Sober Steve

Steve,,,in charge of Alcohol

2008-01-25T20:24:00.000-05:00

We had a dealers meeting last week at work. I work my program over and over. Just always reminding myself what happens to me when I try control the uncontrollable. Work 12-16 hour days getting ready, not my procrastination either. I wanted everything done, just because I know how I get under pressure. I had no control over the fact We were not ready for this meeting. i had to talk about programs ,,,that I never saw till the power point presentation. I did well, I did great.

On Tues it was decided that I should stop on my home to get cheese and sausage and veggie trays,ohhhh yeah,,,buy those and with a coupon get Budweiser free. Yes Send an alcoholic to get the beer.

Well I was fine, but of course I doubted myself. didn't trust myself at all. 6 Cases of Beer in my truck, 3 miles back to work, it gave me 3 miles to allow that evil twin back in. Called my old sponsor from the parking lot. It was for Work, it was what my boss asked me to do. He reminded me that there are 98% of the world population that can drink with-out getting drunk.
There are people who can have one and Stop. He reminded me again that I was not probably one of them. But suggested if I thought I was to have one and stop again. Well He baited me, not go. I knew what would happen with even the smallest sip. Of course I did fine. Almost fine, I bought Odouls and had two that night at the meeting, which is just 3 stories by itself.

Beer tastes bad to me, so don't worry. not running for the flavor. I did ok, but reminded myself what happens if you sit in the barber chair to many times. Someday you are going to get a hair cut. Gotta run for know at work running around again, short handed here and it is FLIPPING cold 16 below Zero.

Peace Hugs and Kisses

Steve

5 things

2008-01-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

When I started in this proggram I was told at my first meeting to do five simple things:

1) Read the Big Book
2) Goto Meetings
3) Get a sponsor
4) Go to Meetings
5) Keep coming Back

I'm back IN the program. I Have a sponsor,,, I finaly have someone to hold me accountable here. I can't hide behind the fact that my "Northern" sponsor is 300 miles away. I feel so much better. I started to go to at least 3 meeting a week again. I started to walk the other way, thinking I could really do this on my own. I can't. Latley the guilt and shame and the lonelness ruled my heart. I was afraid to live again. My Uncle died right after x-mas. I was so ready to just say *uck it. I was already drunk, in my mind...A dry drunk. I didn't care about myself or my program. The only thing that keep me around the tables was the saying Fake it till you make it. I needed to do this. I needed a spark. I got that spark, I got it from all the thoughts and comments you have left in the past. It was DMC who told me to get my ass off the couch and start living again, Mr Anderson who showed concern, it was the conversions with Sober chick, it was Scott my misplaced bro in Ohio. It was all my brothers and sisters in recovery who brought me back. Oh yeah Mickey also. didn't want him to think he won and stopped me from blogging.

Today I am not ashamed of what i did in the past. I'm trying to pick up the pieces in my life and live again. Live a sober and clean life. To go thru the day and not add people to my 8th step list. Live life on lifes terms... To love again, starting with myself.

I love you all,

peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

A NEW YEAR!

2008-01-04T19:03:00.000-05:00

With this new year, it should bring new and exciting feelings to me, but it doesn't. I have been sober for over a year, big deal. I need to start living again. I need to become one of the people that I envoy at meetings, one who laughs, not cries. One who gets called instead of one waiting for the courage to call another. One who loves, not one who misses what he loved. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks, Haven't blogged, haven't been myself. I'm not sure what I miss most. I cry alot by myself, that seems to bring me further down. My job is taking a toll on me. Long hours is the only thing that is working, I can't wollow in self pitty. I miss so much of the person I was becoming, I pulled back into my shell and can not come out. I'm afraid I afraid of hurting anyone again.

My kids and I are getting along great, The oldest doesn't fight to come see me the youngest he is just an angel sent from heaven to help me. My girlfriend ( yes I have one) supports my recovery. I just am scared to death of failing. This feeling started around my one year mark. I went and spoke at the treatment center that I went to. Told my story hoping it will make a difference to at least one person. A differnece what is that. Today I don't feel different I just feel like a sober sick person. One with no outlook on life left.

I haven't been this far down in months. Blogging use to help, going to do more of that, and surf and talk to you who are making it, making that differnece. I need to be that person again.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

the next right thing

2007-11-21T15:04:00.002-05:00

This time last week I was thinking and thinking and praying for guidance about doing the next right thing. And not being selfish, and putting myself first without hurting other, and most of all doing what is right.

Well being from Northern Wisconsin, Deer hunting a national holiday. My thoughts where consumed about where I was this time a year ago. I was at my bottom, reaching out for somethings, not knowing what. It was just about a year ago that I tried to kill myself during hunting. I was not sure if I was strong enough and ready to hunt. So many things changed from then. I had to find a hunting spot on public land. My son, the youngest this would be his first hunt. His grandfather, my father in law called and wanted to know where "A" was hunting. I told him that "A" wanted to hunt with me, but I knew he would see deer hunting with him. What to do...I asked my wife, if she would go to here parents that weekend and wake him up and get him off in the morning. Her father does not have to patience for that, and from past experience it turned my oldest son off from hunting because of getting yelled at about being late.

Well Last wed I decided that maybe I wasn't ready for this, and "A" would be better off hunting with his grandfather. I had no faith in myself about making it Thur without regrets and without not wanting to use. I drove 3 hours north to drop off all of his gear and gun. That way he could hunt with grandpa. I was pulling out of my parents drive when my wife called and said that "A" would be better hunting with me and she didn't want her father to torture another one of our kids. WOW. I was right. Drove back in a big snow storm. Drove all that for nothing I thought. It wasn't for nothing. My HP was trying to tell me something. Have faith in myself. He knew I could do this. He knew that connecting with my son and connecting with nature is what I needed. I was a drunk before, but not today. He wanted me to enjoy my son's FIRST opening day. And I did. We hunted all day. Laughed and joked around. smiled and do you know what I didn't regret the past.

Happy Thanksgiving...This will be My first one Sober. I might even be able to taste the food this year.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

the next right thing

2007-11-21T15:04:00.001-05:00

Lost: MY Program

2007-11-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

I have seem to have lost the program that has been been working so good for me these last 11 months. Things are moving so fast towards that one year mark. I have already past one year with something else. It was just a year ago that my wife said this was the last argument she was going to have with me. Enough was enough. I look back and think about that night. I tried being funny, came out sideways and everything was different. If it didn't happen that night it would of been soon, and no more I'm sorries, and I;ll do better would not bring her back. So today a year later where am I? Claiming my part, trying very hard to pick up my side of the wreckage. My problem is the wreckage on the other side is from me. The reactions from her and my kids where because of me and this DZ. I know its there butt They most deal with it. Learn to heal of their own. This is the part that hurts, they are healing, and they don't want me around. My wife I understand, but my oldest hurts the most. I don't think we will ever be ok again. The other day he had a hearing with social services about his problems. I made arrangements for a conference call from Portland. I talked to him the night before, and to make a long story short. I said I wanted to be there. His words are stilling ringing in my ears. "NO!!! I don't want you there!! You have been around lately, but where have you been for the last 16 years of my life. You can't now decide to be my father now. It doesn't work that Way." I told him that I wasn't there for so long. I said the I'm sorry, and I'm here for you now, but it wasn't working. I said I want to be there for you,,,then he hung up on me.

I was lost in an IEKA store in Portland looking for candy that he wanted. I found it and bought it, it was now 9 pm. I remembered looking at a meeting list a 10 pm meeting somewhere in town. I jumped in the rent a car and drove. Driving past the bright neon signs was getting harder by the moment. I was on the phone with a girl that I have been seeing with her giving me turn by turn turn instructions from map quest,,,(to cheap for a TOM_TOM) I found the meeting. a few moments late, but there. It was a someones B-day 4 years. At this group he chairs the meeting, and calls on others to share basically about him. I didn't want that. I needed to share, I needed to be heard rushed thru my mind. It can't be about him. ITS about me today. I need you.

After the meeting I went and hugged him and introduced myself, he apologized about the bragging on going on about him. I told him that it was ok. But in my mind it wasn't. I stood outside, being an outsider trying to get into a conversion. I asked this guys sponsor how to get back towards the airport. To told me then made some small talk. He said something then just walked away. why you bastard rushed thru my mind. I walked away heading towards that car, with a mission. I went to the car getting ready for what I thought would be my last drunk. The meeting didn't help me I thought. I wanted to talk to share. Just as I started the car a lady knocked on the window, said John I think was getting me a meeting list and a phone list. I went and talked to them again. Feeling better about things, not great just better. I left and headed back to the hotel. WITH OUT Drinking.

I felt better the next morning. Respecting my sons wishes I didn't call. It wasn't about me. As I thought that night. I have grown so much in the last six months. Before I would of called, he would of been pissed off. I would of probably said something to that guy who's b-day it was. But today I don't have to. I'm so much better off. I most live in today, and not look so far ahead i will do much better.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Finding myself

2007-10-30T18:55:00.000-05:00

Its been over 11 months since I last drank anything. But why can I still lust after its tatse and desire it touch on my lips. Its because I'm an alcoholic who keeps the self talk up. This week I'm in Portland Or. I drove thru the mountains on Sun it was great. Sight seeing all the colors against the snowy mts tops. This was some thing I would never do when drinking. I would be like the est of the people here. Heading right to the bar. But for me stopping after on e or two is not possible. I I went out and explored. Looked at nature. Looked at myself who I am today. I am special and loved for whom I am today. I still might be hated by others for who I was in the past, but I still can not make them forgive me, or go back and change what I did.

So Today I sit in a Hotel alone in Orgeon. Knowing that if for any reason I would not be around tommorrow I am comforted in the fact that I did not hurt anyone Today. In fact I could consider myself lucky to make it today. This morning was a bad moring. I started it over and its OK! I didn't drink I didn't beat myself up for wanting a drink last night. Thought of what I needed to do to fix the problem. The problem is that,,,nothing..The old stinking thinking just wanted to point out that i was different,,,So what...

Gotta run... Going for a drive. A drive SOBER in this great city

Peace
hugs and Kisses
Steve

PS...If you beat yourself up, you loose the chance to do something great!!!!

"Don't even think about it!!"

2007-10-21T13:33:00.000-04:00

HAppy Sunday to all. Last weekend I had one of the best weekends in a long time. It started out that it was a good thing that I have a program. I left work early to drive back to pick up my youngest son. It is about 3 hours back up north. She gets done with work 5, so I tried to pick a place to meet close to her. A park and ride about 45 mins south of her house. I thought it was at 51 and either A or Hwy 8. Well it was neither,. But I told her that if she got to Hwy 8 before the park and ride to wait there. Well it was further south by Hwy 86. Anyways 1 1/2 hours later she loaded mins on her cell phone and said she was at Hwy 8 and A at a wayside not 51. Ok I can't control that. It was late Friday by the time we got to Appleton. Sat Morning. We putzzed and did nothing.

Sunday Morning. The Packer Game. My boss gave me 2 tickets, well to my son a few Weeks ago on a Sat. I brought him to work, My boss asked him to put together about 100 flashlights to hand out. So he got some tickets in trade. This would be "A" first Packer Game (Yes I'm a bears Fan". We drove to the Game with the owners of the company. Had breakfast at Brett Farve steak house. Walked up and down the roads looking at the tailgaters. No thoughts of drinking. Just bringing in the flavor of all the steaks, brats, and the recking smell of beer. We went in early, he couldn't believe it. Saw Dale Enhardt JR. We were sitting there about 30 mins to kick off, no one there yet. A lady walked by adn yelled "Ice cold Beer." I stood up, what I stood up,,maybe they have N/A beer. He looked over and Said with though little baby blues. "Don't even think about it Dad!" What I wasn't thinking anything, "Liar". Ok. Made it thru the game. Afterwords My boss invited us to Bretts Steak house again for Dinner. He ordered my son Crab legs, I got ribs, they ended up buying. I sat there thinking about the what if's, what If I had that drink, I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't be sitting here talking and being social. I wouldn't have the chance to thank my son. I wouldn't have this job that I love.

So on the way home I called his mom since we were late really late. To Meet here about 1/2 way this time she was to drive 2 hours, but I felt responsible for getting him back late. On the way I looked over and thanked him and he asked for what? I told him thanks for for the kind words you said. He said you're welcome. Did he really know what I meant? I told him thank-you without you knowing it you saved me. He answered "I know" . "You know, know what?" "Dad when you stood up you wanted that drink, I knew, but you didn't need that." I started to cry he is such a great kid. A smart kid.

In a letter from my wife she told me that only two good things came out of 20years together. He was one of them. That letter hurt, it cut right to the bone. But today, I knew it is true. It was the way I was in the past. Not today. Months ago I would of tried to run back to the bottle to forget that pain. Well Not today. I hurt my family, her family, her friends, but today I walk sober, I might not have them here with me, but I pray someday I pray that they can ALL forgive me. As Far as the my wife forgiving me, Hell would freeze over first, the oldest the cubs would have to win the world series. So there is hope. As far as the my youngest he doesn't remember all the bad, but he remembers enough. I fell that he has already forgave me. As far as me really forgiving myself...It hasn't happened yet, but I get better everyday. Time to get a different song on here this is depressing,,walk a little straighter daddy.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Which do I choose TodAAy

2007-10-09T11:26:00.000-04:00

Lately I am reminded of a story of something that happened in rehab. I have been sitting on this brick wall looking down on both sides of that Wall. One side is a life of sobriety, happiness, friends and family. The other side is relapse, a life filled with pain and misery. The option should be clear. The key word is should be. I work my program, someday I work it well other I start to climb down of that wall onto the relapse side. Most of the time there is a hand that reaches down and grabs me, pulls me back onto that wall. But lately I can not move down of that wall onto the sobriety side. I feel that I'm holding that door open for relapse to sneak back up. Maybe this is one of my charter flaws, not having enough faith in myself that I'm doing it. Walking this sober path.

In the morning I'm faced with the decision which way I want to move. I sit there. I could pray, read the big book, call another AA, I could just go drink, but I choose to sit there on that wall looking down at the options. I guess its better to sit there then to fall onto the relapse side. But what if the wind blows strong from the sobriety side and pushes me into the relapse side. What then. Am I strong enough alone to hold on. The answer is no. I feel that I am running on self will again. I feel into a really good group at an AA meeting. I'm doing what my last sponsor told me to do, keep coming back. I need to find a new sponsor down here, but I'm holding out. For what I don't know. Last night at a meeting someone gave the definition of "ism" as it refers to sponsorship. "I'm sponsoring Myself". That's not good. That really hit home last night.

Yesterday was a bad day, but I didn't run to the bottle, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough, I need to crawl down of that wall and surround myself with fellow AA's. With about a dozen emails yesterday my divorce is almost final.. 20 years together, we we solve it with emails. It's like just hitting delete key, BANG the 20 years of your life never existed. WOW that is harsh. I need you right now to hold me from climbing down of that wall onto the other side. I can't go there. I WILL NOT make it back.

This last weekend while packing up my up-north house I was getting pissed about what she hasn't done. My program worked for the most part. I was getting crabby and yelled at my p's. Later I said something about being crabby and hungry, and my mom said that I wasn't crabby, go back and look at what I was like a year ago, Now that was crabby. It's working if I work it. I just need to work it EVERY DAY! Every minute, every second

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

2007-09-25T20:36:00.000-04:00

First Off. Thanks to many to calling me out again. I need you. I need AA, and most of all I need my HP. I was out of town of the last week. I needed you, i needed AA and I needed my HP. Guess what you all where here. I could picture your words, hear your advice, and I heard your voices ringing in my ears. I was tested at every corner...

It was the National Convention for the company I work for in Chicago. My home stopping grounds. i was scared and nevourous, nothing but work,,,cocktail parties and dinners, and afterwards drinking. There were about 16 people from the the chain of stores that my boss owns, many of which I never meet yet. There 2 hours and off to the Shed Aquirium. Meet at the door with a hand shake and Champgine. I took the hand. one guy went to get drink and asked what I need Diet coke and what else. My answer without a second though ice. I went on like noithing was wrong with me. thinking that was easy. i later reminded myself of whoo I am. Some of the old habbits came back, the old Steve. i laughed, I smiled, I had fun. the kind of person that you all told me that I could be. For the first time ever I could flirt without needing courage from a drink.

the rest of the week went down hill from there. I remeber calling a my high school sweetheart who lives in chicago also. She wasn't home. Left a message " I had to walk out, I'm at the house of blues, and I almost felt like I was normal. It its been almost ten months, I could have just a few and stop." I called the numbers programmed in my phone, no answer. I looked up and prayed, please help me. I gathered myself up and walked back in. I'm not a normal drinker I can't have one and stop. Another 24 hours in the book.

Back up first night. I was at the aquitrium. Phone ring it was my wife, soon to be ex, but I still repsect her, Her words were short and harsh. "There is no easy way of saying this. A*** (the oldest) was arrested for underage driving, drinking and in possion of drugs while doing 83 without a license." I lost it. I ran for the wash room, cried, once again I blamed myself, he had followed my example. I walked back into the room. Front and center, with no line was the open bar. It was there jusst for me. NO Line the only thing that would of made it a perdect dream was a hot blonde behind the bar. I walked with a purpose to that bar, and it wasn't good. I heard your voices, your doing great, this too shall pass, it will solve nothing. I heard Lush's canadian accent, Sober chicks Calf lingo, the words that I have reaad from all of you. I still walked to that Bar, NOW with a purpose a DIET COKE. I looked up and thanked him. I walked back to the table, wondering what to do now about my son. The phone rang again. It was "L" the kid in jail wasn't my son, he just used my sons name, my son was there but not driving. I looked up again and thanked him. I'm glad that I strong enough not to take that drink, I would of wrecked my life over something that was nothing, and over something that I had no control over...

I will finsh later..I need to spend time with my love...ME..before I go thanks for being here for me today I am greatful that you have been here to guide me to this day. 300 days, in my alcoholic mind that equals 10 months!!!!

I love you allllllllllll

steve

who I was!!!!

2007-09-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

Who I was...From page 6 of " A Guide to the 12 steps of AA"

Fourth Step...Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Again we come to a step that requires courage. One of our chief reasons for drinking was to escape from oursleves. we were afraid of our thoughts and knew we could escape from them through alcohol. We were afraid to face the facts. We were afraid of our jobs, afraid of our families, afraid of resposibility. And we were afraid of thinking about them

So having forified ourselves by taking major hurdles embodied in the first three steps, we find the time has come to actually do something definite about our problem. So very much like a bather diving into an icy lake, we plunge into an inventory of oursleves.

And what did we find? We had been dishonest. We have lied. We have cheated. we have broken hearts. We have stolen. We have slandered others. We have let down emlpoyers, friends and families. we have induluged in extra-marital activities. We have cursed God and Man. We have broken faith. We have smashed most of the laws God and Man. In all, we find that we are pretty sorry, miserable individuals. And every one of these facts can be traced back to alcohol.

To continue the inventory, we consider our physical selves, finding that health is impaired, memory is faulty, appearnace is becoming more carless and slovenly, finances are at a low ebb. And having honestly taken oursleves apart we wonder how on earth people have put up with us all this time.

It is a brave act to dissect ourselves thus. But we are fully compensated in the great feeling of satisfaction we experience in having at last squarely faced an issue. No man in his right senses wants to continue in this manner when he finds out what is wrong with him, so we logically come to the fifth step."

This was me. It sounds like a lot of us in the past, that is what it is...The past. I'm having problems lately with acceptance. yes I'm an alcoholic. But still feel I had a choose. If you haven't noticed I haven't come back lately. I'm scared. Scared that this aa stuff works. It does I have a program. The parts that scared me was on the 9 month. it was 10 months since my wife told me it over, she couldn't let herself get hurt anymore. She needed to care for herself, before she was completely gone. Our marriage had been over for years I knew it, drank to forget it. I tried everything to get her to change her mind. Yes this is a honest program,,,I tried everything. begging, crying, hands and knees, cooking dinner, laundry, finishing projects, talk about not living without her. Then i tried something drastic. Stop drinking that would work, she would see that I still loved her. Today i know the truth. i stopped to try to save my marriage, and yes if she came back before I grew I would be back, back to a life I didn't want. I found my bottom, I walk it daily now, slowly recovering. i have a new job, a new lease on life, a new love and a whole new family in AA. I know this is really working, but there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the past. I know that is not an option. I have done things, been places, smelled and tasted foods that I never knew existed. I have a life today with aa and all of you. so why do I find myself scared. Because you know why. i have failed at just about everything in my life. Is this just one more cloud that I'm on, just at the edge of falling off. All I still see is the wreckage. WOW. You know what that means, it just came to me,,,the good of this. I look down and see the wreckage. looking down from a cloud. My words...I'm out of the wreckage I'm above it, maybe surveying what can be saved, what needs repair, and who needs love.

Wow talk about 180 turn around, I'm smiling,,I am doing good today. I'm still here to talk to you, share my story, and most of all here to bug the living crap out of the rest of the world. I need to be on that cloud holding on, because If I slip I will be right back in the shit. I'm going to call my sponsor now..Yes I have been bad...kept lying to him saying everything is great, he is upnorth, going to make some calls this weekend to find a least a temp sponsor, it might be hard to find someone who will accept me for who i am though. Being a Bears fan in Green-Bay WI is rough...Hey I can laugh today also!!!!!

I Love you all

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Hey DMC I found my happy thought.... dream it!!!

Returning to the scene

2007-09-06T21:33:00.000-04:00

WOW..What a couple of days. Still sober today. That's is what counts. I'm still alone and lonely but sober. Well I figured out what was wrong the last couple of days. they till you to play that tape back in your mind the whole tape of your last drunk. Not just what we thought was fun, but the entire thing...So here it is.

It was the second Saturday during deer Gun season, only my two boys and I at the hunting land, her families land. The kids didn't know about the divorce yet. I knew that it would be the last time hunting on the land. I started to drink at noon, packing things up. the kids playing PS2 during lunch, we eat good at deer camp. Neither of them wanted to go hunting that afternoon. It hurt really bad. In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer,,,The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want,,,I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. rigged the gun this time when i lowered it it would go off faceing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. i sat and drank my last can of beer i had with. Stumbled back to the camper, Had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town. His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to My kids.

After dinner I remember lying down in the snow and looking at the stars so quite and peaceful out. I remember asking for help praying for something I just didn't know what. I awoke awhile later to go inside and play with the kids, the kids that I almost left behind. i wanted to quite but how. I bought another case Sunday night, another Monday Tues night at a town board meeting I was pretty lite, a drank my last drink at 8:54 A guy handed me another across the bar I said NO I was done. Put my jacket on and left,,,oh that beer was in my pocket, just in case. Wednesday I meet with a AODA counselor the following Sunday I meet my new Family in AA for the first time.

Well last Saturday I had to go back to that hunting land to get my camper and tree stands off of it. The memories just rushed back, The thoughts of what I almost did to my family friends and wife. It took me a few days to play that whole tape back in my mind, i did the other night. I needed to. i need to stay sober to live, to love to exist today.

Nine months ago i couldn't cry like I cry know. I just hurt then, and hurt now, but now I have faith that it will get better it has gotten better, and with faith in my HP I will not worry about the what if's. He is here with me, holding me strong. You to are here to guide me..

Peace hugs and kisses
STEVE

All of this misery is refundable

2007-09-04T21:26:00.000-04:00

I think it a whole lot lately. Last week was nine months. Nine long months of this new life, but still I find the door that I never shut opening back up. Last Sunday I was cleaning my garage out, back up north still haven't sold the house yet. I found a can a beer, warm, yes my mind raced I dumped it out, thinking I have my nine in. Getting my chip in the morning, who would know. would I tell anyone. The the one that lied to cover lies to cover lies to cover me up. I so lost in my thoughts that I don;t know if I'm typing or rambling. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago, that was fine with me, no blogging, no one to save me, stopped goping to meeting, stopped caring about myself again. I relasped and I just haven't had that first drink yet.

I feel like this is day one all over so scared so alone, so empty. I can't help but bet myself up lately. Kids gone, school starting the oldest saying that he is going to choose to live with his mother and not vist. The lawyers trying to get me to throw mud. My up-north sponsor telling me to remeber what I put my wife throw so let her have what see wants. My heart telling me it can't stand the pain, my brain saying run, but to what to where.

I hurt but I know that having a drink isn't going to solve anything. I learned that much in the program I learned to trust, but why can't i call. I need to find a spomsor down here, i need to find a home group, hell i need to pick up a phone list, I need,,,I need,,I need. But all I want is to forget forget what I learned.

No meeting tonight,,,don't have a phone list,,,prayer and mediation is all I have all I need. i need any alcoholic to talk to I need you, I need the newcomer to remind me that it still sucks out there.

peace hugs kisses
Steve

Im going back to look for a few emial address of fellow bloggers for help

Selfish or self-ish

2007-08-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago at a meeting I talked about spending time at the waterfalls in MI. A guy at the tables talked to me after the meeting. We talked about how it made me feel closer to my HP. He is native American, he was saying that in his custom, waterfalls have important piece of lives puzzle. It is the beginning. It washes and cleanses everything to make them new. For many it is the beginning of life. As I sat and wondered about this on a recent trip, (which I'm lucking I didn't slip). I sat by the waters edge and saw pieces of my life get washed away. I am so pissed at myself and this DZ. I saw my kids lives wash away, their smiles, their laughs, those little quirky jokes. My wife all the hurt and pain I caused, just flushed away. I saw my whole life float away. My family and friends, oh that's right what friends. I did what AA says new play things and play places. I have given up being a volunteer firefighter. I will resign from the town board, since I had to move. I have given up so much for this DZ that all I have is an empty void.

My kids are away this week. Soon they will start school. I will see them even less. My oldest is in Texas visiting her side of the family. Is was suppose to fly back and spend this week with me. He wanted to stay. I said yes. Selfish....or shelf-ish. My sponsor harped on my about this. I have been so selfish during my drinking, that maybe it is time to give back. At times I feel I just want a new start. a new life, ok i'll be honest I WANT A FLIPPING DRINK!!!! Soon it will be 9 months, maybe that's why I'm so scared. It was close to day 30 when SC sent me a email saying don't stop for a drink after getting that 30 day chip. Right now that is all that consumes me. Work and life is so stressful, why would I want to add more shit to it by drinking. The thought of this new life of mine with the emptiness I feel is consuming my body. My evil twin is tapping me on the shoulder asking to be let back in.

I hurt so much today after seeing those parts of my life get washed away. Today I do have a choice. Today I choice to let the cleansing waters wash my hurt and pain away. To give life to a better way. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can not dwell there anymore. Soon my kids will be starting school, I will not be able to be there to see them afterwards and help them with homework, that is what hurts so much, that was my job, one thing I could do good with my boys. I will find something else.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

You're Job has been elimanted

2007-07-30T19:35:00.000-04:00

Wow!!! What a way to start a Monday morning meeting. The owners of the Wholesalert hat I work for was here from South Dakota this morning. The meeting started out with that they wanted to nip any rumors in the bud before it became public. The line of furnace that I was hired to be the equipment corridnor, and outside sales for, it was determined that they were dropping the line. My mouth hit the table. Here I am in training, inside sales so i gain the knowledge of how this company operated before I hit the road and promise things that the company can not deliver, would an alcoholic do something like that. Well I was assured that I still have a job. the other line that we carry would be out main line now.

The old Steve would of flown off the handle, yelled, screamed, bitched and then asked what about me. Today with my program i listened waited and asked question calmly. The decision was a business decision, for the good of the company. I would not want to think how I would of reacted if I was still using.

I knew right then i needed a meeting tonight. One starts in 45 mins. I went blog stalking right away. Couldn't post. reached out of a fellow AA in the program. I have come far. Still have a longs way to go, but today, doing it one day at time, just keeping it simple is the best I can do.

Talked to my sponsor Sun am, just like every sun am. He told me to find a local sponsor. one that is close just in case. He asked me about my morning prayer. What morning, been doing it in the evening. "That make sense, Pray for guidance and strentgh after the shit hits the fan. How about asking for courage to face today's challenges? Maybe those challenges could be solved before they are problems." I miss his words of wisdom some days.

Well Go ta run. i have my kids this week. The oldest is flying to Texas for 2 weeks on Sat. So this way I can see them for a week before school starts when he returns. We are mending some fences. Tearning down walls piece by piece. Someday fast, someday slow. but progress

Well once a week is getting better. I will be back soonerrrrrrrrrrrrr. Still missing ya-all.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

The newcomer

2007-07-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

Today I was reminded why it is important for me to go to to meeting. The newcomer. Yes i know at 8 months that's still me, but tonight's meeting there were 3 people there with less than 30 days combined. That was me, that was you, that was us not to long ago. I need meetings, i need the newcomer to remind me that all my misery can be refunded at anytime. Today I awoke alive and sober thats all i have, That is all I need.

It has been to long since I did anything gratitude list.
I'm grateful my HP
I'm grateful for the hands AA
I'm grateful for my family
I'm grateful for my sponsor
I'm grateful for my new family in AA
I'm grateful to discover that I still can't dance
I'm grateful to spend my 1st family function sober, with my grandmother still there to enjoy it
I'm grateful for the newcomer
I'm grateful for all of you that visit my blog, and call be back
I'm grateful for the Loving hands of all of you.

Its been a long time since I really posted. The true raw emotions that consumed this blog in its early days, most of the time I was working thru problems. Today with my problems, I know what to do most of the time, wow does that sound like the promises. Things are still rough getting use to a new life in a new town, but you know what i have something today that i haven't had in a long time. ME. A sober person who is no longer afraid of what might happen, a person that now ,,,ok I won't lie I still don't like change, but i can accept that I can not control its outcome.

I miss all of you. I missed blogging, I missed me. I strayed away, played a little on the dark side, thought I could do this with out meeting, with out talking to a sponsor with out talking to other aa's. I was wrong.

I will be back and keep coming back

love
Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve

I'm back,

2007-07-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have been away for so long. This was not a good thing. I tried to do this on my own. I knoe better than that. I need the hands of aa and you for support. I made it to my first meeting in Appleton since I moved down here. I have had a hard time adjusting to the move from the kids. Teenagers being teenagers. Drunks being drunks. that all i am a drunk, a sober drunk but I'm no different from others. This is going to be short. Kids are here this week. Trying to repair some broken walls with them.

The picture is from the UP of Michigan. This is were I go both in my mind and physically to connect with my hp asking and prayering to do his will not mine.

the other pic is a picture of Sober Steve at his first sober Wedding. Don't worry it wasn't mine. I will be back again. I will keep coming back. I missed you all. i missed My blogger and stalker buds.

peace hugs and kisses

Steve

A Fathers Prayer

2007-06-17T08:33:00.000-04:00

Happy fathers day to all the dads out there. My heart hangs heavy on this day. Not only is this the first fathers day i will be sober. It is the first one alone. This is hard I'm scared. I know that you are not supoose to make majot changes in the first year, but moving is not a a choice it is reality. The thing that confuses me is that today is my anniversy. 18 years ago I held the love of my life in my arms and said forever. Today I just hold those thoughts thats all I have.

I wish I had more time to post. It sun moring. Friday drove home to (northern Wisconsin will always be my home) 512 miles. yesterday I packed up and brought a load to Appleton Wisconsin. 438 miles round trip yesterday. Packed some more this morning. Kids are coming over after my aa meeting this morning. Taking them with to appleton for the week to my new house. I know a knew that needs new memories, good sober memories. I feel empty with every trip I make out of this house.

I missed posating last week. I'm going to get around to say Hi to all this afternoon before i pack pc. not sure when I will get internet down south.

Love to all
peace
hugs and kiises
Steve

Running to or from something?

2007-06-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

Running to or from that is the question. First Thanks Lush for getting me out to play again TodAAy. Yes its been a week since I posted. can't even say I been busy. Been praying to find find gods will not Steve's will.

Went on a job interview last Thurs. Was up all night Wednesday, thinking, and praying, meditating. I was offered the job they are going to get final numbers back and go from there. It would require me to move. One of the big NO-No's in early sobriety. It feels so right, it feels like this a chance to change to grow a chance for all to heal.

Today is June 12. I am sitting in a hotel in Sioux Falls, SD. It is amazing that AA is the same in SD as in Illinois as in Northern Wisconsin We are a bunch of alcoholics trying to trudge our way through. My mind has been racing with doubt and guilt. My says I'm running from but my heart says I'm running to. Through all of this decision making I still feel that this is right. My HP has put so many people in my life for this not to be the wrong decision. Helping me make this decision was the overwhelming faith of others that i could do this. Arriving in SD my suitcase wasn't even put away before i found a meeting. Today i am grateful for the open and loving arms of AA everywhere. I will catch you all up when i return to my new home in Southern Wisconsin.

Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve

TodAAy I am proud of you!

2007-05-28T18:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Sober Steve

I just wanted to stop bye and drop you a note. 180 days ago when we meet you were scared and frightened. You wanted to turn to something, but you didn't know what. you wanted a hand to hold, but who's. You wanted, maybe needed help. A choice was there in front of you. That day you choose, you choose a softer and gentle path to walk. You still could not trust. All you knew is that you were tired. So tired, just sick, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. At 8:54 you made a decision. One that changed the course of history. It could not change the past, but with this you had a future. One with sobriety, one with laughter and one with love.

On November 28, 2006 8:54 pm i was proud of you. You pushed away that last drink. You pushed away a another dose of self medication. By pushing, you allowed me into your life. You allowed another answer. We have been through up and downs, at times you did not even see a future without drinking. You were hurting still not knowing who to trust, you went to AA and asked for help. You walked through those doors scared, shaking, just needing to stop the pain. You sat alone on the couch, alone and ashamed of what you become. Feeling like you sank to the depths of the inhuman, unworthy, unloved existence. They asked for the new comer, you shook, so afraid, shaking, you couldn't talk, but I talked for you. I'm Steve. you sat at your first table. Rick, Patty, Steve, Helen, and ????? all talked about what brought them there. The first step admitting we are powerless. finally you spoke. "My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic" came fourth. your Birth. You talked, cried, cried, wanting to stop the pain. They told you to read the book, don't drink, read the book, and keep coming back. You did, you needed something they had. they smiled, they laughed, they didn't cry. you wanted that life again. Maybe for the first time. you kept coming back, listening sharing, and finally one day you could share without crying, with out shame, without guilt. It doesn't matter how long it took to get to that day, but It was here. It was your life.

Steve you are so worth saving. so much worth the love I have for you today. Your wife, family friends knew you could do this. you wanted to run so many times. you wanted back to try to self medicate again. We stood by your side and told you that we had faith in you. Your wife was gone, your health became an issue, money problems consumed thoughts, but you stood strong. You stood Sober.

So Today 6 months later you have grown. You have began to trust others. you opened your heart to others, you laugh, you smile, you even have fun. Today you can see a life without using. A life worth saving, a life with love and laughter. You are special. You are loved, and when you feel that you are not, just remember that we will love you when you can not love yourself.

With all my love to you
Steve

2007-05-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Our God is an Awesome God! Always know that HE is beside you. In every way on every day.

May peace and Love fill you on this day. May you find the love inside you that your HP has for you. May you walk hand in hand with your HP on this Holiday weekend

Peace to ALL

Steve

Working my program

2007-05-22T14:56:00.000-04:00

Working my program. Last night without saying a word I wasn't working anything. I was just doing what I could to say in the moment. To stay in the day, not the past, not the future. My wife,,,it hurts just to say that,,,and I had a counseling appointment last night. It started out bad and just got worse. With everything happening with the house, she might have to move back in and i would move over to my parents so there would only be one payment a month. The conversion got ugly, her letting go of years of resentment, and hurt. I pulled back into myself, just wanting to get up and run away, run to my friend. I just wanted to be numb again. I cried in front of her like I never cried before. i finally spoke, not words but swords, knives right thru the heart. I yelled you don't want to move back in to our house since you would have to leave the Love shack of yours. In all the years of marriage she was never unfaithful. i accused her of it all the time. Would question why it took over an hour at the store. How come she took a long lunch hour. Now I have more trust for her than I ever have. A little late, a lot to late. i yelled at her because it was a defense I used in the past. i was back to that again. I was shaking, i wanted to run, run fast. The counselor asked what i felt,,,what emotions did i feel. i couldn't talk, she asked what I was doing for Steve, and what I was doing to be safe. The answer scared me.Nothing, nothing at all. i have put all my effort into bringing her back that I failed myself. I have been to busy trying to save the marriage and my kids that I forgot about Steve.

I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.

i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.

It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"

peace
Steve

King Baby

2007-05-21T08:25:00.000-04:00

Its a new day. A new 24 hours. Look I decided to come out and play todAAy. Yes its because I have kids I have a purpose to be here today. I feel so much like a part of society when I am a father. I still try to be the husband but get pushed away. Thats ok, I have pushed them away for years. Last week in a counseling session with my son he made a comment,,,giant slap in the face. "What family, he has pushed us all away." and later "I liked him better when he was drinking." It hurt, hurt a lot, but as for the last comment, he doesn't like it because now I remember what I told him to do. Now I want to part of their lives. Now i ask them for help. I know it will take time for them to let me back in their lives. It is toooooo late for my wife to let me in, well its never to late, but there is a pile of hurt to overcome there. If I just keep on keeping on and keep being sober Steve things will get better.

One thing I rehab in rehab was about the "King Baby"
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....

King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.

Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives
feel unappreciated and think they don't fit
see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them
see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation
judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong
live in the past, fearful of the future
have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well
are obsessed with money and material things
dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings

If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.

The inner Struggle

Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.

I am reminded of the tale of two wolves right now. Which ever one you feed will grow stronger. So taking this list of defects I''m going to go out todAAy and make a difference in the world. I'm going to arrest the defects and be free of them for TodAAy.

peace

Steve

What I have Learned

2007-05-15T13:57:00.000-04:00

167 days of sobriety. Boy I have learned much about myself and this DZ. I have grown in so many ways. I have allowed God into my life. I have allowed everybody into my soul. I have allowed myself to forgive. It is a fact that i cannot change the past, and that i cannot shut the door on it. Part of me wants to close that door to forget the hurt and pain that I caused, the pain and suffering that my wife went thru. Today I know that I can only claim my part. I can only clean my side of the street. It still doesn't make it any easier. 164 days ago While searching for answers on AA web site I found a list of sober bloggers. I found my saving Angel. The withdraws were great I couldn't imagine 24 hours when I couldn't live thru 24 seconds. I quit on my own. no AA, no treatment center no support. But on Day Three I found Sober Chick. She saved me. Ran to the computer every morning to see what see said. Starting blog stalking, leaving comments, you people are nuts went thru my mind several thousand times. How do you think this is going to pass, you don't know what I'm going thru...etc around the first week Scout posted a comment on SC blog about me starting my own, and how it would help. i kept writing, e-mailing post to SC and keeping them.

On Dec 31, 2006 Sober Steve appeared here before your eyes. You have seen me grow, seen the hurt and raw emotions I go thru daily. You all said get a sponsor, goto meetings, listen and no matter what when I see that sign that says Think, Think, think. Just remember that sign is not for me. My life is unraveling in front of you right now. Served with Divorce papers, kids running away from home over drugs. Losing my job. Recently getting foreclosure paperwork on the house. But I didn't run away this time. I cried and thought, thought of the positive. Looked hard to find a bright side. I did see some light, I saw a path, a sober path, a unknown path, but I am not scared to walk down this path. Since I know that I have all of you here to guide me. Hold me up. To love me when I can not love myself. To find the good in every bad thing that happens.

I did find hope in AA. I found love around the tables. I found myself in my heart. I found that no matter what happens, nothing is worth picking up that first drink over. Soon God willing I will have 6 months of sobriety. We will stand back and say do you remember when that Scared Steve didn't trust us, didn't think he was worth saving, look at him now. I do feel better about things when I think them thru. I feel human now. i feel like I am special and worth saving. I feel loved, and most of all I am here for the newcomer.

peace
Steve

Very Lonely

2007-05-11T08:40:00.000-04:00

Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......

My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.

Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....

Have a great weekend...
Peace
Steve

PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...