Faetryn Emoting

Michael Jackson

2009-06-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

The death of a celebrity shouldn't have affected me this way, but it did. When the news outlets finally confirmed Michael Jackson's death, my friend Sarah and I were on the phone with each other for 2 hours, consoling each other with memories, nonsense, and general exclamations of I Can't Believe Its. We played his songs to each other. Simply put, we grieved. I was fully aware of that, but I don't know how to explain how surreal it is that I was doing that for someone like Michael Jackson, who, familiar and huge as he was, was not someone I know. The last few days I've mulled over this strange fog while - yep, you guessed it - singing along to Michael's songs, and at times even dancing...

Yes, I loved his stuff when I was growing up. Yes, he was one of the most successful and excellent entertainers. Yes, we wore out that tape of his Billie Jean performance at the Motown anniversary show - when he premiered the moonwalk. Oh my gosh, what was that?! Yes, I knew every word (and I still do, apparently), to "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" and "I'll Be There." His singing was remarkable.

No, of course I didn't know him, but I sort of did. You know what I mean? It's not like losing a loved one, but it is the death of someone and the death of something. Sarah said that she wanted Michael to make one more excellent piece of music before he went; I didn't have that expectation, so it's not even that I will miss him...

Carrie Brownstein wrote: "We've never known a world without Michael Jackson," and that certainly is true for me. That's the key to the fog. Michael Jackson was on my TV, my tape player, my car, my room. I think his death was such a blow, such a strange sort of grief, a surreal feeling because he was to me, like to many others, a part of our childhood. So a part of our childhood is dead. That's unnerving. We will all die.

The shock will wear off quickly in this fast globalized high-tech 24-hr news cycle world of ours. Before it does, I highly recommend this blog post by Andrew Sullivan who takes a short but much deeper look at Michael's life.

Thanks Michael. I'm glad the best part of you lives on and I can crank it up and dance to it whenever I want.

By Faith

2009-06-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

Edit: Oops. Made a correction. A sentence previously reads: "...to this impressive list of Jewish people of those days..." is changed to "...to this impressive list of people of those days..." because I realized some names are of pre-Jewish nation - and then - believers are not necessarily Jewish. Yay.

In the Bible, there is a book called "Hebrews." No one knows who wrote it, but the early church fathers who canonized the Bible decided it should still be there anyway; and I'm glad for that decision. Some scholars believe it is written by a woman, which is so interesting and encouraging because - well - the society that wrote the other books was (and is) kind of chauvinistic.

But I digress. Here's the story:

My good friend got a tattoo recently, a Hebrew script of the words: "By faith" around his upper arm. My friend got it from Hebrews chapter 11 where it repeatedly said, "By faith, so and so did this and that.... by faith, when so and so heard, she..." It is a stunning passage that celebrates these people and their actions which were based on faith, the condition of "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

He told me that before he got the tattoo, he wanted to check with someone who can read Hebrew to ensure that the script he had picked out (in Hebrew) in fact means and says "by faith" - because after all, translations often are not direct.

So he consulted a friend of a friend who confirmed that the script actually says "by faith." This friend of a friend added that the phrase in Hebrew is something that the Jews would say in the morning when they wake up (or something like that). And in that context, they would actually mean to say: "By God's faithfulness."

God's!

This rocks my world - and my friend's too - because this whole while, we thought the passage was drawing us to this impressive list of people of those days. And while we are (and ought to be) amazed and encouraged by their example, it struck me that it is also (and perhaps primarily so) by God's faithfulness that they were able to do those things.

A shift of focus, which was what I needed.

"I burn for your peace"

2009-05-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

Late have I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient, ever new, late have I loved you! You were within me, but I was outside, and it was there that I searched for you. In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things that you created. You were with me, but I was not with you.

Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you, they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me;

I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you, now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burn for your peace.

-- Confessions of St. Augustine

Whew!

I know, right?

Phyllis Tickle read this (and showed it) during her teaching on the feminine side of the Holy Spirit. Trust me, you're gonna wanna listen to the podcast. It is even better in that context. Under 5.3.09 titled: "A Treasure We Don't Understand."

For my part, the Holy Spirit is part of the Trinity - part of the Christian faith - which has always confounded me. This is the first time I've felt like I progressed in that understanding. Although, to call it "understanding" is a bit misleading, because it's not like it makes sense in my head any more than it did before. However, hearing about the Spirit's feminine side - and from such an authoritative source who is a woman! - somehow makes me more comfortable with the mystery of the Person (the Spirit). It is a knowledge that transcends my intellect because I know the comfort of my mother's embrace, even though I may not know everything there is to know about her.

So, I suppose, it is a bit like having been hugged.

So Do La Fa Mi Do Re...

2009-05-07T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to be a part of something like this. Always. And the fact that they did it to this music/film/musical, just makes my week.

Add this to the good list!

A primal instinct

2009-04-19T23:50:00.000-07:00

A: I came home for the afternoon. I was on the floor. Crying.
B: Hmmm... You know, I almost called you. That might be when I was thinking about calling you. That might be when you were on the floor.
A: Yeah? Interesting.
B: Yeah. How long were you on the floor?
A: I don't know. A little bit. (Long pause) I think I eventually got up because I got hungry.
B: (laughs)

I think it's funny that the thing that got us to peel ourselves off the floor and onto our feet is so basic and primal. Thank God for that.

The Good List, part 2

2009-04-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

There's something about these performances that rattles me to the core in a good way. They are great singers of course, and this fact counts, but that's not really why. One of them, you'd expect it of him, and the other performer was set up (by the editing of the video) so that we would be surprised.

But I'm convinced of another intangible yet undeniable quality about them: The way they soar with the joy they exude - hear it in Jeff Buckley's laugh at the end of the song - and the joy they generate - see it the people's faces upon hearing Susan Boyle, the unlikely singer at Britain's Got Talent.

What gems. They deserve repeat listening.

Here's Jeff Buckley - over the phone - (and friends) singing a Bob Dylan tune. The singing starts in the 4th minute, but the talking is pretty fun also.

And here's Susan Boyle, who surely you've heard/seen by now, and if you haven't, please click here.

The Good List

2009-04-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

aka: What I watch/read online when I need to stop being so sad/angry/annoyed/irked/depressed. Enjoy!

Love: Elmo remains in character - and even dishes it back to Mr. Gervais! Also love: Mr. Gervais finds Elmo hilarious. It really doesn't get any better.

I know, I know, I am a full-fledged sucker for this stuff.

Simply well-done.

And then this: This trailer (for a film) is so beautiful it makes me wish it's October. Would you believe, I've never read the book? Depravity!

Hint hint

2009-04-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

There's a story in the Bible really early on, about Abraham and his son Isaac. God said to Abraham, Take Isaac your only son to the mountain and sacrifice him there as a burnt offering. Yes, really. This is one of those points in the Bible that is so severe and ridiculous that makes me think it really is the truth, otherwise, why is it in there?

So Abraham went, and Isaac (who was most likely a grown man by then) went also. Right before they reached their destination, Isaac asked, "Father, where is the lamb for the burnt offering?" as it is customary to bring your own lamb to kill and to burn. Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son."

I wonder if Abraham knew somehow that he was right, not only in their specific predicament but for the universal, human problem also. In that story, God stopped Abraham in the nick of time from killing Isaac and provided a ram nearby for them to sacrifice instead. This story, down to the detail where God said to Abraham: "Take your son, your only son, whom you love," is a foreshadow of what was to come thousands of years later in Jesus' sacrifice, as God's son died instead of us, for us. It's a hint.

Some people say Abraham went ahead with it, despite how distraught he was by God's request, because he thought even if his son had to die, his God was powerful enough to resurrect the dead.

Yet another hint.

Lent: Come, Lord Jesus

2009-04-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

I was plotting and dreaming about what to do for Easter this year when this memory came to mind.

It was at our house during my roommate Christina's birthday party some years ago and it was an interaction with George during a game.

Each partygoer had a piece of paper stuck to our backs with a name of a famous person or character. The goal is to guess the name on our backs by asking others yes/no questions. The game is designed to get friends and strangers talking to one another; it was an ice-breaker, of sorts, because our house liked mixing company. I was walking through the kitchen when George stopped me. Strangely, we were the only two there. He was Christina's friend from the industry, and since Christina and I were (and are) friends from church, I didn't know him well. But he had been coming by and hanging out at our house a lot, and I liked his humor and all-around good-natured-ness.

"Hey," he was pointing at his back. I took a quick look. Moses.
"Yeah, go for it."
"Am I male?"
"Yep."
"Am I dead?"
"Yes."
"Am I in the Bible?"
"Yes."
"Am I Jesus?"
"No."
"Am I Moses?"
"Bingo."

We nodded - a sort of non-contact high-five - and I was almost out the door and out of his view when I realized something, so I backtracked a bit, leaning back so he could my face, and called out, "George!" He looked up at me from his food.

"Jesus is not dead."

He smirked and chuckled - in that tolerating kind of way, that, "Oh, you crazy Christians,..." way, so I smiled and said, "For reals!" or something of that nature, then walked on.

It's Friday, but Sunday's a comin' y'all!!

Lent: Something New

2009-03-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

I never thought that depression would cause me to fear fiction books, but that's what happened. I first became aware of this when my friend said that during his depression, he couldn't bring himself to read anything new. His remark startled me since this friend is the most voracious reader I know. But that's him, I thought. Well, as it turns out, I have that disease also. I haven't read any new fiction work - I tried - Chabon's Yiddish Policemen Union - but could not get past the third chapter. I stopped and picked up To Kill A Mockingbird instead.

I think this is why my friend and I couldn't handle a new work of fiction: the thought of an unknown storyline doesn't excite us like it used to; rather, the possibility of difficult scenes, or a heartbreaking ending, or a surprise, just creates an apprehension. In short, they scare us a little. We return to old favorites, whether lighthearted or sad, at least we know what happens and how it ends. They comfort and console us, kind of like an old friend has just come by to sit next to you to listen, hug, make you laugh, and sit some more.

Somehow this malady comes to mind as I wait for Easter Sunday. It seems like the right time to take a bold step and read something new. Easter commemorates the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which happened two thousand years ago because God said, I'm doing something new and remarkable. Unbelievable and outrageous. And you won't believe just how good because you ain't seen anything like it.

There's nothing wrong with old favorites, but this past year I have not expected anything new to be anything good, when really, why shouldn't they be?

Suggestions for new (at least new to me) written works of fiction, you should definitely send my way.

Lent: in the middle of it

2009-03-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

I desperately need something outrageously, exceptionally good to happen soon.

This Orange will keep fighting

2009-03-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was somethin' else.

I was at my friends' home in the midst of finishing up dinner and cleaning up when I remembered that SU was playing UConn in the Big East Tournament. I checked ESPN quickly to realize, hey, we're not getting creamed (at 2nd quarter, 6 min. left), considering it's UConn (read: strong team). Actually, this is a close game! Aaron let me turn on the TV and he and Susan were quickly sucked in. I was jumping up and down, burying my face on the couch, hitting the pillow, yelling OMG! OMG! Four overtimes? Five overtimes?

The game lasted SIX overtimes; neither team could get ahead very much to secure a win throughout the game and subsequent overtimes, until the sixth overtime when SU scored a three pointer right off the bat and finally gained enough, winning by 10 points. Those of you who don't really care about basketball or sports, you can at least appreciate that six overtimes is rare and it is a long time to be running around on the court. For those of you who like sports and basketball: HOLY COW, right?! And to my fellow Orange crew: was it not the sweetest thing ever!?!?!?

We ended up losing the championship to Louisville a few days after -- but!! I have a feeling that when asked, 5-10 years from now, you'd struggle to recall the 2009 Big East champions but you might still remember that everyone was buzzing about the epic battle between the Orange and the Huskies.

I was just riveted by the team for fighting so hard and not letting go. Through the entire game I was a bit stressed out, thinking, I better not get my hopes up (it's UConn!). I was telling myself that it's okay if they don't win, they're at least making UConn work for it, and they're really awesome, they're tired because they played the night before, blah blah blah. And yet, I knew they did stand a chance, somehow, because they fought on. A friend and fellow SU alum said to me, "I was just so proud of them," even though they didn't win the championship. Yep. This is why I like college ball. This is why I appreciate (true) fans of sports teams (even though I may make fun of the sport itself): No matter your team's W-L record, they're your team, and you root for 'em, you stick with 'em.

My team showed me that I have such hesitant faith, such cowardly disposition towards winning. Even now, I'm lowering my expectations for the tournament (to begin this Fri.). Can't help it. But they also showed me that I would've been okay if we hadn't won that game because my faith doesn't hinge on them winning, rather, it keeps going because they keep on fighting, and it keeps going simply because they're my team. So my bracket will - must - have the Syracuse Orange going all the way. Because!

Serendipitous clicking times two

2009-03-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

Incident #1

Saw my friend Eric Bryant's tweet saying that he's about to read a book titled Sin Boldly. Catchy title, I thought. Then my friend Sandra tweeted back: I want to read that! Now, if - not one, but - two esteemed friends think a book is worthy, then I usually pay attention. But I didn't do anything until,... later in the day I went to Jeffrey Overstreet's blog and scrolled around to find a link to Cathleen Falsani's blog about U2's new album. I clicked. Aaaand yep, turns out, that's the writer of Sin Boldly. I chuckled.

Serendipity reminds me that the Spirit is alive and He can be cute.

Falsani's blog is fun to read as it is well-crafted. She writes super well in at least two styles, I've noticed. She is a journalist, so there is that clarity, coherence, and that distinct reporting style in her posts; but she is also a soulful artist, because some posts are just meditations, like a photo accompanied by someone else's poem. I appreciate how at ease she is with so many subjects. And c'mon, its title is "The Dude Abides: an existential crossing guard at the intersection of spirituality and pop culture" -- how can I not like this girl?

Incident #2

All these people I admire and like are on Twitter. As I'm adding them to my 'following' list, I keep running into this name: Andy Crouch. And then - I found another gem. Andy's blog (may I call you Andy?) aims to inspire by collating all these great exemplars of creativity found anywhere, in the form of anything. It is tremendously encouraging to see, not only these documentations of creativity, but the source of and motivation for this website. I'm sold.

Put it simply, I've found my kind of people, and it is a wonderful feeling. And by "my kind of people" I just mean - if we could meet in person, I think we might be friends or at least enjoy talking to one another over a long breakfast.

Anyway, check them out already.

Lent: FB withdrawals

2009-03-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

Besides stalking, my favorite activity on Facebook is posting newsworthy links. I know I do this because I want everyone to think I am cool, hip, witty, intelligent, deep, etc. But I also do this because I am a natural evangelist. When I like something, you'll know about it, because I think you might like it too. Ever since Facebook came into my life, it has been the primary and quickest way to share stuff. News articles or other postings come with a "Share" link which makes it easier to upload it to my FB page than any other platform, like my blog.

So - to prove that I can still function without FB until Easter Sunday, I have links here! Some of these have been shared via Twitter. I also notice that the list consists of mostly music/listening, which should tell you something about my pastime of late.

Heard a message by Rudy Carrasco & thought: yes, brother, preach it! Google him or listen to that message here (under Feb. 22nd). He talks about community, authenticity, and unity, but most powerful to me is his personal story. He works and lives in Pasadena, CA.
Chills, I tell ya: Leonard Cohen live from the Beacon Theatre.
Heard a stunning cover of U2's Running to Stand Still by Elbow. just so nice. (Turns out it's in an album of covers called War Child - Heroes v. 1).
Checking out www.hulu.com because I got tired of Fox.com's video on demand lack of capabilities. (Yes, I'm trying to watch House).
Also, chadl2 is trying to get me to use last.fm... I don't know if it's gonna work.
Best silliest clip feat. U2, you might've seen it if you caught them on Dave Letterman on the day this was aired. If you didn't, it is so worth it.
For all you Jesus followers and leaders of your faith community, you might be interested in a talk based on 1 Corinthians 3, titled "Rakes & Shovels," from Rockharbor (Costa Mesa, CA). Nothing new, but a great reminder and a worthwhile challenge about how we view the "Church" and ourselves.
Amazon.com has a solid mp3 downloads section with one huge advantage over iTunes: no DRM - so if you buy it from Amazon you're not restricted to just 5 computers, or whatever iTunes says. And oh, one more: 256kbps mp3 format -- not 128kbps AAC.

Although I can find alternative avenues to share these findings, I miss Facebook for catching what others (my tasteful, intelligent, hip, fun friends) are listening to. Not enough of these cool folks tweet - yet.

Hasta luego, Facebook

2009-03-03T17:08:00.001-08:00

I saw something on Facebook today, someone's comment on someone else's page, and caught myself thinking/wondering/obsessing/theorizing about this person whom I don't even know... and then -- just like that, I'm giving up Facebook for Lent.

It's such a great tool to keep in touch with people and share stuff. But I spend way too much time on it, looking up certain people and 'stalking' them, that it is time to take a long break. It will do my heart good. I'm announcing it so it's out there; you can keep me accountable. The bookmark/shortcut button is off from my browser, and the rest of it is my willpower and God's grace.

Lent: God's heart and food allergies

2009-03-02T10:51:00.000-08:00

Wow, my journey with Lent is very very similar to this writer's. Thanks Sandra for the link.

Like the writer, I also had prayed more than I had ever done the year I gave up coffee. I believe that was the year I started greeting God in the morning, because that would be the second thought. First thought: coffeeeeeeeee..... (then second thought: oh, I gave it up for Lent. Hi, God). Like the writer, I was also skeptical at first at the 'tradition' and religiosity with which the season is laced. But praying and fasting are not just religious traditions, they are spiritual disciplines, as in, they actually do bring you closer to God. And when you engage in a spiritual discipline, you shake the spiritual realm, you challenge the status quo, and you learn more about God's heart. I don't balk at 'tradition' as much anymore because that is what the evil one would want me to do: fool me into thinking I am better/stronger/more spiritual than said tradition.

The writer also alerts me to another side benefit to giving up certain foods for lent: discovering allergies. My eczema has started to act up recently, and I wonder if it is food-related or just environment. I have theories; it's time to test them.

Onward.

New, fun things

2009-03-01T23:04:00.001-08:00

Yogurtland
Yes, another frozen yogurt place, but this one offers plenty of yogurt flavors (my faves are the fruity ones) and sells it (and toppings) by the weight of your cup; all is self-serve. I've been buying just the yogurt, multiple flavors in the cup, without topping, and I haven't spent more than $3. Wonderful, except the location I frequent is such a tight space, forming a line for yogurt and toppings gets to be such a chore.

The Sartorialist
Photoblog by Scott Schuman, formerly of GQ. Great street fashion photography, as in, the photography is great, and the fashion is great, because it is what people wear on the street(s of NYC, Paris, Milan), not on the runway. The whole thing is fabulous.

Shugo Tokumaru
Think Sufjan Stevens: brilliant, lush, complex multi-instrumental sounds, but - even more quirky! NPR Music has a bunch of his stuff for you to sample.

Fleet Foxes
Pretty much in love with 'em, and I know I'm late in joining the club. But again, NPR Music has cool sessions and streams to sample them.

I heart NPR Music.
Just crazy about it.

Making the World Human Again
I haven't read the book, so technically this is not a true recommendation but 1. the premise interests me, and 2. I know and admire the author as a person and as a leader/thinker, and 3. I enjoy the author's writings and thoughts. So, to preview his writing check out his blog (also under "I like it here..." list in this blog's right column). Can't wait to read it.

Tweeting
Micro-blogging is not a fad after all. I'm gettin' the hang of it. Still not enough friends on it - yet - but the fun of it is growing for me. I'm learning how to negotiate it; that is, how many tweets a day, how personal should I get (who's following me?), what to share, etc. because it is a different tool with a different format and audience. Anyway. Hoping more friends would be on it to keep me on it. But then again, this blog is alive after 5 years even though I'm sure my audience is minuscule. Maybe it's more about keeping me alive...

This Season of Lent

2009-02-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

Good stuff on Lent. The Colbert video gets better towards the end.

I like this season leading up to Easter. The posture of Lent is super attractive to me: denial of self exhibited through a giving up of something that is normal and usual for us. Some people give up something or some habit they deem is bad for them, like swearing or smoking or vast amounts of dessert, but I always say it doesn't have to be a bad thing, though it is good to give up something bad. Please do.

Per usual, I'm late in figuring out and praying through what I should give up for Lent. I've given up coffee before; blogging and reading blogs, chocolate, and dessert, to name a few. So, I know I will need to give up something, something that is hard for me to do (Facebook? Laptop usage after a certain hour? Listening to music? All of the above?), I just don't know what yet.

But I know what I want to take up.

In the mornings when I wake up, I've made it my habit to say, to the quiet empty room I'm in, "Morning, God," and doing this has helped me bring my day into perspective.

It occured to me that God might've been saying, "Morning, Fae," back to me this whole time, but I haven't really put any effort to listen. Because usually I ramble on - "So, God, I have to write a lot today, please help me concentrate, and I really need to..." My to-do list. My wants. My needs. And lately I've been thinking, how nice it would be to delay the list, and just hear His voice call my name. Say, Hello, dear. Morning. Yes, I do think your dream was weird, too.

So, as simple as this might seem to you, these Lenten mornings I'm going to listen to God, enjoy His company, and hang out. This means I have to wake up earlier than I do now and get out of bed sooner, too. Pray for me.

Happy Lent-ing.

A Girl's Guide to a Breakup, Ch. 7

2009-02-15T20:10:00.001-08:00

Survival Kit

A few months ago, a friend told me via e-mail that she encouraged her sister to read my blog, particularly the Breakup posts, because she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. I think of my friend's sister often, so in case she's still reading (considering I haven't posted in this particular topic in a while), Hello. I know what you're up against. I don't know what would help you, but I know that I gobbled up everything I could to get through one more day, one more week. So with that in mind, here's a list of things and people who helped, and why they helped. I hope they are available to you.

Henri Nouwen's The Inner Voice of Love. Nouwen wrote these short spiritual imperatives, designed to be read one at a time, to be relished. Don't rush. I started it in June, it is now February, and I'm only twho-thirds in. It's not a 40-day of something, it's a lifetime of it. It's not for people who have goals to achieve, it's for us the broken, the tired, the desperate. Nouwen knows what he is talking about and so it makes me feel like he knows me, which is the most comforting notion yet disconcerting at the same time. Sometimes it takes me a whole week to get through one short imperative. I let one just sit around, go back to it again as it swirls and swells in my heart.
The Bible's book of Psalms. I've always though the Psalms were cool, you know, they were the blues of their time. They wail and protest: How long to sing this song, Lord?! I picture the psalmists in their harps (okay, guitars, electric) or horns and just emo-ing out. But now, I see the tears in their eyes, the pained, tired eyes. And when they sing Hallelujah, it's a jumping up and down Hallelujah, sure, but it's also a cold and a broken Hallelujah (to borrow Leonard Cohen's verbiage). When they say praise the Lord, it comes from a deep hole that cannot be filled but by God's consuming fire. I get it now. I am the Lord's, not because of some intellectual decision I made, but because I need Him. I have no one else to yell at, cry to, and ask from.
The saints that have gone before you, the angels who cover you and hold you, aka your friends. I hope you know someone like Matt, who from thousands of miles away would write and call (thank you, Skype), counsel you with anecdotes, and send you books. You need someone like Shuwen, who would let you cry on her shoulder and hold you like your life depends on it. Or David, Cynthia, Sarah, Patrick, who would regularly IM and talk to you just because they want you to be okay. Or Elang and Sanchia, who would make you laugh. Or other amazing women who have experienced the same disappointments and who have wisdom beyond yours. You need a village to carry you through. It is not good for (wo)man to be alone. In short, friends' words and hugs are good. Very good.
Being in the presence of beauty - preferably nature - helps me. I think it's because when I can breathe fresh air, stare at the vast ocean, and play, I get back to the root of why God created humans, and that is a great reminder that it is well with my soul. Breathe deep. Rest. Play. Eat. Repeat.
Be patient. Take your time. Well-meaning people would want you to shape up, get busy, get your mind off things, date, drink, etc. I didn't. (In hindsight, exercising would have been a great remedy). But I just stayed true to my pace, and am still going about it the best I know how. And really, I didn't feel like drinking, dating, making myself busy (other than what was necessary, like writing my thesis), because even though I knew they might help in the short run, I might cheat myself out of the healing process. I've taken to saying, "Well, what doesn't kill you,... might make you sick. But the Lord heals and He raises people from the dead, so either way, we're covered." It's just my way of telling myself, all shall be well.
Don't try to make him out to be a bad guy if he is not. Don't make someone (you or he) something more or less than he/she is, because that is what evil tries to do. I tried to tell myself that he is not worth it, he is an ass, he is ... fill in the blank; but God would counter my points every time, by bringing up a memory, which is so annoying! Then I would try to list my faults - and God would say, yeah, so what? "So what?" is a dangerous and effective question. It challenges the status quo, the obvious, the thing that has claimed itself as the truth. Forget it, I'd say, I would never get married!!! and He says, "Oh really? So what?" and then I'm stumped. So what if I don't ever get married? Is that my goal? Is that happiness? Is that what I construe as success? Well, why? So what if I do get married someday? "So what" helps me drill down to the core, which is why I think God says it to me often.
Go to the Lord. He can take it. He wants it. Yell out your fears, dreams, and disappointments. He is used to His bipolar children (e.g. me) and He is not surprised by you. I was struck by the depths to which I went, but He's been there and He is there, too.

On Beauty

2009-02-03T17:55:00.006-08:00

I have, for as long as I can remember, been haunted by beauty. I mean that, my mind and heart are consumed by questions like what makes a creation (human or divine) beautiful, why do I deem something as beautiful, and does that mean it is perfect, or good, or useful, or can it just be beautiful? If something is good, is it beautiful? The Greeks have thought long and hard about this stuff too, so I'm definitely not an original.

Then, understand that I leaped upon finding this essay. It adequately tackles the connections or relations between the idea of beauty and God, something I've wanted to explore further. The author opens by challenging the notion that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," which I've always felt is - not entirely, but - somewhat bunk. And then it goes on to defend exactly why I think it's somewhat bunk, in a much superior manner than I can ever do. It basically summarizes something I've come to believe (after reading much on the topic) that beauty is a signpost to the ultimate Creator, it suggests and reveals His character, as it provokes and uncovers our longing for Him. While cultures and epochs may not agree as to what constitutes beauty (this is whole other essay, perhaps), the function of and reaction to beauty is the same throughout.

My friend has a song in which she sings, "I am beautiful, because you are beautiful." The "you" there is God, and I think that line (both the lyric and the music) is beautiful, because, something in me (and probably in you, too) wants to desperately believe it, even though it is hard to prove. A beautiful creation, like the Grand Canyon or the Sistine Chapel, might convince, a la it hits you over the head with the truth; but I submit that more likely than not, like line from a song, it lures, it appeals, it tingles. It echoes our souls.

There is definitely more to the topic than this, so pardon my careless treatment of it here, and just enjoy the essay.

About Andrew

2009-01-15T17:46:00.004-08:00

Life has been busy, so that could explain the long bout of silence in the blogging, but to be honest, I haven't been stirred by anything much lately... until I listened to Rob Bell -- yep, him again -- quoting this guy, Andrew Sullivan, in his recent sermon about the Force that is behind every living thing. This Andrew guy wrote:

This, it seems to me, is the true mystery of the incarnation, the notion that in Jesus, God became man. I believe this in the only way I can: that one man represents, for all time, God's decision to truly be with us. The reason I call myself a Christian is not because I manage to subscribe, at any given moment, to all the truths that the hierarchy of my church insists I believe in, let alone because I am a good person or a "good Catholic." I call myself a Christian because I believe that, in a way I cannot fully understand, the force behind everything decided to prove itself benign by becoming us, and being with us. And as soon as people grasped what had happened, what was happening, the world changed forever. The Gospels - all of them, including some that were rejected by the early Church - are mere sketches of a life actually lived, and an experience that can never be reduced to words or texts or doctrines...

Naturally, once I'm properly smittened, I look this guy up. I went to his blog. Turns out, he is primarily a political writer. But links later, I found his blog-debate with Sam Harris, the rising spokesperson for atheism, who is also a very strong, intelligent writer. And then I couldn't stop reading. It's not a relaxing piece of reading, nor is it 'urgent.' You might find it moving, though, like I did, to encounter two highly articulate, contemporary people engaging in a real, passionate debate. I even prefer the forum of letter-writing for stuff like this, because you can track back. I'm sure Sam and Andrew can kick each other's ass on stage, too, but there is something very - I dunno - civil, erudite, about writing.

The Birth of Hope

2008-12-24T08:00:00.005-08:00

A few years ago, U2 came to town for an unsuspected second stop -- this was in 2001. Despite having caught them the first time around earlier in the year, I wanted to go again. Though, anyone who has been to a U2 show knows, it is probably the first show that makes you want to go see a second one. Anyway, my roommate Clee and I went to line up in hopes of rush tickets (day of the show). We went rather early and waited aaalll day. We didn't get any tickets. In fact the rush tickets ran out just a few persons before us.

That small event occurred to me as I thought about hope - and Jesus' birth and the way all these things are connected - because that experience of waiting, although it yielded no concert, was a lot of fun. I remember Clee's phone would ring a catchy little ditty that strangers around us soon would memorize, and there we all were, U2 hopefuls, humming along to a ringtone, even after the phone has been picked up. My other friend, also waiting in line somewhere away from us, would keep calling me to get updates.

The trouble I have with hope in general is that it takes so long and it has immense possibility to disappoint. So I think of the U2 concert because then I think, that maybe even in the wait and in the face of disappointment, hoping can be fun and really good. Did we know it was HIGHLY unlikely that we'd get in? Oh yes. But there was a small tiny chance and so we gave it a shot.

This has everything to do with the birth of Christ. The Jewish nation at the time still dared to hope that God will deliver them from oppression, despite hundreds of years of Roman rule. Years of God's silence was broken when the angel announced to Zechariah and Elizabeth: even in your old age, you will bear a son, who will prepare the way for the Savior. Years of waiting for the Messiah ended when Mary gave birth to Jesus, even though she was a virgin. Despite Herod's scheming and killing, the baby Jesus escaped, thanks to God's voice and Joseph and Mary's obedience. Hope is defiant and non-sensical.

But even at that first Christmas, the night that ended and began many hopes, there were 30 years before Jesus started - you know - being the Jesus we know and hear about. And even when he was ministering to people, he did not end human suffering and bring down the oppressive forces of Caesar like they thought he would. He is finally here, but we still have to wait for his second coming for the rest of the work to be finished. He started it and he will complete it.

So even when, even if, despite this and that and everything that breaks our spirits: We will wait. And there shall be good times while we wait. U2 is still touring. Hallelujah.

Merry Christmas everyone.

According to my brother

2008-12-17T08:17:00.004-08:00

I find the Twilight rage rather annoying. Now, I caveat this by saying, I haven't read the book or seen the film. I don't believe that one must see/experience/try something before forming an opinion about it, especially when it comes to films or books. We're busy folks and there's a lot of stuff out there, so we try to select films or books that appeal to us, based on reviews or marketing or whatever method or source we trust. I'm totally not interested in the franchise and even quite disturbed by its popularity, based on a lot of things I've read and heard about it, from people who have read the book or seen the film.

The best review yet came from my brother. First of all, if you know my brother, you would be surprised, like I was, that he even saw the film. Brother is far outside the demographic nor the type. He's a dude's dude. A military school alumnus, a chemical engineer, an athlete. Alright, so he watches Gossip Girl but it's 60% for the lead chick who is hot and the rest for the funny soapy drama of it. Okay, mayybe 70% for the hot chick. (I actually enjoy the show, too). In seeing Twilight he blamed his best friend who allegedly dragged him, but I suspect there was a female involved in the outing, too.

So I said, "How was it?"
He said, "Awful," shaking his head, "Man, just so bad."
"How awful?"
"Why does a vampire glitter in sunlight? What the hell? Glitter?! I said outloud in the theater, oh are you kidding me?!"

There ya go.

I unearthed a relic

2008-12-13T21:32:00.006-08:00

While in my house in Jakarta, I like to excavate old things. Old books and journals, old photo albums, old cameras, anything that I don't get to access on a regular basis since I haven't lived here for many years. They are great for jogging my memory - or perhaps for giving me clues, especially about times or people I did not know.

The other day, I saw a cabinet filled with a tape player, an FM/AM tuner, an equalizer, a receiver - ah, so very 70s/80s, manual and analog! I assume they were my father's. What elegant pieces, I thought, not a high-end maker, surely, but knobs and buttons are manual - no remote control attached, and a decent chrome-color finish that seals that look. Dated but elegant nonetheless. Sturdy, as if when they were built they were expected to last 20-30 years. Who makes stuff like that anymore? These days our technological apparatus is made to become obsolete in 2-3 years. Why? (Rhetorical)

On top of the cabinet, there is a record player and - this is the point of my blog - on its lid there is a sticker. It cracked me up.

One guess as to which kid (out of 3) put it there.

(Not me - too masculine - and not my baby brother - not his era).

R&R in Belitung, Day Two

2008-12-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

Now that I think about it, there's not much to report on Day 2. We got on a boat, we went from one small uninhabited island to another, we swam, climbed rocks, and sat around in the sun.

We hired a boat and a driver the day before to pick us up at 9.30 and drop us off at... whenever we want! We took a large bottle of Bintang (aka beer), a large bottle of water, some calamari and fried fish, Pringles, Kusuka (cassava chips) - hoisted ourselves onto the boat (by stepping on a plastic chair. Hey, it's an old boat there's no step!), and toured the neighboring islands. These islands are small and uninihabited and they host clean and clear beaches and massive rocks. The rocks are mostly separate from the islands - like little isles on their own. So we played. We swam and climbed rocks most of the time.

Here are a few more suggestions for a day of island hopping:

Bring and wear handy beach footwears because while the sand may feel like butter, those rocks can scratch and cut. They look smooth, but they are not. I have scratches and cuts on my foot - though not as bad as SH and RE got 'em - and my thighs and stomach from trying to get atop those rocks only in my bikini. But they were too enticing to be left alone. Will post some photos, you'll see what I mean. That said, too many of them are unclimbable because they don't spring up from the sandy beach, they are out in the water, and they have to steep an incline.
Bring first aid kit - bandaids, antiseptics, etc. because the hotel doesn't have any! And you would be too far away from the first convenience store.
The water is clean but not fit for snorkeling this time of year. The current and winds are picking up and it rains everyday. Also, the hotel will not have proper gear for you to rent or borrow, so bring your own.
Wear sunscreen, and re-apply often.

I said before that I was going to go solo on this trip. Clear my head, breathe deep, and just enjoy God's creation. That would've surely been good and beneficial, but I am so grateful for SH and RE. Without them, there would be no island hopping, no guitar playing, no sandman making, no kopi tubruk and fresh crab, no laughs.