The Mac Nose

Blind Items

2008-03-31T00:25:00.001+01:00

• Which fledging input manager hack is being held from release because its fearless young engineer has unexpectedly started emitting Hawking radiation?

• What old guard indie house has yet to announce they will be closing shop at the end of the year so their founder can return to his first love of canary wrestling?

• Which MMO is currently under investigation by the state of California for allegations that it causes reproductive harm?

• What principal of an iconic design house practices an enitirely unique form of cannibalism, helping himself to a daily breakfast of "Chockenberry O's"?

Propitious PodWorks 3.0 promises more . . . everything

2008-03-27T03:16:00.004Z

PodWorks is one of the best known and well-rated iPod utilities on the market, allowing persons with poor back-up skills to recover whatever small percentage of their music remained on their iPod or iPhone. With a new point release just a few weeks ago, it is sure to bring comfort and joy to more users everywhere.

But a full release has been in the works for a while as well, but not yet seen the light. PodWorks 3 promises even more comfort and joy when it is released, but it may be a long time coming yet.

Insiders say there's a bug lurking in the code that may cause issues for a small percentage of users running on a specific hardware configuration. While the problem would affect only a small number of users, the number of those affected would continue to grow and grow, quite literally: via transmutation and interference with DNA replication, PodWorks 3 can cause a person to undergo mitosis as a whole and split off into a duplicate.

If the pricing scheme remains the same, for a mere $8, you'll soon be able to purchase unlimited use of PodWorks to save music from iPhones and iPods from whence you have lost the source library and also the chance to sprout a fake personage of yourself somewhere in the world.

Steve Jobs, Apple founder and former boss of the boss of the boss of Buzz Andersen, was allowed a sneak peek at the 3.0 almost 2 years ago. Andersen was not aware of the bug at the time, but a frantic early morning call from Jobs' assistant soon made everything crystal.

They attempted to hide FSJ, but he promptly escaped from the maximum security stockade to the Cupertino underground, where he bided his time until blossoming forth unto the unsuspecting world via blogger.

Andersen has tried to quash rogue copies of the alpha, but they have lived on to strike again.

Sources say there is a whole fake development underground, writing fake apps for fake OS X, but most are afraid of coming out. However, a few have been emboldened by FSJ's leap into the light, such as Daneil Jalkut, and self-proclaimed "Supreme Computer Scientist" Fake RixStep.

Only time will tell if Andersen will be able to smash the bug before release day, and if the indies will be able to survive what is sure to be the upcoming fake revolution.

John "Dingo" Torque's C6 conference set to crush oldcomer C4

2008-03-24T01:25:00.003Z

Jonathan "Wolf" Rentzsch's C4 conference will have some competition in the indie dev circuit this year in the form of C6, a new conference designed to bring independents together to talk about the things that matter most to them.

Conference organize John "Dingo" Torque is best known for having a silly name, but also wrote some very powerful, but little known packages such as mach_syringe and mach_superoverride. According to Torque, C6 is a replacement of MacShack.

"While one can never truly replace MacShack, I think developers miss squatting in a an abandoned little cabin in the countryside, hiding from ferocious wolves while bitching about NSTableView. I know I do," said Torque.

The C6 conference (Code, Conspiracy, Culture, Conspiracy, Community, Conspiracy) will include a competition, the likes of which has never been seen.

Called SteelCoder Live, it will pit top developers against each other — literally.

Quoth Torque, "We're going to have a sweet pit full of crocs, yeah, and anybody that tries to show us something that's just a silly hack is going to get tossed in there."

Instead of just gang signs, there will be actual color wars between rival gangs, which appear to have started early on Twitter. Racial awkwardness brought up at C4[1] promises to blow up to possibly actual tensions despite a recent inspiring speech by presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

"We're going for at least one actual lynching or I'd settle for a name-call or two," said Torque. He also promised that the least interesting speaker of each day, as determined by number of detrimental twitters, will be fed to the hungry crocodilians.

"We've got to keep the quality up somehow," he said.

Panic Profile: Cabel Sasser, man of mystery

2008-03-21T19:51:00.004Z

Although Panic, Inc. is one of the most prestigious of the indie houses—gobbling up Apple Design Awards aplenty and raking in the accolades—no one knows much about their founders, particularly one Cabel Sasser, a man possessed of petrifying pectorals and a mesmerizing gluteus maximus.

The Mac Nose has learned that Cabel keeps his physique super fit with a regimen of pokemon-fighting and a diet composed not of normal foodstuffs, but an amalgamation of chemicals stuffed into taste treats that make the mind boggle.

Sasser sometimes slips his secrets into his blog, whereupon readers may gaze with awe on the "nutritive" "edibles" the man drops into his digestive system, which sources claim is made not from weak flesh as most mere mortals, but titanium, brushed into a sub-glossy metal, harnessed into subtly pin-striped wiring with candy-colored buttons to speed up, cancel, or redirect digestion.

"He had the plumbing re-done in '02, and Aqua was all the rage," said one panicked peep who declined attribution. "He used to show it off all the time, but now I think he's just embarrassed he's allowed his culinary canal to become so dated."

Regardless of design gaffes, Sasser's tract allows for him to extract every shred of micro-, macro-, and mega-nutrient from each gustatory delight he devours.

This, along with his daily digital battles with Dugtrio, have helped to carve his body into a god-like shape that not many have seen.

"He keeps it under wraps most of time," said a quiet man who identified himself as Fteven Srank. "But man, when he gets into one of his glamourous drunken karaoke rages, off comes the shirt, and man. . . just, wow."

Sasser has also been spotted supplementing his daily exercise regimen by rolling a ball of ever-increasing mass around the Pearl District of Portland.

Light shed on secret Moltz project

2008-03-20T17:02:00.004Z

In February, the beloved Crazy Apple Rumors Site was put on indefinite hiatus by mastermind John Moltz. Wikipedia and others have pointed to "financial reasons" for the junking of the site, but did not dig deeper.

What could cause a dedicated man to drop a site that's held his love and attention for so many years under the guise of money?

A sexbot army crafted in the image of Jennifer Frickin' Connelly.

Insiders have tipped off the Mac Nose that Moltz is raising an army bolt by bolt, wire by wire, to wrest control of Apple from Steve Jobs and his own cadre of lesbian ninja sexbots to make his dream of Apple branded sexbots come true.

"I mean, if Jon Ive can make a little hunk of white plastic and metal seem like sex, imagine what he could do with actual sexbots!," he was heard to exclaim in an impotent drunken rage at MWSF.

In one aspect, Mac users have nothing to fear: tipsters say Moltz does not plan to use the Jennifer Frickin' Connelly sexbots for the use which they may seem to be intended. "He wouldn't deign to ruin their 'purity.'" a shrouded entity said.

The entity went on to confirm, however, that Moltz is very fond of his prototype creation and refers to it as his "girlfriend in Tacoma".

"I know, I know, it's serious," said the entity as he shook his head.

Devs prepare for hunger strike

2008-03-20T01:24:00.005Z

Now that the dates for Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference 2008 have been available for nearly a week, other facts are slowly coming to light about the coders' week-long retreat to the heart of San Francisco.

Developers have long been spoiled by the sumptuous feasts of years past, which have since slipped into cookies and juice fit for a kindergarten snack break, at best. But catering industry insiders suggest that this year will be leaner than most.

"It's all baked beans and hardtack this year," reports an convention coordinating tipster.

It seems the sweet smell of Jamba Juice has been blown away to be replaced by the effervescent beany remains of lunches at the end of the day.

The beer bash will no doubt be more popular than ever, to wash away the last vestiges of memories of stomachs and noses wearied by high legume consumption.

A visibly disturbed food service worker who declined to identify themselves for this story added, "I also overheard one of the planners say something about "kittens", but that can't possibly be right . . . can it?"

A message or a warning?

2008-03-19T13:27:00.005Z

In an extreme case of ignorance being bliss, the entirety of Earth appears to have been blinded to the appearance and re-appearance of one man's name through all Mac time and history: Daniel Jalkut.

It is said his name appears within System 7 (codenamed Big Bang and widely known to be the Mac OS most vulnerable to ripples in the time-space continuum), MarsEdit, FlexTime, Black Ink, and has even been spotted hanging about all over red-sweater.com, twitter, and the likes of Facebook.

The mysterious appellation was also seen to appear simultaneously on computers of all Mac users who were installing Security Update 2008-002 at the time and had been spotted floating about the world for years prior, appearing as early as 1974, as much as 10 years prior to the introduction of Macintosh.

Jalkut himself seems to have gone to great lengths to obscure the facts of the case, going so far as to blank out his biography page on imdb.com, leaving in his wake a mere mention of his tantalizing appearance Trekkies 2.

Insiders theorize that Jalkut may be using the power of dilithium crystals to push his name through folds in space and time to make it appear at his will.

Those in the know also acknowledge his name appears in neat lettering on the inner waistband of his underpants.

Who's the Monster after all?

2008-03-19T03:30:00.002Z

In a stunning twist of a tale, informants have tipped off the Mac Nose that Mike Lee, formerly of Delicious Monster, enjoys devouring orphaned kittens in his spare time.

Tipsters reveal that Lee revels in the taste of their tender flesh and that the man who calls himself the "World's Toughest Programmer" believes kittens, not man, to be the deadliest prey. He has been overheard claiming their "needle sharp tiny claws of doom," razor teeth of tinyness, and near-lethal cuteness make the miniature felines one of the most dangerous catches of all.

It is not clear if Lee is starting his United Lemur project to really raise money for charity or as a ruse to lull more tiny cats (and cattas) into thinking he cares for their well-being before swooping them into his gaping maw.

All may not be lost however, as sources have also disclosed that he weeps copious tears over the catty corpses before making a meal of them. "He knows it's wrong," said a community insider who asked not to be identified, " but they're just so finger-licking, lip-smacking crunchy!"

Barrett heads to Hogwarts

2008-03-17T13:43:00.002Z

Shortly after MWSF wrapped up this January, open source magnate Colin Barrett announced he was leaving Mozilla to "see what other opportunities are out there."

He was not left out in the winter cold for long, however, as confidants inform The Mac Nose that he was snapped up by the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where he will learn about potions, magical and mundane plants, the fiercest fake Latin available, and OpenGL, considered one of the most difficult "magicks" to master.

Rumors abound that Barrett is destined to become one of the greatest code-wizards in history, assuming he eventually gets around to sporting a brilliant looking scar, that is.

Rogue Amoeba eliminates erstwhile eggs

2008-03-17T04:35:00.000Z

It's no secret that Rogue Amoeba's developers blog in code. Each idea they present is actually a complicated metaphor — truth swaddled in figurative folds— allowing them to openly brag about their exploits to impress their peers while keeping the plebby masses in the dark.

The Mac Nose caught a whiff of what they've been up to, and the facts are most disturbing. In a February 24 post about hiring, company head Paul Kafasis slipped in the "factoid" that they'd hired employee "007," followed by a James Bond reference.

Insiders say the Amoebans have indeed gone rogue, giving themselves a license to bake. Since then, four competing products have seen their owners overcome by sugar comas Stranger still, any and all references to these victims and their products have been wiped from the Internet, a feat once considered impossible.

Friends of rocker-turned-programmer Jarvis Cocker say he was offered a cookie by Rogue Amoeba's Guy English. Known in dark alleys as "The Dapper Canadian," English coaxed Cocker into dissolving his nascent Cockersoft and removing all traces of its existence. Even Cocker's blog, wherein he spoke passionately of his love for bits and bytes, has been eradicated.

Rumor has it the Amoebans refer to perfecting baked treats as "playing Halo," and that this expression is common among members of the New Mac Illuminati. Keep your ears open the next time you're around a group of developers. They might be engineering more than you think.

(After re-examination of code-breaking practices, minor corrections have been made to the story).

Rampaging Gruber snogs his way through Twitter

2008-03-15T14:30:00.000Z

The Twitter community was sent a-flutter on Friday night when John Gruber started a snuggle-fest. The Daring Fireball was spotted canoodling with Daniel Jakut, Craig Hockenberry, Hello Kitty, and someone in a Darth Vader mask (tipsters reveal an ashamed Jens Alfke), among others.

The outpouring of physical affection passed some by, however, with open source magnate Colin Barrett expressing utmost disappointment at missing out on one of Gruber's signature smooches.

Insiders report the long suffering Amy Gruber simply sighed and threw her hands up.

iPhone SDK smells like trouble

2008-03-13T23:20:00.001Z

On Thursday, March 6, Apple, Inc. announced the iPhone SDK to sighs of relief and adoration in the Mac development community. But there was something else in the air, something that made devs just a tiny bit uncomfortable — in their pants.

Apple has been snapping up engineers left and right, including young Lucas Newman, noted iPhone hacker, recently of Delicious Monster. The word on the street is that while they are ostensibly being used to write the SDK software, now in beta and being polished up for a late June release, they are also working on other projects.

While the SDK was released to fanfare, there is now a growing sense of unease in the community, and no one can quite put their finger on (or in) it. Might it have something to do with the restrictions Apple has placed on iPhone development at this early stage? Steve Jobs himself has listed 6 reasons an iPhone app would not approved for the App Store:

• Illegal
• Malicious
• Unforeseen
• Privacy
• Porn
• Bandwidth hog

It is unclear is they are saving these items for their own gleeful apps.

Only time will tell if the SDK and all it's "enhancements" will ultimately be used for good.

Brent Simmons show SXSW terrific rack

2008-03-10T23:20:00.002Z

It's an open secret in the indie dev community that Brent Simmons drinks the blood of virgins to stay young. Signs point to over-doing it, as the Mac Nose sniffed out an unintended side-effect.

Friends say the balcony was installed years ago, but Shakespeare never noticed. Don't let those cowboys at SXSW tell you any different — the whole thing is one long mescaline trip. Having the godfather of RSS pop out a fun-bag is the least of your worries.

Scuttlebutt at the Ginger Man is this isn't the first year Papa's puppies have made an appearance. Rumor has it a similar fiasco a few years back inspired Austin's unofficial slogan. What the NetNewsWire developer didn't consider was the iPhone, and snaps like the one above now abound.

To those who would point out the iPhone is decidedly not the first cell phone to sport a camera: you just don't get it, do you?