Taking Off

The weigh in

2008-11-22T11:20:00.001-06:00

I can't call these weekly weigh ins anymore. Afer several years of dieting now, weekly updates seem a bit unnecessary. The last several weeks have gone by without the support of a Weight Watchers group. I've losely tracked the points in my food, on a few very depressed days indulged in a nasty binge, then regrouped and got my food discipline back in place. My binge and a few days of painful fluid retention that my prescription diuretics wouldn't help caused a ten pound gain. Ten pounds in less then two weeks. How fast my body gains weight always surprises me. Getting back on the good food wagon wasn't easy. I didn't want good nutritious vegetables. I was still craving pizza and nachos with spicy salsa, cool guacamole and sour cream. However, I was out of balance. I'd indulged in the fatty foods I'd been craving and it was time to bring more fruits and veggies back. It worked. This morning when I weighed in, I was at 247.4, only four tenths of a pound more than I was three weeks ago. While it is a gain, I'm proud. Having a binge is a human behavior. It's not the end all and be all of dieting bad behavior. It's a slip up, and I made sure that I didn't stay down. That's why I'm proud.

Weight change: +.4 pound, Total weigh loss: 132.6 pounds

My problems with Fat Acceptance

2008-11-20T00:51:00.004-06:00

I've been surfing through Fat Acceptance blogs, and as usual, I came away with such mixed feelings. I've been promoting self acceptance regardless of size since before I'd ever heard of NAAFA, and that was when I was a teenager. I've known for a long time that I was way more than my ample body, and that my worth shouldn't depend on such a superficial standard. I'm also a dieter, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished with relearning and rebuilding food and exercise habits.

That's the essential conflict for people seriously concerned with Fat Acceptance. Some would say that because I diet, I'm a self-loathing sellout trying to fit a stereotype and a shameless praise seeker because I'm a public dieter. My quickest and easiest response to that is, "Bullshit." However, like most quick and easy answers, it's neither completely true nor false, and I want to have the guts to admit it.

I'm never going to fit the currently desired mold for a woman. I'm built big and round. I always have been, and I always will be. The top target goal weight for a woman of my height in the Weight Watcher's program (that I would recommend to anyone who wants to lose weight) is less than I weighed when I graduated from high school, and I feel it's a bit unrealistic that I'd ever successfully maintain that weight 30 years down the road. Even if I did reach that weight, I'd still be a size that others call fat. In black and white thinking, that leads to two choices, give up on dieting or continue to diet only to still be marginalized.

Well, here's the deal. I won't be marginalized. I was told for years that a woman of my size could not work successfully in outside sales, yet that's how I supported my family for years. I've worked to be treated with respect by health care providers and let the disrespectful ones know why they lost my business. (If you don't see medicine as a profit based business as well as a healing profession, where the hell have you been?) I've made every effort to dress well, including complaining to stores that provided shoddy service or merchandise to larger people or no merchandise at all. I've called bigots on their fat prejudices both privately and publicly. Do not tell me that because I diet I can't be pro-fat acceptance. I don't expect every one to care about my diet results. I don't need the whole world's support or praise, but my journey through weight loss, and my relationship with food and body image is of interest to some people, and I love the support they've given me.

I know that I'll never have the "ideal" body, and that's not what I'm shooting for. I'm shooting for health and physical comfort. As I've gotten older, some of this fat has gotten harder to carry. Multiple knee and ankle injuries have both been eased by shedding some weight. I support Health At Every Size, but I also want Health At Every Age, and what my body could handle in my 20s and 30s is different than what I can do nearing 50. That brings up another bone of contention about the fat acceptance blogs I read.

Every blog author who identified their age range was significantly younger than I am. To be fair, many authors did not identify their age. While the standard of beauty is near an all time thinness, the degree of fat acceptance now is higher than it has ever been in my lifetime. Praising anorexics for self-starvation is now regarded as a sick thing to do. When I was a teen, those behaviors were encouraged and praised for their discipline. More than one well meaning person suggested to me that I should make myself sick every now and then when I was a kid. On top of that, I've gone through more years of putting up with crap about my size, and it has taken a toll.

I do have body image issues. I won't deny them. A vertical cut C-section (on which I was not given a choice but at the time didn't care) bisected my stomach muscles, and no amount of exercise will eliminate that weakness. Pregnancy, breastfeeding and aging have made permanent changes in my breasts. I'd love for my boobs and belly not to sag. Nothing will get rid of the scars left by a chronic illness that is not caused by weight. Aging and weight loss combined have had me rethink some positions on plastic surgery. I like being pretty, and I think I could look better. I also think I already look pretty damn good and don't really want to look like a kid again. I don't think that my appearance is always up for judgment, and I think that people who feel compelled to judge every woman's appearance have more issues than I do. I also have some food issues. I don't hoard and binge on candy bars or chips, but there are times I misuse food. I went on a structured diet in part to build healthier eating habits and get good in perspective. It's tricky territory. In reading the FA blogs, more than once I got the feeling that the authors held the attitude that if someone did admit to dealing with self and body acceptance issues, it meant that they were hopelessly unenlightened. Granted, that's a perception and not an accusation, but words can be slippery things.

Fat Acceptance is an issue that affects both the personal and political arenas. I want a level playing ground for everybody, and we're nowhere near that. Work has to be done in the public arena to halt the demonization and scapegoating of fat. On the personal side, what I do with my body is my business. You can like or hate my decision to diet, but either way, it's my choice.

fat acceptance, dieting

The weekly weigh in

2008-11-01T13:29:00.002-06:00

I found out this week my insurance got cancelled, yet another fun thing in my life now. That means that my time as an official Weight Watchers member is over. Until I'm gainfully employed again, I'm going this on my own, and I'm just grateful that it's really pretty routine now. The group support means a lot though, and I'll miss it, but I'm lucky. I have a lot of support from my family and friends, and that helps a lot.

My biggest challenges will continue to be keeping enough variety in my diet to keep food fun and interesting. It's so easy to do the same meals over and over until my body is screaming for something new. Food should be a pleasure, and it's taken me a long time to get that back. Eating healthily is not just a discipline. It has meant expanding my palate to a wider variety of tastes. It has meant eating consciously, and savoring my food. I craved McDonald's french fries today but couldn't finish my order. I let myself really taste them, and they were really good, but only a touch of grease and salt were all I needed to be satisfied when my mind and mouth were simultaneously engaged. Honestly, the biggest food challenge I face is allowing the time to plan and prepare good meals for one. Food is a necessity. Enjoying food is a matter of principle. Time spent just on doing something nice for myself is a luxury.

That last point really brought home to me that the lessons I've learned through this diet journey have more to do with life and how I want to live than with food or body shape and size. This long haul of a diet has reinforced to me that I have value and am worthy of good treatment and respect. The changes in my body have not made me valuable. I've just learned to treat myself better, and that has helped create some changes. It's the simplest lessons that have to be driven home over and over again.

This morning, I stepped on the scales for the first time in days, a good thing for me. That's a lessening in some of the diet related obsession. My weight was 247.0. I lost 2.4 pounds in the last week even with Halloween candy, bringing my total weight loss to 133 pounds. I'm feeling pretty good.

diets, weight loss

The Weekly Weigh In

2008-10-26T01:29:00.002-05:00

I used to put just which week I was in on my weekly weigh in entries. However, just how freaking long have I been doing this now? I really have lost track.

I think I'm in the beginning of my third year with Weight Watchers. That's a little scary, but I've also learned the absolute best lesson about dieting that I could have: Don't impose a timeline on your body as you're learning to change your habits. This way it truly becomes a lifestyle change rather than a diet. So much of Weight Watchers just feels truly natural to me now. I automatically count my points as I eat. As I've crossed weight and age thresholds, I've adjusted my daily points downward without having to think about it. Water, fruit and veggies are just what I consume, and if I don't, I miss them. I've accepted that weight fluctuations are just normal, and that plateaus, even lengthy plateaus, are just part of dieting.

I've still got a lot that I need to change. This week, I've been fighting cravings. Cravings are normal and natural. I firmly believe that a craving is sometimes just your body telling you what it needs. Those are good cravings, even if the food you're craving isn't one that's traditionally considered a good-for-you food. That kind of craving is a reinforcement of the mind-body-spirit connection. Then there are the cravings that aren't so good for you. I'm not talking about the craving for potato chips that is satisfied after eating a moderate serving, and you realize that all you're tasting is grease and salt. I'm talking the ones that just won't go away.

For me this week, it was bread and butter. I'm not a big bread person. Oh, I enjoy restaurant bread sticks and rolls, and I have friends who make homemade breads to die for, but bread is normally a food that I can just take or leave. Not this week. The womanchild did the grocery shopping for me this week. Her frugality means that she doesn't necessarily pick out the brands, particularly the diet brands for certain foods that I do. I usually get a one point for two slices diet brand of whole wheat bread. She picked up plain white bread. One afternoon, it felt like I just couldn't stop. One plain piece of white bread slathered with real butter after another. I actually ate more than half my points for the day on bread and butter. Real butter -- that's a food item I don't compromise on. I'll take a real food over processed chemical margarine any day. The extra calories are worth the taste, and normally I use butter with extreme caution.

Now, I believe that a little indulgence every now and then is not only normal but healthy. This was different though. It was a binge. I was not in control. I'd quit really enjoying the food a good while before I quit buttering the bread, and I just had that sick, compulsive feeling in my emotional gut. It was the latter that got me off the butter trail. I wasn't going to do this to myself any longer. I did have to use some extra discipline to stop the binge. I called a friend who is excellent at helping me look at myself and what's really going on in my life. I put both the bread and butter where they weren't immediately visible. I went out and worked in the yard. Eventually the cravings did go away, but they served as a good reminder not to give up on learning more about eating healthy both emotionally and physically.

Despite the binge, I lost 1.6 pounds this week. That makes my current weight 249.4 and my total weight loss 130.6 pounds. This is less than I've weighed in 20 years.

weight loss, diets, Weight Watchers

The Weigh In

2008-10-18T17:09:00.002-05:00

This plateau I've been on has been driving me crazy, and when something is making me nuts, I have to find a way to either change or make peace with the situation. Being the list maker that I am, I first had to determine what the possible root of the problem was and came up with several possible solutions.

1. A nine month plateau could be a signal that this weight, though significantly overweight is where your body wants to be. It's a very viable possibility.

2. I haven't been truly diligent about points tracking. I'm into my second year of this. It's routine. Worse, it's old. I've been around longer than some of the instructors. When I go to meetings, I'm not hearing much new anymore, and new info keeps me motivated and going.

3. Possibly, I haven't made the best food choices for awhile. That won't explain nine months, but it will part of it.

4. I know I've been less active. There's no doubt about that. I don't remember the last time I did Pilates. The exercise ball is dusty, and I haven't been walking in over a week. Definitely not good. This is not the only spell I've had like this.

These are four good, viable options. Each of them has its own merit. The first is both the most comforting and the scariest. This doesn't get the media's attention like the "obesity epidemic", but there are overwhelming amounts of scientific evidence that a person has little control over their body size. Fat people tend to stay fat, and thin people tend to stay thin. I don't think I'll ever be thin. I'm just not built that way. Rounded breasts, belly and hips are a part of me. They always have been. I look at my thin daughter, and she has a belly at barely over 100 pounds. That said, I'd still like to be smaller. I'd like to take more pressure off my knees and ankles. I want to really be able to hike again, not just walk on a level track. There are all sorts of reasons to keep this weight loss up. That is, if my body isn't at that range it says is normal for me. If that's true, continuing to diet is just beating my head against a wall, and I want the gray matter I have left.

The other three possibilities I listed are controllable behaviors. It only take a minute or two after every meal to track my points. Eating good food for me has always been a simple issue of planning well with respect to my budget. The last is the easiest to control. All I have to do is stay off my butt. Since I made my list, I've done well at controlling 2 and 3. I've had lots of veggies, cut down more on soft drinks and upped the water intake. I'm making efforts to stay on my feet and moving good chunks of the day, even if it's traditional exercise. So far, so good

This morning, I went to my Weight Watchers meeting. I missed last week. I knew I'd lost some weight. I could feel it, but I really wanted to know now much. I'd lost 6.6 pounds in two weeks, bringing my total weight loss now to 129 pounds. This is officially the smallest I've been in 21 years.

Am I off my plateau? I don't know. It's too soon to tell, but today's weigh in felt so good, and I just want to keep on going.

diets,weight loss, Weight Watchers

67% of My Size

2008-10-01T23:39:00.005-05:00

Last night I watched People Magazine's Half My Size Challenge on TV. I was actually hoping to see some people who were half the size they used to be, because if I reach the Weight Watchers healthy weight range for a woman of my height, I will have lost more than half my size. I may not have gotten to see people who have done that, but I still got a good dose of inspiration and a few smiles recognizing the struggles the Mississippi Eight faced.

I've needed a boost. I started trying to make changes in my life and health four years ago. I found myself weighing close to 400 pounds. I hurt with every step I took, but after nearly an entire lifetime of diets, I'd practically given up. I had resigned myself to being an uninsurable, socially unacceptable object of ridicule and probably dying young. To rehash some previously blogged history, I decided to just start trying to live in a healthier way. In two years, I'd lost close to fifty pounds. In the elasticized world of plus sizes, that meant one pants size and a difference in my appearance that felt minuscule. For fifty pounds.

When my blood pressure skyrocketed after a lifetime of being in a normal range, I decided to up the effort. My doctor recommended that I join Weight Watchers. I've been doing this for two years now, and have dropped another 80 pounds. That brings my weight loss now to 124 pounds. I am proud of that, and I've worked very hard to accomplish that. I've now dropped seven clothing sizes and don't hurt when I walk...unless I really push myself harder than I need to go yet. I no longer sleep with a CPAP for sleep apnea and my blood pressure is normal with the help of medication.

I've got good solid evidence that this is working for me. That alone is motivation. However, I'm still 82 pounds over the top of my recommended weight range. I weigh one pound more now than I did in January. I gained seventeen pounds between January and May and lost 16 of them since June. Basically this year has been one big weight loss plateau. Honestly, my body is comfortable here, and my appearance has changed dramatically. I enjoy having a hint of a waistline but know the hard truths about how fat fills in wrinkles and age affects upper arms.

So, what's the big fat deal? Having lost this much weight, I ought to feel fantastic about myself, my discipline and stick-to-it-tiveness. I ought to feel like a role model, and instead, blah. It's not enough that I've lost a whole lot of weight. I've actually lost more than my daughter's entire weight. It's like a whole person has left my body. I've done it slowly -- the healthy, sane and sensible way to lose weight --and that makes it feel like no big deal. Plus, I'm still fat -- really fat. I no longer feel like a grotesque caricature of a woman. Saying I'm an attractive woman isn't just an effort to build up my self-esteem. It's the truth. It's been three years since a person threw a milkshake at me from a moving car while yelling an insult about my size, but sales girls still give me that look and say, "We don't carry anything to fit you." And I still have skinny acquaintances who think I lie about stuff like that.

My mind keeps circling around instant gratification. Is this truly significant weight loss and life change less meaningful because it's taking time? I feel like I should already be at my goal weight, and honestly feel like somewhat of a failure because I'm not. I know my lack of satisfaction is linked to more than my weight. Much of the last year has been a huge emotional ass whipping.

To keep up the work I want to do, I need to feel good about what I've done. Yes, you can take that as a shameless plea for positive feedback and praise, but it's also "just the facts". If I'm not deriving pleasure from my results, I simply won't keep up with the process. Part of my mind is judging the merits of goals, motivations and inspirations, and another part is wondering how I can feel pleasure again.

Last night's TV show helped. I don't remember the name of the dieter who touched me the most, but she was a young black woman who lost only 19 pounds and worked damned hard for every ounce. The change in her body was noticeable as they had their final weigh in. I wish I had her dedication to exercise. I can't even imagine trying to run a 5K, and she completed one. She was in last place, and every other contestant went back to join her as she crossed the finish line. She had the courage to perform in a belly dancing recital, and she was absolutely beautiful. I was truly inspired.

I still don't enjoy exercise, but I really want to. Even with the cooler temperatures, walking is a still a chore. After only two miles I'm dripping sweat, huffing and puffing and feel like I can't go on. I know I used to feel that way after making it to the end of the block. I just haven't found an aerobic exercise that feels right to me, and I need one. I want one. Besides the fat burning, I want to improve my flexibility and grace, and I'd love to pick my c-sectioned belly up off my thighs. Current circumstances mean this has to be something I can do solo, and I need to broaden my search.

I know the challenges I'm facing, and they're a little intimidating. However, I am keeping on and will continue to take off.

Half My Size Challenge, 100 pound weight loss, weight loss, motivation, exercise

This poor neglected blog

2008-08-30T18:54:00.003-05:00

Last fall I lost internet service for a few months, and then I had to suspend Weight Watchers for a while. After that, well, my life hit some challenges, and I just haven't felt like blogging. During this interim, I didn't give up trying to lose weight or trying to figure out this complicated relationship I have with food, size and body image. As for the rest, life is still challenging, I don't really feel like blogging, but I know this has been a powerful tool for me, and writing about weight, diet, body image, beauty and exercise is easier than writing about the rest of my life now. When it comes to blogging, I'm definitely a personal blogger. However, I've been steeped in "the personal is the political" for most of my life, so make of that what you will.

It hit me the other day that I've been seriously involved in improving my health and eating habits for a little over four years now. During that time I've lost a little over 122 pounds. It took me two years to lose fifty pounds by just trying to live in a healthier way. The last two years (with a three month interval where I tried to work the program on my own but wasn't officially registered) I've been on Weight Watchers. I still have over 90 pounds to lose before I reach a recommended weight for a woman of my age and height. Whether I choose to reach that specific weight is still up in the air. I want to see what weight I'll be where I'm comfortable with both my health and appearance.

Fourteen weeks ago I rejoined Weight Watchers. In that time, I've lost 15.8 pounds. I'd lose a few pounds one week and gain a few the next. I've kept a graph tracking my weight loss. The weekly ups and downs drove me crazy. Then I changed it to show just my monthly results. The data is the same, but that line is much more visually appealing. It's a little thing but it helps me ride up the temporary gains and plateaus. I've learned that my favorite espadrilles weigh 1.6 pounds and my flip flops weigh .6 pounds. When I was weighing with and without shoes at home (because you have to wear shoes at meetings), I just had to laugh at myself. That's the kind of craziness I've tried to avoid in treating this as not a diet. Being able to recognize it and laugh at it was a victory for me.

I'm definitely back in the healthy foods realm of eating, lots of veggies and lots of water, and this feels good. So many people I know have gardens that I stayed stocked in tomatoes, zucchini, okra, squash and peppers. There really is nothing like food fresh from the soil. There's a world of difference in eating a strawberry grown four miles down the road and one shipped to Tennessee from California. I'm sorely tempted to plan a small garden for next year. Vegetable stands keep me in fresh peaches, melons and cantaloupes. Maybe it's having a vegetarian daughter, but I've come to love beans after hating them most of my life.

I'm also exercising more, walking regularly, doing some yoga and pilates and working with hand weights. I've given up my gym membership because I wasn't using it. I do miss the weight machines, but I was missing them while paying dues, and I can miss them with a little more money in my pocket. The other night, I walked for two miles. It may not sound like much, but it's a big improvement for me. Better mobility is one of the best benefits of weight loss for me. My knees and ankles don't grind with every step now.

This year, I've felt like I've been hit with a lot, and taking care of myself hasn't been easy, but it's been important, and I'm proud of what I've done.

diet, 100 pound weight loss, Weight Watchers

Catching Up

2007-11-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

I've been without internet for a few weeks, but I haven't quit working Weight Watchers. It's now been one year and seven weeks, and I've lost 80. 8 pounds. The last few weeks have not been easy. I had a four week plateau for the month of September. That was so frustrating that I then gained weight for the first three weeks of October. Gaining weight three weeks in a row scared me. Everything I'd heard or read about how diets don't work, and everybody regains the weight they lose and more, my experiences doing exactly that just pounded through my head.

I took a good look at where I had been, where I was now and then imagined where I could be. That's what I want. I'll never be skinny. The weight I want to weight won't even be thin by most people's standards, but I have the feeling that it's going to be just right for me. I gave up feeling worried and rebellious about tracking my food, and just started doing it again. It's no big deal really, but I had mentally worked it up into a big hassle. Now I just do it. I've also lost for the last three weeks in a row and weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant with the seventeen year old womanchild. I'm back on track. I've been gently humbled, strongly encouraged, and I'm actually wanting to exercise. It's all good.

Total loss -- 80.8 pounds. I'll figure out the other numbers later.

The belly

2007-10-02T01:25:00.000-05:00

Though I'm trying to move away from the obsession that dieting can bring, my body is still heavily on my mind. I've been wondering lately if a lot of what I've thought as weight obsession is really shape obsession. I've been browsing plus size shopping sites lately, something I've never really done. When you pass the standard plus sizes, you don't dare buy anything without trying it on. Even the measurements provided by the better catalogues and web sites aren't always reliable, and the amount of elastic in plus sizes can sometimes make sizes meaningless.

One of the sites I visited gave style recommendations by body shape. There were the standards that I knew, the rectangle, the apple, the hourglass, the pear, the inverted triangle, but they also included one I'd never seen in any fashion magazine or catalogue -- the oval. Well, goodness, here was finally the shape that fit me: broad, sloping shoulders, full breasts, high defined waistline not small enough to form a true hourglass, round belly, full hips, flat ass, small (in comparison) legs and arms, delicate wrists and ankles. First, I got tickled thinking that I was just a big stack of eggs, then I got ticked thinking how much time I've spent hating my shape.

I could play football without shoulder pads. Going from a training bra to a D cup at the age of ten was its own special hell. I've been grateful for the legs and arms though. I can't really call my legs small. I was a long distance bike rider when I was a teen, and that developed prominent muscles, including broad strong calves. However, they and my small wrists and ankles did allude to both the strength and delicacy my body possessed.

...i am determined
to love my body
I live here in this body.
It is home

However, no matter what I did, there was the belly, and that was the worst.

Oh, how I've hated having such a stomach. When you carry your weight front and center, there's no hiding it. I've longed for flat abs all of my life, and no matter how many stomach crunches I've done, the belly just wouldn't go away. The first time I watched Little Miss Sunshine, I nearly cried during the short scene when Olivia is backstage at the beauty competition, looking at herself in the mirror and sucking in her stomach. I remember being that age and younger and doing the same thing. (I looked amazingly like Abigail Breslin when I was a kid, the big eyes, the long hair, and that was my body.) Being pregnant furrowed my belly with stretch marks, and then delivery bisected it with a vertical C-section beginning at my navel and ending at its now double dipping lowest curve. I've joked that if I could turn my head around backwards, my stomach would now like a much better ass than my real derriere. On top of all that, hidranitis suppurativa has dotted it with raised purple scars that tunnel and get larger.

With beauty being only skin deep, my belly misses every aesthetic standard our culture has for a female body, yet I am determined to love my body. I live here in this body. It is home, and I've wasted far too many years loathing it. I doubt this belly will ever go away. I passed the belly gene onto the womanchild. When she weighed 88 pounds with every vertebrae and rib standing out, and she, I and a team of doctors and nutritionists were fighting for her very life, she still had a belly. I'm doing around 25 crunches a day, and the decrease in inches in my abdomen is markedly smaller in proportion to what I'm losing in other body parts. (25 may not sound like much, but when I started exercising around nine months ago, I was proud to do five.) The muscles severed by Caesarean will never have the strength and tautness they once had, and this skin is undeniably stretched beyond its ability to rebound.

So how do I love what I'm told is unlovable? By going back to basics! Though I may not have abs of steel, I have a cast iron stomach whose digestion is only marred by migraine induced nausea. That soft, roundness which makes me anathema to fashion does make me very comfortable. The daughter, cats, husband and former boyfriends can attest to that. I have a lap that is meant to hold living things wanting love, and I have the heart to give them that love. Right now, that's all I can think of, but that's a pretty good beginning. Strength, comfort and love centered in my belly, yep, that's good enough.

body image, belly

Why the secrecy?

2007-09-28T23:39:00.001-05:00

I have one question that bugs me more than anything. What do I really look like? Oh, don't get me wrong, I know I look like me, but we live in a world of comparisons and benchmarks. It's also a world of lies, spins, deletions, obscurities and omissions. A woman's weight definitely falls into that category. It's considered more appropriate to ask someone their salary than it is to ask a woman her weight. These numbers are guarded like state secrets, and I'm really wondering why. I've been diet blogging for over a year now, and have still never directly mentioned exactly how much I weigh. It took me nearly a year before I could 'fess up to having weighed over 300 pounds.

Regardless of what size I wear or the inches I measure on a tape, I have no clue how that compares to other women. I've always felt like the largest woman in whatever room I was in, no matter what I weighed. I drive my family crazy by asking, "Am I about her size?" I'm never right. With my weight loss, I can't even eyeball clothing and guess that it would fit. My initial choices in clothing are always too large, and I always pick women who are a little smaller. Fearful/wishful thinking? I don't know.

So, what's the big deal? There's no denying I'm fat. Will people think I'm a much worse person if they know the number that goes with the fat than they do if they guess? Am I just moderately repugnant at say 190? a little disgusting at 225? gross at 250? katie bar the door obscene and a threat to our values at 300? or am I the same smart, sweet, funny, thoughtful, provocative, open minded, over the hill southern belle you've come to know and love? (See, I have done some work on that self esteem thing!)

So, when I came across this challenge, it floored me. People, this takes courage! Heck, I've never even had the guts to put out a full body pic in nearly four years of blogging. Looking at the results of her straw poll guessing game was even more interesting. I'm not the only one who has no clue what size people are!

So, I'm inspired, and I'm tired of hiding. I'm Cynthia. I'm 47 years old, 5'8", I weigh 259.6 and wear a size 24. I think I look pretty damn good.

The weekly weigh in, year 2 week 3

2007-09-28T14:14:00.000-05:00

Weekly summary: Weekly change, lost 5 pounds. Total weight loss, 76.6 pounds. Average weekly loss, 1.42 pounds.

I've been in a rough patch on my diet. I think it might be in part caused by hitting my anniversary. As many diets as I've been on in my life, I've never managed to last this long on one before, and I've never lost this much weight before either. Unfortunately, it's only normal for me that when things start going well, I start looking for things to go badly, and subconsciously, I look for ways to screw things up. It's taken me a helluva long time to realize that I do that, so I'm actually kind of proud that I've recognized it this soon and started doing something about it.

For the first time since I started this diet, the cravings for certain foods have kicked in. I've wanted not just pizza, but greasy pizza. The baked chips I've come to enjoy wouldn't do, and I had to have original Ruffles with canned onion dip. My onion dip is tastier and healthier than that junk, but that's what I wanted. I even had cravings for cake frosting, straight from the container. When I get to that particular craving, I know I'm in deep. The thing with Weight Watchers is that I can eat all of that stuff if I want it. The key is to keep an overall balanced diet, listen carefully to my body's hunger and thirst signals, and eat reasonable portions. But is that what I did? No, instead I just ate too much and wallowed in the guilt that I was blowing it Yet Again.

Then, my better brain kicked in again. I asked a few hard questions. Is my health where I want it? Well, no. Is the state of my body interfering in the way I want to live my life? Yes. Physical activity is still a burden and a chore. I can't really go hiking in the woods the way I want to. I have to stop and rest too often. I still get winded too fast and I still feel far weaker than I want. I'm still flat worn out in the evenings. My feet are still swelling, though not as much or as often. Has following this diet been hard? No. It's not easy to maintain a fairly tight grocery budget when you're eating good for you foods, but it can be done. I also don't like having more dishes to wash from more cooking, but I'm honestly eating better, more delicious foods than I have in my life. Haven't the results of this diet so far done more for your self-confidence than anything else that's happened in the last year (granted that this year has sucked royally otherwise)? Yes, so what's the problem?

this process involves
as much thought, emotional energy and honesty
as it does food planning and exercise

That was the kicker. The problem actually has several different aspects. The first I'd recognized. My poorly developed but growing self-esteem is not used to me thinking of myself as a success at anything, so I was pulling myself back into a comfortable pattern of failure. This has nothing to do with pounds lost, but with food and lifestyle choices. Meeting my goals means enjoying living a healthy life, and damn it, I have been and will be successful at this.

Lisa nailed part of it right on the head when she said something along the lines of my feeling like I'm betraying a group (fat people) I've advocated for most of my life. I am changing my body, and I like the results, and I still feel like all people regardless of size deserve a level playing field. Fat people don't get that, and most people don't recognize that fat bias is a heavily institutionalized prejudice. People can be healthy at many sizes and shapes, but I'm not healthy at this weight. I don't know if I'll ever be thin, but I don't want to be this fat. It's my body, my choice. (Hey, doesn't that sound vaguely like another feminist issue?) My dieting doesn't change the way I feel about people and respect, and if other voices fighting fat prejudice think that mitigates what I have to say, well, they can kiss my fat ....

Another problem is the tracking that Weight Watchers Flex Plan needs to be successful. There's nothing wrong with food journalling. It's not for everybody, but it's been a very useful tool for me though. Like most tools, if not used carefully, it can be dangerous, and I overdosed. I hate the obsession that can come with dieting. Constantly thinking about food, portion size, points, pounds, inches, exercise, my body, skin and muscle tone, water consumption and excretion has been driving me crazy. Yet, tracking is a tool I still need. I've been at this for over a year now, and I still work on proper portion size. Though I've made tremendous progress, learning my body's cues on fullness and hunger is still a journey. I needed to keep up the points tracking, but I had to back away somehow.

I've been using a WW 12 week journal. I switched to the weekly trackers that you can pick up at no additional cost at any meeting. In the weekly tracker, you can either write down everything you eat and the points or just check off the points that you consume through eating or gain through exercise. I started just checking off the points. That still felt like too much, so I got out the WW points bracelet that a friend gave me when I'd lost 20 pounds. It has a charm that can be moved around the faux pearl beads of the bracelet. Each bead is one point, and the bracelet is cutely divided with grey and black pearls to mark the five point marks and the beginning. It looks like any other costume jewelry bracelet, not a diet tool. That has definitely helped scale back the obsession but still keep track of my food.

These are just a few of the battles I have to fight to keep on with this program. There's just so much more to dieting than fewer calories in and more calories out. This process involves as much thought, emotional energy and honesty as it does food planning and exercise. The first three are really harder. I am making progress though. Today, when I stepped on the scales, I had lost another five pounds.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss, fat acceptance

The weekly weigh in, year 2 week 2

2007-09-22T08:13:00.000-05:00

Once again, I missed getting to a meeting this week, and once again, I gained weight. I'm struggling here, and that's all there is to it. I was getting pretty cocky about how easily my diet was going, and pride does go before a fall...or a gain. I know what I need to do.

However, the biggest thing that I need to do isn't to watch my food intake, my points or my exercise. It's much, much harder than that. The husband's been here for a couple of doctor's appointment and to visit the womanchild. With him came his potato chips, crackers, Little Debbies and Fig Newtons, his frozen pizzas, french fries and onion rings. My kitchen which was well stocked with healthy food is now overflowing with the junk I don't need or want to eat but am anyway. My grocery budget accommodated his tastes, not my needs, and I'm the one paying the price.

I could go off here on how this compares to other areas of our life, but I won't. It's time to get assertive. With anybody else, this is a problem. It never has been with him. I don't want to get bitchy though. Regardless of the separation and intended divorce, we're always going to be family. Nothing will change the fact that we're Mom and Dad, and I want us to respect that.

However, I'm going to respect myself and my health needs. I can't have a lot of junk food in the house and eat healthy. When shopping means either broccoli or chips, broccoli will win out if I'm doing the shopping, and that's simply the way it's going to be. I don't want to blame all of this on the husband, even though it is tempting. I don't think it's a coincidence that I didn't start consistently losing eating good foods and exercising until he was out of the house. He doesn't want to eat healthy, and it's no longer my problem. I can't let it become mine again.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss

New milestone

2007-09-18T09:17:00.000-05:00

For a few days, my daughter and I have been sleeping in the same room. When she doesn't feel good, she wants comfort, and my nearness is comforting. (Watch this mother's heart melt.) I don't use my CPAP when she's with me because the air release vent which allows me to exhale and the noise bothers her. Yesterday, she told me that I'm not snoring like I used to. My snoring used to be epic. You could hear me from any room in the house. So was my sleep apnea. My initial sleep study showed that I quit breathing roughly every seven seconds.

Well, the only thing impacting my ability to breathe that has changed has been my weight. Unfortunately, I'm still smoking. My allergies with this otherwise wonderful change of seasonal weather are in full swing. I also know that I only consciously woke once last night. Before I started using a CPAP, that usually happened about four times a night. I also didn't struggle with restless legs like I used to.

Even though I 'knew' that sleep apnea and excess weight were related, I hadn't thought about this getting better. It might be time to schedule another sleep study. The pressure in my CPAP might need to be adjusted. I might eventually not even need to use it. Oh, wouldn't that be nice. I almost can't imagine sleeping without tubes running from my nose now.

sleep apnea, weight loss

Eating for pleasure

2007-09-17T12:03:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite foods this time of year is muscadines, but it's a rare indulgence. This is the taste of late summer for me. When I was a kid in the suburbs, the land behind our house had not yet been developed. The edge of our lawn held a small vine of domestic table grapes that never really thrived and then a barbed wire fence covered with their wilder cousins. That rustic fence separated the tailored lawns and gardens of my very proper and self consciously new upper middle class suburb from an undeveloped field and patch of woods. The cotton field behind that is now filled with more subdivisions and commercial properties, and that wild vine disappeared when a more genteel wooden fence took the place of the barbed wire.

My friends and I would take the risk of tetanus shots and cuts from that rusted wire because those muscadines were just too good to resist. Nothing compared to standing barefoot in the weeds with our shirts held out to hold as many as we could get. Being suburban children, we'd cross the fence again and run through my backyard to wash the fruit under the garden hose. That rich heady fragrance seemed to hang in the air and linger on our hands, as we'd then collapse in the grass and eat our wild treat right then and there.

It took one decisive bite to pierce the thick skin. The fruit would then plop onto our tongues. You had to let it slide around your mouth before biting into it. You bit only so you could spit out the largish, flattened oval seed before letting the fruit slide down your throat. Then and only then did you chew the skin with its rich sweetness and faintly tart aftertaste.

Though muscadines range in color from grape green to bronze to burgundy to almost black, I always think of the black ones as true muscadines. Though not technically true, I think of the white ones as scuppernongs, but that is actually only one specific variety. The paler muscadines taste like sweeter grapes to me and lack that edge that provides the finish of the darker fruit. Because of my childhood, I also think of muscadines as a wild fruit, even though they've been cultivated for wines since the 1600s. I usually pick them up at vegetable stands, because you just don't see them in grocery stores often.

Last week, they were overflowing the produce aisle at my usual grocery store. I bought five quarts and started eating the first one on the way home. I finished the last of them today before I could realize my dream of making muscadine jelly. Since I've never made jelly unless I was at my mother's side, I knew this particular dream had little chance of becoming reality. However, I was transported back to a time when summer meant wildness, sweetness and freedom, when the heat was as enjoyable as it is now oppressive and food was just something to be enjoyed and wasn't laden with so many subtleties and confusions. My manners have become somewhat more refined since then. I did refrain from spitting seeds at my family, but I ate my muscadines with the innocence, the sensuality and the abandon I did as a child, even though I did check the points value. (I used the value for grapes, one point per cup.) I want to eat that way more often.

food, eating, muscadines

The weekly weigh in, Year 2, Week 1

2007-09-13T21:11:00.000-05:00

Summary: Weekly change, gained 5.6 pounds. Total weight loss, 72.8 pounds. Average weekly loss, 1.4 pounds.

Well, I'm starting my second year of serious dieting with a gain. Well, isn't that fun? I know my eating was out of control this week, and I had the monthly gap between prescription refills. Three days without diuretics and my feet turn into balloons, so I'm hoping a lot of this is water. On top of that, this is the week to get my insurance pre-approval, so no meeting for me this week.

Since I gained a little over a pound last week and now have a big gain this week, I have to admit I'm a little scared. It's the first time since I started Weight Watchers this time that I've gained two weeks in a row. Every time I've done this on a diet, it signalled the beginning of the end, and I don't want this to end. I feel so much better than I did this time last year that it gives me a lot to look forward to when I lose more. I'm writing this with my foot elevated because the swelling has made my ankle stiff and sore. I also had a bad blood pressure related dizzy spell today. In short, I don't feel good, at all, and this is still so much better than I used to feel. I don't want to go back to where I was.

In the longer range, this truly has been more of a lifestyle change than a diet. The mechanics aren't hard unless I fall into dieting mentality. Dieting mentality means thinking about what I'm not eating all the time. It's an all or nothing mindset that says I have to stamp out cravings by denying myself foods I enjoy. That complete black and white thinking also tells me that since I've had two weeks in a row where I've gained weight, it's hopeless, and I just have to accept that I'll regain back everything I've lost, like 95% of all dieters. It's obsessing over my appearance and specific body parts, losing the overall image of myself because I'm caught up in the details.

So, the big question is how do I handle this? Well, the tangible thing is to get my food back within my daily points allowance. I've tracked religiously this week, and I know I've eaten too much. I've felt that bloaty, too full feeling more than once and asked myself why I couldn't quit eating. I knew it was stress management eating. Feeling too anxious felt worse than feeling too full. So, I've got to get my emotions more under control. Having several days without my anti-depressant medication did not help, and hopefully, I'll feel more balanced in a couple more days. I need to watch the night time caffeine so I can sleep better. Better sleep means less stress and a more efficient metabolism. My routine is somewhat off, and I need to make sure I include time for prayer, meditation, and if I really, really need it, time for positive affirmations. Even though it makes me feel like Stewart Smalley.

Mainly, I need to remember that this diet is just part of an holistic progression towards better personal health of body, mind and spirit. When I neglect one aspect of myself, the others suffer as well.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss

The weekly weigh in, week 52

2007-09-07T17:17:00.000-05:00

This week marks one full year of following Weight Watchers for me. It doesn't feel like a whole year, primarily because it doesn't feel like a diet. I really have learned a better way to eat. I've had rough days and weeks. I've lost rapidly, slowly, plateaued and I've seen my weight rise temporarily, but despite all of that, My weight has gone down a lot, and my health is better.

I started this diet last year after I woke up on my bathroom floor. I'd fainted from high blood pressure. I had never had high blood pressure, shocking more than one doctor who couldn't believe that a fat person didn't have high blood pressure. That was a real wake up call that I could no longer take my health for granted. My doctor, as doctors tend to do, said that you need to lose weight. Since I started dieting at the age of five, there haven't been a lot of diets that I haven't tried. Sick of the hassles and harassment that come with being fat, I'd already mentally capitulated and thought bariatric surgery was my only option. Before my insurance would greenlight surgery, they wanted to make sure that less extreme measures would work, so I went to Weight Watchers.

My first few weeks this was my attitude: I'll give it an honest go, but I know it's not going to work. I'll lose some weight, get fed up with all the restrictions and then I'll just regain what I lost and more. After all, it's what I've done my entire freaking life. I yo-yoed my way to nearly 400 pounds. Incredibly saddened and overwhelmed by own size and the limitations it was putting on my life, I lost 50 pounds by making small changes in my life in the two years prior to starting Weight Watchers. After a few weeks, I started seeing some noticeable results in weight loss, but beyond that, this program had nothing that I had hated about previous diets. I didn't feel like foods were forbidden. I didn't feel like portions were ridiculously small. I didn't feel socially isolated. I could eat out, drink, and have appetizers and desserts if I wanted them. Honestly, most of the challenges I've faced have come from my own disordered thinking. What I did have to do was think rationally about food and plan what I would eat. Well, a year down the line, I'm still working on that.

Let's talk tangible results. What have I got for the investment of one year's time, a good bit of energy, a lot of good thinking and an equal share of obsessive compulsive thinking? The biggie is that I have lost 78.4 pounds, 23% of my starting body weight. That translates to 6 clothing sizes smaller than I was this time last year. I was too much of a chicken to take my measurements when I first started the program, but in the last six months, I have lost half an inch off my upper arm, which is also noticeably firmer. I'm down four inches in my bust. Since I had it to spare, this is very, very good news. Down, 4 3/4 inches in my waistline, 3 1/4 in my hips and 4 1/4 in my thigh. That's 16 3/4 inches lost in six months.

Those are the superficial measurements. What about the more stringent measurements of health? It was after all my blood pressure that got me started. The day I passed out, it measured 190 over 160. I was seriously scared. Two weeks ago, it measured 135 over 95, high enough to keep me on medication but I'd still call that a serious improvement. My cholesterol has dropped from 240 to 208, and since I hadn't fasted prior to the blood test, I wonder what the results would be if I had. My triglyceride count was 130. My favorite accomplishment of the past year though came the day my daughter showed off how she could reach all the way around when she hugged me...for the first time in her life.

This is an anniversary for me, and I will celebrate it. I am damn proud of what I've done.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss

Dealing with the monkey on my back

2007-09-06T07:45:00.000-05:00

I'm really trying to tame the obsession that following a diet brings. This week, I planned my menu for the week and then basically tried to forget about it, checking the menu and fridge only when it was time to prepare meals. The food has been under control, even if I have already used most of my bonus points for the week, and weigh in waits. I don't regret indulging in barbecue on Labor Day.

I've also tried to put the body image obsessions aside. That has been harder. Much harder. Make that Much, Much Harder. The scales are still calling me far too often. To make it worse, little things that are driving me crazy. I'm in another one of those in between clothing sizes stages, where everything is either too tight or too big, and I feel sloppy again. Getting a horrible haircut recently doesn't help. Neither does finding out that both my favorite lipstick and every day eye shadow have been discontinued. Though I don't tan, my skin tones are changing (age, I guess), and my base makeup makes me look too pale, and then my blush makes me look painted. Replacing the bulk of my makeup at a time when I have to replace my wardrobe is not a pleasant idea. On top of that, all of my shoes are getting too big. I'd heard that my feet would change sizes, and that's happening now too. With my feet sliding around inside my shoes, I feel even more graceless than usual. I might as well mention that I don't like feeling like I'm superficial, high maintenance or materialistic.

People are also making it harder now, not by sabotage, but because my weight loss is all anyone wants to discuss when they're around me. This week alone, I've been asked five times how I'm losing my weight. One incident even gathered a small group in the aisle of the grocery store. (Too bad Weight Watchers doesn't pay finders' fees.) I've had one person tell me that I ought to just lay off weight loss for awhile because my face is getting too thin. Since I still have a distinct double chin and pinchable cheeks, that point is debatable. However it made me wonder if what she really meant is that I'm looking older. I've had another person tell me that I had to keep it up because my employment, my marriage or pending divorce however that works out, reputation and very life depended on my losing more weight. I've had another place all the blame for my recent bout of frequent migraines on the chemical changes caused by weight loss. Almost everyone has been kind, loving and even enthusiastic, but it's getting old. This has really made me reflect on what supportive really means in the context of friendships and diets. Complicated, complicated stuff. The kind that could make up more than one blog entry.

There is more to my life than my diet, and those other areas are where I want the emphasis. For years I've preached that character, choices and activities are more important than size. I've felt like a hypocrite though because I know how much power I've let weight, fat, and shape hold in my life. It's time I lived up to my own principles. I know I've helped create this one topic conversational emphasis. I wanted positive, supportive feedback to help me diet, and I worked to make sure that I got it. Now, I need to make sure that I get it for the rest of my life as well and make sure that I offer it to my friends as well.

obsession

Hey, I'm obese

2007-09-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

I know that's a big surprise, but after checking my weight today, I also decided to look at a few other measurements. Well, one -- BMI. If you have any reservations about your body fat percentage, the BMI is a shaky tool to use. Bodybuilders count as obese using the BMI because their muscle isn't considered. When you have no questions that fat makes up your weight, it's okay.

What I found out today is that I am no longer morbidly obese. I'm just obese. Let's celebrate! Woo-hoo! It's party time! Irony aside, there is part of my brain that is having to readjust to being less than 100 pounds overweight. Granted, I'm damn close to that, but I remember clearly the day a doctor told me that I was morbidly obese and the deep sense of shame and failure I felt. I was 27 years old. He told me that I'd be lucky to live until forty without major health complications, like diabetes or a heart attack. Well, I'm 47 and high blood pressure manageable by medication is the most serious health problem I have that can be related to my weight. We'll just not mention all the other things that it could be related to, like age, since blood pressure was never a problem until lately.

Those words, morbid obesity, are just so grim. They make it sound hopeless. Honestly, it sounds like a death sentence, and there are plenty of people out there who would say that it is. The unintended side effect of that for me was it helped lead me to thinking that there was no point in trying. I felt too far gone to salvage, and all I could do was deal with the wreckage.

What ticks me off is the vagueness of the definition of morbid obesity. After browsing website after website full of meandering medical language, I finally found two somewhat clear definitions. The first was morbid obesity exists when a person is 100 or more pounds overweight. That sounds clear enough but it still failed to list an appropriate weight that one could be over, and height and weight charts hold great variance. The second was easier for me to handle than the first. A BMI over 39 is considered morbidly obese if you accept the validity of the BMI. Personally, I think the best definition is you're morbidly obese when you're the fat person that makes other fat people feel good about their looks.

So, I've changed labels and degrees of fatness. Now, it's up to me to reject the labels. Morbid obesity wasn't a death sentence for me, even though I was told it would be. Being fat hasn't stopped me from being beautiful, sexy, wonderful, appealing, etc. -- all those things I was told I never would be. Buying into the labels just made it hard for me to enjoy all of the above. I think I'll really have this healthy living thing down when I quit checking what the "official" standards are and know just from my own body.

morbid obesity

The weekly weigh in, week 51

2007-09-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

Weekly summary: Weekly change, lost 3.2 pounds. Total weight loss, 79.8 pounds. Average weekly loss, 1.6 pounds.

I didn't make it to a meeting this week, despite my best intentions. I wish I had, but all in all, I'd still rather have slept late today than force myself out the door this morning. I rarely sleep late. I usually wake a little before 5:30 a.m. when my alarm goes off, but last night's migraine medicines knocked me out. A good night's sleep is one of the best gifts I can give myself, and though medication impaired sleep is second rate, it's still more sleep than I have had in weeks.

Stumbling to the scales this morning, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I know better than to do this, but I've been weighing every day again. That's such a stupid habit. I'll be up one day and down the next, and that's normal. Since I've been on another plateau, I've been very disciplined about my food intake this week, making a serious effort to keep my focus on fresh fruits and vegetables, gauging my hunger levels and then trying to ignore food, weight and size the rest of the time. The first two I did well, the last, well, not so much, and that may be the hardest thing I have to learn -- to live without obsession.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss

Re-setting the mind

2007-08-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

Last night, the womanchild asked my help with an English paper. What she wanted from me was a sounding board where she could clarify her thoughts before putting them into print. She's reached the age where parental stupidity seems paramount, so it's been a long time since she asked for my help with anything other then laundry, cooking and transportation. I was honored, touched and glad to help.

I've always been one to have fun with collaborative work, and seeing that sharp mind of hers in action has always been a delight. She'd tell me me her thoughts. I'd make a suggestion or ask a question. She'd challenge or clarify my thinking. Sometimes, she'd add one of my suggestions. More often, she'd go her own route of putting her mind down on paper. It was work for her but fun for me.

After she printed her final copy, she said, "This was more like you used to be. I miss the way you used to write."

My response was basically, "Huh?" After all, my processes for writing are still the same. I still give it roughly the same amount of time, though I haven't been pleased with my results for months now.

She added, "You've changed. I haven't wanted to bring it up because I didn't want you to think it was all about your diet, but that's all you seem to think about now."

Well, talk about 'from the mouths of babes'. She laid right out in front of me what's been nagging me for quite some time now. I am obsessed, and despite liking the results and some of the processes of my diet, I don't like that aspect of it.

There's no denying that I needed to lose weight. These were not vanity pounds. My weight was affecting my ability to live life the way I wanted. Losing weight has meant that I had to make a serious commitment to re-engaging with my body, to eating in a more mindful, conscious, respectful way and to moving. These are all good things, but any good thing, whether it's the voluptuous savoring of a delicious meal or a diet, carried to excess is dangerous. I know this quite literally. The days when the womanchild was starving and purging to poor health and near death are not that far behind us.

I weigh every day, despite knowing that's stupid. I know that the human body can fluctuate pounds within hours. Tracking my food intake has been a major component of my success, yet I want more things in my mind than how many points are in each bite of food that I take. I'm spending too much time thinking about what to do with my hair to best flatter my now more obvious cheekbones or what clothing I ought to buy to look better. Am I becoming a superficial twit? Or it that buying into another stereotype that an attractive woman can't be a serious woman?

I know that I want to continue losing weight, but I'm also seeing that I have to develop a new discipline. I have to keep this in perspective. Everything we do comes with an opportunity cost. (If I remember nothing else from Economics, I've got that principle locked in.) So then what is the opportunity cost of my diet? What am I giving up to focus more on my food, exercise and health? It must be worth it. It can not subtract something of true value from my life. I cannot let this diet change more than habits and size, because what and who I am is pretty darn fantastic.

I often find my answers within my own words. I've long seen that as one of the delightful, tricky and mysterious graces of God/dess that what we seek often seems to come from within. In reading back a paragraph or two, I think I found the key to my answer. This is about how I want to live my life. I don't want to live it under the burden of pounds that hurt my joints, impact my ability to breathe and force my heart into a racing pace. I also don't want to live my life under the burden of thoughts that won't escape a severely limited range of allowable ideas. I am more than than the quantifiable measure of a body. Living with respect for the totality of me, mind, body and spirit, must be the true discipline, not just the monitoring of my food and exercise.

attitudes

In the kitchen

2007-08-25T21:32:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite southern dishes has always been fried green tomatoes. (It's more than a chick flick, y'all.) These are just good eating, and summer without fried green tomatoes just doesn't feel right. However, frying isn't the healthiest way to cook anything. Inspired by The Hungry Girl's recipes for Cheese Sticks and Onion Rings, I decided to experiment and got lucky. These had the crispy crust and tender, juicy interior of the traditional version and a clearer, brighter tomato tanginess.

Oven Fried Green Tomatoes

1 large green tomato
1/8 cup Fiber One cereal
1/8 cup corn meal
1/4 cup fat-free Eggbeaters
Cooking Spray
Salt and Pepper to taste

Pre-heat the oven to 375 degrees. In your food processor or blender, grind the Fiber One cereal to the consistency of bread crumbs. (I used a thoroughly clean coffee bean grinder.) Mix the cereal with the corn meal and set aside. Slice your tomato into 1/2 inch slices. Dip each tomato slice into the Eggbeaters, making sure to lightly coat each side. Then gently roll each tomato slice in the cereal/ corn meal mixture. Place the tomato slices on a baking sheet which has been sprayed with cooking spray, then lightly mist the tops of the tomatoes with additional cooking spray. Bake for 25 minutes. Turn the tomato slices over once about halfway through. This made six slices and the entire dish had 2 points.

I have to admit that I was just thrilled with the way this dish turned out. I feel like I've earned both my drawl and my waistline.

recipe

The weekly weigh in, week 50

2007-08-24T01:33:00.000-05:00

Weekly summary: Weekly change, gained one pound. Total weight loss, 76.6 pounds. Average weekly loss, 1.56 pounds.

It's official. I am on yet another plateau. For the last four weeks, I've been hovering around the same weight. I know I lost eight pounds last week, but since I'd gained 7.2 pounds the week before that, it's still hovering.

It's time to ramp up the exercise again, and in this heat, that's not terribly appealing. Today, the time and temperature clock in town registered 107 degrees when I was heading down to my early evening Weight Watchers meeting. Short of increasing my exercise, all I can really do is gut this out until my body adjusts to its new size. Knowing my weight history with the accuracy only a lifelong unhealthy obsession can mean, I know that I weighed roughly this amount for years. This is a size that my body likes. It's comfortable here, and it's going to have to get used to being here before it can accept changing. When I was younger, I was healthy at this weight. I can't say that now. I need medication to keep my blood pressure at a healthy level, and I have neither the muscle tone, the stamina nor the flexibility that are signs of true health. Those are the things that my body has to realize without the conscious interference of my brain.

That may sound odd, but it's the only way I can describe it. We are complex creatures with multiple forms of intelligence. People recognize the existence of muscle memory, where through training and repetition, the body learns and performs a function with greater power, ease and fluidity and less conscious mental engagement. The body has actually learned a pattern of behavior. Weight changes in a yo-yo dieter are merely longer, more subtle patterns, but in my experience and opinion, they have been learned as well.

In taking on this diet, I haven't so much learned a new way of eating. There is nothing in the Weight Watchers program, other than a specific way of tracking, that was new to me. It is good, sound nutritional advice that I have received from multiple sources over the years. What I am doing is "unlearning" a self-destructive way of engaging with food and unhealthy thought processes about my body. That's what makes this so damn hard. Adding new information is easy. Getting rid of old information and habits is worse than scraping off multiple layers of wallpaper. The stuff just wants to stick.

My big motivation this week came during my meeting. Plateaus are frustrating. I look better than I have since I was in my twenties. I'm not close to the pounds lost goal I wanted to reach by now. It would be very, very easy to call it quits and say that I've done enough. Tonight, discussing the little obstacles we face, one of the ladies mentioned that she had been coming for a year and had lost around 25 pounds. 25 pounds in a year. I'd be pulling my hair out. I'm quickly approaching my one year anniversary, and if I'd only lost that much, I'd be even more frustrated than I am now. Yet she has had the persistence to keep on trying, regardless of how long it's taken.

I needed that reminder that this is supposed to be slow going weight loss. This is supposed to be about learning to sustain a healthy body at a stable weight. This is not about racing to some imaginary goal line where I can revert back to another way of eating once it's been reached. That particular lesson is one I'm going to have to repeat and repeat and repeat, but it will continue to sink through this thick skin and thicker skull.

health and wellness, diets, Weight Watchers, weight loss

Seeming contradictions

2007-08-19T20:01:00.001-05:00

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that I can't get off my mind. She basically asked me how I have become an enthusiastic supporter of a diet program after years of railing about the weight loss industry and prejudice against fat people. Now, this was a friend who has known me several years but has never seen me at this size. She told me that over the years I had made her think a lot about the pressure on women to fit a certain image, the toll that takes on a person and how people, all people, should be treated. She thinks my position now is a bit hypocritical, and she also complimented me for never looking better since she's known me. She acknowledged that alone was hypocritical on her part.

All I could say was that my position is seemingly contradictory like so many other areas of my life. Compared to being a liberal, pro-choice, pro-homosexual, pro-religious diversity Christian in the Bible Belt, this one is, well, a piece of cake. I am not anti-diet because simply everyone has a diet. The primary definition of diet is the usual food and drink of a person or animal. Everything else we've piled on top of that word is basically manipulative bullshit. What I am against is stupidity, cruelty and self-destruction.

Diets where the foods you eat are so limited that you live in hunger and deprivation are stupid and cruel. Diets where you choke your arteries with fat, deny yourself vitamins, minerals and natural nutrition by subsisting on tummy filling junk are stupid and cruel. Selling useless and dangerous products and services is manipulative, selfish and cruel. Not revealing the funding behind a scientific study on obesity comes from a group that stands to make money when the results of that study can enhance or endorse the profitability of a service or product is deceitful and manipulative.

I am against prejudice, period. If you're judging someone based on appearances, you're prejudiced. It doesn't matter if you're making assumptions about a person based on race, ethnicity, size, culture, sexual preference, choice of religion, if you categorize people into us and them, you're prejudiced. I am not free of prejudice, and I know it. I also know that I'm working on it, and that means speaking up. I will speak up for the rights of people, period. People often don't even recognize the ways in which they're prejudiced, and especially when it comes to body size, which is often misconstrued as being solely under an individual's control, those prejudicial thought patterns need to be pointed out. If you don't see them and recognize them, you can't change them.

I am for healthy eating, and the best way a person can learn this is up to them. If that means a diet program, so be it. If that means avoiding commercial diets, dandy. Live a healthy life. Love yourself. Take care of yourself. I don't have to approve of the way you learn healthy eating. Wouldn't it be great if we all learned this as a natural process of just growing up?

What works for me may not work for anybody else. I think diet programs where you buy prepackaged food would be disastrous for me. I don't think I'd learn what I need to know to get in my kitchen after I'd lost the weight and prepare healthy foods that would help me keep the excess weight off. It might be the perfect ticket for someone else though. Regardless of nutritional content, I could never see a liquid diet as a healthy way of providing the body with sustenance. We have teeth for a reason, and as long as we have them, let's use them. I can never see a diet which permanently bans certain foods unless an allergy or chemical intolerance exists as healthy. It's a denial of the bounty and abundance of God/dess' creation, a rejection of the gifts we've been given.

I am rabidly against anything which tells a person she is unacceptable unless she looks a certain way. This is a denial of the value of human life. It's dangerous. Since this sort of marketing behavior is primarily directed at women, it's deeply sexist. It objectifies women. It encourages them to literally minimize themselves to the point where illness and death are seen as preferable to a body that didn't come out of a cookie cutter mold. It's a great way of oppressing women and getting them to ignore their talents. If all a woman's energy is spent on what she eats and how she looks, there will be a lot books that aren't written, business deals that are never made, political and government policy that is never put into effect, scientific discoveries that will never be made. If that makes me pro- fat acceptance, yay!

I think my position is really about personal freedom and personal responsibility. We have the right to live the way we best see fit as long as that does not endanger others. We all have value, thus both the right and responsibility to treat ourselves with respect. That includes caring for the body we're in. It also includes recognizing that people who are different from you have their own dignity.

fat acceptance, diets

Wellness not illness

2007-08-19T03:03:00.000-05:00

During an insomnia induced round of net surfing, I came across this bit of information at The Obesity Society Newsletter. It stated, "Last year TennCare, the Tennessee Medicaid provider, completed a pilot program for 1,400 Medicaid recipients who paid nominal fees to participate in Weight Watchers. According to TennCare, the participants lost a total of more than 8,000 pounds." That's a whole lot of fat, but it is estimated that one in seven Tennesseans is obese.

In Memphis Medical News, Marilyn Elam of Tenncare stated, "The partnership works fairly simply. TennCare enrollees who are technically considered obese can walk into any Weight Watchers office in the state and sign up for a 12-week program. They pay $1 per meeting and agree to attend at least 10 of the 12 meetings and to meet the initial minimum weight loss goal of four pounds. TennCare, in return, pays the $10 per meeting co-payment. Weight Watchers provides TennCare with a $1 per meeting discount and waives the $35 enrollment fee. If the enrollees meet these criteria, they can reenroll for another 12 weeks."

"From TennCare's perspective, for one 12-week program it's costing us $120 per enrollee, a minimal investment for proven results," Elam said. "If an enrollee sustains some modest weight loss, it will actually reduce an overweight person's lifetime medical costs up to $5,300 and that's by lowering the cost of treatment for things like hypertension, diabetes and heart disease."

In the same article, Carolyn Kalil, vice president of Weight Watchers of Middle and East Tennessee added, "In a lot of the cases, this is not about losing vanity weight. It's not about losing 20 to 30 pounds for a class reunion. The people I'm talking to, it's now or never."

This was of particular interest to me because I am one of those 1400 people and as of December 30, 2006, 31.4 of those 8000 pounds were mine. This year, my weight loss through the Tenncare Weight Watchers cooperative program, is now 77.6 pounds. I am covered by Tenncare because I have been denied insurance everywhere else I turned because of my weight.

In the two years prior to joining Weight Watchers, I had decided to live a more healthy life and had gradually lost 50 pounds on my own. Despite those changes, I needed a more dedicated effort. What finally convinced me to start seriously dieting was waking up on the floor of my bathroom after passing out from high blood pressure. Getting healthy for me was pretty literally at that now or never point, and I needed help to do it. I was at my physician's office a couple of weeks ago to have maintenance medications for my blood pressure reviewed prior to obtaining refills. For the first time since August of last year, my blood pressure was in the normal range, and if it stays that way, I'll soon be off the two prescriptions I take to manage it. More than my size is changing here.

Tenncare may have its problems, but this is one program that's working. The budget for Tenncare is $7 billion dollars to cover 1.2 million people. According to the Tennessee State Budget, the projected cost for the Weight Watchers program for 2007 is $756,200, less than one tenth of one percent of the total Tenncare budget. By participating in this pro-active program that actually does something about building wellness, not just treating illness, I'll be off the Tenncare rolls one of these days because I'll be able to get insurance on my own.

In the meantime, Tennessee and Weight Watchers, I thank you.

Tenncare, Weight Watchers, obesity

Seeing myself

2007-08-18T19:14:00.000-05:00

Wenda wrote a great entry about her first week on the Weight Watchers program. In it, she says, "... I was surprised by how easy it was to imagine myself in a lighter stronger body and how much less difficult it was to eat less and move more."

This is something I still struggle with every day. You wouldn't think I would by now. I've lost close to eighty pounds, nearly a quarter of my starting weight. I've dropped five, almost six clothing sizes. If I felt like getting up from the computer, I could find the record of how many inches I've lost off different parts of my body. This is all great.

Here's the catch; I still don't really see it. When I look in the mirror, I'm surprised. Those cheekbones couldn't belong to me. I know I used to have cheekbones like that, but I was a different person back then. That young woman, almost a girl, had the whole world in front of her. Same with those collarbones. I'm supposed to have a huge double chin that basically obscures my neck, not just a little one. Wait a minute, that can't be a waistline. There's no way in hell I have a waistline. OK, big, fat, round, scarred and sagging belly and breasts, that's me all right. Whew, I thought I'd gone nuts.

Don't get me wrong. I know it's me. I haven't lost my grip on reality. It just doesn't seem like me. It's almost more like a distorted memory of me. These wrinkles and scars weren't there the last time I looked like this. I haven't been this size since before my daughter, the high school junior, was born.

My mental perception of myself is how I looked before I began losing weight, and I haven't caught up to the reality of what my body is now. I also can't really picture myself anywhere in the weight range recommended for my height. I'm having to rely on external measurements and feedback to reassure myself that my body really is changing, because I don't trust my own perception of my appearance.

This has pretty much always been a problem for me. My body always appeared grotesque to me. There was almost no difference between how I saw myself when as a teenager I was told I was 20 pounds overweight or last year when I weighed over 300 pounds. I can see the difference in pictures. I'm not totally blind to the changes, except when it comes to my mirror.

I'm quick to recognize the flaws as belonging to myself. Scars, sags, folds all fit in with my image of who I am. Accepting myself as beautiful, well, that's taking some work. I've still got a whole lot of unlearning to do. I know that it won't matter how much weight I lose or how toned I become if I can't learn to see and accept myself the way I am. I won't be truly healthy until my mind and body both agree that this is me, and that is good.

I also have to accept that I still have possibilities in my life. I've felt like I had no choices for so long now. For years, it has been what I had to do to handle ____________. Fill in the blank. It could have been the responsibilities of care giving for an elderly parent, a sick child or husband, or doing whatever it took to have any sort of gainful employment in an economically challenged rural area. My responsibilities outweighed my freedoms, and I'm relearning that I can decide for myself what will be in my life. Having that freedom is linked mentally to being a more acceptable size, and that's pretty fucked up thinking. It's a complete buy in to the prejudice many hold against fat people, and I've got to lose that as well as the pounds.

I want to see myself as I am, and I want to love myself as I am. I get glimpses every now and then of that woman, and during those glimpses, I adore myself. I'm one heck of a woman. This is going to become a more constant thing.

body image