The Rag Box

Republicans Consider Molestation A Family Value

2009-07-19T09:58:00.002-04:00

Republican leaders, under intense pressure to keep the lid on their sexual perversions, announced today that the will simply add child molestation as a Family Value.

"We are not yet certain how high on the list of values it will be," remarked Ralph Blisterfill, Republican chairman of The House Committee on the Protection of Children. "But we'll ask the rank and file of the party to come up with a suitable response to the questionnaire we sent out to them. We expect a large return, given the number of participants. When asked by Rag Box Child Molestation correspondent, Jim Futile, how many of the questionnaires went out, Blisterfill was hesitant to speculate, but insisted that the privacy of individuals should be protected under such circumstances, hinting only that a partial list could be found at the following link:

Republicans who have molested children recently.

Blisterfill did not hesitate to say that the list at that link only represented the tip of the iceberg, but "we felt compelled to start somewhere."

Asked if he was planning to add any additional Family Values for Republicans, Blisterfill added that incest was not off the table.

Palin to Stay in Politics: Republicans Terrified.

2009-07-12T19:52:00.002-04:00

Sarah Palin

Miss Wasilla

The prospect that the brief and former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, intends to stay in politics is sending shock waves through Republican ranks according to Rag Box sources. It had been hoped by Republican power brokers that the Ethics Hearings against Palin would suffice to keep her out of the limelight for years.

However, despite her penchant for shooting wolves from helicopters and the sexual exploits of one of her daughters (not the one mentioned by David Letterman) have failed to quell rumors that Palin will continue to be a pain in the ass to the party all the way up to the 2012 elections, where she is expected to fractionalize the party to such an extent that no viable candidate from the Right will garner enough support to provide a suitable challenge to the Democrats in the foreseeable future.

"I plan to write a book, try to get a TV show, and make the rounds in the lower 48 to see if anyone considers me more than a nice looking chick who talks just a little funny," quipped Palin, when stopped by Rag Box political correspondent Steve Smithers.

Palin, speaking to Smithers offered that the book she is writing will put J.K. Rowling to shame.

"I'm writing something real close to the Harry Potter books, but mine will be about a girl in a helicopter with a 50 cal (50 calibre machine gun) rescuing her grandmother from a pack of wolves. I'm almost finished with the foreword," she continued.

Palin plans to go on a national speaking tour after she repays her ethics defense fund, the illegal use of Alaskan taxpayer money for her previous trips with her children and "tidying up" as she exclaims, that little problem with that trooper.

"I also got (have) a few pictures that'll probably circulate on the Internet that I need to douse before I can be considered a serious contender in the political arena. Until then, the Playboy offer still stands," she concluded.

G-8 Summit Tosses $20.00 at World's Hungry

2009-07-10T20:23:00.006-04:00

According to the latest estimates from the UN’s Food and Agriculture Organization, over 1 billion people in the world are now chronically undernourished. The G-8 Summit's recent pledge to offer 20 Billion dollars to the world's hungry equates to approximately $20 dollars for each of those facing a daily crisis of malnourishment.

Sib Ahmalin, a tribesman in Ghana where President Obama has made a stop during his sojourn to the Summit, said that he is personally grateful for the $20 dollars and plans to use it to purchase two Big Mac's and a chocolate shake as well as the larger fries, should his impoverished village ever get a McDonald's franchise.

"If we do not receive the franchise, my family and I plan to eat the money directly as it contains a needed source of cellulose," stated the suprisingly astute Ghanaian farmer.

When Asked by Rag Box Food and Health Correspondent Jill Klimhausen how much in the way of nutrients one could expect from a $20 dollar bill, she stated that it would provide sufficient pulp for one decent bowel movement. "This is providing that Mr. Ahmalin and his family still have functioning bowels," she added.

The next G-8 Summit whose dates have yet to be set has already promised to increase the amount of aid to the worlds hungry to include spoons, knives, and forks, should they become necessary in the event real aid is on the way.

"It won't be top shelf silverware, mind you. Pretty much the plastic white ones," stated Rolf Ginsborg, Swedish member of the permanent G-8 partnership to feed the world's poor. "But it's a good start. All we need now is $500,000,000 paper plates."

Lebron James Videotape Siezed

2009-07-09T12:00:00.006-04:00

In what has turned into a media nightmare for Nike, the sports paraphernalia whore, a videotape showing Lebron James being "dunked on" by Xavier's Jordan Crawford was seized in a North Korean version of "free press."

Apparently, rules are in place that explicitly state if Lebron James is embarrassed in a pick up game, any taping of such an event must be confiscated immediately and destroyed so as to leave no trace of any potential humiliation.

"The stakes are too great," stated Bill Menninger, a purported Nike spokesperson. "We pay him a lot of money not to look like an idiot. Let's face it, you can't have some college hoops guy do a two handed slammer over his dome for the world to see."

When asked by Rag Box sports correspondent Ted Driftbox if Lebron walking out of the stadium after losing the finals to the Orlando Magic would qualify as an embarrassing moment, Menninger stated that such displays of childishness are allowed under the current contract.

"He's still a young guy," quipped Menninger. "Look, he hasn't done drugs, been caught with a babe on each arm, or otherwise disgraced the league (NBA) or Nike, so cut him some slack."

When it was pointed out that videotaping had occurred during the entire pick up game and that the reported slam dunk could have been handled by James in a humorous manner, Menninger confiscated Driftbox's notes and tore them to pieces.

This account of events are thus considered hearsay as Driftbox recounted this story from his memory. "He just "DID IT!, quipped Driftbox. "By the way, Menninger is an asshole, and so is Nike. Only bigger. With a tattoo on it"

The comments of Mr. Driftbox are his own and are not endorsed by The Rag Box, although the statements are pretty cool nonetheless.

Michael Jackson Tributes To Continue Until 2020

2009-07-08T07:52:00.003-04:00

The same media that spent years vilifying the entertainer as a pedophile and walking freak show has decided, in a surprising turn of events, to deify the musical pop icon. A few of the planned expositions and tributes are listed below.

Plans are underway for a 400 foot statue of a sequined glove in downtown New York near the Guggenheim Museum
The Rhinoplasty Center in Sewell N.J. is planning an entourage of 400 doctors and nurses to form a phalanx shaped in the likeness of Jackson's nose and march themselves in unison down Old Mill road and terminate at Washington Lake Park, where the doctors will then disperse in the shape of a giant nosebleed.
Children in Newton, Mississippi will assemble at city hall where they will run as quickly as possible in all directions when the mayor announces that Michael Jackson is in fact alive, and headed toward the city. "We already have a Jackson hunt planned for next year," stated mayor Dan Johnson. "We have an egg with the face of Michael Jackson on it. We are going to hide it in our park and the child who finds it will be asked to turn it into the police and receive a reward."
All ELCA Lutheran Churches across the nation who bear the name "St. Michael" will instead name them "St. Jackson" in honor of the King of Pop's generous donations over the years.

Other venues such as the Mars Candy Corporation are making plans to name a new snack after Jackson called the Jack-O Bar, tentatively made up of a core of dark chocolate and peanuts smothered in a white chocolate coating.

Television and other media outlets have already agreed to a series of "specials" and "in depth" memorials designed to take his memory into 2020. When asked by The Rag Box as to why the media would now, in essence, deify an individual they spent nearly 30 years vilifying. most responded by saying, "Hey. Dude is dead. We can afford to be nice to him now."

As a matter of record, The Rag Box wishes to offer its own tribute, already executed by a party of individuals whose video follows. WARNING. CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Ousted Honduran President Chooses Own Country As Grave Marker

2009-07-05T07:27:00.008-04:00

Ousted President Manuel Zelaya said Saturday that he would return to Honduras to retake office following last week's military-backed coup, despite warnings of a potentially deadly confrontation with the current government that could turn bloody...for Zelaya.

Approximately 10,000 supporters are prepared to act as funeral pallbearers should Zelaya step from the plane at the Tegucigalpa Toncontin Regional Airport. He will be guided to the airport by the Honduran Civil Aviation Authority which has staunchly backed the current government. It is unclear whether Tegucigalpa air controllers will offer assistance to the exiled president by way of landing instructions or whether they will provide an alternate landing site, possibly into the side of one of the mountains near the city.

The interim government has taken to radio and television airwaves with jingles, part of a campaign to win over those who have yet to choose sides. Roberto (Bobby) Micheletti, the interim president vows that his jingles will turn the tide in his favor and garner additional support from people currently favoring Zelaya.

One jingle making the radio station rounds in Tegucigalpa portrays Zelaya as a male prostitute who is deeply involved in drugs and alcohol.

"It is a catchy little tune," admitted Manuel De Los Angeles, former Vice President of the poor Central American nation. "My children will not stop singing it."

Khamenei and Ahmadinejad U.S. Agents

2009-07-04T07:23:00.005-04:00

Opposition leader Mir Mousavi or Iran has accused current fake president of Iran , Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Supreme Grand Dragon of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, of being U.S. agents.

This process, (of blaming the U.S.) is designed to shift the focus of the recently held "elections" to focusing attention on what is perceived to be a national hatred for America. In retaliation, the Iranian government has declared Mousavi a U.S. agent, as well as anyone who voted for him, bringing the total number of U.S. agents in Iran to 3.6 million.

Ali Drihman, Iranian foreign correspondent and U.S. spy operating out of Tehran in Apartment C near the downtown bus terminal spoke on conditions of anonymity that the latest efforts to Americanize Iranians by calling them agents will only hasten the day when Iran becomes a U.S. territory with the same voting privileges as Puerto Rico.

"Look at the demographics." Drihman said, from his favorite cafe, The Ahmedin. "Eventually, the U.S. agents in Iran will outnumber to population to such an extent that they will apply for mass U.S. citizenship, thus enabling unfettered use of the Internet and cell phones. It's only a question of ti.............

Drihman's report was cut unexpectedly short and The Rag Box has been unable to reach him by Cell phone. It is presumed he is at the U.S. Embassy, asking for asylum provided he will have the hands to sign the paperwork.

North Koreans Hose Up Missile Launch

2009-07-02T21:00:00.004-04:00

The North Koreans, unaware of the upcoming 4th of July celebrations in the U.S. blew an opportunity to launch a missile at Hawaii in what would have been a "surprise" for Honolulu and outlying areas.

Instead, the North Koreans were seen scrambling to assemble a bottle rocket to launch into the compound of the U.S. Embassy in Pyongyang.

According to an unidentified spokesperson for the North Koreans, the bottle rocket exploded in the hands of a Korean scientist as he was preparing it with nitroglycerin and confetti. He was treated at a nearby hospital and promptly shot by North Korean authorities after the mishap.

The North Koreans are now in the process of deciding where their next failed launch will take place but it is expected to be no sooner than Labor Day at which point no one will give a damn, according to sources in Washington.

"It's not really a holiday per se," stated Paul Dwivel, spokesman for the Department of North Korean launch failures. "But we'll keep an eye on them just in case they decide to try a cherry bomb in downtown Seoul."

Social Network Leads Nomadic Existence

2009-07-02T08:55:00.004-04:00

TeeBeeDee, a Social Network for people generally in their 40's and over, leads a nomadic existence. It is the only known Social Network capable of pulling up roots from one site and moving to another on two weeks notice.

"Sure we've lost hundreds of members," stated Scott Free, a TBD member. "But we'll gain new members.

When asked about the loss of the old members, some of whom had been with the old location for a long period of time, Free suggested that if they were too lazy or dumb to make it over to the new site, then they should be abandoned in the desert like the snakes they are.

"Sure, the new home is a royal mess and bears little resemblance to the old site and people will be confused beyond measure. But like good nomads we will adapt,"

Free went on to say.

"Besides, by the time people settle in and get used to the new format, we will be pulling up stakes to become a subgroup of Facebook, something we tried to accomplish over at the old site but were never quite able to."

Mississippi Teen Birth Rate No. 1

2009-01-07T17:33:00.002-05:00

As first reported by the Rag Box in December of 2002, Mississippi now leads the nation in teen pregnancies. The milestone was reached in 2006, the last year statistics were kept by unscrupulous volunteer teen pregnancy counters who followed the youths around for months making certain that the alleged pregnancies were in fact true.

"It's an honor to be from Mississippi and receive the title "The Preggers State." stated McKeishelle Quanza, head of the Teen Pregnancy Consortium.

"We worked hard to receive this distinction. I want to thank the many volunteers who poked holes in prophylactic packages in all of the pharmacies in the state, and substituted the "pill" with Pez tablets," continued Quanza.

In addition to the work of volunteers, the state of Mississippi also assisted by dropping sex education classes and terminating counseling and other resources that would have kept the distinction as the Teen pregnancy Capital in the state of Texas, which previously held the record.

The state legislature has tentatively adopted a new slogan for the state: "We Don't Miss in Mississippi", a reference to the fact that the state's teenagers know where and how to hit their intended target as often as possible.

"And none of them other jive ass states better try to pass us up for the title coz if we have to, we'll take the goods outta ev'ry fertility clinic in the state to keep the record," stated Lawandell Jones, a Mississippi teen who is responsible for the pregnancies of no less than 30 teens over the past year.

Israel, Bombs, Death, Violence, Gaza, Palestine

2009-01-06T17:40:00.003-05:00

Booming Gaza Tourism Placed on Hold

If it's Gaza, it must be Tuesday.

It's just a bad time to vacation in the Gaza strip. The service is lousy and getting a cup of coffee while running at full speed only to have your leg removed by a stray Israeli Negev machine gun round is probably not conducive to the type of rest you might have been looking for on your trip to the Middle East. If Gaza was even on your itinerary, you are the type of person who deserves and I.E.D. up your ass.

Face it. This will never be solved. Ever since the proverbial "We will drive them into the sea" comments, the Israeli's have been a little trigger happy. They don't surf much.

The U.S has called for a cease fire. Great. The Rag Box is calling for one also. Let's see whose request is honored first. We also demand the withdrawal of all troops from the region and a statement by Hamas that not only does Israel have a right to exist, it has a right to exist in territory that was formerly someone else's before the UN thought it would be a great idea to place the Israelis in an area where every other nation in the region despises them and is fully committed to destroying them.

Israel Considers Making Gaza Uninhabitable

2009-01-04T12:12:00.006-05:00

The Israeli army is planning an invasion of the Gaza strip that will include chemical and biological treatments of the ground in the area to make the region uninhabitable to either Palestinians or Israelis. A new song has already been published to celebrate the latest outbreak of violence in the region.

"This land's not your land, this land's not my land"

"This land's not fit for you or me."

Interested parties will be able to download the updated version from iTunes in the near future.

Meanwhile, men, women, and children will continue to be set ablaze and otherwise killed in an effort to make a statement to Hammas about the difficulties to be encountered when launching rockets into Israel.

The U.S. has already requested whether the Gaza strip may be used to store spent uranium from U.S nuclear reactors.

"It's a perfect fit", stated Ross Pretor of the U.S EPA. We anticipate leakage from the spent nuclear fuel within 2 years thus capitalizing on a plan already under way. It is simplicity itself."

Joe Paterno to Coach From Grave: Also, Farve Pissing People Off by only "Considering" Retirement

2009-01-01T22:31:00.007-05:00

Penn State coach Joe Paterno will be coaching the 2009 season from a coffin which has been electronically wired to provide the octogenarian with the same information that was given to him during the 2008 Rose Bowl loss to USC. Penn State Alumni will decide when it's time to drop the lid, which according to some estimates, should have been sometime in the early 80's.

Also, Rag Box sources have gathered information from NFL league sources that Brett Farve is becoming a major pain in the ass by not being definitive about his retirement. Anyone with even a modicum of knowledge about the game (except Farve) knows that the aging quarterback cannot throw a pass beyond 30 yards, enabling defenses to play the short game and thus negating any possibility of success next year.

"He is old and useless. He has ruined his legacy with his former team (Packers) and basically pissed away his last year (possibly) with the N.Y. Jets on a make believe trip to the playoffs," according to Donald Smeld, spokesperson for the Jets who was quoted under conditions of anonymity. "He is like a Douglas McArthur (WW2) general epitaph. He won't die. He just wants to fade away. What an asshole."

Yet Another Jet Skids Off Runway

2008-12-22T15:11:00.006-05:00

Interior of plane shortly

before "skid-hopping" event.

In what pilots refer to as "skid-hopping", yet another commercial U.S. airliner has failed to reach its destination by several thousand miles by coming to an untimely halt at the end of a runway.

Continental flight 1404 en route to Houston, Texas was found in a ravine, 40 feet below the runway and nowhere near Houston, leaving passengers stranded, without luggage, and little first class service.

The black box voice recorders of the aircraft taped passengers who appeared to have been speaking with raised voices, "we're going to die," "you call this first class", and "why is the overhead luggage compartment melting on my head" among a mixture of obscenities as the left engine decided to vacate the premises along with the landing gears before the 737-500 came to a halt.

Ernest Hermeling, a passenger, told reporters that this was not the first time he has experienced a "skid-hop." "Actually, I've been in several of them. This one was nothing to write home about. When you see a hand or foot flying past you as flames are encompassing your face, THEN you've got something to tell the kids back home."

Hermeling had planned to walk from the scene back to the terminal when he was struck by an emergency vehicle speeding to the wreckage, thus, in a bizarre twist of fate, becoming the only passenger to be dismembered.

Aviation authorities were seen sifting through the wreckage looking for wallets and other items of interest in an attempt to piece together the final moments of the flight.

Windham Hill and NASA Join Forces to Create New Sleeping Aid

2008-11-10T08:08:00.003-05:00

Windham Hill Records and NASA announced today that they will combine their resources to offer rest to millions who have trouble falling asleep at night.

According to Alex Nipletwist, Rag Box Science Correspondent, the plan is for a sleepless individual to turn on a CD of any Windham Hill recording, then simultaneously watch a NASA interview with an astronaut.

Spokespersons for both organizations claim that tests show results in less than 3 minutes, with an individual expected to be in REM sleep within 6 minutes of initiating the process.

We are hopeful that this will offer relief for millions of people worldwide. Windham Hill artist Michael Franks is in talks with NASA and other officials in offering his entire collection of music at reduced prices to "start the ball rolling."

Courtesy of The Onion

2008-10-07T22:59:00.000-04:00

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

French Desperately Cling to Nine Year Old Urine Sample

2008-10-01T17:39:00.005-04:00

L'Equipe and a French spokesperson by the name of Pierre Bordry are still clinging to a urine sample of Lance Armstrong in the hope that it will somehow chemically alter itself after 9 years to prove that Armstrong was and presumably IS a cheater in his chosen sport of the Tour de Lance, er, France.

Armstrong, who has basically owned the event over the years has been speaking of making a comeback in the sport but the French are unable to bring themselves to the point of accepting yet another trashing by the ultimate cyclist. They hope that a urine sample, taken in 1999 will prove that Armstrong tested positive for EPO, a blood-boosting hormone that enhances endurance.

The Rag Box is demanding a urine sample from the staff of L'Equipe as well as Bordry to prove that they are not on some sort of "dope," according to Rag Box French Urine Testing spokesperson, Raul Gonsalvez.

"L'Equipe plans to hold on to Armstrong's urine specimen until the next century, when the sample is expected to be rancid enough to test as a biochemical weapon, thus placing Armstrong clearly in the line of fire with cycling authorities," according to Gonsalvez.

"They won't stop until the urine has completely crystallized," suggested Gonsalvez, indicating that on the open market, urine crystals are akin to methamphetamine.

"They sell the stuff all the time as crystal meth here in Paris," stated Gonsalvez. "The French have been smoking it for years. But no one has told them that it's really Armstrong's piss. There are no B samples to test against Armstrong's A samples of urine from 1999 because basically, the French used up the B samples during a L'Equipe New Year's party last year."

Party on.

Alan Fishman WAMU CEO. Tool of Satan

2008-09-30T22:46:00.003-04:00

Alan Fishman, latest Tool of Satan got a nice 20 mil or so for about 15 days worth of work for Washington Mutual. So much for pulling the golden parachute packs that were promised to us by the politicians.

Of course, he will parachute straight into Hell along with the other bastards who raped us before leaving Dodge. He and the others mentioned here with the Help of the Las Vegas News should be caught and lynched and left to hang and rot for weeks because it is their excesses and that of the other asshole executives that have plunged this country into the brink of the second Great Depression. Find them all and kill them so they can't collect one dime of their severance pay. Sever their penises instead to ensure that they are unable to multiply and pass on their greed gene to the next in the family line. And if any of their families have already been produced, behead them also. It's a brutal step. But a necessary one. I'm sure there's a Soldier of Fortune out there willing to make a few bucks to eradicate these vermin. Here's a few other bastards that need to die and meet Satan face to face.

"It is important to note that Fishman is modest in comparison to former American International Group (AIG) CEO Martin Sullivan who received a $47 million severance package after leading his company to financial ruin. (Notably, his successor at AIG Chief Executive Robert Willumstad declined a $22 million severance package because he failed to achieve a restructuring plan). Stanley O’Neal at Merrill Lynch walked away with $66 million, shortly before the company was taken over by Bank of America. Indeed, it is great to be fired today. Ken Thompson was thrown out of Wachovia in June and got $5 million while Chuck Prince was forced out at Citigroup and given $16 million. Even John McCain’s financial adviser Carly Fiorina received $45 million including a $21.5 million severance package from Hewlett-Packard. Fiorina insists that it was just $40 million in severance. Fannie Mae’s Daniel Mudd and Freddie Mac’s Richard Syron received huge severance packages after leaving just before criminal investigations were launched (Mudd earned $11.6 million last year, and Syron made $18.3 million). ' --Vegas News Source

You have their names. Now you know what to do. It's Jihad on these Tools of Satan.

Oh, by the way, The Rag Box highly recommends http://toolsofsatan.blogspot.com . It's written by the same people.

Pre-emptive US Strike Near Center of Table

2008-01-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

While the Russians claim that a pre-emptive Nuclear strike is not "off the table for them" the U.S. has countered that it would be well for the Russians to consider the fact that a U.S pre-emptive strike is not only off the table, it's at the center of the table, and if the Russians get a little itchy in the trigger finger, they had better wipe the fingers clean before they wind up glowing in the Siberian winter like a never ending radio active camp fire.

The Russians, under the leadership of Putin, have recently become somewhat harebrained and seem to have forgotten that nuclear war tends to end all known life forms outside of cockroaches on the planet, and the idea of somehow starting such a war in the hope of fending off an attack would be mutually annihilating. But Putin, who had never won awards for brilliance in international affairs doesn't seem to be interested in what can only be seen as reality.

The Rag Box suggests that the Russians keep their former Soviet mouths shut and figure out how to turn their country into something other than the Cubans want to visit.

Making the Craig's List Not Quite so Glamorous

2007-12-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

The list of Idaho Senator Larry Craig's "companions" appears to be growing exponentially. Eight men have allegedly stepped forward to incriminate Senator Craig with reference to the performance of sexual acts at various times. This, in addition to Craig having been caught in a sex sting operation in a public restroom where his shoe allegedly made contact with the shoe of a person in the next stall. Allegedly, Craig's hand was also involved in some way in that incident.

Senator Craig has denied all of the allegations, stating that his shoes tend to wander during his brief stays in restrooms and that the emergence of individuals who now claim to have had sex with the Senator has come about because of the holiday season.

When asked to clarify the remark, Craig stated that it is no secret that this is the season to be jolly. People are in a festive mood. Who knows where one's shoes will wind up?

FEMA Underestimates Self...Again

2007-10-28T08:29:00.001-04:00

Billions of dollars in materials have been sitting in a warehouse for nearly a year, yet FEMA has never gotten around to see that it could be distributed to, oh, we don't know....New Orleans perhaps?

69,000 people die in the Chinese earthquake. Their government is on it providing housing for those who've survived, and we can't fix New Orleans? FEMA, the other dead meat.

Dow Drops Over 300 Points: The Poor Don't Give a Flying Rats Ass

2007-10-19T17:54:00.000-04:00

The Stock Market dropped over 300 points today, but the nation's poor basically went on about their business, collecting hand outs, rummaging through garbage, and panhandling in the few places which have not yet passed laws against the activity.

Of course, millions of middle class Amercians also know nothing of the stock market and do not possess what is known in to the upper classes as a "portfolio". Tom Striggles, who has been an indigent for over 20 years marveled recently when told that a portfolio contained important information about a person's general financial health and the various business and investment activities that the financially educated were involved in. "Jeez, a portfolio, eh? That's what I used to wipe my ass with."

Not to be discouraged, Amy Nussbaum, Chief Market Analyst for the Rag Box told Striggles not to worry. Everyone is wiping their asses with their portfolios right about now.

Russian and Chinese Threats Laughable

2007-10-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

We mock your childish attempts at threatening the great power of America. We photograph ourselves with the Dalai Lama and point our middle fingers at you, you lead producing lipstick, toy sending, stinky leather making slant eyes. And as for you, Putin, kiss our collective asses. Threaten us on Iran? We will attack them whenever we feel like it. And just to update you, we don't need a reason. We didn't need one to go into Iraq, and we don't need one to go into Iran.

And as for your saber rattling on building new nuclear weapons. We've got news for you Cossack Boy. Our "old" nuclear weapons work just fine. Radiation tends to last a long time. A new nuclear weapon in what, a new shell casing? We will bury you with our weapons and Moscow will glow like a burned out cinder in the night. You would do well to step down and go back to the promise your government made about the possibility of Democracy, not the neo-Stalinist State you now have produced. And keep you Cosmonauts on your side of the International Space Station. They don't use deodorant.

If I Stole It

2007-09-18T17:20:00.001-04:00

Un-convicted murderer and would be author Orenthal James Simpson found himself on the other side of the law yet again when the former football great was arrested in Las Vegas after a bungled attempt to acquire sports memorabilia he claims belonged to him.

Simpson is planning a new book "If I Stole It" to detail the plans he drew up in the botched break in.

"I'm not saying I stole anything, but if I did, this is how I would have done it. I would have completely screwed it up and placed myself on the front burner of every tabloid on the planet. I would have been arrested, and possibly convicted if I did, in fact, commit the alleged crime," stated the affable person of interest.

The family of formerly alive Ron Goldman have already planned to confiscate any rights to the book as soon as it is written, if Simpson decides to do so.

An alternate title for the book had been in the works "If I steal It, They Will Come." and, although the latter part of this choice appears to have worked out, the first few chapters would have to be re-written, as Simpson was unable to acquire any of the memorabilia he stated as belonging to him. Hence, a re-write of the new title of the alleged book-in-progress, "If I Act Like An Idiot, They Will Come."

Anorexics Nervosa About British Report

2007-09-15T09:45:00.001-04:00

The International Association for Anorexia Nervosa (IAAN) nervously reacted to a British report that suggested medical screening for runway models. So-called Ultra Thin models have been banned from appearing in fashion shows in other countries, an alarming trend according to the IAAN.

Helen Flipboard, President of the IAAN stated that"...if this trend does not stop, we are threatening a hunger strike. Let them stick that into their twinkies!"

Such a strike could cripple the industry, in which some experts have suggested that up to 40% of all runway models suffer either from some form of an eating disorder or idiocy.

To underscore the severity of the situation, actress Nicole Richie was recently sentenced to 4 days in prison for a DUI violation. The sentence was to have been carried out to term. However, the slim actress merely walked between the bars of her cell and through a thin crack in the LA Detention Center's outer door, leading to a limousine in which she managed to squeeze herself between the front and rear windows.

"Obviously, this sets a dangerous precedent not only for models and actresses, but would be criminals who would be able to use it as an advantage during crime sprees," offered Jim Pressfin, a prison official for the Detention Center who spoke on condition of anonymity.