Lessons Learned

Moving day

2009-04-20T16:38:00.002-04:00

My new site at Wordpress is now live. Go there.

(Sorry kara! I just cant take the bugs anymore. You wont be alone, your dad is still around, as is Orhan and Woozie and half the people on my blogroll...)

Week of Peeves: Friday

2009-04-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

Pet Peeves #5: All the stupid petty shit that makes life more difficult or more miserable than it really has to be.

People who drive too slow.
People who drive too fast, get up on your bumper and flash their highbeams at you.
Motorcyclists who weave through traffic at 200mph. I wish they'd die.
Dropped cellular connections.
Lack of customer service by companies who, having a monopoly on supply, just don't give a fuck if you--or THEY--have a problem. (I'm looking at you Comcast!)
Reality TV. I'm pretty damn sure people watch that shit because there's nothing else being offered to watch besides talking heads and poorly written dramas. Not because people actually LIKE it.
People who complain that they are bored and that there's nothing to watch on TV, and watch TV anyway, complaining all the while. Instead of playing games, reading books, or socializing!
Having to type up all this formatting shit manually because mobile scripts are fucking lame and don't show formatting buttons.
Postnasal drip; how it drips down your throat and congeals as a slimy ball of mucus behind your epiglottis, and no amount of throat clearing or hocking of loogies clears out that damn ball of slime.
People who think they can tell me what to do or how to do it. The only person whose authority I recognize is my BOSS! And Mom. Hi Mom! If you're not my boss or my mother, fucking back off.
People I don't know or have never spoken to, "friending" me or messaging me online. If I do not know you, you are not my friend. If you arent my friend, I will not chat with you. So don't bother "saving" me! I will not accept!
People who feed their children caffine, and then complain about their kids being assholes and how tired they are. Hello? You're not getting sleep because your kids are hopped up on Mt. Dew and are acting like hyperactive assholes!!
The eczema in my ear.
The defect in my pinkie finger.
Dying hearing aid batteries; they make sputtering noises, which is called "motorboating" and yes, is as irritating as it sounds!
Political Correctness; all this hypersensitive "be careful what you say or you might hurt someone's feelings" crap has gone WAY overboard. It's one thing to be respectful of another human being's reality, but to let hyperaware sensitivity encroach upon free speech, education, or the development of dermal armor is really not doing anyone any good! And you know what, I find "hearing impaired" to be the offensive term. I'm deaf. I'm happy with that word.
People who think whistling or clapping or hooting or any other such VOCALIZATIONS are acceptable ways to get my attention. NO, they are not. I am not a dog. Moreover, I can't HEAR vocalizations! It makes no sense!
Food that goes bad in the refigerator. Surely three weeks of freshness isnt too much to ask!
Jars and bottles with too tight lids.
Child-proof caps. Let us remove the child-proofing if we want to, gawd!
Scratched-up rented DVDs that are unreadable.
Money pools/collections. Look, if I am going to give my money away, I'm gonna give it to actual, organized 503 non-profit charities that I admire. NOT a private fund for your kid's summer camp! Congrats, you have a mortgage, good luck with that, but you're not getting my money. Oh, a betting pool? How fun! NO!
Clutter. Either put it away or PURGE!
Blogger. Blogger has been giving me nothing but trouble for months now. Currently, I'm having "communication" problems. Blogger hates my Blackberry. Blogger refuses to load webpages, comment forms, and especially doesn't like to let me leave comments. It even took a gazillion tries of logging in before it let me in to POST THIS DAMN POST! I'm sick of Blogger. Blogger can suck it. I'm moving to Wordpress.

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Week of Peeves: Thursday

2009-04-16T12:46:00.000-04:00

Pet Peeve #4: Myself, or: not making the most of myself.

Lest anyone begin to doubt, I am certainly not perfect. I can be an annoying person, and yes, I can even annoy myself!

I suffer from Daydreamer's Disease. The technical term is rectoencephalitis, and at any given point in the day, there's a 50/50 chance you'll find me with my head up my ass. I'm always lost in my own little world, thinking my petty thoughts, daydreaming stories, or (most likely) on my damn blackberry chatting with friends or reading too many damn blogs. I don't really pay much attention to what's going on around me unless I have a reason to. Sometimes I don't pay attention to what I'm doing, espcially mindless rote work (which I do for 11 hours a day). That's when I make mistakes. Stupid, petty mistakes that wouldn't happen if I were paying more attention!

"Pay attention dummy!" My smarter self tells my recto-cranially impaired(RCI) self. "Meh." Replies my RCI self. "I know what I'm doing. Lemme alone."

Eventually, sooner or later, my inattention rewards me:

CRASH! "Congratulations, asshole! You've just drove through a shrub and crashed into a mailbox!" "Shit!"
"Oh look, numbnuts, you've just overcooked your mold of radioactive pellets! Best salvage that while you can."
"Crap!"
"Watch out for the doorfra--" THUMP. "Ow! My toe! CockfuckshitassholeFUCK!"

Yeah. You get the idea. And yes, I DO have quite the mouth on me. Your point is?

Only one thing annoys me more than rectoencephalitis. I'm lazy. I don't want to do shit. Not even the shit I want to do. I tell myself everyday, "When I get home, I'm gonna focus and work on suchandsuch project! I've got nothing to stop me now! No distractions! Yay!" Then I get home, eat, piss, soak in water, then climb into my bed with a book or my Blackberry, cat at my side, and spend the next two hours WASTING TIME!
I am my own distraction! Hello, self! Go away and stop distracting me from myself! I've got meaningfulness to pursue! "Pssh!" retorts Self. "Let's have a nosh and read the news, instead. Really, I must insist."

I've got to figure out a way to discipline myself, but, meh, that's a little too much work, yanno?

Ooo! A new blog to read! *clickity click* Ah, the Obamas finally got their dog, how nifty...
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Week Of Peeves: Wednesday

2009-04-15T13:00:00.000-04:00

Pet Peeve #3: Assholes, or; The Careless Disregard of Other Human Beings.

There are thousands of ways in which assholery can manifest, these are but just a couple of those instances in which I have had to suffer:

One can resonably assume that the foods in a shared refigerator at one's workplace belong to the person who put said foods in there. Good manners dictate that one does not consume food intended for consumption by another, presumably by the one who actually purchased the food!

In other words, my dear friends, if you did not buy it, do not eat it, right? Well, assholes don't give a fuck. They see your food, they decide they are hungry, and figure your butter would taste good on their toast. And, not content with just stealing a little bit of spread, they instead SLATHER huge heaping servings, not once, not twice, but for the rest of the week! Until, at the end of less than 2 weeks, a tub of butter meant to last a month is competely spent. Your butter is an ex-butter.

To the butter bandit who stole my $2.50, I say: I am ap-PALLED, sir!

Perhaps my standards of behavior are too high. I do strongly think that socialization should occur only in designated socilization venues. Hallways and aisles and other such places of human traffic are neither acceptable nor designated places for shooting the breeze with long-lost acquaintances or your neighbor's preacher's son who, being single, absolutely should meet your sister's brother-in-law's daughter, who is just a delightful girl and is incidentially newly single.

Regardless of whether you are two blue-haired crones in floral frocks, or a trio of plastic trophy wives gossiping about your husbands indulgences, or even harried mothers with your entire brood in tow, you do not have leave to block the entire shopping aisle with your collective bulk and your congealed carts just so you can play the "OMG! How ARE you?!" game.

Hello?! And EXCUSE ME! There are other people who have actual shopping to do, places to go, lives to be lived! You're in our fucking way!
Shut up and move!

(The gender bias here is intentional, as I have never ONCE seen men initiate this sin; it is always their wives with whom they are saddled, the poor sods.)
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Week of Peeves: Tuesday

2009-04-14T12:36:00.001-04:00

Pet peeve #2: Intellectual laziness or letting your brain become a blob of sludge.

It seriously irks me when people can't be bothered to think. "Oh, yawn, my homework assignment requires me to do some research, I think I'll go online and find someone to do the research for me." Gah! Seriously, its not that hard to google or wiki something and let the flow of information carry you from one factual tidbit to another! Fuck, just go to a library and read! But NOOO, they can't be bothered, because they got better things to do like look at boobies or paint their toenails, or shove their finger so far up their nostril, they can pick their brains.

Hell, its probably the only stimulation that brain ever gets.

It appalls me how the great information resource that is the Internet has instead become a resource for getting other people to think for you.

Creationists piss me off. It's not their belief in divine creation that irks me, but rather the blind and rote denial of evolution, and the constant repetition of bad arguments that have long been refuted. No, the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics does NOT apply to evolution. No, evolution is not "just a theory." No, evolution has NOTHING to do with the creation of the universe, or with abiogenesis. Evolution HAS indeed been observed! Complex forms such as eyes and brains can and DO arise from simpler primogenitures. Genomes do change, grow, and decline, and micro-evolution on a universal clock will lead to notable and massive differences, i.e. macro-evolution.
Hearing the same misinformed points made over and over again is enough to make me bang my head against the wall.

And all it requires is a little education about what science is and the willingness to understand what evolution describes. But, NOOO, religious theocrats (see below) refuse the pollute the unquestioning minds of their young by allowing decent science education in schools! So they jam their booger-crusted fingers inside their ears and shout, "No, you're all wrong!"

Theocrats or "culture warriors" need to shut the fuck up. Much like creationists, christian fundamentalists constantly parrot out the same religious arguments for social oppression. Gay marriage, medical suicide, abortion, and stem cell research are all issues that arise from religious opposition. The secular arguments against these topics are either weak, or nonexistent. And to constantly hear "It is wrong!" as sufficient reason to impose laws against them irks me as much as "evolution is just a theory!"

One's religious convictions are not sufficient grounds for secular laws.
This is a secular country! Some of our Founders may indeed have been Christian, but others, such as Jefferson, weren't. Regardless, the Founders created our government as a secular entity, wishing religion to be the provenance of the private lives of the People.

And this "keep Christ in Christmas" crap? As if Christians were being victimized by the secular absorption of a Pagan holiday? Bill O'Rielly, shut the fuck up.

Humans think. It is what we evolved to do. Our evolutionary strength is our ability to think. And too many people are letting t.v., magazines, polticians, religious leaders, and gawd help me, CELEBRITIES, do the thinking for them! What ever happened to taking things with a grain of salt, huh?

Oh yeah, salt causes hypertension and strokes. That explains everything!
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Week of Peeves: Monday

2009-04-13T12:48:00.001-04:00

Pet Peeve #1: People who do not dress appropriately (for the weather, for their bodies, for their age, or for work).

Any woman, no matter their age or body shape, should NOT wear pants so tight their hips and belly spill over the waistband. Muffintops are not flattering on anyone! It makes me want to grab the poor girl and shout "You look like a goomba! Go up a size, I beg you!"

Let me ask you, my wise readers, would YOU wear this outfit--thin dress and strappy sandals--when the weather is in the 30s, windy and blustery, and the sky is about to belch snow and ice? Neither would I! But this past winter, I have seen several young women and girls wearing those kinds of clothes in exactly that kind of weather! It drives me nuts! A few were "wise" enough to wear a sweater or a coat over their dress, but the shoes! Flip flops in the snow! I ask you! I dont care if they dont "feel" the cold, its not smart. Flipflops dont protect against ice: one is more likely to fall in flipflops than in shoes, and that's on dry land! On ice? A fall into a snowbank in a fluffy dress? First, hilarious, and secondly, a precursor to the flu. If YOU get the flu, then I get the flu! Your stupid dressing choices are making me sick! Wear jeans and boots! Gawd!

The same applies to the idiot fellows in shorts.

And last but not least: dressing like a homeless person at work is NOT appropriate. Sweats, bedroom slippers, and a bandana as a head wrap, does not reflect well on the company's professional image. Put some effort into your appearance, if not for your co-workers, then for yourself! You would do wonders for your self-confiedence and your social life, as well as your appearance!

I also hate the current trends in fashion design and how men and boys seem to think that baggy clothes look good on them.
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Not-So-Random Recent Thoughts

2009-04-08T19:53:00.001-04:00

Yay! A raise...I am thankful for my pittance.
Obama cuts taxes then CT raises them: the 'lord' giveth and the 'lord' taketh away.
and credit cards taketh some more...
I am glad that the vast reservoir of charisma that is the President and First Lady is in service of my country.
..."Starlight and Brimstone" might not be the right title for this story...
This bra is too tight.
From CNN: "The unemployment rate climbed to 8.5% from 8.1% in February, in line with economists' forecasts. It was the highest since October, 1983" I am thankful for my pittance.

Icky Foods

2009-04-07T09:14:00.000-04:00

I love food and I love to eat food. There's not a lot that I don't like. I am usually willing to eat anything at least once.

But today's Ten on Tuesday asks that we list ten foods we dont like. I had to do some thinking, but in a nutshell (ha! theres a pun there I'm sure!) these are the foods low on my appeitizing scale. In no particular order:

1. Horseradish and wasabi. This is a taste issue. I absolutely hate the favor of horseradish. Its bitter, spicy, and well, nasty.

2. Licorice. Like horseradish, a flavor issue. Just tastes wrong. Its the anise, i think.

3. Organs such as tongues and livers and hearts. Just basic 'ick' factor here.

4. Breakfast sausages. Another taste issue. Too greasy, too salty, and the spices are...I dunno what they use--anise?--a faint semblance to licorice turns me off.

5. Raw nuts and trail mixes. The texture and flavor of plain nuts registers as off to me. I prefer my nuts at a minimum and tossed with foods such as salads and stirfrys.

6. Shellfish. This stuff actually tastes alright, but I just can't get past the texture and the fact these animals are basically bugs and spiders.

7. Rare steak. I dont want my steak bleeding at me accusingly. Plus the texture is too squelchy and not chewy enough. I want to tear my meat, not slog through it.

8. Moldy cheeses such as Bleu and Gorgonzola. Just way too salty and pungent. And plus, the mold!

9. McDonald's hash brown patties (the potato is just the binder to hold the grease together).

10. Cottage cheese. Pure visual revulsion. It looks like bleached vomit.

Funny bones?

2009-04-06T14:29:00.000-04:00

I've recently come to the conscious realization of something I've known subconsiously nearly all my life: I'm not funny. I can make people laugh, but only when I'm not trying. Indeed, I've noticed that I am my funniest when I am at my most serious. A rant, for example, elicits hearty guffaws. If I think about this--and knowing myself, I will--I am offended. My genuine feelings of annoyance and ire and yea, even affront, are cause of mirth? Seriously, people, what the fuck is that? That seems remarkably disrespectful to me!

I've been told by several people dear to me that my humor, when it manifests, is dry, nonsensical, and sometimes sardonic; "Bristish-ish"; and since I'm not trying to be funny (see point above), I conclude that I am naturally dry, nonsensical, sardonic and British-ish. As an American, I am offended, as well as baffled. What the hell does that--"British-ish"-- mean?.
I have watched Monty Python, and Mr. Bean, and confess myself a great fan of both, but Monty Python or Rowan Aktinson, I am not! They try to be funny, and they suceed!

The irony of this post is not lost on me. I am aware that since this is a borderline rant, and that I am completely serious, I know that some of you are deriving amusement at my bemusement, and are likely laughing at me (I'm looking at you, sister dear! And you too, miss schadenfruede!). And honestly, I don't think this post is funny at all: I'm not trying to make you laugh! I'm trying to make you feel sorry for me, damn it!

Its not right. Not right at all.

So I like to make lists. Sue me.

2009-03-31T15:17:00.000-04:00

Another 10 on Tuesday

10 things on my to-do list

1. Get Internet set up on my computer. This has been a process. The previous tenant never cancelled his or her cable account, and Comcast, with typical bureaucratic ignorance of reason, doesn't believe I live in the unit now. And I can't make use of the free signals because I have neither the modem or the cable box. Previous tenant must have taken the boxes with him/her, or Comcast is looking at the records for the wrong unit. Whatever. I have to go to a payment center to prove my residency and get the damn cable.

2. Buy the components for my Vika art table at IKEA. $100, OMG! Most art desks/work tables cost upwards of $200; IKEA rocks. I still need a good jeweler's bench though. IKEA doesn't have that.

3. Go to the Post Office. Send package to Allie. Fill out forwarding address forms. Get stamps.

4. Go to City Hall and make my new address official with taxes, DMV, and registrar.

5. Resume writing "Starlight and Brimstone", a short story featuring golems, necromancy, demons, and a young monk chosen to act as an agent of God.

6. Finish up some canvases so that I have some more stuff to put on my walls. I have too many unfinished works, and not enough finished ones!

7. Start prep-work for my first summer novelling endeavor: 100-day Novel (80K words minimum). Project courtesy of my friend Ian. I might expand the writing period to begin Memorial Day and end Labor Day, and make the word count a minimum of 100K words. That's 952 words a day for 15 weeks. After Nano, definitely accomplishable. The question that remains for me is: Fantasy or Literary?

8. Start cooking in earnest again. Bread, cookies, pototoes, chicken fried steak, etc...

9. Go swimming this summer, a lot. The activity will be good for me. Plus, being immersed in water is spiritually rejuvenating.

10. Join a social group or cause. So I don't become a hermit. Not that being a reclusive hermit is a bad thing, I just don't want my life to be devoid of human interactions. Art and books can only expand one's horizons so much!

A few of my favorite things

2009-03-30T10:58:00.001-04:00

My life has gone through a lot of changes in the past few months: I broke up with the first and only man I have ever loved; I moved out of the apartment we shared and into an apartment of my own; and my elderly cat is beginning the long process of dying. But brooding on bad things too long is not good for one's health, physically, mentally, or socially. So, taking my cue from Ms. Jazzy Jazz, I will list 50(!) Things that make my heart lift from that ol' doom-and-gloom.

1. Reading a good book
2. A cup of hot tea
3. A long steamy bath
4. A glass or two of sweet wine
5. Chocolates
6. Sparkling gemstones, unset (I have a box full of unset stones I love to handle and make designs for.)
7. Metalworking (I WILL do this again someday!)
8. Painting.
9. Being in the "flow." (Term refers to the state of creative energy in which the artist is deep in the process, barely conscious of outside world--not an easy state for me to get into!)
10. Bookstores/Libraries: being surrounded by books relaxes me.
11. Hugs, given and received.
12. Friends.
13. Family.
14. Cooking.
15. Eating.
16. Swimming.
17. Warm, sunny days.
18. The colors the clouds make when the sun shines through.
19. The colors of the sunset after an afternoon thunderstorm.
20. Thunderstorms and dark roiling clouds.
21. Ripe fruit right off the mother plant.
22. Napping under the sun on a soft blanket on soft earth.
23. My cat's purring rumbles when I hold her close.
24. The scent of a clean cat's fur.
25. Walking into a candleshop and sniffing every candle in sight.
26. Petting animals, feeling the softness of their coats.
27. Wearing silky clothes.
28. Finding clothes that fit.
29. Meeting new friends and knowing that the friendship will last a long time.
30. Discussing politics, society, religion, science, and philosophy whith someone just as engaged in the subject as I am.
31. Coversations without awkwardness or inhibition.
32. My Blackberry and the connection to the world it provides.
33. Making people laugh.
34. Making people go "ew, gross!"
35. Compliments, given and received.
36. Payday.
37. Dancing. I'd never do it in public, or with someone watching, but when no one is looking, I will dance a little dance, and it makes me smile.
38. Simple songs in my head. Usually old folk songs or Broadway tunes.
39. Crossing off items from my To Do Lists.
40. Purging junk.
41. Reorganizing clutter and moving furniture to new arrangements
42. An IBS-symptom-free day.
43. An uninterrupted full night's sleep.
44. Waking up with dreams that I remember and can record.
45. Being OFF birth control and having my moods, mind, and body back to normal.
46. Stepping out of Grand Central and into the steam and bustle of New York City.
47. Discovering a new book by my favorite authors.
48. A long drive on a sunny day towards a sunny destination.
49. Taking stupid personality quizzes of the sort found in Blogthings.com or in women's magazines.
50. Completing a blog post and posting it. I don't do enough of it.

As it was once said in the musical "The Sound of Music"
When the dog bites, when the stings, when you're feeling bad;
Just remember a few of your favorite things, then you won't feel so sad!

If I Tweeted...

2009-03-26T13:25:00.001-04:00

I moved into my own apartment! Lesson learned from unpacking: I've got too much crap.
Fact: Trickle-down Economics doesn't work. So, instead of bailing out the banks, why not bail out the debts of consumers? No debt=more spending=better economy.
Just learned that my cat, my companion of 17 years, has chronic renal (kidney) failure.
Cat recently had a lion cut, as per the vet's orders. See the pics here.
I am currently obessing over health care issues. I should write a blog post sometime.
I'm cold, but I refuse to wear a coat, because its spring, damnit.
Comcast should include a PITA bundle in their bundle lineups. Bundle includes: shitty service, lousy policies, and crappy programing.
Regarding former relationships: shit may be over and gone, but the stink still lingers.

Another 10 on Tuesday

2009-03-03T16:38:00.001-05:00

Another prompt from 10 on Tuesday

10 Ways You Can Make Your Life Better

1. Surround yourself with loving people: family and friends who adore you unequivocally.

The best thing I have ever done for myself was to leave an unhappy and unpromising relationship. Now I find myself in a home with my sister who loves me as a best friend and mother hen, a brother-in-law who I think likes me, and two young nephews who greet me with hugs and joy when I come through the door. I have friends, old and new: at work, and in the world around me, and on the internet, who fill my days with their happy words, their concerns, and their joy to be knowing me. They are the best medicine, and like sugar and honey to swallow.

2. Understand your fears and stand up to them. Then they won't control you.

One of my greatest fears has always been rejection and abandonment. I may always have that fear, but now that I have suffered it, and came through it intact, I am not afraid to face it again. I know that it will hurt, but I do have the strength to survive.

3. Plan for your future and make room for your dreams.

My dream is to live a creative life, and live that life as free from worries such as money and health as much as is possible. I need to develop an realistic plan that will make that dream come true.

4. Fall into your passions with full abandon and desire.

Passions are essential to a meaningful existence. My passions are jewelry, writing, and loving. I need to design and practice my jewelry-making passions; I need to indulge in my love of writing lyrical prose and telling stories; and I need to share my limitless capacity to love with the right person.

5. Eliminate all your worries and excesses.

A worry-free life is a content life. Excesses lead to troubles and worries. For me this means means managing my spending and my debt. I'm doing good with that. Though there are times when I could do better!

6. Cultivate a cause and support it in whatever way you can.

This is something I need to do, as I have never been much of an activist, or a champion of issues. But it would enrich my life, and myself, to take on a meaningfulness that exists outside of myself. I need to think on this: what issues mean enough to me to fight for?

7. Learn. Cultivate curiosity. Seek out knowledge. Open your senses.

My brain needs stimulous to feel alive. It needs sights and scents, tastes and textures. It needs to make connections and create patterns. It needs to understand what it senses. And beyond that, it--I--needs to know the how and the what and the why. Neurons firing and synapses connecting, processing information and new understandings--such makes the world new everyday, and life becomes an adventure. But its impossible to learn if my mind is wrapped up in its own cocoon of shadowed thoughts.

I must cultivate an open mind and open senses. Still the I and let the Eye dominate.

8. Eat well. Eat mindfully. Eat happy.

As I have once explained at length in this post:

"...Food has always been a emotional comfort to me (which is as it should be--if eating were a an unpleasant, dreadful task, we would avoid eating....The joy of eating is part of the healthy mind.) But experience has taught me that certain foods do not sit well inside my body; the more so as I grow older, and the more I realize that the more of certain foods I consume, the less healthy I feel, even if the consumption of that food brings me a transient joy."

I need to eat foods that make me happy, both physically and emotionally, and avoid the foods that make me ill. Moderation is key here, as it is in so many things.

9.Return all the gifts of love and joy you receive as gifts to those you love.

Nothing makes me happier than to know that I have made my dearest people happy. In so many ways, everything I do, and everything I hope to do, is to see them smile. It is in the little things I do; the teasings, the jokes, helping out with chores, saying yes instead of no.

10. Don't forget to pamper yourself.

There are certain private pleasures I need to indulge in to feel content. Bathing is my foremost indulgence. A long, steamy hot bath does much to wash away the day's cares, and uncoil muscles tight with tension. Chocolate is another. It is an emotional restorative in many ways--where a bath restores the body, chocolate restores my spirit.

2009-02-27T15:03:00.005-05:00

Another Interview

2009-02-27T15:03:00.004-05:00

Thanks go to Woozie for this batch. Wooz: finally, eh?

If you'd like me to interview you, just say so in the comments and you'll get personalized questions from yours truly!

1. Of course I don't really know the status of your arms but if they had noticeable (but not ridiculous amounts of) hair on them, would you shave them?

No. Its bad enough I have to shave my legs. I should never have started.

2.If I showed up completely sober on your doorstep at 2 AM wearing nothing but a slightly transparent Soviet flag, what would you do?

First, I would panic at seeing a naked black dude, then I'd recognize your sweet drunk face, and take you inside for a cup of tea. And put clothes on you. And feed you eggs for breakfast at noon.

3. Lyrically speaking, do you have a favorite song? If so, why do you like it?

This was a hard one. Speaking lyrically--that is, the best lyrics ever--I'd have to say that today it would be "Faith of the Heart." Why? Because there a lot of hope, confiedence, and determination inbued in the words, and I find it very uplifting.

4. If you could make sexytime with any woman (yes, woman) who would it be and why?

The only reply I have to that is that I WOULDN'T. Sorry ladies, I'll french ya and fondle yer boobs, but touching another woman's love tunnel kinda grosses me out. And having another woman touch my love tunnel grosses me out just a little less.

5. How happy would you be if I let you call me girlfriend?

I'd be so estactic, I'd give you strawberries and chocolate fondue and go shopping for sex toys with you! SO CAN I???
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Ten on Tuesday

2009-02-24T10:11:00.001-05:00

Today's 10 on Tuesday list meme is to list one's favorite 10 ethnic foods. Mine, in order of favoriteness, are:

1. Sushi; norimakisushi to be precise. I like trying out the house special rolls.

2. Indian; Chicken Tikki Masala with buttered naan.

3. Russian; Beef Stroganoff with a glass of White Russian

4. Mexican; Any good, overstuffed burrito not from Taco Bell.

5. Chinese; General Tso's Chicken

6. Japanese; Somen salad--a chilled rice noodle salad made with fresh veggies and tossed with a soy-sesame dressing

7. French; Coq au Vin

8. British; Mulligatawny Soup

9. Italian; Bolongese over fettucine

10. Greek; Stuffed grape leaves and baklava

Breaking up to '90s music

2009-02-23T22:39:00.000-05:00

Way back in the early '90's, when I had just become a teenager (and good lord, was I ever that young?) I went through a music-video-watching phase, where I would stay up late watching MTV, VH1, and CMT soaking up lyrics and whatever I could of the music.

Every once in a while my mind flashes back to those times and remembers some songs I once loved. The songs always seem to come triggered by some emotion or event or happenstance in my life.

During the past year, while Brian and I went through that long, torturous dissolution of our relationship, I would get the following songs (specifically these parts of the songs) stuck as earworms in my head. Now I am mildly awed at how there is a song for every emotion and circumstance of human experience. Is this what makes the Hearing so addicted to music--the affinity to experience that music holds?

In any case, these following are the songs I remembered at the various stages of my breakup. I admit to feeling a faint embarrassment to share this, but I do wish to share some part of how I was thinking and coping in the past year.

Stage one: Confusion:
Extreme: "More Than Words"

"Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
Its not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know..."

Stage two: Discovery/Denial
The Police: "Every Breath You Take"

"...Since you've gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace

I keep crying baby, baby, please...

Oh, can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every breath you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you..."

Stage three: Acknowledgment:
Paula Abdul: "Cold Hearted"

"...Girl dont play the fool--now
You're the one givin up the love
Anytime he needs it
But you turn your back and then he's off
And runnin with the crowd
You're the one to sacrifice
Anything to please him
Do you really think he thinks about you
When he's out?

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes
Oh oh oh
He's been tellin lies
He's a lover boy at play
He dont play by rules
Oh oh oh
Girl dont play the fool--now..."

Stage four: Anger:
Tina Turner: "Goldeneye Theme"

"...You'll never know,
how I watched you from the shadows as a child
You'll never know,
how it feels to be the one who's left behind
You'll never know the days and the nights,
the tears, the tears I've cried
But now my time has come
and time, time is not on your side

...You'll never know,
how I watched you from the shadows as a child
You'll never know,
how it feels to get so close and be denied

It's a gold and honey trap,
I've got for you tonight
Revenge is a kiss
this time I won't miss,
now I've got you in my sights
With a golden eye..."

Stage five: Resolution:
Faith Hill: "But I will"

"Remember when I said, "The next time would be the last time"
That time came this mornin' when you came in
You always had a line to change my mind
So I guess you thought I'd just let you break my heart again

I don't want to stop lovin' you, but I will
I don't like wakin' up alone, but I will
You're the only one who can make my heart stand still
I don't want to let you go, but I will..."

An ancient custom revived

2009-02-18T15:57:00.000-05:00

In ages past, the first blogs were known as "weblogs" and it was the geek's/nerd's intent to establish a record of websites visited and the response that site elicited within him/her.

In honor of that ancient custom, today I present a log of websites I have visited today, during the wee slow hours of my tedious labors.

25 forms of villiany

Intro to modern lit theory

For the wordy wordsmiths among us, tell those literary minimalists to STFU!

Bonsai!

I'm hungry and there are rules?

In other news, crazy day at work. Our supplies were stuck in Memphis overnight and most of the day due to first weather then technical problems. Where we usually get our work for the day and next morning by 10:30 am, today everything arrived at 2:00 pm. And 90 percent of it had to be done today, due to a priority turn-over of 24 hours. I'm pooped. And now I'm off to job number 2.

Yay me.

Update and Interviewed

2009-02-17T10:31:00.001-05:00

Okay, I am now settled in with my sister's family, who have taken me in for my own good, to help me find my own way and my own place. The move went well--quick and smooth. All my stuff is now in storage. My cat and my sister's cat are still trying to negotiate a mutual co-existence. It seems to be going ok, though who can say with cats?

On my mind now is getting a haircut, saving money, possibly getting that tattoo, and meeting new people and having fun again. I am also retraining my mind to obsess over my creative pursuits instead of relationship troubles and bottled-up words.

A while ago, Ian sent me five interview questions for me to answer here, and now I have the focus and ability to answer them:

1. What in your mind is the greatest piece of art ever created by human hands?

This is a difficult question for me to answer because I don't really think of art that way. I don't even have a favorite, though there are pieces of art that I admire more than others, for various reasons, but I don't think of any of them as great. I also don't think "great" art even exists--it has never existed, and will never exist. Art is always building up upon the works that came before it--creative minds feed successive creative minds, and all works are a memetic unit of a larger cultural evolution. This evolution has no purpose or aim; it is directionless and random. Greatness is an illusory ambition. Artists simply seek to survive as artmakers. And it is the fittest, not the greatest, that survive to reproduce, and create more art for future generations to build upon.

That being said, there is one particular work that stands out in my mind--and that is due entirely to its emotional resonance, not any inherent greatness.
That work is Henri Rousseau's "Tiger in the Storm."

2. Who is your favorite author and why? (Note: don't say it's me! Lol)

For the same reasons stated above, I don't have a favorite author. There are writers whose specific works or oeuvre I admire for various reasons. Refer to my 25 Writers post for specific examples. I was asked in the comments of that post how those works influenced me. The answer to that also will serve as the answer to this question:

These writers influence me simply by standing out in my mind as being memorable and worthy of emulation. It is mood, theme, texture, lyricism, and drama that gets to me, and all of these works--even the non-fictions--carry these literary tasks well. Whether the works are light or dark, fiction or nonfiction, there is a subtlety and maturity in the narrative voices that I find very effective in terms of emotional and intellectual impact, and I do strive to imbue those same characteristics in my own writing.

3. Your house is on fire and you only have time to save five things. What are they?

Well aside from the obvious non-material things such as family members and pets, these five things are:

My computer. My whole life, professional, financial, creative, and personal is contained in those silicon chips. It would be very hard to return to a sense of normalcy without access to those things.
My wallet. I will need access to my money when I struggle to get back on my feet.
My hearing aid. Its hard to function outside of my home without my hearing aid. There's a reason why its called an "aid", after all. Plus, it isn't cheap. $1500 a pop isn't easy to come by.
My Blackberry. It is my only connection to humanity beyond face-to-face contact. In this world, you need a phone to survive. This is the best phone I can use, and it, like a hearing aid, is damn expensive to replace.
An extra sweater and a clean pair of undies. It sucks to be cold and grimy.

4. You win an all-expenses-paid trip anywhere in the world. Where do you go?

I would take a long Mediterranean cruise aboard an adults-only boat. OR I would stay at an adults-only Caribbean beach resort like Sandals.

5. You can change one single event in the past to a different outcome. What do you do?

The easy answer would be that I would have left Brian sooner, when I learned conclusively that he had no intentions of honoring me, when I knew he was cheating on me.

I'm sure I will have a different and better answer when events are no longer so fresh in my mind.

....

Thank you, Ian, for these questions. And don't think I have forgotten that you owe me some, Woozie!

The Weird

2009-02-12T09:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday temperatures climed to 58 degrees, in mid-Feburary! Today will be windy and rainy at a balmy 47 degrees. Again, in med-Feburary!
The soda machine at work hates me. I swear to god! Usually, after plugging in my $.75 and pushing the selection button, it will vomit out my drink with no problem, but sometimes, at random moments, it will hold my soda within its gaping maw, refusing to release my refreshments. I put my money in, I make my selection, it pushes out my can from the holding apparatus within it, and a loud thunk comes from it, like its supposed to, but the damn soda won't come out of its hole. Instead, it comes out LATER, for some damn lucky bastard who gets two sodas for the price of one.

And of all the 50 people that work here, IM THE ONLY PERSON IT DOES THIS TO!
I had a strange dream involving a bordello having a sort of fundraising night involving country fair games. I was wearing red heels. Later, I dreamt of a stolen wallet and three-way anal sex with Alec Baldwin and some blonde dude. Baldwin was in the middle.

25 Writers

2009-02-09T10:44:00.000-05:00

I got this from Ian via Facebook.

The orginal instructions:
List the names of the 25 writers who have influenced you in the "Write Note" box, then post and tag your friends. Author Raymond Benson started this meme -- so tag him, too, when you tag your 25 friends who appreciate fiction and poetry or other writing.

As always, I don't do tags, so if you are interested in doing this, feel free to tag thyself.

I have also added the specific work(s) from these authors that influenced me.

1. Stephen R Donaldson-"Reave the Just and Other Tales."
2. Edgar Allen Poe-"The Tell-tell Heart" and "The Bells."
3. Robert Jordan-the first half of The Wheel of Time epic.
4. J R R Tolkein-"The Hobbit"
5. Mercedes Lackey-The Heralds of Valdemar series
6. Tamora Pierce-the Song of the Lioness quartet
7. Tanith Lee-"When the Clock Strikes"
8. Amy Tan-"The Joy Luck Club"
9. David Eddings-"The Belgariad"
10. C Dale Britain-Wizard of Yurt series
11. Robert A Heinlein-"Glory Road" and "By His Bootstraps."
12. Terry Pratchett-"The Color of Magic" and "Small Gods."
13. Piers Anthony-Xanth series
14. Raymond E Feist-"Magician"
15. Richard Preston-"The Hot Zone"
16. Fydor Dostevsky-"Crime and Punishment"
17. Ursula K LeGuin-"Those Who Walk Away from Omelas"
18. Ray Bradbury-"Farenheit 451"
19. Marc Haddon-"The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime"
20. Audrey Niffenneger-"The Time-Traveler's Wife."
21. T S Eliot-"Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock" and certain passages from "The Wasteland"
22. Robert Browning-"The Last Duchess"
23. Malcolm Gladwell-"Outliers"
24. Daniel Quinn-The Ishamael quartet
25. Matt Ridley-"Genome"

Splitsville

2009-02-04T10:26:00.002-05:00

Those of you who have access to my facebook account may now noticed that I have listed myself as single.

Brian and I are splitting up.

Its been a long time coming: everything between us is why my blogging has sucked. Maybe I'll talk about the details of all the shit that I went through, but I dont know that I need to talk about all this quite yet.

But to keep a long story short, he has been cheating on me since the Spring, Ive known since late Summer and never confronted him about it until the other day. Now it is all open, I'm moving out next week, and I'm an emotional ball of grief, anger, and relief. Im actually glad I dont have to keep all this shit bottled up inside me anymore!

But I'm majorly stressed out right now. Events are snowballing very rapidly.
I'll be blogging when I can.

Thursday Thunks

2009-01-29T15:17:00.002-05:00

I got these questions from Thursday Thunks, a meme site which I believe I shall make a part of my weekly blogging habit.

1. Have you ever felt alone, but yet there are people around you?
Everyday. It goes with being deaf, I think. Its not always a bad thing-sometimes its a pleasant experience, being aware of my essential separateness whilst being amongst others, and sometimes its not quite so pleasant, when I want to be a part of a larger entity.

2. Do you have any video game consoles? Which ones?
We do have a Wii, but it apparently stopped working recently. The power won't come on and we can't figure out why. Any geeks out there with insights?

3. Do you freak out at food warnings/outbreaks, such as the recent peanut butter salmonella scare?
Not at all. I absorb the warnings and become more cautious, but I generally trust in my social institutions to serve me as I need them to. Meaning I trust the regulatory agencies to catch the bad batches, the stores to yank them off the shelves, the culprits to clean themselves up, and the hospitals to provide adequate emergency care, should I need it. Mostly I trust my body's ability to care for itself, and my common sense in avoiding risky behavior and choices.
.
4. What color/pattern is your beds' comforter/bedspread?
Its a light blue and white, paired with brown sheets.

5. How many windows do you have in your house?
One large one for the main room, and two smaller for the bedroom. My apartment is small.

6. Name six things that are in your bathroom.

A litter box.
A plastic storage dresser.
A water bowl for the cat.
A striped bathmat.
A bottle of robitussin.
A jar of moisturizer.

7. How big is your garage? Should it be bigger?
I live in an apartment. I don't have a garage. I wish I did-then I could convert it into a studio.

8. Got your taxes done yet?
I got the federal taxes done, but I have yet to do my state taxes. I'm getting a nice rebate!

9. Think of a mental disorder..... why did you think of that particular one? First I thought of schizophrenia, then immediately after, bi-polar disorder. Even though they are two completely different diseases, sometimes they manifest in frightening similar ways. I know-- and know OF-- several people with it.

The line between avoidance and OCD is thin indeed

2009-01-26T07:19:00.001-05:00

For weeks now I've been intending to use my weekends as writing time, but I haven't done it, not a single word. Even though I wake up with the thought of what I need to and will write that day, once I get up and pee, all that goes out the window. I think instead of all the things I need to do: all the errands,the shopping, the people to see, the chores to do: even when I don't HAVE to do any of those things. Just when I think that 'now' might be a good time to sit and crank out a page or two, I think of something that should be done instead, and that I need to do it, else I won't focus on writing, knowing that, whatever it is, is hanging over my head.

And I know--KNOW--exactly what all this is: pure and simpe avoidance behavior, but I can't make myself stop.

The only writing I've been able to do is in that narrow span of time between 9 am to Noon at work. And I can't accomplish much there, with all the interruptions, but at least it sort of works for me.

I need to figure out how to translate the environment and circumstances at work to a weekend at home, and I get a headache just thinking about it. I think I"ll read the news instead.

Blogging by the Hour: Part Deux

2009-01-23T06:55:00.009-05:00

6:30 AM
Meh. Do I have to go to work today? Its too damn cold for this shit.

7:30 AM
Why are you driving the speed limit?! Honestly, who drives the speed limit?! GO!!!

8:30 AM
I wonder if its too late to ask my bosses for some time off for President's day? *fret* Sure wish I could travel some place warm, like Tuscan or even Houston...

9:30 AM
Free donuts, bagels, cream cheese (oooo, three flavors!) and coffee? What's the occaison? More to the point, who's trying to fatten us up?!
Even more to the point; do I care?...nom, no I don't think I do, nomnomnom.

10:30 AM
Reading this.

11:30 AM
*thinks about the throughline to her next writing project, a short story tentatively titled "Lord of Scale and Bone"*

12:30 PM
UGH! I've eatten too many carbs, and not the good kind. How many ways can one say "potty?"

1:30 post delayed due to professional obligations.

1:50
*excerpt* Brother Corwyn trudged in the mud, his feet the only part of him affected by the weeping sky.

2:30 PM
*loud high pitch squeal as metal vacuum head scrapes against linoleum tiles* GOD I hate that vacuum so bad!!!!!

3:30 PM
...Chicken, oranges, maybe grapes if the grapes look good, definitely need bananas, cat litter, and oh! Can't forget the baby-be-gone pills! What else do I need...

4:30 post delayed due to traffic conditions

5:00PM
Why does rush hour traffic have to suck so bad?

5:30 - 7:30 posts cancelled due to having a life.

8:30: T.V. Sucks balls tonight.