NobleJoker

Poetry of the Chalk Board

2009-06-16T22:29:00.001+10:00

via Fred Langa

Yes, they're silly, often sophomoric, and frequently crude. But I challenge anyone--- anyone--- to read through this list of "Some things Bart Simpson wrote on the blackboard at the start of each episode" without laughing at least once.

Garlic gum is not funny
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
A fire drill does not demand a fire
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
It's potato, not potatoe (a reference to Dan Quayle)
I will not trade pants with others
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners (written only on top line, with hatch marks “ “ on subsequent lines)
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off (written in Olde English font)
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not squeak chalk (squeaks the chalk while writing this)
I will finish what I sta (on one line; the rest is blank)
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
I will not fake rabies
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not spin the turtle
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and pointless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans (after the city of New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
Coffee is not for kids (each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
I will not eat things for money
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
I will not call the principal "spud head"
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell miracle cures
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will never win an Emmy (Seen in the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series," but wasn't nominated. The show had won "Best Animated Series" Emmys in the past.)
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not delightfully saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (in the 100th episode)
There are plenty of businesses like show business
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
I will not use abbrev.
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
I will not hang donuts on my person
I will remember to take my medication
I will not strut around like I own the place
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
Nerve gas is not a toy
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
The First Amendment does not cover burping
This is not a clue...or is it? (in the episode rumored to contain clues to the identity of Mr. Burns' shooter)
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it (in the episode where Mr. Burns’ shooter is revealed)
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
No one wants to hear from my armpits
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The boys room is not a water park
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I will only do this once a year
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not certified to remove asbestos
I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
I am not my long-lost twin
The truth is not out there
I am not licensed to do anything
I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
I no longer want my MTV
Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
I did not invent Irish dancing
I will not tease Fatty
There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
Shooting paintballs is not an art form
Pain is not the cleanser
Silly String is not a nasal spray
I was not told to do this
My butt does not deserve a website
I will not demand what I'm worth (a reference to the holdout of the cast for more money)
I will not mess with the opening credits (in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
I am not the new Dalai Lama
I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" (in the episode after the series finale of "Seinfeld")
I will not file frivolous lawsuits
No one cares what my definition of "is" is
I will not scream for ice cream
I am not a licensed hairstylist
"The President did it" is not an excuse (shown the day after President Clinton was impeached)
My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
Sherri does not "got back"
I will not do the Dirty Bird
No one wants to hear about my sciatica
Hillbillies are people too
Grammar is not a time of waste
It does not suck to be you
I cannot absolve sins
A trained ape could not teach gym
Loose teeth don't need my help
I have neither been there nor done that
I'm so very tired
Fridays are not "pants optional"
Pork is not a verb
I am not the last Don
I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
I won't not use no double negatives
I can't see dead people
I will not sell my kidney on eBay
I will not create art from dung
I will stop phoning it in
Class clown is not a paid position
Substitute teachers are not scabs
My suspension was not "mutual"
A belch is not an oral report
Dodgeball stops at the gym door
"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
I was not touched "there" by an angel
I am not here on a fartball scholarship
I will not dance on anyone's grave
I cannot hire a substitute student
I will not obey the voices in my head
I will not plant subliminal messagores
I will not surprise the incontinent
I am not the acting President (a reference to the 2000 Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode aired)
I was not the sixth Beatle
I will only provide a urine sample when asked
The nurse is not dealing
Science class should not end in tragedy
Network TV is not dead
I will not "let the dogs out"
I will not hide the teacher's medication
I will not publish the Principal's credit report
The hamster did not have "a full life"
I will not buy a Presidential pardon (a reference to President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations to his campaign)
"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap
I will not scare the Vice President (reference to Dick Cheney's hospitalization with a heart condition)
I will not flush evidence
Fire is not the cleanser
Genetics is not an excuse
Today is not Mothra's day (aired on Mother's Day, 2001)
I should not be twenty-one by now (Bart would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally)
Nobody reads these anymore
A burp in a jar is not a science project
Fun does not have a size
I am not Charlie Brown on acid
I do not have a cereal named after me (when this episode aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch)
I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers
The giving tree is not a chump
Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
Vampire is not a career choice
I will never lie about being cancelled again (a reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up." Groening later claimed he was "misquoted")
Fish do not like coffee
Milhouse did not test cootie positive
This school does not need a "regime change"
SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
I will not (Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe)
My pen is not a booger launcher
Sandwiches should not contain sand
Over forty & single is not funny
I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
Poking a dead raccoon is not research
Beer in a milk carton is not milk
A booger is not a bookmark
Does any kid still do this anymore?
I am not smarter than the President
Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual
I will not laminate dog doo
I will not flip the classroom upside down (classroom is upside-down while Bart writes)
I will not leak the plot of the movie
Je ne parle pas Français
Have a great summer, everyone
Frankincense is not a monster
Global warming did not eat my homework
I will not look up what teacher makes
Pearls are not oyster barf
I will not wait 20 years to make another movie
The Wall Street Journal is better than ever
I am not an FDIC-insured bank
There is no such thing as an iPoddy
The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens
Teacher did not pay too much for her condo
The art teacher is pregnant, not fat
This punishment is not medieval.
The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"

When the rescue ship comes, I'll tell 'em: You got mail!

2009-04-17T22:36:00.001+10:00

I would flag them down and go on board so I could check my email!

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

2009-04-14T14:55:00.001+10:00

My review

rating: 2 of 5 stars
Now I am a sarcastic bastard but wow this book lays it on thick
Basically a running gag that sarcastically mocks war in all it's futility

In and of it's time i.e. post world war II it was probably a masterpiece and spoke out in a way and on a topic that hadn't been heard before. 50 years later though I really didn't get much out of it

View all my reviews.

Ummm - pack of hyenas

2009-04-13T22:45:00.001+10:00

Not sure why the gorilla doesn't climb a tree but if it's on the ground the weight of numbers wins out I would say. bit gruesome though - I fast fwd these bits in the docos

Lyric Of The Day - “Teach your children well” – Teach Your Children – CSN

2009-04-07T14:01:00.001+10:00

Alex got a merit award today at school which made me think of this song :)

Lyric of the Day – Help! – The Beatles - Help

2009-03-30T15:19:00.001+11:00

In honour of the Dell tech support guy who spent 3 hours trying to fix a problem on my PC.

The Bad news is he couldnt fix it.
The good news is I had already tried just about everything he did so I wasn’t an idiot

The Beatles - Help

Robo Raptor this is Not

2009-03-03T23:17:00.001+11:00

How cool is this?

Life-size dinosaur puppets roam the halls of the LA Natural History Museum.
Making it officially the coolest museum ever!

Funny Dancing Russians

2009-02-18T17:43:00.001+11:00

I just thought this was funny and well timed with the song

Plus who doesn’t love old-school Run DMC?

Found at this awesome blog MagnetoBoldToo.com

Valentines is a crock

2009-02-18T17:33:00.001+11:00

I love my wife and I tell her every day (well I think I do, must be close. But I don’t really believe in Valentine’s day. It was invented by retailers I reckon. If you have to wait for that one day a year you are in trouble I reckon.

With that in mind here is some interesting Valentine’s day Card ideas

What's the Opposite of "Hallmark?"

from Fred Langa

The Washington Post asked its readers to write a Valentine's Day couplet with the most romantic first line and the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell'

Christmas Message 2008

2008-12-30T23:59:00.001+11:00

In case the embedded YouTube vid in the last post doesn’t work for you

Here is a link to download the video

Christmas Message 2008

2008-12-30T20:39:00.001+11:00

This is our Christmas video

If the video doesn’t pop up automatically you can see it on YouTube here

Christmas Message 2008

Ode to Poetry

2008-12-30T15:24:00.001+11:00

Thanks to a request from my sister I am having a lash at writing poetry. Never really done it before – not properly anyway. Last time I did it was probably the angst-ridden High School variety (like Julie suggested)

The poems have to be in specific styles. I really like the Haiku form and found that easy.

I posted on my fav forums to get some advice and got a few tips. The suggestion to flip the lines in the haiku was great – here it is:

SHINE IN THE DARKNESS
SLIDING UP THE MOON EXPLODES
INK BLACK WINTER NIGHT

Making the Iambic Pentameter is a bastard. Anybody can count the syllables but to get lines that make sense, tell a story and flow to a conclusion is difficult. I still don’t feel like it has rhythm but the meter is right. This is draft about #7 and counting

FOR THEY WHO FIND THIS SHORT ODE, PRINT SO SMALL
SHALL KNOW SO STARK THAT FATE LIVED ME THESE YEARS
AND SHARE WITH KIN MY LOVE FULL SEEN STAND TALL
MY LIFE, AND NOT JUST TIME PASSED SMALL END TEARS

I’ve got 2 more to write yet – will put them up here too

Christmas is made up of

2008-12-29T10:26:00.000+11:00

Christmas is made up of . . . discovering the charm of a Christmas tree farm.

Christmas Is Made Up Of... Diet cheating & overeating.

Christmas Is Made Up Of . . . Sharing recipes of homemade candies.

Christmas Is Made Up Of... Sentimental renditions of family traditions.

Christmas Is Made Up Of . . . Investigating who ate the whole Christmas plate.

Christmas Is Made Up Of . . . A white elephant gift for a spendthrift.

Christmas Is Made Up Of... Sharing a photo proving how kids grow.

Poetry from Rhymeo.com

How To Write A Press Release

2008-12-16T11:49:00.001+11:00

I don’t know exactly what this website is but it seems to be paid for by my/our tax dollars. There are some good tips on here about how to write a press release – a skill I need more regularly between Entertainers and Apex and the Bank and …. :)

Xmas is here

2008-12-07T23:23:00.000+11:00

Guess what we did on the weekend

Xmas is coming!

Click the photo for more

Fun at the Shops

2008-11-25T14:54:00.001+11:00

Shopping with kids can be fun - no really!
This is how my 2 boys amused themselves on a recent trip to Bunnings

You don't have to be crazy as a parent - but it helps

Daylight saving causes the Drought

2008-11-24T13:32:00.001+11:00

So much for only in America. Apparently some Genius called Chris Hill from Albury thinks the Government should shorten Daylight Saving to stop the drought – ah well it takes all kinds :)

Dilbert is my twin

2008-11-21T22:46:00.001+11:00

Ok I don’t have the curl up tie but otherwise I have a lot in common with my favourite cartoon cubicle companion. See below

Bad Credit

2008-11-12T14:26:00.001+11:00

The world and Australians included are spinning out of debt control. To some extent I think we all have too much trust in others (like Banks or whatever) to look after our interests. We need to be in control of our own destiny.

I/we probably don’t use credit wisely or repay my loans quickly enough. But I know that if I only ever pay the minimum repayment on my credit card I will probably never repay the balance. As a method of payment Credit Cards are very convenient but as a vehicle for borrowing – which is what you do if you don’t repay in full – they suck.

SO credit card buyer beware – don’t let that minimum repayment number fool you :)

Minimum-payment requirements seem like a good idea: Without them, credit-card holders would pay too little and let balances bloom. But a new study indicates that many of us would pay more if our statements didn’t require a minimum.

The problem with minimum-payment requirements, the study found, is that they can lower a cardholder’s sense of what a reasonable payment is — an effect known as anchoring, which was especially strong among cardholders who usually paid more than the minimum but less than the total balance. A test group of such cardholders who got credit-card bills with $700 balances and no minimum-payment requirement paid an average of $280 — about 40 percent of the balance. A control group who received similar bills that included minimums, meanwhile, paid only $161, or 23 percent of the balance — a rate of payment that would have eventually cost them twice as much interest.

Minimum payments, then, are the cardholder’s enemy — and the creditor’s friend.

Post found on Very Short List

Beat Box Kitchen

2008-10-01T22:18:00.001+10:00

A storm is brewing – is it global warming?

2008-09-16T12:24:00.001+10:00

Check out these awesome pics of hurricanes taken from space. Some reports say the power of hurricanes is actually increasing due to global warming – who knows – but these pics are unreal.

2008-09-12T12:55:00.001+10:00

learning how to update just my status via ping.fm - I think

Alex won an Award at school today!

2008-08-22T12:22:00.000+10:00

Alex won an effort award for getting 10 merit awards over the last few months

Here he is getting the certificate

As you can tell though – it wasn’t for his running.

Oh dear – I think he will take after his parents in the foot-speed stakes although he wasn’t very well that day

Sometimes red eye can work out great

2008-08-22T12:15:00.000+10:00

They don’t make ‘em like they used to

2008-08-10T23:11:00.001+10:00

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

There is a great article at this site I just found called www.Babblebaby.com.au

It’s all about old TV shows that were on when I was a kid. Shows like The Goodies & Monkey Magic. Here’s my comment on the site:

Would I let my 3 & 6 year old watch these - You betcha. This is a slice of my childhood. Monkey and the Goodies are my favourite shows of all those years and I still watch them. Throw in Dr Who and you have every afternoon at my place. Monkey was a little violent for sure and who didn't hit their brother with a stick playing Monkey - I know did. Not only would I let my kids watch Noddy or Mr Squiggle or The Muppets, I would encourage it and probably enjoy sitting next to them to watch together. And isn't that the point - making TV a shared experience and not just a pseudo child minder
Cheers :)

These are some of my favourite shows of all time.
Throw in the following shows and you have a picture of my viewing habits as a kid.

Dr Who
The Smurfs – lord help me but I was late many a morning watching Smurfs
Fraggle Rock
Press Gang – I absolutely loved this show when it came out
Battle of the Planets – we called it G Force – my brother Chris loved this the most

Many of these shows, especially on the ABC were repeated and repeated and we watched every episode over and over. They fell like old friends to me :)