Shakesville

The Glorious Fourth

2009-07-04T16:03:00.003-05:00

I first posted this here last year, and I thought it was worth repeating.

When I was a kid I was very outgoing in putting up displays for the holidays -- Memorial Day, Christmas, the Fourth of July -- I liked the flags, the lights, the stuff. It was cool to make a big splash. But as I grew up I grew out of it, and today I don't go much for things like that. I don't have a flag to fly on national holidays, and the most I'll do for Christmas is a wreath on the door because it has good memories and the scent of pine is rare in subtropical Florida.

I suppose it has something to do with my Quaker notions of shunning iconography -- outward symbols can't show how you truly feel about something on the inside, and more often than not they are used to make up for the lack of a true belief. This is also true of patriotism: waving the flag -- or wrapping yourself in it -- is a poor and false measure of how you truly feel about your country.

There's an old saying that there is nothing more powerful than an idea whose time has come. As Benjamin Franklin noted, no country had ever been formed because of an idea. But when the Continental Congress met in Philadelphia in 1776 and passed the resolution embodied in the Declaration of Independence, that was what was being done. To create a nation not based on geographical boundaries, property, tribalism, or religion, but on the idea of forming a new government to replace the present form because the rulers were incompetent, uncaring, and cruel. The American Revolution wasn't so much a rebellion as it was a cry for attention. Most of the Declaration is a punch-list, if you will, of grievances both petty and grand against the Crown, and once the revolution was over and the new government was formed, the Constitution contained many remedies to prevent the slights and injuries inflicted under colonialism: the Bill of Rights is a direct response to many of the complaints listed in the Declaration.

But the Declaration of Independence goes beyond complaints. Its preamble is a mission statement. It proclaims our goals and what we hope to achieve. No nation had ever done that before, and to this day we are still struggling to achieve life and liberty, and the pursuit of happiness goes on with no sign of let-up.

That is the true glory of America. Not that we complain -- and we do -- but that we work to fix those complaints. To put them right. To make things better than they were. To give hope to people who feel that they have no voice, and to assure that regardless of who they are, where they come from, what they look like, who they love, or what they believe, there will be room for them to grow, do, and become whatever it is that they have the capacity to be. It's a simple idea, but the simplest ideas often have the most powerful impact.

This nation has achieved many great things. We've inspired other nations and drawn millions to our shores not to just escape their own country but to participate in what we're doing. And we've made mistakes. We've blundered and fumbled and bullied and injured. We've treated some of our own citizens with contempt, and shown the same kind of disregard for the rights of others that we enumerated in our own Declaration of Independence. We have been guilty of arrogance and hypocrisy. But these are all human traits, and we are, after all, human. The goal of government is to rise above humanity, and the goal of humanity is to strive for perfection. So if we stumble on the road to that goal, it is only because we are moving forward.

I love this country not for what it is but for what it could be. In my own way I show my patriotism not by waving a flag from my front porch but by working to make things work in our system and by adding to the discussion that will bring forth ideas to improve our lives and call into question the ideas of others. It is all a part of what makes the simple idea of life, liberty, and that elusive happiness so compelling and so inspiring, and what makes me very proud to be a part of this grand experiment.

Go forth!

(Originally posted at Bark Bark Woof Woof on July 4, 2005.)

The Virtual Pub Is Open

2009-07-03T23:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Fookin' Fourth (Observed), Shakers!

Belly up to the bar, and name your poison!

Shaxco's Michael Bay Brand Super-Sparklers
(Now with Extra Sparks!)
are available for purchase behind the bar.

Palin Resigns as Governor of Alaska

2009-07-03T16:37:00.001-05:00

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page for a bit. New commentary below.

CNN: "Gov. Sarah Palin announced Friday that she will step down as Alaska's chief executive by the end of the month. She will not seek election to a second gubernatorial term in 2010."

[Transcript below.]
My quick and immediate thoughts: The framing here is laughable. First of all, not all second-term executives are lame ducks from the get-go. Many governors (and presidents) remain effective long into their second terms, so the idea that Palin is doing the people of Alaska some kind of favor by not serving a second term is merely an unflattering commentary on her own talents, dedication, and efficacy—not the courageous statement of a universal political truth, as she'd have us believe.

Secondly, not finishing her term isn't doing Alaskans any favors, either. It's merely a strategy to effectively create a Republican incumbent where there would be none if she finished our her term.

That this is a self-serving maneuver is manifestly obvious; she is departing her office in Alaska because she's too far away from the national stage where is where she wants to be ever since getting a taste as the veep candidate in the last election. She can't easily make herself available to give crappy speeches to anti-choicers in the heartland when she's immersed in the day-to-day of running Alaska in the hell-and-gone.

I understand her thinking, but the problem is that she needs to make herself more popular with the party leadership and conservative think-tankers, i.e. "In the aftermath of the November election, the conventional wisdom among Palin's supporters in the Republican establishment was that she should go home, keep her head down, show that she could govern effectively, and quietly educate herself about foreign and domestic policy with the help of a cadre of experienced advisers. She has done none of this."

At best, whatever she's got planned is likely to increase her popularity only among those with whom she's already popular. They're not enough to win an election.

Steve has more on this angle.

TRANSCRIPT: As I thought about this announcement, that I wouldn't run for re-election, and what that means for Alaska, I thought about, well, how much fun some governors have as lame ducks. They maybe travel around their state, travel to other states, maybe take their overseas international trade missions, so many politicians do that, and then I thought: That's what's wrong—many just accept that lame duck status, and they hit the road, they draw a paycheck, and they kinda milk it? And I'm not gonna put Alaskans through that.

I promised efficiencies and effectiveness. That's not how I'm wired. I'm not wired to operate under the same old politics as usual. I promised that four years ago, and I meant it. That's not what is best for Alaska at this time. I'm determined to take the right path for Alaska, even though it is unconventional, and it's not so comfortable.

With this announcement, that I'm not seeking re-election, I've determined it's best to transfer the authority of governor to Lieutenant Governor Parnell, and I am willing to do this, so that this administration, with its positive agenda and its accomplishments and its successful road to an incredible future for Alaska, so that it can continue, without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success.

My choice is to take a stand and effect change and not just hit our head against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new political environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time on another scale and actually make a difference for our priorities, and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.

This May Well Be the Most Hilaritragic Thing I've Ever Seen

2009-07-03T16:32:00.002-05:00

Pauly Shore, who I'm fairly certain found his way back from the wilds of oblivion by following the scent of this post, just showed up back in civilization in order to consult with an attorney about suing Sacha Baron Cohen for, I shit you not, allegedly stealing Shore's idea of adopting an African baby as a plot device. (No word on whether Shore will also be suing Madonna.)

In any case, this story was reported at, among other places, the gossip site In Case You Didn't Know, where the accompanying picture of Shore was emblazoned by a pop-up ad...

...for Brüno, featuring an image of the titular character holding, natch, his adopted African baby.

I'd almost feel sorry for Shore, almost, if he weren't, ya know, effectively arguing: "Hey! That totally racist joke was mine first!"

lolsob

If I hadn't already quit the world today, I would now.

We Love Dreidels, We Swears It!

2009-07-03T15:24:00.000-05:00

In the last few years, the rightwing Christian supremacist brigade, who used to refer (and often still do) to America as a "Christian" nation, has taken instead to referring to America as a "Judeo-Christian" nation and waxing nostalgic about its "Judeo-Christian" traditions. Partly that's a reflection of the rightwing's special interest in Israel, from the neocons' regard for it as an important Middle Eastern ally to conservative evangelicals' rapture-related fondness for the prophesied state of Jesus' return—but mostly it's just a cynical attempt to mask their naked bigotry behind the illusion of (limited) tolerance.

Rarely, however, is the utter speciousness of its use laid as hilariously bare as in this ridiculous op-ed in the Freeport, IL Journal-Standard, in which the Rev. Patrick Vandenburgh calls for "a Christian Revolutionary War."

It is time for a new Christian revolutionary war. It is time for Christians all over the United States to stand up for our Judeo-Christian heritage.

Really? Just the Christians? Not the Jews, lol?

Once the good reverend really outlines what he wants, it's pretty clear why the Jews might not be interested:

The true church of Jesus Christ must arise in this desperate hour and storm heaven with our prayers. We must not relent until our Christian heritage is established again in every aspect of society.

Even the Jewish aspects! In fact, especially those!

We are and will always be a Christian nation that serves Jesus Christ and His kingdom.

So…what, then, does that "Judeo" part in "our Judeo-Christian heritage" actually cover?

Oh, right. Your ass.

Against charges of intolerance, exclusion, and prejudice in front of coffers-filling followers too stupid or scared to look too closely at what they're really supporting, or too shameless to care.

[H/T to Caitie.]

No terrorism here, nope, just us Republicans

2009-07-03T14:50:00.001-05:00

ETA: There's a good analysis of a similar topic at City of Ladies from a few weeks back.

A lot changed on September 11, 2001. It is, I think, fair to wonder, in the idle speculation sense, whether the world would be a different place if the President of the US had been a different person, but that's not where I'm going today.

After 9/11, Bush and his handlers walked a very strange line, twisting in and out of the truth like a...well, like a very twisty thing.

They had two competing goals, and meeting them both meant a balancing act. Goal one was to keep America well-terrified: cue the Department of Homeland Security and their endless threat-level colour code porn. "What goes with orange? Why couldn't they pick something a little easier to coordinate with?" I don't know who said that, but someone ought to have.

Anyway, goal two was the seemingly opposite task of making America feel safe - but not too safe. So, he made numerous pronouncements about how there'd been no domestic terrorist incidents since 9/11 - but claimed that they'd been prevented by his sheer devotion to iron-willed security.

Uh-huh.

I invite you to remember the joke about the person walking along the street making strange gestures and shouting randomly. When asked why, the answer is, "To keep the tigers away." When it is pointed out that there aren't any tigers in this area, the person looks satisfied, and carries on performing their random preventatives.

The narrative was, and is to this day, that terrorism is solely an external threat, and that racial profiling is a sensible response to this "threat"; the focus on xenophobic reactions and practices has become a set pattern of the DHS and the various wingnut factions, and has resulted in nonsensical situations, such as the people on the "no-fly" list who are nevertheless able to easily purchase firearms, and the discommodation of and prejudice against innocent legal residents of the US who have the nerve to live there while brown (and I'm not even touching the whole "people can be illegal" meme that's grown out of this, though it's important to remember).

But what if it turned out that the greatest threat to peace and order in the US wasn't external terrorists - there's no credible contention that any foreigner has made a serious attempt to attack the US in the last eight years - but the homegrown kind?

Let's take a moment to find out what terrorism is, shall we? This definition comes from a source with some relevance to the discussion: (From U.S. Code Title 22, Ch.38, Para. 2656f(d))

(d) Definitions
As used in this section—
(1) the term “international terrorism” means terrorism involving citizens or the territory of more than 1 country;
(2) the term “terrorism” means premeditated, politically motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant targets by subnational groups or clandestine agents;
(3) the term “terrorist group” means any group, or which has significant subgroups which practice, international terrorism;

Note definition (2), which allows for the possibility that terrorists might be Americans: "premeditated, politically-motivated violence perpetrated against noncombatant targets..."

What I've been leading up to is this list from the Southern Poverty Law Centre. 75 terrorist incidents, each one planned or perpetrated by Americans against Americans.

And before you start saying, well, hey, that means Bush's random dances and pronouncements were working, note the date split. 40 of the incidents happened in the six years before 9/11; 35 in the eight years since. 16 Americans were killed before 9/11 in these attacks; 11 more have died since. Whee, what a great improvement - instead of 3 Americans a year killed by terrorists domestically, it's dropped all the way to 1.3 per annum. Well, I guess those billions were well-spent, then, huh?

Now, what's the key factor linking all of these plots, attacks and conspiracies together? Can anyone spot it? That's right! They're all right-wing extremists, frequently racist, and in each case, they were trying to achieve political goals through violence and terror attacks against noncombatants. If only we had a handy name for this kind of thing!

That is to say, just about the only people committing terrorist attacks against Americans inside the US these days? They're almost all white. They're right wing. They're anti-immigrant, racist, religious zealots, often homophobes as well.

I eagerly await the response of conservatives to this: I'm sure we'll get some more twisted logic about how everybody but them are really the threat.

But the face of terrorism in America doesn't have brown skin, and it doesn't speak Arabic, and it isn't a Muslim face. By far the majority of attacks are plotted and/or carried out by straight white Christian men.

So tell me...who should we be profiling again?

Daily Kitteh...with Wrinkly Puppeh!

2009-07-03T13:38:00.000-05:00

Top Cats: Emily and Sybil

Old Man Twister

The Inimitable Van

Friday Blogaround

2009-07-03T11:03:00.000-05:00

This blogaround brought to you by Shaxco, makers of Michael Bay Brand Super-Sparklers, now with extra sparks.

Recommended Reading:

Meowser: OK, D00d Nation, THIS Is What I Want From You

Kevin: Nuns Gone Wild!

Renee: The Convenience of "Super Crip"

Clio Bluestocking: Abolition as a Self-Help Movement

Lauredhel: Whitewashed!

Tracey: When "Sexism" is a Dirty Word

Shayera: Part of the Reason Murdoch's Minions are Whining So Much about Franken's Win

Leave your links in comments...

I'm Shocked, I Tell You. SHOCKED!

2009-07-03T10:08:00.002-05:00

Cheney orchestrated public response to Plame leak:

A document filed in federal court this week by the Justice Department offers new evidence that former vice president Richard B. Cheney helped steer the Bush administration's public response to the disclosure of Valerie Plame Wilson's employment by the CIA and that he was at the center of many related administration deliberations.

...A list of at least seven related conversations involving Cheney appears in a new court filing approved by Obama appointees at the Justice Department.

And here's more SHOCKING news: Former Bush administration officials assert that the contents must remain secret, and—surprise!—the Obama administration agrees! Hopey changey!

In the filing, the officials argue that the substance of what Cheney told special prosecutor Patrick J. Fitzgerald in 2004 must remain secret.

No such agreement was reached between Fitzgerald and Cheney at the time of their chat, according to a 2008 Fitzgerald letter to lawmakers. But the Bush administration rejected requests by Congress and a nonprofit group for access to two FBI accounts of the conversation, saying the material was exempt from disclosure under subpoena or the Freedom of Information Act.

The Obama administration has since agreed that the material should not be disclosed. A Justice Department lawyer at one point last month argued that vice presidents and other White House officials will decline to be interviewed in the future if they know their remarks might "get on 'The Daily Show' " or be used as fodder for political enemies.

Exactly. How can someone who wants to be a leader of the free world be expected to withstand being teased by Jon Stewart?! Oh, the HUMANITY!

I officially quit the world.

Two-Minute Nostalgia Sublime

2009-07-03T07:12:00.000-05:00

Lidsville

Please note: Since today is Fourth of July (recognized) in the US, posting will be light today.

Question of the Day

2009-07-02T18:08:00.002-05:00

Given the below post... What's your favorite movie featuring dancing?

This could mean a musical, or it could be a movie whose central theme is dance, like Girls Just Want to Have Fun or Stomp the Yard.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun: Dance TV Dance-Off

2009-07-02T17:10:00.001-05:00

For Shaker Xerophyte.

Welcome to "The Ledge"

2009-07-02T16:19:00.003-05:00

This week in Chicago, the Sears Tower opened a series of glass balconies suspended 1,353 feet in the air and hovering four feet out from the 103rd floor Skydeck. I can't wait to go visit these stinking things! I'm even willing to sit through the required "Blah Blah Chicago Blah" movie to which visitors are subjected before hitting the Skydeck for 'em.

If you're scared of heights, I sincerely recommend against watching the below video, because you might actually throw up your spleen or shit out your lower intestine. But, if you're like me, and heights give you a heady rush of vertigo that's equal parts thrilling and terrifying, this video is like a drug:

Iain nearly faints when we go to the Signature Lounge at the Hancock Building and I lean my head against the glass and look straight down to give myself a delicious case of the woozies. I couldn't get him into one of these things for love nor money, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even be able to watch me get in one without puking or passing out.

Daily Kitteh

2009-07-02T15:53:00.001-05:00

Livsy, Queen of All She Surveys

Quote of the Day

2009-07-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

"No one noted all the white chicks covering Laura Bush."—Washington Post reporter Robin Givhan, a Pulitzer Prize-winning writer and African-American woman, to Howard Kurtz, who, despite noting in his piece that "no one raises questions when an Irish American male reporter covers a pol named Murphy," nonetheless wonders: "Are [African-American female] reporters inadvertently invested in [Michelle Obama's] success?"

Without a trace of irony.

Feel the Homomentum!

2009-07-02T15:11:00.001-05:00

The Mo Train stops in Allegheny County, PA:

Twenty years after its county seat of Pittsburgh passed a similar law, Allegheny County is banning discrimination in employment and housing based on sexual orientation.

The Allegheny County Council passed such a bill by a vote of 8-6 on Wednesday night. County Executive Dan Onorato says he will sign it.

The bill contains an exemption for fraternal, religious, charitable and sectarian organizations.

Of course it does.

[H/T to Andy.]

Today In Bad Ideas

2009-07-02T14:48:00.006-05:00

Old Yeller Dog Food
Old Yeller, as you may recall, is a film that ends, quite memorably (in fact, it's arguably the one thing everyone knows about the movie), with the titular canine going rabid and being gunned down by his weeping lad of an owner. And this is supposed to sell pet food how?

In Thanks for Those Who Get It

2009-07-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

by Shaker Ali_K

As progressives and progressives in training, we see a lot of shit in the world that most people seem to be blind to. It can be incredibly frustrating, but every so often we happen across someone who just gets it. Maybe it's someone we don't expect to get it, maybe it's someone who consistently (or almost consistently) gets it but it's still refreshing to see every time (the Shakesville crew, Sarah Haskins, Jay Smooth, etc.), maybe it's someone who gets it even when we don't, maybe it's someone we just hope gets it but we dare not hope too much for fear of disappointment. Whatever the case may be, when someone does get it, it's as if the angels sing and kittens frolic in rainbows. It's beautiful.

So thank you to those who get it. Thank you to the (small town in a conservative state) jury in my attempted rape trial who heard my testimony and then asked if the defendant was charged with attempted murder also, and if not then why the hell not?* Thank you to the judge in that same trial who sentenced my attempted rapist to 80 years, for me and for the women and girls who came before me. Thank you to the friends who actively booed the sexist commercials during out last Super Bowl watching party. Thank you to the league organizers who took seriously our complaints about the sexist comments coming from another team. Thank you for getting it.

What about you, Shakers—what examples of getting it have you seen recently?

-----------------------------

* OK so I might be paraphrasing a bit.

Alexis Arguello fought the good fight in and out of the boxing ring

2009-07-02T13:31:00.006-05:00

The brilliant Nicaraguan boxer Alexis Arguello has died of an apparent suicide. From ESPN:

MANAGUA, Nicaragua -- Alexis Arguello, who fought in one of boxing's most classic brawls and reigned supreme at 130 pounds, was found dead at his home early Wednesday.

Coroners were conducting an autopsy to determine the cause of death. Sandanista Party's Radio Ya and other local media were reporting it appeared to be a suicide.

The La Prensa newspaper reported that Arguello -- elected mayor of Nicaragua's capital last year -- was found with a gunshot wound to the chest.

The 57-year-old Arguello retired in 1995 with a record of 82-8 with 65 knockouts and was a champion in three weight divisions. He was perhaps best known for two thrilling battles with Aaron Pryor and fights with Ray Mancini, Bobby Chacon and Ruben Olivares.

"I'm kind of in a daze right now," Pryor told The Associated Press. "Those were great fights we had. This was a great champion."

Nicknamed "The Explosive Thin Man," Arguello was inducted in 1992 into the International Boxing Hall of Fame, where flags were flying at half-staff in his honor Wednesday.

Hundreds of people lined up to say goodbye to Arguello Wednesday night at a memorial service at the Palace of Culture in the capital of Nicaragua.

In a two-week stretch that has seen a spate of celebrity deaths, the death of Arguello is the only one that has left me with an ache in the pit of my stomach. While I often credit Sugar Ray Leonard as the man who drew me in to boxing, it was Arguello who truly made me love the sport.

The 1980s was a high time for boxing, as all three major networks featured amazing boxing matches every weekend. And no boxer was more of a deserved darling of these boxing shows than Arguello. His boxing style imitated his personal style - pure class. And his right cross was one of the most beautiful and devastating punches the sport ever witnessed. Arguello beat several respected champions throughout his stellar career, including Ruben Olivares, Bobby Chacon, Rafael Limon and Ray Mancini.

It was the victory over Mancini that truly showed many U.S. fans the brilliance and class of Arguello. Mancini was a huge fan favorite, and even though he was brutally dispatched by Arguello in a tough fight, the respect and caring Arguello showed Mancini and his family was unprecedented. Arguello went on to fight two amazing - albeit losing - battles with the mercurial Aaron Pryor, but showed the same strength of character in losing as he did winning.

More than just a boxer, Arguello long battled political corruption and civil strife in his beloved Nicaragua, and at the time of his death was the mayor of Managua. Despite the fact that his nation had stolen his life earnings and made his life hell, Arguello - who literally battled the Contras alongside his fellow Nicaraguans - was one of Nicaragua's most respected ambassadors.

Alexis Arguello was a champion in nearly every way a man can be a champion. He was a gentleman who was a credit to boxing, and to Nicaragua. Arguello always fought the good fight, and the world is a better place for his being part of it.

--WKW

Note: This is a guest post, and I appreciate Liss allowing me to share my thoughts about a man whose actions encouraged me to be a boxing fan, as well as a man who showed me to always fight for your convictions.

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles.

Gay Camp Pendleton Sailor Found Dead in Suspected Homicide

2009-07-02T12:45:00.001-05:00

Blub:

A person was being held in connection with the suspected homicide of a 29-year-old sailor who was found in a Camp Pendleton guard shack, Navy officials said yesterday.

The body of Seaman August Provost of Houston was discovered about 3:30 a.m. Tuesday on the western edge of the base, said Doug Sayers, a spokesman for Navy Region Southwest. An autopsy was completed yesterday, but authorities were waiting for results of toxicology tests to determine the cause of death. A "person of interest" was being held in the brig at Miramar Marine Corps Air Station. No charges have been filed.

The death has local gay activists calling for an investigation into whether Provost was slain because of his sexual orientation. "We're definitely monitoring this, and trust and hope the military will investigate this in the professional way it should," said Nicole Murray-Ramirez, chairman of San Diego's Human Rights Commission.

…Provost's partner, Kaether Cordero, said Provost was openly gay but kept his private life quiet for the most part. "People who he was friends with, I knew that they knew," Cordero said from Houston. "He didn't care that they knew. He trusted them."

Provost had recently complained to family members about a person who was harassing him, so they advised him to tell his supervisor, said his sister, Akalia Provost of Houston.

What breaks my heart even beyond the loss of Provost's life is that, if it turns out that he was killed because he was gay, there will be people who cite his death as justification to retain the DADT policy.

The reality, of course, is that the forced association between being gay and secrecy, shame, and silence, the suggestion that being gay is something so bad that it should and must be hidden, created by DADT is precisely what feeds the dangerous homophobia that leads to the mistrust and harassment and harm of gay soldiers. If anything, Provost's death, if indeed a hate crime, argues for DADT's repeal, cries plaintively for a policy that does not tacitly encourage suspicion, contempt, violent hatred of the Other.

RIP Seaman August Provost.

Jeb 2012

2009-07-02T12:24:00.004-05:00

Jeb Bush (the less dignified of the two in the photo; wrap your head around that) may be testing the waters for a 2012 presidential bid.

Maude help us all.

Recent robocalls to Iowa asked potential voters which of the following they'd most likely vote for: Huckabee, Palin, Gingrich, Jindal, or Jeb Bush. As if two previous Bushes weren't enough already.

(And note the decided lack of Romney or Liss' boyfriend Fred Thompson.)

The survey also asked "Which one of the following phrases best describes President Obama? For good leader, press 1; for good President, press 2; for too party-centric, press 3; for too liberal, press 4; for Socialist, press 5; for bad President, press 6; for undecided, press 7." (Emphasis mine.)

Good luck, America, you're gonna need it!

News from Shakes Manor

2009-07-02T12:12:00.001-05:00

Last night, while KennyBlogginz, Iain, and I were hanging out watching Dance TV*, we saw an advert for Brüno, which naturally prompted me to groan and splutter and rant about how filled with loathing I was for it.

Liss: ARGH! I hate everything having to do with this film! Fucking Brüno!

KBlogz: Looks like you're quite the homophobe over there.

[Iain and I burst out laughing.]

Iain: She hates Borat, too.

KBlogz: You hate Kazakhs, you hate gay people… I can't wait to see what kind of character Sacha Baron Cohen does next so we can see who else you hate.

-----------------------------

* Yes, that's a real live Girls Just Want to Have Fun allusion!

Movies You Can't Netflix: Mac and Me

2009-07-02T11:30:00.001-05:00

(Earlier today Liss and I were discussing Mac and Me (don't ask) and I told her the blog would be greatly improved (or damaged, whichever) by more material relating to the 1988 film. Truthfully, you can actually Netflix this one, but I wouldn't recommend it, as its reputation as one of the worst films ever made is well deserved. Enjoy!)

It doesn't surprise me someone ripped off E.T. What is surprising however is that someone did it more than five years later. What resulted was not a cute, little homage to the original, but instead is one of the more crass and vulgar films out there: A ninety-five minute spectacle of commercialism disguised as family entertainment. This is a film where Coca Cola saves the day and McDonalds is really the happiest place on Earth.

There is rarely a scene that doesn't have some sort of obtrusive product placement. Whether it's Otter Pops or Skittles, the film is constantly shilling, and this becomes not so much a movie as an hour and a half long commercial.

The plot, such as it is, really is little more than a cheap knockoff of E.T. with only a few minor points changed here and there. A family of aliens gets stranded on Earth, and the youngest, nicknamed Mac, gets separated from his brood. While attempting to reunite with them, and avoid capture by government agents, he takes up with a suburban family.

There is a slight variation in that instead of a bicycle Eric (Jade Calegory), the kid the alien hooks up with, has a wheelchair. Otherwise things are pretty dead on with E.T. Even the music rips off John Williams' original score. The only significant difference is that perhaps they made the aliens even uglier than E.T., if that is at all possible.

Mac lives entirely on Coca Cola, by the way. I guess they don't have cavities or diabetes where he comes from. Actually, everyone in the film seems to live on Coca Cola. Anyway, when the Feds finally figure out where Mac is hiding things get really exciting. And by exciting, I mean "optimized for maximum product exposure."

In order to outwit the Feds Eric disguises Mac as an animatronic teddy bear and heads to McDonalds. There is quite a party going on, as it is someone's birthday, no one in the cast, mind you, but someone is having a party. Ronald McDonald is there (played by himself, according to the end credits), as are a bunch of dancing gay football players (fuck if I know). And let me tell you, you ain't lived until you've seen a dance number set in a fast food joint.

The Feds descend upon McDonalds, carrying a large cage, but Eric and Mac slip out the side door. Then the chase is on with the kid and the alien being pursued by government agents, just like in E.T., but this time they're in a wheelchair instead of on a bike. Eric seeks refuge in Sears, because that is where Mom (Christine Ebersole) works. There are plenty of crazy antics among the Tuffskins™ and Craftsman™ tools, as Eric deftly outmaneuvers his pursuers.

Eric and Mac then ditch the Feds by jumping into the family minivan. Eric, his brother (Jonathan Ward), his brother's girlfriend (who spends the entire film in her McDonalds uniform, by the way), the cute (i.e. annoying) neighbor child, and the alien head off into the desert searching for Mac's family. It turns out they're hiding in a mine shaft behind a billboard for Wickes Furniture Stores.

The aliens are near death, as the time in the desert has left them at the brink of dehydration. Part of the problem is, on their home planet, which I think is a moon of Saturn, the aliens drink by sticking straws in the sand and sucking out water. Unfortunately, in the California desert, if you stick your straw in the sand and suck all you get is sand. But Eric has brought along enough Coca Cola to revive them. A six pack of soda later and they've all made a full recovery.

Do the aliens then make it back home? Hell no. The film ends with them being sworn in as U.S. citizens, all thanks to Coca Cola, McDonalds, and the other fine products prominently displayed in the course of the film.

Hooray for American consumerism!

Hollywood Announces It's Officially Given Up

2009-07-02T11:18:00.003-05:00

'Asteroids' lands at Universal:

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids." Matthew Lopez will write the script for the feature adaptation, which will be produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura.

In "Asteroids," initially released as an arcade game in 1979, a player controlled a triangular space ship in an asteroid field. The object was to shoot and destroy the hulking masses of rock and the occasional flying saucer while avoiding smashing into both.

As opposed to today's games, there is no story line or fancy world-building mythology, so the studio would be creating a plot from scratch. Universal, however, is used to that development process, as it's in the middle of doing just that for several of the Hasbro board game properties it is translating to the big screen, such as "Battleship" and "Candyland."

The saddest part is not even just that "Asteroids" is being made into a freaking movie. The saddest part is that there was a four-studio bidding war over the idea.

[H/T to Mr. Petulant.]

I Welcome Our New Ant Overlords

2009-07-02T11:07:00.000-05:00

Actually, ants are about the only insect I don't like, and I make no attempt to carefully return them to the outdoors like I do with spiders, moths, and even wasps, but please don't tell them:

A single mega-colony of ants has colonised much of the world, scientists have discovered.

Argentine ants living in vast numbers across Europe, the US and Japan belong to the same inter-related colony, and will refuse to fight one another.

The colony may be the largest of its type ever known for any insect species, and could rival humans in the scale of its world domination.

...While ants are usually highly territorial, those living within each super-colony are tolerant of one another, even if they live tens or hundreds of kilometres apart. Each super-colony, however, was thought to be quite distinct.

But it now appears that billions of Argentine ants around the world all actually belong to one single global mega-colony.

..."The enormous extent of this population is paralleled only by human society," the researchers write in the journal Insect Sociaux, in which they report their findings.

However, the irony is that it is us who likely created the ant mega-colony by initially transporting the insects around the world, and by continually introducing ants from the three continents to each other, ensuring the mega-colony continues to mingle.

"Humans created this great non-aggressive ant population," the researchers write.

Argentine ants, huh? Insert your own Mark Sanford joke here.