InfertileInsanity

2009-07-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

Just had final meds for the night. Pain is worse, probably partly due to my going to work. Can't help it, it's the first of the month, and we only get 5 sick days, 2 of mine are gone.
Tomorrow's my appointment. And I've been fine, just kind of in let's-find-out-what's-wrong-and-fix-it-asap-mode, until tonight. I watched a few episodes of LA I.nk on t.lc, where K.ate v.on D had cysts removed. And they mentioned the C-word. And that made me pause for a minute. Yikes. that never crossed my mind!! (Insert huge eye-roll here) I'm sure everything's gonna be fine, and it's probably (hopefully) easily fix-able, but it just makes ya think.
More news tomorrow night.

More Medical Stuff...

2009-07-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

So hubby called the doctor's office I visited Monday morning. I found out that said office did in fact attempt to contact me Monday evening, by leaving a message on my cell. Ya know, after we called them repeatedly from our HOME PHONE NUMBER!!!!!!!! Back to today... They "couldn't tell him anything" because I didn't "sign the Hip.pa release." Ya know, THE ONE THEY DIDN'T OFFER?!?! So she DID manage to tell him that she mailed a letter to me today (ARE you FREAKIN KIDDIN' ME???? Two days AFTER I rolled over and died, you MAIL a LETTER that I may or may not get tomorrow or Friday or next week??????????) She did manage to tell him that all she could say was I need to follow up with my gyn "in the next few weeks." Ya know, AFTER my funeral!!!!!!!!!

Sigh... So I'm not really dying, but c'mon. Their music was way too loud, they were more concerned about who did or did not want B.urger K.ing for lunch than any other patient, one of the nurses was yelling at the others about documentation errors, the flippin' doctor had no CLUE what was going on.... And now all that junk. Somebody is begging for a piece of my (currently, rather med.icated, in-pain and therefore slightly grouchy) mind.

So after 2 years, 2 months of ttc with known extreme male factor infertility, it looks like it's my turn. Yay. I would appreciate thoughts/prayers for Friday @ 3, when I see a *real* doctor. And can I just say, hydr.ocodon.e/ibupro.fen 7.5/2OO, plus half a pro.methaz.ine 25mg is quite the knock-out.

The Sad, Empty Uterus

2009-07-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

So first, I spent the better part of yesterday in doctor's offices and hospitals, and am full of painkill.ers, so if none of this makes sense, you know why. A dull, nagging ache in my lower left abdomen turned into oh-my-heavens-I-think-I'm-dying. Which led to vomitting and a monster migraine, probably from no Dr P.epper and eating 2 crackers all day.
Doc-in-a-box ordered a u/s, so I tried to pay attention. All I saw was a sad, empty uterus. We decided to use an OPK this month, so I was actually half-hoping for an ec.topic. Isn't it sad and somewhat twisted that I've made it to that point, that I would actually want an ec.topic, just so I would know it was actually possible for me to get pregnant? Not that I really knwe what I was looking for, but all I saw was emptiness. You know, except for my bladder that the girl kept pressing on. The current semi-diagnosis is o.varian c.ysts, but I couldn't get in to see my gyn until Friday afternoon.
Yet another sign to move on, ya think? We decide to "try" again (not that we've NOT been trying, mind you, but trying a little harder), and I end up in the ER. I'm not making any decisions while I'm awesomely medicated, but it seems like this may be the end of the trying. Does it make me a sissy that I would give up so easily? There are women who endure a lot more than 24 hours in doctors and er's. My hats off to all of you! I haven't really felt "good" in a long time. AF has gotten worse and worse in more ways than one. And now we're talking cysts. I'm thinking about talking to my gyn about throwing in the towel and going for a little bc. A sad place to be, but it will also free up a lot of time, space, pain, and some money for adoption. 10 months from yesterday... Time to quit trying to be reproductive, and start cleaning up and out my house and heart, to prepare for a little (or big) one that is extremely possible to come home.

The Dreaded Announcement, as always followed by the Dreaded Question

2009-06-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

So instead of coming home to clean house tonight like I'd planned, my older sister needed help with the boys. Of course I put my housework on the back burner (ugh, my house is gonna evict me one day soon!)
B-I-L's cousin came over while we were playing outside. (Former) d.rug addi.ct, who was worried about g.iving b.irth again simply because of the p.ain m.eds. You guessed it... She's expecting her second. Pardon me for not being thrilled, on so many levels. Thankfully the middle boy and his cousin were then tangled on the ground fighting over a toy, so the Fun A.unt went to break it up.
When I came back, my sister had resumed her flower planting, and I was really trying to avoid the Question(s) that follow The Announcement. My response was something like well, we don't really know.... Which is true, we don't really know, because adoption takes a long time. And we're still 10 months from applying. It always catches me off guard, and I'm never really prepared to give the answer I can type out so easily. That, and the computer won't ask me questions I'm not prepared to answer --- and if it does, I can turn it off, mull it over, and come back later! When I got home, hubby was on the phone with his aunt (the one with the new grandchild), who apparently has planned for all of us to get together Thurs. night to swim and eat. Hubby has a test to finish out his fire class, so he told aunt that he would come when he was finished, but that I would probably be more than happy to come when I got off work. Uh, thanks, dude. I just cried my way home, and now you're volunteering me to go hang out with in-laws with a new baby, who always bring up the subject of "So, you know it's YOUR TURN now!!!"
Sitting here staring at an empty container of B'en and Je'rry's cho.c fu.dge browni.e, wishing I had more than a few spoonsful. Kinda glad I don't, because I'm attempting to lose some weight again. Which is kinda impossible when you're already feeling down. Because darn it, maybe I can't make babies, but I can throw down on some food. And chocolate always helps.
Sigh.... I should be in bed right now, because the OPK says it's time... If I just had the energy. Ha. One day, I will have the energy, be skinny again, not pay attention to the time, have a clean house, AND smile and tell the truth when asked The Question. For now, I'll just make a stop and pick up some more ice cream tomorrow after work. My friends B.en and J.erry never ask me questions, or comment on my cycle, weight, or house.

So I'm a slacker...

2009-06-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

....Or just trying to survive, maybe? Headache Central around here. Since Sunday. You know, as in a week from tomorrow. It hasn't been this frequent for many years. I take the E.xcedr!n M.!graine, it goes away, and either later in that day or the next morning, it's back.
And I'm tired. And I want to sleep. And I di not want to clean house or wash dishes or regain order in my closet. Laundry is getting washed and dried, and dumped on the growing pile in the living room.
I have managed to play with most of the kids, and hubby is trying to help where he can.
Monday brings chaperoning to a theme-and-waterpark-rolled-into-one. I've basically got a 3-day weekend, followed by a 3-day week, then another 3-day weekend. Friday, we are closed, but hubby hsa to work. I keep telling myself that this is the day I will completely clean house, organize chaos, and even start cleaning out the spare room and trying to get rid of useless (to us) junk.
You know, if my head's not hurting.

Brief update...

2009-06-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

Baby out of body cast. Not walking yet, but crawling everywhere, and happy to move!!

VBS over... (6) 2-to-4-year-olds, and an 18-month-old. One teacher. (not me) One Mama. (not me again) One kid-wrangler. (that would be me) Seriously, I spent the week leaving work on time or late, going straight to the church, and picking up, holding, placing in the proper activity, etc, 6 or 7 kids for 2 and a half hours. I loved it, because they were (mostly) precious little ones and still liked to be held and needed help with motions at music time and loved crawling in my lap. It also made me know FO SHO I don't really want 6 of my own at the same age. Wait. I'm not even sure I want 6, total. 2 or 3 would be nice. You know, one at a time. But if God gave them to me all at once, it would be okay and we would make it.

Even the Fun Aunt has her limits... She slept in today, woke up with a swollen face/hands/feet.... And now it's time for some grown-up fun. Hubby and I have a rare day home together, with no plans and nobody extra to take care of. We're debating a trip to the zoo, but definitely making a trip to the Big City later, for ice cream treat only available at one place, and special dinner with mood lighting and no screaming, crying kids.

Peace out.

Burning Houses and Resolving IF

2009-06-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

No, they're not related... My sister left some oil on the stove and failed to turn it off yesterday. The whole house didn't really burn down or anything, but she needs a new stove, cabinets, all the food is fried, the ceiling and walls are black, there's a lot of damage throughout the house. So much for cleaning my house and getting organized and all that jazz. Last night, I was watching the 5-month and 5-year-old nephews at my mom's house, while making homemade lasagna for my sister-in-law and her kids. Whew. Shout out to all the Mama's that do such stuff on a regular basis. Insurance should cover most stuff, but they're rather displaced for a while. The important thing is everyone is okay.
Resolving IF.... This has been on my mind for a while.And Mel from Stirrup Queens has been blogging about it. I told my sister-in-law months ago that before I became a Mama, I wanted and needed to be okay with NOT being Mama. My initial thought when given hubby's D'x was, "Well, we'll just adopt!" It didn't take me long to learn that "just adopt"-ing wasn't going to "fix" alllllllll those other issues with our lack of reproduction. And not that "just adopt"-ing is as simple as I would like. Ha. haha. hahaha.
Regardless of how smooth adoption goes, the adoption experience comes with its own matching set of luggage. If you start out on a trip with a lot of baggage, knowing you'll be adding more on the next leg of the trip, you're gonna get bogged down. You can't make it through the airport. Or maybe you can make it, but it will take multiple trips through the same winding hallways. Or maybe some important things get left behind. Or trampled on. It's so much easier to keep the baggage to a minimum from the beginning.
So we have less than 11 months before we can start any paperwork. We're not making any major decisions this soon. I think my time would be better spent not on keeping up with every little change in every little country, but in working on myself and getting rid of some baggage. Ideally, I'd love just one trip with no checked luggage, please. :)

Ready to Parent

2009-06-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

In the midst of Body Cast Boy, another nephew had some major (but outpatient) surgery involving his throat (don't want it g.oogl.ed, you can figure it out). And my older sister and b-i-l had to go out of town about 3 hours away, for some on-the-job-t.eaching stuff. My sister was going to have all 3 boys (ages 5 & 3 years and 5 months) mostly by herself, so my mom and I volunteered to tag-team the baby. She kept him while I was at work, and I got him in the afternoons and he spent the night for 3 nights. It was a little daunting at first, here's a little guy I'm totally responsible for, and for 3 days??? I thought I would be ready for him to go home...
(You know where this is going, right?) I wanted to be at the hospital for his cousin's surgery, so we packed up and went. Mommy picked up her little dude from our parents' home later that afternoon... Everybody went home to rest and recover from trips and surgeries and baby-sitting... I go home, sat on the couch, and wondered what to do next. There was no little squirmy fellow wanting a bottle. Nobody wanted to be held, or put on the blanket in the floor to play. No bottles to fix, no diapers to change, no breathing to listen for, no squeals and chatter. I was lost!!!
I'm pretty sure that's a good sign I'm more and more ready to parent. Granted, 3 days isn't an incredible amount of time, and it was only 1 little guy who couldn't get into anything, but more than ever I desire a little one in our house permanently.

Where have I been? Entertaining Body Cast Boy!!

2009-05-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

A week ago yesterday, my almost-18-month-old nephew fell while playing in the nursery at church. Here is a list of other nephews I thought would brek a bone first, and why...
**The Little Monkey, my older sister's middle child, who will climb on anything and everything. He also acts just. like. ME... Perfect, of course! :)
**The Big Dude, my older sister's oldest boy, who is just rough and tough and bigger than some second graders, even though he'll just be in Kindergarten in the fall.
**The Little Loner, my younger sister's son, because he isn't wathced closely enough, and likes to wander and get into things.
**The Newest Baby, my older sister's youngest, probably because the above mentioned 3 either fell/stepped/jumped on him (by accident, of course), or when he was older, they told him to do something or they would call him a baby.
NEVER did I EVER think the First Broken Bone award would go to hubby's sister's kids, The Princess Niece or the Handsome Prince, as they are the calmer of the 6. However, the HP is in a body cast, from just below his chest, to his ankle on his right leg, and just above his knee on his left leg. The boy needs entertainment, and can only be put in his "fat baby" car seat (which cost $500!!!), which he's not very fond of, because you have to strap him in it. The Princess informed me one night that it was time for the two of us to have some alone-time reading books in her room.
So, I have been busy. Not at home, definitely not blogging. Cast comes off June 17. No promises I'll be back till then!
Oh yeah... And I did finally get a new car. It's an '09 H..onda C))ivic. Brand new, not because I refuse to buy used, but because it was about $2,000 more expensive than an '06 with 19,000 miles. Not much payment difference for a new one, eh? I love it!

Well... I made it.

2009-05-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

M-Day is over... I did go to church, but only because I felt like our pastor's family needed some support. I slept in a little, skipped Sunday School and a lesson on Hannah. I made myself go to the worship service, and I did so-so until my niece and s-i-l got up and sang a special. I went into robot-mode through the sermon, as it was pretty much on how to be a good mother (and wife, but mainly mother)... Then it was rough again at the end.
Our church is so good about praying for each other. At the end of a service, if someone is facing a new cancer diagnosis or upcoming surgery or illness or whatever, everyone gathers around that family, and we take turns praying. If you're a contemporary Christian fan and you've heard Mark Schultz's Cloud of Witnesses, that's a perfect picture of our church. So we gathered around our pastor this time, and his wife and all of the family that was present. There was not a dry eye in the place. Our pastor and his wife are both so incredibly strong. They are just leaning on Jesus through this, trusting God to heal her, either in this life or in Heaven. It makes me want to slap myself -- comparatively speaking, what I'm going through is nothing.
However, pain is pain, ya know? It's been a rough week so far... We didn't really have any peft-over food (darn it!) from Sunday lunch, but I've had plenty of left-over emotion to deal with. And the fostering classes we were considering? Not gonna work out right now, they wanted to do the classes in the early afternoon, and hubby can't get off work. Another bummer, man, and I'm just trying to hang on.
But I guess it's like he said this afternoon, apparently God is trying to tell us this is not what we need right now. I'm getting weary from being told "Wait," or "No," or "But/Except" everywhere I turn. I know God can move the obstacles out of the way, but sometimes He leaves them in place, too. To teach us to trust, to wait, to be patient. And so, the waiting continues...

Happy M-Day, if it applies to you... If not, have some 0re0's

2009-05-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

...That's what I had for breakfast. Yeah, good weight loss plan, ya think? ;) I followed it up with 30 minutes of w!! fit, does that count? (Not even close... I had more than a couple cookies) Hubby is at some bluegr@ass all-day concert thing, b/c the fire dept was cooking for it. I could've went, it's about 5 minutes away from home, but I'm hiding out this weekend. I slept in, got online until the puter froze, did some w!! fit, and here I am again. Wedding for a church-person starts in about 15 minutes or so, I'm not going to that, either. Church plans for tomorrow are still in the air. I know we'll be eating one meal with my parents (and sisters and b-i-l's and 4 nephews) and one meal with his parents (and sister and b-i-l and 1 niece and nephew), and I'll smile my way through it and play with kids and fake it 'till I make it. With plenty of chocolate, mac&cheese, and other comfrot foods. Bring on the w!! fit for about a million minutes.
I'm wallowing, okay, I admit it. And maybe I feel kind of guilty about that, in light of a slap in the head to bring on a new perspective.

We found out yesterday that our pastor's wife is dying. Her cancer has come back, and is basically taking over her body, with the exception of about 2 organs. They've been told to enjoy the time they have left. She's such an awesome lady, and I hate to see this happen to the whole family. Both daughters are grown with children, and thinking about the youngest of those babies not ever knowing their grandmother tears my heart out. I don't even want to think about losing my parents, but I know that eventually that day will come.

So that kind of yanks perspective back into its proper place. I'm not dying. I'm not sick. I will eventually be a Mama somehow, someday, some WAY.

It seems like that should help, that should get my butt up OFF this chair and OUT of this house, but the thought of having to put on my happy face and pretend all is well, just isn't happening for me this weekend. I'm not up to facing the questions, the comments, the recognizing-of-mothers. I think I'll stick around with my 0re0's.

364 days from now...

2009-05-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

...We will be able to submit applications to adoption agencies!! It feels good to finally be able to say "less than a year from now," if only to myself. It's just the little boost I need to get to work on this house. I'm even thinking about posting some before/after pictures as we make some progress on de-cluttering this little place. Depends on how long it takes, because we DO still live in the dino-land of dial-up... But living where we do, there aren't really any other (affordable) options. I'll take that :) Even though faster surfing would (theoretically) mean more time to get our house ready for little ones... You know, since we're less than a year away from home-study-central! :)

That's Better......

2009-05-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

So... AF lets me know she's coming with a horrid migraine. She now lets me know she's leaving (like I didn't already know, she's usually very predictable, darn it) with a MONSTER migraine than makes the horrid migraine feel like a... a... something-you-barely-feel. Sorry, it's that post-migraine fog that keeps me from focusing or thinking (or seeing) straight. Big words (or even proper words at all) go right out the window. So how am I feeling chipper after an all-day, 4-excedr!n-migraine monster?
Skating.
Yes. I did.
As in 4 wheels on each foot (because I'm way too old-school for the in-line kind), do-the-wipe-out, skating... And while I actually sat out on the wipe-out song, I must say I did have one good wipe-out. Oh, I didn't just fall... I ROLLED across the floor AFTER I fell. Like a tumbleweed. All 100-and-none-ya-bidness-pounds of me just rollin'....
The kids from church went, mostly the 12-and-under-crowd. Mostly my girls' class I (help) teach (mostly on my own now) (without knowing in advance I'll be by myself) (which means I come up with a lesson, well, when we get to class) (but I'm not bitter at all about the other teacher not even calling to let me know she's not coming) and the boys' class of the same age. And Niece got to experience skating for the first time. And well, let's just say my dad raised 3 girls, so we were his boys, too, and we're all three a tad bit competitive. Just a little. Which explains how I fell. And I kicked some air hockey hiney, to boot. Yes, put me in the same space as 12-year-old boys, and I become.... well, a 12-year-old boy, minus thr gross sounds and smells eeking from their bodies.
NOW..... Yes, I do indeed realize that I will pay for all this fun and acting like I'm 12 again tomorrow... In fact, I hurt already, in places I forgot could hurt. But it was fun. And I won. And I laughed and smiled more tonight than I have in a long time.

I definitely should NOT get rid of this blog...

2009-05-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I'm just so d#$% sad, and I can't shake it. I know it's some combination of AF, next week's holiday, all the kid-birthday-party-weekends we've had recently, all that jazz. Our anniversary is in a few days -- we're just close enough (12 months and 3 days, not that I'm counting) to kind of get the adoption ball rolling, but not close enough to really do any paperwork. Deciding on a country? A lot can happen in a year. The foster thing, so far, isn't working out, because not enough people in our county were interested.
I've had 2 pieces of some awesome chocolate cake @ my m-i-l's for lunch, and 2 scoops of B&J's chocolate fudge ice cream, and I still managed to get tears in my eyes on the way home. I want to cry... I want to just lay down and have a good, hard cry, like I used to have before all this if-crap started. Oh, I was a crier in elementary and high school, and somewhat in college. Then over the years, something has happened through if-land. I now react in one of a few ways... I zone out, just staring into space and ignoring everything around... I bite my lip until I practically (hey, sometimes literally, okay?) run to the restroom, where I stay until either everyone leaves, or I get angry and force myself to calm down, find my happy place, and just deal with it until I can be alone.... Or I run away -- run(literally) home from the church during a shower, disappear out a back or side door, slip away to my car and quietly leave.... Or I shut down any and all emotion, get really quiet, attempt to brave a smile when needed, and promise myself I can cry later, when it's more convenient. All very good, healthy coping mechanisms, huh? (NOT!!!!!) It seems that I have now made it to a point where somehow, "later when it is more convenient" never comes, because by the time "later" arrives, I've basically just went into shut-down mode.
Looking ahead to next week's Sunday School lesson... It's on Hannah, focusing on the vow she made to God -- that she would give her son back to God, if only He would allow her to bare a son. My mind immediately goes to Hannah, focusing on how she was so deep in her grief, that the men thought she was drunk as she prayed and begged God to bless her with a son. Why don't I let people see my emotions more often? I'm tired of giving these flippant answers and excuses when asked why we haven't started trying to have kids, or when we're going to start a family, etc. Why, instead of "We're just not ready yet," can't I say "Well, that's not really happening so easily for us!" Or instead of "I'm too busy playing with 6 niece/nephews to have my own," couldn't I say "I keep myself busy with these awesome kiddos, because we can't have our own, and we can't adopt for another year." When I'm asked why I quit singing in the choir, instead of "I just needed a break," can I not say "It just hurts too much to look out and see all the families and little kids sometimes." It would be a perfect opportunity to open up and share about our struggles and our plans to adopt, during this lesson next week, but will I instead find myself staying at home avoiding it, or running to the bathroom or running back home?

What to do with this blog....

2009-04-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

I've thought about just shutting it down. I'm done with being the ranting, raving, grieving, crying, left-out-feeling infertile, barren woman. I'm tired of focusing on what I *can't* do (make babies), and want to instead focus on what I *CAN* do (long list, including be the best aunt ever and prepare my house for "one day" when it does need to be child-proof)....
I don't want to just get rid of everything... That whole you never know when your blog just might actually help someone thing.... And if it's still here, I can come back and re-visit the places I have been.... And as much as I would like to just be finished with the whole IF world, I'm just not quite there. When I finally got rid of a migraine tonight, instead of going to bed, I started scrubbing the tub -- unplanned physical labor usually means I'm trying to avoid my own thoughts. Usually something like tub-scrubbing is a planned cleaning activity. So I was scrubbing (something that actually requires less activity and time since I discovered the magic eras*r and only use the scr%bbing bu*bles for the bath mat now!) and thinking... Duh, mother's day is coming up... And even though I'm more at peace with IF and trying to focus less on I'm-not-a-mama and more on I-will-be-a-great-one-sometime-in-the-future, that's still a hard one. I'm not one for skipping church -- even with a busting migraine that should put me in bed, I still go -- but for the first time on that holiday, I'm probably staying home. Baby dedications are always that Sunday at our church, and there are triplets at my sister's church to be born any day now, and my other sister's church is full of babies.
So.... I'm wanting to focus on the good things, the positives. That's not really what this blog has been about, but I'm trying to get there. I guess it's kind of a transition-mode, but I started a new blog that is open to our friends and family, for the adoption part of our lives. battlesforadoption(dot)blogspot(dot)com, if you're interested. So what should I do with this blog? Suggestions appreciated.

Tennis elbow flare-up, warmer weather, and work, oh my!!

2009-04-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

So none are really related to each other... Well, maybe the tennis elbow kind of ties them all up in a not-so-pretty package, like getting underwear for Christmas. But ya know....
Old softball injury... How 'bout I just read somewhere that this problem usually affects people like more than 30 years older than myself. Okay, it mentioned people in their 30's, too, but it was the upper 30's and I'm on the down-hill slope of the 20's. I don't know if it's the rainy weather, or holding the baby nephew while I took a nap, or the massive amount of pills I've been packing @ work recently, or just because I'm old. But it hurts, thus no bloggage.
Warmer weather equals less computer time, because I'm outside playing with nephews/niece; playing with hubby; playing with a friend; or playing by myself. So when it's dark, I have to clean. Or sleep. Thus, no bloggage.
Work has been a %$#@& this week. I'm not supposed to be the driver anymore, but ever afternoon I've been making deliveries this week. And it's not stopping tomorrow. The good news is, I've just been popping in the P&W cd's and trying to sit back and enjoy the ride. We're hiring another driver in the next week or two, so the current driver can make local deliveries and the new one can make the long-distance trips. And I can stay in the pharmacy and get more tennis elbow, but I'll take it, because I don't really have time to drive all over creation. I've been getting in 2-4 hours later than usual. Thus no bloggage.
Going to eat supper, take some NSA!D$, and go to bed. Tomorrow's fun includes being @ work early, making deliveries again, going to a minor league baseball game. Saturday looks like yard-saleing, 5-year-old b-day party, and baby-sitting the night away. Sunday looks like church, lunch, big fat nap, more church, eating with friends, and collapsing in bed.
More to come, some time.

Temporarily on Pause

2009-04-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like someone has stepped into my life and hit the Pause button. I guess it's the combination of a migraine since waking up Saturday, the ending of a holiday weekend, not really knowing where we're going next with the possibility of fostering, maybe some other stuff that's not front-and-center on my mind right now?? I NEED to be up and cleaning house. Especially, if, you know, there's a social worker coming sometime to be determined. Please understand... My house is NOT nasty, the most important things stay relatively clean most of the time. However, child-proof, it is not. Social-worker ready, it is not. Any-company-besides-hubby-and-I-ready, it is not. And a friend is probably stopping by later this week. I should be cleaning off the table, finishing the laundry I have no problem starting, getting our bedroom back in shape by hanging up and putting away clothes. The spare bedroom we use as storage space needs to be cleaned out, straightened, and we need a major yard sale. I really would like new shades/blinds/curtains/something, but for now, the blinds we have need to be cleaned.
Instead, I sit here in front of the computer, sometimes checking out a few blogs, sometimes just staring blankly at the screen. I need to make a post on my other, newer blog that is supposed to be weekly. I click over there, though, and stare again. I have no idea where to go next, because we don't really know where we're going next! I have lots of posts in my head, but which one should come next? I should go take a walk, but I sit here frozen in place instead. It's gotta be all the goings-on recently.
Like Easter, spent with my family for lunch and his for dinner. I did great most of the day. I was glad that I decided NOT to go up and sing with a little group we have going on, because I wouldn't have maintained composure if I'd tried to sing. I was trying to decide if I was going to puke from my migraine, and didn't want to have to run off stage because of that. Anyway. I was basically fine until we got home. We walked in to an empty, quiet house. There are times I enjoy my quiet house, like in the mornings when I can kind of think and plan my day and focus only on a calm start to my usually-frazzled day. This morning, though, I didn't even want that. The quiet got on my nerves.
Like the migraine from Hades. I usually have 2-3 a month, but every few months I get like I am currently. Horrendous migraine that eventually takes over my entire head, and lasts for DAYS. Oh, it comes and goes, but mostly, it just stays and stays and STAYS. And sometimes regardless of how long it has been around, the day after it ends or maybe a little bit before if it's a multi-day one, I get a little spacey. Staring into space, can't think straight, focus is out the window for sure. I'm hoping this is the light at the end of the tunnel for this migraine.
Like the fostering thing... I'm leaning more towards than away, not sure about hubby, because he's been working late. He wonders if I can handle it when the kids go back to their home environment; I say I can't stand this house to be so quiet and empty of children for another 2 years at least. I need someone to take care of. Sure, I get my niece or nephews and their moms know they won't have to do a thing if I'm around, but I want one or two in MY HOUSE that are MY RESPONSIBILITY. I am such a mother hen, and well, hubby kind of looks at me funny if I try to cut up his steak. We need to make a final decision and go with it.
And speaking of hubby's job... He is (possibly) moving to another office (somehwere)... He was offered a job closer to home (20-30 minute drive compared to an hour, and as close to home as you can get when you live out in the sticks), they said he was who they wanted for the job, he'd be great there, blah blah blah... That was Friday morning. They wanted an answer by Friday afternoon, and he would start Monday. Then Friday afternoon, they called and said no, we want you to take the job in another office (for a little less money than the first offer, but conveniently within walking distance of MY office!) and start next week. So he decided to take the second offer. Yesterday, they came back and said he could have the first offer, because the other lady turned it down. He couldn't be out of his current office yesterday, because he had to write up and fire someone. He found out yesterday that at least through this week, he will be at his current office, and isn't really sure where he is going next. Close to me would be great -- we could car pool most days, save some money there, and we've always worked so far apart, it would just be grand to be that close.
So. I'm gonna try to shake off this fog, do some cleaning, ponder my next adoption blog post, and maybe we'll see how that goes.

It all started with escaping a little bee sting.....

2009-04-09T17:33:00.001-07:00

I've been quiet, because I didn't have anything good (positive) to say. :) My car is on the fritz more so than it was... I almost didn't make it to my sister's house across the mountain Saturday. So hubby and his dad go pick up my car to "tinker" with it (made me reallllllly nervous. I want MY DADDY to fix things! Some things never change, huh?) ;) On their way home, hubby's truck starts making some weird noise. It's in the shop. It could cost a couple hundred, or a couple thousand to get it fixed, depending on whether or not the motor has to be removed. Add in a $600 dentist bill (and that's just the remaining balance), unknown amount on my car, I actually just need a NEW car that we've been looking at, a credit card bill that we would really like to see paid off SOON, the satellite we just "had" to have, and probably some other things I'm forgetting, and you end up with lots of arguing and me spending one night one the couch. And AF showed up Monday. Just to make things easier and me happier.
But it's getting better. AF is gone. We're sleeping in the same bed and speaking nicely to each other again. It all started with a pesky little bee. Well, we started playing nice before that but... I'm getting gas yesterday after work. Something buzzes past me and lands on my back. I ignore it, then think "What if it's a bee?" I shake my shirt a little and.... The unknown insect goes down my pants!!! I can't rid myself of the pants outside. I don't want to sit down. So I get in the SUV (driving my mom's) and can feel it, careful not to sit on that side. I shake my pants and do a little dance, and it finally flies/falls out the leg. It IS a BEE!!!!! To which I am ALLERGIC!!!! And it didn't sting me. Amazing. I'm guessing God knew I couldn't handle anymore bad, so he gave me some relief.
Hubby called me today. While he was at work. This does NOT happen. I call him. He was offered a job in a different office, a considerable promotion at a larger branch. Much closer to home. 55 miles to 19 miles away is pretty good. The pay increase solves the issue of whether or not I should take on a second job or try to find a better-paying one. Praise the Lord, God is good!! I was feeling a little (okay, a LOT) defeated -- just when I thought I had kicked IF in the booty and was handling things nicely, satan decided to mess with our finances. Then God kicked HIM in the booty and said "You can't mess with them!" I shall celebrate by cooking breakfast for supper (bacon, eggs, biscuits, and homemade gravy, baby!), and cleaning the tub. We really know how to celebrate around here. :)

Wishing Dr G00gle was a little more clear.....

2009-04-03T23:36:00.000-07:00

Sigh... And he's such a good doctor, huh? The only one in my life right now. I'm very loyal. (Or chicken?) Let's see... Since it's nearing 2am, we'll just say AF is supposedly 6 days away. Could be any time now, really. (Warning: TMI on the way) The girls have been VERY sore for a few days now. Like more sore than usual, and for more days than usual. I don't dare speak the "p" word, though. Not out loud. Cool trick, huh? Tired as usual, but then again, I haven't been getting a lot of sleep this week. Lower back pain more than normal for the time of the month. Not really nauseous per se, but definitely feel like I could puke early in the morning and late at night. I've been asked by more than 1 person why I've been getting so moody, and I've noticed it myself. Dr G00gle couldn't really seem to make his mind up. I could be, I could not be. But one things for sure. The girls are killin' me. Warned ya about the TMI.

Baby's here, it's all good...

2009-04-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

Whew. I've been wanting to post, but this is the first time I've sat down all week! The baby was born yesterday, healthy, everything's good... We went to see them last night, and I was okay. More than okay. No tears, and that full bladder I had for a valid excuse, was not needed. I **could** have cried, if I'd really wanted to, but I was fine. I thought to myself that our child-aquiring would look way different, but that's okay. I'm not gonna spend 3 days in the hospital, the only physical recovery for me will be jet lag, people will come to the airport instead of the hospital, and that's perfectly fine. I'm confident we're gonna get a baby one day. This is a good place that God has brought me to. I'm hoping I can hang out here for the duration of our wait. :)

The cousin is in labor (obviously, birthin' babies mentioned)

2009-03-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

We were at hubby's parents' house when their phone jingled around 11pm... Amazing we were there at that hour, strange they got a call at the hour. We had actually just dicsussed that if the cousin hadn't had the baby by Friday, she would be induced. The aunt said coming down tonight wasn't necessary, and they do not expect a baby until morning. (Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. I have enough niece/nephews to know how those things sometimes go!) Hubby and I both have to work tomorrow, and if it was a sister, we would call in, but for a cousin, well... Ya can't miss work for everyone, as bad as that sounds! Hubby has fire class tomorrow night, not sure if he'll miss it to go to the hospital. Part of me wants to bite the bullet and get the first visit outta the way before they come home (I can leave a hospital room with a lot more tact and hubby can stay more easily), or if we will wait because of time and logistics. (The hospital is over an hour away, in a big city I'm notorious for getting lost in)...... I did okay with the phone call and announcement, so we'll see. Cautiously optimistic about a visit, I guess. Honestly, I can't wait to hold a newborn and just drink in that smell and have a tiny little baby in my arms again. They get big so fast!!! It's the times when someone else is holding the babies that get me. The dad trying to figure out how to change a diaper, the grandmother taking care of her daughter and new grandchild, the proud first-time aunt showing off her niece. The questions and comments I know will come, at a time when I'm already doing my best to just hang on until I'm in the car.... Tears and rush hour traffic don't really mix too well!! For now, we'll pray for grace and mercy and do some deep breathing and finding of the happy place in the room. :)

Branching Out...

2009-03-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I am branching out! Yeah, yeah, 'bout time, I know... Couple of things!
Thing 1... Just shot an email to Mel at http://www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com about this blog and another, new blog. I've been lurking around and randomly clicking on some different blogs through her blog, and finally made the connection to hopefully get a little more involved. It's like stepping off of the diving board into a swim ring, dude. At the age of 27. Yes, it seems that ridiculous to me, too.

Thing 2... ******drumroll****** Introducing mine and hubby's new blog! ;) http://www.battlesforadoption(dot)blogspot(dot)com You'll find our real names, our first post, and so far, not a lot else. Workin' on it. Maybe some pics, definitely more info, possibly one day I'll learn to do that strike-through thingy I have always wished I could do. Please do click over and let me know what ya think... BUTTTTTTTTTT...... Please also remember that this blog, while public, is NOT read AT ALL by ANYONE I know IRL (to my knowledge)... Feel free to use our real names on the other blog, but please refrain from mentioning this blog over there. Hubby (as it turns out, after we worked on the new blog and had already sent messages to friends/family) isn't exactly ready for the world to know we're adopting, but is willing to do this because he knows I am so past ready. "We're adopting!" is one thing -- our specific diagnosis and all that involves is quite another. Please try to keep the 2 blogs separate. Think of it as 2 different people if ya need to! ;) Thanks for that, too. End disclaimer.

Misc: The regular allergy stuff isn't really helping a lot... Switching to the "D" kind tomorrow... Good-bye sleep for a few days... 'Twas a crazy day in the pharmacy, complete with a fill-in pharmacist on the busiest day of the week, lots of calls from out-patient mental health peeps and a visit to one's house and waking up 15 minutes before I needed to be out the door to start the day... And ending with a 10-year-old girl locking herself in the bathroom at church because she saw a grave of someone she may or may not have been related to, who died when she was just little, and it made her sad that she never knew him and she wondered what he was like and then some of the kids made fun of her for crying.... And it was raining, and we couldn't play outside and all the kids showed up on the same night for once.
All that to say::::: please pardon anything that makes no sense... Leave a comment, and I'll try to clarify when I can think straight again. ;)

I (and this snot) Need to get out of my head....

2009-03-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

My heart loves the extra daylight... My heart loves the beautiful blooming trees, flowers, plants, etc.... My sinuses, on the other hand, kind of have this hate thing going on... I'm thinking I'm gonna have to switch from generic C!aritin, to the "D" kind. I dunno, I've heard Muc!nex is good, too. But even generic is still more expensive than the first brand I mentioned... Given another day or two of all-day-long-nose-blowing, I may be willing to pay just about anything... It's supposed to rain tomorrow through the weekend, maybe some of this pollen will wash away!!!!

I need out of my head for a while. I usually accomplish this by playing with somebody's kids... But all this snot combined with too much thinking and the looming birth of a cousin makes for a not-much-fun-"fun-aunt"-type-person. Ugh. after the Children's home meeting, I've been doing lots of "head conversations" and lots of thinking and praying about it all... I could possibly see myself fostering, but then again, I dunno.... But then again, if it would make the paperchase we'll be doing anyway easier/faster/happen sooner, let's just go for it. But what if I'm wrong and fostering ends up being the hardest thing out of it all? What if the social worker takes one look at our house/yard and runs the other way? What if we DO live outside of their coverage area? The yard... We have some kind of mole (or other critter) problem... Holes all over our back yard, which isn't a huge deal to us NOW, because we don't really go out there a lot. But with kids?... I'm not the type to sit in the house all day, my kids and I WILL be outside, weather permitting. And we have some "junk" left over from the previous owners (scrap metal, blocks, etc) that need to go. Would they tell us NO based on those things?
Asde from the foster care thing, I want to start contacting adoption agencies and find out if I can do all the work myself... Can I get the paperwork rolling myself? Can we contract with any licensed social worker in our state to do a hometsudy for us? If we come to whatever agency we choose to use, on or around our third anniversary, with ALL paperwork COMPLETED, will they accept it? Can we move on to the next step sooner? What can I do to speed this process along?
I have started a new blog. I'll make a separate blog post on here about it in a day or two.... I have several entries in floating around in my head for that one, too... It was created on Sunday, and I'm just now getting word out about it to friends and family. It is primarily for adoption news, but I could see discussing other things as well. I'm kind of worried about how that's gonna go over. Most people know I love orphans, but only a handful know we're definitely planning to adopt, and there is an even smaller number who know we plan to do so ASAP. And I know we're setting ourselves up for nosey and rude questions and comments about our fertility (or lack thereof), and I'm trying to anticipate all of that and come up with gracious, kind, loving answers. Ya know, you don't want to tell little old church ladies to mind their own $#@$%&# business, in exactly those words.
I need to get out of my head!!!!! I'm hoping to be able to get out and go somewhere with hubby this weekend, even though it's supposed to rain... There's got to be something, somewhere we can do... I would love it if we could buy a car this weekend, but I don't see that happening. I just need a break. A vacation would be ideal -- an entire week of no pharmacy/bank crap, no baby-sitting, no schedule, just me and my hubby doing whatever it is we want to do. But what with the pending car purchase, dental work to be completed next month, etc, etc, etc.... Just one day (Saturday!) AWAY.... With no plans, no phones (unless we're calling each other), no kids, no inerruptions, no bank, no pharmacy.... Some time out of my head, just spending time with my hubby.

Jochebed, Moses, and the pharaoh's daughter -- the first open adoption

2009-03-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

This post is gonna be a little different from most. Just sayin'.
Do you know the titled story? The Israelites were being oppressed by the Egyptians. The pharaoah ordered all Hebrew baby boys to be killed. Jochebed had a baby boy, and she hid him for 3 months. Wen she could no longer hide him, she put him in a basket and set him in the river. The pharaoh's daughter finds him, and Moses' sister is looking on. She goes to the pharaoh's daughter, and volunteers to go get a wet nurse for the baby. Pharaoh's daughter agrees, and Jochebed is allowed to raise Moses for a few years, before Moses goes back to the pharaoh's daughter.
Jochebed gave up her son, because anything else meant death. Pharaoh's daughter saw an infant in need, and took him in. She didn't have a clue that she would be such a huge part of Bibe history!! The pharaoh's daughter adopted Moses so he would not be killed, and unknowingly allowed Jochebed to nurse Moses, and spend those tender first years of life with her son.
So? I've mostly been closed off and unreceptive to domestic adoption, and especially OPEN domestic adoption. Selfish, selfish, selfish! I wanted MY baby, I didn't want to share MY baby with another woman. But wait a minute -- aren't OUR children actually GOD'S children, anyway? If I was in the same situation, wouldn't I want to know that my baby was loved and cared for and being treated fairly? Can I blame a birthmother for caring enough to give birth to an unwanted or unplanned child, and caring enough about that child to give it to me, and wanting some pictures or letters or contact with "our" baby? Selfish.
It's a catch-22, this while birthmom-thing... I pray for both the mother and father from which cometh my child, to make good decisions, to be healthy and safe, to become Christians if they are not, to be whole and healed and okay. But if they DO make good decisions and stay healthy and straighten out their life and everything is just peachy-keen, then they're not going to "need" me to raise "our" child. God doesn't "need" me, but He has "CHOSEN" me.
I still feel that we will definitely go the international route, but I also have to question my motives for turning down anything domestic. There are children here in America, in the US, who need Mamas and Daddies. There are still those, albeit at a lower rate, who fall through the cracks and end up in a life of crime, abuse, and pain, because they did not get adopted. I feel the need to further investigate domestic adoption. Our pastor told us about a meeting Monday night, where (our state) B*aptist Children*s H0me was holding a meeting for prospective foster parents. Hubby and I went to that meeting, but walked away without a definitive answer. Is foster care right for us? We're still not sure. We went in to the meeting just wanting more info, not necessarily leaning one way or the other... Okay, we were actually leaning away from FC, but now we're kind of in limbo. Would it hurt? For sure. Should we put our hearts out there? Possibly. Maybe not. We don't know.
I've come to a point that I'm the most at peace about our infertility that I've ever been. I don't really want to upset that peace right now, especially in the next couple of weeks as we await the birth of a new cousin. Could I foster? My initial answer is I want to protect my heart, but what about the foster children who need a Mama and Daddy to love them, to show them Christ's love at least for a season? I have "given up" children before. I hugged a Ukrainian boy good-bye, knowing I would probably never see him again, knowing part of my heart would go back to Ukraine. I had asked everyone I knew about adopting him, but nobody could or would. I had to let go of foster kids at a summer camp for several years. I let my niece and my nephews go back home, go to Mama when they fall. I smile as the church kids leave my class when their Mamas pick them up. I recognize the emptiness in my home, when all the children leave, it is quiet, and there are no more giggles or squeals or cries. Could I do it if the kids actually lived with me?

Misc.

2009-03-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

----> AF did come Friday afternoon. I'm okay. Not happy, for sure, but not burying myself in bed all weekend, either. Working towards a sinus infection or some kind of crud, and the ole leg isn't looking very good. Poison-something-or-other, from raking and dumping leaves. I know I got in some briars, so who knows. But the perks of working in a pharmacy means no dr's office co-pay, and free predn!sone dose pack that costs a dollar and some change. Which should help the sinus crud, and the cramps too. Had to use the trusty M!dol this morning though. Trying to hold off on any otc sinus meds until I finish the dose pack.... Then Wednesday, I get to go back to the dentist for a crown and 2 fillings, all "old" dental work that needs some tlc. Fun times.
----> New friends!! A couple with no children who goes to church with us and is on the fire dept with hubby. Our age. They don't want kids for several more years. We called them spur-of-the-moment and asked them if they wanted to go eat in a town 45 minutes away... They did, so we met them, then went for ice cream. Do you know how nice it was to sit through an entire meal without wiping the first face, or talking about midnight feedings, potty training, or school choices? Very refreshing... Guarantee they'll be pregnant within a year, because you know, that's what happens to child-free couples who start hanging out with us!
----> Car shopping... Loved the look of one car, made hubby do the test-driving in the rain... Too rough of a ride, not enough room in the back seat, a bit more pricey than we were hoping to go with... Ghetto salesman.... Sigh. Once again, we've reached an all-new level of "old"... Dude was telling us all the perks (s!r!us radio free for a year, hands-free phone connection, all doors unlock when the driver opens theirs.... Hubby and I both turn around at the exact same time and simultaneously say, "Does it have child lock?" Yes. We ARE old. And perfectly okay with being so. After enjoying dinner and ice cream with friends, we were home before 11 and both ready for bed. Would've been home sooner, but there was a wreck on the interstate. I digress -- back to the car front. We also drove a car, that has lots more room in the back seat, easy latch system for car seats, sits up high than my car, easier to get in, at least the same gas mileage if not better... I told hubby I would be content to just go back and buy that one. He wants to look around some more. I don't **have** to have that specific car (in fact I could do without the sun roof and all that jazz, for a cheaper price), but we def could shop around for that make and model. I'm just ready to be done and driving something that's not on its last leg.
----> Just to drive home the fact that we're really old... We now have 2 (TWO) bird feeders on the front porch, and as we were coming in tonight, we were discussing when we should fill the hummingbird feeder as well. Content to be old, people, we are perfectly content. Shaking my head... What will our children think? Will we start acting younger when we get them? Or will they be the young kids in class with the anciently old parents?
----> Possibility of going to a meeting Monday night for potential foster parents. Yes, the road I swore I wouldn't take. With the (our state) B@ptist Children*s H0me, just to see what it's all about. I've been completely against open adoption or even domestic adoption at all really, but the more I read, the more I have to at least question it. Perhaps this topic should have its on post, though, so remind me to get back to it.