Stitching Mum

A first

2009-10-22T07:51:00.003+10:30

I'm planning to post about 'firsts' and 'new things' in my life, but for now, may I present my first ever sponge cake, made from the incredibly easy Never-Fail Sponge Cake Recipe. Unfortunately, I don't have any 'after' pictures, as the results were consumed all too quickly :-).

I got 2 cakes out of the recipe, one which I cut in half and filled with jam and cream, and both were topped with cream and crumbled Violet Crumble. Very, very YUM, and I was so surprised and pleased with my first attempt results. I cannot believe how easy this recipe is - whilst the eggs and sugar where beating in the Kenwood, I went back out to the garden and kept hacking back the invading ivy from the neighbour - it was quite literally set and forget for 15 minutes!! Fold through some dry ingredients, whack it in the oven for 15-ish minutes, and Bob's your uncle!!

I will be making some more today or tomorrow, just so I can take pictures of them all prettied up.

Next up, another great Aussie icon - scones!!

Steps toward the simple life

2009-10-13T09:52:00.006+10:30

I've been waiting for this time, this next couple of weeks, I'm on holidays from work. No plans to go anywhere, but lots of plans to just settle, to establish some familiarity, to potter around our home and do more to make it ours.

I've been craving simplicity for a while now, to shed the excess and to just focus on providing what we need, not what we want. Not an easy task with 3 kids in this day and age, let alone my own desire for 'stuff'. Having said that, that desire for stuff is is very diminished now, compared to what it was once upon a time, but I still find myself wanting 'things' at times, fortunately I've trained my thinking well enough to remind myself that stuff doesn't make me happy, or my life any better!!

Since we moved in here 3 months ago, I've been wanting to establish a veggie garden, and on the weekend we finally got started on it! I've been waiting for the warmer months so that I can track the sunlight around the backyard, to work out the best places to plant, and I'd all but given up on seeing sunshine again when God provided us with a glorious couple of days. It has been a long, cold (even though the history shows it's been a warmer than usual winter), grey winter, and I am craving the sun.

Some friends came and gave us a hand, given that I can't dig without repercussions, but weed I can, and it was *such* a satisfying task. We are blessed with beautiful soil in this part of the world, and I am praying that it will be the basis of a productive, yummy garden. I'll let the pictures tell the story (apologies for their poor quality, my camera needs a service):

Before:

Very overgrown, weed-covered garden beds

Yes, we have a pond in the middle of the backyard. And a tree. Hmmm.....

And after:

Lovely beds ready for planting

There are two fruit trees along the fence, one is definitely a stone fruit, the other I have no idea!! The bushy tree in the pic below (in front of the shed) is a lemon tree - a dwarf one, I'm supposing, given it's size

Start of a compost pile, and a bin to speed things up a bit (plus DS' efforts at pulling up the dead bamboo plant!)

The family that plays together....

Kids + dirt = happiness

Getting into the garden spurred me into action. Over the last few days and today I have:

- bough seedlings and seeds for the garden (and of course now the weather isn't warm enough for planting!! Hopefully the seedlings will survive the next few days until I can get them in the ground.

'weather isn't warm enough' translates to the above - from glorious blue skies and sunshine as per previous pics, to this in the space of a few hours. Normal, yes. Productive, not so much.

- made a poolish (bread starter) and baked it up the next day

(spread with homemade fig jam to boot!)

- started a ginger beer plant
- started a sourdough starter

- made up 2 lots of yoghurt
- made pizza dough for tonight's homemade pizzas

- made dough to prove overnight for tomorrow's bread
- sorted the leftovers in the fridge to make up into to-go-in-the-freezer meals tomorrow
- put the remnants of bbq chickens and veggies into the crockpot to make stock
- put some yoghurt in a colander, weighted by a plate (in the fridge) to try and make soft cheese
- been devouring my gardening magazines and books for advice - I'm particularly loving Jackie French's 'The Earth Gardener's Companion'. I love her very practical advice, her 'you can do it' encouragement, and am being really inspired by her writings.
- have needles and cotton yarn ready to start my first dishcloth (I'm a bit late to the party - perhaps I should finish the 57 million other projects currently on needles in various states of progress first ?!?!?)
- cleaned up and organised my crafting space so that I don't have any excuses not to be creating....and realised what a gorgeous outlook I have from my corner

I have a big 'to-do' list for my house, and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm here for a long time, and because I've bought a house that's in great condition, with no 'big' jobs that need to be done soon, I can take my time and be thorough. I love that I can think about banging hooks in the walls for pictures. That I can fix a bookshelf to the wall wherever I want. That if the lino gets scratched or the door ends up with a hole in it (don't ask...), it's ok, because it's my responsibility. Makes the extra expense of being a homeowner totally worth it :-)

I'm realising in this process that I haven't simplified and pared back my life as much as I thought I had. I certainly have in comparison to years past, but I still have so much *stuff* cluttering up my life, I really need to prsort, prioritise and purge again. I've seen a few bloggers post about no-spend periods of time - from a week to a year - with variations on the theme, and it's something I'm tempted to do. I know the only thig stopping me is my desire to accumulate, my unconscious need to put my security in that which I can see, touch and hear. I was out in the garden on Sunday afternoon, happily munching away on lunch and reading the paper, and lamenting the advertising and push in our world to get people to think the *need* more, bigger, better stuff to make their life better, when I hear a bird singing and a scripture verse popped into my head -

"25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

26"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 28And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31"So do not worry, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
(Matt 6:25-34)

I was reminded, yet again, that God already has it all sorted, that if I stop and take the time to appreciate and enjoy what He has already blessed me with, rather than worrying about what I don't have and what I think will make my life better/easier/more enjoyable, I *will* appreciate and enjoy the blessings showered in my life already, and not be so distracted by what the world wants me to be. I'm certainly not saying that's an 'easy' mindset, but one I need to be more aware of.

Speaking of being out in the garden (geeI love saying that :-) ), I took the camera with me to capture the beauty under my nose:

Buds and blossoms on the as-yet-unidentified fruit tree (please feel free to help me out if you have any idea!)

Bluebell? My garden has surprised me over the last couple of months, with bits and pieces popping up here and there. Including the 1 gerbera flower and 3 tulips in the front garden.....

I kid you not, taking these pics was *seriously* akin to sky-diving for me - I'm allergic to bees, as in I have an anaphylactic reaction to bee stings. But I love them, they are just *so* fascinating.

That will be the end of the run of productivity for a few days, I'm having some issues with my feet, and have been told to rest them. Perfect excuse to cosy up with my knitting and reading for a couple of days methinks, especially in this weather!!!

Come and visit a while...

2009-08-26T22:08:00.001+09:30

...over here

365 days

2009-03-23T21:50:00.002+10:30

A year. 365 days. How can a year pass by so quickly, yet at times drag in interminably?
It's been a year since Steve died, since I had a shocking dose of 'this can happen to someone I know', since the realization of just how mortal we are on this earth smacked me between the eyes. And so much has happened since, Steve dying was the beginning of the storm, and I am a different person then to who I am now. A bit more grown up, a bit wiser, certainly more bruised and battered, but undeniably stronger. And I can say the same of those I love around me. In Steve's passing, in mourning our loss, I have seen such grace and strength and beauty, all God's provision for us, for what we've needed to be for each other through this experience. I have seen the hand of God over everything, even in the grief and sorrow. I'm none the wiser about the 'why's' of life, I just know what is, is, and that's all I can deal with at any given point in time.
I know Steve is home with our Father, basking in His glory and rejoicing in His presence. But I still miss you my friend, and am holding your darling Kristy in my prayers today and always.

On a ligher note....

2009-02-15T22:12:00.002+10:30

I can't actually remember the last time I posted about knitting, but I made the Knitting Blog Class of 2005!!!! And I am in some VERY esteemed company, indeed!!! It's funny, I've just really picked up my sticks and strings again in the last week, and am loving the familiarity of it. I'm currently working on the home stretch of Arianne, and am knitting a replacement Trekking sock, due to one being lost nearly 2 years ago. In my head these are my Steve socks, because Steve was the friend who told me I wouldn't have them done by the end of winter, lol. I've been a lot better at turning off the computer and picking up my knitting at night of late, which means more gets done (funnily enough!!) - I've even knit on the sock during a couple of movies, I think this could become a regular habit!!
I've got knitting plans this year, there might even be some photos to come.

We are Australia

2009-02-14T11:32:00.005+10:30

I don't have any words to express how I'm feeling about what we as a nation have witnessed this week in Victoria. I've run the gamut from utter shock and despair, crying over what I'm seeing on my tv and in the papers each day, to feeling so full of pride for the way our country pulls together and rallies in times like this, that 'battler' spirit so beautifully shining through, and again, crying over the beauty I've seen rise from the ashes.

I'm a do-er, especially in times of trouble, and whilst I can very easily give money, I feel compelled to be *doing* something for those affected by the fires - and from experience I can tell you that the effects of disasters such as this are far-reaching beyond what we realise. I can send clothes and toys, but the lovely Sarah has organised a project with the aim of helping to restore some physical memories for the families affected in the way of collecting 12"x12" scrapbook pages and creating albums, in a bid to replace a tiny part of what people have lost. The equally lovely Tatia at Paperstash is collecting pages for South Australia, so please, if you have some time, make a page and send it to your local collection point.

I know paper and 'stuff' can't fix anything, I know it's not going to make anything better for the families who have lost so much, but I pray it will give them hope in re-building, in knowing that they're not in it alone, that whilst we're far away and not directly affected by the fires, we as a nation stand with them in their shock and mourning, because as cliched as it sounds, just like the song says 'we are one, but we are many'.

I would also urge those who can to donate blood where and when they can, not just now but ongoing. Whilst Victoria's banks are at an adequate supply level at the moment, treatment for burns victims is an ongoing process, and more blood will be needed in time to come. Of course, the bushfire casualites aren't the only people needing blood, I firmly believe this is something we should all support on an ongoing basis. I know from my work first-hand just how life-saving donor blood really is.

And I can't post this without praying for the flood affected areas of Queensland, it boggles my mind to see our country so severely affected by polar opposites of extreme natural disasters, and
I pray we as a nation can help with their rebuilding.

It's times like these when I am especially proud to say We are Australian.

The rest of 2008

2009-01-10T23:41:00.004+10:30

Crafting efforts in 2008, that is. It wasn't a productive year (slight understatement!!), but that's ok, it happens. I think I've already completed half as many projects in the first 10 days of 2009 that I did in all of 2008 (more on that later)!!!

Bazzil cardstock
7 Gypsies sticker
Grant stamp

Bazzil cardstock
Bella arrow + bracket rub-ons (rubbed onto chipboard, then cut out)
Making Memories phrase rub on
American Crafts alpha stickers

LO for Scrap of Faith November challenge

Background PP made by me
Felt flowers and felt alpha die-cut with Cuttlebug
Unknown mulberry paper

Kraft cardstock
Various pharmaceutical boxes :-)
Heidi Swapp chipboard alpha

(Horrible scan reserving a place in this post until I can photograph the LO in daylight!!)

This was a challenge pack that came in my goody bag at the Scrap of Faith retreat last year, the challenge was to use only what was in the pack, except for additional cardstock if need be. I had to use a non-pack alpha, the one in my pack just wouldn't work!!

Unknown PP
Bazzil cardstock
Unknown embellishments and 'C' alpha
Thickers velvet alpha

There you have it!

Goals in 2009

2009-01-08T20:23:00.003+10:30

I am somewhat lazy. I have plenty of free time in my life, and I don't use it as productively or wisely as I could/should. I spend far too much time sitting on this thinking, looking at other people's lives and wishing I could do what they do. The thing is, I can do what they do, and I used to do it. Once upon a time you would never have found me sitting without doing something with my hands, and I used to spend far too much time in my craft room. So, I thought if I actually put some goals in writing, I might feel some accountability, lol. So, in 2009, I plan to:

- finish the cardigan I started 2 years ago (for me)
- knit socks for: my mum, each of my kids, my sister, me
- knit beanies for each of the kids and my best friend
- complete at least 2 LO's a month
- start and continue the art journal and 52 Pick Up challenges
- complete the Princess' mini book for her birthday last year
- " " " castle mini book kit
- experiment more with painting and drawing in general

I think that should keep me going for a while!!!

Kicking off the year with some actual craft content!!

2009-01-01T11:06:00.004+10:30

I've started my other blog (no password required yet) off with a post about the new year (bit better perspective than yesterday's post (below)!!), thought I'd share some LO's from 2008 over the next couple of days (when I get them all scanned and uploaded!!).

Digi LO
Will Ro & Co 'Melody Line' Kit

Mini canvas I created after being inspired by the Blue Bazaar Mixed Media thread

LO for Scrap of Faith challenge (November sketch)
The journalling reads
'And I want you to know/ that I see the light surrounding you'
Let your light shine Mum
(Evermore 'Light Surrounding You' lyrics)

Happily sending 2008 on it's way

2008-12-31T15:10:00.003+10:30

I'm the first to admit that I've been a bit of a Grinch of late. I had zero Christmas spirit this year, and would have happily avoided all activities pertaining to what this time of year has become if I had my way. And as I've posted before, feeling like this leaves me feeling very guily, because I really do live a wonderful life, and in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. I have good health, beautiful children, people to love and who love me, a great job, a roof over our heads and food on our plates and so much more in abundance. The fact I can turn a tap on and have water come out of it should be enough reason to celebrate each and every day. So I particularly don't like it when the path I'm treading in this crazy life takes me through these times, it becomes all to easy to focus on myself and what I don't have. Which is really very little.
The only reason I thought to post today is because it's the last day of 2008, and for the last few years I've posted about the end of the eyar/the coming new year, and reflected on what was and what I was anticipating to come. This year is somewhat different. It hasn't been a bad year, as such, but it certainly has been a particularly challenging one with some rough patches. I don't actually feel a whole lot at the moment, about anything. If there is one thing I have had drummed inot me this year, it's that we really have no idea what is around the corner, what is ahead of us, and we take so much for granted that when 'thing's happen that weren't on our agenda, we're truly surprised that it could happen to us. It's been such a year of highs and lows, of extreme contrasts, of things I didn't think would happen in my life. Why I ever thought like that seems so foreign to me now, I know now that the unexpected does happen, and we can't live in safe, climate controlled little bubbles where things happen as we intend.
I started the year with a real sense of anticipation, I was really looking forward to what 2008 was going to bring - new job, new experiences, and I had a real desire to live more fully for God and in God. 2008 didn't exactly pan out like that. Oh, there were flashes here and there, and I crave the feeling those times brought again. I started work, and it seemed like so many things I'd worked so hard for were falling into place. Then Steve died, and so much of what I had taken for granted in this life was shattered, the way I saw living, and what is 'supposed' to be was changed forever. Steve dying truly showed me that we can't assume we have the rest of today, let alone tomorrow, and this is how we should live - right now, in this moment, not for what may be. His death also taught me a lesson in 'what if', how that sentiment doesn't really matter, because we can never change the past, we have to deal with 'what is', not the 'what if'. That is a constant work in progress for me, not one I have any definite answers to. But losing Steve also showed me what God's love is for us all, how He uses each and every one of His children for His purpose, even when we can't make sense of His direction. There have been so many blessings come out of this tragedy, I've seen things in people I may never have if it all hadn't happened, and I can't help but be grateful for that.
I graduated with my degree only a few weeks after Steve died, and it was certainly one of the highs of the year. It was the cumulation of several years of hard work, and the best part was having my family see me collect my parchment, to be able to be up on that stage because of what they had done for me along the way. It wasn't long after this that I got hurt at work, which was the start of a whole new journey.
That was certainly one of the 'it won't happen to me' things I used to think. I was aware of protecting my back at work, I practised safe manual handling, I exercised to stay fit - at uni it was drummed inot us 'look after your back'. What they forget to tell you is that true accidents do happen, sick patients fall and grab you and there's nothing you or anyone could have done to foresee or prevent it. The patient with whom I had the accident passed away a few days ago, and as I was reflecting on the incident, I thought about how much that moment in time has changed my life, in so many ways I could never have anticipated. It's the most life-changing incident I've had to deal with since my marriage ended, and at times I just wanted to give into the pain and curl up in the foeta position and shut out the world. Fortunately, the nature of my life means I didn't get to do that, especially as a single parent. The world around me doesn't change, it keeps ticking on, keeps expecting and demanding, and I just have to keep doing. The effect my injury had on my work wasn't brilliant, and it has taken a lot to get to where I am now - thankfully, I'm blessed with a very supportive employer and workplace, and my rehab and return-to-work is now ticking along as it should. It's taken months, and many tears (on my pat!!), but I'm getting there. I can't help but look at the other grads (graduate nurses) and wish I was in their position, where they now all have jobs at the hospital, but I keep reminding myself that that's their path, not mine, I'm on a different journey, and for whatever reason, mine is less directed, less certain. My job finishes in April, and I have no idea of my employment prospects after that. I do know I'll be doing some further study, but as I've learned, my plans aren't always how my life turns out!!!
I hate to admit it, but I have struggled with seeing the good in everything this year. I'm normally a glass-half-full sort of person, I don't get easily anxious or stressed and can generally deal with whatever comes my way, in the long run. This year has thrown things at me that I've felt like I wouldn't be able to deal with, I've been stressed a lot more easily than I'm familiar with, and for the first time I've wondered 'why me?' about various things. I keep bringing myself back to reality, but my heart doesn't seem to want to follow my head. I feel like what I desire and what I keep working towards because it's what's in my heart is going to be always elusive, that my dreams perhaps aren't going to come to fruition. It seems that this past year I've really been slapped in the face with a big dose of reality, been beaten around by the dreams that are now not to be, and I'm learning to live with uncertainty. These aren't necessarily 'bad' things - it just takes a lot of energy to deal with, to keep reminding myself that as cliched as it sounds, when doors close, noew doors and new paths open, and they're often not what you expect.
The end of the year sees me the heaviest I've ever been (though interestingly not the biggest clothing size!!!), very unfit, tired and worn out, and I feel like I don't 'fit'. Fit exactly where, I'm not sure, I just feel restless, un-authentic (if that makes sense), like I'm not living my life as I should be. And again, that's not a bad thing, it's making me really think about my priorities, what I'm really doing each and every day, and I'm realising I waste a lot of time on things that aren't worthwhile, things that aren't productive. And that needs to change. It's like with the advent of 2009, I feel the winds of change blowing, like I'm at a crossroads, and any other cliche you can throw in there, and only I can make the decision about which way to go.
I can't say that I live life in absolute uncertainty, because I know without even thinking about it that I have the certainty of life lived with God, with His love and His direction. Sometimes that's all that gets me through the day, and even though I've felt distant from Him (not Him from me) for musch of the year, I know He is there, He will never leave me or fail me, and all I have to do is rest in Him. He has plans for me, a future and a hope and that is the promise I live by.
So, with that in mind, I welcome in 2009, whatever it may bring. There will be ups and downs, challenges and joys, and I can only take each day as it comes. It will be a year of new experiences and lessons, and I will be all the better for it :-)

Back from hiatus

2008-09-23T12:50:00.003+09:30

Just popping in, I'm still here, still dealing with my back, life is much the same as a few months ago when I last posted. I've decided to create a new blog, a more 'personal' space for me to offload, and for this blog to be more about the tactile/textile areas of my life, with a few random musings thrown in every now and again! My new blog will be password protected, it's not just yet, so pop on over and leave me a comment, or drop me an e-mail for the password, I'd still love for you to drop in!!

White noise

2008-06-29T22:33:00.002+09:30

Just an FYI, I'm going off the air for an indefinite period of time, I need to 'disconnect' for a while. I'm making a conscious decision to get away from some distractions for a bit, the internet happens to be one of them. I'll be back sometime in the future!

No More Namby-Pamby

2008-06-17T11:03:00.003+09:30

You might want to grab a cuppa for this one. And be prepared to just go with me, I'm not exactly sure where this post is going to go yet......

I've had this post in my head for a while - I just haven't been able to catch all the words and form them into coherent thoughts, and I'm not sure even now I'm going to be able to express what is going on within, because in all honestly, I don't think I have the full picture yet. I just know I have to get this all down, and that I'm being told to get it 'out there'.

How does a fire start? Usually, with a spark - whether the spark comes from embers that have been smouldering for a while, or from a forceful, intentional ignition depends on each individual situation. I have had a fire lit within me, and I'm not entirely sure where the spark came from. To some degree, I feel like both forms of ignition have take place - the smouldering ember, and the forceful, flint-on-flint striking. I think the fuel has always been there, but it's just been 'there', sitting, waiting for the catalyst to set it alight.

Let me tell you a story. As anyone who reads this blog with even semi-regularity would know, I recently finished uni and started working as a registered nurse at my local hospital. I posted a couple of times earlier this year about feeling God stirring something in me, about not knowing what it was about, but that it had to do with my life in Him. I've just re-read these posts (and then some), and almost feel they were somewhat prophetic, in light of what has come to pass since I wrote those words! I read a quote on the weekend that has stuck in my head - 'If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans'. Oh, how true those words are ringing in my ears at the moment.

I started work at the beginning of March, and started shift-work on the ward at the beginning of April. I'm the first to admit the transition to work as a whole was a real struggle, and I was constantly questioning my abilities, trying to find some confidence and to trust in God to lead me through everything - all very normal feelings during a change in life, I know. After 6 weeks on the ward, and still feeling like I was treading water, I had a shift where for the first time, I actually felt like a *real* nurse. This was the day after this post, and I had also previously posted about the emotional and heart matters I was going through, letting God deal with, and at this time I had thought 'I have *so* much going on in my life at the moment, I don't know if I could deal with anything else'. The day after I wrote about feeling so free in God, feeling like I was flying, I got hurt at work, and injured my back. Initially I just thought it was muscle strain and that a few days of rest would fix it all up. That was 5 weeks ago, and I haven't worked during that time. It was a bit more than muscle strain. The thing we're all warned about and prepared for as students happened to me, through absolutely no-one's fault, just 'one of those things' - I hurt my back. 6 weeks into my new job, one that I feel God has called me to, one I feel that God has me where He wants me to be, one I was *just* starting to find my feet in, and I was landed on my bum, very incapacitated for a period of time. And I had absolutely no idea what to do.

I cannot even begin to articulate the lessons I've learned through this experience. The physical, emotional and spiritual impact of everything going on in my life at a certain point in time has changed how I see life, how I see my life and my life in Christ. I was already dealing with a pretty big life issue when I got hurt, and all of a sudden I had to deal with this as well, because the heart matters didn't all of a sudden go away or resolve just because I had a physical injury. All of a sudden I was broken inside and out, and I had no idea what to do or where to go. I had to learn that I simply *couldn't* do things physically because I wasn't mechanically capable of it, and for the first time in my life, I had to surrender to saying 'no, I'm not ok', and not to 'put on a brave face', because I knew I wasn't going to be able to get through this on my own, in any sense. I *had* to accept the help people offered me and more than that, I had to actually *ask* for help, and that has been such a humbling experience. I was brought to my knees in the knowledge that the only refuge I had was in God, in His protection of me and provision for me. I continue to be brought to my knees everyday, and at the moment I continue to be humbled over and over again when I think I can do something just because I want to, and I'm reminded that actually, I can't.

When I realised that I was going to be off work for an indefinite period of time, and that this process was going to be literally a day-by-day one, I prayed that this time would be used wisely, that I wouldn't waste the opportunity I was suddenly presented with to spend more time with God, to learn more about Him and His word, and perhaps even learn more about His purpose for me. Today, I am still in somewhat of a state of disbelief at what has happened during this time, and what I am feeling now.

In praying to know God more, I was broken. My heart was broken, my spirit was broken, my bones were almost literally crushed. Whilst I wouldn't say I sunk to the depths of despair, I came very close, because I just struggled *so* much with the unknown, with my life becoming unpredictable, with being totally thrown out of my comfort zone, so much so that I have no idea what a comfort zone is any more. I generally see myself as someone who is pretty 'go with the flow', easygoing, takes everything in their stride, and I am - I just didn't realise how much I actually like predictability and generally being able to predict the outcome of my actions, and relying on that. I have had predictability and 'foresight' taken from me, and in the process had my eyes opened to just how much I can only rely on God for His guidance of me and my life. Head knowledge became heart knowledge, it was like God reached into me and grabbed my heart and said 'I want all of you, I don't want just the parts you *want* to give to me, I don't want you to keep hiding from Me, protecting your heart from Me. That's not enough for Me, I want it all, and I'm not going to let you stay comfortably numb, because that is not My best for you'. And it hurt. A lot. Physically. This was before I hurt my back, a pain I couldn't escape, and reflecting now I know it was my heart being broken, being cracked open, actually feeling for the first time in a long while, and it hurt. And I had no control over it.

Through this time, I have had a lot of scripture 'given' to me, through many sources, from various forms of media to a page turning and revealing His Word. Whilst looking for a particular Psalm through this refining period, I happened upon a new-to-me verse that gave me such clarity about the heart process that was going on within me ; Psalm 33:13-14 '..from His dwelling place He watches all who live on earth - He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do'. I then went back to read v 11 'But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations'. He created my heart before He created the earth, and He has always known what would happen to it. He knew this would happen now, when it has, and has prepared the way for me to go through this journey. Again, I was brought to one of my 'life' scriptures, Jeremiah 29:11-14 'For I alone know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' The part that continues to smack me between the eyes is 'Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.' I posted not so long ago about the longing for more, the anticipation of something and not knowing what, and I think I'm being shown now what that was, what I was being prepared for. Then again I could be completely wrong. Meditating on the words in Jeremiah kept reminding me how I have to keep seeking God, keep yearning to find Him, as The Message puts it ' when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you wont be disappointed...I'll turn things around for you'.

I am learning what it is to *want* God, not to just know Him and His promises intellectually. I am learning what it is to physically long for Him and His presence, for that desire to occupy my thoughts, direct my attentions, lead me in my learning. I want to be brought back from the captivity that is 'living in the world', to be serious about finding Him and wanting Him more than anything else. During this time I was also led to Psalm 51, another new-to-me scripture, and as I read through the passage I was nearly knocked off my feet with the verse 'Let me hear joy and gladness, let the bones you have crushed rejoice.' I was having a particularly bad day with pain when I read this, and for a second I couldn't breathe, I just sat in wonder at the process God takes us through when He wants us to find something of Him, in Him. Because the passage then goes on in vs 10-12

'Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. '

I just wanted to sit with these words, to drink them in and let them soak in, because they just felt like the 'medicine' I needed, which even in writing this seems almost strange - they're words that are a prayer of renewal, a plea of sustenance and provision, a desire of 'I want you to do this in me Lord so that I can live for you', not a prayer of 'give this to me to fix me', which is what medicine is. It is when I continued to read these divine words that I knew God was at work for me, in me right then and there because I read v 17 'The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise'. I was at a point of 'what on earth is going on?' that day, I was having trouble focusing outside of the pain, and trying to keep everything else in sight, just getting through the day. I read these words, and they were like a balm to my spirit, it was like having God's hands cradle my heart and say to me 'this is for you, this is what you need right now, rest in Me and My Word'. He was telling me that He had allowed this brokenness in me for His purposes, because He needed me to be broken so that He could make me new again, and these words were further reinforced with The Message translation

'Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice'

Heart-shattered. I cannot find better words.

This is where the 'no more namby-pamby' comes in. This is where the fire starts. I had a realisation, like a sudden jolt of clarity - I don't want to do 'fluffy' in life anymore. And through this journey of late, I've realised how much 'fluffy' in my life I have let consume me, distract me, divert my focus away from God. yes, many of these issues are very real and have to be dealt with, and I don't mean to deny them or minimise them in any way at all, but I am learning that ultimately, they're not what's important. My salvation is what's important. Living the gift of this life that God has given me is what's important. Shining God's light to the world through my living is what's important. Life is not a half-baked adventure we are to muddle our way through. We are not here to live to fulfill our own purposes and desires, but to live the life God has for us, we need to discover what His purpose and His desires for us are. And that takes purpose and desire. I can only speak for myself, but I have realised that I have to live my life on purpose for His purpose. I have to live out loud, to shine my Light before all men so that they may see His good works, not mine. I have no idea what God is going to bring me in life, and as I've experienced more than once this year, the journey we're travelling in life can change in a split second, and take us down a path we could not possibly have foreseen. We get lost, we lose our way, we start wandering down the broad road and stray from the narrow one, and so often, we don't even realise it. Of course, we are impacted by everything going on around us, and I think for me, I'm learning that's where focus is so important. Not being one-eyed and narrow-minded, but focused, to 'run in such a way as to get the prize' (1 Cor 9:25), 'forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.....(to) press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus' (Phill 3:13-14).

I don't know if I'm actually doing my thoughts any justice in this post. I have so much in me, so much God has placed in me to process, to live, to love with, and that is such a new experience in itself, it is overwhelming. I am learning that I am Loved, not just knowing, but feeling. And that has come from pain, and fear, and hurt, and having my nice, comfortable little life turned upside down and inside out. And we're not even halfway through the year!! God has lit a fire within me, and as cliched as it sounds, I don't want to let it go out. I want to keep it fuelled, for it to be what drives me in this life, to sustain me, to shine through me, all for Him and His glory. I want to keep allowing Him to make new my shattered heart, to allow His perfect love to drive out my fear, because there is no fear in His perfect love. I want to be consumed from the inside out, for the cry of my heart to be to bring Him praise. I'm going to take a deep breath and say I want Him to continue to ruin me if that's what it takes, because I know that 'God is within her, she will not fall' (Psalm 46:5). I have that glorious promise from Him, and I will continue to 'open up before God, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done' (Psalm 37:5 The Message)

Re-direction

2008-06-10T00:44:00.003+09:30

My first digi LO

Inspired by this version of the Hillsong song 'From The Inside Out'. This particular version has connected with my heart, so speaks of my life right now. I don't have adequate words to describe how God has used this music to touch me.

New music

2008-06-05T17:00:00.002+09:30

I love finding new music, new sounds new artists. I've just discovered Mat Kearney, whom you should be hearing right about now, and am particularly loving 'Breathe In, Breathe Out' (which you should be hearing right about now!). Even better, he's a Christian muso, and his lyrics really speak of faith in Christ.

Breathe in, breathe out, push, pull, fall down - all reminiscent of recent, repeated conversations with a dear friend. And I see the light in her eyes, even if she doesn't. Nothing can put it out.

Thank you, Lord, for the gifts you give us of Your Word-inspired songs.

Out of the boat and walking on water

2008-05-21T09:36:00.003+09:30

'For we live by FAITH and not by sight....'
(2 Corinthians 5:7)

Between Sunday and Monday just gone, in the space of less than 24 hours I had several conversations with reference to and heard a preaching about getting out of the boat, trusting God, and walking in faith, without knowing the outcome. This really sums up what the last few weeks of life have been like, particularly the last week or so. I generally don't do things I don't have *some* idea about the outcome of. I feel like I've been almost 'stripped' of that practice this last week or so, I've been pushed to do things that are *far* out of my comfort zone, ended up in a situation I have somewhat no control over that will just take time and physical healing, all the while not being able to predict what will happen. I don't like it, it's not comfortable, and I don't feel safe.
But I know life in Christ isn't about feeling comfortable and safe, it is about living by what I *know*, not by what I can see. And as always, He is faithful, and true, and His timing is perfect. He is carrying me through this, keeping me from sinking in the water because I can trust Him *absolutely*. I need to keep my eyes fixed on that, to not let my faith waver no matter how much effort that takes.
God speaks to me with His light - visually, in scripture, in my heart. With His Light, there is no darkness, and if it tries to creep in, it cannot consume the blinding glory that is God's love for us all. I need to live with faith in that, that His light will never fade, and will guide me for all the days of my life.

'You are my lamp, O Lord:
the Lord turns my darkness into light'
(2 Samuel 22:29)

'The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?'
(Psalm 27:1)

'Let the light of your face shine upon us, O God'
(Psalm 4:6)

'Your word is a lamp unto my feet
and a light unto my path'
(Psalm 119:105)

'The unfolding of your words gives light: it gives understanding to the simple'
(Psam 119:130)

'I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth....never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.'
(Genesis 9:14-16)

'You are the light of the world'
(Matthew 5:14)

'Let your light shine before all men, that they may see your good deeds
and praise your Father in heaven'
(Matthew 5:16)

'....but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light
(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord'
(Ephesians 5:8)

'For God, who said "Let light shine out of darkness", made His Light shine in our hearts
to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory in the face of Christ.'
(2 Corinthians 4:6)

'God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all'
(1 John 1:5)

'I am the Light of the world.
Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life'
(John 8:12)

Go in His Light.

I can see clearly now

2008-05-13T20:03:00.004+09:30

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.

It really is going to be a bright, bright sun-shiny day.

I still have no idea where God is leading me, where I'm going, where my already-determined path will lead me. I still have the yearning, the longing for more. In fact, not a lot has really changed since my last post, in the day-to-day of my life.

Except.

Except I realised that God has a gift for me. It was like I realised I have this box in front of me, this wrapped box, a gift from Him. And I was afraid to unwrap it. I was afraid if I did, if I opened it to see what's inside, I would be afraid of what was there, of what it might require of me, that it might actually hurt. Then a very dear friend asked me why I was afraid, because God's gifts to us are only for our good. This made me question how much do I trust God, how much do I really trust Him, to keep me safe and protected, even when it does involve pain. I mean, I know I trust God with my life, no question about that, but I wondered if that was an almost intellectual thing, despite my experiences with trusting Him in the past. I then realised (this was a period of revelation, lol!) that when I had trusted Him, it had never actually involved my heart in any fashion, conscious or otherwise, I'd not been a position to have to before.

So.

With all this whirling around in my head, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and tore the corner of the box. And then just left the remaining unwrapping in God's hands, handed it all over to Him, surrendered my heart to Him and His plan, I took a step off the edge and trusted He would catch me, or I would fly.

Now, I'm flying.

Like I said, nothing has actually changed. Nothing is better or worse. Nothing is different. My life is the same as it was when I sat here 2 weeks ago and wrote the previous post. Except it is. Different. I've learned, again, that God will never fail me in anything. He loves me, He knows my heart, He wants my heart to be for Him, and if I just trust Him with that, if I just close my eyes and unwrap His gifts even without knowing the outcome, He will keep me, protect me, love me. If I continue to trust in Him, live for Him and His glory, through any circumstance, I will be fulfilling His purpose for me, doing what He wants me to be doing for His glory. That is why these times of my life are 'worth it' - not for my benefit, for my gain, but for His, for Him and His kingdom. His strength is made perfect in my weakness and His grace is sufficient for me - He may never take from me what I perceive to be the thorns in my flesh, I may end up with more 'thorns', but ultimately, that doesn't matter, for His word is full of promise:

'Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
(2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

At the moment, I feel such peace, such grace, such covering and protection from God, I can feel His wind under me, making me fly, and apart from the fact that I know He loves me and only wants His best for me, I really don't know why. I have such conviction in His plan for me, His plan to further His glory and His kingdom. I will continue to look for Him, to really seek Him, to trust His promise to me

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity...
(Jeremiah 29:11-14)

His promises, His plans are far beyond my comprehension, the unknown of my life is far beyond my grasp. But today, that doesn't matter. I'm learning that each day is a gift from Him, a present to be unwrapped, that the true gift is the lesson of His love inside the box, whatever form it takes. Today, I sing, and I fly and I love.

"Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice"

("Majesty (Here I Am)" Delirious?)

Testing

2008-04-29T19:57:00.004+09:30

'…and the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.'
(1 Peter 5:10-11)

I've been pondering whether to post the last couple of days or not. I then just read this piece of scripture on another blog, and it summed up (to some degree) what the last little while has been like for me.

I can't say I've been suffering of late, because I live a very blessed life filled with everything I could possibly need and more, provided by an awesome God who loves me. But for some time now I have had this inexplicable, unshakeable ache in my heart, this yearning for I'm not entirely sure what. It has been quite a physical experience - a very real hurting heart, a weight in my chest, an intermittent flow of tears that is so out of character for me, I'm not sure how to deal with it most of the time. I feel selfish, because there is so much pain and grieving a dealing with life around me that seems so much 'bigger', so much 'more', that my issues seem trivial. But they are my issues, and much as I want to, I can't click my fingers and make them go away.

I'm used to having a problem and working out the best way to deal with it, putting it behind me and learning from the experience. I can't work this one out. I can't put in place a strategy that will get the result I want. I can't *do* anything. It seems all I can do is breathe, and feel, and pray. My day-to-day life continues as normal, going to work, being mum, trying to keep on top of the craziness that is my reality. But there is this underlying hum, this dull heaviness in my heart, this ache for more, for something, for whatever it is God has planned for me. It isn't something that can be relieved by anything of this world, from this world, I *know* it can only be filled by His grace, His love, His almighty power. I'm almost fearful of what that means, of not trying to 'fix my problems', of being patient in God and completely depending on Him for His guidance. I don't resist this discomfort, nor do I rejoice in it, but I know it has purpose. By nature we avoid pain at all costs, but there are times when it becomes such an entrenched part of our lives, there's no getting away from it. That may be for a short or longer season, only God knows. But that's the thing - He does know. I can't say that brings me physical relief or comfort at the moment, and for that I feel somewhat guilty - for I know 'God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.' (Psalm 46:1), and intellectually I rest in that, take refuge in that, it just takes time to filter down to my heart.

A couple of days ago, I made a decision about an issue in my life that I knew I had to deal with, that I couldn't keep ignoring anymore, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Because it involved my heart, and I generally don't let my heart get involved in anything. Previous experience reminds me it takes too much to heal when it's hurt, so I don't put myself in any position where there is any potential for pain, whether by my actions or others. I was taken by surprise by how much my decision affected me, and realised how much I had let my guard down, and I only have myself to blame, no-one else. Pain is a warning signal that something's not right, a mechanism God Himself created for our own good, and as much as I don't like it, I have to ride out this discomfort, this anomaly of 'normal', and learn from it.

At housechurch last night we talked about prayer, and particularly about being specific in prayer. I don't know what to pray at the moment. I want to pray for what I *want* in my life, but I know that what I want and what God has planned for me aren't always the same thing. Some days all I can manage is 'God, help me', 'God, guide me', 'God, be with me'. At the moment I'm clinging to God, because He is the only foundation I can firmly plant my feet on, the only thing I don't have to question I can rely on, won't be pulled out from under me. So whilst I'm not suffering, I am going through a trial, and at some point it will end, for now, and I will be stronger because of Him, more firm and steadfast in Him, and for that alone, this trial is worth it. I don't proclaim to understand His ways, to 'get' how we are refined by pressure and fire, I just know that we are. This journey will make me stronger for the next one (and I have no doubt there will be more), and for that I am grateful, but at the moment I need to deal with this one, to let the (inadvertently self-inflicted) bruises heal, to pause and reflect, and learn.

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Deuteronomy 33:27

Brightness amidst the chaos

2008-04-21T14:58:00.003+09:30

Last Friday, I graduated from university with a Bachelor of Nursing degree.

A few years ago I was going through some counselling, and the university announced it would be opening a campus in our town. I immediately knew I wanted to undertake the nursing degree, and I was discussing this with my counsellor, but voicing my fears about never finishing things in my like, and as a result feeling like anything I decided to do, I would fail. During the course of our conversation, she asked me if I did decide to do the study, and I finished, where would the graduation be? I told her, and she said to me 'picture yourself waking across that stage to receive your degree, with your family there, and that will get you through the times you want to give up'. Three and a half years later, she was right, that vision worked, and on Friday it came to pass. Just about exactly as I had pictured. Whilst I never seriously considered quitting study, there were times I wondered how I was going to get through it all. This is how I did (in no particular order!):

My mum and I

Babysitter; house cleaner; cook; coffee 'buddy'; encourager. Not enough words to describe who my mum has been for me particularly through these last few years, but just a few that are important! Mum has been there to jump in when I need someone to have the kids, come and cleaned my house when it's gotten too much for me, made tea for us so I don't have to, met me for coffee when I've had enough, and just always told me to keep going (even if she was as stressed as I was!!!).

My dad and I

I initially went to uni straight out of high school, and at the time I was the first of the grandkids on my dad's side to do so. My dad was *so* proud of me, and I remember my Poppi crying on the phone when I told him. I came back home after a year, and whilst my dad never, ever said anything to me, I knew he was disappointed, and hoped I would go back one day. On Friday he got to see me collect my degree, and it was in no small part due to him. Dad has always been such a quiet support in *so* many areas of my life, sometimes seemingly (from the outside) without action or voice, but his encouragement has been never-failing and ever present, and at times when I thought I didn't want to do it any more, that vision of collecting my degree with my dad in the audience was enough to keep me going. I know he is so proud of me in my life regardless, but I know he is particularly proud that I've done this, I've set a goal and achieved it, and am now loving what I'm doing.

My step-dad, me and my mum

My step-dad came into my life when he started going out with my mum when I was 17, never having any children of his own. I left for uni not long after, so it took as a while to get to know each other and get 'used to' each other when I came back. He has always been a friend and supporter, and when the kids started coming along, he jumped into that role feet first! He isn't a parent to me or a grandparent to my kids, he's a 'M***' who loves us and cares for us, and that's more than enough. My decision to go to uni was met with admiration and encouragement, which has always been appreciated, especially when it meant having kids come and live with them for a couple of weeks whilst I was off on placement!

The Little Boy, me, The Big Kid and The Princess

The lights of my life. I remember a particular point in time, about 18 months ago, I was washing the dishes and I just dropped everything, closed my eyes, breathed out and wondered if all the stress was *really* worth it. It was a particularly stressful point in study, I felt like I was neglecting the kids and I was scared that I wasn't doing the right thing. Then I took a deep breath, prayed for God's strength to get through the rest of the day, and just kept going. This journey has been for the kids, for me to be able to provide for them, to show them that with God you can do big things. They love that I'm a nurse, and have lots of questions about my job and what I do. I love sharing with them (what I can) what I've learned, what I do, and what it means to serve other people. I love every day I have with them, even the ones that aren't so much fun, and even though I know I'll never be in the running for Mother of the Year, I know that because I've let God into our lives, I'm doing the best I can for them, to help them grow into the people He has created them to be. These three little people test every fibre of my being, they make me laugh and cry and frustrated and elated and just plain tired. But they are *such* lights in this crazy, incomprehensible world, and I thank God every day that He has blessed me with shepherding them through this journey called life.

Mr C, the gorgeous D, her hubby M, Miss K and diva Miss S

This beautiful family I am so blessed to call my family. As I've posted before, D has always been such an encouragement and support to me, whatever I've chosen to do, but I haven't posted about the friend her husband M is to me as well. I often feel the need to clarify that he isn't just my best friend's husband, but my very dear friend as well. And he talks as much as I do!!! M has always jumped in to help us whenever he can, whether it's with the kids, as someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, or just deal with life 'behind the scenes' so D can help me or if we're doing something together. I love that these guys are our family, I love the kids like my own, and I was blessed to see 2 of them come into the world. These guys are our refuge at times, they love us, encourage us, let us just hang out and sometimes feed us, lol!! Our live wouldn't be the same without them in it, and I thank God every day that He brought D into my life 10 years ago. We've been through the rollercoaster of life in our friendship, but the foundations have never been shaken, and I am so grateful it is something I can plant my feet on and feel safe in.

My little sis K and I

This gorgeous girl and I are about as chalk and cheese as two people can possibly be. She manages a pub; I'm a nurse. I'm divorced with 3 kids; she doesn't want to get married or have kids. I'm 5'7", 85kg and have more than one letter in my cup size; she's 5'10", nearly half my dress size and can go without any, ahem, 'support'. Think of any other possible comparison and we're probably at opposite ends of the spectrum. But we do have something in common - we love our family, and crazy as it is, we love my kids and we love each other dearly. Growing up saw more conflict than peace as siblings, but now as adults we've settled into a relationship that is somehow easier, even if we don't get to see each other that often. We don't agree on a lot of things, we both see life very differently, but we both wouldn't be who we are now without each other. A different as we are, there are times I feel sad The Princess doesn't have a sister and won't get to experience the relationship I have with K. And now she's leaving to *finally* go across the other side of the world for a whole new life experience. Even though she won't be here, I won't 'miss' her, because I have wanted this for her for such a long time, and am so grateful that's she's taking the plunge of leaving her comfort zone and embarking on a whole new challenge. I will miss coffee at the pub though!!

There are so many other people who have had an effect and an impact on this journey of mine, it would be impossible to talk about them all. But above everyone is my wonderful Father God, without whom I would not be here - literally, figuratively, anything. It is because of him all these people have been who they are to me, because of Him I continued to plug on when I didn't feel like it, because of him I go to work with an element of fear every shift that I won't be good enough, I'll do something wrong, I will be convinced that I'm really not supposed to be a nurse. Whenever those thoughts creep in, I only have to lift my eyes unto the hills, because that's where my help comes from - the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121). He keeps clearing the way for me to serve Him in serving others, in this career He has set me on. There are some days where the only prayer I can manage is "God, help me". And He does - unfailingly, without question, and always. Thank you, my Lord and Saviour, for the blessings you bring into my life every day in the form of those who love me, who provide for me and who just *are* for me. Even if they don't see you in my life or theirs, I do, and for that I give you praise.

I'll leave you with this - courtesy of The Big Kid. For anyone who ever says 'can't', this is what I think:

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me'
(Philippians 4:13)

With Him

2008-04-10T00:49:00.002+09:30

Praise You in this storm

2008-03-30T08:20:00.000+10:30

*(Keeping this post sticky)*

Originally posted 25/03/2008

My beautiful brother in Christ and very dear friend Steve, husband to Kristy, has gone to be with our Father in Heaven.

We're called to be '.......patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need..Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn' (Romans 12: 12-13, 15). It is our duty now to surround Steve and Kristy's families with God's love and light, to be His people in their time of need. I rejoice in knowing Steve is Home, but my heart breaks for Kristy and their families.

I keep thinking of the Casting Crows song 'Praise You in This Storm', but I can't help but wonder - how does the world continue to turn when your world has been completely turned upside down?

See ya, Stevie, I'm going to miss you mate.

Interceding

2008-03-30T08:19:00.007+10:30

Please continue to pray for this beautiful girl, who needs us all to stand for her and with her in prayer.

'...but because Jesus lives forever, He has a permanent priesthood. Therefore He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him,

because He always lives to intercede for them

(Hebrews 7:24-25)

'For we are God's fellow workers; you are God's field, God's building.'

(1 Corinthians 3:9)

Awakening

2008-03-28T21:42:00.001+10:30

My heart woke up tonight, and the tears finally came.

I have no words.

Power in simplicity

2008-03-28T13:12:00.004+10:30

For us all.

(This is also the song that is the first track on my music player)

The mystery of grief

2008-03-27T20:43:00.003+10:30

As soon as I heard Steve was missing on Sunday, I went into 'shut down', into hiberation, maintenance mode, waiting for direction for the next step. I had a tear a couple of times, but it was just in passing. It was like I was waiting for the final outcome before I allowed myself to feel, to know where to expend my energies.
Today is Thursday, and I'm still yet to feel. I feel like I don't have a right to feel, because as much as this has all impacted my life, it's nothing compared to how it affects Kristy and Steve's family. I loved Steve as a brother in Christ, and I know he is now in Paradise, and somehow, I don't grieve for him. But I grieve for the gaping hole he has left behind in all our lives, and for the future Kristy dreamed of for so long that has now been altered forever.
I grieve, but I don't feel. I can shed tears over the movie I'm watching now (Calendar Girls), but I can't cry over losing someone who had an influence on my life. But I feel that this all doesn't matter, because my grief pales in comparison to Kristy's and Steve's family.
I know God has purpose in this. I know Kristy is struggling in her relationship with God right now, and perhaps His purpose for me now is to stand for her, when she can't, to pray for her, to pray that she knows God is with her, even when she's questioning that. I pray that I can be God's light and love to Kristy and the families and our friends, as He call us to share . I have no idea how to do that, how to be that exactly, all I know to do is pray '....so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.' (2 Corinthians 1:4)