Saint Kansas

Annoying Kansas

2008-04-18T09:04:00.003-04:00

Seeing as Forgetting Sarah Marshall opens today, I might as well repost the mighty Blanking Blank list of "gerund + proper noun" movie titles. We're up to 54* now:

Americanizing Shelley
Becoming Jane
Being John Malkovich
Being Julia
Being Ron Jeremy
Bleeding Iowa
Boxing Helena
Capturing the Friedmans
Chasing Amy
Chasing Holden
Copying Beethoven
Deconstructing Harry
Dreaming Lhasa
Driving Miss Daisy
Drowning Mona
Eating Raoul
Educating Rita
Feeling Minnesota
Fighting Tommy Riley
Finding Forrester
Finding Nemo
Finding Neverland
Finding North
Finding Preet
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Forgiving Dr. Mengele
Forgiving the Franklins
Guarding Tess
Introducing the Dwights
Killing Emmett Young
Killing Zoe
Kissing Jessica Stein
Knowing Richard Black
Leaving Las Vegas
Leaving Metropolis
Outing Riley
Raising Arizona
Raising Flagg
Raising Helen
Raising Victor Vargas
Regarding Henry
Robbing Peter
Saving Grace
Saving Private Ryan
Saving Silverman
Seducing Dr. Lewis
Serving Sara
Stealing Harvard
Surviving Christmas
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Undertaking Betty
Waking Ned Devine
Winning London
Wrestling Ernest Hemingway

*There are about 50 Finding... entries alone at IMDB.com, but most are either shorts or so limited in their release that no one can prove they exist.

Strung Out

2008-02-29T08:48:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the seven-month break between posts: Wal-Mart had a closeout on musical accessories, and I've been restringing every guitar in the house.

STC SAWA RECHARGE RIYADH SA

2007-07-31T14:16:00.000-04:00

I'm hoping that nasty headline might draw in some other people who've had $80 charges for Saudi Arabia cell phone service show up on their bank statements recently.

I caught four $80 transactions to STC SAWA RECHARGE RIYADH SA today before they were posted. And I'm not the only one seeing these: check this thread if you haven't already. Here too.

Handy notes: This can't be a World of Warcraft thing, cause I don't know WoW from Pong (although I did recently swipe the old debit card at GameStop). Online merchants I've done business with include GoDaddy, PowWeb, NetFlix, iTunes, Beatport, TracFone, and Ohio.net.

Post your clues below.

What Seems to Be the Problem?

2007-07-17T10:09:00.000-04:00

Well, doctor, for one thing, it appears a rather large, slovenly man in the waiting room has eaten three of your patients.

G8 Protesters Amuse, Enlighten...Each Other

2007-06-10T08:35:00.000-04:00

I didn't know there was a G8 protest going on. I had just popped into Borders Express to pick up a Captain Underpants book for my son and check out the "Out of Office Countdown" desk calendar and "George W. Bush Voodoo Kit" by the register. The usual.

But in Public Square I stumbled upon what I'm guessing was a G8 protest, or might one day be a G8 protest when it grows up. Twelve or so protesters (yes, I counted) had set up a tiny amplifier and mic (whose mighty 15 watts reached, somewhat symbolically, almost beyond the group membership itself). They'd hung a decorative paper globe from a mic stand and G8 flags around their necks. Each, in turn, would praise his or her country (in sub-Burger King drive-through sound quality; e.g., bzzztt global warming mmmwwwaaa bzzzt billions zzzzzt) and then have at the globe with a yellow whiffle ball bat. Gently, mind you: I think their budget required them to return it to Hallmark after the protest. Two old bags worked the periphery and handed out the usual communist newspaper to those who wandered into the generous Moonbat/Reality Buffer.

That's it. All in all, a non-event. It seemed like a bit of work to attract, well, me and one girl who stopped to watch (the smoking area outside DeVry, in contrast, attracted six times the audience). I like the second photo, because it gives an idea of the true scope of the, erm, event:

I should also mention that Lunch Hour Jesus Boy, as usual, was just across the way with his acoustic guitar and pwned them with his mighty PA system. Time for the commies to apply for a grant from the local arts council.

When Irish Guys Are Stalking

2007-04-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

I had to take a short detour to do it, but I just had to walk past the Celtic Woman tour busses this morning, on the off chance that one of those lovely wee faerie sprites slumbering within should happen to spot me, jump out of the bus and propose marriage.

Ah, my heart is singing this morning just knowing I was that close to my one true love, Mairead, Maev, Orla, Lisa, and/or Chloe.

Surefire Studio Greenlight

2007-03-23T10:03:00.000-04:00

Mad-Libs style: "Hi, [name of movie producer in room], I have a killer idea for a film. It's called [gerund] [proper noun] and it can't fail! Now let's go snort this line of [type of powder] off of this hooker's back."

It's worked before; these are just the ones that come to mind right off the top of my head. Please add more as you think of them:

Americanizing Shelley
Becoming Jane
Being John Malkovich
Being Julia
Boxing Helena
Capturing the Friedmans
Chasing Amy
Chasing Holden
Copying Beethoven
Deconstructing Harry
Driving Miss Daisy
Drowning Mona
Eating Raoul
Educating Rita
Feeling Minnesota
Finding Forrester
Finding Nemo
Finding Neverland
Forgiving Dr. Mengele
Forgiving the Franklins
Introducing the Dwights
Killing Zoe
Kissing Jessica Stein
Leaving Las Vegas
Raising Arizona
Raising Flagg
Raising Helen
Raising Victor Vargas
Regarding Henry
Saving Grace
Saving Private Ryan
Saving Silverman
Seducing Dr. Lewis
Serving Sara
Stealing Harvard
Surviving Christmas
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Undertaking Betty
Waking Ned Devine
Winning London

Update: I just remembered Eating Raoul, which, being released in '82, diplaces Educating Rita ('83) as the oldest one I remember. The Blanking Blank glut didn't really hit until the mid-'90s, though.

Update 2: I don't know how I forgot Finding Nemo, or how I remembered Stealing Harvard.

Update 3: Many thanks to Barb the Evil Genius for her contributions, and enjoy the new alphabetized list, which reveals Finding and Raising tied for first, closely followed by Being and Saving. And let us not ignore the ripple effect on television, including "Breaking Bonaduce," "Shooting Sizemore," and "Saving Jessica Lynch."

The Divine Mr Gore

2007-03-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

Al Gore and Divine: separated at birth?

We Also Like Shiny Objects

2007-02-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

One of these Academy Awards wrap-up pieces is not like the others:

"Alternately...a bore and a horror" - Washington Post
"Unspectacular bordering on dull" - Variety
"The letdown began long before the evening wrapped up" - New York Times
"It felt more like...a PBS pledge drive" - Los Angeles Times
"Plenty of fun, surprises highlight Oscar night" - The Plain Dealer

Global Warming News

2007-02-26T04:53:00.000-05:00

True story: the earth's temperature rose enough yesterday that it uncovered the tip of some lost object in my driveway.

An expedition with my children revealed that it was indeed my Wall Street Journal from February 13, lost in the Valentine's Day Blizzard of '06.

Forunately, the paper's environmentally unfriendly plastic bag, coupled with the icy tomb surrounding it, perfectly preserved this document of an earlier and more simpler time. I'll report any findings in a press conference later this week.

Diminishing Returns

2007-02-23T15:33:00.000-05:00

All of the emphasis placed below is mine; you're clever enough to figure it out.

Roger Ebert, alone at the keyboard, on An Inconvenient Truth:

"This film reflects the truth as I understand it, and it represents, I believe, agreement among the world's experts.

"'There is no controversy about these facts,' [Gore] says in the film. 'Out of 925 recent articles in peer-review scientific journals about global warming, there was no disagreement. Zero.'

"Gore says that…there is '100 percent agreement' among scientists.

"Am I acting as an advocate in this review? Yes, I am. I believe that to be 'impartial' and 'balanced' on global warming means one must take a position like Gore's. There is no other view that can be defended."

Charlie Rose interviewing State of Fear author Michael Crichton, February 2007:

"Every good scientist that I talk to says to me, '90 percent of the scientists agree on this…. Most of the scientists say 'We all agree on this, you know, that it is catastrophic.'

"Do you disagree with the idea that the majority of scientists who are experts in this area have a different conclusion than you?"

Whoa, slow down Charlie! Let me get a notepad to write down all these big numbers!

Local Rag's Fag Hag Slags

2007-02-08T12:53:00.000-05:00

Caution: contents may be salty.

I'm done. Yeah, I know I've just blown my chances of getting hired to blog for any presidential candidate by using hate speech like "fag," but there you go. You fag.

I just can't take the friggin' Plain Dealer and the staff's nonstop jockeying for the Most Liberal Columnist trophy (also known as the Pulitzer). I think Connie Schultz has even legally changed her name to Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist Connie Schultz, in honor of "her pungent [sic] columns that provided a voice for the underdog and underprivileged." Seems to me they provided a voice for another white liberal, of which there is no shortage in Cleveland media. Nonetheless, as the old Monty Python skit goes, I fart in the general direction of her medal. Pungently.

What underprivileged group is the recipient of PPWCC Shultz's grace this week? Let's read, shall we?

When I first heard that Cleveland was about to launch a marketing campaign to entice gays and lesbians to spend their tourism dollars here, I scratched my head and let out a long hmmmm.

Um, 'scuse me? Didn't we tell all those gays and lesbians that we don't want them here? Wasn't that the basic message after the majority of Ohio voters passed that heinous bill in 2004 called Issue 1?

Um, no. And frankly, I'm out of patience with this sort of Legislation for Dummies guilt-baiting—if you vote for Issue 1, you're a homophobe—and downright scared at the depth of thought that enables the stretch demonstrated above. No, dumb-ass, that was Issue 1.1 (Be it Resolved by the People of the State of Ohio that We Don't Want Gays Here), which didn't pass because it doesn't exist. Nor should it. Did you vote to raise Ohio's minimum wage to $6.85? You did? Well, bite me, you cheap-ass poor-hating capitalist bastard! The push for a national minimum is $7.25! What sort of elitist prick votes for $6.85? You can't live on that!

I'd post of sample of Issue 1, but why? The whole heinous thing fits very nicely right here:

Be it Resolved by the People of the State of Ohio:
That the Constitution of the State of Ohio be amended by adopting a section to be designated as Section 11 of Article XV thereof, to read as follows:
Article XV
Section 11. Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this state and its political subdivisions. This state and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effect of marriage.

What bullshit! Are we telling teenage boys married to three sisters and a goat that we don't want them here? 'Scuse me?

So, what could the [visitor] bureau be thinking?

One word: ka-ching.

Turns out, lots of gays and lesbians make lots and lots of money.

Note to self: "underprivileged" is no longer only shorthand for "black." "Lots and lots of money" and "underprivilged"…even better together!

OK, here comes the old "Many of my friends are black, etc." appeal—you know, where Whitey McLiberal thinks back to that nice black man who served drinks on the cruise ship last summer. That counts, right? What's so damned funny is PPWCC Shultz's use of "they" and "them"—more than 15 instances. You know… them.

You can't do much business -- or even much living -- in Cleveland without coming across some annoyingly talented and generous member of the gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual community. The list is long in my own life, past and present: my pastor, our mortgage broker, several chefs, three florists, a former veterinarian, a hairdresser who moved away, a printer and several of my closest friends. All those friends could afford to buy houses before I did.

Wow. A gay florist? A gay hairdresser? Oh my God, stop the presses! Alert the media! Wait…this IS the media! News Flash: PULITZER PRIZE WINNING COLUMNIST'S GAY HAIR ROMP!

Big fucking deal. Do I have to make my own list to prove my "gay cred?" Oh crap, I do. (RIGHT-WING BLOGGER'S LITTLE PINK BOOK: REVEALED!) Hey, I celebrate diversity: my list even includes gays who are frankly not at all talented and downright cheap and can't afford houses. OK, I'll give: the guy who cuts my hair, our old babysitter, a couple of cousins, my old college girlfriend, a handful of professors, and so on. I've also done dance remixes—the making of gay songs even gayer—for gay bands in D.C. and Toronto and lobbied to bring them to Cleveland to perform. Thank you, you can mail the Tolerance medal to my house.

The irony, of course, is that I closet myself as a conservative among not only my gay friends, but in general. I do the remixes under another name for fear of blacklisting. I peeled my W sticker off the car after a college age girl flipped off my kids and then swerved in front of us on Cedar. You can get run off the fucking road for being a conservative in tolerant Cleveland Heights. PPWCC, meet Underdog.

The best news has been the response to the marketing plan so far. Sarah Fryberger, the visitor bureau's spokeswoman, had expected an onslaught of negative calls. Instead, a growing number of businesses and civic organizations are calling to jump on the welcome train. They want to make sure they're on the list of LGBT-friendly places.

I wish they'd been so eager in their support of the LGBT community in 2004, but let's not quibble. They're stepping up now. Welcome.

Um, what happened to ka-ching? One word, remember?

One person from New York called warning…that some gays and lesbians won't travel to Ohio because they're afraid that, should their partner get sick, they'll be banned from the hospital emergency room. Fryberger is compiling a list of hospitals where policies honor such couples.

Amen. Great. If you have to, lie. (Yeah, that wasn't really my wife's sister who took her to the ER. Shhhh…) Hell, I was pissed one time when I couldn't call to challenge our gas bill 'cause the account was in my wife's name, which is different from mine. It's a bitch being progressive like me.

Think about it. Even if I laced my husband's meatloaf with arsenic, I'd be allowed to stand next to his hospital bed simply because he married the opposite sex. Imagine the damage I could do until his blood test came back.

Well, yes, you could read your columns aloud.

Save the Environment - Nominate Kerry/Edwards '08

2007-01-23T14:57:00.000-05:00

It would save so many trees if they didn't have to print all new bumper stickers this time around, since every single frigging car in Cleveland Heights still has one on the back bumper.

The Sound of Spam

2007-01-23T13:05:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out my Bulk Mail folder today and suddenly realized what a great techno CD the subject headers would make. Side 1 rocks hard, while Side 2 definitely sounds a little more introspective.

Slide 1

slake motivation
zoccur
to continue
which to pollution
rxfloozi

Slide 2

call me
for at ceiling
the ping
a special kiss
re: notice

The Hot Buttered Soul of Wit

2007-01-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

Writing for Salon.com, Debra J. Dickerson today takes 1,905 words to convey what I said in one line from my Barack Obama carol: "He's black, but not too black."

Whites, on the other hand, are engaged in a paroxysm of self-congratulation; he's the equivalent of Stephen Colbert's "black friend." Swooning over nice, safe Obama means you aren't a racist.... If he were Ronald Washington from Detroit, even with the same résumé, he wouldn't be getting this kind of love. Washington would have to earn it, not just show promise of it, and even then whites would remain wary.

Think of the time you could save coming here instead of Salon; plus you get free music and no stupid sponsor "day pass." It's on me, baby.

Ex-Professor Claims Dog Feces Is Political Expression

2007-01-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

South Park character and Colorado neighbor Mr. Hanky to testify -- no shit!

Do forgive the dear old professor; in her delusion she has also mistaken a steaming pile of dog crap for a political platform.

For Your Day-After-MLK Jr.-Day Viewing Pleasure

2007-01-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

An old review of "Our Friend Martin."

I Have Never Seen "24"

2007-01-16T06:42:00.001-05:00

I feel oddly compelled to confess that.

He Feels My Pain

2007-01-04T12:27:00.000-05:00

"Even I, who am deaf, find that painful to listen to."

- Rush Limbaugh, upon playing a Cindy Sheehan soundbite.

Won't Someone Think of the Elephants?

2007-01-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

For a country that prefers its elephants crucified rather than worshipped, we sure do love those big smelly things. Sick of Google's liberal shenanigans, I recently signed up with GoodSearch, which promises to donate to the cause of your choice. Apparenlty the Lupus Foundation will now get .000001 cent every time I do a search for nude photos of Jessica Alba. But the big winner, according to Good Search's "success stories" sidebar, are the elephants:

The Elephant Sanctuary, $2,260
St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, $920
Save Darfur, $820

Which leads me to believe that either Brit boy band has-been Lee "What About Whales?" Ryan is more influential than I thought possible, or Kim Basinger is running non-stop online queries in search of her career.

Tower of London, Texas Wing

2007-01-04T06:03:00.000-05:00

Apparently the New World doesn't seem so new to the Brits. The worldly London Times on Saddam Hussein's execution:

The scene had begun to resemble a medieval execution or a wild hanging in Texas.

In this Yank's opinion, Mississippi's been the place for wild medieval-style hangings, at least since 2004. Someone on the tourist bureau's getting fired.

Now THAT's Good Satire!

2006-12-21T09:44:00.000-05:00

I stopped reading Cleveland's free "alternative" newspapers a while ago as part of my recovery from depression. But we've since adopted a miniature pincher who needed housetraining, so I've been picking them up again. And I swear, I wasn't the least bit pissed (so to speak) seeing yet another GOP-bashing art show, this one by Cleveland untouchable Derek Hess, called "Please God, Save Us From Your Followers."

The Plain Dealer went with the, um, nicer illustration, the (stunningly original and heretofore unseen) GOP elephant on a throne of human skulls. The free paper went with the "edgier" one, which I'll describe here. Mr. Elephant tramples the American flag while holding a cross/Swastika in his trunk, as angel-like beings descend from above to club him into submission. I kid you not: I laughed out loud on second glance when I discovered that the elephant was actually peeing on the flag as well...in case you didn't get the obtuse symbolism already described.

No, what pissed me off was the news articles, a mishmash of press release and pithy quotes "exclusive" to each paper. Says the Plain Dealer of the show:

...a new series of politically charged drawings intended to "challenge the complacent and undecided," Hess said.

On first glance, his new work appears to mock Republicans and Christians. [Editor: No shit!] But [the gallery curator] insists that this "is not an anti-Christian show."

Rather, the exhibition is intended to provoke questions about our current social and political climate by satirizing the power held by extremists in ongoing debates over such issues as foreign policy, the environment and evolution.

Ah, the old "it's not about you...it's about the extremists in your party who make you look bad." Don't be offended. We love you, dear. But you need to be shocked out of your complancency, you innocent thing.

My first response, filed under the "If I didn't have this damned day job" category, was to whip up a couple of sketches myself (yes, I can draw quite nicely, thanks) and send a press release around for a response. Hmmm, time to tap into my "artistic" self. I envision, say, the Democrat donkey raping a black woman handcuffed to a lead welfare check, except that his penis transforms into a six-foot long surgical instrument impaling a third-trimester baby through its skull.

Gross, I know, but "thought-provoking" -- and the promise of art world adulation and public funding is ever so tempting.

Now That's Good Satire 2006 Runner-Up: Showtime's Masters of Horror entry, "Pro-Life," in which pro-life nutjobs suck the guts out of a heroic abortionist's midsection while rescuing their pregnant daughter/sister...who then proceeds to give birth to the spawn of Satan, which the dispatches with a shotgun. Who knows: the demon you abort could be your own.

Interestingly, Showtime actually pulled one episode from Season 1: Torture maven Takashi Miike's "Imprint," which apparently featured just one too many aborted fetuses floating down the river in Old Japan.

Merry Baracksmas

2006-12-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

I threw this together yesterday (don't tell my boss) only because the words popped into my head while singing the real song, rendering me incapable of hearing the original lyrics. Feel my pain:

Had I more time, I would certainly have included the Barack Obama covers of Popular Mechanics and Tiger Beat as well.

Right-click here and download to complete your Saint Kansas Kristmas Kollection with last year's offering.

Great Moments in Censorship

2006-11-27T09:04:00.001-05:00

Today's top three affronts to freedom of expression from around the world:

A court in Yemen sentenced newspaper editor Kamal al-Aalafi to a year in prison for reprinting Danish cartoons depicting Mohammed.
In China, Chen Guangcheng was sentenced, following a closed-door hearing, to four years in prison in what critics call "retribution" for exposing forced sterilizations and late-term abortions in the name of China's one child policy.
Finally, in the United States, the very brave activists Dixie Chicks were disappointed to learn that "Shut Up and Sing," the documentary playing in 71 theaters and blowing the lid off the plot to silence them for their political views, has so far grossed only $640,000 after a month in theaters. Filmgoers may recognize the image of the Chicks on the movie poster from the front cover of Entertainment Weekly, which previously had run a cover story and feature interview detailing how the Chicks had been silenced by the media. U.S. citizens can expect to hear much more from the Chicks in the future about their ongoing fight against censorship.

Yodeltastic

2006-11-25T05:21:00.000-05:00

Yes, the new Gwen Stefani single -- the one that samples "The Lonely Goatherd" from The Sound of Music -- is hot as ****. And yes, you, as a seasoned DJ, do realize that sampled accordion and yodeling over hip hop beats is nothing new -- hell, it's old skool. The classic track you're thinking of is '89's "Bring Me Edelweiss":

(And no, Ms. Stefani is not the first to enjoin you through song to wind it up; if you're gonna download her single, treat yourself as well to '93's "Wind It Up" by the mighty Prodigy (iTunes link).