Frog And Toad Are Still Friends

Here It Is!

2009-11-25T10:03:00.002-05:00

The worst ad I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Good golly. That father will haunt my dreams. When he dips his finger in the cranberry sauce... brrr. And my husband keeps making horrid suggestions about WHY he's been absent from the daughter's life for so long. You may thank me for not sharing them with you.

You are all very funny. I laughed and laughed yesterday that more people were horrified by the idea of being married to Relic - a HUMAN, albeit an unappealing one - than to the Littlest Hobo, who, although a very handsome German Shepherd, was still a German Shepherd. But I never said that I WANTED to be married to any of those guys (except for the dreamy Mike Holmes, although one of my friend's acidly pointed out in the comments that perhaps HIS renovations are never finished. Her husband is a contractor. Take from this what you will.). I was just using The Power Of Imagination, which - like Swiss Chalet commercials - isn't always a happy thing.

So. I'm curious. Who do YOU think looks like a good husband on tv - and remember, I'm asking for HUSBAND-material here, and not who everyone thinks if HOT. These two things can be the same thing but often are not. So have at it - who is marriageable and WHY? (extra points for Canadian too, of course.)

Men That May Have Been

2009-11-24T03:14:00.006-05:00

Slouchy wrote a thoughtful post about what may have been, the different paths our lives could have taken if other relationships had come to fruition. It was lovely. Of course, me being me, I read that and instead of having a bittersweet reflection on lost love, I wondered what it would have been like had I married various men. Men from Canadian television. Walk with me down memory lane, as I remember watching tv.

Husband Number 1: Relic from The Beachcombers

At first it was kind of fun living on a houseboat, but after only a few months I sobered up and quickly tired of his constant rantings about wanting to "get" his rival, Nick Adonidas.

"This man is a clumsy freak in a toque!" I think to myself. "And also, Nick is kind of hot."

Husband Number 2: Brent from Corner Gas

"I never thought that you'd work in the gas station after we got married," says my husband Brent, not even looking up from his comic book at the breakfast table. "But do you have to sit right outside drinking beer with my dad? I can HEAR you guys making fun of me."

"Jackass!" I say, and crack up.

He sighs, sadly, and turns the page in his comic book. On the kitchen wall, a clock ticks.

Husband Number 3: Hobo from The Littlest Hobo

In this one, I am also a German Shepherd.

"Bark!" I said. "Bark! Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark!"

It is then that I notice that Hobo has momentarily left to save Megan Follows from being imprisoned by an evil faux psychic. He comes back and I am totally giving him the silent treatment.

"Bark?" he says.

Husband Number 4: Mr. Dressup

"Sweetheart," calls my husband, Mr. Dressup. "Have you seen my bunny costume? Casey and I are putting on a play in the yard!"

"I just washed it, honey!" I call back. I bring it to him and he kisses me affectionately. "Come on, Mr. Dressup!" calls a little androgynous voice from the backyard. "The play is all ready!"

He's so good with that puppet, I think sadly, and stare out the window, musing over my cheerful singing husband and the death of erotic love.

"I know," I think. "I'm going to take up smoking."

Husband Number 5: Mike Holmes from Holmes on Homes

"Would you look at these sub par support beams?," my husband, Mike Holmes, says. "It's a miracle the roof hasn't caved in."

"Oh Mike!" I say, staring at him adoringly. "You're so strong and also you finish renovations. I love you."

"That's right, honey," he says. "Now pass me my tool box."

Look! A New Post!

2009-11-19T11:40:00.001-05:00

It's about science. Or my version of science, which bears no resemblence to actual science. It's also about the markedly crummy year I've been having and which is mercifully JUST about over.
See you there!

Oprah + Presents = MAGIC

2009-11-17T15:39:00.011-05:00

I don't even know how to begin. That's how awesome this year's list is.

I think that we can agree that it's been a tough year - the Recession! H1N1! War! - and the general atmosphere seems to be one of muted tension. No one has any money, we're all kind of scared and sad and everyone seems to need a handknit afghan from their grandma and a bowl of homemade soup and maybe a showing of It's A Wonderful Life.

But in Oprahland, everything is hunky dory. Expensively, self-affirmingly hunky dory.

First up:
What is it?
A big gaudy sparkly Christmas ball.

Who is it for?
"For newlyweds decorating their first tree."

What's wrong with it?
It is TWENTY SIX DOLLARS for ONE SPARKLY CHRISTMAS BALL. And Oprah wants me to "buy several"! The heck I will, Oprah. I don't even like my OWN tree enough to spend over one hundred dollars on FOUR GAUDY BALLS, thank you.

Grade: D.

What is it?
Appealing simplistic vintage racing car

Who is it for?
Not actual children, I suspect, since they're $60. Each. But it's a website for children, and so I guess they are intended for children. "Exclusive" children.

What's wrong with it?
It's a toy car that costs $60. Really? You can't see what's wrong with that? Do you need me to explain it to you?

Grade: C-. It's cute. If it was something that real people could afford, and not just "exclusive", special people, I would grade it higher.

What is it?
Silver Reebox EasyTone Reeinspire Sneakers with magical leg and "tush" firming properties.

Who is it for?
The saggy tushed of your acquaintance.

What's wrong with it?
Suggesting someone's "tush" needs firming on Christmas morning seems risky to me. As does giving someone shoes that cost $125 and that are METALLIC SILVER. There are situations in which I might wear metallic silver running shoes, but most of them involve running from a bear on Mars.

Grade: F. Seriously, do not give someone devices intended for toning their butt on Christmas. Just don't do that.

What is it?
Semi-precious stone and leather bracelets.

Who is it for?
"Artsy" people. "Give one in a friend's favorite colour", chirps the magazine! And at $170, that had better be one HECK of a friend.

What's wrong with it?
Really? People give their friends' $170 bracelets? And I dunno, maybe you think that bracelet is $170 worth of awesome, but I don't.

Grade: D. I dunno, it's a bracelet. An expensive beady bracelet. Whoop-dee-doo.

What is it?
It is the iPod nano. I'm not even going to link to it, because you KNOW what it is.

Who is it for?
zzzzz. It's an iPod nano. You either have one or you want one or you very self-righteously do not WANT one because you're not part of the herd blahblahblah. In short, it's what I would like for Christmas but will not get because WE ARE IN A FREAKING RECESSION.

What's wrong with it?
IT IS EXPENSIVE.

Grade: Are you Santa? Are you reading this list hoping that I'll drop a hint about what I want?

What is it?
It is a black quilted biker jacket that will look flattering on very few women.

Who is it for?
I do not know. Who wears these things? The magazine says that it's "high style", which might explain my mystification.

What's wrong with it?
I play this little game with the Oprah Christmas list - I cover up the description so I can just look, aghast, at the suggested present, and then I dramatically reveal the price to myself. $329! This coat costs $329! Eeek!

Grade: D-.

What is it?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It is a hot pink trapper hat from Kate Spade. HAHAHAHAHA.

Who is it for?
A complete tool. Seriously, look at the picture of that thing.

What's wrong with it?
Where to begin? It's hot pink fake fur? It costs $195? It's foolish looking?

Grade: I do not know. If there is someone who you know and dislike and suspect would wear that stupid thing, and if you have a LOT of money, you could buy them that hat and then snicker whenever they wore it. But that would make you not a very nice person. Perhaps you should buy yourself the bad hat, nasty person. D-.

What is it?
Pretty cookies that look like Christmas lights.

Who is it for?
People who like cookies. Or people who have always wanted to eat a Christmas light.

What's wrong with it?
EIGHT COOKIES = $20. We're in the worst financial crisis since the Depression and some people are buying cutesy cookies that are apparently worth their weight in gold. Cookies - in case you were wondering - are not actually worth a lot of money. They're CUTE, though and maybe you're rich. By all means.

Grade: C-.

What is it?
It's a purple aluminum tube filled with makeup brushes.

Who is it for?
Ladies who like makeup.

What's wrong with it?
Let's see: it's reasonably-enough priced at $20, and it's cute and I can actually imagine people being happy to get it. So not much.

Grade: B+

What is it?
It is a merino wool scarf with sharks printed on it.

Who is it for?
I can't even begin to imagine. Seriously, my imagination has failed me.

What's wrong with it?
A) It's ugly.
B) It costs $225. Does my being appalled by ugly $225 scarves with sharks crudely printed on them indicate that something is desperately wrong with me? I really hope not.

Grade: D-.

What is it?
It is a long sleeved t-shirt with a Christmas tree on it.

Who is it for?
People who get that the shirt is "witty" and "fashionable."

What's wrong with it?
It's exactly the same thing as the sweater with the Christmas tree on it that your grandma likes to wear on Christmas day. I love grandmotherly fashion, so I think it's an awesome t-shirt AND I'm also amused by the idea of fashionable types wearing a grandma t-shirt. Hee.

Grade: B.

What is it?
12 Pairs of 12 Days of Christmas Baby socks.

Who is it for?
A baby.

What's wrong with it?
Well, they're cute. But they're also $45. They're fun, though, and nicely packaged and perhaps you're an affluent grandparent who has gone half-crazed with the joys of first-time grandparenthood.

Grade: B-

What is it?
Tea cups, saucers and spoons. Grandmotherly? Oh, heck no! "Their tutti-frutti interiors prove they're wild at heart."

Who is it for?
I think they're kind of cute.

What's wrong with it?
Nothing. They're $28 and they're pretty. The Oprah text made me snicker, though - even TEA CUPS need to be "extreme" now? Really? We're all so hysterically terrified of being grandmotherly that even our tea cups radiate youthful vitality? Does this seem necessary?

Grade: A.

What is it?
A copy of If You Give A Pig A Party or If You Take A Mouse To The Movies with a matching stuffed animal.

Who is it for?
Children and/or the immature.

What's wrong with it?
Well, I have a strict No Stuffed Animals For Gifts policy that I try and live by. But they ARE pretty cute. And they're only $10 and the proceeds go towards children's charities. So now I am having an inner battle over the whole No Stuffed Animals things vs. Cute and affordable

Grade: I think this is pretty nice - affordable and cute.

What is it?
"Stunning" Promise Me Chocolate Truffle Gems with edible gold on them.

Who is it for?
Did you know that my husband gives me nice chocolates every year for Christmas?

What's wrong with it?
They're pretty! They're $26! If my husband saw them, he would give them to me for Christmas.
Grade: B+. I don't need to eat a box of chocolates, thank you. But oh, how I love them.

What is it?
Reversible bubble parkas. That cost $15.... wait, $10.

Who is it for?
The chilled. Those who like coat options. A friend of mine who hasn't had a winter coat IN NORTHERN ONTARIO in EIGHT years because she has growing kids who always eat up the coat budget.

What's wrong with it?
Well, should we talk about the ethics of buying at Walmart? But on the other hand, for $10, you probably know a lot of people who could use a nice warm coat. Like my poor chilly friend.

Grade: B+.

What is it?
A MHS-PM1 Webbie HD photo and video camera with a rotating head for taking self-portraits.

Who is this for?
Teenage girls. The vain.

What's wrong with it?
It's $170. But I can imagine a lot of teenage girls being very happy to open it. Now teach them to take APPROPRIATE self-portraits, please.

Grade: A slightly worried B.

What is it?
Rubbery incense drawer inserts. What? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THESE ARE! (there's no online link.)

Who is this for?
The highly fragrant.

What's wrong with it?
IT IS ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS FOR FIVE DRAWER LINERS. I AM NOT KIDDING. ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE DOLLARS. FOR FIVE DRAWER LINERS.

Grade: I'm too dazzled to think in grades.

What is it?
Wool-cashmere gloves with electromagnetic fabric fingertips for typing on your iPod.

Who is this for?
Someone who can't stop texting even though they're outside IN THE COLD.

What's wrong with it?
Oh, where to begin. But they're also only $30. So I don't know. Do you know an addicted texter in danger of losing their fingers to frostbite? Then TA DA.

Grade: C-.

What is it?
Ballet flats that roll up to a very small size.

Who is this for?
People who wear perilously high heels and who could at ANY MINUTE need a pair of sensible back-up shoes.

What's wrong with it?
They're $22 and for the right person, hey, they might be kind of handy, eh? I have FREQUENTLY realized that the distance I had to walk was COMPLETELY incompatible with my adorable footwear.

Grade: B+

What is it?
The Reclaim Phone.

Who is it for?
People who want to still feel "eco-friendly" and yet have new stuff.

What's wrong with it?
Oh, NOTHING. We're on a depressing good streak of gift suggestions here.

Grade: A.

What is it?
Five pairs of reading glasses, one pair of sun readers and a hard case.

Who is it for?
People with strained, elderly eyes. Right, Dad?

What's wrong with it?
People don't like it implied that they need reading glasses, at least the touchy people of MY ACQUAINTANCE. But at $35 it's a good deal and maybe your relatives are less touchy than mine. (They're just touchy because they're old.)

Grade: Depends on your gift give-ees.

What is it?
An anti-tarnish box for silver jewelry.

Who is it for?
I'm sure you can figure it out.

What's wrong with it?
It's a bit dull. But it's $16.

Grade: B.

What is it?
Layered gourmet cookie mixes in jars. You know, the kind women's magazines are always suggesting you make to save you money on Christmas presents?

Who is it for?
"Hostess gifts" the magazine suggests. I think that it would suggest "Here I am! Make me cookies!". Of course, if I'm coming to your house, freshly-baked cookies WOULD be nice.

What's wrong with it?
YOU CAN MAKE THIS YOURSELF. VERY, VERY EASILY. But if you can't and you've always wanted to give a cookie mix in a jar, here is your big chance.

Grade: B.

Oh, thank goodness I'm done the "Good deal!" gift suggestions. That was killing me.

What is it?
It is a key locket and A FREAKING STEAL at $325.

Who is it for?
The wealthy AND sentimental.

What's wrong with it?
As an object, it is pretty enough. Of course, it's $325, and if you want to spend $325 on me, it had better not be on jewelry. But since everyone I know is a normal person and thus adversely affected by THE RECESSION, I have NO ONE in my life who COULD buy me a $325 locket. Poor me.

Grade: D.

What is it?
Fragonard Perfume

Who is it for?
Perfume is a very nice present - if you're a bit cash-y - but I would be VERY careful about surprising someone with a bottle of perfume that they've never smelled before. Perfume is a very individual thing and it's probably best to give this to someone who has asked for it.

What's wrong with it?
Probably nothing. It's probably a very nice perfume.

Grade: That depends. But don't go just randomly buying people perfume.

What is it?
Good grief. It is TEN notecards and envelopes for $45. Are you MADE OUT OF MONEY?

Who is it for?
It is for the very well-off to give each other as an amusing little very rich gift.

What's wrong with it?
If you are the Queen or very wealthy, then nothing. But what BOTHERS me about lists like this is that they subtly imply that only extravagant gifts are good enough - and that's not a message that most people NEED to hear these days, is it?
Grade: C.

What is it?
An extra-glamorous boa.

Who is it for?
Your aunt, the nun.

What's wrong with it?
I think it is VERY ugly. But maybe you think it's playful and fun. At $38, it's not unimaginably pricey, at least.

Grade: B-.

What is it?
A "handcrafted tote covered in leather roses (that) looks like a bouquet on your arm." It is also $585.

Who is it for?
I am buying this for a certain friend if I win one of those big payout lotteries. Otherwise: rich people.

What's wrong with it?
IT COSTS FIVE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS. Sheesh!

Grade: Once I win that lottery, my friend is gonna be a happy girl.

What is it?
Blood-orange - the goriest of the fruits! - scented soap, lip balm and hand cream.

Who is this for?
It's PRETTY enough and I can imagine a lot of women liking it.

What's wrong with it?
"Make It A Threesome" said the chipper heading on it. I am not kidding. And then I threw up. I might be kidding about that, but still. Tasteless, Oprah.

Grade: B+ for the actual thing itself and a scowl for a GIFT GUIDE in a women's magazine that I now will not let my ten year old child read.

What is it?
Monogrammed and hideous playing cards.

Who is this for?
People who want to play cards AND BE HYPNOTIZED BY THEIR HYPNOTIC PATTERNS at the same time.

What's wrong with it?
They're ugly AND they cost $55. Fifty five dollars! For two decks of cards! Good grief!

Grade: F.

What is it?
Tagua nut polished bead necklaces

Who is this for?
Not me. I hate big clunky necklaces.

What's wrong with it?
It's $55. Other than that, make sure that your recipient is a fan of the big clunky necklace.

Grade: Uhh, a B minus?

What is it?
Watches printed with pieces of very famous paintings.

Who is this for?
Someone who wants to look at The Kiss everytime they check the time.

What's wrong with it?
I have strong negative feelings about novelty watches, but they're not universally held, apparently.

Grade: C.

What is it?
Cuff bracelets made from semi-precious stones and BUFFALO BONE. BUFFALO BONE? REALLY?

Who is this for?
People who like wearing animal bones on their wrists. Scary, scary people.

What's wrong with it?
Um. Is there something uniquely fashionable about buffalo bones that I don't know about? What makes a buffalo's bones more worth $49 than, let's say, Elsie The Milk Cow's bones?

Grade: A rather-grossed out D.

What is it?
A lightweight and brightly coloured high definition TV.

Who is this for?/What's Wrong With It?
I could be snarky about the kind of people who get and give tvs for presents, but in all honestly, when our tv died, my mother-in-law gave us a new one for Christmas. And that? WAS AWESOME. Maybe this year we'll get this one!

Grade: Gimme!

What is it?
A hamper of "the world's best foods."

Who is it for?
I think I see some soft cheeses in there, so not anyone pregnant.

What's wrong with it?
Oh, I like food. Hampers of classy foodstuffs? That's awesome.

Grade: A.

What is it?
Clinique's High Shade To Go Collection

Who is it for?
Makeup wearing lady types.

What's wrong with it?
I've written this before and I'll doubtlessly live to write it again - the problem with big sets of lip gloss or lipsticks or eye shadows or WHATEVER is that there are four useable colours and then a bunch of crap in stupid colours that no one will ever, ever wear. The colours in this set look fairly okay, but it's still risky.

Grade: B-

What is it?
"Sorbet hued" satin pajamas. (edited to add: Whoops! they're not satin, they're sateen.)

Who is it for?
Not ME. I hate satin pajamas - it combines the best of being chilled and being slippery enough to fall out of bed ALL NIGHT! But maybe you live someplace warm and sleep on a lower bed than I do. You may have them. They're pretty, at least.

What's wrong with it?
This may actually be more of a "What's wrong with ME?" sort of thing. Why am I so easily chilled? Why do I fall out of bed so much? Why is this freaking list so long?

Grade: A nice present for someone who is not me and who probably lives someplace warm. An A for them.

What is it?
Candy Basket Gel Squares

Who is it for?
People who like candy.

What's wrong with it?
A nice candy, affordable - $6 for 15! - so not much. What, you thought I hated EVERYTHING?

Grade: A.

What is it?
Oh my gosh. A pretty enough necklace made of cheery coloured baubles and A GIANT PURPLE RIBBON.

Who is it for?/What's wrong with it?
If the necklace DIDN'T have the big purple ribbon, I can imagine a LOT of women liking it. As it is, though, I would only give it to the extremely whimsical.

Grade: C.

What is it?
Little dressy clutches.

Who is it for?
Women who need a dressy clutch.

What's wrong with it?
According to the magazine, these are a BARGAIN. They look expensive, but they only cost $113!
IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH: ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN DOLLARS IS STILL A LOT OF MONEY.

Grade: D for duh.

What is it?
Ornate resin cuffs crowned with huge gaudy crystal thingys.

Who is it for?
People who like giant jewelry.

What's wrong with it?
Unless someone specifically asks for this, I would be cautious of giving it - it's $96 and that's rather a lot of money to spend on "distinctive" jewelry.

Grade: B.

What is it?
Chanel No. 5 Bath Oil

Who Is It For?
I really wish I hadn't started this catergory. Who do you THINK wants perfumed bath oil?

What's wrong with it?
Well, it's $75. And we're in the middle of a recession. Now, maybe this is what you want for Christmas more than anything in the whole world, but most people I know would be happier with a bottle of perfume than a bottle of bath oil - more bang for your buck. And while it's still a very nice thing, I must point out that a bottle of Mr. Bubble is quite nice, too, and doesn't cost nearly a hundred dollars.

Grade: C.

What is it?

It is a plush giraffe coat for a baby.

What's wrong with it?
(see how I just skipped over the whole Who Is This For? thing. Yeah. Tired of that now.) It's a $45 coat that looks like a giraffe. It's cute enough, I guess, and there's nothing really wrong with it.
Grade: B, I guess.

What Is It?
It is nut pie or cake or something like that.
Who is it for?
Nut pie lovers.
What's wrong with it?
Nut allergies are SO common these days that I would be seriously leery of sending someone a nut-based baked good. And also? Nuts are yucky. Bleh. There's nothing that ruins a nice piece of baking like a bunch of gritty nuts thrown in there like gravel.
Grade: C

What is it?
It is an "Art Deco minaudiere". What the heck is THAT?
Who is it for?
I can at least make out that it's for girly make-up loving women.
What's wrong with it?
Well, it has a pretensious name. I mean, REALLY. It's a compact that holds body powder and eye shadow. Does slapping a French name on it really make it worth $98?

Grade: How do I say D in French?

And that's it!

This year's list was a doozy. My FAVORITE thing was the buffalo bone bracelet - I feel sort of gaggy just thinking about it! Awesome!

Sharpening My Sarcasm Skills

2009-11-13T07:02:00.002-05:00

Still no Oprah list! But CA Quincy sent me this AWESOME list of 9 Extravagant Holiday Gifts, and it needs to be examined.

This is from Neiman Marcus and is, admittedly, a fantasy list. I don't know WHO has these gaudy, over-the-top fantasies - Bernie Madoff? Donald Trump? Who WANTS these things?

Check this out - number one is A CUPCAKE CAR. It comes, the piece says cheerily, with a matching hat! And for $25,000, it had damn well better. It's a cupcake! And a car (actually, a go-kart)! And it costs TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

I have nothing to add to this.

Number two. ICON A5 Sports Aircraft and Pilot Training For Two. $250,000.
One of my friends always does REALLY well on those gruesome celebrity death pools. His secret, he confided in me once, was to always add at least one famous person who pilots light aircraft. It's a sure thing!
Your word of the day is "hubris." As in "The hubris of the wealthy who think that their ability to make lots of money will enable them to also fly airplanes translates into lots of plane crashes to clean up."

Number three. Algonquin Round Table Experience.
Are they going to conjure up the ghosts of Dorothy Parker and Robert Benchley to say witty afterlife things to you? No, apparently for $200,000, you can hang out at the Algonquin Hotel with Nora Ephron and John Lithgow while they say witty things. And for $200,000, I would expect some EXTREME WITTICISMS. The proceeds go to First Book, which gives books to poor kids, and so I dunno. I guess I have less of a problem with this than with the moronic cupcake car. I mean, I guess if some rich person wants to pay $200,000 to hang out with some modern-day smart-asses, why not? It's probably better for society that they spend their money instead of swimming around in it like Scrooge McDuck. And yet.

Number four. Sustainable Design Art Chandelier.
It's a five foot long chandelier made of recycled plastic soda bottles and it's a pretty, pretty thing. And it costs $12,000.
...
There's a serious difference between the VALUE of what is being offered here and how much it costs. I mean, come ON. It's a pop bottle chandelier.

Number five. The World's Fastest Electric Motorcyle. $73,000.
It has zero carbon emissions! It also "reaches 150 m.p.h. with 100 foot-pounds of instantaneous torque"! Well now. That's thoughtful of Richie Rich to kill himself in such a speedy and environmentally green way.

Number six. Hall Artisan Wine and Art Experience.
I am finding it rather strange that the suggested extravagant "experiences" strike me as so much less offensive than the elaborately over-priced and ridiculous gift suggestions. For $20,000, you and a friend - and for $20,000, it had better be one heck of a friend - can learn artisan winemaking, create your own personal bottle of "vino" - I'm quoting - and then have a gourmet dinner and spend the night at a nearby resort.

"Only true lovers of the finer things need apply," says the article. But never fear, people who truly love the finer things but who are on a tight budget! For a mere $3500, you can snap up a bottle of wine that's not available to the general public, a bottle of wine that mere proletariats can only dream of.

And yet I find this less offensive than the stupid cupcake car. I mean, it's still offensive. Just not as much.

Number seven. The 2010 Jaguar XJL Supercharged Neiman Marcus Edition.
It's a limited edition car that will set you back slightly over $100,000.

My extreme dislike of extravagance doesn't stem from some communist ideal that no one should make more than $20,000 a year and that we all should drive clunky communist cars (probably LADAs. Remember LADAs? I was in a bad car accident in one. That was scary.) when we're not being forced to take public transit. No, it has to do with the utter pointless wasteful stupidity of so much of what is offered up to the wealthy, the faux luxury and the decadent idiocy - but an expensive car offers both luxury and social status and an enjoyable ride AND employs many people, so be my guest, wealthy people: buy expensive cars. I do not care.

I do not have a problem with people making lots of money. I wish I could, frankly. And I do not have a problem with extravagance, as long as it's not STUPID. A $25,000 cupcake car? That's dumb. A $12,000 chandlier made from pop bottles? How inspirational that a person with such questionable judgement could also accumulate wealth! A beautifully-made actual car? Not stupid. I mean, don't buy one if you don't want one, but it's better if the wealthy SPEND their cash, right? Right.

Number eight. Maker's Mark Master Distiller Experience.
What a funny time we're living in - would previous generations have spent $7500 to be taken around the Maker's Mark distillery? My favorite part of this is that two bottles will be etched with your wealthy likeness and then DIPPED IN GOLD WAX.

I want a gold version of my head! That would be AWESOME!

And then you get to have some whiskey and a gourmet dinner with the head of Maker's Mark.

It's funny how this article is making me put things into a whole new perspective: had you mentioned to me earlier that for $7500, I could tour a whiskey factory, get a gold bottle OF MY HEAD and then have supper with the boss, I would have started shrieking about the French Revolution and firing up the guillotine and now, contrasted with the $73,000 motorcycle and $200,000 to hang out where famous funny people hung out nearly a hundred years ago? Well. It seems practically reasonable NOW.

Number nine and sadly the end. Insect Lab Specimen Artwork.
An artist collects bugs, adds clockwork parts and then charges $8500 for them. The price makes me blink but as a thing itself? It's kind of neato. Still. Who wants to pay $8500 for a mechanical dead bug? If you do, here's your chance.

That was quite a list. I feel all dazzled and bemused right now, like there is this whole magical world of the very wealthy who drive their cupcake cars - with matching hats! - to secret wine factories where mechanized dead bugs caper for their amusement. I never knew and now I do. It's the magic of Christmas! And insane spending by the insanely wealthy!

Remembrance Day

2009-11-11T14:58:00.003-05:00

I went to the Remembrance Day services in town with my younger two kids and my dad and saw my oldest child arrive with her school choir to sing an off-key song to peace and then we watched dozens of wreaths be placed on the base of the cenotaph while slowly freezing.

There were chairs arranged for the elderly and those who couldn't stand up for long, but very few were taken. Everyone else was able-bodied and young, including the very very old men in uniforms who stood up for over an hour in the cold and watched, red-eyed, as the man who owns the gas station and the man who owns the crematorium and the great-grandchildren of veterans laid wreaths. Then they read off the list of the veterans who have died in the past year and we sang God Save the Queen and prayed for peace and meanwhile two young men who went to my small high school have died in Afghanistan in the past two years.

It was cold out. My kids were antsy. My oldest child was across the lawn with her school choir and occasionally I'd catch glimpses of her, which felt amusingly poignant. I made a point of going over to say goodbye to her (since she'd minded last year when I didn't) and her choir teacher told me that she was leaving her with me, because there was doughnuts inside and my Girl needs fattening. The Boy lost his poppy and The Baby spilled her hot chocolate and we all ate doughnuts (not The Girl, though - she hates doughnuts) and a friend's three dark-haired children sat with us while their parents visited with people and as I stood up to go, a long grey-bearded man asked me, his eyes big, if I really had six children.

I walked right by the framed picture of my now-dead cousin, cocky in his WWII uniform, standing with the group of young men who went over from this town, more young men then this town would ever make again. Groups of old men were standing outside the Legion's doors as we left, talking in their navy blazers, leaning on their canes and their walkers and their palsied old hands. "Goodbye, young fella," one of them called to The Boy, and my cousin smiled from the wall, keeping his secrets forever now - and the remaining old men laughed and the street was littered with poppies and pins, forgotten already.

Christmas Magazine List Reviews!

2009-11-09T07:58:00.002-05:00

Just because I'm tired of seeing that sad, worried post on the top of my page.

Here's the second gift list to come to my attention - no, NOT Ontario Cattlemen's possible list, sadly, but a sensible list from that sensible publication, Family Circle (the November 29th issue, in fact).

I don't know if you've ever read Family Circle, but it's generally sold at supermarket check-outs and is a pleasant, low-priced magazine aimed at women in their mid-30s to 50s, I would say. It's seen as being a bit low-brow, possibly, but I think that's a bit unfair - it has good recipes and informative articles, and is nice to read when you're waiting in your doctor's office with your four year old this afternoon, possibly.

And here is there gift suggestion list, probably the first of many from them - this article was called "Double Gifting" and featured gifts sold in support of charities. This can be a dubious landmine of icky presents, shoddily made things that one must pretend to like in the name of social justice - but I think they actually did a nice job of finding beautiful little things.

1) Turkish Ceramic Keepsake Bowl
I can't find it on the site, but it's a lovely little thing and costs $6.95. Proceeds support the Hunger Site's work.

Grade: A+. It's pretty and affordable and it's a good cause.

2) A hand-woven olive-and-eucalyptus-Branch wreath with proceeds going towards Meals on Wheels.

Grade: B. Wreaths are one of those things that I feel like I should like more than I do. Still - they sound nice enough and who doesn't like Meals on Wheels?

3) Mo Smells The Holidays - a scratch and sniff book about a dog, with proceeds going towards the Best Friends Animal Society. $17.95.

Grade: B+. It sounds like a nice book and it's a pleasant cause and there are lots and lots of dog lovers in this world who are not me.

4) Starbucks (Red) Travel Mug. It costs $15.95 and they give a dollar to the Global Fund, which helps fight HIV/AIDS, TB and malaria.

Grade: High enough, I guess. It's one of those things that's good for a large number of people on your list - co-workers, mainly - where you want to give them a reasonably impersonal but pleasant gift that also doesn't cost a zillion bucks. There you go. Give them a red travel mug.

5) A wallet made from recycled mountain bike inner tubes, with 20-40% of the $26 price going towards the charity of your choice.

Grade: C. Because it's a bike tube wallet. But there are actually TONS of charities on the page and MANY better gift options, so it's worth poking around.

6) One of those challenging chunky beaded necklaces that I never see people wearing in real life. It's made by the San Jorge Cooperative, which is a fair trade women's group and now I feel guilty for implying that the necklace is kind of ugly.

Grade: It's only $35, so if someone you know likes "challenging" necklaces, it's the perfect match!

7) Lush Cosmetics' Charity Pot Hand and Body Lotion. 100% of the proceeds go towards a variety of Lush-esque charities. It costs $20.95.

Grade: I do not like Lush's products, although this is a personal thing - I find them too highly scented, for one, and for another, I find them overpriced. Maybe you love them. And maybe you love all of the charities they support - and most of them (protecting a threatened local forest! service animals! camps for kids with cancer!) are things that most people would agree with. Others, however, are more contentious, so be careful before you purchase.

8) Marshmallow Fudge Snowman Tube Hot Chocolate - 100% of the proceeds goes towards St. Jude Children's Research Hospital's research in pediatric cancer.

Grade: A+! It's ADORABLE! It's $6 or 2 for $10 and I can think of TONS of people on my list where this would be exactly the right size and sort of gift. It's also sadly out of stock. Dang.

9) iPopperz earbuds. Headphones with 14% of the proceeds benefiting Save The Music. $14.95.

Grade: Mm, B+? They're cute and it's a nice cause. I couldn't find the ones listed, but I did find a set supporting young breast cancer survivors.

10) Acai Bead Bracelet. 100% of the $10 price goes towards preserving the rainforest.

Grade: B+. A good cause and it's a pretty little thing. I can't find it on the website, though. Maybe you can.

There. Wasn't that a nice list? Everything was affordable and nothing was STUPID, which is always good and there were a few things on it that I could actually imagine giving to people. So far, Family Circle magazine is winning.

To Answer Some Of Your Questions

2009-11-06T10:05:00.002-05:00

1) How is The Baby feeling today after her horrible experience on Wednesday?

Completely back to normal. She's running around, cutting up every piece of paper she can find and screaming at Dora. "JUST GO TO THE VOLCANO ALREADY, DORA! STOP TALKING TO THE CAMERA!"

2) What do we do if - God forbid - it happens again?

We lay her down flat and on her side RIGHT AWAY and she should start regaining consciousness and turning a normal colour immediately. We also call 911. I plan on also doing a lot of hysterical sobbing. The situation seems to warrant it.

3) Is this something that happened because of a pre-existing condition?

Apparently, although I'm not totally sure. She has some appointments coming up. I googled around a little bit and then stopped because No Good Comes Of That.

4) What was she saying to the nurse?

I think the nurse was asking her how she was feeling and she was answering.

5) What did I do while all of this was happening?

I was totally losing my head, of course. My mother told me that I was yelling "DO SOMETHING!" which seems pretty reasonable. A nurse actually came over to get me calmed down. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. They made me drink a juice in the ambulance, because I think I looked like I was going to pass out. As one would.

6) Are we sure it wasn't the vaccine?

It wasn't.

It is possible to have an allergic reaction to vaccinations, of COURSE, but this isn't what happened. It was more like the pain from the shot + the pain from the fall + watching her sister freak out triggered a shut-down switch in her body. Apparently this is a pretty common condition - although her reaction was extreme, let me be clear - and it can be triggered by any number of things, as reading the comments to my post will show.

7) How am I doing?

I am all right NOW. I spent most of yesterday crying but today I feel a lot more like myself. The Baby has had enough of being fussed over - "STOP hugging me and crying every time I go by!" she said to me. "Hug (the Boy) and cry for a change! GEEEZ."

And now - I HOPE - we will resume our regular blogging.

My poor baby.

2009-11-05T10:24:00.001-05:00

She is okay today, but my baby had a really rough day yesterday. Hey, so did I. I wrote about it at length at 5 Minutes for Parenting.

November

2009-11-04T12:01:00.002-05:00

We had some nasty wet flurries a few minutes ago - the kids and I dashed outside because that first snowfall is pretty magical, even if snow itself is a chilly misery, but we rapidly dashed back inside because we were instantly soaked. Now I am cold.

By the standards of northern Ontario, my house is very old - it was built in 1900 or thereabouts, and it looks a bit like a cartoon of a haunted house, so I have been asked by a surprising number of people if it is haunted. Um, no? Scratch your average, reasonably rational looking person and we're all Medieval peasants underneath, with ghosts and witches and dank dark thoughts. Me too, of course - in fact, I am leading that parade, complete with pitchfork and lit torch.

Which is to say that although my house is not haunted, I know LOTS of ghost stories.

My grandmother, in her long and eventful life, was living outside of Chicago with her second husband and he was behind the house chopping firewood, I think, and she was in the kitchen doing dishes and she heard a familiar whistling and a familiar walk and someone rapped on her screen door with a cane and there was her father. Who had died the winter before.

"Tootie!" he said. "Get back home. Your mother needs you."

Her second husband - my grandfather - came walking around the house with a strange look on his face. "I just heard your father," he said.

So my grandmother flew back to northern Ontario, or took the train or drove - I don't know how she got back and there's no one I can ask - but she got home and her mother was a weeping nervous wreck because the local boys were howling beneath her windows at night, yelling her husband's name and phoning her at all hours and so my grandmother - who was a formidable woman - put a stop to it, of course.

When I was a child and my grandmother would tell me this story, I would think with shivery pleasure of being the Interesting Person who was visited by the ghost. And then I got older and learned a bit more about loss and yearning and the idea of standing at my sink on a warm summer evening and hearing someone familiar and who could never come back walking up my front path... well.

And now I have been married for years and years and I think about the miserable bereaved widow, old and alone and frightened, and I think about the gravestone a few miles from where I am right now. I think about the heavy feet walking on a sidewalk outside of Chicago, the cane sharply hitting the door, the voice telling my grandmother - now gone, herself, now never to come back - to go home, to help her mother.

And that makes me think of my own husband, quiet, hard-working, bemused.

Love me that much, I think.

Never leave me.

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year (Almost)

2009-11-02T06:56:00.003-05:00

No, it's NOT Oprah-list time. Can't you barely wait? I can barely wait.

For those of you who've only been reading me for a short while: every year, for the past three years I've reviewed - rather sarcastically - ALL of Oprah's magazine holiday gift list. Sharkskin bangles! 200 packs of lipsticks! Pet-watching cameras so you can spy on your lil' snuggums while you're supposed to be working! It's my favorite, favorite couple of posts of the year and I have several more weeks of waiting before the December issue of O comes out.

Other magazines, it occurs to me, DO have gift guides. Even my dad's Ontario Cattlemen magazine probably has a gift guide. (does it? I will have to ask him to check for me.) And it occurs to me that I could while away the time waiting for Oprah's list by writing about other magazines gift lists - probably they won't feature as many $75 brownies, New Age-y Everything You Do Is Fine self help books, or luridly coloured men's cashmere socks but not everything in life can be beer and skittles and other lists also have their subtly hilarious charms. And hey, it might even be helpful.

The very first gift list to come to my attention: The Family Fun Toy Of The Year Awards.
(important and totally unsolicited aside: Family Fun magazine is my favorite magazine ever. I have subscribed to it for 10 and a half years. We do crafts and recipes from every issue. It is GOLD.)

1) Invasion of the Bristlebots - Klutz Press
I find Klutz books irresistible - so incredibly action-packed! so clever! - that I always grab one or two for every gift-giving holiday. Seriously, you should see how many of them we have. I find this book a little bit dubious, though - robot toothbrush heads? Really?

Grade - B+. My middle kid thinks this looks like a lot of fun so maybe I'm just too old and too non-mad-scientist-y to get it.

2) Playmobil Ancient Egyptian Pyramid
ALL three of my kids screamed "BUY US THAT!" when they saw it.

Grade - A-. It looks FANTASTIC but it's also on the pricey side, sadly. If you have a big chunk of money and a houseful of little history dorks, this would be PERFECT.

3) Recycling Truck
See, it's a recycling truck and it's made from recycled plastic and you can pretend to sort recycling in it! Zzzzz.
Okay, a lot of little boys love big clunky trucks but this one is sort of ugly and too-virtuous looking. But maybe you have a kid on your list who is obsessed with the recycling truck. It might happen.

Grade - C+

4) RipRider 360
A three-wheeled low-riding bike thing that spins kids around in wild, super-fast circles.
Plus: WHEEEEEEEE!
Minus: I live in a place where there is guaranteed to be SNOW for months and months after Christmas. Where's the kid supposed to play with this thing? Also, it's not cheap. But whoo, it looks like fun.

Grade - B. Higher if you live someplace where the kid can USE it on Christmas morning.

5) LEGO Feeding Zoo
This looks like a LOT of fun. But it also costs $50, which puts it out of the running for a lot of families I know and because it's from the Duplo line, most kids will only play with it for a year or two.

Grade - B because it's expensive.

6) Hot Wheels Color Shifters
Little cars that change colour when they're dipped in cold water. Hey, that's fun! And they're also $3 for 2 - so I know a certain young man who'll be getting these.

Grade - A+.

7) Build It Bigger
It's a building set. I dismissed it when I saw the picture in the magazine - it looked clunky and kind of goofy - but when I read the text, I was surprised to read that it's a HUGE building set. Kids can build things nearly as big as themselves, apparently.

Here's the thing, though - be VERY careful before buying kids who are not your own BIG toys. Check with their parents and make sure that they have SPACE for them, because big toys take up space that most households don't have. Still, it's a neat idea even if it's kind of ugly.

Grade - B for Be Careful.

8) BFC Ink Large Dolls
Pretty, American Girl-sized dolls for half the money. They're all right.

Grade - B.

9) Sandwich Stacking Game
A fairly insane-sounding game that involves velcro gloves and sandwich ingredients.

Grade - This sounds like a black eye waiting to happen. C for us.

10) Pool Sharks
A little pool table with shark-shaped... pool cue gun things.
We watched Pinocchio last night, and I was amused by how one of the wicked things on Pleasure Island was a POOL HALL. It used to be really disreputable and now wholesome family magazines recommend wee child-sized versions.
It looks fun enough, but I can say with some assurance that my kids would lose every single piece of this within minutes of opening it.

Grade - C for me tripping on one of the wee pool balls.

11) Handy Manny's Repair Shop
It's a tool bench with Handy Manny's head and torso on it, which is unfortunate, because that shortens the life expectancy of it by quite a bit. Kids outgrow preschool-show toys REALLY fast, rejecting them quickly once they turn five or six and start wanting to seem more like a gradeschool child. Pretend pieces like this are a lot of fun, but it's best to buy them without any potentially-babyish characters on them and then kids will cheerfully keep using them as pretend props for years to come. Also - whoa, it's $100.

Grade - D. A tool bench is a fun toy for the right kid, though.

12) Playmobil Bunny Treehouse
This looks fantastic but ARGH! It's been discontinued!

13) Crayola Color Me A Song
It's a... "drawing and music creation station." Which means that as your child colours, the plastic board will play music to match their pace. Oh, that doesn't sound irritating at ALL.

Grade - Are you a four year old who likes to colour? Probably an A. Are you a parent with functioning ears? D-.

14) Leapfrog Scribble and Write
"The Toy That Teaches Penmanship". Oh boy! Penmanship! A good gift if you are, for example, a stern, humourless grandmother.

Grade - C+. Penmanship is an important skill.

15) Curious George Discovery Beach Game
It looks fun AND it's affordable AND it doesn't look like the game itself would take very long to play. A winner!

Grade - A.

16) Play-Doh Burger Builder
My kids LOVE those Play-Doh sets. They ADORE them. They BREAK them quickly. But they're fun and inexpensive so heck, I'm giving this an A+.

17) Little Tikes Easy Score Hockey, Soccer and Lacrosse Set
Good for the mini-jock. But the same caveats apply as 4) and 7) - do you live someplace where the kids can play with this outside when they get it OR do they have a large enough indoor playing area AND storage for this jumbo toy?

Grade - C, higher if you can say yes to both questions.

18) K'Nex Dinosaurs 20+ Model Building Set
Inexpensive AND K'Nex is fun if you're a kid who likes building sets. I suspect my fella will be getting this for Christmas but DO NOT TELL HIM.

Grade - A if you're building-set-loving-seven-year-old.

19) So Small Pets Theme Sets and Play Sets
Both of my daughters - the four year old AND the ten year old - went "AWWWWWW!" when they saw this, and at $15-20, it's pretty reasonable. This sort of toy is best for a careful, slightly older child who likes keeping track of lots of small pieces.

Grade - A.

20) EyeClops Mini Projector
Well, that sounds fun - it plugs into a DVD or MP3 player and projects movie images onto a blank wall. It's $100 and I have no idea how sturdy it is -does anyone know?

21) Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Cafe
It's a big strawberry! And Strawberry Shortcake operates a bakery in it! My four year old wants this SO MUCH! I, however, am dubious - I think it looks breakable and also like all of the millions of wee pieces would be scattered within seconds of opening. But it DOES look sort of cute, so I'm ambivalent.

Grade - B+, I guess.

22) Harumika Designer Dress Form Set
2 little dressmaker dummies that you can design dresses on. I don't think this looks like any fun at ALL but it might be a great gift for the right kid.

Grade - I dunno.

23) Winds of Fortune Board Game
Hey, that's neat - a little water-filled game board with a sailboat, Tiki statues, bags of gems - it sounds like a great game for a game-loving family

Grade - A+ if the family in question loves games.

24) DodgeTag
Dodgeball and tag, eh? There are velcro-covered bibs and soft balls and my kids would HURT each other playing this. But maybe your children are more civilized. Your call. (and again - this would require a large outdoor space OR a big indoor playroom. Be warned.)

Grade - C+.

25) Tyco R/C Stunt Pscyho
Meh. An all-terrain remote control ugly car thingy. It's $50 and my kid always gets tired of remote controlled cars REALLY quickly.

Grade - C.

26) Lego Aerial Defense Unit
My seven year old son thinks this is the coolest thing he has ever seen. He is what you would call "Lego's target market."

Grade - B- because it's $80. Geez, Lego.

27) MythBusters Weird World Of Water
My kids LOVE MythBusters. My kids LOVE science kits. This, however, looks like a fairly run-of-the-mill bottle rocket kit. It says that it comes with a few more experiments, but it still seems pretty standard. It's not expensive, though.

Grade - B.

28) TV Games Motion: Star Wars Flight Game
One of those plug-in-to-the-tv games. It's $30, so it's not bad price-wise, but I still wouldn't be terribly delighted if someone gave my kid this. My husband thinks it looks like fun, so we are a house divided on this.

Grade - In the interests of Marital Harmony, I am giving it a B.

29) Connect 4x4
It's Connect 4, that game where you drop little discs in rows. But now it's got a double-sided grid and more players and did I mention that I hate Connect 4 in the first place? Do NOT buy me this. Shudder.

Grade - your call.

30) Klutz Fuzzimal Puppies
A book/kit that makes five fuzzy, doofy looking toy dogs and some accessories - perfectly aimed at the early tween girls.
Grade - A.

So that's it.

It wasn't as unintentionally hilarious as the Oprah list - for the most part, it was a sensible list of actually fun-sounding toys. Sigh. Maybe the next magazine will be more ridiculous. Maybe. Ontario Cattlemen Magazine, you're my only hope.

Halloween, Finally

2009-10-31T10:19:00.003-04:00

It Was A Dark and Scary Afternoon

My dog thinks he is a WWI flying ace, I told my mother. She sighed and stared out the kitchen window and told me to go play outside.

"But it's dark out today," I said. "And there's that weird buzzing noise."

"Just go outside, please," she said and so I go.

I hate playing outside. The other kids avoid me, run from me laughing and shouting insults. I stand alone, the shadow of my head making a perfect circle on the ground.

"I'm having a party," catcalls Violet. "We are having snacks and pop and fun party games and you are not invited." All of the other girls - even my sister, my own golden haired sister - titter behind her, their eyes narrowed with malice. The dark skies crackled and the sun was hidden.

"Last one to the treehouse has to kiss him!" calls one of the girls and they all turn and run, shrieking, their feet throwing up gravel. My dog and a small yellow bird watch me silently as I walk by and as I pass I swear they laughed.

There is a boy on our street I sometimes spend time with.

He used to be the Sunday School champion, able to memorize each week's verse, coming home each week with gold stars and roles in the church play. But lately he's been spending all his time alone, muttering to himself and dragging his filthy blanket behind him.

"See that star?" he says, pointing upwards. There, in the mid-afternoon sky, is a falling star.
"The name of that star is Wormwood," he says.

A bird flies overhead. "Woe, woe," it cries.

The little girls cackle and laugh.

"And the four angels who had been kept ready for this very hour and day and month and year
were released to kill a third of mankind. The number of the mounted troops was two hundred million. I heard their number," he says.

Everything was quiet. Then a loud roaring sound filled the air and a great darkness began to descend. The little girls stopped throwing rocks at a cat and looked up, their eyes big. My dog moved his flying goggles off his eyes and clutched the yellow bird to him.

"During those days men will seek death, but will not find it; they will long to die, but death will elude them," cried out the boy.

I saw the flying star come crashing down in the nearby woods. Something huge stood up, throwing a giant shadow that blocked out the sun. The other boy covered his head with his blanket, shaking.

Halloween #12

2009-10-30T09:28:00.001-04:00

True story - we went to the doctor yesterday and were told that we are effectively quarantined until the fever is out of our house for 24 hours. Guess who woke up with a fever? Guess what day's tomorrow?

Trick or treat, us.

Halloween #11

2009-10-27T08:36:00.003-04:00

Are You There, God? It's Me, Maggot.

One morning, after a night of anxious dreams, Sheila Tubman awoke to find herself transformed into a monstrous bug. She lay on her squishy bug back and wiggled her tail around - her arms and legs having vanished painlessly during her sleep.

"What has happened to me?" she wondered. She looked around her room that she shared with her sister Libby. Libby was squeezing pimples while frowning at herself in the bedroom mirror.

"Libby! A little help here!" Sheila called out.

Libby grimaced at her. "You are SO immature!" she said and stomped out of the room.

Sheila sighed and attempted to roll off of her bed. Finally, she landed with a heavy thump on the carpet and lay panting on the floor for a few minutes.

"Sheila!" her mother's voice called. "It's ten past seven! Hurry up and come out for breakfast!"

"Coming, mom!" yelled Sheila. She was startled by her voice, which was her regular voice, interspersed with a series of loud crackling sounds. Well, that's weird, she thought. She discovered that she could move around quite quickly by squirming, so she squirmed down the apartment hallway and into the kitchen.

"Oh, that reminds me," Sheila's mother said. "You need to clean that room of yours up TONIGHT."

Sheila attempted to heave herself up onto her chair. "Um, mom?" she said. "Can I eat my breakfast down here this morning?" Her mother sighed and placed her cereal bowl on the floor.

"Sheila," said Libby. "Stop making that disgusting crackling sound. FATHER! Make her stop!"

Sheila's dad looked down at her.
"Sheila," he said, sternly. "Stop showing off."

Sheila was hurt. And then she was distracted by the full garbage can in the corner.

"Hey," she thought. "Yummy!"

Halloween #10

2009-10-26T08:58:00.005-04:00

That Time Of Day Between The Afternoon And Full-Out Evening.

"Darling," he said, the sunlight causing him to sparkle like a big shiny pair of gold lame leggings from Ardenes. He was as handsome as a Calvin Klein underpant billboard but totally hot and also in full colour and ALSO a vampire.

As always, she was thrilled to see him. And she was also wearing a white eyelet sundress, black high-tops, some colourful rubber bracelets, knee-length argyle socks, fingerless motorcycle gloves and a denim jacket that she'd carefully bedazzled to say "My Boyfriend Is A Hot Vampire." All that bedazzling had made her fingers bleed, but that was cool - he liked blood.

"Yeah," said some snarky inner voice, "Way more than he likes making out."

"SHUT UP!" she had told her inner voice. "Waiting is sexy. And cool. Those people who say that attractive male vampires are a metaphor for sexually unavailable gay men don't know what they're talking about!"

He was walking towards her now, striding like some He-God, coming to claim her, a plain mortal. His black cape flapped in the wind. His purple skin was luminous in the sunlight. His unibrow was like some holy caterpillar of manliness.

"One!" he cried. "ONE sexy girlfriend! MWAH HA HA!"

Thunder crackled. They embraced. Chastely.

New Post!

2009-10-22T22:02:00.002-04:00

My 5 Minutes Post is up. It's all about ghost stories. See you there, I hope!

Halloween #9

2009-10-21T18:36:00.003-04:00

He was a reasonably popular kid. He wore glasses and liked books but he was also on some sports teams and had a group of pleasant, reasonably well-behaved friends. He did his homework, rarely acted up in class and always wore the same yellow sweater. His teacher, Mr. Ratburn, had him pegged as a fairly typical 8 year old boy from a small-town middle class family and spent his energy on the handful of kids in class with behavioural problems - the rabbit kid with the eating and hygiene issues, the big kid with anger management problems, the rich girl who had been expelled from private school after private school until her despairing parents had finally placed her in the local public school.

Then one autumn day after class, the boy was standing nervously at his desk.
"Can I talk to you, Mr. Ratburn?" he asked.

Of course, the teacher said, not sure what he was about to hear. Was the boy having problems with math? Was that athletic, bullying girl sexually harassing him again?

"It's my... it's my sister," said the boy. "I'm afraid of her."

"Afraid of your sister?" asked Mr. Ratburn. "Isn't she only four?"

"Yeah," said the boy. "It sounds silly. But I am. I am really scared, Mr. Ratburn. She had a pet bird named Spanky. And he died and my mom and dad said that pets die sometimes. But I saw her putting window cleaner in his feeder earlier, and no one believes me."

"She smashed Grandma Thora's old doll, Clarissa. She said it was an accident, but I saw her swinging it by the heels into the sidewalk. And when she saw me looking, she said that I was next!"

"And the worst thing - you know that girl who is missing, Nadine? I saw her and my sister arguing earlier that day and my sister told me that Nadine was going to get it. Now no one can find her, and all my sister will say is that she was tired of her."

"I'm really scared!" the boy told the teacher, tears falling from his eyes.

"Don't worry," the teacher said. "I'll go talk with your parents tonight and we'll see if we can get everything all straightened out." The boy sniffled and wiped his nose and nodded. Mr. Ratburn watched out the window as he headed out by himself down the sidewalk, past the empty teacher's parking lot. Just a small boy in a yellow sweater, his shoulders hunched, walking home in the startling darkness of a heavy rainstorm.

Mr. Ratburn sighed. This probably would mean he would miss his online puppetry discussion group, but the boy had seemed really distressed. He started packing up the children's history projects - the rabbit's was covered in filthy fingerprints and had something foul smelling on the first page - when he suddenly became aware that he was not alone in the building. What had he just heard?

It was nothing, he told himself sternly. Then the sound happened again, an unmistakable sound - a door locking. Then a child running down a hallway in heavy-soled shoes. He felt a brief thrill of fear, and then reminded himself that it was a school, that children frequently came back to pick up forgotten shoes, coats, homework -

- The lights went out. Someplace, a small child giggled. He walked quickly to the door and realized that it was locked, that he could not open it. The fire alarm went off and the smell of smoke immediately hit him. He ran to the windows, knowing that they were painted shut, knowing that they were practically unbreakable, thanks to concerns about vandalism. As the smoke poured in and he desperately pounded - unseen - at the windows, he thought he saw a small girl running away through the rain.

Today's Halloween Post IS Coming!

2009-10-21T13:29:00.001-04:00

Just a bit later. I'm running around a lot today.
In the meantime, I wrote a review of Her Fearful Symmetry.

Halloween #8

2009-10-20T12:15:00.006-04:00

The Hundred Acre Woods Is Heaven
(with deep and slightly heartfelt apologies to Ray Bradbury)

Christopher Robin - Chris to his friends - got to his feet and felt the wincing sore spot on his head. He was standing in a wooded area, and felt almost at once a startling rush of deja-vu. Where was he? Why did this place feel so familiar? Where had his friends gone?

"Peregrine! Jemima!" he called. But the sound merely echoed around him, and only a flying bird answered. "Phillipa?" he called again. There were no answers. I must have fallen farther than I thought, he said to himself, regretting listening to Jemima's teasing requests to explore the old forest on her father's estate, regretted his fumbling bravado that had resulted in his falling down that seemingly endless hole and ending up... here. Wherever here was.

He tentatively started walking forward. "There will be a path on the other side of this tree," he thought and indeed, there was one. He followed the path and found himself blinking in the startlingly bright sunlight of an open clearing.

"Christopher Robin!" a voice called. A handful of small animals were running towards him. They stood looking at him expectantly. He stood confused for a moment and then had a horrified rush of remembrance. Sh*t, he thought. They're my bloody stuffed animals.

For years - for 15 years , he had avoided thinking about them as much as possible, feeling an overwhelming shame when he recalled his childhood obsession with them, the elaborate fantasy games that had overwhelmed so much of his terrifyingly lonely early childhood. And yet here they were again and his head was throbbing with pain and he couldn't remember how to get back.

"Christopher Robin!" said the small yellow bear again. "You came back!"
What was his name? Chris thought desperately and then remembered - Pooh. The freaking bear's name was Pooh. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I came back. You're all... um, looking good. How have you all been?"

"Whoo hoo!" said the bright orange tiger. "We've been waiting for you, buddy boy! We've kept everything just the same!"

"Oh, that's great," said Chris, looking around for a path that led out of the forest. "Say. Any of you guys know the way out of here?" There was, he remembered, a path out of the forest, but for the life of him he could not remember quite where it was. If I could get in, he thought, I could get out, and he thought of Phillipa and her surely growing anxiety as he did not return. He looked back at the stuffed animals gathered around him and was startled to see their hurt faces.

"You don't want to be here, Christopher Robin?" asked the yellow bear. "You aren't happy to see us?"

"Oh no, no!" said Christopher hurriedly. "I'm delighted. Yes. So very pleased." The animals looked slightly mollified, and the yellow bear stepped forward, his paw raised.

"Let me show you around, Christopher!" he said. "We have so much to talk about!" Christopher nodded and let himself be led off. I can watch for the path out, he thought, with a feeling of rising panic. The bear chattered on, seemingly without restraint, although Christopher caught him - Pooh, what a name, he thought - watching him out of the corners of his eyes. If a stuffed animals eyes could have corners.

"Let's play Pooh Sticks!" said the bear, leading him to a small bridge.

"Pooh what?" said Chris, repulsed. The bear mutely picked up a stick and threw it over the bridge and looked pointedly back at him. "Oh. Um, okay," said Chris, and threw a stick over half-heartedly.

"Not in the mood for Pooh Sticks?" said the small bear. "All right, follow me! We have a giant party planned for your homecoming!" He took off down the path at a surprisingly quick rate, and led Chris up a small hill and down around a corner - how big was this forest? where was he? - and sitting at a long table under a spreading tree were nearly a dozen stuffed animals - the tiger from earlier, a kangaroo with a joey in her pocket, an owl, a small pink pig wearing a sweater, and others hopping around in their small chairs.

"Sit!" said one. Chris awkwardly sat in the small child's chair. "Wear your hat!" commanded another. Chris snapped the elastic string of the party hat under his chin. "Eat!" "Pour the tea!" "Speech! SPEECH!" Their voices were a cacophony.

"THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!" screamed Chris, his panic nearly unbearable. The animals all looked at him silently, rising to their feet.

"What was that, Christopher Robin?" said the yellow bear, his voice full of menace.

How could I have ever thought they were small? thought the young man as the animals crowded around him, blocking out the sun, and his last, desperate thought: Where DID the path out GO?

Halloween #7

2009-10-19T09:05:00.003-04:00

She is the strongest girl in the world.

At night, her names float in my head like wild songs: Comestibles. Delicatessa. Windowshade. Mackrelmint.

That house is empty, my mother says. Little girls are not allowed to live by themselves like that. Stop talking foolishness.

Her red hair stands out like fire. Her monkey chatters on her back.

You are too old to have imaginary friends, my mother says.

She rolls out cookies on the kitchen floor, has a treasure chest full of gold. Her father is a pirate king. She can lift her horse over her head, outrun a thousand policemen.

I'm afraid we are going to have to take you to the doctor, my mother says. The pastor visits and they have a hushed discussion behind a closed livingroom door.

She scratches at the kitchen window and grins in, her eyes sparkling with green.
I have two pistols, she says. One of them is for you.

Halloween #6

2009-10-17T12:56:00.004-04:00

"Rooby roo!" brayed the arthritic Great Dane, painfully hobbling into the brightly painted van.

"Good job!" said the bespectacled young woman, her brown page boy hanging in her face as she reached over to give the dog a biscuit. She offered one as well to the unkempt young man sitting beside the dog, but he shook his head and turned away to look out the window.

"We've got a really tricky mystery today, Scoob," said the blond young man, driving the van. "There's been a..." His voice broke. The red-haired young woman in the seat beside him sobbed loudly and blew her nose into a designer handkerchief.

"There's been some really mysterious hauntings at your vet's office!" said the young woman with a forced cheerfulness in her voice.

"Ruh-oh!" said the dog. "Rosts!"

"Yes!" said the young woman. "Ghosts."

The blond young man pulled the van into a parking space at the vet's office, but no one hurried to get out. The unkempt young man beside the dog still did not say anything, his shoulders shaking.

"Ghosts," the young woman said again and sighed, unbuckling her seatbelt and reaching across to the elderly Great Dane, who was staring out the window with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. The red haired girl blew her nose again.

Halloween 5#

2009-10-16T12:51:00.003-04:00

Once there had been a mother.

He remembered her, a bit - her breath that smelled like communion grape juice and cigarettes, her harsh laugh and her sudden rages, the way he was frightened and small and hiding underneath his bed, in his tent, under the slide at the playground, hiding from her giant hitting hands and her loud voice.

Ruby made her go away.

He didn't remember much of that night - nothing much more than Ruby giving him warm funny tasting milk at bedtime and then his sleepy awareness of raised yelling female voices and a sudden loud noise and then silence. Then he woke up the next morning to Ruby bright and extra cheerful and the kitchen extra clean and a new vegetable garden in the backyard.

He likes working in the garden. He likes putting his hands in the dirt, likes watering the fat jolly vegetables. Ruby smiles and brings him lemonade and they have picnics for lunch and sometimes he sits on the swing even though the swing is getting smaller and smaller all the time.

He keeps forgetting to ask Ruby about the shrinking swing. He forgets sometimes that Grandma went away a long time ago and finds himself standing in front of her house where strangers live now. He forgets that Mom went away, too, and hides under the piano bench, hides under the front steps, until Ruby lures him out with gummy worms and trips to the ice cream store.

"Ruby," says their neighbour Mrs. Huffington over the fence. "You're doing a wonderful job looking after him, but your whole life is passing you by."

He remembers that sometimes, the way he remembers the surprising bits of red in the kitchen, the loud sound, his mother's sharp breath and giant hurting hands. But then it's time for a picnic and the sun is bright and it's time to work in the garden again, their special garden where the vegetables come up so big and ripe.

In the Halloween spirit..

2009-10-15T12:09:00.001-04:00

... my Five Minutes post. It's about costumes and changes and adolescence. Hope you like it!

Halloween 4#

2009-10-13T13:08:00.004-04:00

"Class, today we're going to learn about the food chain," said Mr. Owl. Franklin and his friends took out their science books.
"Some animals are herbivores," said Mr. Owl. "They eat plants. Some animals are omnivores. They eat plants and other animals. And some animals are carnivores."

"I know!" said Snail, waving his appendage around. "Carnivores just eat other animals!"

"That's right, Snail," said Mr. Owl. "Some common carnivores are wolves, coyotes and foxes."

The recess bell rang. "Don't forget, kids!" called Mr. Owl. "We are having a math quiz after recess!" The kids dashed into the yard.

All except for Fox, who was sitting thoughtfully at his desk.

"Hey," said Fox out loud. "I'm a fox." And he slowly looked out at the yard full of rabbits and turtles and beavers. "I'm a fox," he said again. And with that, he walked out into the school yard.

Halloween #3

2009-10-09T14:44:00.005-04:00

The Trouble With Papa

It was a beautiful fall day in Bearville, but Sister wasn't out playing with the other kids. She had something on her mind.

"Mama," said Sister, "Why does Papa always wear the same overalls? Why does he always eat in the shed? How come Doctor Bear has been here so much this week?"

"Now, now, Sister," said Mama. "There is nothing for you to worry about. Have an oatmeal chewy caramel cookie and go play with Brother."

"Oh boy!" said Sister and happily ran to the park. Papa was thumping and yelling in the shed.

Brother and his friends were throwing a baseball around and having a friendly argument.

"I think zombies are a curse from God!" said Freddy, throwing the ball to Too Tall.

"Ha!" said Too Tall. "That's because you're stupid. Everyone knows that someone becomes a zombie when another zombie bites 'em."

"I think -" said Brother and stopped when he saw Sister coming. "Let's talk about something else now, boys!"

They played ball until suppertime, and then Brother and Sister walked back home together. Papa was still thumping and yelling in the shed.

"Papa sure is busy right now!" said Sister.

Brother looked sad. "Hey Sister!" he said. "Look at that neat cloud!"

That's funny, thought Sister. It was almost like Brother was changing the subject.

Doctor Bear was just getting into her car as the cubs got to their house.

"Is everything all right, Doctor Bear?" asked Brother.

"Everything is much the same, Brother," said Doctor Bear. "Remember what I said about helping Mama look after Sister."

"I don't need Brother to look after me!" said Sister. "I am almost eight years old. I can look after myself."

"Of course," said Doctor Bear, but she seemed distracted. "Goodbye, cubs. I'll be back tomorrow morning."

Mama called them in for supper. "Cubs," she said while they were sitting at the table. "Tomorrow, Papa and I are going away on a long... vacation. You are going to go stay with Gram and Gramps! Won't that be fun?"

Sister thought it did sound like fun, but she wondered where Mama and Papa where going. She wondered what Papa was making in the shed that was keeping him in there all the time. She wondered why he was thumping and yelling so much.

All of a sudden, Sister had a great big idea. After everyone was in bed, she would sneak out of the house and go see what Papa was making in the shed! It would be such a good surprise!