The Erin Experiment

Stepmom Product Reviews

2009-11-13T09:39:00.000-06:00

While I know most people come to this blog for Stepmom advice, I can't help myself sometimes when I tell people about products, books, services, etc. that sweep me off my feet.

I'm a hard woman to woo, so when I find something I like, I tend to want to tell the world about it. Given I have a publishing platform and the ability to string words into sentences, I'm going my powers for good and let my blog friends know about things I've found that I feel like they might want to do too.

Consider this page your one stop shop for things I've reviewed or have gotten excited about. The more I get excited, the more I'll add so come back as often as you want.

Products

Stores

Marshalls

Books

Do you have something you'd like me to review? Send me an email

Another Erin Fashion Pick: The Work Bag

2009-11-13T09:07:00.000-06:00

As you may recall from my post, Keeping up with the Fashionista Stepdaughter, I have an added benefit (or is it a curse?) of having a really fashion forward stepdaughter right down the hall from me.

Her fashion sense comes in handy when I need help accessorizing my wardrobe or when I've grown tired of my look and could use a new set of eyes in my otherwise dark, drab closet.

The side effect of having the fashionista in the house is that it makes it tougher to let yourself get away with looking, how can I say it delicately...Boring

While I'm not trying to compete with my stepdaughter for the coveted title of best dressed lady of the house, I do like finding pieces that make me feel more refined and sophisticated (you know, more like a grown up Mom-like person as opposed to a kid pretending to be a parent).

Because of this urge I have to feel more like a grown up these days, I welcome (with open arms of course) the gift card that the lovely folks at Marshall's have sent me so that I can have some fun on their dime.

My latest purchase was this incredibly cool mock crock work bag. I had been sporting a back pack up until I received the gift card. I didn't really intend to buy a bag when I got to my local Marshall's, but this one just screamed at me. PICK ME UP ERIN!!!!! YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A GROWN UP NOW!!!!

I have to admit, at a $24.99, the bag has paid for itself already. Not only has it inspired me to pare down to just a wristlet that fits in the bag (as opposed to a big purse in addition to my bag), but it also looked stunning and awesome as I carried it to several coffee shops in San Francisco last week as I looked for a place to work. I heart my classy looking work bag.

I'd like to thank Marshalls and the lovely woman that got me the gift card for helping me find my way into grownupland. Given my stepdaughter's proclivity for all things name brand and fashionable, I have a feeling the folks at my local Marshalls are going to be seeing a lot of me this Christmas!

and a hush fell over the blog

2009-11-10T23:00:00.000-06:00

It's Tuesday night and I have yet to write anything on this blog this week. At some point in the past few days, I've felt like a blogging failure. What kind of bloggess doesn't reach out and write to their peers?

A sick one, that's who.

I went to visit my husband in San Francisco last week and during the trip came down with a nasty cough and sore throat which has sucked my will to live, write and exercise. Needless to say, when it comes to my blog versus my health, my health is always going to win out.

So I leave you with one of my favorite pictures from my trip last week. My husband and I spent the day driving around the San Francisco area, the California Coast and Sonoma Valley. On our way back to the hotel, we parked and took advantage of the fabulous weather by walking across the Golden Gate bridge. It was a great walk (particularly when you factor in the fact that I was having difficulty breathing and had a horrible stomachache) and made for some amazing pictures.

I promise to write more about my trip and all things Stepmom when my health returns to normal. But for now, I just need to take a nap.

Great Resources for Stepmoms

2009-11-06T12:40:00.003-06:00

I consider myself one of the luckiest Stepmoms on earth. I not only get along with my stepkids' mom, I also have an extremely awesome group of Stepmoms I consider my friends. I've termed them the "Stepmom Posse."

The Stepmom Posse is made up of PhD's, authors, hoping-to-be authors, yoga instructors and as well as many other women who are along side me in the quest to debunk the wicked myths about being a Stepmom.

In addition to the Posse, there are numerous other women, sites and communities available that Stepmoms can turn to for support or just to meet other moms like them. I'm listing a few on this post. I'll add more as I find them or they become available. Please email me if you see I've left something off the list.

Magazines
Stepmom Magazine
http://www.stepmommag.com/

ReMarriage Magazine
http://www.remarriagemag.com

Coaches
Coaching Steps
http://www.coachingsteps.com/info/claudettesblog.com

Communities
Stepchicks
http://www.stepchicks.com

Enlightened Stepmothers Group
http://www.facebook.com/enlightenedstepmoms

Blended Family Soap Opera
http://www.blendedfamilysoapopera.com

Blogs/Sites

The Erin Experiment
http://www.erinexperiment.com

Stepmom's Toolbox
http://thestepmomstoolbox.com/

Amygdala thoughts
http://amygdalathoughts.blogspot.com

hErDIng sQUirReLs
http://herdingsquirrels.com/

The Wifezilla Diaries
http://thewifezilladiaries.com

Stepalicious
http://stepalicious.com/

Becoming a Stepmom
http://www.becomingastepmom.com

Stepmother's Milk
http://www.stepmothersmilk.com

0Ihssan0's blog
http://0ihssan0.blogspot.com/

Stepmama Metamorphoses
http://stepmamastory.blogspot.com/

The Wee Hamlet
http://www.theweehamlet.blogspot.com

Stepmother Revolution
http://stepmotherrevolution.blogspot.com/

Amour Fati -- Love your Fate
http://www.amourfati.blogspot.com

Wednesday Martin, Author of Stepmonster
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog/

A Stepmom's Playground
http://steplayground.wordpress.com/

Stepfamily Sanctuary
http://www.stepfamilysanctuary.com

Confessions of a Mad Professor
http://confessionsofamadprofessor.blogspot.com

Not So Wicked Stepmom
http://www.notsowickedmom.blogspot.com/

Stepmom in the Kitchen
http://www.stepmominthekitchen.blogspot.com

Maratre Joyeuse (Happy Stepmom)
http://maratrejoyeuse.wordpress.com/

Confused musings of a Stepmother on the edge!
http://www.labellemereuk.blogspot.com/

Wonderful World of Stepmotherhood
http://step-motherhood.blogspot.com/

Confessions of Wicked Stepmom
http://wickedsteppiesconfessions.blogspot.com/

Dad's Second Whatever
http://www.dadssecondwhatever.blogspot.com

Not So Wicked Stepmom
http://wickedstepparent.blogspot.com/

Eyes Wide Open
http://witheyeswideopen2.blogspot.com

Meggans A Mom
http://www.meggansamom.com

Suddenly Stepmom
http://suddenlystepmom.blogspot.com/

The Evil Step Mom
http://theevilsm.blogspot.com

Amburglar
http://www.amburgular.blogspot.com

Step in the Trenches
http://stepinthetrenches.blogspot.com/

Stepmomming
http://stepmomming.com/

More than you ever really wanted to know about the Erin behind the Experiment

2009-11-05T13:22:00.000-06:00

I'm a list whore. It doesn't matter what, where or when, if I'm idle it usually means I'm usually making a list somewhere in my head, on my iPhone or on actual paper.

Because it is no where near my 34th birthday and because I'm sick in a hotel room right now, it seemed only appropriate for me to rattle off a list of 33 things about me you may, or may not, have ever wanted to know. Feel free to ask me more although I'm pretty sure by the end of this list you'll know me better than my husband, my mother and my gynocologist.

I am a Stepkid as well as a Stepmom. I attribute nearly all of my rockin' good Stepmom'img skills to my Mom and Stepdad. My mom showed me how to be a caring person; my Stepdad showed me how to be a great stepparent.
I can be a cold-hearted bitch at the most inopportune times.
I'm a cynical romantic
I don't like babies. I have been pregnant once but never carried to full term.To this day, I can't stand being around any baby younger than 6 months.
I have two younger siblings that are 18 years younger than I am.
I think I love my stepchildren more than they love me.
I've never been arrested, but I've helped my Mom avoid a speeding ticket
My favorite food is Pizza
My favorite restaurant is Chipotle Mexican Grill
My favorite cartoon is South Park
I loathe ignorant people and laziness
I have serious road rage issues
I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which often leaves me running for a bathroom at the most inconvenient times.
I love sex.
I lost my virginity when I was 23 to a guy I can barely remember and whom I met in an AOL chat room
I have my black garter "belt" in pole dancing from my local pole dancing studio.
I'm not in pole dance "performer" shape, but I still love to grind the pole and do as many tricks as I can.
I have a great rack which I love to show off
Tequila will make me do just about anything
When I get drunk, I get flirty which pisses my husband off to no end.
When I'm arguing with my husband or stepkids, I pack a suitcase so that I can leave at a moment's notice if I need or want to.
I like being alone yet I hate being lonely
I fill my emotional voids by eating
I love Oreos and leftover lasagna (but not together)
My favorite movie is the Wizard of Oz
I used to equate a happy marriage with long naps together on cold days; now I consider marriage happy if the couple is managing to speak to one another civilly
I'm writing a memoir about love, marriage and stepfamilyhood
I'm not religious and I don't believe in God; I do believe in Buddha
My husband and I have an unusual marriage. He doesn't believe in unconditional love or that the woman is always right. Similarly, I don't believe he's my soul mate or that we'll spend our golden years together hand in hand. (More like locked in debates about finances or politics)
I sometimes hate my husband's travel schedule, but I realize it gives me plenty of time to be alone and do things I like to do around the house which I like more than having him home.
I consider myself a single stepmom
I believe there's a special place in heaven for people like me
I hate quitting, admitting I'm wrong and giving up just because it's easy

Graphic: Bruno Maia, IconTexto, http://www.icontexto.com

Commenting on The Erin Experiment Blog

2009-11-05T12:38:00.002-06:00

It's been almost two weeks since I received my first negative blog comment. In those two weeks, I've had some time to look inward and contemplate why I felt so angry by the poster's opinion. Other than the fact that I'd already had a few blows to my Stepmom psyche that week, I also determined that I take most anti-Stepmom sentiments personally.

I've always been a "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade" person so the negative comment prompted me to establish a commenting policy for my blog. Being a personal blog, it's in the best interest of my sanity to have a policy.

The Erin Experiment Blog Commenting Policy*

All comments are moderated.
Comments will not be censored for opinion; however, any comments containing the following will be removed from the site: are solicitations and/or advertising for spam sites; are posted with specific malicious intention to provoke other commenters; contain racist, sexist or homophobic slurs.
Any commenters that are considered abusive, off-topic or libelous are subject to having their IP address banned from the site.
Links to other websites are encouraged; however, any links that appear to contain pornographic materials or are spam will not be allowed.
Any commenters that feel a previous comment is inflammatory or abusive should e-mail me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com
Likewise, if anyone has a comment they'd like to express but don't wish to publish it in the public forum of the comments section can e-mail me at the same address.

Adapted from the Huffington Post

Icon by http://dryicons.com

Religion and Stepkids: Heaven or Hell?

2009-11-04T05:00:00.003-06:00

The other day, while driving home from a doctor's appointment, my stepkids and I got into a conversation about Heaven and Hell.

My stepkids are Catholic. They go to religious education classes with their mom, cousins, and other grandkids, etc.

My husband is an atheist. He believes in the flying spaghetti monster (FSM) while I am spiritual but not religious. I believe there's something bigger than me but I can't say it's a thing called God. I've been to vacation bible school and just about every kind of religious worshiping place there is during my 33 years on earth. I'd like to think I know enough to be helpful but not dangerous.

I can't remember how the conversation started, but I do remember my stepson, who is 8, saying he was going to where the devil is because he hasn't always been a 100% perfectly behaved boy.

My response to him was tender but spiritually honest: "Personally, I believe Heaven and Hell are places we create as living beings and when we die, the kinds of lives we've lived will be the kind of Heaven or Hell we live in after we die."

It wasn't scientific, but I was driving in the pouring rain and their Dad wasn't around.

Now I see by the kids' mom's Facebook posts that my stepson has been asking more questions about Heaven and Hell. In fact, when I mentioned something about Hell on Halloween, he seemed scared and told me he didn't want to talk about it.

So now I'm scared. I personally don't think I'm going to Stepmom Hell, but did I mess up by imparting my own opinion on my Catholic Stepkids? I know my husband would want me to encourage them to think critically which is why I told them about my own belief. My stepdaughter seemed to appreciate my individual approach to the afterlife, but my stepson was -- and still seems -- scared.

I've never grown up particularly religious. When my mom and Father divorced, I swore my Mom and I visited every kind of house of worship there was before settling on spirituality. I've never understood or agreed with the notion that I needed to be at a certain place at a certain time to communicate with a deity. That's just not how I roll.

There are so many other times I cross the Stepmom/Bio-Parent line because of our living situation that I can't tell if I am now going to Hell or not because of what I told my stepson.

Any descenters or agreeers? Am I going to hell in a hand basket now?

Ask Erin: How much is too much when it comes to chores with my stepkids?

2009-11-03T11:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Erin,
I would like to sit down with my husband this weekend and work on a chore sheet for my stepkids. I'm getting tired of being the "maid" of the house and not having any help. How many chores is too many for an 8 year old?
Signed,
Tired Stepmom

Dear Tired,
I ask myself this question nearly every day. The kids are with me from the time they get home from school (and when I pick up the youngest) until their mom gets them around 7 p.m. As part of the House Rules, homework is to be accomplished first; then chores second; then if the kids have time to watch t.v. or play on the computer they're free to do so.

Getting the kids to do their chores has taken some work. But then again, I know it took a lot of work for my own stepdad to get me to do my chores. Even at 14, I hated that I had to do them so I guess I have to remember that won't change, especially for my 13 and 8 year old.

A lot of people will tell you that for every chore chart you have, you should also have a rewards chart. In some ways, I agree with this. I think it's important for kids to not feel like slaves, but I also feel like kids -- step or not -- should remember everyone has responsibilities in the house, not just them. If we all needed a rewards chart based on what we did around the house, then Stepmoms would probably always be in spas while Dads spent their days in their man caves.

Here are a few ideas on how to get kids to do chores around the house:

Make a list of chores that need to be done around the house. From cleaning the windows to sweeping the floors to putting away laundry, make it a long enough list so that you, your stepkids and your spouse can divvy things up.
Divvy up the chores, letting your stepkid(s) choose what chores they want to do but make sure everyone gets equal numbers of chores. If they get a choice, it will seem less like the wicked witch told them they had to work for their supper.
Write the chores down and post them in a public space. We have several copies of our chore chart around the house -- in the kitchen, upstairs near the bedrooms, in the laundry room.
If you and the kids' mom get along, you can always work on a chore chart together. The chore chart we have in our house was actually based off of what the kids' mom has them doing at her house. We kept things consistent across both houses.
If you and the kids' mom don't get along, make sure your husband knows the chores are a major issue and this is a boundary you're setting for your own sanity. If he shrugs or says he can't change anyone, then reconsider the marriage (I'm just sayin')
Use allowance. Some people disagree with this measure, but I've always found the power of money will woo people into doing just about anything.
When in doubt, start small and let the kid(s) see you doing chores too. Ask polietely if they'll help you with something (like taking the trash out while you're making dinner). Make sure you say thank you and let them know that was helpful to you. I remember when I was a young stepkid, what I hated was feeling like the family slave. What made me want to do more chores was a) allowance and b) when I felt like I was appreciated.

Any other suggestions for our dear reader? Feel free to comment below.
Also, if you have a question you'd like to have asked, you can email me at erin [at] erinexperiment [dot] com

Dr. Phil show looking for Questions about Stepmom/Mom Conflict

2009-11-01T10:17:00.000-06:00

Ladies,
Are you a little bummed you couldn't make it onto the Dr. Phil show? Well, don't despair. The show is now taking questions from the audience.

According to Jennifer, the show would now like to instead focus on taking questions from both moms and stepmoms in the audience. If you live in or around Los Angeles, head on over to the Dr. Phil website and sign up to be in the audience.

The producers are also looking for questions to be submitted by video, so you can ask from anywhere!

If anyone is interested in attending the show and asking a question or submitting a video, they can either contact the show (http://www.drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=9164) with the subject "STEPMOM/MOM CONFLICT - 11/3/09" in the subject line.

You can also send Jennifer an e-mail at marine2marine@gmail.com and she will pass it along to the producer.

If you make it on the show, let us know so we can watch!

Stepmoms and Bio-Moms that Don't Get Along: Appear on Dr. Phil

2009-10-27T14:21:00.000-05:00

Carol and Jennifer Marine of No One's the Bitch fame have the opportunity to be on the Dr. Phil show next Tuesday and are doing a pre-interview with a producer today. They're looking for two stepmom/mom sets of women who can't stand each other who are willing to be on the show with us on Tuesday, Nov. 3rd. If the show/they can't come up with an unhappy counterpart to Jennifer and Carol then they can't be on either! Needless to say, they're trying to find someone as soon as possible.

From Jennifer:
"I know the idea of baring your soul (and neck) on national television is kind of scary, but it's a real chance at creating some movement and understanding in this relationship, and could potentially help a lot of folks as they vicariously share the experience. Mom and stepmom participants would have the opportunity to get some focused help from him... and us! Also, hotel and airfare for the trip would be covered by the show."

It sure would feel great to help contribute to a breakthrough between people -- these relationships can be so painful and fraught, and yet, when you finally make a connection, so incredibly healing and supportive too. Think about it.... The benefits of a more cooperative relationship between stepmoms and moms, even if it's simply more of a business arrangement, include:

a cohesive set of rules between the houses so that the children can't manipulate the adults, escape consequences
stronger, more stable marriages with less gossiping, venting, negative focus
better parenting; more brainstorming and support from the people who know the kids best
happier children who have more of a contained “nest” for them
less stress for everyone all around

With an almost 75% divorce rate for stepfamilies, and a lack of "mended relationship" models for children to internalize (and draw from later as adults), there's a lot at stake! Getting on Dr. Phil would be one way to encourage a larger dialogue.

Interested? If so, drop Jennifer Newcomb Marine a line at: marine2marine@gmail.com

New Feature! Ask Erin: Should I Start a Stepmom Blog?

2009-10-27T10:18:00.004-05:00

There's a line in Sex and the City that Samantha tells Smith Jared immediately after he's posed for an underwear ad that he's a little unsure of. It goes something along the lines of "First the gays, then the teens, then Hollywood." Soon after he's hit on at bars by guys, teen girls flock to him and Gus van Sant asks him to be in a movie.

While I'm not hoping for Hollywood stardom (although Mr.'s Columbus, Spielberg, Hanks, etc. I'd be willing to write a screenplay of my life if you want...) my blogging experience has had some similarities. First I received emails from readers and then a troll dropped in... (Not sure what's next -- maybe my own radio show or a book deal? A girl can hope!)

Save for the occasional pity pot post, I don't like to consider myself a Debbie Downer very often. I'm almost a pro at turning lemons into lemonade so I've decided to turn some of the questions I receive into a new series on the Erin Experiment.

Called Ask Erin, as you may have guessed, you send in a question and I'll do my best to answer it. In fact, I have my first question already. Yey!

Dear Erin,
I'm thinking of starting a stepmom blog. I'd like to reach out to other stepmoms like you have but I'm not sure if I should a) do it or b) what sort of "rules" (if any) I should have to protect my privacy and my family's. Any suggestions?
-- Possible Stepmom Blogger
Dear PSM --
Whether or not you choose to do a stepmom blog is obviously up to you. I've found more friends online via my blog than I ever would have in person.

If you're itching to blog but aren't sure what kind of content to post, start with what you love or know. That makes it easier to come up with posts.

If you choose to write about your stepmomhood, consider the following:

As for my blog and what I do and don't say, I've gone back and forth over what to reveal. After numerous conversations with my husband about who or what I reveal (the whole reason I am a stepmom is because of his DNA and his former marriage so I do ask for his input on some level), I've created the following blogging philosophy for myself:

I no longer reveal my entire name on the blog or URL. My Erin Experiment name was due to the blog's original intent of being my digital playground. It sort of turned into a stepmom blog once I was contemplating getting pregnant and dealing with some of life's little stepmom aggravations. By the time I bought the erinexperiment URL, it was so engrained as a The Erin Experiment that I didn't want to change the name just to put a "Stepmom" moniker in there.
I don't reveal the names of my stepchildren and try to shy away from my husband's name or specific things about them.Unless my husband brings something up in a comment (like he had recently), I tend to be very general about everyone in my family.
I also don't use monikers or pseudonyms for anyone. My real name is Erin and my husband's name is Aaron. I don't reveal my stepkids' or their mom's name at all. They are my daughter/stepdaughter; my son/stepson; kids' mom/bio-mom. I have a hard enough time keeping people's names straight in person. I don't need to add nicknames to the mix!
The only really personal things I reveal are about myself. My depression, my frustrations, etc. I don't apologize for any illness or emotions I have and I'm willing to stand up for myself if someone takes it personally.
If people want to know more about me or get to know me more, they can follow me on Twitter on friend me on Facebook or they can email me.

A few more things to consider:

Should you tell your husband about the blog? That's really up to you. My husband rarely reads my blog mostly because he doesn't want to know if I'm saying bad things about him in it which is another thing I shy away from. I know plenty of stepmom bloggers whose husbands not only don't read but don't know they even have a blog.
Should you tell your stepkids/bio-mom about the blog? Again, that's up to you. My stepkids know I blog but I'm not sure they know what it's about. I don't even think they've been to the site. I'm not even sure if their mom knows I blog about being a stepmom. I tend to keep it hidden from them for my own sanity.
What if I have something I really want to talk about but don't use real names or don't want to reveal too much? I highly advise using the "I know somebody who...." or "There's someone in my life who..." approach. I've used it on my own blog many times -- a lot this year, in fact. Either that or be incredibly general. If you've read this blog most of this year, you'll know I've been writing about a stepkid who has a health condition. Or I'll write about the Husband and that he travels for work.
What about trolls or mean comments? Honestly, I've been writing this for almost 3 years and I just received my first troll this weekend and I'm fairly certain I know how she found me (for the record, I'm fairly certain it was from a comment I left on the Stepfamily Letter Project in response to a commentor's need to grow up. I think the original commenter was my troll.) Regardless, you'll probably have thick skin already from being a stepmom, so it helps when it comes to blogging. It's all up to you on how much you reveal and how you "market" your blog. Most Stepmom bloggers tend to be in the same circles and we rarely say mean things to one another because we know how difficult it can be to be a stepmom.
How me should I be? Again, entirely up to you. The Erin you read on this blog is as Erin as you'll get. I'm as goofy and emotional in real life as I am on the blog. I'm also as stubborn and intelligent. Also, I know my entire family (other than my steps and kids' mom) read me which is sort of daunting and almost embarrassing, but oh well. My mother in law, mom, 15 year old sister can choose to close the post if I'm writing about my sex life or that I'm being a naughty girl but it's me and I don't apologize for for being myself....

Have a question you'd like to have answered? I can spot you some anonymity if you're not a troll! Email your Questions today!

Win a Free Copy of 'You'd Be So Pretty If...' if you sign up for Thursday's Teleclass on Self Esteem

2009-10-26T10:04:00.002-05:00

Before the big troll debacle on Saturday, I actually had a point and a contest for blog readers. Please give this a read and if you're the first to comment that you've signed up for the teleclass, I'll get your very own copy of "You'd Be So Pretty If..."

Do you want to help your daughter develop a positive body image?

Have you struggled with eating difficulties and a negative body image -- and want to ensure that your daughter doesn't experience that kind of pain?

Do you see the trouble girls face with food, eating, body image and self-esteem but aren't sure how best to connect with – and support – your own daughter around these issues?

If you've answered "yes" to any of these questions, you'll want to join Karen Schachter, MSW, for a FREE teleclass on October 29 called "The 7-Step Recipe To Connect with Your Daughter and Guide Her Toward Healthy Eating, a Strong Self-Esteem, and a Positive Body Image...(so she can live a big, full, meaningful life)."

According to Karen's registration page, on the call, you'll be able to learn:

Why you are her most important role model, and how to be a healthy role model, even if you’ve struggled with these issues yourself

How the powerful negative messages she hears from the media affect her (and how you can – and must – protect her from them)

How to shift your mindset (and hers) around food, eating and caring for your body from deprivation to true fulfillment

Two absolutely critical factors that are key to supporting a strong self-esteem in your daughter (these may surprise you!)

How supporting your daughter’s brain chemistry is key for enhancing her mood, decreasing her cravings and helping her feel satisfied and nourished

The meaning behind many food and body image struggles and how you can support her from waging war with both

How to encourage her to care for her body in loving ways

If you're the first person to leave me a comment indicating you've signed up for the teleclass, I'll send you your very own copy of Dara Chadwick's You'd Be So Pretty If... which is a book I absolutely love. I have no idea if it will even be mentioned on the teleconference but I read this book while I was in San Francisco this weekend and it left a great impression on me mostly because we, as grown women, don't realize how our words have such an impact on the young women in our lives.

Defense Against the Dark Arts

2009-10-26T07:57:00.003-05:00

As a stepmom, I've grown used to needing to expose my thick skin to deflect negative comments about my role in my family's life. From the kids' early comments, "You're not my mom!" to the comments of those not in a stepfamily, "But you're not the mom! It's not your job to be doing this, that or the other." I feel like I've heard it all.

That is until this weekend.

In a matter of 36 hours, I was on the receiving end of two comments that, had my spirit been weaker, would have depressed the hell out of me and made me want to throw in my Stepmom towel.

Comment #1: The Teacher, Friday morning
My stepdaughter's 8th grade language arts teacher had been reading Eat This, Not That to the class every day for the first quarter. As someone who has issues with food consumption, my stepdaughter was had the brains and the fortitude to not listen to the teacher tell her students that it wasn't okay for them to eat FATTENING guacamole (per the book), but she could because she was pregnant. She also went on say the same thing about a whole host of other foods.

As my stepdaughter was pouring her Raisin Bran Friday morning, she told me that Mrs. So-and-So would have told her she shouldn't be eating Raisin Bran because it's so unhealthy. I have it on good authority (good authority meaning my stepdaughter's clinically trained and licensed nutritionist) that when you're a recovering anoerexic, Raisin Bran is perfectly fine. My stepdaughter also went on to tell me she was a little nervous about the teacher's upcoming readings from the Eat This, Not That Restaurant book. Restaurants are a challenge for my recovering daughter. Having an authority figure tell her that she should or shouldn't eat something at a restaurant is where we drew the line.

My stepdaughter gave me permission to contact the teacher (with Mom's approval too) to ask that the Teacher not read that book to the class. I emailed the teacher by 9 a.m., copying my husband, kids' mom, Principal and Vice Principal, to ask that she not read the book to a room full of impressionable 13 year olds, particularly those that have the potential to turn to an eating disorder for comfort.

The teacher engaged me (copying everyone) in a few rounds of emails never once apologizing or saying she understood where we/I was coming from. What she did was continue to sound defensive that I'd questioned her curriculum. When I asked her to leave the nutrition talk to a health class or nutritionist, her response was, "I'm sorry Mrs. Erickson, you're not listed as one of ________'s parents. I can no longer talk to you about this matter. I can only talk to her parents."

As you can imagine, sparks flew. My husband, who was airborne, wasn't able to defend me, but the kids' mom sure was. She jumped in ASAP to tell the teacher not only was I allowed to talk about these matters, but I had been all along (ever since the hospitalization earlier this year).

The teacher never did respond to me after that, but the principal did tell us that in order for me to contact the school about any matters in the future, I needed to be added to a parents' database.

Comment #2: The Troll, Saturday evening
I'd just come home from taking a lapdance class on Saturday evening and was enjoying the post-sexy workout glow, when I received my first mean "troll" comment on this blog. I don't want to give this person anymore attention than they deserve, but if you want to read the troll's comment, you can check out it out on my Being a good role model... post.

You could tell the troll wasn't a step-anything but surely had a lot to say about me and my relationship with my husband, my stepkids and even my weight.

Truth to told, I was more honored than anything that this person felt so irked by my existence that she felt the need to unleash her vitriol comment. I'm pretty sure I know who it is and how they found me and should this person leave any more comments, well, let's just say they won't be published.

Thank goodness for my wonderful support system (whom my husband and I all call the Stepmom Posse) for coming to my defense against the troll. I don't know if I've ever felt more supported and loved than I have as I watched the comments roll in. From my husband to my mother in law and my other wonderful readers, I beamed every time I saw another positive comment. Each and every one of you make the harsh words worth putting up with.

I implore those non-step ladies who read this blog (if there are any) to really examine your beliefs as they pertain to stepfamilies. Would you want your daughters to be making these kinds of accusations or remarks to another human beings?

Didn't think so.

Being a good role model means connecting with our girls

2009-10-24T09:40:00.008-05:00

It's funny how life works sometimes. Just last week I was contemplating my ability to be a good role model to the young women in my life and this week I find a free teleclass titled: The 7-Step Recipe To Connect with Your Daughter and Guide Her Toward Healthy Eating, a Strong Self-Esteem, and a Positive Body Image...(so she can live a big, full, meaningful life).

Is it me or does that feel like divine intervention to you too?

I was so ecstatic to hear about the class that I signed up right away and emailed the presenter with my own story. She encouraged me to listen in and tell as many (step)mamas as I could. And so I am....

Do you want to help your daughter develop a positive body image?

Have you struggled with eating difficulties and a negative body image -- and want to ensure that your daughter doesn't experience that kind of pain?

Do you see the trouble girls face with food, eating, body image and self-esteem but aren't sure how best to connect with – and support – your own daughter around these issues?

Why you are her most important role model, and how to be a healthy role model, even if you’ve struggled with these issues yourself

How the powerful negative messages she hears from the media affect her (and how you can – and must – protect her from them)

How to shift your mindset (and hers) around food, eating and caring for your body from deprivation to true fulfillment

Two absolutely critical factors that are key to supporting a strong self-esteem in your daughter (these may surprise you!)

How supporting your daughter’s brain chemistry is key for enhancing her mood, decreasing her cravings and helping her feel satisfied and nourished

The meaning behind many food and body image struggles and how you can support her from waging war with both

How to encourage her to care for her body in loving ways

The Amazing Adventures of Stepmom and the Nomadic Dad

2009-10-21T08:31:00.002-05:00

Looking at the calendar, I can hardly believe my husband has been living the nomadic life for 8 months. He's gone from living in Seattle to San Jose to Beijing. Next week, he'll return to the States and begin working in San Francisco until Christmas.

Back home, we've adjusted fairly well. We no longer refer to nights at our house as "Dad" nights; they're now Stepmom Nights. We've replaced CNN with nightly dinner rituals of joke telling or Mad-Libbing. There's a certain comfort level around the house because we know if Dad gets mad, he's at least a thousand miles away and his bark doesn't hurt nearly as bad as his bite. Besides, when you've got two women that have been married to him to act as buffers, you know he probably won't get too angry.

But there are still moments where I, as Stepmom to this unlikely family dynamic, still get tangled up in questions on what I should or shouldn't be doing.

Because Dad is away, I've assumed the role as sole parent in our house. This doesn't mean that Dad isn't consulted or gets no say in things, but as far as day-to-day operations are concerned, I call the shots at our house.

As the kids have gotten older, their brains have gotten mushier and more forgetful. As I've gotten older -- and wiser -- I've decided to set more boundaries for the family. My boundaries equal their need to take more responsibility for their own lives. What a perfect juxtaposition of family values, eh?

Cases in point:

When one kid forgot homework at home...guess who didn't run it to school to save the day?
When one kid forgot to have something signed in order to participate in something...guess who said too bad kiddo.
When one kid forgot to bring home work home...guess who said too bad -- no getting to watch t.v. that night?

Where all of this gets tricky is that as the Stepmom, I have no legal rights to do half the stuff I do for the kids. I'm not legally supposed to sign them up for sports or sign for their medical care -- but I do because Dad isn't home.

When I mention to the kids' mom that there are consequences in our house for being forgetful, it becomes a conversation about my rules versus her beliefs. She may feel one way, but at my house -- our house -- we have a slightly different (albeit stricter ) set of boundaries and rules.

If my husband were at home, he would be the one talking to the kids' mom and telling her what we've decided at our house. Because he's not here, it's up to me to have that conversation. And let me tell you, it can feel awkward.

As for how I've reached this point -- being welcomed as "the other mom" -- you'll have to tune in tomorrow for that.

The skinny on being a good role model

2009-10-16T08:57:00.006-05:00

I think I may have reached the lowest of the low points this week. I wore Spanx underneath my Karate Gi. I wasn't trying to be snarky or cute. My dojo-required uniform pants have gotten so snug that it hurts to pull them on every Wednesday night.

After I came home from Karate and peeled off my Spanx, I vowed then and there to treat my body better than I have.

I refuse to diet. I won't crash diet or take supplements. I'll try to eat healthier and will understand that the Oreos in the pantry aren't going anywhere. I don't need to inhale them all in one night. Most importantly, I know I need to work on my Inner Erin as well as my Outer Erin if I'm going to make this work.

Immediately after the Spanx incident, I posted a Tweet that read something along the lines of: have reached lowest of the low; wearing Spanx under my Karate gi. Please send help in the form of weight loss inspiration.

I had a few responses, one of which was to read a book about taking the weight off fast and to take a supplement. I'm sure there are a lot of methods out there that people have used to lose weight and gain muscle but if I want to do this the right way, I have to do it the healthy way.

You see, someone very close to me is recovering from an eating disorder. This person is near and dear to my heart and they also look up to me as a role model.

Sometimes I'm not sure how to be a role model to this person. I have my own issues with food and body image. Where as my near-and-dear person is working on trying to eat more, I pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster every night that I can make it through the evening eating less.

It sometimes feels like a no-win situation.

I see my near-and-dear a lot and have them over to my house quite often. As part of the recovery, there can be no diet this or that in the house. In addition, there should be choices -- lots of them.

One of the things you hear about when trying to recover from an illness is that a strong support system is one of the most important factors to your recovery.

Unfortunately, with my husband gone and my family a good 20+ miles away, my support systems is purely electronic. Don't get me wrong. I love each and every person who reminds me that I can turn to them if I need support. You have no idea how loved that makes me feel.

No, what I need is the friend or spouse I can call in the middle of the night when I want to munch on a bag of Doritos. I need that person who will tell me the Doritos will just make me feel bad the next morning. I need a friendly hand-slap when I want a second helping of something sinfully delicious. I need a hotline.

I sometimes wonder if I'm being a bad role model to my near-and-dear person by not having more control over my own life. I know this person has a good support system in place and I admit, I'm envious.

I'm a grown woman with a good head on her shoulders, yet this is one of the things I can't seem to get a handle on by myself.

So I ask you my wonderful blog readers: do you have any advice for faking a support system in order to be a better role model?

A-W-E-S-O-M-E...awesome, awesome tot-tal-ly

2009-10-14T21:45:00.005-05:00

Sorry ladies and gents, I was tapping into my inner cheerleader up there. Sometimes you just need to shake your pom poms once in a while, y'know?

You know who else is a good cheerleader? My fellow blogistas. I love me some bloggy bloggers so much that I feel like whipping out an award just to show you how much I love you.

Ms. La Belle Mere recently awarded L'Erin Experiment with a Awesome Girl Award and I have to tell you, I was giddy when I saw this award. It's a cool design and the comments Rebecca (LBM for those not familiar) said made me want to hop a plane to England just to give Becks a huge hug.

Like most blog awards, it's now my privilege to tell you about some awesome bloggeristas I think are very awesome girls. Without further adieu...

Nilsa of SoMiSpeaks. I've been following Nilsa for over a year now and her blog posts never disappoint. She's a fellow Chicagoan who writes about her life as a newly married sass-a-pants who lives a life I often dream of. Nilsa is not a stepmom, but don't let that stop you from checking out her blog. She's got a killer sense of humor and is very poignant and honest.

The Blended Family Soap Opera. I love this site. It's like Stepchicks meets The View but with much better attitude and hair. The BFSO is a fairly comprehensive site for anyone in a stepfamily and includes Q&As, articles, and even an Advisory Board. The site is written by some amazing women: Kela Price, Julia Rutland, and Diane Greene.

The Grown-Up Child. As a member of the Stepmom/Stepdaughter hybrid posse, I love finding sites that also talk about the issues that children of divorce face. I've met with Carolyn, the site's creator over email and she's an incredibly charming woman with an even more incredible site where she writes about the kids' side of the divorce equation. A great read if you've never been a child of a divorce or are struggling to understand the emotions of watching your parents split.

And Wednesday Martin. I think I have a bit of a highly intellectual girl crush on Wednesday. She's one of my Stepmom Superheros and I want to be just like her if I ever get my PhD. In addition to penning Stepmonster, she's also wickedly talented and blogs for Psychology Today as well as on her own site. If you haven't checked her out yet, do so....immediately. Or else the entire Stepmom Posse will put a plague on both your houses. (j/k!)

There you have it: women I am inspired by and want to be like in bloggyblogland. Now your turn: Who are your favorite bloggers and why?

Stepmom's House Rules: Part 3

2009-10-13T21:22:00.004-05:00

In Stepmom's House Rules Part 1, I laid out the set of rules I'd created with my family.
In Stepmom's House Rules Part 2, I defended my reasons for creating said rules.
In Stepmom's House Rules Part 3, (the final installment), I'm going to offer a little more explanation behind the rules and why they were created in the first place.

My blended family is made up of a traveling husband and 2 stepkids who are with me most evenings until 7-8 p.m. The kids spend the weekends with my husband and I on the weekends he's home (usually every other weekend).

We've had some bumps in the road this year and it's caused me to re-prioritize a lot of my former needs and wants as far as relationships and rules were concerned.

For a while, I didn't care how messy the house got and I let the kids and my husband not pitch in because I thought it would make everyone's life easier. Essentially, I felt like if I made life simpler for everyone (by me doing most, if not all, of the work around the house), then everyone in the house would think "Wow, Stepmom is so cool -- she takes care of everything. Boy do we love her!"

What happens to people who take care of everything all the time? Burnout.

I started to resent how much I was doing and how little everyone else was doing. I could see how my attempts to earn respect and love from my family were only turning me into a drone who worked all day and then picked up after everyone all night and weekend long. It was depressing me and making me feel even more sad and lonely.

As any therapist or life coach would tell me, I felt the need to set parameters or boundaries for my family. Our House Rules (which is what they're officially called, not Stepmom's House Rules), are a list of boundaries for the entire family.

If you noticed in the rules, even I have boundaries. I have to keep my spending under control and only spend so much at the grocery store each week. That is out of respect for the family budget. Same goes for manners. You can't imagine how many slammed doors and unexcused farts happen in our house.

And so, with this last and final rules post, I wanted to explain that our House Rules are really a set of boundaries that each person in the house needs to live by in order to keep out of trouble with the rest of the family. I recognize there will need to be a learning curve and that the boundaries will still be tested, but at least everyone knows what they are now instead of the list of "what I need" and "what I want" swirling around in my head.

So, in the wise words of Porky Pig: That's all folks!

Coming up tomorrow: Awards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stepmom's House Rules: Part 2

2009-10-13T07:29:00.003-05:00

As you may recall in Stepmom's House Rules (part 1), I outlined the recent house rules I'd created for the family.

The rules weren't too laborious. I wasn't demanding foot rubs on Sundays or hand sewn garments to be delivered to my boudoir every morning. I had established -- in print and not just verbally -- a set of guideposts similar to what every employee in America has gotten used to in their own jobs.

I'm sure I'll catch some flack for this, but it's my belief that at the root of every family is a business-like structure. You have the head honchos and the employees. The head honchos shouldn't really make huge decisions without checking with the other and the employees are free to learn, grow little wings and fly the coop to start their own businesses whenever they please.

I'll admit, I was a little taken aback by some of the comments yesterday. The root of most of the comments were to make the kids feel respected and to give them some power in the equation.

Last time I checked, I was the parent here. I'm all for not making my family not feel like they're staying at Abu Ghraib but if I'm letting the kids call the shots, isn't that like letting them be the parents while I sit in the corner wondering when I lost control?

From Stepmonster to The Career Girl's Guide to Being a Mom -- even Izzy's Package Deal memoir, every 21st century Stepmom book I've read reminds me of the importance of creating a list of house rules. In fact, no Stepmom should be caught without one.

Stepmoms, like their bio-mom counterparts, often get stuck as the family do-it-all'er. Why? Because the woman of the house didn't have the balls to make a set of rules and stick to it.

Call it removing a notch on my people please-itis bedpost but I'm at the point where I don't care if my husband and kids are upset with me because their laundry didn't get done that week. I frankly hope I get the chance to bag up a set of Legos or hair accessories for Goodwill just so I can prove how serious I am about getting everyone's help around this house.

One of the themes of the comments was about respect for everyone in the house. What about the respect for me? Because I'm the Stepmom, do I not deserve respect either? To heck with that. I deserve to be respected just as much as the rest of the family.

I will no longer allow the people of my house to treat me like the resident maid/butler/chef/laundry do-er/responsibility picker-upper. I stand by my rules and will keep you posted with the progress.

Now excuse me....I have a wicked witch broom I'd like to take out for a spin.

Stepmom's House Rules

2009-10-12T11:14:00.003-05:00

I'm in love with my Disease to Please book. It's like coming home again every time I read it. I can literally feel the empowerment trickling into my fingertips as I turn the page.

I've stood my ground over the past week and I'm incredibly proud of myself. I managed to not be over-responsible when my husband was home during the week and actually let him take care of his own kids! (I know, it's shocking).

I won't get into my disease to please on this particular post (but you can bet your ass I will in the coming weeks), but strangling my inner pleaser has felt empowering. No longer do I feel the albatross of "but if I say no then my step-x's ailment might take a turn for the worse" or "If back down from my husband's futile requests maybe I'll get a few more 'I love you's' from him."

Nothing will make my loved ones change. My husband will not suddenly decide to believe in unconditional love nor will my father suddenly decide to visit me on the weekends. My stepkids are hardwired to be like their parents -- all of us -- and all I can hope is that with some careful and caring suggestions and rules that they'll turn out like wonderful adults.

In trying to tame my inner people pleaser, I drafted a list of house rules last week that I was going to read aloud at dinner and then have everyone sign to attest that they did hear and will abide by the rules. The rules were approved by my Husband -- so much for a romantic marriage, ours is sometimes more like a business partnership -- and we held a dinner family meeting to read over the rules.

I read the rules on Friday at dinner. So far, barely anyone has followed any of the rules. Read through my list and tell me what's so difficult about some of these rules? You can bet your stepmother-loving arse I will continue this discussion tomorrow. Stay tuned.

House Rules

Manners: All members of the house will say please and thank you; bless you, excuse me and will open or keep open doors when the situation calls for it. All members of the house will be responsible for helping to unpack a car of groceries or similar. Allowing a door to slam in someone’s face is grounds for grounding.
Work first; play second: Homework comes first and will be worked on until finished, chores second, t.v., magazines, etc. last. If your homework and chores leave no time for television that is your problem, not Dad or Stepmom’s. (Parents do not expect perfection; however, we do expect you to do your homework. Failure to maintain average or above grades will result in extracurricular activities being taken away.
Events: If you wish to participate in an event/dance, etc. at least 1 week’s notice is required and you are responsible for arranging transportation, money, etc. Kids will be required to put up half of the money for any event (dances, book fairs). If you chose to have Dad/Stepmom pay for a field trip at least 2 weeks’ notice is required or else we will not pay.
Shopping: Dad and Stepmom are not a bank nor do we have an endless supply of cash. The following items will be purchased as needed (not wanted): socks, underwear, pants, shirts, sweaters, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, toothpaste, body/facial wash. You are responsible for purchasing things you want and those not on this list. (Stepmom will not spend above $120 at the grocery store per week.)
Possessions: Your possessions will be taken care of or else you will not have them. Items found on the floor will be thrown away or given to charity. Everybody in this house has a bedroom therefore your toys/accessories/knick-knacks should be placed there and not in common areas. Failure to adhere to this rule will result in your belongings being thrown away or given to charity.
Respect. You will treat other members in this family – and this house – with respect. Selfishness and brattiness will not be tolerated. Respect and kindness will be.
Chores: Everyone will be responsible for keeping this house clean and organized. Everyone has chores they need to attend to every day that they are here. Failure to do so will result in privileges being taken away. If you cannot remember to do your chores or what they are, further privileges will be taken away.

Laundry is done on the weekends. If you wish to have clean clothes, your laundry basket must be in the laundry room by Saturday morning. Similarly, you are responsible for putting away your clothes neatly.
If any of the garbage cans in the house are full, you should empty them regardless of whose chore it is.
The cats will be returned if the litter is not kept clean in the box or outside of it.

I'm curious: Does your Stephome have House Rules? Care to share any of them in the Comments section (or you can email me at erin@erinexperiment.com)

Call to order: Who's in with me for a Illinois-Wisconsin-Indiana Stepmom Mixer

2009-10-06T14:59:00.003-05:00

I realized recently that by suggesting to have a Chicago Stepmom Mixer, I was setting my sights to low. I'd like to go for a bigger expanse of Stepmamas and see if we can muster up enough Stepmoms to do a tri-state Stepmom Mixer.

From Madison to Munster and all places in between, if you'd be interested in a Saturday or Sunday Stepmom Mixer (I'm thinking something starting at 2ish and lasting until whenever-ish for those ladies coming in from other states) please email me at erin@erinexperiment.com. If you could mention

your interest level (I'd love to come...; only if it's in Wisconsin....; sure but only for an hour)
where you'd be coming from
what dates/weekends work best for you

I'll do my darnedest to get something together.

For my Illinois Stepmamas -- yes, I know. I keep saying I'm going to try to get a Stepmom Mixer together, but this time I really mean it!!!!

Smoochies to you all!

There's no place like home

2009-10-05T21:53:00.003-05:00

Well, Peggy, turns out you were right. I am a die hard people pleaser and it's driving me practically insane.

I've spent the past few months trying desperately to earn the love of my husband/stepkids/kids' mom by bending over backwards to make everyone like me. I can barely believe how juvenile that sounds particularly now that I've typed it out. Me, a girl who prides herself on individuality wanted everyone to like me.

In the past few weeks, I think I could literally feel my heart breaking into hundreds of little pieces. I wasn't feeling a lot of support from all of the "loved" ones whom I was so desperately trying to please. The intellectual part of me was screaming at the people-pleasing love sick part to wake the fuck up and smell the coffee. HELLLLLOOOOOOOO. Darling Erin. YO, YOU. If this was one of your friends, what would you tell them to do?

I can tell by my credit card balance, waistline and mental status that I'm internalizing a lot of my depression. My illnesses haven't come in the form of extra colds or the Swine Flu; no, I've been struck with the curse of retail therapy and a pantry that doesn't stop screaming my name at night.

My added weight and expenditures have had me doing a lot of contemplating lately. Is my antidepressant not working anymore? Should I ask the doctor for a higher dosage? I mean, how is it I can admit a kid to the hospital without so much as a tear but 8 months later, cat puke has me bawling like a baby?

But I know what my doctor would say: try to eliminate as much stress from your life as possible. I used to think that was as possible as trying to get my brother to dress like a girl; however, it had become more obvious to me in the past few months that if I wanted to eliminate a lot of stresses in my life, then I might have to invoke the "D" word and stick to it this time.

I've run through the same scenario in my head for almost a week now. Where would I live? How did I let things get this far? How do you separate from a husband who isn't home very often? What would everyone think of me? The fact that I was admitting these thoughts to myself -- and am still on this blog -- scare me a little, but I want to be honest.

I was practically burned out beyond repair, so much so that divorce seemed like a plausible end to all of my stresses, but then I rolled into my neighborhood Barnes and Noble and I started to change my tune.

I'd devoured my last two books in 2 weeks and wanted something else to sink my brain into. I was desperate for some self help so I made my way over to the people pleaser section where I found The Disease to Please by Harriet B. Braiker, PhD. I was a little hesitant about this book and figured it might be another "love yourself first" anthology, but when I started to notice similarities between myself and the other people pleasers, my eyes opened a little wider and I continued to read.

I please people because I figure they'll like me more if I do. I want to be the well liked Stepmom and wife. I want people to want me. I need people to need me. Somehow in the deep dark recesses of my brain, I've been thinking my self worth is dependent on how much people like me.

Well poo to that.

I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like me.

Just as I'm getting into the really juicy lessons in the book, what soundtrack should come on but Wizard of Oz -- my all time favorite movie. Here I am in the middle of the B&N cafe reading about the Please Disease while bopping my little head to the Lullaby League song. I think I got a glimpse of what heaven was like then and there.

And all of a sudden, I decided to stop trying to please everyone. There will not be any raising of selfish brats in my house; there will be date nights with my husband. Damn it, I'm worthy of a few simple requests am I not?

And because I had to break up with my therapist this summer, I also picked myself up a cognitive behavioral workbook where I'm going to conduct my own therapy right here in the comfort of my own home...

Because as the Good Lord Dorothy tells us: there' s no place like home.

5 Friends Every Stepmom Should Have

2009-10-02T08:27:00.002-05:00

It really ripples my panties when I see articles on 5 friends every mom should have so I'm using my journalism skills for good and crafting my very own 5 Friends Every Stepmom Should Have list. Let me know if you agree/disagree/have any more suggestions.

5 Friends Every Stepmom Should Have

The veteran/new opposite stepmom. If you've been a stepmom for a few years, it helps to have a stepmom friend who just signed up for her membership to the stepmom club. Likewise if you're a new stepmom, it helps to have a friend who has been at it for a few-plus years. It's all about perspective. The newbies help the veterans remember what it was like to feel so scared and angry while the vets help the newbs understand that with some patience and strong character they will survive this.
The been through a divorce friend. I don't know how many stepmoms have been married before but I think if you've got a friend (mind you, that friend could be yourself) that has been through a divorce, then you can get a sense of the emotional drama that is the break up of a marriage. Not just a relationship, but a marriage.
The no-kids/stepkids of any kind friend. We all need a friend who can help us let our wicked witchy stepmom wigs down from time to time. Have the no-kid friend enforce a "no-talk-about-those-damn-stepkids" rule at drinks one night. You'll feel as refreshed as a morning daisy.
The "how in the hell do you deal with all of that" friend. It helps to have a friend that deals with a lot of turmoil in her family situation. I hate to sound like a cliched broken record but it puts things into perspective.
The "I'll be there for you to deliver hugs, martinis or whatever else you need" friend. These are the best kind of friend. No one's life is perfect and we may not always have the most supportive spouse or nicest stepkid. When that happens, we need the kind of friend(s) that will jump in and say they're there for you no matter what. Trust me. I've been dealing with some heavy emotional stuff lately and I've felt so incredibly lucky to have had my Stepmom friends and my pole friends jump to my aid to offer hugs, support, phone chats if necessary. It's helped me cry tears of joy instead of frustration and I needed that kind of emotional support.

Now, the rules about stepmom friends are there are no rules. (Channeling my inner Fight Club yo). You can, or might want, to have as many or as few of these friends as your little heart desires. The best part is that these friends can be bloggy friends. I've read some of the most sincere comments and suggestions and heartfelt encouragements from people whom I've never met in person.

So go. Go and make sure your personal pantry is stocked with these 5 friends and let me know if you have any other suggestions for a friend every stepmom should have.

October Wickedly Awesome Blog Award: La Belle Mere

2009-10-01T07:17:00.007-05:00

I'm excited to announce the October recipient of the Wickedly Awesome Blog Award is none other than Miss Rebecca Lippett of La Belle Mere fame.

I introduced the Wickedly Awesome blog award back in late August as a way for me to say "hey, I think your blog looks wickedly cool. From a post perspective, look, feel, making readers feel welcome...you deserve to be noticed for that." And so, I created the award all by my little self.

I consider this month's recepient the Bridget Jones of Stepmotherhood. Where Bridget may have had her diary, Becks has her blog.

Rebecca writes with fun, brutal honesty about her life as a Stepmum. From her purple ass to her no-apologies stance on being a childless woman and a new stepmum, she catalogs her life with such humor and honesty that you really, really, really want to live next door to her just so you can sit down in her kitchen and chat.

And her blog....it's just wickedly cool. She's got a great cartoon of herself as well as a lot of fun widgets that I find myself wanting to borrow for my own blog :-).

So, without further adieu, I bring you the short interview with Miss LBM...

Can you describe your blog/site?
Wow, how do I describe my blog? Umm… well, it changes day to day depending on where my head’s at usually! It’s a mix of humor, ranting, serious steppy articles, musing and sometimes plain drivel actually. It’s geared toward stepmothers but I have lots of non-steppy followers to. There is a forum on the site and a live chat room for stepmums to air their views.

Tell us about your stepfamily structure (number of stepkids; any bio-kids; martial status and how long have you known each other).
Well my martial status, if you’re interested, is that I used to be a brown belt kickboxer but haven’t done it for years. I’m also an earthling. I’m guessing you may want to know my marital status to? That would be married – for a just under a year. Got married in Nov 08 but have known him for 3 years. I have 2 step children – one is bio to my husband the other is his non-bio step-son. We have them every other weekend and Monday nights after school.
(oops, my bad about the marital v. martial . You'd never know that during the day I'm an EDITOR)

How long have you been blogging?
Well surprisingly only since the end of June this year but it feels like I’ve been doing it FOREVER!

What prompted you to start a blog?
I got interested in blogging when I joined StepChicks and started reading what other people were blogging on the site. I visited some of the links to other stepmum blogs and thought they were excellent. I thought it would be a very therapeutic thing to do!

Did your blog evolve into a Stepmom blog or start out as a Stepmom blog?
It started as a sort of online Stepmother diary to air my frustrations but I enjoyed it so much it quickly became a more humorous look at all things Stepmother and beyond really.

What do you find the most challenging about being a Stepmom blogger?
Sometimes it can be very scary to blog about my emotions on an open forum. It started as an anonymous blog but, due to a Facebook slip up (flippin technology! Meh!) it became public knowledge! Now both my family and my husband's family and many of my friends now read the blog so some days I do worry that I’m going to upset someone, or what they might think of me as a result of what I’ve written. I also worry about whether or not the Bio-Hazard knows about the blog and what she might think about being referred to as “Bio-Hazard”!! It is meant as a joke but if it were the other way around I’d be unhappy about being ridiculed on the internet so I do have pangs of guilt about that! I try to be understanding and diplomatic but if I’m having a bad day it can get a bit “ranty”!

What do you find the most challenging about being a Stepmom in general?
The hardest thing for me has been the emotional side – coming to terms with unexpected and negative emotions that came up in me. Before becoming a stepmum I’d always thought of myself as a fairly reasonable and level headed person but this new situation has tested my emotional capacity! I’m not a jealous person usually but I’ve struggled with sharing my husband and new family with the ex. I’m also not really a kiddy person so I find the noise and mess quite stressful when they are with us! I’ve worked through feelings of jealousy, resentment, anger, guilt, fear, loss and sadness that have all come up as a result of this experience. Some days I deal with it, others I don’t, it’s a constant challenge!

Who designed your blog and would you recommend them again?
Yeah definitely. She’s a fellow Stepmother and Brit. She blogs at www.kimmythingy.blogspot.com Her web design page is at www.delightfullydesigned.com/
The general maintenance and layout I do myself.

Favorite social networking tool? (i.e., Twitter, Facebook, Friendfeed?)
Oh crikey, there are so many that I find it hard to keep up! I mostly use Facebook and Twitter, but there are also a number of Ning networks that I use Stepchicks, Thirty Something Bloggers, She Writes and, my baby, Child Free Chicks. It’s a tough call between Facebook and Twitter but I’m gonna say…… Facebook. No Twitter!.... no actually, Facebook.

Are you still a stepmom if you aren't legally a stepmom?

2009-09-30T05:24:00.000-05:00

A stepmom blogger that I've read since before I was a stepmom blogger recently announced on her blog that she and her husband were getting a divorce.

I was stunned. She hadn't posted in a while and I liked to check her blog for updates just to see if she was still alive so the update post was a bit of a shock. I had no idea what caused the divorce. I still don't know and frankly it's not my business to know.

On her blog, she mentions that despite the divorce, she still plans to stay in her stepdaughter's life.

Their divorce brings up a concern that sometimes simmers in the back of my own mind: if something happens that causes the marriage to no longer exist, can you still consider yourself a stepmom?

I know there are probably a dozen legal maneuvers and/or real life stories of families who stayed on the same family track despite a divorce, death or some other family abnormality but in most people's lives, this isn't the case.

If Dad and Stepmom get a divorce, Stepmom usually doesn't stay in the picture for much longer.

In my own stepmom life, I love my stepkids just as much as I love my husband. Unless I wanted to put my body or my bank account through hell, I won't have any other kids. They are it for me.

If anything happened to my husband and I's marriage I'd be just as heartbroken about losing them as I would about my own failure to sustain a marriage. Nevermind the fact that I probably find being a stepmom the most validating experience of my life. That my kids (okay, my stepdaughter) run back to the front door to give me a kiss and an I love you nearly every day when their mom picks them up is as good as money in the bank to me.

But still, I can't help but wonder if my marriage took a road down a negative path, what would happen to my stepkids and I. Would I still be able to be called Stepmom? Would I still be able to be a part of their lives? Would I be able to call myself a social media blogging stepmom?

It's one of those things I hope I never have to find out but worry sometimes that if I don't worry about it, then it will happen and where would I be then?