Me vs The World

Street Fighter: Alpha Generation

2009-07-12T20:28:00.003+10:00

Wanted to hand wash my car this morning, but just as I stepped out the door with my bucket and sponge, I felt a few drops of rain. I waited a bit and it slowly got heavier, so I just went out to the shopping centre near me to look for a DVD rack.

I couldn't really find what I was looking for. I want one that is just one column and quite tall, that can fit at least 50 DVDs, but the ones I found were either too small or not my type of design. My goal then changed to looking for that Chun Li movie which was never released in the Australian cinemas, so I waited for the newly opened JB Hi-Fi to open and checked things out there.

It's not as big as the other ones, but there's a hairdressing place next door and it'd be a perfect size if they took that over. The security guard there looked familiar, I think he works at the city one. God it's a little embarassing if he recognises me. He must think I'm up to something if I'm popping up at all their branches.

I couldn't find the movie so I drove back home, still intent on washing my car if the clouds went away.

I checked out a few work emails and bummed around on the net before deciding to check out that Asian DVD store in Chinksford. Spoke to my client on the phone while I was browsing there. They didn't have it either, and I also noticed their prices were pretty high as well.

I then spoke to my client's brother on the phone as I walked back to my car. I then drove to Bondi to check out that JB Hi-Fi. God, I was going JB Hi-Fi-crawling. I couldn't find the movie there either, and was content to just try to find a decent movie to watch, but couldn't find anything, until I saw in the anime section "Street Fighter: Alpha Generation". Despite it being a $24, 45 minute cartoon, I decided to buy it. I was in the mood to see something different like this anyway.

So I bought it and then drove back to the shopping centre near me to try out the nacho fries I had seen and kept in my mind from a few weeks ago! I also ended up getting a burrito because I feared the picture of the fries was a lot larger than the real thing, but it turned out to be a decent size. I was so eager to get home and enjoy the meal while watching Street Fighter!

I got home, and unpacked everything and settled down in front of the tv. I shared the chips with my mom. It wasn't as hot as it was, but it was still good. It was so much food! I managed to barely finish the chips after the burrito. God I don't think I'll have that much again.

The cartoon/movie was alright. It makes me want to watch more, but I don't think I can afford to start collecting this shit. I think there are lots out there to see and collect.

That gambling crave is slowly coming back. It usually comes back very strong after wins. The cycle seems like this: if you lose, you will tell yourself never to gamble again. If you win, even if you win back 1% of your total losses, you will feel like you can do it again and so you will want to return. Of course, you will lose eventually and the cycle repeats itself.

But even though I've won a total of $895 this month, the crave isn't as strong as it should be. I seem to still have that precautionary type of mentality. Maybe it's because of the huge loss I suffered last month. In a way, I feel invincible, like I've stumbled upon some sort of secret system that can get me wins consistently. But of course, that is a fool's way of thinking. The exact type of thinking that will get you into trouble.

I must stay away from gambling for at least a week, just so my winnings can have some sort of effect. The way I see it is, if you intend to continuously gamble, whatever mone you win can never truly be yours, it can never be locked in, never crystallised. Why? Because by continuously gambling, you are putting that money at risk, exposing it to vulnerability every time. Theoretically, you can really only lock it away if you stop gambling.

So what I'm trying to say is, I should at least let my winnings reduce my credit card debt for at least a week (to reduce the interest) before venturing into it again. Otherwise, what's the point of winning if you're just going to lose it back the next night?

I'd also like for it to be known that my winnings thus far have all been luck. I bet that the ball would land in my half of the wheel, and it has. Every visit thus far I have been able to walk away with a win. That is, very, very lucky. Because the alternative reality could've happened: it could've landed in the other half of the wheel just once, and that would change things dramatically. So I am very, very lucky.

I have been thinking a bit about that massage girl. I wonder if I had developed some feelings for her, and I wonder if she had developed some feelings for me. Sometimes when I'm walking around shopping centres or markets, I imagine her with me. I imagine showing her things which are foreign to her, and which she might find novel or interesting. I think about that last time we were together, the way she held me so tightly, was that real? Or did she just feel obliged because I had become a regular? Or did she suffer some sort of emotional problems and used me as a substitute boyfriend?

I also wonder what I should do when she comes back. I mean, if I book her, then she might think I have been calling up all the time to see if she's back, which seems a bit stalker-ish. The alternative is I could just call to make sure she is working that night, go check out the line up, she will be in it, and it will just seem spontaneous like that. But the downside to that is she will think I have been seeing other girls during her absence. The nice guy in me says that is not the way to go.

Thursday comp: 2-5-2

2009-07-11T20:25:00.005+10:00

Wednesday was soooooo boring! We didn't have court so I was just in the office all by myself. I did some work, but it was hard to focus because of how bored I was. I received an email back from the prosecutions, after I emailed them asking for any news, and they said that the lady was on leave, so that's why I haven't heard anything yet. I knew there was a perfectly rational explanation for it.

At the gym I started rowing, did it for about 15-20 minutes. It's kinda fun, but just hate how it's right at the front so everybody else can see you.

On Thursday I drove to work because I had bball afterwards. Had a bit of an experience with the associate. When morning tea started, I was going up to her to talk to her about some exhibits. As I started talking, she excused herself as she had to chase down RB to say something to him. Fair enough. So I stood there waiting, and then she came walking past with the judge's wife to lead her back to his office. She didn't say a word to me. Nothing so much as "I'll be back" or "sorry about that". Just walked straight past me.

It was just a grim reminder that I am still a nobody. Respect is given to all the baristas, but I feel sols are treated differently. Going to law school means nothing here. This is, of course, unless you work for the prosecution. They are always seen as the right and proper ones, and defense lawyers are always seen as dodgy and shifty.

To exemplify things, I read this article during another break. One of the bits that got me was:

Last year, Neil Payne was a security manager for AMP. This week he is living on the street.

Mr Payne, 41, has been sleeping on trains during the day and walking through Hyde Park at night to keep warm.

"It's difficult. You realise people don't really care" he said.

So, so true. It is important to remind and ask one self often, who really cares about you? The answer may be a depressing one.

Because Mandy did a surprise appearance, Twish, Kate and I had lunch with her. When my food came, the lady asked who it belonged to, and I softly said me and put my hand up, but she didn't hear me and nearly gave it to Kate. Kate said I needed to be more assertive. So true. I really thank Kate for pointing that out.

After work I hung around the area and checked out some stores in the shopping centre for a team basketball. We had saved up enough money, and Dunnycan keeps questioning me as to how much we have, so I decided to finally get one.

Unbelievably, most sports stores did NOT sell basketballs. Rebel sold them but they were kinda crap. What ever happened to the good old days when they would sell rubber ones, synthetic lethear ones and then real leather ones? Guess no one bought the leather ones, that's why.

Anyway, I had to go to that specialist basketball store to get it. Haven't been there for ages even though it's so close to work. I always told myself I'd get that Michael Jordan DVD but they didn't have it.

At basketball we had quite a small team, as Dunnycan and Fab didn't show up (Abi is still in Perth). I'm kinad getting annoyed at Dunnycan for all these no-shows, especially when they're without notice, because he is in effect holding a roster spot which I could've given to Brendan at the beginning of the season when he wanted to play for us. But I don't want to raise that with him because it applies to me equally - why am I holding a roster spot when I have a season ending injury? I guess in the back of my mind I'm always secretly hoping for a return before the end of the season.

As I was nearing the courts I saw Macro and his girlfriend so I offered them a lift. I really like that kid, I hope he turns out well.

We played Soldiers, and kept it a close game for most parts, and even took the lead during the second half. But being out-rebounded cost us once again. I assigned Mike to box out their big guy who was grabbing all the rebounds, and Janet remarked how she doesn't think Mike likes that. So what exactly does Mike think his role as a forward is then? Score, score and score? I mean, he doesn't rebound, he doesn't block, he's always called for silly fouls.

I had to call a time out during the second half and give them a speech about wanting it. What sparked me was seeing Roger throw a bad pass which got intercepted, and he just stood there and watched. What the fuck was that?? If anyone should be chasing, it should be HIM! If you throw an intercepted pass, you should want to track that guy down and cut his head off. You can't just fucking stand there and give up.

So during the time out I was yelling at them, "YOU GOTTA WANT IT, YOU GOTTA WANT IT MAN, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE GAME BY WALKING AROUND". I could feel everyone watching and probably thinking I was going overboard, but I was just so pissed off at their lackluster effort. After the time out, it seemed I at least inspired Fat Pat as he played harder. Geoff was still his energetic self, and that's his main plus, that he's always got energy (although controlling it is another thing). He had an alright game this time, and I commended him afterwards as he and Mike did duty.

We ended up losing as the other team went on a roll and we never fired back. I think Abi is sorely missed. To make things worse, Carter got injured in like the last few minutes as he drove it in traffic and his leg got tangled up with some other bodies. He twisted his ankle and had to be helped off, and I could see when he was lying down on the bench that it was already swollen. At least it was his ankle and not his knee. I'd rather have an ankle injury than a knee injury any day, and I'm pretty sure I said that even before my knee injury.

Fat pat invited me out to eat, and I said yes, but Carter didn't want to go so I declined as well. I didn't want to be a lightbulb with just him and Janet.

Afterwards I drove back to the city and went to the casino, just in time for their prize draw thing. I figured that my best chance of repaying my credit card debt would be to try to win the thousands of dollars from that thing, and that my best chance of getting chosen would be at times when the least amount of people go - during weekdays.

I didn't get drawn, and thought I'd play a bit. I withdrew $200 and lost it on outside bets, then got $400 more and played on inside numbers. In like two spins I won it all back plus $200 on top, so walked off with a $200 gain.

On Friday we only had a half day. DC wasn't there because he had to look after his daughter, and won't be back until Wednesday. It's so quiet without him, I'm not used to it. He's almost like a social shielf for me - when he's around he can get everyone's attention which in a way hides and protects me from interaction. Yes, that's my introverted self speaking.

I haven't seen that hot para for a while now. Wonder if she was let go because it's the end of the case and they don't need as many people now. I remember talking to a sol from the other side and she was saying how busy they were because they had two people leave.

Anyway, after court GS left and it was just me and Rom Rom's team in the office. RB and Rom Rom invited me out to lunch, and because I declined last time, I felt obliged to go this time. Besides, I told myself, it'd be a good chance to build a better connection with RB.

We went to a pub and RB bought me a coke, and Rom Rom paid for the lunch, but I said I'd shout her lunch next time, which I will try to do on Monday. I still wondered why they had invited me to lunch. Did they want some inside info on my team? We half talked about the case and half talked about other things, like travelling, other work, and poker machines. A part of me couldn't believe I was eating with RB, because I kinda look up to him. If there was anyone in this case that I wish I could be like as an advocate, it would be him. He gets the job done without wasting words. Very, very professional. Doesn't smile much, but I admire how he uses words to express himself without the tone of it giving much effect.

After lunch we split as I went back to the office to do some work. I tried to rush from there to the casino to make the 6pm draw, and made a mad dash within the city but missed it by like half a minute. My legs were tired from walking so fast so I didn't feel like trekking back just yet, so I walked around a bit.

I saw that guy who lost a lot of money again. He just keeps getting $100 chips out of his pocket, I wonder how much he has. What he does is wait until the dealer spins the ball, and then in a mad rush piles down lots of chips on selected numbers, seemingly random. The look in his eye as he does it is really scary. It's like he's filled with this addiction/desperation. It really turned me off gambling. I'm sure I don't look like that, but I know I have felt that way on some occasions.

I saw another guy, Caucasian, betting big and losing. Caucasians don't usually bet big, on roulette anyway. They tend to bet small, on colours or their birthdays. He wasn't a regular, as I hadn't seen him before, and he was probably there socially, as he was with friends. I felt like stopping him because he seemed to get addicted, pulling out more money as he lost again and again. I'm sure he'll get a shitty "what the hell did I do that for?" feeling when he wakes up the next day, as I have done in the past.

Maybe it's a first, but I actually didn't gamble. At all. Watching everyone around me lose money was enough to deter me that night. Not only that, it made me appreciate how lucky I was to have won before.

I went home, grabbed my gym stuff and headed off to the gym. I did weights and a bit of rowing again. After that I changed back into my suit and drove to the basketball courts. In the middle of the night, in total darkness, I walked across the grass fields and onto the courts.

I picked my usual court and took a shot. I felt something I hadn't felt for a long time. I felt happiness. I actually truly, genuinely felt happy to be there. Even if I stopped at one shot, it would've made my day. I seriously nearly started crying because I was so happy. I don't think I've ever cried from happiness. I was just so grateful that I could be there again, shooting and dribbling.

The court was wet from earlier rain, so the ball was all wet and a bit slippery, but I didn't care. I did some close range shots, some dribbling, and even made a free throw. I was well enough to feign quick moves. I had a few attempts at one of my favourite shots (behind the backboard) and left when I made one.

I didn't hurt my knee, but I could feel that it still limited me.

I walked back to my car and put the ball back inside. I took a walk at Fox, and there was really nothing there. I bet whoever decided to turn that place into a mall is losing money big time.

I didn't feel like calling it a night yet, so drove to Coogee and took a walk there. I bought myself a spicy beef pide and a Solo and ate it at the beach. It was cold, but I really enjoyed it. I think sometimes, the peace one can get from being alone is very much underestimated.

I gave a seagull a bit of the bread and then headed back to my car to drive home.

Today I was woken up by my phone. It was my client, but he hung up just as I got to it. I caught the bus out to the city and went to the markets to get that bag for DC's birthday. I saw Rod's mum there, and she told me Rod was sleeping in the van, so I took a walk around, and even went up the street and back. When I returned he still wasn't there so I just bought the bag from her. She gave me a $10 discount which was pretty good of her. She couldn't get the credit card thing working so I had to go to the ATM across the road to get some cash. $100 for this bag. Although it's a nice bag that you can't seem to get anywhere else, I don't think I'd ever spend that much on myself for a bag.

Instead of holding the bag in a plastic bag, I decided to just wear it. So I wore it to the shopping centre nearby and checked out the movie sessions. I told myself that passing time by watching a movie would be a good way of avoiding the casino. State of Play was on in 20 minutes, so I took a quick walk around other stores before coming back to get myself a ticket and some popcorn and coke.

It was a small cinema, but it didn't really matter. Only a few people were there. It was so quiet at first you could hear someone at the back chewing.

During the movie my phone rang, and it was my client's brother. Even though I had it on silent, I had accidently pressed the 'answer' button when I had reached in for it, so I had to run out of the cinema to answer it. Funnily enough I had connection problems, and then my phone just completely lost power altogether. Weird.

The movie was pretty good. I was in the mood for a movie with a lot of story, so it was good. I was a bit afraid I wouldn't like it and that it'd ruin the "any movie with Russell Crowe in it is good" thing I had going on, but luckily it didn't. I can still rely on Russell Crowe for a good movie.

After the movie I talked myself into going to the casino anyway. I withdrew $400 and picked a table. I won $80 at first, waited a few spins and then won $100 more. I sat there without betting for a long long time, and then finally decided to cash it all in and leave. I was actually tempted to play some more, but kept asking myself, "do you want to walk away with an extra $180, or do you want to walk off with a loss of $400?"

I went home, grabbed my gym stuff and caught the bus to the gym. I got on the bike at first, but my knee seemed really stiff. I wondered if it was from the rowing or the walking in the city. It loosened up and the pain went away in a few minutes, but I knew I shouldn't push it too hard so I just stayed on it for 10 minutes, then went up to do a bit of weights and abs.

Close of our case

2009-07-08T16:11:00.003+10:00

Yesterday morning I was waiting outside my house for DC to pick me up when my neighbour Desp came to speak to me whilst she was waiting for her company taxi. She seems to hate the lady who lives above me.

Couldn't wait for DC to arrive to get me away from that conversation, so felt so relieved when he finally arrived. I lent him Babel because he said he hadn't seen it. After we parked we went to the stationery store where we did some print outs, and DC got stuck talking to an old man, lol. I thought he wouldn't have minded because he liked talking so much, but as we left the place he sarcastically thanked me for leaving him alone.

In court, we played that one call that I had fixed up after work the day before, and then it was onto our computer expert. During the car trip, DC described him perfectly - "a combination of cockiness and insecurity".

So despite these past few weeks wanting to rehearse and asking us for a script of what he was going to say (no mate, you don't charge us $100,000 and then read a fucking script, you have to earn it), he has the audacity to sit down in the witness box and throw the water glass from one to to the other before pouring himself some water. You should've seen the look on the judge's face, lol.

There wasn't much preparation needed on my part for this, but I was nevertheless 100% focused because it couldn't have been more pertinent to us. I did, however, miss a large chunk of it as I was required to go downstairs to print something out which took ages.

Because the expert was in cross, we couldn't speak to him about his evidence, but yet I was asked to take him out to lunch (to get him as far away from GS and DC as possible to avoid ANY possibility of breaching that rule). I thought I'd just pass the time talking about mundance things, but this guy ended telling me all his current relationship problems and what not. Apart from disclosing to me before that he had broken up with his girlfriend of seven years, he was now telling me that he was finding it hard to choose between a controlling 20 year old who was great in bed, and a more mature, sensible and established 25 year old who was a virgin.

Dude...I don't know you that well.

I was so glad when lunch was over, and when he finished his evidence, because it meant I wouldn't have to listen to his whinings any more.

It was a strange moment when his evidence finished and GS said that that was our case. It had finally hit me - this was the end. This was it. This was really it. All this time I had put off serious efforts in looking for a job because I had always told myself in the back of my mind that I would have more time, that somehow, in some way, this dream job would never end. But this was it, the beginning of the end.

It felt even more strange when I was downstairs in the office.

What do I do now?

DC, GS and I stayed back a bit to talk about the case. It was more of a DC session of hammering home some points laymen style rather than a three-way discussion.

I had given myself celebration for the end as an excuse to see the massage girl. Last time we somehow got talking about dim sims, and she asked me to bring her some. Prior to that she had also asked me to bring some other types of food.

I know this is part of the games women play to see how much control they have over you at any particular stage. Like the Fright Night comedian said, one night his girlfriend asked him for a glass of water, so he got out of bed to get her one. Halfway back and holding the glass of water, he thought to himself "wait a minute, I'm not the one who is thirsty!" and when he went back to bed, he heard his girlfriend on the phone to her mother excitedly saying how she got him to do something for her.

But anyway, I decided to play along. I had no intentions of giving her dim sims, but I have for some time now fantasised about giving her a chocolate strawberry. So when I got back to the city, I caught the bus to the suburb where I normally gym, and went looking for it. The fruit shop that usually sells it was closing, and I asked and they said they had no more.

Hmmm. Now where else can I get chocolate strawberries at this time of night?

I checked out the fruit market, highly doubtful but also hopeful that something else appropriate might turn up. Nope.

As I left the shopping centre, I thought about the mini-plaza across the road and tried there. To my surprise the fruit shop there were selling chocolate strawberries!

I bought one and happily caught the bus home. Not long after, I left again, and went to the casino, again using celebration as an excuse. I lost my starting bankroll of $300, and then decided to leave. I called the massage place to make a booking.

Me: Hi is Jenny working tonight?

Lady: (ind)

Me: Sorry?

Lady: Jenny has gone back to Korea.

My heart sank. I didn't think it would. I never thought I'd feel this way if anything like that ever happened. After all, she was just a massage girl.

Me: Um...is she coming back?

Lady: Yes, in two months.

She laughed. I don't know what at. But I thanked her and hung up. I walked around the casino, stunned. If there was a mental equivalent for the loss of words, that was it. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know what I was going to do. I couldn't even believe I was feeling like this. I should be saying "so what?"

Could it be? Could it really really be? Had I developed feelings for her?

I pictured her sitting on the plane and wondered whether she thought about me. Does that mean she was serious when she said she was leaving on the 28th of June? Or did she leave after, and I had just let too many July days go by?

I somehow talked myself into gambling again, and withdrew $400. On my first spin I won $530. There was a change of dealers. I stood there and thought about things for the next couple of spins. I cashed out.

I reasoned with myself that I should go to the massage place anyway, as a way of forgetting the massage girl. Maybe seeing another girl would take my mind off her. After all, she wasn't the best looking of the bunch, so maybe you can try one of the other ones. You're free to do that now.

I went and saw a girl called Cindy. I had actually seen her before but she didn't recognise me. She had short hair before, but she said she had extensions now. During the massage, I could feel how distant we were. It just wasn't the same. She was no Emily/Jenny. We were...strangers.

We actually didn't talk for most of the massage. The only talk came when she asked me to turn around and laughed when she thought I was asleep. It was only until afterwards that we started talking. I decided to try and dig out some information from her to see if it was normal for them to go back to Korea. She said she was going soon as well, for maybe a month or two, back in September. That was a bit of a relief. Maybe I'll just have to withstand not seeing Emily/Jenny for two months, like some couples do. Also found out Cindy had a dog called Hero, and that the dog got sick because she was away for so long.

After that I went to get some petrol at that popular petrol station, since it was, as HHH put it, tight ass Tuesday. I then decided to get some milk, and wondered where I could get milk around here.

Of course! The convenience store at the casino! So I went back, and bought some really fucking expensive milk. They sold it for $1.80 whereas I normally get it for $1.

Because I had a bit of time on my parking ticket, I went into the casino mainly to watch. I did end up doing a few outside bets with $25 chips, and stopped when I won $25. I was interested in watching a guy at a table who had some sort of 'system' by placing chunks of chips on numbers at both ends of the table, leaving the middle empty. He lost a few spins and made some notes on his piece of paper.

Doesn't that tell you that yo system ain't working??

Some guys were shaking their heads watching him, because he was losing so much money. There was a young Caucasian couple there, and the guy was just betting the minimum on colours. His girlfriend shook her head in distaste as she watched the dealer sweep mountain loads of chips away after the guy lost.

I would walk off and then return occasionally. He did win some spins, and when he won, he won big. But more often than not he'd lost a lot. I'm pretty sure he was chasing losses, but wondered why he didn't just leave after a big win.

Not that that's something I'm very able to do.

Lunch with Rom Rom and Twish

2009-07-06T22:58:00.002+10:00

Yesterday morning I went to Bondi to print out some stuff for work, but then the files turned out to be corrupt, so I decided to go home and have breakfast and then do it later.

After breakfast I bummed around the house a bit, then went to the internet cafe in the city where I printed the stuff out. As I was there, V gave me a call. As always, he was complaining about how much he disliked his job. I didn't get the feeling that he was trying to see if I knew of any jobs, but it sounded more like he wanted to talk to someone about leave the legal industry altogether.

We had quite a long chat - so long that I managed to pack my stuff up and walk up to another shopping centre where I sat down to talk. He told me Yoj was considering leaving because she wasn't making enough money for herself. It's funny how on the outside, library guy and Fam make their firm to be all so happy and going well, but behind the scenes you have Yoj wanting to leave, and when I bumped into Lai at the jails the other day he told me he was working for free.

V also told me a rumour that John may have gotten fired from his old place, instead of him leaving like he says. Really don't know what's up with John, he's so secretive.

I went home after that and basically spent the rest of the day backing up work stuff on my laptop and some important things on my computer like basketball videos and photos.

This morning I caught the train to work. When I walked down the stairs to the platform, I saw what I thought was a fairly attractive girl looking up at the monitor. I stood close by for a few moments and then walked to the other side of her. I noticed that she reacted as soon as I started moving. The theory and logic of my ego told me that she had obviously noticed me and kept me in her sight, aka interest.

We got on the same train. She got on first and sat down near the doors while I went to the upper carriage. As I sat down, she came up and sat two seats in front of me.

Ka-ching.

Her occasional turn told my ego that she was trying to see me via her peripheral vision.

A few stops later, some dude got on, and as he sat down at the seat across the aisle from her, he looked at her and checked her out. She would sometimes look over at his side, and this he would notice. In fact, he would look over at her as well, and try to meet her eyes when she looked over. He even tried to smile once, but she didn't react.

He even caught me watching, and I thought it was amusing, combined with a slight feeling of competition. I wondered whether she was actually interested in him, as she kept looking over his way. My ego told me she wasn't because he looked like a dickhead and was obviously up himself, but objectively speaking, if a girl kept looking over at me I'd think the same thing.

I suppose I got my answer when she got up and went down to the doors at the upcoming stop, which was also my stop. The guy also got up and followed her. Moments later I went as well and ended up with a pretty good view as I stood waiting on the stairs. He kept looking at her but she just looked straight ahead. When the train stopped and the doors opened, she didn't get off but he kept turning around to try to make eye contact. She never did.

I must give kudos to that guy for having the guts to try to smile at her, but at the same time, I think he came off waaaay too desperate. I mean, turning your head all the way to her side that many times? And then following her down the stairs? And then continuously looking over at her even when she was obviously just staring ahead, and then even still trying as he was getting off the train? Come on, keep your pride dude.

I got into the office at just before 8:30 and DC was already there. I spent the rest of the morning before court preparing the 18 folders. DC annoyed me again when he asked me to do something while I was doing all this. I mean, like, can you not see that I'm busy? And that what I'm doing is URGENT??

I was very focused today as I was very wary of any errors that may occur.

At lunch time, even though I brought my own lunch, I went to lunch with Rom Rom and Twish. It was Twish's suggestion, which made me think that maybe she isn't interested in me. Good. We had an alright time, but I swear I said the stupidest thing. We were talking about how Twish knows a friend who knows one of the jurors, and then she wondered aloud whether the juror had figured out which one of us was his friend's friend. I asked how old Twish's friend was and when she said they were the same age, I said that it wouldn't be too hard to figure out (since all the other women are a lot older). Immediately I knew that what I said could have been construed as meaning that Rom Rom was old. I kept my mouth shut as Twish started saying how she didn't exactly dress like a youngster. I wondered whether that was her way of easing the situation.

After lunch, there was indeed an error found by one of the sols from the other side. We had to withdraw the transcript and skip that call. God it was so embarassing.

After work I went to Medicare to claim back some of the costs for my consultation with the knee doctor. I'd never done it before so wasn't really sure how it worked, but all I did was show them the invoice and my card and they gave me some money back, lol. Too easy.

I then went up to the food court where I did some work on my laptop, and then caught the train home. On the bus, I read a bit of that ACL surgery pamphlet. I had tried to read that on the train the day I received it, but the diagrams made me cringe too much. Even now it still made me cringe, but I guess I had to read it.

Last night I actually had this thought:

If you think you're going to sprint, jump and do all those fancy moves without a fucking ligament, then you've got another thing coming.

So true. I can see myself chasing down a fast break and then all of a sudden my knee gives way and I fall like a bullet has just hit my leg. At this stage I think surgery is a must if I want to play bball again.

I went home, then went out to the shopping centre near me to print something out, and then I went to the gym. I did weights and stuff and then went to the bikes room for a 30 minute ride. I was all alone in there, listening to my music. Looking around the room, it felt like I was amongst rows and rows of terminators all lined up and ready for action.

This is the part of me that no one sees. That I never get credit for. How many guys do I know that would work this hard in prehab?

One more interesting thing today - received an email from Ele at lunchtime inviting me out to dinner this Friday.

Do u want to join us for dinner ard 6:30, at a Japanese restaurant near central station?

Linda, colin and me, u r welcome to join ~!!!!! Everyone was asking where did u go, hvt seen u for ages ~~~~ ages ~~~~

J is everything all right ???

1. Who the fuck is Colin??

2. Wonder what exactly was said about me. Presumably this was at Bob's house warming. I mean, to ask me whether everything is alright implies that the discussion was about something going wrong with me.

Then she sent me a SMS at around 3pm saying this was her new number (she had done a group email before declaring her new number and asking for us to send her our numbers but I never replied) and asking me to check my email.

At first, and keeping in mind that part of Seinfeld I saw last night, which was something like:

Jerry: I don't know why you're interested in this guy. He's a jerk.
Elaine: Because he doesn't pay any attention to me, and he ignores me.
Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: I respect that.

My initial instinct was to ignore her completely. But then I figured that my beef was with Bob, not her. So I guess I will wait a day or two before emailing a decline back.

Thursday comp: 2-4-2

2009-07-04T17:56:00.003+10:00

On Thursday I drove to work, because I had planned to stay around that area until basketball, and maybe even catch a movie within that time. There was no court, and so no one was around, but it was pretty busy for me.

At close to 1pm I left to meet DC at the jails. They now have a ticketing system for lawyers, which is ridiculous. You might see another lawyer there half the time, and even then it's only one or two others, so why the hell would you need a ticketing system to keep track of the queue???

Nothing really eventuated in the conference, but I just really don't like it when DC says something to the client in order to advance his own self interest, like playing a bigger role in the case. The advice I gave was also inconsistent with DC's. The client said he really wanted a family member to be called as a witness, and DC basically said if he wanted to then he should. I said that he shouldn't, because it really didn't add anything and also I didn't want to see a family member being exposed to xx by RM.

After the conference we parted ways, and I drove to a nearby shopping centre to get something to eat. I ended up choosing a kebab from a kebab store. As I sat outside eating and watching the nice fountains flowing with water, I thought about how location was everything, no matter how good or bad you were. I mean, this shop had friendly service, price was average, taste was pretty good, and they even put extra meat in it (which was too much for me as I didn't finish it), yet they were located at this remote shooping centre which no one really goes to because it's in the middle of a highway.

After my kebab I went back to my car and used my laptop for a bit. The cinema close by had Year One at 6:30pm, so I decided to wait for that. I must admit the devil did talk to me a bit.

You can go to the casino and back. You know, win $25 and come back, you got plenty of time.

Fuck that, I ain't driving all the way out there and back, you think petrol's cheap? And besides, at the service my car did 5,000 less kilometres than expected, so I'm gonna try to keep that up.

I ended up taking a nap in the back of my car. I woke up with about 20 minutes to go before the movie started, but then didn't feel like it anymore. Instead, I went for a walk to check out the Nike and Addidas factory outlets nearby. As I was looking through some of the stuff, a thought occurred to me.

Man what the fuck, all this has no use to you anymore - you can't play ball.

It was a little sad, but true. Why buy more basketball jerseys, shorts and shoes if you can't play the sport anymore? It had become such a habit to just check these things out.

After checking out both stores I still had plenty of time left.

Hey let's go around driving on dodgy roads!!!

And with that, I went for a drive. Decided to try and find that brothel I went to once, with no intent of going inside. Just wanted to see it for the thrill of it. I drove around and around trying to find it and then gave up. Once I was back on the main road I decided to give the next turn a try and found it on that street. It was really, really discreet. You really couldn't tell what it was, and it really didn't stand out yet it managed to say it was open for those who knew.

I then went to that really cheap computer factory outlet place, hoping that cheap LCD monitor would still be there but nup. They had signs everywhere saying a spindle of DVDs were only $15 which was pretty good. I was tempted to buy it and then thought "wait a minute, what do I need that many blank DVDs for?"

I did end up buying some speakers for $9, because the ones I have at home are kinda wonky and you have to adjust the volume button to make sure sound comes out of both speakers.

It was finally time for the game so I drove there. I got there first and watched the games a bit, then Roger and Carter and his friends arrived and I spoke with Roger a bit. Mike didn't come because he was sick and Geoff wouldn't give him a lift fearing that Mike would pass on whatever he had to him, and Abi was in another state.

I told Fat Pat about my knee. He didn't seem to show much concern but I know that's just the way he is. He's quiet like me and keeps everything inside.

We played the Random team, and I didn't think we'd win because they're pretty good. But turns out they were missing some players and one of them was coaching. Guess he was injured too.

I drew up an offensive play which I saw a team execute beforehand, which had Carter posting up down low, point guard would give it to Fat Pat in the corner who kicks it in to Carter and then cuts towards him along the base. It worked once or twice, but we can't do that everytime.

I was really proud of Dunnycan at one stage when he took his time and directed everyone where to go.

To my surprise we managed to stay in the game. Geoff shared the ball a bit more but he still had lapses where he'd try to go one on one and then lose the ball.

With about four minutes to go and down by three, I took Geoff off, presumably for good. What I didn't like was him having a mini-hissy fit and changing into his street clothes. Even though he might be off for good, you never know what could happen - someone can get fouled out and he might have to go back in. It's that type of inexperience that annoys me.

Unfortunately from that point on we went downhill as the other team ran away with the lead and the game. I really couldn't explain it. Maybe it was me taking Geoff off. He is just too much of a double edged sword. He can score, but he can also lose the ball. I don't know what to do with him.

After the game I really wanted to talk to Fat Pat about the game, because I didn't want him to get into another one of those "oh we're gonna lose anyway so what's the point" state of mind. But Fab was talking to me about work, and once I turned to Fat Pat to talk about the game and I think Fab got the point. A little rude I know, but at that moment the game was more important that work gossip.

When I got home I couldn't wait so I tried the new speakers. They look pretty slick, but sound isn't as good as I thought. Guess you get what you pay for.

Knee Day
Able to wake up late on Friday because I had the appointment with the knee surgeon. It was lucky I left about 45 minutes beforehand, because I had a bit of trouble navigating through the hospital. I eventually found it and walked into a small suite with other people waiting, just like my regular doctor. And also just like my regular doctor, this dude was behind schedule. I got there on time and there were about four people who went before me. I had to wait 45 minutes.

I watched as one after another were called in. This dude must be raking it in. I mean, I'm gonna pay him $190 for him to see me for about 10-20 minutes. That's more expensive than a hooker.

I sat there with a sniffling nose. There was an old couple to my left. The wife found something interesting in a magazine and told her husband to read it. He read it and then handed it back. She said there was more and tried to give it to him, but he chucked it back. She laughed it off. Is marriage really like that? I'm sure I'd be annoyed too at that age and after that amount of time being married, but I couldn't help but think that I'd secretly appreciate someone wanting to do good for me.

To my right was a father and daughter pair. I wonder which one of them were injured.

Some guy came in who seemed like a bit of a funny idiot. He came without his referral letter, and straight away went to the toilet.

I was pretty nervous and excited when I was called. No shaking hands or anything, the doctor just led me to his consultation room. He asked how long ago the injury happened, and then asked me to lie down on the bench. He bent my right leg to see how the knee reacted, and then did the same to my left. He said it was a complete tear.

He took a look at the MRI scans and showed me the tear. I couldn't make much of what I saw.

He had all these knee joint models on his desk and showed me one of them, and pointed to a flabby rubber stub which was the ligament I had torn. He asked about the stability of it and I said at first there were times when it was unstable, but now it was pretty stable although sometimes there were aches and awkwardness when I turned corners.

He said it was still early days and said I should give it a month to see if I can strengthen it by doing knee exercises (like cycling and rowing). If I can, then I won't need surgery and I can play basketball, but the question was always going to be how stable it was. If I can't, then I'd have to have a knee reconstruction (which sounds pretty bad) and if I did that then I won't be able to play basketball for six months after that, and he said that was why they called it a season ending injury. I was glad he didn't say "career ending injury".

He gave me some information booklet on the knee joint and surgery and with that he walked me out and I went to the reception to pay my $190 and made an appointment to see him in four weeks.

I was glad I was outta there but at the same time I felt like I didn't get as much value as I should've.

I called GS and went back to work. When I got there, only Rom Rom and her team were there. They asked me out to lunch which I thought was a bit weird, but I declined because I had so much stuff to do for the rest of the afternoon. I had to amend the audio and transcripts of calls, and then at about 4pm I crossed the road to give the other side the CD.

I kept looking at the court building in fear of them closing, and then I did see the revolving doors stop.

Uh oh.

I went back to the building and knocked on the door. Not surprisingly, the guy didn't want to let me back in, and I kept saying I still had all my stuff upstairs, and he rudely said to me "alright I'll give you two minutes". It really didn't make much sense to me - I'm allowed to stay there till 5pm, but I can't go in if they close before that.

I couldn't help but feel a bit shitty with that guy. I see him a lot and we're always polite and say hi to eachother. It was just another reminder that the world can turn into an ugly place rather quickly.

I quickly packed up all my stuff and then went back out to give the CD to the other side. After that I caught the train back to the city. I went to GS' office to drop off something, had a quick chat, then organised to meet Twish for coffee.

I knew I shouldn't because it might give her false hope, but I hadn't seen her all week and I felt like talking to someone. I felt like talking to someone about my knee.

We ended up going to a cafe where we had pizza, even though I knew I was gonna meet Malay and Trevor later for dinner. As we walked thee she asked me why I wasn't there in the morning and I told her I was at the doctor's. She said "oh is this for your basketball?" in what I deemed to be a patronising tone. I guess that'll be another reason why I can never choose her because she doesn't seem to understand how important basketball is to me. Even though I feel a bit distanced from it now, it still remains to be the greatest part of my life.

We talked about work mostly. She asked me what I was doing on the weekend and I didn't give much out, and she said she had to go to this stupid birthday party where people were required to go as cartoon characters. Maybe it's just me, but I keep getting the feeling she wants to meet up on the weekend.

I found conversation to be dying and then she suggested we leave, and we crossed the road and parted. I caught the bus home, replaced my suit with a jumper and left to meet Malay and Trevor.

I was a bit excited at seeing Trevor after all these years. I saw him standing at the bus stop. Immediately, I realised he hadn't changed much. He came over to me and shook my hand.

"Hi, I heard you're a lawyer now, I'm still unemployed."

Ummm...ok.

We did a bit of catching up while waiting for Malay. I noticed he had aged considerably. I wouldn't say he lacked social skills, but he'd say things that you wouldn't expect. I suppose if I had to compare him with anyone it would be Spawn.

Malay finally arrived and I ended up choosing a Malaysian restaurant nearby. Maybe it was a bad choice because the service wasn't really that great. They seemed reluctant to show us our table, and moments after we sat down, they came to us three times asking if we were ready to order.

Ummm...maybe we would be if you left us the fuck alone to read the menu?

Even though I had already eaten, I wasn't discouraged from eating and even finished my meal. Over dinner we mainly talked about primary school. Trevor has a really good memory of it. I can barely remember anything, and same with Malay.

We talked about work. I suppose like anyone who hasn't had much experience in the workforce, he sorta looked up to me, but I tried to show him the reality of it and tell him to do whatever it was that made him happy, almost close to saying that he shouldn't do everything just because his parents tell him to.

I think that apart from his genetically based 'problems', a lot of how he is today has to do with how his mother treated him. I remember that they were really strict with him. What is the point of (s)mothering your child and not letting him experience life on his own? Sure, you can stop him saying the F word at home, but he's gonna hear it outside, and it's just a part of life. Just let him go out there and make friends, make mistakes and learn.

But I guess his parents have always had this set of expectations for him, probably for him to be a doctor like his father. Instead of asking him what he wanted to do, they told him what he should do. And now he's like this.

He even admitted to us that he was in depression because he couldn't find a job. I felt sorry for him, but at the same time I didn't want to become his saviour or anything. I had my own problems.

I sorta shouted dinner. When we went to pay I just told malay I had it, but he chucked in $10 so I wouldn't have to use both $50's. Trevor was a bit embarassed because he only had $10 and we told him not to worry.

We walked back to the bus stop and I parted ways with him as I headed back home.

First day of Pre-hab
Yes, I made that term up. I think.

This morning I got to the gym 10 minutes after it opened, intent on getting on the bike to train up my knee.

Usually I go upstairs, but I spotted a room full of bikes when I came out from the change rooms and thought I'd give them a go, unsure of whether there'd be bikes upstairs. I checked the time table on the wall to make sure there weren't any classes.

I awkwardly hopped on one at the back of the room and started peddling slowly. After a few minutes I noticed a guy at the front on a bike propped up on a stage.

Hmmm...he's not an instructor is he?

Soon, he spoke into his microphone, turned the lights off, the music on, and the class began.

What da f...

He said something about the next hour and I just told myself to get through it, with the main priority of protecting my knee. I was interested to see how they could make a class out of mere cycling, and turns out there are quite a number of variations. He'd make us slow down, speed up, stand up, sit down, sit back and stuff.

It was a bit hard for me to stand and sit while peddling at first, but I got used to it towards the end. I just thought it was funny how everyone was pedding madly while I was just cruising because I didn't want to hurt my knee. I was a bit afraid of the instructor picking me out and telling me to push it. I was pretty sure he could see me, because even though the lights were out, they had these neon sort of lights on which make white things glow in the dark, and I was wearing an almost completely white outfit.

Although the instructor must be given kudos for being so into it, I thought at times it was kinda stupid.

"YEEEAAAAHHH - PUSH IT!!!"

I'm cruising.

"GOOOOO CRRRAAAAAAAAAZY!!!"

I'm cruising.

"WE'RE GOING UP THE HILL, FASTER, PUSH IT!!!!!!"

I'm cruising.

The only bits I followed were the standing and sitting bits, but other than that, I cruised most of the time. People were actually sweating, and I was only getting warm. There were a few hot chicks in there, so it's a bit of an incentive to go next time.

There was one song which I thought was particularly appropriate. Don't know what it was but it had the lyrics "these are mysterious times". Mysterious times indeed. I don't know whether I'll get that job, and I don't know whether I'll have knee surgery.

As I peddled I kept focusing on how this was all very important, because if I can strengthen my knee then I can get back to bball and avoid surgery. I pictured myself as an NBA player behind the scenes trying to get back into shape.

I got a bit annoyed at the instruct when he kept saying "FIIVE MORE MINUTES TO GO!!!" like twenty times. Fucking hell.

After that I went upstairs and did a bit of weights before grabbing some orange juice and a pack of chips from the super market.

I went back home, made breakfast and watched Seinfeld, then headed out to the markets. I mainly went to see if I could bump into that girl, but on the way I figured that buying one of Rod's leather bags would be a great present for DC.

I liked the atmosphere of the place, but there wasn't too much that interested me. I finally saw Rod and we did a bit of catching up. I met his mother too who seems like a nice woman, and I can see where he gets all his life's understanding from. His mother went off to lunch and Rod invited me to sit behind his stall.

Not long after, people started coming from everywhere. This one hot chick ended up buying one of his bags, and a gay Asian guy was trying to decide between two bags. One person thought I worked there and asked me how much one of them were, lol.

I was surprised at how much the bags were. I thought they'd be around $20-30, so you can imagine my shock when Rod told me they were going for like $105. I only had $10 in my wallet, and seeing how busy he was, I promised him I'd come back next week to get the bag.

I saw his mother as I walked back towards the main road and had a short chat with her. We talked a bit about Nom, because obviously Rod had told her about our experiences there. She said one thing that stuck in my mind: "how can she make other people happy if she's not happy?"

I think I'll pair this with Abby's "those who aren't loved never learn to love" line.

I spent the next few minutes wondering if I was happy, and whether I was able to pass on happiness to others.

The devil got the better of me as I headed to the casino. I withdrew $400 and played a few spins, walking away with a $285 gain. Great, that will cover DC's present.

I hung around a while because I put my ticket in the barrel for the $50,000 draw. I was pretty sure I wouldn't get picked, but it was exciting waiting for it anyway. Some guy got picked and ended up winning like $3,000. God, if that was me it'd take care of a big part of my credit card debt.

Shuing had called, so I called him back. He invited me out to dinner and bolowing tonight, but was a bit vague as to who was going so I said I'd call him back. I later sent a message declining.

I went to Myer to look for a business shirt. I have lost one or two white ones, due to damage, or just plain lost it. One of them was a really nice one too, so that's a shame. I set out to get that exact same one, and found it at $60. It was a bit steep for me but I got it anyway.

I also went to JB's to check out their movies and ended up getting Babel. I went to the food court and had fish and chips.

All that cycling and walking around the city today really has my knee tired.

Silent days

2009-07-01T21:59:00.003+10:00

I had a really healthy day yesterday. Woke up, had a glass of orange juice, got some bread from the Asian bakery for breakfast, had my sandwich for lunch, grabbed an apple from the fruit markets and then milk at the end of the day. Pretty good huh?

At the train station to work, I bumped into Ares, and we talked a bit. I told him about my knee, hoping he would've had some similar experience, but unfortunately not. The closest he had was something like bone grinding against bone in his knee.

When I got off the train I bumped into that guy I met once at a YL meeting who works in my area. We had a small chat before we parted as I made my way for breakfast.

There was no court, so I spent the entire day by myself listening to telephone calls. So peaceful.

In the latter half of the day I started getting a bit panicky about the job application. I kept looking at my phone and checking it for any missed calls or messages. I messaged Bush asking if she knew of any news, and she called me moments later thinking I sent it because I got an offer. But nope, no one in her office had heard anything either. I suppose that's not exactly bad news.

I sent a message to Twish saying "End of June my ass" and later that night she sent me this long email in reply basically whinging about something and asking me for something work related.

At home I thought about going to the gym but felt that my shoulder blade was still sore. I even considered pushing on, but thought the better of it considering the current state of my body.

Today we had court for a bit. I stayed back after most people left and spent a considerable amount of stress on finding something for GS. Luckily I found it. I was so happy when I found it within the paperwork lying around on his desk.

In the afternoon I went to his office to drop some things off. We talked about the client's request to see us tomorrow, and I told him I suspected it had something to do with DC playing a bigger role, and GS just outright said no.

This all started (from what I know anyway) in the last conference when the client raised the issue and I suspect it was because of something DC had said to him. Why do I have that suspicion? Because DC once questioned whether GS was on top of the computer stuff, and also the client wasn't really asking for DC to play a bigger role, he just raised the issue and asked us to sort it out.

I really don't like how DC is playing these little political games. He's letting his ego come into the equation. What's wrong with just leaving things as it is? What's wrong with being patient and waiting your turn? Surely everyone should wait before their time comes? This is just part of a learning curve we're all in.

I don't want to get into the middle of all this, but if forced, I will side with GS. Not because he got me this job, but because it really doesn't add anything. It's always the senior one who takes the lead, with every team. What does giving DC a go achieve? On the flip side, because of his lesser experience, we'd be more exposed in terms of risks. And it's not like he hasn't been given nothing, he did get the telephone bit.

Shuing had asked me on Sunday whether I wanted to go speed dating with him. After some thinking I agreed, but then his friend tried to book for me and it was full. Today he messaged me saying he was sick and asked if I wanted to take his place. I didn't really want to go without him so I said no.

I had a bit of KFC in the city, then went home where I enjoyed a pie, orange juice and some chocolate moose while watching Seinfeld. Later on I went to the gym. Question whether I'm going now because of fitness, or if it's just become a place where I can be alone with my thoughts.

I was feeling a little bit athletic, so I feigned a slight jog and it was ok. I tried a little jump, and the take off was ok, but the soft landing hurt my knee. Ok, still not ready.

I thought a bit about my appointment with the knee surgeon on Friday. That will decide a lot.

And again, no call from the job application today either. It's silent days.

My 27th

2009-06-29T22:32:00.003+10:00

Late yesterday afternoon DC picked me up and we went to GS' office. We just sat there talking about the case. I don't even think I needed to be there, and started feeling guilty because I was coughing and didn't want to pass on any germs.

Today I went to drop off my car for servicing. The guy seemed really friendly as he asked for any problems I may have had with the car. I did think it was a little odd, but dismissed it as my own paranoia and him being just a nice person.

I walked home and then DC picked me up to go to work. I had to accept a lift from him because he had the 25 folders in his car and needed help with them. God they were heavy. I was half struggling with it as we walked from the car park to the court building. I wondered whether I would've still been able to carry it if I was not a gym person.

I spent the minutes leading up to the start of court doing last minute adjustments to the folders, and even had to ask GS to give one to the Crown because I was too busy.

When I went upstairs to court GS said someone from the Crown wanted to talk to me about it so I went up to Elizabeth and she seemed upset that I had sent the email detailing the amendments at 1am on Sunday. I had noticed the hot para looking at me as I walked past and she was still watching me. I could feel my face blush as Libby expressed her frustration.

In hindsight, I could've said that: 1) I couldeither email it Sunday 1am or Monday 8am - take your pick; and 2) her barista had sent a thank you email in reply so it's obvious they received it with at least 24 hours notice.

I tried to tell myself to stop blushing, and even told myself not to care about the hot para anymore because she was obviously on the other side and couldn't sympathise with the viewpoints of the defence. I heard her laughing as she talked to another female sol from their side.

We didn't sit very long at all because apparently one of the accused is suspected of having the swine flu. This got alarm bells ringing in my head.

Did I have it? Had I passed it onto him? Or maybe I could've caught it from him? Fucking hell, I knew my year was going to get worse. If I wasn't going to die from AIDS, I was going to die from the swine flu.

After we finished, we talked a bit with the computer guy and then I went to the medical centre nearby. Is aw Ren Ren there and we had a bit of a chat. I did my swabs and then went back to court to do some work.

DC gave me a lift back. He offered to drive me to the car dealership to pick up my car but I said I needed to go home first to get some money off my mom and he suggested lending me his money. I was totally against that so I kept saying no, and then he deliberately forgot to turn into my home and went straight to the dealership. He waited for me while I paid, and luckily I had enough.

Two points:

1) Although I accept that he's a nice guy, I think he's being too nice and it's becoming a bit suss. Is he trying to get me onto his side for political purposes to use against GS? The other thing about being too nice is that, it becomes a lot easier for someone to not respect you.

2) No wonder the car dealership guy was being so nice. The more problems I specified, the more reasons they had to 'fix' things and charge me for it. Like, I wanted my volume button on the steering wheel fixed, but I didn't know it was going to be $250! They said they couldn't just replace the button - they had to replace the whole thing. Fucking hell. And then I had to get a new rear tyre because it was deflating a lot faster than usual and turned out there was a puncture in it.

So now I see it - they get you to buy their cars and sign you up on their agreement, which contracts you to give your car to them for periodic servicing and each time you go, they try to make as much money off you as possible.

It makes so much sense now! Why didn't I think of it before? Lack of life experience I suppose. But now I know.

After that I went home, then headed out to the shopping centre near me, intending to try out that nachos fries shop and maybe watch Transformers again. The food court was closed so I just had Macca's, and then I bought myself a ticket to Transformers and a medium popcorn and coke.

As good as the movie is, I think it was too soon after my first viewing, and I suspected this even before I bought the ticket. I think it would've been better if I had waited about a week before seeing it again. But eh, it was my birthday, and I allowed myself to do whatever I wanted (except gambling and whoring).

After the movie I went home and had dinner with mom and sister.

Transformers 2

2009-06-28T11:20:00.004+10:00

On Thursday (or maybe eve a litte bit before that) I had sub-consciously decided to smile at that hot para next time we made eye contact. So early on in the day when my client called me over, I walked to the dock and as usual, she sat at the computer staring/looking at me.

I smiled but noticed that her face didn't change, it was still the same stare, and that brought my confidence down IMMEDIATELY. My smile turned into a half-smile which could've passed as a smile to myself or the situation.

Maybe I didn't smile big enough for her. Maybe she didn't think I was smiling at her. I don't know. But I was quite upset after that. I kept thinking how I had just given all my power away, and how it was just another perfect example of someone losing interest as soon as you showed interest in them. And because of all that, I decided that I'd ignore her for the rest of my time here.

But as the day went along, I softened up. I was starting to convince myself that perhaps she really hadn't of seen the smile on your face. Maybe she just didn't know how to react.

There was another time when during a break I was talking to my client, and as I turned to walk away, she was coming from the opposite direction and we met face to face. I smiled and she looked down. Again, it deprived me of confidence, but as the day went on, I started thinking that it may be a good thing. I mean, when you make eye contact with a girl and she looks up, then you have no hope. But if she looks down, maybe it means she's shy.

Sometimes my lack of confidence is due to me underestimating myself. Because I see me, I know me. And there is nothing great, or even good about that. But that's not how she sees it. All she knows is that you're a young lawyer who tends to wear a black tie and white shirt most of the time. She might imagine that you drive a BMW, live by yourself and can look after yourself fairly well, and that you have this great great career and make lots and lots of money. She doesn't know you live with your family and that anyone who comes into your house will smell the cats.

That's one concept I will need to get my head around in the dating game.

Also, as the day went on I got sicker and sicker. My flu was getting worse. By the end of the day I just sat in court looking stoned and totally out of it. When GS and DC left, I had to stay behind to wait for a fax and I just wanted to go to sleep - anywhere.

Picturing the cold cold night at 10pm, I decided not to go to the game. I messaged some of the guys saying I wasn't going to be there.

I caught the train home, had dinner and then went to bed. That was a lot of sleep in one night.

On Friday DC picked me up and we went out to the jails to get a folder from the client. Bumped into Lai at the jails, I introduced him to DC. Even though it's always going to be awkward with Lai around, DC seemed to understand and made polite conversation. I was kinda embarassed when Lai said stuff like how Nom shouldn't have let me go and how I used to work seven days a week. DC made the (reality) point that firms really can't afford to pay people to stay, no matter how good they are.

After the conference, we drove out to see the computer expert. I was kinda mad that we (or the state anyway) were paying for all this, because it was just to help the expert prepare for court seeing that he has never been in court before. Like, if this company gave us a more experienced person we wouldn't have spent this much money.

We were at the conference longer than I had wanted. I was: 1) upset that the expert was getting paid; 2) it was more like we were teaching him than him teaching us; and 3) I was getting a headache.

After that DC dropped me off in the city, I went to the courts to do some work, went home, and I got a bit of rest and then changed to meet Malay so we could head out to the city for Transformers. I had told Scope that we should get the tickets early because it might be full, but he said we'd meet up an hour early to get it. So when Malay and I got there, not to my surprise it was all full. Every single session.

My plan B was to watch it at another cinema, so I called up Scope and Brain who were still at their bus stop and told them to meet us there. We waited for Thai, and told him what had happened. He was pretty upset because nearly everyone other than Brain (who was supposed to get the tickets early) could've gotten the tickets earlier that day. I told him we had no option but to try the other cinema, and Thai was a bit reluctant, but couldn't come up with a better solution. I felt like I had taken charge of this group, suggesting and implementing a change in plans, and that without me they would've just stood around continuously wondering what to do.

So the three of us walked towards the next cinema, and about halfway there Scope calls me and tells us it's full as well. So we ended up meeting there anyway and then had Oporto's for dinner. Malay told me that the guys were going paint balling the next day presumably with Ele and Tracy, something I had no idea about and didn't expect to be told anyway. I do wonder what the others think of my absence, since Bob is obviously playing the ignorant card.

We talked about video games mainly, and at one point Thai asked me why I didn't go to Bob's house warming. I was caught totally off guard and couldn't come up with an excuse, so I just said I didn't feel like going. I wonder if he just asked out of curiousity or if he had suspected I didn't get along with Bob. I don't have a problem telling him, but I don't want to say it if the other person doesn't feel the same way because otherwise it'll just seem like I'm talking bad about him behind his back.

We walked all the way back to the main area of the city and had ice cream on the main street. Thai's wife later joined us because she had come from a work party nearby. Thai said she had just recently been made redundant. I sort of envy his situation because even though he has no money at all and works as a cleaner, he managed to find a girl who loves him who he KNOWS doesn't like him for money.

After we finished Gurang came around from his uni friends or something, and Thai and his wife left and Gurang drove the rest of us home. I could see what Malay meant when he said that Gurang becomes very physical when drunk.

I spent most of yesterday working at home. I had volunteered to be the one to get the tickets for Transformers. My plan was to get the work done, go check out the markets in Glebe, print out my work, then buy the tickets. But it took so much longer than I had expected that by 1:30pm I called Scope up and asked if he could get the tickets.

Later in the afternoon I went out to the shopping centre to do the print outs, and then continued working when I got back home. I seriously worked until it was time to meet Malay, and even then I wasn't completely finished.

I met Malay at my bus stop, we caught the bus out to the city, met up with Scope and Brain and then went to KFC for dinner. It didn't have the same appeal to me anymore, mainly because I now know that I gotta cut down on the junk food because of reduced exercise. Scope and I were rpetty shocked to see the place was leaking water from the ceiling, and I joked how it was such a classy place to take a girl.

Thai met up with us later and then we finally got to see Transformers!!! It was so exciting! When Scope was handing out the tickets to us I felt like a teenager again. I couldn't believe I was so excited to see a movie like this.

We sat in the middle and I was at one end of the group and wondered which stranger would be sitting next to me as I was sure it'd be a full house. A coupel sat down next to me but then were asked to move because they had taken the wrong seats, only to be replaced by another couple. The girl next to me leaned on her boyfriend's shoulder for the whole time, which was pretty unbelievable. I also noticed the couple in front, and wondered (for the 582th time) how such an ugly guy could get a decent looking girl like that.

The good thing about movies like these is that everyone is so excited about it that they're all on their best behaviour. No one talked, no phones went off. It was like respect for the film.

I must say, the movie was HOT! Isabel Lucas was HOT! Even though there was a lot of action and fighting scenes, I couldn't get enough. I was told it was around two hours something, but I wanted more. I felt it getting a bit long but I didn't care. I sat there wondering whether they should've just made it into a four hour movie with a break in between, kinda like half time at a sports event.

The movie was so bloody amazing. I sat there with my eyes glued to the screen the whole friggin' time. It was just so damn cool! I MUST get this on DVD!!!

When the movie finished we stayed behind to see if there was anything after the credits, but there wasn't. I then said "oh so when I stay they don't do it" and the girl next to me looked at me and laughed, even though I had only meant to say it to my group.

I came out of the movie saying it was the best movie ever, even though I knew it wasn't. Fuck that, I'm gonna go see it again.

We wanted to go for coffee but all the places were closing (one big contrast between Australia and HK) so we went to Macca's. After that Malay and Thai went to meet with Gurang to go to his house for video games and I went to the bus stop with Scope and Brain. As we were talking, I remembered how in high school I had actually teased them about how pale they were, and it was then that I appreciated them for being so nice and never hating me for it. I think I was a bit of a bully back then.

I got home at like 1am, did some work, and because my laptop (or Vista) is so slow, I ended up going to sleep at like 2am or something.

Woke up today to a dream of me going to the massage girl's house, and upon opening her door there were two guys, and one of them was putting his shirt on. Maybe it's a hint of things to come if I were to ever pursue that path?

Had to rush to the shopping centre to do some last minute printing because I realised a mistake I made, and then DC picked me up at 9am to take the stuff to the photocopiers. There was a really attractive girl working there, and even though DC was as per his usual funny self, I didn't see any reactions from her. Guess it's different for everyone.

Preliminary thoughts on knee

2009-06-24T20:30:00.003+10:00

Yesterday I kept working on the transcripts. Our computer expert and another computer expert attended as well, and while our one mainly spent his time in court watching, the other had to wait in the office because he could’ve been called at any moment. I was working away and he comes over and starts talking, and I thought he’d figure out I was busy, but he ended up dragging me to his room to show me something and then we talked a bit more there before I finally walked away back to my work.

I didn’t even get to have lunch because at lunch time I was so close to finishing I thought I’d go later, but when I finished at around 3 I thought I’d just go give it to GS. We gave it to the Crown and they were friendly enough to photocopy it for us, and I knew they’d get the paras to bring it back. I was hoping for the hot para to be the one.

Sure enough, while GS, DC and I were talking to our expert, I hear a knock on the door and head over. It was the hot para and her friend. I noticed she stood back a distance, and her friend gave me the folder and asked if I had a CD to give them. I went back to retrieve my CD and she asked if they could keep it or if they had to give it back and I said they could keep it. While talking I kept looking over at the hot para who was smiling and looking at me the whole time. But the way she looked at me reminded me of the same way Darth Vader first looked at me when we sorta met outside class. It’s more of an analysing stare rather than a checking out look, as if taking in and recording my every motion and expression.

After work I had a Subway sandwich in the city because I was so hungry, then went home, bummed around a bit before going to the gym, even though I didn’t really feel like going because I had a sore and flemmy throat. I felt so out of it and was worried my body would look completely fat but to my surprise I still looked pretty much like I did before. But I knew one thing for sure – now that I’ve stopped running I’m going to have to watch what I eat all the time.

I was also having some preliminary thoughts about my knee. I thought that if I didn’t get the job, I would spend the time doing the surgery and rehab, maybe getting a job at a supermarket or something. If I get the job, well, then, good I guess, and surgery will have to be put back a year. But I also did some light research on partially torn ACLs, instead of just torn ACLs, and it seems that it may be possible for partial tears to recover and grow back. I guess that’s one question I gotta ask when I go see the knee surgeon.

Lunch with Rom Rom

2009-06-24T20:14:00.003+10:00

I woke up today thinking of the hot para. Uh oh. That's not good.

Returned to court today after a two day absence, nothing special really. Just after it had started I was at the dock talking to my client and when I was walking back, I looked at the public gallery and saw the hot para. She was in the process of doing something with her neck, like stretching it, and she was looking at me. Our eyes met and I almost felt like smiling at her, but didn't.

I was pretty happy and couldn't help but start smiling to myself, but hopefully for anyone who saw it they might just think I was laughing at one of DC's jokes.

At lunch I asked Rom Rom if she wanted to go with Twish and I, and she said yes, but when I asked Twish she said she had to be in a conference. I wasn't sure if Rom Rom wanted to go if it was just the two of us, but turned out she did, so off we went.

We went to that cafe around the corner, and sat down and started eating. Halfway through the hot para and her friend came by. I looked at the hot para, and made sure ONLY the hot para, and smiled, and she smiled back.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, lucky I was here with Rom Rom and not just Twish, otherwise it would've really seemed like Twish and I had something going on. I'm sure they would've thought it was weird to see me having lunch with Rom Rom, with her being an older (and married) woman, and we don't really seem to talk to eachother much in court.

So yeah, that was my highlight of the day. It's making me feel all tingly inside now as I think about it, hehe.

After the lunch break I had to go with he computer expert to print some stuff out and he started talking to me about his private life. He said he had just met a girl, and he had broken up with his girlfriend of seven years. He said they both felt that they knew eachother too well...wtf?

I am seriously getting the shits with DC. This morning he told me he wanted to make more changes to the telephone stuff I finished yesterday, and I mean, like, I had given it to the Crown and everything, and now you want to change? Didn't we go through this process a few weeks back when we made up our minds?

I don't know, I just find myself being instinctively adverse to anything he says from now on, as if I have something personal against him, like how I felt towards Nom. Or beginning to head that way.

After court GS, DC, the computer expert and I were sitting down discussing something, and I found out that DC really doesn't like being put in the backseat. GS was leading the discussion and didn't want to go off-track when DC made a suggestion, and then DC sort of sat there pouting. I feel that he has let his ego into the equation, and that he lacks patience. Even when he asks me to do things, he wants them done straight away, despite me obviously doing something urgent.

Was so glad I got away from it all after work. I went to get my usual milk. I'm getting less bloated from it now, and it doesn't cause any bad stomach experiences anymore. Maybe I'm getting used to it.

Darth Vader on the train?

2009-06-23T08:25:00.002+10:00

I tried to get out of the house as early as I could yesterday, and I ended up leaving at 7:20 but I had to go get my weekly ticket and some breakfast at Macca’s, so ended up at the train station at close to 8:00 which was a bit disappointing.

When I boarded the train I went to the upper carriage and sat right at the back, which was facing the reverse positioned seats. I noticed a blonde lady sit down in one of those seats facing me, and I thought she might have been looking my way but I didn’t look back. I spent half the trip on my laptop, but when I looked up, I noticed she looked a lot like Darth Vader. I tried to think about what she looked like in uni, and also at the bar I saw her a couple of years ago. At the bar she had really short, curly hair. Now, this lady had short, straight hair with black rimmed glasses.

At first I tried to keep my looks discreet, but as I thought more and more about it, I became more obvious. I wasn’t afraid if she looked my way or not, because I wanted to see her eyes. She was listening to music, and mainly looked out the window. But she did notice me looking and would sometimes look at the staircase next to me or her eyes would stop at me when looking across. Sometimes she looked down to her left at the ground, with a small peaceful smile on her face. I don’t have enough confidence in myself to think that that was because of me, but even if you don’t accept that, I can at least say she wasn’t hostile in response to my looks.

I really couldn’t see her eyes clearly, but I think they were green, whereas Darth Vader had blue eyes. This lady also had brown eyebrows, whereas I remember one of Darth Vader’s distinct features was her blonde and therefore almost invisible eyebrows. I tried to look for freckles and think I may have spotted some.

Could this be her? Could this really be her? If it is, why do we keep meeting after years and years of separation? Is there really such a thing called fate?
We got off at the same stop, and the better part of me couldn’t resist but see where she worked. If she went to that same office, then obviously it was her. But then again, it’s pretty obvious she’s moved on as people don’t really work in the same place for more than 2-3 years these days, especially if it’s their first job. I followed her amongst the crowd to one of the new high rise buildings. I tried to match the way she walked with how she walked in uni, and it didn’t seem to match. God, if this wasn’t her then she must’ve been thinking I was trying to crack onto her.

I spent the whole day out of court yesterday, working on the whole of the transcripts. Even though I had finished my part, I was fixing up DC’s parts which was really like starting all over again. Don’t get me wrong, he did a fair amount of work, but when I checked it against the audio I noticed some were wrong, far out. I also got a bit upset because I was rushing to get them done all in one day and I had DC telling me to do other things that weren’t as urgent. What really irked me was when he told me to think of a way to present the large large spreadsheet we had. What irked me more was the way he said it, which was with a point of the finger as he walked away from it. It reminded me of Nom. I think that’s where older people really learn to separate themselves – they can ask you do to things without making you feel like a slave.

I think GS could tell I was a bit stressed because during a break, he said to me “you’re doing good there”, even though I knew he was just saying it to comfort me.
I went to lunch with Twish, and we saw Rom Rom there who sat down with us for a chat. I always thought she was happy getting lunch for RB but when we asked her to join us she seemed pretty annoyed that she had to get his lunch everyday. Twish talks so loud, and about things that are so pertinent to our case that it’s sometimes embarrassing. Like she was talking about RM and Rom Rom had to whisper and remind her that RM was also at the same cafe having lunch. She also told me that she doesn’t think PL is going to write her a very good reference, or a reference at all, because they had a bit of an argument. I wonder really why she keeps getting into arguments with her baristas.

I did manage to pop into court very late in the day, to give GS something he was waiting urgently for. I went in without my suit and DC joked about it. I knew he liked distractions like me coming into court. I also saw the hot para there but didn’t look at her.

After work I went for my now usual milk again, then went home and did some more work. I wanted to go to the gym but couldn’;t because my mom cooked very late. I haven’t been since I hurt my shoulder blade, but it feels good now, and I think I’m getting a bit fat so I gotta try and go soon.

Fright Night

2009-06-21T22:40:00.002+10:00

On Saturday I wanted to go out to the markets for a chance meeting with that girl I met from A's wedding, and also to see Rod, but it was raining and I figured I wouldn't have much luck even if the markets were put out.

I stayed at home and finished the work on the transcripts! Glad that was done. Around lunchtime I went out to get half a chicken, brought it back home to eat with bread and watched The Butterfly Effect 2. The chicken wasn't the type I wanted, but I didn't feel like going to the supermarket to get the type I wanted, and the movie kinda sucked. I couldn't really pin point it, but it just wasn't as good as the first. I think I spent more time trying to decide whether Erica Durance was hot or not.

I had a bit of a lie down and then got ready for the dinner with library guy and co. Some fucker parked on the street blocking my drive way, and I saw the Chinese people next door returning home so I asked if they knew who owned the car, and they said no. So I thought it might be a guest of one of my neighbours so I went and knocked on Chris' door, and he said he saw someone Asian parking there but didn't think they'd leave it like that.

Aha! So it WAS the fucking embassy next door!

I thanked him and proceeded to go back downstairs. As I walked back to my car I saw them getting into their car and moving it out of the way. Fucking idiots. I got into my car and drove off, and I was so mad at first. I mean, who the fuck is selfish enough to block someone else's drive way?? It was probably that same fucking car as last time which made me scratch my car. I really wanted to have a go at them.

But as I drove on, I started feeling a bit better. I really enjoy driving and listening to Relapse.

I got to the restaurant half an hour late, which would've only been 15 minutes really had they not fucking blocked my drive way. I called library guy and he came downstairs to meet me, and then took me upstairs to the restaurant.

It really wasn't something I was looking forward to, because you know, Yoj was annoying and all that. I first saw V there when I approached the table, and said hi to him, but library guy had the seat next to him, and there was only one seat left for me, which was up at the front and next to an old lady. Found out (even though I would've figured it out eventually because they look so much alike) that she was Yoj's mother.

The guy sitting opposite me was an Indian with a medium accent, who worked for the official boss, so you kinda felt the separation there. Fam was the boss by money, and then there was a boss on the papers.

The night was a LOT more enjoyable than I had expected. It was like a comedy dinner thing, where about six comedians dressed up as ghostly characters and sang and performed skits. It was very interactive as they kept walking around our tables, and pulling people out from the crowd and getting people to sing.

There was a really, really cute girl at our table. When I intially sat down, I saw her looking at me and I got a little interested until I figured out she was Fam's girlfriend. But wow, she was really cute. Pity that he goes out to brothels, but I suppose when you're born with a silver spoon you can do whatever you like and the girl will still stay with you. I knew I had no hope and so gave up any thoughts.

Yoj didn't annoy me that much because her mother was sitting in between us and so she couldn't talk to me much. She told me about how one of the guys I met last time who was also at the dinner had to put a client in the witness box. It sounded so good and impressive, until you realise they were just doing the old dodgy thing of sending students to do a lawyer's work.

I spoke to the Indian guy across from me for a bit, and I couldn't help but feel somewhat superior. I presumed he was a nobody in crim law, and here I was thinking so highly of myself because I was involved in this big case. I know, it's arrogance.

Because I sat at the front of the table, which was right in the middle of the stage, I got a lot of attention from the performers, which was sometimes unwanted because it was embarassing. Like one guy kept coming up to me and putting the microphone in my face inviting me to sing. But sometimes it was good, cause the hot girl came up to me a couple of times and started singing in front of me, and I felt a bit like I was at a strip club. I wondered what she looked like without all that powder, make up and fake hair.

There was another girl who I thought wasn't that hot, but at the end of the show she was wearing a very revealing dress and had a 'normal' wig on, and she was HOT! Far out, unbelievable.

At one stage everyone stood up to follow the performer's dance moves, and as I was doing it I felt my sides cramp up. Great, this is what I've been reduced to.

There was a bit where they started pulling people from the crowd to get up on stage to dance, and I was so scared they'd pick me, but luckily they only seemed to pick the 'big' people from each table, and so since they knew Fam was the boss, they took him. He was quite a whacky and playful guy, and like I've said before, I didn't really know him well in uni, so I'm still learning things about him. All I know and don't like about him is how he tends to take short cuts. He's a business person, not a lawyer.

I did end up getting pulled onto the stage in the second half of the night, but luckily it was just for a game. Library guy got pulled up as well, but he was on the other team. So there were two teams of four, and the first game we played was like a relay where we had to pass a carrot from one person to the other and back as fast as we could. The challenge? We had to do it without using our hands. So we put the carrot in between our legs and passed it along like that.

The blonde girl was first and she passed it to me and I passed it to a very tall girl and she passed it to another guy.

The next game was the same, although we also had to pass a small orange at the same time starting from the opposite end. So we passed the orange by squeezing it between our chin and chest while on the other end the carrot was being passed between the legs. I had to cheat a bit because it was so hard, so I had my hand ready to catch the orange if it fell. Because the other girl was so tall, when I tried to pass her the orange it fell, and I caught it and tried to put it in between her chin and chest and accidentally touched her chest.

Yikes!

The other thing I realised on stage was that you really couldn't see the crowd clearly. Because there was so much lighting focused on the stage, everything outside of the stage was just darkness. So when I sat there at my table feeling so vulnerable because I was right in front of them, they actually couldn't see me very clearly.

We had a couple of group photos with the cast, one normal one and one where we're all throwing our arms up in the air, and I ended up buying the smaller version of them, while Fam bought a big one for the office and I encouraged him to get one they took of him and his girlfriend.

At the end I danced a bit when everyone else got up, and I decided to leave after the cast retired backstage, even though everyone else continued dancing. It was an enjoyable night, even though the food was shit house and I had to fork out $50 (which was pretty worth it given that they entertained us for about four hours).

Again, I really enjoyed the drive back listening to my music. I don't really know what it is about driving that makes it enjoyable, but I find that it allows me to think.

Today I was woken up by my mobile phone ringing, and it was GS. He asked if I could see him at his office, and I said yes and got ready without eating breakfast. When I got there he just asked me a few questions, obviously still bothered by this ethical issue.

Even though we were really early, we drove out to the jails and had lunch at the shopping centre nearby. On the drive there he asked me about my knee and I told him what the diagnosis had been, and he told me about how his wife had torn both her ACLs and managed to recover without surgery. He seemed to caution me against surgery, saying it was a big decision, and I wondered if he was right, seeing that his wife recovered from it. I had always thought that it'd be a minor and straight forward type of thing.

While we were just sitting around, he admitted to me that this had been really bothering him to the extent of affecting his memory. I wonder if it's him, or if objectively it really is that serious.

DC arrived later and then Michael D arrived as well. We headed off to the jails and the client was pretty angry. I think he didn't like the fact that we were all there when he was just expecting DC and me. And he really only sees Michael D when things are serious. After we talked about the important things, GS and Michael D left, and I could see DC relate to the client more as a friend than as a client.

The client said he didn't like Michael D anymore, and although I wasn't all that surprised, I was surprised at how he couldn't understand it. Obviously if Michael D had stayed in it and never hired me then he wouldn't be saying that, but can't he see that Michael D is just too busy and that I'm just hired to do his case?

We got kicked out at 3pm, we forgot that it closed early on the weekends. DC gave me a lift home, and he suggested that one way to help GS would be for GS to spread the workload more. I knew this was a way for him to try and get more court action, and probably just because of that, I found myself being adverse to his suggestion. Should GS spread the workload more? Maybe. But GS is senior enough to know what he is doing.

I still see DC as kinda junior, so I tend to accept the advice, knowledge, experience and wisdom of GS over DC.

Speed dating

2009-06-20T11:25:00.005+10:00

Bit of a funny start to yesterday. Before court began, the client called me over and said there was a lady sitting in the public gallery wearing sunglasses, who he saw come out of the judge's room and then talk to the police. I went back to DC and typed up the message on my laptop to show him, prefaced with the words "don't look now...", so a few moments later he turned around to pretend to get some documents and then turns back to me and says "that's his wife you fucking idiot!" LOL!

Wonder why the judge asked his wife to come along. Seems like this is such a big case everyone is bringing their family in to see.

I didn't see the hot para at all yesterday. Wonder what she's doing. I would've thought that since their case had finished there wouldn't be much left to do.

We only had a half day, but when we finished DC suggested we (him, me and GS) go out to lunch. Even though I had brought my own lunch, I said yes because I thought they wanted to talk about the case. Whilst we were getting ready, GS pulled out saying he just wanted to go back to his office in the city. Made me a little concerned, because I thought he was still too worried about that ethical dilemma. I know he's sorta like me in that he probably prefers to be by himself, but I also feared that he may suffer from depression, because I remember DC found a book in his trolley called "The Black Dog" or something. Also, it's a statistical fact that lawyers rank pretty high in terms of depression.

Anyway, I stayed back by myself the rest of the day working on transcriptions. I had to go see GS at his office afterwards because he wanted me to type up a letter, which was another small flag for me. I got there a bit late so by the time I arrived he was ready to leave and had already typed up and emailed me the letter. But we stayed there for a bit as I suggested amendments to the letter.

Shuing had called me earlier to see if I wanted to meet up, so I called him back and organised to meet him near the Apple store. On my way there I called up Malay, who said he was headed into the city and might meet up with us for KFC. I found Shuing in the Apple store and we walked down the main street in the city to Star Bucks to wait for Malay.

I ended up telling him the reason I was staying away from the group, because he pressed for it. He thought I was trying to avoid Michelle, lol. He said Bobby he's asked Bobby before and Bobby just said he didn't know, which was what I knew he'd do.

We had a pretty good chat, talking about racism in Australia, A's wedding, the girl I met there, how I saw Rodney the day before. As we sat there talking, I felt that the blonde girl sitting at the table in front of me was looking at me, but everytime I looked she was just talking to the guy she was with, so I dismissed it as my imagination.

Then later, the guy turned around and waved at me, and it was Heath from uni. He came over and we started talking, and I thought this was going to be a bit awkward because I never knew him that well and his girlfriend was there and everything. Oh, and I had also forgotten his name, so I couldn't introduce him to Shuing.

Luckily, Shuing introduced himself and I caught his name, and to my surprise, Shuing started talking to his girlfriend which felt like a big load was taken off my shoulders because I only had Heath to talk to. We just talked a bit about where we were working, and I told him a bit about my case and asked for his views on a particular issue. One small thing I noticed during our conversation was that he placed his finished cup of coffee on our table. But I mean, it wasn't a big deal or anything, he had finished it, so he put it down.

The other thing that struck me as a little odd was when it was like five to seven, I said "oh, you gotta get to your movie eh?" which was at seven, and he was like "nah, it's ok, they usually just have previews first anyway". I don't know man, but I like to get in there five to ten minutes before the start time.

After they left, I told Shuing that he was a really nice guy and had the misfortune of having been sexually abused as a child. Shuing said that he thought the guy was a little odd, bringing up the coffee cup thing which he noticed too. So it wasn't just me.

Malay finally turned up, and we went to get KFC. He had a dinner to go to so he could only get something small. We went up to what might be our usual spot now, upstairs at the back. We talked about G and how he chickened out of asking that waitress for her number, haha. Even though I hadn't been with them as a group for a while, it was like we didn't miss a beat, and it felt good to be together again.

We walked Malay to his dinner venue, and on the way I asked Shuing why they didn't have their usual group thing on a Friday night. He said because Bobby returns late on Friday nights, and that he (Shuing) now hangs out more with his work mates. For some reason it gave me a bit of pleasure in knowing that the group thing could not be sustained without me. I wonder if Bobby regrets what he did.

When we got to Malay's dinner venue, we parted ways with him but it started raining, so we decided to sit down for ice cream. Shuing told me he went on a speed dating thing recently, after his friend invited him along. I was really surprised that he'd go, because I never saw him as the type. But moreover, I never saw him as desperate, and still didn't see him that way even after he told me, contrary to my previous views that people who went to those things were usually desperate.

The main point that came across which he was quite proud of (and rightfully so) was that after talking to 18 (EIGHTEEN!) girls in a row, he no longer had a fear of talking to girls, no matter how how they were, and he brought up Heath's girlfriend earlier in the night as an example. I mean, wow, like, I know that's what happens after practice, but I just couldn't believe I was hearing it in practice, and it was coming from one of my closest friends! So there you go, another little thing I noticed (Shuing talking to Heath's girlfriend) that tied in with something else (Shuing's speed dating).

He told me how his friend had earlier invited another guy, and when that guy didn't get any matches he stopped talking to his friend, and I was like "wtf? It's not the friend's fault he didn't get any matches!" and Shuing was like "yeah, that's the point, you're confident, so you know it's not your friend, but this guy wasn't". I was surprised he said I was confident with girls, seeing at how I'm such a failure with even the hot para.

Shuing got a few matches himself, but when he texted one of the girls for a further date, she texted back a friendly rejection, and I just said that maybe another guy got to her first.

I told him I was interested to go if he went again, and he sounded like he would. I don't know, at that moment I didn't see it as a desperate thing, I saw it more as a dare/social experiment thing, but I know if I told the younger guys like Fat Pat and Dunnycan, then they would say I was being desperate. When I said that to Shuing I had the secret confidence within me, but I knew that if I had actually booked and everything, I'd be pissing my pants and scared shitless. So I really give him kudos for going through with it.

Shuing said he started off being nervous, but it got easier as he went along. God I know everyone says that, but it's just something I'm too scared to do. Like I told Shuing, it was like walking across hot coal. He had now gotten to the other side, but I was still here, too scared to walk on the coal.

He did say though, that you had to keep up the practice. Like, the dayr or two after the confidence would still be there, but after that you sort of go back to your 'normal' self I guess.

I walked him to the train station afterwards, and when I got to the bus stop, I saw Frank! When he first approached, I was like "whoa, this guy wants money", lol, because he had a beanie on and stuff. But yeah, I didn't find too much to talk to him about, maybe because I felt a little exhausted after seeing so many people on one night, and was quite relieved when his bus came. He texted me later in the night wanting to see a movie or go out for drinks or dinner and I just said I'd organise something soon.

I texted Shuing about seeing Frank and he called me up. I think he actually really misses me being part of the group. One noteworthy thing for me though: I didn't mention my knee problems at all.

Rodney

2009-06-19T08:34:00.004+10:00

I went to the bread shop again yesterday, and as I was trying to slide open one of the glass windows to get to the bread I broke it, lol! Well it didn't actually break, but I pushed it so hard because it was stuck that it came out of place from the slots holding it which allows it to slide.

Hot para was in court for the first half of the day, but again I made a conscious effort to ignore her and avoid eye contact. There was a stage where I was in a full elevator which she and her friend were in, and I was standing at the back. I took the opportunity to get a good look at her.

Damn, she's shorter than I thought. Yet she doesn't look short.

My eyes trailed quickly to her friend who looked at me.

Goddamnit, don't look at her friend! She'll think you like HER! I wonder if her friend was checking me out, or if she was seeing if I was looking at the hot para.

During the lunch break I could see that GS was still bothered by this 'ethical' issue. He was lying down on the couch, and he mentioned the HK client's case and said the same situation existed there but no one raised an issue like now. I sad that was even worse, because HK client exculpated everyone else whereas the current witness is actually inculpating us.

DY came over and sat on the table to start talking to GS, it was like a counselling session, lol.

DC didn't drive yesterday, so he had to catch a train. He asked if I wanted to go with him and I was quite open to that. Then he revealed that he was meeting Kate, and I suppose I could put up being the light bulb again, and then when we met Kate at the train station I further found out that we were to meet Kate's mum on the train!

Wasn't as awkward as I thought it'd be, because all three of them are very chatty. Her mum was saying how she was checking out the guys in the courtroom a while ago for Kate when she first entered, and suggested DC as a possible match but turned out he was married. She also mentioned RB, and said he wasn't much of a looker. I'll admit the guy isn't exactly the best looking dude in the room, but I find an aura of charm and charisma about him, coupled with his intelligence and power in the courtroom. So I was pretty surprised at how quickly a woman was to dismiss a guy based purely on his looks.

We parted ways at the bus stop as I caught a different bus to them. I went home, found no one and drove out to the shopping centre near me. Being somewhat of a hopeless hopeless romantic, I wanted to try my luck and see if I could bump into Karen, since she mentioned she had some familiarity with the place. But once there, I ended up being more curious about the shops there, although I did try to keep one eye out for her, even though I was really unsure as to what she would/might look like.

I decided to check out all the shops on every floor before getting some orange juice and my usual milk. I walked past the cake shop where Eva works, and saw her cleaning the dishes, but didn't want to say hi because 1) I was still being nomadic and wanted to avoid that group altogether; and 2) I didn't want to cause her any problems at work.

As I was walking to the supermarket for my juice and milk, a guy looked at me, half nodded and smiled. I thought he was smiling at the people in front of me until I looked closer and it was Rodney from high school! Wow, he had put on a bit of weight.

We talked for a bit, I told him about A's wedding and he told me about Arm's wedding a week before that. He told me of a couple of other guys who had recently gotten engaged. Wow, seemed like everyone was getting married. I was surprised he wasn't married. When I see people like him, and Kate, who I deem average or better than average (unlike the way I see myself), I sometimes wonder if finding the other person goes beyond appearance, occupation, and personality. Maybe luck has a large role to play as well. I mean, Kate is blonde, slim, funny, and chatty, so surely in her younger years she would've had a lot of guys chase after her, no? Or did she just spend her time travelling and in the meantime let her prime pass away unknowingly?

Anyway, after the chat I got my juice and milk. They didn't have the small milk so I had to go with the medium one. I also bought a pack of chips. I sat in my car in the car park, drinking my milk and eating the chips. Didn't think about anything really, just about my encounter with Rodney, and a bit about my knee. I found myself still grappling and adjusting with the idea that I was pretty much a cripple.

I mean, in a way, I almost felt invincible before. Like, I knew what I could do. In worst case scenario, if someone tried to rob or fight me in the streets, I could at least try to fight or run away. But, I can't do that now. If I tried any of that, they'd realise I had a leg problem and I'd just have to cower and get bashed.

I feel like the lion in the wild, now too old to fight, so when predators come for their food, I can do nothing but accept my fate.

Ethical dilemmas everywhere

2009-06-17T20:37:00.003+10:00

Woke up late again today, so had to get breakfast on the run. This time I got off the train and went to that Chinese bread shop, you know the type where they have many different types of bread and you get your own tray and tongs and select whatever you want. I got TWO breads for $3.60, so that $5 croissant can go fuck itself.

GS called me into his room todat to find out some past dates of when we received certain information. I think the question the judge asked him a couple of days ago is really giving him a dilemma.

I used to think that ethical issues were just a by product of my old firm, but I've learnt that no matter where you are, ethical issues will arise (not as much of course). I mean, one of the main reasons I took this job was because I wanted to do things properly, and Michael D seemed like the type of lawyer who you knew was proper. And GS has always been very proper and professional, so I couldn't go wrong.

But now this thing turns up, and I can see GS is so bothered by it. I want to help him but my lack of experience (and dumb ass IQ) prevents me. I felt like fudging the facts to help him.

The xx wasn't as exciting, because RM did it in a more polite and civil way, which is a shame, because I wanted the jury to hate him.

Because I was in a rush today, I didn't pack my lunch and accepted DC's invitation to go with him and Kate to that Japanese restaurant we went to last time. I sorta had a feeling that Kate would feel like I was crashing her lunch, but I was already thinking of having Japanese food for lunch and I felt like being social because the past few days when I have brought lunch I always ate it by myself.

I managed to pull Twish along, even though she doesn't like sushi. I had to wait around for her to finish some work, so DC and Kate were there first. I think I was right with my suspicions, as Kate seemed disappointed and not her usual talkative self during lunch. I wonder if she likes DC, or if just wanted to talk some private affairs with him.

Even though I felt talkative, it was hard getting a word in at the table because both DC and Twish never shut up. But it was good to spend some time with them.

That hot para was in court again, but no eye contact today. The first time I was walking towards her I just ignored her and didn't look her way, so maybe she took that as a sign.

After work, I went to get my milk again, but this time from a large supermarket. It was really cheap. Saving money seems to make me happy these days. Can't wait until I pay off my credit card debt.

Also posted my renewal form back to Michael D, thank god he paid for me otherwise I would've been in real trouble.

On the train back to the city, it was quite packed. I went to the upper carriage and was left with no seats, because the person in the two-seater made no efforts to allow someone in, and the three-seater had already sat with two people. I stood there and waited for the selfish idiot in the two seater, but the girl in the three seater moved over and I sat down.

I gave her an extra smile and said thank you, and she smiled back. She was kinda pretty. I noticed she had just finished a banana and was holding the peel.

Say something. Say something.

As in all usual cases, I didn't. When the person on the other side of her got off, it was just us two. I dozed off a bit and when I opened my eyes again she was propped up a bit looked out the window on my side. It shocked me a bit because it wasn't something I was expecting, and I made a gesture as if asking whether she wanted to get out, but she said no.

I think the past few days, I have been thinking along the lines of having already obtained the job. Like, I seem to have stopped caring about looking for work, or mingling with John and library guy in the hope of working with them. The anger within me has also disappeared. This is quite dangerous, because all it takes is some silent days to pass by and then BANG! You'll receive a letter saying blah blah blah sorry but you were not successful. But seriously, you gotta wonder what happened when you know you failed at the referee stage.

I still think about that girl at A's wedding. But the sad thing is, I don't think I'd recognise her if I saw her in the streets. I feel like I'm the female in some sort of Disney fairytale story, hoping to see that special someone again after a great chance meeting.

How does she know?

2009-06-16T23:16:00.004+10:00

Had to rush out for work today, bumped into that renovator my neighbour is using. Must make mental note that he is the quiet type of evil, must not disclose any information to him.

Anyway, I just made the 8:08 speedy train, so I was looking for breakfast when I got off. I opted for a cheese and bacon crossiant from this pie shop, which was fucking $4.95. Five bucks for that shit??? Never again.

I left court just before lunch to do some work in the office, and went back up after lunch. As soon as I walked in, I saw the hot para sitting in the public gallery on the far side, smiling and looking at me.

How does she know?? How the FUCK does she know I am entering the room next? H-O-W T-H-E F-U-C-K.

Calling it a forced smile would be a misdescription. I'd say it was a premeditated smile. It was so big. I looked at her and then looked away, and then thought maybe I should've smiled at her. I keep telling myself to smile at her next time I see her, but everytime I see her it's like I've forgotten what I've told myself.

Thinking about it, it's sorta starting to creep me out. Ok no wait, it's at the stage before the phase where it's starting to creep me out. Like, if I see anymore initiative than this, I might have to start thinking she's some sort of looney.

It was also the time for RM to xx the accused. God damnit did he go hard to start with. It was just attack after attack after attack. I really felt sorry for the accused, and almost felt like standing up to object. It was so hard to watch. I hope the jury felt some sympathy.

As I watched on, I had two thoughts: 1) if you get the job, would you start rationalising from their perspective? and 2) forget the hot para, she and the police she's sitting with probably think this is all funny. They don't care about the defence, they probably reckon they're all guilty.

At the end of the day, there was another 'fight' between the defence and the judge. The judge pretty much accused all of us of planning this whole thing together. Isn't that bias enough already to discharge him???

Far out, this whole case is making me so fucking angry.

After work I went again to buy milk. Why is the supermarket more expensive than the smaller shop? Thought they would be able to pass on bulk saving. I stood in the middle of the walkway consuming it. Good stuff. It's kinda like a time out session in the day, feels kinda good to just stand still and pause while everyone else moves around you.

I came home and did some work, ate, and then took my car out to get some petrol since it's cheapo Tuesday.

Milk!

2009-06-15T22:16:00.003+10:00

Tried to get to work early today, but seemed like there was no point, as even though I got there at about 8:20, the building wasn't opened yet because they were installing a new scanning machine.

At the beginning of court, DC showed me quickly the questions sent to him by the prosecution. I never expected that my referees would have to answer questions that require such detail, damn.

I didn't realise that hot para sitting up front as I never even saw her enter the courtroom. I tried to make eye contact but our eyes never seemed to meet.

At morning tea, when I went to get coffee I ended up joining DC and his parents, as they had come to watch him today. I tried to see the resemblance but couldn't find much, although they were very talkative and I guess he gets it from there.

Resuming court after morning tea, I walked to my seat and looked at the hot para sitting uo front. She looked at me and we both smiled, and then she started to make her way towards me.

She's gonna give you something. Say something funny.

She comes over and I smile, saying "you keep giving me work".

Ummm, yeah, hilarious.

She smiled and turned to walk back to her seat. I reckon she's nervous when around me. I remember one time when we were both waiting for the lifts in the lobby to go up, instead of making chit chat, she turned back around as if waiting for her friend who had been stopped at the scanners.

But I guess it's not a good thing for her to be so nervous, because it shows how much she likes you, and that shows how much expectations she's mentally placed on you. You cannot possibly top a person's imagination.

We finished at lunch today, and then stayed back to work on some stuff with GS. After he left, Bush gave me a call because she emailed me earlier asking me how things were going, and I took a rare road and said not too good. I ended up telling her that I was kinda scared about my knee, and she told me about how her brother and father had had knee replacement surgeries before, and that made me feel better.

We also talked about work, and when I told her they had contacted my referees, she sounded impressed, although she didn't go as far as to say what DC had said. She also told me how Kylie and Shadi were kinda competing against eachother at work, and she hinted at some problems she may have had with HHH. We agreed to organise a movie and dinner outing soon.

After work, I bought a small carton of milk near the train station where I stood around leisurely drinking it. I really don't drink milk at all because it makes me bloat, but I thought it might be good for my ligaments. It was so good to just stop and drink it, instead of being part of the everyday hustle and bustle to make the next train.

The only piece of evidence

2009-06-14T22:14:00.004+10:00

I have FINISHED all my work! Haha. It took me the whole of today, and during breaks I got to watch bits of Terminator 3 which I bought today. I also bought Butterfly Effect 2. But I am soooo glad I got all the stuff done and ready for tomorrow!

In other news, I was watching the videos I recorded from last night, and I discovered that the one where I was trying to film A and his wife having a solo dance has recorded on it my voice and Karen's voice about the dessert exchange!!! So without further ado, here is the transcript:

Karen: I want a mango one, I don't want a (ind)

Me: You want my one?

Karen: No no no, no it's ok (ind)

Me: No I, I don't care.

Karen: (laughs) Are you sure? Thank you.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I think I'm having a retrospective crush.

A's wedding

2009-06-14T11:07:00.003+10:00

Partly due to being tired, and partly due to depression from my MRI results, I took a one and a half hour nap yesterday. I can't believe that such a short nap felt so good. I woke up revived and ready for the rest of the day. GS called me and basically asked me to hurry up with the stuff I was doing, so I gotta do that after this.

I did a bit of preparation for A's wedding, like writing up his card and thinking up a speech. I texted him a day or two before jokingly asking when his wedding was, and he jokingly replied that he might get me to make a speech. I was pretty sure he wouldn't make me do that, but I didn't want to risk it. So I came up with the following poem:

I have known A since year 7 of high school
The word to describe him would not be ‘cool’
Because he always had a nose, which was running like a bloody hose
Together we would play basketball, although I thought he was better suited for netball
To the same university we attended, which shortly after we both abandoned
He went Macquarie, I went west
Since that day, I have always wondered who would come out best
But now I know, that it is him
For he has a beautiful wife, and a bountiful life
While here I am, thanks to Lehman Brothers, in financial strife

I remember back in primary and high school I used to be pretty good with rhymes. I seem to have lost that ability.

I made some instant noodles to eat while watching the first half of the Lakers-Magic Game replay, then took a shower and got changed. I really had no idea what I'd be wearing. Usually I wear my bright yellow tie, but I didn't feel like attracting attention this night, so I ended up wearing a very light green shirt with a pink tie. I thought about wearing the white tie, but I didn't want to wear a black shirt.

I had underestimated the time it would take there. Using my GPS on my phone, I found it was a lot further than I had expected. The drive was good, cause I got to listen to Relapse. I find that that album sounds a lot better as car music than headphone music.

The GPS showed I was closing in on the destination, but I on a residential road, so I began questioning the GPS until I saw a hotel and I drove into the car park. Surprisingly there were plenty of spaces.

I approached the entrance and was asked if I was there for some other wedding. I nearly went in until I checked the sign, and then proceeded to the next entrance. I don't know, it kinda seems insincere for a place to host two weddings. You kinda want it to be special, not something to be shared with complete strangers.

Upon entrance there was a large photo of A and his wife in casual clothes. I always thought it was supposed to be more formal. Anyway, that is seriously the best photo I have ever seen of A. He is the LEAST photogenic person I have ever met. Also, his wife is very, veyr attractive. Even though I had my suspicions that it was an arranged marriage, I thought it wasn't a bad deal considering how attractive she was. And she also works in one of the largest banks, so that can't be a negative.

I wasn't expecting to see anyone I knew because A had said I was the only one from high school. But it really didn't hit me until I walked into a large room with two cars parked inside, about 20 people standing around chatting and some drinks and snacks to the right.

I went to get a lemon squash and a snack, then basically stood around like an idiot for the next half an hour. It was really no different to me going into the wedding next door. I stood near the entrance for a while, picking up "inshallah" as remnants of a conversation nearby, then stood against the back wall completely out of sight until the staff told us we could go upstairs.

I saw some Anglo looking people sitting on a couch, and I had guessed that they were A's workmates and that I'd be sharing a table with them, as A told me. However, I wasn't sure and I didn't want to just walk up and say hi or anything, just in case they weren't.

I went to the bathroom first because there was a long queue to go upstairs. When I came back out there was still a queue, and I stood behind the Anglo looking people to wait. Soon I realised that they weren't really ready to go up, so I walked past them to join the queue at the stairs and they followed.

I approached the wrong side for table seating, but got placed on A's friend's table anyway after dropping my card in the box.

I was right. I was at the same table as the Anglo looking people. I nodded and said hi to them, and the shaved head guy next to me introduced himself as Steph. The couple on my left soon left as they were on the wrong table.

After sitting there quietly for a bit because I was on the opposite side of the Anglo looking people and Steph was talking to his girlfriend, Steph asked me to move over because there were more people coming.

Ummm...yeah, fuck you too.

I moved over a couple of seats to my left just as some Asian dude was sitting down. He asked if I wanted the seat and I said no, I was just moving over. As soon as I saw him I knew he was my saviour for the night. By himself and Asian, that was enough PLU to build rapport.

He told me his name was Jerry, and as I was now closer to the Anglo looking people, they introduced themselves to us, with the girl next to Jerry being Jodie, and Jodie was next to her, and their husbands were next to them.

After finding out that Jerry was in the field of helping lawyers look for experts, I was like "yeah, I had to do that recently, I used US". He said "oh we used to be called that" and I was like "wait, you're not Jerry W are you?" and he was! I had emailed him before for work related things, and now here he was! Wow, what a coincidence!!!

We hit it off from there, as we talked amongst ourselves most of the time, although sometimes we spoke to the rest of the group because we didn't want to seem rude.

Soon after, the groomsmen and bridesmaids entered, and then A and his wife entered. It was really hard to see because our table was at the back and it was so dark. As soon as they reached the front, music started blaring out of the speakers and they all started dancing. I swear to god they must've been dancing for at least 45 minutes before they stopped. Who starts off a wedding with dancing??

Later these two Asian girls came to sit next to me to my right. We introduced ourselves, the one next to me was Karen and her friend was Cindy or whatever her name was. We started talking and they turned out to be A's colleagues from his old tobacco company.

Jerry had left but when he came back I introduced him to them. They apparently didn't know eachother even though they were all from that same company.

Jodie had asked before whether we'd been to a Lebanese wedding before, so I thought that was a good ice breaker. So I turned to Karen and I said "So have you been to a Muslim -"

Lebanese you idiot, LEBANESE!

"- Lebanese wedding before?"

She said she had been to a Macedonian wedding and it was very similar.

I spotted Frank and was pretty sure it was him. He looked at me but didn't come over, so I thought maybe he didn't want to talk to me. He later came over and pulled me to an adjoining hallway where it was quieter for a chat. We did a bit of catching up, but I was kinda eager to return to my table. He asked if I got her number, obviously having seen me talk to her, and I said no. He then asked if I was gay.

Ummm...even if I wanted to get her number, do you really think it'd be wise to ask within the first five minutes of meeting her???

Even though I was relieved to see someone I knew, I was more than glad when I broke off the conversation and returned to my table. It was like I had made new friends and I didn't want to ruin it.

As I sat in my seat, occasionally talking to Karen, occasionally talking to Jerry, and spending the rest of the time looking up front watching everyone dance, I became very conscious as to any signs that Karen might show.

Everytime she spoke to me she'd always tap me on the arm. I wonder if she could tell I worked out. She went up to dance at one stage and asked me to join, and I said I couldn't because of my knee and told her a bit about it, and she said "awwww". The thought of dancing with a partially torn ligament was not particularly appealing. The thought of tearing the rest of it off was even more discouraging. I had googled "torn ACL" earlier in the day and received some...visual assistance to my understanding. Not pretty.

Karen asked at one stage what Jerry's name was again, and I thought that it wasn't a good sign if she was going to be talking about other guys. But maybe she was using that as a conversation starter, as I was just sitting there quietly before and then after she started talking about other things.

We talked a bit about our jobs, and found out she's in the finance area. After finding out that I was in crime, she asked if I had any infamous cases. I told her of the case I was doing now, but she had never heard about it, citing "the doctor" as the possible answer.

She asked if the main meals had been served because she was concerned that they had missed it. I joked that they hadn't been served, but the kid at the table in front of us had his, and we could take it off him, and she laughed, hehe.

When we got our food, it seemed like Karen wanted the chicken and not the veal, but I couldn't help her since I had the veal. I got it first and she asked why I didn't start eating, and I said I just wanted to wait for everyone else first, and she said "aww that's sweet". I actually just didn't feel right eating when she didn't have anything.

They went dancing again and I stayed at the tbale finishing my food. I swear to god, I hadn't even finished my food when the waiter came and took it away. WTF???

I decided to go for a walk and saw Frank downstairs, and we had a bit more of a chat. This time it was a lot juicier. He told me that this was indeed an arranged marriage, but there was more to it. Apparently A had flown to Syria before to look for a wife, and everything had been agreed but she pulled out at the last moment, refusing to leave the country. Because A's family had told everyone, they needed to find someone else - quick. If that's indeed the case then A got an even better deal.

We moved outside to the cold and talked there. We talked a bit about the others, like Bobby, and even he knew Gurang disliked Bob, although he didn't find anything wrong with Bob but he said that may be because he didn't know him very well. He then said something that really surprised me. He told me Michelle was great in bed. He elaborated on it, and told me how he thought Malay should sleep with her.

It was quite shocking, since: 1) he was the one who got her pregnant and asked her to have an abortion; and 2) he was now telling me a friend of ours should sleep with his ex.

Ummm...ok.

I really wanted to go back to my table but he kept talking for a bit longer. When I finally returned I saw that Karen was talking to Jerry.

Aight dude, back off.

I sat in between them and soon they had finished their conversation and Karen was talking to me again. She did move over to an empty seat for a while to talk to Cindy or whatever her name was, but I think she just didn't want to seem like she was desserting her friend.

I went onto the dance floor at one point to film A dancing, and when he saw me I went up to congratulate him and his wife.

Frank had been texting me throughout the night to ask her for her number. He was obviously keeping up to date with my table. He even came over and said "any luck? If you don't, I will, just to prove a point".

WHAT DA FUUCCCKK???!?!?!

Karen was right there, and I'm sure she would've known what he was tlaking about. Fucking idiot.

Aside from Frnak's intervention, I wasn't really sure what to do. I mean, I liked it when she tapped me on the arm, and I'd have to lean over and she'd speak right into my ear because the music was so loud. I liked the closeness. I also liked how she was an intellectual, and was open minded about our occupations. Appearance wise, I don't think she'd stand out in a crowd for me, but I felt we got along pretty well.

Like any other guy, I pictured sex with her, but that didn't really appeal to me. What appealed to me more was the possibility that I could one day, at my own wedding, tell the audience how I met her at a friend's wedding and we hit it off. I guess I liked the romance of meeting her more than anything else.

I also thought about passionately making out with her somewhere quiet in the vicinity.

Nah, you don't want someone like that. That would mean she's a slut, you don't want that.

Good point.

When we got dessert, she said she wanted the mango, so I gave her my one and I took hers.

Yes! Haha, hehehe...

I was so glad she accepted. See? It's little things like these that make me happy. It's kinda romantic.

We were talking as we ate our dessert. I would occasionally put the spoon down and talk. But one time when I put my spoon down, I said something to her and when I reached for the spoon again it was gone! The fucking waiter had taken it! She laughed, and said they were like ninjas, lol.

Towards the end of the night, she told me she was going to get a headache, which I presume was in reference to how loud the music was.

Ask her if she wants to go outside! Ask her if she wants to go outside!

"Yeah, lucky there's no work tomorrow".

Bravo *clap* *clap* *clap*

I wonder if she was giving me an opening to ask her outside. I would've loved the chance to talk to her without the loud music and with more lighting.

A came over at one stage and had a chat with us. Poor him, he must've been so tired from all that dancing. And I know that, like me, he's not the dancing type, so he's put up with it the whole night, and I must say he's done a very good job.

I asked her whether there was much to do around where she lived, and she mentioned the markets where Rod has a store. So hmmm, I guess if I wanted to try a chance meeting I could always start visiting that place every Saturday.

She asked me several times to take some photos of her and her friend, which I did. Then on the last one she said "can you take one more for me? We're going to go soon".

Going soon? Is that a hint? Is she telling you she's going soon AND she wants you to ask for her number???

Nah, don't be crazy.

And so, I found myself waving as she left with her friend and colleague.

Not long after I said my goodbyes to the others at the table and left. It was a lonely drive back home.

MRI result

2009-06-13T11:06:00.006+10:00

Yesterday, I picked GS up in the city and then we drove out to the jails. We talked a bit about the case and stuff, but it was very different to DC, where we'd talk like friends. I sometimes wonder if GS thinks I'm boring, or if he prefers to stay silent and think. GS did tell me that he had received an email from the prosecution asking questions about me. He told me one of the questions asked him to compare me with other applicants.

Do I tell him about Twish? But Twish said not to let anyone know.

I ended up not telling him about Twish. GS said he'd just put that I was the best instructing sol he has ever had. Not sure if he was joking or not. He also told me there was a question asking about the amount of advocacy I had done, and then he asked what I had done before, so I told him.

I knew this would be a problem, taking a backseat in a job like this when I had previously done so much. People would question my abilities, especially when no one here has really seen me in action.

We saw Kate in the car park at the jails, and it was like a boost of energy had been injected into our day. She's so vibrant. I like to contrast her with SB, but that might be a post for another day.

The conferences with GS are so different. It's like a railway track. His line of questioning is just that - a LINE! He'll keep going down one path, noting possible turns and routes, exhaust that line and then go back to each turn in order to exhaust those lines. DC on the other hand goes everywhere, he's like a roundabout, not knowing which exit he'll eventually take (or it could lead to another roundabout). I typed up the same amount of notes in that conference as a DC conference but in half the time.

On the drive back, we came up with a plan to divide up the work to work more efficiently, so I pulled over, got my laptop out and gave him some files I had worked on before. The plan was for him to go do those files and I'd work on the others.

I dropped him off in the city and then went home to leave the car. I caught the bus back to the city, went into a conference room in the main court building where I worked for the rest of the day. I saw GS again at around 5pm when I went to drop somehting off. Hope he didn't think I was doing that just because he was my referee. It's something I would've done anyway.

I went to a particular ATM to check how much was on my credit card, and then sat down and used my laptop a bit. I was trying to organise to watch Terminator because Malay wanted to see it. Library guy messaged me saying he was in the city and asked if I wanted to meet for drinks. John called me several times and when I called back he said he was meeting Spawn for dinner and asked me to go.

That's too many offers for an introvert. I almost started to feel overwhelmed. I turned John down first, with a pretty shitty excuse of me being tired and not wanting to go out that far. It was the truth, but seeing Spawn also wasn't one of those things on my 'to do' list.

I then called up library guy, checked out who he was with, didn't know any of them and turned him down.

I called G up, he said he had something on. Shuing wasn't answering his phone, and Gurang said he had already seen it but he seemed like he wanted to meet up for a movie another time.

Malay did suggest seeing it with just the two of us, but by the time I got home it was too cold for me to go out again so I turned that down too. So all in all, I turned down all those offers just to stay home. At least I saved some money.

Shuing did give me a call, and he said he couldn't answer cause he was at a bar. Obviously they weren't doing anything as a group last night. He asked if I was going to the Japanese thing tonight, I said I wasn't invited, and I probed a bit more, only really interested to see if it was a thing involving Ele.

Turns out it's not, it's just the same small group going to a Japanese restaurant, with the ain of G asking a waitress out. I asked him how many times G had seen her and he said once. God, that's going to be stupid and humiliating. Shuing said G was probably trying to do it to get over Jenny, but we both agreed that there's a fine line between being brave and being stupid.

I woke up this morning, had some breakfast and got ready for my 8am appointment with the doctor. In the bathroom, I found myself automatically feigning that Jordan post-up move. My knee was definitely getting better. I drove up there because I don't have a weekly ticket. I parked in the shopping centre this time to avoid a fucking fine.

Even though I arrived five minutes early, I still had to wait like half an hour. But I suppose this time, it was just some patients taking a long time, as opposed to a lot of patients taking a short time, because after two or three patients was my turn.

Damn I don't even need to be here. It's obvious that it was just a strain or sprain, cause I'm feeling so much better now.

The place was really getting filled upp quick, mainly because you had all those families there. Part of me found the kids annoying, but another part of me wanted to have some of my own.

When I went in, he asked if I had done the scan, and I was like "yeah..." wondering if he'd still charge me for this if they didn't send the scans to him. Turns out it was just at the reception, and that was brought in.

I sat there quietly as he looked at my MRI scans in the bright light. I wanted to ask him whether they had a class just for that at university, because I really can't see anything in those. How can anyone possibly see something like a fracture as small as a strand of hair in those???

He asked me if I really liked playing basketball. I happily nodded and said yes, even though I knew where he was going. Part of me thought that maybe if I stayed happy and optimistic, what I thought he was going to say wouldn't come out. He asked me again, and again I nodded. He then told me I had torn my ACL.

I...what?

Tore my ACL? What, with that little mis-land I did on a jump shot? I didn't even jump that high! It didn't even HURT that much!

He repeated it again and started writing out a referral to a knee surgeon. All I could say was "I didn't think it was that serious". He said I had torn most of it, and that if I continued to play without surgery then I would most likely tear the rest of it.

Ok, ok, wait. No really, wait.

Before I could even absorb what had happened, and what was happening, I found myself shaking his hand and walking out. I paid the receptionist and walked down the stairs. I felt...empty. It was unreal. I was still trying to figure out what had happened.

That can't be right. How can that be a torn ACL? Isn't that supposed to be very painful? You mean I've been walking on a torn ACL all this time?

I felt like I had just been diagnosed with cancer (which wouldn't be surprising 20 years down the track given how much fast food I eat).

As I walked back to the shopping centre car park, my walk was slower and I was more conscious and protective of my knee. I still didn't realise what was happening, or what it meant. It hadn't hit me yet.

I drove to another shopping centre, thinking about it but not really. Kinda like thinking about it but not making any progress. I looked for a card for A's wedding tonight. I guess I would just have to put on a brave face and be happy for one night.

After I got the card, as I was walking back to my car, I thought about how my life had just gotten worse. I suppose, logically speaking, it didn't get worse today, because this happened about a month ago, so my life got worse then. But emotionally, this was like a double hit.

How could I tear my ACL on a jump shot like that? In the last minute of the last game of a losing season?

I wondered whether I would end up partially blaming Fat Pat. But then again, maybe afterall it would've been smart to rest yourself in a meaningless game.

When it happened, I thought it was so minor that people might've thought I was faking it.

But even now, at home, I am still trying to come to terms with it.

Thursday comp: 2-2-2

2009-06-13T10:25:00.001+10:00

On Thursday one of the accused finished in chief. There was a bit of an argument started by the judge, who accused all defence teams of coming up with this plot to call this accused to cover for everyone else. Wow, how unprofessional was that? As I looked at the judge's face, I could see the bias spread all over his face. It was as if he was accusing us of cheating, when he has absolutely no grounds for thinking that.

Around morning tea I received a message on my voice mail, it was from the prosecution! They wanted the email addresses of my referees! In the afternoon I called them back and emailed them the email addresses of DC and GS. After DC left, he gave me a call to say that he had received some questions from them asking about me! He also said that with government jobs, they don't do that unless they're thinking of hiring you.

Wow, I was so surprised. And shocked.

I stayed back after court and Twish did too. Closing in on 5pm it was just the two of us in the office. I packed up and prepared to walk out with her when she told me that they had extended hours tonight, and so I unpacked and did a bit more work. I was preparing for an offer from her for a ride back to the city, thinking I'd have to turn it down since I drove cause of bball. But she didn't make such an offer.

I did tell her about the prosecution calling, to see if she had heard anything. She called up PL and he told her he didn't receive anything as her referee. I told her they were probably doing it in order or something.

I suppose the thing now is, now that I know I've gotten to this stage, and if I don't get the job, it's hard to come to any conclusion other than that your referees fucked you up. I mean, I know DC and GS wouldn't do that, but what other conclusions could you arrive at?

Twish left first and I left soon after. I went to the shopping centre to get some pasta to eat (which wasn't as good as last time) while reading some transcripts on my laptop.

I then drove to basketball, and some of the guys were already there as they were doing duty. There was a bit of a problem with Carter's registration, with them saying he hadn't paid and him saying he did even though he had no receipt. We ended up paying for his rego out of the team's pot money. Having seen him play in the Sunday comp, I always thought he was a bit of a tough guy, but he's actually quite a softy, like Fat Pat.

Everyone turned up except Dunnycan. We played a really, really shit team. Like, when I saw them on the other side of the court I already thought they were shit. We got off to a massive head start, taking a lead as big as 18 in the first half. Mike hit a three and everything seemed to be rolling smoothly without much intervention by me.

Then the second was a different story.

I watched in disbelief as we didn't score for about the first eight minutes of the second half, and as the other team out-rebounded us, out-hustled us, and hit their flukey shots. The lead kept dwindling, and soon it was reduced to single digits.

I had Geoff off, but he kept bugging me about going back on, and I thought our lead was pretty safe given how there were only a few minutes remaining. So I took Marco off and put Geoff on. Bad move.

With the game tied and 50 seconds to go, I told them to hold it for the last shot, because the worst scenario would be a draw. They held it for about 40 seconds, Geoff lost it, the other team threw it up, Abi tried to intercept it but tripped the guy catching it, and sent him to the line.

He hit the free throw.

Game lost: 40-41.

Wow.

If you want to talk about melt down, there is no better example. How the fuck did we lose a 18 point lead???

I called the group in and basically, which was wrong in hindsight, told them about playing time. I said that in the past I had tried to be fair and we've lost, so now it's not going to be fair because we want to win. I told them not to bug me about playing time because some guys will be hot some nights, and off on others.

Geoff walked off and sat down, holding his head in his hands.

I felt bad for being so angry at them. I guess I was just angry that we had lost. I could see our main problem was a stagnant offense. I think I'll need to draw up some simple offensive plays, instead of just focusing on defense.

I'm not sure how I would've affected the game by playing, but I am pretty sure that I would've been able to HOLD the goddamn ball in crunch time.

How do I deal with a player like Geoff? How did Larry Brown deal with Iverson? He's someone who doesn't listen, is me-first, and wants to do everything his own way. Granted, he has good intentions, but sometimes intentions is not enough. It's like walking into the casino to win money for charity. You're still gambling and taking the same stupid risks as everyone else.

After the game, Fab and I stood in the car park for nearly an hour talking about work. With liquid hanging off his nostril because of the cold, he tried to encourage me into opening up my own firm. I think if I hadn't of received the news I had earlier received, I would've been all ears. But I was somehow distracted by the hope of more stable employment.

A lift from Twish

2009-06-10T20:50:00.003+10:00

Got to work late today, not that it seems to matter anymore since everyone else arrives at around 9:30. I caught the lift with DY and had a bit of a chat to her. GS was the only one there before us anyway.

GS decided to give that huge ass spreadsheet to CO to look at. I saw CO give it to the hot para, presumably to ask her to photocopy it.

Ok, think of something funny to say when she gives it back to you. Hmmm...

I later heard GS say that they have borrowed it for the day and will return it tomorrow. God think of something funny to say!

Nothing much happened in court today, pretty much the same as yesterde. My client's two sisters came to watch. At the end of the day, when the jury were sent away for the day, I heard one of the sisters say "goodbye jury". I didn't react or do anything to show I heard it, but I just thought that she was saying it to herself, kinda in a playful type of way.

I was sent down to the cells to see the client, and apparently one of the cops complained to DC about our client's sister saying goodbye to the jury. DC called him a prick, and I was glad I didn't react because that would've shown that I heard it. Even though I did hear it, it's good to know I have the option of denying it if it ever became a big deal. Anyway, it wasn't like she was saying it to the jury - that\d be pretty hard from where she's sitting. She was just saying it playfully to herself.

I spent the rest of the day working on fixing up the transcripts that we received this morning. Right at the end it was just Twish and me left. She offered me a lift since she was going to the city anyway, and I accepted, wanting to talk about our prosecution application, even though I didn't know what specifically I wanted to say. I mean, nothing you can do now can help your application. I guess I just wanted to predict to her that she will get the job and I won't.

We spent the walk to the car talking about how unfair and bias this judge was. Then when we got to her car I saw how messy it was. It had like junk food rubbish in the front seat, and I had to throw it away for her.

When we first drove off she talked about how her former client has invited her to a barbeque on the weekend, and then said something about how everyone else was going with their family and she wondered whether she should go with a date. Then she said she didn't know many non-gay guys. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but it made me feel uneasy because it was almost as if she was forcing me to ask her if I could go with her. Oh well, I couldn't even if I wanted to because of A's wedding this Saturday.

Then we spent nearly like half the trip with her complaining about her former room mate. I had two main thoughts at this stage: 1) damn she talks a lot, I can't even get a thing in, all I could do was smile; and 2) damn she drives dangerously, I'm half expecting her to hit another car.

Then we talked a bit about our application.

Yes!

I told her I thought she would get the job and that I would get put on the waiting list. I am pretty sure of that. She, maybe out of modesty, denied it. Don't know how she can, considering how she emailed the lady back and the lady replied with "well you were definitely a lot of fun in the interview!". Ummm...tell me how does someone NOT get the job when the interviewer responds like that.

Anyway, it seemed futile to smash it into her head. It's like that time when I tried to (stupidly) convince Emilee that she was starting to like Will and not me. She denied it at all times, and look what happened - she ran off with him. I guess you can never force someone to see your perspective, even if it's the truth.

It was fun talking to Twish after work, she's quite funny. But throughout the entire trip I wondered whether it would ever work. No. I just didn't feel the attraction. I seem to be more interested in our career path than us. I sometimes think about her and the hot para, and wonder if my preference for the hot para is just because I don't know her.

More relapse

2009-06-09T20:16:00.005+10:00

"Wouldn't even be taking this shit if deshaun didn't die
Oh ya there's an excuse you lose proof so you use"
-- Deja Vu, Eminem

This morning at my bus stop, I saw that really hot model looking chick. We ended up catching the same bus. She stood near the door, and I kept waiting for her to turn around and look in my direction, hoping I'd catch her eye. But something, maybe her body language, told me she wasn't looking. Then I spotted it. She had a ring on her left ring finger. Oh well.

Despite getting to the office at like 8:45am, I was the first one there. GS and IN came in at the same time. GS had a huge cut on his head, apparently he had cut himself while throwing up after a bike race. IN showed GS the newspaper and asked if he recognised who the lady in the photo was. GS said she looked familiar and asked for the answer, but IN said he'd tell after he showed it to SB, who had just come in.

SB recognised her as Twish's boss' "offsider". The article linked her to some underworld figure, and SB said it was never a good thing to be with a woman who was too good looking, as she then attracts all sorts of men. I agree. But therein lies the challenge: how do you find someone you find attractive, yet not too attractive so other guys will go for her and testing her fidelity?

I wondered how the hot para would rate on that scale. Well you know she's got the attention of one juror at least.

As I was headed up to court, I walked past Twish's room and made a comment about her interview, as she had earlier told me that she emailed her referees to the lady and the lady responded with something like "you must have a lot of fun in your life!!". I told her that was a good sign, and that they, or at least she, must've liked her. She was modest and said I'd probably get the job because I was more professional, and I seemed more like a prosecutor than she did.

I agree with the professional bit. However, that will never, let me repeat that, NEVER, override the fact that the interviewer likes you. I told Twish that I just felt some animosity from her, for whatever reason. She seemed to like girls more.

When I went upstairs, I looked at the clock on my right as I walked out the lift. As I turned left, the hot para and her friend stood up to approach me.

"Oh, you're waiting for me".

Ambush you idiot, the word is 'ambush'!

She was just giving me something. I said thank you and smiled at her friend.

Smile at HER you idiot, HER! The one you like! Fucking hell...

I turned to her as I continued my smile. She looked at me differently than how a normal person would look at me. It was as if she was trying to hold my eye contact.

Today was the first day of an accused giving evidence. We seriously wasted more than an hour because the prosecution had complained that they weren't given notice of the accused giving evidence. Part of the delay was the judge siding with the prosecution. Wow, hundreds of years of practising and enforcing the right to silence, wiped out in 60 minutes by this judge. Good stuff.

There was probably some excitement in the courtroom as the accused left the dock, but I think that was soon overtaken by boredom as we all struggled to understand what the hell he was saying, since his English ain't that good.

During an afternoon break, I was standing at the docks waiting for my client with my laptop. I turned around and looked at the public gallery. The hot para was looking straight at me. It's hard to describe that look. It's almost like a mischievous and flirty look. God I would pause that moment and treasure it forever if I could.

I caught the train back to the city after work, and it was like the devil overcame me. I went to the casino and lost $600. Fark me dead. You've gotten to a stage where you can't blame depression anymore. Your gambling addiction turns anything into an excuse, but at the end of the day, it's just a lack of self control.

As I was walking down the stairs out of the casino to get my bag from the cloakroom, I heard a loud slap. I turned to my left to see an Asian couple on their way down an escalator. The girl tried to slap her boyfriend again. I wondered two things: 1) whether the massage girl would ever do that to me if we went out; and 2) whether the girl was angry at her boyfriend because he lost money.

Presuming the latter, I walked past them again after I got my bag. They were at an ATM withdrawing cash, and she slapped him again. Damn, I wouldn't put up with that. I'd just walk away. I hate how some women hit men thinking they can geta way with it because we won't/can't hit them back.

The hit felt pretty real to me. I mean, it felt close to me. It was almost as if I had lost her money and she had slapped me. It made me realise, at that moment anyway, how important money was. Particularly to women.

On the bus back home, I saw a lady who was crying or sobbing. She obviously saw me see her, so she kinda turned away. When I had the chance, I walked deeper in the aisle to get behind her as I was sure the last thing she wanted was feeling like someone was staring at her. I ended up sitting next to her when the person next to her got up. If I had a pack of tissues I would've offered her one. That's one mini-flaw I've always criticised myself for - not having a pack of tissue with me at all times. It can come in unbelievably handy when you least expect it.

It wasn't like I thought about hitting on her or something, but I've felt like that before, and sometimes the best thing is to talk to a complete stranger about it, knowing you will never see each other again.

But then I do wonder, what do people want? To be left alone? Someone to talk to?

In a way, it's good to know that there are other people out there with their own problems too. Maybe even bigger than me losing my whole fortune due to gambling problems. Maybe she had a loved one pass away. Maybe she caught her husband cheating. Maybe her husband called and said he didn't want her anymore. So I guess, put in perspective, money can always be re-made. I just hope you appreciate all other aspects of your life.

Today is Ele's birthday. I don't know whether she's having a party, or if she had it yesterday or whatever. But my paranoi broadcasts into my mind a party where everyone is there. I was sure if she was going to invite Bob and them, then she would invite me. So if she has deliberately left me out, then, well, she can fuck off.

Of course, if a girl is not interested in me, by all means I think she should express her disinterest by ignoring me. That way I get the message. But don't expect me to keep acting like a puppy and throwing away my pride after that. Like that idiot who keeps posting messages on Ele's facebook, even wishing her happy bloody birthday.

In fact, you should expect whatever treatment you give me. I treat people the way they treat me. If you ignore me, I will do the same to you. Tell me how that is unfair.

No Country for Old Men

2009-06-09T19:51:00.003+10:00

Yesterday morning I went to the suburb of my old office to do some shopping. I was getting sick of supermarkets selling Mamee noodles for $4.60 when Asian grocery stores sold them at like $2. It was a good opportunity to do some junk food shopping.

I parked in the shopping centre and went to the Asian grocery store to get my stuff. It brough back some good memories, especially as I left the area, seeing the bubble tea drink place that Rod and I always used to go to. Haha, he was such a bludger. He loved taking breaks to go to that place to have a drink.

I put the stuff back in my car, then went to a supermarket to get some bread and meat for sandwiches in the upcoming week.

I drove back home and watched No Country for Old Men. It was a pretty good movie, although I didn't really get the ending. That Sugar guy is funny. Don't know how he walks around with that weapon of his.

I also decided to see the massage girl at night. I made a booking and found out she changed her name. Wonder why they do that. In the meantime, I went to the casino. Nearly lost $400 but ended up walking off with a $100 gain.

It was kinda funny at the massage place. While I was waiting for her, some other guy had arrived and he was shown the line up. There were so many girls! There must've been about ten. I didn't find most of them attractive, but it was just interesting to see a whole line up of girls strut down in a row. It was like a catwalk, lol. I just sat back with my arms crossed and an amused look on my face. The massage girl had walked out but let the others come out first, and our eyes met briefly.

She held my hand to the room, and then once we sat down, she kept hugging me and rubbing my chest. I told her I hadn't seen her for so long because I hurt my knee.

We had sex again. I think she enjoys the intimacy of it rather than the pleasure of it. She likes to cuddle afterwards, and this time was the closest, longest and hardest we had ever cuddled. I didn't feel anything really. I felt awkward doing that. It was kinda stupid. But I also knew that it wasn't just because of who she was. I knew it was because I myself lacked affection. I probably can, and will, never cuddle someone with emotional attachment. What is that feeling like? I will never know. I am a robot.

Do I think she likes me? Yes. Is it the type of like you want? No. Let me explain. They have to like you to some degree to have sex with you, otherwise they can just do the massage and get out. But at the same time, I don't think she has any feelings for me because the transaction is still very much there, staring us right in the face.

I told her it was my birthday on the 29th, and she said that she was leaving for Korea on the 28th. I said "really?!" and she said she was just joking and laughed at my reaction. She asked if I would come on that day.

Are you kidding me? On my birthday???

John might be ok with it, and I might not see my birthday as very special, but I still like to think that I can absolve from all sins on that particular day. I said "maybe", and she said "maybe not".

God, you need to learn to lie better.

I told her it was a money thing.

Great way to come off as a cheap skate. You obviously still haven't learnt from the Ele thing.

Oh well.

Re-aggravated shoulder

2009-06-08T22:13:00.002+10:00

Yesterday I stayed home till around midday when I went to the gym. I saw nurse lady's sister there. Pretty sure she doesn't know of me, or at least, what I look like. I hurt my left shoulder blade near the end, when I was lifting the weights. Same injury as before it seems. I wonder if it's too heavy, or if it's because I haven't been doing it on a regular basis. Even though I felt some serious pain after my second set, I was determined to finish it off by doing the third set.

After that I went to get a Subway and ate it back at the shopping centre. I had a lot to think about. Mainly about work. I thought about two things in that respect: 1) I was pretty sure I wouldn't get the prosecution job, so when I get their rejection letter, I'm going to frame it and put it up on my wall; 2) I was beginning to like more and more the idea of joining up with John to make some money. If everyone else can do it, why can't I? If this is the natural career progression, then why not? My only worry was getting my name back out there, as being in this trial for so long has made people forget about me. But don't forget, there is a niche out there for Cantonese speaking lawyers, and you experienced a glimpse of it. Now you gotta try and get that back.

Thinking about that job interview still riles me up. I couldn't help but feel that the lady had something against me. Maybe she doesn't like men? Maybe she doesn't like Asians, I don't know. It was like whatever response I gave, she would find a way to counter it. It's like when you don't like somebody, it doesn't matter what they say, you will not like it. If someone else said exactly the same thing then you would have a completely different attitude to it.

Bias - how many of us acknowledge it?

I guess her attitude was analogous to that of Dr West in Relapse:

"Morning, Marshall."
"Morning, doc."
"So we're discharging you today, how are you feeling?"
"Anxious."
"Anxiety?"
"Well, anxious to get home, anxious to get back into the world. Nervous."
"Nervous? C'mon, Marshall, you're a big boy now. Sounding like a bit of a baby, you can do this. You found a sponsor yet?"
"Um, not yet. I mean, but when I get back"
"Well, if you find one, you find one. If you don't, you don't."
"Well, yeah, I mean I godda start going to meetings first and... Wait, what?"
"Well, you don't absolutely have to go to meetings and it's not like like a requirement that they fit into your schedule, we know you're a busy person."
"But I thought variety was the most important thing?"
"So what else are you thinking?"
"Um, well, I know I godda start practising the steps,
and I mean learning them, and start being able to apply them."
"Steps?"
"Yeah, steps."
"There's a lot of them, aren't there?
"Well, twelve."
"Christ, I don't even know them all."
"Really?"
"Anything else?"
"Um, well, I mean the only other question I have was like, what do I do if I find myself in a situation where maybe somebody is drinking around me or something like that and I get tempted to?"
"Take a drink."
"What?"
"Take a drink and y'know, take the edge off."
"Take the edge off? Man, if I ever take a drink
I already know what that's gonna lead me to."

If you listen to it, you can hear the tone Dr West is using. Combined with cutting him off at various points, you just get the feeling that he's not sincere with Eminem and that he's not even talking about what's in his best interests - he's trying to lead him to the dark side.

And then the last bit makes me think about my gambling problems:

"What, you mean these?" *shakes pills*
"Man, what the fuck!?"
"Marhsall, what's the matter, darling? Having some doubts already?
Marshall, you can't leave me, you'll never leave me, Marshall.
We'll always be together, Marshall. Marshall...? Marshall!?
"No, no, no, no, NO!"

Anyway, I caught the bus back home. I really enjoy catching the bus. I like to know that I'm not the type who ends up driving everywhere just because they have a car. While I was getting changed at home, the pain really started to set in. I could barely get my shirt off and on, as I couldn't lift my left arm high enough. God, what have I done? I'm already a cripple with my knee, and now the shoulder??

The pain just seemed to get worse as the day went on. It got to a point where it was so bad that I couldn't stand up straight, and had to lie down on the bed for some comfort.

At least the shoulder will recover within the time that it takes for my knee to recover, so no harm done in that sense.