Chris Paul for President

Almas Sucks

2009-04-16T16:24:00.001-07:00

big time

Santa detained at border, sent to Guantanamo

2008-12-25T00:31:00.000-08:00

Santa Claus was detained at the Canadian border and flown to
Guantanamo Bay for what U.S. officials are calling
"[...]one of the most suspicious beards we've ever seen."

"The guy had a bunch of Playstation 3's and
I've been dying to get one," explained border patrol
agent Joseph Giuliano, "I mean, come on..."

Officials first became suspicious when Claus
was searched and identifications with multiple
names turned up.

"Claus, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle," explained
Giuliano, "It's like he's trying real hard
to be someone else."

A GamePro Magazine

Witnesses said that officials broke one of Claus's fingers
and that his captors desecrated a GamePro magazine,
one of the most holy publications to those who celebrate
Christmas. The Pentagon has already rejected allegations
that Guantanamo Bay authorities abused Claus.
The detainee's freedom will be decided in 6 to 24
months by a US federal judge.

This is on the heels of fresh allegations of prison abuse at Guantanamo reported in statements taken from 13 detainees shortly after a navy chaplain reported the incidents to military investigators in mid-October. The detainees said they were repeatedly beaten and humiliated sexually by American interrogators working at the site.

Pentagon spokesman Navy Cmdr. Jeffrey Gordon denied the report and any new allegations. "The Department of Defense policy is clear," he said. "We treat all detainees humanely." There was no comment on whether or not Guantanamo officials sodomized Claus with a candy cane.

This is not good news for an already struggling economy. Any holes left in gift delivery will have to be filled by an increase in demand in consumer goods, an increase that will take away from an already monumental task of retooling the nation's lagging infrastructure. Immediate changes in Christmas however, may go unnoticed as George Bush, always doing his best to make a buck, stole Christmas in a roundabout way by outsourcing the previously free gift delivery to Haliburton for $18 Billion.

Tina Fey beats out Kevin Garnett as entertainer of the year

2008-12-23T13:43:00.000-08:00

Yahoo:

NEW YORK – Tina Fey is the entertainer of the year? You betcha. Fey was voted The Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year, an annual honor chosen by newspaper editors and broadcast producers across the country.

Fey was selected by AP members as the performer who had the greatest impact on culture and entertainment in 2008.

The 38-year-old comedian bested runner-up Robert Downey Jr., whose comeback was capped with the blockbuster smash "Iron Man," and the third-place vote-getter, Heath Ledger, who posthumously wowed audiences as the Joker in "The Dark Knight."

But it was Fey who most impressed voters largely with her indelible impression of Gov. Sarah Palin on "Saturday Night Live." Her cameos on her old show (where she had been a head writer until 2006) helped drive the show to record ratings and eventually drew an appearance from Palin herself.

Human Garbage Watch presents Don Surber

2008-12-17T21:49:00.000-08:00

Since 2003, two trillion tons of ice in Alaska, Greenland and Antarctica melted and never reformed.

This guy thinks Greenland, Antarctica and most puzzlingly Alaska, literally float on the water.

http://blogs.dailymail.com/donsurber/2008/12/16/just-ask-me-251/

Question: What do you think of 2 trillion tons of ice melting since 2003?

Answer: Not much. It is a scary number that is not put into context. I suspect there are quadrillions of tons of ice out there. When the media uses a scary number, it is because the percentage is small. When the media uses a percentage without using a base number, it is because the number is small. For example, murders doubled without the number could mean 1 murder last year, 2 murders this year.

Question: But doesn’t melting ice raise the sea level?

Answer: Not really. James O’Brien, an emeritus professor at Florida State University: “When the Arctic Ocean ice melts, it never raises sea level because floating ice is floating ice, because it’s displacing water. When the ice melts, sea level actually goes down.

“I call it a fourth grade science experiment. Take a glass, put some ice in it. Put water in it. Mark level where water is. Let it met. After the ice melts, the sea level didn’t go up in your glass of water. It’s called the Archimedes Principle.”

I know when you look at a map it looks like land is floating on water, but it's actually attached to the crust.

Delonte West grows afro, just ends up looking jewish

2008-11-10T22:54:00.000-08:00

Palin admits she forgot to vote

2008-11-05T13:09:00.000-08:00

She [Palin] talked and laughed with her supporters alongside her husband Todd. She took a moment to speak to reporters and was caught off guard when some asked her about who she voted for.

The governor said, "I don't have to vote. Nobody does. That's really cool about America."

Palin top aide Kris Perry has brushed off criticism and commended the move as "The single best thing anyone has ever done, ever."

Mike Nizich, chief of staff for the Governor, said the abstention showed "courage and leadership and a faith and confidence in the straight talk express."

Palin, dismissing charges of ineptitude and absent-mindedness, explained, "I didn't need to vote, god is my vote, like it says in the bible." She had no comment when pressed on where in the bible it says that.

- Times Online

For those of you keeping score at home

2008-11-04T23:07:00.000-08:00

Times Bush has screwed McCain out of being president: 2

Schwarzenegger warns that robo-calls seek to destroy humanity

2008-11-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

CNN - Governor Schwarzenegger made a break from the Republican platform to warn that robo-calls are the first wave of seemingly unstoppable cyborg assassins sent back from the year 2029 by a race of artificially intelligent machines bent on the extermination of the human race. These cyborgs are known as Terminators and were invented by Skynet, a form of artificial intelligence created by Cyberdyne Systems. In the near future Skynet will gain self-awareness, take over all military hardware, and initiates a nuclear war against humanity.

"First they get the phones," the governor explained, "and then they get the refrigerators and internets, then the planes with the bombing and the shooting."

Snopes and factcheck.org have already largely debunked the story as another Republican scare tactic, mainly objecting to the flaws in the explanation of Terminator time travel and taking particular issue with the predestination paradox. But at least it was entertaining to hear Schwarzenegger pronounce "refrigerator."

New video, with 50% fewer copyright issues!

2008-11-02T09:57:00.000-08:00

too bad it's two days before election day!

Breaking News: Black guy tired of being asked "Hey, how bout that Obama?!"

2008-11-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Craig Johnson is missing something and he wants it back -- Silence.
"I used to think white people roll out of bed and start chit-chatting and they're happy, but now I realize it's not all that it's cracked up to be."

Craig can't walk down the street of his upper class Connecticut neighborhood without people greeting him with "How 'bout that Obama!"

"It's worse than when people ask me for NBA scores," explained Johnson, "I mean, it's not even like their asking me a question anymore, apparently it [How 'bout that Obama!] has become a greeting interchangeable with hello when I'm around. Sociologically, it's fascinating how these people seem to pat themselves on the back when engaging other people, but having to live it is a pain in the ass."

"I want it to go back to the way it was, obviously not that far back, maybe mid nineties. I don't want to know everyone's life story, I don't want to make an event out of seeing someone I see three times a week. It takes me 4 times longer to get through the supermarket these days. But you know, they say you can't stop progress, I might just have to find a place to move to where people still treat me with the same mix of disinterest and quiet envy... you know what I mean."

And we did know what he meant. We absolutely did. We're all a little envious of Mr. Johnson.

Palin accuses Israel of being anti-Israel for meeting with Palestinians

2008-10-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

cnn.com-

Gov. Sarah Palin on Wednesday said that Israel has moved too close to Palestine and criticized peace talks as "disgraceful." Gov. Sarah Palin says she's "not negative campaigning to avoid vetting of her own record."

An Israeli statement released Thursday said, "ugly insinuations about Israel's security and diplomatic relations are completely false."

"It seems that there's quite a few Islams (Muslims) in Israel which claims to be of the Jew," Palin shouted at some pedestrians in Leeds, Alabama.

"This is important because if you put a Jew next to an Arab, sometimes you can't tell the difference," she explained, "it's important that they wear hats."

New York Knicks request 700 Billion Dollar bailout

2008-10-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Conservatives urged Congress on Tuesday to consider other alternatives before rushing to pass a $700 billion plan to bail out the New York Knicks, a measure the White House says must pass by the end of the week. Commissioner David Stern said that the failure of the Knicks could be come systemic and threaten the lining of his fat pockets.

"With names like Pat Ewing (Jr.) hanging in the wind," opined Stern, "we have no choice but to accept this failure of the free market and try to fix it externally."

Senators Barack Obama and John McCain joined forces to try to stop the bailout but acknowledged both the process and their commitments were "bull[deleted]."

"People are saying we must act now. The last time I heard that, I was watching the shop-at-home network," said Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets. "If someone says you have to deal now, it means they get a part of the deal."

"In my experience, when you dig a hole this deep," explained James Dolan, owner of the Knicks, "you need to climb out of it on a big pile of money, and also use money to wipe your hands off."

"Money!" later added Dolan.

Tracy McGrady promises exciting, new ways to lose in the first round.

2008-10-11T01:21:00.000-07:00

Tracy McGrady does his best to go home early every year. He's 7 for 7 taking a dive in the first round, but this year the deck is stacked against him. With the additions of Barry and Artest and an improving Scola, the Rockets seem poised to make serious run -- even to the finals.

"We'll need to coordinate our injuries," said McGrady, "The first step to losing in the playoffs is losing in the regular season. With a bad seed its like half the work is done for you. We're gonna need help from our fans: chairs, batteries, drinks, whatever you have, just whip it at Ron's face."

Ron Artest is well-known from the infamous brawl at The Palace of Auburn Hills and the lengthy suspension attributed to it. An arrest on domestic violence charges, dots the I's in "first round exit".

"I have a streak to think about," worried McGrady, "0 for 1 with Toronto, 0 for 3 with Orlando and Houston. I wouldn't rule out anything when it comes to playoff time, drugs, liquor, hookers, rock climbing accidents, Bill Ayers, long lost twins, gigantism, and if neccesary: a plane crash... oh and I guarantee you this, someone's gonna get pregnant."

A confused Sarah Palin accuses Iran of being Muslim

2008-10-07T08:23:00.000-07:00

telegraph.co.uk-

The Republican candidate’s running mate Sarah Palin attacked Iran for it's links to Ayatollah Khomeini, religious leader and scholar, politician, and leader of the 1979 Iranian Revolution.

Her comments were believed to be out of desperation as she appeared to be lost at a Colorado gas station looking for South Park -- a fictionalized town. There is no official word yet from the McCain campaign about her comments, but no public speaking arraignments have been made for the governor. The McCain campaign had given some indication it will step up it's efforts to control unexpected events like this and prevent them from happening again.

Ayatollah Khomeini led the 1979 Iranian Revolution which saw the overthrow of Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, the last Shah of Iran. Following the revolution and a national referendum, Khomeini became the country's Supreme Leader—a position created in the constitution as the highest ranking political and religious authority of the nation, until his death.

FANTASY WARNING

2008-10-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

Steve "the Fetus" Blake
A nod of preference toward this man by the Blazers coaching staff and now he's chronically overrated by fantasy guides. In a 9-cat league or any league that count turnovers, his assist to turnover ratio is poor. Three pointers come at a cost of poor field goal percentage. Can still get lost in a talented crowded Portland back court. I picked him up as a 20-team league bench player.

Ron Artest Houston to-do list

2008-09-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

1) Criticize Yao Ming for his "ching chang talk"
2) Call Shane Battier an uncle tom
3) Slap that "stupid look" off of t-mac's face
4) Take over the dog fighting ring bonzi wells left behind
5) Find Rudy T's house and finish the job Kermit Washington started for no apparent reason
6) Tell scola to go back to mexico
&) Request a fema check

Chris Paul is tough on illegal immigrants

2008-09-14T11:14:00.000-07:00

McCain explains economic plan

2008-09-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

Biden

2008-08-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

cnn-

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama introduced Sen. Joe Biden to the nation as his running mate Saturday, telling supporters that he is "a leader who is ready to step in and be president."

"For months, I've searched for a leader to finish this journey alongside me and join me in making Washington work for the American people. I searched for a leader who understood the rising costs confronting working people and will always put their dreams first," Obama said.

"Today, I've come back to Springfield to tell you I've found that leader," he said.

The rally is the pair's first joint appearance since Obama announced that Biden, the senior U.S. senator from Delaware, would be his running mate on his Web site and in a text message to supporters early Saturday morning.

McCain: Obama too fit to be president

2008-08-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

Wall Street Journal

Raised by a Midwestern grandmother, Sen. Obama didn't begin to slim down until he played basketball regularly in high school.

These days he stays away from junk food and instead snacks on MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and drinks Black Forest Berry Honest Tea, a healthy organic brew. (Sen. McCain is said to have a weakness for Butterfinger candy bars, jelly beans, and coffee and doughnuts from Dunkin' Donuts.)

On a campaign stop in May at Lew's Dari-Freeze in Milwaukie, Ore., Sen. Obama's wife, Michelle, and their two daughters ate ice-cream sundaes and onion rings, while Sen. Obama grinned for the cameras and swirled a spoon around in his quickly melting ice-cream concoction, taking only a few nibbles.

During a July family appearance on "Access Hollywood," Sen. Obama's 7-year-old daughter, Sasha, revealed that her dad doesn't like ice cream or sweets. "Everybody should like ice cream," she said.

Suggestions for next article:
Examining Obama: D**k too big to be president?
Jumpshot too "silky smooth" to lead the free world!

Stepbrothers

2008-08-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

Josh Childress pwns Hawks

2008-07-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

link

Josh Childress is leaving the Atlanta Hawks for Greek club Olympiacos, reversing the course of the many international stars who have signed with the NBA.

Heading overseas allows Childress to make more money than he could have as a restricted free agent in the United States. The Hawks had the right to match an offer from another NBA team, but not from an international club.

Agent Jim Tanner said Wednesday the three-year deal was worth about $20 million after taxes. The money is guaranteed, and Childress can opt out of the contract after each year.

If Team USA doesn't get gold in Beijing (likely since chucker Kobe Bryant has entered the fray) this could spell trouble the NBA.

Because today's music sucks

2008-07-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

The NBA Finals in 1000 Words

2008-07-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Game

2008-06-17T21:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Stern_master Server
*K8be has joined the game.*
*TIM_DUNCAN has joined the game.*
*le-blur has joined the game.*
*ginosebleed has joined the game.*
*TheDarkness has joined the game.*
*TheTruth has joined the game.*
*Superman_Dwight has joined the game.*
*t(mac) has joined the game.*
*ZenMaster has joined the game.*
*dirkdiggler has joined the game.*
*OdomandGomorrah has joined the game.*
*LBJ has joined the game.*
*theboozer has joined the game.*
*J-Ho has joined the game.*
*c.butl3r has joined the game.*
*cp3 has joined the game.*
*j.smoove has joined the game.*
*cb4 has joined the game.*
*popabich has joined the game.*
*big cactus has joined the game.*
*GASOLine has joined the game.*
*GASOLine has joined team Grizzlies.*
*j[KIDD] has joined the game.*
*AI2 has joined the game.*
K8be: first
TIM_DUNCAN: DAMMIT
*d'shwnstvnson has joined the game.*
d'shwnstvnson: 12/m/DC any gurls wanna talk?
AI2: more like AC/DC, get outta here perv
*K8be has joined team Lakers.*
K8be: I wanna different team
*j[KIDD] has joined team Nets.*
*TIM_DUNCAN has joined team Spurs.*
*le-blur has joined team Spurs.*
*ginosebleed has joined team Spurs.*
*popabich has joined team Spurs*
popabich: All for one and one for all!
K8be: lol, weak
*RasheezyWalleezy has joined the game.*
*RasheezyWalleezy has joined team Pistons*
cp3: lmao, longest name ever
*J-Ho has joined team Mavs*
*OdomandGomorrah has joined team Lakers.*
big cactus: did you guys know Kanye West's mom died?
cp3: every1 knows that
RasheezyWalleezy: she died during a manicure
big cactus: she did not die during a manicure
RasheezyWalleezy: if it hadn't killed her it would've made her stronger
TheDarkness: LOL
TheTruth: LMAO
Superman_Dwight: LOLROFLMANDOWN
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*
RasheezyWalleezy: oh come on
*TheDarkness has joined team Timberwolves.*
*TheTruth has joined team Celtics.*
TheTruth: Kevin is that you?
TheDarkness: yeah
TheTruth: join my team
*TheDarkness has left team Timberwolves.*
*TheDarkness has joined team Celtics.*
LBJ: man, thats not cool
d'shwnstvnson: lol
LBJ: you think thats funny? i gotta pay all the bills around here
*cp3 has joined team Hornets*
J-Ho: You guys wanna get high?
OdomandGomorrah: yes
*J-Ho has been warned.*
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*
RasheezyWalleezy: ????
*LBJ has joined team Cavaliers*
j[KIDD]: just let me die or let me change teams already
*j[KIDD] has left team Nets.*
*j[KIDD] has joined team Mavs.*
*ZenMaster has joined team Lakers.*
*dirkdiggler has joined team Mavs*
*theboozer has joined team Jazz*
LBJ: **** you son
*c.butl3r has joined team Wizards.*
c.butl3r: we gonna win this s***
*0 has joined the game.*
*0 has joined team Wizards.*
c.butl3r: nvm
*cb4 has joined the team Raptors*
*j.smoove has joined team Hawks.*
*big cactus has joined team Suns.*
*d'shwnstvnson has joined team Wizards.*
d'shwnstvnson: why do we have to have such a gay name?
*GASOLine has left team Grizzlies.*
*GASOLine has joined team Lakers.*
popabich: NOT FAIR
*t(mac) has joined team Rockets*
*AI2 has joined team Sixers*
*The_Answer has joined the game.*
*The_Answer has joined team Nuggets.*
*Team Nuggets eliminated.*
The_Answer: WTF?!
*The_Answer has left the game.*
AI2: ahahahaha we still in it without you
d'shwnstvnson: LBJ is overrated
LBJ: Who is this guy?
LBJ: is he even a player?
dirkdiggler: whats my greatest achievement?
dirkdiggler: beating the kings without webber
dirkdiggler: beating the suns without amare
dirkdiggler: beating the spurs in tim duncans worst year
cp3: this is gonna be easier than I thought
ginosebleed: ur still talking about that? dios mio, i even had an ankle injury that required surgery that year
*dirkdiggler has left the game.*
j[KIDD]: my teammate disappeared!
big cactus: u guys are gay im leavin
*big cactus has left the game.*
*Team Suns eliminated.*
*Team Mavs eliminated.*
*j[KIDD] has left the game.*
*Team Raptors eliminated.*
cb4: I could've had Lamarcus Aldridge on my team, Lamarcus f****** Aldridge!
*cb4 has left the game.*
K8be: is that name supposed to mean something to me?
*JazzFan is now observing the game.*
*RocketsFan is now observing the game.*
JazzFan: you couldn't stop dis last year, why you come back for more?
RocketsFan: I'm from texas son, I'm not afraid to raid your mormon compound
*JazzFan has left the game.*
j.smoove: lol, here's to pwnage
AI2: haha cheers
cp3: why you guys lettin these n00bs hang around
thedarkness: don't worry i'm on it
j.smoove: god ur profile pic look old, what are you, like 25?
*Team Rockets eliminated.*
*RocketsFan has changed name to SpursFan.*
t(mac): At least no one will remember last year when I cried
SpursFan: its called youtube
*t(mac) has left the game.*
*Team Sixers eliminated.*
RasheezyWalleezy: RESPECK DIS
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*
RasheezyWalleezy: ftw?
*AI2 has left the game.*
*Team Wizards eliminated.*
*c.butl3r has left the game.*
*0 has left the game.*
*d'shwnstvnson has left the game.*
LBJ: WHAT NOW?
SpursFan: they're gone genious
cp3: "genious" classic!
*Team Hawks eliminated.*
thedarkness: THAT was ridiculous
le-blur: o snap cp3 rushed sumbody help
TIM_DUNCAN: god, you guys are only good because of me
ginosebleed: i am the only real world champion
********************************************
Stern_master Server message: NOBODY CARES!
********************************************
GASOLine: even I have to agree, nobody cares about games outside of here
theboozer: I'm a great 6'8 post player
theboozer: and the best basketball player to come out of Alaska
GASOLine: ...and the smartest tard on the short bus
*theboozer has left the game*
Superman_Dwight: You guys wanna see me dunk?
RasheezyWalleezy: NO!
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*
RasheezyWalleezy: FTW!
*Superman_Dwight has left the game.*
RasheezyWalleezy: ahahaha issue an amber alert for that ni**a
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*
RasheezyWalleezy: FTW!
*Team Magic eliminated.*
*Team Jazz eliminated.*
LBJ: You guys wanna see ME dunk?
TheTruth: NO!
*Team Cavaliers eliminated.*
LBJ: You know, you're all still witnesses
TheTruth: leave
*LBJ has left the game.*
cp3: lol, this is like one of my first games
le-blur: sacre bleu
*Team Hornets eliminated.*
cp3: i'll be back again, dont u worry
*cp3 has left the game.*
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*
RasheezyWalleezy: FTW!
TIM_DUNCAN: that was an ordeal
GASOLine: most boring name ever.
popabich: can someone look into that last shot? should've been a foul....
********************************************
Stern_master Server message: could've gone either way, that is to say, it should've gone one way but it went the other
********************************************
popabich: what?!
*Team Spurs eliminated.*
*TIM_DUNCAN has left the game.*
*popabich has left the game.*
*le-blur has left the game.*
*ginosebleed has left the game.*
SpursFan: man, I can't afford to buy a kobe jersey
*SpursFan has left the game.*
RasheezyWalleezy: this officiating is sh*t
*RasheezyWalleezy has been banned.*
*Team Pistons eliminated.*
*JamesWorthy is now observing the game.*
*TheTruth has left the game.*
*TheTruth has joined the game.*
*TheTruth has joined team Celtics.*
ZenMaster: fake
JamesWorthy: yeah, fake
JamesWorthy: I'm still relevant
JamesWorthy: I'd just like to set things straight, I thought the cop was a hooker
JamesWorthy: I was on an episode of star trek
*JamesWorthy has been banned.*
ZenMaster: these guys are cheating
TheTruth: go write a book
ZenMaster: **** you
TheTruth: go write a book
*Donaghy[h4x0rs] is now observing the game.*
Donaghy[h4x0rs]: I used to h4x this game all the time
*Donaghy[h4x0rs] has been banned.*
*JesusShuttlesworth has joined the game.*
*JesusShuttlesworth has joined team Celtics.*
TheTruth: Where the f**k have you been!?
JesusShuttlesworth: Can we win this thing?
TheDarkness: Anything is possible
TheDarkness: Anything is possible
TheDarkness: Anything is possible
TheDarkness: sry, lag
K8be: jesus is just camping in the corner
K8be: n00b
*K8be has left the game.*
JesusShuttlesworth: awww where u goin?
TheTruth: he wudnt helpin neway, just shootin randomly, all over the place
*Team Lakers eliminated.*
*OdomandGomorrah has left the game.*
*GASOLine has left the game.*
*ZenMaster has left the game.*
********************************************
Stern_master Server message: May I present to you the 2007-2008 NBA Champions: the Boston Celtics. There can be only one.
********************************************
TheTruth: what are we, quotin highlander now?
JesusShuttlesworth: LOL
TheDarkness: LMAO
*TheTruth has left the game.*
*TheDarkness has left the game.*
*JesusShuttlesworth has left the game.*
*RasheezyWalleezy has been warned.*