the next chapter

Hurricane? Really?

2008-08-19T00:04:00.000-04:00

I'm never ever up this late, but this sickness has done a number on my sleeping hours. Sunday I bucked up and went to the doctor. Well, the walk-in. The Little Clinic in Publix takes my insurance so I made a visit and he said it was a bad sinus infection and gave me heavy duty antibiotics and heavy-duty anti-inflammatories for my throat. I'm feeling better, but not in the areas that the pills should be helping. Throat still pretty painful, nose still pretty clogged, and stomach problems that go down and thankfully not up. It's not pretty. I'm almost convinced that whatever's wrong with me has skipped Spencer, but I've been pretty vigilant about my handwashing and sanitizing. I can't not take care of him. When I was at my worst over the weekend Christen took over all of the caregiving and they were both pretty cranky by 5pm Sunday. I was awake for no more than 5 hours total of Saturday, and I wasn't particularly coherent in those hours, and Sunday I was scared to do anything but lay on the couch in misery. I worked for 2 hours today and then came home to rest some more and I really think it helped. I didn't do anything, but maybe that's what I needed.

Tomorrow the building's closed for the hurricane, so I'm off again. The wind is picking up, because I can hear it in the chimney. I thought it was the dog -- her stomach's been making some weird noises lately; I'm thinking of taking her to the vet. But now that I'm out on the couch I can hear the moaning in the attic and we're due for some decent rain.

I'm not worried about the storm though. I guess you can tell a true Florida native when you don't realize there's a storm until someone asks if your building is going to be open. Why on earth would the close? Turns out we're in a mandatory evac zone. Oops! I really didn't realize it was scheduled to hit so close to here until today, and I went to Target and all the water was gone except Aquafina ... so I bought some Lemonade and Gatorade and some chips. I'm wondering if I can go out between bands of rain to Bed Bath and Beyond and get my curtains so I can put those up as long as I'm stuck at home. I won't, of course, because I won't take Spencer out in the rain like that. But I can dream. In the meantime, I went out tonight and picked up grape tomatoes and garlic and the makings for cherry pie, so tomorrow I'm going to make slow-roasted tomatoes and cherry pie, as long as the power stays on. When we were moving in, there were a lot of brown-outs, but the power hasn't gone out since we moved in so I'm not sure how things go over here.

Spencer just made a yelp -- I wonder if he does that a lot anymore. We gave up on the monitor when we moved in, because sound carries with the wood floors anyhow, and we were getting up far too often. He sleeps like a dream now (no pun, really) but I can sleep through anything so I often wonder if he wakes very much. (Whoever said, and there were several who did, that I'd wake up at the drop of a pin in his room the moment he was born really didn't know my sleeping habits very well.) But he has his Bambi and his light-up teddy bear and that seems to make him happy.

Anyhow, I'm just rambling because I have nothing better to do. Autumn got me started on re-reading Beach Music, and I'm about halfway through (I read some of it to Spencer and he was surprisingly receptive) but it's so aching beautiful that I feel like crying with every word so I'm slowing down my pace before I stay up all night reading it. Next will probably be Prince of Tides, and then I'll be saddened because I know of no other two books that make me bleed with sadness with every slice of the page.

Sick

2008-08-16T19:03:00.000-04:00

Some days it feels like I just can't win. I had pink eye last week. All week I felt like gouging my eye out. I rotated 3 different kinds of eye drops. Nothing really helped. So my eye is finally better (still crusts shut, but doesn't hurt anymore) and I'm freaking sick as a dog! Thursday I started getting a little run down. Friday my throat swelled up, and by the time I finished work I felt like I was going to fall down. I called my mom to make sure I could get all the way home without falling asleep. I figured driving with the phone was better than driving while sleeping.

By Friday night I had a 102 fever. I had the house at 82 and I was still freezing. I read part of Beach Music to Spencer (he liked it), and Christen brought me home some Chickfila soup and Nyquil.

I've been on Nyquil ever since. I count down until I can take some more. I still have a fever. I feel like death. We went to Linens and Things to get out of the house and I had to go to the car because it was so freaking freezing in there.

When will I start feeling better?

La casa de la pink eye

2008-08-14T17:08:00.001-04:00

So I have pink eye. Sunday my eye started getting a little itchy, but I didn't really worry about it because we had been working on cleaning the office up, and I have pretty bad allergies so I figured it was just related to that. Then Christen's eye swelled up, and his manager at work decided he had pink eye and sent him home on Monday. By then mine was itching a little more, so I went to the Little Clinic and got checked out and they agreed that I had pink eye and prescribed some eye drops. Tuesday was bad, Wednesday was a little better. Today is terrible. It's the worst day ever. I tried making a patch for my eye out of tissue and scotch tape, but I think I've decided to go to my regular doctor and see if anything else can be done. I've been vigilant about my hand washing and have gone through 1/2 a bottle of hand sanitizer so as to make sure that Spencer doesn't get it, but I've never wanted to gouge my eye out more than I have this week. And I get pretty hefty allergies.

The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure Christen didn't have pink eye. His eye was swollen for a day or so, but it never got red or itchy. I don't know what it was, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't pink eye. And he's over it.

I took some adorable pictures of Spencer last night. I was going to take him to a photographer for his 6 months, but the pictures I took last night were so damn cute that I might just get some backdrops and take them myself. I have very good camera equipment; the only thing I don't have is good lighting. The ones I took yesterday were outside, so I might get cloth backdrops and attach them outside to the patio ... hmmm, possibilities ...

Anyhow, they can't get me in today to see the doctor so I'm going to go ahead and go crazy. See you shortly!

Gibberish

2008-08-11T14:57:00.000-04:00

I wrote a post from work last week, but when I emailed it to myself it didn't transmit and came out as spam. Imagine, me sending myself spam! It got mixed in with the other 63 emails I had received in my spam box in the previous 8 hours ... arg! This is all attributed to that stupid Free Diapers thing that I filled out months ago. I'm never going to be free of that dern thing.

Anyhow, I'm sure all I wrote was a bunch of fluff. I've retained part:

Love songs. PW had a contest on her site last week where she asked, "What's you favorite love song?" That's such a hard question! There are songs that mean different things to me. "Angel" by Aerosmith, tugs at my heart and reminds me of high school, an illicit make-out session on my couch. Every time it plays I think of that (and it plays a lot on those oldies stations). "Do You Remember" by Jack Johnson makes me think of Shelley (and we all know my fascination with JJ -- it's also on a lot). Any love song by certain artists makes me think of people that were in my life with fondness. So I decided to submit the first song that Christen and I danced to at my wedding. But then I couldn't quite remember! Geez, it's only been a little over a year and I can't remember what we danced to? I know good ole Louie Armstrong was there. And Ella, dear Ella. I'm pretty sure it was "Our Love is Here to Stay". And I'm also pretty sure that my deejay did not have the version that we wanted, so we went with an extended version of Louie's. Can anyone that was at my wedding confirm this so I don't feel like I'm going nuts? I do know that "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones was our last dance. I know that. Christen wanted "One for the Road" by Frank Sinatra but we didn't get it, so I got to pick.

I also wrote about how I got to meet Becky on Tuesday and how much fun we had -- so glad I got to meet her!! She has a lot of the same mannerisms as Autumn, and a couple days later Christen and I were hanging out and out of the blue he says, "Your friend Becky is just likst Autumn" .... hahah, and I hadn't said a thing about thinking the same thing! It's totally a compliment; Christen really likes Autumn.

Anyhow, I took Friday off work because I wasn't feeling good and I hate to waste that kind of time, so I spent the day painting both my bathrooms. They look awesome! I'm so excited. I did both in the same color, a dark taupe/light brown, and I did the guest bathroom in blue and brown accents, and the master bathroom in wine/tan accents. Beautiful! I'll take pictures this week. We also put up my shelves again in the library, this time with concrete anchors so my antique books don't fall again, and got started on clearing the floor. Saturday morning my mom came over and helped Christen get a bunch of stuff to the dump so I can now park in the garage! Hooray! We also went to see Dark Knight Sunday afternoon, and I was pleasantly surprised. Usually a movie doesn't live up to the hype, but I wasn't disappointed which is a rarity. We came home and I made chicken tacos and a blueberry pie. Yum!

Note to self: Leave the back door open.

2008-08-06T17:15:00.003-04:00

So I met Don today, who lives four doors down. Don, the locksmith. Nice to meet you Don, the locksmith. Pardon my crying, but can you unlock my door for me so I can get back to my 6-month-old?

I know better than to close the sliding glass door behind me when I take the dog out for her afternoon pee. I had no sooner felt the click when I realized my mistake and tried to open it. However, the stupid lock fell right with the click, and I was fashionably locked out. Of my house. No keys, no phone, baby in the crib (okay, that was the right thing to do -- I had just laid him down for his nap; he wasn't asleep but he was quietly meandering around his crib while deciding to sleep or not). I went to the neighbors that I do know, borrowed the phone. But Christen's cell is broken and we are in the middle of deciding about new service, and I don't know his work number by heart. So I called his parents. Do you have a key to my house. Nope.

Thankfully, my neighbor is a locksmith. I think I even like that better than having a cop there.

Woohoo for babies on the same side of the door as me.

And air conditioning.

Hmmm...

2008-07-22T15:53:00.001-04:00

I’m wearing cream-colored trouser socks today. I feel old. Age is creeping up on me like a trouser sock, sagging down my leg as the day goes on. I know I’m not as old as some of my friends but I still feel it, some days more than others. I don’t usually wear stockings, but my pasty feet looked so silly in loafers this morning and I didn’t feel like wearing strappy shoes because my heels are feeling the effects of the hot summer.

I think Spencer is getting used to his sleep schedule a little better. After a discussion with a friend who has a little girl a few months older, I think I’m not feeding him enough and maybe that’s why he’s been cranky lately. He usually eats about 24 oz of formula where he used to eat about 32 oz, and he eats once a day about ½ a baby food container w/ a couple tbs of rice cereal. Today we started feeding him in the morning too, so he’ll be getting more, and I think I’m going to at least up his feeding to a whole container for dinner. Workin’ it out :) He’s still not getting better about going to bed, but it’s almost like he gets frustrated trying to find a comfortable spot on the bed, because last night he cried for 45 minutes and I went in there and he was on his tummy so angry, and I popped his pacifier in and he fell right asleep. I want to put him to bed on his tummy so that he already has a comfortable place and maybe he can go to sleep easier, but then I’m worried because they (the formidable “they”) say never to lay babies down on their stomachs and to let them turn over instead. Why? What’s the big deal?

The thunder is taking over here. I sit next a wall of windows at work and whenever it gets dark and foreboding I just want to sit and stare at the impending rain rather than work. I do it at home too. Can’t I bring a futon and a small tv set and lay down and watch old movies when it rains?

The Art of the Rollover

2008-07-15T17:36:00.001-04:00

Now you thought I was going to talk about my predilection for sleeping facing the outside of the bed, didn't you?

Nope, Spencer has learned to ROLL OVER. It took him a little more time than it would have taken a dog, but I didn't send him to obedience school. He turned over from tummy to back about a month ago once but it seemed really by accident and he couldn't figure out how to do it again, and then on my birthday he turned over twice! So I was excited. When oh when would he start turning over from back to belly? Not long at all, actually.

This weekend we had a lot of sleeping problems. We actually thought it was teething issues, and while they might be bothering him (who would notice a difference with that drool factory?) I the real reason seemed to be that he kept trying to turn over and couldn't figure out how to keep moving. So he would get stuck up against the side of the crib. Ha! So Sunday night was super bad (Fogell... shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin. ... oh wait, not that Superbad ... damn it, I digress) but it was Christen's night (haha, sorry), but last night he finally figured out how to scoot away from the side of the crib and he fell asleep on his belly clutching his light-up teddy bear. God bless that bear (thank you Joy, it didn't help in the car but he sure likes it in bed) because I got a damn good night's sleep on my night.

So that's the deal-eo. You know you wanted a Spencer update, so really instead of being a total mommy-blogger I'm just giving my public what it wants. Next I'll try to move onto pictures. He is five months now, after all. Where does the time go???

Good weekend

2008-07-14T17:10:00.000-04:00

It was, actually. We got a ton done on the house -- I've unpacked all my books and found places for almost all of them, and we bought and put together the new desk (our last one was an OD display and was falling apart from all the moving) and the library/office is looking so cozy! Once I get my loveseat in there and art on the walls I'm never going to want to leave that room! I need to build floating shelves above the loveseat for my antique books so Spencer can't get to them, and get a filing cabinet for our bills and house stuff and my writing so I can get back to submitting things to journals and filing my rejection slips.

Somehow it felt like a really long weekend. I still didn't want it to end, but at least I felt like I sucked all the marrow out of the time I had. At the end of the day there were still things I wish I had done (like finishing the laundry) but I still feel like I've made progress.

I think Spencer is teething. He had a horrible night last night -- Christen was up all night with his screaming. He's also figured out how to turn over from his back to belly this weekend, but he can't figure out how to scoot away from the crib walls so he gets stuck on his side against the bars. And for all my worrying that the swaddle was going to prevent him from learning -- he does it in his swaddle.

So this week's menu:

Monday: stuffed pork chops w/ spinach, sun-dried tomatoes and goat cheese and fried okra (using up the last of the fresh okra from last week before it gets slimy)
Tuesday: General Tso's chicken with white rice and snow peas (we nixed it from last week's menu)
Wednesday: Beef Stroganoff and a side salad
Thursday: Kikkoman stir-fry w/ brown rice
Friday: brown sugar bacon-wrapped shrimp with vegetable skewers

I've decided to not plan the weekends because we usually eat out at least one night, and the other night we can have leftovers from the week. That's what we did last night -- I broke up the meatloaf into mac & cheese for me, and sauteed the leftoever pork tenderloins in medallions for Christen. He's supposed to take the pasta from Thursday for lunch today and then we are leftover-free for the week and I only had one pork chop that got thrown out. Amazing. I know that won't happen all the time, but I'm also trying to make smaller meals so we don't feel compelled to eat seconds and thirds to eat things up. For tonight I only bought two pork chops, and I asked the veggie lady at Publix to split squash packages for me so I only had 2 each of zucchini and summer squash. Beef stroganoff is a big meal, but I have no problem bringing that to work every day for a few days to eat it up -- delish! I don't mind buying larger packages and breaking them up at home, but it seems that nothing is on sale like that lately, so why bother. I have a smaller fridge anyhow, so I can't pack it particularly full.

A book of firsts

2008-07-08T16:25:00.001-04:00

I did something this morning that I haven’t done in my entire work life. That would be 13 years, sometimes working 2 or 3 jobs.

I made coffee this morning, and brought it with me to work.

I know some of you can’t live without your coffee – my mother included, which is actually why we bought the coffee maker. But although I like coffee, I’ve never felt the need to have it every day, and usually drinking hot liquids in the morning gives me a stomachache so I generally stick to milk with breakfast. This morning I felt like coffee, and the coffee at work is terrible so I ground myself some decaf beans and started up a small pot. I didn’t drink any in the car, because I’m wearing a white blouse, and I still drank milk with my breakfast. But it was a welcome addition to my morning routine today. Not that it will likely become a routine, but it’s nice to know I can get that done before work if I want.

Other firsts are that I made meatloaf last night for the first time ever, and fried okra (and wax beans and rolls). Christen’s request. This week we started making our menu on Sunday and shopping for everything. If we can truly make this a practice I will be thrilled. Tonight is stuffed pork tenderloin which I love to make and is very easy, tomorrow are tomato and mozzarella panini sandwiches (Spencer has a doctor’s appointment to check his croup and ears and I know I won’t have time for much of anything). Thursday is penne with vodka sauce and Friday is scallops with orange sauce (Christen’s birthday). General Tso’s chicken is somewhere in there if I decide I don’t feel like making something in particular because that’s something Christen makes (it was originally Wednesday’s meal but I’ve already substituted). Saturday we’re probably going out with his family for the birthdays so I didn’t bother planning a meal, and next week we start again! It was actually really easy, just took an extra 20 minutes of planning before going to the store on Sunday and since I had a purpose it didn’t even take much longer to go shopping even though I did the whole week of shopping instead of just a day or two. I don’t have much room in the freezer for any pre-made dinners, but I may try to fit some in just in case. I also got fat free cool whip and berries, and I’ve been eating a little for dessert every night to curb my sweet tooth and it’s delicious! And much better than ice cream which I’ve truly been craving.

I haven’t bought any snack food since we’ve moved, and hope to keep that up. We have some baked chips, but I’m not a chip girl so they’re safe. I also have found that I don’t have the time to snack. Isn’t that wonderful? The baby keeps me so busy, and with work and feeding him his solids I make time to sit down and have dinner with my husband but that’s really it. Eventually I plan to start getting up earlier to run and give myself a little time to myself, but I’m okay working on my eating habits first and giving myself time to get settled in the house first. I’ll just make myself sick if I overdo it, and I know that.

Spencer’s doing better, although yesterday he got clingy and cried bloody freaking murder every time I set him down so that I could make dinner or go to the bathroom or anything. I can’t figure out if it’s behavioral or if his ear infections have come back (which I was told could happen with the croup). It makes me feel so bad, but things have got to be done so sometimes he’s just going to have to cry. His follow-up appointment is on Wednesday and they can tell me if he’s really doing better. Last night he woke up at 3am and started yelling. No crying, no screaming. He would yell out like, “Hey, I’m awake – come get me!” Ugh. He needs to start learning to sleep through the night. All these bouts of sickness set him back on that front and I’m getting so tired!

Anyhow, work is doing well; I’m starting to enjoy it again. I’m still not caught up a little more than 2 months back, but I’m getting there slowly. In my profession you’re never really caught up anyhow, so I’m getting used to it. Before I left I was always caught up and sometimes I got bored so I guess slightly behind is better. They’ve started this silly customer service competition and I’ve been working on that and I’m way in the lead for my group, which makes me happy. I’m so easy.

Ahh, fireworks

2008-07-04T23:14:00.002-04:00

Happy Independence Day! I'm always reminded of the mind bender question of yore which asks, "Does England have a fourth of July too?" to which the answer is "Yes, and a fifth of July, and a sixth ..."

Anyhow, We're officially in the house. I'm pretty sure I've said that. It's not in the least pulled together, but the nursery is completely done -- we bought the rug today (which Ikea does not have on their web site for me to show you). We also brought my new china cabinet in from the garage and I got to fill it, which totally excited me. I love organizing. It's really sad.

Spencer has croup. He started sounding hoarse Wednesday night and he didn't sound any better Thursday morning so I brought him in to see the doctor before the long weekend and it's a good thing I did. We caught it early; he never got the barking cough, just very hoarse when he cried or laughed and a dry cough. Too, since we caught it early it doesn't seem that the steroids they put him on haven't adversely affected him either; he hasn't been especially cranky or had any diarrhea.

Since he was feeling okay we went ahead and went to Ikea today. I'll be so happy when the one here gets built. We drove over for this cabinet and left 4 hours and $700 later. I wanted two of the cabinets but I couldn't bring myself to drop that much money on cabinets when the rest of my house isn't put together yet. Plus, we've been toying with the idea of building a library with Ikea bookcases, and that's far too much money to actually happen right now. I'm sticking with all my old bookcases.

And Spencer had peas tonight, and loved them -- it was so funny; I took pictures and hopefully I'll load them up tomorrow.

Anyhow, Toodles! PS- tomorrow is my birthday! So actually, 46 minutes from now ...

Long overdue, and therefore long

2008-06-26T18:47:00.000-04:00

Well I keep starting update posts and then don't have time to finish them, so I decided this morning to write one before I get started for the day. Sounds like a plan, right? I think I might need some breakfast before I start though, hold on ... :)

Okay, so things are going pretty good lately in the grand scheme of things. We closed on the house a couple weeks ago, and we've been painting ever since. My room is now light and dark taupe stripes (thanks to Shea and Debbie!), the kitchen, foyer and main wall of the living room is "Island Palm" green (sort of a dark gray/green that matches my countertops) and the other walls in the living room and dining room are a khaki color (Almond Toast, to be exact). The library/den is a dark red and Spencer's room is white, brown and blue stripes on the top and brown on the bottom. I still need chair rail in his room to separate the top and bottom, but April and Geoff are coming over on Saturday to help with that since they have a nail gun and a miter saw (woohoo for power tools!). The only places we haven't yet painted is the hallway and the bathrooms, and I figured I'll get to that after we officially move in, because we aren't putting any furniture there so we should be able to paint later. The only problem with that philosophy is that the second bathroom has that 1990s Celestial sun/moon border wallpaper and that's coming down! :) So painting will likely happen sooner rather than later.

We've been over the house every night this week. It's kind if awkward hanging out at our house, watching tv (Christen got a new Samsung to go over the fireplace) and eating dinner (my kitchen stuff is in the garage so I've been running loads of dishes in the dishwasher and last night I actually cooked) and then going back to the in-laws' house to sleep. I can't wait until Saturday when the rest of our stuff will be moved in and we can get to actually living at the new place. Then I can just go over to his parents' house to feed the animals while Ann and Don are in Alaska and I can sleep in my own bed at my own house. That's going to be so nice.

In Spencer news, he went to the doctor a couple weeks ago and it turns out that his lingering cold turned into a double ear infection. So he's now finishing up his prescription for Amoxicillin (which he loves, he sucks the syringe like a bottle trying to get every drop out) and they also gave me eye drops for his narrow and slightly infected tear duct and now his eyes are a lot better. He started eating rice cereal last week and now he's onto apples w/ rice cereal but we need to get a high chair because he hates not being at the table with us when we eat so we spend a lot of time eating with one hand while he sits on our laps. So at least with a high chair he can sit with us and play with his toys while we eat ... hopefully. He's almost sleeping through the night again, which is nice. When we get settled in we'll be able to put him on a better schedule so that he eats at the same time every night and goes to bed at the same time. I've started waking him up in the morning to get him ready instead of transferring him to his car seat in his sleep and it's so nice to see his smiling face before work. He still doesn't turn over, but he's trying. He gets tummy time almost every night for about 1/2 hour or 45 minutes and he usually enjoys it now, especially if he can see the tv from where he is, which is unfortunately one of his favorite things. He lays on his back and tries to get his feet in his mouth and he laughs so hard he gives himself hiccups (like father like son). He's getting to be so fun! Last night I was laying on the floor and he was sitting on my chest and he would slide himself forward so he was over my face and he evidently thought it was hilarious to be taller than me because he wouldn't stop laughing! But then he spit up on my cheek and got the hiccups so we decided he could be taller than daddy for a few minutes :)

But now that I've made this post unbearably long and you've probably even stopped reading before getting to the cute stuff about Spencer, I'm going to go. But I'll try to start posting more so that they aren't so crazy long, k? K k ... :) And an aside to my lovelies that might be reading this that are going through hard times, thinking about you and love you! Things have got to start looking up soon! I won't be one of those obnoxious people that says that everything happens for a reason, I'll just say that you're strong and I know you'll make things work and you'll make your own path.

Toxic

2008-06-10T19:03:00.002-04:00

She emailed me yesterday. It was courteous. It was impersonal.

Just wanted to let you know that the baby is adorable. I think Richard said his name is Spencer? I don't get to talk to him much anymore so I'm not 100% sure on that but I think that is what he told me. At any rate he is a cutie. Congratulations.

I wanted to say so much. I wanted to say that I missed her, that I still want to be friends. That I forgive her.

I don’t forgive her though. I know it’s selfish and I’ve never felt this way about a past friendship before. I usually welcome all friends back with open arms. But with her … well, she hurt me more than anyone ever had before. Anyone I’ve ever trusted. I cried so much when she decided our friendship was disposable that I just don’t feel that I have that kind of emotion left. That break-up crushed me. I thought about her every day, cried every day.

I found that my friendships with other people are so much stronger than I thought previously. April, Stacy, Suzanne, Shea, Theresa, Joy, Autumn, Acie … you were all there for me when she wasn’t. You all proved to be real friends, true friends. And still I felt sorry for myself – I had lost my best friend. I’m almost 30. All my close friends already have best friends. And even though they say they can have more than one best friend, it doesn’t really happen that way. I’ll always be second best. With her, I thought I was first. The one she went to when she needed something, the one I went to when I needed to talk. I thought she’d understand that I’d be there for her no matter what she was going through, but when things got bad she decided to cut me out of her life.

For probably six months I thought about her every day. Then I started dreaming about her. We’d have conversations about the state of our friendship in random houses. Every time I’m out and I see a flash of red hair I think it’s her. I stopped people watching. Me, stopped people watching. I drive by the building she works at every day and wonder if she’s there. I was just saying to her ex-husband that I was glad to move and not have to see it every day.

I’ve finally started only thinking about her at a glance a couple times a week. I can live with that. I’m sick of my heart hurting the way it was. I don’t think I can go through that again. And if she wants to be friends again, she’s going to have to reach out better than that. She’s going to have to own up to her mistakes. I know she’s going through some heavy stuff right now, things that I would never air in this forum even though it would make me feel better. Before we can take baby steps toward some semblance of a friendship, I need to know I won’t be hurt like this again. And I can tell you, I don’t think the trust will ever be there again in order for me to be hurt again.

So I did write her back.

Thanks, he gets cuter everyday. I hope everything is well with you!

Because my heart wants her back even though my brain knows it’s not healthy. And I don’t think it’s time yet. If we are to be friends, it needs to be because she wants a level friendship with give and take, not because she needs someone. In that case anyone would do. I need more. I need to know that she’ll be there for me too. Otherwise I’ll stick with my true friends. I know they really care.

Upload time: three hours

2008-06-04T17:47:00.003-04:00

I really wish Blogger would let you change your sign-in email address. It lets you change the address that comments forward to, but god forbid you want to change the actual log-in. The reason this is a problem is because I've only recently gotten a gmail account. I don't use it that much, and I've decided to start forwarding my bills to that email so that they are all in one place and don't get overlooked in the travesty that is my inbox these days. But since Blogger is now owned by Google and so is You Tube, if I log into one I log into them all. Except that my Blogger email is my yahoo email, so if I log into it that kicks me out of all the others.

Which really sucks when you're trying to upload videos of your child to YouTube and blog about posting videos of your child to YouTube. Then all that happens is that you rant about such things because YouTube kicked you out 5 minutes into trying to upload one lousy video (and I do mean lousy since I don't have a real video camera yet so I take video with my camera which looks like I have broadcast tv with crappy reception). Blah.

In other news, I'm uploading videos of Spencer tonight, and I'm getting a video camera this week so I can take better video in the near future. We've (read:I've) decided to go ahead and get this camera for now and we'll get the good stuff when he's running around playing soccer and starring in plays.

Can I slit my wrists with a cell phone?

2008-05-30T16:47:00.000-04:00

So the other day I made a big mistake.

A friend sent me a link: Win a year’s supply of diapers!

Really, I know better. I swear I do. But I clicked. And I filled out. And now the phone calls and emails just won’t stop. Ugh! No, I don’t need a new car. No, I don’t want more life insurance. No, I don’t want to be entered in the “Win your dream contest”, “Cute Baby Contest” or “Stay in a Hilton” contests. I don’t need to know more about working from home, I don’t need to be enrolled in a book club or a cd club. Holy Jesus!

I may need to change my email address now. And maybe my phone number. And I might have a nervous breakdown.

I could be playing MarioKart

2008-05-29T18:00:00.002-04:00

I left the house in such a rush this morning that I left my wedding rings at home. It’s weird not having them, even though when I’m home I never wear them. I can’t stand not having them in public.

The last few weeks have been a blur. The house stuff has been going well and we close in 15 days. I’m excited, but it still doesn’t really seem real. Once we close and start buying paint I think it will feel more real. But then I won’t have time to be excited, because the plan is that we’re supposed to close on the house at 10am. If all that goes according to plan, we will buy paint after that and go to the house and start taping off the baseboards etc. so we can paint over the weekend. I might have Christen do the things he wanted to do the same weekend, like replace the toilets, the bathroom lighting, the tract lighting in the kitchen, the living room fan and the thing that goes over the stove (what’s that thing called?) ... a range hood. As a matter of fact, now that I look at that list maybe we’ll paint the following weekend.

I’ve set my electric, pest control and lawn maintenance up and I thought I had set up my water until I got home and found the email that told me that the city doesn't take care of my water at that address and to contact county. So that's on tomorrow's list, along with cable and the moving van.

Spencer's doing well. He's sleeping beside me right now; he seems to take a short nap most days when he comes home from daycare. I'm not looking forward to changing his daycare even though I'm sure he'll be fine at the new one (Laura, he's coming to Orien's daycare). He loves the girls and they're crazy about him. I told them today that he was going to be leaving in July and they were sad. It has to be done though; I made the drive from work to the daycare and then past where we'll be living and it took an hour and a half. Blah!

Have you seen this browser called Flock? Christen downloaded it for me yesterday, but I haven't really messed with it. It keeps all your log-ins for all the social networking sites -- Twitter, Blogger, Facebook, You Tube ... really, everything except MySpace, which I can't figure out unless they have some sort of beef with MS. If it works the way I want it to, it'll be pretty neat.

Needed: windless hallways.

2008-05-15T18:50:00.002-04:00

I needed tablecloth weights yesterday for my skirt. There's a bit of a wind tunnel effect in the outside hallway between the building and the parking garage at work, and I was on the phone with my mom when up! went my skirt. I was pinned against the wall trying to keep it down, and there was a maintenance guy sitting on the bench on the phone and it was all I could do not to flash him.

I failed.

Wonder if I'll get better service from the maintenance guys now? Or the security guys, since that hallway is on video surveillance ...

*~*

The mortgage is moving forth now. I finally made a decision, and now I'm perfectly willing to hunt down all paperwork needed including reasons for settling a credit card debt 10 years ago. Geez! But that's fine, I'm the queen of writing stupid letters. That's what I do at work!!

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T23:49:00.002-04:00

Thank you to all who texted, commented and emailed to say Happy Mother's Day. :) I'm terrible about writing back because, well, I am. But you all are wonderful.

My Mother's day was very nice. Christen made me breakfast in bed after I had already gotten up and fed Spencer ... but it was the thought that counted, of course. Spencer sat and watched the ever-cheesy 27 Dresses which while not the best movie in the world was certainly cute, and a nice brainless movie to watch this morning. We spent the majority of the day shopping for a kitchenette set and other various things that we'll want when we move into the new house but we instead spent about $30 at Old Time Pottery on a painting, a pretty platter and various cheap household items that will likely break on their first use. It was a nice day.

We got car side carryout of Carrabba's to have with the bottle of wine I got for mother's day. The bottle ... well, it was pretty good, especially as we kept drinking it. I haven't figured out why Christen had to kept emphasizing how expensive it was except because that's his way. It was very alcohol-y at the beginning (unappetizingly so), but after we finished eating I took a cookie with it and it was fantastic. We sat on the back porch and talked about wine and family and all of our trips while finishing the bottle of wine. I have to say it was fantastic by the time we finished it.

Now Christen is snoring beside me so I think I will try to get some sleep. We have the inspections on the new house tomorrow and I have to figure out my financing on the house. Blah. Only a month and 2 days until I own my own home!

Workin' through it

2008-05-07T18:00:00.003-04:00

I’ve been meaning to write here, but it seems every time I think about it I'm doing something else and by the time I remember there's no time. Or by the time I open the screen I'm just not feeling it anymore. And once you get behind it's harder to even start again. Even now, technically I'm emailing this to myself from work so that I can get it down before life gets too busy, you know?

Anyhow, work has gotten better. I'm getting used to going to work every morning, and if I rush it in the am I can get to work early (7am) and get off even earlier (3:45pm) to spend time with my baby and my family. I missed working, to tell you the truth. I felt like I was only using my brain to count hours between feedings and to remember to pick up the dry cleaning. I only wish work wasn't quite so stressful. Does anybody have a local bookstore I can buy for like, a dollar and I can manage that?

Speaking of buying, we put an offer in on a house and yesterday it was accepted! So meet our new house: I'm sort of excited, although it really doesn't seem real to me so I haven't been able to get really excited yet. Also, there is a condition per the seller that we have to get pre-qualified through their lender to make sure that our financing isn't going to fall through. We don't have to go through them, they just want their Wells Fargo man to run our numbers to make sure we can afford the house.

So now I have to find a new daycare. I really love the daycare that he's at, so it sucks that we'll have to change, but it would more than double my drive to work in the mornings to continue taking him there. And I'm seriously no good at getting up in the mornings. Last week I was good about getting up in the 5:30am range, but this week I'm getting up just after 6, then I have to get myself and my son ready and leave by 6:25 (sometimes includes giving him a bottle). A 45- or 60-minute drive to work isn't happening. I drove down Memorial Hwy yesterday on my way home to see if there were any daycares on the way home to the new place (it's about a mile west of Memorial Hwy off Hillsborough), and there are a few but I think I'm going to have to check a bunch out next week when I have the inspections done on the place. I only saw one place that had a sign saying they were now enrolling, and I don't like only having one option. If I can't find a place right away, I'm going to have to keep him where he is until a spot opens up somewhere good.

Spencer's doing good. He had a bad cold last week and didn't sleep much (perfect timing, with me going back to work) but we got his mattress on an incline and started running a humidifier in his room and he's doing a lot better. Still the runny nose, but he sleeps better and seems a lot happier. I, on the other hand, got way sicker than him and I'm still very congested. We've been doing tummy time every night and he can scoot his body in a circle without lifting his belly. He only lasts a few minutes before he gets frustrated, but I'm really trying. He's always in such a good mood when I pick him up from daycare, so I've tried doing it right when we get home. He's still not going to bed until 10pm, but it's better than 11-12, like before. Slowly we may get him to a normal bedtime. :)

Anywho, so that's life as I know it right now. I'll try not to be a stranger, and don't you be either!

***update: daycare costs two to three as much near the new house! Spencer will be staying with his usual daycare for now. Even with the 20-30 minute longer commute, it's not as expensive as what those crazy people want to watch my son! We've worked it out so that Christen will take him to daycare and I'll pick him up. Holy cow! $215-272 a week!!!

****update numbero dos: They approved us with Wells Fargo, so we're good to go! Woohoo! I'm going to be a homeowner in less than 5 weeks!

Trying to keep my head above water

2008-04-29T19:55:00.003-04:00

So two days into work and I already feel like I'm drowning. When I left I knew every file I had, and where I was on it, what needed to be done. Now even the files that are still mine (which is about 90% of them) I don't know what is going on with them. Plus I have about 45 new files, 30 of which are in a system I've never worked. I started today by just writing expense checks in the new system and even that was complicated. I know I can figure it all out eventually, but it's just frustrating. And in the meantime I have to get some semblance of work done, right?

I just want to go home. But really, I know I should want to go home and be with my son but more than that I want to go home and take a nap. Why does working have to be so stressful and hard?

I think that I'm insulted by the amount of people that now tell me how I "look like a mom now". What's that about? I go out and get professional looking clothes because my work attire was very casual before and now I "look like a mom". So what they're saying is I don't look like a teenager anymore, which is good but in saying that they make me feel like I look old instead of saying that I look good now. Blah.

Anyhow, I'm heading home. Christen is taking me for sushi, which I couldn't be happier about at this moment. :)

****update -- this really was the day from hell - I got rear-ended again! This makes twice in two months, and I just got my bumper replaced from the last one! This time it was worse, so I hope it's just my bumper and nothing more that costs more. The lady wants to take care of it herself but I got her insurance info anyhow. I better not get burned on this. I'm so annoyed.

Back to Square One

2008-04-26T23:30:00.002-04:00

So our offer was not accepted on the house. We were told it was a good offer, and it was around the same amount as the other offer, but the people who got it made a cash offer with no financing. Damn investors, taking our house out from under us.

I know it "wasn't meant to be". But really, that's such an annoying phrase. Is it supposed to be less upsetting to know that we weren't "meant" to have that house? I don't really believe in fate, except in retrospect. I just hope they have major issues with it and have to drop a ton of money into the place. That's all I can do. Is that evil?

We are looking at more houses tomorrow; hopefully it will be a successful day.

We went to Square One burgers today for lunch. It looked very nice (and yuppy), and the onion rings were pretty good. We went specifically so that Christen could have their "Kobe burger". He wasn't impressed (I thought it had a good flavor, but not $14 good, especially with no sides). I got the "Angus hot dog" (fancy $6.25 way of saying all-beef) and I wasn't impressed at all -- they served it on a hamburger bun!!! I know it's a burger place, but if you are going to put a hot dog on your menu, spring for the hot dog buns. Just a piece of advice. Do me a solid, you know?

So it was just alright, and I doubt we'll go back. If we do, I'm ordering the cheese fries because those looked tasty. And I'm not going to get my hopes up so much when I read a review from the Trib, because they must have gotten better service than I did. I bet they may have even gotten their plain hot dog right on the first try.

That 100 things post, part one

2008-04-25T08:07:00.003-04:00

So I've been blogging for ~~(hold on, let me look)~~ ~~(since 7/06/04 ... calculate the time ...)~~ 3 years, 5 months and a bunch of days. What, did you expect me to get it down to the hour? Well, I almost did but I didn't want you to think I was OCD.

Anyhow, I've been blogging for a really long time. And in that time I've been reading a number of different blogs and almost all do the "100 things about me" post. I haven't, and not because I don't have the time. I just don't have the attention span. So I was over at Michele's waiting for the Weekend thingie to start because I really don't want to get up and get ready for the day and I clicked on a random sidebar person. She had been working on her 100 things, in increments. And I thought, I can do that! So here goes on the start of my 100 things until I can't think of any more or I just get bored:

1. I have a half-brother and a foster sister that are 10 and 12 years younger than me, respectively. I spent a lot of time raising them before I moved out and I always feel more like their mother or some other older relative than their sister.

2. I used to be the lone copy editor and then the editor in chief of a small online magazine that made a 2-issue foray into print, called Today's Cacher. I feel like that was the one time I had a taste of what I wanted for work, even though I wasn't getting paid for it.

3. My only current hobby is all things internet, but some day I hope to get back to some of those previous activities and even pick up some more (more on those later).

And now Spencer's awake and doesn't want to let me type, so I'll have to resume later! This list might take a very long time!

You make stalking sexy

2008-04-24T22:28:00.002-04:00

I was listening to our local 80s station tonight (which also plays 70s and 90s and even some early 2000 music ... don't get me started -- isn't there enough enough 80s music to keep a station running?) and Sting's I'll be Watching You came on.

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

I remember that song from when I was young and I never really knew what it was about. Then, about a year ago I was watching VH1 and they referred to this song and said that it "made stalking sexy". So of course now I always think about stalking when I hear it.

Anyhow, it came on tonight and I was singing along for Spencer when I started thinking about cyber-stalking. Not the scary kind, but one specific instance when my favorite New Yorker and I used to lurk on the blog of a certain whiny my-fiction-is-better-than-your-fiction, sucking-dick-doesn't-mean-i'm-gay, 9.5-inch-cock-but-yearns-for-10 ex-boyfriend of said New Yorker. And we'd talk about it. As a matter of fact, his online fights with his psycho girlfriend were priceless.

I wonder what happened to that blog. And certain person know if it's still active? And is there any body else worthy of cyber-stalking?

BTW, this post sounded so much more interesting in my head when I was thinking it in the car.

Twitter

2008-04-23T12:50:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I've bitten. If you're on Twitter (besides you, Mrs. Mogul, I'm already following you hehe) let me know and I'll follow you! Also, if you follow me I might be more inclined to update more often than once every 18 days! Just follow the link-y-doo to the right here. I even changed my text color so you can notice it!

Suzanne, you know you want to!

Also, there are posts below this, so scrolly scrolly!

Updates on mommyhood

2008-04-23T04:35:00.001-04:00

Spencer did well at daycare yesterday. When I picked him up at 4:30 he was very subdued and they said that he had been a very quiet baby and gave me a paper that said when they fed him and when they changed his diapers. He fell asleep the moment he got in the car and slept until about 7 with very little interruptions (slept through dinner at Five Guys ... he really likes to sleep there evidently). I fed him formula when we got home and he took it well with just a little of turning away. I'm pretty sure it confused him because I was feeding him but it didn't taste like it usually did. He was so happy when we got home -- if he's like this every day I'll really enjoy taking him to daycare even if I miss him. He went to bed around 10:30 and has been sleeping ever since. Nice.

So this is the first time in 10 weeks I'm awake for reasons other than Spencer. I've decided to stop breastfeeding as of yesterday. He had two formula bottles and I've noticed a drastic difference in the volume of spit-up and gas immediately. I have about 4 meals frozen, and I think I'm going to intersperse those meals to him throughout the next couple days so it's not a complete change from breast milk to formula. However, since I'm no longer breastfeeding or pumping, my boobs hurt so much! I've been waking up all night, and finally at 4:15 I took a hot shower so that they wouldn't hurt quite so much even though I know I'm not supposed to. I put on one of my pre-breastfeeding bras so that it would be snug, and now I'm just sitting here, deciding if I should go back to bed for an hour or not. It was my intention to start getting up at 5:30 starting today to get used to going back to work and to see how long it takes to get both of us ready in the mornings so I can be on time on Monday.

I have made an appointment regarding my last post for Thursday after a good talk with the nurse, so hopefully that will be cleared up before going back to work.

Spencer is doing very well on all fronts. He smiles and coos and laughs, he loves to stand even though he can't support his back so I have to hold him up. He can hold his head up briefly from his tummy, but I'm trying to do more tummy time (I hate that he hates it so much) so that he can get used to doing the stuff that he's supposed to that way. He sleeps mostly through the night, and he's getting better on naps (daycare will help on the structure of that I'm sure).

Anyhow, I think I may lay down again and see if I can sleep. Blah for pain!

Daycare, Sex and Putting an offer in (no subject related there)

2008-04-22T12:19:00.002-04:00

Spencer started daycare this morning. He was in a very good mood, and I hated giving him to someone else when he was happy and smiling (no problems handing him off when he won't stop crying) but it had to be done. I go back to work on Monday and I want to get used to taking him in before work. This morning we didn't get there until 9am, but tomorrow and Friday I'm going to get up and get ready like I'm going to work so I'm used to it before next week. The people there are very nice ... the only problem I have is that I don't think the infant teacher speaks any English. When I was talking to them about his gas problems and swaddling etc, the director kept translating for me. It was very odd. Unfortunately in this area I don't think I really have a choice, and I'd rather have very nice and clean people who don't speak English watching my son rather than sketching dirty people who speak English taking care of him.

We had his doctor's visit yesterday -- he got 4 shots and an oral vaccine! He was in a terrible mood after that, but thankfully he slept through the night, likely because he didn't feel well and the screaming like crazy tired him out. The doctor listened to my concerns about his gas and about breastfeeding, and we've decided to wean him to formula. I'm a little excited about that, and I hope everything goes well. I'm still pumping today, but I'm going to start with every other feeding as formula and then get him completely on formula maybe by next week. Christen says, "It's good to know all the money for the fancy pump went to good use" but I told him maybe the next baby will be a little more cooperative on my boobs.

Here's the part where I get into the TMI -- I haven't had sex since Spencer was born. First I was bleeding for 6 weeks, then I started a period almost immediately (yes I know it's not supposed to happen when you're breastfeeding but no one told my body). Then I got my IUD and I've been spotting every day since. But over the past week or so we've tried to have sex and it hurts and we haven't gone for it and I'm not sure what to do about it. I feel like a virgin again. Should I act like it's a bandaid and just go for it? Should I talk to my doctor? Should I just get really drunk?

Back to the normal part of this blog, I'm putting in an offer on a house today. I'm not really worried about the money part of it although I should. I'm mostly worried that we won't get it. I'm excited to own a home. I'm excited to live on my own again. Christen says his mom is bummed because she thought we'd be around longer, but really we may not move for 3 months anyhow. I'm excited to be able to hang around in the buff again. But the house is 4 bedrooms, 2 bath with a pool and a fireplace. It needs a lot of sprucing up but not a huge amount of work before moving in -- carpet and paint, mostly. I'm super excited so cross your fingers that we get it and that the mortgage crisis has ended!