the noisy kitchen

2008-07-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

I keep a journal at dA but i delete them quite often. however, I want these to stick around:

This is what you get with me II
Journal Entry: Tue Jul 15, 2008, 11:07 PM
Listening to: Ours -- "Ran Away To Tell the World"

A few months ago, some fuckhead who used to be a less-than-casual friend (I met him here but we were not close friends) left a astoundingly stupid and thoughtless comment on one of my pieces of prose. He basically accused me of writing about incest. I instantly cut ties with him because I don't want someone like that in my life. He thought I was mad at him because he didn't have an orgasm over the piece I wrote and that if I wasn't mature enough to handle criticism, I shouldn't post my work here. Right. Like I was so torn up when he deleted me from his Myspace. What am I, 14? Trick, please.

Anyway, tonight this douche text messages me asking to get together to patch things up. I have no idea why. I told him it was too late. I don't want someone that incredibly dense and stupid in my life. I don't want someone who would think I would write about incest in my life. I don't want someone who needs the painfully obvious drawn out for him in crayons in my life.

Forgive and forget? I don't roll like that, I'm not a sucker wearing rose-colored glasses. I mean, why should I reward him with my friendship? Yeah, I said "reward", sue me for having high self-esteem. I don't need losers who don't understand me as friends. I can't even imagine what his motivation for getting in touch with me was, anyway. When I say friends aren't important in my life, THIS is why. People do this to me. It is bullshit. The few friends I do have, I do appreciate. I am leery of making friends because I get fucked over. They say one thing and do another. They say "yeah, we'll get together" but never follow through. I don't even question why. I used to when I was younger; I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me but then I realized I wasn't the flake, I was the one with my heart in the right place. So now I come to accept the flakiness and I don't get my hopes up. It makes things a lot easier for me and I don't feel disappointment in people anymore because I don't expect anything good from them.

This motherfucker is a huge reason why I haven't submitted any writing since Mistaken Stacy. The piece Two Shells is the tripe I produce when I force myself to write. He really did a number on me and I hate him for it and I'm incredibly pissed off at myself for letting him get to me but damn -- when someone royally misses the point of what I create when the point is very clear, I get a little miffed. If there is a lesson to take from this, I don't mince words. I don't have time for it. I say what I mean and I mean what I say at all times so when someone doesn't understand me, I think it's safe to assume (for once) that they're stupid, STUPID human beings.

tl;dr -- I am not complicated.

I also donated $200 to the Las Vegas Rescue Mission tonight. I don't have anything better to spend my money on.

kickass update
all of you who wrote with your comments cheered me up a lot. i'm not one of those people who fishes for compliments and needs others to build up my self-esteem -- i just had to get some shit off my chest so i can get over it and you guys are the shit of all time. consider your bad selves hugged. you guys are the real deal and you are what is kick ass about this community. too bad it's on the net, fuck!

i am totally inspired. i fully believe that every day is another chance to be badass and kick ass in whatever you do that makes you who you are. with that in mind, i hope i don't let you booties down with my retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. it has been in the planning stages for a while and i think about it every day, even if i don't do anything about it. i've never been the kind of writer who can put something aside while i work on something else.

my ass will be back in the saddle soon. if not, then i am no better than the piece of shit flake losers that i took issue with above and i say fuck you to that.

I am such trash II
Journal Entry: Wed Jul 9, 2008, 11:27 PM
Watching: E

I know it, I accept it and goddamnit, I like it.

The first episode of "I Love Money" was on VH-1 tonight. If Hugh Jackman was standing in front of me with a RAGING erection and I had to choose between watching that show and riding him like he's Seabiscuit, he'd have to wait until the credits rolled.

That show is the crackiest show on television. I can't get enough.

more trash
Speaking of crack, which I would be less ashamed of admitting that I like, Criss Angel's Luxor show is starting in the Fall of this year. He is the skankiest skank that ever skanked his way to this skank-hole of a town. His show has been off the air for a few months but it's on tonight to get people to remember him and that he's going to be at one of the sexiest hotels here.

/I am so waiting for one of his street tricks to not backfire on him but make him puke in front of everyone -- that would be hot as hell

Anyway, I have no idea what it is about these skanky dudes that I have such wood for. Of course, Nikki Sixx is the godfather of all man-skanks and Criss Angel is more like his niece (and Stephen Pearcy, the singer from RATT -- whoa, that dirty ass is aging well. he's more of a slimy trash than skanky trash, though). The fact that we both live in Vegas makes this joint not seem so terribly rotten. I ought to sign up at his site for clues as to where he's filming in town so I can see his nasty ass in person. One of the reasons I wanted to get a job cooking at the Luxor was because of him. I mean, why take this seriously? It's so ludicrous.

He's such hot shit. I know he's probably got radioactive crabs with herpes that would kill a hundred toddlers but still! I would wreck it!

Ours show cancelled
Journal Entry: Sat Jul 5, 2008, 8:21 PM
Listening to: Ours -- "Kill the Band"
Watching: WADD: The Life and Times of John C. Holmes

At least it was Jimmy Gnecco who told me and not some douche who works at the Hard Rock.

I saw someone who looked like him sitting at a slot machine like any gambling scuzzbag (yours truly included) and I walked past thinking

why the F would Jimmy Gnecco be feeding a machine

and kept on but then I said to myself

I can't pass this up

so I went up to him carefully, not to tax him (he is a vegan and no bigger than Prince) and asked if he was Jimmy and I bent down to talk to him and told him that I remember the first time I saw him here last February and how he said he wanted to come to Vegas more often and that this would have been the third time I would have seen him and that he's a man of his word and that is so honorable and then he held out his arms and I got a hug.

he held out HIS arms to me. i didn't ask for a hug. he gave of himself. when i spoke, he looked at me (he wasn't playing his game or acting distracted). i was shaking so much it was embarrassing. he's just a man. he takes a shit every day like we all do. he is a delicate tulip on the outside but all the world's thunderstorms, hurricanes and tornadoes are in his voice.

then he said

the show's been cancelled

and that sucked but I'm sure they'll be back. hell, i didn't even know up until a week and a half ago that they were going to be here and it sucks for the band that the club management and their own management couldn't tell them that the show was cancelled (the place isn't quite finished being built, it's that brand new). lame. unprofessional. oh well. i got a hug from him and got to tell him again how fucking badass he is. there's nothing that can beat that February show where i sat at his feet for an hour, listening to him play. oh yeah, and meeting him then, too.

the REAL travesty is that there was another band playing Poolside at the Hard Rock tonight: Good GODDAMNED Charlotte. that's like salt, lemon and jizz in the wound, man. that shit hurts.

It's Ours Week!
Journal Entry: Thu Jul 3, 2008, 4:10 AM
Listening to: Ours -- "Kill the Band"
Playing: with my toes

Sunday, 6-29-08
I'm incredibly excited to see them, I can barely contain myself. They are on tour until August and their tickets are always cheap (I've seen them for as low as $5 and their show Saturday is $12) and so if they are coming to your neck of the woods, see them.

[link] = tour dates
[link] = fansite with downloads

I will be changing my sig on a too-frequently for sense basis because I am 100% retarded and a huge fan of Jimmy Gnecco and his band. It blows me away that a voice like that comes from a man who is so slight in physical stature that even I could beat him up. He's a vegan; I could take him. I think he's the only vegan I don't fucking hate. And, lyrically speaking, he makes Trent Reznor seem well-adjusted and happy.

Monday, June 30
They have four albums, three of which I have and their first one, Sour, I might never find. The others, Distorted Lullabies (2001), Precious (2002) and Mercy (Dancing for the Death of an Imaginary Enemy -- 2008) are fantastic. Of the three, Distorted Lullabies is my favorite because each and every song on that joint is phenomenal. As much as I'm enjoying Mercy, I only like half the songs, but those six songs destroy me.

I am excited to see that some of you cats are interested in this band; that means a lot to me. I like being able to share really awesome music with others. In no particular order, here are a few songs I would recommend if you don't know where to start (judging on music, lyrics and vocal work):

Broken (the first song I heard from them)
Dizzy
Meet Me in the Tower
Saint
Murder
Sometimes (a song I consider 99.5% perfect: [link])
Fallen Souls
Ran Away to Tell the World
Miseryhead

I remember the first time I heard "Miseryhead". I've never heard a song like this one in my life. I was with PJ in his Element going somewhere and I was still getting acquainted with this band and the song came on and I was listening really hard to the chorus:

This is the sound of my miseryhead
Choke on the taste of my miseryhead
Dance to the words of my miseryhead
This is the sound of my miseryhead

And I said to PJ

Did he say "This is the sound of my miseryhead"?

and he's all

yeah

I thought Chris Cornell was an crazy fucking lyricist (don't even get me started on that motherfucker -- I've devoted half my life to studying him musically/lyrically). I once thought he had some competition with Jimmy Gnecco but then I found out they've already collaborated on some shit.

On some of Gnecco's vocals, they are enhanced with effects, especially when he's climbing up in the falsetto range. Of course, when you see him/hear him live, he really does sound the way he sounds -- I've never seen a band that sounds better live than they do on a polished album, especially one RIC GODDAMN RUBIN produced. When I heard that fucker was behind Mercy, that made me crave it even more.

Oh yeah, go to YouTube and type in Jimmy Gnecco and you'll get concert footage to see/hear for yourself.

Thursday, July 3
I don't have anything to wear to this show. I don't have Las Vegas party clothes because I'm not a skank. I don't have anything I can wear at 7:00 at night when it's still 105F outside and no AC in my car. I will either sweat my ass through something made out of cotton or I will have sweat running down my legs so no skirts. I'm thinking black wifebeater, jeans and boots. I wonder if I have any of that stuff.

Girls Gone Wild, meet your competition.
Journal Entry: Sun Jun 29, 2008, 2:49 AM

"Guys Gone Wild"

Joe Francis must owe a shit-ton of money to some really shady motherfuckers.

There is a giant cicada outside my door on my patio that must weight 10 lbs and be pure stainless steel. And on the mic. I have never heard a fucking bug be so loud in my life, even when I used to camp in Kerrville and sleep amongst them. Back then, it was nice and melodic. Here, I'm picturing a T-1000 cicada. He is L-O-U-D and metallic-sounding.

I am very excited about going to see Ours on Saturday. I did ask for it off but I will be working in the morning so that is good for me not having to give up a day's pay.

My homeboy at work is so stupid. We were talking about opening a restaurant called "Come". We laughed about that all night long.

Timmy: Where are you going to dinner tonight, Susie?
Susie: I'm going to Come!

We are retards. We have to sometimes go have a time-out in the walk-in and we stay there until we're no longer retarded. Work is fun. I am so lucky I get to do this for a living.

I think the last thing I want to bake before it gets too damn hot to use the kitchen to do anything but get ice or a beer is a Granny Smith-Sweet Cherry crisp. That sounds so awesome to me. 109, however, doesn't. And it's barely July in a couple of days. It's going to be so much worse for so much longer. Oh well.

Good things are on the way.

2008-03-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

like i said, i've been at deviant art.

i've written either five or seven pieces in the last six weeks. i got a good job that's close to the house with people who aren't flaming assholes.

i have no drama. even my dreams are returning to normal -- trying to corral kittens into the car and making out with Johnny Knoxville.

2008-02-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

Back at dA. Still not working through no fault of my own. Hopefully I will have a job by this weekend but I'm not holding my breath.

2008-01-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

Here comes the part in my life where I contemplate deviantArt again. that stupid website. as if i need something else to ~~waste~~ occupy my time. there was a link at another website i obsessively frequent that led me to reminisce a little bit. i gave up on DA a couple of years ago because the emotional maturity level at that site is generally around 7th grade and that gets old real fast. i wouldn't keep my original page, i'd rather start fresh with a new name and clog up their site even more. i have at least 70+ deviations on there now and just DON'T feel like deleting them all

/now that i've said it, i probably will

i did like that site, there's some good stuff there and the people who aren't complete and total asshats are fairly human. i just think i'd prefer a new start with it. i have about eight story ideas that i wouldn't mind having up there and "reissuing" some of my favorite photos. we'll see, it's not like i have anything better to do until i start flipping burgers somewhere.

2008-01-24T12:42:00.000-08:00

I put out about 13 applications out into the atmosphere yesterday, all to some real ghetto-ass places. On my side of town, the Orleans is straight-up ghetto but they have hockey there so that's a good thing. I just needed to get myself out there in some sort of way. jobs are starting to dry up here. i don't want to go back to medical offices but i will if i have to. it's not like i'll forget how to cook or anything.

i started doing my pilates dvds again this morning. i actually slept through the night (aside from a break to watch the Levi episode of Project Runway -- lulz! what a great show. i love it) and woke up and finally decided to put the dvd in and get on the floor. i feel like i have to force myself to do this but i have to do it or i will balloon up to 300 lbs and not know how i got there like most dumbass fatbodies do. i have a great dvd that has four episodes (abs, legs, ass and arms) divided into 15 minutes each and i can do whatever i want so i did abs and 15 minutes went by in about five so i think that was a good thing. i'm so out of shape; i'm glad that I've used pilates in the past with excellent results. it's just a matter of doing it and i'm fighting it all the way.

my brain is turning into pudding. if it was a flavor, it would probably be pistachio. but rotten and with that skin on top. maybe a fly, too.

i don't want to cook in my house anymore. those fucking oranges i bought at the beginning of the month, that 36-count case... i have about 16 left. pathetic. i had so much hope for the beginning of the year and it is gone now. i wish i knew what was wrong with me because this shit's getting old. i shouldn't have to force myself to exist.

2008-01-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

I saw something at a internet networking website today that totally made me feel better. I wasn't surprised when I saw what I saw and I don't feel bad that what I saw is happening. I'm not comfortable saying what I saw (to protect the guilty -- remember, my justice is long and hard) but alls i can say about it is

YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DESERVE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING

which is fucked in the ass. this is where i laugh out loud.

lol.

I'm still reading Marco Pierre White's book (i need to get the others but it's taken me like three months to get through this one because i'm a lazy shit) and there was a part where he quotes Brillat-Savarin:

To know how to eat well, one must first know how to wait

And he's not talking about waiting tables.

This is absolutely correct. I've mentioned twice in the last month my opinion on waiting for food when you're at a restaurant. If you want your food in two minutes, go to Wendy's. Otherwise, STFU and wait for your food and don't be a fucking prick about it.

I want that quote as my next tattoo. How hot would that be.

This ties in to the wonderful news i read at that website in the following way -- patience is truly a virtue. if you don't have it, you're fucked and your fuckedtedness will manifest itself in ways that will really ruin your day. What's worse is you have no one to blame but yourself but if you're so wrapped up in blaming others for your tantrums, you'll never learn and then what? Go off and die somewhere? Maybe, if the rest of us are lucky. That said, I think I have come to the definitive conclusion that I don't want to work in fine dining if I have to work with diva bitches for bosses. I would rather flip burgers at the K-burger joint (again, no names to protect the guilty -- i might work for them soon, you never know) by the house than get bitched at for not hurrying to serve some dumb shit to one of the two tables that have people sitting at them. I can understand turning the spurs on when we're nuts to butts on the floor but if it's a Tuesday and there's no one in the joint, chill the fuck out, bitch.

learn how to wait. enjoy your coffee or your cocktail or your wine, your food will be out soon. enjoy the down time at the stove while you can because there may come a day when you are weeded like fuck and will wish for those down times again.

At the first restaurant i worked in Austin, it was fine dining and the two chef-owners were the nicest people I could ever hope to meet, let alone work for. they cared about their staff, no one ever yelled at me (and i was a sorry n00b, too), they had terrific senses of humor and i learned a lot. well, the head waiter yelled at me once and it's actually one of my favorite stories (i might tell it someday). i will never forget any of them, ever. It was/is a place (it's still there) that, when you go in to eat, you just better plan on not leaving for a minimum of two hours. You also better plan on being spoiled by their crew. the chef-owners were not diva bitches, everyone did their job, no one complained about anything. they were doing something right. they were never hurting for staff. they were the premiere externship to get in school. when i got it, i'd been in school i think three weeks and had no idea what the restaurant was, what they served, or what to expect. when i told one of the girls who was in the course a semester ahead of me, she was jealous as hell but i didn't understand why. i didn't care, either; i thought it was funny. bitch didn't even know me.

i wouldn't turn down an offer to work at a fine dining joint if the chef wasn't a diva bitch. i am a firm believer in not being an asshole and leading by example and if you're a diva bitch, i'm not going to stay. you'll be damn lucky if you can keep a crew. i have had to manage a crew before and i know how to get them to work without treating them like they are stupid bastards. i have no problem with calling the guys "ladies" or telling them to "hurry up now, let's go, this is supposed to be fun, remember?" or stuff like that, but to cuss them out is not right. i know that when i was on the middle (we had a middle but technically, most would call it the passe), i praised my crew more than i had to motivate them to do ther jobs. i said please and thank you and that kicks ass and i would buy them all their staff beer at the end of the night and i'd let the dudes who didn't want to be there go and the dudes who needed to stay, stay. i actually got to know the people i worked with and didn't treat them the same. why?

because no two people are the same. some need different styles of management than others. i'm not going to let someone who is hungover as fuck stay and fuck up during the rush work and let someone who can't pay their electric bill this month go just to be an asshole -- who will i get the better work out of? someone who has to run outside to puke every ten minutes? i don't think so.

they may not have liked me at the second austin joint but those fuckers worked when i told them to and they never bitched once. that was because i never treated them like they were beneath me. i will never forget that we're all new at some point and need help from time to time. what you do is be empathetic and you help. you don't set someone up to fail or look like a shithead.

so eat it, you losers; you earned it.

2008-01-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

This is the worse irony ever. Seriously, that's not even funny. I bet Fark could make fun of it all day and all night, though.

The reason the media isn't talking about this is so GM food can be snuck into our food supply on the DL so we'll be eating it and not know it. I never thought about vegetarianism before and I actually have big-time disdain for vegetarians and vegans, mostly because their reasons are politically motivated (and they lie about it), but this would turn me on the principle that it goes against God. God made animals FUCK to reproduce and humans have no right to mess with that. it's so wrong, it's beyond words. I read a CNN article that said organic meat wouldn't be derived from a cloned animal, so there's that, but the whole idea that cloned meat would be on the market and no one either knows or gives a shit is just horrifying. Yes -- I'm talking about meat, not the GM feed the meat is eating because you know what... I've never heard of MAD SOYBEAN DISEASE that destroys your brain.

2008-01-19T06:39:00.000-08:00

i basically spent this whole week in bed, barely eating, barely drinking, just watching tv and feeling dead. i do feel dead. i am not used to this. i recall a commercial they used to show in Austin all the fucking time that was all

do you have the following symptoms:
sleeping too much
crying
feelings of worthlessness
feelings of hopelessness
losing interest in things you like to do

and back then i used to roll my eyes at that commercial but i'm not doing that now. all of the angst and irritation and helplessness i felt this week culminated in a 12-hour migraine yesterday.

for the record, this is not how i normally am and it's freaking me out because i don't know how to fix it. putting me on medication doesn't help (been there), therapy is too expensive. i've got my parents in the next rooms over but my god i've never felt so alone in my life. even when i was living on my own, i never felt so alone.

i have no interest in doing anything. right now, i don't give a shit if i cook again or not. all i want to do is go back to Texas but I need to double what's in my checking account before i can even think about doing that. i told my mom the other day i wanted to move back home and she didn't say anything. what is that about. i don't know if they're avoiding me or if they don't know how to help, either. what i need to do is tell my dad that i'm tired of his lack of communication and broken promises and exactly how disappointed i am in him for constantly getting my hopes up for the future with all these plans he's got but doing nothing about it. why doesn't he follow through with what he's promised?

he'd rather watch re-runs of the simpsons and futurama.

that is how much i mean to him. no wonder i want to bail.

since i can't count on him anymore, i have to light the fire under my own ass, somehow, to get the things done that he has no interest in doing (even though they were his idea). the thought of this makes me incredibly sick -- not lighting my own fire, but the other. and the thing he volunteered me for at his work, to do lunch catering that won't pay my bills and doesn't even start until probably April, isn't going to work because the man doesn't think: i will lose almost $2000 by agreeing to be the "corporate chef" at his work. i can not do that and work another job, not at the moment, anyway. he fucking volunteers me for that without even asking if i want to do it first and there's no guarantee it will actually work out. so annoying. there are things i can do to occupy my mind until i get work (i will probably start looking again in February). i just have to do it. but when doing nothing seems the most enjoyable, i feel doomed.

2008-01-15T06:15:00.000-08:00

If you are going through hell, keep going.
-- Winston Churchill: Statesman, Nobel Prize Winner, Sagittarius

This sucks and I swear I feel like John Cusack when he played a giant crybaby douche in High Fidelity and his "what does it all mean" trip... but my thing, man, i hope it's not like that. i don't think it is because i don't know if it's ME or if it's where I am. i am trying to analyze this on my own because no one else i know has been in my shoes. i know thousands of cooks have been in similar situations, obviously, but the only two cooks i know -- one just had a baby and isn't cooking anymore and the other is opening restaurants all over the country and i can't get in touch with her. i don't want sympathy and i don't even think i want advice. i just need to get through this. and i will talk about this as much as it takes until i find the answers. i'm not usually this neurotic. i wasn't back home.

I have said many times that i have a justice streak that is usually ten miles wide. that is why i can not and will not work for a diva chef. but when you're in that interview and they're telling you that they're team players and like creative minds and value communication only to see that less than a month later it was all lies... i'm gonna have a hell of a time burying these dumps on my resume and i don't want to waste the time. maybe it is too much for me to ask for someone who actually does care about what is important. i mean, when i read ads at CL of other people who've been to these Strip restaurants saying "This Celebrity Chef (one i particularly don't like) will only get you in to trail for the dinner rush and won't hire you anyway" -- i have to number one, wonder how anyone can have their name attached to that kind of behavior and two, how his restaurant can stay in business. i don't want to work for a celebrity chef down here, necessarily; it's not the reason i came down here. i came here for the opportunities and they really are anywhere. I like the fact that fucked over BOH workers are taking care of their own by placing these ads and I definitely know I could do the same but Karma's a bitch and if a place is going to fail because of shitty management, i'd rather them fail on their own than me be a cause of it -- i sure as shit wouldn't waste my time putting in a resume at any place that's getting bad notes like that.

i'm all for justice but i'm still so dumb and naive and optimistic that i do think there might be a place for me here. and then it'll get shut down. i said earlier that it's ironic that i have no luck, well -- i do. all bad.

anyway, i anticipate long and incredibly boring analysis of my future, at least my location. i don't think i've made a mistake by getting into this field and wish i'd never done it, not at all. i just don't think Las Vegas is the place for me. it goes against so much that i stand for and i think that is why, much like when i was in Salt Lake, felt like i was dying a little bit every day with no end in sight. but in Salt Lake, I did see the light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn't a train. it was school, it was my eventual move back to Texas. there was a plan. here, there is no plan and i think that is what bothers me the most. all i'm doing here, for the foreseeable future, is spinning my wheels and hopping from dump to dump until i find one that i fit with best.

being a diva chef is not the way to be. no one respects you only you're too full of your own ego and self-importance to notice. diva chefs are jokes. they're bullies. did anyone respect the school bully back a million years ago when you were in junior high or high school? fuck no. did you want to hang around them and be their friend? no. the diva chef can not last without a crew. they can not work every station on a 120-cover night (lulz -- they thought that was a lot! losers. i used to do 120 with like, me and two other dudes and we'd be bored as shit). Marco Pierre White had something really awesome to say about this but in a different way; no one can give the same quality of service on a 60-cover night vs a 120-cover night. if you have enough crew, you can. but if it's you and your two sous chefs because the rest of your crew bailed because you're a fucking asshole, you have no one to blame but yourself. only the diva chef never will. they are incapable. i can see him thinking about the crew who just bailed on him saying, "who needs them." You do, dumbshit!

i think that many steps need to be taken to destroy the idea that a chef has to be a diva bitch in order to get their crew to work. apparently, that image is still prevalent. if you think the way to get the best out of your crew is to be a royal fucking asshole to them because that's how it was for you when you were coming up KNOWING how much it sucked but do it anyway, then you are failing your crew.

i don't know when i will venture back to a kitchen here -- i have things on my plate that i want to work on but finances don't really allow, which is something else i'm working on... i don't know what it's going to take to motivate me. this is where i need my dad right now but i can't talk to him to get the lead out because well, he's a diva bitch, too. i'm less afraid to talk to a diva bitch chef that way than to the man who gave me life.

i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. in order to not be reminded of it i hide in bed all day and sleep, fuck up my Circadian Rhythms and let life pass me by. at the moment, it seems a lot more reasonable than banging my head against that fuckin' rock.

2008-01-14T21:54:00.000-08:00

made another apple pie using 4-day old dough

at least now i know why the crust slides down the pan. it's old. i used it anyway because i had to do something today other than spend it in bed under the covers.

i wrote something the other day and i don't have the energy to read it. i know what i wrote and that one thing is bothering me but i can't do anything about it. i can't say the things i want to because i don't want to put them into action by putting them out there, which is what would happen.

i hate it here. i am trapped, i am stuck and i want out. there are people who have no experience in this industry opening restaurants like they're opening a beer and make it seem so easy. their ignorance is their secret. but what they are doing, as i see it, is trivializing what i have been working for and wanting. it's like they woke up one day and thought it would be fun to open a restaurant and that it's no big deal, just like going to the dentist and getting a tooth pulled or getting their car washed. no big deal, it's just a restaurant, what's the problem? i'd give anything to not know anything and just do it like i don't care if i fail or not. that is freedom that i don't think i will ever experience.

i can not fully measure my frustration and annoyance at myself right now, let alone how ashamed i feel on a now daily basis. that, coupled with being in the most perfectly wrongest place on the planet to hope to have a dream or a whisper of luck (ironic, considering I'm a Sagittarius), makes breathing seem a little pointless right now.

i'd give anything to be in the Hill Country right now. there's no place like home. i've got to go back but i don't feel like i'm going to get there any time soon, not even by 2010 like i want. by that point, i know i will stop giving a damn and won't care if i have to live in my car as long as i'm back in Texas. Texas is very forgiving to their natives... that and the natives care about the right things, like people before money and fame.

i hate it here more than i thought i would and i don't know what will happen to shake it. i don't want to feel this way but i don't see a way for it to stop. how much more time am i going to waste before i absolutely give up. i'm reminded of the chorus "Sometimes" by Ours:

i'll give up on the world
i'll give up on the greed
i'll give up on the ones
who give up on me

i can't even listen to that song anymore.

whatever. i'm a retard. i'm giving up shit i don't even have. what kind of asshole does that.

2008-01-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday: made crepes with cinnamon-apples
Friday: made another signature pie that I can't talk about

Yeah, less than two weeks in and i'm throwing in the towel. All I want to do is hide these days. Life blows in the desert right now. I'm in the tunnel again. Not a fun place to be. I just don't know what it will take for me to find the motivation to do anything but play Neopets and sleep. And make the occasional pie. I don't want to have to be hit by a damn car to be shown how short and "precious" life is. I know that already. I just don't care right now. It's hard to care when your environment seems so uncaring. I don't need a cheerleader for me to live my life but i don't know what i do need. it's very frustrating.

my dad doesn't listen to me anymore. at all. it makes me wonder if he's going senile or if he just doesn't give a fuck about me now. i never thought i'd pray for senility.

and those shit-eaters from that last restaurant i worked at called me again on Wednesday. the next time they do that, i swear to god i will totally regulate. i'll pick up the phone and go

stop fucking calling me, you jerk-offs

and hang up on them. they have no reason to call, i got my last check. don't you think that if i didn't get my check, i'd be up their ass? and if they REALLY had something important to say, they'd call the house phone. i can not believe how stupid they are. it's agonizing. i don't owe them shit because they didn't give me anything so fuck them.

since the new year started, i've been thinking about my life as a cook and eventual life as chef/restaurateur. as a human being, i consider myself quite self-actualized. as a person in this widely varied field, i only have a vague idea. it's something i like thinking about because it will give me insight as to where i should end up. i think it had a lot to do with a conversation I had with Derrick when I was at that restaurant where he made it seem like if you weren't a cook in a fine-dining establishment, you were wasting your time as a cook. that bothered me immensely. i thought it was so pretentious and insulting, insulting to those who make breakfast at breakneck speed, those who knock out lunch and to those who provide good, honest dinners to those who want to have some food on their plate instead of a Picasso piece that they're going to pay $30 for. not everyone wants sweetbreads and foie gras all the time, sometimes they want a burger and fries. They want a nice rack of ribs with coleslaw and beans. they want pizza. Those cooks aren't wasting their time, they are providing the public with what they want. how is that a bad thing?

so i think about the food i like and what i'm comfortable doing. i can work at a medium pace and i can turn into an octopus. speed shouldn't necessarily be a primary issue when it comes to cooking but it does have to be considered. Making someone's food superfast because you have someone barking at you to be superfast can lead to something being made wrong which leads to waste. it's got to be right the first time and i'd rather someone take 10-15 minutes to make my food to order instead of sending it out in five minutes thinking I'm in some big-ass hurry and it be wrong and I have to either send it back because it looks inedible or it's not hot. then i have to wait longer. i'm not happy and now the cooks think there's a bitch in the dining room and i'm ruining their day. i don't want that and i know they don't either.

i am not a perfectionist. i never have been. i believe in doing your best and coming as damn near close to perfect as you can but it you don't hit it, it's no big deal. fine-dining joints are usually obsessed with perfection. i've come to the conclusion that perhaps i'm not cut out for a fine-dining restaurant. should that bother me? i can do the work, i can do anything with the proper training. but sometimes i feel importance is misplaced. yeah, it tastes good and looks awesome but is it satisfying? if it isn't, then something is wrong.

2008-01-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

Worked on menu ideas

I knew that writing down my daily productive activities would cause problems. I called it when I decided to do it. I don't think I did anything yesterday (but I've had a little voddy tonight) but tonight, I had every intention of making my world famous Chile Verde but the peppers, after roasting them in the oven, smelled like grape leaves so I couldn't use them. I was bummed. I'll find another use for the 2 pounds of pork I cooked off for it.

I'm excited like crazy about this catering I'm going to be doing for my dad's office. The OM trusts me enough with what I can do so I don't have to bring samples or run anything past her, all I have to do is bring a shit-ton of ideas and run them by. I'm not going to have set menus, as it were -- it'll be more like "pick an app (soup OR salad), pick an entree, pick a dessert" because I know that if I had set menus, all i'd hear is

well, we want this soup but we want it with this entree and instead of this dessert, can we have this one instead?

and i'd rather just have them pick instead of nitpick. I will be coming up with theme menus, either based on a single ingredient or region. i'm going to be doing as much from scratch as i can, even bread and potato chips. i think my favorite theme meal so far is my high end "Whimsy" menu:

Fluffernutters (with homemade white bread, homemade peanut butter and homemade marshmallow)
Organic carrot-raisin salad with creme fraiche
Homemade potato chips
Organic root beer floats with homemade ice cream

I'm glad I'm being pimped out to do lunch -- it takes pressure off. I mean, I can still make a badass lunch but it doesn't have to be Strip Food and it doesn't have to be Subway or barbeque. When I was working in medical offices and our lunches would be catered (this would happen once or twice a week sometimes), it would always be either Subway or BBQ. It would be those two options so much that people would actually bitch about it. I'd be all

stfu, you're getting lunch for free, asshole

i'd like to do something a little different. so i'm making a lot of menu options (even some vegan and vegetarian options) so the OM over there has a lot to choose from. i've got to get special catering equipment, i've got a ton of questions to ask her... it will be fun. i'm looking forward to it and I wonder if this could happen sooner than the end of March/first part of April. I think if I get a meeting with her by next week, it might. I just don't know how many clients they get and how often. this will be good experience and a fun thing to do but can i pay bills with it? i guess that's really up to me, isn't it?

Boo to Project Runway for kicking Kevin off. I honestly can't believe Christian is still on the show but they're not ready for him to go yet. His tarty mouth is still required. So my top three are (I can't remember if they've changed from last week or not) Rami for the win with Jillian and Victorya lagging behind. Chris for fourth place and that little spitfire Christian fifth. I think those top three are the only ones who would have the vision for a full collection. Everyone else, not by a damn sight.

Time to have some Paul Bocuse and Julia Child time.

2008-01-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

Made roasted red bell pepper soup
Made apple pie

I pretty much wrote off yesterday -- some days you just gotta hide under the covers and have really dirty dreams about Nikki Sixx. I would hardly consider than an accomplishment, though highly enjoyable.

My dad has turned me out to his office. I apparently am now the Corporate Consulting Chef (or whatevs) for his company. What I will be doing is mostly supplying lunches when they have meeting with clients -- I can't see it ever being for more than 10 people, so this is no big deal. Plus they provide everything, I just have to cook it all and get it over there. It's actually kind of nice this kind of faith they have in me but I would have liked him to discuss it with me first. Great; it's not like I have a lot of shit on my mind already, now I have to devise menus (i'm thinking it will be a "pick an app/soup, entree and dessert from column A, B and C" instead of anything set so I don't have to deal with lots of whining). I have until March to think of stuff so it's really not that bad. Also gives me time to practice. I'm totally doing a sausage wrap at one point with beans and coleslaw.

/damn, that sounds really good right now. i love sausage

But today I made my roasted red bell pepper soup (10 peppers for $10 -- THIS is why so much of America is obese*, guys -- healthy food, whose healthfulness is doubtful, costs so fucking much. make the connection, already), deposited my last check from that joke of a restaurant (I'm so glad it didn't have to come to blows because I totally thought it would), went to the market and might do some more baking tonight (bread and apple pie -- still contemplating that). i still feel incredibly fatigued and just can't shake it. i could just take a Midol and drink a Monster and then be up for 36 hours straight but that doesn't sound like much fun right now. it strikes me as funny as how two legal substances can wire me up like i got wired and tweaked out so many years ago. i was having a talk with a new friend about this and yeah, i talked about it a little around my birthday but yeah -- i've been sober for eight years now. i never thought i'd say something like that, i never thought i'd be an addict. i still have a drink every once in a while but knowing what i did in the past and what it feels like, i know what addiction is and i know when enough is enough. i don't regret that time i was tweaked out and coked up, smoking grass like i was getting paid for it, eating any and all pills that came along and chasing it with red wine, i was pretty much the same person, just "enhanced". i mean, the early 20s are a time to test your body's limits. some people use drugs, others fuck everyone who crosses their path, others climb mountains, others jump out of planes. some let it all pass them by and think they're doing it right while the rest of us are doing it wrong, whatever that means. and while i might not be having the most fun of my life now, at least i'm not poisoning myself on a daily basis and paying for the privilege to do so. i'm a temple, maybe a little broke-down, but i'm a lot better than i once was. and knowing what i went through then, i'm old enough and smart enough to know that those days will never be repeated. even in this industry when whatever you want is just a quick talk with the cook standing next to you, the idea of getting dirty again does not appeal. those times were fun but they were also really dark. i'm over it.

okay, enough of the heavy -- i think i'll go watch Blazing Saddles.

*5'2", 115 lbs, for the record

2008-01-06T18:27:00.001-08:00

Made some awesome chocolate cream pie

That's all I've done today but I've only been up for three hours. I hate sleeping the day away but when I try to manage my sleep cycle, I make it worse. I should just go with it but when I do get up at nine in the morning, I still fuck around until noon anyway so who cares. I'm going to study some more tonight and probably make a lot of bread tomorrow. Maybe go buy some Galas or Fujis or Granny Smiths, too.

2008-01-05T20:53:00.001-08:00

Made more pie dough
Made chocolate* pastry cream
Brainstormed filling ideas
Studied basic concepts involving marketing

* I am in love with Trader Joe's "Pound Plus" bars. 76%-cocoa content Belgian chocolate, 17.6 oz for four bucks. What up.

2008-01-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

Built six new prototypes
Worked on proposal
Made the cake pictured below

I am digging these oranges. Everything about this cake was extremely light. I was pleasantly surprised. I'd make it again.

I'm feeling the need to buy some more short ribs and have a kind of cara cara glaze on them with maybe some blintzes with the little creme fraiche I have leftover and some salad with perhaps an orange-pecan vinny. I doubt I will because I can't see myself spending money for things I don't really need -- when I'm not working I put myself on what my parents call (as they've done it and it's where I got the term) an "austerity program"; i spend money on exactly what I need and not on anything frivolous unless I am going stark-raving crazy-ass bored and need something that is at least new to me. I am quite good at this, seeing as I'm a cheap bitch to begin with. what really bites is my car's insurance, smog check and registration renewal all happen this month. $250.

money ruins everything.

i think i want to start designing my own templates again.

The weather sucks yet Summer will be here before i know it.

2008-01-03T19:48:00.000-08:00

Inserted a drunken size seven into my mouf
Made Cara Cara Marmalade

2008-01-03T02:24:00.000-08:00

I had such a good conversation with Leo tonight. He kicked me over a pretty innocuous message at myspace and i'm all

i feel like talking to that brother; i'ma call his ass

so i did and on the fourth or so try i got him and we talked for almost an hour and it was like old times. i miss that. our old times were so good, some of the best and hottest times i've had with a brother. i really miss him. he is such a good friend. he is one person who i feel is totally true blue, through good and bad. we had our bad but the good shines through more than the bad did. i feel i can count on him to be there like i can count on my folks and that is such an awesome feeling. it's so rare in my life. some of my other friends from way back when... not so much. but him -- yes. without a doubt. and that means so much. i don't know if he knows this or not because i'm not one to talk about such things.

i don't have many friends. and that sucks. i'm the kind of dork who holds on to one or two true blue cats as friends and the rest, the others i might meet along the journey are just bumps in the road. but Leo is different. there's something about him. i knew from the second I served him that giant-ass margarita at that shit-hole dive i was working at when i met him that i knew that my life would be changed.

/i just washed my face
//i don't want to cry about this but I know I'm going to, damn it

it's true. he and i were badass while we were together but when it ended, it was kind of awkward but we were still there for each other, we didn't sever all ties like i did with PJ but PJ was a stupid fuck who didn't deserve to have me in his life because he was a mindfucker. Leo and I had our issues but I mean, I was way young and so was he. we were still figuring it out. He was who he was just like I was who I was and sometimes I didn't feel like I was good enough for him but he STILL accepted me for me. I was 24-25 when we were together and at 33, I consider that young (he's five years older than me), but now I think we're a little more on the same page.

i really miss him now that i don't have him around. he is one of the Good Ones. when we were seeing each other, we had our fights, we had our time spent on the phone when cell phones were fucking hell of expensive when we'd sit there, waiting for one or the other to say something and neither of us did but just listen to each other breathe. i can remember those days like they happened last week. he and i are a lot, I mean a LOT alike, and while that was awesome, it was also difficult. God, he and I are so much alike. it's weird. we're strong and independant but also so incredibly sensitive. we're both VERY passionate people and, again, very independant and now that seven or so years has passed since we were together, these things, for me at least, are now coming into a laser-like focus. i wish i knew why.

i think i miss him more than i realize. he's one of those people that, if i lost everyone else who isn't blood, losing him would suck the worst. when i met up with him back in town when i moved back, i really wanted to make sure that we were still on good terms. i didn't think we were but we were. when I was in SLC, we'd talk on the phone but there was this phenomenon where on every third or fourth call, we'd have a huge fucking fight about something and not talk for weeks. but then one of us would get in touch and we'd be cool again. that's how good of a person he is. we would fight, yes, but we'd fight about the stupidest shit and that would irritiate me because I knew how stupid our fights would be. oh shit, we would fight about the STUPIDEST stuff, you don't even know. stupid like I'd say the sky is blue but he'd say it's red and we'd defend our cases until the bitter retarded end. I FUCKING HATED THAT SHIT. but we'd make up and everything would be kosher again. until the next fight and next make-up. that bothered me; i'm like, why do we fight about this retarded crap that doesn't mean shit? what makes us do that? our natures? perhaps. something out of our control.

if i had a best friend, he'd be it. maybe he is. i'd love for that to be the case. we all need best friends. it's been so long since i've had a best friend. since we are so alike, i feel like he understands me and i feel like i understand him. to be connected to another human like this is almost too much for me to bear.

and, if i might stray for a hot minute to be a superficial creep; oh my God -- he is gorgeous. he is absolutely stunning, perfect. I "akined" him to Michaelangelo's David. Body and face. This beautiful, passionate Italian I had the good fortune to spend time with. Clever and witty, this brother was. and don't even start me on the sex. just don't. it was fucking nuclear. he knows this.

i remember when we were seeing each other, we had such an amazing relationship. he and I are both fire signs (that is why I call him "Leo" -- that is not his real name, his real name is as unapologetically sexy as he is) and unbridled, unrepentant passion basically is what happens when two fire signs get together. Being fire signs, our relationship was very intense. I loved him to the core. Sometimes I think I still do. When I moved to SLC, something happened that made me swear off him for life, I can't remember what it was, but when I moved back to Austin, I had a VERY INTENSE need to reconnect with him. It was something I had to do. I was very worried that I wouldn't be able to. I don't remember, again, if I told him at the time that I was moving back to town but I found him and when we met back up, it was a very positive encounter. I was so happy to have him as a friend. I feel like he, more than anyone else I know, is meant to be in my life. what is that supposed to mean? I can BARELY handle writing this right now but I am so compelled to that I can't help myself.

/writing this is totally killing me right now but i feel it needs to be committed. i've just got to roll with this. it's 2008. look how long i've been living with this. almost 10 years. he has no idea about any of this.

i don't like to think of the reasons why we broke up. i know part of it was that i was a damn mess that he didn't know exactly how to deal with and i can't really say i blame him. we started dating in around March 1999 (i met him a year prior) and i was still seeing my ex who was a coke connect (and only seeing him for that -- i was clean from the speed but getting off coke took a little longer; i can count on one hand how many times i did blow when I was seeing Leo)... i got ripped-hammered-shitfaced on Halloween and i feel like that was the straw that broke his back... not that the brother is a camel or anything... and on Halloween 1999, i read Leo the riot act about how I felt he was too critical of me, but for some reason, we kept it together, just not "officially". we only dated for about six months and look at the effect it's had. from then until I moved to SLC in May 2000, our friendship seemed really strained. our sex was so fucking hot (you just don't fucking know and i'm not gonna tell -- alls i'll say is that two fire signs together leads to molten chocolate sex; it's our natures) that i was, as it now has a term, dickmatized (oh yes), and couldn't bear to not rock with that and when I'd try to get some play, he'd put me at arm's reach which was very frustrating. To this day, I don't know why he did that. When I moved, it really felt like a major rejection, seeing as there was an opportunity for "one for the road" was right in his face and he didn't cash in. and then it seemed like he was mad at me for leaving in general and not nailing me for old time's sake was a punishment. insert huge amounts of confusion and frustration.

he is someone who is supposed to be in my life and i can't handle it. what does that mean. someone please tell me. i can't live with this drama.

i can't write any more because it's just too fucking much right now. maybe when i was 24-25 I was unable to appreciate what he had to offer. i have no idea. at one point, i knew that he would just frustrate me to no end but it's different now. i wish i knew why. maybe it is the "we're both in our 30's thing". of all the long-term boyfriends i've had, he is the only one who is driving me to the point of tears like this. i can't breathe or see right now as i type this. i didn't know any man could invoke something like this from me. i didn't know it was possible. i don't know what it is about him. i have to know what this means. and in a way, it scares me, but not in a bad way, which freaks me out even more. i have no idea how i'm going to get to sleep tonight.

is this what true love is? i mean TRUE TRUE love? because it's way too much for me to bear but if it's with him, i welcome it 100%. Jesus, i'd hate to be wrong about this because i know there is no way i'd feel this way about anyone ever again. the man is an absolute original. i can't believe i've been brought to this; i had no idea anyone could bring this out of me. is he worth it? yes. our history tells me so.

i'm fucking exhausted.

2008-01-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

Made AB's Buttermilk biscuits
Worked on proposal information
Updated personal arsenal book (they're no longer recipes, hookers)

The two-week wait for Project Runway is, so far, not disappointing. that little tart Christian is KILLING me and omg -- Jillian is wearing goddamn rainbow suspenders! wtf is wrong with that Mork From Ork bitch? if i saw a designer wear that trash, i would run the other way, much like when i get shorn and the only cutter available has bad 80s hair. you just can't trust it. there's just no way.

and haven't these people figured out that this show is nothing but another mindfuck reality show? the only diff is that they're sewing and not cooking or living on a "deserted" island or trying to fuck Bret Michaels. the contestants who get on the show in season 6 BETTER figure out they better know how to sew men's clothing and make shit out of food or packing materials from UPS or they're fucked.

i love this show because they do things i can't armchair quarterback on. fuck Top Chef, that show can get bent. the last thing i want to do is watch a room full of goddamned primadonna no-talent dumbshits think they're the shit of all time. i will say it until my dying day, I don't have TIME for that crap, not even an hour to spend watching it on tv.

At press time, I'm calling Rami for the win with Kevin and probably Jillian (if she doesn't eff up tonight and if it's not her, then Victorya) rounding out the top three. Christian won't make it past 5th or 6th. Dark horse sleeper might be Chris March or Elisa if she doesn't blow it tonight.

/what an ending!

And damn, were Elisa's boots hot as fuck or what?
//next week sounds boring

2008-01-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

Had pie for breakfast. I get it out of the fridge and someone had already cut a slice first! I thought that was cute, and I did wake up at one, so I can hardly talk shit. Pie is meant to be eaten.

It was amazing. I don't know if it had to do with the addition of the secret ingredient or if I just mixed it better than I did with the first one but it is definitely a keeper. Buttermilk pie is so southern. I'd serve it in a heartbeat anywhere.

And then... It's January 2nd, and you know what that means:

Yeah, I bought a case. So what. You would have, too -- you just don't understand these oranges. I'm thinking Cara Cara Marmalade. That should be fun. I haven't done a photoblog of anything I've made in a while so I might do one for that.

2008-01-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

Made whole-wheat therapy buns
Made another buttermilk pie but used a secret ingredient instead
Had lengthy meeting about invention with dad

Perhaps a way for me to motivate myself to do anything is to write down what I do each day. And it doesn't matter what I do as long as it is something that will improve myself (anything from baking to reading to crafting or anything aside from sleeping and/or watching reality TV marathons). That way when I do nothing and feel like a lazy jerk, I will improve the next day. This is the theory, at least. So I will start each new day with my list in bold. At the end of the year, I will add it all up and see if I accomplished a GD thing.

I plan on, when the pie comes out of the oven, to temper chocolate on the truffles I made the other day. I need to get those done. My dad's boss gave my mom and me a nice Christmas basket of fun goodies so I feel I should reciprocate in some way and the man is a truffle hound so that ought to do the job.

We went to our favorite gaming bar and grill yesterday for dinner and I had my first Philly Cheesesteak in at least a year. When we were waiting for our food (they ordered burgers), about three minutes before we got our food, I started thinking

I know how long it takes to make an order like this in a dead-ass restaurant, so what the fuck

but then the food came out and it was gorgeous and hot and incredibly good and I got over those three minutes. Slow and steady wins the race. I can work fast as fuck but I'd prefer to take it easy -- I am still reading Marco Pierre White's book The Devil In the Kitchen and I came to a spot where he's talking about this one restaurant he worked at and he said on a 40-50 top night, the food would be impeccable but double or triple that and that is when the troule starts. He's absolutely right. That taught me the importance of developing a menu that works when it's dead as shit or busy as hell and you'll get the same result regardless.

/again, the Austin place reinforces this idea

I really like that book. I'd send a copy of it to the chef at that last dump and insert a note that says

LEARN FROM THIS

but it would just be wasted money and sentiment.

42 minutes until pie.

2007-12-31T01:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, lets wrap this shit up...

December 30 or 31, 2006: roll into town

January 2007: look for work, learn the layout of the land, stay off the Strip because it doesn't take much time to realize how much it sucks

Valentine's Day 2007: first day of work at a restaurant that i'm still not sure if i liked or not and am still not sure if i actually learned anything from or not (i did but i didn't, you know)

June 2007: spent a month in some damn city in the midwest opening up another store of said restaurant, being incredibly bored and lonely at one of the worst roach motels i've ever been in

July 2007: quit restaurant job after chef makes it known he's a degenerate pervert. less than a week later, get another job at a different restaurant that turns out to be complete and utter bullshit

October 2007: quit that dump job and enter a period of disillusionment with this town that is still going on to this minute

November 2007: write book, get banned from the Nanowrimo boards. get another restaurant job at another place that is run by lunatic spazzes and dumbshits who can't hold their shit together

December 2007: turn 33, am sick for half of the month because of that job. perform my first (and hopefully last) no call no show and no one over there gets it because they're egotistic, clueless losers. come up with invention idea that has immense potential for certain aspects of this industry but become immediately worried when it took Sandra Lee $50K to make magnets to hang curtains

i need Marco Pierre White to come smack me.

i think 2008 is going to be full of more inwardness sprayed outward, more planning for the future and more education, done mostly on my own because if i don't do it, who will. i'm not looking forward to this because it doesn't sound like much fun. i will have to make it something other than fun because fun isn't always necessary -- maybe i should focus more on money. Maybe that's why i feel like i'm doing it wrong. But how can I do that when I have such disdain toward money? How can I not feel that way here in Vegas? I need to change my attitude but I don't know how. I realize what money can do but I see it spent here in such pointless ways when it could be used toward things that would make so much more sense. That and making an honest buck here takes FOREVER.

I'm over it, I'm over this toxic city, I'm over it all. I want it to be 2010 already, fuck 2008, i don't give a fuck. what a fantastic attitude. i do want tomorrow to be a better day but if you were in my shoes, you would understand. but i'm a dumbass -- when i give up on a restaurant, i'm giving up on them because I'M SMART ENOUGH to see in advance that they're failing me when I'm giving them my best and that is bullshit. Why waste my time? Why spin my wheels and get older when they're not doing right by me? Is that too much to ask? I don't think it is -- I've said a billion times about that joint in Austin... they did right by their crew. I know it can be done because I've already been in an environment that works right. It didn't work right all the time because we're all human but for the most part, it was the way it needs to be. I don't live in a fucking restaurant perfection fantasyland where what I'm asking is too much, I have BEEN there already. Anyway, like I started to say, I'm not giving up on the big picture, which is cooking and cheffing and whatall -- I have too much time and money invested. I can always take my ass somewheres else and that is back to Texas. Back Home. There's no place like home. No shit. Unless you're a native Texan, you can't understand how Texas calls you back. It called my dad back (who wasn't a native -- that's the pull) and called me back once already and will be doing it again in two years.

Back to the Project Runway Marathon. I'm so proud of my dad for watching it with me and my mom right now. I think that is hilarious.

2007-12-29T22:59:00.000-08:00

Those low-lifes called AGAIN this morning. 11:30, they call me. Woke my ass up. Did I answer? Fuck no. Did I listen to their message? Of course not. Why should I? I know what kind of people they are, they are phony fucking assholes. Derrick's statement "we've never begged anyone to stay" keeps ringing in my head, which is why I am confused as to why they're calling. Do they NOT recognize a No Call No Show when it's sitting on their heads? Are they THAT egotistical and clueless that they refuse to believe someone would do that to them? what the hell? If it happens one more time, I will be taking care of things in the most immature yet foolproof way possible: Throw my cell out the window on I-15 on the way to the Strip.

I made pie crust again like I said and made a buttermilk pie with it. I've got two more pints to deal with and I want to do something more than make biscuits with it. I also made the truffles with the creme fraiche and the difference in the flavor isn't strong enough to tell but texturally, there is a difference compared with just using cream. I will be covering them tomorrow with tempered chocolate and possibly making another pie, maybe cornmeal this time. I've got to figure out something new to do with the pie dough scraps.

I'm loving this Futurama marathon on Adult Swim. And if I had a nickel for every time they show Goodfellas and Forrest Gump on TV, I would be GD set for life.

2007-12-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

I just plugged my phone in to recharge and that dump called three times on Friday, the 21st. I didn't even listen to the messages. I wasn't supposed to go in on Friday, I was scheduled for Saturday. They probably called to fire my ass, I can't imagine any other reason why they'd call.

Since last Saturday I have been plagued with dreams about that place. A couple of nights I was spared the annoyance but last night I had another one that was plain as day like it was really happening. I was at the oven with Derrick and he was crabbing at me for not showing up for work but I was all

dude, i've been sick for the last week

and then i said

can i just leave?

and he said yes

so hopefully that will be the end of that. even in my dream i was still sick and working at a diminished capacity to the point where I was looking for eggs in dry storage.

i've never had a cold have such a hold on me. i was sick from december 1st through the 6th and from last Wednesday up to today. i took a few emergen-c's yesterday and they made me feel worse. that just doesn't seem right. i need some zinc. i'm sure my vodka consumption isn't the smartest thing to do but at least i'm drinking it with orange juice and grapefruit juice. that should count for something, i would think.

i made five prototypes of my invention and will be testing them tomorrow. i also think i will make a chocolate cream pie and perhaps the truffles as well. i made jambalaya for dinner and finished making the pinto beans that we started two days ago. all those beans need are some fried catfish, hush puppies and coleslaw.

i miss Texas. i don't belong here at all. i think that is the main reason why i'm not dating anyone. i don't want to have a reason to need to stay. a few months before i left Austin to come here i had one of the best dates i'd ever had in my life and i totally sabotaged it because I knew I could date that guy for a very long time and miss out on all this -- that guy was a winner, too. it's a shame how things don't work out sometimes.

2007-12-27T00:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, here's ONE more thing I learned from that dump I just quit:

4:1

4 parts cream
1 part buttermilk
equals pure fucking sex

I don't even LIKE sour cream but I made this mix at noon today and oh my GOD does it smell amazing. fuck Jello wresting. Creme Fraiche wrestling will be the new hot shit.

i have decided, since I didn't like the way I felt while being unemployed and sleeping all day (aside from November when i wrote a book) that I will do/produce/research/make at least ONE thing each day until I get another job. i should post them here but then I'll get bummed when I don't out-do myself each day. but i can't just hibernate like a lazy polar bear. that sucks.

/yes i have had the vodka tonight

i made roasted red bell pepper soup with anise cream, cheese toast and a "mediterranean" salad for lunch today. it was the first thing that i made for lunch that came out the EXACT way i predicted in a long time. i also discovered that roasting peppers in the oven makes their skins come off easier because there are no charred parts that get papery and fly away, they just peel off like magic. usually i used the grill but it's too fuckin' cold to do that right now so i kept it inside. it took longer than i wanted but it worked out way better.

when i decide the flavor of truffles i want to make with the creme fraiche, i will let you all, my invisible, locked friends, know.

time to eat leftover queso in the dark.

/i'm no snob