words for eyes

No I'm not warm enough.

2009-10-23T17:44:00.001-07:00

All of these beautiful women I know, and some that I don't, are posting a week's worth of Fall Fashion. They are adorable and so fun to check out.

Here's a few that I've been spying on.

Emery @ Mom's are for everyone
Mama Bird @ Three Birds.
Jilian Dee @ Jilian Dee & Dexter too !
Amanda @ Lullabies to Terrorize .
Marianne & Baby Penny @ Ancora Imparo
Indy & Summer @ a shot in the dark .
Mrs. Boo Radley @ just like camping.
sarah @ the banshee tree

Meanwhile. My clothes are stretching to fit over my growing tummy and many items in my wardrobe are becoming impractical. It was so cold last night that I went to the coat closet to get out a heavy jacket and realized that none of my winter coats are going to fit me this year. None. This whole growing belly thing is going to be a real challenge come the really cold days. Also, my leggings, that I wear all the time under everything when it's cold, finally ripped to the degree that they're no longer 'leggings'. Does anyone have ideas that will help keep my tummy warm through the winter?

And, here's a photo of the first ever booties I knit for Ant. He'll be totally warm after his exit from the belly. I emphatically apologize for the gross quality of these photos, but the iphone is the simplest, quickest way to take and post photos of random things like baby booties.

And, here's the next pair I'm working on, in a soft gray.

Annnd, I'm off to knit.

Saturday night gamble

2009-10-18T11:02:00.001-07:00

We went to a texas hold 'em poker tournament last night. I should rephrase that and say we played in a texas hold 'em tournament last night. It was a birthday party, and we weren't going to play, we were just going to watch, but the birthday boy carried us, or floated us or something? Well, whatever it's called, he paid our $5 entrance fees.

We had a blast and didn't do too shabby either. Andy's pride was in the fact that he wasn't the first to go out at our table, he was the third. I wasn't counting, but I won a bunch of hands in a row. Nothing I was too proud of, a few hands of a couple pairs, a high card, and once a full house, that sort of thing. But I did get a few really good wins, both with a good hand and with a big pot and I even knocked out the birthday boy and won a prize for doing so. By the time I was tired and ready to go I still had a big stack of chips and had to ask what to do with them, cause I wasn't up for staying till I went out.

When real money isn't on the line, gambling is fun. Otherwise, I'm just not that into it, so last night was perfect and I kind of rocked it.

Take it as it comes

2009-10-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

A friend posed a question in the comment section of my last post, "Does it depress you to travel back to before halfway again?"

When the doctor measured our Ant and he stated, "I don't think you're as far along as you think. You might be up to 5 weeks earlier."

Everything stopped.

The air was suddenly drained out of the room. The warm glow from the ultrasound's screen became a blaring headlight from an oncoming collision. The devastation I felt was paired with a crippling fear.

I couldn't process the words or make them seem rational. I didn't want to believe him, or rather, I began to believe he was a quack. But as he measured and spoke, his voice had a soothing confidence and I couldn't deny his skill and the wisdom in his words.

Once the doctor had taken all of Ant's measurements, the average placed him a day shy of 17 weeks. 17 weeks was still in my danger zone. 17 weeks could still end his life suddenly. It had happened before, it could happen again.

I quickly adjusted my thinking to a March birth and not a February birth. I had no trouble seeing his perfect heart, umbilical cord, and spine on the screen and allowing the safety of these visuals to ease my mind about his well-being. But I couldn't reconcile the number. 17 weeks.

17 weeks was not half way. 17 weeks was not a safe place. 17 weeks meant I could still loose him to an unknown assailant, just like I had lost his brother eight years ago.

When I thought I'd hit the half-way mark of 20 weeks, something in me changed. I finally allowed the little part of me that was still afraid to disappear. I knit a pair of baby booties. I bought a board book and a nursing cover. I measured the office and began making plans to turn it into the nursery. I let myself exhale...but now, again, I couldn't breath.

The joy of hearing Andy whisper in my ear, "we're having a boy" was clouded by the thoughts enveloping me from the doctor's words. It wasn't until we exited the office and began to verbally process with one another that I was able to exhale the tension building in my muscles.

As we drove, and sat in the restaurant and ate lunch, we talked. We reconciled the miscalculation and my mind was put at ease, except for the little piece of fear that held on tight. It was then I realized that I hadn't really experienced the moment when Andy whispered in my ear. I hadn't let the definitive news settle in. After all this time of wondering, hoping, trying not to hope in case the one I hoped for wasn't the one we had, imagining life with one or the other, that was all over. We are having a boy. A boy! In that moment, I realized I was grinning, a big 'ol goofy grin.

So now. In three weeks, when my tummy has swelled again, and our boy has grown to weigh his first full pound, and we officially hit the half way mark...I can rest in knowing that my fear left this baby weeks earlier than it would have if I'd known the truth early on and the environment we've created for him was healthier from the start of his life. And until then, I can continue to learn to exhale a little more each day.

It all happened one day

2009-10-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

So as you know Friday was a big day in our family. We drove up to Portland to go to our first ultrasound. It was, obviously, a glorious day. We learned a ton about our little ant.

1. Ant is a BOY

2. The boy is growing strong and perfectly, but hasn't been doing so for as long as we first thought.
Explanation: The OB said Ant is measuring at 17 weeks, not 20 weeks as we thought.

3. Our due date is now March 22, 2010

4. This will mean our boy is definitely going to be born in the year of the Tiger.

5. The OB also checked out every possible angle of the Ant and told us the following medical discoveries:
a. All four chambers of the heart are functioning, strong, and whole
b. The Ant's upper lip is fully developed = no cleft palate
c. The umbilical cord has 2 separate, with strong flowing, tubes (exactly the number it should have.)
d. The spine is developed and fused = no spinebifida
e. There are no signs of down syndrome

We are thrilled.

The next question you're going to ask is "what about names?"

We don't have one, or any that we're solid on yet. Here's where you come in. Throw 'em at me. I need boy names, and no run of the mill names, but no Ijustmadethisup names either.
Hit me with your best shot.

p.s. ultrasound pictures to come, if I ever remember to scan them while I'm at the office.

Old Wive's Tales

2009-10-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

A big thank you to everyone who submitted old wives tales. This was a fun post to write...and now for the results.

Marianne & Skylana: Silver spoon or a ring tied to the end of a piece of hair. A pendulum swing is a boy and a circular swing is a girl (for the record...both Penny (Marianne's newest) and Sabine (Summer's newest) were boys by the spoons tell)
Me: Boy

Mercedes: "They" say that if the mother's looks deteriorate during pregnancy then the baby is a girl. If the mother's looks become increasingly stunning during pregnancy then you are having a boy.
Summer: if you glow and get more beautiful...boy (girl's apparently steal your beauty)
Me: People say pregnancy suits me, so I think that means - Boy

Rachel, Melanie, & Aunt Meg: Carry low for a boy, high for a girl.
My Mom, Aunt Meg & Marianne: if you carry straight out it's a boy and more across it's a girl
Me: For both of these I think it's too early to tell. Marianne thinks I'm carrying high right now, but I feel like I'm carrying low, or that the baby is always really low in my tummy. I think it's a draw.

McKenzie: if the husband gains weight, it's a girl
Me: Andy's stayed the same, so? Boy

Cassie & Summer: Lots of nausea and morning sickness = Girl
Me: threw up once at the beginning, then nothing - Boy

Summer: speed of the heart rate, if it is faster consistently then girl, if it's slower, a boy. She said 135-140's = boy, 170's = Girl
Me: 150's - of course, Baby Ant's right in the middle

Marianne: If the hair on your body grows in more places or faster then it's a girl, the same, it's a boy
Me: I'm Italian, there's hair everywhere...but it's growing at the same speed - Boy

Marianne: If you crave sugar, a girl, if you crave healthy food, a boy
Me: Healthy food all the way, sugar is actually un-appealing most of the time - Boy

Mercedes: if you crave citrus and salt then it's a girl.
Or if cravings are for sweets it's a girl, sour it's a boy
Me: no cravings at all, but I would way rather eat sour things than sweet things, but I think that's just me, since I've always been that way. - Draw?

Midwife Appointment Wed. 10.7.09 - After she checked me, and Baby, I asked her what she thinks we're having. She thinks - Boy

Chinese Gender Chart: Boy

I also took this old wives tales test. Results: 53% Boy, 47% Girl...So...about 50/50 still

And the Boy or Girl test, here. Results: 52% Boy, 47% Girl...which doesn't equal 100%, but is pretty much still about a 50/50 chance. At least with this test, in the results they tell you why you scored the way you did for each question answered, and this one was actually pretty fun. Except they said the opposite results were true for the spoon/ring test, so I technically scored higher on the boy side.

Then, there's this site Baby Gender Prediction Test dot com, that promises " We'll be able to determine your baby sex on the basis of your responses with the probability up to 86%"
I entered our birth dates and whether or not our siblings are equal or out numbered with boys or girls. (How does this make sense?!?)
Results - Girl

Or you could go to this site and pay $19.95 for them to tell you the gender of your baby based on three simple dates: the mother's d.o.b, the father's d.o.b. and the expected due date of the baby. Yeah...$19.95, oh, but that's the sale price, the regular price is $26.60 so obviously it's a steal at $19.95.
Results: I'm not an idiot, I didn't pay to see my results.

Based on all these unscientific tests it looks like it's a boy. And based on the poll, sitting at 18 votes, you all decided we have an equal shot of having a boy or a girl. So thanks for nothing. We'll let you know someway, somehow on Friday what science says about it.

First the spoon, then the...

2009-10-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Let's play a baby game, since so far, polling has resulted in a 50/50 or close to score after each vote.

Tell me any 'ol wives tale, or superstition you've heard over the years that help determine if the baby is a boy or a girl and I'll tell you where I land with all of them, then we'll see if it still lands 50/50

To get the ball rolling, my friend Marianne conducted the silver spoon on a hair test in the first trimester

- the spoon results said: Boy

We've got less than a week to play, so comment with your ideas and I'll post where I land before the ultrasound results.

20... and counting

2009-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Sooo apparently I can't count, or maybe I can, I guess when the ant is born we'll see if I was right when I said 19 weeks was half way. What I realized half way through the week was, 19 weeks isn't technically half way, 20 weeks is half way. We were technically beginning our last week of the first half, not ending it last Saturday. But 20 weeks is full term, 40 weeks for all you math wiz kids out there, so if our baby comes at 38 weeks - a totally healthy time - then 19 weeks would've been half way. Phew. Pregnancy brain makes me have to think through and explain things a lot more, sorry.

Even though I'm standing the other way, here's a new 'milestone' photo of the ant belly. This time the full view.

20 weeks

Everything I've read says at this point the belly button will be flush with the belly, but as you'll see, mine belly still has a big dent in the middle. So people, 20 weeks, what do you know about baby tummy's and belly buttons?

This week for the first time someone I didn't know knew I was pregnant just by looking at me. When I relayed the story to Andy he said that he had thought the same thing this week, something to the affect of, suddenly - there's a baby belly.

In case you haven't heard, our other big news is that our first ultrasound appointment is on Friday. Not only will be know for sure how far along we are and have a solid due date from Baby's measurements, but we'll be able to see the 4 chambers of the heart, the fused, functioning spinal cord, the strong bones and the developed organs. Friday night I will have sweet dreams with the knowledge we'll gain.

Since we'll be close to 21 weeks, the OB should be able to tell if Baby is a boy or a girl, as long as Baby is playing nice and shows us. So this week is voting time. I'm creating a poll, it will also be in the sidebar of the blog here. Vote, Boy or Girl?

poll by twiigs.com

baby blog

2009-09-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

*Updated with photos

This is a milestone day. Half way there. Our baby is 19 weeks.

It seemed fitting that I woke up this morning with a lot of big goals to prepare for the little ant. One is the beginning of our baby registry. Since most of the things we're interested we've found online Amazon has actually become a helpful resource. I'm also considering creating a sidebar with links to websites/items we're interested in. Strike that, I just decided that's what I'm going to do. I wonder if FB has anything like this?

And, I'm going to start to put out the call to all my family and friends with children. I love free gifts. Items that are free for you but a gift for me are one of the best things ever. If it's safe for our baby, and we can use it and fit it in our tiny house, then I'll take it. My mom informed me that she'll be driving up to meet her grandbaby so she'll have some room in her vehicle to bring up hand me downs.

In other baby news, I'm hounding Craig's list and Freecycle for items off our wish list too, if you want to in your neck of the woods for me I would love it.

I'm not just searching for things though, I'm searching for advice and I'll most likely start up a series on here called something like 'ask a parent' or something where I'll pose a question to all my parent friends for advice on a subject and inquire with my single friends about annoying or pitfall things to watch out for as we become someone's parents.

We hope to be able to get an ultrasound appointment within the next couple of weeks...anyone local know of an inexpensive, no insurance coverage option?

louder than words

2009-09-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

After the 5 1/2 weeks of waiting to officially announce to the world (meaning the internet) that we're having a baby, I questioned my reasons again last night and realized that not only was I legitimately waiting to tell friends in person still, but I also had fear ebb and flow through my thoughts.

I wanted to get into my fifth month, to hear the baby's heartbeat and movement in my tummy before fully committing to telling the world. Because a part of me was afraid. Afraid that if we lost this baby like we lost our first son then I would have to make the devastating announcement to the internet...something I didn't have to do eight years ago.

I can't begin to describe the freedom I felt in staring the fear square in the eyes and hitting publish on my last blog. And when we sat in the room with our midwife this morning and heard Baby's heartbeat for the first time, there wasn't the sense of relief that would have been paired if the fear had still been there. Instead there was pure excitement and an overwhelming emotion of love. To share this moment with my husband might just be my favorite memory to date.

I thought you should know

2009-08-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

We're pregnant.
the image above is not our stick, but
one posted by a dear friend who I wrote about
in a previous post. I stole her image cause they're
always prettier than mine.

Where to begin, I guess the day we found out.
The morning after I wrote the post about our friends being pregnant, I woke up and haphazardly decided to pee on a stick. My early morning decision was made for two reasons.
1. I had 2 tests left in the box I had bought the month prior
2. I assumed I would start my period that morning, and when I didn't I figured, what the heck, let's pee on a stick

After I replaced the cap, I set the stick on the edge of the sink, unintentionally upside down and proceeded to brush my teeth. What I recalled later (after we knew) was that 2 lines had appeared in the window before I had even laid it down.

As I brushed my teeth, I walked into the kitchen where Andy was making breakfast, and a moment of clarity hit me --TWO LINES?!?! I slowly walked back to the bathroom and turned the stick over. TWO lines stared me in the face. I couldn't think. I put one foot in front of the other and somehow ended up standing in the threshold to the kitchen, holding the stick and shaking.

Andy noticed me and said, "hey, you're shaking"
I held out the stick to him.
"you're pregnant!"

The rest of the day was a blur...all I could think was, I'm pregnant.

The next morning I took another test (cause why not? And if the first one was right, then I wouldn't be needing the last one in the box anytime soon.) And this time, the 'pregnant' line was darker than the 'it's working' line and appeared the second after I peed on it. It was just the little nudge I needed to really believe it was true.

My friend called her doctor to go in for a blood test to 'make sure' she was pregnant (she peed on two sticks also) and the doctor's office said something to the effect of, 'if the home test says positive, it's positive, you're pregnant. You can always get a false negative, but you can never get a false positive.'

Which leads me to June. In June, when all of you thought I was pregnant, me included, and my pee test came out negative, THAT was a false negative. I don't think my body had produced enough hCG for the stick to detect that I was pregnant because implantation was still happening when I took the test (which I thought was the shortest, lightest period I'd ever had).

We've either told personally, or attempted to tell all the people in our life this news one on one. But it's been about 5 1/2 weeks since we found out, and some times the stars don't align for the personal message to be communicated. At this point, just imagine you're all in our backyard at a fantastic bbq, and we just made our announcement. Now come give me a hug!

So. When we get further along, measurements will help determine a firm time frame. But for now, our midwife places us at 15 weeks today, with a due date in mid-february.

I'm a liar

2009-08-27T07:25:00.000-07:00

A big 'ol bold faced liar. Well. Not intentionally, but frankly, if you read my last post and then noticed there haven't been any additional posts for over 2 weeks, then you'd assume I'm a liar.

I didn't post anything about our trip south. I apologize.
At first it was mostly because internet service was slow and even my cell service was spotty so tweets became unheard of, I practically fell off the cyperspace radar system. But frankly, I didn't mind it one bit. It took me back to the days when people left you a message on your home machine if you didn't answer, and they patiently waited for you to return their call. Or your friends found out about your trip because you all sat around the table at Taco Bell and showed them the glossy prints from Thrifty's photo center. These were simpler days, days when you enjoyed being with the people that are present in the room with you.

Since returning to the land of connectivity, I've practically slowed my net-interactions to a turtle's pace. No one needs to know everything, and they especially don't need to know it now.
Better yet, I've taken time to talk to the people that live in my town and invest in people 'on the web' with a more personal approach...less writing to the masses and more writing to one person. Thus, this blog has stayed pretty silent. But, it all still has a place in my life - as is obvious by this post - and I won't be deleting my twitter or FB accounts anytime soon. But I'm learning not to make any grandiose promises about my behavior online.

Baby's birth day

2009-08-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Marianne's Blog:

Penelope Grace Alene Scrivner
Born 6:21pm at home on August 20th 2009
10 pounds 14 ounces (after three poops)
22 inches long with a 15 1/2 inch head circumference
(she just couldn't let the boys out-do her in any way)

taken with my iphone an hour after birth

Marianne is an amazing woman, to say the least. After 2 c-sections she successfully delivered a healthy and big baby girl at home with the assistance of her loving husband and mother, a doula, a midwife and assistant.

I was privileged to sneak in for the last 3 hours of the birth and experience the joy with the birth of the newest Scrivner. I took many photos and I'm sure Marianne will post them just as soon as I drop them off to her. What a blessed woman I am to have been given the opportunity to share in this moment of strength with Marianne. The moment Penelope wiggled out I was overcome with tears of happiness...I still well up every time I think of that moment. Marianne is a brave, loving mother and I am honored to call her friend.

If only I was there right now

2009-08-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

We've been busy lately, obviously, and there are a lot of things, yes, things (that's as detailed as it's going to get) going on. We are on our way to California next week. And I can guarantee there will be tons of twitter updates, FB photo uploads and perhaps a slue of picture heavy blogs to come.

For the most part, we'll be camped out at Andy's parents house on the hill, enjoying some San Miguel heat and family fun for a week, yes, a week. I'm looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing, so if you're around, come out and visit me. Most likely I'll be in the pool, lounging with a book, taking a nap, eating something, or playing Wii with 10 little kids and their parents, along with doing 'nothing'. It's going to be a blast.

We aren't checking bags, just carrying on, so I've been planning my suitcase packing for some time now. Luckily, with my hair short, the supplies I'll need can be at a minimum, plus I'll be bringing lots of bobby pins and headbands to make it easier. Shoes are the one things that always cause a hic-up in packing light for me. I'm trying to figure out if I can sneak a pair into Andy's bag somewhere.

One nice thing about traveling with a man is that it's very likely he won't utilize his 1-quart size bag of liquids, so I can put manly looking bottles in his carry-on that are filled with girly items.

I'm very happy in the difficult yet necessary task of choosing what books to bring along for the trip as well. So far I think I'll be able to keep it at a minimum. One long form novel (thanks Heidi!), and one book of short stories from the most amazing female writer of all time. I'll pick up 2 magazines in the airport, a tradition - Nylon and People or US Weekly whichever looks more intriguing, and I'll be set with every possible reading need met.

Here's to 3 flights from Eugene to SLO with carryon baggage only, airport food for breakfast and lunch, and a purse filled with things to occupy. At least it's summertime so I'll be able to wear easy shoes to take off and put on, which coincidentally would have taken up the most room in my bag, so double score.

I thought about it so I wrote it

2009-07-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

A friend just called, I won't say who cause it's their news not mine to share, but she called to tell me they just found out they're pregnant. She called because she's my friend, but also, she called because she knows we've been trying to get pregnant and she wanted me to hear it from her first.

For them it was a surprise. They already have children and weren't planning anymore anytime soon. I am thrilled for them, obviously, and I'm a little surprised that I'm not sad for me. Of course I would love to be pregnant with a friend, and we all know I have had many friends over the past year become pregnant and my wish has always been to share this experience with a friend, so this would have been great. But I'm happy and that's it. That's where the feelings stop. There isn't anything else there. No regret, no sadness, no frustration, no worry, no jealousy, no self pity. Just happy for them and content with me. I like this place I'm in.

(minus 10 and counting)

Thoughts from others The culture that surrounds religion

2009-07-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

I feel like Disneyfied Christianity is all about magic words and easy solutions to life. If you say this one prayer, you'll know eternal happiness. If you keep the main thing the main thing, you'll find the answer to your problem. If a magic prayer is the only thing you need to find eternal peace, why would anyone NOT say the magic word? - Meredith

I think, like in everything, there are exceptions but if you are asking for a generalization I'd say Christian Culture in America is more of an emotionally driven self help group than a following of Biblical truth. - Summer

What I think would be interesting to know is what percentage of Christians would look at your list and say, "Oh yeah, I was so there, but I'm not anymore." Then you look at their lives and think, "Oh yes you are." - Tucker

The culture that surrounds religion To clarify where I'm coming from

2009-07-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

If you're reading on FB I'd love for you to take the single click to come over to the blog to finish reading the post and especially if you're interested in commenting so we can all be on the same page as it were. Click the 'view original post' link below. You don't have to sign up for anything, you can comment as an 'anonymous' poster, but please sign your name at the bottom so we can keep the discussion clear and know who's talking to who.

*********************************************

Who I am and where I came from. That's a tall order no matter who you are. But in the comment section of the last post a good point was brought up (thanks Katie). Are all these 'rumors' about big churches or the christian culture in America legit, or are they a bit heightened, or have they been fairytale-d? I know that from the outside looking in, a lot of things christians do seem strange to the non-christian. But in America we have quite the different take on what a christian looks like compared to the rest of the world (or biblical christianity or historical christianity for that matter). Those are the things I'd like to discuss.

The blogs I pointed to in the last post again, are helpful tools. But let's talk less about what everyone else has experienced and more about where I'm coming from, being the author and leading a discussion, I want to be up front about where I've been and where I'm headed. Do not think that everything in my, 'where I grew up' list is bad or wrong or even things I disagree with. I hope that will be established in future posts, as will my 'where I'm headed' list. This is simply, how I grew up and what I was immersed in. In a list, cause lists are the best. You can ask for clarification if necessary.

Where I grew up - off the top of my head
I've included examples when I felt it would help clarify.
(in no particular order, the numbers are just for keeping track or if you have questions).

1. In a christian home, prayer before meals and bedtime, bible stories, my brother and I raised to treat one another as a gift from God and the bible basics throughout our young lives.

2. attending Assembly of God, Foursquare, Calvary Chapel - evangelical, typically charismatic churches.

3. Speaking in tongues or a prayer language. The Wikipedia page defines it as:
Glossolalia or speaking in tongues is the vocalizing of fluent speech-like syllables, often as part of religious practice. Some consider these utterances to be meaningless, others consider them to be a holy language.

4. attending weekly youth group and girls bible studies, years of summer and winter camps, plus various 'youth conventions'

5. on a drama ministry team

6. prayer included - laying hands, speaking in tongues, a prayer chain, casting out demons, raising hands, emotional intercession, kneeling or laying on the ground

7. wore a bracelet with different colored beads each one represented a part of the salvation message to help with witnessing (before wwjd hit the market), and I wore a purity ring

9. at church included - everything from #6 the 'prayer list' and waving flags, emotional worship with hands raised, crying and laughing in the spirit, tent revivals, prophetic speakers

10. spent time as a missionary in Africa, Asia and Australia

11. was a Youth Leader/Camp counselor and led various youth bible studies and home groups

12. I sang on the worship team

13. listened entirely to christian music until I bought my own car at 16 and had a radio

14. didn't watch rated R movies. My first one (and only one for a long time) was Schindler's List.
I watched in when network television aired it un-cut in February of 1997. I had just turned 17 years old. (As I researched when this aired on NBC, I was seriously shocked when I typed the words, I had just turned 17, I could've sworn I was more like 14. Guess this proves my sheltered and naivety once and for all.)

15. The thief in the night movie series about the end times was influential to say the least.

16. I didn't swear, ever. Okay of course I did, but only in moments of passion, not in conversation. And still, I don't think I uttered the F word openly in public until after I turned 18, and it certainly didn't become a part of my vocabulary at all until after I got married at 20.

Side story: I was recently at a table read for a new script and I it was my job to read aloud the direction notes. I came across the line, 'it was f**king mesmerizing' and I read it aloud as, 'it was effing mesmerizing'. It got a laugh from the room. But that wasn't ten years ago, that was Tuesday, so this is me, now.

As you can see, most of my experience with this cultural christianity was as a youth (I moved away during my 21st year). But in churches today, the youth culture is what informs the eventual adult culture and often the pursuits of a church as a whole.

In this culture there is a high emphasis on looking, sounding, acting like a christian, and the minor emphasis, although it is present, is on 'getting right with god', having an 'active prayer life' and we are told to 'be authentic', but how are these things taught, what does that look like? It is often an outward expression without an inner foundation.

To sum up. For me christianity and the culture I was immersed in had a lot to do with the outward actions as proof of the inner religious piaty... Now my christianity is less about how I speak - christian-ese - or what I do - action based religiousness - and more about my inward pursuit of righteousness.

But that's just me. Any questions?

Part 2: The culture that surrounds religion Defining Christian culture

2009-07-10T23:42:00.000-07:00

Before I really begin I'd like to clarify what our friends said about our christianity (see previous post for context):

I'd say "more thought out"/"more rational", something like that maybe. I'm sure if I had a few drinks in me I could find something more eloquent. A. French

I'll begin this series with my definition of 'Christian culture' in America. Then I'd like to hear what people think and have some help defining this term before moving on. I hope everyone that ever reads my blog knows that I am a student at heart and hope to nudge others toward a spirit of learning with me. I look forward to an open dialog.

For a rundown that takes no effort from me, check out these two blogs (granted there is some cynicism involved in these blogs, but never the less, there are some good descriptions of how this culture is played out day to day)

Stuff Christians Like
Stuff Christian Culture Likes

A note to my readers. I am not judging the merit of the following things in your life specifically. If one of the things on the list below resonates with you and is a true expression of your belief then more power to you. I am simply stating the fads, the cultural representation of what it is to be a "christian" in America.

Christians in America have a way of defining themselves as Christians. It often doesn't have much to do with the pursuit of the existential, but more to do with proving, in an instant, they are followers of Christ, a bumper sticker, a <>< fish at the end of an email, a wwjd bracelet, a purity ring...These things are culturally important but hold no biblical significance, and yet these are the things that are supposed to define us?

The use of Christian-ese: The language christians use in conversations that identify their christianity with words leaving less need for actions
Examples: I'll be praying for you, Signing a letter In His Service or IHS or any other numerous spiritual salutations, calling the prayer chain, referring to a quiet time. It is a verbiage and a language all their own.

Dear readers, at this point I want to express how difficult this is. It's Very Difficult. The last thing I want to do with this series is come across as though I'm poking fun at these cultural behaviors. Rather I want to draw a contrast between what we as a nation think Christianity should look, sound, and act like, and what the bible actually says we should look, sound, and act like.

I want this series to be less about the action and more about the character of the inward pursuits and motivation behind these actions. Christians can be very sincere in these pursuits, and they can also be very insincere. Again, my point is not to judge any one individual, but the culture as a whole as compared to the cultural change that christianity has undergone.

I think it's time I open the concepts I've introduced for discussion. I'd also be interested to hear in a nutshell how you define American christianity. (I know I'm asking a lot, as you can see this was very difficult for me to do and I only brought up two such cultural aspects of American christianity, but we can all work on baby steps.)

So let's do this, I'm so ready for some additional insight.

Part 1: The culture that surrounds religion

2009-07-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Recently I've found it difficult to talk about my christianity. I feel like every time I express how it is different from the christianity I grew up with people just say, 'oh, totally, me to' without so much as another thought.

One friend - you know who you are - asked us if we would consider being her kids' godparents...this heavy question was followed with the statement (correct me if I'm wrong) that out of the chrisitian beliefs they were both brought up with, or the culture they were used to associating with christianity, ours didn't seem the same, for lack of a better description. And obviously, they liked that.

Andy's the one that has the knowledge, the schooling, the terms and the philosopher reading under his belt. Me? I study slowly, listen intently, ask questions, and sometimes I simply trust and do that thing that's so overused in the culture - have faith.

I leave this post as part 1. I am leaving to go to a home group of sorts to watch 'Lord save us from your followers' I assume these thoughts were running through my head today because of the inevitable conversations that will happen tonight after we watch this documentary...but either way I think when I do come back I'll have much more to say on the christian culture subject. So, stay tuned??

I have the need to read

2009-07-08T18:09:00.000-07:00

I found some great books to read this summer, but I need more and a friend just put out the word on her blog for book suggestions and I figured, my readers are all smart individuals, I wonder what kind of awesome recommendations I'd get from them. There aren't any parameters, just give me a bit of a description or why you like it, etc so I have a little to go on. Trust me, I'm into a lot of different books. So.

Books for reading. Go.

Blatent Promotion

2009-07-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

So it's been a little bit heavy, thick, drenched in existential realization on the blog recently and I thought it was time for a photo or two, cause everyone likes looking at pretty pictures right?

I recently became a photographer for an afternoon. Now I know all my real photographer friends may get offended by that statement, but I'm sorry, I love it. If I could, I might ask people to pay me to take their picture one day, but right now I have neither the time, nor the money to indulge in an expensive hobby. So anyways. I borrowed my friend's digital Canon slr and went to town in the basement of our favorite institution.

Here is a sneak preview of what I collaborated on with Science Heroes. To see more check out their blog, myspace, facebook, or better yet, the music section of a newspaper or magazine near you.

Bam!

A cliche' can sometimes have merit

2009-07-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

I've done a lot of reflecting lately, as if you couldn't tell. One of the things I've learned is that the cliche' really is true: honesty (really) is the best policy.

I'm not talking about the kind of honesty that happens when someone calls you out, or when you're caught in a lie. I'm not talking about the kind that is shocking or controversial cause you 'went there'. I'm talking about the kind that hurts. The kind that refines you. The kind that can begin with a confrontation.

But another thing I've realized, not everyone likes this kind of honesty.

Just a warning to people that know me. I'm not so timid anymore. If I am wronged, if I am hurt, if we're talking about it behind a closed door when we should be talking about it in the family room, I will say so. This is loving. This is honesty.

Why walk through life with a chain of hurt around your neck? Why carry frustration like a basin on your head?

Of course being confronted by someone is difficult, and being the one to confront is difficult too. But how often can a comment someone makes or a phrase someone types online be misconstrued, misunderstood? I'd wager somewhere in the 'a lot' range.

One reason I want to be someone that is truly honest is because I want those around me to be truly honest with me. If honesty is given out of love, to heal a broken relationship, to further a friendship, to encourage another person, to refine, then although it may be difficult, it is necessary.

Honesty isn't something to shy away from. True honesty is freeing, and better yet true honesty is an amazing way to refine our character.

To be or not to be pregnant

2009-07-05T22:42:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about something. Pregnancy

3 Things.

1. No we're not
2. Yes we'd like it if we were
3. Yes we'd be happy if we weren't

There have been a lot of years and a lot of changes in our marriage, nine of the former, hundreds of the latter. One of them has been the issue of whether or not to have a child.

Many things ruled the decision not to have children. If you know me or have read this blog for any number of months you know the biggest reason was the loss of our first child while we were pregnant eight years ago and the pain and fear that resulted in this loss.

That decision was then coupled with the fact that Andy was in school and our best friends were also married without children. (Two couple without children makes for many spontaneous moments).

Well. During the past three years all of these things have changed. The grieving and feelings of loss had turned to peace and the pain and fear was gone. Andy had graduated and we bought our first house and our best friend's marriage ended in a divorce.

Yes, everything had changed.

During this same time I felt a desire to be a mother. I knew I wouldn't be the same mother I would've been eight years ago, and it made me that much happier with the idea. I was happy in my marriage and loved my husband more than I ever had and I was happy thinking of loving him as he was a father to our child. Basically, nature was calling my name, and the name I heard was, mother.

I don't like people that do things half-ass, so obviously I don't want to do anything half-ass either. So, I dove in to research of natural family planning and fertility awareness, and I educated myself. I stopped taking the occasional drag off a cigarette, I decreased my consumption of caffeine and alcohol, I cared about what I was eating and took my vitamins....and I became obsessed with making a baby.

My frustration set in as that ONE day out of the month came and went. The egg dropped. The sperm swam and then 12 days later, the period began. Perfectly on time, like clockwork. Like no effort had been made at all. Month after month, after month. The sad part in all this was instead of my pursuit being love toward my husband, it was to make a baby, (like I said, I was obsessed after all).

When I realized that, something changed again. Me. My heart. My desires.

You see, for me it isn't about fulfilling some biblical commandment, it isn't about finding my self-worth in being a mother or raising an amazing person that will grow up to change the world.

If I have a child, I don't want their first 18 years of life to be lived under some umbrella of my purpose in life, or my desire to fulfill some missing piece of me. If I have a child it will be because someone wiser than me thinks it's what's best, just as he thought it was best that he take our first son before he took his first breath.

It's about trust. Trust in a creator that knows best. And knowing that whichever way it turns out I'll be happy and fulfilled - either way. For real.

p.s. Don't worry, if it happens I'll let you know.

Just see the tags before you decide to read it

2009-06-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

*Beware it's a blog with adult content*

I just got done with a shower after a hard afternoon working in the yard. It's so beautiful now, I'm ready to have 50 people come over for a bbq. No, we're not having a bbq. I'm too dang tired.

In the shower, as is the place this always happens, I thought what I would say to my kid, if I had a kid, about sex.

Now let me preface by stating two things.

No, I am not pregnant. Yes, I wish I were.

That second one might be a shock to some of you but I think for the sake of this blog you should just forget I even said that.

So sex. I was a teenager once and so were you, and frankly so were all parents, right? And when we were teenagers we had friends and sometimes even friends of the opposite sex, so we all know what teenagers are like, right? So why is it so hard for parents to understand that telling your kid to, "just say no" isn't enough? Why is telling a teenager to use a condom so wrong?

Let's lay it all out on the table shall we?

When I was a teenager there was no way I was letting my boyfriend get near my who-ha. No way under the blue sky. If you had told me to make him wear a condom I would have listened, packed it away into the information-I-don't-need-right-now-box and saved it for the day when my girl friend told me she was thinking about having sex with her boyfriend.

But that was me. I didn't watch rated R movies, I didn't use the F word, I didn't kiss a boy who wasn't already my boyfriend. I wasn't better than anyone, that was just who I was and I liked me.

But when I got engaged, oh man. When I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams and that he was going to love me forever....well let's just say this 'good girl' had a really difficult f-ing time keeping the gift tied up till the wedding night, a really, really difficult time.

So of course I can imagine what it's like for two young teenagers that swear they're in love and going to stay together forever, or maybe they don't care about keeping their gift packaged up for 'the one'. If they haven't been educated with anything else except for DON'T, well they have sex, without a condom. And sometimes, sometimes they make a baby.

So if I have a daughter she's going to be educated about her cycle and when it's possible for her to get pregnant. And if I have a son, he's going to be educated on a girl's cycle too. But mostly what I'm going to tell him is, even though God gave the woman the gift to carry the child, God gave him the more difficult gift of being able to make a baby any second any day of the week, so wrap it up. Cause if you can make a baby ANYTIME regardless of the day of the month, than honey it's ultimately your responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen.

So now how many of you think I should be a mom, huh?

NoiseTrade Widget

2009-06-27T19:09:00.001-07:00

A blog about a video game

2009-06-27T18:38:00.000-07:00

So last night after work the moment Andy picked me up we started our date night. He was up for anything so I suggested shopping. It's been ages since we've gone shopping for things on the list, you know the list, the one that isn't things you need, like toilet paper, they are things you want, like a new nike plus sensor.

After I bought a new nike + sensor, we went to Target to get something off the need list, a new french press (yes I need coffee every morning) and we walked out with something off the want list. EA Sports Active for the Wii
I heard about this from someone I work with, not someone from my work, cause I would have just said McKenzie or Jayson, so an associate I guess? Anyways, I thought it would be fun. We haven't splurged on the Wii board yet, maybe after the new one comes out we will. But I thought this would be a nice ease into it sort of thing...

We got home and as the man made dinner, I worked out. With a video game. It was insane. After like 5 minutes I figured out I wasn't dressed appropriately. I didn't bother to put on a sports bra, cause, um, I figured it's not going to be that crazy. Yeah, I was wrong. It was that crazy.

I loved it. Seriously loved it. And today I'm sore, sore from working out with a video game. I seriously can't get over the crazy of that sentence. Beyond that I'll leave you with a number that in the coming weeks and months will only grow bigger. 7