My life and I

What a shitty shitty weekend.

2009-01-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

I've got time off at the moment because my work has been shut over the xmas period, and new years. So, I thought I would go and see my dad in London. We haven't had the best of relationships, I cut him off 2 years ago, and only recently (june 2008) got back in touch with him.

question why I got back in touch with him.. his whole life is fucking pathetic, and so is he. He is 46. He lives in a room, no bigger than my bathroom, in a house which someone else owns, and 3 other people live in. When I go there, I don't sleep on the couch, or in a spare bed, no I sleep on the floor in his room with a blanket to cover me and a few shitty cushions. I'm 18 in 2 months, I don't want to be sharing a room with him, plus neither do I want to be sleeping on the floor when its minus 3C outside and he refuses to have the heating on.
So, what did we do.. lots of fun interesting things, (seeing as I don't see him very often)? No, on Saturday he dragged me to see one of his relatives who I haven't seen since I was 9 years old. I don't know her well at all. Shes Greek, just like my dads side of the family is and for 5 fucking hours I sat there bored shitless while they talked away - in GREEK! I don't fucking know Greek, I was born in ENGLAND. I tried to join in the conversation but oh no, she didn't understand a word I said.
So, at about 5pm we left, only to go to YET ANOTHER relatives house. Luckily, its my untie, who is amazing, nothing like my dad, even though they are brother and sister. We got there, and the first thing my dad said was "oh can we watch the Sweeney on ITV4 please?" Just encase you don't know, its a black and white police drama. My cousins were there, they are 10 and 15 years old. They didn't want to watch it, nor did me, my untie, or uncle. So I suggested we watch Shaun of the dead. My dad got in a complete strop, he was fucking acting like he was 5 years old. He refused to eat any of the 5 pizzas we ordered, drink any of the beer my uncle brought, or even WATCH the film. For 2 fucking hours he turned away from the screen and sulked like a 5 year old.
I went in the kitchen with my untie and uncle and I was talking to them about what I should do/say seeing as me and my dad had to get the tube home later on, and she just told me to ignore him, maybe put my headphones in and listen to music. Then she asked what I had been up to, and I told her fuck all, hes dragged me round relatives all day. She went SKITZ. She got him in the kitchen and asked why he was taking his 17 year old son to see relatives when I only see him once every 2 months, maybe 3? He said he had no money which then erupted into an argument.
Basically, the reason he has no money, is because he used to spend £140 an hour on prostitutes. He wasted away his share of the money he got from when my parents divorced and sold our house in London. The only reason he stopped was because he got a girlfriend in Hong Kong. Now, let me tell you about her. She doesn't talk much English, she lives in hong kong, and shes only the 2nd relationship my dad has ever had in his life, my mum being the first. Hes seen her twice, and they've been "dating" nearly 2 years. Nothing of him, no pictures, wall messages, even relationship status is set to single on her facebook. Am I the only one who thinks hes desperate, and she doesn't give a fuck?
Anyway, he shouted at my uncle, asking him what he would do with my cousin if he was 17 as well, and my uncle said probably off the top of his head 20 things? I won't lie, I sat there fucking sad and jealous because my uncle would do anything with his kid, and the most my dad can think of is to take me to boring ass relatives.
I went home.. and sat on the train, with my headphones in, really upset. To make matters worse, he swore, out loud, in the middle of the tube; "FUCKING HURRY THE FUCK UP" simply because the tube driver stopped at a station, opened the doors and let passengers get on. He refuses to have any form of anger management, and tells me to shut the fuck up if I say anything close to getting help.
I got back to his, at about 1am. and it was freezing cold.. "can you put the heating on dad?" no, waste of money. So, I laid on the floor, in his room, freezing cold in my jeans and t-shirt, wrapped in a blanket and tried to sleep. I couldn't.
ALL I wanted to do, was to talk to someone.. text someone.. but my phonebook has 4 telephone numbers in it, because yes, I have no fucking friends.

Sunday, He dragged me out to see his mum.. ugh.

I'm fucking bored shitless at home, I went to London thinking I would be entertained, but I just ended up bored as always.

Fuck this shit.

Work is a bit hard at the moment.

2008-11-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

Yeah so currently I'm working silly hours at the moment. Last weekend over the 2 days (saturday and sunday) I worked a total of 26 hours. 26! I am fucked. Haha, I can't keep doing it.. its killing me! I am so tired its unbearable, and even if I sleep 10+ hours I still end up yawning and falling asleep. I've had today off work because I am too tired to even bother. I've also picked up a bad eating habbit at the moment because i'm not having enough time to eat properly any more. I'm living off chocolate bars and red bull to be honest. I can go through 4-5 cans on a good busy night AKA friday and satuday night, during the week though I drink 2 a day.

I do love my job, and I would never leave, but sometimes I wish I had a nice simple 9-5 office job, or working in a retail shop like GAME or HMV .. but heyy.

My friend got burgled today.. he lives in Charminster and somehow his whole house got trashed and stuff got stolen.. xbox 360.. 52inch plasma tele.. the works. BUT, the plan was floored and the story given away because an old college friend was passing by his house and saw a car being loaded up with a ton of 19 looking year olds hanging about. He carried on walking thinking nothing untill my mate called him and found out the story. Now it all makes sense because last week my friends house keys were stolen while about 10 people were round and we were all getting completely high on some grade a weed. Someone musta given the keys to some theives and got them to rob him. The police are still making enquires.

I don't really know what else to write, I haven't done much at all lately because I've worked so much.. I still keep up my eregular weed smoking nights but hey why not!

4 months have passed, so much has changed.

2008-10-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

Honestly? I gave up with this stupid blog thing. Back in the beginning of June (which was when I last posted) I began working alot.. and I just lost the time to write to this. Before I wrote this I looked back on my past posts, the things I spoke about, my opinions.. everything. The one thing I noticed from all of this was how much things have changed since I last posted. This is probably going to be the biggest blog entry yet.. and it will explain my summer and how things changed.

I began working in the hotel in June.. it wasn't quite the busy summer period yet but we were still busy enough to be doing alot of people for lunch and dinner. I made alot of friends there.. or so I thought. Carli, wow, this was the girl I liked.. nice waitress, 20 years old. I can't believe how fucking stupid I was to even like or look at her. She is a complete bitch, like all girls. Me and Carli met up a few times outside work.. she introduced me to weed, we did a few spliffs once or twice then I really laid off it for some time. Still, she wouldn't go out with me because she thought I was too young. I was pissed off, and nothing seemed good anymore, it was like I couldn't be happy. I rang up my ex, Emma, the girl I lost my virginity to. So, it turns out that Emma had been completely depressed since I dumped her (I dumped her back in Feb 08 because I hated everything about her) so we decided to be fuck buddies. Basically throughout the summer most of the money I was earning full time was being spent on fun trips to Blackburn to see her, and well, fuck her. It was never a relationship.. we were both someone who the other person could have sex with without any strings attached.

Then the real fun happened. Adam, joined the hotel around mid August time. KP, Polish, very dumb but hey, he sold weed eh? He was a major drug dealer and for the first time I had access to any drug of my choice. We became very good friends and to be honest I got bored of Emma, I told her I didn't wanna see her anymore and that was that, we have not spoken since. I don't miss her, I don't miss the sex. So, all of the sudden I found myself in a decent position. I was working full time, and I had alot of cash at my disposal. By this time I had signed up for a different college course which was due to start in September - it was called a Programme led apprenticeship where we would spend 3 days at college and 2 days at work.

So, I had maybe 4-5 weeks left of work experience and one night I brought some weed off Adam. Went to my friends house, smoked it and decided that fuck.. this shit is amazing. From that night, it was a weekly thing. I would buy large amounts of weed and smoke it by the ounce each time. This whole time, I could have tried other things.. but I didn't want to, still don't. Theres something about weed that me and my best friend love.. its hard to describe the feeling when you're high, but its something I love so much that I still continue to do it.

So, I will continue more with the weed later, but for now I was still working at the hotel. Kenna, Fi, Abi, Sami, all bitches.. I hate them all!!! It was around late August when my hotel started taking the piss. They would call me to work on my days off, move my shifts around, tell me I had the day or evening off randomly. I never once complained, I still just slaved my ass away each day working most of the day for a pathetic £4.60 an hour. The hours weren't the worse in the world.. maybe I did around 32-35 hours each week, but I still did this sometimes on a 4 day basis, my work would just mess me around.

Anyway, college started, I was still working at the hotel so I told them that college was starting again soon, and could I go part time? They let me on part time, and for the first 2 weeks of college I worked at the hotel part time.. this whole time I was still buying weed on a regular basis.. nothing I'm proud of, but I do love the stuff. Then, one day I sat down and took a long look at myself.. I was bored. Bored of life, bored of working at some shitty hotel, bored of college. I had 1 friend. My best friend had stuck by me throughout all the summer... and all the people from college last year just fucked off. They never once tried to talk to me, or make contact .. some friends eh? I quickly quit college.. my reasons; I wanted more money, and I couldn't be bothered doing easy shit at college.

So, by this point we are recent, we're talking about maybe 3 weeks ago? I went into work, told them I had quit college and they all laughed in my fucking face. They laughed in my face about a choice I had personally made. I asked them if I could go full time again and they said maybe. Maybe to me wasn't good enough.. I needed a full time job, and fast.. so I started looking else where. Bingo, one Thursday night I found an advert for a commis chef in the Print Room in Bournemouth. I quickly sent them my CV seeing as its the best restaurant in Bournemouth. I went for an interview on Saturday morning, and after a 30min interview they got me in for a trail that night. The 4th of October.. I'll never forget. That morning I went to work, picked up my stuff and left. No more shitty hotels.. no more bitches I had to work with.. no more pathetic chefs bullying me everyday at work. New start, new job..

That night I got the job at the Print Room. I started full time on the 6th, Monday. I went to my old hotel sometime that week to pick up my P45 and I was just greeted with a bombardment of abuse, swearing and insults just because I had left. My response; For months, I worked with chefs who teased me everyday.. I worked my butt off, on a shitty wage.. I was never late, I was hard working and never once did I complain.. not once! The manager of the hotel, Matt, still had the cheek to come up to me and tell me I was throwing my life away by quitting college and my Job, that it was unacceptable to just leave, how I was a brat.. what a way to end it eh?

So that's where the story of the Lampeter Hotel ends, and the Print Room story starts. I am working 57-60 hours a week, over 5 days and I am on £1000 salary per month meaning I get £1000 each month no matter how many hours I work. Its the best restaurant in Bournemouth, and I am learning so so much its unbelievable.

I have it all.. a perfect stable job..but that's all I have. I am still under huge amounts of stress that I can't cope. I work so hard at work and yet there are no rewards to anything. Is there suppose to be rewards? I don't know.. but I still walk alone in the street. I still keep my head down, smoke a cigarette and have my music blasting through my headphones. I still get high at least twice a week now, although I have stopped buying it for good and decided that if I am ever going to smoke it, I won't be paying for it. I also still have not made any new friends at my new job, and my mate is being annoying as of late. I am finding that I'm catching his lies out one too many times.. I hate it. I have become so careful with him.. nothing he says at the moment I believe without proof.. its harsh but hes told me before he lies about everything.. then a while on I start picking up on lies.. then I realise "yes, he is lying"

I have nobody to talk to about anything. I don't want shitty parents to talk to, they are too old fashioned for me to talk to.. I don't like telling them personal stuff either..

So, I write it here. And let my inner thoughts out.

Life is shitty. I hate life. I need a cigarette as well.

I joined a gym today!

2008-06-06T16:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, its so not like me to do something like that as I am a lazy git but I decided to give it a shot with my friend Elliott and see what happens. I loved it.. its a great gym, lots of stuff to do etc. I plan to go 4 times a week; Monday, Wednesday, Friday and either Saturday or Sunday. Each time I go I'll do a 2 hour work out where I'll work on everything in my body. Then on a Thursday if I get the chance I will go swimming there and swim a few lenghts of the pool.. nothing to big. Yeah, should be good - if I can keep it up. Obviously I'll keep this blog updated on how its going, and post some pics of the gym seeing as its really nice.

I have work this weekend which is a bit shit.. 10am-6pm both days and then Monday is just gonna be so busy I won't get a chance to sleep or breathe haha. I have to wake up at 6, go to college, clear my locker out.. go home, then get back into Bournemouth and get to the gym by 10am for my induction and another 2 hour workout. Then I gotta pop and get my tutor at college some flowers on behalf of my group (another friends idea haha) and pop back to college for about 2:40pm in time for my exit interview. Then I gotta take my books back, give back my locker key because I have finished college now till next year. After this I gotta make it to Bournemouth train station by about 3:45 to catch the Cross Country service to Birmingham, change, go to Preston, change go to Blackburn...

I travel till 10pm...

:(

All worth it though....

Welcome to the kinda good life!

2008-05-29T04:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written here in ages but I've not really had much to talk about and also I've been busy with stuff. I started working at the hotel as a chef now, I do weekends for the moment, and the odd weekday here and there - come the 16th of June though I will be there full time and I honestly cannot wait a single bit for it! College is awesome too at the moment, I have a reduced timetable so the only time I have to come in is on Thursdays and Fridays. Which means the rest of the week ends up bumming around my friends house, and then drinking with other peeps. Money is a bit tight at the moment too. Well, I say tight, its non-existent really. My own fault.. if I hadn't of brought a ton of stuff in Game then I wouldn't have been so short on money. I get paid tomorrow, and I have to again use it all! I have a cheque for £40 in my back pocket which I am yet to cash in, when I do that will be a bit of money extra on the side. But even so, that takes a week to process through my bank.

I met this amazing girl at work the other week, she's beautiful, funny, outgoing and everything I like in a girl.. I asked her one night after work if I could go round her flat (as she has her own flat.. she's 20 by the way) and she said yes. Then we spent about 4 hours straight talking about everything and everything. That same night we decided we both wanted to go and see the new Indiana Jones film, and because we're cheap we used orange Wednesdays to get 2 for 1 tickets haha. Now, I'm taking her out for dinner tomorrow night to a nice restaurant called wagamama's which I've been to, and it is very very nice - check the link back there! I miss her already and I only saw her last night....

"the kinda good life" a life with hardly any money, hardly any college, but that special girl in your life to make everything else not matter.

Woo, I almost pulled!

2008-05-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I'm round my best friends house again tonight. Had to escape the weird parents haha. We went out for dinner today and the whole thing was just one big akward silence. So yeah, I decided to go round my best friends house!

Firstly, we were outside, "chilling" at about 11:30 and some good looking girl walked past. I whistled and then when Jamie went back inside I walked over to her. Got chatting, went to her house, went inside, had a few beers, had a chat, almost had sex. She kissed me alot, and she was a bittt drunk. Anyway, one was like 20 something, the other one who was completely sober was apparently 39 lol! MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF MILF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But then someone had to ruin it all when he called me. I went back inside and then we chilled for a bit. So fucking random so cool!

Then we went out, smoked, fuck knows, went for a walk managed to hide in a wood, steal a flag from a golf course? WTF

Ugh, I drank alot of vodka earlier and now I've drunk about 2 beers and I can feel my face getting hot, my eyeballs are going funny.. and I know i'm tipsy.. hahaha slightly.

FAG TIME!

Yay, no more of my monday night practical!

2008-05-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Woo I went to college today and got told that we don't have any more Monday night practical lessons! Usually we would finish at about 8:30pm - 9pm but now we finish at 4! Yay! So today instead of working hard me and my best friend and everyone else went down the beach. I didn't wanna get burnt again so I just hopped straight in the water with my friends and we swam about for a bit as always. The water was dead calm today so we could swim about without getting battered by waves - even though those waves are great fun! Then I decided to jump off the pier and so I jumped off it, right towards the end of it as well where it would be most deep.

Yeah, so I jumped off here (see above picture) and as I landed in the water I dived in too close to the edge. Later on when I got out both my legs, and foot, and nipple (weird I know) were all cut up and bloody. God knows what happened I can't really remember, all I remember was jumping in, then attempting to swim back to shore, with the help of my friends dingy. I'm not a very strong swimmer see. I can swim, just not very strongly.

So, last time I wrote here I said I was going to quit smoking. Yeah that's gone out of the window now really. Just brought a pack of 40 B&H Silver today. I'll quit at a later date.. whenever that is.

The weekend was pretty fun as well actually. Every year there's this big food festival called the Christchurch Food Festival and I went to it and got some really yummy stuff. Basically small food companies from all over England come down and sell their top notch products. I got a range of cheeses, some fresh lemonade, a smoothie made with tons of home-grown fruit, some organic meat, some tomatoes, non-dried garlic, some bread, some dips and other stuff which I can't remember. I blew £150 somehow though. Well, my parents did, not I personally though. Saw a ton of college lectures there too and Karl, who used to be on my course but quit. He was working in a hot dog stand and I said hi.

More fun on the beach!

2008-05-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

Today was another hot day, so me and my whole college group went down the beach for a couple of hours. I needed a pair of swim/beach shorts really badly because I keep going in the water in my jeans, which them gets sand all over them. So, me and my friend popped over to JJB sports and we got a pair of beach shorts. They are black with a white stripe down the middle, pretty sweet actually, especially for the price. Anyway, then we headed down for the beach and as always we sunbathed, swam in the sea and had a laugh. I'm still red as hell though, and I can feel my face tightening up and my arms are beginning to sting alot.

Turns out I didn't have to do that ICT Exam in the end, I went there, sat down and then they said that apparently I didn't have to do it. I'm going to double check it over with some people at college but at least I didn't have to do it! Wooo!

I really need to quit smoking, I started back in late October time and I've just been smoking ever since. Its terrible and I need to quit. I was running around Bournemouth today, I ran from college to JJB Sports in the middle of town, and then from JJB to the beach and the whole time I was out of breath and seriously unfit. I had 5 today, which is bad enough as it is, its not the highest I've ever had in a day but 5 for me is pretty high, usually its only 2 maybe 3 a day. I wanna quit and get fit again. I would love to start going swimming every morning down at the gym with my stepdad (because he likes doing that, and hes done it before) but he doesn't seem to wanna go at the moment even though I keep asking him to. Saying that though, he has been acting a bit strange lately.. me and my councilor talked quite a bit about it, all private though. If worse comes to the worse though and my stepdad doesn't wanna go full stop then I will just go on my own even though I would rather go with someone - makes it more fun that way.. have little competitions to see who can swim the furthest.. etc. Its just something to do to get back to a fit state again, and also its something to do with him seeing as we never do anything together anymore.

So, as of tonight I am quitting smoking, and will keep you updated on how it goes. Its just a dirty habbit at the end of the day, and as much as I enjoy doing it, its really not good for me at all.

Ow, I'm sun burnt

2008-05-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well, Bournemouth is having a few very very hot days lately. So yesterday me and my mates went down the beach for a couple of hours. We sunbathed, then swam about in the sea for a while. It was great fun because there were these huge waves and everyone was out in the sea jumping up and getting pushed along by them, it was great fun! I think I swallowed a bit too much sea water though lol, but its all cool.

But then I got home and as I was leaving to go to my best mates house I looked in the mirror and sure enough, my face and arms are red and burnt. And now it hurts.

So now I've gotta do some crummy ICT exam, with my skin feeling tight and hot. Oh well!

Wow, alot to catch up on.

2008-05-05T16:49:00.000-07:00

Okay so its been a week since I last updated this. What a week its been!!! Yeah obviously my weeks and weekends aren't as fun as some (going out getting drunk, smoking weed and seeing naked girls haha) but its still pretty fun.

Firstly, I got this game about 2 weeks ago for my Wii called "bully" and I've pretty much completed it (how sad I know). I have 89% completion on it, I've done all the bike races, go-kart races and even unlocked the go-kart and BMX helmet. I've done all my lessons, unlocked all the extras, found all the rubber bands, D&G cards, gnomes, brought all the stuff from the towns carnival, done all the extra missions.. *babbles on* so yeah I've done it all. So, I was wondering what this last 11% was and so I looked online, apparently theres this secret area once you've done everything which you can do extra secret missions. But I'm yet to find it.

More news about my job. I quit last weekend, but didn't tell anyone. Yeah basically I got told to go in the fridge to get some pre-cooked tomatoes out for the full English breakfast and the tomatoes had mould all over them. I went to throw them away, got shouted at, then watched in horror as they shoved them in the microwave for 30seconds then served them. I wasn't going to let it happen so I walked out into the restaurant and found the people, I took their plates and explained what had happened. My boss was not happy lets just say that much, and she shouted at me, alot, and said they would probably get health and safety inspectors round. So I just said "okay, well I quit. sorry". Got my wages, walked out. But then just by pure luck I got a phone call from the head chef at the hotel I'm going to for my work placement (come June) and he wanted to know If I wanted to do some weekend work for some cash. So, my first shift was the other day. I know I won't be quitting this any time soon. At all, the kitchen is amazing, food is lush and the chefs are awesome. I know the head chef, hes called Ken, hes a part time lecturer at my college who has taught me before so he knows me quite well. Sorry for quitting I know it gets me nowhere, but It was fucking disgusting to be honest, horrible and vile and I don't think i've ever seen anything so bad in my life.

Ages ago, I knew this girl called Abi. Anyway, to cut the whole story short she had somehow met this 40 year old guy. She was only 16 (I feel harsh for saying this next bit) but she was young and naive, she had issues with the way she looked (even though she was beautiful) and thought that she was ugly and would never get a boyfriend. Somehow she managed to get with this 40 year old guy, much to my disagreement. The last time we spoke she was moving in with him in his flat, and they were having sex. I explained to her that he was probably some creep only in it for the sex, I mean he was only enough to be her father and yet he was just taking the piss and leading her on. I was right in the end, I contacted her the other day after reading something about them breaking up. Turns out he got back together with his ex and left her to fend for herself. I feel really bad for her, obviously anyone would. I mean she now has no home because she got kicked outta her house by her parents, then she quit 6th form, she has no job and is currently living in a hostel. So, we've been talking and stuff, I wanna meet up with her soon if she gets the chance, and see if she needs any help with anything, or if she needs a place to stay for a bit. Shes cool with it.

So, now I got a crappy week to look forward to. I gotta do 3 assignments by Thursday. 1 of which I've not even started yet, the other 2 I'm only a little way in. OH and I forgot. I failed my car theory test. But, I'm not too pissed off about that, I knew I was gona fail because I didn't practice enough, my own fault really. I'm just gona re-book is ASAP and then actually practice tons for it. I only practiced for about 5 hours total. I shoulda done alot more.

2008-04-28T16:40:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I just introduced my best friend to blogspot. I showed him my blog and he decided to get one himself. I was a bit skeptical about showing it to him at first because its got some personal stuff on there, but thinking about it now there's nothing he doesn't know about, so its all cool. If you are interested in reading his blog then go to secret-successions and check it out. Hes a really cool guy and he writes about alot of deep and interesting stuff.

I got paid on Saturday, then on Sunday I just went into Bournemouth for the day, did aload of shopping and managed to somehow splash out £76 in one day. I got this game called Bully for the Wii, and a new CD called Pure Garage: Back to old school which is fantastic! If you like a bit of old school UK garage, and drum and base then you should seriously get this, well worth it! Then I got my mum some chocolates, but just so she wouldn't moan about the fact that I spent my entire pay check on her haha. After that I went and got myself a McDonald's because I'm cool like that, then I got the bus to my friends work and we hung out there for a bit, then disappeared to Poole quay for a bit, wasted some money on the fruit machines. Then we had a couple of smokes, then I went home. Now I have £0, and not even enough money to get the bus to college. Today, I took £2.20 for bus fair tomorrow when I come home from my friends house. Then I will have to take another £2.20 the next day, and keep going until I next get paid. Whenever that is...........

My friend just asked me a question. If there was a gun being pointed at my head, and I was told "its either you, or one of your two other class mates" who would take the bullet? I don't find this selfish at all, but I said one of my class mates, simply because I am a bit of a selfish person and would rather care about my own life than someone Else's. I know this makes me a supermassively evil person but hey, its life, and we live with these things.

Tomorrow in college we get to make lots of yummy stuff, and taking about yummy stuff I made strawberry and prosecco jelly at home which was lovely. Incase you want the recipe:

*200g sugar

*150ml water

*8 large strawberries

*6 Gelatin sheets

*200ml Prosecco wine

You mix with sugar with the water and heat until dissolved. Then add 4 chopped strawberries and bring to the boil, then cook it for 5 minutes at boiling point to make a syrup. Drain it into a separate bowl and cool slightly. Add the gelatin sheets to cold water until soft, then mix in with the warm syrup. Then add the 200ml of wine and stir together. Get glasses out, or whatever you are using to put the jelly in, and fill halfway with small chopped strawberries. Then pour the mixture in, this way the strawberries will float on top. Then cool overnight in the fridge for about 12-15 hours.

I found a key logger on my pc

2008-04-26T02:40:00.000-07:00

Wtf is going on. I was installing something today, a driving theory cd-rom and when I closed it up pops this key logger lite program.. I have a nose around and from the first day I had this new pc its been recording everything I type. All my personal conversations, blog entries, msn, lw, the lot, all recorded on it. I've tried removing it, I can't, so I'm getting tech help from some contacts I know.

I suspect its my stepdad or both my parents who are in on this, doing it to keep tabs on me. In fact I know its them. I just had ago at my mum, and she seems to know nothing about it, but whatever. At the end of the day, I do look at porn, I download music and I talk about personal issues with friends.. stuff I wouldn't want anyone else knowing about, and yet every word is being recorded. Its an invasion of my own privacy.

Until its gone I'm going to be way more careful about what I type... its so unfair. I'm 17.. wtf?

I started my counseling on Wednesday

2008-04-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

I started my first counseling session on Wednesday. If you look back a bit you'll see one of my blog posts on my bad dreams with my dad being involved with them. Its still happening, not as often as it was at the start, however they are still happening 3 weeks later. I told my college tutor about them on Monday, she is only the 2nd person to know, 1st is my best friend. She just talked to me for a bit then said it would be best if I got some counseling for this, just to talk it over and try and figure it all out. So, I started my first one on Wednesday and it went brilliantly. I sat down, nice comfy sofa, and just talked to my councilor. We spoke alot about my past, and also quite abit about my family in general, and of course the dreams. She managed to really make things clear to me, and although we only had an hour together it really did help. Its too complicated and long to explain on here but I know the dreams are only happening because I was scared of my dad for so long. I still am scared incase he ever randomly finds me, on top of this I've got a weird and deep fear that he could be stalking me and we talked about this alot as well. I have another session next Thursday with her for another hour.

Tonight is the first night I've been home since Sunday night haha, I've stayed round my friends house for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Then today we had a day off college because of the teachers strike across England. So me and about 8 other people went to the cinema to see a film called "21" which is all about maths, and making a system to win in blackjack. It was really good, and it was a great laugh haha!

Oh and I booked my theory test for my driving on the 1st of May. I'm scared, haven't really practiced much.. I'm gonna do it loads over this weekend. Woops. lol.

I got a new computer!

2008-04-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written here in a while, I've not had the Internet, well actually I haven't had a computer at all. My laptop basically died on me last week and wouldn't boot. My super nerdy pc god stepdad couldn't fix it, so I've just got a new desktop computer.

College has been good too this week, I've just got 4 more assignments to do and then I've done all of them. 2 I'm almost done with and 1 I've not started (woops) and the other is on-going during our theory lessons.

I have been confirmed work placement for June. I won't say where I'm going, but I am going to a lovely hotel in Bournemouth - and better still my best friend is going there too (outta luck somehow) and I know the head chef who runs the hotel, we get along great and he knows me quite well. All around its going to be a pretty good 3 months, and then by time I'm done I'm hoping I will be driving by then!

My new favourite songs at the moment are "wiley - wearing my rolex" and "mack d & dreados - break up" can't get enough of them haha.

My grandad is down for a few days too at the moment, so it should be good fun!

Scary dreams, do they mean anything?

2008-04-14T03:08:00.001-07:00

I've been having some weird weird dreams over the past week. At first I thought nothing of it, but now its been a week, and nearly every night the same guy is in my dream. That person is my dad. I won't go into details about my dad and I, but keeping it simple - I hate him, and we haven't spoken nor seen each other for a year and a half now (since December 2006).

He was a violent loon to put it nicely. The type of guy always out looking for trouble, or starting unnecessary trouble and violence. I admit, at the time when I was 15 I was scared of him, I was scared shitless at the thoughts of what he was going to do, or what trouble he would get us into whenever I saw him. However, its been a whole year and a half now and nothing, no thoughts, dreams, nothing have occurred about him. He is completely out of my life.

So, the dreams. Well. They all have my dad in it. They are all a kind of nightmares too. The first dream (about a week ago) took place in my college. There is a kitchen there and the huge windows have the open view of the car park. On a Monday I am usually in this kitchen until 8-9pm at night with my college class, so the car park is empty at around 6ish. Its day light in my dream, and can't be pitch black yet, but I remember just turning around and seeing my dad just stood there, in the middle of the car park, looking right into my eyes. He had no expression on his face at all, just a blank and numb look as he stared directly at me. I screamed, and woke up in a sweat, the end of it you might think? Nope, think again. I fell back to sleep shortly after and I vividly remember the dream because it continued. I looked back around and he was gone from the car park.. only this time I looked across the kitchen and his entire face was in the window of the door, looking right at me.. expressionless once again.. just starring at me! I grabbed a knife and lunged for the door and he was gone! I sorta just stood there, knife in hand with my friends going "Joe, are you alright.. put the knife down whats going on?" and I was replying "oh my god he was there at the window and in the car park!!!!"...

That was the end of the first dream but I've been having 1 per night now and they all involve the same thing - my dad, staring at me, while I do various things. The scariest was the other night when I was on the tube in London. I was in a tunnel and the lights blacked out for a moment ..there was a tiny bit of emergency lighting on, but in my reflection of the door my dad was standing behind me! His face exactly the same.. just motionless and dead looking. Another night before that I was with a group of friends, I was at the Bournemouth Aquarium, walking through a tunnel with water all around me. On the other side of the water there was another area where people were, and there, staring at me, was my dad, only this time all my friends saw it and were equally freaked.
Its got to the point now where every dream I have, I just expect to see him, and its really freaking me out now!

Last night, it happened again. In my dream I opened my blind and window in the middle of the night to get some fresh air. Standing in the middle of my road right outside my house looking right at me was my dad. Expressionless, emotionless, just looking at me.. I screamed before waking up.

What does this mean? Does it mean anything at all?

Experience beats money!

2008-04-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

I just got a job, in a cafe on the sea front. I should be happy right that I've got a new job but I'm not, in fact its fucking shit to be honest. Firstly, the food they do there is just crappy cafe food such as fish and chips, chili con carni, big fully cooked English breakfasts etc. and then secondly I am only getting paid £4.80 an our, thirdly I'm only working Sundays!! What the fuck?! I mean my mum found me this job, she saw the advert, and she left them with my details, then got me to ring up - although I didn't really want to. Its not even her place to do so, but shes desperate for me to get a job even though she doesn't understand I don't want a job any old place. I've never been there though so I didn't know what to expect food wise, nor pay, nor hours. But hey, I gave it ago and it turned out to be shit. My mum had ago at me saying "ooh its money, just do it and be happy with it"!
Okay, rant time as to why I don't like it. Firstly, I am used to cooking and doing high quality food in high quality establishments. At college they teach us fine dining, and I've done shifts at 5 star hotels as well as nice restaurants and pubs even. I don't care what the pay is, the only thing I care about is the place I work at and how much experience I am getting. If I am working for 8 hours in a shitty cafe on a Sunday; what experience am I getting? It doesn't look good on my CV and to be honest my experience level is at alot higher than microwaved mushy peas, frozen chips and farmed deep fat fried fish.
I know I need a job, but everywhere good at the moment is looking for a full time chef not a part time.. so as much as I need the money I am going to have to wait. I don't want to work at this cafe at all. All the chefs there looked like moneys arses who didn't give a crap, and your reading the blog of a guy who did a few shifts at The Captains Club where the head chef is the sous chef in Burj al Arab in Dubai – regarded as being the only seven star hotel in the world! So its like, fuck off... I don't want to work in your shitty little cafe! I might need the money, but I would rather go without than work there.

Most people would work there just for the money, but to me experience beats money.

What a day!

2008-04-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

Okay so yesterday my lecturer at college told me that I had an outstanding assignment due in. I was obviously confused because before the Easter holidays (about 3 weeks ago) I made sure everything was in. This particular assignment that she is on about I did months ago, but then it was given back to me to add changes. I spent around 3 and a half hours making all these changes and its not one of those things where someone can say "are you sure you did it?" because I remember making the changes and re-handing it in. But no, they don't have it. So, this morning before I left college I checked my computer for this assignment, it wasn't there. I checked my removable hard-drive and it was on there but it was the original unedited version!!!!! I've been busy all day and haven't really had much of a chance to do it, and now its 1am, and I'm probably going to have a sleepless night trying to finish this so I don't get chucked off the course. Grr, stupid college!

However, other than that slight misfortune I did actually have quite a good day. I went to college 9:00am-1:30pm and then me and about 6 other people went down to Bournemouth beach for a bit of fun. We played a bit of footie on the beach, just a small kick about, then we all just jumped in the sea and swam right out .. couple of people were in trunks, I on the other hand wore my jeans and top in. I'm super self conscious about my chest so I never really show it in public.. however, for this rare occasion I took it off and wow, It felt really weird, but good! I got a sudden confidence boost it was really odd! Anyway, so I swam about for a bit, the water was actually quite warm as it was a hot sunny day so it wasn't like we froze or nothing. Back to my confidence boost; we got out of the water and played a bit more football. Then my friend saw these two girls, one was ugly the other was completely hot! He went over and jokingly asked the ugly one for her number for my other friend haha, just as a harsh joke. But anyway, when he came back I went over there to talk to them and got both their numbers, and my picture taken with one of them! All this happened with my top off!!! I know it sounds like nothing big but you have no clue how much it means.. for the first time since I was 13 I not only had my top off in public and around other people, but I felt confident about it as well! Obviously I still wanna lose a bit of weight, but I'm now only 138 pounds, I want to be around the 120 pounds mark. Still though, I'm over the moon!

I text those girls for most of this evening, and then I asked one of them if she was busy this Saturday night, so we're going out for a stroll along the beach - ya know, for a chat and everything just to get to know each other. Shes 21, I'm 17 so there's an age gap, but who cares.

So now after all that I'm shattered, and I'm literally falling asleep at the keyboard, however, I have to stay up for at least another 2-2 and a half hours to finish this bullshit assignment because those incompetent buffoons in the catering office can't file a stupid assignment which I handed in months ago!

Damn.

2008-04-06T19:52:00.000-07:00

Its 4am, and I can't sleep. I'm sleepy but I can't sleep. Its completely fucked up really. More on my mind again, this time its my best friend. I started college in September 2007 with no friends at all.. an argument at highschool had left me fallen out with all my friends. Anyway, I made these 2 amazing friends who I saw outside college alot. But 1 is my best best friend, me and him think alike, we like the same things and he is just a really awesome guy. Today he told me that his uncle who has his own restaurant is giving him the opportunity to go and work in this restaurant. You're probably thinking "thats fantastic" but get this, its in Japan!!! =[ which sucks to be honest. He would be living with his uncle and working in his restaurant for well... I don't know how long but its a job offer for the end of this college year. I knew all about his uncle, I just didn't realise he would give him that opportunity really. Hes not 100% sure if hes going to go yet, I mean he has a wonderful girlfriend who he has been together with now for about a year and he doesn't wanna leave her.

I'm happy for him... really I am.. but if he goes, I'll just feel a bit empty. If that doesn't sound too emo'ish.

I start back at college today at 1pm. Should be good fun seeing everyone again really! I'm looking forward to it!

Just, I can't believe I've made a good friend and he might just be disappearing.... but thats life eh?

My first party..

2008-04-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I just threw my first party ever. I'm 17 and its the first party I've ever had. Obviously I've been to ones before but not really had one myself. Anyway, it went okay, I had planned for about 15-20 people to come.. so it was a smallish party but in the end only 8 came. Which was really really small. However, we still had a ton of fun. There was music, food and plenty of beer. All the good makings for a wicked party. Nothing went wrong, nobody gate crashed the party or anything like that. So in the end it was all cool!

Talk about weird though, I picked my friends Hana, Charlie and Jade up from the train station and we walked over to the bus stop. Anyway we were all having a chat and waiting for the bus when this guy walks along. He obviously is a druggie or some nutter, you can just tell by the way he looks and is dressed. Shabby clothes and jacket, face looks terrible all the signs of either a hobo or a drug addict. He then starts going on about how is arm is hurting, the most fake act ever. Then he starts slurring his speech, and going on about how his arm is now fine. At this point the bus comes and as we walk on, he says "see ya soon sexy girls" and then makes a loud kissing noise towards them. I know this was a complete over reaction but I just turned around and told him to get lost and If I ever heard him say that again he would regret it. Bad move on my half yes as it makes me seem violent and aggressive, but honestly he just turned around and walked off quickly. People like that need to know that behaviour like that is classed as harassment and he could be arrested for that if he was reported. What a creep.

At the end though, everyone had a beer, 2 people got drunk out of their skulls (1 of which was sick), 1 person got mildly drunk and everyone had a good time! The house wasn't too much of a mess and it only took me and my friend 30 minutes to clean it. Here is a picture of the amount of drink we had haha..

Might not seem like much, but that was taken at the end of the party. Theres 20 bottles and 12 cans of beer there! Thats 32 drinks, 8 people, 4 per person. Although some had less and some had more. Take one person for example, they only had 1, and another had 10. So it varies.

Anyway, I hate to end this post on a bad note as tonight was quite fun but my parents have once again been mega lame. Yeah it was nice of them to let me have this party but really they were totally against it and you could tell. Firstly to get more people to come I did advertise the party on my bebo. I put my address followed by the party details into this bit in my bebo profile. However, I did this knowing that my profile was private and that nobody but my friends could view it. And my friends were going anyway. Yeah it was a bit silly seeing as my bebo could have been hacked by people and then my party gate crashed but I highly doubted that. And my friends aren't really the type of people to spread this to everyone they know. Then my parents found out about this, not sure how, they must be going back to spying on everything I do on the web, which is pathetic seeing as I'm 17. My internet is controlled via my stepdads computer as he controls the bandwidth for everyones laptops, this way any site I view goes through his PC which I imagine is how he finds out about these things. On the other hand I have my thoughts and ideas that hes got a key logger programme hidden on my laptop. Again, not doing them any favours at all to be spying on me like that. My mum moans all the time that I'm quite and never tell her or my stepdad anything.. but to be honest I don't want to tell them anything. They are so old fashion, lame, boring, and they don't know anything to be honest. They are patronising, and we have nothing in common. For example. Upon finding out their address had been put on the internet I of course removed it, but then tried to explain that my bebo was private and only my friends could see it. Then she rang her friend and in front of me started going on about bebo, something which she had no clue about.. *quote* : "yeah bebo is a forum thingy, and it only takes someone to know his password for the private area where he posted it and then everyone will see.." Urm, I actually felt like bashing my head against a brick and asking her what the fuck she was on about. Nobody would find out my password, I don't even have a secret question or anything which can be used to crack my password. Bebo isn't really a forum place either, its more of a social network where you make a profile and send each other comments on their bebo. Its hardly like a forum where its got topics and posts.. etc. Shes has no clue about it, haha and she just ends up sounding really retarded!

Anyway, shortly after that my stepdad called me into his office. He showed me a famous news story about a person who had a massive 18th birthday party in this mansion which got gate crashed by about 2 thousand people. He then got all freaked out saying that we would get gatecrashed and a bunch of other stuff which I didn't really pay attention to. Basically though he thought it would get gatecrashed by 2 thousand people and when I said it wouldn't he argued that you never know. Well, I do know, and I proved him wrong yet again, and of course making both parents look like fools. Why were they getting worried? 8 people came. 8. Not the 2 thousand that he claimed would come. Just 8. Nothing went wrong, nothing was broken, nothing damaged, nothing like that happened at all. So why shout, why argue, why be miserable for nothing? Just doesn't make much sense to me.

Sleepless In Bournemouth....

2008-04-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

Meh, I'm wide awake, and I can't sleep at all. On top of that I'm bored.. which doesn't leave a good combination really. I've got quite a bit on my mind at the moment.

Listening to: "Dragon Force - Through The Fire And Flames" which isn't really my type of music at all, in fact I hate metal/heavy metal but I was round my friends house the other day and we were playing guitar hero 3 on the wii (with the guitar and everything.. it was such an awesome game!!) and that was one of the songs. I quite like it actually.. like I said, its not type of music at all, but this time its different.. I dunno, better than most other metal.

Anyway, so, what do I have on my mind? Well, its alot of things. Mostly money really. I got this awesome job at this really super duper hotel in Christchurch where I live for a commis chef. Bingo I though, just my luck, an awesome job right around the corner from me! I went for an interview and they gave me a shift to do. It was in one word; amazing! The kitchen was incredible, the chefs were amazing and the atmosphere in general was fantastic. I loved it. At the end though they came up to me and told me that unfortunately although they did like me the position was a full time commis chef. They told me that if a full time chef came along that was good they would have to give that person the job not me. However, they did shake my hand and thank me for working there. All in all I think it went quite good. Then the head chef said he would call me back soon and give me some more work - providing another chef didn't come along. Well, they never did ring... and it turns out another full time chef started working there.

I have been searching around for another job.. not hard enough according to my parents. They constantly moan at me for not having a job, and yeah I fully understand why, but at the same time they just want me to get a job anywhere that pays money! I tried explaining to them that my profession, what I am learning at college, what my career is, its catering. I am a chef, and thats all I'm ever going to be. But still, they are moaning at me all the time.. really I don't see why they are doing it, its hardly doing them any favours moaning at me.. and also I'm confused. They said that *quote..* "you need your own money, you are costing us too much!!" urm, I'm really not your average teenager. I don't go shopping 24/7, I don't buy myself games, cd's, dvds, clothes, new shoes, or anything like that. I have enough clothes, and 2 paires of shoes. All I get in a month is a £54 bus pass ... so how on earth I'm costing them "too much" I will never understand. And then of course when I question this the "don't be so naive" is followed by my mums patronising fat face. I will find a job soon enough. And I don't like it when they push me.. they might think i'm in deserape need for a job but the only money I need is £54 to get a bus pass and the money I owe them, which can wait - trust me!

Which brings me onto my next bit. College. I'm on first stage disciplinary at college at the moment for several things. Mostly missing time off which is pathetically stupid. Anyway, they told me I had the worse report they had seen and that although I will probably pass the course my chances of going to work placement in the summer (they send you to a top hotel, like the Ritz for example) and getting into the next year is slim. So, although I have pulled my weight, I've attended every class, and not missed any deadlines, I've been doing some serious thinking. It all started when my best friend Jay told me he wasn't going into the second year. The first year if we pass we get our VRQ L1 which is the same as a NVQ L2. The second year if we pass we get our VRQ L2 which is the same as a NVQ L3 (which is fantastic in other words). He told me he wasn't going into the second year. I was quite shocked and surprised actually because hes a damn good chef! I asked him what he was going to do and he told me that he was going to get an apprenticeship in a kitchen and study for his VRQ L2 by being a day realise student. This in more simple terms means that while working full time and earning full time wages, on his day off he can come into college and study for his VRQ L2 which he will take over the course of the year 1 or 2 days a week. The idea completely grabbed me, I mean fuck, most places are looking for a full time chef not a part time chef. What harm would it be to do the same as he is? To not go to the second year, become a full time chef and then be a day realise student? When I go back to college on Monday I will find out more about this, talk it over with my lecturers for a bit before I make any drastic choices.

Most importantly of all though I won't be telling my parents this anytime soon. This just doesn't concern them yet, and even if I did tell them I would get a bad reaction. Well, I'm not sure, they are so unpredictable I don't know what they would say. But hey, I'm not going to tell them yet. Knowing them though, they probably are spying on my blog reading this - somehow.

But this new idea, it just makes alot of sense to me.. for now anyway. I have much much bigger plans up my sleeve for later on. Much much bigger plans, and for now I will need catering and my career as a chef to fall back on if this bigger plan doesn't work. More on that at a later date. But trust me, its big!

I'm now listening to a far better song. "Tillmann Uhrmacher - On The Run (Ocean To Shore Club Extended version)" It is such a good club tune.. its a real chill out classic.. download it if you can! Its a bit of a long song but its so good, and club fans everywhere will love this! For now, I'm going to try and get some sleep. I have a huge house party tomorrow night which I'm pretty hyped up about! Its going to be nothing but booze, music and girls! Tons of people are coming, plenty of chicks and guys, so lets wait for the party to get started! woo! ha ha. My step dad was a bit .. mmm, weird about it. I really don't see why he doesn't like parties, they are great great fun! He is worried it will get out of hand as alot of people are coming. But honestly, what could go wrong? Yeah 1 or 2 people get drunk, there's a few 18 and 19 year olds going, most are only 17 though, but other than drunk teens what could go wrong? If any one starts trouble they get kicked out, plain and simple. No weed or drugs at the party. So really all its going to be is alot of dancing, alot of loud music, alot of alcohol and possibly sex if 2 people I think are going to get it on do! Really, what is there to be worried about.. fucking parents these days. And then they have the cheek to say to me "well when you have your own house you won't want a party in it either!" .. urm, I am nothing like my parents. My parents are nerds who don't have fun.. no offence to them. But my parents have a completely different idea of fun to me, and parties are fun.. I would defiantly have a party in my own place! Why not eh? To be honest, if I was allowed I would probably get 100+ people to this party tomorrow night.... the wilder and louder the party = the better! But thats just me, and for now seeing as I'm living under their roof I just have to agree and shut the fuck up. Then voice my real opinion in blogs for others to read. Have fun!

Ahhh april fools haha

2008-04-01T02:37:00.000-07:00

Well, happy april fools day. I haven't personally made any tricks today but I've seen loads, so here are some of my favourite jokes played today hehe... Just click the links to read the story if you can be bothered.. but honestly it will have you in fits of laughter hehehe

1) WOMEN can now have an injection that gives better orgasms by making their G-spot swell!

2) Virgin founder Richard Branson and Google co-founders will be leading hundreds of users on one of the grandest adventures in human history: Project Virgle, the first permanent human colony on Mars!

I guess that gave the day a little bit of light.. especially seeing as I had to wake up at 5am this morning thanks to some heavy rain lashing against my window and my cat deciding my pillow was his new bed. Then my driving instructor called me up.. my lesson for today is cancelled because he has to take some other person for their driving test. Then I ran out of jam, and so couldn't have toast with jam!!!!

But anyway, enjoy those april fool jokes.

Meet my cat!

2008-03-31T01:29:00.000-07:00

Well, this is my beautiful cat Ralph! (or Ralf as I spell it).. hes just over a year old so hes still a baby even though hes got fat haha. This cat is so special to me though.. one day some guy came into our house to deliver our shopping (this was from a supermarket home delivery service). Anyway, as this guy comes in this little kitten comes running in after him. Hes scared, and runs about alot in that scared and frantic way, but I stroked him alot and give him some food and before you knew it he'd gobbled down the food the poor thing. I think he must have been really hungry and tired because after he ate all the food he was fast asleep on the bed! I never knew where he came from, nor did my mum or dad. But we excepted him, took care of him.. and he sorta found us really. He came to ours everyday, and soon he was sleeping on our laps. We did do a bit of investigation in our neighbourhood at the time and nobody had ever seen him before. He must have been a stray as he was not neutered, had no collar and wasn't micro chipped or tagged.
This was around May 2007, its now March 2008 and we've since moved house and taken him with us. We took him to the vet and got all the necessary treatments given to him and then we micro chipped him and registered him as ours! He has settled in fantastically and he's still the same old friendly and loving cat! I love him to bits I really do!