Rain Shadow People

Trial Separation

2007-08-07T20:32:00.000-07:00

Dear ~~John~~ Internet,

Hey, baby! Listen, I've been doing some soul searching lately, and - well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it: I think we could both use a time out. It's not you, it's me. We've been spending so much time together that I've been feeling kind of smothered. Like I don’t even know where you end and I begin. And let's face it – you've changed, too. Used to be we could just hang out, read, play some games. Watch porn. Now you're all about the LOLZ. Social networking and amateur videos. It's just not my style. And I have to be honest: I've met someone. Let's call her "RL." She doesn't even seem to know I'm alive right now, but maybe I could change all that if I had a bit more space to operate. So here's the deal: I'm going to put our relationship on hold to give RL a chance for a while. If I don't call, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I'm a selfish jerk.

Yours truly,

IRFH

It’s Raining Lasagna (Vegetarian Edition)

2007-06-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

[Per request from MetaChat, posted here for space considerations. I promise it's much simpler than it looks at first glance. I've over-explained, just because I can.]

The secret to making perfect lasagna is a complex sauce, a good cheese blend, and correct layering. I used to make the sauce entirely from scratch, and cut, chop and shred all of my herbs, vegetables, and cheeses by hand. I rarely have time to do so anymore, and have found ways to incorporate prepared foods without losing any of the personality. I don't actually measure spices as I add them, anymore, since I've made this many, many times, but the measurements here should get you close enough to modify according to your own tastes. This makes a HUGE batch, by-the-way, completely filling a 12 x 16 x 2 inch lasagna pan. The two of us usually get several meals out of half, and freeze the other half for later.

I'm including the brand names of the products I actually use most often (all trademarks & registered brands belong to blah, blah, blah, not me, you know the drill), but feel free to substitute. I would suggest that you adjust the recipe if you go with a cheaper prepared product, though. A cheaper sauce may need more seasoning and simmer time to really balance the flavors, for example, and a shredded cheese blend with fewer varieties of cheese should be supplemented. Don't leave out the fontina, for example. I'm telling you...

[Note for carnivores: For anyone interested, the only difference between this vegetarian recipe and my regular recipe is that I usually crumble and pan fry a half pound to a pound of Italian chicken sausage in a tablespoon or two of extra virgin olive oil and add it to the sauce along with the vegetables. I like it that way, but there's so much going on with this dish that I never actually miss it if I leave it out.]

Ingredients

Sauce:

1 @ 26 oz. Bottle of Classico Fire Roasted Tomato & Garlic Pasta Sauce (or equivalent volume of favorite pasta sauce or plain tomato sauce)
2 @ 14.5 oz. Cans Ready-cut Tomatoes (I use S&W Italian Recipe w/ Diced Garlic, Oregano & Basil, and/or Diced w/ Roasted Garlic)
3 Tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 @ Green Bell Peppers
1 @ Small Sweet Yellow Onion
3 to 4 Cloves Garlic
1 @ 13.75 oz. Can Quartered Artichoke Hearts in Water (I use Napoleon brand)
1 @ 2.25 oz. Can Sliced Ripe Black Olives (whatever is available)
1 @ 16 oz. Package Pre-sliced Ostrom’s Crimini Mushrooms (or slice equivalent)
¼ to ½ Cup Red Wine (I prefer cabernet, myself, but the idea is it should be something good enough to drink with dinner if you’re in the mood to do so, but cheap enough to cook with if you’d rather not imbibe. Last night, I used about a 1/3 cup of Yellowtail Shiraz/Cabernet)
1 Portabella Mushroom Cap (pre-sliced package, scrape the gills – or cut the cap from the stem of a full portabella, above the gills, and slice) cut into one inch pieces

Herbs & Spices (Measurements Approximate):

1 teaspoon Taragon
¾ teaspoon Basil
¾ teaspoon Fennel Seed
1/8 teaspoon Caraway Seed
1/8 teaspoon Anise Seed
¼ teaspoon Garlic Salt
½ teaspoon Dried Parsley
½ teaspoon Crushed Rosemary
½ teaspoon Thyme
½ teaspoon Oregano
1 Bay Leaf (tear in half)
Sea Salt (a few shakes to taste)
Cracked Pepper (a few turns to taste)
1 ½ Tablespoons Brown Sugar
A Dash of Cinnamon (less than 1/8 teaspoon)

Cheese:

8 Cups Shredded Cheese, Including Mozzarella, Provolone, Asiago, Parmesan, Fontina, Romano, and Cheddar

I usually buy it as follows:
3 @ 2 cup packages of Food Club Italian blend. I believe that Sargentos has a similar blend. The important point is that this is the exact same blend that I used to grate by hand, so I was very happy when they started selling it pre-shredded. It includes Mozzarella, Provolone, Asiago, Parmesan, Fontina, and Romano

1 @ 2 cup package of Tillamook Tuscan Blend. It includes more Mozzarella and Parmesan, but also adds enough Cheddar to improve the crust
32 oz. Low Fat Ricotta (I normally use Frigo)

Pasta:

16 Full Length Ronzoni Lasagna Noodles (or equivalent – lay dry noodles out in your lasagna pan ahead of time and calculate how many it will take to completely cover the surface with some overlap, then double the number – this is a two layer recipe)
You Should Always Have More Than One Bullet Point in a List

Preparation

Fill an 8 qt. stockpot approximately half full with water, dribble a few drops of olive oil in the water, and set on high to boil
While water is heating, chop green peppers, onions, and portabellas, and mince garlic
When stockpot of water reaches a hard boil, add lasagna noodles and cook at a rolling boil according to package directions for al dente doneness, approximately 10 minutes. As noodles soften, be sure to push all the way down into the water
Add 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil to a large skillet
Sauté green peppers, onions, and garlic over medium heat until soft, about 5 minutes, stirring frequently
Sprinkle a dash of Tarragon and Basil over the vegetables, add portabellas, and cook for 2 additional minutes, or until vegetables and mushrooms are soft; set aside
When lasagna noodles are done, carefully drain noodles into pasta strainer in sink
To save on dishes, use the same 8 qt. stockpot to cook your sauce – you don’t even need to rinse it
Add pasta sauce and ready-cut tomatoes to the empty 8 qt. stockpot, setting jar and cans aside without rinsing
Bring sauce to a low boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally; cover and reduce to low heat
Add the red wine to one empty tomato can, swirl to mix with the leftover juice, then pour into the other empty can. Pour back into original can and repeat until the sides of the two cans are mostly clean. Pour the resulting liquid into the empty pasta jar. Seal the lid and shake until the remains are well mixed. Set aside
Open and drain quartered artichoke hearts and black olive slices
Add sautéed vegetables, artichoke hearts and black olives, and all of the spices and herbs to the sauce. Stir well. Add crimini mushrooms, then pour the wine/sauce liquid reserve from the pasta jar over the top of the mushrooms. When the wine has been absorbed by the mushrooms, stir the mushrooms in with the rest of the sauce and cover
Cover and simmer over low heat for 15 minutes
Open your bags of cheese (or begin grating… now) and your container of ricotta. Set up your station for filling the lasagna pan
If lasagna noodles are too hot too handle, rinse with cold water
Carefully taste the piping-hot sauce. Adjust seasonings to your liking

Assembly

If you are planning to cook the lasagna right away, preheat the oven now to 350 degrees
Ladle half of your sauce into the bottom of the lasagna pan. The sauce should be very thick by now, but still have enough liquid to cover the bottom of the pan and keep the lasagna from sticking to the bottom of the pan
Cover the sauce with half of the noodles laid out flat with the edges overlapping. Try to completely cover the sauce
Plop spoonfuls of ricotta randomly over the noodles until half of the ricotta has been used. The heat from the sauce below the noodles should quickly soften the ricotta, allowing you to smooth the ricotta over the noodles somewhat evenly
Cover the ricotta with half of the cheese blend
Repeat steps 2 through 5 until ingredients gone
Caution – assembled dish is fairly heavy
Assembled lasagna can be covered with plastic wrap and stored in the refrigerator for up to a day in advance

Cooking

To cook immediately, set on middle rack in oven and cook in pre-heated oven at 350 degrees for approximately 45 minutes, checking after 30 minutes (ovens vary)
If the lasagna has been pre-assembled and refrigerated, you’ll probably need to cook it for an entire hour

Note To Self: Things YOU Can Do To Stop Global Warming

2007-06-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Shut the damned door and turn off the furnace! What are you trying to do - heat up the whole outdoors?!
Stop eating so many energy bars
Recycle plastic - Melt down Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan to make next year's celebutants
Don't wear the black dress
Stick lumps of coal up ass; make diamonds

Hamster Deathmatch

2007-05-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

Two furballs enter, one furball leaves. Acute, cute battle for the big habitrail in the sky. No actual hamsters were harmed in the making of this post. Much.

Can't Keep A Good Man Down...

2007-05-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

...or me, neither.

So, I'm finally back from the hospital, and recovering fine. I still have pain from the clots and from the damaged kidney, and I get tired real easy, but I'm already bored, so that's a good sign. It will probably be at least a few more days until I can really hang-out online again, because one of the dvt (deep vein thrombosis) clots is around the inside of my right elbow and typing isn't all that pleasant. Which pretty much means you only get me when I'm on drugs. Which, if I'm being totally honest, is about 75% of the time right now. But, yeah. Not so much for the sense-making. So that's the update. Thanks again for all of your good thoughts and best wishes. It meant a lot to me.

Out Sick...

2007-04-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't really been hospitalized for exhaustion, though. I'm just laid up with a chest full of lung-butter oyster stew and a high fever that I just. can't. shake. My temp.'s been under 100 for about 3 hours out of the last 72, and that's on medication. Every time I get toward the end of my dose it climbs back up to 102 or 103. So I am exhausted, and my life right now is pretty much all about hanging out in bed all day, drinking, and taking drugs, but not like that. So, I guess my point is, if you can read this, go wash your hands. Or run a Norton sweep.

If The Internet Were On TV: The Equations

2007-04-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

Boing Boing: Space Ghost Coast to Coast + 60 Minutes + Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip + McGyver = The A-Team. Well, The B-Team, anyway. Either way: RIAA? You better watch your backs, fools!

Suicide Girls: America’s Next Top Model + Attack of the Show! + The Real World = The Apprentice. Is it exploitation or empowerment? Who cares. If you’re not 17–36, conventionally unconventional and hawt, you’re fired!

Wil Wheaton dot Net (WWdN: In Exile): My Name is Earl + Family Matters + Celebrity Poker Showdown + Wheel of Fortune (I’d like to buy another “L”, Pat) = Max Headroom

Google = TV Guide

YouTube: America’s Funniest Home Videos + Nova + Public Access Television + Jackass = The Gong Show

Fark: The Gong Show + WrestleMania = When Animals Attack

MetaFilter: Mythbusters + The McLaughlin Group + The Soup + American Idol + Antiques Roadshow + Talk Sex with Sue Johanson = The Simpsons. Or Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? I can’t decide. Maybe both, I guess. So what's The Simpsons + Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader? Ah. Got it. MetaFilter = South Park. I should have known. You bastards!

Which Food Network Celebrity Would You Eat?

2007-04-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

You're on board when the Food Network's private jet loses an engine and crash lands in the Andes. All of the network's celebrities survive. So... who do you eat? There are a few criteria to keep in mind:

1) Bam! for the buck. You'd want to pick someone with a bit of meat on the bones. Giada may look good enough to eat, but she'd hardly make for a feast.
2) Tenderness. Age may bring wisdom and superior wine, but youth just tastes better on the barbie. Paula Deen might be a good source of ready-made jerky, though, for the long hike out of the wilderness.
3) Quality of feed. Okay, more than one of the celebrity cooks are packing a few extra meals around on their frames, but what ingredients went into making all that well-marbled meat? If you are what you eat, you just know Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray are at least 75% artificial preservatives.
4) Cooking chops. Once the menu has been selected and dispatched, someone has to prepare it. You'd probably want to keep the best chefs around for sheer aesthetics. And because they'll cut you. Very, very efficiently.
5) Annoyance factor. Sure, Bobby Flay is the BBQ king, and undoubtedly the most qualified to whip up an expedient long pork banquet. You get the sense it's something he's done more than once before. But would you really want to be trapped on a mountainside with him?

All things considered, I'm voting go with the flo. Tyler Florence - it's what's for dinner.

Totally Childish Time Machine Hacks

2007-04-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

Travel to: 1895. Hack: The Time Machine, by H.G. Wells. Mod: Add brief descriptive text about the “Flux Capacitor”
Travel to: 1936. Hack: The international broadcast of the Berlin Olympic Games. Mod: Shave one side of Hitler’s moustache
Travel to: The Beginning. Hack: Everything. Mod: This is the way the world starts. Not with a Big Bang, but with a Big Whimper
Travel to: 1184 BC. Hack: The Trojan Horse. Mod: Paint “For her pleasure” on horse’s ribs
Travel to: 1812. Hack: Napoléon Bonaparte. Mod: Crazy glue right hand to chest. Short sheet his cot (will have to be very, very short)
Travel to: July 20, 1969. Hack: The Apollo 11 moon landing. Mod: Stick Suction Cup Garfield Plush to inside window. Attach “My Other Vehicle is a Lunar Rover, Bitch” bumper sticker. Change “Apollo 11” to “Capricorn One.” Replace Tang with Folgers Crystals
Travel to: Sept. 11, 2001. Hack: The Pet Goat. Mod: Change title to My Pet Goatse. Replace text with mirror. When Bush spreads the covers, the asshole in the middle will be clear.

Kids These Days...

2007-04-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

If you're like me (and you're not), it might be getting a little hard to tell just who all those little bastards are out there messing up your lawn. For a scorecard to keep the players straight, try yourscenesucks.com.

Confidential To Wendell

2007-04-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

Everything's fine. It was beautiful out today, so I went for a walk - then my head got too big to fit back through the door.

Piggish Latin: The Nested Fallacies Of The W Doctrine

2007-04-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

This Just In...

2007-03-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Playground Rules

WASHINGTON, March 21, 2007
(IRFH) President Bush invoked the “I Know You Are, But What Am I?” defense this week in response to the Federal Prosecutor Firings (FPF) scandal, labeling congressional efforts to determine whether the firings of eight federal prosecutors were based entirely on partisan politics as “partisan politics.” Washington insiders have speculated that this move may perhaps signal a change in overall Whitehouse Scandal-Response Tactics (WSRTs), which until this week were primarily “I’m Rubber And You’re Glue, Whatever You Say Bounces Off Of Me And Sticks To You”-based. One senior administration official who refused to be named for this article claimed that the administration is rapidly running out of official “Bouncers” to rebuke the President’s detractors, while another unnamed source attributes the switch primarily to Bush’s difficulty remembering whether he’s supposed to represent rubber or glue.

Though Congress has yet to respond officially, one unidentified Senator was overheard confiding to his Personal Hollywood Lobbyist (PHL) that the Republicans should anticipate being put in a very long time out.

Passive-Aggressive Ninja: Driving To Jaded

2007-03-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

...But Maybe Armageddon Will Be Cute

2007-03-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

Some say the world will end in fire...

You Can't Handle The Truth

2007-03-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

Hoof In Mouth Disease

2007-03-05T14:15:00.000-08:00

Other terms Ann Coulter won't be using to refer to John Edwards:

Articulate
President
Babydaddy
Sugartits McJewsalot

Nature Abhors A Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

2007-03-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

Ockham's Spa Resort

2007-02-23T16:12:00.000-08:00

Mr. Rotten Potato Head

2007-02-23T00:56:00.000-08:00

Supply-Side Economics

2007-02-22T22:20:00.000-08:00

Everything you really need to know
about supply-side economics
can be learned by watching The Roadrunner.
Not everyone can be a roadrunner,
and coyotes are pretty much doomed
to be coyotes, but you should invest heavily
in the ACME Corporation, regardless.

Because so long as there are roadrunners
and coyotes, there will always be
an imbalance of power, and hunger,
and a nearly genetic refusal
to learn from the failures of history.

And even if it would be cheaper
to order takeout every night, roadrunners
and coyotes are tradition-bound creatures,
set by God or fate in eternal opposition--
and wouldn’t you just kill
for a pair of rocket-powered roller skates?

Four Personality Types of a Corpolypse

2007-02-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

Does it feel like the end times for your company? Maybe it is. Take a look at this handy chart of the 4 basic business disaster precursor personality types and see where you fit in the cycle of despair.

Slivers

2007-02-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

At first it was just Bennie and me, hauling ass along US 87 in the brand new '65 Ford Galaxie 500 convertible I'd stolen back in Denver. We'd had the top down all morning, and the high plains wind was whipping us like dogs. Bennie was having a hard time keeping his hat on, and the sight of him clamping that stupid out-dated fedora to the top of his head gave me a sudden fit of the giggles. I banged on the horn a few times to punctuate my amusement, swerving dangerously.

"Where the hell do you think that hat's going to go, you mangy reptile?"

Bennie flicked his elegant tongue lazily in my direction and gave me the evil eye.

I howled.

Due to the nature of my disease, it's impossible to be absolutely certain of anything; but I believe that I have met The Devil and lived to tell about it; and I believe that if you meet him, he'll as soon wear your own face as another...

[Read more!]

Wordsmiting

2007-02-12T22:29:00.000-08:00

sheam [shēm] n.
1. Guilt associated with actions occurring only in dreams.

2. Remorse following the sudden realization that hours of fantasies of outwitting the detectives on TV's CSI or Law and Order franchises almost incidentally also include plotting grievous bodily injury to members of your own family.

bus fucked [bŭs fŭk'd] n.
The state of having been pinned behind a stopped or slow-moving bus by the endless line of cars behind you switching lanes and passing too quickly for you to also get around.

wall of impenetrable ignorance [wôl ŭv ĭm-pĕn'ĭ-trə-bəl ĭg'nər-əns] n.
The unbreakable line formed when the lead cars in every lane of the highway drive unnecessarily slowly at exactly the same rate of speed, trapping miles of traffic behind them in a tide of seething rage.

I Get Mail...

2007-02-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

> From: Ted H.
> Sent: Tuesday, February 6, 2007 3:26 PM
> To: itsrainingmetaflo@hotmail.com
> Subject: A guy can dream, can't he?
>
> Oh, man, I had the freakiest dream last night! I'm at this posh lake resort when all of a sudden, Julia Roberts walks up with a bunch of her people. Julia Freakin' Roberts! And, oh, man she's happy to see me! Turns out we're very close friends. She gives me a big, warm hug, and we ditch the entourage to go sit together by the lake.

I kind of lie back and Julia curls up in my arms. I stroke her hair and kiss the back of her neck, and she holds me as tight as she can. And the whole time I'm telling her how beautiful she is, how wonderful; and how nobody realizes how special she really is as a person, as a woman - but I know.

And she's soaking it up, she's just absolutely loving and craving this shit. It's like our private ritual: I bathe her in unconditional love, and she's rejuvenated. And we're both filled with indescribable joy.

Then I woke up alone, and it felt like my guts had been ripped out! Talk about your nightmares! I mean: Julia Freakin' Roberts! What a talentless hack!