The DBag Monologues: with Dan Black

And so it ends.

2008-04-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

Ric Flair is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time...
This match was amazing, anyone even remotely interested in wrestling must see it.

LIKE BROTHER LIKE BROTHER

2008-03-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

When you grow up in the same room as another man, you get close…real close. My brother Neil (aka Butchy) and I shared a room our entire childhood. I was admittedly embarrassed about this growing up, but thinking back it was a real highlight of my life. As a result of this confinement, my brother and I have developed one douchy personality that we both share. We both have different interests, hobbies, waist size, and ball sacks, but when it comes down to it we are the same.

Nowadays, I live in Manhattan and my brother is attending college in Rhode Island, needless to say we don’t share the same room. However, every once and a while I believe our brains get on the same wavelength and as a result we engage in the same specific odd behavior.

A prime example of this behavior happened recently. My brother forwarded me an email that he sent to the Nabisco Corporation. He wrote this email completely intoxicated, he had a drunken urge to make a complaint with the Nabisco Corporation. Neil’s complaint was based on a famous Mitch Hedburg joke. Here is the email he sent:

From: Neil Black
Sent: Sat 2/23/2008 4:43 AM
To: Kraft - Nabisco Email Team
Subject: Your Comment/Question

I have a serious issue with the holes in your crackers. I feel like you are systimatically stealing precious cracker from the consumer with every bite. they are still delicious, and I love you for that. I want more effing cracker. Assholes.

Love,

Neil

Clearly a drunken email. Equally as funny is Nabisco’s response:

From: Kraft - Nabisco Email Team
Sent: Mon 2/25/2008 3:37 PM
To: Neil Black
Subject: RE: Your Comment/Question

Thank you for visiting http://www.nabiscoworld.com.

I appreciate the time you took to contact us. We're always pleased to hear from our consumers when they're enjoying our products. However, I was disappointed to hear of the experience you had with our crackers. Because we fell short of that goal, I'm sending you reimbursement to replace this product, via first class mail, which you should receive within 7-10 business days.

Your complete satisfaction is important to us. Please be assured we strive to maintain the high quality and standards of our products that you have come to know expect.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts.

Kim McMiller
Associate Director, Consumer Relations

Nabisco completely ignored the goofiness of Butchy’s comment. And this is how all corporations respond to email’s like this. If you want proof of that check out this drunken email I sent THE DAY BEFORE BUTCHY’S to my cable provider:

Friday 2/22/2008 9:12 PM

I have RCN and I am so disappointed. The service is terrible and the customer service is even worse. I hate you, you are pathetic. To top it off you don’t offer USA HD, and now that WWE is HD I can't watch it. What a let down. I’m going to go kill myself, Benoit style. Your pathetic.

Sexually yours,

Dan Black

P.S. your pathetic

You see the similarity? No? are you dumb? oh, you were kidding. Here is RCN’s response:

Monday 2/25/2008 1:01 PM

Dear Customer,

My name is Landry. Thank you for contacting the Email Support Staff. We are happy to provide you with the exceptional customer service you deserve.

In response to your recent email,

I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused you. I their is anything that we can do to assist you please do not hesitate to contact us at any time, you can contact us at 1-877-RCN-BILL (1-877-726-2455) between the hours of 8AM and 5PM, Monday – Friday or Technical Support at 1-866-TECH-RCN (1-866-832-4726), 24 hours a day seven days a week.

Thank you for your patience in this matter. If you should have any further questions or concerns please feel free to contact the Email Support Staff. We appreciate the opportunity to serve you.

Landry

RCN ignored a customers DEATH THREATS! It doesn't matter that it was blatant comedy. Anyway, I am not sure what possessed my brother and I to write these emails within a week of each other, I like to think it’s for a reason. One thing is for sure, both of these corporations don’t have a sense of humor.

Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Bee...or just drive a Taxi

2007-10-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

You gotta love camera phones.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

PROFESSOR DBAG

2007-08-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am an Alumni of the very mediocre University of Delaware. My school provided email address is Dblack@udel.edu, for the obvious reason that my name is Dan Black. However, there is a professor named David Black, you see the dilemma already? I received email from students all the time thinking that I was professor Black. At first I was real annoyed, but then I decided to just play along and fuck with the students a little bit. Here is an email I received from a Udel Student and my response…

Professor Black -

I missed class last Thursday because I had decided to withdraw from the class. I met with my advisor and have since decided against it. I know I missed homework assignments but I was wondering if I could turn them into tomorrow for you to just look over. Thank you for your time. See you in class tomorrow.

M. Snyder

Dear SNYDER,

NO, ONCE AN ASSIGNMENT IS MISSED, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY TAKEN OFF THE CLASS ROSTER. IF SOMEHOW YOU SWINDLE YOUR MEASLY CARCASS BACK INTO THE CLASS, I WILL FAIL YOU RIGHT AWAY, UNLESS YOU DROP OFF A HAVANA LIME BURRITO FROM CALIFORNIA TORTILLA IN MY OFFICE AT 14:00 MILITARY TIME. YOU ARE THE WORST STUDENT EVER, WITH THE LAMEST EXCUSES. ID RATHER WORK AT HAPPY HARRYS OR SLAM MY BALLS IN A CAR DOOR THAN DEAL WITH YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE CATALOG.

BY THE WAY, DO YOU HAVE A COPY OF ENYA'S GREATEST HITS. I JUST GOT IT, ITS PHENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMNAL. ITS ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE SOUNDTRACK FROM DUNSTON CHECKS IN. REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN WE WENT SURFING IN DEWEY. THAT WAS AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE CHICKEN PARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY, HOPE ALL IS WELL. IM JUST KIDDING YOU GET AN A IN THE CLASS. A FOR ABSENT. JUST KIDDING....YOU GET A B..... B FOR BORING....... JUST KIDDING YOU GET A C.......C FOR CHAMBER OF SECRETS. IN ALL SERIOUSNESS YOU GET A D...D FOR DEE FROM CLUELESS. JUST MESSIN YOU GET AN E...NO PUN YOUR GETTING AN E. YOU SLUT!

PROF.BLACK

SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!!!!!!/ROENICK RETIRES

2007-07-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For the 3 of you that complained, DanielBlack.com will be updated wayyyyyy more frequently from now on!!!! I fucking promise son!!!!! Also, I am trying to make this page interactive, so don’t be shy write in, doesn’t even need to be relevant, I just want to hear what you are thinking. Start by responding to this…

ROENICK RETIRES!!!!!!

After 18 seasons, NHL hockey star Jeremy Roenick has announced his retirement from professional hockey at the age of 37. Roenick was a nine time All-Star and became the third-leading American goal-scorer in NHL history, with 495 goals. Who gives a fuck! Well, actually…I kinda do. Normally a professional athlete retiring means about as much to me as Elton John’s song about Princess Diana. However, Jeremy Roenick’s retirement is different, because….uh…um…it makes me think of stuff. Yeah! That’s it, sorry no big reason. Heres that stuff:

- NHL 94 on SEGA Genesis: That game is so “money” and more specifically, as Swingers so accurately portrays, Roenick dominates that game. The Chicago Blackhawks are the team to be in NHL 94, and its no secret why. Roenick’s wrap around is deadly. “It’s not me whose good its Roenick, he’s good.” Vince Vaughn can attribute a sliver of his success to Roenick’s ability in NHL 94.

- My hockey Jersey Collection: In 1995 I used to wear NHL jerseys all the time. Nowadays, it’s not cool to rock hockey jerseys, but in 1995 it wasn’t cool either. However, I thought they were the shit (“the shit” terrible expression). But the best part of all is that I didn’t wear them to class or to actually play hockey, no no noooo. I wore these Jerseys out on the weekend when I was going to hang out with girls. Better yet, if it was the winter I would wear a turtleneck underneath. My favorite jersey was a Blackhawks Jeremy Roenick jersey. It was an authentic replica of the jersey that Jeremy Roenick actually wore, except for one minor detail…instead of Roenick, the back of my jersey said BLACK. That’s right, I customized my Roenick jersey to wear with a turtleneck to hang out with girls. I was trying to trick 5th grade girls into thinking I was a professional hockey player. And not just any player, I wanted the ladies to think I was actually Jeremy Roenick.

Jeremy W’s Room – My dear friend Eric’s older brother, Jeremy, was a huge Jeremy Roenick/Blackhawks fan. My guess is because both of their names are Jeremy. Jeremy’s room had a Roenick poster hanging over his bed and a hockey stick signed by Roenick in the corner. More importantly, I saw my first porno in this same room with all my friends. Oddly enough the male porn star in the video looked exactly like my dad. Still to this day my friends think my dad is shadily a porn star.

GOOD LUCK TO JEREMY ROENICK ON ALL HIS FUTURE ENDEAVORS. THANKS FOR BEING A PART OF MY LIFE!

DID JEREMY ROENICK HAVE AN EFFECT ON YOUR LIFE, OR DOES HIS RETIREMENT MAKE YOU THINK OF ANYTHING!!!!!! IF SO POST A COMMENT, if not POST A COMMENT STILL!!!!!!!

KENNY G THEORIES!!! keep em comin!

2007-07-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

YESSSS!!!! The responses keep rolling in:

Oh, God - - I've stayed at Kenny G's Malibu seaside estate so many times; I hope it wasn't me while in the throes of the act of love. You kind of lose control of your lovemaking in Kenny G's place. ~ Billy Poorten, Esq.

"Dude, the culprit is right there in the story. Maybe throwing protein bars at children is the only release Mrs. Kenny G has nowadays." ~ Anonymous

"The answers right under ur nose in any ordinary dictionary... Ken- Perception; understanding....... everything that someone with autism does not have.... Its Kenny G himself." ~ Anonymous

Genius! KEEP ON SENDING IN YOUR THEORIES!!!! I am going to send these into the Los Angeles Police Dept.

if you are confused read post below for clarification...

2007-07-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

KENNY NEEDS YOUR HELP!

This past week one of America's top cultural icons was involved in a very tragic situation. Of course I'm referring to the extremely handsome, curly haired, mild mannered Soprano sax player, Kenneth Goerlick, better known by his unmistakable stage name Kenny G. Back in the early 90's you would be hard pressed to find a heterosexual male who lost his virginity without the aid of smooth jazz courteously of Mr. G.

On June 23, some hooligans trespassed onto Kenny G's Malibu beach side estate and decided to launch Powerbar's and Hershey Kisses off the 50ft balcony. One beach patron was injured by these harmful snacks, Brooke Porter a 9 year old girl needed 4 stitches in her head. Brooke was at the beach with her family including her 12 year old brother who suffers from Down Syndrome and Autism. Kenny G's wife covered all of the medical expenses.

These fiends are still at large, and I think its our duty to unmask the culprits of these heinous crimes. That is why I am asking any readers of this site to please write in any theories they might have on who threw these snacks at young innocent Brooke Porter via Kenny G's balcony. Send an email to dblack121@gmail.com or just post your theory directly in the comment section. I will post all entries on the main page of the site. ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT KENNY G RELATED INJURIES!

Here is what I think might of happened….

It is common knowledge that NFL quarterback Doug Flutie has an Autistic son, and is one of the top spokesmen for the cause. Mr. Flutie is such an advocate of autism, that he actually hates children who don't have Autism. I mean who makes an exclusive cereal for autistic children? Seriously! Also, there are only a handful of men who could successfully nail a target from 50 ft up, Flutie being one of them. My theory is that on June 23, 2007 Mr. Flutie threw a perfect spiral at the Porter family's only healthy child's head, with the intent of making poor little Brooke retarded. Just like his attempts at the championship, Flutie failed. Oh and also, Doug Flutie hates Kenny G.

OR

I hate to constantly mention Chuck Norris, but if his piss really is Red Bull, than he clearly wouldn’t hesitate to throw away a perfectly good PowerBar. Oh and also, Chuck Norris hates Kenny G.

OR

Anyone with the first name Ken, Kenneth, or Kenny, and whose last name begins with the letter G - C'mon this one is obvious, id be bitter too.

SEND IN YOUR THEORIES DBLACK121@GMAIL.COM or post in the comments section!!

The Prankster

2007-07-01T21:45:00.001-07:00

Dan just can't stop pranking Jshebs...

Graduating DBAG...

2007-06-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

2007-06-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

FACEBOOK

To say that I didn’t see it coming would be a flat out lie. My joining of the Facebook was as inevitable as Anakin's betrayal, Nixon's resignation, and Enrique's Mole Removal. Facebook is just the tip of the iceberg, my slow slip into the world of generic has been an unstoppable force the past few years.

I think it started in college when I decided that I was a weight lifter. The first time I picked up a dumb bell I thought I could kick ass, after my first leg press, I was Chuck Norris. Before long I was a full fledged tough guy, in a fraternity, and an avid Dispatch fan.

I can remember one night I hit rock bottom. I was playing beer pong on my frat's porch, and I was actually enjoying myself. As I looked down to pick up a filthy ping pong ball that I intended on voluntarily launching into my own beverage, I noticed something. I was wearing army cargo shorts. Here I was, a wannabe fighter/self proclaimed anti-war activist, wearing farce army fatigues. I was out of control.

I'd like to say that post college it's been different for me, but that also would be a lie. I've been known to vote for American Idol, read Page Six, and even comment on the Yankees pitching staff. Recently, I was feeling blue and I stopped into my local bar unbuttoned my shirt and ordered 2 plays of "Pour Some Sugar on Me" from the jukebox.

It gets worse, last weekend I brought a girl back to my apartment. I fucking lost it. I popped my collar, cracked open an acoustic guitar case, and played the only song I know, "Crash" by Dave Matthews Band. I belted out this jam like it was some kind of masculine sexy necessary mating ritual, yuck!

I'm working on getting better. "Generisism" is a disease. Facebook is my virtual support group. When I get that itch, that uncontrollable urge to lose my pride and self dignity by doing something horrendously unoriginal, I turn to you. You and the thousands of other facebookers around the world who get me by with their insightful quotes, wonderful inside jokes, and Hilarious photo albums. So before you commit libel via my Wall, or virtually pollute my Grafitti Wall, remember why I am here….to get pussy without talking to bitches face to face.

Zuckenberg © 2007

2007-06-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

To start this bad boy off, I figured id share with you a recent true story from my life, hopefully you can relate…….

Static
I'm convinced that my apartment building is the static electricity epicentre of Manhattan. Literally no one can touch anything without getting an annoying slightly painful shock to the finger tip. At least I thought everyone gets shocked until one seemingly normal afternoon……

I returned to my apartment building after a long lonely winter stroll through central park. I entered the elevator with a tall broad man who kinda looked like a mix between Zangief from street fighter, Dolph Lundgren, and Mikhail Gorbachev (Михаил Сергеевич Горбачёв). What I’m trying to say is that he was Russian, a huge Russian dude. For the purposes of this story I will give him a random name….hmmm…I don’t know…how about Boris. I kindly asked Boris to press the button to my floor because he was closer to the elevator control panel. Boris didn’t hear me. I repeated myself loud and clear, still no reaction. Boris was pretending not to hear me, but he literally had no distraction to play off on. He is just fucking standing there looking at me and not pressing the button or saying anything. Awkwardly I reach over and press the button and whatda ya know, I get a huge electrical shock. YEAAAH. At that exact moment the door opened, Boris takes out a notepad jots something down and exits the elevator. As the elevator doors closes he turns his head, takes a quick glance at me and smirks. At that exact second I developed two theories:

1. Boris is a real asshole
or
2. My apartment building is Anti-Semitic, like the actual physical structure of my apartment complex hates Jewish people. And to show its utter resentment, Normandie Court Rental Apartments has chosen to send a surge of harmless static electricity into the fingertips of unsuspecting Jewish victims.

To test my theory I needed a control, someone who is 100 percent not Jewish. And I mean 100 percent, because even though some of these supposed Gentiles have gorgeous Michael Bolton blonde hair and crystal blue Patrick Swayze eyes, there is always the chance they have a Jewish 3rd cousin hiding, bound and gagged, somewhere in their family tree. What I needed was………a black person.

The next day I remembered that there was a young African American fella living on my floor. And by “on my floor” I mean he rents an apartment on the same floor as I do, don’t be a racist! Anyway, I quickly devised a plan and put it in motion. I was going to wait by the elevators until the African American man went to use the elevator. I’d get in the elevator with him, wait till he presses a button, and see if the building shocks his Non-Jewish fingertips.

That afternoon, I waited in the hallway for a few hours, until finally my neighbour reared his handsome chocolate face. I didn't catch his name so for simplicity purposes lets call him…hmmm…uhhh….I don’t know….Patrick Ewing. As Patrick Ewing approaches the elevator I decided to make small talk. "Cold January, eh?" He turned to me and politely said, "Yeah, I am still not use to the winters here..." The elevator door opened and we both entered. I pressed the close door button,><, and I get a huge shock, obviously. Patrick reaches towards the control panel and presses the Lobby button, He gets a huge shock. Oddly, I start feeling upset that my Anti-Semitic theory wasn't true, and I was pissed that my other theory was true…Boris the Russian was an asshole.

At this point, I decided to strike up conversation with my ethnic neighbour. "Hey Patrick….I mean….Neighbour, you said you aren’t used to the winter weather here, where are you originally from?" Patrick turned his head, looked straight in my eyes and said, "Ethiopia MAN". I immediately notice a charm dangling around his neck, it’s a lavish gold Star of David. Patrick is an Ethiopian Jew!!! I did not take into account that my African neighbour might be Beta Israel, an Ethiopian group of black Jews who were recognized by the Israeli government as legally Jewish in 1975. Before you could say StoolieMagoolie, the elevator came to an abrupt stop. The lights went off and a beam of electricity shot down from the ceiling. As the beam hit the floor a blinding flash of light filled the elevator cabin. When the flash dissipated, I could see the outline of a short man in a clean tight fitting uniform with a small black mustache, it was Adolf Hitler. I immediately turned to Patrick Ewing and said "I knew it!" He quickly replied "No you didn’t!" We both crouched down in the corner hugging and screaming for our dear lives.

Hitler reached at his side and took out his German Nazi whip and screamed at the top of his German Nazi lungs, "im gehend, Sie zu töten bumsende Juden!" Which roughly translates to, "I'm going to kill you fucking Jews!" Patrick and I screamed for our lives as Hitler wound up. All of the sudden the elevator doors began to creak, and than it slammed open with tremendous force. It was Boris the Russian with a mean grin on his face. Hitler dropped his whip and cried out in fear, Boris approached him slowly with a clenched fist. Hitler pointed his arms towards Boris and a beam of static electricity shot from his fingertips. The electricity struck Boris but had no effect. Boris wound up and punched Hitler in the face. Hitler flew across the cabin, hit against the wall. As Hitler hit the floor he screamed "NOOOO, ill get you kykes next time!!!" Hitler's body morphed back into static form and retreated into the wall. Simultaneously, the lights came back on and the elevator began to operate properly. Boris unclenched his fists, turned to Patrick and I, and boldly stated, "Hitler only has one weakness….Russians in the winter!"

Paying the Rent

2007-06-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Salami Bros need to pay the rent....

Mr. Belvedere

2007-05-31T11:16:00.001-07:00

Dan has an unlikely house guest...

Mr. Belvedere

2007-05-31T11:16:00.000-07:00

2007-05-11T20:02:00.001-07:00

2007-05-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

2007-05-08T00:36:00.000-07:00

The Salami Bros. WWW.MYSPACE.COM/SALAMIBROS