The Rag Box

Glenn Beck Rumors About Rape and Murder of Girl in 1990 Persist

2009-09-09T08:01:00.004-04:00

The Rag Box finds that allegations about the rape and murder of a young girl in 1990 by TV semi-personality Glenn Beck are unsubstantiated, despite the fact a website has been set up in order to clarify the stories surrounding the alleged incident. While the Rag Box attempts to ensure that the content of this E-Zine is completely fictitious and satirical in content, we cannot deny that numerous questions have arisen from the story as it has made its way around the Internet, long a bastion for truth and accuracy.

Some of the information, which we have been unable to verify include:

Oh my GOD! Glenn Beck raped and murdered his girlfriend in 1990 and hasn't denied it?

...Come clean, Glenn, just come clean. It's the right time now. It is the decent thing for you to do, out of respect for the American people, and if you don't respect them, out of respect for yourself. For the sake of the girl's family, or girls' families, think of the families, Glenn, they need just that little bit of closure your confession can give them, just, please, Glenn, think of those poor families and what you have *cries a bit more* have put them through. I can't.

...I think Roger Ailes is protecting that raping murdering bastard.

...I can't believe evidence as to whether or not Glenn Beck raped a girl in 1990 (new window) has not come to light! What are the law enforcement agencies doing? Every year hundreds of innocent girls go missing. How many of them have fallen prey to the murdering and raping hands of Glenn Beck? And how many more will have to suffer before we get to the bottom of this? /Never forget: Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

...Damage control would have been easier if he had said something before it ended up on Jeopardy!

...Not only does Google say that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, it also says that Glenn Beck blows goats. So he's a raping murderer who's into bestiality. Wow, it just gets better for ol' Glennie.

Additional commentary may be found at the official site where the controversy seems to be gathering momentum. Click HERE.

Afghan Citizens Killed in "Huge Mistake"

2009-09-06T06:53:00.009-04:00

The seeming stalemate that is the Afghan War took another miserable turn yesterday when two 500 pound bombs were dropped on a pair fuel tankers absconded by the Taliban. Satellite images showed scores of what appeared to be Taliban fighters surrounding the vehicles as they were attempting to extricate it from an area of mud in which the two tankers had become trapped.

The attack on the trucks and the (alleged) insurgents standing nearby was partially carried out on the advice of a single individual near the scene who insisted that all of the individuals surrounding the fuel tankers at the time were Taliban fighters. Satellite images could not verify with complete accuracy whether those present were fighters or villagers. Satellite photos also could not completely ascertain whether the person who had supplied the information to Western military forces was in fact, drunk, with an alcohol level 4 times over the legal Afghan limit.

"It's good equipment," cited Col. Harold Mendendorf of U.S. forces in the area, "but it's not THAT good." "Jesus Christ! It's war. Civilian casualties are inevitable. What do you want? A sign on every insurgent's back that says 'Hey Dude. I'm Taliban!' Shoot my ass!"

The decision to bomb the trucks, which resulted in nearly 125 or more civilian casualties is being investigated and has been officially classified as a huge mistake.

Nation's Prisoners Set To "Bond" With Jaycee Lee Dugard's Kidnapper

2009-08-28T14:05:00.004-04:00

The National Prisoners Consortium (NPC) of the United States unanimously adopted a resolution vowing that they will "bond" with Phillip Garrido, alleged kidnapper of of Jaycee Lee Dugard, who was abducted in 1991 and was recently reunited with her loved ones.

Bob "Axe-Man" Bronston, spokesman for the NPC appeared in a brief press conference where he stated the the "word is out" in prisoner's parlance, indicating an agreement has tentatively been reached that when Garrido arrives in any prison in the United States, the prisoners of that facility will be set to bond with the alleged rapist and child abductor.

"The bonding will be surprisingly brief and to the point," stated Bronston. "We will bond with him for the amount of time it takes us to remove his testicles and otherwise eviscerate the bastard. It is not as good as chemical castration, but in some ways, is more permanent and we believe, more effective."

It is not yet known how the Garrido case will develop and what will happen to the now incarcerated kidnapper and his wife, but it is assumed that once he enters the doors of whatever prison he is sent to, it will not be necessary to provide him with the "three meals and a flop" as he is expected to need no more than a sandwich before his hapless torso is ground into canned dog food.

"Usually vengeance is the Lord's," quipped Bronston. "But the "Old Man" always leaves these guys to us. Our methods are sanctioned from above. It is my understanding that Mr. Garrido has some sort of religious affiliation with his own mind. He will have an opportunity to meet the voices he hears as soon as possible," promised Bronston.

U.S. Economic Recovery Complete: Nigerian Uncle Comes Through

2009-08-17T21:28:00.005-04:00

With projections for an economic recovery still highly uncertain for 2009, Americans have discovered that the Emails they have been receiving from the relative of their deceased Nigerian uncle were in fact, legitimate. As a result, the once suspicioned Email scam turns out to have been completely lawful, creating immense wealth for hundreds of thousands of middle class citizens, some who faced mortgage defaults and bankruptcy until Sambala Magumbo, their previously unknown uncle from Nigeria, offered to assist them. Magumbo created immense wealth for himself by introducing the concept of time share in his native country. "Your Cardboard Box Or Mine," became a famed slogan in his native country..

Dawunee Magumbo, spokesperson for the long dead uncle offered that the money had been there all along and he had wondered why Americans were not taking him up on his offer. "We merely needed their Social Security Numbers, bank account information, as well as their credit card numbers," Dawunee stated. He told Rag Box Nigerian correspondent Elston Swedenborg that his uncle became despondent over what he perceived to be a lack of trust on the part of Americans. "He eventually died of a broken heart," said Dawunee.

"We still have several millions of dollars available, but all those who failed to answer my uncle or placed those Emails into their spam folders are no longer eligible, unless of course, they are willing to give us the information we need. But they need to act now, while there is still a window of opportunity. If they will send me $1000.00 in cash, I will personally see to it that we use their bank's routing number to funnel the small deposit back into their account along with thousands of additional dollars over a period of years," Dawunee continued.

"Concerns of privacy prevent us from releasing information about any of the individuals who have already received their money, but I assure you they are out there. It is a simple matter of trust," Dawunee continued.

He then asked Swedenborg if the correspondent had a couple "of bucks" to help get him back to his cardboard shanty on the edge of town (Abuja City). When asked by Swedenborg why Dawunee did not live under slightly more prosperous conditions, given the association he had with his wealthy Nigerian relative, Dawunee stated that it would be unconscionable of him to seek personal gain from helping his now deceased uncle. "Besides, he continued, "they (the authorities) shut down my ISP and I am trying to use a friend's laptop to continue my uncle's quest to help all Americans. I need the routing numbers man. The routing numbers. Tell the Americans. The routing numbers."

Health Care Reform: Pulling Plug on Grandmother

2009-08-17T18:45:00.005-04:00

In an effort to ease tensions over Health Care Reform, the nation's doctors and the government joined forces today by creating a Denial of Service clause into a pending bill in Congress that would allow the government, doctors, nursing assistants, hospital admittance clerks, and janitorial staff to deny health care service to hospitalized individuals if, in their estimation, a patient is seen to be progressing towards recovery in a lackluster way.

In other words, a patient would have roughly 48 hours to improve their condition or face a "denial of service" at which point any of the aforementioned individuals would be able to remove IV lines or pull the plug on any number of devices designed to keep the patient alive or in a vegetative state.

"We are no longer in the vegetable garden business," stated Mephisto County General Hospital Administrator, Dr. Carl Rogers. "We are now in the "Divesting Ourselves of the Obsolescent or DOA as we prefer to call it," he continued.

The term DOA, long used to describe individuals who were dead on arrival while being transported to a place of care will now serve a dual purpose.

The concept of DOA has not been without its critics. Frank Gulden, Director of Ground Zero Nursing Home in Latrobe, Pennsylvania had asked for a patent on the term DOA as he and directors of similar homes were planning to use it to refer to "Divesting Ourselves of the Aged," a reference to the exploding numbers of elderly making their way into the crowded, unusual smelling, and understaffed facilities. Dr. Rogers countered that "divesting " themselves (nursing homes) of the elderly by simply removing the cotter pins from their wheelchairs does not constitute a humane way to deal with their plight.

"At least we tell someone at the nurses station what we are about to do," Rogers argued.

Referred to as "Plug Plucking Parties" the names of patients who do not improve within the first 48 hours are placed into a pool. There is a drawing, usually made by a Candy Striper (young health care volunteer.) A doctor, or clerk will look at the name to determine whether the criteria for denial of service is met, at which point someone is selected (usually a person not directly associated with the hospital in a professional capacity) who will be allowed to "pluck the plug" in the hospital's jargon. The group largely consists of women, who refer to themselves as Mother Pluckers. Everyone then gathers for noshes before returning to their various duties.

When asked by Dr. Brian Pfister, Rag Box Medical Correspondent, as to what actually constituted a decision to "pluck the plug," a janitor standing by said that the procedure was really quite simple. We look at the chart like any doctor, and if the arrows aren't going up, the names go in the pool.

According to Pfister, the hospital has erred in only three cases over the last 6 months. One in which the chart was accidentally hung upside down resulting a rather hasty, but incorrect decision to terminate Mr. Oswald Geenberg, 67, who had come to the hospital to have a wart removed from his knee, and two other minor, if deadly incidents. One involved a miscalculation of the 48 hour rule when nurses failed to account for daylight savings time and failed to change their clocks. The other involved Mrs. Irma Feingeld, who met the time, age, and declining health criteria but was deemed to present a risk because she had witnessed a plug plucking incident which she felt was not "to her liking."

According to those present at her demise, one official overheard Mrs. Feingeld's last words as the IV was removed from her arm. "Pluck You!"

Health Care Town Hall Meeting Results in Deaths

2009-08-13T08:48:00.008-04:00

Inflamed passions rose to new heights as debate over the Nation's Health Care Reform discussions erupted into gunfire in a Town Hall meeting at Our sisters of Perpetual Motion Catholic Elementary School in Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Proponents and antagonists for Health Care initially exchanged glances, then resorted to shouting and eventually erupted into all out violence with a hail of assault weapons rounds being sprayed around the auditorium.

The number of dead and wounded could not be immediately accounted for but Rag Box sources have learned that the number of deceased might have been substantially reduced if the city had not voted down improvements in triage services for Latrobe. Ironically, the question of triage had just come up for discussion when a lone gunman opened fire on the unsuspecting, but not overly informed, crowd.

Early estimates placed the death toll at 28, with another 14 critically injured.

Ralph Drainwald, spokesman for Jesus Christ Have Mercy On Us hospital in Latrobe, explained that the death toll might have been substantially lower if more of the wounded had had sufficient health insurance coverage.

"Many of the severely wounded were not treated because their policies do not cover Town Hall meetings, which are inherently dangerous and are thus covered under a clause that forbids those policy holders from participating in dangerous activities," stated Drainwald. "That eliminated half a dozen right there."

Another 8 died at the hospital because malpractice insurance does not cover doctors who treat persons who willingly engage in reckless activities. In addition, of the 14 critically injured at the scene, none were transported to the hospital due to cutbacks in ambulance services that citizens of Latrobe voted down as an unnecessary expense . The city of Latrobe currently has one ambulance, a converted 1962 hearse that the people of Latrobe felt could serve a dual purpose in case someone failed to make it the operating theater. In fact, the elementary school was turned into a makeshift morgue which was able to provide a brief resting place for the critically injured until they died from their wounds.

Drug Manufacturer Pfizer sent volunteers to the scene to hand out free packets of aspirin to the most seriously injured. Pfizer spokesperson Helen Spotmeister wanted to let the city know that it was acting out of concern and wished to let the Pennsylvanians know that they too "had a friend" in the industry. However Bill Schmoldman, chief Town Hall correspondent for The Rag Box learned that the volunteers who were on the scene from Pfizer were seen removing gold from the fillings of many of the dead at the scene. Spotmeister admitted that this was the case but stated that in order to keep the cost of medications down, the company had to be compensated in some way.

The gunman at the scene was overpowered by several senior citizens and was identified as Ralph Godsend, an Amish craftsman and known assault weapons activist, who it appears thought he was attending a Town Hall meeting seeking to ban bullets for assault weapons. He was heard by some to yell out "Here. I'll give thee my bullets. Receive them with my blessings!" It is believed that the Amish, who have been known for their non-violence, have recently turned "the other cheek" after acquiring satellite dishes for their homes. Unfortunately, their refusal to pay for services has provided them with only a single television station, a Fox News outlet out of Pittsburgh.

Of the few who survived injury, many are continuing to hold fast to their desire to see no changes in the current Health Care system because, as Schmoldman was told by Andy Glump, Anti Health Care Reform activist, "Glenn Beck of Fox News told us that the president was a racist who wanted us to to receive some sort of medical benefits. Hey Obama, this is what you can do with your Health Care reforms," as he raised a missing, shot off, middle finger to the camera.

Clinton Surrenders Post To Clinton

2009-08-11T18:31:00.009-04:00

In a stunning turn of events, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has relinquished her post to former president and periodic husband, Bill Clinton.

Though declining to be specific, the Secretary of State articulated to reporters that her husband's recent success in negotiating the release of two journalists from a North Korean prison had little to do with her decision to hand over the post to her intermittent spouse.

Speaking candidly, Clinton (Hillary) stated that her ability to get anything done in a world where in many parts women are considered just above the level of plankton in importance contributed to her sense of unease about her ability to interact on the world stage. "North Korea, case in point," she snapped.

During a recent interview in the Congo, the Secretary quipped that she was in fact the Secretary of State, not her husband, despite his successes in recent weeks. When pressed on the matter, Clinton threw her hands in the air and said, "What the Hell. He's in. I'm out." She then proceeded to leave but instead of the plane normally available to her, she was forced to take a mule back to the capital, Brazzaville, as her husband waived to her from overhead.

The former president has been seeking to establish himself as a force to be reckoned with, using his wife's position to re-enter the political arena after several years of haphazard womanizing and general misconduct. The latter placed him in good standing with Kim Jung IL of North Korea, himself considered to be a bit of a playboy. The release of the two journalists was considered a fait accompli as soon as Bill enter Pyongyang carrying a pair of sunglasses for the Communist leader and a cigar whose use was not immediately made evident since IL does not smoke.

"But this is the sort of thing Bill (former president) is good at. The ability to use his own miscreant nature to get things done 'under the table' so to speak," remarked White House staff member Gene Wherewithall. "Besides, he's a man."

When asked by Rag Box White House correspondent Rex Triptoast whether the latter remark constituted a male chauvinist attitude, Wherewithall scoffed at the suggestion and offered, "you don't see me getting all nutty with the Congolese just because my menstrual cycle is getting the better of me. If I were the Secretary of State and wanted to get things done, I'd wait until just before my ovulation. And if she doesn't like it (presumably Hillary Clinton) she can take it up with me after her next hot flash."

Bill Clinton is scheduled to meet with the Iranians next week who have offered to abandon their nuclear program and become a true Democracy if "Mr. Bill" will simply show up and wave to the crowds. In addition, the drug cartels working out of Columbia and Mexico have agreed to forgo their illegal activities if Bill Clinton will advise them on how to become part of NAFTA. He is scheduled to provide a workable National Health Care plan he has been working on in his spare time that he guarantees "will leave no one with a dissenting opinion."

U.S Set To Attack Chavez

2009-08-10T17:35:00.011-04:00

With the blessing of the Colombian government, the United States took a large step in silencing Hugo Chavez by acquiring the rights to use three Colombian military bases to launch drones specifically targeted to fire missiles up the Venezuelan president's posterior. Chavez, who has a penchant for a specific re-fried bean has made himself an easy mark for the drones whose sensors are equipped to "sniff out" the specific chemical signature given off by the "frijoles refritos " favored by the leftist leader.

General Omar Milton of the North American Drone Defense sector stated that the next time Chavez "takes a dump" (direct quote) or so much as farts in the general direction of the atmosphere, he will be the recipient of a re-fried T-8 drone carrying a variety of warheads, depending on how strong the stall is where Chavez is expected to make his next bowel movement.

"We are fairly confident in the T-8 (drone)," exclaimed the general. "Each warhead has a base blast radius of 40’. and has a Weapons Rating of 28. The weapons systems can be increased to provide a blast radius of 90' if necessary should Chavez decide to enter a stall with a "pay per use" locking system."

Although declining to go into detail, General Milton promised plenty of explosive action the moment Chavez drops his pants.

"I've never seen a human being turned into a Quesadilla before, but I assure you he will become part of the Venezuelan landscape the nanosecond his ass hits the toilet seat."

Chavez has been a thorn in the side to the U.S. for reasons that are still unclear. Aside from the rhetoric apparently aimed at making him appear noteworthy in the region, most South American leaders consider him a nuisance and have been known to refer to him as "El idiota hizo de las alubias" rougly translated by Rag Box Spanish correspondent Aldo Ruiz as "An idiot made of beans."

According to Ruiz, what Chavez has done is basically concoct his own recipe for disaster. Chavez has scoured the world for the hottest peppers and discovered one to his liking, the Bhut Jolokia, originating in Assam, India with a Scoville Heat Unit (SHU) approaching one million, nearly doubling that of the Red Savina.

Military experts will not disclose how the drones will specifically target Chavez' ass, but the SHU index will act as a type of heat seeking guide for the missiles the T-8 is expected to carry.

Exclaimed General Milton, "he'd be better off giving himself a barium enema and getting out of town, but it makes little difference. We are working on a barium drone should the Venezuelan leader decide to try that. He's really got no place to go. One way or another, Chavez will give new meaning to the term "up yours."

Government to Apologize to Americans: Abandons Socialism

2009-08-10T08:41:00.004-04:00

Under increasing pressure from citizens, the U.S. government has decided to abandon all social programs under what it sees as a growing need to revitalize Capitalism.

"We plan to abandon Social Security by early next year as a first step towards a return to true Capitalism," according to Paul Lambowitz, and administration official who laid out the government's plan for Rag Box officials, under conditions of anonymity.

Lambowitz continued his explanation of the government's desire to wipe out social Security by admitting that the cost of living increases which have been automatic for the program since 1975 had already been scheduled to be wiped out for the next three years. "Given the state of the economy, we felt it prudent to erase the entire plan from our budget. The trickle down effect will be enormously helpful," he continued.

According to Lambowitz, Americans without Social Security will no longer be able to afford any medical care. Stating that "the cat is out of the bag," plans are underway to eliminate Medicare and Medicaid as well.

Ralph Frimbal, head of budgetary planning for Medicare and Medicaid, agreed that ending Social Security benefits would allow the abolition of Medicare and its associated trillions of dollars in costs. Without the current system, the nations elderly and poor would no longer be able to pay for skyrocketing medical costs and would, simply put, die more quickly.

The Rag Box has learned that plans are under way to eliminate Veterans and Americans with Disabilities programs as well as the ill fated Food Stamps program. These programs, as well as benefits to the nation's retired citizens would be funded through private enterprise, the hallmark of Capitalism, according to unidentified government sources. A list of possibilities include:

Harvesting the organs of citizens in their 50's and beyond to assist those in real need
Sending elderly Veterans to war first, thus saving billions of dollars in training troops who might be needed as a second line of defense
Assisting drug companies in obtaining much needed revenue in a "Stem Cells for Pills" exchange program in which the nation's elderly will trade stem cells for the medications needed to keep them alive. As so called win-win situation, according to Pfizer, one of the struggling U.S. drug makers

Americans have been assailing the Health Care reforms President Obama has been attempting to initiate by calling them Socialist and even "Communist" by certain citizens from Mississippi. In Town Hall meetings across the country, government officials have been sent into the field to explain how the new system will work. Initially bolstered by the joy of not having to pay Social Security taxes, Americans are a little less pleased with the possibility that they will have absolutely no income in their retirement years since few citizens saved any money over the years to compensate for the social programs they will lose. Not everyone is worried however.

Stated Louise Glump, 83, a retired garment worker from, Poughkeepsie, N.Y., "Hell, I'll toss in a few stem cells for an aspirin. And besides, I have a job lined up as a government prostitute when I'm eligible in 2 years, provided I'm still alive."

Frimbal postulated that the odds of Glump being alive by then would be minimal so Americans need not worry that she will become a burden to the system. "She'll be turning tricks in her grave," he mused, citing that the Funeral industry is beside itself with glee over the prospect of millions of Americans dying sooner than ever.

"But that's Capitalism for you," Frimbal concluded. "Whenever a door closes (retirement benefits to the elderly and disabled,) a window opens." (death)

Obama To Meet With Cop and Professor: More Than Beer

2009-07-29T00:13:00.005-04:00

President Obama, hoping to refocus attention on National Health Care, has set his meeting with white Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge, Massachusetts Police Department and black Harvard University Professor, Henry Louis Gates, Jr. The meeting is designed to ease tensions over the recent miscue at the home of Gates, who was arrested while attempting to break into his own home.

Crowley has taken exception to the fact he has been deemed a racist for arresting Gates while the latter was using a crowbar and an explosive commonly known as C-4 to gain entry into his home.

"Race has nothing to do with it," stated Crowley. "There is no video evidence showing that we beat him senseless and no comments made from the expensively dressed negro where he at any time suggested that we should just get along. Proof enough."

On his part, Gates, who has been accused of being disorderly during the disturbance at his home regretted using the crowbar on Crowley stating that it was a subconscious reaction to seeing an unknown white man in his house in the dead of night.

"What would you do under similar circumstances?" asked Gates. "Let him remove the chicken and watermelon from my refrigerator and then simply walk out the door? Not a chance in Hell," argued the Harvard scholar.

The president asked the two to meet him for a beer at the White House, but administration officials, hoping to defuse the clamor as quickly as possible, are prepared to switch to Rumplemintz (a powerful, 100 proof peppermint-flavored Schnapps) should the beer prove less effective than expected.

"It's really much ado", exclaimed Obama. After three shots of Rump (Rumplemintz) the three of us will be singing Kumbaya in my bathtub by 10:00 PM.," he promised.

In an effort to ease tensions, the White House is offering fried chicken to the entire Cambridge Police Department if the department is prepared to surrender its large selection of white sheets with two holes cut into them.

"Once we get past that, we can return to watching my Health Care Program go into the toilet for this year.," exclaimed the president. "Then you'll see an open bar in the West Wing," he promised.

Obama was briefly stopped by white Secret Service Agents as he attempted to return to the White House, until they ascertained he was the Commander in Chief of the United States.

Social Network Creates Group Designed to Loathe Self

2009-07-23T14:42:00.002-04:00

WE THE LOSERS

In what is possibly a first in the history of Social Networking, a site known as TBD on NING has given approval for the formation of a sub-group named "Members We Can't Stand." In what can only be seen as complete irony, the possibility exists that the number of people joining this group will equal the number of total participants in the network, thus creating a type of Network implosion with all members despising one another.

"This in turn would mean we would have the first, true, Anti-Social Network in the history of Social Networking," according to Dr. Paul Stingly, who studies such networks at the University of Pennsylvania.

"I can't say I'm completely surprised," stated Stingly, who was the first to point out that last year's attempt to change the state's motto to "You Don't Necessarily Have A Friend In Pennsylvania" was probably a harbinger of things to come.

"It's simply a sign of the times," he continued. Many people are disgruntled, immature, churlish, and otherwise lacking in basic personal self confidence and this is a way of helping them to unite under the common banner of stupidity.

The Rag Box has noted that the current membership of 70+ is growing at a steady pace, ensuring that the Network itself will be set to collapse sometime in 2010. The Group will then combine with another sub-network at TBD on NING called "We The People"and will then go on to form a new Anti-Social Network called "We The Losers." At last report, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina was asked to be their spokesperson.

Libertarians: Idiots In Need of a Village

2009-07-23T09:21:00.003-04:00

It should come as no surprise (at least not to The Rag Box) that we should find among our leaders the notion that liberty and the pseudo-party calling itself Libertarians would be open to confusion.

As in the past, The Rag Box seeks to clarify such issues.

To wit: Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, went to South America to sleep with his girlfriend for a few days. An act of liberty on his behalf. Unfortunately, Sanford is married and thus the idea of liberty (the taking of it) is further complicated by this annoying fact. Add to this that Sanford is a self professed Libertarian , you can understand the confusion that persists among the party faithful, who have yet to be able to distinguish what constitutes a liberal act from say, fornication. The following video, where Sanford is defending his libertarian status is particularly telling, given his recent escapade. It just makes you want to go Amish doesn't it?

The video may be found at the following link: Click HERE

Republicans Consider Molestation A Family Value

2009-07-19T09:58:00.002-04:00

Republican leaders, under intense pressure to keep the lid on their sexual perversions, announced today that the will simply add child molestation as a Family Value.

"We are not yet certain how high on the list of values it will be," remarked Ralph Blisterfill, Republican chairman of The House Committee on the Protection of Children. "But we'll ask the rank and file of the party to come up with a suitable response to the questionnaire we sent out to them. We expect a large return, given the number of participants. When asked by Rag Box Child Molestation correspondent, Jim Futile, how many of the questionnaires went out, Blisterfill was hesitant to speculate, but insisted that the privacy of individuals should be protected under such circumstances, hinting only that a partial list could be found at the following link:

Republicans who have molested children recently.

Blisterfill did not hesitate to say that the list at that link only represented the tip of the iceberg, but "we felt compelled to start somewhere."

Asked if he was planning to add any additional Family Values for Republicans, Blisterfill added that incest was not off the table.

Palin to Stay in Politics: Republicans Terrified.

2009-07-12T19:52:00.002-04:00

Sarah Palin

Miss Wasilla

The prospect that the brief and former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, intends to stay in politics is sending shock waves through Republican ranks according to Rag Box sources. It had been hoped by Republican power brokers that the Ethics Hearings against Palin would suffice to keep her out of the limelight for years.

However, despite her penchant for shooting wolves from helicopters and the sexual exploits of one of her daughters (not the one mentioned by David Letterman) have failed to quell rumors that Palin will continue to be a pain in the ass to the party all the way up to the 2012 elections, where she is expected to fractionalize the party to such an extent that no viable candidate from the Right will garner enough support to provide a suitable challenge to the Democrats in the foreseeable future.

"I plan to write a book, try to get a TV show, and make the rounds in the lower 48 to see if anyone considers me more than a nice looking chick who talks just a little funny," quipped Palin, when stopped by Rag Box political correspondent Steve Smithers.

Palin, speaking to Smithers offered that the book she is writing will put J.K. Rowling to shame.

"I'm writing something real close to the Harry Potter books, but mine will be about a girl in a helicopter with a 50 cal (50 calibre machine gun) rescuing her grandmother from a pack of wolves. I'm almost finished with the foreword," she continued.

Palin plans to go on a national speaking tour after she repays her ethics defense fund, the illegal use of Alaskan taxpayer money for her previous trips with her children and "tidying up" as she exclaims, that little problem with that trooper.

"I also got (have) a few pictures that'll probably circulate on the Internet that I need to douse before I can be considered a serious contender in the political arena. Until then, the Playboy offer still stands," she concluded.

G-8 Summit Tosses $20.00 at World's Hungry

2009-07-10T20:23:00.006-04:00

According to the latest estimates from the UN’s Food and Agriculture Organization, over 1 billion people in the world are now chronically undernourished. The G-8 Summit's recent pledge to offer 20 Billion dollars to the world's hungry equates to approximately $20 dollars for each of those facing a daily crisis of malnourishment.

Sib Ahmalin, a tribesman in Ghana where President Obama has made a stop during his sojourn to the Summit, said that he is personally grateful for the $20 dollars and plans to use it to purchase two Big Mac's and a chocolate shake as well as the larger fries, should his impoverished village ever get a McDonald's franchise.

"If we do not receive the franchise, my family and I plan to eat the money directly as it contains a needed source of cellulose," stated the suprisingly astute Ghanaian farmer.

When Asked by Rag Box Food and Health Correspondent Jill Klimhausen how much in the way of nutrients one could expect from a $20 dollar bill, she stated that it would provide sufficient pulp for one decent bowel movement. "This is providing that Mr. Ahmalin and his family still have functioning bowels," she added.

The next G-8 Summit whose dates have yet to be set has already promised to increase the amount of aid to the worlds hungry to include spoons, knives, and forks, should they become necessary in the event real aid is on the way.

"It won't be top shelf silverware, mind you. Pretty much the plastic white ones," stated Rolf Ginsborg, Swedish member of the permanent G-8 partnership to feed the world's poor. "But it's a good start. All we need now is $500,000,000 paper plates."

Lebron James Videotape Siezed

2009-07-09T12:00:00.006-04:00

In what has turned into a media nightmare for Nike, the sports paraphernalia whore, a videotape showing Lebron James being "dunked on" by Xavier's Jordan Crawford was seized in a North Korean version of "free press."

Apparently, rules are in place that explicitly state if Lebron James is embarrassed in a pick up game, any taping of such an event must be confiscated immediately and destroyed so as to leave no trace of any potential humiliation.

"The stakes are too great," stated Bill Menninger, a purported Nike spokesperson. "We pay him a lot of money not to look like an idiot. Let's face it, you can't have some college hoops guy do a two handed slammer over his dome for the world to see."

When asked by Rag Box sports correspondent Ted Driftbox if Lebron walking out of the stadium after losing the finals to the Orlando Magic would qualify as an embarrassing moment, Menninger stated that such displays of childishness are allowed under the current contract.

"He's still a young guy," quipped Menninger. "Look, he hasn't done drugs, been caught with a babe on each arm, or otherwise disgraced the league (NBA) or Nike, so cut him some slack."

When it was pointed out that videotaping had occurred during the entire pick up game and that the reported slam dunk could have been handled by James in a humorous manner, Menninger confiscated Driftbox's notes and tore them to pieces.

This account of events are thus considered hearsay as Driftbox recounted this story from his memory. "He just "DID IT!, quipped Driftbox. "By the way, Menninger is an asshole, and so is Nike. Only bigger. With a tattoo on it"

The comments of Mr. Driftbox are his own and are not endorsed by The Rag Box, although the statements are pretty cool nonetheless.

Michael Jackson Tributes To Continue Until 2020

2009-07-08T07:52:00.003-04:00

The same media that spent years vilifying the entertainer as a pedophile and walking freak show has decided, in a surprising turn of events, to deify the musical pop icon. A few of the planned expositions and tributes are listed below.

Plans are underway for a 400 foot statue of a sequined glove in downtown New York near the Guggenheim Museum
The Rhinoplasty Center in Sewell N.J. is planning an entourage of 400 doctors and nurses to form a phalanx shaped in the likeness of Jackson's nose and march themselves in unison down Old Mill road and terminate at Washington Lake Park, where the doctors will then disperse in the shape of a giant nosebleed.
Children in Newton, Mississippi will assemble at city hall where they will run as quickly as possible in all directions when the mayor announces that Michael Jackson is in fact alive, and headed toward the city. "We already have a Jackson hunt planned for next year," stated mayor Dan Johnson. "We have an egg with the face of Michael Jackson on it. We are going to hide it in our park and the child who finds it will be asked to turn it into the police and receive a reward."
All ELCA Lutheran Churches across the nation who bear the name "St. Michael" will instead name them "St. Jackson" in honor of the King of Pop's generous donations over the years.

Other venues such as the Mars Candy Corporation are making plans to name a new snack after Jackson called the Jack-O Bar, tentatively made up of a core of dark chocolate and peanuts smothered in a white chocolate coating.

Television and other media outlets have already agreed to a series of "specials" and "in depth" memorials designed to take his memory into 2020. When asked by The Rag Box as to why the media would now, in essence, deify an individual they spent nearly 30 years vilifying. most responded by saying, "Hey. Dude is dead. We can afford to be nice to him now."

As a matter of record, The Rag Box wishes to offer its own tribute, already executed by a party of individuals whose video follows. WARNING. CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE VIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Ousted Honduran President Chooses Own Country As Grave Marker

2009-07-05T07:27:00.008-04:00

Ousted President Manuel Zelaya said Saturday that he would return to Honduras to retake office following last week's military-backed coup, despite warnings of a potentially deadly confrontation with the current government that could turn bloody...for Zelaya.

Approximately 10,000 supporters are prepared to act as funeral pallbearers should Zelaya step from the plane at the Tegucigalpa Toncontin Regional Airport. He will be guided to the airport by the Honduran Civil Aviation Authority which has staunchly backed the current government. It is unclear whether Tegucigalpa air controllers will offer assistance to the exiled president by way of landing instructions or whether they will provide an alternate landing site, possibly into the side of one of the mountains near the city.

The interim government has taken to radio and television airwaves with jingles, part of a campaign to win over those who have yet to choose sides. Roberto (Bobby) Micheletti, the interim president vows that his jingles will turn the tide in his favor and garner additional support from people currently favoring Zelaya.

One jingle making the radio station rounds in Tegucigalpa portrays Zelaya as a male prostitute who is deeply involved in drugs and alcohol.

"It is a catchy little tune," admitted Manuel De Los Angeles, former Vice President of the poor Central American nation. "My children will not stop singing it."

Khamenei and Ahmadinejad U.S. Agents

2009-07-04T07:23:00.005-04:00

Opposition leader Mir Mousavi or Iran has accused current fake president of Iran , Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Supreme Grand Dragon of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, of being U.S. agents.

This process, (of blaming the U.S.) is designed to shift the focus of the recently held "elections" to focusing attention on what is perceived to be a national hatred for America. In retaliation, the Iranian government has declared Mousavi a U.S. agent, as well as anyone who voted for him, bringing the total number of U.S. agents in Iran to 3.6 million.

Ali Drihman, Iranian foreign correspondent and U.S. spy operating out of Tehran in Apartment C near the downtown bus terminal spoke on conditions of anonymity that the latest efforts to Americanize Iranians by calling them agents will only hasten the day when Iran becomes a U.S. territory with the same voting privileges as Puerto Rico.

"Look at the demographics." Drihman said, from his favorite cafe, The Ahmedin. "Eventually, the U.S. agents in Iran will outnumber to population to such an extent that they will apply for mass U.S. citizenship, thus enabling unfettered use of the Internet and cell phones. It's only a question of ti.............

Drihman's report was cut unexpectedly short and The Rag Box has been unable to reach him by Cell phone. It is presumed he is at the U.S. Embassy, asking for asylum provided he will have the hands to sign the paperwork.

North Koreans Hose Up Missile Launch

2009-07-02T21:00:00.004-04:00

The North Koreans, unaware of the upcoming 4th of July celebrations in the U.S. blew an opportunity to launch a missile at Hawaii in what would have been a "surprise" for Honolulu and outlying areas.

Instead, the North Koreans were seen scrambling to assemble a bottle rocket to launch into the compound of the U.S. Embassy in Pyongyang.

According to an unidentified spokesperson for the North Koreans, the bottle rocket exploded in the hands of a Korean scientist as he was preparing it with nitroglycerin and confetti. He was treated at a nearby hospital and promptly shot by North Korean authorities after the mishap.

The North Koreans are now in the process of deciding where their next failed launch will take place but it is expected to be no sooner than Labor Day at which point no one will give a damn, according to sources in Washington.

"It's not really a holiday per se," stated Paul Dwivel, spokesman for the Department of North Korean launch failures. "But we'll keep an eye on them just in case they decide to try a cherry bomb in downtown Seoul."

Social Network Leads Nomadic Existence

2009-07-02T08:55:00.004-04:00

TeeBeeDee, a Social Network for people generally in their 40's and over, leads a nomadic existence. It is the only known Social Network capable of pulling up roots from one site and moving to another on two weeks notice.

"Sure we've lost hundreds of members," stated Scott Free, a TBD member. "But we'll gain new members.

When asked about the loss of the old members, some of whom had been with the old location for a long period of time, Free suggested that if they were too lazy or dumb to make it over to the new site, then they should be abandoned in the desert like the snakes they are.

"Sure, the new home is a royal mess and bears little resemblance to the old site and people will be confused beyond measure. But like good nomads we will adapt,"

Free went on to say.

"Besides, by the time people settle in and get used to the new format, we will be pulling up stakes to become a subgroup of Facebook, something we tried to accomplish over at the old site but were never quite able to."

Mississippi Teen Birth Rate No. 1

2009-01-07T17:33:00.002-05:00

As first reported by the Rag Box in December of 2002, Mississippi now leads the nation in teen pregnancies. The milestone was reached in 2006, the last year statistics were kept by unscrupulous volunteer teen pregnancy counters who followed the youths around for months making certain that the alleged pregnancies were in fact true.

"It's an honor to be from Mississippi and receive the title "The Preggers State." stated McKeishelle Quanza, head of the Teen Pregnancy Consortium.

"We worked hard to receive this distinction. I want to thank the many volunteers who poked holes in prophylactic packages in all of the pharmacies in the state, and substituted the "pill" with Pez tablets," continued Quanza.

In addition to the work of volunteers, the state of Mississippi also assisted by dropping sex education classes and terminating counseling and other resources that would have kept the distinction as the Teen pregnancy Capital in the state of Texas, which previously held the record.

The state legislature has tentatively adopted a new slogan for the state: "We Don't Miss in Mississippi", a reference to the fact that the state's teenagers know where and how to hit their intended target as often as possible.

"And none of them other jive ass states better try to pass us up for the title coz if we have to, we'll take the goods outta ev'ry fertility clinic in the state to keep the record," stated Lawandell Jones, a Mississippi teen who is responsible for the pregnancies of no less than 30 teens over the past year.

Israel, Bombs, Death, Violence, Gaza, Palestine

2009-01-06T17:40:00.003-05:00

Booming Gaza Tourism Placed on Hold

If it's Gaza, it must be Tuesday.

It's just a bad time to vacation in the Gaza strip. The service is lousy and getting a cup of coffee while running at full speed only to have your leg removed by a stray Israeli Negev machine gun round is probably not conducive to the type of rest you might have been looking for on your trip to the Middle East. If Gaza was even on your itinerary, you are the type of person who deserves and I.E.D. up your ass.

Face it. This will never be solved. Ever since the proverbial "We will drive them into the sea" comments, the Israeli's have been a little trigger happy. They don't surf much.

The U.S has called for a cease fire. Great. The Rag Box is calling for one also. Let's see whose request is honored first. We also demand the withdrawal of all troops from the region and a statement by Hamas that not only does Israel have a right to exist, it has a right to exist in territory that was formerly someone else's before the UN thought it would be a great idea to place the Israelis in an area where every other nation in the region despises them and is fully committed to destroying them.

Israel Considers Making Gaza Uninhabitable

2009-01-04T12:12:00.006-05:00

The Israeli army is planning an invasion of the Gaza strip that will include chemical and biological treatments of the ground in the area to make the region uninhabitable to either Palestinians or Israelis. A new song has already been published to celebrate the latest outbreak of violence in the region.

"This land's not your land, this land's not my land"

"This land's not fit for you or me."

Interested parties will be able to download the updated version from iTunes in the near future.

Meanwhile, men, women, and children will continue to be set ablaze and otherwise killed in an effort to make a statement to Hammas about the difficulties to be encountered when launching rockets into Israel.

The U.S. has already requested whether the Gaza strip may be used to store spent uranium from U.S nuclear reactors.

"It's a perfect fit", stated Ross Pretor of the U.S EPA. We anticipate leakage from the spent nuclear fuel within 2 years thus capitalizing on a plan already under way. It is simplicity itself."

Joe Paterno to Coach From Grave: Also, Farve Pissing People Off by only "Considering" Retirement

2009-01-01T22:31:00.007-05:00

Penn State coach Joe Paterno will be coaching the 2009 season from a coffin which has been electronically wired to provide the octogenarian with the same information that was given to him during the 2008 Rose Bowl loss to USC. Penn State Alumni will decide when it's time to drop the lid, which according to some estimates, should have been sometime in the early 80's.

Also, Rag Box sources have gathered information from NFL league sources that Brett Farve is becoming a major pain in the ass by not being definitive about his retirement. Anyone with even a modicum of knowledge about the game (except Farve) knows that the aging quarterback cannot throw a pass beyond 30 yards, enabling defenses to play the short game and thus negating any possibility of success next year.

"He is old and useless. He has ruined his legacy with his former team (Packers) and basically pissed away his last year (possibly) with the N.Y. Jets on a make believe trip to the playoffs," according to Donald Smeld, spokesperson for the Jets who was quoted under conditions of anonymity. "He is like a Douglas McArthur (WW2) general epitaph. He won't die. He just wants to fade away. What an asshole."