Nation Of Morons

Sixty-Eight Brother!

2009-07-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

It's official and the 94th Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest is in the books! Sixty-eight hot dogs and buns in ten minutes! World Record for Mister Joey Chestnut and he three-peats, keeping the Mustard Belt in the good ol' US of A for another year! Takeru Kobayashi gave it a good run but only held the lead for a dog or two somewhere in the early twenties. After that it was all Joey.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: God bless America, God bless hot-dogs and God bless Joey Chestnut!

Holiday Hodgepodge!

2009-07-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

Our top story… Generalisimo Francisco Jackson is still dead.
In what is destined to be the hugest waste of time since the coverage of Sarah Palin's Vice-Presidential run, the Death of Michael Jackson continues to fascinate and dazzle the media. Now with Diprivan!! And just a few years ago everyone was calling for Mike's immediate incarceration, castration and execution for being a "weirdo, a freak and a child molester." Now it's all tears and tributes. Sometimes you people sicken me.

Michael Jackson was simply what we all are. A sad, flawed human being, struggling to find happiness in a world that simply doesn't give a shit. Do I think he was a child molester? No. I think he had a severely regressed personality which would not allow him to enter adulthood the way normal people do. Do I think he was the "King of Pop?" No. That was Elvis. It is still Elvis. It will always be Elvis. So do me a favor and bury Michael and the incessant media coverage. It's sad that a person died, but I don't need updates every ten fucking minutes. Thank you.

And speaking of Sarah Palin…
She quit.

Bwah-hah-hah-hah!

In a rambling farewell address that lasted almost as long as her Vice-Presidential run, the Republican dilletante-du-jour threw in the towel. She cited the fact that great changes can be made outside of government as one of her reasons for stepping down. That's nice, but it's usually the type of thing used to motivate the citizenry to get off their asses and participate in events, not sitting governors! Essentially, her statement reads as, "I am so ineffective that I can't do anything, even with the power of a governor."

She cited her decision not to run for re-election as one of the many motivating forces in her decision to resign. According to La Palin, lame-duck politicians are lazy bastards who do nothing but pick up a check at the end of every month. The thing is, to qualify as a "lame-duck," you need to be on your way out. Had you lost a re-election campaign, you would be a "lame-duck," not because you decided not to run. Not only that, but Palin still has a year-and-a-half left on her term!

The media is circulating rumours of impending and ongoing ethics violations as possible reasons for the surprise resignation. Fact is, Sarah Palin is the Alaskan equivalent of New Orleans Mayor C Ray Nagin. She spends almost no time in office, preferring instead to travel the Lower 48 begging for political handouts. And she brings her brood everywhere she goes, paying their way with state money. Each time she travels, someone slaps an ethics complaint against her. Each time the cases are reviewed the outcome is the same: Palin's trip is classified as "state business" but the bill for her family is not covered, so she ends up repaying the state for that portion of her spending. Then she holds a "press conference" explaining that she did nothing wrong. While it's true that she did nothing wrong, it's only because the people of Alaska have to keep after her to pay her share of the bills. She's like the dumbass college roommate who's always mooching off his buddies even though his parents are loaded.

During her vapid farewell, she also quoted General Douglass MacArthur, saying "We are not retreating, just advancing in a different direction." Strong words. Strong, and for Palin as usual, wrong. The actual quote comes from USMC Major General Oliver P Smith and stems from a British reporter asking him about the UN Forces "retreat" from the Chosin Reservoir during the Vietnam War. Smith's reply was, "There can be no retreat when there's no rear. You can't retreat, or even withdraw, when you're surrounded. The only thing you can do is break out, and in order to do that you have to attack, and that is what we're about to do. Heck, all we're doing is attacking in a different direction." Sounds like an admission that she's in way over her head to me.

She also compared herself to wounded war veterans and basketball stars as she tried to explain her actions. Speculation is that she's more concerned with her new million-dollar book deal or a possible 2012 run for, (and this is the part that really makes me giggle,) president!

Bwah-hah-hah-hah!

Call Us When You Get Some Real Weapons!
North Korea fired off a half-dozen or so "Scud-like" missiles while we slept last night. Seriously? "Scud-like?" Weren't those the cheap bottle-rockets that the Sovs foisted off on the Middle East back in the Eighties? You know, the ones that fell apart and failed to detonate when US Forces gave them a stern look? Come on Kim Jong, we know you wanna be a World Class Gangsta Nigga, but Scuds ain't nothing but D Thang. That's D for Derision. Or Dumbass. Or Douchbag, Dope, Dipstick, Dip-tard… the list goes on. Next!

It's about damned time!
Today, the Statue of Liberty opens her crown to the public once again. The crown has been closed since 9/11 and has symbolized the empty-headed policies of the Bush Administration over the last eight years. If President Obama gets nothing else right during his term, I will still be forever grateful to him for this one act.

Gentlemen, Start Your Gastrointestines!
Just a few hours to go until the Nathan's Famous Hot-Dog Eating Contest. We here at the NoM wish good luck to all the entrants, but especially to the 2007 and 2008 Champion, American, Joey Chestnut. Give 'em Hell, Joey!

Now Is The Time…

2009-06-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

…for all good freaks to come to the aid of their Stybby!

Awhile back I entered the "Rename Stride's Ridiculously Long Lasting Mint Flavored Gum Contest" and I made the top ten finalists with 'Mintfinity.' (Clever, eh?) Unfortunately, I recently found a twit who also entered the same name and twittered it out to everyone so I might be sharing the 10K prize with 10K other people. Oh well, here's your chance to make someone rich. Go to stridegum.com and sign up (yeah, I know, I know, btu just use that yahoo account you keep around for stupid contests) then vote for my entry: Mintfinity! Who knows… if I actually win, I might peel off a few hundred for a celebration party!

RNC Report: The Specter of Failure

2009-04-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Got another RNC "Newsletter" today.

Dear Michael,

Wait, I think I get it… This isn't addressed to me; it's just Michael Steele talking to the only person who will listen… himself!

I hope Arlen Specter's party change outrages you. It should for two reasons:

Actually I find it pretty hilarious.

First--Specter claimed it was philosophical--and pointed his finger of blame at Republicans all over America for his defection to the Democrats. He told us all to go jump in the lake today.

Shit, I've been telling you idiots to do that since 1976. Both Republicans and Democrats could use a swim.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe a word he said.

Big surprise!

Arlen Specter committed a purely political and self-serving act today. He simply believes he has a better chance of saving his political hide and his job as a Democrat. He loves the title of Senator more than he loves the party--and the principles--that elected him and nurtured him.

Wow. Figured that one out, did you? But do you hear yourself? All you're concerned with is the well-being of the Republican Party, not the country. By your own words you admit that the Republican Party is the most important thing to you, not the country, not the people and not the freedoms which this country was founded on. You guys sound more and more like Joe Stalin each day.

Second--and more importantly--Arlen Specter handed Barack Obama and his band of radical leftists nearly absolute power in the United States Senate. In leaving the Republican Party--and joining the Democrats--he absolutely undercut Republicans' efforts to slow down Obama's radical agenda through the threat of filibuster.

You mean an unbreakable grip on the senate like the Republicans had during the Bush Regime? So, it's OK if you guys have unlimited power, but not anyone else? How tyrannical of you Michael. But think of this: Had the Republican Party been more concerned with the well-being of the country than with that of itself, you idiots wouldn't be in this position in the first place. If you ask me, you guys could use a good twelve-step program and skipping ahead to step eight would be a good start.

Facing defeat in Pennsylvania's 2010 Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record, and an end to his 30 year career in the U.S. Senate, he has peddled his services--and his vote--to the leftist Obama Democrats who aim to remake America with their leftist plan.

Give me a break Mike. Politicians peddle their services every day of the year in one form or another. How many back-room deals have you been a part of since you got into the game? How many times have you voted against your constituents wishes in order to secure a vote from another politician for a deal you had brewing? The only difference here is that Specter is publicly announcing that he's for sale in order to stay in power.

As recently as April 9th, Senator Specter said he would run in the Pennsylvania primary next year as a Republican. Why the sudden change of heart? Clearly, this was an act based on political expediency by a craven politician desperate to keep his Washington power base--not the act of a statesman.

Gosh Mike, would you say the same thing if Nancy Pelosi had decided to become a Republican? No. You'd be tripping all over yourself to welcome her into the fold with open arms, bending over backwards to kiss her ass and carving a marble pedestal to put her on. Unless…
…Say, is this one of those sneaky Republican tricks? You know, send in a spy, make a big fuss over his defection to make it look real and then when the chips are down, blammo! Hundreds of tiny little Republicans begin streaming out of Specter's ass and they slaughter all the Democrats and open the castle gates from the inside?
Nahhh, you're not that smart.

His defection to the Democrat Party puts the Democrats in an almost unstoppable position to pass Obama's destructive agenda of income redistribution, health care nationalization, and a massive expansion of entitlements.

There you go again whining about the Obama Power Monopoly. You guys had one and you blew it. Under the direction of the Republican Party George Bush and his merry band of idiots relaxed and repealed so many financial and corporate restrictions that this country almost imploded. Yes, Obama is fucking things up by spending way too much money, but he has to in order to fix the mess that your party made.

Arlen Specter has put his loyalty to his own political career above his duty to his state and nation.

Just like you do every time you send out these advertisements you call "newsletters." The RNC isn't concerned with healthcare, education, unemployment or any of the other thousand things that citizens worry about every day. All it cares about is feeding its' own dwindling coffers. Perhaps if the RNC began addressing the issues that matter, people might actually start sending you some cash.

You and I have a choice. Some will use Specter's defection as an excuse to fold the tent and give up. I believe that you are not one of those people. When Benedict Arnold defected to the British, George Washington didn't fold the tent and give up either.
He grit his teeth more determined than ever to succeed. That's what I'm asking you to do today.

Yes, but I'm not George Washington. And your inflated comparison is nothing more than the ether you publish it in. This is not the Revolutionary War. Do you realize that your statement above, while intended to paint Specter in a traitorious light, actually paints the Democrats as "Enemy Combatants?" Is that how you truly feel about half of the country? How badly do you want to defeat your enemy, the Democrats? Are you going to shoot them? Capture them and put them in your own private Andersonville? Would you waterboard them?

Join me in this fight by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 right now to build our army of supporters and defeat Democrat candidates like Arlen Specter in next year's elections.
Stand with me. I need your support today.
Sincerely,
Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee
P.S. Michael, we need to respond to Senator Specter's decision to join President Obama's efforts to change America into a European Welfare State. Please help our Party move forward by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 to give our Republican leaders & candidates the political muscle they need to resist the Obama-Pelosi-Specter agenda. Thank you.

And there's the usual beggars' request for money. Keep trying Mike. You're not getting better, just funnier!

Dissecting RNC Propaganda

2009-04-24T04:50:00.000-07:00

You don't hear much from the Republicans these days. Unless of course you're on the RNC mailing list. Every week I get a personal message from RNC Chairman Michael Steele asking me to take action to thwart the evil that President Barack Obama does. It's really funny and never fails to teach me about spin with its creative mixture of rhetoric, opinion and the occasional fact thrown in here and there. I thought I'd share one with you.

Dear Michael,

They all start like this. As if Mr Steele is my personal buddy. It's designed to give recipients that 'Wow, he knows my name!' squishy feeling inside, but I know it's just a macro in the mail program that just pastes in the recipients first name. Now that I think of it, It might be funny to sign up as "Shithead Jones" just so I can get e-mails from the RNC that start, "Dear Shithead."

Recently in his speech in France, Barack Obama called America "arrogant." 1 I'm sure the French loved it -- And so did the liberal press.

But who is this president who calls the American people arrogant?

OK, the footnote on this one looks like this:

1 "[A]rrogant." (President Barack Obama, Town Hall, Strasbourg, France, 4/3/09)

Far be it from me to instruct an educated man like Mike, but I'm not sure you can footnote one single word. I mean, there is the question of context. It's as if he said 'doughnut' or 'pistachio.' Really Mike, if you can't provide the whole quote, or at the least a link to it, you may as well not bother with the footnotes. To clarify your point, Obama did indeed use the word 'arrogant' but not about America per se. He used it in reference to the Bush Regime and its attitude to the rest of the world in matters of foreign policy.

This is the same politician whose supporters anointed him "The One" and a candidate who boasted that his election would be remembered as "the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal." 2

Get a grip Mike. You cannot accuse Obama of arrogance on the basis of a nickname give him by other people. Many people call Junior Bush a moron. Does that make it true? And your quote is extraordinarily miselading. Not only does the link connect to a Neo-Con blogger who equates it with Moses parting the Red Sea, your selective editing implies that Obama has delusions of grandeur. Want the truth? He was referring to Global Warming. Want to read the whole quote? Here you go: "The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals." See what I mean about context? Ver, very naughty Michael. And very, very arrogant to think that intelligent people would not see through your clever ruse.

This is the same man who indicated his disdain for small town and working Americans when he said they "cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them," while addressing a group of San Francisco caviar and champagne liberal elitists.

How arrogant is that? Arrogant enough?

Have you ever been to a small town Mr Steele? I've been to plenty. We all remember this statement and the flap that resulted, but guess what? Small Town America does cling to its guns and its God. And they are distrustful and wary of people who aren't like them. It's a sad fact of life, but many communities are extraordinarily insular; small town, big city, you name it. People cling to certain beliefs and seek out like-minded individuals for companionship. This is how neighborhoods, villages, towns, cities and nations are formed. I think the RNC is just miffed at this generalization because it hits too close to home: Guns, God and Fear.

In truth, President Obama seems to champion the twisted "Blame-America First" mentality of the worst of the American left.

More importantly, it shows an absence of wisdom to criticize the United States while on foreign soil, and then join with the Pelosi-Reid Democrats in Congress to do everything possible to end American exceptionalism and create a weak, dependent socialist state patterned after the examples of Europe.

Now this is a masterful combination of button-pressing Mike! Who wrote it for you? Surely you will incite many of the Party Faithful with this one. You make blatant statements designed to anger the "converted" and at the same time salt them with escape clauses for plausible deniabilty. Words like "seems" and "shows" are great fallbacks when you're called to the carpet for being wrong. "Well, we didn't say he was blaming America, we said it seemed like he was."

* He has taken steps towards nationalizing American auto companies; firing executives while leaving in power the same Union Bosses who funded his campaign and helped cripple the U.S.'s manufacturing base.

Yes, unfortunately it does look like we're on a road to Nationalization. But what else are we going to do after the Republican Party allowed the auto companies to run their businesses into the ground? Don't even think of blaming Obama for the mess you and your cronies created with special congressional set-asides and the loosening of emission restrictions.

* He has refused to let financial firms pay back taxpayer-funded bailout loans 3 so he can make them hostages to the whims of the Federal government.

Actually, the banks you refer to do not want to "pay back" the loans. They want to retroactively not accept them in the first place. This is because they wish to continue the risky and immoral practices which caused the financial crisis in the first place. Not only that, but they know when they return the money, the smaller banks which need Federal assistance to stay afloat will look less attractive to customers and this may cause some investors to shift their money to the banks that can afford to pay back the loans. Then as the smaller banks fail, the remaining banks scoop them up at bargain prices.

* As a lawyer, Obama once sued the same financial institutions on behalf of radical groups like ACORN for failing to use leftist social engineering criteria for lending instead of an applicant's ability to repay a loan.

Wow, not even a footnote for this one? Just more buzzwords designed to anger up the Republican blood. Lawyers and leftists and ACORN, OH MY!! Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Mike.

* He campaigned on "transparency" and "integrity" in government and then has nominated a rogue gallery of tax evaders, Washington bureaucrats, and lobbyists to run his Administration.

Yay! Mikey finally got one right! Except no one really gives a shit these days. Both Republicans and Democrats have conditioned us to look the other way when it comes to politicians and their foibles. Tax evasion, bribery, adultery, misogyny, pederasty… been there, done that and we really don't care anymore. I mean, I do, but I'm more concerned about you idiots lowering my taxes, fixing my streets and returning pride to the country in which I live. To paraphrase Katharine Hepburn, you can people your bed with sheep for all I care.

* Obama brazenly follows his chief of staff's maxim of "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste...This crisis provides the opportunity for us to do things that you could not do before" 4 to cripple our free markets with massive taxation and spending that wrests away our freedoms and puts even our great-grandchildren in debt.

Uh-huh. Not unlike using a national tragedy to invent a false conflict in order to invade a country which had nothing to do with the tragedy in the hopes of killing the guy that sent assassins after your daddy? Sound familiar Mikey? You can't give Rom Emanuel credit for a strategy invented by Karl Rove. Well, he didn't invent it, but he sure as hell turned it into an art form.

* And now, anyone who dares speak out against or challenge Obama's ultra-liberal agenda, such as the hundreds of thousands of patriots who attended last week's Tea Parties, should expect to be labeled "unhealthy" by this Adminstration. 5 Now, THAT is arrogance!

Again Mikey, sounds familiar… remember how anyone in disagreement with the Bush Regime was automatically labeled Un-American? As for the Tea-baggers being patriots, how so? These were not brave individuals protesting for their beliefs. They were basically actors hired and shepherded by groups run by the RNC and the two Dicks, Armey and Cheney. Don't try to tell me that a summer blockbuster is an independent art film, Mikey, I know the difference. Not only that, but you infer that Obama himself is calling the Tea-Baggers "unhealthy" when in fact it was a comment made by one of his many advisers, David Axelrod. Way to spin the facts, Mikey!

You know that Barack Obama's hubris and charisma conceal the inexperience and lack of wisdom that our country cannot afford in its president.

And though the teleprompter and mainstream media liberals may delay America's realization of the peril the Obama White House portends for our future for a while, the eventual failure of leftist policies and ineffective leadership will not.

So, you'd rather Obama look like an inept, marble-mouthed retard? Well, I suppose after eight years of Junior you've grown accustomed to that. Nice use of the word 'teleprompter' though! With that one word you imply that Obama is not smart enough to make a speech without one and also that the words he reads are not his own. Teleprompters have been around since the 1950's Mike, and before that there were cue cards. We all know that a politician can't make a speech without one these days, Democrat or Republican. I'm just thankful that Obama can use one without stumbling over the words every two sentences and continuously saying "uhhh… errrr…" like his predecessor.

We must be ready when that time comes.

Please help the Republican Party's effort to spread the word about the Democrats' arrogance of power and support GOP Members of Congress as they work to hold the Obama Democrats accountable to the American people, by making a contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to the Republican National Committee today.

Your gift will also help support the recruitment and election of principled candidates who will defeat the Democrats in 2009 and 2010 and lay the groundwork for ending Barack Obama's grip on power in 2012. Thank you.

And here we have the real heart of the matter. Greed. Rather than tout policy alternatives or invite people to a discussion on what can be done to fix the myriad of problems we face today, most created by the Republicans, all Mike really wants is our money. The RNC has destroyed the moral and financial fabric of the United States and still has the gall to ask us to feed the beast! Talk about fucking arrogance!

Sincerely,

Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

Sincerely? Please. You are the quintessential bum asking for a handout, promising to buy a meal but then heading straight to the liquor store. Sorry, but you can't have my money. Do you know how hard my mother works in order to scrape up enough cash to send me every month so I can live the High Life? You have a job, use your own money.

P.S. Michael, the RNC is working hard to hold back the Obama Democrats' damaging, arrogant power grab -- please take this opportunity right now to support our fight against ineffective leadership and failed legislation by making a secure online contribution of $1,000, $500, $100, $50, or $25 to the RNC today. Thank you.

OMG!! What did I just tell you Mike! Are you deaf or just plain stupid? No money for you, bad puppet!

1 "[A]rrogant." (President Barack Obama, Town Hall, Strasbourg, France, 4/3/09)

2"[T]he moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal." (Sen. Barack Obama, Remarks After The Democrat Primary, St. Paul, MN, 6/3/08)

3"[R]efused to let financial firms pay back taxpayer-funded bailout loans..." (Stuart Varney, "Obama Wants To Control The Banks," The Wall Street Journal, 4/4/09)

4"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste...This crisis provides the opportunity for us to do things that you could not do before." (Gerald F. Seib, "In Crisis, Opportunity For Obama," The Wall Street Journal, 11/21/08)

5"I think any time you have severe economic conditions there is always an element of disaffection that can mutate into something that's unhealthy," (David Axelrod, "Face the Nation" 4/19/09)

This is what passes for footnotes in the RNC these days. Out-of-context, vague quotes sliced thinner than chipped ham. And even though we live in the digital age, there are few actual links to click. The few that are there connect to Party Faithful sites which serve to further obfuscate the true context and meaning of the quotes. If this is the best that Michael Steele and the RNC can do, then the "extreme left-wing" really has nothing to worry about.

Unless stupid people vote.

Uh-oh.

April Ficks

2009-04-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it's April Fool's Day here on Earth and the much dreaded quartet of Conficker virii are live and gnawing away at your Windows operating systems like a starving dog on a homeless man's leg. Or at least, they're supposed to be. By the way in case you're wondering, the name Conficker is reported to be a combination of 'configure' and the german 'fick' which means exactly what you think it does.

According to reports on CNN, the virii don't appear to be doing much damage anywhere, or if they are, no one seems to be noticing, however one member of the Conficker Cabal, a group of tech nerds dedicated to stopping the virii and tracking down it's author, some ten million computers have been infected by the insidious worm.

Conficker comes in four flavors dubbed A, B, C and amazingly, D. The virii take advantage of weak spots in the Windows OS and could possibly do one or more of the following: Reset and lockout users from account logins, disabling of Auto Updates and Error Reporting service, slowdown of domain services, LAN congestion, blocking of antivirus software and Windows update services. Guess you guys should have bought a Mac.

Now I know my readers are thinking that I'm making light of a serious situation here, but I'm not. Really. Conficker is such a terrible thing that multi-billion dollar corporate giant Microsoft has offered a $250,000 reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the Conficker author(s). Wow. That's almost a lot of money. They must really almost want that guy caught.

I'd love to sit here and discuss how interseting it is that April 1st marks both the Conficker trigger date and the start of the G-20 summit, but I really need to start chasing down those Confickerers so I can get that reward money. And just so you know Mr Gates, I'm spending most of it on Mac supplies!

Fuck You And The Tax You Rode In On

2009-03-31T04:36:00.000-07:00

Poor little uninsured children across the United States are about to become the recipients of one of the most massive tax increases in the history of this country. THe Federal Government is instituting a sixty-one cent tax on all cigarette packs sold in the US bringing the federal total to one dollar. The extra money is supposed to go to fund the SCHIP. Now, more than ever, people will have more incentive not to insure their children because they know someone else will be footing the bill for them.

Although the tax increase doesn't officially begin until April 1st, (how's that for an implementation date?) savvy retailers have already raised the prices of cancer sticks anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar. That's pure scumbag profit kids. That extra buck isn't going anywhere but in the retailers pockets and you're just forking it over like sheep.

But it doesn't end there. Manufacturers will be raising prices to offset the loss of revenue caused by the increased tax. Yeah, that makes good sense. By mid-summer we should all be paying an average of $7 per pack to feed our addiction. That is if we still continue to support the cancer merchants.

In Louisiana there is a contingent of politicians who know what's best for everyone and are attempting to add an additional eighty cent state tax to the mix which would push the per pack cost to well over eight dollars. Governor Bobby indal says he will veto the tax if it passes the legislature on the grounds that it will affect more poorer people and that's something he wishes to avoid during the Nation's current economic downturn.

Congratulations smoker haters! You have finally taken a huge step in eradicating tobacco from the general populace. You couldn't do it with your second-hand smoke studies, all of which have crumbled under close scrutiny. Finally you found something everyone loves: uninsured babies!! Please! Won't somebody think of the children! Have fun with that. Meanwhile as smokers either quit, or start buying their tobacco from tax-exempt indian reservations, your river of unconstitutional tax dollars will dwindle to a trickle. I can't wait to see the chaos in the future. Oh, and if you thought Black Market smokes were a problem in the past, wait a few months. You've just made cigarettes a worthwhile item for smugglers and the mob again.

As for me, I'm a smoker and if there's one thing I hate more than whiny anti-smokers it's whiny children. And if they're uninsured I hate them even more. Why the hell should I pay for your kids dip/tet? I can't afford my own fucking health insurance and you've got some nerve tapping my pocketbook to balance your shortcomings as a family provider. I'll be visiting the local reservation for my smokes from now on and the extra money I save will be going to whichever bar I happen to be near for my alcohol addiction. I hope there aren't any school zones in between the two!

What's The Point?

2009-03-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

MSNBC has a live vote in progress on whether or not we should remove the motto 'In God We Trust' from our currency. You can vote here. All you Atheists better hurry, you're losing 86% to 14%.

MSNBC offers the choice of: "Yes. It's a violation of the principle of separation of church and state." or "No. The motto has historical and patriotic significance and does nothing to establish a state religion." Apparently, some people who don't believe in God, or believe in another God, don't want our money to mention him. Gosh, I wonder if there might be anything else on our money that might offend some people? Let's take a look and see!

Well on the dollar, there's a portrait of George Washington, the first President of the United States of America. Well, unless you count all the other presidents before him. Washington got the job in 1789 but the United States was actually formed as an entity in 1777 after the Articles of Confederation were ratified. Before George, the presidents of the Congress were Peyton Randolph, Henry Middleton and John Hancock, (Presidents of the Continental Congress as The United Colonies of America,) Hancock again, Henry Laurens, John Jay, Samuel Huntington, (Presidents of the Continental Congress United States of America,) Huntington again, Thomas McKean, John Hanson, Elias Boudinot, Thomas Mifflin, Richard Henry Lee, Hancock again, Nathaniel Gorham, Arthur St Clair and Cyrus Griffin, (all Presidents of the United States In Congress Assembled.) So technically, Washington was our 17th President. Perhaps we should put him on the Seventeen Dollar Bill.

You know, most of our bills have Presidents on them, Ben Franklin being the hundred dollar exception. He was in charge of the Treasury Department for a time. Maybe It's time to change that. We could put our current President on all the bills like some nations do, but I don't know if Barack would look good in green. Hmmm, how about celebrities? Oprah on the $1000, Tom Hanks on the $500, Paris Hilton on the $20, (you know, for the nose candy fans,) and Billy Barty on the One signifying it's the smallest denomination and it's significant rate of shrinkage.

What else is there? On the back is the Great Seal of the United States. Both sides. Think of the seal as a coin. On the front, or obverse, is the US Coat of Arms. That's the eagle clutching thirteen arrows and an olive branch containing thirteen leaves and olives. There are also thirteen stars above the eagles head. The thirteens all symbolize the original colonies, but you don't need me to tell you that. The eagles head is turned toward the olive branch and away from the arrows which, it has been said, represents our nations desire for peace but our willingness to fight. That's a beautiful representation of 200-year old values, but no longer appropriate since George Bush destroyed that message years ago by unlawfully invading another country with falsified 'evidence' that… sorry, I digress. Anyway, let's get rid of that part. Maybe we can sell ad space there! I bet Rupert Murdoch would shell out a fortune to put the FOX "News" logo there!

The other side of the seal is the thirteen tiered pyramid with the spooky eye watching you. That's the Eye of Providence, or God. Looks like you're gonna have to take that out too. Oh, and the words "Annuit Cœptis" which means 'He approves our undertakings.' The "He" there also means God, so I guess that's out too. Under the pyramid are the words "Novus Ordo Seclorum" meaning New Order of the Ages. Who cares. Dump the latin. We need something hip and trendy in that spot. I got it! A scratch off game! Leave the pyramid there and your dollar will be worth exactly one dollar, but you can take a chance and try to turn your one dollar into five, ten or twenty! Replace the Latin crapola with the words: "Deal, Or No Deal!" But beware, under the pyramid might be the actual forty-two cent value of the dollar!

As for the motto, 'In God We Trust,' we should replace it with multiple slogans. Why be pigeonholed with one boring motto? Think of the possibilities. Coke Adds Life! Who Watches The Watchmen? Don't Forget To Vote! Have A Nice Day! Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out! Let's make money FUN again!!

This entire debate stems from the mind of one goofball in Sacramento, CA, Michael Newdow, an atheist who has been trying, (and failing,) to erase every reference to God he comes across. So far, he has failed to remove God from the Pledge of Allegiance, US currency and coinage, and a North Carolina government building. Newdow claims that “The placement of ‘In God We Trust’ on the coins and currency was clearly done for religious purposes and to have religious effects.” Big deal. Does it make your life that horrible, Mikey? Here's an idea, get yourself an ATM card and use that instead of cash. You'll never, ever, have to see the motto! And you can stop bothering everyone else.

Now for you kids out there that believe the motto to be a "historic and patriotic" part of our nation's history. You're wrong. While references to the Almighty have been on our coins and currency in one form or another since 1864, It wasn't until 1955 that Congress required the motto to be emblazoned on all our money, both bill and coin. That was just a year after they crammed the Big Guy into the Pledge, by the way. It was a heady time and I guess we needed to remind everyone we weren't like those Godless Commies. Fifty years is a long time, but not quite the 200+ year tradition everyone thinks is accurate.

As for me? I say let the motto stay. It really isn't hurting anyone and how often do you ever notice it? And right now I have more faith in God than I do in the Federal Reserve, but that can change at any moment…

Run Karen, Run!

2009-03-05T02:39:00.000-08:00

Please?

Desperation

2009-03-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

The Republican Party's token answer to Barack Obama, Chairman Michael Steele, is working hard for the money. So hard for it, honey. Today, I received a desperation e-mail from Mr Steele pleading for money in order to help Minnesota senatorial candidate Norm Coleman continue his destruction of the electoral process.

You may remember last year when the race between Coleman and comedian/political commentarist/candidate Al Franken was so close that a recount was deemed necessary. Initially, Coleman was declared the vote leader by some 200+ votes, but in the recount, certain oddities switched the lead to Franken by a similar margin. At question are over 650 absentee ballots which the Minnesota Supreme Court says were properly rejected due to various reasons. If counted, the absentee ballots would bring Franken's lead down to just 49. Coleman's shysters are also attempting to recount some 150 ballots which were initially counted twice and reinstate another 133 ballots which were counted initially but now cannot be found. I wonder if they looked behind the sofa? I always lose stuff behind the sofa.

So Chairman Steele is out beating the electronic bushes trying to scare up a few dollars for Coleman's recount lawsuit. I suppose this is completely legal, but it just comes off as pathetic and sad. From Steele's letter:

As the former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland and candidate for the U.S. Senate, I’m no stranger to the gutter campaign tactics and shady legal maneuverings of the Left Wing. They don’t fight fair, and they’ll stop at nothing to consolidate the power they crave.

Wow. Strong words there, but it certainly sounds like the Bush Administration tactics used to keep the Republican Party in power over the last eight years. I can see why Mr Steele was chosen to carry the Republican Banner of fear-mongering and deception. He's good at it.

Later, Steele assures party members that had Norm Coleman been on the Hill, "…it would have been much more difficult for Obama and Reid to get the 60 votes they needed to pass their outrageous, pork-laden stimulus package." Nice try Mikey, but you're not even close. Coleman has always been a small cog and no amount of after-the-fact chest-feather puffering will make him the Republican savior. If it weren't for this recount debacle we would all be blissfully unaware of Norm Coleman's existence as we have been for most of his political career.

So, if any of you out there wish to further impede the electoral process, by all means send a small donation of up to $2300, (the legal maximum,) to the Republican Party and tell them you want to help the great state of Minnesota to remain unrepresented in the US Senate for another four to six months. After all, if the citizens of the remaining 49 states don't help out Norm Coleman financially, who the hell will?

The American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan

2009-01-24T12:19:00.000-08:00

Closing Gitmo is an nice move. It's one of the campaign promises Barack Obama made and now must keep whether he wants to or not. Just where he'll disappear George Bush's pet terrorists is left to speculation. Freezing White House salaries? It's about time someone in government took responsibility and pulled their own belts a little tighter. And re-opening the crown of the Statue of Liberty? It's about damn time! Nothing defined the Bush Administration more than the closed and empty head of Lady Liberty.

Eric Holder's confirmation as Attorney General is a week late, but as soon as Holder promises Republicans that he won't come after them for their sins in the previous mis-administration he should be greenlighted.

But this "American Recovery and Reinvestment Plan" thing…

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's set aside the fact that you're following George Bush's lead by throwing money at a problem and hoping it goes away. Let's set aside the fact that even the most conservative estimates are predicting the total cost to exceed two trillion dollars. (Trillion? Fuck, and here I sit wondering whether I should buy bread and cheese or pay the heating bill.)

Let's talk about timing.

Your own financial advisors and the Congressional Budget Office say that only one-third of that money can be spent by the end of 2010 meaning that the "immediate impact" of the plan should be felt somewhere around the start of the 2011 NFL season. Office of Management and Budget director Peter Orszag, former director of the CBO, says that the CBO has only analyzed forty percent of the plan but that seventy-five percent of the money will go directly into the economy in the first 18 months. that's good spin, kids! Do the math and you'll find that seventy-five percent of forty percent works out to just one-third of the proposed $800 billion.

I wonder which programs will get the money first: Medicaid ($87 billion), shiny new alternative energy government cars ($600 million), DTV conversion box coupons ($650 million), upgrading the National Computer Center for the Social Security Administration - anyone see Die Hard 4? ($400 million), Department of Defense research for "green" weapons systems ($350 million) (and that's just for research!), Census Bureau ($1 billion), and the list goes on.

Sure there's some great stuff in there like vocation training and work placement and medical and insurance compensation plans, but almost everything in this bill is geared to trickle down over the next three years. By that time we'll all be working second jobs at Wal•Mart just to pay off the enormous tax-debt created by this one bill. I'm all for "green" tech and nationwide broadband access, but this bill isn't the place for them.

Committee on Appropriations chairman Dave Obey warns us that without the passage of this bill unemployment could rise to twelve percent, but if the bill does pass it will only rise to eight or nine percent. And this is considered Recovery? Sure, in three years we'll be saving thirty percent on our light bill, but that's assuming we're still able to afford the rent. Good luck with that.

To read the bill for yourself, a PDF is available at appropriations.house.gov/pdf/PressSummary01-15-09.pdf

Thank God That's Over With

2009-01-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

Of course I refer to the interminable eight years of botched policies and mis-management from the George Bush administration. Also, the televised coverage of the Barack Obama inauguration which seemed to last almost as long.

I kept wondering if it was a costume event until I realized that the guy dressed like Mr Potter, the evil old wheelchair-bound spider from It's A Wonderful Life, was actually former vice-president Dick Cheney who is apparently being eaten inside-out by cancerous guilt. We reap what we sow, eh?

The Networks had something for everyone. FOX "News" had the always charming Sheppard Smith in-articulating events as they happened with great gusto. From not knowing which helicopter was which, or who rode in what limo, to completely missing the significance of the Yosemite Valley painting hanging in National Statuary Hall. (It's part of the Lincoln theme Shep. See, Lincoln signed the Yosemite Land Grant in order to protect the area. Obama is a big Lincoln fan. See the connection?)

FOX had discussion in great detail about what they referred to as "Obama's Financial Bailout Plan" and how it could make or break him. Interesting. Somehow they failed to remember that it was good ol' George Bush who crafted the 800 billion dollar bailout, the first half of which has disappeared into the pockets of his Wall Street cronies. Obama is simply the executor of the remainder of Bush's last great mistake. Nothing like blinders to help keep your spin on track, eh FOX?

ABC had some decent coverage with Charlie Gibson, (oh, sorry Charlie, it's Charles now since you no longer handle fluff pieces on GMA, right?) and Diane Sawyer taking turns doling out historical facts and trivial snippets. For the most part Gibson stuck to history and Sawyer handled the important things like dress designers and speculation on Michelle Obama's gift to Laura Bush. (It was a pen and journal set according to Gibson.) ABC also had incisive commentary by George Stephanopoulis on how George Bush kept in shape during his tenure as tyrant, only gaining a few pounds in the last eight years. Cool! News I needed to know!

And CBS had Katie Couric.

What really depressed me about the whole thing was that this was the most attended inaugural event in the history of the Presidency. Yeah, OK, I get it. We elected the nation's first black president. Well, half-black, anyway. So it's historical and one would expect a large turnout, but it made me realize that if Obama was white, no one would really give a damn. It would simply be another president taking the Oath of Office. Big deal, right? It made me realize how little the citizenry cares about politics in the first place. No wonder the country is in the shape it's in.

Fiscally, the events surrounding the inauguration cost an estimated 170 million dollars but don't worry kids, only a small part of that money came from your taxes. Most of it came from private donations made by Wall Street movers and shakers. You know, those guys that are currently getting bailed out by the Feds with your hard-earned… oops. Well, perhaps the Feds can recoup some of that with the DVD sales and rentals. As for the Street itself, it plunged over 330 points reportedly because Obama didn't mention anything about them in his first speech. Talk about needy! Hey, wait a minute… what the hell are you people doing trading on Inauguration Day anyway? Not only are you a bunch of whiny bums crying for government handouts, but you don't even bother to pay respect to the new president you're begging from? Classy, really classy.

Chief Justice John Roberts, a Bush appointee, made a minor faux pas as he garbled the Oath of Office. One wonders how many of the nut-jobs who claim Obama is not a citizen will now claim he's not actually president because he didn't take the "real" Oath of Office. Of course, that leads to speculation that Bush instructed his pet to mess it up intentionally, but surely that couldn't be, could it? No, of course not. Any plan like that would have to come from someone with a working brain and real power. Like Dick Cheney. My God, I love a good conspiracy theory! (Well, wonder no more! NBC's Brian Williams just made it official, the nut-jobs are already crying!

As for Obama, one of his first acts of office was to reach out to the Gulf Coast promising to honor the "broken promises" and insure we never again suffer through the "unconscionable ineptitude" of the former administration. (Oooh, burn!) This came in the form of a statement released on the White House website. He also issued orders to cease implementation of many of George Bush's 'Midnight Resoloutions.' You know, those sneaky little laws an outgoing president pushes through when he thinks no one's looking. According to reports, Georgie signed more of those than Billy Clinton, Ronnie Reagan and Daddy Bush combined. Nice try, Georgie, but apparently another failure to add to your scrapbook.

And speaking of the former administration, George and his lovely wife Laura jetted away to their ranch in Crawford, Texas, a place they have clearly missed in the last eight years. Counting vacations spent at Camp David and in Crawford, George and company only managed to get in about three years of rest. Out of eight. Talk about your cushy part-time jobs!

Well, I guess that's enough rambling for one day. Enjoy your retirement George, you certainly earned it. And to the new president, Barack Obama, congratulations! You have a difficult job ahead of you, unraveling the twisted knot of incompetence left behind by your predecessor. No pressure though!

Here We Go Again

2009-01-07T11:22:00.001-08:00

Anyone remember Hurricane Katrina? Anyone remember how quickly New Orleans recovered? Thank the heavens we all learned our lessons so that will never happen again! Or did we? Hurricane Ike struck the Texas Gulf Coast on 9/13/08. For a look at the recovery process you can visit the Flickr stream of darlamw, a Galveston resident who has been documenting everything from the Ike's approach to it's aftermath. The similarities to parts of New Orleans are striking.

Help Holy Cross

2009-01-03T00:33:00.000-08:00

The Holy Cross neighborhood in New Orleans' Lower Ninth Ward is still struggling to recover from Hurricane Katrina. You can follow their progress at helpholycross.org, a blog dealing with all aspects of the neighborhood from arts and culture, civic meetings, rebuilding and remediation, and business and politics. Stop by and visit if you're interested in how a community can work together to rise above adversity.

Bush Presidency Not A Failure!

2008-12-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

According to his two top female advisors, Condoleeza Rice and wife Laura.

Safely ensconced in her 'Stepford,' TX ranch, Laura Bush told FOX 'News' "Do I think the press is fair? No, absolutely not." Regarding those who criticize her husbands' regime as a failure, she said, "Well, I know it's not. And so I don't really feel like I need to respond to people that view it that way." And of course, that's the real problem. The typical Bush response to any fact which does not fit neatly into his world is to ignore it until it goes away, then when it fails to go away, to spin it in some way that makes Incurious George look good. I guess all those years of alcoholism left some residual deniability in George and Laura. Good for them!

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice also had a few words about her soon-to-be-former massah: "Generations pretty soon are going to start to thank this president for what he's done. This generation will."

You know, in the spirit of the New Year I think I'll get the ball rolling here.

Thank you, George W Bush, for concocting false evidence in order to invade a middle eastern country which, while certainly led by a miserable tyrant, had absolutely nothing to do with Al-Quaida, 9/11, WMD's or any other thing you accused them of. They did try to assassinate your Daddy though, so I guess your Texas-sized ego and white-trash mentality makes this a perfectly acceptable Quid Pro Quo. How very Jerry Springer of you!

Thank you, George W Bush, for creating the No Child Left Behind program. Through creative bookkeeping you have managed to hide the fact that illiteracy and dropout rates are higher than ever in this country. By listing dropouts as "transfers" and allowing "certain" children to slide during major testing you have made our Nation's schools look ideally wonderful! Congrdulashens! Wee ar all aweighting the nexx vershen of Webster's Dikshenarry with grate auntissipashen!!

Thank you, George W Bush, for slashing restrictions on corporate pollution. The money saved and stuffed into executive Golden Parachute plans more than makes up for the centuries of tainted land and water our children will have to deal with. But hey, by that time you'll be dead! To use your new favorite phrase… "So what?"

Thank you, George W Bush, for allowing illegal immigrants to pour through our borders like water through an ACE levee. We now have more than enough waiters, maids, gardeners, garbage men and chicken plant workers to last a lifetime. Unfortunately, none of them speak English or pay taxes, but hey, you can't have everything, right?

Thank you, George W Bush, for giving Wall Street the green light to play hard and fast with our money, creating loopholes, tax-dodges and Ponzi schemes which raped the Nation's wallets and further widened the divide between the Haves and Havenots. It's certainly a shame that you couldn't figure out how to get our Social Security money into the stock market though! Maybe next time!

Thank you, George W Bush, for the fiscal bailout programs. We, the people, are so stupid that we could never have found a solution like yours. To fight the spectre of insurmountable debt, your idea is to create more debt! Brilliant!! Hey, I'm going to go bankrupt soon, can I have a couple grand too?

Thank you, George W Bush, for making our National Parks safe to visit once again. Since you eviscerated gun laws people will think twice before drawing down on the average citizen at Yellowstone now, won't they?

Thank you, George W Bush, for your prompt action during Hurricane Katrina. Without your hard work and determination, thousands of people would have been stranded on rooftops and left homeless for years, scattered across the country far from friends and family.

Thank you, George W Bush, for re-popularizing the concept of the oubliette. Your system of secret jails is the perfect place to hide all those crazy school teachers, accountants and gas station owners you picked up after 9/11. And holding them under suspicion without charging them? Brilliant! No need to allow them counsel if they haven't been charged! No wonder there have been no terror attacks "on U.S. soil" during your reign.

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Mission Accomplished" speech. Without that speech, we all would have thought that the War on Iraq was still underway. No, really, thank God that's over! But George, why are our husbands, wives, fathers, mothers and children still dying over there? Any ideas?

Thank you, George W Bush, for the "Midnight Regulations" you are feverishly passing in your last days. At your current rate, you should be able to pass more MR's than any other president in the history of this country, including Bill Clinton and your Daddy! With a little elbow grease, you could possibly destroy this country more in your final thirty days than in the previous eight years of your reign. Good luck to you! I'm certain that Big Coal will reward you with many lovely gifts as payback if they haven't already done so.

Gosh George, there's ever so much for us to be thankful for and it's all because of you! You, and you alone, have done what no other tyrant, enemy or foreign power has ever been able to do. You have brought the United States of America to it's knees. And isn't that the best way to fuck someone up the ass?

John Foxx

2008-12-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

Carolina Panthers head coach, John Foxx is an asshole. Why? Late in the fourth quarter of the Saints/Panthers game, Foxx chose to instruct his punter to kick a crap shot out of bounds at midfield, thereby ensuring that Saints quarterback Drew Brees would not be able to break Dan Marino's single season passing yard record. Brees came up sixteen yards short. No word yet on whether any money passed between Marino and Foxx. Enjoy your playoffs John and sleep well knowing that the world now knows what a truly contemptible prick you really are.

Iconic Britain Has Finished It's Contest!

2008-12-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

You may remember the Iconic Britain kafuffle from a few months ago. Well, they finally got around to compiling the top 100 British Icons!! Actually, it's really the top 96 Icons since the Beatles, Lady Diana and Breakfast get listed twice, but hey, what's a little redundancy when you're compiling a list of the best aspects of a culture? Curiously, jug ears and bad teeth and the Beckhams did not make the list.

Visit http://www.iconicbritain.co.uk/ to see the top 100 icons. It a laugh riot! Ten categories and ten pictures each. #10 in Art & Culture: British Summers? Buildings & Architecture contains Beefeaters and Red Phone Boxes, neither buildings nor architecture.

My favorite is the category of Great British Holidays. No mention of Guy Fawkes or boxing day, but mostly places where Brits go when they get a holiday. #6 is 'sandcastles at the beach' but the photo is a flower?? Not only that, but above the photo are the words 'INCORRECT IMAGE.' I mean… they paid someone to type in those words, but were too damn lazy to find a picture of a freaking sandcastle? the acronym LMAO comes to mind but I disdain netspeak.

Brits apparently love their morning meals though as 'English Breakfast' ranked 39th overall and 5th in the 'Institutions & Rituals' category but 'Full English Breakfast' ranked 17th overall and 1st in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

The 'News & Current Affairs' category was very interesting. Christmas was listed twice and other 'current affairs' included D-Day, VE Day, Jubilee celebrations from 1977 and 2002, Band Aid and a Princess Di interview from last century. Talk about living in the past!

The 'People' category was a surprise as it actually contained people! Francis Drake was 7th oa and first in the category beating out Elizabeth II (37th oa/2nd cat) and the Queen Mum (66th oa/9th cat.) The Beatles came in 45th overall and 4th in the category which is puzzling since they ranked 69th overall and 7th in the 'Arts & Culture' category.

Princess Di, whose "famous interview" I mentioned earlier, failed to make the people category, but ranked 2nd in 'Style and Fashion' (behind the original Mini) and 86th overall.

'Views & Vistas' (an thinly veiled Microsoft reference?) was filled with famous places like Stonehenge, London, and the White Cliffs of Dover, but curiously included a field of bluebells (76th overall/6th category.) I can see travelers the world over clamoring for plane tickets right now: "C'mon Marge, we gotta go the that field of bluebells!!"

The final category, 'Wildlife' contained some of the most Britishest of Icons I've ever seen: squirrels, butterflies, robins, lambs, ducklings, daffodils, poppies… my goodness, if only the rest of the world had such wonderful flora and fauna!!

Overall, I'd have to say the copyright infringement problems were a small price to pay for this exquisite collection British Icons! Kudos to Iconic Britain, Microsoft and Thin Martian Design for a job… well, done!

LenDale White, Keith Bulluck, Classless in Tennessee

2008-12-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

Not content with simply outplaying the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tennessee Titans LenDale White and Keith Bulluck ground a Terrible Towel into the turf with their cleats after Steeler's QB Ben Roethlisberger was intercepted a second time, this for a touchdown. It's a gesture Steeler fans see from many opponents who, lacking the intelligence to celebrate a win graciously, resort to cheap, cowardly theatrics to make a point.

But here's something the little Titans should have thought of. Buy a real Terrible Towel! It's my understanding that NFL players make decent money, but apparently Bulluck and White are strapped for cash as they were desecrating a bootleg knock-off not endorsed by the Steeler organization or the NFL as evidenced by the lack of logos. Hell, it didn't even have the real Terrible Towel logo on it. Are they miserly or just stupid?

My money's on the latter. If they had the least bit of intelligence, they'd remember the last time a player did this, another classless has-been, TJ Houshmandzadeh. TJ desecrated a Terrible Towel in a regular season meeting between the Bengals and Steelers a few years ago and in the post-season rematch, the Steelers broke the Bengals spirit, Quarterback and Superbowl hopes and went on to win the Superbowl in Detroit.

So enjoy your fifteen minutes of infamy Lenny and Keith. I hope you own comfortable couches, you'll be spending five hours on them come February first!

Oh, Those Clever Engineers!

2008-12-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

Recently uncovered evidence shows that US Army Corps of Engineer employees are just as stupid as we thought. Evidently some of the very people we entrust our safety to have either a wicked sense of humour, or are incredible assholes, using government equipment to harass and berate the group Levees.org on their blog. One comment went so far as to call us stupid for living here in the first place! From WWL:

While I can see the Corps point, that it's "one" individual, (and we all know it's more than one,) it's still just a small percentage of their workforce. However, when you have one child molester working at your daycare center you don't simply dismiss it. If the individuals responsible for this harassment are off the clock it's simply misuse of government equipment, but if they are on the clock, they are stealing time as well, and guess who pays their salaries?

In my opinion, the Corps casual dismissal of these incidents is yet another slap in the face to the citizens of New Orleans. I urge you to contact the Corps and demand an investigation into these incidents.

Happy Holidays!

2008-11-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

Dateline New Jersey:

A temp worker for Wal•Mart was crushed to death this morning as he opened his store for Black Friday shoppers. According to a co-worker, when the doors were unlocked, the rush of people actually tore the door off it's hinges and it fell on top of the temp worker. In the mad dash for bargains, greedy shoppers simply trampled over the door, killing the worker in the process.

Of course, there may be no way to tell which individuals are responsible. One can only hope that the store video surveillance has clear shots of the morons at the front of the line and police will be able to track them down and bring appropriate murder charges against them.

A statement released by Wal*Mart today mentioned that they take the security and safety of their customers very seriously. That's wonderful, but I notice it mentions nothing about the safety and security of their employees. You learn something new every day, eh?

To the bargain hunters responsible for this senseless murder, I certainly hope the holiday savings were worth the price of a human life.

Happy Holidays.

Blurb Recognizes Genius!

2008-11-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

Sorry folks, that's about as humble as I can get at the moment. Just two days after releasing the lower ninth ward: K+36 on Blurb, they contacted me for their Take 5 Tuesday interview on the Blurberati Blog! I'm positively dizzy!

the lower ninth: K+36

2008-11-16T08:49:00.000-08:00

Three years in the making, my first book is now available at Blurb

On August 29, 2005 Hurricane Katrina made landfall near the Louisiana/Mississippi border, forever changing the lives of thousands of people. One of the most devastated areas was New Orleans’ Lower Ninth Ward, submerged beneath millions of gallons of water, in some places by as much as ten feet.

This collection of photographs by M Styborski documents three years of loss and recovery, destruction and rebuilding, and despair and hope in one of New Orleans’ oldest neighborhoods.

The video above highlights a small sample of the 135 photographs contained in the book. The music is the appropriately titled 'House Of Cards' by Final Academy, a band from New Orleans many years ago.

READY, SET, VOTE!

2008-11-04T06:32:00.000-08:00

I can't believe you lazy, lazy people! The polls are open and you're sitting there reading this blog! Well, perhaps it's for the best as there are a few constitutional amendments for the State of Louisiana that you might need to know about before pulling those levers. So let's go!

CA1 (Act 935-SB232) Term limits for members of state boards and commissions
A vote FOR imposes turn limits.
A vote AGAINST continues to allow elected or appointed members of certain state boards and commissions to hold an unlimited number of terms.

The Nation recommends FOR

You know, most of these are college boards and who really gives a damn, but one of the offices is that of the state Public Service Commissioner. If any office needed term limits, I'd think this would be the one.

CA2 (Act 937-SB296), Sets a time limit for calling special sessions
A vote FOR requires that legislators issue a call for a special session at least seven days prior to the start of the session.
A vote AGAINST continues the requirement that legislators issue a call for a special session at least five days prior to the start of the session.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

While this amendment would clarify certain aspects of calling special sessions, it still leaves the issue of signature versus public notification very vague. For instance, language in the Constitution specifically says that the governor or presiding officers “shall issue” the call “five days prior to convening.” But if the proclamation is signed one day and publicized the next a governor could circumvent the advance notice requirement by keeping a signed proclamation secret until publication becomes convenient. Not really a major issue, but why fix a vague law with a slightly less vague law. Vote no and make them get it right next time.

CA3 (Act 931-HB183), Temporary successors for legislators ordered to active military duty
A vote FOR allows the Legislature to appoint a temporary successor for any legislator called away for active military duty if the duty prevents him/her from performing the requirements of the office.
A vote AGAINST continues to allow districts to be without representation if the legislator away called for active service refuses to resign.

The Nation recommends FOR

OK, this is a strange one because it affects only one person. It's authored by District 94's Nick Lorusso who is actually going to be called to active duty near the end of 2008. This amendment will basically ensure representation for D94 while Lorusso serves his country and it also ensures that when his service is up he can return to his seat in the House. I see no harm here and it's actually a good plan to have in place if this situation ever comes up in the future.

CA4 (Act 932-HB420), Louisiana severance taxes to parishes
A vote FOR dedicates additional state severance taxes to the parishes of origin. Use of taxes is restricted. Also dedicates a portion of severance taxes collected on state property to Atchafalaya Basin Conservation Fund.
A vote AGAINST would maintain the maximum amount of $850,000 in severance tax revenues that the state pays to parishes.

The Nation recommends FOR

Severance taxes are monies paid to Parishes to replace natural resources taken (severed) from the Parish. They are intended to pay for things like road and bridge upkeep from wear and tear of the vehicles used to remove the resources. Currently the State is required to return 20% of all severance taxes to the Parish of origin on all removed resources other than sulfur, ignite and timber, but there is a cap set at $850,000 adjusted annually for inflation. The 2009 cap is currently at $875,000. This bill would increase the cap to $1.85 million for 2009 and $2.85 million for 2010 then adjust for inflation each successive year. If the full 20% were paid out last year, Parishes would have recieved $178 million, but due to the caps the payout was only $32 million. That's a lot of money that could be put to good use in some of those Parishes. If passed, this will allocate an estimated additional $26 million to 30 Parishes in 2009 and $46 million in 2010. The remaining Parishes do not generate enough severance taxes to reach even the current cap.

CA5 (Act 933-HB461), transfer of special property tax assessment level
A vote FOR allows homeowners to transfer speical property tax assessment levels to new homes if the local, state or federal government sells or expropriates their property.
A vote AGAINST prohibits homeowners from transferring special property tax assessments to new properties.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

This amendment is intended to give tax breaks mainly to elderly and disabled property owners by transferring low assessments of property taken for government use and transferring it to replacement property which may be in higher tax brackets. Well meant, but then we are left with incredibly inaccurate property tax rolls. Proponents of this amendment say it will affect a minimum of citizens but if this is true, wouldn't a special tax freeze for those individuals be a better solution instead of skewing the rolls?

CA6 (Act 936-SB295), Removes certain restrictions on blighted property
A vote FOR would mean that public authorities would not have to first offer expropriated property back its prior owner before selling the property a third party if the property was taken or removed to eliminate public health or safety threats and was held for less than 30 years. It also eliminates a requirement that the property must be sold by public bid.
A vote AGAINST would maintain re-sale requirements for property taken to remove a threat to public health and safety.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

Now this one scares me. I'm all for the first part which eliminates the requirement to offer the property first to the original scumbags who let it fall into such bad repair that the State had to take it away from them, but the second part, elimination of public bids, scares the living crap out of me. This is a bad, bad idea folks. Without the public bid process, politicians and sharp developers can carve out whole neighborhoods for any purpose they please. And you'll never know about it until it's too late. Can you say gentrification? Can you say corruption?

CA7 (Act 934-HB584), Contributions to post-employment benefit funds
A vote FOR allows public funds for non-pension, post-employment benefits to be invested in stocks.
A vote AGAINST would prohibit public funds for non-pension, post-employment benefits from being investged in stocks.

The Nation recommends AGAINST

I think this is the absolute worst time to propose this. The last thing we need is for our money to go into a state employee benefit fund that relies on the stock market. You may as well just take the whole fund down to Harrah's and bet it on black.

If you're still here and you want some help with the other choices in front of you today, (and you live in my district,) here you go…

President: Screw the big two, Ron Paul is on the Louisiana ballot for the Louisiana Taxpayers Party. Show the Dem-Reps that you're sick of being porked by the two-party system and vote for Ron! His Veep is Barry Goldwater, Junior!

Senate: Landrieu? Kennedy? No. Not to speak ill of either candidate, but Landrieu is sort of a mouth-breathing dullard and Kennedy is a borderline nutjob, (IMHO,) so let's get Libby with it and pull the handle for Libertarian Richard Fontanesi.

First Congressional District Rep: Jim Harlan, Democrat. No real reason other than Steve Scalise is wasting your tax money on junkets to Alaska to hook-up with Sarah Palin and calling it an "energy summit." Bullcrap. He just wants to attach himself to a nice fat Republican teat. Considering the current climate, a vote for Scalise might just be a huge step backward.

Associate Justice, First Supreme Court District: Jimmy Kuhn, Republican. Let's face it, aside from the Landrieu/Kennedy catfight, this is possibly the ugliest race the state has seen in a long time. Unfortunately there are only two choices here and between Greg Guidry and Jim Kuhn, Kuhn looks to be the better judge.

Public Service Commissioner: Heavy Sigh… John Schwegmann, No Party. I'm sorry, I'm not happy about this, but Eric Skrmetta is too closely associated with outgoing PSC Jay Blossman, Jr. It's widely suspected that Blossman has been in the pockets of his charges and his support of Skrmetta just scares me away. Schwegmann has had the job before, and he knows the territory and that's about all I can say about that.

Lastly, there's the Jefferson Parish 1% sales tax switcheroo. It's been on the books since 1984 and they're trying to say this money will be used for construction and maintenance on sewage, road and drainage projects. Yeah, sure it will. 24 years and it hasn't helped yet. I'm against it oput of sheer spite, but it will probably pass anyway.

So there you have it kids, get out there and make your voice heard! You don't have to agree with me, but if you don't vote, you can't bitch. And bitching is really what elections are all about, isn't it?

Kirby Gee

2008-10-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Kirby Gee passed away yesterday from apparent heart failure, which is a fucking joke since Kirby had one of the biggest hearts I've ever known. I cannot tell you how miserable I am, as are all those who knew him. We didn't hang out like we used to, but it was always a comfort to know that he was just across town.

If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

Kirby's the guy in the center of the last panel. For more info on this shot, read the comments.

For more Kirby memories, visit HumidCity and Ms Mae's.

UPDATE: There will be a second line at 1:30pm Sunday, Nov. 9th from Kirby's house at 520 Lyons to The Club Miss Mae's where a memorial service will be held. All are welcome to attend.

The Sterile Mind Of John LaBruzzo

2008-10-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

Louisiana State Representative John LaBruzzo is back and he's still fighting for welfare correction! You may remember his plan to sterilize "low income" women to "end generational welfare abuse." If not, here's a refresher course: Johnny would have the State pay $1000 to women on welfare if they volunteer to have their tubes tied. He also plans to give tax breaks to the right kind of people, (wealthy, educated people,) if they promise to breed more. What's different now is that LaBruzzo claims to have "overwhelming support" for his plan and he's currently shaping it into legislation for the 2009 session. According to Johnny, he's received "hundreds of e-mails" in support for his plan.

Hundreds! Wow. What does that mean? 200? 500? 666? Let's be nice and say 500, but of course not all of those are going to be from residents of District 81. There are bound to be well-wishers and supporters from nearby areas and across the state, so let's put the number at a generous (I think) 300.

District 81 is an oddly shaped district, (aren't they all?) encompassing Fat City, Old Metairie and Bucktown. According to the most recently updated figures on the LA House website (from the 2000 Census) there are 44,560 residents in the district, 40,465 of which are white. There are 1431 blacks, 1450 Asians, 2822 Hispanics and 1214 others. Wait, Add those up and you get 51,477. So much for the reliability of the Census, eh? Whatever the real numbers are, it's clear that this is a heavily gerrymandered district with respect to race.

Now let's look at the registered voters. The state numbers actually add up correctly to 30,306 registered voters; 27,872 whites, 641 Blacks and 1793 others. There are 10,801 Democrats, 13,746 Republicans and 5759 others. (Congratulations to the state and a gold star for math!)

Now let's put this information to use. 30,306 registered voters versus 300 e-mails. Why that's an amazing 0.98990299 percent! Wow! It's a virtual freaking landslide! Almost a whole percentage point! How impressive! Of course, virtually all of Johnny's co-workers in Baton Rouge think the plan is abhorrent, as does the local Catholic community, but that's just a testament to Johnny's can-do spirit and his will to make the world a little whiter! Sorry, that's a typo, that should read "a little brighter." I wouldn't want anyone to think the Honorable Mr LaBruzzo was a racist.

For those of you who are interested, you can let John LaBruzzo know your thoughts on this matter:

DISTRICT 81 OFFICE
3331 Severn Ave., Ste. 204
Metairie, LA 70002

LEGISLATIVE AIDE
Martha Post

(504)833-7788
(504)212-7644 (Fax)

E-MAIL
larep081@legis.state.la.us