Sing Through Me

Starting Again

2009-10-09T21:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't written anything here for a long time. I put too much pressure on myself to try and write something meaningful or to push myself to meet some goal. Goals are important, and I do hope that sometimes I will have something meaningful to say, but I started this as a way to express myself and to get the clutter out of my head. So, that is what I'm going to do. I'm just going to write. No expectations.

43 by 43

2009-04-16T11:29:00.003-05:00

I've decided to lose 43 pounds by my 43rd birthday, which is October 28th. It's a bit of a stretch for me, but I'm determined to do it. I am going to keep myself accountable by posting a picture of myself on this blog once a month. In addition, I'll post a video every week on 12seconds.tv. That should keep me motivated! Pictures and links to come!

Hope Is Rising

2009-03-09T21:54:00.006-05:00

"Because there will be a mountain too high, a tragedy so shattering, a wound so deep that no multiples of 'I think I can' incantations will be enough to power through." This quote comes from Jason Germain's devotional for the his song "Hope is Rising."

This past fall, I went through my shattering tragedy. My husband passed away on December 5th. I have written before in this blog how difficult those weeks were. Ron's cancer had spread to his brain, which led him to become paranoid and delusional. He fell out of bed a few times trying to escape. He wouldn't let nurses give him medication. Thankfully, he would calm down when I was around. Between trying to care for Ron and then trying to care for my 6-year old son at home, I was run ragged. Thankfully, Ron spent his last few days on earth at home with me. (Ben stayed with my mom.) Two days before he died, I was blessed with a couple of hours with him where his mind was not attacked by the tumors. He died peacefully in our bedroom. Even with his last days on earth being peaceful, I was traumatized by the weeks before.

This was the mountain that was too high. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get over it. For weeks, I relived the last several painful weeks of his life. Ten wonderful years of memories of Ron were replaced with six weeks of agonizing nightmares. It's not that I didn't want to remember anything else, I literally couldn't.

Finally now, I am starting to push through the nightmare and find the good memories of the man I love. I have help. I rely on my friends, family, pastor, psychologist, and on God. I'm slowly replacing the nightmarish visions with good memories of a wonderful husband. I get down on my knees, and I hand over all the pain, guilt, anger, and fear to God. His grace envelopes me, and hope is breathing for me once again.

Some may say that relying on grace is no different than being the little engine that could. "I think I can. I think I can." For me, for many, it is very different. I'm not relying on me or my strength. It's actually just the opposite. The more I let go, the easier it gets. Relying on God's grace is what got me through those difficult weeks in the first place. Contemplating the Resurrection is what removes the pain from my chest and what gives me true hope.

In September, downhere released their latest album, Ending is Beginning. Although I had many opportunities to listen to the songs on the album before it's release, I never did. I can't really explain why.

September is also when my faith started to crumble. Small cracks became big wholes and doubt overwhelmed me. I confessed to my husband that I didn't think God really loved me. Ron hurt with me and for me. I had pre-ordered a copy of downhere's CD, Ending is Beginning. When it came to my house, I had no desire to listen to it. Ron, however, shredded the shrink wrap and poured into the liner notes. He came upon "Hope is Rising." He stopped and told me he thought the song was written for me.

"I’ve lost all my earthly optimism,
That its all going to be alright,
That the good will win this fight.
Somewhere between youth and disappointments,
The dream became despair, the love became a lie,
Just now, I’ve reached the end of my line,
Just now, I’m too tired to keep on trying,"

I had no fight left in me. I no longer believed that God loved me. The love became a lie. Jason just really nailed what was going on in my heart.

The song didn't instantly fix me, but God certainly used it to start repairing the cracks in my faith. A few key people really had an affect on me, my pastor, my friend Gina, Ron, and even Jason. I told all of them what I really felt. None of them judged me. Gina and Jason communicated with me electronically, so I still have their comments. Even now when I read them, I just break down and cry (in a good way) because their responses to me were so filled with love.

I'm glad I fell apart when I did. I had the chance to renew my relationship with God before things got really, really hard. God had pulled me out of the sand and on to solid rock. If I hadn't gone through that rebuilding time in September, I don't think I would have survived December. That sounds pretty melodramatic, but it is true.

"Hope is rising, it’s a sunrise, for the end
Hope is rising, and it’s breathing for me again."

This was my anthem during those last weeks of Ron's life. I just melt when I hear Ben sing it. I ache for everyone to hear this song. I know there are many people who will be moved by it just the way I was. I know there are people who are desperate for its message. I know God will speak to people through this song. Coincidentally (or not!), it's just been released as a single in Christian radio (AC) stations. I beg anyone who reads this to please encourage your Christian radio station to play it.

Once again from Jason's devotional:

"Not only has He given me hope for a life beyond the grave. He has given me a way to live. Grace. The most beautiful piece of poetry as ever was inspired. Where violent escalation has no hold, where addiction has chains without locks, where evil and decay are slave to the purposes of beauty. God is true Beauty. And in our created nature our greatest fulfillment in life is to enjoy Him……a way to live, the religion of Hope. Hope is not a dream it’s a miracle, not a destination it’s a journey, not a birthday but a resurrection, not an end…it’s a beginning. Where is your hope? Does your hope give you the answers your soul demands in search for the truth? Does your hope stand up under all the decay you see around you?

Look to the one who finitely returns all that has been stolen, all that has been destroyed, all random and chaotic catastrophes. Jesus. Come with your broken heart, and body. He’ll breath life into your soul. Come with your angst and failure, He’ll give you purpose and a song. Hope is Rising again."

Please...
Listen to the song (#3 in the jukebox)
Read the devotional
Call your favorite local or nationwide Christian radio station

Thank you.

You Keep Going

2009-02-12T16:51:00.005-06:00

Today, Ben and I went to White Castle for dinner. We held hands, closed our eyes, and pressed the "Other" button on our drinks. We were immediately transported to Castletopia and transformed into robots. Our food became robot sliders, robot springs, and robot oil. We spoke the very strange language of the Castletopia robots. We had a lot of fun and probably laughed a bit too loud. Oh well.

When we came home, Ben gave me a valentine that he made me at school. I cried. A lot. I really love my kid. I will keep going Ben. You betcha kiddo.

Overcoming Fear

2009-02-11T13:01:00.005-06:00

I was just reading a post by Kat called How To Overcome Fear. I've been struggling with fear quite a bit lately, so I figured maybe I'd try and put my feelings into words.

I have two fears right now that are causing me grief. The first one is my fear of being a single mom. Ron was such a good dad. We made decisions together. Ben is a really great kid, and he's a very low-maintenance kids. Still, I am afraid. Am I good enough?

The second is the fear of being alone. I am not anywhere near ready to date, but I would like to believe that when the time is right, I will meet someone. Please don't tell me that if I have a fulfilling enough life that I won't miss married life. I have no desire to grow alone by myself. Yes, I have friends and a very fulfilling social life. However, I don't spoon with my friends, and more importantly, none of them come over on Thursday nights to take out the garbage. ;-) It's OK if I get turned out of the feminist club. I'll admit it. I wants me a man! Well, not right now, but someday.

The last weeks of Ron's life were awful. I watched Ron scream in pain. I held him when he was terrified of the "enemy" coming after him. I cleaned him up when he was sick. I slept on the floor when he needed me close by. I fed him. You get the idea. Most people think you sign a DNR and then you're done. It didn't work that way for us. I made decisions that I never thought I'd have to make. "Should we discontinue his steroids?" "Should we discontinue his fluids?" "Should we stop his food?" "Should we increase his morphine?" I was the one who made all those decisions, with help of course. I wondered why the hell I was the one making these decisions. Still, I made them. I went between taking care of Ron to taking care of Ben, sometimes feeling as if I wasn't doing a good job doing either.

Every day for weeks, I did what I had to do. My friends told me that I should incredible strength. My pastors told me that in the last couple of years, they've seen me transform into a woman they had never seen--one who is confidant and strong. The thing is, I'm not really any different. I'm still the mess of a girl I've always been. However, every day of that purgatory period, I asked for God's strength. Every day I got it. Every day I had just enough strength to get through the day. Every night I collapsed exhausted. My motto became Weak Woman, Strong God. I was given everything I needed to get through that time. Every time I asked for help, I got it. Every single time.

If God was with me through all of that, He will be with me through this. He will help me to be the mom I need to be. He will put the right man in my path at the right time, if it His will. If I never gets me a man, I'll be OK. ;-) I need to trust that God will help me have the life that He wants for me. I need to let His love conquer my fear. I can do that.

Irony

2009-01-26T10:08:00.007-06:00

I got angry at Ben for misplacing his hat and mittens. He never puts them away. I have no idea where my hat and mittens are.

I found it easier to not over eat during the mid morning and afternoon when I started eating eggs and bacon for breakfast a few times a week. Protein in the morning is great, but not on the mornings I run.

I like the Karate Kid movies. My favorite is the last one with Hillary Swank. It's not necessarily Oscar material, but there are many great moments. It says a lot about strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears, and trust.

Mostly, I want to learn karate because of the strength it brings out in me. However, I really want to learn to spin and kick or spin and punch because it just looks really, really cool. Yeah, well, sue me because my motives aren't pure. I want to do something that looks cool.

"Never trust a spiritual leader who cannot dance." It's one of my favorite lines in The Next Karate Kid. People who think that God is all about anger and hatred have just got it all wrong. God is joy.

I like taking karate. It makes me feel strong and weak at the same time.

Almost anytime I do something completely stupid in karate, my sensei is looking right at me. He did miss me falling on my face when I was doing push-ups. He turned around right after though and asked what happened. I just laughed.

My sensei has pictures of himself with his dad in Peru. His dad taught him karate. What a legacy. I have nothing like that to give to Ben. It makes me wonder what legacy I will pass down to my son. I do have faith. That will be my legacy. It is Ron's too.

My other sensei is competing in a karate tournament. She is awesome! I am trying to work up the courage to volunteer for the tournament.

I get tired of hearing the same music on Christian radio, but I tend to listen to the same 5 or 6 CDs.

On Facebook, I signed up to be a fan of The White Chocolate Grill and Chipotle. The next day I became a fan of The Biggest Loser. Mmmmm. I love tacos with carnitas.

The more I cry, the stronger I feel. The more I trust the future will be OK, the less power the past has over me.

Just Breathe

2009-01-22T21:33:00.002-06:00

It's just amazing how I can get myself all worked up. It's so easy to do. Little worries become big worries, and I drive myself crazy. I am decidedly better at turning things over to God then I was years ago, but I still need a lot of improvement there.

I have just been consumed with fear the last few days. I am praying about it, but this isn't the kind of fear that I can just and pray away. I think it's a fear driven by a need to change. I just need to figure out how to change and the best way to go about doing that.

I've been told frequently that I should avoid major decisions for at least six months after Ron's death. I really get that. I am amazed at how hard it is for me to think clearly. One of the many reasons that working out is such a huge priority is that it helps me to clear my head.

I also find it difficult to get things done. Everything seems to be going in slow motion, yet at the end of the day, my to-do list is barely touched. I need to do a better job managing my time, especially when Ben is in school, and I need more realistic to-to lists. :-)

Overall though, I'm OK. I'm grieving. I'm afraid. I'm tired. I'm stressed. On the other hand, I also spend a good part of my day being hopeful and happy. I was the science center volunteer at Ben's school today. We made magic muck and then debated whether it was a solid or a liquid. The teacher warned me that the project was messy; she was right. We made a huge mess and had a really great time.

Considering all that has happened and the major transition I'm making, I'm handling it OK. I continue to pray for strength and guidance, and I get it. When things get crazy, I just need to remember to take a deep breath.

Oh, and for the record, we decided that magic muck was a liquid.

Missing Ron

2009-01-19T22:04:00.004-06:00

I miss watching Ghost Whisperer and Numbers with him.

I miss how he teased me when I got all giggly when the guy in Ghost Whisperer was shirtless.

I miss how he loved everything I cooked, even when it was awful.

I miss how he took the dogs out if they woke up in the middle of the night.

I miss running my fingers through his hair.

I miss how he complained about the curls in his hair when it got long.

I miss having someone around me who actually gets my sense of humor.

I miss how he usually stayed calm when I was going crazy.

I miss how he understood me.

I miss how he would roll his eyes when I was reading too much into something he said.

I miss how he would give me a back rub after a hard workout.

I miss his emails about the Libertarian party.

I miss watching him put his pens, comb, and wallet in his back pocket.

I miss watching him yell at the Bears and his fantasy football team.

I miss watching him cuddle with his son.

I miss dancing with him to True Colors.

I miss making love with him to the point of utter exhaustion.

I miss holding his hand.

I miss putting my head on his chest.

I miss his hand wiping away my tears.

I miss him...so much.

Sensei ni rei

2009-01-10T13:18:00.002-06:00

It bothers me that I allow my level of self-esteem to be determined by what others say and do. In theory, I should be shaped by God's opinion of me, not everyone else's. In reality, that just doesn't always work. Sometimes, I feel down because of others' negative opinion, or even just my perception of their negative opinions. On the flip side, if someone compliments me, I don't seem to allow that to raise my self-esteem much.

An exception to this happened on Friday. I just earned my orange belt in karate. It is the first belt you earn in Shotokan. I was in the women's bathroom getting ready for karate, when Ben came in. "Mr. Sanchez told me to give this to you." I was very excited to receive my belt, but truthfully, had hoped for a little more pomp and circumstance than having my 6-year old give me my belt in the bathroom. Nonetheless, I put on the belt. My demeanor changed immediately. I felt more confident.

As I started heading to class, I met up with some of the younger students in class. "Wow! You have your orange belt! That is so cool!" I talked with them about it and told them about my test. I was positively beaming at this point. When class started, everyone had to line up after me, because I am now officially the senpai, the class leader. The high belt in class is the senpai, so it's very unusual for an orange belt to be senpai. However, this program is new to our area, so everyone is just beginners. When I go to karate on Tuesday, there are many advanced belts, so I am pretty low on the totem pole.

We started class, and everyone lined up next to me. As I was about to say "Sensei ni rei" (bow to Sensei), my Sensei said it! I was bummed, and I let him know that. (Bad on my part. I tell Ben all the time how important it is to show respect to Sensei.) We had an exceptionally hard work out in karate. I hadn't been working out much in the last two months. This week, I had karate on Tuesday, ran on Wednesday, lifted weights on Thursday, and then karate again on Friday. I was starting to wonder whether or not I was going to make it through the whole class. I kept remembering my position as senpai and kept trying to do my best. Honestly, I was a little whiny and wimpy, something I need to work on. Senpai really isn't that big of a deal in my class, but I still feel as an adult and the only orange belt, that I should set an example.

As class ended, we lined up again. This time, Mr. Sanchez allowed me to call out the greeting, "Sensei ni rei." I had to stop myself from giggling. I was proud of myself. I worked hard for that belt. My classmates were proud of me. It was a good day for my self-esteem.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-01T09:39:00.006-06:00

Eat Better
Eat more fruits, veggies, and whole grains (at least 2x day of each)
Eat less junk (less sugar, one soda per day max, less fast food)

Work Out
I did a good job of this last year, but in the last month, my workouts have been sporadic at best.
Lift at least twice a week, preferably three.
Do cardio at least four times a week, preferably five.

Run Faster
Get my 5K time under 35 minutes in the short term, under 30 minutes sometime in 2009.
Get my half-marathon time under 3 hours.

Lose Weight
Lose 50 pounds. Enough said.

Declutter
I want my house back. I'm starting with the den and Ben's room.

Manage Money
I'm going to remember what my financial goals are and prioritize.

Ben Time
I need to make sure Ben and I don't get into a rut of watching TV and playing on the computer.

Beauty
I need to get comfortable with my looks. I'm not beautiful, and I never will be. I'm OK with that, but I need to get to the point where pictures of me don't send me into a major depression.

Unintended Consequences

2008-12-30T21:14:00.004-06:00

I have been spending a lot of time grieving lately. This is expected. However, I'm surprised by the amount of confusion I have been having over who I am. It's not just that I'm no longer Ron's wife. I'm also no longer his caregiver, a role I had for some time. I am a single mom. I am a single woman. I am the head of my household. What else am I?

I don't exactly need a detailed user guide for who I am right now. It's not that important. However, I have wanted to start my new life out by making good decisions. I am doing my best to do that, but I've had a couple of bad decisions really smack me upside the head lately.

Ben and I are in Montreal. I took Ben swimming in the outdoor, heated swimming pool. He was hesitant, but I convinced him to go. I made a quick decision to put Ben on my back and started to swim. Well, Ben has really grown since I last swam with him on my back. I nearly drowned in 6 feet of water. The lifeguard came in a grabbed me. Someone grabbed Ben. Ben never went under, in fact his hair never got wet, but if I wouldn't have been helped, we both would have been in a lot of trouble. I still don't know exactly what happened, except I went under and couldn't get a full stroke to swim. I got stuck and started taking in water. By time I got back inside, a few people from hotel management were there to care for me. I was extremely embarrassed. Everyone was so kind and gracious. I felt like the worst mom ever. I was hoping to help Ben be less afraid of swimming. I failed...miserably.

My other bad decision is that I did something recently in an effort to protect my heart. I told the truth. (I'm being intentionally vague here.) I took my time making this decision. I thought out what I was going to do. What I did was certainly unusual, but it was well thought out. Well, I thought it was. The truth did not set me free. Instead of protecting my heart, my efforts only ended up smashing my self-esteem to bits. Instead of feeling confident, I ended up feeling undesirable, repulsive, and even freakish. Repulsive is probably the word that's been in my head most. Obviously, I've left a few details out here, but even if I put the whole story into words, it wouldn't be clear. I was there, and I still don't know what happened. I was hoping to protect my heart. I failed...miserably.

This week, I have come to understand just how much I need grace. I've learned how stupid I can be in a quick moment. I've learned how stupid I can be even after having taken time to think things through. I will continue to strive to follow God by praying, studying His Word, and seeking His will. When I screw up, and I will screw up, I will find His grace.

Maybe I can also learn from my mistakes and make a few less of them. That certainly would be a lot less painful than this past week has been.

Grieving

2008-12-19T11:59:00.002-06:00

Now that all the services for Ron are over, real grieving has started for me. It's amazing how physical the pain can be. It feels as if my heart is quite literally breaking. Last night, I picked up Ron's jacket and just held it as if it were him. You would have thought it was a scene from a Hallmark movie.

I was prepared for how much I would hurt. I was not prepared for this identity crisis I seem to be going through. I'm now Ron's widow, a single mom, and someone who feels as if chunks of her are missing. My pastor described it this way... It's not as if marriage is like two fists joined together. Instead, it's more like to hands joined together. When one is taken away, the remaining one has all these gaps. That's the way I feel. There are big, scattered holes all over me. Most of those holes will heal with time, but probably not all of them. It's going to take time to figure out who I am without Ron.

Grieving during the Christmas season has it's challenges, but there are also many, many benefits. It's really a good time to experience the miracle of the Savior. Christmas has a way of making me feel closer to God. This is especially true this Christmas. The other thing is that Ben is now officially done with school for the year. We get to spend time together. Being with my son is healing. Ben brings out the best in me, just like his dad did. Plus, Ben and I just have a lot of fun together. We're going to spend a few days in Montreal. We'll have a lot of time together, and I'll get a much desired change of scenery.

I'm looking forward to the day when I start feeling normal again. I hope it's soon.

In Memory of Ronald James Broach

2008-12-06T07:56:00.005-06:00

Ron passed away peacefully last around 7:45pm. I had just gotten back from karate. I was sitting with him and "A Better Way" by downhere was playing in the background. I started telling him a story, and he took his last breath.

Ron and I were not perfect, but we were perfect for each other. He was very romantic. Stories of his proposal to me, of gifts he has bought me, and places he has taken me make woman sigh and men squirm. The man just knew how to make me feel special.

Ron and Ben were perfect for each other too. An uptight Ron would just melt after he spent just a few minutes with his boy. Ben has Ron's particular side, Ron's sense of humor, Ron's ability to have deep, complex, philosophical conversations. Unfortunately, Ben also has Ron's sense of rhythm. :-D

Ron's friends and family know him as an intelligent, caring, generous, dependable and incredibly witty man. Actually, witty doesn't cut it. Ron had a bizarre sense of humor, and this sense of humor helped us through the worst of times.

In Ron's own words, his legacy is his faith. He wanted to be known and remembered as a man of God. In this, I believe he has succeeded. I have no doubts that God greeted him with the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

I will miss you sweetie. I'm not sure I know how to be me without you here, but I will keep you with me. I promise to be the mother to Ben and the woman of God that you would want me to be. I love you.

Weak Woman--Strong God

2008-11-19T18:11:00.000-06:00

I had just dropped off Ben at school. I was on the tollway heading home. The minivan started to make a funny noise. Suddenly there was smoke, and I realized I had blown a tire. Thankfully, I managed to get to the shoulder without hitting anyone.

Many years ago, I knew how to change a tire, but I haven't done that in 20 years, so I didn't trust that I remembered how to do it. Plus, embarrassingly enough, I couldn't figure out where the heck my spare was. (It's underneath the car. Weird.) I went to call someone, but then quickly realized my cell phone was on my counter charging.

That was it. Any strength or sanity I had left quickly vanished. I wept. I sobbed. I just totally crumbled for several minutes. Despair and anger took over. How could this be happening now? Seriously. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN NOW??? My husband is in the hospital dying, my tire blows out, and I have no cell phone? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I had nothing left.

Suddenly, I looked up, and I saw a truck drive by with the name J.C. Germain written in big letters on the side. I immediately thought of Jesus Christ and Jason and Heather Germain. I think you all know who Jesus is, but you may not know Jason and Heather are. Jason Germain is one of the lead singers of my favorite band, downhere. Jason has shared a story during the downhere concerts about a time when he and his wife were going through financial difficulties. They were sharing an old piece of junk car with the other guys in the band. They decided to borrow their manager's car. This car was a piece of junk too. Windows were being held on by duct tape. While they were driving, one of the windows just fell down into the door. Jason's wife, Heather, sobbed. Then the police pulled them over. The police officer asked Heather if Jason was beating her. What a miserable experience for them. My heart breaks every time I hear the story. (Ron and I have been to several downhere concerts, so I've heard the story a few times.)

When I saw the truck drive by with Jason and Heather's name on it, I remembered that story, and suddenly I didn't feel so alone. I remembered who got them through their difficult time. I started listening to a song Jason wrote--Great Are You. I immediately started to calm down. I prayed. I called to J.C. :-) It was nothing fancy. I just handed over the situation to God and asked Him to handle it. As I finished my prayer, I saw a road construction truck drive by and slow down. A couple of workers got out to put up some construction signs. I asked one of them to call someone for me. He was happy to help.

I got back in the car and listened to a few more downhere songs. The pain didn't go away, but I was so comforted, so held. Soon, a tollway truck stopped by. The nice man put on my spare, and I was on my way.

My motto as of late is "Weak woman; strong God." The last few days have been so, so hard. I won't and I can't pretend that the pain and despair isn't overwhelming. It is. I am hurting more than I ever have. Still, I am being cared for by God and by all of you. It's nothing short of amazing, truly amazing.

Mark Schultz Songbook Blanket

2008-10-04T16:48:00.005-05:00

The Voice of Truth

2008-10-02T19:49:00.003-05:00

I think I have figured out what has been going on in my head. I have been wondering if God is angry with me. I've been worried that I have ignored His attempts at correcting me. On the other hand, maybe I'm being deceived and these doubts are being used as an attempt to separate me from God. Despite my confusion, I know tonight that I cannot be separated from God. I will continue to ask for His love, beg for His mercy, and accept His redemption. I will pray for discernment.

I'm sitting in the surgery waiting room while I type this. Ron's surgery has gone well, but his lungs have taken quite a beating. Only one lung was working, and it wasn't working very well. The tumors were crushing his windpipe. The doctor is hopeful that this will give Ron some relief.

It's been a long, hard fight, and Ron, Ben, and I are battle fatigued. My baby boy is strong, but he sees what his daddy is going through, and he is scared. We do what we can to comfort him, but he still hurts. He gets a lot of comfort from music. He often goes to bed with his Mark Schultz songbook. (We actually got a picture of Ben asleep using the songbook as a blanket. We printed a big copy of the picture and had Mark sign it. We have one for us and one for Ben. Mark personalized both for us. Plus, we gave Mark a copy. He seemed to really enjoy it.) Ben also really enjoys singing Chris Tomlin music. I wasn't a big Chris Tomlin fan previously, but Ben has really influenced me and we sing Chris Tomlin tunes pretty frequently. Ben was super excited to see Jason Gray in concert. Ben really loves Sing Through Me and New Way to Live. He lost his tooth on the way to the concert and he got to show Jason the bloody spot where his tooth was. How cool for both of them. :-) Ben's favorite song from the new Downhere album seems to be Coming Back Home. Something about hearing my little boy sing "You won't fail me. You won't let me down..." makes me cry, yet is so very comforting.

I'm so thankful we've had the last 2.5 years with Ron. The doctors originally thought he'd only live for six months to a year. Still, it's been such a hard fight. In the last week, we've been to four different hospitals. I'm just so very tired. Sometimes it gets hard to think clearly. I'm still hurting and frightenend, but I will pray for discernment and fight anything and anyone who tries to separate me from my God.

Thanks to all of you who love us and pray for us. We are so grateful.

Mark Lee's Summer Reading Program

2008-10-01T21:24:00.004-05:00

I joined in on Mark Lee's summer reading program a few months ago. I'm extremely happy with how this turned out. It was just the motivation I needed to pry myself away from the computer and the TV and get my nose into a book. My husband spent more than 30 days in three different hospitals over the summer, and I might have gone a bit nutso if I didn't have this diversion, so I am grateful to Mark for doing this. Well, I still went a bit nutso, but that's OK. ;-) Mark is giving out prizes, so I have been trying to figure out why I deserve a prize. Hmm. Most organized reading list? Person who read the most books while sitting on really uncomfortable chairs? Actually, Mark has already given me two prizes. The reading club was a real blessing to me. I'm so glad I participated. Plus, the new Third Day CD is awesome, so I have enough prizes. I think I owe Mark a prize instead. So Mark, if you read this, what do YOU want for YOUR prize?

Non-Fiction

My non-fiction books focused on fitness. Fitness is practically an obsession of mine now, as I've not been fit for a long time. After losing a chunk of weight and getting my life back, I'm even more driven to be healthy. I'm amazed at what eating better and exercising have done to make me happy. Exercising is my best stress buster, and this has been one heck of a stressful summer.

Body for Life for Women, Dr. Pamela Peeke
I first read this awhile ago, but I've re-read the whole book several times now. This is the book that changed me from a morbidly-obese coach potato to a woman whose lost over 50 lbs and on a typical week walks, runs, boxes, and lifts weights. It's not a big secret, to lose weight you need to eat less and move more. This book gave me the tools to do that. I have a much better understanding of how I think, what motivates me, and how to change my negative habits. This may seem melodramatic, but this book has given me a complete physical rebirth. I am so thankful.

Marathon: You Can Do It, Jeff Galloway
Jeff Galloway teaches people, even people like me, how to run a marathon. The book is easy to read. It doesn't use a lot of hard-to-understand jargon. The basic philosophy is to use walk breaks when you run long distances. I never would have even tried to run long distances, but Jeremy Thiessen (from the band downhere) introduced me to the Galloway method. Even though I'm 60 pounds overweight, I was able to run my first half-marathon a couple of weeks ago. In addition, I'm hoping to complete a marathon this fall. This is a good book for anyone attempting to run a marathon. It has a lot of good information.

Margins: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives, Richard A. Swenson
I read this first a couple of years ago. I'm re-reading it though because I need to hear these lessons again. This book teaches us to live with margins. It gives practical advice for living with less and being happier.

Runner's World Complete Book of Beginning Running, Amby Burfoot
I should have read this book back in February, when I started running. How helpful it would have been. This is a well-written, well-organized book that not only teaches you running basics, it really helps you stay motivated when you first start a running program. I think it's a great book for someone who is just starting to run, as well as for a person who is still a novice runner, like me. In addition, it has information for walkers who want to make the transition to running.

Fiction

All the fiction books I read ended up being in the "Christian fiction" genre. I didn't plan this, but it just happened. At first, I was going to do some heavy reading and re-read books like Hugo's Les Miserables. However, I was already taxing my brain with doing a lot of heavy-duty medical reading about cancer drug trials. I didn't want reading to be another chore. I just wanted to get lost in stories.

Almost Friends: A Harmony Novel, Phillip Gulley
Almost Friends is a light and quick read. It's not filled with a lot of action or glorious prose, but it's just a thoroughly enjoyable story. The main character, Sam, is a pastor who is somewhat disillusioned with his church. The book follows Sam's story as he is challenged to be the pastor he has been called to be. There are characters in here who remind me of some of the people in my hometown church. Consequently, I laughed out loud as the frustrated pastor tried to deal with some very annoying people. It's a good, fun story to read with a great reminder of love and tolerance.

A Change of Heart, Phillip Gulley
Another book with Sam and his congregation. Light reading, yet thought-provoking. Again, I laughed out loud while reading this book. This book did a good job of making me look at my own heart, my own convictions, and my motivations.

Levi's Will, W. Dale Cramer
Levi's Will follows Will Mullet as he leaves his Amish community as a boy, grows up, goes to war, and has children of his own. The story shows Will struggling to heal the relationship he has with his father, as well as to heal the relationship he has with his son. You can feel Will's pain as he struggles for forgiveness, and you can feel the peace he gains when he starts to truly understand God's love for him. I could not put this book down, and I was so very moved by the essence of God's love, which is so well described in this story.

Thr3e, Ted Dekker
Kevin, a 28-year old seminary student, is pursued by a psychotic man named Slater. Slater threatens to bomb different places if Kevin does not solve a series of riddles and "confess his sins." Kevin cannot understand how Slater knows so much about Kevin's past. Kevin's friend Samantha, and FBI agent Jennifer fight for Kevin's life. This really was a great page-turner. I enjoyed it and do recommend it. However, I have some issues with the way the story ended. There were some things that just didn't make sense. I don't want to give anything away, so I'll just warn that you might be slightly disappointed with the ending of the book. Still, I am definitely going to read more of Ted Dekker's books.

Grace in Thine Eyes, Liz Curtis Higgs
This is another book I just couldn't put down. Davina is a 17-year old girl living in Scottland in the 1800's. Up until now, she has had her brothers protecting her from everything and everyone. When she goes away to visit her cousins, several awful things happen to her. This book is not for young kids. Several adult issues are dealt with in this book. The biggest reason that this book appealed to me is that I kept thinking that what was happening to Davina just wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Where was God for Davina? I guess it made me reflect on how I've really been feeling about my own situation lately. I could feel Davina's sadness in my heart, and I was inspired by her courage, her persistence, and her grace. I will read every book in this series.

Found, Karen Kingsbury
This book is another book in a series. I never seem to pick up the first book in the series of any author I read. That's no problem here though. Dayne Matthews, Hollywood superstar, finds his biological family, his one true love, and his faith. However, all three are threatened by mistakes that he has made and other circumstances that are out of his control. It is a good story of persistence and trust. I will read the other books in this series too.

Monday Musings--More Than You Wanted to Know

2008-09-29T11:53:00.004-05:00

Just some random thoughts... Some silly... Some serious... A few a bit personal...

I cannot watch The Biggest Loser without crying. I can so relate to their stories.

We went to the Jason Gray/Rush of Fools/Big Daddy Weave concert last Friday. Ben lost his tooth in the car on the way to the concert. In the middle of the concert, he started crying because he's afraid that Daddy is going to die. It was an emotional time for all of us. Still, it was great to go. The music was incredible and the message was very relevant.

We saw downhere last Wednesday. The band was awesome. The audience was awful. Most people were gracious, but a few were really, really rude.

I think downhere's "Hope is Rising" would make a great marching band song. There's lots going on in the song. Plus, I think right after Jeremy's drumroll is the place to have the band turn, face the audience, lift those horns and bring it home. Sigh.

I was arranging "Hope is Rising" as a marching band song while I was in the car. I missed my turn home. Hmmm. Maybe that's because I have no idea how to arrange music.

I like intertwining "Manic Monday" by the Bengals with downhere's "Bleed for This Love." It's a funky little duet I do with Marc.

Marc: Out of solid rock, I made a river.
Lori: Six o'clock already I was just in the middle of a dream.
Marc: To a desert drought, I brought the rain.
Lori: I was kissing Valentino by a crystal-blue Italian stream.

I think Marc would be a lot of fun to sing and dance with. I don't sing all that well, and I definitely don't dance, but if I had to pick someone to sing and dance with, it would be him. Well, except, you know, I'd be way to shy to actually ever sing or dance in front of Marc.

OK, actually, the person I most want to sing and dance with is Ben, but Marc comes in 2nd.

What about Ron? Well, Ron's not a singing and dancing kind of guy, but he'll slow dance with me on occasion.

I may end up dancing with Ron on Saturday. We're going to his 20-year high school reunion. Yes, I'm a cradle-robber. Actually, I'm only 4 years older than Ron. This is the year for my 20-year college reunion. We're not going to my reunion.

I bought a little black dress for the reunion. I have never owned a little black dress. Although I'm still pretty chunky, it's actually a flattering dress, despite being little. Let's hope I don't hyperventilate when I wear it in public.

I was at Target and found a cute pink polka-dot bra at a nice price. When I checked out, I purposely chose the 50-something female cashier. You know what happens next. The teenage guy opens the register next to me and waves me over. When he picked up the pink bra and stumbled for the tag, my face suddenly was the same color as the bra. There was no real reason for me to be embarrassed, but I was anyway.

That reminds me of an embarrassing check out from years ago. I bought an ovulation prediction device. It's basically a big box that screams I'm going to have sex with my husband and try to make a baby. The teenage boy ringing me up pointed out that it was $20 off with my frequent shopper card. I didn't have my card. He swiped his. The marketing people had to have been scratching their heads over a teenage boy buying something like that.

For the record, the embarrassment was worth it. The kit worked. Now we have Ben. :-)

I'm thinking that's more than anyone ever wanted to know about me, so I'll stop here.

Too many emotions

2008-09-26T13:07:00.003-05:00

I struggle today with emotions that have just come flooding through since I admitted to myself (and you) the doubts I have. It started Sunday night/Monday morning when Ron woke up at about 3am and was disoriented. He started to feed the dogs. His disorientation may have been caused by medication, or it may have been caused by cancer progressing to his brain. We just don't know. I just lost it. I couldn't sleep after that.

I remember when my grandmother was dying. The last time I saw her, I was about 11, she pleaded with me to get a gun and kill her. I remember hugging my dad for the last time when I was 5. He died in the hospital, so I didn't see him struggle. I was 26 when my step-father died. He died at home. I wasn't living there, but I cam home when I could to help my mom. I am the one who walked into his room and discovered that he had died. He was 6'2". He weighed about 80lbs when he died. I remember his agony.

I understand that death is a part of life. I understand that everyone goes through sorrow and despair. However, I am still afraid. Is God punishing me? Is He disciplining me? Am I surrounding myself with love to the extent that I'm ignoring His message to me?

At about 4:30am, Monday morning, I removed my Facebook account and downhere account. I didn't mean to do anything so melodramatic. I didn't realize my posts on the downhere board would change, and I didn't think anyone would notice the Facebook thing. I just didn't want to be influenced by outside thoughts. Plus, I knew my doubts and bitterness were about to come spewing out. I didn't want to risk my posting something stupid on the downhere boards, especially with a new album coming out for them and the potential for a lot of new people to join the boards. I figured limiting my outbursts to my own blog was prudent.

The kind of funny thing about all of this is that I picked the worst week to try and remove Christian music from my life. Jason Gray just released his new album. Downhere's album came out Tuesday. We had plans to see Downhere in Decatur on Wednesday and Jason Gray tonight. Skipping Jason's concert isn't an option. It's just a few minutes away, and we promised Ben. I had planned on skipping the Downhere concert. We weren't taking Ben since it was 3 hours away and on a school night. However, Ron wanted to go, so we did.

I did enjoy the Downhere concert. There is no way to listen to their music and not feel closer to God. It's just impossible for me to do. I felt bad for the guys though. It was a rough crowd. It was mainly a youth group event, and a lot of the kids were just really, really rude. So many people were moved by the music, but a few jerks made it difficult for everyone else to enjoy themselves. I found out after the show that one kid heckled Jason the entire show. Wow.

I really enjoyed seeing everyone after the show, but felt guilty as I knew I was holding back a big secret. What was I supposed to say? "Great show. Great new album. I'm not sure I believe the Gospel anymore. Have a good evening. Drive safely." Doesn't quite work, does it?

So, today, I'm not isolating myself as much as I had planned. I've listened to Ending is Beginning a lot. Although I have had plenty of opportunity to listen to the album, I had never heard Hope is Rising until Tuesday night. Ron was reading the lyrics on the album and told me that there was a song that I really needed to hear. Wow. I am so blown away by how Jason so eloquently writes what is on my heart. I've joked about this before. I think I deserve a writing credit!!! ;-) Seriously though, how appropriate is this song...

"I've lost all my earthly optimism
That it's going to be alright
That the good will win this fight....

The dream became despair
The love became a lie

Just now, I've reached the end of my line
Just now, I'm too tired to keep on trying"

I'm amazed at how precisely Jason has captured my despair. It's nothing short of amazing.

Now, I suppose, all I need to do is find the hope.

Is The Gospel True?

2008-09-23T21:57:00.002-05:00

That's the question that goes through my head today. Is it true? Is the love for real? I just don't know. Is it all just a big lie? I can't pretend anymore. I can't put on a big "C" on my chest and play Christian cheerleader. Everything is not OK. It's not going to be OK. I'm too tired for the facade. The doubts have just come crashing though. My grandfather died when my mother was 6. My dad died when I was 5. My son is 5 and... My pastor says this is merely a coincidence. I call it some kind of curse.

I think about the Old Testament. I see the suffering. I see the anger and punishment that God displays. How can I believe in both the Old Testament and the New Testament? How can God be the God of both? If God is angry at me, how will I know if I declare with blind optimism declare that He loves me? Maybe He is trying to discipline me, but I have been defiantly putting my fingers in my ears while singing my nice Christian songs.

God is good. I am not. Is there grace? Is there hope? I don't know. If there is, I can't find it.

Does God Love Me? Not So Much

2008-09-22T08:47:00.003-05:00

It was a rough night. I didn't get much sleep. This morning, I have been thinking about whether God loves me. My answer? No. If He does, He is awfully angry with me. I can't pretend anymore. I can't ignore the pain in my heart that tells me that He abandoned me some time ago. So, I'm shutting down some of the outside world. No more church. No more CCM. No more Facebook, Twitter, downhere boards, etc. Just me, God, and the Bible. We'll see if He has any mercy or grace for me. I doubt it. I think there just comes a time where a person is too blanketed by sin to be redeemed. God has shut the door on me.

BFLFW--Principle 3: Joy Yourself

2008-09-18T21:38:00.007-05:00

Leave it to me to take weeks to figure out how to post about joy. You can see this is a problem for me. Actually, it's something my husband and I have talked about quite frequently lately. What gives us joy? What makes us happy? Honestly, that's been hard to answer lately.

I think one of the phases you go through when facing terminal illness is a time where you just shut off your feelings to everything. Ron was told he was terminally ill when he was first diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, he's survived longer than anyone thought possible. However, it's also meant we've had to deal with the ups and downs of this for 2.5 years. This summer, Ron was in the hospital for approximately 30 days. It got to the point that I didn't know if he would survive or not. I think after being overwhelmed by fear, sadness, anger, biterness, etc., everything just shut down.

I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I think it gives my mind and body a break from all the drama. However, it does make joy elusive. What gives me joy? Not much.

I haven't completely turned into a robot though, so a few things have snuck into my heart and allowed me to feel something. KLOVE played the song "Here I Am" by my favorite band, downhere. Then, Jon Rivers announced that the guys were going to perform a few songs on KLOVE on September 23rd--the day their new album comes out. That news made me break down and cry. I had sent a message to Jon Rivers about downhere. I prayed that they would be on KLOVE, and now they are. Plus, their song is one of Jon Rivers "future favorites" on 20 The Countdown Magazine. I'm just thrilled.

Also on the music scene, Jason Gray's new album is out. I just downloaded it today and haven't listened to it yet, but I love New Way to Live. It's such a great song and so powerful for me. I've waited for a long time for this song to be released. I'm very thrilled to finally have it.

I've also been spending time running. I love to run. I really love to cross finish lines, so I race. I really enjoy weightlifting. I don't know why, but I do. I now have awesome biceps and triceps. (The bottom part of my arm is still flabby, but I'm getting better.) Sometimes lately, running and lifting seem more like chores instead of joy, but I'm still doing them. They are both good activities for my physical and emotional health, so I'm going to keep doing them even when I don't really feel like it. I don't debate about whether or not I'm going to bathe or brush my teeth. I no longer debate about exercising. I just do it. I'll talk more about that next week.

Spending time with friends is also such a joyful activity, but something I've not made the time to do lately. My friends can turn my mood around so easily. Why do I not do a better job to make time for them?

Simple things like reading a book or magazine, having a small piece of chocolate, singing with the radio in the car, petting my dogs, etc. Things things also bring me joy.

My son has been doing imitiations of cartoon characters lately. He's actually pretty good. Sometimes he has Ron and I falling about ourselves laughing. For 5 years old, the boy has an incredibly sense of humor. Ben brings me a lot of joy.

My husband brings me joy. A few days ago we celebrated our 8th anniversary. We had a real date. We went to a fancy restaurant and saw a musical. It was a very romantic evening. I just loved being with him. Sometimes it's difficult to let my husband bring me joy. It's easy for my heart to start closing off to him. It's easy to push him away. I honestly cannot fathom losing him, but something deep inside me is just so afraid. That's why it's hard to let myself experience joy from him. It's difficult to stay so vulnerable. Sometimes it's easier to harden my heart and shut off the love I have for him. It just doesn't work though. I love him too much, and that love just can't be shut out. It just comes gushing through. When that love comes through, sometimes the other emotions find me too. That's alright. I'll deal with each one as it comes.

So, what does joy have to do with weight loss? Well, I think when you have real joy in your life, you don't need to keep trying to make yourself happy with temporary pleasures, such as eating junk food. Having real joy in your life doesn't guarantee perfect eating. If it did, there'd only be one principle in this program and the book would be really short. :-) Finding what gives you joy just helps you understand you better, and that is really what this is all about.

Next week, and I do mean next week, I'm going to write about Getting the Job Done.

BFLFW--Principle 2: Find Your Motivational Bulls-Eye

2008-08-28T21:16:00.010-05:00

Principle 2 in the book deals with finding what really motivates you. It makes you dig deep and figure out why you want to lose weight and what is going help you fight the 4pm fight against the Oreo cookies.

Dr. Peeke suggests that you start with your Global Motivations. These are your general reasons for wanting to get fit. These generally fall into categories such as health, appearance, psychology, performancy, and relationships.

My Global Motivations have pretty much stayed the same since I started this program:

To be healthy and prevent disease
To look good in clothes

To have more energy

This is a great foundation, but it's generally not enough to get you through the tough parts of your day. What you need to do next is to figure out why you want to change. This next level is the Target Motivations. You need to dig deep for these, and they should be personal. Here are mine from the first time I went through the exercise:

I am tired of the pain.
I am tired of being tired all the time.
I am sick of frumpy clothes.

The next step is to identify each Target Motivation and put a run to/from mantra for each one. OK. I admit it. This seemed way too weird for me at first. Still, I did it. You know what? It worked. It really worked. This is the step that made the absolute biggest difference in my life. This is what gave me the ammuntition to fight the 9pm munchies. This what gave me the power to get back into the gym. Here are my latest motivations and mantras.

FIRST RING
Motivation:
To honor God in what I do.

Mantra:
Run from the limited power of myself; run to the limitlessness of God.

SECOND RING
Motivation:
To love and honor myself.

Mantra:
Stop neglecting my body, my spirit, and my mind. Understand that I deserve to be healthy and that I do have the discipline to truly take care of myself.

THIRD RING
Motivation:
To be a great wife and a great mom.

Mantra:
Stop abandoning Ron and Ben; run to loving them. Ron needs a wife who can stand with him and FIGHT. Ben needs a mom to help him grow to be healthy He needs a mom who has the energy to run, jump, and play.

FOURTH RING
Motivation:
Look good in jeans, a belt, and a tucked-in button–down white shirt
Look good in running clothes

Mantra:
Run from frumpy, dumpy big shirts; run to fitted white shirt
Run from oversized t-shirts

FIFTH RING
Motivation:
Run a marathon.
Run a 34-minute 5K

Mantra:
Run from being an invalid; run to being an athlete

Remember, these motivations are personal. What is it that you really, really want? Even if it seems goofy, try doing this exercise. Don't just think the answers. Write them down. Look at them from time to time. I hope this principle is as helpful to you as it was to me.

BFLFW--Principle 1: Embrace Adversity

2008-08-21T18:21:00.001-05:00

This is the second post of the series "Body for Life for Women" by Dr. Pamela Peeke. If you want to catch up, you can read the first post in the series, but it doesn't really say much.

Principle 1 in the book is Embrace Adversity. You are going to change your life over the next twelve weeks. There are going to be obstacles, and you are going to overcome them. Dr. Peeke explains it better than I can. "Anticipate that there will be obstacles in your path. Then, when you meet up with them--and it's not a matter of if, but when--you'll greet them as opportunities to sharpen your skills at keeping your self-care on track. Instead of getting frustrated by those obstacles, embrace them. Remember that in the midst of difficulty lies opportunity. Identify the opportunity to allow adversity to make you a stronger, wiser woman. " The rest of the principles will give you the tools to do this.

The first principle in the book asks you to sign a contract with yourself. This contract basically says that for the next twelve weeks, you are make your physical well-being a priority. It doesn't mean that for the next twelve weeks, you are going to obsess about everything you eat and exercise like a mad woman. For the next twelve weeks, you are going to focus on getting healthier.

The first time I did this, I used the exact contract from Dr. Peeke's book. Every twelve weeks since then, I've tweeked it a bit. My latest contract was short and sweet and didn't say much at all. I think it's because I was really tired of fighting this seemingly unending plateau. For almost three months, my weight stayed about the same. It was frustrating for me, because I was exercising a lot. However, I wasn't doing as well with eating. For me, I needed to just get back to the basics--eat less junk and move more. My latest contract reflects my simple needs. Honestly, though, my last contract didn't work well at all. It had a lot of measurable goals, including how many fruits and veggies I'd eat, how much weight I'd lose, etc. I generally like measurable goals. In this case, however, it just didn't address what I really needed to work on, which is my attitude. So, I'm returning to my roots. I'm skipping over the measureable goals and going back to working on my attitude.

Date: August 22, 2008I, Lori S. Broach, commit to starting my Body-For-Life for Women on Friday, August 22, 2008, completing this 12-week weight removal segment on November 14, 2008.

I believe that I can accept and complete my challenge to the best of my ability. I realize this is work and accept the self-care price I must pay to achieve my mental and physical transformation.

I will continue to:

practice the 10 Power-Mind principles to help me stay the course
pursuing progress, not perfection, in my eating and training
take my mini-chills and strive to become a master regrouper
be self-assertive and fight for the right to take care of myself

I will work harder at:

not ruminating, bitching, moaning, whining
keeping my daily Mind-Mouth-Muscle journal
expect and adapt to adversity and embrace tough times as learning opportunities
eating at least two veggies and two fruits daily
finding joy to neutralize my stress
acknowledging and rewarding myself for my achievements along the way

By completing the Challenge, I signify honor and respect for myself, and affirm that I deserve health, happiness, and joy.

What is the right contract for you? I don't know. Write what moves you. Write what you want from the next twelve weeks. My contract reminds me to continue doing the steps that I do well, while challenging me to work harder on things I'm struggling to do.

Next week, I'll post on Principle 2: Find Your Motivational "Bull's-Eye." It's a very powerful principle.

Fitness Friday--The Inaugural Post

2008-08-08T13:42:00.002-05:00

Starting today, I'm going to post about fitness on Fridays. Fitness is a big deal for me these days, and I want to share my journey.

The next several Fridays, I am going to write about the book Body for Life for Women. I've lost 55 pounds because of following this book. It's helped me transform the way I think about losing weight.

The book has 10 principles. I'm going to dedicate one Friday to each principle.

Next week, I'll start with principle 1. If you are on a quest for fitness, please join me.