When my Heart Speaks

I'm gonna miss you...

2009-06-30T14:56:00.004+08:00

today, at 11:55am, my dearest lola went to heaven *sobs*

my heart is in pain that she's gone.
but somehow relieved that she finally rested.

with the kind of life she lived for 91 years, i know that God is waiting for her at the gates of His abode.

You deserve eternal rest and peace Mama Mi! God bless your soul! I know you are happy wherever you are now. I love you dearly and I'm surely gonna miss you!

One Year Older

2009-06-14T23:51:00.007+08:00

yes, i turned a year older last June 11. i am now 28 and fabulous! teeehhheee!

i just thought that having a portrait photoshoot before my birthday is something life-changing LOL. thanks to Jhoe, who undeniably took lovely shots after trying really hard to capture my expressions :D

luckily, i was able to project some :D but only after much scolding from her and the assistant :p

i am sooo proud of myself! haha =)

(btw, another reason for doing this, is to practice for the prenup photoshoot with our photographer.)

* more pictures to come!

Some Things.

2009-06-09T16:29:00.003+08:00

i will be turning 28 in a few days and my birthday plans didn't turn out the way i wanted it to be. i've been feeling a bit nervous, worried, guilty, happy, sad and anxious all at the same time. is it because i planned not to prepare at all for the trip? but i booked my ticket months ago and was really giddy that finally, i will be travelling alone in a place i haven't been to. i decided not to plan because i want to take on an adventure. i want to land on that country appreciating every little thing. but sadly, it will not happen this time. maybe next. let's see.

this week is Mario's last week of his tourist visa and the worry-freak in me is starting to show up. what's keeping me still and calm is the hope that God will grant our heart's desires. truly, He will! we will apply for extension!

when i went home to Cebu last last weekend, i saw how my grandmother was suffering in that hospital bed. i have to hold back my tears but i did cry. at some point, i just want to pull off all the tubes connected to her so she can rest. it was such a depressing and hopeless situation *sobs*

yes, this month is my birthday month and i'm poor! teeehhheee! i'm sure blessings will pour out from heaven and earth *grin*. it might not be financially but i know it will make me happy.

Not Well.

2009-06-05T20:09:00.003+08:00

i have been sick for two days now and it does not sound good at all. i am seriously suffering from tonsillitis and cough. i really don't like being at this state because i feel so unproductive. gosh! it didn't even help that i drink vitamin C everyday and sleeps 8 hours a day. i am gaining weight instead and feeling weak.

i hope i'll get over this really really soon because i have sooooooooooooo much to do!

The Visit

2009-06-05T19:52:00.009+08:00

my lil bro stayed with me for 2 weeks (May 15-30) while school is out. this is our promise to him last year but things didn't worked out as planned thus this year's visit . it was supposed to be a family vacation but due to some constraints, my parents' visit will be scheduled next time.

in the airplane (cebu pacific). his first overseas trip

we didn't visit the usual touristry places but instead visited theme parks, free parks :D, malls and of course walang kamatayang sentosa hehe.

inside the bus

he got bored during weekdays so have to make up by touring him around during weekends. i'm super happy, he enjoyed the extreme rides, luge and bet you, the skyride (which btw, i totally hate).

more pictures here.

now, he's back in Cebu and i'm missing him BIGTIME *sobs*

Those Friends.

2009-05-18T16:57:00.002+08:00

is it me or is it them? sometimes i wonder if i am normal or otherwise.

i used to regard myself as someone friendly and such a people-pleaser. yes, i care a lot but sometimes i fail to notice that i am going overboard between the friendly care and the not-so-friendly-care. i am reminded, everytime, a guy close friend would act strange than his usual self.

i have a few good and close friends from the male specie. i am still even friends with my exes. i like having these kind of friendship with the opposite sex because they are easy to deal with. but it does not mean i don't love my girls, i do, believe me. its just that there are things i am comfortable to discuss with the boys than with the girls coz i get that certain kind of comfort i need. but sadly, these people are slowly drifting away. even my best friend is on silent mode. and the latest - a guy close friend, suddenly shifted gears and perhaps indirectly telling me to stop bugging him with my nonsense.

call me paranoid coz i am not denying it. its because when it comes to friends, i get over-sensitive. i take issues like these by heart even to the point of complicating the teeny-weeny bits just so i could reach the root. i try to over-evaluate and over-analyze which i know is bad for my health and for my relationships but almost always, i can't help it. i know its like im shooing them away but if they are really true friends, supposedly they won't mind right?

Deepest Sigh Ever

2009-05-14T00:41:00.002+08:00

i wish i could turn back time...

life could have been easier.

Ten 'Can'-mandments

2009-05-13T12:17:00.004+08:00

i am sharing a beautiful post from Purpose Driven Life author, Rick Warren.

its true, how pessimistic we are most of the times. but isn't it, we must try to see the good in everything and practice positivity and faith?

to all those struggling in this area (including me), here's how to do it. we just gotta have faith, faith, faith!

***

1. Instead of thinking, “It will never fly,” think, “Through God’s strength, it’s worth the try!”

2. Replace the thought, “It won’t work,” with faith that, with God’s strength, it will work!

3. When someone says, “It’s never been done before,” respond by saying, “That means God’s giving us the opportunity to be the first.”

4. “What if we fail?” What if we fail to try, knowing God says we can do everything through Him who gives us strength?

5. “We don’t have the money.” Where God guides, He provides so that we can do everything He has called us to do.

6. “We don’t have the time!” Perhaps God is telling us to re-evaluate our priorities as we rely upon His direction and strength.

7. “We don’t have the expertise.” Maybe not, but we can learn as God directs our path.

8. “It’s been tried before.” But we’re wiser now because we know we can do everything when we rely on God’s strength instead of our own.

9. If someone says, “There are so many problems with it,” respond by saying, “Yet, there are so many possibilities when we’re trusting God instead of ourselves.”

10. Instead of saying, “It’s not working out,” say instead, “Let’s try it one more time, but this time focused on God and the truth that we can do this through Him who gives us strength.”

“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse (Philippians 4:8 MSG).

Believing in Mr. Universe

2009-05-11T16:20:00.002+08:00

i am happy to announce that my shouts to Mr. Universe have been heard! little by little, one by one. isn't that amazing? most of these requests were like ages ago but really, they are happening now, before my very eyes.

i couldn't be any happier than this - requirements getting closed. incentives increasing. tickets booked. siblings visit. boyfriend's trip. interview schedules. good health and safety. birthday trip. more trips. and getting hitched. truly, Mr. Universe has been listening to me all along. though some were forgotten, i am still thankful of course.

and guess what? i am sending more shouts and requests to him because i believe (warning: cliche ahead) "when you really want something, the whole universe conspires so that your wish will come true". and how true is that? all i could say, "without a doubt!" i have been a witness countless times and still am a firm believer.

so Mr. Universe, brace yourself! for more closures coming, incentives doubling its amount, more tickets to book, more visits to come, no more interview schedules but job offers, of course good health and safety, off to another continent for a birthday trip, conquer Asia and dream wedding to come true. whew!

i could go on and on with my list but i don't want to overwhelm him with too much information, maglibog unya dayun mocrash, saon na lang :D

The Woman I Love the Most

2009-05-07T10:13:00.004+08:00

i could still vividly remember how my afternoons were spent when i was still in my primary years - powernap at around 2:30pm while listening to "Rameni, ang batang bronze!", champorado after waking up, get ready for a walk, visit her friends for them to catch up with each other, play around with the kids in the neighborhood while they are drinking tuba and smoking tobacco.

i basically grew up under her care with matching bunal and luhod sa monggos. i was the first grand daughter that she took cared of. i was spoiled not until my sisters came. by then, she has to divide her attention between us three because our parents were busy working to provide for our needs. i remember how she used to scold me for eating so slow and for always feeling sleepy during meal time (yes, dli ko dako ug kaon sauna hehe). she would come up with different strategies just to convince me to eat properly because i was the thinnest. luckily, her tactics worked and now i could eat every meal like i have been deprived of food for years. (in short, dako ug kaon pero sexy ghapon :p)

most people would tell me, i look exactly like her...pretty and cute *grin*. but growing up, i did not like the comment that much because i noticed that i am the smallest in the clan and i did not like being called "small". i felt so out of place. then i started hating her just because of that. at that time, i could not appreciate her in spite of her sacrifices for us. all i could think of were her flaws and sometimes strict attitude towards me. i noticed, she started giving more of her attention to my elder cousins. and i felt jealous and rebellious at the same time.

i could not count by my fingers the times i was really rebellious. i have caused so much headache and heartache to my parents at that time. me, in that state, did not make her proud. at some point, i think she was ashamed of me and maybe of herself too because a big part of me was all because of her. someone who sacrificed that much for a loved one has all the reasons to be angry and regretful.

but i was never remorseful to her. over the years, i realized how strong she was both emotionally and physically. yes, she is small until now but at the age of 91, she still attends to her sari-sari store and consistently wakes up at 5am to open it because she has early "suki". she never went to any school and she is illiterate but she took good care of her children and grandchildren based from what she learned from the streets while selling "tinapa". she grew up from a poor family but she never showed us that it was a hindrance to survival or even success. she was my strength and inspiration. knowing her body weakens every passing day, makes me feel so frustrated because i can't be there to take care of her.

the other day, she was brought to the hospital for the second time in her lifetime. unlike the first one where she was only treated for fever and minor injuries, this time she was diagnosed with pneumonia. she can't speak and hear properly. she doesn't even recognize her family. according to my sister, the first night she was there, she was looking for me. my heart was crying in severe sadness. in a instant, i prayed i could grow wings so i can just fly to cebu without buying a plane ticket. i stormed heavens with my prayers to give her more strength even if the whole family is ready to let her go because honestly, i am not. i still want her to be at my wedding because she promised. if that happens, it will be her second wedding march. i wish i could remind her of that.

my friends told me that i have to be ready because it will be her time really soon. i have to start accepting the fact that God will take her. holding on to something not under my control will be really stressful and painful. i have to learn to let go with a happy heart knowing she will be in heaven. i have to.

last April 21, the whole family celebrated her 91st birthday. the whole clan prepared for it because it might be her last. :(

to my mama miyo:
get well the soonest!
i love you dearly!

christmas 2008.
taken by me.
post-processed by moyo.

Of Family, Love & Friendship

2009-05-06T12:12:00.004+08:00

when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
should one wait for a love to end, for a family to break or for friendship to fade? or should one keeps chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere? (from adelle)

i've been pondering on this question for awhile now, trying to find the answer and trying to figure out the best action to take. i found out, it is not easy. it is never easy. every solution i can think of is associated to pain. and when i seriously think about it, i lose the courage. i sometimes tell myself that i would rather get trapped in this current situation than push myself a little harder to act on it. but would it be the right thing to do?

my family is currently undergoing a relationship turmoil, which i consider really serious. my father started it and i cannot put the blame to anyone but him. when it comes to issues in our family especially with my parents, i don't immediately judge anyone. i try to understand each in the best way i can. i am the eldest and its by default that i get all the information firsthand. but this time, i am over and done with all the understanding and patience. enough is enough! i can't bear to see my mother in pain and hurting. i can't tolerate insensitivity and pride. and most of all, i don't support passiveness because he thinks he is right and just because he provides for our needs. i am not sure how long i could act this way towards him but i am sure that my respect has been stained. i could only bring it back if he shows any effort that he is sorry.

next week, Mario is coming to Singapore to be with me and hopefully get a job. lately, we've been arguing madly. his passiveness is freaking me out big time and i think my OC-ness is getting to his nerves as well. how can i compromise? i hate procrastination especially when i know important things need to be finish on time or way before the time. i hate panicking! i can't seem to push him to do things fast (or do things my way coz his way is pure lousiness. yes, i'm not a kind girlfriend because i know him too well). i am just worried he might forget some things to do and some things to bring but he is not getting my point. enough is enough! i am letting him be. i am letting him do things his way. i am exhausted from always reminding him to do this and that. i just hope he won't forget a single thing this time or else it will be world war 3. gosh, i sound so mean! but yes, i am.

lately, i have been seriously doing a "friendship evaluation". i don't know what that means exactly but its similar to deleting-so called friends' names-in all accounts. :D don't get me wrong, i am not that harsh. i just don't like getting in touch with unhealthy friends. though it maybe hard to let go of them sometimes because somehow they have contributed something to what i am now, but still they are "unhealthy" and they should be forgotten. enough drama of wanting to be friends with everyone and enough trying to find friends who doesn't even want to be found. in my 27 years of living and laughing, i have learned that i can choose my friends just like how i choose my battles. i know in my heart that i have true friends and they are the ones whom i can trust and call anytime, anywhere. not to mention, the ones i can chat all day, all night :D

so, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
i say, our hearts will tell us so.

Intimate Weekend

2009-05-04T11:19:00.002+08:00

the long weekend is over and i am happy i spent it the way i wanted it to be.

i did not get enough sleep just like my usual days but my experience was incomparable to my craving for rest. i had a blast instead! for 3 straight days i slept late (again!) and woke up early. but i am not complaining at all because i had coffee, good food and shared warm conversations with my friends in SFC.

at some point, i entertained thoughts of just lazing around the house for 3 days or do something else productive (like biking or jogging). good thing i did not give in to temptation or else i'd be really sorry.

so what exactly happened? hmmmm...let me just put it this way...i felt really blessed to be part of the community, to have sisters whom i can share just about anything, to learn lessons in a spiritual way, to experienced God's unconditional love, to be healed, to have the courage to bring my deepest darkest secrets to light and to share that courage with other courageous individuals. it was an awesome experience! really it is :D

i could not have spent my weekend any better than that. i was meant to be there! i did not regret any single thing even if i woke up late this morning and was rushing to office, even if until now i felt half-asleep, even if i have pimples break-out, and even if my head is aching because i was battling with sleep last night (2 big cups of coffee really had an effect on me :D)

i realized that experiences like these are worth rest-trading and sleep deprivation (for the lack of term). i could not thank my God enough but everyday i am grateful!

Trying the Art of Letting Go.

2009-04-28T09:34:00.002+08:00

everyday is a struggle for me. yes, until now.
everyday, i realize that i am still a work in progress.

today, i am trying my best to let go...

- of the painful past
- of impatience
- of negative emotions
- of overthinking
- of being super sensitive
- of friends??? uuhhhmmm, unhealthy friends.

all these absorb my energy. everytime, i try to exert effort to entertain, i end up really frustrated, disappointed and drained all at the same time.

Mixed Emotions

2009-04-17T20:30:00.003+08:00

what a comeback!

i was certainly in total hibernation for awhile like almost a month since my last post. i admit i didn't have the desire to write something even if i was in such rollercoaster ride in the past weeks. i don't know. it maybe pure laziness or something else.

and then just today, i was reminded. i suddenly felt i have no one except myself to cling on to. (here i am again expecting a lot from other people). i am total wreck! i am losing patience. i am losing kindness. i am almost losing love. i don't know which situation triggered all these. i am finding it hard to understand others. it felt difficult to even show them patience. and now, my relationships are affected just because i am all focused on myself. *sigh*

good thing i have this blog to vent out my emotions especially when there's no one to talk to. coz, everytime i feel this way, i always think nobody cares. they seem all too far away. *another sigh*

Back...

2009-03-19T15:08:00.003+08:00

i have to write something in this blog or else it be totally forgotten.

i have to thank Kaith for reminding me that I have a blog to update. but because of busyness and pure laziness, i didn't have the time to check yesterday.

anyhow, i've been really busy in the office with requirements coming in from nowhere. hehe. i am not complaining though. i know i have to be grateful inspite of the economic depression, i am one of the few who still has an income and job. i BIG thank you to HIM up there.

i am also busy preparing for the BIG day. i need to do a lot of research for suppliers and other details. i know its still 9 months from now but time flies so fast and i don't want to procrastinate this time. not for my wedding!

i am also in dilemma as to which site we should use for wedding updates. i made one in blogspot but later on decided to make one in multiply as well. because of my complications, i have decided to use both :D Moyo won't mind for sure coz he won't be doing the updates anyway. he doesn't bug me as long as i am writing no-nonsense. both sites are still under construction and not updated. as soon as everything is in place, i will make it public so our friends can check.

so far, nothing much happening. starting now, i promise to visit my site often. i need to write some updates and do some tweaking. i've lost all my blogmates' sites :(

ciao for now!

Dreamy Mode

2009-02-10T06:46:00.001+08:00

i have not yet fully recovered from my depression...of not being able to buy a ticket to Jason Mraz's concert here in Singapore because it was sold out in just 3 days after its announcement grrrrrrrrrr :(

but but i don't want to dwell on that anymore...char! im letting it go. now na!
so to avoid severe sadness, im setting myself to a dreamy mode.

well, i still want to watch jason's concert. maybe not in singapore. i have a feeling it will be in another continent where he is really really famous. and since my other faves are there, why not meet them too. yahoo! bono the great, i will meet you soon and of course, chris martin, don't worry im gonna buy a ticket to your concert .

weeeeeeee im sooo excited! Jason + U2 + Coldplay *grin*

Is it required?I mean seriously...

2009-02-03T15:44:00.003+08:00

ohh my first post after days of hibernation :)

the past days were spent preparing for the big day. research, research and more research. now, im tired stalking those helpful sites. but apart from the preparation, got really busy fixing things up between us. reality really sinks in big time and if its not too much, on the least unexpected time. oh well, nothing much to do but to deal with it or else everything will disappear in a flash. *sigh*

but seriously, it got me to thinking if its really required to deal with all those arguments with all my heart into it? i admit im a sappy emotional freak and mostly than not, i over react. yes, even to the littliest tiniest stuff. so i always end up feeling lost because i dwell too much on an issue. at the back of my head, i reason that things need to be settled now or never. but i learned along the way that most people don't think like i do. poor me for thinking the other way around. you can just imagine how much time and energy i've wasted for all the drama.

anyway, i have made up my mind! im not talking. i will find myself because i think i lost it somewhere. i have to bring it home so i could really, seriously continue living. don't get me wrong, im still sane but with my active other self a.k.a alter ego. *wink*

on another note, is it really required for a B2B to have a MOH? duh! i think i'll not have one unless the church would allow me to have a male version. *grin*

Insight of the Day

2009-01-19T17:20:00.004+08:00

how amazing this world wide web can be...

Dear yvonne,

"I don't believe in pessimism. If something doesn't come up the way you want, forge ahead. If you think it's going to rain, it will."

Clint Eastwood
Actor and Director

thank you Clint! (feeling close *grin*)

obviously, this is such a boink in my head after ranting my heart out in my previous post this morning.

yes, yes, i won't believe in pessimism anymore! yatta for positive thinking! :D

Some days are just not better

2009-01-19T12:59:00.003+08:00

so this is one of my "not so" good days. i admit i'm being pessimistic for quite awhile now. this inspite of the positive "insights of the day" i receive in my email and some other "law of attraction" articles.

a lot of things are just running circles in my head. sometimes i convince myself to lie low from all the hassles and worries but there's no denying that i simply can't avoid it. its hard to forgive myself for worrying too much of some things that are yet to happen. that's just me...a worry-freak!but in fairness, im almost in the opposite side now. crawling myself really hard to get there. but see, i can't do this alone. i need other people to help me out. and i am freakingly expecting this from my loved ones - family, closest friends (if i have one), and yes from the boyfriend.

many times, i felt that its only this little nook that is giving me comfort. i can write anything, anytime. i can rant and rave and i feel peaceful and happy afterwards even if i don't get any response. i admit, im badly longing for this kind of comfort, to say the least *sigh*.

but of course, i still want to be on track. i still want to believe in magic and miracles. i still want to believe that this year is my year, that this year something grand will happen. that this year, all my dreams will come true. i still want to but some days are just not better...

To All my Blogmates...

2009-01-18T16:26:00.004+08:00

i've been really busy preparing for something which explains my silence in the past few days. but aside from that, i hate to check this blog because i've lost some of my widgets and that includes my linklist. *crying out loud*

i felt such a loser coz i tried editing my layout weeks ago but don't know how to retrieve my original codes *sigh*. so in my frustration, i tinkered more and finally was able to bring back my original layout and some. but my link list, still nowhere to be found :(

so to all who visits my little nook, please do leave your links so i can visit yours too :D i have to apologize coz i have this little problem with my memory :-(

Inspiration!

2009-01-05T08:27:00.000+08:00

in this world full of uncertainties, we need inspiration to keep us going. may it be from people, books or just the mundane.

i just want to share these lines i read from the blog of one of the inspiring people i know, Aileen Siroy.

"And I will continue to always learn, try, give my best, become better, and love -- love without measure.

I will continue to believe in goodness, in infinite possibilities, in second chances, in true friendships, in undying love, in magic and miracles.

And I will continue to have kindness in my life. And laughter. And courage. And happiness. And adventure. And love. Lots of love."

i am reading this everyday, again, to remind me to be always positive and to always always give importance to the things that really matter.

Life is Beautiful!!!

2009-01-03T20:04:00.000+08:00

The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it’s taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it’s mountaineering; it’s wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it. If I believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. It becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, I must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement.
(Eleven Minutes, Coelho)

photo by: my good friend mian

***
i am reposting from her site to remind me how i should see LIFE right NOW inspite of the many uncertainties. (this aside that the lines were taken from one my fave Coelho books)

my 2009 Dream List

2009-01-01T07:06:00.001+08:00

WRITE it down and MAKE it HAPPEN!

but my roomie and i, made something different last night. instead of really writing it down, we cut out pictures, phrases and unleashed our creative talents by making a collage of the things that we want to achieve for this year of the ox. (we really had fun doing this)

here's me sharing to you my list and my pieace of art *grin*

and to really let Mr. Universe know that we are bloody serious about this LAW of ATTRACTION theme, we posted it in our pretty wall, so we could read and remind him EVERYDAY.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! =)

'lil brother

2009-01-01T03:14:00.003+08:00

i took this picture before he left for their class christmas party.
mama told him, they're going to wear "civilian" for the party
he got mad coz he thought, "civilian" is some kinda uniform
i told him its just nice polo and pants
he complied and asked me to put on some gel on his hair.

***
yesterday, mama saw him staring to nowhere while lying in bed
she asked, "what's wrong?"
he said, "i miss the two ladies" while wiping his eyes
she asked, "who?"
he said, "the two ladies who just left"
(my sister left for dubai last dec 26 and i followed on the 27th)

***
few hours ago, i spoke to him through ym
we talked for almost an hour
i asked him if he misses me
he said, he has been crying for days
"mingaw man ko nimo", he uttered
he told me to bring him here in sg during his summer vacation
i said, i will.

***
he is only 7 years old
my only brother and our youngest
you bet, he is spoiled.
coz he came 16 years after my youngest sister.
he is our angel and our miracle.

thank you 2008...hello 2009!

2008-12-31T07:17:00.001+08:00

dear God,

thank you for my 2008. it was indeed full of surprises from the start to the end. i honestly enjoyed the rollercoaster ride with You.

thank you for the unexpected heartbreak, for the strength to move on, for the courage to break, for the humility to forgive, for the love of family and friends, for the grace to trust again, for the passion of service, for my job and colleagues, for the blessings of travel and for a new love.

gosh, i could not imagine what my life would be now if i didn't have to go through all those events of the year. You were with me all along. and once again, i thank You from the deepest bottom of my heart.

now, i welcome 2009 with an open heart and mind! i am excited for more surprises to come. shower me with Your love and compassion so i could be more loving and forgiving to people who would hurt me and to people who are difficult to love. equip me with more knowledge and wisdom so i could come up with brilliant ideas and wise decisions in all aspects of my life. continue to guard my heart for any negative and nonsense emotions. always strengthen and humble me. ignite my passion of service so i could continue to help. and bless me so i could be a blessing to others.

i claim and firmly believe that grander things are about to happen next year. whether its painful or happy, i will embrace it in wild abandon.

p.s.1. bless my family and friends too and grant their heart's desires. bless na lang pud those who hate me, may You purify their intentions always.

p.s.2. bless the world pud diay dear God especially the current crisis we are facing now. hopefully prices would go down next year (kay mamalhin mi ug balay hihi) and more job opportunity in Singapore (kay moari na si Moyo ).apil nlng pud please ang salary increase hehehe.

lablab,

yvonne