Trooper York

Frenchy Fuqua's shoe blog

2009-12-06T19:45:00.002-05:00

Yo baby waz up!

Did you see that game mofro? My Giants kicked them some Cowboy ass. A big ass win for the boys from Jersey. 31 to 24 you mothers. That Brandon Jacobs ran like Kim Shamsky was chasing his ass down in the street and they ran back a kickoff for a touchdown. Man they ain't did that shit since Rocky Thompson fell out of the coconut tree.

Those Saints punks won in the overtime. What a joke. The refs handed them that game. But it be all good cause when the Giants meet them in the title game they will be all Bob Tuckered out from trying to go undefeated. What a bunch of dumb oyster sucking maroons. Or guadroons or whatever the hell them there fancy boys be.

My boy Peyton won again too to be undefeated. All the Hooisers must have their cocks up with that one. Which is somtin new for those boys. But I ain't worried. You see they gots themselves the wrong Manning brother. Plus poor Peyton has enough to worry about. I mean his team might move in the middle of the night again and not tell him. Then where would he be?

Anyways I got to get ready for the dog ass Jets. That Mexican boy Dirty Sanchez is hurt and they might have to use a scrub. They needed to be scrubed anyways. They is just a bunch of scubs. You know the second team in town. Like the dog ass Mets and the crappy Nets. Damn they should change their names.

So I's only gots one thing to be saying:

HOW ABOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Flashback: Gratuitous Bathtub Photo well shower photo!

2009-12-06T19:04:00.002-05:00

Hey blake knows that pose. And he knows who this is. She is also a ricpic fave. But most of all she loves that sea captain from Seattle. Just sayn'

Paris is burning but only when he pees?

2009-12-06T18:52:00.003-05:00

"Why are dressed like this Spock?"

"Cedarford is having a party, we just want to fit in. Plus my name is not Spock. It's Paris. You are in the wrong series Shatner. It's bad enough I have to deal with that fucking Peter Lupus I don't need your bullshit. And what kind of name is Lupus anyway. It's like being named gonorrhea or chlamydia for crying out loud. I hope his agent didn't give him that name."

"Well Spock isn't such a cool name. Unless you want to write a baby book."

"Don't you have some cheap airline tickets to peddle or something you douchebag?"

It's all there in black and white

2009-12-06T18:28:00.002-05:00

"Hello....Hello in there....are you awake?'
"Errrr what happened?"
"I don't know Dr. Trey. I was just talking to you and your eyes rolled back in your head and you fell off your chair."
"Well who are you and why are you here?'
"My name is Emma and I am here for a session. My friend Selina recomended me to you. Don't you remember?"
"Not really, I am a little fuzzy right now."
"Oh me too, but then Selina and I just shaved each other. You know, down there...hello...hello... I don't believe it. You fell off your chair again. You Americans are oh so strange."

2009-12-06T17:25:00.003-05:00

Fran: [about Max's childhood nanny, who is visiting] Meanwhile, she's scaring Gracie to death with those stories about that fat bear who can't even get through the door every time he has a decent meal.

Max: Are you talking about Winnie The Pooh?

Fran: Yeah, him. And who in his right mind would call a boy Winnie, let alone The Pooh?

Max: Most children love those stories!

Fran: Far be it for me to poo-poo the Pooh.

Max: Well Miss Fine I think it would be wise for you to mind your place.

Fran: Mind my place. MIND MY PLACE! Who do you think you are talkin to you limey poofter?

I will have you know that Tiger has been texting me. He has a thing for nannies.Max: A Tiger? Who Mickey Lolich. I am not very worried. He is quite rotund as I recall.

Fran: No Tiger Woods you big english dummy. He said he wants to give me a golf lesson. He has a driver with an extra long shaft.

Max: I bet he does. I also seem to recall that he has a wife.Fran: That's what Ambien are for.

Laura Bush's Diary

2009-12-05T21:15:00.004-05:00

So I was busy last night watching the TV with the twins and cracking walnuts and doing tequila shots like we do most nights when W comes in from his den. He likes to hide out in his den and watch all the news programs on his big multi-TV set up that was left over from when he was president. So he comes bursting in all excited and red in the face.

“Laura, I just got a call from Dot on the special phone. She says she has been trying to reach you but she hasn’t been able to get you. Can you call her please. I don’t want her tying up the special phone you know.” “ No problemo W don’t get you knickers in a twist. You can be back to sexting in no time flat I promise.” “Shhhhh Laura not in front of the girls.”

You see W has a special cell phone that only a few people know about just like me. We have a very open marriage and we trust each other. Very few people have George’s private number. I mean I do and Cheney and his sister Dot and his bug eyed twat of mother of course. But ever since we revised our sex lists he has been carrying on with the one living member of his list that hasn’t croaked yet. You know I told you how we both have a list of five people we can bang without any questions asked. We only have one left on the revised list. Mine is Mike Tyson. And of course his is Betty White.

You see that silver haired ho has been sexting him for weeks now. He has been having a grand old time every night dropping some Ambien and sexting that octogenarian whore and rubbing one out while watching reruns of the Golden Girls. And she is one stone freak let me tell you. “What are you wearing Betty?” “Nothing but a push up bra and my crotchless edible Depends.” Now what good is crotchless Depends I ask you?

Anyhoo, I get out my phone and call up W’s sister Dorothy. Now we have always been good friends because we have a lot in common. I mean we both love W and hate his mother. But we also enjoy tequila, baseball, reading and nachos. Oh and we both love professional wrestling.

So after calling a few of her numbers I finally get a hold of her. “Hey girl what’s up with you? W told me you wanted to get a hold of me so here I am. What’s up?” “Laura, I am in a lot of trouble. Mr. Fuji has been calling me. He says he has to see me. What am I gonna do Laura, I miss him so but I can’t go back. He broke my heart. What am I going to do?” “Don’t you worry Dot. I will take care of it. You should just change your number and let me handle it. If worse comes to worse I will rev up the old Country Squire Station Wagon for some Road Kill sushi. But I don’t think it come to that.” “Thanks Laura, I know I can count on you.”

Dot came to stay with us when she got a divorce from her first husband. She couldn’t stay with her mom because she was all up in her face about the kids and the divorce and how it would look. She was crazed anyway because Poppy had just lost his re-election to Slick Willie and Bug eyed Barb was lashing out in every direction. We were back in Texas planning for W to run for governor in 1994 and minding our P’s and Q’s. We were really trying hard to stay on the straight and narrow. But you see that all went out the window the night the rassling show came to town.

You see I got a call from my monkey man. My one and only. My Gorilla Monsoon. He was in town and wanted to see me. I hadn’t seen him in a while and we had to catch up. I told W I was going to show and he wasn’t too happy. But you Gorilla was on my list and we really couldn’t say anything especially since that one eyed whore Sandy Duncan was coming to town in “Peter Pan” the next month. So he said it was ok as long as I brought Dot along so I wouldn’t get into any trouble. Now that was a hoot!

We get to the arena and pick up our tickets at will-call. It was an exciting night. Hulk Hogan was headlining but it was a full house of great wrestlers. Ricky the Dragon Steamboat . Big John Studd. Killer Khan and Sika. After the show we went back to the dressing room and I had to ditch her to steal some moments with my monkey man. Little did I know it wasn’t going to be a problem.

You see there was an elegant Oriental man in a black suit and bowler hat. He sort of looked like a James Bond villain but in fact he was the most hated manager in all of wrestling. His name was Mr. Fuji. Dot’s eyes bugged out of head like Barbara’s did when she saw a midget. She started to stammer and sweat. I had Gorilla introduce them and we slid out of there.When we came back it looked like a tornado had hit that dressing room. All of the stuff from the desk was on the floor and Mr. Fuji’s bowler hat had a big dent in it. Oh and Dot’s dress was on backwards. We kind of figured it out from there.

You see Dot had always had a thing for Asian men. Ever since she was a young girl in China when Poppy was the US envoy there. It seems she lost her cherry to Deng Xiaoping who was one horny little rascal. So Mr. Fuji assuaged her Yellow Fever as it were. She said he was the best sex she ever had. He ate her out like a champ. So they kept in contact. In fact she followed the wrestling circuit for a while until Poppy had to call the CIA in to put a stop to it. He married her off to Dr. Koch in 1992 and she had two more rug rats. But she told me she still creamed her pants every time she passed a sushi bar. So it was a bad mojo that Mr. Fuji was trying to get back in her life. I had to put a stop to it.

I would call Cheney but he has his own problems with his daughter so he is touchy about interfering in other peoples love lives. I know. I will give Michelle a call. She has been sucking up to me ever since Nancy spilled the beans about the First Ladies Traveling Underpants. Maybe she can get it done.

Tyler Perry's White House of Pain

2009-12-05T19:06:00.003-05:00

(Family quarters, upstairs at the White House)

Michelle Obama: (walking in back from the Executive office building) Mama I‘m home!
Marian Robinson(Michelle’s mom) Thank God you are home. Your Auntie Madea is on the warpath. You best get that skinny ass half a cracker husband of yours up here.
Michelle Obama: Now Mama don’t start that up again, what’s the problem this time. I am very tied. The press has been busting my chops about those lame ass people who snuck into the state dinner. I have to hide out and avoid them like we used to do when the rent was due until I got that no show job in the hospital.
Marian Robinson: Who cares, we have bigger problems. You know how much your Auntie Madea loves golf! And now Tiger Woods is in so much trouble. And it is your fault.
Michelle Obama (picks up phone) Oh Mama, please…..Hi, can you ask the President to come upstairs. Thank you.
President Barrack Obama: (Comes rushing in) Is every thing OK? Are the girls all right?
Michelle Obama: My mother wants to talk to you.President Barrack Obama (mutters under his breath) Oh shit. What now!

Marian Robinson: What did you say you skinny assed fool?

President Barrack Obama: Nothing Mother. You do know that I am President of the United States. You might show me just a little respect.

Marian Robinson: You better watch your ass bean pie eating half a mo. I know where you keep your birth ceritificate and I can give a copy to that nice Eskimo lady if you don’t watch your ass.

President Barrack Obama: Now mother please, I am very busy. I have to get my speech ready for congress. I have to fake up some statistics for global warming so I can take over the gas company.

Marian Robinson: Who cares about those damn fools when you messed up the Masters again and Tiger won’t be playing….. Madea come on out here!

Madea: (comes into the room) There he is that fool boy. I told Marian that you never should introduced Tiger Woods to that damn Nanny. I mean there are plenty of fine young black girls you could have set in up with. I mean Shirley Hempil isn’t getting any younger. And Tyra Banks just gave up her weave and her hair processing so she could have childrens. And what about Wanda Sykes. Maybe she would give up the fish taco if she met a nice clean cut boy like Tiger. Why did you have to hook him up with that big nosed diamond merchant bitch with that annoying voice. I swear that sounded like fingers scraping on a blackboard for shits sake.
President Barack Obama: Auntie Madea, what are you talking about. I didn’t introduce Tiger Woods to anyone. He married a Nanny allright but not the one you thinking of.
Madea: Well I read in US weekly that Tiger married a Nanny and you always have that bitch over to the white house and I figured you were the only one stupid enough to hook the two of them up.
President Barack Obama: I don’t have to take this from you Madea, I am the President (he flees out of the room).

Madea: Where you going you pansy ass fool? Marian get my five iron. I got’s to make this right. I gonna play a par three on his skinny ass.

Flashback: Gratuitous Bathtub Photo: Special Miso soup for you!

2009-12-05T18:49:00.003-05:00

This is as close as I can get to a Japanese gratuitous bathtub photo without using one of the Seven Samurai. Although technically not Japanese she often played one in the movies. Can you guess who?

What's the worst thing about Japanese people.

2009-12-05T17:47:00.004-05:00

I know we are supposed to be friends and all but Pearl Harbor Day always gets me in a bad mood. I lost some family there and I am one to hold a grudge.

So we can make a list of things we don't like about Japan:

1. All that bowing is like a Barack Obama foriegn trip.
2. Stupid anime cartoons.
3. Spamming comment threads for japanese porn.
5. Stupid game shows that are transported to the US.
6. Pink Lady and Jeff.
7. Pokémon
8. Loser pitchers the Yankees pay too much for.
9. Rice burner motorcyles.

And the absolute worse thing:

THEY LIKE TO EAT RAW FISH!!!!!

Matsui is screwy!

2009-12-05T17:23:00.003-05:00

The hot rumor in New York is that Hidecki Matsui is talking to the Mets about signing with them to play left field. Typical Mets. Matsui is a DH only and you would be an idiot to hire him to play the field. He is going to demand at least a 3year contract for big money coming off a World Series MVP year. The Mets need his bat but only if he DH's or at the very best plays first base. Now he has never played first base so I bet the Mets will try and put him there.

Hidecki say it ain't so.

In honor of Pearl Harbor Day pick out your favorite Jap.

2009-12-04T21:33:00.005-05:00

In honor of Pearl Harbor Day we are picking our favorite Jap. You know we like to be politically correct here at Trooper York so have at it in the comments. Your choices.

Mr. Fuji the famous wrestler and manager from the WWF.

Hidecki Matsui the World Series MVP.

Hidecki Iraubo the fat puffy toad.

Jack Soo the Fat Jap guy from Barney Miller.

Fran Drescher. Well you know why.

Hey everybody spends too much time watching Ben Stiller movies.

2009-12-04T21:25:00.003-05:00

So you loves you some Sacajawea. She ran away with our favorite Indian poll. I knew I should include Apu. The results:

Sacajawea 35

Sitting Bull 3

Rocky Colavito 3

Squanto 1

Chingachook 1

To continue our salute to politically incorrect sterotyping, in honor of Pearl Harbor Day on Monday you get to vote for your favorite Jap.

Hey he said he would look under my hood.

2009-12-04T20:59:00.003-05:00

"Where's garage mahal? He said he would check me out."

"Well I can check you out."

"I bet you can but I don't play for the New Orleans Saints sugar. He said he was going look under the hood."

"Sorry I think his water broke."

"Tough break. Oh well maybe next time."

Whose you're Daddy Mr. President

2009-12-04T20:47:00.002-05:00

James Buchanan had a troubled relationship with his father. A distant and somewhat effeminate man, James Buchanan Sr. had eleven children who strangely enough looked totally different from him or each other. Young James Buchanan Jr. was much closer to his mother Elizabeth Speer a scion of the German family that produced such luminaries as the Third Reich’s Albert Speer. He spent much of his youth helping her at the family business the Buchanan hotel until an unfortunate incident with a young woman and a spring pump and a kitchen knife. Young Master Buchanan was sent off to boarding school never to return but he did enjoy dressing in some of his mother’s discarded homespun frocks so he might feel closer to her.

He was estranged from his father for the remainder of his life but strangely enjoyed calling his roommate of many decades, Senator and later Vice President William Rufus King by his pet diminutive of Daddy. Unlike Andrew Jackson who called them Nancy and Fancy. Not that theres anything wrong with that.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)

It's all there in black and white.

2009-12-04T18:59:00.003-05:00

"Excuse me but you are not Selina. It is time for her session."

"Oh you must be Doctor Trey. Selina said I could take her session. My name is Emma. Emma Peel. She said you should examine me. I think I need to be looked at."

"Well this is most irregular but I guess it is all right."

"Oh splendid. I hate it when it is irregular. I like it when it fits properly. With a tight fit. You know it slides in so easily against you velvety soft skin....errr.....Doctor Trey....why are you turning so red?"

"Hamana hamana hamana uuuurrrrppphhhh!."

Why your hair is up Moneypenny?

2009-12-04T18:44:00.004-05:00

"My dear Moneypenny, I see you have your hair up this evening. How very elegant."

"Thank you Commander Bond. I sometimes like to have it up."

"Indeed Moneypenny, I love to have it up as well."

"Why Commander Bond you are a naughty boy."

"It's not me it's you Moneypenny."

"Me what Commander Bond."

"You make me want to get it up. As it were."

"Oooohhhhh Jaaammmmmeeeessssss!!!!!!"

Flashback: Gratuitous Bathtub Scene, Oh La La!

2009-12-04T18:34:00.003-05:00

Our mystery bathtub babe is European. I mean you can't see under her arms but trust me we are talking Oscar Gamble. In fact three Oscar Gambles so to speak. Sort of like the San Fransisco Giants with the three Alou brothers in the early sixties. Only all three are Matty. After the bath. So to speak.

Whose You're Daddy Mr. President

2009-12-04T18:29:00.001-05:00

George Washington did not have a long relationship with his father Augustine who died when the future president was only eleven. The cause of his father’s untimely demise is not recorded although legend has it that his wife Mary nagged him to death. Washington’s mother did indeed nag him unmercifully his entire life to the point that he ran away to join the milita and felt dodging bullets and Indian arrows was much preferable to letting his mother nag him to death as well. Augustine Washington did bequeath to his son 64 slaves, the Strother plantation and the ability to tune out the voice of any woman no matter how loud or long she might harangue him. This caused some difficultly during his Presidency because in Cabinet Meetings he could never follow what Thomas Jefferson had to say as he had a high pitched womanish voice much like that of Jennifer Tilly. This disaffection led to the creation of the two party system and the rise of political parties in the fledging United States.
(Whose You’re Daddy, Presidential Fathers, Doris Kearns Godwin, Bantam Books, 1998)

Welcome back from Thanksgiving!

2009-12-04T17:57:00.001-05:00

I guess everyone had a very busy Thanksgiving. Seeing family you don't really like. Sitting next to that pain in the ass aunt who never stops yakking. Yeah, yeah you ex-husband was a douche. But didn't he grow up to do something important. Have another sambuca you old bat and maybe you will fall asleep for crying out loud.

Buddy Clinton Died for your Sins!

2009-12-03T21:03:00.003-05:00

The mainstream media has been courrpt and useless since the very birth of our republic it is just that they have been useless in different ways. For example they never publized the fact the Franklin Delano Roosevelt was crippled and had to survive in a wheelchair. It was covered up to the extent that most Americans did not even realize that he was disabled.

Instead the press publizied such trivialites as the fact that he had a little black Scottie terrier named Fala. However they neglected to mention that he also kept Shirley Temple as a pet for most of the 1930's.

(Buddy Clinton Died for Your Sins, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Playboy Press, 2009)

Flashback: Celebrity camel toe corner

2009-12-03T20:57:00.004-05:00

Now even though you might jump to the conclusion that this is a photo of the hot threesome ripic had at his senior prom I must set the record straight. This celebrity cameltoe or more accurately moose knuckle is one of Theo Boehms favorite musical groups.

It just seems that even Thelma Hopkins can't believe it.

Flashback: Gratuitous Bathtub Photo, be careful you could drown you know.

2009-12-03T20:09:00.004-05:00

Hey here is another mystery gratuitous bathtub photo.

Your clue: she took her name after what she gives you.

Hey I am busy!

2009-12-03T15:31:00.002-05:00

I have been very busy trying to drum up sales and haven't had time to post. Cyber monday was very good and I have having a do-over "Black Friday" sale for all the girls who were out of town last weekend.

So Laura Bush, Julie, Moneypenny and hapless doomed New Orleans Saints have to muddle through all on thier own.

It is just not meant to be!

2009-12-01T20:54:00.001-05:00

I feel so sorry about this Beth but I feel I should let you know. You see there is absolutely no way that the New Orleans Saints can win the Super Bowl. Or ever win the Super Bowl. Right now you are flying high, undefeated and have just opened a big can of whoop-ass on the Patriots, but it is all an illusion. You see there is one overwhelming reason why the Saints can never win. And you know what it is!

It is the “Curse of Danny Abramowicz.”

Sure you remember Danny as a fine All Pro receivers in the late sixties and early seventies until he was unceremiously traded to the 49er’s in the middle of the season in 1973. Now you might not remember why he was traded because you are too young, but I remember it well.

You see Danny has always been a devote Catholic. But living in New Orleans for so long he wandered into a small decrepit Catholic church deep in the Bayou. The priest there was a strange and charismatic man named Father Limba Laveau who led his congregation in a strange amalgam of Voodoo and Catholicism. Danny became a member of the congregation and supported it piously with funds and personal appearances and missionary work that led to the growth of this tiny parish into a significant force in New Orleans in the 1970’s. Danny used several voodoo spells on Tom Fears that led him to be the focus of the Saints offense even though he was slower than a woman working at the New Orleans DMV on an August day when there was no air conditioning. When John Mecom Jr. caught Danny stealing some hairs from his comb and burning them with his Zippo he immediately shipped him to the coast. Ten chickens were killed that night and a curse was put on the New Orleans Saints that lingers to this very day. Never will the Saints be in the Super Bowl. Never will they have the sweet joy of holding the Vince Lombardi trophy in the air. Never will they look into the camera and say “I’m going to Disneyland.” Because you see, the only place they are destined is in fact the only place hotter and more uncomfortable than NOLA.

Hell.

Now that Saints are not just a hapless franchise doomed to never winning a championship like the Los Angles Clippers or the Houston Astro’s. They are in fact the victim of this enduring curse that even Danny himself can not stop. His brief tenure as a coach and offensive coordinator did nothing to ameliorate the effect of this voodoo rite that will forever follow your poor benighted team. Now you might have some more success, maybe even go undefeated in the regular season and win a playoff game or two. But in the end, your team will fall short. Because they are truly not Saints, but only unredeemable sinners. Fated to always fall short.

Because they can never reverse the curse. The curse of Danny Abramowicz.

I can't look at you!

2009-12-01T20:19:00.002-05:00

"I can't bare to look at you."
"Why not Richard, what is the problem."
"Well you are so beatuiful and kind and I am afraid I am here under false pretenses."
"What do you mean. are you married."
"Well yes. But thats not the half of it. You see... I just want to copy your dress."
"What?"
"Yes it's true. The clean lines. The vivid print. The high neckline. I am afraid I just am talking to you so I can copy your clothes."
"Get out before I get my golf club you cad."