If Not Now, When?

Deep Into It

2008-09-05T05:02:00.000-07:00

What a long, strange trip it's been!

During the two or three years I was morphing from an FFL (Fifty-year-old Fat Lady) to a Crossfit instructor, I was living OUTWARD. When life got tough, as it did when first one child, then the other, got horribly ill with bipolar disorder, I pushed my body harder. I think I was addicted to the rush of exercising intensely. No matter how bad things got, I stayed strong. I got both kids through their episodes, and thank you, Lord, they are both doing very, very well now.

But I went into my major spinal surgery quite fatigued. Between the emotional stress, and the degree to which I pushed my physical limits, I compromised my reserves. The tank was kind of empty when I called on my body to heal.

So now, four months post-surgery, my body's got a lot of things to say to me. And I haven't been listening. Until now.

Not only am I not back at weight-lifting or Crossfit, I am finding it difficult to do anything at all with any intensity. When I try---as in jogging or cranking the resistance on the spin bike---I develop increased pain and neurologic symptoms, suggestive of more spinal damage.

Ok, body. You have my attention. I'm listening.

BODY: "Susie, I was happy to cooperate with you during most of those years you were losing weight and getting fitter. I tried to tell you. Remember, in the six months or so of Crossfit, how I tried to tell you you were overworking my shoulders and elbows with those high reps of pushups and pullups? I gave you plenty of little twinges to gently tell you to lay off for a bit. You didn't listen. You kept on lifting overhead, doing those pushups and pullups like I was 25 years old instead of fifty-something, for God's sake. Then I sent you tingles down your arms and legs to tell you it was all too much for my spine. You didn't much listen to that, either.

"Ok, that's all in the past. But what possessed you to think, after all I've been trying to tell you, that you should focus your energies on trying to get back to that level of fitness after this major surgery? What on earth is driving you, Susie? Are you trying to break me all together?"

SUSIE: "Oh, dear, Body. I'm really sorry. You know what happened was this: I heard you signaling me. I knew my elbow and shoulder were hurting, and that lifting, pushups and pullups were making the pain worse. But I was under so much pressure, I couldn't stop moving. The hour or so at the gym was the only time I didn't worry about one kid or the other. I wouldn't have known how else to soothe myself, frankly, besides pushing through another set of limits. I'm really sorry I hurt you in the process. I didn't mean to, I was only doing the best I could under the circumstances. I truly hope you will forgive me. I am ready to listen, to learn from you, to respect your needs, and to move and nourish you more wisely. I am ready and willing to be your student, BODY. Please tell me what you need, what I should do."

BODY: "That's more like it. Let's talk about healing for me and for you. We are going to have to be a team. You have to listen for my signals. We have to find what's healing together.

First of all, let's talk about rest. We need lots and lots and lots of rest. You don't rest enough. It's going to be very difficult to heal without good rest. So keep working on improving sleep with me. I know pain and worry are interefering with sleep. Please don't be afraid to get help with this from the allopathic doctors. I promise you we will not get addicted if you accept some pharmaceutical help for sleep! Also, get a little CD player with earplus that will play soothing music when you wake up. I know this will help. Also, nap during the day; I need the rest. Physical rest, psychological rest. I am telling you that I MUST have that rest in order to heal. Don't feel so damned guilty when you let housework go. It's okay to drop the vigilance and relax. If you don't, I am not going to get better.

Second, be open to me when you feel like eating for comfort at night; I will help you through that. I know it's hard for you not to turn to food for soothing at night, but I'm telling you that eating late at night is interfering with sleep. I want you to nourish me well but stop eating by 7pm, ok? As to foods...you're doing a lot of things right. Just make a habit of asking me what I need at each meal, and I'll tell you. PLEASE don't eat bread, except for maybe one slice of Ezekiel bread a day. Any bread---even whole wheat---is not sitting well with me right now. No pasta, please. I need nutrient dense dark green leafy vegetables, dark orange foods, eggplant, fish, yogurt and berries, roots. I'll tell you what I need, just listen.

Third, seek water. I like to be in water. I'm not talking only about exercising in water, though there is that. I'm telling you, there is healing power for you in ocean imagery and sounds. Play ocean sounds when you meditate. Use shells as a healing talisman. Eat fish. Make an ocean pilgrimage. I am water. Seek water."

SUSIE: "Thank you, BODY, for communicating with me. I am listening. Together we will heal. I know that part of what I have been stuffing down into you is the horror of last year. I didn't allow myself to feel the horror of it, I just tried to outrun it. I've been traumatized, and instead of giving voice to the trauma, I let you carry it all for me. We can share the burden now. You don't have to carry it in our bones and tendons as a testimony to pain. I will take care now. You can let it go."

Movin' On

2008-08-17T04:31:00.000-07:00

Up until recently, my goal was to return as soon as possible to my Crossfit regimen, with as few modifications from "Rx'd" as I could sustain.

It is becoming and more and more clear to me that I do not want to do that, out of the deep conviction that it isn't good for me; at least not at Albany Crossfit, not for me. I am not capable of holding myself back, and Jason, as a young healthy man, doesn't understand older bodies and their limitations. He pushes too hard. (Don't get me wrong, if you are young, uninjured, there's no place more fun to train. But you're a square peg in a round hole if you're older, especially if you are injured.)

The good news is, I am looking forward to lots of different activities this autumn. I'm already doing Tai Chi (as substitute for the yoga I can no longer do) and I will be adding Qi Gong in the fall. I've signed up for a two-hour weekly dance class at eba (local dance company) just for people over 50! The Y is offering some classes that interest me: spinning, Zumba (Latin dance inspired exercise), NIA, and step classes. I'm walking about an hour a day that includes a pretty long hill that I am aiming to jog up by next year. And I'm still working on rehab for my left shoulder and elbow. Yesterday, I started using light dumbbells for my right arm. I'm stretching and icing my left arm joints several times a day.

I feel better when, like the horse Dover in MY FAIR LADY, I move my bloomin' arse.
("C'mon, Dover, move yer bloomin' arse!)

The point is, doing Crossfit had been such a joy for me AND so effective in helping me manage my weight, that I had come to believe that nothing else would do.

The truth is, when you look at fitness from an evolutionary point of view, with the program outlined above, I will be supporting health and fitness without hopefully wearing out my body.

1. Lots of low intensity exercise: my daily hour walk.

2. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!: the hill sprint, plus sprints on the stationary bike or other machines I choose to use.

3: Carrying things: I am starting with strength training again: legs, core, right arm.

4. Fun/Relaxation/Flexibility: Tai Chi, QiGong, all my dance classes!

The best thing is my enthusiasm is roiling again, my spirit is getting back a little of the vitality and sparkle I'd lost during this horrendous recovery. I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Susie

Hopeful and Heartened

2008-08-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so much more hopeful than just a couple of weeks ago.

First, after having seen a WONDERFUL endocrinologist, Dr. Mark Fruiterman of The Endocrine Group in Albany, I'm not so much worried about thyroid cancer. Dr. Fruiterman provided great comfort in telling me that in over 30 years of practice, he's never lost one patient to thyroid cancer. I have a biopsy scheduled for
Aug. 19th; but I'm not worrying about it.

Second, now that I've been cleared for physical therapy, I'm at my healing with a vengeance. I've had two acupuncture treatments and two physical therapy appointments, and I can feel a very good response so far, with significantly increased range of motion of my shoulder, and a moderate reduction in pain at the shoulder and elbow.

Plus, I find it freeing to think about fitness in broader terms than Crossfit WODs. For figuring out what is needed, I like the framework of evolutionary fitness:

1. Hours of low intensity movement: walking, mostly; hiking, rock scrambling, housework, etc.

2. Sprints every now and then, as in "Run for your life!" I can't do running sprints right now, because of my spine, but I can sure as hell sprint on my stationary bike or in the water.

3. Lift and carry heavy stuff. Ok, it doesn't have to be SO heavy, going after a PR every time, like I used to do. It's more like carrying a baby, or lifting a log overhead to build a shelter, or dragging a carcass along the path. This is having to wait until my shoulder and arm heal, but I am as eager as ever to lift heavy stuff. I should be able to lift SOME weight!

4. Dance, play. Think of the tribe dancing through the night. This I love...I'm going to take some dance classes in the fall, along with my Tai Chi (for meditation and relaxation.)

It's all good. It's not what was, but it's all good.

Susie

Healing

2008-07-23T06:10:00.000-07:00

I have been futilely banging my metaphoric head against the wall of WHAT WAS, and all I have to show for it is....well, a metaphoric headache.

Every time I go to the Y to exercise, I gaze longingly at the weight room, going over possibilities in my mind. Is there room to set up for a deadlift? Can I lift the light bar and try to clean it? How about dumbbells, if I lift light and easy? Yesterday, for instance, I tried to clean a 25 lb. bar, and searing pain in my elbow told me that wasn't a good idea. I'm in so much pain from my elbow and shoulder that my sleep is suffering for it.

So..............it's time to use my head for something other than wall-banging.

Given my neurosurgical, orthopedic, and endocrine woes (healing cervical spine, raging rotator cuff and lateral epicondylitis, and a swollen, nodular, possibly cancerous thyroid gland, it's time to come up with a comprehensive program for rebuilding my health. I refuse to become a chronic pain patient! I want to feel that vibrant health again!

So here's the plan.

1. NUTRITION: I really need to eat an anti-inflammatory diet. I've been way off the mark recently, with the last crisis I had, I turned to food for comfort, and starting eating bread and grains again, and I notice my orthopedic problems are much, much worse with gluten in my diet. Given that I felt such vitality on a modified Paleo regimen, it makes sense to go back to it, especially with regard to avoiding gluten. So.....it's back to meat, eggs, fish, vegetables, fruits and nuts....with the addition of yogurt. I got two books out of the library on the anti-inflammatory diet, and I will be reading those to glean any other insights. I am going to keep track on fitday but not restrict calories unless my weight continues to go up.

2. WEIGHT MANAGEMENT: For now, I am going to continue to weigh myself daily. As of this morning, I weighed 154 pounds. I am going to strive to maintain around 150 lbs. My plan is to go back to a modified Paleo diet as described above, keep track on fitday, make an effort to eat mindfully, but not restrict calories as of yet. My life is so stressful that it's unreasonable for me at this time to try to get lower than 150. Maintaining at that weight will be quite satisfactory---I'll still be well within a healthy BMI. See exercise, next section, for the other half of the weight management equation.

3. EXERCISE: Every time I try to work with my arms at all, I pay the price with increased pain and decreased sleep. Here's the list of things I can do:
-Walk outside!
-Sit a stationary bike.
-Treadmill
-Elliptical
-Arc Trainer
-Climb stairs
-Stair-stepper machine
-Tai Chi
-NIA
-Careful stretching/yoga

So here's the plan: Every day, I need an hour of moderate exercise, made up of any combination of the above activities, plus the stretching, NIA, or Tai Chi. (Those don't count in the hour.) If I can get up to 90 minutes, that's even better. I can at least get a half-hour on my bike in front of the TV at night!

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL HEALTH: The exercise, for me, goes a long way towards healing my stressed-out mental/emotional condition. In addition, I need to make a disciplined meditation time---even 10 minutes will go a long way for me. Best time is right after dinner. I'm also taking time to read for pleasure.

THYROID ISSUES: I've gotten my ultrasound done, and now it's time to follow up with a surgeon. I've been referred to The Endocrine Group on Washington Avenue, and I'm waiting for a first appointment. It's pretty clear that I'm going to need some intervention no matter what the tissue pathology is because my thyroid's so big I'm having difficulty swallowing.

PAIN RELIEF: In addition to the anti-inflammatory diet and other general health measures, I have restocked my Carlson's fish oil supply and will be taking 1 tsp/day. I'm also going to make an appointment for acupuncture.

It makes me feel good to have a program; to be active in my own recovery. Go, me!

Here's to your....and my, health.

Susie

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-07-12T17:45:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm 53 years old today. What a long, strange trip it's been!

I'm doing pretty well, I think. I've got my diet under control after a siege of emotional over-eating. I gained 7 pounds---my highest weight of late was 152. But the switch has been thrown, I'm back in control, eating for health and feeling much better.

It helps that this past week, I am finally hitting some semblance of regular exercise; though not the fire-breathing Crossfit dragon of yore. I can't lift weights. I am exceedingly eager to do so.

What I have been doing:
-Tai Chi. I really, really like Tai Chi as it's meditation in motion. It's taking the place of yoga in my life, since I can't do most of the poses, and it makes me feel the same way, mentally.
-Spin classes: These are a good way for me to build a little leg strength (I crank the resistence) and to get my heart rate up, which is a must for me to feel good.
-Toning classes: These are like step classes done with light weights. Kind of silly, but it's better than nothing. I can't do all of these exercise yet, either, but I do my best.
-NIA class: fun, low intensity movement that I find very good as a way of getting back in touch with my body. It's kind of freeing.

What's in the way:
-I go back to the surgeon July 18th--this Friday--for follow-up Xrays. Hopefully my cervical spine will show enough fusion that he'll write me a clearance note so I can get some personal training! They won't help me at the Y until I get such clearance. Can't blame 'em, my scar is like a neon stop sign.
-I have really nasty tendinits of my left elbow (lateral epicondylitis, tennis elbow) and also tendinosis of the rotator cuff. I get pain that just drops me in my tracks if I move my elbow wrong. Worse than any neck pain! I tried to do a lat pulldown at the Y the other day, and just putting tension on my elbow---I hadn't even moved the weight---nearly floored me with intense pain. So I stopped! Hopefully, I'll get a referral to physical therapy and some help for this pain, which keeps me up at night. I'm pretty uncomfortable. HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO A PULLUP IF I CAN'T PUT STRESS ON MY ELBOW????? Arggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.

Since getting in to the regular exercise habit again, I feel more like my old self. More able to cope with the stressors of my life, which are considerable. You probably won't believe this, but I now face the possibility of having thyroid cancer. I seem to have developed nodules on my thyroid gland. It's always something! If I have to cope with cancer, so be it. They say God doesn't give you anything you can't cope with; God must think I am made of iron. It's been quite a year.

BUT...today is my birthday, and it's all good. If you're going to get cancer, thryoid's usually a pretty "good" one to get.

I miss my friends at Albany Crossfit, but what can you do? With Matt now living here all the time, and both kids with major high-maintenance issues, my own physical limitations, this doesn't seem to be the time for me to add 45 minutes of travel time to the gym. I'm grateful I have a Y 5 minutes from home. Without it, I'd be lost. They have a nice weight area....WITH pullup bars!

Susie

Healing

2008-05-26T12:50:00.001-07:00

Probably the biggest hurdle I've had to face is letting go of "then" so I can be here "now."

Then, I was Kool-Aid drinking Crossfit addict.

Now, I have a fair amount of pain, especially at night, interfering with my sleep. I'm deconditioned, relative to a couple of months ago; I'm weak, relative to a couple of months ago; and I'm rather pudgy--relative to a couple of months ago. But that was then. This is now.

Now, I cannot jump into Crossfit style workouts. It's more about R&R: remedial and rehabitative.

Today, I sat on my spin bike for a half-hour. I did a morning's worth of housework.

I'm healing. But the hardest fight has been mental.

Susie

Kick in the Ass

2008-05-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here's the deal.

A couple of days ago, I pushed myself in the gym a bit. I did declined situps, body rows, squats, a stint on the bike. Afterwards, I had a lot of pain in my neck, shoulders, and arms, and all four extremities started tingling and buzzing and going numb.

I thought maybe I'd knocked a screw loose. (No jokes, please! My husband thinks I did that before I even had hardware in my neck!)

So I called my surgeon and asked about physical therapy. You know, like maybe I should be doing this under supervision. He told me he didn't want me to do physical therapy until after my bones fuse. I figured if he doesn't want me to do P.T., he sure as hell doesn't want me to do Crossfit-inspired workouts. I'm really a very bright woman.

This has left me antsy as all get-out. I can't drive. I can't lift weights. It's hard to work up a sweat. I'm eating because I'm bored, or anxious, and I miss exercise intensity and hanging out with my cool peeps at Albany Crossfit.

I know I have to do what I CAN, and not focus on what I CAN'T.

So...what CAN I do?

1. I can (and should) eat as clean a diet as possible, for the sake of my healing. I have to knit some bones together and muscles that were torn up in the surgery have to heal as well. There's no excuse for a poor diet now.

2. I can walk every day as long as I can tolerate, and I can ride a stationary bike. So every single damned day, I should be doing one, or the other, or both. I neeed to move for my mental health and wellbeing, and if that's all I can do, that's what I should do.

I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm very lucky.

KICK IN THE ASS, GIRL! GET GOING!

Susie

Collared!!!!

2008-05-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, that isn't me, but it might as well be!

Having major surgery is a funny thing. At least, today, just about 3 weeks post-op, I can see some funny things about it. Like, you have to go in emotionally prepared to cope with a less-than-favorable outcome.

My thought processes went like this: Ok, what if I die? If I die, I have a will that takes care of my husband and children, I have letters written to my kids "in case", and if I die on the table, it won't be painful and God will take care of me, so then my dying is everybody else's problem, so I have nothing to worry about.

Ok, what if I wake up quadriplegic? If I wake up paralyzed, I will still be "me" and I probably can hope for a few more years of life so I can get my kids grown up, and I can cope with that, so I have nothing to worry about.

So I'm in the pre-op area, and the anaesthesiologist says to me, "We need to put in a radial artery line."

"Why?," I ask, remembering I didn't have one for my last surgery.

"Because we have to closely monitor your blood pressure. We found that people wake up blind from this operation if their blood pressures drop."

Oy! I didn't pre-worry about blindness! I only had 3 minutes of consciousness left in which to work that one through! Ok, if I wake up blind............

I didn't quite finish before it was time to go unconscious. I'm happy to tell you I am not dead, paralyzed, or blind. In fact, the good news is, I think most of my pre-op neurological symptoms have resolved, or are resolving. My legs are no longer numb, I haven't fallen down once, my right arm is no longer numb, and my left hand is intermittently not-numb, which my doc says means it may resolve completely in a few weeks.

I am, however, very, very sore. Still.

I have a beautiful (not) six inch incision at the back of my neck running up into my scalp. My traps are bruised and tender to the touch.

And I'm fluffy.

I'm just now feeling well enough to notice that I am putting on fat and losing muscle due to an excess of comfort eating and a dearth of activity. It's hard to walk fast outside wearing a cervical collar (see above picture). I will not be driving until at least June 3rd which is when I get Xrays taken to check on the progress of my bone fusions.

So what to do? I can't get to Albany Crossfit gym more than twice a week and I need to exercise daily.

Here's the plan:
1. Started journaling food on fitday today. No more than 1500 cal/day. Don't want to go lower than that because of the need for healing.
2. I'm going to buy a one month membership at Planet Fitness which is within walking distance of my home. There, I will be able to use a treadmill, elliptical, or stair climber daily. Plus, I can at least pick up a dummbell and toss it around if it's light enough. (I'm thinking "deadlifts", squats, and presses with very light DBs, if nothing else to "preserve the stimulus" and remind my body of the form.)
3. Time to start back on fish oil. I couldn't stand it as long as I was taking narcotics, it made me sick to my stomach. Also stopped taking my multivitamins, will start back on those, too, and my glucosamine/chondroitin.

A big struggle ahead of me is going to be with fear and sense. I'm very, very afraid of hurting my spine further, because I never want to go through this kind of surgery again. I could see myself easily overcompensating for that fear by overdoing it. So I need to stay sensible, too. I know great things are not accomplished by a rigid adherence to sensible, but now I am thinking, "who am I to want to accomplish great things?" Maybe I should be content with just not getting fat again, staying reasonably healthy, and forget about this midlife athlete thing.

I'm quite conflicted as you can tell.

But for now.....the plan. We'll see what my body tells me when I start asking it to move.

Just when you think you have all the answers, they change the questions. Life is interesting!

Susie

Zachor- "Remember": A Passover Meditation

2008-04-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

I am just now setting up the table for our seder. Years ago, when the boys were little, I put together a Passover box of props and handouts. I have a box of tiddlywink frogs that we set to hopping when we name the plagues. There are carbboard cutouts of four wine glasses numbered 1, 2, 3, and 4 to keep track of the ritual glasses of wine, and these are appropriately stained with Manishewitz Concord Grape Wine, otherwise known as Jewish Kool-Aid.

Some years, I add things, other years, I retire an outgrown prop or custom.

As I'm pulling these items out of my Passover box, I remember the seders of years past. Last year, my mother-in-law, Edythe Rosenberg, was at my table.

This year, she will be missing. She's a resident of Daughters of Sarah nursing home, and can't navigate the steps to get into our house. Last year, I forgot the make the lamb shank bone that represents the lamb that was sacrificed to put blood on the lintels of the Hebrew homes so that God would pass over those houses and spare the firstborn. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a hotdog. As I held it aloft, proclaming, "This is the Paschal lamb....." Edythe said loudly, "That's not right."

She will be missed.

Zachor. To remember.

I found something I said last year to start our seder, and I wanted to share it with you. Here it is:

Life dances and you have to dance with it, whether it is taking you on a wonderful ride or stepping on your toes. This is the necessary and transcendent gift of being incarnate---alive in a body. But is just life dancing. Life will move you in the rhythm and direction of its own nature. each moment is a fresh moment in the Dance, and if you are lost clinging to the past or clinging to your hopes or fears of the future, you are not present for the dance.

So why do we remember?

We remember in order to seek freedom anew, in our time, in our lives, in our world. We remember in order to see with fresh eyes the way we remain bound and unfree. We remember in order to set aside that which holds our spirits captive and our lives fettered: our fears, our old angers, our regrets and resentments.

The part of the seder in which we remember the story of Mitzrayim and Exodus is called Maggid: the Telling. Mitzrayim, the Biblical Land of Egypt, can be understood to stand for all sorts of modern slavery, and the Exodus symbolizes the journey we must undertake to become free. To become authentic. To be fully engaged when Life beckons us to the Dance.

Today, as together we remember our historical slavery and liberation as a people, I invite you to explore privately your own history of bondage and liberation as an individual. Today, I invite you to gently acknowledge the chains of habitual attitudes and behaviors that hold you bound, and to meditate on what keeps you from becoming free. In this Passover season, let the lessons of Mitzrayim teach us to not be afraid of freedom. When Life comes calling, let us Dance.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Susie

Daydreams

2008-04-17T05:09:00.000-07:00

I find I am holding two simultaneous, contradictory, and necessary attitudes about my post-operative recovery.

First, I have to cultivate an attitude of acceptance: I have to be prepared to accept whatever outcome I get, even if more limiting and challenging than I hope.

Second, I have to be determined to emerge from surgery completely able to "get on with it" and get to work.

The ideal is some tricky amalgam: go at it with grit and determination but embrace the moment with acceptance. In other words, if I decide "today I will do 25 squats with the bar" and my body only has a capacity of 15, then 15 bar squats is where it's at. I can choose that moment to mourn the 10 undone, or accept the 15 as that day's good.

More simply put, is the glass half-empty or half-full? When is it right to push, and when is it right to surrender? And where, oh where, is the wisdom to know the difference?

REHAB SCHEDULE
M, W, F: Strength Rehab-I don't know what I will be able to do, but I do know I will need to rebuild my muscles and my strength. I wonder what kind of strength work I can do in a cervical collar?

T, TH: endurance work---treadmill, spin class, elliptical, C2 rower....

Daydreams. I am wanting to get on with it!

Susie

Let 'Er Rip

2008-04-13T05:54:00.000-07:00

So, the other day I had the good fortune to have a telephone conversation with Coach Mark Rippetoe. What a generous man!

The upshot of the consultation was that post-op, after initial recovery, I should be able to lift weights again! As long as I go slowly and listen to my body, there's no absolute reason I can't recover my strength.

Of course, Jason kept telling the same thing, once again..."YOU WERE RIGHT!" (For some reason, whenever that song comes on as workout music, he makes me sing it to him. Sometimes he tell me I can do something when I believe I can't, and he's frequently....often.....almost always....RIGHT!)

While I'm not looking forward to surgery, I am looking forward to throwing myself into my rehab, and working my way back up. For a long time now, I've not kept training logs, because it's been too disheartening to see the numbers go down. (Like documenting the fall of Rome!) But post-op....there will be no place to go but UP, and UP I intend to go!

I have two short-term goals right now:

1. To be on my feet so I can help make the Albany Crossfit East Coast Challenge a success! That's May 30th-June 1st.
2. To be able to at least do things with decent form at my level one Crossfit cert June 21st. If I recall from my last surgery, I was cleared to lift weights by 2 months.

Longer terms goals are to be able to do that pullup!!! After that...who knows?....Fran as Rx'ed????? Wouldn't that be a kicker! At age 55, say, to be able to do that as Rx'ed for women? Life is good. It's fun to try.....

Susie

Crossfit Tough

2008-04-04T03:57:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing.

I'm still up to my ears in tzouris (Yiddish for troubles).

My surgery's scheduled for April 21st. My surgeon tells me the idea is for me to come out of surgery with what function I walk in with. The goal of surgery is to prevent further neurologic compromise. If I recover any lost strength, it's gravy.

I remember from my last surgery that rehabbing felt like clawing your way out of a thick, tangled jungle, or swimming up from the depths of the ocean towards the air. A long, hard climb, with progress and setbacks that went on for months.

This time, the doctor says, it will be harder. Kind of like a hero workout on 'roids. Six weeks in a cervical collar. I will lose the ability to flex and extend my head because my neck will be too rigid.

I will have to be cautious. Because the discs will be gone at four levels--from C3/4 to C6/7---forces on my spine will be transmitted up and down rather than absorbed through the cervical vertebrae. This means, if I stress too hard, like from heavy weights overhead, I could damage the vertebrae below, at the thoracic levels. Not a good thing. More spinal surgery means more disability!

I love Crossfit. Part of what I love about it is pushing myself beyond my limits; I love being good at it. I love being strong and fast and capable, physically.

So.....I'm thinking.....I will take it very, very slowly coming back. It's like learning to walk all over again. I will have to start with just walking on the treadmill. Then the spin bike. Range of motion execises, dynamic flexibility. Even more slowly, lifting weights. Very, very, light weights. Nothing heavy overhead. Ever.

Fact is, I will be starting at ground zero. No, more like the sub-basement. In fact, there's no looking back at what I "used to do."

I'm going to take a deep breath, and ask Jason to erase all my PRs from the leader board at Albany Crossfit. They will be very old and outdated, and meaningless as far as my future is concerned. I don't want those numbers---and let me tell you, they are damned good numbers---to stand like some musty monument. My PRs are irrelevant right now.

When I come back, I will put up whatever numbers I earn, and if they are truly "personal best" I will cherish them. Because it is what it is.....hahaha....NOT what it "used to be!"

But you know what?

I'm still determined to do an unassisted pullup.

I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna do that baby before I kick the bucket.

You know why?

Because I'm tough. Crossfit tough.

Grateful Girl

2008-03-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so blessed right now.

My younger son seems to be rounding the corner on the worst of this episode. He's had five solid, good days in a row now. I know we can expect a few more ups and downs---like a sinusoidal wave of diminishing amplitude---but I believe we are past the worst of it.

I'm having an increase in symptoms related to my spinal cord issue, and my surgeon's words--"the sooner, the better" ring in my ears. Yet I am grateful that Jason (my friend and trainer) is going to help me. We had a long talk today, and we agreed that my goals cannot be about PRs right now, but about keeping me fit and healthy so I go into surgery in good mental and physical condition.

I would like to have my surgery as soon as possible, but I also know that I am not in the right state of mind to undergo it. I can't focus on myself right now, and I need to do that in order to marshall my mental and physical forces in service of recovering from that surgery.

I'm grateful Jason will be helping me monitor my physical status. We both agreed that if my performance and abilities drop off too fast or too far, I will respond appropriately and schedule the surgery as soon as possible. I'm grateful for that; I will feel less alone during this frustrating time.

I'm grateful for the many friends I have who have stepped forward and asked, "what can I do?" I am just floored by all the good will and support.

Yes, even in adversity, there are many blessings!

Susie

The Long Walk

2008-03-01T05:07:00.000-08:00

My poor baby.

My child is fighting a battle with a strange and wily enemy: bipolar disorder. He and I are out there together in no-man's-land, looking back over our shoulders from whence we came and wondering how the hell we wandered so far from Terra Cognita.

I have to remind myself that if he can bear it, I can bear it. My shoulders don't feel broad enough or strong enough for this task.

Perhaps because I've been on this journey before, and quite recently. My other son, who deals courageously with a diagnosis of high-functioning autism, also developed bipolor disorder this year, and I sojourned with him at the end of the pier and walked him back. Now I have to do it again for his brother, and I am tired.

I must remember that hope and faith are powerful medicines, too. I must also remember that this healing takes more time than you think you can bear, but you must bear it, for this is no other choice.

I remember calling it "Radical Acceptance." But the only way to get there is practice it moment by moment, even if the moment is full of grief. The truth is, my baby's life will never be the same, not with this diagnosis. And there are losses involved, and I have allow him, and myself, a moment or two of quiet grief for what is behind us, so that we can go on with making the best *now*----and future----we can.

I am praying for wisdom, and for strength, and for healing for my hurting child.

Susie

Kindness

2008-02-19T07:12:00.001-08:00

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.

Naomi Shihab Nye

If Not Now, When?....Maybe Tomorrow!

2008-02-15T14:18:00.000-08:00

It's been that kind of week. Month?

It hasn't been but a few weeks that my older son has really been stablized, mood-wise. In case you don't know, my 17-year-old has high-functioning autism and bipolar disorder. He had a rough 4-5 months emerging out of his first mixed, rapid-cycling episode.

I was just starting to breathe easy again, when my younger son, 16, also developed a pretty severe first episode of rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. We're just in the process of working with his psychiatrist to get his meds optimized. We're in that risky phase, when we're dealing with suicidal ideation during the down phase. It's painful and frightening and incredibly stressful. It's like a one-two punch. I barely recovered from the first, then the second one landed. I may not be down, but I am staggering and dazed.

I was contacted by representatives for Gaiam---the company that produces the yoga and FIRM DVDs: they were looking for "average, everyday women" who've lost a lot of weight, and who use kettlebells in their workouts to be in an infomercial. I had the chance to go out on all-expense paid trip to Los Angeles to be in that infomercial, and I can't go. It's next month, and my husband, a CPA, is deep in tax season, my younger son needs me, and JUST TODAY I helped settle my mother-in-law in a nursing home, and SHE needs me, too. (My husband can't stop working during mid-March to look after her at all)

So the answer to "If Not Now, When?" isn't today. Maybe tomorrow!

Susie

I Just Like This Picture

2008-02-09T07:44:00.000-08:00

Got Snatch?

2008-02-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

We did "Josh" yesterday, sadly, another Hero workout in honor of Army Staff Sergeant Joshua Whitaker, 23, of Long Beach, CA who was killed in Afghanistan May 15th, 2007. While I appreciate the hard workouts, I pray Crossfit will have no further occaison to name monster workouts after fallen heroes.

Josh is 3 rounds of:
-DB snatch right arm 21 reps (I used 15 lbs.)
-21 L pullups (I did my poor version of pullups in the band)
-DB snatch left arm 21 reps
-21 L pullups

I am relentlessly focusing on what I can do, and cultivating gratitude for it, rather than on what I can't do and grieving. Life is short. I don't want to waste one moment in unnecessary suffering.

So, for one day, at least, YES! I got snatch!

Susie

Grace

2008-01-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

Those of you who Crossfit know that "Grace" is one of the named workouts. (I think, off the top of my head, it's 30 reps of Clean and Jerk 135 lbs.)

But that's not the grace I'm talking about in this post. It's the other kind, the kind that feels like a gift from God.

I am currently dealing with an overwhelming amount of stress. My older son has autism and bipolar disorder, and is pretty high maintenance, and now my younger son, age 16, is having his first episode of bipolar disorder. He's pretty sick right now and we're working with him and his doctors to get him well as fast as we can. My MIL is 93 years old and needs a lot of looking after, my husband is an accountant and it's tax season, and of course, I'm concerned about my neurologic status.

Even so, I am blessed. Somehow, grace comes.

Someone at the gym said to me, "You have such positive energy." It touched me to be told that.

I think my yoga practice and meditation have a lot to do with this positivity. I don't spend a lot of time wishing things were other than what they are. "You can't get there from here, and besides there's noplace else to go." I often find that I choose to be happy. I guess you could say I practice the discipline of happiness. All hell can be breaking loose, but in this moment, I can choose to smile, and breathe, and be happy. That happiness follows, is simply grace.

Thank You, Jason!

2008-01-21T16:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it's pretty awesome having a trainer like Jason. (Jason Ackerman of Albany Crossfit---www.albanycrossfit.com).

I was feeling pretty crappy over the weekend. I sort of felt like the party's over...no more high intensity workouts at Albany Crossfit, no more progress on my pullups, no more long-distance cycling.......

Jason totally turned my head around on that one. He emailed me the absolutely perfect pick-me-up. He wrote:

When have I ever told you that you can't do something? Just like you always say...I asked Jason can I do spin, he said yes...I asked Jason can I do Fany, he said yes...when you ask me will I be able to come back from this and be stronger and faster, guess what I'll say...

I know it's hard right now, but we will continue to develop wods that challenge and push you in different ways.

The only thing I was saying yesterday is once you have this thought/fear in your head you let it overcome you. You can still do more than you think you can. So get the puss off your face...keep walking in that door...and I will get you there!!!

He helped me remember where I've come from and who I am.

Yes, I remember.

I remember I was 60 pounds heavier, and I timidly asked Jason, "Do you think I could do a spin class?" I was intimidated by how intense it looked.

I remember when my husband wanted to volunteer to SAG for the first FANY ride, a 500-mile charity bike trip across New York. He suggested I cycle while he SAGGED! I didn't think I could do it. Michael, my hubby, said, "Ask Jason. He'll tell you if it's possible for you." That's when Jason said, "Of course you can. I'll get you ready."

So now, facing yet another spine surgery, Jason tells me I can come back from it stronger and faster than ever, and I believe him. I can do this!

Susie

Rethinking Susie

2008-01-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

The picture above is that of a degenerated spine with stenosis, which is what is going on inside my neck.

I saw my neurosurgeon the other day, and got the news: I have a congenitally narrow cervical spine, and bony growths from arthritis in my cervical (neck) vertebrae are further compressing the cord, giving me the signs and symptoms I have now.

Doctors like to call subjective experiences "symptoms"---what the patient says they feel---while objective findings on physical exam or lab or imaging studies are called "signs."

I have symptoms: Some stiffness in my neck and arms, feeling weak in my arms and legs, feeling clumsy with my fingers, urinary urgency I didn't have before, numbness and tingling in my arms and legs, weird sensations, loss of coordination and balance.

I have these signs: weakness in motor strength on clinical exam, decreased sensation to testing in my hands and feet in a "stocking and glove" distribution, hyperreflexia (exaggerated reflexes) in my lower extremities, and signs of impingement on MRI of my cervical spine.

Most everything I have read says that this condition, called cervical stenosis with myelopathy, is progressive, and can result in serious disability. Surgery to decompress the cord and stabilize the spine seems indicated. The only questions being which surgical approach and when.

Physical activity plays a big role in my life. It's part of my sense of myself now, my ticket to the life I want to live when I am not needed to mother so intensely, my source of daily joy.

I wrote this on the Crossfit board:

"It seems pretty clear to me that I'm going to have to re-jigger my mind around a somewhat altered self-concept. I can't be a middle-aged Crossfit wunderkind with this crummy condition.

My priorities are:
1. To recover as much function as possible.
2. To prevent further disability.
3. To manage my weight.
4. To maintain a positive attitude: focus on what I can do, not what I can't.
5. To enjoy life no matter what limitations this condition imposes."

I wanted to post that here so that I can remind myself of it as often as I need to.

November, 2006 I had cervical spine surgery--discectomies and fusions---at C5/6 and
C6/7. Now it's the level above in trouble. Fusions above will give me very, very limited range of motion, so much so that my surgeon intimated that it would be disabling in its own right. Yet, I am at high risk for cord injury and paralysis because of the compromise to my spine and cord as is.

Surgery is no picnic. Yet the sooner I do it, the more likely I will be to regain function. More important than even regaining function is preventing further disability.

My kids are at critical points in their development, and need me active in their lives right now. It's not a good time for me to be out of commission for a couple of months. Not to mention the risks of surgery: death, paralysis, infection.....

The positive things are that I am in excellent health. I healed quickly after the last surgery.

Positives, positives. I am scared and sad.

But I am listening to a wonderful CD as I write this, Josh Groban's CLOSER. It's putting me in that expanded, expansive soul-place akin to spiritual uplifting during worship. Nearer, my God, to Thee. I am relishing this experience because it reminds me that I can come alive in ways other than physical exericse, my usual source of joy. That I am still vital and "me" even if I can't run or bike or pound away at "Fran." (A named Crossfit workout.)

Just another chapter....the ending's still unwritten.

Susie

It's Better With Friends

2008-01-12T08:50:00.001-08:00

So we did Jason's "Weakest Link" workout. We rowed for calories, did lunges, pullups, pushups, all kinds of neat exercises, but the catch was, we had to continue with a given exercise until the last person finished. So everybody did AT LEAST the specified work, and some of us had to keep going and going.....

It made for some great teamwork.

And, oh yes....we had fun.

Gym class was never like this!

Thank you, Jason, and thank you teammates for a fun workout.

Susie

Biochemistry for Dieters

2008-01-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of putting together one fantastic sourcebook for my six-week Nutrition and Weight Loss seminar. I've just finished several days of research into the latest on glucose metabolism and insulin, and it's fascinating stuff.

Some of the biochemistry is pretty complicated. Scientists are discovering that many chemicals play a role in insulin metabolism, ranging from B vitamins to chromium to magnesium.

Obesity, along with metabolic syndrome, CAN be reversed through proper diet, intelligent exercise, and the judicious use of appropriate supplements.

That's the good news.

The bad news is that the medical establishment is mostly behind the eight ball on this! The American Heart Association's low-fat diet is exactly what we don't
want to be doing to lose weight and improve health.

I'm really excited about being able to teach people not only what to eat, but how to eat and how to exercise for vibrant health. I've pulled together state-of-the-art information and techniques from psychology, physiology, and nutrition to create a blueprint for success that can be customized to fit any individual's needs.

It's just another way to be of service. I love to see people get weller!

Susie

Happy New Year, Albany Crossfit!

2007-12-31T18:44:00.000-08:00

I just want to say "thank you" to Jason, Niki, and all my friends at Albany Crossfit for making exercise and fitness such a fun and rewarding part of my life. I wish you all a happy and healthy new year with lots of PRs!

Goals for 2008:

1. Do a pullup!
2. Row a 22:00 min. 5K
3. BW squat
4. Enjoy FANY again with friends old and new!
5. Practice virtuosity...*doing the commonplace uncommonly well*
6. Pass on my passion for fitness and wellness practice to others through my work at Albany Crossfit.

2008 is going to be the best year yet.

Susie

I Like Fasting

2007-12-29T05:40:00.000-08:00

I've taken surprisingly well to intermittent fasting.

I suppose it helps that over the years, I've never developed rigidity about my diet or nutrition. I can see how folks can get really obsessive about all of this. Without obsession, it's possible to try new things, evaluate them, keep what works and let go of the rest.

The biggest surprise to me is how easy it is and how much I actually enjoy the fast. I was afraid of being hungry, because I don't do deprivation. But IF has not felt like deprivation, it's felt like freedom.

I like the feeling of lightness and clarity and focus that comes during the fast. I like not having to be distracted by a meal in the middle of the day. I like the notion that randomness works to our benefit. This morning, for example, I knew I needed to eat, so I just had a breakfast of 2 omega eggs with a quarter-cup of cottage cheese, a clementine, a small whole wheat tortilla with a tablespoon of tahini. Since I'm going to be out and about all day, and we have a party this evening, I won't eat again until around 7pm. So I've stuck a 13-hour fast in the middle of my day.

It's all good.

Susie