Journey to Recovery

Happy New Year!!

2008-01-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, everyone!

I awoke after sleeping late refreshed and not hungover and what a blessing that is. I am so grateful.

Last night, I had the privilege of speaking with my group at an alkathon. Thank heavens we were one of the early groups...I don't think I could have made it in the wee hours. I used to be so uncomfortable speaking at meetings and now it doesn't seem hard at all. I just say a little prayer that whatever I say might be useful to someone. I get good feedback so I guess I do alright. What a great way to end my first sober calendar year.

After the alkathon, my husband and I met up with some friends and went to a party. I only stayed for an hour or so and then went home to be with my kids and a couple of their friends that were sleeping over. Historically, my husband has stayed behind at this party and gotten shit faced with the guys. Much to my surprise, he arrived home shortly before the ball dropped and celebrated with us and our sparkling cider. My sons and their friends took pots and pans and banged them out on the front lawn to celebrate. It was truly fun and a blessing to be there and be sober. (Right now, the kids are engaged in the most competitive game of Risk I've ever seen..they haven't even expressed an interest in breakfast yet...for teenage and tweenage boys, this is amazing. My teenage daughter is still sleeping...too exhausting being in charge of her brothers and their friends for a few hours last night, I guess.)

I can't believe it's 2008. When I was a kid, I remember calculating how old I'd be in various years in the future and the 2000's seemed an eternity away. How the hell did it get to be 2008 so fast?? I'm thinking of leaving the Christmas stuff up because it will be back in ten minutes, lol.

Today I'm grateful for:

A whole calendar year (and many days on top of that) of hangover free mornings

That I find comfort in being part of the fellowship, as well as personal growth

That my husband didn't get drunk last night. He's not an alcoholic, but it still is hard for me to be around someone abusing alcohol

For a clear and beautiful day today

That I don't have to resolve to get sober in 2008 (though I do have to resolve to lose weight; some things never change, after all!)

Merry Christmas, sober buddies!

2007-12-25T11:39:00.000-05:00

This is my second sober Christmas and it has been very pleasant. I have my MIL and FIL here and we had the traditional chicken lasagna dinner last night (and MIL cooked it, yay!)

The present orgy is over and we are very blessed with a bountiful holiday in that department. The best part is not being so hungover that I can't deal with the kids' excitement. Today, I was part of it.

I am most grateful for that.

I expect a quiet day and a wonderful feast with roast beast this evening.

Merry Christmas, all!

gratitude on Sunday

2007-12-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

today I am grateful for:

Dan Fogelberg's music and how much I loved it, especially during my teen years. Dan died of prostate cancer today. I hope he rests in peace.

for Itunes and Ipods, where I can download the music that moves me

for snow on the ground at Christmas

for a quiet day at home weathering a Nor'easter

for no desire to have a "storm party" and the certainty that I will awaken hangover free tomorrow.

Gratitude

2007-12-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings--months and months--of no hangovers

That my cold is just about cleared up

That AA is teaching me to stop trying to control things

That my performance review was not as traumatic as I thought it would be at work today.I've been given goals to work with and that's good. Now, if I only get some management assistance...

That Christmas will be quiet this year, just my husband's parents and us

That my daughter is pleased with her winter concert band performance this evening. It was fun.

Comment Moderations

2007-11-30T18:51:00.000-05:00

I guess I need to moderate the comments to avoid being Mickied again. Sigh...

Step One

2007-11-25T21:33:00.000-05:00

I've been a member of the AA program since I got sober, but have never done the steps. I really want to do them, and now that my sponsor has decided to start a women's step meeting in her home, I jumped at the chance. We are reading 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, a book which I've owned for a while but never read.

Step One is admitting I am powerless over alcohol and the my life had become unmanageable. This has been a bit of a stumbling block for me. I am a high bottom drunk. I never really had the jackpots other people had. And without them, the thought that maybe I could drink again likes to make its way into my brain space on occasion.

So it's good to focus tonight on the ways my life had become unmanageable due to alcohol and how I was powerless over it:

Waking up every day feeling like shit, bloated and hungover.

Swearing that I would not pick up a drink that day, and really meaning it, only to find myself at the package store picking up wine that evening.

Being depressed, stuck, irritable, angry, incapable of any emotion but negative ones.

Shutting my kids out emotionally, as well as my husband.

Drinking more than I intended to every single time I picked up a drink. Hating it when I had to drink more slowly in case others noticed. Impatiently waiting for the server to come back and give me a refill when I was out at a restaurant. Stocking up on lots of wine, in case I had to share with company.

Drinking before the party and afterwards to make up for the moderation I had to endure while AT the party

Blackouts--driving my kids home in a blackout one night. Especially when I prided myself on the one thing that I never did at least was drive drunk.

Sneaking vodka into my cranberry juice when the one bottle of wine I had promised myself I would limit myself to ran out before I got the buzz I needed.

Ignoring the pain in my right side for four years because I was afraid it might mean I had physically damaged myself by my drinking. And continuing to drink all those years.

I am so grateful today that I am sober.

I do not want to go back out to prove that I am an alcoholic and to make my life any more unmanageable than it was. I was lucky to get off the elevator before the DUIs, the jackpots, the losses that I could have had if I had continued on the path I was on.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T13:32:00.000-05:00

Today I am very thankful for:

My second sober Thanksgiving. This year I have no fear that I will be tempted to pick up.

That I've been on track with Weight Watchers for two weeks now (and my treadmill program since August) and I've already worked out today. I am going to be careful about what I eat today, but I plan to enjoy a moderate portion of all my favorites.

That it's a beautiful unseasonably warm day today which means 24 of us will not be crowding into my parents' tiny house. We can be outside where we like to be.

That one of my college roommates, also sober, is coming for a visit on Saturday night.

That I am going to take the train into town tomorrow with my daughter for a little shopping in Harvard Square.

That I have so much to be grateful for today!

Life's been busy, but I'm okay

2007-11-09T06:54:00.000-05:00

My poor neglected blog...I've been out of the blogosphere for some time, it seems. Life just got very busy is all. I am sober nearly 15 months, by the grace of God. Things are mostly good, which is probably why I haven't posted, lol.

Hope all are well out there. I need to catch up with all of your blogs.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings without a hangover

Strong coffee in the early morning

Autumn in New England

For keeping my commitment to myself and the strength to do so

That it's Friday!

cravings and such

2007-09-23T19:38:00.000-05:00

Thirteen month later and I still get cravings to drink. Not as strong and as often but there are times when I am definitely entertaining the notion. It doesn't help that my husband thinks I could have a drink now and then. He's sure I won't go back to the way I used to be. The man still doesn't get this disease...

I have not been working my program as well as I could lately and that may be part of the problem. I am going to step up my meetings for a while and get back into reading the AA books I have. I have a few that I haven't even read yet.

Today I am grateful for:

Not being hungover on Sunday mornings anymore

Not blacking out on Saturday nights

That I was in my swimming pool today after my workout on SEPTEMBER 23! This is a record for me. The pool's not heated.

For the first season of 24 which I watched doing my treadmill work out. I loved it.

P.S. Tab, the chicken pot pie recipe is from Cook's Illustrated and I will try to find it on line for you. It will take me forever to type out as it was a three hour affair.

trucking along here

2007-09-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

I have been even spottier blogging than usual. For lots of reasons, not the least of which is Mick's fun rants.

I have started a treadmill program that is making me feel great. After my gallbladder surgery last month, I got on the treadmill for just a little bit every day. I'm doing a program called Weight Watchers Ultimate Walking Challenge and it gradually builds up week to week. I'm on week 5 and I have been religious about getting on the treadmill. I rent DVDs of TV shows I never saw (Desperate Housewives has been on tap lately) and do my time. I'm feeling great. Except for a head cold but that's passing.

I continue to work the program and life just gets better.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings without hangovers

A rainy Saturday to putter in the kitchen

The to-die-for chicken pot pie that I made

That I don't need to drink today

That tomorrow is Sunday (one more day left in the weekend)

More gratitude

2007-09-03T19:50:00.001-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

Getting an email from a woman I used to drink a lot with and hearing how she is in pain from a hangover and knowing that I don't do that anymore and haven't had a hangover in over a year.

That despite the holiday weekend my home group meeting was well attended yesterday

For the home baked goodies that are always at my home group every Sunday and the guy that bakes them

For the absolutely gorgeous weather this weekend

For boating around the Boston Harbor islands with my husband's parents

For the Lewis Black concert we attended last night. Very funny guy.

For a day by the pool and closing the weekend with a lobster fest

Life is good.

gratitude list

2007-08-27T06:04:00.000-05:00

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up sober every morning for more than one year

The Indigo Girls

Mangoes

Getting my medallion yesterday and all the love and support at my home group

Warm weather and nekkid swims in the pool in the early morning

A very funny book I am reading called "Dirty Job"

That because I am sober, I can remember the chapter I read last night at bedtime

Hell, that I was able to read at bedtime instead of just passing out

One Year Today

2007-08-20T05:59:00.000-05:00

Today marks one year sober for me. It has been one year since I crawled in the door of what is now my home group for the third time, after a week long drinking binge that I called a family vacation. There are pictures from that vacation that include me, but I cannot remember being there as I was in a blackout. I still burn with shame if I happen across them.

But today is not a day for shame and remorse. It's a day to celebrate!

Today I am grateful for:

One year of hangover free mornings. How did I ever stand the hangovers for so long?

The personal/spiritual growth I've experienced in the past year

AA and all the support I receive there

My online sober buddies, both bloggers and the secular sobrietists over at the Lifering site

That I am present in my life today

Squirrelly

2007-08-15T08:52:00.000-05:00

I am feeling squirrelly of late, having lots of drinking thoughts and drinking dreams. I don't know if it's connected to my upcoming one year in a few days or what. Certainly, the addictive voice likes to tell me that now that I've gone one year, of course, I can have the occasional red wine with dinner or Margarita. After all, it was white wine that gave me so much trouble...just stay away from that!

My head is a bad neighborhood lately and recovering from surgery has kept me in it too much. I've only gotten to a meeting and a half since surgery. I will get to one tonight. I am feeling much better now, though still a little weak if I sit in one place too long. I will be back at work tomorrow. My boys come home from camp this weekend. Life should get back to being busy and that helps me get out of this bad neighborhood.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings of waking up without a hangover. (This is so tops on my list!)

That I recovered well from the surgery, though a little slower than anticipated.

That when I get squirrelly I know what to do

That my Dad is doing really well lately. Saw him yesterday and he had the old spark in his eye.

For Ann Lamott, whose books I've been enjoying during my lay up

For a beautiful August day that I can enjoy before I head back to the office tomorrow.

Life is good.

Surgery

2007-08-09T17:24:00.001-05:00

I had my gall bladder removed on Monday and I've been recovering since. It was keyhole (laparascopic) surgery so my recovery is faster but my surgeon wasn't kidding that it's still major stomach surgery. Ouch, I've been sore. I've taken painkillers as prescribed and mostly they just made me sleep. Never was one to abuse narcotics; I liked the speedy drugs. Today, I just took Tylenol.

Tonight is my first outing--I plan to go to my women's Living Sober meeting. I won't stay the whole time if I don't feel up to it. However, I've missed my meetings this week.

Today I am grateful for:

Many mornings of no hangovers

That the pain I've had in my side for a number of years turned out to be my gall bladder and not liver damage from drinking

That the surgeon said my liver looked great

That things are quiet at work this week so I am able to rest and recover

Get Back In The Car

2007-07-26T05:43:00.000-05:00

Last night, at my women's meeting, the topic turned to staying in the moment. A number of people shared their tricks or mantras for bringing themselves back to the moment when their minds wander off to worrying about things that might happen in the future. I really needed to hear these things as I have a terrible time of staying in the moment and I'm really trying to put my focus in the day. One of the benefits of this is that it slows time down in a way...I'm paying attention to NOW instead of fearing the future. Still, it's a chore. The minute I am out of bed my mind starts obsessing over things I have to do at work, worrying about my parents, etc.

So I really appreciated the mantra this one woman shared. She described how she does a lot of her thinking in the car when she's driving her kids here and there. When she finds her mind wandering off, she tells herself "Get back in the car!" She now uses this line even when she isn't in the car.

I've decided to adopt this one as my mantra too. I have to laugh though. Another woman had described the issue as "keeping your head where your feet are". This morning, as I was out for my morning walk, where my head starts to swim with all the things I have to attend to, I kept mixing the mantras up so it came out some thing like "Keep your feet in the car!!!"

Today I am grateful for:

Many months of sober hangover free days

My women's meeting and the wisdom that is shared there

The flock of wild turkeys that are roaming my walking route (22 babies, and three adults)

July in New England

Moving right along here

2007-07-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

Things have been okay for me lately and seem to be rolling along pretty smoothly. At least on an emotional level. My siblings are fighting over the care of my elderly parents. I am not involved in the fight but I understand I drew a few zingers nonetheless. My job is still a source of anxiety for me and negative feelings about myself. But somehow, it is all rolling off my shoulders today. I have been practicing staying in the moment and doing what's in front of me. And I believe it will all work out with the help of my HP.

Today I am grateful for:

months and months of hangover free mornings (11 months on Friday!)

that I became teachable through AA

that I've been getting up at 5:30 AM to get a walk in before work, as well as a swim in the pool afterwards

that I lost 3.5 pounds since I started doing it

that I don't crave alcohol every day like I used to

On old Cape Cod

2007-07-10T19:47:00.000-05:00

I was on vacation last week in a beloved place, Cape Cod. I used to live there many years ago and never feel so relaxed as when I get to the beach there, stick my feet in the sand and go "ahhhh". It's also the scene of a lot of my drinking over the years and being back there sober was interesting. My friends there have toned it down some on the drinking so it was not too difficult to stay sober but I did miss the beers on the beach a little.
Above is the place where we kept our boat for the week. We boated to a sandy beach nearly every day. There was only one rainy day all week. We did go karts with the kids, went to Chatham to shop and see the seals on the beach, and got some clams. I ate lots of clams last week.

Today I am back to work but I am grateful for:

Many mornings of no hangovers

That I am blessed to be able to take vacations, particularly Cape Cod vacations

For sand, sea, and blue sky

For clams, fireworks, ice cream, old friends, and new friends

For a sober vacation

Life's little coincidences

2007-06-26T20:03:00.000-05:00

I am still good friends with my two college roommates although we live in different states and haven't been in the same room in years. This weekend I explained to them why I had quit drinking (i.e. about my alcoholism). Turns out that one of them is also an alcoholic as well. I knew she had quit drinking too and suspected perhaps she had her issues but she confirmed them when I outed myself. We all used to party quite a bit back in college; it seems strange that two of us have stopped and the third hardly drinks much at all.

They were both amazingly supportive. My friend did not get sober through AA, but she knows I am in the program and if she ever needs an introduction, she knows who to call.

Today I am grateful for:

More than ten months of hangover free mornings

For old and good friends

That I am going to be on vacation at the beach next week

That my father, who started dialysis today, did well with his first session

For hot June weather and a nice cool backyard pool

I am not a good blogger, I'm afraid....

2007-06-16T20:41:00.000-05:00

It's been weeks since my last post. Not sure what I've been doing other than life. Good news is that I have NOT been drinking. I am approaching ten months sober this week (the date of which is also my birthday so I will have something to celebrate). I continue to go to meetings. I get down on my knees and pray every morning and I pray at night (although I hope my HP forgives me that sometimes those night time prayers come from under the covers).

My gratitude list today:

For many mornings without a hangover

For my Aunt Charlotte who was laid to rest today

For the family gathering we had after the service to celebrate Father's Day, Mom's 84th birthday, my brother's birthday, and my birthday. It's a tradition and there won't be many more that we will get together with my parents. They are both failing.

For old family pictures that we looked through today

For my Mom's Italian sausage and peppers and my sister in law's strawberry shortcake made with local fresh strawberries...YUM!

*************WOW**************

I served as an inspiration to someone? I am truly grateful for that. Thank you, Kathy.

Please stop by and welcome Kathy to the Blogosphere.

http://gospodipomiluj.blogspot.com

(If this link doesn't work, navigate it through the comment from kathym.)

Doctor Lawyer Indian Chief

2007-05-25T07:18:00.000-05:00

Last night I had the opportunity to speak at a commitment. It's
only about the fourth time I've ever done this and only the second time I've been on a
commitment.

This particular meeting was around the corner from my office. I have
never attended any meetings near the office out of fear of being
seen going in, knowing folks when I get there, or God forbid, someone from my
job whom I do not know recognizing me (I'm known to folks in my company that I
would not not necessarily know or recognize). But I went to this meeting,
because the fear of being outed is leaving me as I out myself. Also, my sponsor and group members were coming into town from the suburbs for it and we had made it a date.

The meeting was the biggest meeting I have ever attended. It was
enormous. And when my turn to speak came, I was fairly terrified by the crowd of about 100 people. (I am a terrified public speaker, a
major career handicap for me.) Well, I get up to the podium and don't you know
but that smack dab in the middle of the second row was R., a very influential
partner at the law firm I used to work at up until a couple of years ago. I'm
pretty sure he recognized me and I'm also pretty sure he was uncomfortable about
being recognized by me. Something about his being there galvanized me and I was
able to speak about my alcoholism and my recovery in a way I have never been
able to before--comfortably, with acceptance, and with a real desire to have
what I say make contact in helping another alcoholic know it's okay, we are all
in this together. Whether we are respected professionals or streetwalkers. Big
shots or bums. It happens to all kinds of people.

I ended my piece with a description of how I'd been nervous to attend a meeting
so close to my office in case someone recognized me. And then I said I said
"well, if you recognize me, I want to say hello. I am one of you." And you know what? I meant it!

I just didn't care if R. or anyone else knew that I was a member too. I had a
feeling of the collective "we" that I have never really experienced before. Not
even when I was drinking trying to get that "part of" feeling.

Anyway, R. took off before I had a chance to speak to him after the meeting but
a lot of people came up to me after the meeting to thank me for my share and one
guy mentioned how the lawyer who sat in front of him at every meeting had paced
the sidewalk outside for several weeks before getting up the nerve to go in, he
was so afraid of seeing someone he knew. He was speaking of R, it turned out.

I don't know if R. left quickly to avoid me but I do hope I run into him again.
Gee, I'm not terminally unique after all.

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up hangover free today and many days before this

That I finally got the good sense to get into the program rather than do it on my own

That I am not terminally unique after all

That today is a gorgeous day

That this weekend is a long weekend

9 Months Today

2007-05-20T16:56:00.000-05:00

Can't hardly believe it but it is 9 months today since I put the plugin the
jug. 

I also got the results of some physical tests that I had done and have found out
the my liver is healthy. Turns out the pain that I've had in my side for years
was my gallbladder, not my liver. And all that time I was convinced it was my
drinking destroying my liver. And I was too full of fear to get it checked out while I was drinking.

Knowing that my liver is healthy is a cause for gratitude, not a reason to think
I can drink safely.  I was lucky. Many are not.

The gall bladder will come out this fall and I'll be pleased to get rid of the
pain finally.  Although it has served as a reminder for 9 months (however
incorrectly) of why I don't drink any more.  After all, it COULD have been my
liver.

Today I am grateful for:

9 months of hangover free mornings

Some deep questions from my middle school aged son

For the weather clearing up beautifully late this afternoon so I could walk by dog down at the beach

A day of healthy eating (so far)

Out of the Closet

2007-05-13T20:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight I outed myself as an alcoholic completely with my siblings and their spouses, even using the dreaded "A" word that I have only really used in meetings thus far. Only my sister has known about why I quit drinking and even with her I have never said "alcoholic." Reactions were very supportive and my brothers surprised me with their affection and support. (Although my younger brother wanted to know wasn't I supposed to make amends to him for every time I teased him growing up...) As usual there was some surprise..."you never seemed to drink very much"...that kind of thing.

It feels freeing to be myself. And it also comforts me to know that I now no longer have an out to drink at family functions where the beer is usually plentiful. That door is now closed.

Hope everyone had a good sober weekend. Things are a little less ouchy for me today.

Today I am grateful for:

Waking up on a gorgeous spring day with no hangover

The green grass, the purple azaleas, the smell of lilacs

The Mother's Day gifts I received from my sons (a scented candle and a handwritten poem)

The opportunity to be with my own Mom, as well as Dad and siblings

Taking a walk with my 19 month old niece and seeing the world through her eyes...priceless (we stopped and sang the Wheels on the Bus in the middle of the street)

Ouch

2007-05-11T06:44:00.000-05:00

I am having a week full of fear, totally out of proportion to an oversight I made at work a couple of years that came to light. It really points up how full of doubt, fear, and insecurity I am, especially when it comes to my job. I have zero confidence in my skills, despite the outward trappings of success. I am always afraid--and I mean bone crushingly afraid, I couldn't get out of bed on Wednesday--of the "truth" being found out. Yup, I'm nuts.

I'm tired of living like this and I've really been trying to use the program to help. I am praying to my higher power, asking for help. I'm trying to keep it in the day. I've gone to meetings and reached out and received really wonderful support. The best I felt all week in fact, was at my meetings. I also finally made an appointment with a therapist to start getting to the bottom of this crap. I could easily have drank to drown these feelings this week which would have been my past MO.

Today I am grateful for:

No hangover this AM, yesterday AM and for many AMs before that

My Wednesday night women's meeting--God bless them all, they are the best

For the warm weather we've been having

That my husband is happy with his long longed for new boat

For fettucine with gorgonzola, asparagus and toasted walnuts (leftovers for lunch today)

Is this how I want to spend my life??

2007-05-06T20:46:00.000-05:00

It's been suggested at my job that I take over some new responsibilities that would require me to learn a new area. Normally, I'd be excited but the area is highly technical and, in a word, boring. I spent this weekend trying to do a lot of reading to get up to speed for a meeting that I have tomorrow on the topic and I was bored to tears. Plus, I had a zillion things to do around the house, it was a nice spring weekend and I didn't want to be in the house studying, dang it.

So here I sit and whine after a long day...it could be worse, I could be trying to do this with a hangover.

I have been around drinking a lot in the past couple of weeks, on vacation and then at work events. I don't care for it, not the least reason is that I still get the urge to pick up now and again and I don't like being that close to the poison. I really have to think the drink through to the end. Or drinks, I should say...it is never just one. I'd resent having to stick to just one or two. If I'm going to drink, I want boatloads, oceans and rivers full. Knowing this has kept me away from one.

Today, I am grateful for:

Many months hangover free

Fish tacos (they were excellent)

The people I know in my meetings

That being seen at an AA meeting is no longer such a horrible thought to me

For the sight of Venus in the evening sky

For the smell of fresh cut grass