Relationship Rap with Robin

Robin to do Chat with Women

2009-06-01T12:52:00.004-04:00

I will be a guest on a cool radio show on Monday, June 29th, 11:45AM EST. Hope you'll tune in. Visit www.chatwithwomen.com to hear me that day, and it will remain posted on the site.

You can listen to the Chat With Women Radio Show 5 days a week! Pam and Rochelle bring you their pearls of wisdom, insightful tips and crafty wit.

I look forward to it, and hope you'll listen in.

Slack

2009-05-10T14:08:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I had a speaking gig at the Long Beach Public Library in NY.

Though I'm under the weather, I did not want to cancel. And, I was ultimately pleased with the way it worked out.

It was interesting. I wound up speaking to an almost all geriatric crowd, and what a feisty bunch they were.

I find that age makes a difference re: what I share and what is pertinent to their lifestyle. So, I tried to be conscious of this.

I invited, as I always do, comment from the audience, and there was much discussion.

One of the topics that particularly arose I'd like to discuss now.

One of the gals in the audience told attendees how she went out to socialize and was approached by a man who she wound up talking to for a bit. At the close of the conversation, he gave her his business card, in what felt like a forward manner, and told her that she should contact him and perhaps they could get together.

She did not know what to make of it and was somewhat put off by the fact that he didn't also take her number. She felt that he was relying on her to make the move, and she was not comfortable in that role. Additionally, she didn't think she was particularly interested, and on top of it, didn't like feeling in the dating "hot" seat. So there were a combination of factors are work here.

This caused huge debate at my talk. Another woman in the audience, with two grown married sons, shared how one of her daughter-in-laws actively pursued her son, and he actually welcomed it. That he was on the shyer side, and now they're happily married.

She said that, in her opinion, men can be fragile. And, that women often assume that guys should take the leadership role in the dating arena.

My response was that generally speaking most women are more comfortable if a man takes the lead. Then, at least they know where they stand. And, you don't have to question the level of interest someone has in you. Won't most men, even the shy ones, try their best to stick their neck out when it comes to asking a woman out who they like?

Her point was that men are insecure too. And, sometimes they don't have someone they can really talk do. Women are better at reaching out to each other for support and insight.

I do agree with both these points. Many of my male love coaching clients come to see me because they want to do the right thing and don't always know what that is. I can help guide them and offer a female perspective. Their goal is to please so they can succeed on the social front, but how to do that?

Ultimately, my talk concluded, with the audience being in resounding agreement, that we all have to cut each other some slack. Everyone wants to be happy, and affairs of the heart can be complex. There are no hard 'n fast rules. Often you just have to learn to trust your gut and intuition.

But, at the end of the day, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Most of us yearn for love in our lives. There's no one way to find it, but if we treat each other with respect and kindness, socializing might be a bit less stressful.

Patterns

2009-03-13T16:50:00.003-04:00

Do you have a pattern?

I'm referring to a pattern of dating?

Do you have a habit of gravitating toward the same type of person, and it continually fails to work out?

This is not unusual.

Most people would say they have a "type" that appeals to them

Part of it is looks.

Profession could play role.

Sense of humor.

Interests.

etc.

There are many things that contribute to "type."

While it's natural, it can ultimately prove self-defeating.

It's important to examine your choices.

What to do if you recognize that you tend to both attract and be attracted to a guy or gal who isn't commitment-minded, and you are ready to find a life partner?

Consider what it is that appeals to you.

I would definitely first urge you to explore your own readiness.

Are you truly poised to walk down the aisle or do you just think you should be ready? There is a difference.

If the answer is a resounding "yes" you're reading, then why do you continually seek out those who aren't on the same page as you?

Years ago, I had a single girlfriend who was very attractive and never attracted a marriage-ready guy. She and I would go out dancing, and inevitably the guys that would come over to her were the ones that had the never to strike a conversation. To many, her looks would be intimidating. Not that she was even aware of her own looks. She was one of the most down-to-earth girls I knew, and still is, and we remain close friends. But, the bar/club scene wasn't working for her.

I told her she needed to shake things up, and I wrote/placed a personal ad for her. Ultimately, she met her husband through it, and since he seldom, if ever, went to bars/club, she would not have had a way to meet him if she kept on the socializing path she was pursuing.

Like herself, she needed, for the long run, a more down-to-earth guy who would treat her well....yes someone she was attracted to, could laugh with, respected, have a family with ....etc....but until I mentioned a personal ad to her, she didn't recognize that she needed to take a different approach. And, while his looks didn't necessarily knock her out immediately, there was an attraction on a deeper level, and they are happily married with kids today.

I urge you to take a look at your patterns. Who you attract. Who is attracted to you. Are they marriage-minded? What can you change, if need be, about your socializing pursuits that could lead you down a different path.

It's worth investing the energy to explore.

And, if you're not sure, consider speaking with a Love Coach, like myself, because sometimes it's tough to see ourselves.

PS -- I have a special sale at present on my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. Buy One....Get One Free. Drop a note to rgnewman@optonline.net.

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T13:19:00.005-05:00

Wanted to wish you a very happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you're doing something for yourself that feels good.

Don't feel like you must have a date. Or that it's imperative to socialize.

What is important to do is to practice self care.

I feel a bit like a broken record when I say this....but it's so easy to get caught up in the business of life, that we become our To Do lists.

When was the last time you played music and danced?

Allowed yourself some quiet time?

Went to a movie you've long wanted to see?

Had a good belly laugh with a friend?

The better you feel about yourself...and it's an inside job....the more appealing you will be to a potential mate.

Who wouldn't want to be with someone who is lit up from the inside out? Who is confident. Who loves life.

Is that you?

Think about it.

I had lunch with a friend from high school yesterday who reconnected with me recently on the web. It was nice to see her. A trip down memory lane. I loved high school and my experiences there, so it was a feel good luncheon bringing each other up to date....as much as we could in one luncheon.

She is single....never married....and has a live-in boyfriend. She has no desire to marry him or have children. She earns more than him...and said he is a boy at heart....which sounded both good and challenging.....so she has no desire to walk down the aisle. She is happy with her life. She has many friends. Does country line dancing. Enjoys trying new things. Her boyfriend is introducing her to hiking and ice skating. A friend of hers is introducing her to rock wall climbing.

I was intrigued to see all that she is doing. She likes her job, and practices self care seemingly well. She is currently being treated for a back problem, and took it upon herself to pay out of pocket for the treatment. She wants to feel good.

It got me thinking about the choices people make in their lives.

I wondered what she imagined was ahead for her when we were in high school?

What did I imagine was ahead for me?

How about you?

There's no one way to be happy. And, marriage isn't the answer for everyone.

If it's what you do want for yourself, then you might take away some helpful pointers from my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person) and earlier blog posts.

But, regardless....do your best to live in the moment, and enjoy each day as much as possible.

Start with today!! You deserve it.

Love Goals

2009-01-01T12:36:00.002-05:00

Let me start by wishing you A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR.

I was speaking with a wise friend the other day who was talking about 2009 and reflecting on the past year.

She said she hadn't felt like she accomplished all she wanted to, yet she really had done a lot. It was evident to me, and became clearer to her after I suggested she write it down.

But, she got me thinking about the notion of reacting to life vs. leading it. We can't control all that happens to us, but we can create a Goal list. She emphasized identifying Goals vs. making Resolutions. And,she suggested including 5 items.

So, what are your goals in the romance department?

If you hope to find a mate....consider this.

Rather than putting than much pressure on yourself, why not try a list such as a following:

*go out once/week to some place new that could be social.
*do volunteer work
*make up a business/personal card and carry it at all times, to give to appropriate people.
*have more fun with friends
*practice self care, so I can feel good about myself

You can adjust it accordingly to what feels right for you.

I invite you to give it a shot. And, if you're not sure, get quiet, and see what comes up.

You will know what feels truly attainable given the other demands of your life.

The last thing you want to do is put more pressure on yourself, but you also want to move forward with what feels important.

New Year's

2008-12-19T15:11:00.009-05:00

Do you feel pressure to have a date on new year's eve? Or to go a party, even if your heart isn't into it?

When I was single, I always felt compelled to have new year's plans. If I didn't have a date, I needed to have some kind of social agenda that seemed promising. Often what I truly felt like doing was chilling at home, spending time with my folks, or maybe having dinner with a close girl friend.

Or, even practicing self care.

Getting a massage. Doing my nails. Taking a long relaxing shower. Listening to music. You name it.

One year, I learned the hard way, that it's always best to trust your gut and not push yourself needlessly.

I was invited kinda last minute to a party that a friend was going to. It wasn't someone she knew well. It had come to her through the grapevine. I had no particular desire to go. I had resigned myself to a quiet evening at home. But, these pangs of guilt kicked in. So, quickly I jumped into the shower, got myself dressed and met up with my friend. Even my parents encouraged me to go. Their attitude was, you're certainly not going to meet anyone at home.

But, then I'd think to myself, do I really have to try to meet someone on new year's eve? Isn't that one of the hardest socializing days of the year?

You can probably guess how the story goes. The party was a bust.

The crowd wasn't my scene. The people weren't my type. There was loads of booze (which I'm not into), cigarette smoke (which I detest), etc. So, we were quickly in 'n out of the host's house, and I was totally pissed.

At the end of the day, I felt like I had wasted my time. Sure I had made an effort to socialize, but I ultimately felt worse because I didn't have the faith to trust my gut and do what I felt like doing..which was to stay home.

There comes a time when pushing yourself to venture out is important, if you tend to be a homebody type. But, if you're not by nature that way, and have particular days when you just want to chill, then give in to that impulse. You're entitled. Nothing wrong with laying low. If you push yourself to go out too often, you may burn out, and not look like you're having much fun when you're there anyway.

So, do what you're inclined to do this holiday season and new year's eve. And whatever that is, enjoy and be safe.

There's plenty of time to make new year's socializing resolutions in 2009. Until then, cut yourself some slack and do what calls out to you.

HAPPY HEALTHY HOLIDAYS!!

Throw a "New Blood" Party

2008-11-26T14:24:00.008-05:00

First let me say HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you and your loved ones!

Do you have any special plans?

Are you spending it with your family? Close friends? Or, you're just being mellow and prefer not to do anything in particular?

Whatever you choose, there is no one way to celebrate.

When I was growing up, it was always a family time.

Now that I'm married and have a young son, and my mom has passed away, we are starting new traditions. My husband is cooking, and my father and his mom (his father passed away) are coming over. I have a sister who is married with kids, and they will be away, and the same holds true for my husband's brother and his family.

I've never been one who loves to entertain, though I do enjoy being with people.

One day I was having a talk with a close friend who said that perhaps you've reached a point in your life where you need to create traditions that include friends. And, there's something to be said for that.

One of my love coaching clients who lives is New York is from overseas. Her family is still there, so she's living here on her own. She makes a point of celebrating occasions with friends she's made in the U.S.

And, if you think about it, it's potentially a great way to socialize as well.

Let me throw an idea at you. Consider throwing a "new blood" party or dinner. Invite your close friends, and suggest that each of them invites a friend (ideally of the opposite sex), who you don't know. Keep it as an intimate get together. You don't want to overwhelm yourself. And, you never know who you might meet.

Give it a try!

PS -- Looking for a gift for a special single friend or family member? Consider picking up a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person). I'm currently selling autographed copies at a special BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE PRICE. Drop me a note through my site www.lovecoach.com.

PPS -- If you happen to be in NY, I will be speaking at the Long Beach Public Library on 12/20, 2pm. Come meet me! And, I'll have books available for purchase.

Questions for the Love Coach

2008-11-17T15:28:00.001-05:00

I'd like to open this blog up to questions from you.

What would you like to ask? Is there a topic you'd like me to write about?

Please drop a note to rgnewman@optonline.net or post a comment.

Tales from the Ranch

2008-10-31T14:30:00.007-04:00

I returned from Canyon Ranch in Tucson earlier this week, and must share with you the experience.

It was such a huge growth opportunity, in ways I never would have anticipated.

I was there as a guest speaker to share my wisdom from How to Marry a Mensch, and stayed on to vacation a couple of days.

I was traveling alone, which felt like a bit of a challenge. But, it took me back to my single days when I signed up alone to go on the singles trip where I met my husband. So, traveling solo does have its advantages! :)

My talks at Canyon Ranch attracted both couples and singles, seeking advice for themselves, to pass on, or to reaffirm that they had found their Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch and were grateful. It was interesting that after I spoke, various individuals approached me to share their story of how important it was that they married, or were dating a mensch. It made me feel good that others recognized the desirability of partnering with a quality person, and being a mensch themselves.

While I am not being paid by Canyon Ranch to endorse them, I have to share with you how whole-heartedly I recommend a stay there, if you can swing it. They have various locations, and it's such a great step toward practicing self care. Whether it be to exercise, develop portion and calorie awareness, be pampered, share your thoughts with others, etc., it's the ideal place to get in touch with you soul.

And, if you think about it, if you are seeking a soul mate, you want to be in a good place in your life. If this means taking some time out for you, you need to do that. Self exploration might feel like a luxury, but we all want to grow in our lives. And, the richer we are as people, the better we are able to connect with others on a deeper level.

Traveling to Canyon Ranch alone reminded me of my single days for another reason. I found myself eager to talk to new people and to want to be liked, so that I had companionship. I recalled all the times I went to socials and so desperately wanted to make conversation.

While I was far from desperate this time 'round, I did feel a bit of initial insecurity until I started to break the ice with some new folks. And, in general, I found the guests (and staff) quite welcoming and open to spending time, even if they came with friends or family members, which many did. It was a blessing to feel warmly received, and I relished getting to know different people, hoping I would stay in touch with a select few.

One workshop I attended addressed the point of wanting to be liked. The expert facilitator said that everyone craves that. I questioned her and said that I felt like it is a shame that we tend to seek out approval. But, she didn't take it that way. Her feeling is that if someone appears to not like you, for whatever reason, they are someone who needs a hug the most. What I learned is that we shouldn't judge or compare ourselves to others.

We are all so different, and you can never know what someone thinks or feels on the inside. Regardless of how they look, a person might not be as self confident as you imagine, yet you might find yourself sizing them up, envying them, aspiring to be like them, etc. And, it's not worth it. If you are comfortable in your own skin, you will put out a positive to the world and people will gravitate toward you. So, whether you want to attract new friends or a love into your life, make sure your self esteem is in a good place.

Chemistry...What is it?

2008-10-22T14:54:00.000-04:00

Chemistry.

How do you define it when it comes to a relationship?

I was way on a weekend at Omega recently to hear the author Joan Anderson who wrote A Weekend to Change Your Life, among other bestselling books, as seen on Oprah.

She was very down-to-earth, with a strong message to share about the possibilities for reinventing your life so you can achieve happiness, reach goals, overcome fear, reinforce relationships, etc.

One gal in the audience asked the question, how do you know if you have chemistry with someone?

Anderson is not a relationship expert, so I almost felt like jumping up and sharing my two cents worth, but I didn't want to overstep my bounds. Plus, I wasn't there wearing my "author/love coach hat". I was a participant like everyone else.

But, it got me thinking. And, I did wind up approaching the woman who asked the question to share some thoughts.

It became evident to me that there is no one way to define chemistry.

You want to know you have it in a partner, but what is it exactly?

It is natural to first be attracted to someone on a physical level. And, for some, that would be how they define chemistry. But, it's really not that simple because you may be attracted to someone for various reasons. And, it could actually go against your physical type. You might think you like blondes, but a brunette might get you going if they have other traits that resonate with you.

For example, if someone makes you laugh, that is very appealing. If you enjoy someone's mind, that's a big plus. If you can make easy and on-going conversation with someone, that is desirable. If you embrace similar interests, that's cool. If you are open to each other's differences and applaud them (and are confident you could live with them), that can be empowering.

So, when you think about and yearn for chemistry with a potential mate, be aware that chemistry comes in different packages.

Make sure you give people a chance. Don't judge a book by it's cover only. You'll do yourself and the other person a big disservice.

Be a Mensch to Find a Mensch

2008-10-07T13:09:00.000-04:00

I recently had a bit of a falling out with someone I've known casually over the years. I had asked for some information, thinking we were supportive/respectful of each other, and one thing led to the next.....it was not something I expected.

Got me thinking about the notion of one hand washing the other.

I've always been someone who takes pride in helping others. I imagine that's part of the reason my work as a love coach is so gratifying to me. And, why I've chosen to write self help books.

I consider myself to be someone who is generous with their time and advice (to the best of my ability), and hope that others will do the same in return. I try to be a team player and have always believed that what comes around, goes around. My philosophy is we can all get much further in life if we support each other.

In my mind, the bottomline is, it's about being a mensch.

If you want to find and potentially marry a mensch (decent person), it takes one to know one.

Do you do good for others (without getting paid for it)?
Do you do any volunteer work?
Do you put others before yourself at times?
Do you always expect things in return?

Part of making a contribution to this world is in the giving.

Look at actor/philanthropist Paul Newman, may he rest in peace. He was able to use his high profile status and earnings to ultimately give back to others in a big way. There's a lot to be said for that. And, he had an enduring marriage to actress Joanne Woodward. Something to aspire to.....

Do you consider yourself a mensch? In what regard?

Why would you deserve to find one, if you don't hold yourself up to the same standards?

Take a hard look at yourself and how you spend your time. Granted everyone is busy these days, but you'd be surprised how little gestures can add up. You don't have to do major volunteer work if your schedule doesn't permit, but there's all kinds of ways to help others.

Give it some serious thought, and you'll be all the better for it, and your love life may benefit in the long run as well.

Pack Your Bags

2008-09-22T13:30:00.000-04:00

It is so easy to get stuck in a rut.

It happens to all of us, whether single or otherwise.

Last week I had the opportunity to tag along for a couple of days with my husband who attended a conference for work in Nashville.

I had never been there before, and didn't know what to expect. He was basically at the conference 24/7 and otherwise was hanging with guys from his office. So, I was in solo mode.

It's been a long time since I've been doing my own thing. While I work from home, I'm always rushing to get stuff done before my son comes home from Kindergarten. So, being on vacation and feeling somewhat free from immediate responsibility was totally liberating.

It made me think back to my solo days when it felt like the world was my oyster. And, being in Nashville especially brought that back to mind. It is such a town filled with creativity and aspirations and driven talent yearning to be discovered. You could feel the vibe throughout the town. And, many of the songs they sing are ballads are: looking for love, love gone wrong, or celebrating relationships.

I never thought about how much songwriters put their emotions out there, and how universal the subject of love is. We'd like to think our experiences are unique, but clearly, finding and keeping love is something we all want and can find challenging. Whether it's about emptiness, walking away, not picking up the phone, etc., there is plenty of material on the subject. All you have to do is check out an appealing young songwriter/singer named Tammy Fowler (who I saw perform at the famous Bluebird Cafe), to hear some of the sentiment. You can find her at www.tammyfowler.com.

What struck me also about my Nashville trip is how important it is to expose ourselves to new experiences. While I'm not particularly a country music lover, Nashville is so much more than that. It's a town for rockers as well, and even pop country. I never expected to enjoy being so immersed in music, and when you're trying to socialize and feeling stuck, a dose of change could be just what you need. Consider packing your bags, if you can and get away. Even if it's just an overnight. It can be so rejuvenating and give you a new mindset that you might not have thought possible. And, from that can come inspiration and hope, and you never know who you'll meet.

PS: I will be speaking at Canyon Ranch in Tucson late October, if you're looking for a destination.

PPS: My book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH is currently on sale...buy one, get one free. Drop me a note if you're interested in an autographed copy. rgnewman@optonline.net

Mom in the Pool

2008-09-08T15:42:00.000-04:00

What kind of parents...and mom do you have?

I had a funny experience this weekend. While in our community pool, working on my crawl stroke (it's my new goal to learn how to swim well), a woman wearing a swimcap approached me in the water. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place her for the moment with her water-logged appearance.

She asked what my last name was, and how she might reach me.

I wasn't exactly prepared to network, but I told her I actually had a love coaching business card in my pocketbook that was poolside near my husband who was reclining on a lounge chair.

She exited the pool, and when she took off her swimcap and shook out her hair, I realized she was the mother of a 40 something girl I had met the week prior at the pool. The girl happens to live in the same building as my mother-in-law who was at the pool with us that day.

My mother-in-law mentioned that I wrote HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, and the girl commented that she had the book but had yet to read it. Her mother had bought it for her some time back.

After the girl left, the mother commented to me that she is a "tough" one.

I wondered what that meant. I assumed, at least in part, that the mother thought her daughter was being particular about her choice of date. That may or may not be the case, but clearly, this is a mother who loves her daughter and wants to see her settled.

It got me thinking.

How does she come across to her daughter? No doubt she shows concern, but to what extent? Is she critical of her daughters socializing efforts, or possible lack thereof?

On one hand, your mother can be a huge supporter. But, it can also be challenging if she is feeling a loss over the fact that you are single. No doubt she wants you to be happy, but you don't want to feel pressure due to her hopes for you.

If your parents are your role models in terms of having a happy marriage, that can make a big, positive difference. It's something to aspire to. I've seen cases where parental divorce can lead a son or daughter to have commitment concerns or fears. This is so unfortunate because who's to say you will follow in their footsteps in a bad way?

We all make our own choices in life. Our parents want what is best for us, but we have to follow our own path, whether it comes to finding love, or other matters.

How do your parents figure into your dating life? Are they supportive, or do they feel meddling? I'm curious to hear your experiences, if you'd like share and post a comment on this blog. Look forward to hearing from you.

NOTE: IF YOU'D LIKE TO PURCHASE AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, I AM OFFERING THE BOOK AT A VERY SPECIAL PRICE...BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. DROP ME A NOTE IF YOU ARE INTERESTED -- RGNEWMAN@OPTONLINE.NET. IT MAKES A GREAT GIFT!

A "Quickie": Meeting the Presidential Couple the Clintons - Special Book Offer

2008-08-24T12:22:00.000-04:00

I am just back from vacation and swamped, as you can imagine.

Hope you are enjoying what is left of the summer.

It is flying by.

Wanted to write a "quickie" post, to keep in touch, and share with you a totally cool experience I had while away.

I was vacationing with my family at our annual summer spot, Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz, NY. I highly recommend it if you enjoy beautiful scenery, the mountains, water, hiking, etc. A real gem of a place!

We've been going for the last 7+ years each August.

Mohonk is known to have a celebrity clientele, since it is such a special resort. This year, was a particularly surreal experience.

I had the opportunity to meet former President Bill Clinton and the Mrs...Hillary. They stayed one night, and I had heard they were in the House.

Being the consummate author/book promoter that I am, I quickly signed a copy of my book and threw it in a tote bag, and went in search of them. I was on mission to give them a copy of HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH.

I was unsuccessful the first day, and went to sleep disappointed. The following morning, my sister mentioned to me at breakfast that she had just seen them in the gift shop.

I went racing down there, and walked right into them and their team of Secret Service, and Mohonk security. What a thrill!

I patiently waited for an opportunity to speak to Hillary, but she was quite busy schmoozing.

Then, I spied Mr. former President standing in a corner looking through a stack of Mohonk t-shirts. I approached a Secret Serviceman and asked if it was ok if I gave a copy of my book to Pres. Clinton, and after looking it over, he said "yes."

So, I approached Mr. President...tapped him on the arm to get his attention.....and handed him HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH. He was wearing reading glasses, and stood quite tall, as he lowered them and took the book. He looked at me and then the cover and smiled and said something to the effect, "I like this...you should tell Hillary." I replied, "I will and perhaps it might interest some of his single friends."

I was awestruck! It didn't really sink in until afterwards.

I wrote in the book to them: "to a mensch of a political couple" (I wasn't sure quite what to write. What do you say to a former Pres. and his powerful political wife?)

It was a fleeting exchange, but it meant a lot, and I then walked over to Hillary who shook my hand, and said it was nice to meet me.

Quite a once in a lifetime experience!

I didn't have the nerve to ask for a photo with them, though the author/publicist in me knew it would have been a totally amazing photo opp. I did take a quick shot of them amongst a crowd, with my cell phone, which came out grainy because I was in a hurry and shook my hand.

Mohonk was nice enough to give me a shot of Pres. Clinton, which I appreciated.

As an author, when my book first came out, one of the greatest thrills for me was knowing that people would buy it and read it. Now, I can add to that, knowing that a former President and his wife held my words in their hands.

I was thinking afterwards that I could have suggested they pass it on to Chelsea. Certainly marrying a mensch (decent person) would be something her parents would no doubt hope she'd do.

NOTE: IF YOU'D LIKE TO PURCHASE AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH, I AM OFFERING THE BOOK AT A VERY SPECIAL PRICE...BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. DROP ME A NOTE IF YOU ARE INTERESTED -- RGNEWMAN@OPTONLINE.NET. IT MAKES A GREAT GIFT! AND YOU CAN SAY YOU HAVE THE BOOK GIVEN TO THE CLINTONS!!

Facing Ourselves

2008-08-05T16:42:00.000-04:00

It is sometimes hard to face ourselves.

I was speaking with a single female love coaching client recently who told me she consulted with a psychic about her love life. The psychic clearly told her some things that were very hard to hear. She said that they were holding her back from moving forward. My client didn’t want to admit it at first because it was somewhat painful facing the truth, but then she realized that the psychic was in fact right on.

The bottomline, the psychic said, is that she had unresolved issues in her life. And, that working on them would be an important step in her personal growth that was essential before she could romantically partner with someone successfully for the long run.

While my client felt sure that she is ready to meet Mr. Right Mensch now, she admitted that she is still holding on a bit to unresolved feelings for a past boyfriend, and that there are other aspects of her life she'd like to improve.

I am sharing this story with you because we all go through challenges in life. And, before you can realistically expect to meet your life partner, you want to be in the best possible place/space for yourself.

So, while it might not be easy, take a close look at yourself. What expectations do you have for your life? What are you in pursuit of for the long run? Do you feel optimistic about where you're headed? Do you want to move? Do you still find yourself thinking about past loves?

These are all valid questions to ask. And, don't judge yourself if you don't like your response. Be honest. Even talk it through with a close friend, if it helps.

The key is to admit where you're at this very moment, so you can then work toward inviting love into your life.

PS -- If you are single and a fan of my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person), join the new Facebook group http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=35396093120

Change

2008-07-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

I was at the gym the other night, and I got to talking with one of the girls working out.

She had been speaking with her trainer about her engaged brother who is planning a wedding. The parents of the bride had planned to pay for the affair, but the groom's parents opted to split the cost because they wanted to be able to offer opinions, be included on the invitation, etc.

And, then she proceeded to share how her brother's fiance can be a bit of a "challenge." That already she has seen rifts between her and her brother. And, the fiance is in fact meeting with the mother of the groom in the next week or so in an effort to clear the air.

Being a proponent, as you know, if you've been reading this blog, of mensches making the best marriage material, I wondered what kind of woman we are speaking of here. While I have never met her, we got into a discussion at the gym about change and relationships.

My feeling is that people don't typically change.

If you are marrying someone with the hope that they have the potential to become a different person, I don't think that's particularly realistic.

Sure, we all influence each other. It is possible for people to cultivate new interests. Try out new skills. Change their wardrobe. Get a updated haircut....etc....etc.

However, people don't alter their basic character.

What you see is what you get in that sense.

So, when you are dating someone, trust your gut. If there is something about their behavior that you question, don't sweep it under the rug. There's only so many dustballs you want under that rug.

You can't make someone more fun than they are. You can't give them a sense of humor. You can't change their sense of responsibility. You can't make them close to their friends, if friendship isn't important to them.

And, as life packs on more responsibility, things can get more challenging, especially if you add children to that equation.

So, don't fool yourself into thinking that little fights don't matter. Sure, no relationship is perfect, and you want to be open and express you opinion even if it leads to a disagreement. But, if you fight regularly or don't see eye to eye about things that matter most to you in life, then that won't get better.

And, it shouldn't be your goal to get someone to follow your belief system. They are entitled to their own. Sharing passions is one thing. But your life's work isn't to shape them into what you hope they would be.

I have heard couples say that their mate makes them a better person. And, that is great. But, you can't lay in wait for that to happen. You need to choose wisely.

Once a mensch (decent person), always a mensch. That's what you should strive for.

PS -- Check out the site http://www.singlefilm.com. The cousin of a friend of mine made this really cool independent film regarding single life, and it is very empowering and insightful.

The Third Right: Right Place

2008-07-17T13:43:00.001-04:00

You've probably been waiting with baited breath for Right #3 (LOL) -- well here goes.

It's The Right Place.

I am referring to your choice of socializing avenues.

You ideally want to put yourself where you're going to find the opposite sex in numbers. The odds of making a love connection may then be all the more in your favor.

As obvious as this may sound, you may not necessarily doing it.

Do you tend to pursue activities that are convenient and familiar to you? Have you been going to the same functions, bars, mixers, etc. for the last 10 years, with little success?

If the answer is yes, it's time to shake things up and perhaps step out of your comfort zone, even if just a bit.

Of late, I've been working with a number of single women love coaching clients who want to take advantage of the summer weather. Though the heat can be rough, it's also an opportunity to get outdoors. And, if you want to meet a guy, engaging in something physical is a great way to go.

For example, consider going on a hike, taking up biking, or going on white water rafting trip. How about participating in a sports league, etc. There are so many options, and you don't have to necessarily be a jock.

Other ideas for meeting men .....attend a networking function, a business breakfast, join a speech making group, take a class, i.e. architecture.

Be creative. Think out of the box. Ask your male friends or relatives or co-workers for ideas. Check out a magazine like Men's Journal for ideas.

If you're a guy looking to meet a women, why not consider cultural pursuits? Take a film class. Go to an art exhibit or a fundraiser supporting an arts cause. Take a Pilates or yoga class. Sign up for a walking tour for shoppers (yes, they exist).

No doubt most of these activities would be female-dominated, and that is what you want. The more you surround yourself with women, especially if you're all engaged in an activity, the easier it is to break the ice and start a conversation.

Take a hard look at your socializing efforts, and throw in some of the above. You'll have fun, while you put yourself out there in a way that can work to your socializing advantage.

The Second Right: Right Attitude

2008-07-10T10:34:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, there are Three Rights that are considered important in my book, when you are seeking a mate.

The first, Right Time, was discussed.

Now I'm going to shed light on the second, Right Attitude.

Right attitude refers to staying positive, keeping an open mind, and being approachable.

You give off vibes you might not even be aware of.

If your tendency is to walk into a room, anxiously size up the crowd, and decide in no time that it's not for you, your attitude could use some adjustment. How can you really tell that quickly if there is no one you would connect with?

If you are sincerely open-minded, you will give someone the opportunity to show his or her true self through in-depth conversation. Only then can you attempt to reach some level of conclusion. You certainly can't judge someone just based on looks.

You might also find that Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch does not present him or herself at the onset. If you are at a social function, the person could be the quiet, shy one standing in a corner, not entirely confortable with the scene. You might have had times when you felt like that.

You can potentially boost his or her confidence by coming across with a positive attitude and initiating a conversation.

I once spoke at a Jewish singles function held at a popular synagogue in Manhattan. I had brought along three single girlfriends at the time who were hoping to meet someone. While they listened to my speech, as soon as I was done, they bolted out the door. They were so eager to get home that they didn't make an attempt to speak with anyone. And, I was approached by a bunch of attractive guys afterwards who had questions to ask. I scanned the room in an attempt to find my friends and connect them with the guys, but they were already out the front door.

I later told them that I thought they had lost out and that they didn't have the right attitude.

It's not enough to put yourself in a social environment. An optimistic attitude has to come with you. Then, at least you'll know you made a concerted socializing effort and didn't just show up, regardless of the outcome of the event.

The Three Rights: Right #1 -- The Right Time

2008-07-01T20:43:00.000-04:00

In my book, How to Marry a Mensch, and in the workshops I teach, one of the key points I make is the importance of the Three Rights.

I'm going to discuss one of them right now, and will shed light on the next two in blog posts to follow.

The first Right is the Right Time.

When you are out there in the socializing arena, you cannot discount the importance of timing.

In part it is fate when you meet your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch. Sure you have to put yourself out there, but as you know, it's out of your hands when it will actually happen.

That said, when you do connect with someone, the bigger challenge is to be certain that you are on the same page. Meaning -- what is your relationship goal, and when do you expect/hope to achieve it?

Are you yearning to get married? Do you want to have children tomorrow? Are you the type to live with someone first, or potentially never get married?

You have to want the same thing as the other person at the same time. Otherwise, it will not work out.

And, in my book/humble opinion, I don't believe that someone will rise to the occasion. I have worked with singles....women in particular....who are of the opinion that if a guy likes them enough, even if marriage isn't top on his To Do list, he will change his priorities if he falls in love. Certainly this is a possibility, but how likely is it?

You have to take a look at where the person is at in their life. For example, if they're not settled in their career, they're not going to be buying the wedding ring any time soon if they want to have a particular income.

If they have a ton of single friends who they like to hang out with, they may not want to walk down the aisle all too soon.

If they aspire to go back to school, they may not want to get married in the immediate future.

If their parents didn't have a great marriage, they may be altar shy altogether.

So...the bottomline is, make sure to consider the Right Time when you are dating someone, so you don't waste valuable time. People don't just rise to the occasion. They have to be commitment-minded first. Even if you are madly in love, you have to want the same thing at the same time.

Playing the Field

2008-06-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

What is it about playing the field that seems so very prevalent these days?

I want to share with you a situation that arose this week.

While I am not a matchmaker by trade, I'm always keeping my eyes open for friends and love coaching clients. I recently met a guy in my gym who said he is single. He is boyishly cute and very buff....works out like an animal...and I thought, at least physically, the perfect match for a good friend of mine. I showed him a picture of her, and he was interested, and she, trusting my judgment, said go for it.

He called her, and they made a date. Coincidentally, the same day, I walked into my gym....a small, neighborhood hard core weighlifting gym that is male-dominated. To my surprise, there was a dog cage near the entrance, with a really cute, white Maltese puppy in it. I asked what the dog was doing there, and was told that it belonged to this guy who left to get it a bone. He bought it for his girlfriend, and he'd be returning shortly to retrieve it.

Needless to say, I was stunned.

He bought it for his girlfriend? And, it cost close to $2,000....so this was not a mere token. What was it then? A guilt present? Or, he just has money to burn, so it wasn't a big deal for him.

When he returned to the gym, I beckoned him over, and nicely asked about the dog, mentioning the fact that I thought he was available. He said "he's not married," when I mentioned his girlfriend. I asked if she knew he was looking to date other women, and he said "no." I asked if she was dating other guys, and he said, "no." And, he had a complete look of surprise on his face, as if to suggest that I was overreacting to the situation.

I told him I didn't want to get in the middle....but of course, out of loyalty/concern for my girlfriend, I phoned her as soon as he left the gym with the dog.

She, surprisingly, wasn't shocked to hear what I had found out. She said that it's all too common these days for people to look for the "next best thing." In her opinion, they're hardly ever satisfied and want to keep their options open.

I mentioned the situation to a friend at the gym, and she referred to this guy as a skunk. Even my husband thought his behavior was horrendous and a bad reflection on mankind. He could have at least said that he's dating someone, but doesn't know if she's the one. In his mind, he didn't lie...he just didn't fess up.

So, where does that leave singles today? Certainly this type of situation doesn't occur all the time. But, it was very disappointing. And, makes me, on a personal level, appreciate my mensch husband all the more. I know he would never cheat, nor would I. And, when we were dating each other, we were exclusive, and I never questioned or doubted it.

It's not too much to expect loyalty in a relationship. And, unless you are both on the same "playing the field" page, you need to be clear where you stand, and let your expectations be known. I realize you can't question someone's every move, but just because you don't sport a wedding band, doesn't mean the relationship doesn't deserve respect. If you're that unsure of it, just move on, and do both of you a favor. There are other fish in the sea, and best to approach it with a clear slate.

Fix-Ups

2008-05-29T15:41:00.000-04:00

A gal I know told me of a new book recently that she contributed to. It's called "Have I Got a Guy for You:" what really happens when Mom fixes you up (edited by Alix Strauss). It's a collection of true stories of well-meaning matches contributed by various writers. Not only is it a hoot, and a very fun read, but it leads me to my subject of the week. Fix-Ups.

Have you ever had one? Have you ever initiated one? And how did it go?

Unlike the stories in this book, my mom (may she rest in peace) was never one to attempt to fix me up, though she did offer her opinions re: ths guys I dated, outfits I wore on dates, etc. And, while I was living at home, she was the late night clockwatcher, commenting the following morning on my arrival, even when I thought I made it into my bed unnoticed.

In general, for whatever reason, I was never one to get fixed up much. This is probably true because most, if not all, of my friends were actively single as well. We were all in pursuit at the same time, so we could rarely help each other in that department. And, I wasn't one to reach out to extended family or others to broach the subject. It felt embarassing to be asking for love.

I do recall in college, that a friend set me up. And, looking back, it was an experience I'd prefer to forget, though it does get me laughing now that it is long past. It was a double date, which is never easy when one couple is hot 'n heavy, and you are first meeting your date. I was living in a dorm at the time, and he came to meet me in the lobby of my building. The student on duty called up to my room upon his arrival, so that I would know to come down. In anticipation of my date, a number of my floormates were already perched anxiously in the lobby to get a look at my "intended," and the news wasn't good. They were buzzing me from their cell phones quietly warning me that his looks would not knock my socks off.

I was always one to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but in this case, they happened to be right. He was very studious looking. Kinda greasy-haired -- and not in the stylish sense. And, his blindingly plaid pants were what we referred to as in the "year of the flood"....meaning they were set above his ankles. In general, he looked like a poindexter, and this was a hard thing to get past.

I was polite, hoping at least he could be a mensch (decent person), and that would be a good thing. We walked to the car where my friend and her date were waiting, and they were all ready all over each other. I could see the windows steamed up as we approached. Thankfully they were fully clothed, but this was not a comfortable scenario, particularly given that I couldn't even envision kissing my date goodnight, never mind anything more.

I learned from this experience. A blind date can be challenging enough, but when done on a double date, other challenges may arise.

That said....I'm still a fan of the fix-up. And, you never know where it may come from. Granted, your mom, as well meaning as she may be, isn't always the best source. But, your local dry cleaner could be, or even someone at the gym. I've heard all kinds of unexpected love encounters due to the kindness of someone who thought to make a connection.

But, don't assume it will just happen. Even if someone knows you're single and are looking for a partner, doesn't mean they'll think of you. Everyone is busy living their own life, so why not plant the seed? It's not being desperate, if that is how it feels to you. It's being proactive.

So, take at look at those in your life. Is there anyone you might mention a fix-up to? Go for it! Hey...it never hurts to have someone else looking out on your behalf....and mom would be pleased to know that she's not the only one hoping to get you hitched.

What If You Had a Crystal Ball?

2008-05-19T13:10:00.000-04:00

I was speaking with a love coaching client who recently decided to consult with a psychic. She is living in a town where she has built a life for herself, but unhappily. She has a thriving career, house that she loves, is near her mom and dad, but knows it's not a place for her future. She is proud of what she has accomplished, but for a long time, has been counting the days that she would move on. She is in her 30s and dates little and has been yearning to relocate for years. The psychic assured her that her life will fall into place in a particular town, which she named, and that good things are awaiting her.

Just hearing this piece of information has given her a tremendous dose of confidence and is helping ease the stress and uncertainty in her mind. She is feeling more poised to make a move, though it's not happening tomorrow. For her, connecting with the psychic has helped her create a plan for herself and to trust she will find her soul mate.

I realize that professional psychics are not for everyone. And some, no doubt, are better than others. But, there is an interesting force at work here, if you think about it. It's the notion of getting a pat on the back about where you're headed and giving yourself permission to chill because the future holds promise.

Think about all the things you want for your life, including potentially finding a mate, if that is a goal. How would you live day-to-day if you knew when/where you would find that special someone....your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch? This is one of the points I make in my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH (decent person).

Would it take the pressure off you? Would you go out and socialize and feel less uptight about it? Could you live more fully and happily in the present because the future seems spoken for?

There's a lot to be said for that. I realize no one has a crystal ball, and the average person is not capable of being their own psychic. And, I'm not suggesting you consult a psychic (though I have done so myself). But...what if you gave thought to living your life without the worry of what the future might bring? Might you walk around smiling more?

What if I told you with assurance that you will walk down the aisle one day? Would you believe it?

A big part of socializing success is truly knowing in your heart that it will happen for you. And, while it is very important to get out there and put yourself in venues/situations where you might make a love connection, you don't want to obsess about it either.

Allow yourself to think positively, and live in the present. Worrying about the future is so common. I certainly do it myself. But, it doesn't get us anywhere. So, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stay connected to this moment and put our most upbeat thoughts out there. We can manifest our future with our minds, to a certain extent. And, when you're socializing, you want to project a positive vibe. That will make you that much more appealing to the opposite sex.

So....dust off your crystal ball....and live knowing that you will not be single forever. Go forth and enjoy life, and take the dating pressure off. Do get out there, but do it was a greater sense of inner calm. It will ultimately serve you well.

Summer Lovin'

2008-05-10T13:16:00.001-04:00

Before you know it, summer will be upon us. If you're like me, you can't wait for consistently warm and sunny days....preferably without humidity. Blue skies bring the promise of summer lovin', and the opportunity to get outdoors and seize the socializing moment.

So, with the sun gaining on us, have you thought about how you're going to spend your days?

Countless new socializing option present themselves this time of year. Some organized....some not.

One place that I enjoyed a lot when I was single is Club Getaway in Kent, CT. They offer loads of activities, or you can just chill by the lake. There are a variety of theme weekends that might appeal to you. Phone 877-7GO-PLAY, and tell them Love Coach Robin Gorman Newman sent you, to receive a $25 discount.

A number of my love coaching clients have expressed interest in joining a share house in the Hampton's (NY). That is an option. Look for one that feels comfortable to you. Fire Island is another cool place to spend summer weekends, if you love the water and a more low key environment.

Consider an afternoon in Central Park, if you're in NY....or hang out in a park near you. Tip....have a prop. Props can help get a conversation going. Wear a t-shirt with an interesting saying or logo. It might catch someone's eye and give them something to talk about. Walk a dog. Visit a Dog Run. Dogs can be people magnet. Throw around a frisbee. Put a smile on your face and make direct eye contact with people.

Get moving. Partake in sports. Consider joining a league. Activities that offer continuity...the opportunity to see the same faces more than once...can help break the ice.

You don't have to be a jock. Sometimes a willingness and load of enthusiasm is all you need. Effort is appreciated. Check out some of the sites below. If the concept appeals to you, look for a chapter in your town, or a similar group that is local.

www.zogsports.com

www.adventuresociety.com

www.mosaicoutdoor.org

www.wildearthadventures.com

www.harrimanhikers.org

www.nynjtc.org

If you incorporate outdoor activities into your social regime, not only will you get some great exercise, but you'll meet people in a whole new way. And, because you're engaged in an activity, it takes the pressure off.

So get out....get movin'.....and shake up your body & love life!

The Body Imperfect Deserves Love Too

2008-05-03T11:52:00.000-04:00

There is no such thing as the body perfect.

Many strive for physical perfection. We see these images in the media, and aspire for the ideal look. Plastic surgery is on the rise. There are always new diets and exercise regimes being promoted. People want to look and feel their best, understandably so. To a certain extent, we live in a highly superficial world. And, the bottom line is nothing is more important than your health. But, even if someone looks amazing on the outside, there could be things going on on the inside that we are not overtly aware of.

For example, what if you have a chronic health condition or have had some major health challenges in the past that require monitoring? Or, what if your looks aren't your strength, but you have a heart of gold? Does this mean that you're not marriage material? The resounding answer is NO!

I broach this subject because a number of singles I know, love coaching clients and others, have recently led me to ponder this arena because of their personal situations.

They have expressed that they feel their bodies may be holding them back. Or, even if they didn't verbalize it in those exact words, it's a vibe I picked up on during our discussions. And, if I felt it, others might as well. This concerned me, and my heart goes out to them and all who lack some level of physical self confidence.

Coincidentally, these are three single women in their 30s, each with a different scenario, but one that has been disabling to them in the past. While, each has forged ahead, thoughts linger about what the future might bring and how a potential partner could react early on in a relationship.

What became clear to me is that it's so easy to have self doubt. And, even those without physical challenges may feel it's hard to make a love connection. So, is it really harder if you lack the body perfect? Does anyone have a perfect body? And, what is one anyway? It's really quite subjective, if you think about it. And, as we age, our bodies change in ways that we can't begin to anticipate.

The goal is to find a mensch to grow old with. And, if you choose wisely and seek out someone with depth, they will be grateful for you, flaws and all. They will love you for what you are, not what you lack. And what you might perceive as a drawback, they will just see as part of you. And, over time, perhaps they won't even see it at all.

So...I urge you not to presume the worst when you endeavor to date. Yes, there really are mensches (decent, responsible person) out there. And, your Mr. or Ms. Right Mensch will want to be with you...the person....and not just the body. So, exercise, eat right, take your vitamins, put yourself together as best you can, and forge ahead.

Finding Love Where You Live

2008-04-13T21:34:00.001-04:00

Have you ever heard the expression.....everywhere you go, there you are?!

Meaning....however you think...whatever attitude or vibe you give off, it is always with you, whether you realize it or not.

In the past week, I received emails from three single gals, interestingly, all inquiring about where they now live.

One from Europe moved to NY a year ago. And, while she enjoys Manhattan, she is surprised that her love life isn't quite what she was anticipating. She has friends here who built it up, and now she finds herself somewhat letdown.

Another lives in a resort town in the South (U.S.), and feels very isolated, but she is near her folks. She consulted with a psychic recently who said she would be moving in the next year to a town where she will ultimately find happiness romantically and otherwise. She has mixed thoughts about the change. While she hates where she lives, she also has a sense of security due to the familiarity, not to mention an established career. The unknown is both exciting and daunting to her. She is convinced she will never meet a prospective mate if she stays put.

A third lives in a large city but is considering moving to an even larger city, like NY, if the socializing opportunities are greater. She doesn't know if she should relocate. Would the odds, in fact, be in her favor if she moved, or does she just think they would be? She is doing research on the matter.

Each was asking my opinion.

While there is no guarantee that you'll find love in a particular city, it is helpful to examine the likelihood. For example, the single woman living in the resort community feels the odds are against her. While that may be so, it only takes one, so you do never know.

There are a few important points to make here.

*You want to trust your gut. If your instincts are telling you this isn't the town for you, there is something to be said for that. Hear your inner voice. But, also be sure you're not throwing the towel in prematurely. Have you really made an effort where you are?
*Change can be good. It is normal to be fearful of the unknown, though some are great at embracing it. But, don't let it hold you back. It's amazing how time helps us adjust to new circumstances, and even delight in them!
*You need to believe you can meet someone. If you are questioning the potential to connect with a potential mate, that could wind up being your fate. You want to think positive and put out that vibe. It has been said that what we think, we manifest. We are the master of our thoughts.

So, while where you live certainly can impact your social life, it's not as simple as pointing the finger at your town of choice.

Do consider the above, and remember that your single years can be a time for self exploration and experimentation. Don't let your place of residence hold you back. If you honestly feel that you can do better elsewhere, then go for it! But, remember to pack a positive mindset and not just your luggage.