Diary of a Conception

Not knowing

2008-09-05T01:15:00.000-07:00

I really want to do a test tomorrow morning (it would be 3 days early - like last time).

It's HELL not knowing. I mean, I know the result is already decided inside me. Whether I am pregnant, or am not is already decided. It's just that I don't know what that result is. I want to know so badly!!!

But if I tested, say, tomorrow morning, I'd have to test the next three mornings with the same kind of stick to make sure that I still am pregnant and the line is getting darker. I've exerpeinced the utter disappointment of a chemical pregnancy, so obviously cannot be sure until I know my HCG numbers are doubling every three days or so, and I can only find this out through regular blood tests. But my clinic does blood tests every other day for about two weeks after you get your result so if I'm pregnant I'll know if the numbers are rising.

Signs and symptoms

2008-09-04T08:51:00.000-07:00

For the first two days or so after embryo transfer (ET) I had twinges and stabbing pains and general aches in the womb. I was really pleased about it as it felt that something important was going on. Then all went still and quiet. Boobs stopped feeling as tender as they had been doing (due to the trigger shot, presumably) and the twinges and aches went away... I was left feeling fine, and unhappy about this! I wanted a bit of discomfort to let me know something was going on. Then yesterday, and a bit of today, I've had a low ache, very low down in my womb, like when you have AF only different, and I'm interpreting it as a good sign. Simultaneously, yesterday I started with the cervical mucus, which hasn't been there for ages and has just now come back with a vengeance. Nice. But, again... could be a good sign. This afternoon I even had a metallic taste in my mouth, but I wonder if that was because something unpleasant fell down from the back of my nose... UGH, GROSS. Why did I even write that?

Five days till test day. And this time I believe I'm actually going to hold out right up to the day.

Very special person

2008-09-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like a very special person. I have my embryos inside.

I am being very philosophical and have taken the attitude that there is nothing I can do to influence implantation. Worrying, praying and hoping won't make the blindest bit of difference. It will either happen or it won't happen. We just have to wait, and in the meantime we should have friends round, eat good food, read good books, watch great films, hug our families, and just wait calmly and see. We just have to carry on with life. The outcome is in the hands of fate and if I am pregnant now, or if I'm not, it is already decided inside me, and worring cannot help.

It's just so difficult to keep the dreams away. Thoughts keep sneaking in such as, "oooh, what if I am pregnant. I will be pregnant. We might have a baby. OOoh," And then I rush to crush those thoughts with, "don't think like that. It may not happen. It might be a BFN - so don't get your hopes up too much." And the internal arguments continue.

At lunch time I enjoyed a small glass of organic red wine. :-)

Introducing The Baboos

2008-08-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Saskia, Howard and I got to the ARGC at 10:00 where the embryologist told us that we had two "picture perfect" blastocysts to transfer - really top quality. We were so happy!

We also have two to freeze so that makes three frosties in total. Enough for a FET later, after these two pieces of perfection are born.

So I am now PUPO again (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). I test in ten days time on 9th Sept (although knowing me I'm sure to test before then!). I hope I hold out. I'm going to give DH the pee sticks so I can't sneakily do one.... Although it's not beyond me to pop out and buy one secretly. I can be quite out of control sometimes! Generally speaking though I'm really, really happy and look forward to a positive result in ten days. Come on embies; you have been named The Baboos (my DH calls babies Baboos so I couldn't resist, even though it looks and sounds a bit like baboons..)

Deciding about ET

2008-08-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

We have decided to go for blastocysts again.

This morning (Day 3 post EC) I had a wide variety of cell division:
1@8 cells
2@7 cells
1@6-7 cells
2@5 cells

They could pretty much pick out too good ones and were happy to put them back. But as I was unsure they decided to wait until 1:00pm and have another look.

The situation now is:
2@8 cells
3@7 cells
1@6-7 cells
1@6 cells

So from a situation where some were not at the right stage we've gone to a situation where all are at the right stage.

All are slightly fragmented as well, so it's not possible to pick two good ones any more today. Apparently some embryos lose their fragmentation as they divide on, some don't. Slight fragmentation is normal, it's only if there is major fragmentation that it's a bad thing. None of mine are majorly fragmented so the logical decision seems to be to carry on to blastocyst stage to get two obvious good ones and freeze any others.

At the moment, none of them are top grade, but I'm not worried as the embryologist wasn't bothered about this. She seemed to be more concerned that they continue to divide normally without a great deal of fragnmentation and that's that's happened to all seven of ours!! (So pleased!) Although I'm disappointed I'm not getting them put back today, I think waiting is the right decision in this situation, and I look forward to Saturday - which is when the transfer will definitely happen.

Hmmm... more waiting...

Dividing

2008-08-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

The happiness continues. All seven embryos are dividing nicely today, Day 2 after egg collection. Apparently by now they should all be 2 cell or 4 cell embryos and all mine are four cell except one which is five cell! SO pleased.

They will call again tomorrow to let me know if I shoudl come in for embryo transfer or leave it another two days (they don't do Day 4 transfers) and go to blast and a day five transfer.

I will do whatever they think best for my embryos.

Fertilisation achieved

2008-08-26T02:11:00.000-07:00

Had the phone call this morning and seven eggs fertilised!!!
I am so happy.
I can't believe it.

:-)

Two were apparently no good to even inject (too large) and two fertilised abnormally.

But seven... it's so much better than last time when I only got four.

I pray they all keep dividing well, as we would like to be able to have some frosties this time as well as two put back.

Generally speaking, I am extremely happy and don't feel very sore from egg collection yesterday at all. Yaaaay!

Egg Collection

2008-08-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

This morning, at 7:45, the doctor retrieved 11 eggs from me, and we're going to have ICSI.

We had a very good talk with the embryologist after the proceedure, and what with my 39 year old eggs that are not chromosomally perfect and DH's sperm which had 85 abonormal forms, it was the right option for us this time. We had planned to have IVF but the embryologist was excellent and went into some detail about both proceedures, and we went with her recommendation of all ICSI.

The phone call tomorrow morning will let me know how many fertilised. (very scary)

I don't have the excruciating pain in the shoulder that I had with the last egg collection - they must have avoided that nerve this time! - but I am feeling very tender down below. I have had one voltarol suppository and two paracetamols, but I am still sore.

From now on it's two cyclogest suppositories per day and one baby asprin. No mention of clexane yet (which is nice!).

Flushing the pipes

2008-08-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Today we were struggling with the issue of how many days DH should "flush his pipes out" before egg collection. Four seems to me like the perfect time to leave it as current thinking indicates between 3 and 5 days.

However, researching it I found that 36 hours is fine, and that now the thinking is not to leave it longer than 3 days. Could this be true??

We just did the deed tonight, which means if I trigger tomorrow (which is what we assume) then DH's sperm will be 2.5 days old at the time of egg collection (conception). We're quite anxious about this because we don't want ICSI, so the sperm have got to be as good quality as possible for IVF. Also, sperm quality is our stumbling block (as well as my age!) because he had a vasectomy for 24 years.

Poor DH really dislikes having to do the deed on EC day, and I can understand this. It's humiliating (in a different way to what we women have to go through) to have to produce on demand in that little room with people all talking and walking around normally outside.

But I have to inject myself with drugs every day, several times a day, and drink litres and litres of water, and constantly be near toilets. ETC. It's so uncomfortable when travelling to always desperately need the loo. And the train toilets are always rather unsavoury... And I have to travel every single day - up to the clinic and back.

Today I had a blood test in the morning followed an hour and a half later by a scan. Then a I had to return for a blood test in the afternoon and another scan, performed by Mr T himself.

Tonight I have to take just 25 iu of Puregon. We think I will trigger tomorrow evening.

Scan

2008-08-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today on my scan they saw a BIG follicle on each side. On the left one follie measured 16mm and on the right, one measured 12.5mm. There are many more - about five on each side, but all much smaller.

Although there are about 12 follicles developing in total, I don't think it's terribly good news that there are two huge ones while all the rest aresmall... This didn't happen last time. They all developed at a steady pace together. But we'll wait and see. I'm at the best clinic and they adjust the medication every day so they might yet rescue the situation.

This evening I have to take 300iu of Puregon only (in contrast to yesterday which was 300 of Merional and 75 of Puregon). Last cycle it was simply 300 Merional all the way through, until the last few days when I switched to Puregon.

Why do they switch, I wonder? What difference does it make? Perhaps Puregon will somehow allow the others to catch up with the two big boys..?

Special effort

2008-08-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

To help me on my quest for plenty of good quality eggs, in addition to my normal diet,

I'm eating:

Brazil nuts (for selenium)
Tofu (for protiene)
Cereal (because I have it with lots of milk)

I'm drinking:

Water
Fruit tea
Milk (only on cereal)

Vitamin Supplements:

Vegetarian Omega 3, 6, 9
200mg Co-enzyme Q10
Pregnacare vitamin supplements
5mg folic acid

I'm abstaining from:

Caffeine
Alcohol
Exercise (just during stims and the 2ww, and for a week or so after that)

I'm also making sure my diet is varied, as organic as possible, and as healthy as possible, with a few naughty-but-nice things thrown in for good measure.

At the same time my DH is doing:

No caffeine
No alcohol
No smoking a shisha
Taking Wellman vitamins
Co-enzyme Q10 200mg
Vegetarian Omegas 3,6, and 9.

Half way through stims

2008-08-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still stimming away. Day 8 on Monday.

So far I've had eight blood tests (one per day) and three scans. I'm on 300 iu Merional and 75 iu Puregon - a quite high doesage in total making 375 of stimulating drugs. I'm also still doing the suprefact down regulating injection. Today I had to inject myself 4 times! Two Puregon pen, one Merional, and one suprefact. My stomach is getting a little bruised.

At my clinic they don't really tell you how many follicles you have, although I asked my doctor the last time I went for a scan and he said, "a few one on side and a few on the other." Clear as mud. I guess I'll learn more at the scan and blood test tomorrow morning. It's quite a slog going in every single day, including the weekend.

I'm also still glugging away. I'm supposed to be on 3 litres of liquids a day but I'm probably on about 2 - including water, fruit tea and milk. It's not easy to drink so much when you already feel bloated. And you can't get a good night's sleep as you're always waking up to go to the loo.

Fiddly business

2008-08-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is my third day stimulating and it's fiddly and awkward. I have to do 225 iu of merional and 75 iu of puregon. There is still some puregon left in the pen from last time - but I've no idea how much as the dial says 0. But when you look inside it quite clearly has fluid in there. May just have to take it out and start afresh with a new cartridge, but I don't want to waste any. DH might know what to do.

I much prefer powders, vials and injections to the pen.

Each day I inject myself three times:

9:30am - suprefact 0.5 (down regulating injection)
Between 8:0pm and 10:00pm I have to inject Merional and then inject Puregon with the pen.

My stomach's starting to feel tender, as are my arms. Every day I have a blood test (and every other day an internal scan). I'm feeling exhausted already. AND I'm supposed to be drinking 3 litres of fluid per day - but I just can't muster up the enthusiasm for this. Last cycle I drank 4 litres per day and was very uncomfortable, spending most of the two weeks on the loo. Why did I have to drink so much if my body was immediately flushing it out as waste??

Doesn't make sense.

Knock me out

2008-08-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a hysteroscopy for no reason.

There was, apparently, a tiny, tiny piece of thing in my womb which was so small that... (and here the nurse who was speaking to me on the phone trailed off)...

Anyway, they measured the womb, sluiced it out with saline solution, and removed the microscopic bit of thing that was in there... and here I am. Fresh, clean, and ready for my embryos. Only I haven't made them yet.

But I'm on the case. This evening I did my first stimulating injection - 300iu of Merional straight in the stomach. Stung a bit, but psychologically it feels great. I'm on the final furlong and in sight of the finish line. In approximately two weeks I should be undergoing the joys of egg collection down in the dungeons of the ARGC.

As previously arranged, I met up with a girl who was having her eggs collected today and who sold me her spare Merional. I gave her £40 for 300iu (which I used tonight) and she threw in some large drawing up needles and a couple of syringes. Thank you, J.

I have to increase my fluid intake from now on but I'm NOT going mad and doing 4 litres per day as I did last cycle. That was over the top since I'm not at risk of OHSS, so I resolved to just do 2-3 litres (including fruit tea, hot chocs, and milk on cereal etc)

I've now been down regulating for 15 days, and AF has now all but dried up. I used the last of my sanitary protections the other day and caught myself thinking, "well I won't be bothering with those again for another 10 months," and then felt guilty for having such a posisitve thought. Why tempt fate? I hastily reasoned that it was more of a hope that a prediction.. (starting to go mad already).

AF here already??!!

2008-08-05T02:08:00.001-07:00

Well, after eleven days of down regulating it seems like AF has made an appearance on exactly the day she should, pretty much out of the blue. It's going like clockwork so far. Strange.

I don't have any great symptoms, just one hot flush the other day and feeling a bit tired... Otherwise you can't tell I'm in the menopause. :-<

I did the injection slightly wrong yesterday. When I went to stab it in, the hand holding it jerked and I stabbed the needle in an unexpected place at the very edge of the pinch of fat - almost into my other hand. It really stung, but I forced myself not to pull the needle out again as I'd only have to stab it back in again... I slowly pushed down the syringe so the liquid went in, but it was really painful. Made sure I was free from spasms this morning.

I'll have to call my clinic if AF really, really is here and it's not going to just stop in a few hours.

Fast response

2008-07-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

That was quick! This morning I received a prescription from a Dr. Omar in the post for two bottles of Suprefact. So now I'm all sorted for the next 19 days of down regulating - after which I'll need to source some more needles and syringes.

Saturated fat, life-saving, and incorrect prescriptions

2008-07-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went down to our local chip shop and ordered a kiddies cone (in a tray), covered them in vinegar, and then poured hot baked beans over them. Then I went home and ate a Kit Kat. I'm now thinking of eating some sugary Kellogg’s cereal.

Surely four injections of suprefact can't have affected my sensibilities that much?

On a more positive note, a certain online friend posted her spare needles and syringes off to me yesterday and I received them today. Life saver! I am so grateful because we made the decision to buy all our own drugs this cycle, as our clinic puts a massive mark-up on the price. We need to be as economical as possible this time round. I've now got 19 day's worth of needles and syringes left (and an incorrect prescription for buserelin nasal spray).

I don't think my consultant was engaging his brain when he wrote it out as I specifically stated the suprefact injection drug as I have an unpleasant reaction to sniffing buserelin. Remember last cycle I had to go to A&E at 2:00 in the morning with a swollen throat and impeded breathing? I'm not doing that again! Injections are fine if occasionally painful (like this morning's).

Anyway, I’m now waiting for a new prescription to arrive so we can get it from Ali’s chemist in Shadwell who do extremely economically priced fertility drugs. For example, they charge £15.50 for a bottle of Suprefact, whereas my clinic charges £60. Can you believe it?? What a racket.

It's all started again

2008-07-28T09:31:00.001-07:00

Yes! I'm off!!!

I starting down regulating two days ago with Suprefact injections. A friend gave me her spare Suprefact bottle and needles, and I have some left-over needles and syringes from last time so I'm set up for a few days. The doctor at my clinic wrote out the wrong prescription though (I can't have nasal sprays!) so I have to get him to change it - I guess I will phone tomorrow.

I'm buying all my own drugs this time in a bid to save money. My clinic does a massive mark-up on the drugs. :-(

I have to have a hysteroscopy on my last day of down regulating so they can take out that little bit of something that's in there before I start stims. I'm hoping it will come out naturally with the next bleed...

I'm feeling positive and excited that treatment has started once again. I'm on my way to another baby! We've decided not to do ICSI though because more and more I blame the procedure itself for my malformed baby. I think the acrania was due to the invasive ICSI. No conclusive proof, but research shows that ICSI is linked to some occurrences of cleft palate - a hole in the roof of the mouth. My baby had a hole in the roof of its head. A severe form of this spectrum of deformities.

At present we're debating the pros and cons of insisting on IVF. It's a risk but... if there's nothing particularly wrong with DH's sperm then why are we encouraged into ICSI?

Mid cycle scan

2008-07-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

I had my mid cycle scan which showed that there is a "little bit of something" still left in my womb - either from the miscarriage or a polyp has developed (nice). At first I almost cried out because it looked like a pregnancy sac! It couldn't have been though, because it's only DAY 13 of my cycle. I will probably have to have a hysteroscopy next before I start stims (although I haven't even started down regulating yet).

Also the blood test couldn't confirm that I'd ovulated (it was maybe too recent an event) so I need to do another blood test and have another scan in a few days time. No lead follicles could be seen on either ovary. I've either only just ovulated, or I haven't ovulated and am nowhere near ovulating. All messed up still. I guess being three months pregnant was a big deal for my body.

Still waiting...

Ok, it's fine. I'm happy AF is here now. Really.

2008-07-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, all is well. AF is here and that's a GOOD thing. Oh yes. I'm not complaining. I like AF. Hello lady. Welcome, welcome. Do your worst, I don't mind.

It turned out that I have to do a monitoring cycle first (again) so down regulation was never going to be this soon (I misunderstood the protocol). I have to wait another three weeks as if doing a cycle for the first time. They want to check my body's really over the pregnancy and I'm good to go for a fresh cycle.

I rang my clinic on DAY 1 and they asked me to come in for a hormone profile blood test the next day (DAY2). I got the results back in a few hours, and they were:

FSH - 5.9
LH - 3.6
Oestradiol - 146
Prolactin - 211

Altogether it's very positive - the numbers a very good (better than last time) - and I have a mid-cycle scan booked for 9 days time.

The monitoring cycle is up and running! I'm on the road again! I'm cycling! AT LAST. :-)

AF is here

2008-07-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

Again. Why?

It's 10 days since my last clot and 14 days since the major clot in the night.

I was supposed to be going into my clinic for the possible start of down regulation tomorrow. Doesn't look likely now.

More delays.

Aaaarrrgggghhh! So mant pitfalls on the IVF journey. I wish I'd known so I could have started this journey when I was 30, instead of 36. I'm 39 in a couple of weeks and still no baby to show for all my efforts.

I think of my little son often though. I wanted him, but he's not here.

The follow-up

2008-07-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

We were going to have a son.

My DH and I found out today. He was three months grown. A mini baby.

The follow-up appointment went well in the sense that the consultant was so professional, kind and supportive. He gave me a copy of the autopsy report and I could see that my baby had 12 ribs, a stomach, a tongue, a larynx, everything... but just no skull. My poor little boy. Why did you do this? Why did you not grow a skull, sweetheart?

The consultant said it was just pure bad luck, a shitty dice roll, no other reason. Chromosomal problems were ruled out, I had enough folic acid in me... just.. one of those quirks of nature that meant this little boy was not destined for life.

The moment we arrived home I phoned my clinic and told them I had ovulated and was ready to start down regulating. I have to go in on Monday for a blood test to confirm ovulation. Then I have to find somewhere to buy suprefact and some needles....

BRING IT ON!

At LAST!

2008-06-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

After nearly TWO WEEKS OF DIAHORREA it has finally dried up. I saw a properly formed little twig in the bowl this morning and was so pleased.

Also, after exactly TWO WEEKS OF AF it has finally tailed off. A snowy white surf board presented this morning so nothing more is coming out. I was doubly so pleased

Good God I've been through it a bit with my bum lately.

I have the follow-up after the miscarriage on Thursday. The post mortem will have been done, and we'll know all the information about the baby that we can, and whether it was a boy or girl. I will then phone my clinic and demand (in a nice way) to be put on Buserelin for down regulation during the tail end of this cycle (which could be anything from a week to 14 days away). I don't have the time/patience/good personality/sense to wait until the end of my next cycle (which could be anything between six and eight weeks away).

I'm not very good at waiting weeks.

Pharaoh's Revenge

2008-06-22T09:16:00.001-07:00

DH and I have got a stomach bug from Egypt. The holiday was fabulous... but somewhat diseased! We've both got uncontrollable diahorrea and stomach cramps which has been going on for three days now, so doctors for us tomorrow.

It's three days since we got back from holiday and a weird thing happened last night. I awoke at 2:00am feeling a pool of wet underneath me. I was mortified to think that I had had an diahorrea accident in my sleep without realising, but when I switched the light on I was lying in a small pool of blood. AF had finished two days ago so I was concerned about where it was coming from. I went to the loo and a clot came splashing out. Another one. But AF had finished up till then. I had to strip the bed and lie on the mattress for the rest of the night. I put on two surf boards (IYKWIM!) but this morning there was only blood on wiping. What in God's name is going on with my body?! I never had clots before this unsuccessful pregnancy and it's a bit worrying. Surely I should be over it by now? It must be nearly two months since the miscarriage..

A belated post from holiday

2008-06-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Well, AF came on the plane going to Egypt. Cycle day 48.

OF COURSE. :-[ :-[ :-[

And it was there for the entire holiday, naturally.

At one point we went away from the resort where we were staying because DH was doing a dive in open water, and I said I'd come with to chat and put sun cream on his head in between dives. I'm standing chatting, leaning against a table watching while they're all suiting up in their diving gear when I get a funny feeling, like something rather gushing is leaking out of me down there...

I run to the public loos on the beach (luckily there is one) and a huge great clot comes cascading out, BANG, right there and then. My bikini is drenched in blood, I've stained the floor and my hands are messy. It looks like I've committed a murder - and I'm only wearing a bikini!!

Of course I have to rapidly wash the floor, bikini, and my hands and legs, but unfortunately there is a male cleaner in the ladies and he won't go away. I don't know why they won't let women work in Muslim countries, even cleaning ladies toilets, but there you go.

So I was standing in the dark cubicle (why were there no lights on?) sweating with fear and the 40 degree heat, wondering how to wash my bikini while wearing nothing on bottom half and not be seen by male attendant standing right there, AND stem the flow of the hideous full AF. I only had tampax with me (luckily I did pack some) but Jeez- I was so stressed!!

I waited for ages in the loo, sweating so much and trembling. He eventually went out and I rushed to wash out my bikini. Another lady came in but by now I was beyond caring. I managed to get the blood of the clothes but not my leg as I was so anxious not to be caught by the male attendant with a naked bottom half. I rushed back into the smelly, hot, dark cubicle and put on the soaking wet bikini but by now had started to overflow the second tampax I'd put in. Had to change again. I was just about to leave and wash my legs when the male attendant came back in. WHY?

I went and stood outside and he followed me out so I went back in the loos.. The bin where you put paper, which was empty when I first went in, was now full of tampax and toilet paper balls. I so hoped he hadn't noticed what was going on...

At least I washed everything, but from then on it would be impossible to tell if I was leaking again as my bikini was soaking wet. I just had to go out in the sun, and smile and pray.. Later when I checked it was al still ok, so thank God, I survived that awful moment.

All in all, I used up three tampons in half an hour. My poor body still obviously getting over things...