freedomvan

S. Tolen Friend

2008-07-23T15:36:00.000-07:00

when the plane touched down in seattle, i was bursting with excitement for the adventures i'd have with my best friends. we went out to brunch and i caught up with all the news about the wedding plans, then we were off to find shoes for sarah, a theme that would recur. we split up-boy to the comic book store, girls to the shoe store. we didn't find shoes, a theme that would recur, and were looking around for luis who had wandered off when we crossed paths with two guys holding a cute little pit bull puppy. sarah said "hi, puppy" and the thing almost leaped out of the guys arms to try to get to her. we laughed and walked on. a while later we were walking back up the street and we saw the same guys locking the puppy in their car. it was in the eighties that day, pretty hot for seattle, and WAY too hot to lock a brand new puppy in the car. now, you all know that i keep an animal in my van, so i don't have a knee jerk reaction to people locking their dogs in cars, but they didn't even try to find a shady spot, it was in direct midday sun, and they cracked the windows only a little bit. we gently confronted them as they were walking off, saying that it was dangerous to leave a puppy that young in a hot car, dogs die all the time from such treatment, especially puppies who are kinda like babies who need lots of fluids and protection from the elements. we asked them to roll their windows down more, but they refused saying that someone would get their hand in there if they did. they insisted that he'd be fine, they were "only" leaving for 20 minutes, and informed us they do it all the time. not the right thing to say to a couple of animal lovers. we couldn't just leave the puppy there. he might have died, if not that day, then another day. so we called the police who half-heartedly told us they'd send animal control if they had any officers available. this was not good enough. we would have to liberate him ourselves.
it had been almost 20 minutes since the guys left, and there was no sign of them. a crowd had gathered around their car, all of us concerned and angry. we poured water in the window and he lapped it up, we dropped ice cubes in and he ate them. he was panting hard and crying and starting to not look good. i tried to get my hand in the window, but it was up too high. i went around to the drivers side and the window over there was down a little further, so i reached in for the lock. it was close, but still too tight. then a sympathizer who had scrawny arms came over and tried what i was doing and amazingly she reached the lock and was able to open the door. tunnel vision set in and i grabbed the puppy and took off around the corner. the crowd cheered, a man was clapping, my friends were running with me. adrenaline rush led us down a crooked path through the u-district and we decided to go to the house of a friend who lived in the area and hide out while luis went to get the car. we did it! we saved the pup from irresponsible people who didn't value his well being. but now what were we gonna do? that question would dominate the next 24 hours. we took him home and i fell in love with this little being. his coloring was so unique, he was sable brown/gray like a mouse or a fawn and had a dark face and white on the tips of his paws. his personality was like no other, relaxed playful and smart. he never once peed or pooped in the house, and he was an excellent hiker. we realized he'd probably never been in the woods before, and he just loved it! we slept together that night, all curled up and worn out. my heart is breaking right now remembering this...and i wonder if i made the right decision. we took him to the shelter the next day, after all we had a wedding to get together and not much time to do it. also, i live in a van 1200 miles away, how would i get him there, and what would i do with him if i did?
the girl who took him into the shelter was enamoured of him and she assured me he would go to a great home very soon. he's a charmer and so young too. people would be lined up to get him she said. this made me feel better about leaving him, but i'm still dealing with the sadness of letting him go. my heart was diving right in, and i wanted him so much it's painful to even recount this story.
we called him "friend" while we knew him. his full name--S. Tolen Friend, a testament to his background.

wacked out at work

2008-07-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

my boss got wasted at work last night and we had to kick him out to keep him from embarrassing the whole place. the whole staff really pulled together as a team and got him out of there, then ran the restaurant seamlessly the rest of the night. i was really proud of us. funny how this happens following months of his tyranny forbidding anyone from having a drink at work, even after we're done. he swings like a pendulum from one extreme to the other fast and furious. today he is so sheepish. he called me to say "sorry" and to let me know that he's handing over the beverage consulting to me because he can't risk even putting wine in his mouth anymore. he's scared sober again. i'm happy because he needed a dose of humility, and now i got a promotion of sorts out of it.
two more shifts and then i'm off for a week so i can head up to washington to get my friends sarah and luis hitched. i loosened the pursestrings this week a bit and bought a few dresses to look cute in, and a real awesome push-up bra from victoria's secret. it's amazing what those things can do. this week will be exciting, fun, social and may prevent me from blogging, though i'll try to get a few in.
in other news: the funnest part of vandwelling in july is taking showers in the sunshine with the hose. my solar shower broke and i took it back to rei for a refund and decided to see if i could get by without it for a while. turns out i can, though i'll surely buy another one before the summer's up.

can't have it all

2008-07-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

a slow simmering sadness crept up on me as i went about my day, doing laundry, eating, calling people, watching a documentary, and meeting my friend kree for dinner and drinks. it's the news from eric, it's the distance from my family and good friends, it's the realization of goals i haven't met. it's a force of my nature that reminds me not to get too comfortable, always be ready to move.
a little girl in baggy shorts plays with a toy bow and arrow set, trying to convince her little sister to hold the target, but the princess says no. trying to train herself to be indian, but it's only plastic. i understand her attempt. i want to be who i am, but i have no cultural reference point. there's no one to tell me if i made it, or if i failed. i'm playing out my own visions, making up my story, but i want for community, for place, for home.
it's days like this that i just want to buy a house and declare a state of being that revolves around one spot on the earth.
i know i'm just looking over the fence instead of enjoying my own pasture, and i bring my focus back to here and now. the moonlit night is a gift of temperate perfection, crickets serenading with cicadas singing backup, a horn honks, a bike backfires, i crack a beer and breathe.

the cat came back

2008-07-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

i was feeling low and worker bee-ish today as i went through the motions of packing up my van to go do several massages on my day "off" and as i slogged along, i grumbled promises to my tired shoulders that i would never get in debt again. whatever i can have in this life, i can have, and if it ain't a mansion on a hill, so be it. so my acting career hasn't happened, and i'm not a travel writer, and i don't even have a puppy much less a herd of horses, but i am working for a paycheck and not counting on the lottery. it's not all i can do, but it's a step with open eyes and in the meantime my heart is strong.
and just as i thought the day couldn't get more mundane....eric calls me. damn near the last thing i expected on planet earth today. my feelings were mixed, i was still quite angry which was my way of dealing the anxiety of not knowing, but i wanted like hell to see him in the flesh and press my head into his broad chest as i hugged him one more time. he pulled up on a brand new motorcycle of the fast variety with a shiny helmet a smile, and cautious eyes. the news was horrible, as i thought it would be and while he says he wants to see me while he's in town putting his affairs in order, i have little hope for being a recurring character in his life, he's keeping me at arms length. can't say i blame him, i am a prickly bitch, but i do have some fortitude and am willing to go the distance for him if he'll let me.
cut to tears, hugs, questions and long looks...
my role, i'm certain is to lure him back into life with those who love him, and the shiny new helmet winks approval.

he crossed me

2008-07-11T13:11:00.000-07:00

today i feel radically honest, and while i know that being honest is only as good as knowing when to shut up, i decided to use my momentum to edify someone who needed a talking to. see, there was this guy i met last week who seemed really into me and even pushed my boundaries with his forthright manner and i thought i liked him for that. but it turns out he didn't know what he was doing and decided it was too dangerous to like me so he dipped. this sort of waffling irritates me and i just couldn't let it go, so i wrote him a letter. in it i got to tell him just what i thought of how he treated me without him being able to question my logic or defend his choices. i wasn't mean or petty or overly negative, i just indicated his lack of manners and my subsequent discomfort. the therapeutic effects of this are immediate and i feel like a million bucks. the white pages gave me his address and i will mail it before i go to work. this affair affirms that i love letters. even when they're not love letters.

the time is nigh

2008-07-09T14:35:00.000-07:00

yesterday i made another major payment towards my debt and then added up all that was left. i was surprised at the figure since i hadn't done the numbers in a while and didn't know what to expect. i only have 4000 left and at this rate, if all keeps going as it's going, i'll be debt free in september and saving for my next adventure until the winter threatens. right on schedule! i've also been sending twice the amount to the account that my student loans deduct from every month (the only debt i'm not able to eliminate at this point) so i'm already paid up till november. when i'm ready to leave i may have 6 months or more of no payments to make. it'll almost be like retirement. boom.

summer vandwelling tips

2008-07-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

summertime and the dwellings easy...especially if you live in the southwest or a very dry climate. i have my spot all set up for maximum coolness--reflectix on all the south and east facing windows (i'm rarely there in the evening, so i don't worry about the western sun), evaporative cooler parked outside the side door (35 bucks on craigslist) blowing in, windows upstairs and in back open to allow air flow, little fan pointing up at my bed. i have it easy because i have electric and water hookups, but if you had access to water, this setup would still run easily on a deep cycle battery. the cooler eats the same juice as a 60watt lightbulb, and drinks alot of water, i'd say about 5-7 gallons on a very hot day if it's running all day. i stay cooler in the van than i did in a house last summer. and kitty does too. i can't tell you how much easier this all is than i imagined it to be. i spent plenty of time worrying that i would roast and freyja would die and it would be miserable, but not a single day of unbearability has come to pass. my advice to you worriers--just take the plunge and try it out without having to figure everything out in detail before hand. solutions present themselves as needed, and you will find a way to be comfortable.
another beautiful comfort of home- my solar shower. it works on 90 percent of days in the summer in colorado. that's only 3 days a month that i can't get a hot shower due to lack of sunshine. that's amazing! and it's free heat from the sun!
if i can find a place with similar conditions for the winter, i'll be set. i'm seriously considering heading to the slab city for a few months during the brunt of winter. the last free place in america. with that kind of reputation, i absolutely have to check it out. bunch of misfits and weirdos and families and retirees. could be fun, could be a headache.
i don't think i'll be moving in with teri. her landlord is being a pain and there are more problems that surfaced. her house could literally catch on fire any minute due to rigged wiring and shorts in the electrical system. no thanks! i'll stay safe in my little van world. i'm happy with my situation for now, and my debt is disappearing fast. i'm going to gather some figures and see just how much is left and start a countdown. yay!

sometimes i like america

2008-07-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday i found the perfect combo--at the peak of summer, the all american day that is the fourth of july, i rode my scooter real slow down residential streets and watched the people with their barbeques and canned beers while i sipped a giant slurpee (cherry and coke mixed). for those moments, i had no desire for anything else, i was in a state of perfect zen consciousness. i've always loved summer and the inherent freedom from clothing, school, and being inside buildings. this is especially poignant during my vandwelling experiment. live has really never been easier in a simple sense. in the past 24 hours a real peace has come over me and i'm no longer worried about what happens outside this moment. i just continue to do the best i can, minute by minute.

times are tough all over

2008-07-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

anger, revenge, frustration, these continue today, last night was pure rage. i was as fierce as i've ever been, but with no way to unleash it because the objects of these feelings are many miles away. a man that i love got beat up by his ex-wife's father over a tractor. this man is one of the kindest, most understanding people i've ever met. the ex's father showed up and saw that he had the tractor loaded up which was his per the divorce agreement (she got the house and everything esle) and proceeded to attack him as he came back from walking the dogs. wow, that's ghetto. these people all have guns, and the ex-wife's parents have proven their inferior intelligence on more than one occasion. he got the hell out, which he was preparing to do all along and is now arriving in upstate new york where he is starting a long awaited project. and i'm here feeling so pissed off and vengeful and hating that i feel this way. if i was there i would have smashed out all their windows and slashed their tires and poured raw sewage down their chimney. or something like that.
i'm not used to being so angry. it's not like me.
earlier this week i was so excited and happy because i met an interesting man at work. we went out for drinks and ended on what i thought was a very positive note, however he hasn't called in 3 days and now i wonder if i'm supposed to call him. i don't want to. i'm through with men who aren't sure if they're interested. fuck that. my rollercoaster of emotions is making me sick.

teri

2008-06-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

yesterday i met my neighbor teri. this is the first neighbor i've met and i've been there 4 months. do i qualify for my hermit badge? when joe was here, he talked to her for over an hour and she gave him her phone number to give to me. i called, she came over and got a tour of the van, then i went to her house and met her very cute dog named faith, an all black chow mix with a black tongue. teri lives in the basement of a very old house, and there are things she lives with--a kitchen sink that doesn't drain and every so often spits up black sludge (been like this for 3 years), and the bathroom and spare room have no electricity (8 months), but the rent is cheap and aside from never fixing anything she says the landlord is the nicest man you ever met. to get around these obstacles, she uses the utility sink in her laundry room for dishes, brushes her teeth in the dark and only uses the spare room to store a dining set she never uses. the place is sparse, clean and cared for. everything is old and the wood paneling paired with the basement window light give it a melancholy air. she wants to rent the spare room to me for 150 bucks a month, partly because she could use the extra money for bills, and i think mainly because she feels bad for me. living in a van has such a stigma.
i'm considering it because from a financial standpoint i'd be better off--my parking spot costs more than she's asking for, and i pay for a yoga membership to take showers. i'd like to keep going to yoga, but i could cut down the plan and buy a package instead of unlimited monthly access. i'd also have a kitchen, toilet and laundry at my disposal. i've learned to live without these things pretty well, but to have them at no additional cost just makes sense.
i encountered some resistance from myself to the idea. i like being a vandweller. i like the privacy of living alone. i like my little full time camping experiment. but, the reason behind this venture is to live on as little money as possible so i can get out of debt quickly. if this situation provides for my needs equally or better for less money, then it doesn't make sense to pass it by. i wouldn't have to make any commitments, just month to month renting, so i could take off as soon as i wanted for my winter of warmth.
hmmm...i will wait to see how this shakes down and make a decision soon.

jobs

2008-06-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

in the time that has passed since my last post, i got a new job and quit it already. i actually thought it would be fun, and not too hard, but i really don't have time for it. yesterday i worked for 5 hours at a sandwich shop delivering sandwiches on my scooter. it was great to be outside riding around all day and the people i worked with were super cool. then i went to work at the bar all night and by the time i was done i was totally spent. i used to work doubles all the time, but i think i might be getting too old for it. i realized that the time i spent at the sandwich shop could be better utilized and better paid by getting another massage client or two. also, my friend jess is going to be walking dogs for her friends company and i was instantly envious. i'd rather my second job was not in a restaurant, and if i'm going to work two jobs in one day, one of them has to be less than 4 hours. so, i'm keeping my eyes peeled for opportunity.
i'm going to nap in the van before work on this cloudy day and dream up a new vision of success.

the truth about e

2008-06-26T01:32:00.001-07:00

since eric is no longer in my life--he hasn't contacted me in well over a month, i feel i don't have to guard his privacy anymore. maybe he moved, maybe he died, maybe he just doesn't care and doesn't want to explain why he doesn't want to see me. the last time i saw him was when jess and i moved my stuff out of his house. i didn't tell him i was getting it all, but he figured it out fairly quickly. he just played darts and didn't ask any questions or offer to help. he had already shut down by this point, i'd been feeling the cold shoulder for a while. when i had it all packed in the vans, i went to say goodbye and he told me some very unsettling news. he had a testicular tumor and was having it biopsied to see if it was cancerous. at that point, he didn't know much, just that he may or may not have cancer. pretty much hanging off a cliff, which is where he left me. over the following days and weeks, i tried to call him as much as possible, and wanted to see him and be supportive. he rejected my every move. i told him i'd leave him alone if that's what he needed, and didn't call him for a while, but then he never contacted me. since that break, i've tried calling a dozen times, at his work, at home, on his cell. he never answers which leads me to believe he isn't working, and isn't home or at least screens my calls when he's there. i don't know why he is doing this. i think in part it's to hurt me because i didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. i don't know if what he told me is true or if it was part of a plan to cause me suffering and dump me in the worst possible fashion. i don't think he was that cruel, but at this point, i don't feel like i knew him at all, so anything is possible. it's been weighing heavy and i don't know how to resolve it. i know none of his family or other friends, he was very private and i don't think he had many friends. he deleted his myspace page. he hasn't logged into his okcupid account since may 5. he is gone and i don't know where to....

earthship dreams

2008-06-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

last night i watched the earthship movie. the innovation and exploration that has taken place since these were conceived is incredible. using tires filled with dirt for walls, colored bottles for stained glass effects, growing food in the living room, harnessing the winter sun for heat. if i wanted a house, it would be one of these. i only want a house if it creates it's own energy and deals with its own waste. none of this slavery to the utility companies. none of this flush away un-reality. in my own limited way, i'm trying to create that for myself now. i'm still miles away from being off the grid, but i'm closer than ever before. i just hope to be ready for whatever comes my way in this life. i feel that radical changes are rapidly approaching and i want to be a capable and valueable community member. it's the only way i see to stay somewhat comfortable when the shit hits the fan. at this point, i can be the go-to lady for information on living in vans, healing massage, 8-track repair, and toaster oven cooking. it's a start i guess.

van cat

2008-06-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

freyja is a van cat. she understands that the van is her home, but also the spot is her home so if we are there, she can get out and do whatever, but if we're somewhere else, she's got to stay in the van or very close to the van. today i had two massage clients and i do mobile massage, so i had to load all my stuff up and take the van out, but it was going to be HOT and i can't park in the shade at this clients house, so i decided to leave frey at the spot. she was out of the van when i started it and joe checked to make sure she wasn't underneath when i pulled out. i was unsure how she'd feel being there without the van, but it was time to find out. one of the things that made me realize she might be ok staying there without the van is that she's been pooping outside in the dirt and is therefore not litterbox dependant. i was nervous still. i went to my appointment and ended up being very glad she wasn't inside because my client had to move my van while i worked on his wife. i would not like to explain why there is a cat in the van, thank you.
when i returned home, she was hiding in the space between the storage shed and the fence, all stealthy. the only giveaway was her fur sticking out under the fence. i parked the van and she rolled up to say hello. no problem. van cat. awesome.

neighborhood news

2008-06-21T14:39:00.001-07:00

happiness is a good cup of french press coffee, a solar shower and a man who knows how to make cars run on water. my friend joe is here, we just filled up all his cubies full of grease to power his veggie car by cover of night and now like a mad scientist, he's building a hydrogen on demand system for my van. it's all about reducing dependence on petro chemicals. he's done some networking in the neighborhood as well, i don't know how he does it, but he's already met two of the people who live across the alley from me and they apparently think i'm cool. they've been looking out for me and watching my stuff and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. i thought everyone thought i was a weirdo, but the truth is they are worried about me. joe talked to terry, the woman who lives across the alley with the big black dog and she even offered to rent me a room in her house for the amount i'm paying to rent the space for the van. she said the neighbors all wonder about me, but they like me because i'm quiet and respectful. hmmm, i guess i have some street cred in the hood. cool.

going down

2008-06-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

why are the most fascinating people also the most fucked up? seeing their patterns unfold and hoping they will change for the better is a constantly new drama and i'm riveted. perhaps there's a deeper logic at work, and those that are always evolving and changing are also those who take risks and make bad decisions and are therefore more interesting than those who seemingly have it all together. i have loved many people in my life, and i must say that those who struck me most deeply are those who are in peril. through drug abuse, alcoholism, and other self-destructive behavior i've felt the highest highs and lowest lows in loving them. at this juncture, i find myself wanting to love someone who's been through it all and is striking a balance, like i feel i am. i can't be with someone who's lived a sheltered safe life, i'd be bored and they probably wouldn't want my damaged goods anyway. i can't be with someone who is raging with addiction, that's crazy monotone behavior that gets old too. i want someone who's been there, who's explored life and all it's mysterious corners, who's been bitten a time or two but became more whole because of it. and most of all, i want to find this person where i am. i know people who are this person, but they aren't here. no one is here. the one's who are here don't notice me. i have been calling e for weeks with no response. he may be dead. he may be just trying to make himself more interesting by pretending he's dead. this post has spiraled downward.

whats on my mind

2008-06-16T12:57:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here looking at some ridiculous art about how the republicans and democrats are all part of the same sad system of power for the rich, and while i agree somewhat with the messages in it, the art itself is just bad. it's marker on posterboards and the message is so obvious and sarcastic as to erase all nuance or subtlety. it offends my senses. i really like nuance and subtlety.
i got things done today--went to the dmv and got the van titled and registered in my name, and talked to joe on the phone. i plan to make a few more friend calls today and do my part to catch up. i spoke with sarah a couple days ago and i think part of my migration path will include being in western washington with her and luis. it's so helpful to our minds to have each other to look at instead of just seeing our own face in the mirror. i feel like a better person when i'm around them, and that can't be ignored. the more immediate plan is to figure out just where i am wintering.
what i really need this winter to be is this--wide open, very little work for money, lots of space for reading/learning/wandering, different from every winter in the past. and when the spring comes, i want a puppy. i've learned that i need so very little in the way of material things, and that has cleared the way for these simple goals to emerge. things that are all possible and not far in the future. if i get my birthday wish somewhere in there, it'll be icing on the cake...

keeping in touch

2008-06-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

i've been a bad friend. i've kinda always been this way though, and i don't know what to do about it. thing is, when i'm around my friends, i have no problem keeping in touch, but when we live far away, i never call. it sucks and i'm tired of it. i do not want to be controlled by a little piece of plastic and metal! it's not scary to pick up the phone and CALL people i love. i got a message from a dear friend yesterday who i haven't seen in over a year and who dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but is back now. and for some reason, i'm sitting here typing instead of calling him back.

results of my efforts

2008-06-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

i just got off the phone with my best friend andrew, and as we stumble through our plans and efforts on opposite sides of the country, i feel close to him. he's trying to set himself up to succeed in new york as an artist. there have been things he's done that feel like failures to him and today things seem pointless. i want him to get satisfaction and he certainly has the talent and determination to pull off anything that can be pulled off, but it's enough for me just to know him. just to know who he is brings me joy and if he never achieves a lick of so called success in the business, he has still succeeded in being andrew, beautiful man of my heart. i realize it's the same for me, no matter if my life makes a fascinating story or not, i am starring in the friendships i create, and my work is to be a brilliant part of the lives i'm allowed to be in.
i'm making headway on my goals--getting the debt payed off, reducing my expenditures, selling off my unwanted stuff, and as these things clear from my path of vision, i'm squinting to see what's beyond them. it's pretty wide open out there and that is both exciting and desolate. i know that this struggle is worthwhile because something in me wants to achieve what i've set out to do, but i don't really know why. i had an idea a while back that i am a member of a nomadic tribe, people who migrate like birds or elk to destinations programmed in their brains. and when i free myself of the bonds of the "usual" society, i'll naturally find my rhythm and begin to move in time with my "program". well, i hope that's how it happens. for several years before i began this venture, i'd been asking for guidance and clarity on my life's purpose, knowing that when the answer came, i'd be ready to receive it. maybe, just maybe this is it. at least, it's it for the time being. i don't understand what this type of life will entail, what kind of work i'll do, or where i'll go, but to have a basic framework to begin building on is enough for now.
happy 23rd birthday to my brother. i love you!

new friends

2008-06-10T22:06:00.001-07:00

i had the best time last night with my new friends ben and bruce. they are a couple that i met through my co-worker jess, and they invited me to their monday ritual to celebrate my birthday. we kicked the night off by playing the game "talisman" which is a role playing game that's totally dorky and fun. then the 7 course tasting menu began. we drank chilean wine, ate many fantastic morsels and oooohed and ahhhed over ben's cooking and presentation. really, he's a genius. but, the highlight of my night was learning how to fix 8-track tapes with bruce. he's a real collector and he knows every different type of cartridge and how to fix them all. he also cleaned my player in the van and adjusted it so there is no more cross talk. it seems like rare luck to have found someone so fond of this old technology who is willing and actually eager to help me get my system up and running. as an added bonus, he gave me some of the tapes he has doubles of, so my collection is growing! the most important thing i gleaned from the tutorial was the for the most part when you get an 8-track, it needs to be rehabilitated before you play it. 8 times out of 10 it will need to have the splice doctored up, new sponges, and the wheel cleaned and oiled. the sweet thing is, he's happy to have someone else interested and insists on fixing all my tapes without receiving anything in return. it's enough for him just to know that i will be enjoying music through the 8-track medium.
he's also got some awesome vintage cars--a ranchero and a two torino's which he enters into car shows all the time. i have a feeling i might be donning my old-fashioned dresses and riding in those cars soon!
i'm invited next monday to join the festivities, and i can't wait. i finally have some friends here that excite me! gay men throw the best dinner parties:)

birthday week continues

2008-06-09T12:44:00.000-07:00

i tore out the carpet in the van because there was linoleum underneath it and i am SO glad i did! the van seems so much cleaner and all i need to clean is a broom and a wet rag. i also pulled lots of weeds from my parking spot today and the whole place just seems more loved. the city is really beautiful right now with all the greenery and i'm just enjoying life more and more. my parents being here helped me by giving me a sense of place in this world which i knew i had, but couldn't quite find until they pointed it out. i am loved!
this week i've taken 4 solar showers because it's been sunny almost every day. i'm so glad i have that option, it's really fun and i highly recommend it if you have a place you can set it up. i derive great pleasure from being able to provide my own luxuries, and when you live in a van, a hot shower is definitely a luxury. the scooter has also been invaluable to me with the rising cost of gas. it goes 70 miles to the gallon and is really saving my ass right now on my work commute. i will definitely be getting a bumper carrier before i leave town so i can take the scooter with me.
today i'm going to lakeside amusement park with some friends after we cook dinner and drink beer together, it's my birthday celebration part 2. my parents and my friend kree were together for my real birthday and we went to the botanic gardens and out to dinner at a famous colorado landmark restaurant. it was really fun and yes we ate rocky mountain oysters and i felt comfortable enough with my parents to drink a bottle of wine with kree which is huge for me. and now it's time to party with kids my own age. yay!

mostly about mom

2008-06-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

i've barely had a chance to catch my breath since my parents left, work has been crazy busy and i'm ready to trade my left arm for some sleep. i've been thinking alot about my family and going around in circles trying to figure out what's good for me. having my mom and dad all to myself for 4 days was amazing, i don't think i've EVER had that much time alone with them. i notice how much we are alike, and how different our idea of the world/universe is and i wonder how this happens. i'm seeing parts of them i never saw before, or maybe just never appreciated. like how my mom is so generous emotionally, and her childlike curiosity is incredibly endearing. she's a brilliant woman with so many highly developed skills, yet there has never been any pretense or distance from my mother, she's just right there with me wherever i am. there is nothing more comforting than the tilt of her head and her bottom lip sticking out a little when i get all choked up. i sometimes wish i would have lived my life a little more like hers, but i don't even think it's possible these days. there aren't any guys like my dad left anyway... so now i'm bawling in the office at work after midnight just longing for another chance to connect with those who brought me into this world. and laughing at the retarded text my brother and sister in law sent me to welcome me to old. guess i better change that heading to "officially 30".

in the rain

2008-06-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

everything is more dramatic in the rain. i closed the restaurant by myself as i watched the drops splatter on the glass doors. my shoulders relax down my back as i soak up the quiet where a few hours ago there was madness. no one to check my work, i do it for my future self, she likes a clean bar and to be fair, she has enough work to do, i can't leave a mess. i worry about liquor cost, we got the report from april and it wasn't good--around 36% when it should be in the low 20's. wonder if it's me, or did someone steal a bottle or botch the inventory. ah well, i don't really care, i'll be leaving here in a few months. this thought relieves the crunch, my time tested method for dealing with stress i guess...
in a minute, i'll get bundled up and hop on my scooter to go home. the clouds have no intention of letting up, it's rain time in the night. as the water marks my face, i let it wash my sorrows down the street. i'll wake tomorrow with a clean new heart.

leaving day

2008-06-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

a heavy bank of clouds obscures the sky today as if to prepare me for my aloneness. in a few hours my mom and dad will be taking off and back to their own lives, me back to mine. this trip has been fruitful and i hope to share many things i learned from it in the coming days, but right now i'm soaking up the last moments. the basic outline of the story goes: i love my parents because they are strong, good people. i can't stand them because they are so opinionated. we have alot of fun together because we share a sense of adventure. they drive me nuts because we have so much history of conflict. i want more time with them, but i also want a safe retreat of my own.

today i go back to work and i'm actually excited to see my coworkers. they really put on a show for my birthday and i love them for that. the place is probably a mess, i better get there early.

meet the parents

2008-05-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in my parent's hotel room on my mom's computer after just having eaten a delicious lunch at devil's food. they're napping to catch up from a long morning of travel. tonight we'll eat at my restaurant, i welcome the chance to be waited on hand and foot.

i gave them the brief tour of the van and parking spot, and i think they could appreciate the efforts i've made. it's not a glamourous life, but it works! it feels so good to be around them, so familiar, yet special because of it's rarity. i know that there's some balance i need to find between seeing my family and being out adventuring. right now i feel the pull to spend more time with them, i miss my brothers really bad too. so, i'm going to feed my need for those connections more often than i have been in recent years. then, once we're good and tired of each other, i'll go off again:)

i often wonder if they'll ever leave pennsylvania, i doubt it. their roots are deep, but i'd love the chance to spend some time with them elsewhere. they are so mired in work and the dynasty they've built in that little town, i sometimes feel hopeless about it ever happening, but they are here now and that's a step. and maybe someday i'll change my mind about where i grew up and move back, but the thought still depresses me.

i will attempt to impress them with my mobile lifestyle and perhaps they'll sell a house and buy an RV like so many other 60 somethings. it could happen i guess.