4sheezy

UNCHARTED WATERS

2009-06-16T01:52:00.000-07:00

I have not been here before. I have become cynical towards life, God, love among other things.I don't know when l got here.I just know l am.I need to get out of here though.I need to get to a place where l have a better outlook on life.I don't know if it is because l have been trusting God for a number of things and have waited for so long.I need to get out of this moment that is so stressful.I hear people say that someone became an overnight sensation.What crap!!! By the time those dreams come to pass, you have died a thousand deaths,lost hope and gotten back.Plus life loses its meaning.So you go back to where you started and hope that your dreams will come to pass.

I need to get back to where l dreamt big dreams and knew it would actually come to pass.How do people go through this stage and live to tell about it in a victorious session? I guess that is where my journey will start.

You still have the thunder girl!!!

2009-06-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

Wassup!!! Today l spoke to someone who was referred to me by a friend.Oh!! my friend went on about something until this person said...ok lets call her up.

Anyways, what really got me was that this person,who l have never met, reminded me how it used to be when l was psyched up doing fundraising and communications.

Lately,that is up to like 2 hours ago, l have been having those moments that are called discouraging.Hmmm!!! l never had a lot of those.But the gist of this share is that l am now feeling alive.Is it because they just believed l could do this insurmountable task or what?I can't quite put my little finger on it.All l know is that l have gotten challenged to stop laxing,to stop giving excuses and stop acting like the rest of the crowd.

This is when l know God surely loves me. That at your end He sends someone to remind you that you still have the thunder in your spirit.That you can still achieve your dreams no matter how idealistic they seem to be.And for that...l am grateful...truly grateful.

Ruthless, lack of loyalty..Obama?

2009-05-29T02:28:00.000-07:00

Have you read last and this week's Newsweeks? There is an article in last week's Newsweek which is an exclusive interview with President Obama. This week there is one title Getting to Know Obama. The following were my comments to Newsweek.

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Mr Jacob Weisberg's piece ..Getting to Know Obama...throws in a catch 22 spanner into the whole Obama personality and leadership style. Jacob's piece is what l need to temper the Obama on Obama article. Yet in my heart of hearts l don't want to hear that He is ruthless, arrogant and that he has a lack of loyalty(hey read the article.Not my words). So this is the part l agree wholeheartedly that everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

As a Kenyan, l want to read Jon Meacham's interview with Obama and leave it at that. That interview clearly tells me that there is a responsible president on board and a world leader to reckon with.

And so my dear editor, this is the part where l feel compelled to quote John Adair from his book Inspiring Leadership where he says..."Thought precedes decision;decision leads to action.Depending on the circumstances, and especially upon the degree of crisis, as a leader you need to know when to cut off the debate and to initiate the action phase." Some paragraphs in Jacob's article actually agree with the above statement. Obama is a man who likes to make decisions and stick to them. Plus he is surrounded by competent advisers.

I don't like the tempering bit but it helps me stay sober about this man whose personality easily overwhelms. This is a man with a lot of common sense. And believe me, common sense is not so common.

I wonder ..four years from now what....

2009-05-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

There is something funny that happens when you read your entries of them days.You could have two reactions.It would either be shock at your naivity or brilliance.You would also be wondering what happened that you had either reaction.

Today is such a day.It is kinda going to 8.30pmish here in a cold Nairobi and l am reading some of my old entries.I laugh aloud at my struggles and victories of gone years.Hmmm!!!!! I keep wondering...what will l be saying about this part of my life when l look back 4 years from now?

All l know is that life is in God's hands.I can't wait to see what l will say.I only pray it will be of no regrets.

Hmmm!!! So how are your goals doing?

2009-05-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm!!! June is here....at least around the corner.Can you believe that...June 2009.So checklist of your goals that were set at the beginning of the year.I know.Been there, done that bought a tshirt and baby won't you believe..it didn't fit.

Anyway...l have decided to be kind to myself and to always remember God is in control.God knows it all and God will not let me go through what l can't handle.I love Him completely even though sometimes not so perfectly.I still am in love with Him for who and what He is to me.

Now that right there...is a goal l want to keep having.Loving God completely even though l know He knows it is not so perfectly.

OBAMA MANIA HAS HIT HOME...AND RIGHTLY SO!!!

2008-11-05T04:27:00.000-08:00

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees...tumeshinda OWADA!!!! Thank You Jesus. Oh my goodness. This man came close. Yes he deserves..not that Mccain doesn't eeeeh coz truth be told they really fought it out fair and square. Just that Obama has worked so hard for this.

The message of hope is what we all need. People are experiencing foreclosures left right and center. The inflation is not helping. Plus every time you put on your telly, its like bad news is having a field day.

So when someone comes along with a message of hope and encouragement, he or she will be embraced.We need hope that we can become better, love more and do more for our country. The one who gives you a message of hope propels you to a platform of greatness starting with the mind.It helps you visualize and see how better a world this can be. It helps you see that you can actually do it.You can actually make it happen.Plus this guy came from a background that is so mixed grill that your everyday Joe identifies.

Dear God remind us that You can pick us from wherever we are to greatness.That our background doesn't matter if we avail ourselves to You.It is beautiful to know You God.

THANK YOU SENATOR OBAMA

2008-11-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

You can forgive my enthusiasm. I am Kenyan. But on this historic eve,l want to say that Obama gives me hope. He represents what we yearned for when we were kids. When you would be asked what you want to be when you grow up and without flinching you would say...an astrounaut, doctor, lawyer or whatever it is you wanted to be.

I want to go back there.Because to go back there is to achieve what you want written on your tomb stone.To go back there and start all over again is to acknowledge that there is hope for the human race.To go back there is to say God still does miracles.

So today as the world prepares to watch the outcome of the election..l want to be the one who says thank you Senator Obama for reminding me that l can make it and that l shall make it.For matching word for action.For not relenting even when you had all odds against you. Sir you have made believers of us. Your winning will not only be for the United States...it will be for all the underdogs in the world. It will be for the African nations.It will be for all those that seek encouragement.

CALL ME WHEN YOU DO

2008-08-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

Thank God for all His mercies. Yes sweets...l got me a job..no its more like..God got me a job and

that is humbling. There's nothing l did to deserve this. Good salo and benefits. No nothing l did to deserve this. I keep hearing people saying that l prayed and fasted and twisted and what not. Trust me...this l know for sure..God decided it was time for me to have this job. I thank Him for this opportunity. I tell you l have never been this grateful for something.

I have never wanted something this bad and then felt so helpless when it delayed. I have never learned my patience lesson..that is up till now. So l cannot take any credit for this. Believe me when l say..l didn't do anything to deserve it. I guess it was God's timing that totally humbles me.

I whined, cried, begged, shouted, threw 3000 tantrums and then calmed down. When l was already very calm and l mean like still waters only then did l see something that appeared to be a mirage of what l desired. This time it was a mirage that became the true oasis.

My sister said yesterday...it was worth the wait. Yes it was.

Have you ever waited for something that was promised and no one was telling you no...just wait? Have you ever waited and wanted to pull the hairs out of your head or even went ahead and knocked your head on the wall? Now have you ever waited until all you could do is busy yourself until you got so tired then you slumped and slept and waited some? Baby call me when you do coz l have been there..done that, bought a t-shirt....it didn't fit. Call me when that happens coz you will sure have a story to tell.

Patience is crazy for some of us. The only way God can teach some of us is through these experiences.Now when l say to you in a tough moment that this too shall pass...l know that this too shall indeed pass....

Just about to exhale

2008-08-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

haaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh that is the feeling have right now. Finally something l wanted has started. They call it teething issues. But slowly l am learning that to make anything happen, patience is of the main essence. I hope in the middle of all of this l will find my footing...sooner than later.

Here's to a dream l have ...

2008-07-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have been writing this entry in my head for the last one week or so. Life is funny. Just when you think things aren't working out life hands you a surprise. Glad that there are beautiful surprises mostly wrapped up in people who have decided to be kind human beings.

When someone decides to make sure that your dreams become a reality, then you know that selflessness is not for those in other planets. I am so trying to make one of my dreams come true-financial stability. To tell you the truth...it takes work and loads of it. You get drained by the major and minor decisions you have to make. Dreams come true but the part they didn't say was that it was going to be tough but doable. l am there right now ...wishing that soon l will be grateful for these moments of crossing my fingers hoping that everything will soon be in sync.

Some day l hope to just have worked hard enough to not have debts. I am working towards a debt free life.Dear God help. I have made it my immediate goal.That day should be six or slightly less or more months from now. I just pray l will have the stamina to work round the clock to make sure that this materializes.

A debt free life...what a life.aaaaaahhhh don't tell me about good debt and bad debt.No difference. I just want out of debt. If there is a God ...and l know He is there...please hear my prayer. That some day sooner than l think, other than waking up to a debt free life, l will have serious investments. Talk about a Change that l need.

I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON

2008-07-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

Today, l wished l came home to something very simple… a hug, listening ear and some tenderness. Ever had one of those moments? It happens whether you are married or single. The singles usually feel it most. Like today that was what l needed. So when you get someone who actually listens, you feel honored and appreciated. Yes this very independent woman has a soft bone in her. And yes, she is marshy on the inside. Its only the exterior that is intimidating.

I guess this feeling came on because l watched as one of the gentlemen on Apprentice Africa gave a lady a hug who was really crying her eyes out in what sounded like a hearty cry. Man, was she having a bad time. But just in time was a warm hug and the encouragement for her to let it all out. Yes, am a sucker for beautiful human relationships.

I am beginning to accept that human beings are selfish and self centered. We like to be taken care of, be the center of attention when things are not going our way. Yet when someone tells you that they are not having a great day, we don’t have time to ask…hey spill and let’s sort it out. Honey

l want to be that friend. I pray to God that l will be that person who when someone is having a dark spot in their lives, they can call me at night and just cry without saying anything. That l will be that friend who won’t want anything back in return. But that God and this universe will bring goodness and tenderness to my doorstep in return. Baby, l don’t wanna save the world coz l know l can’t. I just want to be part of the shoulder someone desperate will be leaning on. And in turn, l pray God gives me that…sweetness, tenderness and love.

ZIMBABWE, I CRY FOR YOU

2008-07-01T14:13:00.001-07:00

Wooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiii!!!!!

Zimbabwe, l cry for you
I cry with you, daughter of Africa
How long will you endure this torture?
How long will you perservere?

I hear you
When will this end?....you ask
Where are the rest of the voices?
Am l alone?
What went wrong?
What have l done to deserve this?
How do l end this?..you wearily ask

Mothers wail, children cry
Fathers are hungry and dying
Others have altogether left, emotionally and physically
The land no longer smiles
The money worthless
Helplessness, hopelessness, overwhelming fear grips even the boldest
Your beauty fading away
How do l end this?...you wearily ask

Africa, wail for your child
Stand up for her
She bleeds, she's been violated
She has tipped over and no longer on the brink
Africa wipe away the tear of that frightened girl
Protect the mothers, encourage the fathers
Give hope to the youth
Mother Africa, where is your wise voice? where is your protective hand?
Zimbabwe, l cry for you
I cry with you, daughter of Africa

By Maria Wanza...a dedication to the people of Zimbabwe. Hold on...We cry with you daughter of Africa

NO ROMANTICS IN LIVING YOUR DREAM

2008-06-28T11:25:00.000-07:00

I am watching very impressed at the Nelson Mandela concert in London. Good work to the organizers. But even more congrats go to Nelson Mandela.

I am sitting here and wondering how many trials this man had to go through to be what he is today. Those very lonely years in prison. Those very terrifying moments when he got tortured or when he watched his fellow men meet their untimely death. Oh the pain of seeing a dream come to pass. So today l will be happy that a man together with his colleagues fought for a better tomorrow for Africans. Even though l face some tough times because of a dream. I will stand and know that some day this too shall pass. Some day l will remember this moment. We romanticize living our dreams. There is nothing romantic about it. It is tough and scary and especially when you are broke. May God hear me and those like me who are following their dreams. May we get Angel investors and donors who believe in what we believe in.

So yes..today l tip my hat to this great man..Nelson Mandela.

Lord do you ever hear this?

2008-06-23T06:16:00.000-07:00

I have done interviews and told to wait. Now l sit here and l have been waiting. No, Lord l know it won't be long but this waiting is killing me in the process. I need a regular income. The regular income is going to be abit slow but it is coming. Lord what do l do till then? I am so in a mess. I thought l wouldn't be here again. But here l am. Sad and alone. This must be the end as l know it.
That is how l feel. Yes l have color on me but not enough. I needed to make some in the stock market. But my portfolio manager actually said...hold up. Put in only that which can last longer than two weeks. He's right. He doesn't wnat so much pressure that he can't help me out. So now l am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I need You Lord. Do you ever hear desperado prayers and come through like the knight you are?

I AM SERIOUSLY INTO HIM

2008-05-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

This was meant to have been done way back in March 2008.

Yes,March 2008. A month l will never forget. I resigned on the 4th March 2008 and moved on.Yes l did.

For some of my friends they are still in so much shock that l have to calm them down. They are still in a daze.I guess l really liked what l did. I still do.Just that now l am doing pure PR communications. I love it. It is fun and l am learning a lot on the job and applying what l already know in fundraising.

But most of all..l have learned about me.Dreams that were deep seated that were not getting out...suddenly find me as the reluctant one. Meaning..God is bringing big things into fruition.

I am here thinking Lord thank you l moved. I am happier.Of course the money and terms are better.But no one should lie to you, every place has its advantages and disadvantages. The pace here is frenetic. It could actually kill you in the process.But l am learning to be happy with what God has allowed to come into my life.Because He is in control.I love God seriously.I am so into Him..not because of what He does but who He is. I love Him. I love Him because of how He spoke through so many people about my future and the way He was patient when l doubted my strengths. I love Him for His genuine love for us mere mortals.

Oh yes l moved on.

FIGURE THIS OUT

2008-02-18T22:06:00.001-08:00

I am really trying hard to keep a straight face with this.I don't know how this happens but l ain't seeing the sense in it.I am in the middle of fighting to move to the next level in my life.But in the middle of all this a friend of mine is crying faul.Why?She says l am not allowing men into my life.Okay back up alittle.

My concept is that men always find or will find me ahead.The idea of waiting for a man to do stuff for me or do stuff together is ridiculous.I just don't know how to peg my dreams on a man.My mum says its because l haven't met the right one that l keep saying...l am yet to meet a man who keeps his word and one that l can go out with.I have people surrounding me all the time.But men who keep their word....weeeelll that is a story for another day.No.l don't have a standard so high that they can't meet it.

Just that it gets confusing when l am investing in my future and you hear a guy lament...so what will you hubby do for you if you are already moving this fast?Oh well,l ain't a man basher because l don't think it is godly.I will only venture to say...utanipata mbele.I need to keep moving and rocking the boat of my life. Meanwhile l look to God for everything.

Yes..its magic in the air

2008-02-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

And yes l feel magical today

Today is a day God reminded me again that He cares for the little things in my life.

Sitting at home early in the morning,someone decided to send me credit to my phone.That was overwhelming.Because just last night l was thinking l need to get money for my mo-phone.To others that might be an easy decision that doesn't seem to warrant a lot of headaches or calculation.But to someone like me who is starting again after losing everything to some investments, that is a big deal.

So it tells me that God knows all that l need and all the desires that l have.He knows them before l even mention them and is literally watching my back.

This was a beautiful reminder to say the least.I am in the middle of so much planning for my future.I am working and working around the clock so that some stuff happens in record time.I have never prayed like this. I have never needed God like this.I just need all to work out and move on smoothly.

I PRAY FOR THIS FOR KENYANS....

2008-01-22T08:10:00.000-08:00

Today has ended up on a high note.l guess l prayed for it in the morning.I mean when you get to listen to people like Joel Osteen, what do you expect? So today when l thought that kindness has escaped the human spirit, someone actually offers to pay for me a bill that was eating me up.Ok..that was God.

I wish as Kenyans we can find this spirit.A spirit of kindness.A spirit that transcends tribal lines. The spirit of giving selflessly and without any expectations to be given back.

Dear God give Kenyans that spirit ...l pray....

THESE TWO KENYAN MEN!!!

2008-01-21T06:53:00.000-08:00

Seems like l have been quiet about our situation in Kenya.No, l have not actually been quiet.I have been blogging for some people. So here l come.

I hate it..yes l HATE it that our politicians make utterances that cause chaos and then sit pretty in their villas with all the luxuries of the world.Yes l hate it that these two men are refusing to budge.When the elephants fight it is the grass that hurts.

Today, l spoke to a friend whose father and brother died.On top of that their Kisumu home and business was looted and burnt. This business was doing well.My goodness if you hear the hate in her voice and the bitterness in her breath...you will understand how painful starting again is and this time with no father or brother. I am praying for families like this one.

So yes...l have been quiet but seething.What has come over our Kenyan politicians?

Two men are actually holding the whole 33million of us at ransom.Two men who are putting this whole country to shame.Two men whose words have now caused rifts between communities.Yet two men who if they wanted this to all come to an end would actually say so and the country would move on. Just two men. So l pray for them.Because these two men have caused us as Kenyans, untold pain.Lord have mercy on these two men.

LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!!

2008-01-21T06:15:00.000-08:00

Hey wassup world...no l didn't die.Am still here. Thank God for life.In Kenya right now you can't take life for granted. That sunset right there is treasured.

Just that my life is painful.l am wondering does anyone loose everything and rebuild again? I hear those nice stories everyday of people who lost everything and rebuilt their lives to even greater heights with God.How the hell did they do that?I lost everything but took time to realize.Now l am wondering how l will start.Everyday l am numb.I wake up at 5am and yet cannot step out of bed.I sit there wondering..Lord how do l start all over again? How does anyone start again when all you worked for has been taken away from you?The feeling of helplessness is just too much. Then comes compromise.People who offer you everything you need but at a cost.Lord have mercy on me.

This month l am doing a 21day fast for my life.I am hoping that God won't take me for a ride.I know He won't but l am totally scared coz of that thing of waiting on God.It can be tough.It is tough.

Pray for me.If you know any tricks to get me back on my feet, share them.Realistic ones that is.Hehehehe.I love God for who He is.

THE PARADOX THAT IS KENYAN POLITICS

2007-11-20T02:52:00.000-08:00

Here is a topic l have been avoiding...but sometimes an acute lack of common sense goes missing from our leadership that avoiding this topic altogether is difficult.

I think this weekend’s nominations were the greatest shams on this planet. Leaders endorsing defeated candidates are disgraceful human beings. To say it politely, they are shameless. It all comes down to human beings using force and a lot of it. I am saddened by the violence that was witnessed across the country during the nomination primaries. But this violence is a sign that leaders are not listening to wanjiku.

Do you know the paradox that is Kenyan politics? The paradox is that Kenyans have witnessed a growth in democratic space and therefore have found their voices. Finding their voices has helped them learn to say what kind of leadership they want. The other side of that coin is that if they don’t like something and it is being forced down their throats, they go berserk.

This is not the Kenya where you could force any decision down the throats of docile human beings. This is a Kenya that has found its own voice. The leadership in this country should be aware of that. Something else, leaders should remember the euphoria goes both ways. This simply means that the same voters who thunder your praises when they think you are right are the same ones who will crucify you if they even think that you crossed the line.

We as Kenyans have suddenly learned to hold our leaders to their promises. So if you ask me, those who promised heaven had better be ready to deliver it together with the angels therein.

TAKE A BREAK DEAR, WORK AIN'T GOIN NOWHERE

2007-11-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

Leo hii, am tired. I just travelled from Voi this weekend and my body is just tired.So here are some thoughts.....l was thinking....that people need to learn to take a break when their bodies get tired.

I just don't get it when l see humans insisting on working while fatigued.Tired human beings are just useless.They make unbelievable mistakes.When a surgeoun has been on his feet for over 12 hours don't you think that is a tired man or woman?So why would l want someone like that operate on another human being?

When you are tired you get irritable in terms of mood.But you also become vulnerable to diseases because your immune system is compromised. A compromised immune system gives way to a sick body and what can you do with a sick body?

Next time you get fatigued and want to press on...remember all the above.A healthy individual is a more alert worker and therefore more productive.All the employers said ....AMEN

SO NOT IT IS MY TURN TO ASK....

2007-11-08T00:27:00.000-08:00

Hey wassup...

Dreary moments.Exciting moments.Painful moments.Confusing moments.

Moments in my life.I kinda need a huge miracle.A miracle that will erase pain and stuff.The other day l heard about someone's miracle about how God financially saw them thtrough.The lady lost her money in pyramid schemes. It became very hard to exist with the remaining funds because they were practically nil. But God.I love that phrase...But God. So now an opportunity opens and she is going out to work.All the money that she lost is going to be recovered...plus more.To tell you the truth...that amazed me.

I guess for me that is really something because it is an opportunity that has come when she just needed it.That l love.So today is my day of asking Lord won't you remember me? Know that song of pass me not oh gentle saviour....?

TO DREAMS COMING TRUE...

2007-10-19T04:24:00.000-07:00

Hey wassup.....

God is good.No not because of what He does but who He is.I guess l am saying that alot nowadays.

I have been learning one thing ...that God has alot planned for you that is good.No l am saying this with all the honesty that l can master.Everyday l am realizing that the Lord will always watch out for me no matter what it is l am doing and that He hears those little bathroom prayers that l make.The bathroom prayers are those small things that you cannot imagine He the Lord of Lords actually heard it. So when it happens, it kinda takes you by surprise.

So leo hii,l am praying that what l hope and pray for, what you pray and hope for will actually come to pass.

Those dreams that become persistent prayers of...Dear God,l wanna do this or that, l wanna build a sawa house for me and my folks, l wanna travel the world or what not ...l pray they will come true. Here's to the Lord making our dreams come true...Cheers.

He loves me inspite of me

2007-10-12T01:19:00.000-07:00

Wassup
God is good all the time.I am learning that life is going to hand me lemons but like someone said...make lemonade instead.

Have you ever gone through a loss you thought dear Lord how am l getting out of this?

Yeah,went through that not out of the woods completely but thanking God that He loves me inspite of myself.