Continuing the Stepparenting Journey

The Stepparenting Journey -- October, 2008

2008-10-10T04:23:00.001-07:00

Normal-ish

A stepmom wrote to me recently, glad to read on our site columns from me and contributions from you that helped her realize, with great relief, that she is normal, that what she's feeling doesn't make her an alien, a candidate for the mental ward, or an evil character from a fairy tale. We know that feeling.

We stepmoms try so had, can't help but make mistakes, often face opposition from many sources, and then have to give names to the strange and upsetting new feelings we have. What we began with such promise and hope feels hopeless and dying, and what's worse, sometimes we don't care. We hurt too much and feel too powerless and out of control to have a clue about what to do. But despite the universal problems stepmoms face, we often feel isolated and buy into everyone's decree that we just need to "get over it." And normal feels a world away, but let's take a look at how close it is . . . .

It's normal to feel overwhelmed. No matter how smart or clever we are or how sure we feel that we'll be able to handle all the intricacies of steplife, in the matter of a few days or a few comments, we can feel completely under water with no scuba gear in sight. Life gets real complicated real fast, and to feel like everything is spinning out of our reach is perfectly normal.

It's normal to feel exhausted. What seems manageable for the traditional family is just a dream, a simple concept we long for. And the added physical work is second to the mental stress and strain that can dominate a stepmom's every moment. Pervasive fatigue takes over, and needing relief is perfectly normal.

It's normal to feel jealous. Everybody has to share more than they'd like in a stepfamily, and even with our best intentions and most grown-up grip on that dreaded feeling of jealousy, it seeps out now and then. We may recognize it well when it happens and do our best to contain it and counter it, but we often can't deny it. Yes, we'll get better at controlling it, but feeling jealous--and wishing we didn't--is perfectly normal.

It's normal to feel forgotten. Overlooked. Insignificant. Marginalized. You pick a word. Everyone--stepmoms included--tend to focus on the kids, as well we should. But in that deep effort, something else gets un-focused on, and more often than not, it's the stepmom. Yes, we're adults and we're capable of standing up for ourselves, but nobody wants to feel last all the time, and it hurts even worse when that feeling comes from a spouse. Even doing our best to rationalize the feeling away, feeling forgotten is perfectly normal.

It's normal to feel panicked. Sometimes the going is so tough that stepmoms just want to go. Probably every stepmom has wondered if she made the wrong decision, imagines a simpler life away from stepkids and their mom, and thinks about ending her marriage because it just hurts too much. Wanting so much to succeed and yet fearing that she never will, a stepmom can just want to give up, cut her losses and admit defeat. It's not pretty, but feeling panicked is perfectly normal.

And, thankfully, it's normal to feel encouraged by a surprise gesture of affection from a stepchild. It's normal to feel relieved by an uneventful encounter with her mom. It's normal to feel inspired by a demonstration of your own integrity. It's normal to feel completely overjoyed by the tiniest, most microscopic hint of a speck of hope in something good.

So while everything we feel may be only normal-ish in the traditional sense, it's perfectly normal in stepworld. Welcome, you're among friends.

"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".

The Stepparenting Journey -- September, 2008

2008-09-10T04:36:00.000-07:00

Changes

One thing we can always count on in steplife is change. We may like it or we may not, but it comes nonetheless. And we must respond. We must make new choices and adapt our world to the new winds that blow.

Change comes in bunches sometimes. Within two months, my grandmother died, my husband and I moved, my son moved, and our first grandchild was born. Maybe in your family it's a new school for the kids or you, a new job, a new location, or maybe new custody arrangements or other situations with your stepkids' other family. Sometimes much of the change is out of our control.

When drastic changes come, everything has to rearrange, including us. So how do we do that? How do we wrap our minds around the ever-changing landscape of our lives? How do we factor "stepmom" into everything new and different? Maybe these strategies will help . . . .

Rest in confidence. Take a breath. And then take another. Regardless of the change you face or if you fear a scary future, you can hold on to where you are and remember that you've weathered other developments and surprises successfully in the past. And you're still *you,* strong and capable. You can pause, study and plan, trusting you'll do well now too. Panic won't help.

Gather and document information. When things are moving quickly, details, dates, financial records and anything you need to keep up with can get lost, confused or forgotten. Get the information you need, write it down, and put it all in one place. That'll help relieve some of the inevitable stress and save time too.

Stay ahead of schedule. Some changes we can prepare for. If you have that luxury, take care of everything you can as early as possible. If financial changes are coming, for example, can you put away some extra money for child support, prepay some bills or eliminate some expenses now? Give yourself a cushion of time, money or other resources wherever you can.

Focus on the core. Some changes take precedence over just about everything else. When you have one of those upheavals in your life, do some triage. Focus on the bleeding and let the mosquito bites go. Jealously guard your time with your husband, be present for your kids and stepkids and meet them with a caring word. Give yourself to your changes and the core of your life and let the peripheral stuff go guilt-free. It'll wait on you.

Be open to good developments. Sometimes we think all change is bad, but within the tough challenges we can usually find something good if we'll allow ourselves to. Hold the change up against the backdrop of your life and see what possibilities come forward. Keep an open mind and then maximize anything good or positive you see. It'll be work, but it'll be worth it. Our grandbaby is a good change, but his arrival means learning how to cope with his other grandmother--his "real" grandmother--in a new way. I'm very new at this, but when I hold him, bad memories are a little duller, and I'm hoping for more and more good as he grows and as I focus on the future.

We can't deny or refuse or stop the changes in our lives, so we'll cope with them. We'll learn new skills because of them and develop talents we didn't know we had. We'll grow up within ourselves because we can meet the changes head-on.

We may not court it, but the change we face is what it is, and we can still choose how we'll live our lives around it. We'll be able to effect change to our world too, by our actions and reactions, our words and efforts, able to find what makes us stronger, wiser and more capable stepmoms. We don't have to be afraid of change, just ready.

"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".

The Stepparenting Journey -- August, 2008

2008-08-09T05:44:00.000-07:00

Do One Thing Today

"Blending" flawlessly and smoothly is probably something like preparing the perfect meal -- and I've never done either one. But I do get a portion of both right on occasion, and hopefully your track record is better than mine. Either way, we can all do one thing today to move our blending along. Personally, I've given up on the cooking.

Stepmom and counselor Susan J. Hetrick's site and book, Advice From the Blender, offers some quick tips and practical advice for new or experienced stepmoms -- because we always enjoy learning new answers to old problems. Let's take a closer look at her book and see if we can come up with a few new ideas of our own too . . . .

Hetrick offers the experiences of fourteen stepfamilies in addition to her own and addresses issues such as expectations, bonding, parenting skills, holidays and more. She points out how important it is to understand any failed relationship in the past so that we "don't repeat the same mistakes." And while navigating through step-waters is always a challenge and one we want to meet well, she says that "your top priority should be your own personal growth."

I appreciated Hetrick's story of her own teenage daughter's meltdown -- and how she came to see that her daughter saw her mom and stepdad as the "safe" family, where she could express her anger. I believe the same principle applies to us as stepmoms -- we can be that "safe place" for our stepkids when we love them through the hard times because we've chosen to, not because we have to.

Hetrick concludes her book with "The House Blend," a family blending recipe of eight ingredients, including exceptional communication skills, flexibility, prayer and more. She makes it sound doable, and it's helpful to check how we're stirring the pot, learning to add what we need as we go. I think you'll enjoy her book, and one thing you can do today to help your family is check out a new resource, a new book or site or even ask the advice of a more experienced stepmom.

Today's a fine day for any of that, because we all know how depressingly long the family-blending process can take. We know how often we can fail and how many times we wonder if we can go on. But we can.

We can go on one day at a time, one step forward at a time, and we're never short of chances to "blend," actions to take and choices to make to improve our world.

I know your situation presents unique opportunities, but here are a few ideas to add to the mix. You can make a difference in your stepfamily, today. Choose one idea. Do it today. Then choose again tomorrow.

*Forgive someone. Forgiving doesn’t wash away what the other person did, but it allows you to wash it off your heart. When you let it go, you make room for something better than hurt and bitterness. Try it today.

*Compliment someone. It doesn’t have to be for something big. Take note if your stepson combed his hair or his dad spoke in a compassionate way.

*Play a game. Take ten minutes and play I-Spy with your stepkids. Turn setting the table into a game of memory for your toddler. Ask the teenagers in your house a daily trivia question.

*Write a letter to a stepchild. Whether your stepchild is five or twenty-five, you may want to say more than you can say out loud. Write it down. Save it for later, or send it if you want.

*Say thank you. Thank someone in your family personally or send an email or card. Your gratitude for even the smallest effort or action will be appreciated. Even when you’re thanking someone for something they’re supposed to do anyway, an enthusiastic thank you is recognition and encouragement well placed.

*Plan a party. Plan any kind of party – maybe a back-to-school party or a football party or better yet, a party for no reason. Day or night, it doesn’t matter. Get the kids involved and set aside a few hours to relax and have fun. They’ll remember.

*Smile. It’s easy to move from task to task with the demeanor of a drill sergeant when there’s too much to do, but a sour disposition won’t make things move along any faster. Before you sit down to breakfast, before you start the car pool, before you look over homework -- take a deep breath, hold your head high, smile and take in the moment. It won’t be back.

*Make a family photo. Go formal if you want, or grab your camera and click today. It doesn’t matter how everyone’s dressed or if the lighting is perfect -- just a day-in-the-life, impromptu picture for the refrigerator. You may even want copies.

Enjoy your day!

* * *

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The Stepparenting Journey -- July, 2008

2008-07-10T05:19:00.000-07:00

Your Role, Your Words

It's tough to describe our roles as stepmoms, but words are all we have, and some of our readers have shared theirs with us. I hope you'll find inspiration from their thoughts and understand that you're not alone. Whatever you're feeling, some other stepmom has been there and understands. And on those great days when you're taking a few victory laps, know that you can be a light and a hope to those who are struggling. It's true -- there's strength in numbers. Let's stick together and see what our comrads had to say:

Stepmom MH has kept it short but profound:

"Words synonymous with being a stepmom:
Prayer
Patience
Perseverance"

Stepmom KF has taken a bit of a philosophical approach:

"Bittersweet has got to be it. I hope that doesn't sound too negative. Afterall, bittersweet chocolate is quite tasty, and supposedly it's good for you, too! If I had my 'druthers', I'd prefer the smooth richness of milk chocolate . . . but if what life hands me is bittersweet, I would enjoy that rather than have no chocolate at all."

Stepmom KR speaks like the seasoned stepmom she is. I know you may not be as comfortable in your role as she is in hers, but she stands as an example for us all:

"My word as a stepmom is ABANDON....as in:

"Abandon preconceived notions about how this all should work! We have celebrated holidays on 'off' days to accomodate visitation schedules, we've made our own new family traditions...we've even gone out to lunch after youth football games with ex-wife and new husband because the kids wanted us all together!

"Abandon pride...yes, I once called my husband's ex-wife to find out how she seasoned her taco meat and what kind of sauce she used in her lasagna so that the kids would be sure to like dinner those nights!

"Abandon fear...fear of doing everything wrong, of not being accepted, of not being loved!

"Abandon doubt...Once I abandoned the notions that I would never measure up in comparison to my daughter and son's mom ( I don't like to refer to them as stepkids...they are my kids!), abandoned my pride in order to do things that are in the best interest of my kids, abandoned my own fears and just loved them -- the most amazing thing happened. We started to click as a family. I won't ever take the place of their mother, but they know I am always here for them to love them, cheer them on, comfort them and guide them!"

Stepmom CK shares some of her experiences I know we can all relate to because we've been there:

"My word would be FLEXIBLE.

"We stepmoms may think we have that special Friday night all to ourselves with our husband, but there has been a change in plans, and the kids are staying over tonight. We can't let the disappointment set in but we must be flexible and revise our schedules. Perhaps the family could play a board game or rent a movie together instead.

"We may think we are having that special chicken casserole we prepared last night, but whoops, my husband has picked them up and they want take out food. They had chicken at Mom's for the past two nights. We can be FLEXIBLE and go with the flow and order take-out with the rest of the family. Or we can go ahead and have that casserole we so carefully prepared.

"We can think that that very special moment we had with our difficult stepdaughter has brought us to a closer bond. But by the time she returns after the weekend at Mom's she as cool and distant as she was before. It's another disappointment and yet another decision to be FLEXIBLE. It's just a moment, there will be other moments and certainly the house will not fall apart. But inwardly and silently your heart breaks in two. Remember to continue to be FLEXIBLE.

"On the flip side, your husband announces that their Mom wants to take them on a one-week vacation. You jump for joy inside and yet hide the excitement. You don't want to be too excited in front of your husband. You are excited to spend alone time with him, but silently you remember these are his children. It's time to call a fellow stepmom who will understand all your emotions. Once again, you are FLEXIBLE but this time it works in your favor. You have a week alone with your husband in your own home. No cleaning up after someone else's children. A big sigh of relief!

"Your stepdaughter announces that she'll be spending the night with a girlfriend and would that be okay. You once again silently rejoice that you'll only have to deal with one child tonight instead of two. You thank God above and enjoy your alone time with the other child and your husband. Once again, you have been FLEXIBLE and it has worked in your favor.

"You attend a joint family function and you carefully plan your moves. You'll show up to the graduation just in time. No time to chit-chat before the graduation. You take your seat by your husband, his kids, his ex-wife and ex-mother in law. You quickly exit after a few brief hellos and congratulations and attend another event.

"You were FLEXIBLE in attending the child's event, dealing with the other family and you made your smooth exit. Once again, being FLEXIBLE helps you cope with the extended family you've married into. You were there to support your stepdaughter's graduation, but you politely declined an after-graduation party which included the Entire Extended family because you truthfully had another event to attend.

"Here are three not so positive events and three positive events that actually occurred to me fairly recently. I am a person that generally likes a routine and likes to know what to expect. I suppose that is why becoming FLEXIBLE has really helped me to let go of the control and just reposition myself when needed."

And stepmom TS reminds us it's not all us to us. Do you best, that's enough:

"My word is Surrender....
"To God that is . . . unless you surrender any anger or bitterness or unforgiveness (all of which I have felt in varying forms once I became a stepmom) you will end up miserable and hopeless (of which I have been also). I find that when I surrender to God’s authority, he will be my healer, redeemer, my rock and my fortress. He alone has the authority to judge or punish so I give it to him and he takes care of all of it."

I hope you can take a moment and think of a few special words to help you define your role today -- and even more words to inspire you to the place you want to be. Hope is a good one. Wishing you all the best!

* * * SPECIAL NOTE * * *

Once again, if you're interested in being part of my new book, please go here and read a little about it. I sincerely appreciate all your contributions, but I need your stories by the end of July. I look forward to hearing from you!

The Stepparenting Journey -- June, 2008

2008-06-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

A Role in a Word

A stepmom wrote to me recently about understanding ourselves in this unexpected role of stepmom. "Keep the faith," she said.

Her sentiment was simple, so I began to wonder: how simply can we define this role of stepmom? Can we boil it down to one word? If you had to, what one word would you choose to describe youself in your role of stepmom? What one word would tell another what being a stepmom has meant to you? What one word is synonymous with "stepmom" for you?

Maybe it's fatigue. You might laugh, but we stepmoms understand tired well. Sometimes it's a physical tiredness, but more often, it's an emotional one. Maybe you're tired of fighting, tired of dealing with your stepkids or their mom, tired of trying to "blend" with people who won't help. Depending on your place right now, fatigue could describe your role, or hopefully, it's a word you've left behind or one you can see yourself escaping from in the near future.

Maybe it's anger. Stepmothering does bring out some unpleasant feelings and behaviors in us, and sometimes it feels like all we are is a big tangled pile of barb wire. Situations we never expected overtake us and problems from all sides consume us. Anger is understandable, but if that's your place right now, it can't last. Like a sugar rush, it won't sustain us. We have to move on and find productive ways to deal with our lives.

Maybe it's management. Maybe you've lived through the fatigue and beat the anger, and now you're in management mode. You're under no illusions that a perfect steplife is in the cards, and you've moved on to finding practical and effective ways to handle those never-ending issues that steplife provides. We don't ever get it all right, but in management mode, we have more good days that bad ones, and our skills are improving.

Maybe it's growth. Either we grow or we die. If you're keeping on keeping on, then you're growing. Be proud of that growth. Stepmothering changes us, no doubt about it, and if we can embrace that change and learn from it, then we'll experience amazing growth within ourselves. We'll discover maturity and wisdom to guide us in this always complicated journey. And we'll continue to make discoveries about ourselves that make us better stepmoms and better women, always growing stronger.

Maybe it's hope. Not completely under control but not willing to give up, maybe it's hope that defines you. You don't have all the answers but you're still asking the questions. You know the pain of a troubled steplife but you believe something more is possible. You see everything that doesn't work but you're holding on to what does, however little, building on what you can. You may be in a mess right now but you trust yourself and those you love to get out of it. You may hurt but you also hope.

No matter what word you choose, I hope you'll wrap it, underline it and punctuate it with the word I've chosen: choice. I never understood the power of my choice before I became a stepmom. I never knew how much I could affect my feelings, behavior and goals just because of the choices I make. I never knew how much I could affect those around me or the peace and contentment I could have because of the choices I make. Maybe I was a little slow to come to this realization, but thankfully I did. Accepting the responsibility of my own choices gave me the power and control over myself that I needed to better live my role as stepmom. That responsibility is a daily blessing and reminder that I will continue to choose how to define this role. So can you.

If you have a moment, please write to me and tell me what your word is. I know our readers would love to hear how their fellow stepmoms see their lives, because we can all learn from and gain great inspiration from each other. I look forward to hearing your "words" and thank you so much!

* * * SPECIAL NOTE * * *

Also, if you're interested in being part of my new book, please go here and read a little about it. I sincerely appreciate all your contributions!

The Stepparenting Journey -- May, 2008

2008-05-09T05:02:00.000-07:00

Solving Nothing, Still Working

We often enter into our steplives with the perceived power of Wonder Woman, Superman and Mighty Mouse combined. We have great hope and focus, full confidence in our abilities, our patience and our strength – superhuman even.

And often we succeed! We’re able to have a refreshingly positive influence on our families and serve as intermediary, peace broker, and stabilizer for those around us. Sometimes, though, being able to solve the problems around us is like flying off the tallest building without a magic cape in sight. Not gonna happen.

Sometimes the problems our families face are problems no parent can solve – bitter ex-spouses who plan to stay that way, geographical constraints that make parenting sad and hard, young adult children with self-destructive tendencies. We’ve learned the lesson fast: so very much is out of our control.

What does your list of problems out of your control look like? Is it affecting your marriage, your health, perhaps your job? Here are a few tips that might help:

Think supporter, not solver. How can you support those hurt by the problems? Sometimes our focus is better served there than in trying to attack the problem. Your husband may be troubled by his kids’ behavior and especially if they’re old enough, there’s little either of you can do to change it. But you can be supportive, not judgmental. You can listen and offer advice without trying to take over and “fix” everyone. You can be a quiet source of strength your husband and family need.

Think present, not past. We can’t change anything that’s already happened, superhero or otherwise, so dwelling on others’ or our own contributions to the problem won’t help. What might help is taking the opportunities before us each day to focus on growth and forgiveness, to refuse to fall into old patterns that only make things worse, to practice what we learn one day at a time and expect no more from those around us. Every day gives us a new and better grip on ourselves and our world – we start fresh and leave the past in the past.

Think adaptation, not abandonment. We all have those "things we cannot change” in our lives, step and beyond, but we continue to work to make things better as long as we don’t give up and abandon all hope. We can resist the urge to throw our hands in the air and swear “she’ll never be different.” we can refuse to let the problem “tail” wag the life “dog” we cherish. We can adapt our approach to the difficult people in our lives, adapt our focus and shift from the negative to the positive, to what brings us joy. We can adapt to the problems around us without letting them overtake us or pretending they don’t exist. As long as we keep doing our best, we have hope, and that’s powerful.

Think goal, not problem. We’ve talked about this before – to reframe the problems in our lives that we can’t control as goals that involve behavior we can control. You can’t make your stepkids’ mom tell the truth, but you can work to create an atmosphere of honesty and integrity in your home. You can’t make your husband stop his kids’ manipulation, but you can work to improve your relationship with them and refuse to allow your values to be compromised. You can’t make problems go away, but you can work to lessen the impact and fallout on yourself and your marriage.

Clearly, all this work on our part takes time, energy, commitment, consistency and – did I mention – time?? Complicated problems invade our lives, but our lives are still worth living, our marriages worth saving, our stepkids worth our investment. Little steps on our part won’t solve every problem today, but they can’t hurt. That’s a start.

Need a little help right now? For only 49 cents, check out our Amazon Short:

In the paper . . .

2008-05-08T05:55:00.000-07:00

I was very honored this week to be part of columnist Sarah Hampson's tribute to stepmoms in Canada's largest newspaper, The Globe and Mail. It's a great read, so when you have a moment, check Happy under-appreciation day: Celebrating the stepmom. And Happy Mother's Day for all the mothering you do :-)

The Stepparenting Journey -- April, 2008

2008-04-10T03:45:00.000-07:00

Send in the Novocaine

I went to the dentist the other day, just for a cleaning. I'd be in and out in under an hour. No problem.

Well, true enough, I wasn't there that long, but I have to go. back. next. week. I wasn't expecting the bespeckled doctor to summon my return for not one but TWO fillings. And they're not even cavities, but broken fillings from one of the other fifteen times I've had a mouth full of drills and metal.

Why am I boring you with my dental agony, you wonder. Given my history of bad teeth that've all been filled and refilled more often that I've had my hair cut, perhaps I should have just expected Dr. Meanie to find something wrong. But no, I went in there truly expecting to hear a "nice job, see ya in six months, go have some ice cream!" Then when that didn't happen, I was none too happy.

I just don't have time for this right now, I wanted to whine. I wanted to pout and stomp my foot like a five-year-old because, well, that just wasn't what he was supposed to say. But being between that too-young-to-know-better and too-old-to-care age, fortunately the restraint of middle-age-spread maturity took over and I stood politely while the sweet little girl in the front scheduled my return to walk the plank. Oh the agony of it all.

My point is that our expectations can create unnecessary trouble for us whether we're expecting better news at the dentist office or better behavior from our stepkids or better understanding from their mom -- or a thousand other things in our steplives that -- surprise! -- don't materialize.

Now, whether I had expected good news or bad at the dentist office wouldn't have changed the outcome, and perhaps our expectations in steplife won't change people or situations there either, BUT we can examine our expectations closely and not fear the outcome of whatever's about to happen, but prepare ourselves to handle it well instead.

Looking ahead to what undersirable developments might crash around us doesn't give us a sour outlook and make us negative nellies. It makes us more calm, more focused, and more effective with what we can* control.

In dealing with our families, things are often less black-and-white that those confounded x-rays of my teeth, more fluid and subject to change. But we can learn to adapt and improvise, and thinking ahead helps us do that a little more effectively.

Preparing for the possibilities means

*being "cautiously optimistic" about those around us [perhaps everything will go great this time, but if she reacts the way she has in the past, what will my response be today and what is the most important point I want to get across?],

*analyzing the situations we face [if the people in this situation with me won’t agree with me or accept my suggestions, what is my next move and how will this effect the next issue down the road?],

*looking for the best way to protect and grow our families through them [if things don’t work out well, what can we take from this situation to make any to come less painful and how will I model better behavior for those around me?],

*and having enough trust in ourselves to make wise decisions [even if I’ve not handled these issues well in the past, what have I learned and what can I do out of love and forgiveness to usher in a better outcome this time?].

A little preparation goes a long way toward making the "going to the dentist" days of our steplives more manageable and less stressful. We can't always create the reality we want (and I’ll soon have two shiny new fillings to prove it...grrrrrr), but we can create our part in it, and we can respond and react with grace and poise.

We can do better than I did when Dr. Meanie made his diagnosis. We can learn from our times of reckless expectations and become masters at dealing with those problems and disappointments that just keep coming no matter how much we do to discourage them.

We can celebrate and enjoy the times that far outshine all we could ever hope to expect, and we can manage and make it through those times that are less than we hoped for. Prepared, we can keep going and keep growing. One day at a time is enough.

Don't forget to floss.

For more on simplifying your expectations, see Chapter 2 of

"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".

Please stop by my new blog project, register to win a free book!

A Stepmom Slumber Party!

2008-04-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ever think how great it'd be to chill out with some other stepmoms, some sisters-in-spirit who understand how you feel and what your life is like? Well, one of our fellow bloggers, Izzy Rose over at Stepmother's Milk, is planning just such an event August 8-11 in Austin, Texas. Read all about it
here.

Hope you can all be there for each other and have a wonderful time!

Words from a wise stepmom . . .

2008-04-04T09:26:00.001-07:00

Hello, ladies, I wanted to alert you to this post from a fellow stepmom who shares from her life what "blending" is all about. I think you'll enjoy:

When Blending Families, Mix Well

Also, check out these tips for us blenders from stepmom Dawn Miller.

See you Thursday with the April edition of The Stepparenting Journey!

The Stepparenting Journey -- March, 2008

2008-03-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

Partnership, or Playing Unfairly?

Steplife means compromise and cooperation, and it’s not always pretty. We may feel like we have to accept all kinds of behavior and experiences for the sake of the family, and that happens in some circumstances. But we know it’s best if both partners can work together with respect, give and take, accommodate the other’s wishes whenever possible and keep the good of the marriage uppermost in the fray.

A stepmom wrote to me a while back with the kind of problem that’s not uncommon – the kind where one partner simply does what he or she wants with no regard for the other. The degree of the problem varies, and usually it’s something the couple can work out, but it’s still stressful and in extreme cases can lead to severe trouble. Let’s take a look at this issue . . . .

The husband of the stepmom who wrote to me chose to do something for his grown daughter – something he and his wife had discussed and something he knew would upset her greatly if he did it. Behind her back, he did it anyway. Other stepmoms experience times when their husbands choose to accommodate their ex-wives with no regard to how unfair or insensitive it is to their wives. And then sometimes, it’s the stepmom’s in-laws her husband chooses to please over her.

Again – we all have to compromise and work around issues in a stepfamily and “take one for the team” now and then, but what I’m talking about here is blatant disregard for a spouse because the other puts the spouse’s feelings and consideration way below someone else’s.

Whether it’s grown kids, the ex-wife or his family, whenever one partner does that, it’s saying to the other that he’d rather disappoint or anger her because that’s more agreeable to him than disappointing or angering the grown kid, ex-wife or whoever. Usually it’s a pattern and a habit, and the wronged partner has two choices.

Here’s part of my response to the trouble stepmom who wrote to me. Her specific issue isn’t important – if you’ve been there with a stepchild or ex-wife, you’ll understand:

“You can’t change what’s happened, so you have to decide what to do about it. You can forgive your husband and live with his behavior (expect it to only get worse), or you can forgive him and expect him to stop this behavior (will only happen if hurting you becomes more uncomfortable than disappointing his daughter). . . so far, it sounds like the only person compromising is you, and that’s not good for any relationship.

“In any family, ‘helping your kids’ doesn’t mean that you abandon all sense of reasoning or that you abdicate your responsibility of rearing them just to make them happy. Sure, it’s tough at any age to say no and to force them to face the consequences of their actions, but if you don’t ever do it, the situation you have now is what you get – a grown woman pulling the strings of her father and her father risking his future because of it . . . .”

I know that sounds harsh, but the marriage is what holds the family together. If one partner is more interested in enabling and protecting the feelings of someone else than in the current and long-term effects of damaging decisions to his spouse and in behaving like an adult and taking responsibility for his marriage, this deep divide is what happens. Naturally, the wronged spouse feels betrayed and insignificant because of the other’s choices, and the outlook for the relationship darkens in the inequity of it all.

No one can always come first in any relationship, but when the choice is between respecting and honoring the spouse or the ex-spouse, it should be a simple choice. When it’s between being a strong parent who protects his marriage and his own integrity or continuing to coddle a grown child, it should be a simple choice. Again – we all understand exceptions, but the stepmom who wrote to me -- and you if you’re in this situation -- recognize this as a pervasive issue that doesn’t correct itself. It may take interference in the form of professional help or help from an objective source who can make the offending spouse see how damaging this behavior is, for his spouse, himself and his marriage.

Steplife is tough at any stage, and any time one spouse chooses to act in a unilateral way with no regard for how his spouse will be hurt by his actions – actions which are cowardly and agreed to just to keep from standing up to someone who shouldn’t control him in the first place – he risks his marriage.

If left unaddressed, this kind of behavior can easily become a deal-breaker because it comes down to one spouse choosing something or someone else over the other. It’s important that we look out for this behavior in ourselves as well, always remembering that we CHOOSE how we’ll treat others and allow ourselves to be treated – both crucial choices in any marriage.

Need a little help along the stepway? For only 49 cents, check out our Amazon Short:

The Stepparenting Journey -- February, 2008

2008-02-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

An alliance like no other . . . part two

We all know how volatile the relationship between mom and stepmom can be. Not nearly often enough do we hear of a mutually respectful and cooperative situation where the ladies accept each other, overcome difficulties and work together for something bigger than themselves.

Last month, we met Jill (the stepmom) and Kathy (the mom), the unlikely partners behind the relationship and the blog, The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange. This month, we’ll continue our conversation:

What advice do you have for stepmoms and moms who want to work together?

Jill (stepmom): “Get to know each other outside of your relationships with the kids and the kids' dad. Go to coffee, go to movies, go to lunch. Expect it to be awkward at first. Just get to know each other as people as much as you can in the most accepting way possible.

"What are her favorite books? What are her favorite things to do? Her favorite ways to relax? Her favorite kinds of adventures? Who and what does she love, and why? Find as much about each other to bond over and enjoy as possible. Expect bumps in the road. You two will be sharing way more intimate space than either one of you will find entirely comfortable. Expect to learn. Expect to be vulnerable. Expect to start over. Expect to feel some pain sometimes. Accept it. It is infinitely more than worth the good things that building a sister-like relationship can bring.”

[Karon: I know that ‘awkward’ might not cover it if you tried to spend some time with your stepkids’ mom, but at least keep your mind and heart open to the idea. It’s hard to keep fighting forever.]

Kathy (mom): “Empathize, empathize, empathize. (If it gets tough, realize that she has to live with your ex, and you know what THAT's like!!!) And remember that it's about the kids. If it feels icky, try to get over it. You don't HAVE to be best friends. You don't HAVE to like hanging out, but, boy, if you can get to that place, it's great.”

What advice do you both have for stepmoms who deal with moms who won't cooperate?

Jill: “I might re-think what it means to cooperate. I think it's a good idea for the stepmom to follow the mom's lead. That might be kind of controversial, but the mom is sending you her babies. That's a really big deal. And sometimes cooperating can mean allowing people space and distance and autonomy.

“If a mom doesn't want a close relationship, I think stepmoms are best off respecting that, while still being friendly and respectful from a distance, wishing the mom well, and trying to imagine what it must feel like from the mom's perspective. If on the other hand, the stepmom finds herself in an entrenched conflict with a mom, I would seriously consider the possibility there's still plenty of work the stepmom could do on her own, on herself. I would try to think about how well I was cooperating with her.

"The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute is a great resource for seeing conflict in a new way and figuring out what things you might be unknowingly doing to perpetuate the problems that are stressing you out so much. That book helped me a LOT. More than anything else, though, I would say empathize, empathize, empathize. Try to see the world from her perspective."

[Karon: We talk about one of Jill’s points a lot here – about checking our own temperature and learning to control what we can, beginning with our own emotions, actions and reactions. That’s good advice in any situation.]

Kathy: “The question goes both ways, of course. I think for every stepmom who has a mom who won't cooperate, there's a mom who thinks the stepmom is being unreasonable. No one has any claim to being the ‘better’ side. It's like any other relationship and the first thing to realize is that it IS a relationship. You and this other woman are linked. Neither of you chose it to be that way. Neither of you particularly likes the situation. But you're in it and it is something that CAN be made to work, just like any other relationship.

“The key, as with everything else, is communication, compassion and a sense of humor. Despite all the stereotypes to the contrary, I don't think many people are really truly evil. Everyone has reasons for what they do and why they do them. You may have radically different value systems and your history may have included inflicting a lot of pain on each other. There's a lot going against you, but it really helps to try to get into the other woman's shoes. Luckily Jill and I wear the same size (literally), but it works as a metaphor as well. If you're not lucky to be well matched, that will require more work and more growth on both parts.

“Either way, it's challenging… no argument. But the kids are worth it and, bottom line, they're what's at stake here… not your comfort zone."

[Karon: And your comfort zone will be a lot more comfortable with a little peace in your life, so allow yourself to change and grow each day as you seek more understanding, patience, forgiveness and wisdom – for yourself and those around you.]

How about for the reverse situation? What advice would you give to moms who deal with stepmoms who won't cooperate?

Jill: “I would give the relationship time to develop. Be patient. Be friendly, kind, respectful, and try to understand how the world looks from the new stepmom's perspective. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the shock and level of challenge that becoming a stepmom brings. [Karon: No arguments here.]

“We don't always show our best sides when first confronted with this incredible level of challenge. It's not the same or comparable to becoming a parent by birth. Have faith in her and in yourself. Forgive, start over, rebuild, as often as it takes. And just like for the reverse situation, empathize. Try to see the world from her perspective. Try to avoid labeling her or dehumanizing her. It's really hard to be a stepmom, especially at first. Support her. Listen to her if you can. Express faith in her.”

Kathy: “Give it time. Time helps a lot. Realize that she's trying to make a new relationship work with someone whom you know, from experience, is not a perfect person. Give them both some space and some understanding. If she's interfering with your kids, though, and the kids are suffering, I can't advocate anything other than doing what it takes to make sure the kids are OK. I've heard of step mothers actually hurting the kids and my blood boils at that.

"So all this talk is nice if the kids are OK, because the point is to make and keep the kids OK. Don't let your own anger whisper malicious stories in your ear. Don't let your bitterness see things that aren't there. Keep your integrity scrupulously intact. Check your anger at the door. If, after long thought and deep introspection, you still think the kids are suffering, and if you think WWIII between their parents is going to be actually better for them than the current situation, then do something about it. The kids come first. That goes the other way, too . . . if the bio-mom is hurting the kids, something needs to be done. No one is exempt from this.”

How did your website/blog come about, and what is your goal with it?

Jill: “We were talking in a coffee shop one day about big things that we wanted to do or that we wanted to be able to do for the kids that we both wished we had more money for. We'd both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project. That was the first time either of us spoke the idea out loud to the other one. The idea of wanting more money for both houses was what got us started talking about it. We decided to start with a blog, and to eventually write a book together. It's been a very rich experience collaborating on our blog -- it's been this wonderful free, exciting, open feeling project. It's funny that it took a money conversation to get the ball rolling because it's so rewarding as it is. Which is great. But we still plan on publishing a book."

Kathy: “I come from a writing and publishing background and Jill is a passionate blogger and technology maven. It was a really natural place to go. We were talking about how grateful we were that we had made it through the dark times and were collaborating on how to go forward with the practicalities of our lives, and then this little thought bubble appeared over both our heads. It was the same thought, but hers read ‘Blog’ and mine read ‘Book.’

“The blog is an obvious proof of concept to see if we had anything to really offer the world, and so far the response has been amazingly validating. It's kind of unbelievable how rooted in the stone ages this particular relationship (mom and step-mom) still is. People are changing in all sorts of ways, socially -- open-mindedness about who can marry whom, expansion about living outside the bounds of matrimony, but when it comes to ‘divorce’ and ‘re-marriage’ and ‘the Evil Stepmother’ and the ‘Bitch Ex’ suddenly, collectively, we're back in the 1950's. It's time to change all that.”

[Karon: I hear from stepmoms all the time who run into a headwind of opposition and downright condemnation from their family, friends or church. Hey – none of us is perfect, we all need grace and support to make these scary and complicated lives work. At least we can help each other and do our best to set an example for those who follow in our footsteps. We can reach out in understanding and humility, manage differences, and learn from our mistakes. We can do our best each day, and that’s enough. Your best today may be to withhold a sarcastic comment or snap judgment when your insides are screaming. It’s a start. Let’s all do what we can today. And then do it again tomorrow.]

Anything else you want to add?

Jill: “I think what so many stepmoms crave is validation. You're walking into a situation where people are inclined to think of you as a little bit of a bad guy before they even know you. And you're in this incredibly complicated, deeply challenging situation which you probably have very few skills for handling at first.

“You probably think of yourself as basically a good, nice, kind, well-meaning person. And all of a sudden, from all directions, you're seen through this new lens, and feeling judged, and asked to do new, hard, things for the first time solving problems on the fly and falling down on your face constantly, and just not knowing what to do, and doing the best you can which isn't anywhere remotely close to good enough.

"That's the sense I get from stepmoms all over the internet, and that's how I felt at first, too. I really lucked out in having Kathy as my partner. She is flexible, warm, open, willing to keep showing up and trying, and willing to start over and over again. I love her.”

[Karon: Ok, Jill – can we all please clone Kathy? Takers, anyone?]

Kathy: “I think the thing for everyone to remember is that the bio-mom is living in a place of broken dreams (with regards to the marriage in question) and the step-mom is living in a place of new dreams. Those are very different places to be coming from, but we've all been on both sides of the table. So try to respect and remember what that other state of being feels like.

“Obviously it's more fun to be in love and looking towards a rosy future. As a mom, it's sometimes infuriating but, seriously, we all want to be there. Hopefully she'll be able to see where you're coming from, too. In the final analysis we are all more than just our labels. Jill is far more than ‘the other mom,’ the ‘new wife’ or even ‘good friend.’ She's complex and funny and tries hard and wears many different hats.

“Over and above all of it, we are just two people who have found ourselves in the same lifeboat. It's going to be a long journey. Why not chuck the baggage overboard, break open a bottle of something refreshing, and get on with the trip?”

In a perfect stepworld, we wouldn’t even need to be having this conversation, but there are families out there needing to grow, wounds needing to be healed, and children needing to see the adults in their lives behave with wisdom, integrity and compassion. It starts with you, with me. It starts when we’re willing to be more of the solution than the problem. It can start today.

Special thanks again to Jill and Kathy for their time and inspiration. Please be sure and stop by their blog and say hello. Thanks for reading. Take care. Wishing you many blessings always!

The Stepparenting Journey, January, 2008

2008-01-10T04:20:00.000-08:00

An alliance like no other . . .

No matter what kind of a relationship you have with your stepkids' mom, most likely you expected a bad one -- complete with animosity, jealousy, bitterness, anger, stress, lack of cooperation, hair-pulling (well, maybe not that) -- basically anything but genuine friendship and respect. Hopefully you were pleasantly surprised, or if not, maybe you've been able to build the kind of relationship that stuns your family and friends. Maybe you're just trying to hold on and see if that idea in yourlife will ever materialize.

Enter Jill (the stepmom) and Kathy (the mom), two women who know the best and worst of each other while love prevails. They collaborate on their blog, The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange, and this month and next, share with us what it's like to defy all expectations and preconceived notions to make "stepmother" and "ex-wife" not such dirty words anymore. Let's meet them:

Jill (stepmom): “I moved in with (husband) G in 2004, and we got married in 2007. I'm a new official stepmom, but unofficially, I've been around for a few years. Once I felt like things were solid between me and Kathy, I felt comfortable marrying G. Things can get so complicated, and I think a good mom-stepmom relationship is really important in building a solid marriage with a man who has children.”

[Karon: wow, can any of us say we predicated our marriages on our relationship with our stepkids’-to-be mom??? Jill gets the “look before you leap” award!]

Kathy (mom): “I've now been divorced from G for as long as I was married to him. We have two boys, who were 3 and 6 at the time we split up and are 12 and 15 now.

“Time is a great healer and giver of perspective. Jill came into the picture about four or five years after we split up so everyone was ready to handle a new, serious relationship in G's life. I had been through some relationships, mostly disastrous, but fairly visible. So there weren't any residual feelings between G and me that could complicate things.

“In my ‘real’ life, I wear many hats. I'm a Business Analyst in the music business, have written a book (Aphrodite in Jeans: Adventure Tales about Men, Midlife and Motherhood), have my own blog, Aphrodite in Jeans,and have worked as a theatrical technical director for decades.

“My two sons are my biggest source of accomplishment and pride, however. Whatever we all collectively have done to make them into the men they're growing into, must be on the right track. They are just really cool human beings.”

[Karon: did you see that last point? Kathy is unafraid to give some credit to Jill for being part of rearing her sons in a positive way. We applaud her generosity.]

How was your relationship with each other at first, and how has it changed?

Jill: “I think we had good, warm early impressions of each other. Once I was living in G's house, we were suddenly thrust into each other's lives really deeply and I, at least, was really shocked and surprised at the deep, almost day level of intertwinement and influence the houses had on each other. Suddenly, my schedule wasn't just my own, and it wasn't just my own and G's, and it wasn't even just my own and G's and the kids' -- all five of us affected each other's schedules on a regular basis. That was a big, big surprise. That's just one example.

“So there was about a year and a half or so of adjustment. It wasn't all that pretty. Kathy and I stopped talking to each other for about a year. I was miserable -- it was one of the hardest times in my life. I eventually realized that being with G meant this kind of deeply intertwined package deal. AND I eventually realized that I felt a connection with Kathy that I wanted. I was looking for all kinds of answers reading stacks and stacks of books, and maybe it was an exercise in one of the books -- I'm not sure -- but one day I imagined my life with G and the kids but without Kathy interested or involved or concerned at all -- and I was surprised when I felt sad and lonely at the thought!

[Karon: dear reader, please breathe deeply into a paper bag and regain your composure – I know that last sentence almost did you in, lol.]

“That scenario seemed disappointing and empty. It's almost enough to make me laugh just thinking about it. All that time I'd been fighting her involvement in my life on the surface, while wanting it underneath without realizing it. Some people say conflict is a form of connection. I realized I WANTED the connection, and set to work trying to figure how to do a better job for myself, for her and for G and the kids. Now I'd say we're very close. We're still deeply intertwined in each other's lives. I've learned a lot about intimacy, collaborating and courageous conversations.”

Kathy: “We have come full circle. I instantly liked Jill and hoped that she'd end up being a ‘keeper.’ For starters, she's the first girlfriend G had ever seen fit to introduce to me, which meant she was pretty high quality. She was smart and had a good sense of humor and seemed to relate well to the boys: all good signs.

“When she moved into G's house, we went through a period of radical readjustment. From my perspective, we were suddenly in ‘archetype’ land . . . where I suddenly ceased to be Kathy, a person, and became that tyrannical and unfeeling bitch known as the Ex Wife. After about of year of collective misery, in which tension was excruciating, the kids were miserable and I was turning into a very angry person, suddenly Jill ‘came back’ and we were OK again.

“We talked a bunch, cried a bunch and got everything out onto the table. After a couple of months of that, we were back to where we were – but way better. We have a depth and a history and know we can navigate the treacherous waters. It's gotten better and better ever since.”

Jill, how has your relationship with Kathy affected the kids and your husband?

Jill: “I'm not sure entirely sure how it's affected the kids. I think they were very, very, very stressed out and unhappy when we weren't getting along, and they seemed reassured right away when we started talking again and getting to know each other. I think they like that we get along. I know it stressed G out a lot, too, when we weren't getting along. I think he's happy that we've built this relationship with each other that he doesn't have to always be in the middle of. It can be very stressful on a marriage to have another adult outside the marriage so deeply involved in the day to day details of life, even when it's a good, strong, loving relationship though. It's always a balancing act. I think we're mostly in balance these days. The sense of extended family -- the feeling of connection between houses -- is very nurturing. It's worth working for. It's worth balancing for.”

[Karon: and that’s what keeps us going when the going gets tough.]

Kathy, how has your relationship with Jill affected the kids? How has it affected your relationship with the kids' dad?

Kathy: “Well, it's obvious that the kids thrive when they're not worried about their parents hating each other. I grew up with parents who were married, between them, a total of 8 times (only once to each other!). I've seen some pretty contentious fighting and I've directly felt what happens when the child's needs are placed a distant last to the spectacularly important needs of each parent to make the other one miserable.

"G and I started off (pre-Jill) as pretty good friends. We were known as the couple who had made divorce work really well. Jill changed the dynamic a lot, especially during the ‘dark times,’ and it grieved me that all the things that I had tried to do in terms of making the divorce very amiable (like refusing to deal with child support or any other exchange of money) were just being wasted because there was a new sheriff in town. So suddenly we were back to being a typically divorced couple, with seething glances and everyone uncomfortable any time we were in the same room together.

“Thankfully, blissfully, when Jill and I got better, G and I were able to relax again. He no longer looked like a deer in headlights every time we were all together, the kids no longer tensed up and looked unhappy, and now we are all able to just hang out and be ourselves. It's really easy to do, once you get over how much you're ‘supposed’ to hate each other.”

Jill, how is stepmothering different than you expected? What's the hardest part? What's the most rewarding part?

Jill: “The sense of perpetually feeling like an outsider was a big surprise. It still hasn't really gone away. I think one of these days I'm just going to declare myself an insider and be done with it. The most rewarding part is the family, the love, the ideas and jokes and kid-energy the kids bring, and all the opportunities to connect, to grow, and to be part of something bigger than myself.”

Kathy, how is having a stepmom in the kids' life different than you expected? What's the hardest part? What's the most rewarding part?

Kathy: “Learning how to share my kids and trust that a third person is also looking out after their best interests has been a hard lesson to learn. I'm very independent, and I'm pretty well organized (which G is, admittedly, not). I just did everything for two houses in terms of keeping track of schedules, taking the kids to appointments, etc. It was hard to know how much Jill wanted to take on when she moved in, and truthfully that was part of our difficulties early on.

“I just assumed she was going to be like my other mom friends -- in which you just grab any kid that happens to be around and take them to wherever they have to go and it's fine to ask anyone to help you out because you'd do that for them in a heartbeat. But Jill was young and didn't have any kids and this kind of collective swapping and sharing of responsibilities was really foreign to her.

“So I stepped on her toes quite a bit in the early days, assuming that she was there to help out in the same way I'd help out with another mom's kids. That annoyed her because it felt invasive, and it put me in an awkward spot because (a) I no longer was able to coordinate both households with autonomy and (b) I couldn't ask her to do things to help out. That was the most difficult thing to negotiate, and I had to learn a lot in terms of just letting go, letting things drop through the cracks if they needed to, and letting other people have a learning curve when I stopped taking up the slack.

“This has been an incredibly important thing for me to learn in all other aspects of my life, and has helped me relax a lot more and start having a bit more fun because it's no longer all up to me to do everything.”

How has your relationship with each other changed you?

Jill: “I've grown up. I've learned a lot. My capacity to connect with other people without losing myself has increased exponentially. I'm happier. I'm stronger.”

Karon: And isn’t that really how stepmothering changes and impacts our whole lives, whether we really mean for it to or not? We have to grow up, we have to develop a broader way of looking at things, we have to make room in our hearts and minds without losing either one. We can become more or less because of our stepmom role, and more of that choice than we realize is up to us.

Kathy: “I get a new friend in my life. And I know I've done a really great thing for my kids, by reducing by one more issue the fallout from not being able to live with their dad. To me, that's huge. It's not their fault their dad and I didn't get along. They shouldn't have to pay the psychological bill for any of this, so the most you can do to deal with it, the better off they'll be.”

Karon: Amen to that. Next month, we’ll finish up our interview with Jill and Kathy. In the meantime, stop by their blog and say hello. Thanks for reading. Take care. Many blessings for your new year!

Happy New Step-Year to YOU!

2008-01-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

What to leave behind . . .

Greetings to you and please accept my very best wishes for your very best year yet!

Here's the first two paragraphs from a piece I wrote several years ago. It's still true:

"The first day of January is my favorite day of the year. It's not because it's my birthday or my anniversary. It's not because it's a holiday or a day off work. It's because it's the epitome of new beginnings, the fresh start that you can feel in your heart and your soul. It's because, as a stepmom, I need that day now more than ever. How about you?

"Resolutions are traditional as the new year starts, but before you strive for something more, I encourage you to leave behind a few things first. This year, as you take the old calendar off the wall, don't just throw it away all at once. Tear off each of the 12 months, one page at a time, and as you crumple them up and throw them away, discard something else, too -- these 12 things that you can leave behind."

The piece goes on to talk about some of those things that none of us needs to hang on to -- jealousy, judgment, hurry -- and how it will help us if we can let all the bad stuff go. It's a practice I work to reinstate every new year. Maybe you'd like to do that, too.

This piece is called Leaving It Behind and it's on page 52 of the "The Stepmom's Sideroom and Other Favorite Stories" that you can get free with a blank email here. You may have seen some of the stories before and some may be new to you, but I hope you'll find something helpful and inspiring as you begin this new and wonderful year!

Thanks always for your interest and support, enjoy your day :-)

Many blessings,
Karon

The Stepparenting Journey, December, 2007

2007-12-10T04:57:00.000-08:00

A Forum, a Tour and a Short . . . Confused Yet?

Hi, Stepmom, think of this month’s issue of The Stepparenting Journey as a stocking full of Christmas goodies, how about that? Let’s start off with an introduction to Melissa Weston and her new forum, Stepfamily Help and Advice. Melissa shares a little bit about herself and her goals with us.

Tell us about you and your family and what led you to create a public forum.

"Well I was a 25-year-old happily single woman when I met my now fiance. He was recently separated (unhappily) when we went out for the first time, he had 2 little girls aged 2 and 3. My heart really went out to him - I found his circumstances to be really heartbreaking.

"I thought being a stepmum would be easy. I never gave a single thought to the drastic impact it would have on my lifestyle. I found it very difficult to adjust, as I was working 10-hour shifts in a bar all night. I knew hundreds of people, all partiers. I was living it up. Stepmotherhood and my new responsibilities as a responsible member of a family were quite a shock. I had no children of my own, so it was an extra shock.

"I also had my own ghosts. My mother and father fought for custody over my brother and me for many years. I was always a member of a stepfamily, as a child. Now things had changed -- I was one of the adults.

"I decided to create my own forum because I couldn't find the type of forum that I could be happy with long term, I wanted to provide a free speech forum, free from censorship. Not many forum-masters are prepared to offer that -- so for me the choice was simple. Start my own."

My readers are always looking for support and positive solutions that will help them with their steplife problems. Can they find that in your forum?

"They will always find support -- the great thing is we are all stepparents and it's so much easier to empathize and understand someone else who is facing the same phenomenal challenges that you are.

"I believe that most people are positive in their approach to helping others find solutions; unfortunately, sometimes the solutions aren't what we want to hear and that can be disheartening... Of course I believe the forum will provide support to people in difficult situations where the most positive solution may be painful."

What are your best words of wisdom for other stepmoms?

"Ooohh, that's tough! OK. My best advice is don't ever get into fights with your partners EX! Even if she baits you, don't take the bait. You should be seen and not heard. If she says something critical or rude to you, just avert your gaze, look down, be quiet and passive.

"If she gossips about you - tell the 'messenger' that you're not interested and they're not helping the situation by passing along the bad news.

"If she is nasty about you to the kids don't take it personally, discuss it with your partner and just discipline the kids as any problems arise.

"Again if she is nasty about you to your partner - do not take it personally - it's not really about you.... If you are unavailable to fight or to receive insults, the nastiness will eventually stop. And even if it doesn't (which I doubt) you will always have been the better person."

My thanks to Melissa for being part of our newsletter and for providing this resource for stepmoms. Stop by and visit, I’m sure she’d be glad to see you!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Our blog tour for Stepping Stones for Stepmoms is winding down, but it’s been great and I hope you’ve had a chance to participate. It’s been a real treasure for me to get to know the wonderful bloggers who are participating, and here are the links so far:

Step by Step

Stepmom Land

Step-family Talk

Stepmother’s Milk

Smart Stepfamilies

Simplicity in the Suburbs

Hope you can drop in on these two final stops:

The Stepfamily Life – Tuesday, Dec. 11

A Stepmom’s Say – Thursday, Dec. 13

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Finally, one more note about my just-released Amazon Short (like a little ebook you get from Amazon.com for only 49 cents). It’s called 7 Decisions You Can Make Today to Improve Your Steplife. I hope it’s a positive and helpful message for stepparents everywhere.

“A really great piece! It's amazing how well you've captured what it's like to be the stepmom - only another stepmom can know these things,” Stepmom M.

“Absolutely wonderful. I have saved it so I can read it often. Karon, all I can say is as a stepmom to a stepmom, I hope I can build myself up to get my mind on track as you have,” Stepmom D.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thank you, all of you, for being here. Wishing you a very merry, beautiful and blessed Christmas season!

Hot Off the E-Press!

2007-11-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

New Amazon Short Is Available Now!

It's finally up and ready for download -- for only 49 cents :-) If you have a chance to check it out, please let me know what you think. It's here:

Thanks!

The Stepparenting Journey, November, 2007

2007-11-08T09:55:00.000-08:00

Coping When the Coping Gets Tough

Is it the moon, the stars, the water, what? I’m hearing a recurring lament lately among the stepmoms in our cyber world – distress over their stepkids’ mom. I know it’s a perennial sore spot, but the stepmoms seem particularly wounded now, and as much as I wish I did, I don’t have any magic words to make things better.

Stepmoms are talking about mom dumping her problems and lies on the kids, interfering in the stepmom’s relationship with the stepkids, and insinuating herself in her ex-husband’s life to manipulate and control him and – by extension – stepmom and their life together. Makes me want to gag.

And while no formula exists to help in all cases, we have to hang on to those fundamental coping strategies we’ve come to know and love so well. In a particularly hard time, it may mean working a bit harder, but we can do it, because we have our sights set on what matters most: the family we’re growing now. Our best responses may just need a little extra help.

The alternate response. Anger is common and understandable among stepmoms, especially when the kids are the target and recipient of mom’s hurtful behavior. One stepmom wrote to tell me that she tries to turn her anger and hate into pity, but it’s hard. Yes, it’s very hard, but we do our best.

It might help if we can understand that the reason mom acts out in hurtful ways is often because she’s not in a happy, healthy place in her life – so she takes her dissatisfaction and disappointment out on those most vulnerable. Selfishly, she doesn’t want to be in pain alone. It’s a warped way to look at life, especially when you hurt your own children, but it’s one we have to deal with. Seeing her as a pitiful, hurting, wanting, unfulfilled, empty human being can at least shove a little of the anger out of the way and help you even wish for her a happier life. I know that’s a hard corner to turn, but for our own sanity and peace of mind, it’s often best.

The not-totally-true response. It breaks my heart when a stepmom writes to me that she’s “constantly torn between being honest with the kids and shielding them from mom’s craziness and bad habits.” Amen. We sometimes want the whole world to know what kind of person mom really is, don’t we? We need to mind our manners and not say anything if we can’t say anything nice, but that torn-in-two feeling is one we know well.

We have to remember that we don’t know everything about any situation, as much as we may believe we do. And I know it’s tough not to tell the “whole truth” about mom to the kids, as I’ve told stepmoms before, but I do believe we can be better parents when we set an example of integrity in our own lives and strive to rise above all the chaos others create. Also, we feel better when we focus on the positive things we’re doing instead of the negative things others are doing.

Perhaps the hardest part of this scenario is what one stepmom describes as having to start all over again with her stepkids after a particularly toxic encounter with mom. No, it’s not fair to have to keep “re-doing” the positive things with your stepkids because of the garbage their mom feeds them, and it makes your job harder, but guess what? It’s also one of those facts of steplife we have to deal with sometimes, and that’s when we have to put our trust in our stepkids, in the truth, and in ourselves to keep going when it’s especially hard – because we trust better days are coming.

The backbone response. One of the most irritating ways mom can interfere with your life is to manipulate and intimidate your husband. You know the drill – when he says he has to keep her content so she won’t interfere with his time with the kids or he has to “play nice” to keep her happy. No, he doesn’t. He’s an adult and he needs to start acting like one and help you deal with the assault on your family.

One stepmom who wrote to me was being excluded from important meetings about the kids, and she could see right through mom’s attacks, but her husband was blind to it all. If you have a similarly handicapped husband, consider my response to her: “Mom isn’t interested in taking care of the kids but in being the center of attention, specifically your husband’s attention. He needs to grow a backbone and realize that he doesn’t have to bow down to her on every occasion – and he needs to see what a strain he’s putting on you and your marriage when he does that. Keep trying to get your husband to see that, to sound like a teenager, ‘she’s not the boss of him’ and he needs to separate taking care of his kids from being a doormat for her.” I know that’s harsh, but your family can’t grow happy and healthy as long as your husband is more concerned about someone else.

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Your stepkids’ mom won’t always be a delicate issue in your life, but depending on the ages and other factors of your stepkids, she could be for quite a while. Learning and then practicing as many defense mechanisms as you can will help you keep your focus on your family inside your home and with great energy put your love, encouragement, stability and inspiration there.

Even though mom is outside your home, her behaviors can make her seem like she’s living under your skin. Do everything you can to minimize that feeling while you work toward – and I know this is a situation some of you never see happening – a mutually respectful and cooperative relationship with mom. It may take years, probably will, but that too remains a goal and becomes a coping strategy all its own. I wish you strength and happiness now and best wishes for reaching that goal later.

*PS* *PS* *PS*

Our blog tour for Stepping Stones for Stepmoms begins Tuesday, Nov. 13. Please join us! Here’s the schedule:

A blog tour -- please join us!

2007-10-31T08:02:00.001-07:00

I hope you'll join me and a group of other bloggers for an upcoming blog tour of Stepping Stones for Stepmoms: Everyday Strength for a Blended Family Mom.

Here's the schedule:

Thanks!
Many blessings,
Karon

Announcements! And a survey opportunity...

2007-10-24T06:19:00.000-07:00

Couple book announcements for you . . . .

I still don't have a publication date yet, but I've written an Amazon Short -- do you know what that is? Amazon Shorts are brief works that you order and download from Amazon.com for -- get this -- 49 cents each! Then you can read your new Short online or print it out, it's yours to keep forever. How cool is that?!

My Short is titled 7 Decisions You Can Make Today to Improve Your Steplife, and I'll post the link as soon as it's available.

Also, you may have noticed that It's Not My Stepkids--It's Their Mom! hasn't been available as an ebook for a little while, but that's about to change. It'll be re-released through Booklocker.com soon, and I'll post that link, too.

Ok, here's the survey:

If you're sharing parenting responsibilities, you may want to take part in a research survey on Remarital Quality in Stepfamilies under the direction of the Families in Motion Research & Information Centre at the University of Victoria in British Columbia. Clinical Psychology Doctoral student Jennifer Pringle invites you to check out the survey HERE. Jennifer hopes the knowledge gained through the survey "of the unique transitions and circumstances experienced by remarried individuals will help professionals to support remarried couples and stepfamilies in adjusting to these transitions."Also, participants who meet the eligibility criteria and submit one complete survey are offered a gift card to the Canadian Chapters/Indigo/Coles bookstores.

Thank you.

The Stepparenting Journey, October, 2007

2007-10-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

Fighting the Energy Drain

I was reminded again recently of how we are really responsible for the way others treat us and how they make us feel. Sure, folks get mad or insecure now and then and lash out through no fault of anyone else – that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the pervasive, ongoing hurtful and mean behavior of someone in our lives, behavior that sucks all the energy out of us and leaves us sad. And when this behavior comes from someone we can’t get away from, we have to find a way to cope.

Maybe you have someone like that in your life. Maybe it’s your stepkids’ mom or grandparent. Maybe it’s your own mom. Maybe it’s your stepson or stepdaughter. Regardless of the relationship, a few constants remain.

The behavior is probably not about you. Some people are just overly opinionated, critical and judgmental, and you might be an easy target. For whatever reason, the person may believe she has a right to voice her opinions about your life. Chances are, she imposes herself and her views into other people’s lives, too.

Minimize the opportunities. If it’s your stepkids’ mom who’s beating you up {figuratively speaking}, re-evaluate the boundaries you have with her. Have you become too familiar, to the point that she’s taking advantage of the relationship to subtlety criticize you? Have you divulged too many details about your life or let your guard down too far? If her words are hurting you, look for ways to limit your interaction and when you do interact, limit your information so that she has less to comment on.

Invoke your right to remain silent. Just because the hurtful person in your life asks (demands) answers from you, that doesn’t mean you have to respond. Probably no answer you can give will satisfy her anyway, and constantly trying to defend yourself and your choices is exhausting. Eventually, if you begin to practically not respond to her complaints, she’ll have to give up on that topic and move on to something else.

Try to shift the focus. If your disagreeable person in your life is your stepchild, try to shift the focus of your time together and conversations to something pleasant. I know that sounds hard if you’re dealing with a rebellious, disrespectful teen, for example. But we can try. We can squelch a damaging conversation with a reminder of a happier memory. We can find common ground that won’t promote judgmental words or hurtful exchanges. If you have even a tiny slice of a happy past to draw on, you have great hope for repairing the damage.

Accept your limitations. You can’t change the other person – we know that fact well. We can’t “behave” well enough to make the caustic person in our lives speak only with uplifting and encouraging words. We can’t fix whatever is wrong in that person’s life to make her not so judgmental and cruel. We can model better behavior for her, but we can’t make her adopt it for herself. We don’t want to become the critical person ourselves.

Accept your responsibility. You can live in joy and peace despite the person in your life who tries to drain it all out of you. It’s hard to shake off critical words, hard to have to think about the unpleasant exchanges in your life with people who will always be in your life. But we’re back to our beginning – it’s our responsibility to ourselves to decide how we’ll be treated. There are too many pleasant and encouraging people in this world to interact with to allow our time and energy to be hijacked by those who aren’t. It’s up to us to make that choice.

*Make it a goal* Something we all want to do is avoid the "energy drain" that facing the people who are critical and hurtful causes us. We can't be our best when we're distracted and exhausted from dealing with mean and cruel behavior. And a step we can take today is to perhaps make it a goal to "dislodge depressing thoughts from our minds." That sounds vague, but you can make it specific to your situation. Setting a wanted and needed change as a goal makes it a little easier to grasp and reach. For more on goals, see Chapter 3 of "The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".

The Stepparenting Journey, September, 2007

2007-09-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

Guilt is a Cattle Prod

Stepmoms have many things in common: fear, insecurity, doubt, gray hair, wrinkles, nervous stomachs, a head that amazingly stays in tact instead of exploded despite our stifled screams. Been there? Yes, stepmothering can be a unique joy, but there are also times when it brings us another universal feeling -- guilt.

Why is this role so heavy? Why are our feelings so complicated, holding us tolerant and relatively sane one moment and rocking us on the floor in pangs of guilt the next? I don't know all the reasons, but I believe much of it stems from our over-developed sense of duty and our highly-developed urge to make things better.

We do our best for our stepkids, with or without their awareness or appreciation, with or without their mom's approval or assistance, with or without their dad's understanding or acknowledgement. We do our best, but we get tired, we get hurt, and we feel that nomadic desire to run away, to be free of it all, to be without them. It's a feeling with a high price tag.

Sometimes we feel guilty when we're happy about any reprieve from the pressure to be so great, when our stepkids aren't a fixture in our homes and we like it, when we can pretend even for a moment that they don't impose on our lives. We do our best, and despite any success or genuine caring, we feel guilty when all we want to be is a wife instead of a "second wife," when we want what we have but just not all of it. That guilt is perhaps a stepmom's cross to bear, but instead of a yoke too heavy to carry, perhaps we can look at it as a cattle prod to make our lives better.

Guilt is a feeling we can't deny, and we shouldn't. It's understandable to feel the way we do because sometimes real situations in our lives have led to us feel the way we do. So instead of beating ourselves up because of how we feel, let's look at the situations that come first. Maybe if we can see them in a different light or understand them better, we can prevent the guilt from overpowering us to begin with. It's worth a shot.

A stepmom wrote about this feeling a few days ago here, and I'm sure you'll appreciate her honest and sincere post. She's trying to learn from her situation, and I hope these few tips here will help us learn from ours, too, whenever we're fighting the Guilt Monster of Stepmother Land, because she's one tough cookie.

1. Perfection is highly over-rated. Sometimes we feel guilty because the world we live in [or those step-people in our world] make us think we have to be perfect, to make this second life perfect, to do everything right because of all we've done wrong. No. When you feel yourself in one of those situations that "demands" perfection, give yourself permission to be, oh, I don't know, human.

Don't over-analyze your performance or critique your every move. Strive for better than last time, and allow yourself to accept that. Being a "good stepmom" isn't about being perfect or spending every waking moment trying to make your stepkids' lives better. It's about coming into their lives as the unique person you are to love them and support them -- and perhaps because of the mess steplife can get to in a heartbeat, teach them how to overcome failures and disappointments with an attitude of integrity and the willingness to learn from your mistakes. We model best by looking forward, not by looking infallible.

2. Meltdowns happen for a reason. Maybe your guilt is trying to tell you something, that you're overloaded, near a breaking point, worn out. Maybe you need a time-out. Nobody can be "on" all the time. Nobody can hold up the world day after day, and sometimes that's what we feel like we're doing.

Then when we stumble, we don't look at the debris in front of us but instead at the delicate balance that might shift if we tilt too far one way. But the world won't end if we back off for a second, if we avoid some difficult situations, if we take a moment to breathe by ourselves. Sometimes we just ask too much of ourselves, and then if we trip, the guilt falls on top of us. Ask for less, at least some of the time.

3. Not everybody can sing. I wish I could sing, but I can't. I can't cook either. Or speak another language. Or understand a computer's fickle personality. I could go on, but you get the point. We can't be good at everything. And that's ok. But we're all good at something. Learn where you shine as a stepmom and put as much of your energy there as you can.

Sure, we have to do the things we're not so great at, too, but we can do them the best we can and move on, finding security and validation in the things we do do very well. We can learn to look at the "singing" as just part of the role and accept our limitations there. We can learn to see the guilt-producing "I'm not in love with my stepkids" feeling coming and prepare for it. It doesn't make us any less responsible, any less diligent about their care, any less of their stepmom, but it makes us appreciate more the days we just "love them to pieces" as my grandmother says. Don't worry about the singing, just hum and move on.

Guilt is powerful. Let it teach you something useful, let it guide you with a better approach to difficult times. Don't kick yourself when you're down, just look around for the biggest block of stepmom wisdom you can find and climb up on it. You're one tough cookie, too.

Eleven Things...

2007-09-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

Eleven years ago tomorrow, September 6, I became a stepmom. Wow, that's a sentence I never expected to write. But it's not like stepmotherhood is something we plan, is it? What sane person would ever do that?? What air-breathing, chocolate-eating, logic-appreciating human would ever deliberately set herself up for life in looney-toon land?? And yet, here we are.

And what we learn about here in steplife reads like a college catalog -- psychology, economics, history, politics, child development, statistics, diplomacy, religion, geography and physics. I think you'd agree, it's an education unlike any other. So in the spirit of my eleventh anniversary, here are eleven things I've learned as a stepmom:

1. It's not the heat, it's the humidity. If you've ever even breathed (or tried to) here in the South, you know what I mean. The temp may be 90 or so, but with a hundred percent humidity, you have to chew the air. It's awful. The crisis I'm facing in my steplife may be bad, like a 90+ day, but I make it worse when I view it through the stifling humidity of my own fears. I need to take it for what it is and deal with that, not add to the problem with an insecure approach.

2. I don't have to know everything. Eleven years ago, I was the biggest control freak stepparenthood had ever known. I'm reformed now, sort of. I had to -- the world kept spinning around me without my blessings or knowledge! The very idea! But what originally felt like a popped balloon I couldn't catch turned out to be ok. What I do have to keep up with is enough. Let somebody else worry about everything else.

3. Questions are good when I do need to know everything. Being a control freak (even a reformed one) can make you a bit of a . . . know-it-all. I know. Wouldn't everyone else have to believe my approach was best? Can't I just give the orders and get on with it? Well, no. There's no such thing as too many questions, but there's a real big, live *oops* coming when I assume I always know what's going on. There are just too many variables to leave anything to chance.

4. Whispers are more powerful than yells. The average stepmom has to say probably about 16 gazillion words every week. There's just so much to explain, so many points to make clear, so much of ourselves to defend! And it's easy to believe that volume will equal understanding. Not so. Fewer words at a quieter, even whisper-like level will get someone's attention sooner, maybe because they have to focus to understand instead of just adding your babble in with the television or stereo. The more calm, measured and deliberate my speech, the more everyone seems to listen, even kids.

5. I have to sleep with me. Regret makes a lumpy pillow, and avoiding stupid choices is the best road to take, but making amends as soon as possible when I do go the wrong way makes living with myself a little easier -- and that's a chore even on a good day. Thinking smart and acting well at the beginning is always best, and seeking forgiveness when I don't follows closely behind.

6. I only have to sleep with me. I can't control anybody else's stupid choices, so I need to keep my focus on my own. If somebody else explodes like a shaken-up can of Coke, that's their problem. I don't have to join them in their meltdown. Perhaps I can even be a model of lessons learned -- the hard way, of course, but still. Imagine: me, a model of restraint and integrity. Wow, didn't see that one coming.

7. I can't fix everything. Well, I was certainly going to eleven years ago! I can remember telling my husband, "I can fix that," whenever he'd have a problem with one of the boys or their mom. Guess how successful I was? What was I thinking?? It's not that I didn't try, and most of that trying meant taking the blame on myself and trying to move heaven and earth to get things like I thought they should be. It's laughable now, but taking on that responsibility no one should assume caused me a lot of pain and of course, grief, when I failed.

8. I can fix some things. I may have failed at trying to fix everything, but I learned pretty quickly how I could make at least some things better. The original target of the phrase "lighten up" must have been me. When I stopped trying to analyze everything to death, when I learned to forgive and seek forgiveness quickly, when I learned to learn from something instead of beat myself up over it -- AND THEN LET IT GO -- a lot of things got better. I learned that my best was good enough. I learned to offer what I had to a situation and build on my successes. I learned to fix what I could and worry less about what I couldn't.

9. Patience is a plant. I may be the most impatient person on the planet but I've learned how to grow a little of the stuff now and then. You have to start small, you have to save the seeds and replant again next year, and you have to tend the crop well. Then you'll have a harvest that will sustain you when the other bounty is scarce. Family ties come slow sometimes and old wounds need years to heal. That's ok. I've learned to be grateful for the harvest I have while I wait on something else to grow.

10. Rest is as essential as air. I exhausted myself through a lot of years of stepmotherhood and lived what a heavy load with a quick pace can do to you. I needed to rest -- my body, my mind, mostly my heart. I didn't know how for a long time, too afraid to release my grip because . . . if I'm not working this hard every moment, oh, no . . . what'll happen to my life..?? What I learned is that it goes on, and if I'm rested and better able to deal with it, it'll go on even better. A rested and renewed heart is much less likely to become a robbed and resentful heart.

11. There's not an answer for everything. Some parts of steplife just don't make any sense. You can't change other people, you can't create relationships between other people, and you can't make other people love you or always see things your way. Maybe there's not an answer for every complication, but there's always tomorrow to see what happens, to see if you discover a new understanding or approach. And there's always today to do the best you can and leave the bigger questions to Someone else. Pray a lot.

What have you learned?

**Be sure and stop by on Monday, the 10th, when I'll post this month's issue of The Stepparenting Journey. Thanks!

AAARRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2007-08-13T07:22:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to swallow those words you want to scream at somebody loud enough to shatter glass, isn't it? I did relatively well with that this morning, but the encounter still left me feeling hurt, angry and resentful. Ugh...hate that. I *know* it's better to be tolerant and calm and understanding, but we get tired of that after oh, a decade or so.

I bet you know that struggle with the step-challenges in your life, the struggle between behaving in a kind and mature manner and behaving like the attacked victim you feel. It's tough. Those step-people we live with or around can push us to the limit and make us feel trapped and burdened by the, shall we say...opportunity to make a good choice. I came across an article this morning that might help you through your next encounter with one of those lovely folks you can't ignore -- those 'enemies' among us: it's here.

Ms. Kirk's words helped me, and I was only aggravated with my husband. I'll let you know how well I successfully tap into my "freedom" the next time I'm having a bigger step-crisis! Good luck.

Many blessings,
Karon

Continuing the journey...

2007-08-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

I've been at this stepparenting thing a while now, so you'd think I'd be good at it. Sometimes, yes, sometimes, no. I don't think we ever completely conquer the beast that is steplife, but we usually learn a few things along the way. And the benefit of a few years does allow me -- and you, if you're a veteran at this -- to look at newer stepmoms and see our younger selves in them and their circumstances. And it's a great honor and blessing to be able to help, even just a little, even if we just offer knowing support and understanding.

And on that note, I've decided to change things up a bit here. We're still going to have our monthly newsletter, but I've moved it here to this blog, so that those of us who are experienced and able to help can do so and those of us who need help can benefit from the collected wisdom of the stepmoms who've been there, done that and have some sage advice to share.

One reason for this change is because I hear from so many stepmoms with basically the same problem -- in a nutshell: feeling overwhelmed, confused, scared, insecure and most importantly, ALONE. Stepmothering can be a very lonely prospect, and even a cyberspace touch can help, especially from someone who understands.

One stepmom who wrote to me recently was struggling in her new marriage, trying to get along with her stepdaughter and feeling responsible for everything that was going wrong. I told her that she articulated beautifully how so many new (and sometimes not so new) stepmoms feel. It’s a role full of surprises, fears, doubts, and worries about things you could have never imagined. It’s feeling completely out of control and inadequate, sometimes hating your life and often wondering how things could have spiraled downward so quickly. Joy and peace are a distant memory. Not an easy road for the faint of heart :-)

I told her how it's practically impossible to be fully prepared for the trials of steplife, that we feel like we should have known better, that we should have better responses for everything that comes at us, but I’ve learned that sometimes we just have to learn as we go. Steplife is like being dropped naked onto a cold planet with spotty oxygen – just trying to survive takes all your time and energy. Trying to do it well feels impossible.

I wrote these words to her that can really apply to any of us who walks the stepwalk:

"Please remember that what’s happening isn’t your fault – it’s the world of steplife and it is what it is – stressful and full of gremlins just waiting to attack you and pull you down. Try to just focus on a few broad strokes: tell the truth, forgive and ask forgiveness when you mess up, keep your integrity even when others lose theirs, learn from your mistakes, and remember that you get the chance to try again tomorrow. Do keep your hope for the future you and your husband planned . . . learn from what hasn’t worked and be willing to change and adapt to the circumstances."

Will that solve all her problems? No, but perhaps it's a start, a gentle hand from a non-judgmental source. I hope you'll join me here on this blog and share your own advice or experiences that might help the rest of us. As I always say, we learn best when we learn from each other.

I'm grateful to be a part of your cyberlife, and I appreciate your time and interest every month. Take very good care of yourself :-)