My Voice

College Football Memories

2009-09-04T16:32:00.002-05:00

1996 – FSU vs. Florida @ Doak Campbell: My aunt and uncle provided my friend, Grant, and I with tickets for this one. We were on the 45 yard line on the Seminole side of the field about 8 rows up. It was awesome! I don’t think the crowd stopped yelling the whole game. At the end, FSU upset the then #1 ranked Gators. The goal posts were dismantled and last I saw headed down Tennessee Street. We were able to go on the field after the game to enjoy the win some more. Truly the greatest college football game that I have ever attended.

2003 - Georgia vs. Auburn @ Sanford Stadium– Not only a big game as Georgia defeated Auburn. It was my first experience at the South’s Oldest Rivalry - thanks to Grant for inviting me. The crowd was electric and the atmosphere simply electric. The behind the scenes things that we were able to enjoy on this trip made it memorable, including being on the field for pre-game and meeting many of the players. We were even able to watch CBS conduct interviews the Friday before the game. The game and all of the behind the scenes activities made this the perfect football weekend.

1993 – FSU vs. Ga. Tech @ Bobby Dodd Stadium: Shawn, Alex and I made the trip to Atlanta for the game. If you ever watch the replay on ESPN, you will see us on television numerous times and our pictures appeared in the AJC that Sunday. Florida State trailed and struggled much of this game until Charlie Ward had his coming out party and led FSU to victory in the 4th quarter. To top it off, we headed over to Fulton-County Stadium after the game to try to catch the Braves in the World Series.

2007 – UGA vs. Alabama @ Bryant Denny Stadium: Grant and I went on our first ever UGA road trip to see the Dawgs battle the Tide. Regulation ended with the score being tied. However in overtime, Matthew Stafford hit Mike Henderson for a touchdown and the Dawgs pulled out a great win. Even though we were on almost the top row of the end zone, we could see that play clearly and had a great time. Bama fans were very well behaved and our first road trip was an incredible experience! Of course this trip included a stop at my favorite restaurant, Dreamland BBQ.

1994 - FSU vs. Florida @ Doak Campbell: Yes, the infamous “Choke at Doak” and I had the honor of being there. The student section pretty much emptied out at half time, so I basically had the entire end zone bleacher section to myself. The Noles came back and tied the game. Not as good as a win would have been, but it was great to see Spurrier lose his mind.

Blogging Break

2009-08-25T10:53:00.001-05:00

I have taken a break from blogging recently just due to the number of things happening in my life. Fun things such as moving, school starting, vacation, etc. The truth is that I have many things that I have been thinking about lately but I have not taken the time to put them into words. I plan on doing that over the next few weeks and will be posting more soon.

A Unique Perspective

2009-06-09T11:37:00.000-05:00

Once again a minister is in the news from an affair and web sites are buzzing with information, advice and even rumor. Pastors are advising others on what went wrong and how they can keep from falling into this trap. I have a very unique perspective as I have served on the church staff for both Rick Ousley and Gary Lamb.

I read the advice on how to keep this behavior from happening again. All of this advice is good but it focuses on steps à actions. Yet none of this really focuses on the heart. One of the greatest things that I have learned in the past year is that God is after my heart. Affairs happen every day and another marriage ends. A person’s addiction to porn is discovered every day and countless lives are devastated. The enemy is out to destroy ALL Believers. Sometimes I think that we put church leaders on a pedestal at the head of the line for being attacked. The truth is the enemy attacks all of us equally and he doesn’t care how he does it. We are all people, all sinners. Those of us who have made the choice to receive Christ become the Children of God and that ticks the enemy off. The enemy wants to destroy our relationship and freedom with God so that we carry so much baggage around that we are not experiencing the relationship God intended for us. Relationships not only with God but with other people as well.

I can list certain characteristics of both Rick and Gary and warn against such behavior. However, we can avoid obvious behaviors and addictions and trade it for those less obvious. Isn’t pride just as much a sin as sexual indiscretion? It really boils down to a matter of the heart and God wanting our heart. What does that mean? Well, if I could put it into steps and behaviors I could write a bestselling book and everyone would be happy. However, for me it has boiled down to the real question of who is the real me? When everyone else leaves and at the end of the day by yourself who am I? What do I struggle with? What have I never wanted to tell anybody else about yourself?

To me the answer is more than just accountability. Accountability can be faked by surrounding yourself with yes people, but putting yourself in true Biblical community requires authenticity. We need a community that we walk through life with. It is more than accountability it is journey. It is having a safe place where we can come as we are and share our real struggles. This group cares enough about us to question areas where we do not want people to go. The purpose is not to beat us up but to encourage us on this journey in relationship with Christ and to help us in drawing closer to Him. This is not a series of steps or programs but a process of intentional relational encounters on our journey in life.

Today's News

2009-06-07T22:32:00.003-05:00

Today was an ordinary Sunday afternoon until my cell phone rang.... and then I heard the news. The lead pastor of the church I was on staff at 2 years ago in Canton, Georgia admitted to having an affair and resigned. Then, I started receiving emails, Tweets, text messages, etc. The overwhelming response from people was "sorry that you were right". I didn't want to post anything tonight and I didn't really want to address this just yet, but with the amount of response being received I felt it was time.

I am sorry for those involved in this situation. There are no winners here. Bottom line is it stinks. No, I am not surprised by the news from Canton in the least. I was not on staff there very long - only 6 months and from those that know me know that speaks for itself. Truly, serving there was the worst experience that I have had in my life. I will not go into the details here but part of the story made it into the book The Mad Church Disease.

On the flip side, I have been on the other side of this type of experience as well. About 3 years ago, a pastor that I had a great deal of respect for (and served on his staff) admitted to an affair that spanned many years. I was devastated and crushed. I will never forget those days. It truly stunk. Soon after the news broke, other people began to share their stories of abuse at the hands of this pastor. Their stories were shared not to kick dirt on this pastor but for the first time many people felt the freedom to share their story. I learned that this person I respected had some serious issues to deal with and had abused many people (it went way beyond the affair). How could this happen, I thought? How could this person lead a church and be doing all of these horrible things on the side?

I have learned alot since then. I have met many pastors who have left the ministry after having affairs. Also, I have met people who have been abused by cults and churches. I have witnessed alot of crap (there is a better four letter word but I will pass on using it here). Bottom line is we all struggle. We all struggle with loving God and truly accepting that He loves us as we are. That He is enough to fill every bit of us. We try to fill ourselves our own way, trying to numb the pain of life that we are feeling. We ALL do it in some form of another because we are all human. Some of us fill ourselves with more socially acceptable sin like overeating, watching television. surfing the Internet for 20 hours a day and yet others find solace in non acceptable forms such as porn and yes even affairs. The root cause is all the same - trying to fill some pain or void in our lives. At some point in our lives, we have the opportunity to face not only the pain, but the source of the pain as well. We have an opportunity to allow God to work on healing our heart and experience the freedom of Christ.

What am I trying to say? At this moment, many are hurting. I encourage you to experience and face that pain. Talk about it, express it. Don't just hide it and pray about it. Focus on what is hurting and bring that to God. Express your pain and sorrow to Him. I am not saying that He will take it away tomorrow and that the birds will be singing around your window and life will be beautiful. What I am saying is that you are not alone and that God is willing to walk through this with you if you let Him. It beats the alternative of walking through such a journey alone - or of trying to numb this pain being felt through other vices. This is not something that can be done alone, but something that must be done in community (as I am learning the hard way - just ask Chris Roe). Sometimes it involves a counselor and other times just an honest group of real people who are wiling to walk with us in the journey of life. It may not feel like it today but God does care about you and what you are going through - He is still there.

What if this was your last Tweet?

2009-06-05T16:47:00.002-05:00

What if today were the last day of your life? What if you left for work this morning and never arrived at the office? No, I am not pulling out some sermon analogy but this crossed my mind a lot the last couple of days. A person that I knew of in IT circles was killed in a car accident on Wednesday. He was a year older than myself and he leaves behind a wife and 7 year old daughter (my oldest will turn 7 in August). I came across a link to his Twitter which basically chronicled the last days of his life. What really tugged at my heart strings was reading the Twitter his wife sent to his account upon learning of his death. To think with today’s technology, we can literally experience what could be the final moments of a person’s life and see what they were thinking, feeling, etc. Then I think of the morbid thought of what if I didn’t make it home and what would my last Tweets and posts say? It really gives me a whole new perspective on the potential of this new media. I can not only use this new media to express commentary, but also to share details of my life as it can be used as a time capsule of sorts. This time capsule can be shared among friends and family later on in life to reveal not only my opinions but also my experiences. My children will have the opportunity to learn about me in whole new ways. In some ways that is very overwhelming and in other ways it is very -- -- -- cool.

Return to Church Part 2

2009-06-01T15:11:00.002-05:00

Those that have been through cult/spiritually abusive situations may decide to attend church again. In part 2 of this blog series I continue to tackle the big question that comes to mind, “Where should I go to church?” None of us want to be victimized again, so this decision is one that we should carefully make.

Once again, with the help of my good friends Doug and Wendy Duncan we continue on in examining characteristics of unsafe churches and leaders. We cannot guarantee that some characteristics were not overlooked, but this addresses many unhealthy characteristics that we have witnessed in both pastors and churches.

The list is fairly lengthy, so I will cover the second four characteristics on this blog:

· Over Emphasis on Numbers - Too much emphasis on size of the congregation and church building. This can be tricky because I am not saying that numbers being mentioned is a bad thing. However, when numbers seem to be the only thing talked about, that may be a red flag . Numbers can be one of the things that are analyzed, but to solely focus on numbers is a dangerous thing. At some point, the number becomes the item of worship and everything must be done to keep increasing the numbers. In reality the drive becomes not changed lives but increased numbers.

· The “I” Factor - Too many sentences from the pastor that begin with “I”. Or “we” if it is just another way of meaning “I”, but trying to sound inclusive by using “we”. This is can be easily identified through evaluating the leaders blog, church web site or even Twitter. These resources combined with what is presented at the weekend service will quickly show if the “I” factor is in play at this particular church.

· Moodiness - Extremes in the Pastor’s mood. Easily angered or irritated. Once again this can be prevalent through evaluating the leaders blog, church web site or even Twitter. This characteristic is fairly self explanatory.

· Model Wife Syndrome - The Pastor has a “perfect” wife. She is always dressed and groomed beautifully and always on her best behavior. We are not saying that complimenting a preachers wife is a bad thing at all, if anything that needs to be done more often. However, in this type of situation the wife does no wrong. This goes along with presenting a perfect image of not only the leader and the church but the leader’s family as well. This can also be a form of control over the wife. If the wife is “perfect”, it does not allow her to truly share any concerns or issues that she may be experiencing with anyone, therefore keeping her isolated.

Church Decision Part 1

2009-05-19T15:56:00.002-05:00

Those that have been through cult/spiritually abusive situations may decide to attend church again. The big question then comes to mind, “Where should I go to church?” None of us want to be victimized again, so this decision is one that we should carefully make.

As I’ve stated before, I have had the great pleasure of meeting Doug and Wendy Duncan. In my opinion, Wendy’s book, I Can’t Hear God Anymore is a must read for those coming out of cult/spiritually abusive situations. Wendy was kind enough to collaborate on a list of characteristics of Unsafe churches and leaders. Our purpose in this is to help equip those who are ready to get back into church with the tools necessary to evaluate what they are seeing. We cannot guarantee that some characteristics were not overlook, but this addresses many unhealthy characteristics that we have witnessed in both pastors and churches.

The list is fairly lengthy, so I will cover the first four characteristics on this blog:

· Brunt of the joke – Pastor or leader frequently berates or makes fun of members or staff – sometimes disguised as humor, but in actuality, this is a means of control. Pastor or leader is sarcastic – again, disguised as humor. The main reason this seems to be done is to build up the pastor and make him appear to be the one with all of the answers – sort of establishing his own credibility. No one likes to be made fun of so people will either leave or comply so that they are not the ones who are pointed out as examples.

· All Minds Think Alike - All the members seem to think alike. There is very little differing of opinions. In addition, differing opinions are not welcomed, and those with differing opinions are labeled as not “true” members. Many times I have witnessed this behavior when weekend sermons are used to deliver the pastor’s directive so that everyone is thinking alike versus just communicating God’s word and allowing the Holy Spirit to direct. Many times parts of scripture are used to support a statement or belief of the pastor or leader, whether or not the verse it taken out of context. There is a real focus on “doing” whatever the pastor or leader says to do.

· Top Down Decision making process - No decisions, however small, can be made without informing the pastor or leader. This characteristic can be difficult to spot just by attending church on the weekend. This characteristic may be more noticeable via different communication mediums such as web sites and Twitter. Many times these communication mediums will expose the decision making structure. For example, it may discuss how an idea has to go before a board or committee. However, it may show that the pastor or leader gets an idea and it is immediately implemented, no questions asked. Typically the leader or pastor will take credit for all new ideas rather they are truly their ideas or not. Another way to determine the decision making process of the church is to offer to start some sort of ministry not already available. The process of starting a new ministry or activity will show the decision making process of a church and offer insight to how that process really works.

· Information Control - (one of Lifton’s criteria for thought reform): Pastor or leader possesses all the information and doles pieces of it out to certain people. This can be in areas such as the financial state of the church, future plans for the church, program plans, vision, etc. It is not that the information could not be widely discussed, but rather another means of control for the pastor. A code word that I see used with this characteristic is “vision”. So many times a pastor claims that God has given ME (the pastor) a “vision” and then presents parts of it. The details and how to carry that vision out come directly from the pastor and are typically not given all at one time. Also, parts of a “vision” may be emphasized as needed, for example tithing is preached when money is needed; small groups are preached when small group attendance numbers decline, etc.

Two Years Ago

2009-05-05T08:49:00.001-05:00

Have you ever started on a journey and ended up in an entirely different destination than planned? Two years ago, I packed my Toyota Highlander full of belongings, left my wife and children in Georgia and headed to Dallas, Texas to start a new job. Looking back now, I think of how crazy it was. Much like the adventurers in the 1800’s packing their gear into covered wagons heading west, I started my journey to Dallas. I had nowhere to live, no friends, just a job and yet I headed out there in search of a new life. After a stop in the great metropolis of Ruskin, Louisiana, I completed the drive (which seemed like forever)into Dallas. I met with an apartment finder and found a place to live within a matter hours, and the next day started my new job (still with all of my possessions in the Highlander and unable to get into an apartment until the weekend). By the end of the month, my family would join me as we prepared to make Dallas our home.

Our journey in Dallas only ended up being a little over a year (much different than anticipated). Looking back, I see a lot of value in our time there. I met and worked with some terrific people. We were part of a support group that has forever changed our lives (thanks Doug and Wendy) and we put a great deal of distance between ourselves and a horrible situation we had just left. I had no idea two years ago when I left my family in Georgia to start a new that a little over a year later we would end up back in Birmingham, Alabama. Wow, what a crazy few years it has been – really hoping that Birmingham is our destination for many years to come. Moving every year is getting old and expensive J

Question 3 - How Many Times Have You Moved?

2009-03-10T08:31:00.001-05:00

How many times have you moved in the past 4 years? That is pretty easy to answer. In 2005, we moved from Birmingham, AL to Clermont, FL. In 2006, we moved from Clermont, FL to Canton, GA. Not done yet…. In 2007, we moved from Canton, GA to Dallas, TX, and in 2008 we moved from Dallas, TX back to Birmingham, AL. Yes, that is 4 moves in 4 years! That is absolutely crazy! Every place we moved to, we intended to stay. However, it did not work out quite that way for us. For some reason, ministry equated to moving a lot.

There are stories behind every move and I will not go into all of them right now (they may be addressed in different questions J). Moving around was not really our idea and we don’t plan on moving anymore (other than out of an apartment and into a rental house of some sort). Situations led to moves and the move back to Birmingham has been great for our family.

Texas is the first time that I have ever lived outside of what I consider the “south” (BTW, just a note people in Texas consider themselves part of the south while I considered that more of the southwest – if sweet tea is not readily available in every restaurant, you are not in the “south” i.e.: Central Florida). Dallas, TX is a great place to live, but when the rest of your family is in the southeast it makes it hard. It has been nice for us to be closer to family and friends in order to have that support system around us.

Question 2 - Didn't You Go To Florida?

2009-03-06T09:08:00.000-05:00

Another question that I get asked a lot is, “Weren’t you part of the team that went to Clermont, Florida to plant a church?” The answer is, yes, my family was one of three families that moved to Clermont, Florida almost 4 years ago to start a church there. When I confirm that I was one of the team members, most people give me a blank stare wanting to ask for more information but afraid to ask.

To summarize in one paragraph for those that don’t know…. In July 2005, my family and two other families left Birmingham, Alabama to move to Clermont, Florida to start a church. We didn’t know anybody and didn’t have any contacts. We all felt led after much prayer to go down as a team and start a church in that area.

The task of starting a church is very daunting and we all worked very hard at it. The biggest obstacle that we had was lack of a place to meet. Schools were not open to letting us use their facility on a weekly basis and there was not a lot of other meeting space options in town. Did we launch and have a service, yes we did. We had an official launch and we had many church services after that. A number of things factored into the church plant just not taking shape like we had hoped.

A question that I have had to answer myself regarding the whole situation is “Do I feel it was God’s will for us to go to Florida looking back at it now?” I can honestly say yes. (not God talk, but an honest, sincere yes answer). We prayed about that decision and did what we felt God was leading us to do. Did it turn out the way I had hoped, absolutely not. I do still have a lot of “why” questions for God on the experience there (like why couldn’t we find space).

The final question regarding this that I have been asked is, “Did you fail?” Early on, I would have said absolutely yes. Now, having looked back on things, I would say no. There are hundreds of ventures (including church plants) that take place every year that don’t make it. I am not a failure because of it and the plant not taking doesn’t define me. We did what we felt God was wanting us to do and there is no shame in that.

Why Question - 1

2009-03-03T17:33:00.001-05:00

Why do I pull for the Georgia Bulldogs? This is one of the most asked questions that I receive. Anybody that knew me growing up, remembers me being a huge Alabama fan. To top that off, I graduated from Florida State and interned in the athletic department there my senior year. How does Georgia tie in? One of my closest friends, Grant Jacobs, invited me to attend a Georgia game with him the year after Coach Richt took over. We didn’t just go to the game, we had the chance to meet the coaches and players – it was an awesome time! That is what started it all.

What about Bama? I still follow the Tide and attend some games. College football here in Alabama is bigger than life – really it is 365 days a year. I grew tired of all of the drama, scandals and what generally became Bama after Coach Bryant left. I will always pull for Florida State – it’s my alma mater.

Through Grant, I became friends with Georgia’s team chaplain, Kevin Hynes. Kevin told me that he was going to “convert” me to pulling for the Dawgs, and it only took him about a year to do so. Grant and I go to at least one game every year , hang out with Kevin and have an awesome time. To me it is not so much as pulling for a team as it is players and coaches that I get to interact with. There is very much a family atmosphere among the Georgia staff, and it really is a special place. As long as Coach Richt is at Georgia, I will be pulling for the Dawgs. What happens if Florida State and Georgia play? Most likely that will be a game time decision J

Christian Show

2009-02-21T20:32:00.003-05:00

Every Thanksgiving the Westminster Dog Show is aired on television. Dogs come and walk around a gigantic stage trying to impress the judges. Everything about the dogs are judged, their bone structure, hair length, eyes, teeth, walk, etc. You name it, someone is examining it (and keeping score). At the end of the day, one winner is selected out of all of the breeds at the show. One year later, it is time to do it all again.

It occurred to me today, that is almost what Christianity today has become. As Christians, it is as if we live like we are on a stage being judged on a daily basis. We try to get it all together so we can impress the judges (or in our case God). Tithe - yes looking good there; serving - looking good there; church attendance - looking good there and so on. We put this pressure on ourselves to always be in the show mode. We don't wait for next year to try to impress, rather we do it on a daily basis.

The sad part about this is that we can become so consumed with looking good that we miss relationship. Yes, it is possible to try to please God without ever encountering Him. This leads to feelings of frustration and our walk with God becomes a chore rather than a joyful encounter.

At this point, many people would offer 3 steps to help people get out of the show mode mentality. My challenge to anyone would be to just focus on spending time with God rather than trying to impress Him. Really, He desires a relationship with you and is not a Heavenly Scorekeeper. There is no ribbon to be won for being the "best" Christian. We are all bought with the same price and are the same in His eyes.

Life After Full Time Ministry

2009-02-16T14:13:00.001-05:00

For the first time in almost 5 years, I am not working in a ministry/church related role. Honestly, it feels very strange. Sundays come around and it is more of a day of rest rather than my busiest day of the week. I don’t have to keep up with all of the cool church blogs/podcasts or books. I read things because I want to, not so I can impress those I interact with of my knowledge of modern day church culture. I mention this because as a guy it is easy for me to put my value of who I am based on what I do. Having worked in the ministry field for several years, it is almost like I feel lost as a person because I am employed in full time ministry. So much of who I am became wrapped up in what I did. Many people enter full time ministry every year and when that role ends (temporarily or permanently) feel totally lost. My advice if you are going through a similar type of change is to allow yourself to experience those feelings of loss and uncertainty. Don’t just brush it under the rug and try to move on with life (because that truly does not work). Finally, don’t be afraid to get some help. There are so many feelings going through your mind that sorting through them on your own can be hard and having someone work through those with you is invaluable.

I am trying to learn that my indentity is not in my vocation. When I look deeper, I see that I am a husband, father, friend – these are the things that truly make up who I am.

IT Blog

2009-01-28T16:44:00.001-05:00

The month of January is almost over, so I knew that it was time for me to complete one of my new year's resolutions by starting a tech blog. I come across interesting issues daily related to technology, especially SharePoint. I have launched a new blog where I can share those experiences. It will be a how did I solve this problem type blog. Here is the address for my new tech blog: http://jvtechspeak.blogspot.com/

My blog here will remain my place to post thoughts and emotions that I am currently dealing with on my day to day journey.

Ethics and Ministry

2009-01-25T09:30:00.002-05:00

In recent years many CEO's of major companies have made news for fraudulent business practices. During this same time period, many senior pastors have made new for improprieties as well. Unfortunately, it seems that the terms ethics and ministry no longer go hand in hand. I know that in my stint in full time ministry, I witnessed things that I never thought I would (or should) in a church setting (I will share more about that in time). There is an article in today's Birmingham News (www.bhamnews.com) interviewing John Knapp (Ethics and leadership professor at the Brock School of Business at Samford University) about the issue of ethics and business. He answers some questions related to ethics and business, but in my experience his answers carry over to ministry as well. Here are 3 specific questions and answers that stood out to me:

Here is his answer to a question about a CEO who protrayed one image publicly but another image internally and if this is common of companies with major fraud issues.

"It's hard to generalize, but it seems that many of the high-profile CEOs who have been in major scandals over the years have narcassistic personalities. They are people who can be very charasmatic and charming but also have a tendency to be ruthless, particularly with those close to them in their organization. It's a toxic combination to be whimsicall and charming at one moment and entirely ruthless in the next."

When asked about a specific CEO surrounding himself with yes men and if this was a typical practice in fraud situations, he answered:

"I think so. A lot of people won't work for someone like that. Being treated abusively in a staff meeting one time is enough for many people to seek employment elsewhere. The other thing is it is alwasy a warning sign when we see CEOs who are more interested in promoting themselves than their organization - who put their name out in lights in a big way. Invariably, these prove to be people who have dysfunctional relationships with their management teams and their other colleagues because they are into it for personal gain and personal glory and self-aggrandizement. That's always bad for an organization."

One other question asked if the ethics of a corporation are dictated from the top - he answered:

"I believe an organization's culture is shaped from the top. Ethics is certainly a part of the cultural fabric of the organization. It's from the top that priorities are set - that people get their cues about what's important, what's tolerant, what's rewarded."

Over the past 2 years, I have met many people who have been involved abused by "toxic" ministries. In the majority of cases, these "toxic" ministries never made news and continue on today. In my experience, the traits that John Knapp mentions regarding CEO's of companies with fraud issues also apply to senior pastors of "toxic" ministries. My conclusion, before joining a church staff or becoming a member of a church - it's okay to do some homework on the senior pastor.

To read the entire interview, click HERE. Once again, the source of this blog is an interview by Michael Tomberlin of The Birmingham News with John Knapp, Samford University Ethics Expert.

Is It Tougher to Qualify for Home Loan or to become IMB Missionary

2009-01-15T21:59:00.003-05:00

These are tough times that we live in right now. Having heard a friend of mine's story this week I wonder if it is tougher to qualify for a home loan or to become an IMB missionary.

A friend of mine works in the medical profession for over 7 years and has a graduate degree. Recently, she felt led to go to the mission field to put her skills to work there. She approached the International Mission Board of the Southern Baptist Convention to inquire about going to the mission field. However, the response she received was not positive.

She was informed that she did not possess the spiritual leadership skills necessary to be a missionary, and that leaders not helpers were needed out in the field. She needed to develop some leadership skills within the church first and then come back for consideration.

There really is not anything more than I can add to this story. I was overwhelmed and saddened to hear the response that she received. I guess you need at least 3%-5% spiritual down nowadays to qualify for missionary work.

Prayer

2009-01-08T12:09:00.001-05:00

What would most Christians say is the most frustrating part of their spiritual walk? I believe that the number one answer given would be prayer. There have been countless books written on this subject, and yet it still remains quite a mystery. What is prayer? Why do we pray? I have given this topic much thought over the past few months. I tended to treat prayer time as a news segment of sorts to inform God of the events in my life, and I failed to realize that God is aware of the current events in my day to day life. There really isn’t anything that I can tell Him that He doesn’t already know.

One thing that I hear discussed a lot is question of unanswered prayers. I understand that feeling, especially in a society where we tend to view prayer as a mechanism to get God to fulfill our desires. When we are praying about something and it doesn’t go our way, we think that the prayers didn’t work. Our focus then changes to praying more “effectively”, and what must we do to pray the perfect prayer. When our whole purpose of prayer is built around getting our way, it leads to an incredible feeling of frustration.

Have I figured out the subject of prayer? No, not in the least. I don’t know that I will ever figure it out on this side of eternity. There are a few realizations that I have come to though. First, I don’t need to inform God of my situation, He already knows about everything that I am going through. Second, prayer should be a time of comfort in the realization that I am not alone, and that I have a Heavenly Father who cares for me very much. Finally, if I don’t get what I want, it doesn’t mean that my prayer time was ineffective. I can let go of my notion of trying to figure out the “perfect” prayer.

Article on Christians and Depression

2009-01-05T18:04:00.003-05:00

Here is a great article that I read in Sharing the Victory magazine regarding Christians and depression. A great read with some great insight. Click here to read the article.

Resolutions

2008-12-31T15:00:00.001-05:00

What should be my New Year’s Resolution for 2009? Many resolutions deal with doing more with less and piling more activities and events into an already hectic schedule. My resolution this year is going to be very different. My goal this year is to simplify and not do as many things as I have in the past. The events of the past few years have caught up with me and have really forced me to look at where I am at and what I am doing. I have neglected to really take care of myself. This year will involve me learning how to handle stress in a more effective manner, rather than just internalizing everything (which as one of my mentor’s Chris Roe will say, “How’s that working for you?”). Also, I am going to find activities that help me relax and unwind, so that means carving out some personal time. This may mean that I do not participate in as many activities as in previous years. While sounding like a very odd resolution, I think that this is a step in the right direction for me.

I do plan on blogging more (I really don’t think it is possible for me to blog less). I have many different ideas on blogging, but I plan to share more of what I am grappling rather than just writing commentaries (although I am sure that some of those will be written as well). Also, I think that my blog title will change, but the focus will stay the same (my journey on the road to recovery from spiritual abuse). In addition, I plan on starting a new blog that will focus solely on technology and my experiences there in early 09.

At the end of the year, I always look back and I can see the “theme of the year”: 2005 – Adventure; 2006 - Chaos; 2007 – Survival; 2008 – Healing. I feel that 2009’s theme will be Restoration.

Happy New Year!

Christmas Memories

2008-12-30T16:15:00.001-05:00

It seems like in today society, that we are always trying to do things bigger and better. This mentality has caught a lot of traction in the church world as well where Christmas and Easter services have turned into gigantic productions. I was thinking last week about the most memorable Christmas Eve services that I have attended throughout my life. Two memories immediately came to mind. First, I remember growing up in a church where the pastor would invite the children onto the stage and read the Christmas story. Granted, it is a brave man who asks for children to come forward unsupervised and sit on the stage. Every single year this was done. It is very simple and not flashy, but I still remember it. The other Christmas Eve service I remember was a very simple service where light was provided by candles and poinsettias decorated the stage. The Christmas story was shared and communion was available. One again, very simple. The gigantic productions (and granted I have worked on MANY of them over my life time) do not even come to mind. I remember working on the productions, but I do not remember them at all.

I have seen churches outdo the previous year’s Christmas service with a “better” production the following year. However, I wonder is this the best way? Is the simple way maybe not the better way? It seems like with everything that I have experienced over the past few years that I have more questions than answers, and that may be a good thing.

Feel of Christmas

2008-12-22T16:13:00.001-05:00

Whenever I hear the word Christmas, it triggers certain images ,sounds and even smells. Many of us think of family and friends coming together amidst the glow of a warm fire. Smells of a wondrous feast cooking in the kitchen that we will all be eating. However, most of these images are completely distant from that first Christmas. The contrast occurred to me as I attended our local zoos Christmas light show. At one part of the zoo, they have a petting area with sheep, goats, and many other animals in a building that could double as a very nice manger. Needless to say, the sights and smells there did not bring back memories of Christmas past. However, as I was leaving I realized that the sounds and the “fragrance” of the petting zoo area are very much the sights and sounds of that first Christmas. It really made me think of the manger scene with animals and hay all around. This is very different from the Christmas memories that we have today. Visiting the petting zoo area may be an annual thing for me just to help me focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

I hope that you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

God is Good

2008-12-17T14:58:00.001-05:00

“God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good” states one line of a song that we hear in many churches today. Whenever things goes well, it is easy to declare that “God is good”, but what about those times when things aren’t so good? What about the times of feelings of loneliness or times of need? I’ve really thought a lot about the statement “God is good” over the past day or so. Is this a phrase that Christians use as an adjective to express feeling of joy over a “good day” or really something that we as Christians hold onto as a fact? One thing I have learned over the past few years (and yes they have been hard years) is that it takes a lot to say “God is good” during trying times. I have learned that “God is good” needs to become a fact that I hold on to no matter what the circumstances in my life may be.

Seeker Sensitivity

2008-10-16T09:07:00.001-05:00

The decision to start attending church again is a HUGE decision and a giant step on that journey of recovery. Remarkably, church may not be a place to quicken your recovery; in fact it may slow recovery down in some cases. There are people that come out of spiritual abuse that do want to attend church again; if nothing else just to have that weekly time to reflect and listen to God’s Word. In returning to church, many of us do not have the energy to do more than simply show up on Sunday morning. Our healing process is not to the point of being able to invest in other people; rather the energy consumed in our own recovery is all that we currently able to expend. It is with those feelings that we look for a place to “belong”; where we can just be ourselves and have some time to heal. Unfortunately, many churches do not have environments where this is encouraged. In some church settings, we may open ourselves up for abuse all over again being left even more bewildered than ever. It is with this in mind that I encourage those recovering from spiritual abuse to steer clear of “Seeker Sensitive” Churches.

Seeker Sensitive Churches seem to be the new trend in the church world today. Attracting those who are “unchurched” is the predominate drive in this movement, and the entire church “experience” is designed with these “unchurched” attendees in mind. This includes the use of rock music during the worship experience and the addition of many other elements (including concert type lighting, props, etc.) not typically witnessed in a “traditional” church setting. The subjects addressed on Sunday mornings are typically “felt need” topics that include money, marriage, children, sex, and service.

The “seeker sensitive” church is not a place where people are encouraged to attend just to come and experience God, and that is the reason that I recommend avoiding this type of church in the spiritual abuse recovery process. Subliminally (or overtly in some cases) it is suggested that the church is not only a place of worship but also work, with demand for certain behaviors being placed on attendees. There are three behaviors encouraged in all “seeker sensitive” churches that are seen as indicators of being a “good” member (not only are these behaviors encouraged, but they are tracked and measured by computer applications). The first behavior is small group membership, the second is giving, and the third is service. We may not be at a place where we want to attend a small group. So many times in the cases of spiritual abuse, the small group is the place where the majority of abuse occurred. In other cases, it seems like people in small groups are creeped out by those claiming that the church as an institution that almost destroyed their faith. We also may not be at a point where we want to give to a church financially, especially in light of our past experiences. Finally, serving may be the last thing that we need to do. The important thing is to take some time for ourselves and allow healing to take place. We would not send someone with a broken limb back out to some sort of physical activity without letting the injury heal. However, we encourage those who are spiritually broken to serve and be involved, when really they just need time to heal.

The bottom line is this… If you make the journey back into church don’t feel pressured to have to “do” anything. It is ok to take the time for you and allow yourself to heal. When the time is right for involvement you will know it. Seek a place that allows you to come and be rather than a place that demands that you come and do.

Back to the Future

2008-10-13T13:07:00.001-05:00

At some point in our healing process, we MAY make the decision to return to church. I made the decision one Sunday to attend a church that I was formerly on staff at. I was not prepared for the emotions that hit me like a ton of bricks as I entered the sanctuary that morning. I remember feeling like I could hardly breathe due to all memories flooding my mind all at once. Memories of speaking from the stage came to mind, but I also vividly remembered staff meetings, phrases, people, words and countless images that descended upon my spirit like one of the ghosts appearing to Scrooge in a Christmas Carol. I was not prepared to handle this and it really threw me for a loop, not only that morning but for many days after.

I am not a counselor or psychiatrist, but I can recommend, based on my personal experience, that if you decide to return to church after undergoing any type of spiritual abuse, attend a church that you have not previously attended. Even better, attend a totally different type of church or denomination (Christian denomination). It is hard enough to return to church without having to deal with the memories of past experiences – once again based on my personal experience. One of the biggest questions that comes to mind is where should I attend church then? That can be challenging. It has been reported to me that one local counselor claims that 70-80% of churches are unsafe places – that is 7-8 out of 10! This is a topic that will be discussed further in future blogs.

Catch Phrase

2008-09-15T14:12:00.001-05:00

This week was the second week in a row that I attended church (for those keeping score at home). During the service, a person was asked to share part of their journey regarding a very challenging struggle they are experiencing. This brought back memories of countless other stories (testimonies for those in the Baptist world) that I have heard throughout a lifetime in church. It seems like every story that I have heard given in church involves one of the following phrases (or some variation of them):

· God is faithful

· He will bring us through

· God is good

· It will be used for His glory

· It is all for good

You can also fill in the blank with the cliché’s and phrases that you have heard over the years. I realized after watching these people share their stories, that they are rewarded by countless praise. Pastors would talk about what great faith this person sharing their story has and how God is working through them and being a light to those around them.

Have you ever heard someone share a story in church where they didn’t know if they could believe in God again? A person sharing that they didn’t know if they still wanted anything to do with God. This Sunday I realized that if these types of feelings are ever shared in a church type setting (including small groups – Sunday School for those in Baptist circles) that the reaction to the story is very negative. These feeling are met with fear and unbelief, and are definitely not embraced, accepted, or praised. Rather, these individuals are left with a feeling of being less than or not measuring up. The typical response to these types of expressed feelings included being told that you do not have enough faith or do not trust enough.

It occurred to me that in church settings the words we choose are very important and determine if we are accepted or cast out. I don’t know if all of the stories that I have heard over my entire life in church are genuine or not. However, I do believe that we are sublimally taught that the use certain phrases gain us acceptance and love. However, deviate outside of those phrases, and you are not accepted or loved. I have to think that in the back of the mind of some of these people who chose all of the right words were serious doubts about what they are experiencing in life. They had to wonder if God was still there for them and if He had left them. Maybe they didn’t even think about that anymore because they had been sent a message not to feel that way. It is possible that those feelings have been repressed and part of them is dead because they do not know how to really feel what they are going through.

It is sad to think that real feelings have been replaced with catch phrases all in an attempt to do what? Maybe it is to make people feel good or not have to experience the discomfort of asking the hard questions. The fact is that life is messy and we all struggle with wondering if we can really trust God. Whether or not we can share that struggle is a whole different story.