Israeli by Day, American by Night

Driver Loves Beer

2008-05-13T13:41:00.004+03:00

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me or with Israel, but I figured I'd share it. What a great world...

A CNN Article:

"An Australian driver who secured a carton of beer in his car with a seat belt but left a 5-year-old child unrestrained was fined 750 Australian dollars ($710; €460), police said Tuesday.

Constable Wayne Burnett said he was "shocked and appalled" when he pulled over the unregistered car on Friday in the central Australian town of Alice Springs.

The 30-can carton was strapped in between the two adults sitting in the back seat of the car. The child was also in back, on the vehicle's floor.

"The child was sitting in the lump in the center, unrestrained," Burnett told reporters Tuesday.

"I haven't ever seen something like this before," he said. "This is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child."

Actually, now that I think of it, this does have something to do with me in Israel. I tell my friends all the time that I miss cases of beer. The biggest package of beer you can get here, like in the supermarket, as far as I've seen, is a six-pack. A six-pack? How many six-packs do you need to throw a party...

Just buy vodka, instead.

A Bulldozer On A Small Street

2008-05-11T08:00:00.006+03:00

I wonder what the driver of this bulldozer was thinking when he woke up this morning. "Yes, yes, I will drive a bulldozer against traffic on a side-street today. I will do this at eight in the morning. I will do this on a street with a large elementary school, that way I'll catch all the people dropping their kids off. Yes, yes, I will get them..."

Honestly, sometimes I just love this country. I wake up pretty early for me, get to school by eight every morning, five days a week, and then begin my day just trying to fight through the normal early morning reticence. Sometimes that can be harder than the Hebrew I'm working on, which is saying something.

So, when the first thing I see before walking into Ulpan Etzion, my Hebrew immersion school, is a giant bulldozer blocking a whole line of soccer moms and their kids, well, it really starts the day off right! I watched this scene for about five minutes. The guy just sat there in his not-so-luxury Volvo, staring out of that giant glass window. That's got to be the safest Volvo this street has ever seen.

The dozer just sat there, waiting. The woman in the car directly in front of him, as you can see, finally got out of her car. The woman in the car behind her got out, looked at the line of cars backed up behind them, and just threw her hands up. Exasperated. A pedestrian went over to the driver and they chatted it up, actually just laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.

Mind you, I would have expected Israelis to be screaming, yelling, throwing menacing hand gestures, or in the least giving the evil eye. Instead, everyone was quite civil. Not normal in this country, it seems, when it comes to drivers.

Maybe we should have more female drivers? Or maybe more bulldozers on the streets, going the wrong way. You have to laugh when this world throws you purple lemons.

The craziest thing is that I don't even know of a construction site in the direction this guy was headed, and I've walked the area...

Jerusalem Zoo: Peeing and Humping

2008-05-05T23:34:00.011+03:00

I went to the zoo a couple days ago with a few friends. It's a nice zoo, with all the animals you could hope for. Don't worry, this peeing primate was just about the first thing I saw too. He was sitting there, squatting by the moat, staring at his audience. I guess he didn't think much of us.

Penguins in the Middle East? Yeah, we've got that.

That's a random lion tranq dart inside their cage area. They were just chillin'. I guess they already shot up? Junkie lions, who would have guessed?

And finally, a tiger mounts his lady. This was probably the best zoo experience EVER! Sex, drugs, exhibitionist urination - is this a zoo or San Francisco?

The zoo was actually really cool. It's called the "Biblical Zoo." What that means is that for each animal they put a passage from the Bible where such an animal is mentioned. Snakes, various types of rams, goats, and antelopes, insects and lizards and giraffes; everything.

I was loving the desert range they had. Giraffes, hippos, ostriches, rams, zebras - all living together. A massive hippo walked next to the alpha giraffe, an easy kill it looked like to me, and they just brushed by like any two New Yorkers not giving a fiddler's fart about the other. We've got a lot to learn from these beasts.

Here's one safe for the whole family. I don't want my grandma to think I'm a weirdo or something...

Who Needs A Translator?

2008-05-02T11:35:00.007+03:00

My boss sent me these pictures. These are 100% real signs in the Lake Kinneret area, the Sea of Galilee, the Jesus place (and Israel's biggest freshwater source). My boss, Mikhael, is pretty dead on with his observation of whatever mindset could allow these signs to actually be paid for and displayed in public as legitimate warnings for a well traveled area. I mean, these signs just take the cake!

According to Mikhael, and I agree: "I think that Israelis are so PROUD of their English, that they won't dare ask anyone to proofread it. I've been taking pictures of signs and wrappers since I got here, too. From the Psak Zman "4-play" candy bar (to put you in that special mood) to Kenvelo's F.B.I t-shirts ("Inspect body girl" -- get it?!), to permanent storefront signs ("Burger's Bar"), they just will not ask a native speaker to give it a once-over before it goes to the printers, I guess."

No, these are not Photoshopped.

That almost sounds like an Orbitz commercial. Keeps the teeth cleaning!

Could someone please translate the Arabic for me? Post them in the comment section on this post...

That one is probably the worst. It is, in no way, even just a terrible translation! It's on a different planet. The others were on the right track, with a bit of an adjective and noun shotgun blast. That one...

Heaven forbid the paid employee would stop any one of the thousands of Americans living in Israel and ask casually if their translation is correct.

Thanks to Benji at What War Zone??? for the link!

Yom HaShoa - Holocaust Remembrance Day

2008-05-01T11:41:00.004+03:00

Today in Israel is Yom HaShoa, or Holocaust Remembrance Day. It is a day to remember the six million Jews that died during World War Two, to keep their memory alive, and to energize our state towards the future. The remembrance of those who were struck down stands on its own as being a necessary memorial, but we also can combine this solemn day with a reminder of why Jews are sticking with the struggle to keep Israel a viable state. And moreover, this is a day that we can remind everyone how terrible war and despotism and blind hatred can be, how vile and destructive hate is, and strive together for peace and understanding. All of this peace and understand talk doesn't necessitate idealism, either: let's just not kill each other for what we believe in. That's all.

Well, that's what Israelis hope for on this day, at least. Not Hamas!

According to The Jerusalem Post, "Jewish leaders concocted the mass murder of handicapped Jews in order to keep from having to support them, and this murder is what the Jews term "the Holocaust," according to a documentary special that aired on April 18 on Hamas's Al Aqsa television station."

Also, "The film claimed Jewish leaders blamed the Nazis for their own massacre of Jews "so the Jews would seem persecuted and try to benefit from international sympathy.""

I dare anyone to try to tell me that Israel is the side that is not an honest member of the peace process. How do you deal with the Palestinian Hamas government? They control Gaza, and a recent poll showed that if elections were held today in the West Bank, Hamas would win a majority of government seats and positions there as well. The people that put on this film, this demonization of Jews and Israel, are the very people that are supported by a majority of the Palestinians - and they are our "partner in peace." This is a clear institutionalization of the impossibility on the part of the Palestinian government to even think of wanting peace with "the Zionist state."

Come on! Here's some of the video itself. Enjoy...

Check out my friend Benji's post on Yom HaZikaron, the memorial day for fallen soldiers of the IDF. There is a video showing how everything stops with a siren for a minute or so, everyone stands still, everyone stops their cars - nothing happens in Israel for this minute. Same thing happens on Yom HaShoa. Scroll down that linked page to see the video.

Jerusalem Post is Copying Me Again

2008-04-27T22:24:00.001+03:00

It's funny that I just wrote that post today on absentee, or largely absentee homeowners in Israel. Jerusalem Post is covering the issue today, too. I think they stole my idea.

Jerusalem, as I said, is particularly afflicted with this problem. Essentially, rich American Jews buy a home in Jerusalem and leave it vacant for 11 months out of the year. They don't rent it out, they don't share it, and this has really driven up prices in the area.

Check out this article for the whole story. Here's an idea: Hook me up when I'm in the army. I'll only be there about two weekends out of a month! If you want to be a good fellow Jew, email "dannybrothers@gmail.com" and let me just put my stuff in the closet! I'm a good guy, ask my mom!

Old England in Netanya, Israel

2008-04-27T16:03:00.007+03:00

Isn't that just beautiful? Most people don't seem to realize that Israel is on the Mediterranean, and being that the Mediterranean bears ethereal magnificence, Israel is graced with some of the most breathtaking beaches around. Yes, yes, the Caribbean and Thailand are great, but if you walk three minutes from an Israeli Mediterranean beach, well, you're walking on some Biblical site, in some Biblical town, by some Biblical characters and their homes.

What you're looking at in the picture is a view from a balcony overlooking some of the beaches in Netanya. Netanya is slightly north of Tel Aviv, obviously on the coast, and it's well known for having the Ikea store. That and the best coastline in Israel, at least according to me. Not only do kids surf there, but it's also a hot destination for riding horses on the sand. Considering its physical qualities, the foreigners have moved in en-masse.

Land values in Israel are on the rise, astronomically, in no small part due to the rise in foreign-owned property. Rich Americans, Canadians, Brits, and French are notorious for buying up apartments, old Turkish houses, and land in areas like Baka and Katamon in Jerusalem (the German Colony). These neighborhoods are literally the Little Americas of Israel. You can walk down the street in Katamon and hear Hebrew, but if you walk by a school in the morning, I can guarantee you you'll hear a mother or father talking to a kid or two in English. If you get on the number 18 bus on Emek Refaim and don't hear some English, you might want to make sure you didn't have a concussion and wandered somewhere else.

Those communities in Jerusalem are so Americanized, or owned by non-native Israelis, because they are gorgeous locations. Emek Refaim and the surrounding Baka/Katamon neighborhoods were expensive areas in the time of the Turks, and they haven't ceased to be the most desirous since. An example? When the German Templars (a Christian sect that owned this area) were evicted after WW2 by the British because of their support of Nazi Germany, where do you think the British officers lived? Yup, they squatted on the houses in Baka, Katamon, and on Emek Refaim. How nice are they? You can't buy a place for less than a million, and that's probably a junky attic.

I went to Netanya for the first weekend of Passover (Pesach). I have a good friend whose step-father is a Brit, and besides owning a nice apartment in, you guessed it, Katamon, they have a place in a community in Netanya actually not known as Little America, but rather as Little England. On the way to synagogue one morning, I ran into a random British guy, and he asked me where I was going to daven.

I told him "Young Israel," the synagogue that my host goes to. The guy looked at me, chuckled, and like a good Brit he came back with some biting wit. "Yeah, more like Old England." The synagogue is populated by a bunch of old guys. I guess it takes a lifetime of income to afford one of these places.

It seems strange to me that there are definitively American places, and as if there is any need to further subcategorize Western, non-native Israeli areas, there's also those definitively British and French spots as well. That's one aspect to the whole 'Israel as the center of Judaism,' where Jews from all over the world come here to live or play. You don't think of this country as being large and diverse enough to merit definitively foreign clusters, but humans are humans, and we tend to group ourselves as we find most comfortable.

That being said, most of that "foreign" business is American. In Jerusalem, in general, if you see an Indo-European text on a sign, it's probably in English. However, if you are walking on Rechov Nice (a street) in Netanya, those signs are going to be in French. At first I unwittingly laughed at the stupid Israelis, putting "cacher" instead of "kosher" on a restaurant ad. Use a spell check! But, remember the street name, Danny! It's not Nice as in "nice to meet you," but rather Nice, the French Riviera resort city. At least in Jerusalem they name the streets in Hebrew! Usually.

We had our Pessach seder at my friend's step-father's apartment, which is right on the beach, and has a view of the ocean. I've been here before, and I was anxiously awaiting going back to see that terrific seascape again. I was unaware, however, at how many people were going to be there. After I found out that about 16 bodies were going to be staying at the apartment, eight of which were girls under the age of seven, I got a little nervous. Then my friend, her brother, and her sister and I went over to their friend's apartment. This family happens to be doing Passover in Italy, if you get where I'm going with this. I've known all these people for a while now, but I guess I'm always a little taken aback when I see their places.

Let's just say I'm constantly plagued by the worst of the deadly sins.

If You Build It, We Will Come

2008-04-24T21:57:00.009+03:00

For once, every news outlet in the world is saying the same thing: Israel totally kicks ass at spying. Well, besides that Ben-Kadish guy that got busted last week for giving nuclear secrets over to Israel, which doesn't even make sense considering Israel has had nukes for decades. Anyway, if you remember my blog post on the Israeli attack against a Syrian nuclear facility back in September, you'll know that there was an official media blackout on the alleged incident. The government literally didn't even acknowledge that it occurred. Not a peep.

For some reason the U.S. Congress is being briefed on all of it, however. And of course, like our good media and government tend to do, we are going to get the leaks. We already got a little bit: Israel can put a spy ANYWHERE.

"The evidence includes pre-attack images taken inside the reactor building, which closely resembles the one at the Yongbyon nuclear center in North Korea...

It is believed that the video was shot by Israeli intelligence or a mole for the Israelis, the source close to the administration said."

That's according to CNN. How in the hell did we put someone inside that nuclear facility?

Hmm, OK, Israel kicks ass. We've established that now. Let's see what Al-Jazeera had to say about the potential Israeli spy.

"...intelligence chiefs planned showing US legislators a video which, they said, showed the alleged Syrian reactor had a core design similar to the North Korean reactor at Yongbyon...

It is not clear how the video was obtained."

This is one reason that Israel has always defeated the armies of the Middle East, the ones that have attacked us: They are too proud to admit weakness. As the poet Emerson said, "Our strength grows out of our weakness."

Pyromaniacs in Jerusalem

2008-04-22T22:11:00.007+03:00

(This picture, which I think is great, is from the site SaveTheAssistants.com. If you're an assistant, you'll love it).

Saturday night was the beginning of Passover (פסח), the holiday celebrating the Jewish departure from Egypt under the direction of Moses. In terms of the solidification of the Jewish people, this event and the following 40 years spent in the desert was the real beginning of the Nation of Israel. We were the Jewish people before we left Egypt and that period of slavery, but with our exit we showed G-d our true faith, we accepted the Torah at Mt. Sinai, and eventually we entered the Land of Israel in order to claim our homeland. The Passover holiday is a celebration of the birth of our nation and religion.

So how do we celebrate it in Israel? We set fire to parks in order to burn our chametz, or any leavened bread product. The custom is to clean your apartment like it is infected with mold, every inch of it in order to rid it of any chametz, and then finally you perform what is called bedikat chametz - literally checking of chametz. After you get a symbolic amount of this forbidden food together, a ritual you perform at night, the next morning you have to burn it completely. Everyone does this at the same time.

Hence the fires. This picture isn't even half representative of how large this flame got. As we were burning the goods, about five different guys came by with their chametz and asked, angrily, "Why did you make this fire right here? It's too big."

You know who started the fire? The city cleaning worker that left it unattended as he made his way around our street. Honestly, I think you'd get sued if you did that in America. Here, he was just being a good, although slightly irresponsible, Jewish citizen - providing a useful service for the masses. This guy here is performing bitul chametz, saying the prayer after burning the chametz.

Hebrew Is Gobbly Gook!

2008-04-17T20:28:00.002+03:00

Interesting Article Here!

This article that was on the Jerusalem Post website a few days ago is actually an answer to a question that I've had for a few years now. Considering that I am working with great effort on learning the Hebrew language, sometimes I look at its non-Indo European character set and I think, "Is this gobbly gook to anyone else?" I mean, do Israelis look at Hebrew text and see it like I see English -- as plain as my image in a mirror, as distinct as red and blue and green, as natural as the glare of a summer sun?

Apparently not!

Hebrew University did a study whereby they found that slightly jumbled words are more recognizable in English, and other Indo-European languages, than they are in Hebrew. For instance, "tutrle" and "mcie" are easier for English speakers to reorganize, instantly, into turtle and mice than their Hebrew equivalents would be.

This is because Hebrew is a root-based language. The Hebrew root is essentially a string of a few letters which have a definitive meaning, but can be used in tons of different forms (from verbs to nouns to adjectives) to carry on the meaning in a different context. You can't change them up.

In English, however, we would just have a totally different word with no connection between them. The best way to characterize the difference between Hebrew and English is that whereby English has thousands of more, distinct words, Hebrew is based more on context, structure, and these precious roots. Distinct words versus distinct word forms.

The roots can make for some really cool trivia. L'hosif, Yosef, tosefet - never mind.

Anyway, this makes me feel great! I kept wondering why my very smart teacher couldn't recognize a word in my homework because two letters were backwards. So those native Hebrew speakers actually don't have that instinctive recognition of Hebrew either! There's hope yet.

(If anyone wants to hear more about how AWESOME Hebrew is, comment on this post).

Another Interview, Hopefully...

2008-04-15T23:41:00.005+03:00

Looks like my alma-mater, William and Mary, might run an interview on yours truly. Williamsburg, Virginia, meet Jerusalem, Israel, orthodox Judaism, the Israeli army, and falafel.

The world might implode.

My Hebrew = 8 Year Old's

2008-04-14T23:21:00.003+03:00

I was walking to the supermarket a few days ago and I passed a little girl shouting from a falafel stand to her sister sitting in a parked car. She yelled across the sidewalk to her big sis' to ask her dad what he wanted on the falafel. It was too cute, but it also gave me some much needed linguistic faith.

"Tagee - tagee - tag - tageedi aba..."

She couldn't spit out her Hebrew either! It's funny that a child's poor language skills gave me a boost of confidence. Not that children speak poorly. Actually, quite the opposite.

My Hebrew is about the level of a small child's (in terms of true fluency), so when they speak so much more quickly and correctly than I do, well, it really makes you think "I SUCK."

Thank you stuttering Israeli child for giving me hope.

Israeli Candy

2008-04-11T11:06:00.005+03:00

Israelis generally speak English pretty well. They start learning that lingua franca somewhere around first or second grade. The TV show "Friends" was a huge hit, and I personally was involved with an Air Force intelligence officer who spoke perfect English; she claims it was from watching that show. I was on the bus recently and saw an Israeli high schooler reading an English novel. They speak English!

So how on G-d's green earth do these misplaced and inappropriate words and expressions go unnoticed?! I love it, don't get me wrong, I love it, but aren't we trying to be a first-rate country over here? The real joke is whether or not they plan on trying to export anything to an English speaking country. I love me some sugar candy, but maybe this isn't just candy...

If you notice, I already got my fix. Pretty powerful sugar if you ask me. Look at those faces! I can just hear them now:

"Hey man, hey, I swear it's good, man. Just take a hit, bro, it'll mess you up!" Says the winking guy in the upper left corner.

Tongue hanging out, drool dribbling down his chin, this joker manages to slur "I can't feel my face, man. Why you starin' at me?"

"Withdrawal is a bitch..." says the frowny face in the lower right.

And the best? What kind of advertising is this, at least for parents who may buy this drug for their kids? Yes, I want my child to be so high on "Magic Dust" (say that slowly) that his eyes go in different directions. "You gotta try it, you gotta try it!"

Finally, look at this sedated face. "I'm so messed up I can barely keep my eyes open, my pupils are so dilated you can barely see the color, and damnit, it feeeeeels goooood."

I had the brilliant idea to take a picture of this bag next to a line of salt and a rolled up bank note, making it look like a real drug scene. I figured my mom and Google wouldn't share my humor, though. Hey, quit stifling my creativity, stupid anti-drug society! We here in Israel know how to do it, even if we do advertise candy corn on a bag of pure sugar in a country where I have never even seen candy corn. Good riddance to that stupid Halloween treat. I'd rather have the Dust, baby. Yeah, get me some more of that Magic Dust.

I love Israeli candy.

Middle East Tango

2008-04-09T23:31:00.004+03:00

So, if you read my previous post or even read CNN's headlines yesterday, you would have noticed that Israel had its largest emergency preparation drill in history. The drill was to evaluate our readiness for any attack, be it from neighbors, Heaven, or Hell. Hell not withstanding, we're doing alright. Actually, I don't know how well we did, but in this country if you don't see a slew of vicious op-eds, well, it must have been pretty good!

Our fun-loving Syrian neighbor to the north decided two days after Israel's drill to conduct their own. After weeks of groaning and bemoaning Israel's supposed escalation of war-like tension, Syria chose to cast caution to the wind and jump into the fray. I can only imagine their cabinet meeting where this was decided.

"Eh, maybe you think we need drill too?"
"Yes, yes, we will show them."
President Assad rubs his long chin, a smirk slowly spreads across his boyishly handsome face, and he can't help but exclaim the brilliant maneuver. "Excellent, excellent."

My only response is to smile and laugh at all this foolishness! I mean, come on, we held a drill that basically was to prevent Israel from having unnecessary difficulties in the case of another Lebanon War, a war that was started by a bunch of terrorists out of the blue. We were hanging out, they launched missiles. We were not ready. That's it.

So, we just want to be ready in case someone gets a smart idea, not for some offensive campaign against the innocent civilians of Lebanon, as Al Jazeera would want you to believe! If I was the prime minister, I would send a very public call to Bashar Assad and say, "Brosef, we aren't going to attack you, but I hope your drill goes well. Ours was kickass!"

I swear I would make that call. I swear it.

To Prepare For The Worst

2008-04-07T22:28:00.004+03:00

Yes, I agree with the girl in the picture: WTF? Tomorrow, Tuesday the 8th, Israel will be holding what will apparently be the largest war and terror preparation drill that it has ever undertaken. The drill is to alert us to all the various types of attacks that we have to be ready to deal with: chemical, biological, conventional, maybe even nuclear - if you can prepare for such a thing. This drill is going to be held at 10 am, which means that everyone is going to be rushing to the miklatim (bomb shelters) found in the basement of just about every single building here. Walking along the streets, if you read Hebrew, you would see hand painted signs on every corner or stone wall pointing towards the closet shelter. They usually are never more than a step away, if that. So, this drill is just to enable us to evaluate how our safety procedures would work in case of an emergency, any emergency necessitating shelters.

Nevertheless, the plan comes at something of an inconvenient time in terms of politics, and an extremely fitting time in terms of reality.

Politics: Our neighbor to the north, Syria, is pretty convinced that we are getting our ducks in a row for a war. They think we are readying to start a war. Considering that our defense minister recently canceled a planned trip overseas in order to tour the Syrian-Israeli border, considering our military exercises in the north, and even now because of this civilian drill, well, I don't blame them. They don't realize that Israelis wouldn't take on a war right now even for all the Google stock in the world. None other than CNN is reporting on this today, on the seeming Israeli preparations for some offensive.

As you can see from the picture taken during our school-wide discussion with a female soldier whose entire job is to detail emergency preparations, this is just a precaution. We're talking about what we should do in the case of an incoming rocket, just the same as when we had to duck in the hallways in middle school in Virginia to simulate attacks by G-d: hurricanes and tornadoes. If this was Israel's preparation to start a war, I think we'd have a little more heads up than just one 19-year-old girl and a laptop.

This is an inconvenient time because we already have so many enemy states around us saying whenever we so much as sneeze, "Look! See? Israel is bracing for war!" And then we hold this war drill, and our STUPID politicians go and run their fat mouths saying things like Benyamin Ben Eliezer's "We'll destroy Iran if it attacks us." These enemy states, like Iran and Syria, are just waiting for excuses to either bomb us directly, or for justification to continue their massive monetary and military support of terrorist groups like Hizbullah. So, what do we do for people who want justification to hurt us? Guys like Ben Eliezer give our opponents prewrapped packages that they can then take to CNN and say, "Look! See? Israel is threatening us!" I can just see my dad shaking his head right now in disgust. "Israel has the worst PR in the world, and it's their own fault." On days like today, I agree.

Reality: The sad truth is that this is an inconvenient and dangerous time to even hint at military preparations in Israel, but that is a sad political truth. The reality is that we are always, since before Israel was even declared a state, on the ready for war. Or at least we should be. We found that out in 1973 during the Yom Kippur War, on the highest Jewish holiday, that we can be attacked at any moment with no warning. Even if our civilian emergency routines provoke a war, what option do we have? What is better, to not practice life-saving techniques in the vain hope that we will stave off attacks, or to prepare and be prepared when the worst happens -- which we should by now expect?

The reality of the situation is that we have to prepare, even if the bad guys misinterpret our actions.

Ah, but relax, hope is not lost! Though Ben Eliezer has a stupid, fat mouth, he is right! Iran would not attack us, as he says, because it would mean the end of that already failed state. Syria hasn't dared touch us since 1973. I laugh quite heartily at the idea that Hizbullah thinks we would "lose" a second round of war with them. We learned a lot from 2006, which we didn't lose in the first place, and they really aren't willing to jump into it with us at this point. Think about it like this:

1) They have all the rockets and guns and manpower that they had in 2006 before the Second Israel-Lebanon War, which they consider a success.
2) They have Iran and Syria on their side.
3) They have world sympathy on their side.
4) That world support, however, isn't going to win them any concessions from us, which they know.
5) Therefore, they have no reason to not attack us if they think they could "win." They get nothing from us except that which they would take in war.
6) They surely want a victory, as that would really bring them into power in Lebanon.
7) So they realize that they must fight us to get what they want, though they haven't attacked or threatened to...
8) Conclusion: they aren't ready for war.

Aha, the truth comes out!

Honestly, 90% of this meeting with the female soldier was talking about what to do in case of a major earthquake. This region is long overdue for one, as I said in this previous post. One worry at a time, right?

Celebrity? Not yet.

2008-04-03T01:09:00.004+03:00

The Virginia Jewish Life magazine interviewed me a few months back, and now it is in print. You can read the interview at their website. I really don't like the editing job they did (i.e. none), but no worries. Pretty neat though, right? Click on this link to see my ugly mug and read the interview.

http://www.virginiajewishlife.com/inside.html

I don't know how long that link will work, so let me know if it goes dead!

Modern Ultra-Orthodox Jews

2008-03-26T20:28:00.006+02:00

How often do we walk through our daily routine without opening our eyes, without raising our gaze from the pavement, unaware of the numerous unique eccentricities of our surroundings? I find myself dragging my feet, stumbling from point A to B, only partially aware that I am missing something, a certain neglected "something" that must make one day different from the next. In fact, one of the reasons that I moved to Israel is because here, in this strange land with these strange people, I readily notice that life can be stranger than fiction. People do bizarre things. Store signs are absurd. Politics are comical. Food is alien. The otherworldly nature of Israel forces me to open my eyes; forces me to concentrate on something other than my own ruminations.

So, after walking out of class and rushing back home to start working, I crossed the street with eyes wide open at the subject of this picture. Without going into a big long explanation of all the various religious groups here in Jerusalem, let me just offer this one horribly oversimplified commentary. Essentially, the more black dress-clothes that a Jew is wearing, the more traditional they are. The more "orthodox," as the English term goes. For example, if you see a guy wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but also a knit black yamika, he's really a "modern orthodox" Jew. He keeps Shabbat and kosher, but he may or may not really be so strict in Jewish law - or at least he would do things outside of the traditional laws of modesty, like go to bars.

If you see a guy wearing black dress pants and a blue dress-shirt, completed with a white yamika, he probably is a little more strict, probably prays the three regulated prayer sessions a day, absolutely keeps kosher and Shabbat, and more than likely he has spent some time in a yeshiva.

Now, finally, if you see a guy with a black suit and a white dress-shirt, black yamika, and even a black overcoat - well, his entire life is religion. He more than likely studies Torah and Talmud all day, every day. He more than likely requested exemption from the Israeli Army in order to live this religious life. He really doesn't go out to bars, he doesn't hang out downtown and people-watch, he probably doesn't go to movies, and he certainly doesn't have a television at home. Also, chances are that he doesn't work, but rather studies in yeshiva for a stipend. This lifestyle is referred to as being frum in Yiddish, or haredi in Hebrew, and ultra-orthodox in English. This group is what you see in Crown Heights and Flatbush, Brooklyn. These are the diamond dealer Jews in NYC. These are the people that live in Mea Shaarim in Jerusalem. They catch a lot of flak wherever they live, and they can be more than controversial with religiopolitical views, but I have enormous respect for this spiritual pillar of Jewry.

Like so many societies around the world, the revolution in technology and the globalization of culture has led to the youth of even the most traditional communities to adopt what many would consider "modern" ways of life. These adopted patterns and habits can be seen all over Jerusalem, the center of traditional Judaism for the entire world, and are of course the domain of the youngsters. Walk into any little falafel restaurant or mini-market that has a TV for watching sports games, and there you'll see a crowd of teens in black suits watching Euroleague soccer, drinking Coca-Cola, and smoking Marlboros. Or, go to the downtown square on a Thursday night, the big party night in Israel, and amidst the roaring secular revelers you will find a clustering of religious boys nursing a bottle of vodka, observing the mayhem unfold. The religious have cellphones, iPods, and digital cameras. They will attend sporting events. You'll see them in the mall. The orthodox community is being led from the ghetto, the shtetl-life, an enclave that has defined them for the past millennia.

That being said, some things are still just unheard of. Mopeds are very popular here, namely because they are cheap and gas efficient. Secular and religious guys both ride them, with no clear tendency for one or the other to have this vehicle instead of a car. Not a big deal. Secular girls can occasionally be spotted on a moped, as I chanced upon a few days ago, and although it merits staring, it's still not anything to write home about. But, what I have only seen once during all the combined time that I have lived in Israel is an ultra-orthodox, frum, haredi couple riding one of these things together. It's just too much! They're married, of course, but there's still too much touching going on in public for the traditional laws (which ban all touching between the genders outside of marriage -- all touching). The suggestion of sexuality is simply too strong, with the female's legs being essentially wrapped around her husband. It's just not seen.

So, when I was crossing the street after my Hebrew class and walked right by this ultra-traditional couple going along in a very untraditional manner, and I dare say anti-traditional manner, I couldn't help but open my eyes. I couldn't help but lift my head from the pavement, pull my mind out of the clouds, and focus all of my attention on a sight that I figured I probably wouldn't see again for quite some time. Realizing that I had taken my dad's advice and permanently placed my camera in my backpack, I ripped the camera from it's case, fearing that the stoplight would turn green any second, and took as many shots as I could. As their light remained red longer than expected, I looked to the drivers of the cars around them and noticed that every single head was pointed in their direction.

Honestly, a picture is worth more than a thousand words. Notice one thing among a hundred others that I could mention: His shoes. He's not wearing black dress shoes, though he has on every other element of the ultra-orthodox garb. Rather, he is wearing the ultra-hip Puma-style sneakers, a fashion that threatened to put my beloved New Balances out of business recently.

This is really what I see as a new wave in the ultra-religious youth and young adult segment, and it is a trend that I feel a true affinity towards. They do not want to leave behind the traditional garb, so they will continue to wear black suits, white shirts, long black overcoats, and black Fedora hats. The women will continue to dress in black and cover nearly all skin and hair. The change, however, is that there is a real effort to dress poshly, to keep up with the fashions of the day.

The guys will get nice suits, white dress shirts that have special patterns in the fabric (like tiny squares or lines) or fancy buttons, expensive shoes, and they'll keep all of it very clean. The women will wear name brand clothes or dresses with a long-sleeve shirt underneath to make sure the laws of modesty are covered, as is their skin. Instead of wearing a wig (women have to cover their hair), they'll get a glittery scarf that really is quite pleasant to the eye. This combination of dress-clothes and modern fashion is, in my opinion, one of the classiest, hip, and sophisticated styles that I have ever seen. I like it.

The point here is that even in Jerusalem, the holy city, and even within the most religious and time-tested, uncompromisingly ancestral groups, the power of Western culture is just about unstoppable. There is so much talk about the plight of the American economy right now. Turn on European television and I guarantee you if you listen for half an hour you'll hear about "the falling dollar." No matter, though, the pervasiveness of the American way of life is stronger than ever, and it has reached its hand deep into a congregation that had no intention of accepting any outside influence.

The Young Guard

2008-03-23T12:07:00.013+02:00

All across Israel little children are given the big responsibility of being crossing guards for heavy pedestrian walkways. They take it seriously, too! I've seen a little girl, no older than eight, no taller than my hip, yell at a grown man in his SUV. And heaven forbid if you are a pedestrian and you cross without their permission...

Here's the crowd that I have to walk through everyday after my class. We're right next to a fairly large primary school that seems to have a lot of American kids. It's a rich neighborhood, so every morning I hear "have a good day" more than anything in Hebrew. Purim, however, is a dress up day shared by all kids, from those in this picture to the joker in the mouse suit.

While walking to class, my friend and I were brushed aside by the cutest little girl in the world. She was dressed up as a ladybug. I was almost thrown into the bushes off the sidewalk as she tore by, excited to show her classmates her outfit. Oh how I miss the days of dressing up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

MOUSE MAN!

2008-03-20T23:09:00.006+02:00

Tonight was the start of Purim, which in Jerusalem lasts through Sunday. Purim is the holiday remembering a very specific story of Jewish past. In short, we were exiled from the Land of Israel (6th century BCE), and found ourselves under Persian rule. Persian King Ahasverus had a high-ranking officer named Haman. When Haman was entering the palace, the high priest of the Jews, Mordechai, would not bow down to him. Haman wanted to kill Mordechai and the Jews, and he got Ahasverus' permission to make a decree to exterminate all the Jews in the Persian Empire. So, Mordechai sends in his niece, Ester, Ahasverus' new queen, and she talks to old Ahas. He loves her, she reveals Haman's plan, Ahasverus has Haman hung on the very trees he planned to hang the Jews on... yay! As we say: They tried to kill us, they got theirs, now let's get drunk!

Purim is celebrated by giving gifts to the poor, gifts to our friends (mishloach manot), listening to the reading of the Scroll of Ester (telling this story -- which is found in the Tanach/Bible), and finally, getting very drunk during a ritual meal. If you want to know why, I can tell you.

Apparently, in Roman times a custom was developed to dress up in silly costumes for Purim. So, Purim is like the Jewish Halloween, minus paganism and plus a strong religious purpose, theme, and traditions. Everyone is dressed up in Israel tonight. Everyone is partying. Everyone is out and about and... most seem to have a mouse outfit on.

I was walking down a back alley, taking a shortcut to my bank's ATM, when out of nowhere a motorcycle screams by, going way too fast, and the driver was gunning his engine in the manner that cyclists do to get attention. Very manly. Or should I say, very mously?

Yeah, I never claimed to be a comedian! But seriously, this was the funniest thing I've seen in months. You don't even realize how much effort it took to get these pictures. I had to chase him around 3 different corners, me on foot, him on a powerful streetbike. Eventually I turned a corner and there he was, getting off his bike, and walking into a sushi restaurant. Five minutes later he comes out, I get the pictures. I felt like either a Mossad agent or a stalker.

Humorous Tel Aviv Art Part 3

2008-03-19T20:40:00.006+02:00

Tel Aviv is a real city, as opposed to Jerusalem. They stay up late, stores stay open till the wee hours, and there are tons of clubs. I heard once that the beach area of Tel Aviv (it's on the Mediterranean) has more clubs per block than any other city in the world. Not sure if that's true or not, but there are a lot, I know that. I feel like Spain or Brazil probably has to take that award, though.

Anyway, as I was walking around at 4 AM in a residential area of TA last Thursday, I noticed this interesting sandwich shop. 4 AM and they were still making custom paninis and baguettes from a kiosk building (typically coffee stops), and I was quite tempted. I opted for a picture, instead.

Also, like the Star of David drawn on a bus window sill that I wrote about a few weeks ago, an unlikely Magen David caught my eye. Right there in the entrance of a not so religious clothing store, an "immodest" style of clothing, there was a Star of David on the floor. It was very pretty, made out of what looked like small tiles, and glittery. Just right there in the entrance to an Israeli - not "Jewish" - clothing outlet, a tiny boutique, there is our heritage. In the midst of an area that even goes so far as to call itself anti-religious, you cannot escape the Jewishness of this land and people. Again, reason #247 that I love this country.

Humorous Tel Aviv Art Part 2

2008-03-18T13:50:00.003+02:00

Today our teacher, Sara, brought in Hamantashen and candies. We were doing a written exercise, she left the room, and then returned with a huge smile and an even more massive plate of these scrumptious Purim-time only pastries. Remember, this woman was born in 1947, so to see her bound in and float around like a 16 year old, well, something had to be up.

She says, "I'm extra happy today! I have a new grandchild!" We all congratulated her, of course, and asked questions for about the next 20 minutes. I have to say that the best Hebrew practice is asking someone about their life, their family, their histories. Turns out, however, that her son married an American girl (whose father is Israeli) and they moved to Holland about 5 years ago. Sara says there is "no chance" that they will return. She said the kids will probably return when they're our age, and she'll teach them Hebrew in this very room. She has a good sense of humor. Still, it's very sad that her mathematician (PhD) son chose to leave the motherland and his people.

Even more sad for Sara! I'm not sure, and no one mentioned it, but when I asked if he will return, she said "no chance," and turned to the side a little. I think her eyes teared up, she lifted her hand to her neck and rested it there, and didn't say anything for a few seconds. This was pretty much when I was the only one talking to her, but it seemed fairly clear to me that she was momentarily emotional. That passed quickly, however, and she once again took up the plate and forced more and more candies and pastries on us. She was literally dumping chocolates onto our tables. I told her she really is a Jewish mother -- er, grandmother!

American Jews, European Jews, North African Jews, Middle Eastern Jews; all of our mothers think we're starving to death!

On that note, here's a store in Tel Aviv on the main shopping street of Dizengoff that my grandmother should enjoy.

Humorous Tel Aviv Art

2008-03-17T09:01:00.005+02:00

Street art in this country tends to be weird and or comical. I was in Tel Aviv a few days ago, as I mentioned, and some things caught my eye. These were on stores, on their glass walls. Not sure if they were for the store, part of their logo or something, but I found them funny. There are others that I will post throughout this week.

Enjoy the drug-induced chamsa and the evil pitchforker. Again, you can click on the image for full-size, or you can right click and download it ("Save to Desktop").

Israeli-Arab Conflict: Sexy?

2008-03-16T18:50:00.005+02:00

It's funny I wrote about Tzipi Livni just a few days ago. This is what she said recently, according to Haaretz:

"I believe there is hope, I believe there is opportunity," said Livni. "I know the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is the sexiest conflict in the world and everyone wants to be involved," said Livni, who visited Washington earlier in the week. "I think the world should leave it to us. There is no need to push us. It is about our lives."

Seriously. Can't help but love this woman, even if she is aligned with the worst prime minister ever.

Shout-out to Bethany for the heads up.

Jerusalem Breeds Crazies

2008-03-14T07:45:00.003+02:00

Jerusalem: Bus drivers that look like Danny DeVito, and crazy people on those very buses.

This world seems to have everything worked out perfectly. Instead of staying at my friend's beautiful apartment in Tel Aviv last night, I decided to take a walk and catch a shuttle back to Jerusalem - at 5 am. Eh, I wanted to get back to my place, and I had a lot to do. I'm glad I left considering the spectacle I was graced with.

So I got into Jerusalem, and caught a bus back to my apartment. On the ride there, a fairly pretty lady around the age of 40 got on, followed by a massive man, probably about 4 feet wide, literally, aged 30 or so.

She bounded to the seats that are two rows of chairs facing each other. She sat down on the right side of the bus, or rather she jumped into her seat. She popped out of that seat and fell into the window seat, and then fidgeted some more. She stood up abruptly, speaking incoherently to herself, and then switched to the left side of the bus. She sat down on the aisle seat, and instantly sprung up out of the chair, a smile ten feet wide across her tanned face, and threw herself into the window seat. She told the guy sitting across from her, facing her as the chairs are situated, to hold her coffee cup while she got her bus pass from her purse.

"Hold this. Thank you. What's wrong with you?" He had Downs' Syndrome.

She tore through her purse, grabbing item after item.

"Tissue. Tissue! Another tissue, what the hell?!" She was not speaking with an indoor voice. "Hey," pulling out a lighter, "Na," starting the religious chant of a group that follows a certain Rabbi Nachman, a group that has a chant drawing out his name. "Na," pretending to ignite the lighter, "Na, nach..." Almost, smiling no less than 20 teeth's worth. "Nach, nachma!!!" She's crazy! "NACHMAN!" And there she goes folks, she's officially nuts. She lit a lighter while chanting the Breslav Nachman mantra. And just as fast as she went through this, she puts the lighter in her left hand between all the tissues, resuming the rummaging.

"Tissue! What is this?!" Crazy. "Hey," looking at the Downs' Syndrome guy, "how are you?"
No response. Blank stare.
"Hey! Tain li neshika," thrusting her right cheek in front of the guy. "Tain li neshika," darting her left cheek in his face. "Tain li!" Give me a kiss. "Hey, this is my brother. You like him instead? You want to come with us? Come! Now, let's go!"
Fear. Still holding the coffee cup, which probably had anything but plain coffee in it, he began to extend it towards her. Fear. Eyes as open as canyons. No words.
"What's with you? Hey, everybody, what's with him?!"
The man with Downs' Syndrome shoves the cup into her hand, grabs his bag, tears himself from his seat as the bus is still moving, wheels on his right heel, hunched over as we tend to do when rising and turning at the same time, and then is thrown about five feet towards the middle door as the bus driver hits the accelerator. He is propelled like a Kassam into a guardrail next to the back seats.

This sends the woman and her "brother" into hysterics. She abruptly stands, laughing at his misfortune and fear, and starts to pray wildly, rocking back and forth as the religious do. "Ha, did you see that?! Adonay was king, Adonay is king, Adonay WILL BE KING! NACHMAN!"

"Amen," says the brother.
Taking a sip of her coffee concoction, "AMEN AND AMEN!"

She falls into her seat again, still rummaging through the purse for a bus pass. More tissues. She is now holding an entire fist full of Kleenexes. She pulls out a small tube, all smiles, "sniffalee!" Another lighter. A cut straw, "another sniffalee," and a small metal case, "hasamim..." The drugs.

"SNIFFALEE! NA-NACH-NACHMA-NACHMAN! SNIFFFFFFFF!!!" The religious woman couldn't help but turn around and stare, and I was way past caring by this point. This woman is literally screaming, smiling, laughing, all at the top of her lungs, as her morbidly obese brother smiles silently. He does manage to say, "everyone always thinks she's crazy, but she's not! She's my sister!"

"Hey, Driver! DRIVER!"
He smiles, unable to ignore her good humor.
"Hey, what do you think, Driver?"
He smiles.
"Hey! Here's the pass! I told you I had it," looking to her brother, "I TOLD YOU!"
The driver and I exchange glances through the mirror. He is loving it.
"Hey! Oh, oh no! This is us! OK, STOP THE BUS NOW! OK! DRIVER, thank you very much, Driver."

The Danny DeVito look-alike driver stops at a non-designated area, something you never see, and she actually runs off the bus. Runs. Her brother waddles, of course.

This was 6:57 am. Not a bad way to start the day.

Tzipi Livni: Let's Marry

2008-03-12T20:08:00.006+02:00

After a Jerusalem Post report uncovered a secret Israeli government ban of the Qatar-based "news" service Al-Jazeera, the foreign ministry decided to play it straight:

"The official's statement came a day after Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni ripped into the Qatar-based network at a meeting with ambassadors posted in Israel, saying that "when depicting Israeli attacks, Al-Jazeera abuses the situation on the ground by telling lies. Unfortunately, during these attacks [in Gaza], civilians were killed. I am not trying to change facts. But, of course, when it comes to Al-Jazeera, everything is exaggerated."

I grabbed that from this Jerusalem Post article.

Tzipi Livni "ripped" the network. She did it in front of a roomful of ambassadors. She most likely wore a snappy business suit. Al-Jazeera is painfully anti-Israel, preposterously biased for a news service that claims to be unbiased, and they deserve to get shut out from having access to the government. We are banning them from entering government offices, and consequently they won't be getting interviews from officials. Tzipi says so!

I'm not sure if this is smart or short-sighted on our part, considering that they twisted our words before when we did grant them access, and so now they will most likely twist them even worse... I don't know about that, but I do know that I like Tzipi Livni. To be honest, I don't know her personal political leanings or anything. She is, however, too close to Olmert, who NO ONE likes. She's his right-hand lady, so she sometimes tows the party line, but she's all business. Who doesn't appreciate a woman that stands up to the leaders of the world and flips her hair and says, "hey, shut up, I'm talking." I don't know if she has ever done that, but I'll just go ahead and say I bet she wants to.

And I have a thing for older ladies, especially the type that could beat up the president of Iran.