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Thoughts on the Meaning of In Watermelon Sugar

2009-09-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

In Watermelon Sugar by Richard Brautigan is the story of a post-apocalyptic world in which the sun shines different colors depending on the day, the watermelons are different colors according to which color the sun happens to be shining on the day that they are planted, and everything is made out of watermelon sugar. The narrator, who has no real name, is in love with a woman named Pauline and has recently broken up with another woman, Margaret, for her. The reason the narrator broke up with Margaret was her increasing fascination with collecting 'forgotten things', which are items found in an area of the world called the Forgotten Works, which is a huge pile of waste and debris from a previous civilization. There's a group of outcasts who live out by the Forgotten Works, led by a man named inBOIL, who was the first one to live out by the Forgotten Works of his own volition. inBOIL and his group are rough characters, engaging in heavy drinking and debauchery in the shacks that they've built outside the Forgotten Works. The other inhabitants of the world, including the narrator, live in a place called iDEATH, which is never really described but seems to have been built around the nature surrounding it, as the text mentions rivers, trees and rocks inside the building.

The main tension in the novel involves inBOIL and Margaret, who the people of iDEATH accuse of conspiring with each other. inBOIL hates what iDEATH has become and has some sort of plan for the community of iDEATH. A few days pass and inBOIL and his gang come to iDEATH and ask to be permitted. The people are weary, but let them in. inBOIL then takes out a knife and starts mutilating himself, claiming that this is what iDEATH really is. His gang follows his example and begins mutilating themselves as well. inBOIL along with his gang all die from the self-mutilation and their remains are promptly mopped up by the community, who are completely baffled by what inBOIL meant, demonstrating an ability to be willfully ignorant.

The people of iDEATH appear to be a fledgling civilization thriving on the ruins of an older one. iDEATH can be considered a new Eden; the people of iDEATH don't know where it came from or why it's there, in which case iDEATH can also be considered the fruit of knowledge as well as Eden, hiding secrets that the community can't know or doesn't want to know. inBOIL in sacrificing himself seems to be saying that iDEATH is self-mutilation, as Eve mutilated her innocence by biting into the fruit of knowledge. Margaret hangs herself at the end of the novel amidst the accusations that she conspired with inBOIL, which is another manifestation of this theme of self destruction. It could also be assumed that the previous civilization also destroyed themselves, which is an ominous portent for the people of iDEATH: iDEATH could be a machine of self-destruction that destroys every civilization that populates it, and inBOIL would have been the only one to understand this. The narrator's relationship with Pauline would make them the new Adam and Eve.

By The Way

2009-09-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since I wrote the first post for this blog, and I still have no idea if anyone actually reads it.

Grilled Cheese

2009-09-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

I made grilled cheese tonight, the first time I've had it since my sister used to make it for me about ten years ago while she babysat me. It was delicious, and as I sat there on the couch eating it, the television blaring, I noticed a Dora The Explorer pull-up on the next cushion, being lit by nothing but the light from the television. And it made me think about the fact that I have a niece and I'm responsible to be her loving uncle; to give her advice when she asks for it, to be understanding when she fights with her mother, to be there when she gets married. To be a good role model. And then I feel cheated that this responsibility has been forced on me by my sister's decision to have a child with a man who would cheat on her for a year with a woman named Liz. And then I think that about ten years ago, my sister made grilled cheese for me, and now I'm making it for myself. I guess I owe it to her; that responsibility. Time creeps up on you.

Dream #5

2009-08-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

I was in a McDonald’s, and somehow worked up the nerve to ask for a job. The manager seemed only too happy to oblige, and told me to get behind the counter. Behind the counter is where I saw Sarah Tanner again. She looked horrible. There was this big, green hole on her right cheek; it looked like the skin had been eaten away. I hadn’t seen her in several years, so you can imagine my surprise. She was a weepy girl, often crying during her shifts. The manager usually comforted her.

I handled my duties like any novice McDonald’s employee; I made mistakes, accidentally gave some people the wrong drinks. One of my successes was when a guy asked for a straw and I brought a package that—due to a manufacturing error—had three straws in it, and this pleased the woman next to him who had also asked for a straw.

Ed from Ed, Edd, and Eddy was there, talking in his pubic voice about jawbreakers and scams and all that stuff. I used to love that show when I was a kid. Shame Cartoon Network canceled it.

Sarah and I once sat down at a table on our break where we caught up on the going-ons since last we saw each other. She talked about being a cheerleader and her brother and her boyfriend. Then I dared to inquire about her face. Seeing the look she gave, I immediately rescinded my question, but she answered it anyway. She had a disease that ate her skin from the inside-out.

That’s when I woke up.

The Tobacco Hornworm

2009-08-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

The tobacco hornworm (Manduca sexta) is a caterpillar commonly encountered in gardens throughout the United States and northwestern Mexico, but is less frequently found in the Great Plains and southeastern regions. They are considered a garden pest, eating large quantities of food in short periods of time, hence the name Manduca, which is Latin for “glutton” (though other species of hornworm do insignificant damage to plants). They can grow up to 70 millimeters in length and have white stripes on their sides. They also have horns on their rears that look like weapons, but are actually harmless and may serve the purpose of confusing would-be predators into thinking the back-end is the front, therefore making it less likely that the predator would attack the hornworm’s head. It commonly eats plants from the Solonaceae family, such as tomatoes, potatoes, tobacco, peppers and eggplants. They can be difficult to see because their green coloration helps them blend into the surrounding foliage. They are closely related to (and closely resemble) the tomato hornworm (Manduca quinquemaculata). They can be distinguished either by the markings on their sides or the color of their horns. Tobacco hornworms have seven diagonal lines while tomato hornworms have eight V-shaped markings, and tobacco hornworms have red horns while tomato hornworms have black ones. Tobacco hornworms also have mechanisms for sequestering and secreting nicotine, a neurotoxin found in tobacco which is toxic to most insects.

Larval development usually lasts about 20 days, and then the larvae burrow into the soil to a depth of about 10-to-15 centimeters and develop into a pupal cell. The pupa is around 45-to-60 millimeters in length and has a large “snout” on its head-end, which is more pronounced in the tomato hornworm than the tobacco. The pupa is brown in color and times vary on how long the pupal stage is.

The adult form of the tobacco hornworm is commonly known as the Carolina Sphinx moth. They feed on the nectar of flowers and have the ability to hover, earning them the nickname of the “hummingbird moth”. They usually fly at dusk and are rarely observed by humans.

The eggs of the tobacco hornworm are spherical or elliptical in shape and have diameters of about 1.5 millimeters. Their colors vary from light green to white. The adult usually deposits the eggs on the lower surfaces of foliage, but they’ve also been found on upper surfaces. The eggs will hatch in two-to-eight days, but the average is five. From then on, the tobacco hornworm usually goes through five instars (periods between molts) before sexual maturity. First-instar larvae have long horns that stick straight up. As it progresses through instars, the horn gets smaller and curves forward.

The tobacco hornworm’s main predator is the parasitoid wasp, Cortesia congregata, which lays eggs inside the hornworm while injecting symbiotic viruses that turn off the hornworm’s internal defenses, making it a living incubator. The parasitic eggs hatch within two-to-three days and then the larvae will undergo two molts inside the host. After 12-to-16 days, the larvae will emerge out of the hornworm, killing it, and spin cocoons on the bloodless carcass from which the adult wasps will eventually hatch.

A little ditty I wrote using my Rock Band drums.

2009-08-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

Download it.

Repressed Memory #2

2009-08-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

When I was younger and actually had fun, I had the misfortune of being a little stupid. My father was helping my neighbor replace his fence and one of the old fence-posts was still on the ground. I liked to pretend I was a samurai warrior back then and I swung brooms around my head and pretended I was killing people. One day, I was feeling particularly energetic and jumped up and down on top of this fence post while swinging said broom over my head. On the third or fourth jump, I felt this excruciating pain In my foot.

Yes, I had jumped right on a protruding nail and it had went right through my foot. It didn't hurt much after the initial shock. Just this dull pain down there. My naïve child instincts told me to go inside and put a Band-Aid on it, and Band-Aid it I did. I didn't want my parents to know what I'd done and I really needed to rest, but unfortunately they wanted to go to CompUSA, so they dragged me along, limping. I tried to hide my limp but it hurt too much to walk without it. My eagle-eyed mother of course noticed and asked me about it, at which point I decided it was time to tell them. They gave me this spiel about not being stupid and all. They took me to the doctor the next day and I was fine afterward.

"Hero" by Perry Moore: A Short Review

2009-08-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

Thom Creed (silent H) is the epitome of a good kid: responsible, hard-working, caring. But he keeps a lot of secrets, mostly from his father, Hal Creed, a disgraced superhero, vilified by everyone. They only have each other in this world of superheroes and supervillains. It's no spoiler that Thom is gay, and, like his father, has to deal with persecution.

It's different from the avarage superhero novel in that people actually get hurt. In most superhero media that I've consumed, everyone always ends up being fine. The worst the damsel-in-distress ever gets is a scratch. In Hero bones are broken, people get impaled by tree branches and others are blown into smithereens. In this way, Thom's power of healing seems to be statement: people make mistakes, people get hurt.

The many heroes in the novel aren't the most original creations. Dark Hero is a nod to Batman, Warrior Woman to Wonder Woman, Justice to Superman, etc. Uberman may also be a reference to Hitler and his "Ubermensch", but it's a stretch. The main supporting characters are two-dimensional, but the conflicts they face throughout the book and their endearing quirks make up for that. I like Ruth.

The overarching theme in Hero I feel is the father-son bond, when I think it should be more about, you know, doing the right thing. What heroes are supposed to do. Thom does have to face a moral conflict in the middle of the book, and sacrifice himself to do the right thing. But I feel there should've been more of that.

There's an overuse of clichés, which is a big annoyance. I can understand as it's Moore's first novel, but how did the editor not say "Less cliché please!" The style can sometimes have a disconnect with the substance. A lot of blunt sentences characteristic of amateur writing.

An example:

He stopped short when he saw what I was wearing.

Although it was a little broad in the shoulders, my father's old costume fit nearly perfectly.

'Where are you going?' A stupefied grin appeared on the officer's face.

I put the car in first.

"I'm going to save the world."

Then I floored it.

The climax was long and slightly confusing. That's all I'm going to say about it.

Hero seems to straddle that strange area between teen and adult literature. It has a lot of gore and the usual swear-words, enough that I wouldn't be comfortable giving it to a 10-year-old, but I'd certainly recommend it to a kid of 14. I imagine Hero is popular with a lot of disenfranchised gay teenagers. It served as a nice diversion from heavier works, and I'll probably pick up the sequel, hoping for less clichés.

Evil Motherfuckers #1

2009-07-30T15:36:00.000-07:00

Read this story on Ars Technica that really pissed me off. Cheerleaders in a Mississippi school were forced to give their Facebook login information to their coach. The coach then used this information to access their accounts and single out students. One student was "publicly reprimanded, punished, and humiliated" for a private conversation she had with her cheerleading captain asking her to stop harassing some of the other players. She was barred from cheerleading practice, participating in football games, and attending school functions that she had already paid to attend.

Speaking as a high school student, that is some motherfucking evil bullshit. No public school has the right to punish a student for their private activities off-campus, let alone ask for their login information to any social-networking service.

If any school I attend demands my login information, I will refuse, and if they still demanded it, I will leave.

Evil motherfuckers.

Repressed Memory #1

2009-07-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

When I was in third grade, I didn't know what the word "gay" meant until some helpful classmates of mine decided to call me so while we were gathered in the bathroom. I, not knowing what it meant, asked, "What does that mean?"

They kindly replied, "It means you like guys."

"I do like guys," I said, meaning the regular like and not the "like like" that us kids of the Hey Arnold! generation knew.

My classmates then decided I was weird.

Harry Potter And The Half-Baked Screenplay

2009-07-16T05:16:00.001-07:00

I went to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince yesterday. It wasn’t good.

In the theater, I was feeling really carsick and I sat in between a bastard demon-child and a pedophile who laughed at inappropriate moments, so excuse me if this isn’t the best review I could write.*

I’m not going to bother with a spoiler warning* because 90% of the people who go to see the Harry Potter movies have read the books and know what’s going to happen, and if you’re one of those few who haven’t read them, well, you’re a loser and I don’t care if I spoil it for you.

One of the biggest things that bothered me was how the plot of the book was completely fucked with. Scenes aren’t in their proper places* and a lot of stuff is left out. I know an adaptation can’t be expected to include everything from the book, but this one just leaves so much out. I feel like I’ve been cheated.

In the beginning of the movie, Harry is seen reading an article in the Daily Prophet* proclaiming him as the Chosen One while a foxy waitress watches him. The waitress comes up to him and they flirt. This scene was not in the book, and it annoys me, but I suppose it serves its function: it shows that Harry is, indeed, not that squeeky little kid from the first movie, and that he is the Chosen One, a fact he’ll have to get used to. The waitress tells him she gets off at 11. Sadly for Harry though, that buxom waitress will be disappointed, as Dumbledore shows up and drags Harry away to get an old professor back . . .

Crap. I seem to be turning this into a review where I tell the entire story again*, so I’m going to stop that shit right now and just get on with my bitching:

Fenrir Greyback looked weird and he served no real purpose.

In one scene, the dialogue made me say “What the fuck?”*

What the fuck is up with the scene where the Weasleys’ house is burned down? That sure wasn’t in the book.

The pensieve was changed. A little consistency would’ve been nice, Mr. Yates.

Death Eaters should not be able to fly. If wizards could fly, why the fuck would they need brooms?*

Yates seems to have an annoying fascination with mood and weather change. Weather reflecting mood isn’t a bad thing when used in moderation, but Yates uses it way too much.

Too much with the “Oh yeah, these kids are teenagers now, so they can like date and stuff!” You get beat over the head with it.

There’s too much* attention on Malfoy. There should have been at least some ambiguity as to who was trying to kill Dumbledore, and Malfoy’s plan was pretty much transparent from the beginning. All the scenes where he’s trying to fix the vanishing cabinet shouldn’t have been there*. It’s called mystery, Yates, have you heard of it?

After I read Dumbledore die, I cried*. After I saw Dumbledore die, I didn’t really give a damn. The emotional impact of Dumbledore’s death was almost nonexistent.

After Dumbledore is killed*, the band of Death Eaters run from the castle, wreaking havoc on their way. The Great Hall is destroyed and Hagrid’s hut is set ablaze. But there should have been more. In the book, there was an epic battle inside of Hogwarts between the teachers and the Death Eaters. I would have rather seen this than Harry flirting with some chick. And what happened to Hagrid? His house was destroyed. Was he in it? Is he dead? Those who read the book know he isn’t, those that didn’t are left in the dark.

One of the first scenes in the movie was when a gang of Death Eaters destroy a bridge. In the book, the bridge’s destruction was only mentioned, but in the movie it was actually shown. This exemplifies the problem with the movie: it relies more on fancy, expensive CGI effects rather than good dialogue.

The one great part in this movie was in the cavern when all the zombies (or inferi) are being barbecued in a giant inferno set loose by Dumbledore. That part was pretty neat, but there was a problem with it. It was pretty reckless of Dumbledore to fill the entire cavern with fire while the kid whose blood, as Dumbledore says himself, is much more valuable than his own is being drowned.

Anyone who hasn’t read the books will be baffled by the movie. There are many things that they won’t understand completely until they read the books. That’s one of the problems with the recent Harry Potter movies: there’s no effort to make the movie stand on its own. It’s laziness; they know they don’t have to make it a good adaptation to make millions of dollars off it. Like Stephen Spielberg said: “I purposely didn't do the Harry Potter movie because for me, that was shooting ducks in a barrel. It's just a slam dunk. It's just like withdrawing a billion dollars and putting it into your personal bank account. There's no challenge.”

I once had this Harry Potter piggy bank. It was based off the tunnels at Gringotts Wizarding Bank. You put a coin in the slot and it rolled down three levels or “tunnels” until it plopped into a container at the bottom. It was pretty nifty, but the only reason it was made was to make money. That’s what this movie movie feels like; it’s more of an accessory than an adaptation.

Footnotes (for those who give a damn):

1. Though the concept of “best” is ludicrous.

2. Yet I am warning you by saying this.

3. The scene where Snape makes the unbreakable vow should have been first dammit. And the actor who played Narcissa looks like a fish.

4. This copy of the Daily Prophet must have been on ritalin because the pictures hardly moved. I suppose it would make sense if the pictures stopped moving around muggles, but why is Harry even reading it around them then? It’s this lack of attention to detail that makes this scene so annoying.

5. Dear God, this could’ve been the Alchemist review all over again.

6. I can’t remember which scene it was, or any of the dialogue. I’m sorry.

7. This is my biggest gripe with the new movies. It’s just so stupid.

8. I seem to be saying “too much” too much. Har har.

9. Though I admit, the chunk out of the apple and the dead bird are cool.

10. That’s true.

11. Ah dammit. More storytelling.

This is crap.

2009-06-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

The man was tall, no doubt about that. He was tall and lank, looked almost like the popular representation of Abe Lincoln. He even had a tall hat. Tall legs too. A child s standing next to him. What this child is doing here is anyone’s guess. Yes, anyone’s. Does he have any purpose in this story? We don’t know. Let’s find out. The child is tubby, probably has asthma or some other disease of the lungs which complicates his ability to physically act. The tall man’s name is Steve.

The child looked up to the tall man, a sliver of drool leaking down his double-chin.

“You know,” said the tall man.

“I know?” said the child.

“Do you know how the phrase ‘still-born’ came about?”

“I reckon’ I don’t, sir.”

“Of course you reckon’. Don’t we all reckon’?” A pause. Silence. “Well, once, long ago, there was this woman whose beauty surpassed all that is surpassable. 99.9% of the men in her village pawed after her like, I don’t know, paws, and all the women envied her beauty and stuff. The problem with all of this was that she was an abstinent woman. At least until she got raped one day on her way to the Kwik-e-Stop.”

“They have Kwik-e’s in villages?”

“Be quiet! The rapist forgot to use a condom and she had forgotten to take the pill. Why an abstinent woman needs birth control, I’ll never know. Well, the rapist impregnated her.”

“I don’t understand...”

“I’m not finished yet, impatient child!” He took out a pipe, lit it, threw it at a passing squirrel. “The woman grew heavy with each passing month. She thought she was getting fat. So, she stopped eating, went on a diet, exercised three hours every day. Of course, that didn’t help anything.”

“Why not?”

A stern stare. Continuance. “She grew lean. Poor child didn’t even understand what was happening to her. She was so young, so young. I think she was 90. I’m not sure. Don’t quote me on that. Well, when the baby was finally ready to burst out of her like slf-loathing from a lecher, she didn’t know what to do. Didn’t even know what a baby was, poor girl. Abortion wasn’t an option for her. Her parents were Catholic. They took her to the local hospital, and in those times the local hospital was the squishy herbalist’s house.” He stuck out his tongue and kicked a puppy into a garbage can. “The herbalist knew next to nothing about birthing a child. Huh, what is next to nothing? Of course, we could never know, but it’s an interesting question to posit. Anyway, when the baby was born, it was strangled by the umbilical cord. But, it was still born. Hence “still-born”. Not the best story, is it?”

The man stuck his tongue out at the child, who was probably traumatized. Who cares?

Disturbing Video #do you even care?

2009-05-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

An Atheist's God

2009-04-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

The life of the scientist was extinguished by the giant amoeba he had created in his lab (whose name was Spoogey). He was now floating inside a little pink bubble, much like that one bitch from The Wizard of Oz. He didn’t know where he was floating to. He felt like he was on some major drugs as the bubble flew over a bunch of mushrooms with what appeared to be a squat plumber jumping over them. Trippy, he thought. The bubble came to a rest on a giant cloud and unceremoniously popped, flopping him on the ground like some sort of fish-thing.

As he propped himself up, he witnessed a beautiful site, the pearly/ashen gates of Heaven (neat, huh?). He limped over to the gates and knocked on their pearly/ashen awesomeness. The gates squeaked open like the bones of some old man thing, and he slowly walked inside. A giant gelatinous marshmallow greeted him. It’s name was God, as evidence by the name tag on its gelatinous exterior. “Congratulations, you’re in heaven!” the marshmallow-thing said.

“Really?” said the scientist. “But I’m an atheist.”

“Exactly!”

“What? I’m confused.”

“Oh, I only let those who are logical enough to not believe in me go to Heaven,” God said, as he chomped down on a chicken leg.

“Wait, so I was wrong?”

“Yep!”

“So logic didn’t help much.”

“Yes it did! You’re in Heaven, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but I was wrong.”

“So? You were logical and that’s all that matters!”

“But logic has failed me! Don’t you see?! How can I, a scientist, be wrong?

“Will you shut up already? You're in ultimate paradise! Now be happy!”

“Logic has failed me! WHY?! WHY?!” he shouted, limbs flailing about as if he’d gone mad.

“OK, fuck you, you’re going to Hell.” A giant hole opened up in the cloud and the scientist fell, screaming like a chihuahua. “Alright, who’s next?” said God.

Dream #4 (In Story Form!)

2009-03-26T13:02:00.000-07:00

I was on some sort of field, either a soccer or football field. I'm not sure which. Probably soccer. Anyway, there was a big crowd, and a man was running toward me with a knife. He caught me, cut my right ear off, and then slit my belly, disemboweling me. I blacked out after that. When I came to, I was on my parents' couch, holding my intestines in my hands. I got up from the couch, feeling like a disemboweled person who's had their right ear cut off, and carefully walked to the kitchen, calling for my parents. For some reason they, or anyone else, hadn't thought to take me to the hospital or something. I laid my burdensome intestines on the glass table while I pleaded with my parents to take me to the hospital. They agreed. I was worried that my SO (Significant Other, for those of you who are less knowledgeable of abbreviations) would think I was dead or something, so I started crafting a text message to him, but I was interrupted by my parents who were dragging me to the car, suddenly worried about my health. I continued writing the text message while they were driving, but never sent it for some reason. My parents were talking about what hospital they were going to take me to, and my mom said something like "We're not taking you to Wesley, we're taking you to a real hospital." Apparently she was still upset about her recent stint at Wesley, where she received subpar treatment or something. They told me they were taking me to an Oklahoma hospital, and they kept driving. We arrived at a gigantic, deserted parking lot in front of gigantic, foreboding gates. We got out of the car and walked to the gates with me dragging my intestines (I feel I need to emphasize the intestine-dragging), and entered the gates into what appeared to be some sort of pagoda city; the things were everywhere. A path wound through this bizarre architectural hell which we started down. All around us people were milling about, apparently with nothing better to do. I overheard some of them conversing (yes, it's conversing, Mr. Ens) about me. "Did you hear about what happened to Alex?" "Yeah, I heard he's dead or somewhat." "I's a shame, that." None of them seemed to notice that I was right fucking there. You'd think they'd notice someone with a missing ear, dragging his intestines around. When we reached the end of the path, we found ourselves being dwarfed by an immense pagoda palace thingy with stairs leading to the top where a throne stood, and on that throne, I shit you not, sat Pamela Anderson. At this point I was wondering why the hell we were here. We ascended the stairs and Pamela greeted us with extended arms, marveling that I was alive, and asked how I was. I told her, "Well, my guts are hanging out and I'm missing an ear, but yeah I feel O.K." My parents asked her which hospital they should take me to, and she never really gave a clear answer. We left after awhile and got back in the car. My parents started arguing about something and that's when I woke up.

Disturbing Video #3

2009-03-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

Breathing Competition

2009-03-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

The spotlights all focus on the twelve contestants as they exit from behind the curtain and line up on the floor, all facing the moderator, who is standing on a dais and rather surprisingly looks nothing at all like Ryan Seacrest, but more like Dustin Hoffman with a severe heroine addiction. The spotlights now converge on the nameless moderator who then announces his name as Bill Osmo (good name for a moderator; short and easy to remember, which is one factor the TV shows consider in determining who they hire for their moderator. I doubt Mr. Seacrest would have gotten his job at American Idol if his name was Flangly Blingblam, but I digress) and he addresses the live studio audience in a voice somewhat reminiscent of a P.E. teacher’s, but not as harsh or strained from overuse. He introduces us to the general idea of the show (cleverly entitled “Down Your Neck”), which is pitting random homeless and/or bored and/or stupid people from the street in a competition of breathing. The contestant who can breathe the best is awarded a thousand and sixty-four dollars in check form, and the losing contestants get these adorable rubber duckies with the faces of popular U.S. presidents who have been rendered with inexplicably large foreheads in an attempt to make them look somewhat comical but really come off as looking incredibly creepy, which is why I like them and would prefer them to the thousand and sixty-four dollar check, but that’s just me.

Several crew members come out from behind the curtains and equip the guests with these machines that kinda look like scuba gear, the purpose of which must be to determine which contestant is breathing the best according to some predetermined scale of breathing. When the contestants all look comfy in their scuba-mask-things, the moderator yells, “Let’s get this show on!” which sounds rather lame for a TV host. You’d think they could come up with something less lame, wouldn’t you? Oh well. The moderator now briskly turns to face the contestants. The roar of the audience accompanies the spotlights as they turn towards the contestants as well. The Contestants wait for the moderator to start the competition. The moderator pauses, watching the audience with all their beady little eyes, like little chihuahuas’ eyes only creepier because they’re human and stuff. “Go!” the moderator shouts, giving the contestants a jump as they start breathing. There are cameraman all over the floor, getting close-ups of that breathing action. Yes, it’s very exciting.

About half an hour has passed. The audience is still on the edge of their plastic seats. Suddenly, but not quite suddenly enough to be considered sudden by, say, Spiderman, an audience member yells, “He’s wheezing! He’s wheezing!” while pointing franticly at the contestant on the far right who is indeed wheezing. Maybe he has asthma. I’m not sure. Posit a guess? No? Alright then. The wheezing contestant continues wheezing and the audience settles down again.

Five minutes have passed. The wheezing contestant is still wheezing, though it’s more pronounced, and he appears to be sweating vigorously.

Another five minutes have passed. The wheezing contestant is doing very freaky things. I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with him. He’s flailing his arms and feet about wildly, panting and sweating buckets. The other contestants have stopped breathing and are now stepping away from him. I don’t know why the crew members haven’t taken him away and given him some medical attention. Maybe they’re scared. Maybe they want this spectacle to continue. I hope they do soon. That guy don’t look too good.

Three minutes have passed. Oh God. That contestant’s head appears to have mutated into some sort of alien proboscis with teeth. He’s jumping on the moderator’s dais. He’s eating the moderator’s head. My word, this is fucked up. I’m leaving now.

Coraline: A Movie Review

2009-03-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hello ladies and gentleman, time for another movie review. As you can see this review is over the stop-motion film Coraline. When we are first introduced to Coraline she is moving into Pink Palace Apartments with her parents. Shortly after her arrival she meets a weird boy, named Wybie, and his cat. Wybie's grandmother owns Pink Palace Apartments but forbids him to enter the property. Wybie ends up giving Coraline a little doll that holds striking resemblance to her.

One day while exploring her house she comes across a small door in the living room that is locked. Once she opens the doors she is only greeted with brick. That night Coraline is awoken by a small mouse, and she chases it down to the living room where the mouse escapes through the little door (huh???). Obviously Coraline follows, and she ends up in some weird parallel universe. She ends up meeting these two people who call themselves her Other Parents. They have buttons for eyes though. Strange....After having a jolly old time there she goes to bed, but wakes up in her own universe. From that point she visits her other parents every night. Evetually it gets to the point where the Other Mother says Coraline can stay if she allows her to sew buttons over her eyes.Coraline goes to bed hoping she ends up back home, but is still in the Other World. Eventually the Other Wybie helps her escape and she comes back to an empty home (oh noes!). These rest of the movie deals with Coraline's attempt at trying to get her real parents back.

Overall, I love this movie. I thought in the beginning I would lose interest, but it started to grow on me. I thought Coraline was a bit of a smartass and if I had been her parents I would constantly been popping her in the mouth. She was kind of funny though. There are two sets of other characters you're introduced to. Mr. Bobinsky the neighbor from upstairs is a Russian gymnast who has to have one of the most unproportional bodies I have ever seen. He had little jumping mice that he was trying to train for the circue. Then there were to older ladies who lived downstairs named Miss Spink and Miss Forcible, who are retired actresses. I found these two quite amusing because they had tons of stuffed Scotty dogs up on a shelf because they don't like giving them up when they die. They also have a large collection of a hundred old taffy. I forgot which one it was, but one of them had ginormous boobs! In the Other World when they are performing a musical [I guess] the big boobed old lady was dressed up like Aphrodite. It was pretty gross because she had a jeweled thong and then jeweled pasties for her tah-tahs lulz.

The cat was pretty cool too because he talked in the Other World. He sounded really suave. The Other Mother was pretty freaky because she was actually a spider. I'm not sure how spiders fit in with people with button eyes though...But yeah, good film. I'm just annoyed because Coraline is going to become another big hit in Hot Topic and you're going to have all the lame mall "gawfs" buying up all the stuff just like they did for Sweeny Todd, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Pirates. Laaaame.

I Told You

2009-02-20T15:58:00.000-08:00

Digital television will kill us all.

Dream Numero Tres

2009-02-16T13:04:00.000-08:00

I can't remember most of what came before this, but oh well. I was in a building that looked somewhat like my high school, only there were no windows and few doors. It was just a hallway basically. Apparently it was under control by Nazis. We were in one of the hallways, sitting on the floor, and the Nazis told us to put all our money into jars. The people around me kept calling the money (which looked remarkably similar to dollars) crackers. I said, "Wait, aren't they called Krakows?" Nobody paid attention to me. The lead Nazi man then told us to take off our clothes and run to the next hallway, but nobody actually took off all their clothes. I took off my pants but had trouble taking off one of my shirts (I had two) so I was running after the other people trying desperately to get this shirt off. I suppose the lead Nazi man didn't like that as he ran after me yelling. There was a door near me and I figured "Why be killed by him when I could try to escape?" so I ran out the door and instantly heard the sound of turrets firing. I ran back inside, scared, and the Nazi man shot me twice in the arm. I faltered back against the wall and that's when I woke up.

The Room

2009-02-15T18:29:00.000-08:00

A dimly lit room contained an ashen and fragile girl. She lay half naked among tossled blankets and mutilated dolls. With her eyes glossy and vacant she hummed a sinister tune. A call to the lost souls rejected from the dear Christian's Heaven. They cried and they hissed and the crawled along her skin. She was the only one to accept them as they were. They took turns holding her hands and hugging her juvenile form. A door opens to the room and a mountainous silhouette loomed in the way. It crept into room and hovered over her. It was him. He reaked of malice and disease. He undid his pants and climbed ontop of her. He gave a smile and petted her hair. Don't worry, it won't hurt...much. He forced his way into her and she broke from her trance and screamed. The souls screamed with her. They felt her pain. They clawed at his body in attempt to make him leave their poor little friend alone. No use. Blood trickled onto the virgin white linen. The girl's tears fell in a constant flow. Please daddy, please, don't do this to me. He finished his crime and quietly left. She curled up into herself and wept. The souls huddled around her bed and bowed their heads in silence. Although they were sorry for their friend, they were not sorry to be dead. Pain and misfortune could no longer harm them.

Darwin Day.

2009-02-12T00:13:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday, Darwin!

*image photoshopped by me*

Repression.

2009-02-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

The boy sat at his desk, homoerotic thoughts plaguing him. Thoughts about boys and naughty things. He had been warned against those naughty things before by those that are no longer there; those that are but a mere memory in the fabric of existence.

The boy had a magazine in his backpack. A pornographic magazine that he had unwillingly stolen from his now-gone friend’s house, special in the fact that it was a gay pornographic magazine, displaying all sorts of naughty things happening between consenting adult males. His backpack was against his leg, which was shaking in a manner best befitting a nervous tick. He looked around: all was silent and empty. He reached for his backpack, intending to retrieve the magazine. “No,” he said to himself, his hand poised over the zipper. “No.”

He stayed his hand, kicking his backpack away from him, leg still shaking. He looked away from it. He bit his lip. He started sweating.

Afro-centric

2009-02-10T14:19:00.001-08:00

She had watched. Watched as the man she used to love began vigorously licking the black woman who’d been standing there for well over a decade; watched him slither his serpentine tongue across her bosom. She could not believe what she was seeing, watching, experiencing. The figurative sound of her heart rending in two was far more than just merely palpable; it was inescapable, filling the chamber with the screams of agonized heartstring. He had not noticed, nor had he cared. He continued flailing his tongue about, laughing deep in his throat; a diseased laugh, a diseased man. She wept.

Valkyrie: a movie review

2009-02-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

Valkyrie is a historical film based on the last of fifteen assassination attempts on Adolf Hitler. Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg [Cruise] is the protagonist of the film and has always held great a sense of hate towards Hitler. Hitler's tyrannical had left Germany in a state unfit for raising Stauffenberg's children and was just flat out stressful. Stauffenberg joins forces with several high-ranking Generals to develop the ultimate plan to dispose of Hitler. To assist in the plan, Stauffenberg rewrites Valkrie, and once it is finished it is now a document plots to mobilise the reserve army against Hitler's own SS troops. Sadly, the plan is never executed properly.

I never really knew what to expect from this film, but I can say that I wasn't let down. My attention was held the entirety of the film and there was a lot of suspense. I became extremely frustrated when one of the main people of Stauffenberg's team deviated from the the plan and cost them all precious time. Time was the only reason Operation Valkyrie was a failure. In the end the Reserve Army comes in and arrests Stauffenberg and all his men. They take them one at a time and execute them by firing squad. I have to admit that was pretty sad, but at least they went out in a respectable manner. The only issue I had with this film was the difference in accents among the cast. Most of the characters had British accents, two or three had German accents, and then Tom Cruise just spoke as he normally does. I think if a director chooses to take on a historical film from a different country, please, please, PLEASE make sure everyone has the correct accent! That pisses me off than no other. Take Shindler's List for instance...GERMAN ACCENTS! Maybe beside the accents I was a little disappointed with the fact they could only come up with a bomb, and a little one at that, to kill Hitler. Stauffenberg wasn't very creative. :[