I Hate Myself

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556305125957341024.post-26827235575775112962008-07-13T23:34:00.006-04:002008-07-14T15:36:23.044-04:00I Hate Myself(207) Vicary,Elizabeth - Hua,David [B52] Marshall July Open (4), 13.07.2008 1.e4 c5 2.Nf3 d6 3.Bb5+ Bd7 4.Bxd7+ Qxd7 5.0–0 Nc6 6.c3 Nf6 7.d4 Nxe4 8.d5 Nd8 9.Re1 Nf6 10.Bg5 e5 <a href="http://bp0.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrJgKp8NzI/AAAAAAAAA_U/8SWpIwR2xhA/s1600-h/hua+1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5222708272342775602" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp0.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrJgKp8NzI/AAAAAAAAA_U/8SWpIwR2xhA/s400/hua+1.jpg" border="0" /></a> Now I know what the choice is. I can take on f6 and have a nice, pleasant positional edge, space, a better structure, development, everything. For the pawn, yes, but it's nice for me. Or.... I can take on e5 like a HUGE F&^*ING STUPID ASSHOLE. I'm sorry about that. 11.Nxe5 [11.Bxf6 gxf6 12. Nh4] 11...dxe5 12.Rxe5+Now of course I have missed that after 12... Ne6 13.Na3 0–0–0 my pawn will in fact still be pinned. Why did I miss that? Because I was only interested in the black king, and I didn't even stop to think about where the black rook would be. I am a stupid stupid ridiculous excuse for a human being. I love chess most of the time; why do I have to be so awful? 12... Be7 13.Qe2 Kf8 Of course I forgot he could unravel like this also... 14.Nd2 Bd6 15.Bxf6 Bxe5 16.Bxe5 Qxd5 <a href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrMB5UQnvI/AAAAAAAAA_c/-cvy_yVQ5Fk/s1600-h/hua+2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5222711050827243250" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrMB5UQnvI/AAAAAAAAA_c/-cvy_yVQ5Fk/s400/hua+2.jpg" border="0" /></a>17.Nc4 Ne6 18.Rd1 Qc6 19.Qg4 Re8 <a href="http://bp2.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrMBxtDeFI/AAAAAAAAA_k/SAJtT2yvC2k/s1600-h/hua+3.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5222711048783755346" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp2.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrMBxtDeFI/AAAAAAAAA_k/SAJtT2yvC2k/s400/hua+3.jpg" border="0" /></a>Still, despite huge retardation, I seem to have some tactical possibilities. 20.Bd6+ Kg8 21.Ne5 Qc8 22.Qh5 g6 23.Qh6? [23.Qf3 f5 24.h4] 23...Qd8 24.f4 <a href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrMCNArdUI/AAAAAAAAA_s/TDQOq40cfF4/s1600-h/hua+4.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5222711056113825090" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://bp3.blogger.com/_dMCVCOEiZoE/SHrMCNArdUI/AAAAAAAAA_s/TDQOq40cfF4/s400/hua+4.jpg" border="0" /></a> 24...Nd4 25.Bxc5 Ne2+ 26.Kf2 Qxd1 27.Ng4 Qg1+ 28.Kf3 Qf1+ 29.Bf2 Ng1+ 30.Kg3 Qd3+ 31.Kh4 Qd8+ 32.Kg3 Ne2+ 33.Kh3 f5 34.Ne5 Qd2 35.Bc5 Nxf4+ 36.Kh4 Nxg2+ 0–1 I don't mind losing, it's just the feeling of being such a f&*ing stupid dumbass. I feel like punching myself in the face. I'm just so dumb, all the time. And you know what occured to me last night that I was going to tell you about? I realized that I play chess because it's pretty much the only time I ever feel anything. The rest of the time, with just a couple exceptions, I am almost completely numb. Somewhere along the way I turned into zombie. Chess is the only time I have more than an absolutely nominal interest in anything or anyone. And I study all the time, and dozens of good players help and have helped me, and I am still absolutely awful. don't leave me some stupid cheer up message. Elizabeth Vicaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04880561980096775673noreply@blogger.com