ComputerJy World

Cubicle Wisdom

2009-07-08T02:11:00.001+03:00

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
If at first you don't succeed--try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Reasons Why Dogs are Better than Kids

2009-06-30T15:51:00.001+03:00

For all you who do or don't have kids...

Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers.
They have more hair when they are born.
Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave.
Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE'S TOUCHING ME!!!!"
Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends.
Dogs don't wear holes in the knees of their trousers.
It doesn't matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth.
You can cage a dog without going to jail.
Dogs don't "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda.
Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won't laugh at the special effects.
Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than dragging them around in public.
It's OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog
The older a Dog gets, the more they like you.
Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why.
Dogs don't roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier.
Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil.
Dogs don't jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you,considerately adding to your warmth.
Dog poop is easier to get off the wall than crayon.
When Dogs don't listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language.
Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away.
No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper.
Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litter box. Kids won't even dump the litter box.
When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don't have to explain that the two of you are "wrestling to see who does the dishes."
Dogs don't grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months.
Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered.

What you long for...

2009-06-28T15:36:00.000+03:00

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people,no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did."

He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. "

"You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

The Engineering Approach

2009-06-28T11:49:00.001+03:00

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

If Women Ran the World

2009-06-24T17:39:00.001+03:00

Medical research money would be spent on developing new birth control methods for men.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

Men would be forced to purchase overpriced clothes every season.

Overweight men would be encouraged to wear girdles.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

"Ms. Magazine" would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men who designed women's shoes would be forced to wear them.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women make.

Men would learn phrases like: I'm sorry, I love you, You're beautiful, Of course you don't look fat in that outfit, Go to sleep-I'll take care of the baby, etc.

Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

Men would pay as much attention to their women as their cars.

All toilet seats would be nailed down.

All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.

Men would have their wedding rings permanently attached so they can't pretend to be single.

For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

If Men Really Ruled The World

2009-06-24T17:38:00.001+03:00

(from November 1998 issue of Maxim Magazine)

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go out with the guys. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

... and more from other emails...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Things Children Say

2009-06-15T16:20:00.001+03:00

Public Outcry

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said O.K.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting,

"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

Who caused that white hair?

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

A Wise Little Girl

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." When the minister spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Too Rough

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Kissing on the Playground

An honest seven-year-old told her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

That Baby in There

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Bathroom Breaks

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Tithing...

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Saying Grace

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Children in Church

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

Pastor's Kids

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Parenting

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

First Things First

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class. "No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was,"No!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Wittle Wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby? Or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice,
"I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."

The Assignment

2009-06-13T11:56:00.000+03:00

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.

Youthful Insight

2009-06-12T23:43:00.001+03:00

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids. Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich. Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out. Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10 (The boy already understands)

Animal Style

2009-06-12T02:59:00.001+03:00

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later…

Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

.Net Obfuscation

2009-05-24T19:21:00.001+03:00

For everyone out there looking for good Obfuscation for Microsoft .NET binaries, You might want to try Eazfuscator.NET. It’s really good, really easy to use and FREE

What is Butt Dust?

2009-05-01T13:13:00.000+03:00

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, ' If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are But dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Street fighters (Crackers on Paper edition)

2009-04-29T17:00:00.001+03:00

One more theory

2009-04-29T16:55:00.001+03:00

6 foot a**hole

2009-04-21T01:45:00.001+03:00

While she was “flying” down the road (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “What do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face - PRICELESS

Stress management

2009-04-20T15:45:00.001+03:00

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.
Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See. You're smiling already.

Programming Quotes

2009-04-16T16:09:00.001+03:00

"Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it." - Brian Kernighan

"There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses." - Bjarne Stroustrup

"Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand." - Martin Fowler

"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult" - C.A.R. Hoare

"Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves." - Alan Kay

"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight" - Bill Gates

"If you want to set off and go develop some grand new thing, you don’t need millions of dollars of capitalization. You need enough pizza and Diet Coke to stick in your refrigerator, a cheap PC to work on and the dedication to go through with it" - John Carmack

"Programs must be written for people to read, and only incidentally for machines to execute" - Abelson / Sussman

"Question: How does a large software project get to be one year late? Answer: One day at a time!" - Fred Brooks

"Nobody should start to undertake a large project. You start with a small trivial project, and you should never expect it to get large. If you do, you’ll just overdesign and generally think it is more important than it likely is at that stage. Or worse, you might be scared away by the sheer size of the work you envision. So start small, and think about the details. Don’t think about some big picture and fancy design. If it doesn’t solve some fairly immediate need, it’s almost certainly over-designed. And don’t expect people to jump in and help you. That’s not how these things work. You need to get something half-way useful first, and then others will say “hey, that almost works for me”, and they’ll get involved in the project." - Linus Torvalds

8 monkeys

2009-04-13T15:00:00.001+03:00

(This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K.)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.

However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies' policies get established.

The Geekiest name

2009-04-09T09:14:00.001+03:00

Famous people

2009-04-09T09:13:00.001+03:00

Christian Dark Ages

2009-04-08T15:50:00.001+03:00

The Best C.V Ever

2009-04-07T15:23:00.001+03:00

General Motors HelpLine

2009-04-04T02:37:00.001+03:00

General Motors doesn’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars the way they buy computers - but imagine if they did…

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”

HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?”

CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”

HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”

CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

——–
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”

HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”

CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”

HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”

CUSTOMER: “I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’.”

HELPLINE: “You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’.

CUSTOMER: “No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’.

HELPLINE: “A ‘V’?!”

CUSTOMER: “Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed
by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ …”

HELPLINE: “No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about.”

CUSTOMER: “That steering wheel thingy — Is that the round thing that honks the horn?”

HELPLINE: “Yes, among other things.”

CUSTOMER: “The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”

HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”

CUSTOMER: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”
——–
HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Your cars suck!”

HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”

CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”

HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”

CUSTOMER: “I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed and now it won’t even start up!”

HELPLINE: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.”

CUSTOMER: “Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did - now the damn thing’s crashed.”

HELPLINE: “Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?”

CUSTOMER: “What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!”

HELPLINE: “Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?”

CUSTOMER: “How do you do THAT?”

HELPLINE: “You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.”

CUSTOMER: “Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.”

HELPLINE: “Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?”

CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!”

——–

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose a GM because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”

HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”

CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”

CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”

HELPLINE: “Do you know how to DRIVE?”

CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

Actual projections

2009-03-09T16:06:00.000+02:00

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." ~~~ Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." ~~~ Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." ~~~ The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" ~~~ Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." ~~~ Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." ~~~ Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" ~~~ David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." ~~~ A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" ~~~ H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." ~~~ Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." ~~~ Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." ~~~ Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." ~~~ Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." ~~~ Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" ~~~ Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." ~~~ 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." ~~~ Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." ~~~ Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." ~~~ Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." ~~~ Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." ~~~ Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". ~~~ Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". ~~~ Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." ~~~ Bill Gates, 1981

Police, law enforcement comedy

2009-03-08T15:08:00.001+02:00

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................
AND THE WINNER IS ...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."