Infinite State Automaton

Cold sand is cold.

2008-08-26T04:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight I played beach volleyball. I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. Our team was annihilated, as to be expected, although we stayed around and practiced afterwards so the next game will probably be less horrific. The sand was cold. So cold. It was like walking on ice and it was the only negative part of the experience. By the fourth game, my feet were numb and it wasn't so bad.

I have been neglecting this blog lately and I am sorry for it. There is a lot that I should write about and do, and I will try to make time to do it soon.

Today is my brother's birthday, so I will be calling him next.

I have been very sporty lately. Tennis, more tennis, dodgeball, walking with the work group on Wednesday's, and now volleyball. What the hell? My original plan was going to the gym twice a week.

Getting in to a group sport has been very easy. Playing in a social group - even though it surely isn't as good for me as the gym would be - is much preferable. For one thing, when there are friends, I actually do it.

My preferred option is to spend the night in and play Warcraft but that hasn't happened for a while now >.>;;

I have attended three lectures for masters, now. They are not particularly interesting however the course matter is. One of the first things we were asked to do was look up a disaster due to a system failure, eg the Challenger shuttle. This got me in to the Wikipedia trap and before I knew it a whole day was wasted just idly clicking. Somehow I always wind up on a page about tornadoes.

I am dead in the mafia game already. I was given a role where the best option appeared to be a heroic sacrifice to put together my group, however it seems my move was in vain. I won't know for another couple of days but I think my faction is going to be exploded quite soon. Oh well, you can't win them all.

New intarwebs are go~

2008-07-28T02:28:00.001-07:00

It was pointed out to me previously that I mispelled 'victorious' in the title of the preceding post, but I couldn't see where the edit button was to fix it. Oh dear >.>

I've got my new internet set up with minimum fuss and faster than expected. Now to make up for lost time~

(>'o')> Go, my little Kirby modem~ Suck down all the Internet! MWahahaahaaha~

Maybe I overdid it...

2008-07-24T03:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday: Dodgeball. Monday: Tennis. Wednesday: Denist, then more tennis.

The new racket (or raquet?) is coming along well, really starting to feel quite good. Last night we managed to scrape another victory. It was bitterly cold.

I'm having a problem with my Internet.

I was originally with Optus for my phone, mobile and Internet. I did not pay the phone bill for a long time, so they suspended my phone service. This is fine. This also meant my Internet was unavailable. Annoying, but fair. However when I tried to access my e-mail from work, I couldn't get in. Curious. I called Optus and learned that they had (allegedly) destroyed my Internet account.

My Internet, however, was paid for up until the end of July. It's true that because I didn't pay the phone bill I couldn't use my DSL, but the related services (eg e-mail) should not have been interrupted, let alone destroyed. I asked Optus to undo this, and when they refused, ask them to explain why. They could not give me a satisfactory reason and so I switched my phone to Telstra. They then insisted it was impossible to have an Internet connection through any other phone provider than themselves. To me this sounded like "We really don't want your business" so I have changed ISP's too. I'll be changing my mobile later also.

Surprisingly I got to keep my old home phone number, but my e-mail address is probably gone for good.

I won't have reliable Internet access for anywhere between 10-20 days. Probably I'll use this time to clean my room or learn a new language or something.

Recently I've discovered the joys of Skype. I've been chatting with a lovely young Chinese girl and spending more time talking to normal people than I have been playing games.

Right now I am at work late. I should be working, but I am procrastinating. I'm demonstrating the latest version of SRET to the client tomorrow and I was asked to draw a diagram to show which features are implemented.

Man I sure am hungry :/

House Montague, Victorius

2008-07-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

Finally we finished off the last of House Capulet, and those nasty Citizens and Watchmen too. You can see it all over at my Bacon and Ice Cream Cheesecake blog, although outside the context of the game it probably won't make much sense.

Since I was in charge of the house, the mafia in game 6 were under the impression I was somehow responsible for our victory and subsequently made sure I was the first to die in the next game. Oh well~ You can't win 'em all.

Paradox, and math = Science!
- I've never heard it explained that way, and you've captured in your second paragraph the essence of what I feel, but lacked the intellect to say. If you don't mind, I'll be using the spirit of what you've said there for my next inevitable confrontation with those dastardly nay-sayers.

Goals:

Food - has been so-so, but improved of late. Tins of soup, bleh :/ I can't stand it much more. I think I'm gonna have to make lunches in the morning or something.

Health - Pretty damn good. Dodgeball is a lot of fun and it keeps me fit and agile. Next dentist appointment is about two weeks away, and then we have the 'So, your wisdom teeth' conversation I've been dreading. After last week tennis finished up for two weeks, so we aren't playing THIS week or NE...oh. Did I forget a week? I'd better check. Anyway, Catherine's team needed a fill in this week so I got to play Monday instead of fencing. 6-0 loss, tiebreaker loss, 6-2 loss = Annihilated!

I am really happy with the improvement in my tennis game. I make a lot less stupid errors and it really feels like I have some control over the ball. I still do make stupid errors, just not so many. Catherine hasn't had to punch me for a few weeks now, so. That's good, right?

I also filled in for two other teams at dodgeball. The first team I played for was largely outclassed so we were kind of curb stomped into the ground. The last game I played with the rest of the team was astonishingly a success, kind of an upset actually. We walked out 45-18. The last time we played this team was the grand final last year, when we were crushed. So this was an unexpected, but pleasant, turn around.

Money - I finish paying off my car this week. It's amazing how a car that was labelled as $11,000 in the car yard somehow wound up costing me nearly $18,000. That compound interest is a killer. Well, I learned this lesson the hard and painful way.

Special - I have to do a photoshoot of me putting together a tin foil hat for the next mafia blog, www.baseunderacat.blogspot.com - I'll put the results up here, but I don't think I'll be sharing that blog publically. Right now it is predominately a giant wall of rant, so...

Right.

The cheesecake is made of ice cream. It has bacon on top of it, similar to this one.

So I want to say, "I ate the delicious (bacon and ice cream) cheesecake".

Defenders of Dessert - this is the secret super hero action group that Kimmy and I have formed. Our super powers are the ability to put common foods together to create unique and powerful new desserts, capable of protecting the earth while bringing joy and hope to everyone. And, now that I think about it, probably a diabetic fit.

In hindsight, the main appeal of bacon is when it is served hot, so a bacon and ice cream cheesecake is not for the faint hearted. Oh no. That crispy, juicy and steaming hot bacon, served on a smooth bed of rum and raisin ice cream, wrapped in hand pressed pie crumbs, is a battle! Each perfect morsel is a blend of fire, ice, earth - and just a hint of something mystic.

If you've tried fried ice cream and loved it, then you'll know - bacon and ice cream cheesecake is your final destination.

Until next time~

--Sky

What light through yonder window breaks

2008-07-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

I've been very busy with most of my spare time playing the Mafia game over at MegaTokyo.com. I have a sister blog up at http://www.llamalavalarvae.blogspot.com/ that is currently hidden to all but the authors; I'll link to it here with my role in the game and make it publically available when the game ends, somewere around Wednesday next week.

I've really missed being in an online community, I've met a lot of fun people that I'm hoping to introduce to my original group. Having a large group to play around in has given me some perspective in the previous very small community.

I haven't been playing much Warcraft lately but I will be getting back in to it when the Mafia game is done. I'm really unsatisfied with the guild I am currently playing in. When I started playing in it at the start of April there was two Karazhan runs going, we were making attempts against Gruul, and there was even a Serpentshrine Cavern run. So I'm at a loss to explain why, only three months later, they can barely scrape together enough to run a single Karazhan run, and some weekends can't even do that.

I've got a number of places that I can go to but I would prefer to go somewhere that I have friends. Ideally I want to be playing in Serpentshrine Cavern as I have been buying the SSC/Black Temple smithing recipes and at great personal cost overgeared myself from Karazhan and ZA.

End of Warcraft babble.

The other thing that has been taking up a lot of my time is that I have several different social groups and all of them want to do things on the weekend. I enjoy going out and spending time with other people however these things do overlap occasionally. If I am lucky, sometimes it's the social groups that overlap - last night I had my Golden Key friends, some of my Sarah's Group friends, and some of my dodgeball friends all in the same place.

I even met a couple of new people and helped connect them with some others. It was a fairly quiet night, although I unexpected ran in to Caroline, my ex-girlfriend from about two years back. We broke up on very good terms because in between two jobs and University, I wasn't able to dedicate enough time to a relationship. We realised this and just moved on with minimal fuss. So when we ran in to each other by surprise yesterday, we just talked and reintroduced ourselves with no problem, which was a relief for both of us, I am sure.

I am down to the last $600 of my car. This thing has been the biggest financial millstone around my neck since I started Donut King, and is 50% of the reason I was trapped there for so long. Paying it off at the end of this month will be immensely satisfying.

The last big expense I am looking at is the dentist. I went for my second-to-last set of fillings last week and they casually mentioned 'Oh yeah, we are going to have to take your wisdom teeth out'. Shit :/ I remember when Rachel had hers done she was pretty much useless for a whole week.

Work is going reasonably well, but I have been somewhat lazy. They took the SRET system to the INCOSE conference in Amsterdam and showed it to the Viatech guys to see if they wanted to buy the IP. I haven't been told what the result was, however my boss was happy with the demo and subsequently my contract will PROBABLY be extended in August, yay! They are also looking at paying for me to do Masters because I can't do some of the things they want me to do, namely, write documentation.

Oh I can write documentation, but it's not done to a certain standard, and I don't know the buzzwords and acronyms that real engineers use. It's really quite annoying, I have scientists on one side saying "Computer scientists are not real scientists" and engineers on the other saying "Software engineers are not real engineers". We're lambasted by everybody as not being 'real' because I don't get my hands dirty screwing around with a soldering iron or a tit pipette. I'm even told that when I've finished at DASI and get myself a real job, I'll be set for life. Huh? I thought what I was doing at the moment was a 'real' job?

What is real anyway? Do I have to always be pursuing goals other people set for me? My preferred goal is to sleep another half hour~

Lern2English

2008-06-02T00:51:00.000-07:00

“English essentials: The wouldn’t-be-without-it guide to writing well,” Mem Fox & Lyn Wilkinson.
“Middle School English,” Maureen Stewart.

By necessity I’ve sat down with these two books and started re-learning English grammar.

Today I have learned about verbs, adverbs, common nouns, abstract nouns, pronouns, conjunctions, articles and where apostrophes are supposed to go. There is at least one reader of my blog who will be maddeningly satisfied to know I will finally spell Australians correctly from now on. Still not sold on photos, though; however I’m only half way through the first book.

Chris enthusiastically consumed the delicious bacon and ice cream cheese cake!

Chris – proper noun!
Enthusiastically – Adverb!
Consumed – verb!
The – The definite article!
Delicious – adjective!
Bacon – noun!
And – conjunction!
Ice cream – noun!
Cheese cake – noun!

Is there anything wrong with this sentence and what I have broken it up to? Please tell me. No, really, please tell me. A six million dollar contract is riding on my ability to know proper English grammar.

I met Mem Fox at the Millicent Public Library when I was a young child, where she read the delightful Possum Magic, arguably the definitive childrens book.

(Edit edit: Actually, I didn't have an apostrophe for childrens. Then I read another chapter, and it said zomg put an apostrophe there. So I did! Then I read another chapter and it said "Lol nub, in this circumstance, no apostrophe!" So, right now there is no apostrophe, but maybe in a chapter that will change again T_T)

Why is Possum Magic such an excellent book? Well, it's all about a baby possum travelling all over Australia eating delicious foods to turn herself back from being invisible. Yes, long before Harry Potter was cool, Hush the baby possum was munching down on Vegemite sandwiches, lamingtons, pavlova and even more.

For me to then come across another book written by Mem Fox all these years later, then, was a pleasant surprise.

Badger badger = new Badger()

2008-05-26T23:55:00.000-07:00

Part of the requirements specification toolkit that I am building has a nifty little tool called 'BADGER'. The original version of it exists in another program called Tiger Pro, which you can find over here.

BADGER is an acronym that stands for 'Built-in Agent using Deterministic Grammar for the Engineering of Requirements'. TIGER itself stands for 'Tool to Ingest and Elucidate Requirements'. The theme at my company is to try to name projects after animals; so we are hoping to swap out SRET (Slim Requirements Engineering Toolkit) to something more appropriate.

One exec suggested 'LION' which fits in well with the Kenya theme of my office, but we're struggling to come up with an appropriate justification for the letters. I'm still hoping for CITA (pronounced "Cheetah") which stands of Chris Is Totally Awesome, but again, no luck in actually putting a proper meaning behind it.

Today the Badger tool is about done. You can put words in it and by some arcane magic, the words are assembled in to a requirement and plugged in to the specification. The second part of Badger is for the program to take all the words and using the rules for English grammar, automatically assemble the words in to the correct grammatical sense.

Since this requires my program to do lexical, syntactical and finally semantic analysis of the English language, and I didn't learn about nouns/adjectives/verbs etc at school, this is proving difficult.

These last few weeks have been surprisingly busy. My evenings have been action packed with various sporting things, and I am starting to really miss having evenings at home to unwind. On the other hand, the sense of achievement and actually getting things done despite (or perhaps because of) being so busy is quite refreshing.

I've recently gotten in to the MegaTokyo Mafia game, and some of the players have been scoping out my blog so I can't really talk about the current game here (since if I talk about too much it can be used as evidence to get me killed in the game). I normally avoid the MegaTokyo forums like the plague, but this is a fun little game that I can check every hour or so and see if my character is about to be killed off.

Busy, busy little bee

2008-05-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Monday - panic for Tuesday night
Tuesday - give lecture on requirements specification and SRET to the QAA. Only three people showed up, and one of them was another presenter.
Wednesday - tennis. 6-3, 6-2, 6-1 -> defeat!
Thursday - Golden Key New Members welcome. Used my awesome powers of charisma to form a big knot of people to talk to. Met these people:
David - ex flight lieutenant, currently retired, working in aeronautical engineering.
Terry - not actually a Golden Key member, not sure of his relationship to the current chapter president, Stacey, not sure what he is doing, but he sure is handy to have around.
Erin - studying marketting, working at HJ's. Did not get a good chance to talk to her due to the really annoying chair designs and ever expanding circle of people.
Sonya - Very interesting young lady; working two jobs and has a part time gig on the local radio. Studying something to do with publicity and the media. Has a pet golden labrador puppy.
Amanda - very active, sporting girl, plays tennis, volleyball, netball, AFL football, rugby, cricket, and anything she can do. Studying physiotherapy. Surprisingly talkative, I mistook her for the quiet shy type that wanted to hide in the corner of the room, once she got in the group she took over it.
Steph - studying to be a primary school teacher. Didn't find out much else.
Mysterious Girl X - was friends with Steff and Amanda but I never found out her name, what she did, or their history.
Julia and Shelly - I got their names but that was it. By the time they joined, the circle was so big, I couldn't even talk to them.
Pere - South African guy studying nursing, looking for accomodation. Anybody live near the Royal Adelaide Hospital and looking for a tenant?
Aysia - Another South African guy, but I didn't catch his study.

So the goal here was not to assemble all the cute girls into one circle around me, but to get the people talking with each other so they were enjoying themselves. So periodically I would walk around and spot people who seemed uninvolved or being wallflowers or looking for something to do, grab them, introduce them to some other person in the same situation. So I met a few other people this way too, but unfortunately I could not remember everybodies name.

Only two current executive people could make it, which was an odd thing, there was a lot more at the induction ceremony. Where did they go? So I did feel some sympathy for Stacey when so many came to the meeting - she had only had 11 RSVP, but then around fifty showed up so they had to move to another room. The main purpose of the informal meeting was to get people talking with each other and to ask questions about the Society to the executive, unfortunately with only two there they were quickly overwhelmed. I did have some previous experience as president so that is why I got the people into a big group; they then naturally split out and started talking amongst themselves and stayed rather than drifting off quietly in ones or twos. The second purpose was for Stacy to talk about what she needed in the new executive, and to tkae registrations of interest - it looked like almost everybody signed up, which is really positive. The AGM is on the 25th.

Stacy asked me what I wanted to do. I explained that this was her show now, I was keen to help out but - the main value for her as president was to lead and make decisions on her own. Similarly, I would not stand in the way of any new member who wanted a role on the exec; I had been on the exec before, it would be more valuable to a new person for that individual and also our chapter. So I said, find out who is interested in what, and if there are any gaps that need to be filled, I will go there.

Friday night - maybe playing warcraft at work with da ladz.

Saturday - hopefully nothing all day.
I need to buy: New set of shelves from Ikea, plus one more tray that I somehow missed.
Ironing board!!!!! I went to iron my shirt for the talk on Tuesday. Up until now I always made a habit of buying shirts that didn't really need to be ironed. But I wore a really nice shirt for the talk (because I thought I would be in front of around three hundred industry specialists, not three guys who rocked up in a tshirt and track pants...I should have known. This is computer science. These people...never see the sun...) and holy cow, it needed to be ironed. So I tried to iron it on the table. I don't know. I think it came out MORE wrinkled. And it smelt kind of funny. At least it felt nice to put on.
Oh one more thing - I need to buy a new front right tyre. I went to go to work the other day and I couldn't help but notice one of my tyres had exploded overnight. It is inexplicably worn down and crappy looking, while the others all look clean and happy. So I don't know, perhaps it was on low pressure and I had been driving it around and killed it dead, then during the night the changing temperature caused it to...hell, I don't know. Chemistry is scary. Anyway, the result is I need to buy a new tyre. Fortunately I had a spare so it's not a real tragedgy, just a small annoyance.

Sunday - dodgeball, then practicing dodgeball. Cat said to me that my throwing is all over the place - we know I can't throw or catch very well, so I said that I was interested in practicing. Well she took me up on it and now we will be practicing with James after the game. James had a hair cut - he used to have a tremendous affro, but without the hair he has transformed from a laid back hippie guy into some kind of assault marine of death. It's like, the hair was just holding him back, kind of the opposite of Sampson. He's faster, meaner, more angry, and he throws real damn hard, accurate, and he's jumping all over the place like a frog on a hot plate. He went from the laziest guy on the whole damn team to some kind of sport playing octopus. Now he's making me look bad, so I'd better learn how to at least throw straight.

Monday - I'm going fencing.

My mother always wanted a girl

2008-05-12T01:57:00.000-07:00

I said the following three things all on Mothers day:

1 - "I need a linen cupboard"
2 - "I had a great time shopping with you, mum"
3 - "I need to get some pom-poms for my cheerleading outfit"

I am still a boy, right?

Context.

Ok, so. Towels and sheets and those kind of things take up a lot of room in the cupboard. I don't have room for any more clothes. I need to get another Ikea frame (I'll grab it this weekend - I am on a budget, remember? ^_^) and then I should be able to finally hide everything out of sight. I would also like to get a block of pine to put across the top of one of the frames, kind of like a roof, so that I can stash all my warhammer junk there, and a block of wood on the other frame to put my shoes on. Then all I need to do is continue to throw rubbish out faster than it enters my room and my base should at least appear clean.

Sheets and stuff - up until now I only had one sheet and one quilt cover. THis meant that changing my sheet was a big deal, as I had to put it up in the morning, hope it didn't rain, then change it in the evening. Cleaning my cupboard out and suddenly I've discovered, actually I have three sheets and two quilt covers and oodles of pillow slips. I've also reclaimed a lot of old favourite clothes that I forgot about, like my Golden Key t-shirt, my Games Workshop bomber jacket, and those comfy black track pants that everybody hates because they have holes in the groin area. Indoor pants only, I'm afraid.

Oh, I went to Golden Key induction ceremony the other day. Well...I am not sure what Debbie was complaining about. They had a very slick operation going on. I was very nervous because as I walked in, the very first people I encountered were the two people who I was most afraid to meet, the president who replaced me and her partner. I didn't know what to do. My heart was beating so fast I just casually said "Howdy" and walked past in to meet the new president and see what I could do to help.

I don't know what I was expecting. I had been told that these people had been saying nasty things about me behind my back. I didn't expect to be pointed out during the induction ceremony and personally thanked by Lucy for being president previously. I didn't expect them to be so welcome and friendly, and thankful for me being there to help - even though they really didn't need my help. It made me feel silly and just a little bit ashamed that I hadn't gone back earlier.

When we talked about it, I said that, I wasn't sure if I would be welcomed back. Those two had kept my grandmothers tapestry instead of auctioning it off. They'd always hoped I'd rejoin them.

So, I think that's what I'll do.

Mothers day - the day started with waffles covered in maple syrup and cream. It's hard to top that kind of day off. Actually, the whole day was really fun. I went shopping with Shane and my mum to buy a photo frame, and on the way we managed to fit in a sword fight, punching statues of women in the stomach, wearing power ranger masks, warning young children to "Don't be like us" before irresponsible behaviour in the shop, looking with our fingers, blaming each other, discoveries for science, helping our mother choose pantyhose, discussing the benefits of wearing flourescent pink underwear, and repeatedly beating my brother over the head with a roll of cellophane. THAT makes for an awesome day. To top it off we went to Fresh Choices and I ate my body weight in roast beef ^_^

Cheerleading - well, Sunday afternoon was dodgeball. There was a New Challenger! Actually, all this time I have been filling in for Lance, who had a back injury and couldn't play. Suddenly he was healthy and wanted to play. Awkward, since the team was full. So I made Cat's life easier and said I would hop out and cheerlead. Afterwards, she had a private conversation with me and explained that for a variety of reasons, they still want me to play, but I will be sharing time with Lance. So I am playing this week and next week, then alternating from then on.

During the game, I ran up and down the sidelines grooving my thing and occasionally calling out helpful tips ("Boom! Headshot!", "Cat - 50% German! 50% Japanese! 100% Awesome!") when some of the players commented that I danced like a girl. Uh...

So.

Actually, this is true.

This is because a few years back, when Rachel was on her 'Fix up Chris' routine so that I would be an acceptable boyfriend that she could be seen in public with, I enrolled in a hip hop dancing class. I didn't know anything about music, I didn't know anything about dancing, shh.

Anyway, I enrolled in two different classes; one was an on-stage performance thing (that had a set routine that we were learning) and the other was more freestyle; the on-stage one turned out to be a group of around a hundred people with one instructor. I dropped out of it because I wasn't learning anything, but the other one I stayed in for a few months until the instructor moved interstate.

I had said to her that I was concerned that the moves I was learning were kind of, well...I don't have breasts or sexy girly hips so some of the moves that I learned kind of didn't, ah, look right. She said it was fine, having some kind of rhythm was important, and besides, you never know when it can come in handy to know how to pole dance. So. Yes, I dance like a girl.

Get me some leotards and pom poms and I'll be the best damn cheerleader Epic's ever gonna have.

Things to do...

2008-05-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

1) Get one of the BIG shelves from Ikea.
2) Oh my God, so much washing. It has been stashed at the bottom of the cupboard for over a year. I had no idea I had so much linen. It's like one of those clown cars at the circus, where clowns just continue to pour out. I started pulling on an old town, and before I knew it, an unending steam of clothing vomited out all over me, my floor, my bed, and halfway up the bookshelf. 'Shelters of Stone' is the only thing visible.
3) Finish typing transcripts for Xuan-Linh. I have two more to go, and it requires about four hours to knock off one.
4) Work: Finish the program flow diagram for SRET/CITA.
5) Work: Hack up a parser for Encase by Friday.
6) Golden Key: I'm helping set up and pack up on Wednesday night. A good chance to meet the new executive and see what state it's in.
7) I'm giving a talk on writing requirements specification documents to the Adelaide University IT professors and a number of executive big wigs next Wednesday, rather ironic on account of not having drafted an accepted requirements specification document before.

I am starting to get the feeling I had back in 2005, when I first managed to shake out of the funk and make some progress. Things are happening. They are getting done. It's kind of exciting.

A world fit for heroes

2008-05-02T03:17:00.000-07:00

"Dunn - variants Dunne, O'Dunn, Dun. Meaning 'brown complexioned one'. This sept originated in county Leix and formed one of the principle families of Leinster, their chiefs being Lords of Iregan. The sept gets special mention in the 16th Century as being hostile and dangerous to the English cause. It is in that part of the country, that the Dunnes are now to be found in their greatest numbers. Nearly all who spelt their name Dunn are from Ulster. In the gallery of famous Irishmen is found Gillananoaomh O'Duinn (1102-1160), who was a great historian and poet and James O'Dunne, an active Jacobite (1700-1758), who was Bishop of Osorry."

--www.namehistories.com

Add Austin Dunn, my grandfather, to that list.

I know too little about this man. I remember walks in the small garden of their backyard, learning of the plants, the caterpillars, the birds and flowers. I remember barbecues and dinners and lunches. I remember going to the small Catholic church at St Kierans that, even now, still feels like home to me. I remember the many lessons and things that he taught me, and also the smiles, the glasses of sand, and the many mornings together.

I remember eating grapefruit and muesli without sugar. I remember the quiet room full of books, the many readers digests, the soft, gentle reverence in that house.

I remember walks on the beach, I remember walks in the park, I remember discovering and sharing the secret of the ant lions with him. I remember the beautiful view down Seebreeze street, I remember the annoying no-right-turn corner.

I remember using the lawn clippers to cut the wrong trees and getting in to trouble, and I remember how few times I visited.

The steep hill. Manly Vale. The wide, beautiful beach, with stranded blue bottles, shells, and stories. A thousand times a thousand footsteps, with him, my brothers, my family and cousins. I remember the mall, ice cream, easter, mornings.

My grandfather flew a Lancaster in the battle of Britain. He performed many rescue missions too. But he never spoke of this time to me, only to tell me what the strange machine that was pictured on his wall. Now it is too late to ask him, because last night he passed away.

The first person in my family to die that I remember was Auntie Moira. I was too young to appreciate the significance. I was sad, of course, I cried. Fifteen years have passed. I have been very, very fortunate to have my family members live for so long.

I should be sad. I should be crying. But, no tears will come. Partly, it's annoying to be a Christian because I believe - as he believed - that he's in a better place, and happier, and waiting for his wife to join him. (As an aside, saying to a grieving grandmother "I am sure you will see him again soon" may possibly not be comforting)

I didn't make the most of my opportunities to speak with him, so I am selfishly sad that he is gone before I could ask him more.

My grandparents story is an amazing romance. They met at a dance when their eyes happened to meet, and had been together ever since. I went home to Sydney only two years ago to celebrate their wedding anniversary.

I am sorry I didn't finish my degree fast enough for you to be glad to hear about it, Granddad Dunn. But I am very glad to share the ant-lions with you. I know you were very happy to see and play with such tiny creatures with me.

ah well, now I am crying.

Rest easy old friend. You had a life full of accomplishments and success. You finished well. I admire you.

We interrupt your regular program...

2008-04-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

I talked about the situation in the comments from the preceding post in private.

The situation is resolved.

Thank you for the people who did write comments to support.

I am not saying everything is 100% sweet, it will take time for people who have damaged trust to recover and so on, however, the situation is stable.

I never put a limit on people who posted here and I don't delete posts, even things I was later embarassed to write. Please continue to write if you have something to say, add, or enquire about, however - I don't want anything that rocks the boat right now, please. I will break my rule about non-deletions if I see confrontational words - even from me.

It's late so I am going to bed. I don't know if I will add to this, but for tonight, I am happy.

Take care and be well,

Sky

EDIT: Ah, is my pride really so big I won't make some changes to what I wrote? I know it makes me seem a liar to delete posts and leave THIS post unchanged, but I think it's better this way. There's no reason to leave words that only hurt laying about where others can trip over them.

Shelf get!

2008-04-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

I bought my first piece of furniture, some Antonius shelving things. It's not very classy at all. In fact they look ugly and skeletal, but luckily they nestle perfectly in my wardrobe so the only time they can be seen is when I open the doors. I bought one five draw kit and I have space for another three (or five if I decide to stack them) and at $50 a pop for five drawers, I actually feel it's a really good deal. Next is to actually gut the contents of my cupboards out and put them in the drawers, and yes, I am using 'Write my blog' as a means of procrastinating to avoid doing it.

This week was a very up and down week. Food has been so-so. Well really it has been good but I won't be 'mission accomplished' until I can go a whole week without buying fast food once. An unexpected problem is that healthy food is not very filling. Every afternoon I am terribly hungry. I have to prepare a proper lunch and health snacks for the afternoon so that I can go the whole day without giving in to an urge for chocolate. I compromised and bought health bars and munched on them whenever I got hungry.

Annie and I went bowling with her e-club last night. We had a really good time! Actually I am terrible at bowling, and only scored 74 >.> The second game I think was even worse, my arm was so tired AND I had some alcohol in me. I dropped the ball three times. Once I fell in to the bowling aisle, the second time the ball went backwards, and the third time my finger got stuck in it, so the ball just dropped straight down and rolled forwards. I couldn't bear to watch so went to sit down, but then everyone was yelling to look - I had thrown it so slowly, it had come to rest in the gutter a few metres from where I had thrown it. So, ah, I sneaked down the wax surface in my funky clown shoes and threw it again ^_~

I was the only person on the team who didn't get a strike. Bowling is just not my game it seems. Ah, but it was a lot of fun ^_^

The book I read was 'The Prince', by Niccolò Machiavelli. I did not know it but I actually have quoted or paraphrased from this book many times before, the work is that common. I am surprised that I had not come across it before. My first encounter with this is from the Command and Conquer: Red Alert instruction manual - "There is no avoiding war. It can only be delayed to the advantage of others." A friend of mine gave me some advice from this book so of course I applied what I had learned recently from it to the whole situation. From this I had some better understanding of the motives of my friends and the reasons for their behaviour.

The question Anonymous asked below, what's the common factor - I am not entirely certain. If I knew, I would say. I am not sure there is one factor.

This word 'maturity' is thrown about a lot these days. I have many people, both online friends and in real life, saying 'person x behaves in an immature way' or 'this person just likes to cause drama/get attention' etc or whatever. You know, 'act your age' etc etc.

I think people have different ideas of maturity. My idea of maturity is a person who takes responsibility, acts with honor and integrity, helps other people, and defends those who cannot. Other people might say things like reliable, gets results, has 'class', has great knowledge, is unemotional, or many other words.

The thing is, none of these people are psychologists. At best we are some kind of person who has read a self-help book or manual, or maybe watched some good inspirational videos. But maturity is an intangible concept. It's not something you have, like a car, or even something like a relationship (which is intangible but still _definable_). Maturity...like many other things...is in the eye of the beholder.

People judge you not by who you are or who you think you are but by what you do, the results you get. Actions speak louder than words.

I will always admit to an error, and I will never hide from punishment. Discipline won't kill a person, but it can save them from death! The person who does not learn does not change state. They never break out of their circle until they can change.

I don't know what the common factor is (except, of course, for me). Often what has hamstrung me, though, is fear - fear of hurting others, fear of failure, fear of financial disaster, fear of heartbreak. Because I am too afraid to take action, the result is - take no action. But, you know, if actions speak louder than words, and people judge you by your actions, and I take no action...

EDIT: I have removed some text from this entry. Some of it really only pertained to the people involved in the situation, and since it is now resolved, leaving it here is kind of awkward. For this reason also, I removed one of my comments, and with the permission of one of the contributors, one of their comments also. So! Let's move on from here and try not to look back. The place we didn't go to yet is always more interesting than where we just left.

Escape Vector

2008-04-22T04:55:00.000-07:00

So, recovery.

I lost sight of my goal and so I was wandering randomly. Because of this, I did not follow the steps that I had laid out for myself to follow to reach the result. My motivation was gone. I didn't see any reason to try anymore.

I read a really interesting book and had a few very interesting conversations. Then anonymous said below,

"everything is a riddle

the answer to getting out of a circle is to start moving in straight lines..find a starting point and an ending point."

Actually I was going to write something like this, so it's really a great cooincidence that this person would say such a thing.

Well, what do I want? There are some different spheres to move in.

Friendships: I am not talking very much with the two people who I hope to be my close friends. I want to recover these friendships.

Relationships: I have a lot of work to do. I can't write about it here. My new motivation is from here. I said it before; now I am sure of it - I am not good boyfriend material. "If she is worth it, she will wait for you." I shouldn't keep her waiting for so long. We don't live forever, after all. This leads me to...

Finances and food: I have been unable to save any money. Up until now I had only been looking at the big things and not understanding that the little things added up. After tracking it for a while, I learned I was wasting between $150-$200 a week on food. Every morning at work I am buying food from the shops, then for lunch, then for dinner. Often I also buy dinner for my brother.

Breaking out of this habit will be very hard but I have to do it to escape.
The first thing I did was take a bowl and spoon to work. Then I bought some breakfast cereal and milk, and I will eat this very cheap food for breakfast from now. I don't have breakfast at home, I am not hungry when I first wake up so I don't want to eat. I also use the bowl to eat soup and noodles at work for lunch, instead of buying the expensive canteen lunch.

This is only half of the problem. The other half is to get in to the habit of planning meals and cooking them at night. I have a good friend who has promised to help me do this since I have been unsuccessful so far on my own to learn it.

Food and finances are the foundation that I need to build on. I am currently semi-tidy; I threw out my old bed and got a new one, there is no junk on the floor (still some on my desk though) and no glasses or food or yuk in here. When I was cleaning up I threw out a lot of old things that I did not look at for ten years, but had just been keeping "Just in case I wanted to look again."

So I looked at them one more time then got rid of them. Things from ten years ago...well, some was painful. I had written many promises and lofty goals and dreams that I did not meet. But carrying around all this junk in my life was just weighing me down and holding me back from going to a better place.

And well, some of it was just junk. Now that I have graduated, there is no reason to keep my old assignments around to copy from >.>;;

It seems I am in the same position I was at the start of the year. Wanting to improve my finances, my health, my fitness, my career. Actually, really I am. I made some small progress in all of these areas, but I am not satisfied.

So, the start point is 'here'. First is, fix up eating and spending. Next is fix up cleaning and shopping and being tidy in all areas.

The end point is, move to USA 2009 and take up the job I always wanted to do.

I am not going to do Masters at UniSA. In June they will re-evaluate my contract. I will ask to be put on as academic staff (rather than professional staff). The difference is, I will be expected to produce research papers for the company. I have two very good and experienced researchers who wish to support me in this. The proviso is, I have to finish the SRET kit prototype before my contract runs out. They want some proof that I will finish what I have begun before they will invest in me.

I think that's a very fair thing. When I look back, I can see many times where I have said "I will do xxx" and then did not actually achieve it. So I can respect that people might be dubious of my ability or intentions.

So my short term goals are:
Recover my friendships, if those people want to be my friend still
Sort out my home life: cooking, cleaning, shopping
Get down and dirty with my job and finish with style, not sliding in to the end like my final assignment

So, now you know my hopes. Later if these things work out, I can say more about my dream. But after having so many failures, I feel too embarassed to say about something in great detail.

Infinite State Automaton

2008-04-15T03:41:00.000-07:00

The hardest subject that I attempted and passed was Limits of Computation. It was the mathematics and theory behind a thinking machine.

Computers are finite state machines. A computer exists in a certain state, and continues to cycle between different states as changes to the system are made by/in response to the user.

This is a very simple state diagram.

This machine has only four states that it exists in, and a number of state change paths that it can follow or cycle over. A system must remain in a planned state - a controlled state - and it must not have unplanned exits. A state diagram always starts at So, and goes to Sx, where Sx is a single state denoted by two circles. In the diagram, it is S3.

If this system ever entered S2, it would go in to an infinite loop and never terminate correctly. This happens when your computer 'hangs'. If the computer tries to go to a state that doesn't exist, it doesn't know what to do. Programmers try to catch these errors and make your programs handle it in dignified manner. When they get it right, programs can continue to operate after an error - the error message pops up, "Hi, this thing broke! T_T I am sorry. Please don't be mad!" and you hit ok and move on. When an unhandled exception occurs, you get the blue screen of death.

It's called a finite state automaton because there are limits to the number of states the machine can go to. It can only make decisions and change states within the predefined bounds of the programmer. It's not a thinking machine. It can only make decisions and change states. A computer is a very powerful tool but it can never make any new thing on it's own.

Humans have states too. In addition to states, we have status - additional features tacked on top of whatever state we are in that is carried around with us until we enter a state where that status effect is removed. IE - you were working all day and got sleepy. When you go to sleep - the sleep state - the effect of the sleep state is to remove fatigue. You don't have a state 'tired'. You have a state 'working', 'sleeping', 'playing', etc etc. You can only be in one state at a time, but a person can change between them very, very quickly. If you pick up many status effects - such as fatique, illness, sadness, hunger - and you don't remove them properly, they can start to stack up.

Eventually the person can't cope with all these things going on and has an unhandled exception - they crash and burn. In an extreme case, they have a nervous breakdown. They just can't handle everything all at once anymore so they drop everything.

A person is an infinite state automaton. Our brain is a thinking machine. The limits on our computational ability are not finite. A human has unlimited potential. We can do and be many, many different things. However, the machine needs direction. Unguided and without a goal, the brain can wander in to many strange places, or begin to follow a pattern, and cycle over and over.

You have surely seen it. Some person who keeps making the same mistakes over and over. Not small things like forgetting their credit card number, or to pay their bills. Problems on a grander scale - not knowing how to budget, always getting into the same doomed relationships, having some kind of addiction to something - this is a cycle that a person may not realise they are in. They think they are in control of the situation, and any time they want to, they can leave it. Since they are in control, they don't worry about what it is doing to their lives. They think they can stop at any time, so if they are enjoying themselves now, why stop? It's not until they realise that they are hurting other people that they think it's time to change. And then they suddenly discover that they are in a cycle that maybe they need help to break out of.

People change state often. Most of the time it is a controlled change, even if they have to react to an unplanned situation. This is because we ARE learning machines, and when we make mistakes we usually remember the result. If one way doesn't work, try a different way next time! People exposed to a completely new situation often freeze up and don't react well. It takes initiative and applied learning to handle a new, unexpected situation. A persons instinct is to react to the environment until they are comfortable and understand it - then they make changes to that environment to suit their needs, and the needs of others.

That is the reason that 'practise makes perfect'. You become, over time, attuned to a situation, familiar with it, and you know what to do. The danger is that one can become too familiar, and wary of breaking out of the cycle. It is comfortable. I am happy. Why should I change? You see, we are learning machines. Learning is what we do. Time is always moving forwards. It's the final end state that all humans have to go to. We don't know what is after the Big Server Crash. All these 1's and 0's that make up our world, we don't know what it counts for. It's better to have a life full of many different states rather than only fill it with the same thing over and over.

I have spoken on this blog and in other places about being caught in a repeating circle, of circles within circles. This year has already been a great triumph in breaking out of these repeated circles. The new cycle I am in is to overcome a problem, then consolidate my position, recover, and plan the next step. I try not to make uncontrolled changes. Uncontrolled changes leads to a crash. I already crashed once late last year and nearly failed because of it.

Now I am in recovery state. Next is to check out the current situation, and look at what I want to do. There are many chances in the near future, and I need to properly plan out my path. I want to cross as many states as I can, without getting bogged down in bad cycles, and ensuring I still reach my goals.

Humans can do anything, but not everything is good for you.

A booty witch and red

2008-04-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

I have several different things to write about, but all of them are unrelated. So I am going to go with the fun thing first and roll on to the less-fun things in subsequent blog posts.

On Sunday I played with a young Vietnamese girl who enjoyed singing and drawing pictures. So I tried to teach her a bit of the Australian National Anthem – now, she was five years old and I am not sure of her reading ability, but at the very least she could mimic what I was saying (except r’s were a bit of trouble) and at least pretend she was following my finger pointing to the words. She did a very good job! “A booty witch and red” is the result from “A beauty rich and rare.” In hindsight picking the sentence with the most r’s in it for a child who had the most trouble with r’s was probably cruel and evil, but it didn’t occur to me until after a few tries. ‘For we are young and free’ came out much better.

I also played hide and seek (badly) and also enjoyed some fine Vietnamese cuisine, and got some more insight in to Asian culture. I have another cute picture on my fridge from a child – one is a small alpaca, the other is a house with…ah…somebody? I am not sure. It is not me. I am usually very popular with very, very small children (because, you know, they aren’t old enough to know better) on account of my inherent immaturity.

Well, maturity is a word that is thrown around a lot in some of my circles of friends lately. Adults enjoy saying to others “That behaviour is immature” or “you are acting like a child”. But that is the topic of another blog post.

I also played dodgeball. It was my first time playing it since Scouts. Back in Scouts, I made a game where everybody would throw balls at me – footballs, basketballs, tennis balls – and I had to dodge and evade. The rules were, keep throwing until I fall over and die. This was the indoor version of Fuji. Scouts was a strange situation. I was feared, hated and liked at the same time. For some reason I had a reputation of being a dangerous adversary and powerful ally at Scouts, while these same people at school would bully me. A uniform did very strange things to people’s minds. The Fuji game worked like this – whenever we were camping, everybody would try to hunt me down and attack me. But you see, they would split up in to small groups to find me, so I would encounter them in these little groups and counter-attack. Nothing major, just jump out, push them over, then go run and hide somewhere else. Eventually other people joined my group - so then we had Fuji, Muji, Guji, Suji...It was a lot of fun, up until the Scout masters had an issue with people running around in the Australian hinterlands in total darkness. So the indoor version developed. Everybody loved to play it, even me, because dodge ball is a lot of fun.

So! I played dodgeball. The only part of me that doesn’t hurt today is my left arm. We won, by a big amount. I think it was 40 to 16 or something. It started very badly because it was my first game and my instinct from softball was try to catch everything that came anywhere near me. The rules of dodgeball are: If you catch somebody, they are out, and one of your team mates can come back in. If you are hit (or even if you try to catch and stuff it up), you are out. Keep going until one team is all out or nine minutes is up. So when a ball came past and I dived to catch it and missed it, I was out. This happened a few times until somebody came over and said that it was a better strategy to miss a catch than to be hit. So I pretended that it was my plan from the beginning, not that I had been unconciously trying for everything...

I am not very strong so I don’t throw very well, and after the first match my arm was tired and I didn’t have much attack power. The teams were mixed, three boys and three girls a side. I was able to make some semi-decent catches, but I only took out two opponents from throwing at them. My main contribution was to fossik up loose balls and pass them to the more experienced players.

Also, the team name was Epic. No really. It was “Epic”. The irony was that the team colour was grey. Nobody appreciated it except me.

Urrrrrrg

2008-04-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

I meant to write something here earlier, and really, there is a lot that I could and should put up. But I feel sick today. Symptoms are - dizzy, feeling nausea, lethargy.

Anh; I read your comments that you made a few days ago, and I appreciated what you had to say. You are always welcome to write here, even if you disagree with what I say. From conflict, comes learning ^_^

I found out the reason I was unable to save money and have taken steps to rectify it.

Gym: There was a new situation in my life that meant that some of the things I planned did not occur. I intend to pick this up again next week.

Food: This was pretty good with some fails. Last night I cooked dinner again (maybe that is why I feel sick now >.>) but the major win was that I went shopping and bought food for two weeks rather than my usual 5 minutes notice thing. It's lucky because my younger brother will be staying for a few days and I know all my food will disappear.

I did not make much progress in work this week. I have been worrying about some other things and had some trouble concentrating. Also I am being continually distracted at work by a co-worker who is very passionate about a game and continues to bug me about it.

I don't feel so good so I think Ill leave it here for now.

oh right

I have been talking with the new president of the Golden Key chapter here. The old president is the one who gave me such trouble and said things to the group like "We don't want Chris as a president, he has an unglamorous job and it reflects poorly on us". This is off the back of one of the old executive seeking me out to complain about the old leadership. She said that after I left, most of the structure I had established was immediately changed.

The Chapter I had built was based around small groups that focused on tasks that were interesting to them; an individual from each group would then meet with other group leads and once every three or four weeks we would meet up and have an executive meeting. This encouraged largely autonomous group participation and meant people with varied schedules could still engage in the running of the Chapter - nobody was left behind. I recognised that people had different schedules and that a single mother who was studying had different time needs than a student in their teens with little responsibility.

This structure worked well; the main feature was that LOTS of people could join in and there was room for them to pursue their own goals - one person was interested in art, so organised students in her field to meet up with local artists, for example.

However after I left the new president had her own agenda and cancelled all of this thing. She molded it into only benefitting the people in her career choice, and her partner. My friend said to me that I made the Chapter into a friendly, group oriented architecture, where the focus was on mutual support. She said that she was touched that I made the time to seek out people who couldn't be involved as much and supported others who were trying new things.

But the person who replaced me made it in to a business like thing. If you could not meet the schedule of this person, well too bad! You could not participate in the group. My friend said many people had left the executive because they could not meet the demands of this president. This person said that she felt decieved; the purpose of the society had become subverted. Golden Key's premise is simple - those who are fortunate and successful have a duty to care for those who do not have the same advantages that we do. Specifically, not every body has access to the same level of education. We recognise that a person who could not attend classes because they have other responsibilities such as families or work should not be abandoned.

However the chapter had become a self service thing. Instead of using pooled abilities to help others, it was now using others support to promote the leadership group. My friend felt guilty approaching new members to recruit them because she felt they would be used by the leadership and discarded once they were used up. The same people were the ones to always 'win' the free trips to the conferences - the chapter had essentially become a fundraiser to pay for the President and her partner to fly overseas.

That is what I was told. Is it true? I desperately hope not. But, I already saw the start of this when I left. So reluctantly, I have to believe at least some of it.

As I am a graduate, I can't fulfill an executive role. But...in 2006 I was five votes away of being the leader for the entire Asia-Pacific region. The society has great potential for helping others. I am interested in rejoining - the president asked me to help out at some events, so.

It can't hurt to go along and find out for myself the situation, right?

Graduation!

2008-03-30T18:53:00.000-07:00

In a little over half an hour, I am heading to the Festival Theater with my friends and family to pick up my degree in Computers and Information Science.

In the end it took ten years and thirty six days from first enrolment to the final parchment being awarded.

I was thinking as I had my hair cut today, a lot of my precious things are kept in boxes or hidden away - they are too valuable to take out and put on display in this junk house. I am saving them for that special place, my home, and to share with the woman that would be the one I decided would be my wife.

I didn't find a place to call home yet.

The wind of change

2008-03-25T16:44:00.001-07:00

Can you feel the wind? It is pushing the leaves and debris around, the little things that don't matter from here and there. The big things that are important remain the same and weather a storm. Things that are fickle and worthless are torn away.

The wind is blowing very strongly now. I don't know what will remain when the tempest dies down. I will soon see who are the fair weather friends, and who remains after.

I have been holding on to something very painful since October. Finally I let it go. Sometime soon I will write about everything here, but for now, while the wind is blowing, I can't say. I had to let it go. It was ruining my life.

For my friends who will weather the storm, I thank you for your patience.

Helper Cat and Paladin Azrael

2008-03-02T04:49:00.001-08:00

What an interesting week.

First of all - shout out to my mother.

Hi mum! I love you!

^_~

---

'Helper Cat' is the name that Anna gave me. That is because it was my nature to help other people, always offering to volunteer my time and things to assist others. It is obligation free help. This is because of my time with the Lions Youth of the Year quest, from the question "What does it mean to be a volunteer?"

Although this was a very simple question, it stayed with me from that day - so well that I can't remember the other important question. Always, this has been my way. I have been raised to volunteer and to assist others, even to some personal cost. It is not some plan to convince others I am a nice person, omg, trust me! Although when I was younger, at first that was my way.

This person who felt guilty for not being sincere about his good actions was Azrael; that is the name I called myself on the internet back at that time. I had many misgivings with the church; I felt personally responsible for the misdeeds done in its name against my friends. I had been told that there was only two faiths in the world - you were a Christian of some variety, or you were evil and out to destroy all that was good and right. Encountering non-Christians who were good people was a big conondrum for me. Smite Evil does not work on good people. Very confusing for me.

However some time from then, I discovered a better me, one who was sincere in his actions, in my genuine desire to help other people for a greater good. I am happy to be this person. So from that time, I left the name Azrael behind. I did not need it anymore.

Last night I was told by my friend, "You eat like a cat." The meaning is, I am very particular with my cutlery, and always have to have neat hands. I think this is a result of my time as a baker; I despised having flour or any sticky thing on my skin. I would wash my hands many, many times in the morning (with industrial strength detergent. Don't do that.) while I was at work. From then, although my living habitat is always kind of messy (I prefer the term 'uniquely organised') my personal hygene has been very high. I dislike the feeling of oily skin or sweat in my clothes.

Cats are very important animals to me. Before Wallace the Great Devourer, there was Kitty, my friend and companion. Kitty was always aloof and unfriendly and did not like to hug. Nevertheless, she was very curious and would always like to be around people and watch, just not participate. Wallace is a dreadnought of a cat. He likes to be the centre of attention. His favourite game is to pretend that he wants you to pat his belly. Really he doesn't, he just wants you to put your hand near him so that he can bite it. His other favourite game is to steal all of the food from the neighbours houses, or to live in the gutter, or to sleep on the road, or vomit up horrors on the verandah. One time was a (still living) half meter tape worm. This was marginally less horrific than digging maggots out of Pony's skull (against all odds, operation SUCCESS), which to this day ranks as The Most Ghastly Thing I've Had To Do.

I think Wallace is in some degree feral. However, I liked his personality and some of it has rubbed off on to me. He is a very mellow person. When I visit home, he always remembers me, and we spend an hour or so catching up. I am then covered in cat hair and drool for the rest of my time at home, but I don't mind. There is some kind of special friendship we have that transcends normal limits.

Sometimes the best way to help is by not helping. You have to stand back and let the other people make their own mistakes, because if you get in the way, when it all falls apart they will blame you for their failure and not learn from the situation. It is hard for me to do this because I am a caring person and it goes against my nature to stand idle and let somebody else be hurt. In this kind of situation, the best thing is not to say 'I told you so' but to silently stay nearby for when they are ready to talk to you.

I am a good person. Every day that goes by, I am a slightly better person. Inside me is a shining white light and although I sometimes have dirty hands, it is nothing that I cannot wash off in time. I hate to have grime on my skin. During this time, I cannot touch anything that is valuable to me, because that valuable thing will then have the grime on it too, and it must be cleansed. It's easier to wait, and just wash my own hands. In the Bible, washing hands is also a way to say 'I am finished with a situation.' But in this case, I am not walking away. I am the good healer that knows that an infected injury must be cleansed before it can heal; and to cleanse, one must have clean hands.

To Kill a Mockingbird

2008-02-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

This week has been very hard for me. I learned many painful things.

This week has been very good for me. I learned many important things.

Growing is hard to do. The comfortable clothes you have and the world around you does not change to match the different you. Instead, you have to adjust to the world as you yourself change. In the process of adjusting, you also grow - and so the process of growing and adjusting is one of constant change. To not grow, means to stop changing, means to no longer fit in to the world, and so you will be left behind; die.

That is the rule of life.

Goals:
Food - this has been terrible. I know the reason for me to fail here and I will be working on it this week.

Saving - I managed to meet my goal for four weeks, but then my car had a problem which used up EXACTLY the total amount I had saved so far >.>;; Cars are expensive. But, I learned that I can use public transport to go from work to home faster than driving in the afternoon. Car fuel is very expensive. I run through $60 a week. Public transport will cost me $40 a week. It is only a small saving, but like all things in life, it is the little things that add up to make a big thing.
I will try it out not this week, but the week after, and see how much of a difference it makes.

I am not sure if this is a 'win' or a 'loss'. I did manage to save money. If I didn't have saved money, then my car could not be fixed. From the long term plan, this step was failed, but in the short term, it was success. I think this is the meaning of the saying "To win the battle but lose the war." Fortunately I have many, many more battles ahead of me, so I can still try to change my fate.

Exercise - I did not go to the gym for over a week now, so you would think 'Oh Sky, you failed here.' Actually I exercised a lot harder this week than I did before! I have fenced for two Monday nights in a row. Fencing is...unlike gym, which leaves me broken and utterly unable to move, fencing is an endurance thing. It uses completely different muscles, too. It is the junction of three things - your intellect, your strength, and your precision.

The following Wednesday I also went sailing again. This time I did not fall in to the ocean, win! The wind was stronger so the waves were bigger, but the direction was more favourable and so we did not have to tack as often. My fellow Lion from Kenya, Boyan, came out this week. Due to car trouble (and having to borrow my brothers car) ID I did not get to go sailing at the most recent time, but hopefully next week will be better.

I saw how dangerous sailing could be last time. There were thirty boats all trying to do a 180 degree turn about a buoy in the river channel, only a hundred metres wide. I did not see a single boat collide with another, but the sounds told an amazing story. Even though we moved so slow, the sharp crack of sails changing in the wind, the yells of boatsmen warning to each other, the crash-sh of wash being forced out...all of it combined in to a very tense situation.

I count sailing as exercise because the next day my body hurts like I have been exercising. I am not sure exactly what I have done that counts as exercise while I am on the boat, but it hurts, so, as long as the body thinks I am fit, it's all good.

Saturday afternoon was laser skirmish. This is done outdoors. We wore hats that detected when a laser had been fired at it, and the hats had a wire that connected them to the gun - if you were hit, the gun was disabled from firing for three seconds (but you could still be hit, so run and hide!). The guns were quite large and surprisingly heavy. The children had a small uzi style thing that they could fire one handed, that had a red laser pointer targetter. The women and Sky had a heavier four kilogram thing that needed two hands to fire and a scope. It was designed to be used as a sniper rifle. To make it more fun, this gun would announce loudly when you were out of ammunition.

The last gun was a fat five kilogram monster that was some kind of heavy machine gun. It was a 'spray and pray' approach. All of the men except for myself took this one, so of course I was the butt of many jokes about taking a womens gun. Well, I am not very strong! But actually I had seen the terrain that we would be fighting on, and it was a heavy slope with lots of objects to hide behind. I knew that most of us were unfit and would want to play the sniper game. So, having a sniper rifle seemed like the smartest thing to do. I am glad that I chose it because my arms did suffer a lot from carrying it around, but not as badly as the men who then had big bruises on their arms the next day at work!

This game was a lot of fun. The only problem for me is that I like instant gratification, if I can't see that I scored a hit on somebody I keep on shooting at them - if they don't react (and many of the children completely ignored that they had just been liquidated and continued to fire at me even though their gun had stopped working) I would keep plugging away until they gave up or I ran out of ammo. I could not tell if I had scored a hit or was missing my target unless I was close enough to hear their gun make the 'omg I was hit!' sound, which was about, fifty metres.

I did not know how to use a scope. This was a surprise! Previously I have used only open sight weapons, so you would get up real close and personal with it to get the best shot. But this scope would not work unless you moved your head slightly back from it. Perhaps my head was in the wrong position, and many of my attacks missed the target - I don't know.

This Tuesday coming, Michael is taking me with him to the Army Reserve training. I was also approached on Friday to consider doing Masters after I graduate. They didn't ask for a yes/no, just to say "Would you consider it?" I said I would consider it but I would like to know more details first. I said about my original plan to move to USA for my dream job, but I was keenly aware that where I am now is very good and 85% my dream job already.

I need to work out what I want again, and what is important to me.

Relationships - this was a really big surprise.

Kind of I was still on a downward spiral to self destruct. I was looking for something to hang on to so that I didn't have to start all over again. There was a girl that I had been very cruel to only a few months ago who, out of desperation, I turned to. What I found surprised me and was a big wake up call for me.

She said that she had forgiven me for the way I had treated her. Instead of allowing it to hurt her, she said that it had inspired her to prove me that I was wrong about her, and she had moved on in her life to successful things. She also thanked me, because in the midst of saying painful things to her, I had also said some things that were deeply inspiring to her.

She taught me that forgiveness is something that a person has from inside of them. They don't need to say it to another person, "I forgive you for xxx". If you have to tell the person you forgive them to feel better about it yourself, then you didn't really forgive them, did you?

There has always been some sexual tension between the two of us, but we have not done anything about it because she is married. After this conversation, the tension vanished. I did not realise that I had been behaving badly until I stopped doing it. I literally could not see. Afterwards, we went out to the Fringe Festival together and had a great time. We changed our frustration with each other for wanting to do something we shouldn't do, into a...I am not really sure. Whatever it was, it was a good thing. Instead of feeling some obligation to hold her things while she was trying on different clothes, instead of feeling obliged to do/say something, I was able to move honestly and freely. I felt good and confident about myself and was able to relax, and she did too. We talked about it and wondered the reasons for it. I don't know.

But whatever the situation, we somehow built a surprisingly good friendship out of an embarassing and awkward situation. Somehow we gave each other exactly what we needed, not what we wanted.

From this, I realised that what I had said earlier in my blog about women was disrespectful and wrong. I wanted to delete it, but as an adult I must accept responsibility for the things that I have done and said. Later I will write more in my blog about it, but for now, this apology can do.

--Edit:
I forgot the last bit of exercise that I did which was, for lazy Sky, quite epic. After I took my car to the mechanic, I walked to work - I knew I would be late, but I didn't realise HOW late - an hour and a half. On Friday, I left work at 4:20 and ran to the mechanic. I got there at 4:50. I ran in thirty minutes what it had taken me ninety minutes to walk. I don't know the distance or how it compares to actual effort (as I didn't run ALL of the way) but I haven't run this distance for a long time. It's a small but definite show that the gym and exercise is improving my fitness. I am really happy :D

Primary Mission Accomplished

2008-02-16T19:20:00.000-08:00

On February 14 at 10 am I recieved the e-mail to tell me that my final submission was a Credit, which was enough to push my failed mark up to a pass.

The result is that I will be graduating in March 2008.

It only took me ten years >.>;;

The difference between boys and girls

2008-02-10T18:59:00.001-08:00

As I was growing up, I learned that girls were never treated with much respect by boys, and the world seemed to accept and encourage it. For some reason, they were treated as less-than-people. Their good ideas and advice were ignored, and they were made fun of and degraded. Even something like a simple reminder was written off as nagging. If a woman has a problem, it is never as important as the problem a man might have, because a man is always using logic whereas a woman is always emotional. For some reason, emotion is not a valid reason to have a problem. Something like feelings are only temporary. Tomorrow, you will have forgotten you are upset, silly girl! That is why we don’t take what you have to say seriously. Why should we do anything about what you have to say today? Tomorrow you will want a different thing. That is the argument I always hear.

I didn’t understand why women accepted this treatment. The boys that they liked so much didn’t even see them as equals. But still, girls would allow themselves to be talked over and ignored and relegated only to be pretty things to show off to others. I had hoped that as we got older and people matured, girls would raise their standards and not allow themselves to be treated this way. I didn’t want to accept that world, so I tried to live in a way where I could feel satisfied. I always felt I treated women with the same respect and consideration as I do any other person. To me, there is no difference. I believe women are just as capable as men to do any important thing, and some things they can do better. Any adult having this conversation would come to the same agreement. So, why do these same adults not respect a woman’s ability? I don’t understand it.

More, I don’t understand why girls don’t stand together to change it. Men don’t respect women, but they like having them around because they are useful to do things for them. If a girl complains to a man, he will just ignore it because…it’s not important to him. She can’t complain to him about his behaviour being the reason she is upset. He won’t hear it. In this situation, the girl’s only choice is to eventually leave. In a group situation, the boys will all point and degrade the woman who is leaving and make up stories to say that she is attention seeking or a drama queen, all the while belittling her and saying to all the other girls who can see ‘if you are upset and complain this is how you will be treated’. So long as a woman can be singled out and targeted individually like this, it’s impossible for her to win. Even if a man stands up for her, the others will say he has feelings for her and is ignored, because – well – feelings aren’t grounded in logic, so, he shouldn’t be listened to either.

In that kind of situation, only women can stand up for each other. A man can’t do it, even if he wants to. His only choice is to leave the group if he can’t support the way the women are treated in it. If he is not part of the solution, then he is part of the problem.

But I wonder what would happen if all the women stood together and left at once? Suddenly, the men are the ones who have a problem. I wonder what the world would be like if it was run by women.

I’d like to think that humanity had gotten past this basic immaturity but it seems we still have a long way to go.

Sky_Pirate

2008-02-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

Today I went sailing on Stan's friend's ship, the Naiad. I'm told it's a Norse word for 'Water Nymph'. The vessel is ten feet long and had a crew of myself (ballast), Michael (assistant director from work, also ballast), Stan (from work - jig controller-guy), Sarah (mysterious girl who did things with ropes), Liz (the captain for the day), Liz' husband (the usual captain who was watching over Liz to make sure nothing exploded), and their daughter, whose name I never caught, who did something else, maybe navigation, I'm not sure.

The wind was strong and the skies overcast, but the day was good. The water temperature was also quiet pleasing, as I discovered about half an hour in to the race when I partially fell in to it.

It started off very well. As we pulled away from the vessels permanent dock in the marina, a pod of three dolphins came up and started playing. Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera - I was worried about it getting wet (a good fear as it turned out) and didn't have it on me.

My job on the boat was essentially to counterbalance the boat whenever it tacked. We were sailing in to the wind for the first part of the race. I was surprised by how much speed the boat was able to pick up even when sailing in to the wind. To do it, the captain had to zig-zag the boat every two or three minutes. At this point, I had to hop from one side of the boat, over the cabin, and down to the other side, whilst avoiding the bottom of the sail from smashing my skull into little mush pieces. As you can tell be the fact I am writing here without some impairment, I managed to escape without having splinters of skull liquifying my precious brain meats.

However, this did happen - one time I was too slow to get across and the boat had tipped up to somewhere between 65-70 degree angle. I was mid-clamber across and didn't have any hand holds, so instead I just fell. I managed to grab one of the wooden railings on the cabin as I dropped and so I only thigh deep in to the water. I needed help to get pulled back on board because my clothes were suddenly waterlogged and too heavy for me to get back on after having gone to the gym the night before >.>;; Luckily Michael-ballast-assistant was in easy reach of me and we proceeded on without further trouble. I scraped my left shin considerably on the toe rail. After about five minutes of pathetic whimpering the pain went away. Historically I don't tend to bruise at all, so I won't have anything to show off, but later Stan took a photo of the cuts. Then we all traded horror stories of injuries. I think the worst was Stan's son Stefan, who had fallen and dislocated his knee as well as taking off huge amounts of skin, ow.

Aside from this minor thing, the day was actually a lot of fun. I'd recommend it to anybody. Afterwards, we all had dinner at the yacht house. I don't know if I will do it every Wednesday night, but I will definately try it again.

Yesterday, Ben and I had a great conversation on our tea break. It started out with me complaining about the task Shraga had given me, but then Ben gave me a startling revelation: The reason I am doing this research is because nobody has done it before. The AFP couldn't tell me anything, not because it was secret, but because the information simply didn't exist. This was encouraging!

Ben: "Nobody has done anything like this before. So, if you get it wrong, nobody will know."

I can't argue with that logic.

From there, we talked about the future of the human race. What will humanity look like in ten billion years time? We agreed that the first race would be to find a way to make humanity independant of this rock we call Earth. I reckon we can make it. But first we have to resolve the problem of people currently having to eat mud cookies. I had this same conversation with three different people in the last week - Bosco at the Vietnamese New Year, Sarah over the weekend, and now Ben.

So, here's a question for you - if you could live forever, in your preferred state (so for me anywhere from 22-now seems good), would you do it? Some people say to me, no, they would get bored. Others say that without some kind of time limit, the value of life would be diminished. Others say that they want to experience the whole range of human feelings, including growing old and death. Others say, they want to know what comes next.

Me? Hell no. I'm going to live forever. I could live for eternity and still not experienced everything I wanted to.

What about you?

It's time to conquer earth

2008-01-31T03:37:00.000-08:00

Ah, Power Rangers. I can remember when they were still cool, which was, if I recall correctly, for the first five minutes of the first episode. This kind of cheesy thing is burned in to the brains of my brothers and I. "Alpha, Rita's escaped!" and other such lines are the trigger point for all kinds of madness and hilarity.

Santa, a powerful demonic force?

Santa <--> Satan. Discuss.

He knows if you've been bad or good.
He breaks into peoples houses and bribes them with objects of material value to teach them that it's OK to be just good enough to get what you want.
He teaches children that if they are good they DESERVE a reward...
Both are fans of wearing red.
Both seem to have an excessively long life span.
One lives in the North Pole. The other is destined to an eternity of burning torment. (After centuries of living in the arctic, a million degree bath might not be so bad...)
Way too friendly with children and the sitting-on-the-lap thing.
Nobody should be that happy all the time.
Somehow, Santa suits always look better on women.

"Alpha, Santa's escaped..."
There was those creatures called 'putties' that, if you hit right in the chest plate, would explode. This kind of thing is hilarious.
So when Shane said, "You have to hit Santa in the sack to make him explode", he obviously meant the sack full of toys, and not some other sack that he might have had. Right? Right?

So. Santa. Powerful demonic force.

There's a reason small children fear him.

On an unrelated note, I knew this day would come. Gym.

Last night for the first time I had my first case of feeling totally inadequate.
Here I was heaving and puffing to lift two three kilogram blocks up and down and up and down and up and down...three sets of twelve.
Next to me some guy was casually hoisting...well, it looked like about 160 kilograms. I don't know. I didn't want to look too closely, because that would mean he would look back, and see me straining to lift these two tiny blocks, while he was...well...you get the picture.

Actually he did say hello to me, and not unkindly said, "you have to start somewhere." So I guess he could tell I was feeling embarassed about it.

Last night I didn't finish rowing for the first time. Normally I row first. That leaves my arms trashed. So I decided to do the weights first. What do you know! That leaves my arms even MORE trashed. After 1200 metres I developed some kind of painful thing in my side, like a stitch. I pushed on but it got so bad, I just curled over and died at the 1420 metre mark.

I read that 'The harder you train, the more recovery time you need, the less often you have to train'. I didn't know. I don't plan on becoming some big meathead, but in between fencing, gym, and tennis, I might finally get rid of this bowling ball on my stomach. Ugh. There's a photo of me at the Morialta falls walk up on Dasi where it looks like I have a kitchen board up my shirt. Seriously. My stomach looks square. It just aint natural.

Warcraft:

The guild on Surumar packed up and desintegrated over the Christmas break. Ian said it was because they couldn't get 25 mans happening, and some of the members started to run with other guilds that could. So when they didn't even have enough members to run Karazhan anymore (which was on farm status) they realised the group was in negative growth and pulled the plug. From the original guild, only six decided to stay together.

I heard an interesting thing on WoW Radio (yes I am a nerd). They said 'People always say guilds break up because of something in the game. For some it is changing from 5 man content to 10 man content, or 10 man to 25, or some change in the game or even over a ninja'd piece of loot. But the truth is, good guilds progress through these difficult times because they enjoy playing with each other. Guilds that are only sticking together for progress are the ones that will break, because if the guild is not moving forward, the members feel that their time is being wasted and they grow frustrated. It becomes a powder keg and the first small thing that goes wrong - a bad pull that causes a wipe - becomes the spark that allows people to be assholes to each other without feeling bad about it.' Well, I don't know if that is true, but I saw Ian was upset so my feeling is that it wasn't really a break up in the way he said. So if I do decide to play with them, I will need to be cautious about not getting too involved.

The new guild is "Terra Australis" on the Oceanic server Nagrand.

Today I bought the ret PVP shoulders. I thought that gladiator gear was a big waste for me, and these shoulders really are only a tiny upgrade. But there simply isn't any non-heroic shoulders available except for the T3 shoulders from Laj in Botanica. Then I noticed that they had two gem slots and no resilience - all the item value was put in to +stats and +spell damage. Mal has over 500 defence now (any more than 490 is a waste) so I decided to grab the epic shoulders for the increased stats, spell damage, and extra 400 armor. I think if I juggle around some gems and lose some defence, I can probably sneak in another 500 or so hit points and break 300 spell damage. I'll be pretty happy if I can make 12500 hit points unbuffed.

The only small sadface is that I just burned up all my holy dust to get nice exalted shoulder enchants for my heals, retribution and protection sets, and now I will need to do it again...

I have been getting a number of requests from people that I have been pugging with to join their guilds. The main reason that I don't want to do it is that I want to reconcile with Relic and I will feel like I am just using people if I jump ship as soon as a spot in Relic is available. When I said this, most of the people have said that is fine, they just needed a tank so they could do extra content. Well, I enjoy playing with others (because solo is so boring) and I enjoy learning more about the instances. I enjoy using line-of-sight pulls and using the environment to make the Paladin more effective.

Goals;

Eating has been so-so. I have a problem with my brother not eating the food I make. He only eats the meat. It's not my responsibility to look after him but I feel bad about it. I bought fast food twice because I didn't plan ahead far enough, once yesterday before gym (Rocking up to do my exercise while chowing down on some french fries, kind of is the wrong image to project) and another on the weekend, but that was OK because it was a party.

Saving: Well I don't know what is going on here. I spent too much this week already, but I am at a loss to say where. I am going to have to keep track of what I am spending on so I can fix it. I don't have anything to show for $x00 missing. It used to be that I would spend so much money on fast food. Well, that's not the case anymore. So where is it going? I haven't bought anything except new headphones today. The only thing I splurged out on so far was the Baneblade, and that was last year. Somehow I am letting money slip through my fingers and I need to find it and stop it or I will never save up anything.

Work: This week hasn't been so productive. Also, today I don't know. Shraga has assigned me a really strange task. He wants me to do research on a topic, but the nature of the topic is that you need security clearance to do it. So I have been given contact details for some fairly important people to talk to about it, but Shraga already said "They won't be able to tell you anything." How do I call this really important and busy person without any information on the project and no authority to ask about it? I will look like an idiot. So I didn't do it yet. Next week the expert in security gets back from her trip so I will approach her about what to do.