Mountain Associates

What Is Good Practice?

2009-06-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

Good practice is based on beliefs, values and opinions, from which ethical behaviour stems. The dictionary definition of ethics is: philosophical study of the moral value of human conduct and of the rules and principles that ought to govern it. (The New Collins Concise English Dictionary).

Given the current issues surrounding MP's expenses in the UK, now is a very good time for those of us working in organisations to consider our own ethics.

There are few references to ethical behaviour in the management and organisational literature. Many refer to the values an organisation may hold, but not how these translate into action. This may be partly due to the fact that consultants and those working in organisations come from a variety of educational and professional backgrounds where these may not have been considered.

For example, if an organisation uses as its mission statement "We value people", how will that organisation find ways of demonstrating this? What are the implications for that organisation when this is not demonstrated?

The belief system is an important part of TA. There are many people who know the theoretical TA concepts but do not put the underpinning philosophy into practice, thereby making their actions and theoretical knowledge incongruent.

Beliefs are often unconscious patterned thinking processes and may, therefore, be hard to identify. The need to make meaning, find causes or maintain our identity, guides our beliefs, which by their nature, are not necessarily related to facts, even though we may act as though they are.

Our beliefs will effect how we behave, and our beliefs are part of our identity. Changing either our beliefs, or how we view ourselves will effect our actions. This will include who we work with and how we work with them.

There are some values that are deeply rooted and global and some that are dependent on circumstances. Organisations which have alignment of shared values increase employee commitment, confidence and achievement.

Codes of Ethics

The European Association of Transactional Analysis (EATA) and the International Transactional Analysis Association (ITAA) have Codes of Ethics to which all members of those organisations agree to adhere to. This offers clients a measure of protection.

The ethical considerations for those working in organisations can be ambiguous and as such are not always sufficiently addressed by either the national or international bodies. Those of us using TA in organisations need to develop our Adult awareness about our own ethical principles.

Awareness of three cornered contracting (English, 1975) is necessary as consultants have contracts with the commissioning agent as well as course participants. It is these relationships which can create the ambiguity. A one to one contract is not usually the case for an organisational consultant which means that these relationships can be complex and sometimes confusing, which has implications for boundary setting. It is therefore "........vitally important that the consultant have clear, conscious, and consistent ethical standards" (Garfield 1993).

References:

Dilts R., Hallbom T, & Smith S. (1990) Beliefs. Pathways to Health and Well-being.
English F. (1975) Three-Cornered Contract TAJ 5:4
Garfield V. (1993) Ethical Principles for Work in Organisations TAJ 23:2
van Hauen F. Kastberg B, Soden A (1999) Dare to Kiss the Frog

We are interested in hearing your comments on our blogs. Do respond using the link on this page
Mountain Associates train others both nationally and internationally as well as facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis including Developmental/Organisational TA. Please contact us for further details: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Power and Control

2009-05-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

If you are the sort of person who becomes irritated and snappy easily, or you know someone who does, this often appears from the outside to be coming from an I’m OK and You’re not OK position. However, let’s look a bit deeper.

You may be someone who believes that they have to take care of others and be the one who makes things right. If this is the case then it maybe that your feelings of resentment and lack of time for fun are displaced and you become more and more controlling as a way of keeping everything in place – or so it seems. In the end one situation reinforces the next and before you know it you may believe that if you weren’t in control of things everything would fall apart – work, home, friendships etc. This, in itself creates its own tensions.

Very often people who are controlling find other people who believe they need to be looked after and so a co-dependent relationship is established. However, inside the person who appears to be in the control seat may actually be scared. The more scared they are the more controlling they may become and their scared feelings never get addressed. The basic existential life position may be I’m not OK and You’re not OK either.

If you are aware that you do this, or that you are fairly obsessive, then it is time to take stock. Let go a bit, see that others can also share power and control and things can be okay. If you are still fearful then do go and see a coach or psychotherapist who will have the skills to support you to change and grow so that you make the most of life and enjoy it.

Of course, not everyone who is controlling has the fundamental life position of I’m not OK and You’re not OK, so establishing which life position you, or the person who is controlling, is largely coming from will be helpful as the interventions will be different for different people. Therefore uncovering the basic beliefs about self, others and life, is an important step in awareness and then change. However, it is important to know where you are going and why you want to get there as this offers motivation and hope. This in itself provides the momentum to move toward rather than just moving away from something.

So, ask yourself whether you are over controlling, or if you are at times and what these times may be about. Then consider which life position you may be coming from (see the notes on the Transactional Analysis concept of OKayness on our web site: http://www.mountain-associates.co.uk/life_positions.html ). Having done this know that this is not a fact but a belief about self and others and that you can change this so that your relationships improve and life is easier. Suffering is optional so you can make the changes you need to make and get the help you need to do so if this is scary for you. If you are reluctant to make the changes so that you are largely in the life position of I’m OK and You’re OK, then consider why you might be resistant. This resistance is telling you something that you may need to deal with first so that you feel safe to make the changes you want to make.

So, the next time you may be snappy with a work colleague, or at home with the family or friends, then ask yourself what it is about and find out if there is anything beneath this irritability that needs dealing with.

Have a safe journey!

Why not start a discussion about this or our other blogs. We would like to hear from you.
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I Take Care of You So That You Take Care Of Me

2009-04-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

Here is another blog which has some links with last months.

Are you the sort of person who likes to look after others? Do you like to pre-empt other’s needs and take care of them? Do you feel alone or abandoned when not looking after others? If so, then you might end up feeling fearful and, in addition, a victim of others who take advantage of you. This is probably not your intention, but it is likely to be an outcome. When we continuously put others before ourselves this may cover the belief that we are only OK as long as we are looking after others, whilst in return we expect them to be nice to us and look after us in some way.

How many times at work have you said “yes” to taking on another task when you know that doing so will mean that you feel overwhelmed and have to work extra hours? You might rationalise this by saying to yourself “At least this means they value me”, or “At least I don’t have the think about being alone at home as I will need to work late”. Thus these “yes’s” enable us to avoid developing a friendship network, or ensuring our home life is satisfying.

If we have developed this particular way of being we need to tell ourselves that we are important – and sometimes more important, than other people. As a way to remember this let’s take the analogy of aircrew on any flight anywhere in the world. The first thing the aircrew do is tell us how to put on our life jackets and to put these on first, before helping the elderly, frail or young with theirs. The rationale for this is that we need to be prepared for any emergency so that we are available to support others. In everyday life our “life-jacket” is the nurture and care we need to give ourselves. We need to like ourselves, be happy with our own company and have confidence in who we are. With this “life-jacket” we are able to set boundaries as well as give and receive support in a balanced way.

If we are saying “yes” as a way of avoiding dealing with something then we need to ask ourselves: “If things go on as they are how will I be?” and “If things get worse, how will I be?”, and then “Is this okay with me and if not what options do I have?”

We need to see how we feel about the answers to these questions and then decide what action to take. Thoughtful and caring action will enable us to deal with difficult situations. We may need to get support and talk to someone else, not to get the answers from them but as a sounding board. In this way we can get control of our own lives and take our own power to have more of the life we need and want.

Life is all about inter-dependence - not co-dependence, which is what we get when we take a passive rather than pro-active stance. So, do it today, get your life-jacket on and life will get richer.

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Feeling Full

2009-03-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

One of the things we get from satisfying relationships with others is a feeling of being “full”. When we make contact with another person and take the time to share we can feel a sense of satisfaction at the honour of hearing another person and on being heard.

However, when under stress these opportunities can become restricted and 2009 is probably one of these times. Due to the financial situation the “full” sense we can get from connectedness can be reduced as all around us there are people suffering from homelessness, threat of redundancy and stress-related ill-health. Therefore at home as well as in the work-place, it is still important to consider how we find ways to feel positively “full”. Some get this from using alcohol, but, as we never get enough of what we don’t need, the short term gain from this will be insufficient to cover the emptiness.

Ironically when stressed, many of us cut off rather than connect, and in so doing are likely to become more and more isolated. Also at these times we can start to project negativity and despair onto others and so things begin to spiral down. Instead of withdrawing we need to find ways to make connection. In this way we can feel nourished and supported even in times of difficulty.

Leaders particularly need to find ways to “fill-up”, rather than run on empty. There are many ways to do this including making opportunities to really meet with people and find ways to understand them. Then, even if we should disagree with them we can do so amicably and through hearing them, rather than attempting to brow-beat them with our opinions. In this way relationships can be developed and maintained. Active listening is a term used in counselling and is appropriate to the development of good relationships wherever, and with whom ever, we are.

Further, when things are getting difficult it is important to check in with ourselves and ask how we are feeling about the situation and then what we need when we feel like this. For example, we may feel angry and need a sounding board, or scared and need to develop some options to allay our fears. Taking account of our feelings is a good way to ensure that we don’t bury our head in the sand and do nothing as eventually this usually makes things worse.

Therefore, when stressed we need to take account of the situation, decide what we are feeling about it and what we need at such times. This will often include such activities as talking with someone, getting some space and objectivity by taking time to go for a walk etc. and then taking the appropriate action to move toward addressing the issue.

Go well.

Mountain Associates are available for coaching and supervision of coaches. We also provide organisational consultancy and in-house training as well as open workshops. Call us now for an informal discussion about how we might be of assistance.

Is the problem you or me?

2009-02-11T03:32:00.000-08:00

When communicating with others and something goes wrong, how do we know whether the problem is me or you? Well, actually the difficulty is with both people. For example, you might experience me as criticising you and become angry and therefore snap back at me. In so doing you become as much part of the difficulty as I am. Both of us need to pay attention to the way we are saying something as well as to what we are saying i.e. we need to consider process and content.

I might believe that what I said and how I said it was clear and from a here-and-now place. However, perhaps if I could replay it I might hear a certain tone in my voice that showed that I was implying something that was a put-down of you and this hooked your defensive/attacking behaviour. In which case I can acknowledge my part in the process and start again.

Alternatively, I might reflect on what I said, the tone etc. and decide that I said it in an okay way but I still received an attack. In this case I would still need to remain OK with myself and OK with you and ask for clarification about what it is I said that you feel angry/put down about etc. and stay in the here-and-now, without escalating the process. This also invites you to return to the here-and-now so that dialogue can continue.

Hopefully this example shows that just because you are reacting to me in a particular way this does not justify me making one or both of us not OK as this helps no one and dialogue breaks down, leaving bad feelings. Even if I experience being verbally attacked by you it does not mean I need to attack in return. I might need to put in boundaries and ensuring social control but I can do this from a here-and-now place, without escalating the process.

One way to enjoy the challenge of doing something differently is to give yourself marks out of 10 for changing your old negative patterns of behaviour. No one else needs to know about this of course. This way you always get good points, even if you noticed after the event for doing things the old way – at least you noticed so reward yourself with points for noticing. We all like to be recognised for doing well, rather than poorly and you can see how your points increase as you notice more and more, and sooner and sooner.

Enjoy!

Do keep in touch and let us have your thoughts. We facilitate open workshops on Transactional Analysis so return to the main web site and take a look at our programme or contact us for in-house training and coaching. www.mountain-associates.co.uk

Flexibility and Willingness

2009-01-22T07:36:00.000-08:00

How do we maintain our willingness to learn new things and update our knowledge and information when we are a leader?

The difficulty for leaders at all levels is to account our knowledge and perhaps, our lack of knowledge. This is particularly important when we are with others who we manage or supervise. Perhaps that person is sharing something with the team that challenges our frame of reference, or is sharing something we know nothing about. At these times it is important to be OK with ourselves and others even when we lack knowledge.

Those of us who are flexible and willing to learn will experience this as exciting and interesting whilst others of us may discount the new learning and try to maintain our old way of thinking about things. To do this might involve putting down and making not-OK the person, or people, who are delivering the updated information. By holding on to our own perceptions we can believe that we are holding on to our status as a leader as someone who knows. However, how much more permission-giving and exciting our world would be if we were willing to be flexible, maintain an open mind and consider the new. In this simple process there is a profound import. By showing that we are not above learning we give permission to others not to know and to still stay OK. We also show our strength as a leader as we will be seen as someone able and willing to update ourselves and still keep ourselves OK.

Happy learning!

We value hearing your comments so do respond by clicking on the comments link on this page.

For in-house consultancy, training and coaching, as well as to attend our open programmes, contact: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

A Path With Heart

2008-12-20T01:41:00.001-08:00

With a New Year approaching many people turn to considering goals and aspirations, e.g. to go to the gym twice a week - only for these to fall at the first hurdle. Perhaps one reason for not completing our best intentions is because they are not fundamental choices i.e. they do not address our passions, how we want to be in life, and how we want, and need, to make connection. This connection, or lack of it, is often at the heart of difficulties. Many of us have lost connection with a sense of ourselves, with others, with nature and with life itself.

At our Organisational Transactional Analysis training workshop last weekend the group raised the issue of the place of spirituality in TA and a short discussion was held about this. In the TA world two of the people who write extensively about this are Muriel James and her son, John James. In their book a Passion for Life they discuss the human need for a spiritual self and the need to connect and go beyond ourselves.

At a time when the world seems in turmoil it is even more important for us to connect and feel that sense of connection. Human beings have the power to intervene in life. We need to ensure that these interventions are life enhancing. When we lose connection we tend to lose empathy for others, for nature and for life itself, and, when this happens, we lose touch with a deeper sense of connection, and thus our spirituality. To connect is to experience ourselves and others and to really encounter life and live with a passion which reflects a quote I saw the other day: Live your life every day.

So, my hope for us all and for the world is that we make real connection with ourselves, with others and with nature in 2009. This is true intimacy and is life enhancing. This fundamental decision to connect starts with our “self” and is not just for life but is about life and is not just for Christmas.

Enjoy the festive season and laugh and love with a passion that is connecting.

We are interested in your comments on these blogs. Go to the link at the bottom of this blog and keep in touch. See you in 2009.

Who Shall I Rescue Today?

2008-11-13T06:07:00.000-08:00

How often have you gone to help someone and ended up feeling persecuted by them? If this has happened to you it may be that you did not ask the other person if they needed your assistance before assuming what they needed.

Karpman (1968) devised a simple diagram for analysing the “games” that people get into with each other. (In Transactional Analysis a game is a familiar pattern of behaviour with a predictable outcome). Karpman uses three roles as in a play or drama, namely Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim.

Are you one of life’s Rescuers? You think that someone else really needs your assistance and help them without checking whether this is appropriate. Alternatively they may need your help but not as much as you give. The position of Rescuer always discounts someone else’s ability to problem solve. It may be that you seem to be the one who does a lot of the organising on your team’s behalf, when in fact it would be more appropriate to spread this around between everyone.

Perhaps when you did organise an event or task you may not have got the outcome that others wanted and they have a go at you for this. If this happens you may feel bad and move down into the Victim position, which is in fact where you had put your colleagues or staff by thinking that you have to do everything. Your colleagues then move up into the Persecutor position. This feels a far more powerful place than being in Victim which is why people will make that switch.

So by getting involved on the Drama Triangle you can think that you are incapable, think others are incapable or hold others responsible for not looking after you “properly”. Once in any of the three positions - Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim - we can keep going round the Triangle indefinitely.

Often there is one position which we take up more than any of the others. Sometimes we don’t switch round. For example a partnership where one person always decides what is going to happen and when. In these instances there is usually an unspoken agreement that the one partner will look after the other. This “agreement” means that one person takes on the Compliant mode within the relationship whilst the other takes on the Critical or Over-Indulgent mode, thus creating a dependency. When one person tires of this then the roles on the Drama Triangle can start to show. Until this point there may be an unspoken agreement to use just two of the roles, for example, those of Rescuer and Victim, and only later does one of the players switch to Persecutor.

The way to avoid being on the Drama Triangle is to become aware when you and/or others may be discounting self, others or the reality of the situation. For more about this see the Transactional Analysis pages on our web site: www.mountain-associates.co.uk or take a look at some of the excellent books on TA that are around at the moment.

You may be interested to know that our own book on Organizational TA will be published in 2009. Keep an eye on our web site for more details.

Reference:

Stephen Karpman, (1968), “Fairy tales and script drama analysis”. TAB, 7,26, 1968, 39-43

Attraction - fatal or otherwise?

2008-09-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

What we focus our attention on grows greater in our lives. Have you ever noticed that if you have a small mark, such as a spot on your face that you tend to focus attention on that and feel awful? Life can feel like that as well. When we experience difficulties we tend to focus our attention and energy on that rather than on the positive things in our life. However, this focus of attention is rarely mindfully undertaken, as we can obsess about something without actually really paying sufficient attention to solve or resolve it.

But let’s return to attraction. How often do we see someone getting themselves into the same difficult situation time after time. They may get themselves into difficult jobs, difficult relationships and believe that life is difficult. Whereas another person finds good jobs where they flourish, have great relationships and despite life’s difficulties is an optimistic thinker.

These things don’t just happen by accident. If we want to be positive we need to be in control of our mind, not let our minds control us. When we find ourselves going into a negative spiral we need to stop ourselves, return from that pathway and go down another one – one that is positive and life enhancing. By doing this we will give off better energy as we will be looking for the best in ourselves, others and life. Eventually we stop letting others cross our personal boundaries, increase our confidence, start to feel better and we will respect and value others.

This may sound as if I believe this will be simple – which it can be – however, retraining ourselves to think positively and creatively takes commitment. It means staying in the present moment, enjoying the “now” and believing we and others have value. If your way is not working for you, then this is at least worth a try. We might just start to attract encouragers rather than discouragers and become an encourager ourselves.

For more information about coaching, consultancy, training and supervision contact Mountain Associates: www.mountain-associates.co.uk

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Talking With, Not To, People

2008-08-11T03:20:00.000-07:00

One of the most important aspects of leadership is communication. No matter how strategic we are, how intelligent etc. if we cannot get our message across then we need to develop our communication skills.

Sometimes it seems that connecting with each other is one of the most difficult things in the world, when it should be as easy as breathing. The difficulties come when we:

• have the need to control
• aim to prove we are better than others
• put ourselves down
• feel put down and then try to do the same to the other person
• get defensive

Within communication there are so many nuances – how we say things, the tone of our voice, the way we stand, our facial expressions, etc. There also different types of communication – ones where we are talked to like a child, talk to others as if they were a child, talk about others as if they were less than us, imply something without actually saying it and, thank goodness, real communication when we care about the other person, know that we can have an impact on others, really want to relate and learn about what the other person thinks and are prepared to adjust our thinking accordingly. Of course it is sometimes appropriate to put in a boundary and be firm and effectively structuring, but this can be done in a way that is not punitive or “out to get” someone.

Here is an example of a communication process that has the potential to escalate and for at least one person to feel bad and how to avoid that.

Let’s take an example of a communication that appears out to “get someone”. You are doing a presentation and write up something you wish to teach on the flip chart. You teach from this and then, after some discussion, one of the participants says: “What is your thinking about spelling ‘behaviour’ differently on the flip chart?” There appears to be an ulterior transaction here – one that implies something without actually saying it. We, the receiver of this comment, then have a choice. We can feel stupid and shamed by the comment and become defensive, in which case the process will get very messy. Alternatively, we could keep ourselves and the other person OK, saying in an even voice that we did not notice and checking if this was a problem for the participant. In this way, if there was an attempt to show us up, this does not happen and we seek to understand the other person’s concern – for there may have been some reason for his comment that we do not understand.

So where we appear to be invited into a fight or to feel bad we have choices about how we respond. We need to keep ourselves and other OK and still deal with the situation in a way that puts in a boundary at the same time. Remember, suffering is optional!

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From Passivity to Action

2008-07-01T02:10:00.000-07:00

Are you one of those people who say things like “It’s hot in here” rather than “I would like to open the window, would anyone have any objections?”. Or perhaps you come in and the washing up is not done and you thought your partner would have done it as they were off all day. Resentfully, you set to and wash up. Alternatively you come in to work, Mavis is off sick and no one has organised who will do the lunch shift. You offer to do it and then are over-stretched and end up feeling victim to the situation.

These types of situations are about passivity and are non-problem solving behaviours and they all involve discounting – ignoring or denying some aspect of self, others or the situation.

There are five types of passivity:

• Doing nothing
• Over-adaptation
• Agitation
• Incapacitation
• Violence (the original version links this with incapacitation)

Doing nothing occurs when we have a difficulty but we are doing nothing to resolve it. We are not talking about it nor taking action. This would be the case if I were hot and did nothing to resolve it.

Over-adaptation is when we undertake actions we think someone else would want us to be doing, rather than thinking for ourselves. We might be motivated to do this for “a quiet life”, because we think “They won’t like us if we don’t” etc.

Agitation occurs when we have perhaps tried to over-adapt to someone else but we have not received the recognition we are seeking. We might then begin to tap our fingers or feet, pace up and down and so on. Again this does nothing to actually solve the problem and there is even less thinking available at this stage.

Once we get to the level of incapacitation there is even less thinking available. We may have gone off sick from work, passed out, or been so angry we are incapable of talking.

Violence may then occur is we have still not met our needs and believe that we are not being understood. However, we have not actually done anything to be understood or tried to understand anyone else’s perspective. Violence is often thought of as physical but it may actually be an abusive email or letter. Take for example the person who hangs up the phone on Janice. Janice calls back because she thinks she has been cut off as she had only just said “Hello” when Barry answered the phone. On calling back Janice gets the answer-phone, and, being confused because Barry had just spoken to her suggests that he call her back when he is ready as this may have been a bad time. Barry then sends an email in capital letters (which denotes shouting) saying he feels angry that she has insulted him, but gives no explanation how Janice had done this. He says that he does not want her to contact him again and she will just have to go through someone else if she wants anything as he won’t be treated like this. This sort of response is passive and does nothing to resolve the difficulties he is experiencing with Janice as she is not aware of what she has done and how she can rectify it.

To move from passivity to action we first have to believe that:

• we are important,
• other people have a right to be heard and understood, but not at our own expense
• we can solve problems
• we can stay in relationship – if the other person is willing
• we need to seek to understand the other person
• we need to get rid of all the “trash” in our heads that we have accumulated since the maternity ward (Berne E, 1984ed. What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, Corgi, p4)
• keep ourselves and the other person OK

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Staying in Touch

2008-06-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

How easy or difficult is it for you to stay in touch with your feelings and with someone else’s feelings? One of the difficulties for us when communicating is in how to be empathic with the other person. We tend to be busy thinking about what we want and how to get it, rather than with understanding the other person. Really excellent empathic responses come from a deeper sense of the other person, and is perhaps closer to the word “attunement” than to empathy. Our ability to be attuned to the other should not mean that we have to give up what we want, but it does mean that we need to consider the impact we have on others, and to do this we need to actively listen as well as seek understanding.

When we are busy trying to “convert” people to what we think that we can miss them. If we miss the other person we also miss out because we have not made connection and developed relationship. We have therefore probably not put down all the “trash we have accumulated since the maternity ward” (Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello?).

However, being empathic is also enabled on the other person’s part if they are willing to communicate with us, and are able to accept our empathic responses. When the other person is aloof, or cut off in some way then the ability to be empathic and attuned is hampered.

Let’s take the example of caring for someone who is ill. For some people illness may mean that they withdraw and cut-off. When this happens the carer is more likely to experience higher stress levels as they are unable to stay in touch with the person who is unwell and, in turn, they can become increasingly debilitated and tired. How different it is when the person who is ill is willing and able to be responsive. Although tired the carer will feel heard and responded to which helps their own process and energy levels.

Whilst this is a more extreme example than just daily communication it does highlight the need for communication to be two-way (or more). Communication, caring and empathy are co-created with givers and receivers. Both the giver and the receiver need to stay in touch with themselves – their own needs and wants, as well as the other’s needs and wants, and find ways to exchange. This will be a more rewarding process than one where a person cuts offs or negates the empathic or attuned response.

Continued caring for someone who is not able to give back can encouraged “burnout” and lead to a lack of empathy for others. However, where the love and empathy are responded to even those who felt lacking in empathy can have this rekindled.

So, find your empathy and be prepared for others to be empathic with you so that you can create an attuned appropriate response in the here and now, not hampered by the past. Enjoy!

For bespoke in-house as well as open workshops contact Mountain Associates

Coaching and the Client Contract

2008-05-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

I was discussing coaching with someone the other day who had been informed that they could undertake psychotherapy within the coaching session. The rationale for this was based on what the content of the session was. However, it is not the content that makes the difference but the contract and the aim of the work being undertaken. It is not appropriate to undertake psychotherapy with a client when the contract has been for coaching as the aim of coaching is different.

With coaching the aim is to promote the client’s professional development and integrate performance with development. On the other hand the aim of psychotherapy is primarily the development of the individual, regardless of their professional life. Of course, when we develop personally we are also likely to develop professionally, however the aim of these two different fields, coaching and psychotherapy, are different.

I am both a psychotherapist and a coach and believe it is important not to blur the boundary between the two. If someone requires long term psychotherapy I will refer them on to a psychotherapist and remain as their coach.

We all have personal issues that may hamper our professional development, and professional issues that hamper our personal life, or just a lack of professional experience, knowledge or skill. These areas are appropriate to work with as long as the personal issues are not deep seated and cannot be resolved through a here-and-now co-creative intervention. However, where the issue is personal and only related to the client’s personal life, we should not work here, nor should we work with client issues that clearly require longer term psychotherapy, even if we are qualified to do so, as I am. This is because the contract for coaching, with its allied aims, are different to those of therapy. To my mind, at worst, it is a dangerous boundary to cross and, at best, an arrogant altering of the contractual process which could parallel the blurring of a boundary in some other area of the client’s life.

So, even if you have the skills, knowledge and awareness to undertake psychotherapy, doing so in the wrong context highlights a lack of knowledge, awareness and skill in the coaching field.

Let’s celebrate difference and ensure we maintain boundaries between different fields of development.

For further information on coaching and supervision of coaches give us a call on: 44 (0)1455 824475

Know Your Own Pace

2008-04-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

All too often we get into a pace that is not really true to us. I am sure some of you know what I mean by this. Perhaps your personal rhythm is to take your time, go for a walk at lunch time, have a 10 minute break in the mornings and afternoons and see friends in the evening. Then come the deadlines, an increase in workload, the demands of perhaps being freelance, and out goes the knowledge of your own pace.

When walking and climbing the rule is to go at the pace of the slowest person. This way the slowest is not at risk of getting over tired and everyone gets to enjoy the view. This is the same as our pace when working. Some people’s work actually improves under pressure and they can work flat out for periods of time. Others work best when they take breaks and pace themselves and in this way they can continue for longer.

The danger comes when our natural propensity is slower than those colleagues we may work with and the demand may be to catch up – even if this is our own personal demand on ourselves. In these instances it is important to talk to ourselves from the Structuring and Nurturing parts of our here and now Adult mode of behaviour, encouraging us to listen to ourselves, to our own rhythm and check if we feel we are getting out of kilter. If we find we are taking fewer breaks, no lunch, getting into “hurry up” then it is time to take stock and recalibrate. In other words it is time to take a look at the view for while and decide to do something by choice rather than by default. What are we scared of? How come we have adopted a rhythm that is not true for us? Is it the organisational culture we are in? Is it really necessary to adapt to others’ pace? What would happen if we returned to our own pace?

Once we start shifting from our own natural pace there is likely to be less thinking available as we have shifted into an Compliant Child mode as a way of getting on. In truth if we recalibrated then what would happen is that the organisation would get more from us. We would be fresh and able to think more clearly as we would be in the here and now. We would increase our creativity as we would feel safe and not driven.

So, learn to listen to yourself. Learn when and how you work best. For sure, sometimes we probably need to do things we would rather not do but when we work to our own rhythm not other people’s everyone wins.

Have a great time listening to yourself.

Contact Mountain Associates for coaching, in-house courses, and open workshops.

Fire Me, I Made A Mistake!

2008-03-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you made a mistake? Did you beat up on yourself? Did you grovel to the person or people who might have been affected by your actions or did you take the action to put it right and move on? I guess these last points may not be mutually exclusive for some. However, we may need to apologise but this does not mean grovelling. It means taking responsibility for our actions and seeking to remedy what we have done – or not done.

You have probably all heard the Henry Ford story about the employee who made a mistake that cost the company $100,000. He went to Ford and told him what he had done and that Ford should fire him. Wisely Ford responded by saying that he would not fire him as he had $100,000 invested in him now and he would not make the same mistake again. However, many of us seem to forget that when we make a mistake. It is often our own internal voice that punishes us and all too often this voice is harsher than any one else’s.

There is an American expression “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, well, actually we should also not “sweat the large stuff” either. Problem solve, apologise, and check out what we can do to put it right and then learn from the mistake so that it doesn’t happen again. This might mean setting up new systems, or getting extra help, but it does not mean berating ourselves over and over again – how will that help?

So, get resilient. Think before acting, check that systems are in place to ensure the same thing does not happen again. Only take on the amount of work you can take on, rather than letting people down because you took on too much. Take responsibility when, and if, things go wrong. Learn the skills needed to improve performance, and, above all, keep everyone, including ourselves, OK.

Know Where You are Going

2008-02-14T05:59:00.000-08:00

When we are going on holiday we have the route mapped out. We follow the sign-posts and hopefully get there without too much difficulty. On the odd occasion we might take a wrong turning but either our map-reading skills, our enquiries or our sat-nav. will tell us how to get back on the right route.

Somehow though we can be somewhat vague when thinking about life and where we want to get to. We even ask children what they want to do when they grow up, we don’t ask them what they want to create in their lives.

When we go on holiday we have some decisions to make and so it is with our lives. What do we want to create in our life? How will we get there? Will anyone go with us or will we do it on our own? If we get lost what will we do – feel annoyed, give up, become anxious or find the right way for us? All of these things are about choosing options and getting the balance between freedom and responsibility. Too much choice without a structure can be frightening for some, whilst too much responsibility can be overwhelming. Obtaining the right balance for us, as an individual, will help us to create what we want in life.

First we must choose our goal. Goals or visions are about what we want to create in our lives and how we want to be, including our values and ideals etc. When we have developed our vision we can decide what primary decisions we need to make to move toward that vision. When these areas are congruent we will feel in harmony with ourselves and with our life.

What do you want to create in your life?

Using Time

2008-01-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

Perhaps considering how to use our time to the best possible advantage might offer some solutions to stress mangement. Research (de Woet, quoted in Godefroy and Clark 1989, The Complete Time Management System,) shows that we often waste 97% of our energy undertaking tasks that are not appropriate for our performance level. Therefore this only leaves 3% which is at our skill level. Instead we need to delegate tasks to others – secretaries, assistants, colleagues, staff etc.

If we have dreams which we translate into goals and then transform these into tasks this will enable us to make decisions about whether a particular action will get us closer to our dream or further away. We can then only take work that gets us closer to our dream. Of course, eliminating all work which does not get us closer may not be possible straight away, if at all. However, we can minimise it. We just need to take one small step each day toward our dream.

It may be helpful as well to question the script issues that may be involved in the way you wish to spend your life. For some the drive is for acquisitions and material wealth, whereas for others it is about having enough to relax and enjoy themselves, meeting friends, spending time with the family. What do each of your modes say about the way they think you are to spend your life? (Take a look at our Transactional Analysis section on this web site if you would like more information on these concepts).

Celebration also needs to take place at every level (see Concepts for Thriving, Mountain, 2004), otherwise we get depleted. Time management is also about taking time out to get exercise; take care of ourselves with a massage; meet friends; meeting colleagues for mutual support time. All of which often get squeezed out, but which are necessary to obtain balance.

Being Physical!

If we trust our bodies as well as our psyche we are more likely to be in tune with ourselves. One day when doing Quigong I was interrupted. On returning to my exercise I could not remember how to start the move I had left. I did remember the previous move and started there, the next one then just flowed. If our minds don’t remember our bodies will. We need to get in touch with our physical side, listen to what it tells us and then we are more likely to know when we are becoming stressed, or if the next piece of work would push us over the top. Our bodies as well as our minds have the answers, we just need to tune in. Very often we discount our physical signs and rationalise our way into situations rather than listen and consider what our feelings – emotional and physical are telling us.

Worrying tends to effect life-balance. We worry about where we might find the money to meet our financial commitments or what we will do if we get ill and cannot work etc. To worry is to be consumed and obsessed by the question. Whereas, if we are worried about something and consider it attentively, rather than obsessively, we are likely to obtain options and perspective.

Ask yourself:

 What am I worrying about?
 Be prepared to keep asking the question. You can do this when walking, doing the garden etc.
 Follow where the question leads you. If the question changes or another arises go with that one.
 If this practice offers an answer then you can go on to the next question.

A questioning mind, rather than a worrying mind, enables life balance. Further, most of the things we every worry about never happen. If they do happen and we have worried obsessively rather than attentively we are likely to be too tired to deal with it!

We need to trust ourselves, and ensure we expect the best of ourselves and of our workplace.

How will you choose to use your time in 2008?

Being Hosts

2007-12-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

We have just experienced our Russian month. November involved hosting two Russian colleagues at different times as well as going to Russia as we usually do at this time of year. The Russian women were studying here and were hosted by different people. When it came to our turn we chose the places we were going to take them as part of the cultural programme. For Lena, who loves singing, we went to an a cappella singing workshop directed by Una May Olomolaiye. At the first song Lena was so moved she cried as she had not experienced such joy and power before.

With Olga our last Russian guest the Choir Anita attends, also with Una May, were singing at an event. Having been away, Anita was not aware what the event was, but thought Olga would enjoy hearing the choir and Olga said that she wanted to go anyway. So Chris and Olga turned up to what turned out to be a celebration of a woman within the Black community. This celebration was called an “appreciation” of Jenny Solomon, who had been a Youth Director for the region. This was a really moving event. The Black community had turned up in force and included all ages. The evening involved poetry being read to Jenny, songs being sung to her and speeches being made about her. She was definitely the guest of honour and there was so much joy and positive recognition that we could not help but be affected by it. Our choir sang for her and the whole community joined in with gusto.

So why write about this? Well, I think it is pretty clear that appreciation is so important and while a whole evening in someone’s name may not always be possible or appropriate we could certainly do with more of it. We could also do with more of the joy that was present at this event. Yes, there was sadness too, and tears were shed by those who knew Jenny but there was such a feeling of warmth that it seemed okay whatever feelings were being expressed.

As for our Russian guest I think it was a bit overwhelming and way outside of her cultural experience – but one she will never forget.

So, at this time of year when joy is an expectation, how about taking some time to think how, in the coming year, you can appreciate those you know. In the white British culture we tend not to give recognition, even when we have it to give, but if we started to do it, and if it were genuine, we might actually put the “kind” back into human kind, and bring a bit of that joy that can be missing for many.

Stress Management

2007-11-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

One of the things that happens when we are stressed is that we can often start to have obsessive thinking. Our attention becomes focussed on the “What if….” in terms of what might happen and these are usually worse case scenarios. These thoughts in themselves then raise our anxiety and make the situation even more difficult.

Let’s imagine there has been a complaint by a colleague about something you are supposed to have done. In your own eyes you are innocent of this accusation but your employer has decided to take disciplinary measures and the situation is being investigated. At this point you start to believe that there must be something wrong with you, you begin to beat up on yourself and any remaining humour you have is now against yourself e.g. “You’d better write that down as there’s nothing between the ears! Ha, ha, ha!” When laying in bed at night, or during any quiet moment, your thoughts start to go down the negative route of “What if I lose my job? If that happens I will lose the house. I won’t be able to get another job.……………..” etc. etc.

When we start to think like this we are focussed in the future not in the now. By staying in the present we will be less stressed. I recognise that staying present is not necessarily an easy process, but we can train our minds to do this. Every time we start to go down the negative thought route we need to bring ourselves back. It may be that we have been thinking negatively for some time before we even realise what we are doing. However, as soon as we do notice we still need to bring ourselves back to the now. What is real now? Who is here to support us now? Who will I ask for support from now? What can I do now that will help to relax me?

Staying in the present is something that can be eased through meditation. Just sitting in a chair and focussing our minds on the sensation of our bottoms on a chair and to keep returning to this each time we find ourselves wandering off somewhere else, will help train ourselves to stay in the present.

It is important to train, or actually re-train our minds because when we are stressed it seems as if our minds control us, rather than the other way round. We can start to believe that we cannot do anything about these negative thought processes, and this is reflective of not feeling in control of the situation. However, even if others have control over the disciplinary process, for example, we have control over our mind and what we do with it. Therefore it is better to use our energy by being positive because, even if the worst happens, we are more likely to have the energy to deal with it, rather than being already on our beam ends. Further, the worst may not happen anyway and we have wasted our time in worrying.

Okay, in this example, I have talked about a situation where you believe you are innocent. However, even if you have done something wrong there are still ways to deal with the stress of this. One certain way is to own up to the wrong doing so at least you can live with yourself and not spend your energy trying to cover up something.

On an individual level staying present is, of course, only one way to deal with stress. In addition, measures also need to be taken by the organisation itself to ensure the workforce are supported.

For more information on stress management contact Mountain Associates and see how we can support your workforce: ta@mountain-associates.co.uk

Going The Extra Mile

2007-10-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

During a training the trainer programme we discussed the concept of “going the extra mile”, i.e. doing something extra for a client that was not contracted for. One example, an electrician has a job to put electricity down to a shed at the bottom of a garden. Whilst there the house owner says “Oh, whilst you’re here would you mind just putting up a new light fitting for me?”. The electrician thinks that this is good for business and agrees to do it. It takes half an hour of his time, for which he does not charge, but he is late home that night which is the third night in succession that this sort has happened. At the end of the year when the contractor is questioned by accountant about how many of the give-away jobs are undertaken they tot up the total to a colossal £20,000 in lost revenue and time.

So, is this a good thing or not?

In Transactional Analysis terms we could think of it in terms of script. The script is a life plan that we make as children based on limited life experience. These decisions can have positive or negative affects. When a child hears messages such as “Go on, have a go, I will be there to support you” they are likely to develop confidence and abilities in a range of areas as their belief systems will be about taking calculated risks, being okay if they fail etc. How different this would be to the child who hears “Don’t be stupid, you’ll never be able to do that”. As children we then make decisions based on this limited experience and then, outside our awareness, we live our lives according to those early decisions.

So, let’s get back to the “extra mile”. If I have a contract with an organisation and then, on a number of occasions, they ask me to complete forms that are outside the contract and take up to half an hour of my time, what should I do? If I agree to writing reports for a company at no charge because I think this will be good for Mountain Associates then this may be an effective use of my time and money. However, if I don’t re-contract with the client company it is likely that they have no awareness that I am doing it over and above the original contract so the benefit for Mountain Associates is lost. In effect, I am saying, to the client company, that breaking a contractual boundary is fine and I am likely to end up feeling resentful as a result of the extra unpaid time and effort on my part. In addition the client is also more likely to do this again. On the other hand it may be that I am completing the forms because I think I “should”, not because we have made a business case for doing so. Perhaps my parents expected me to do things for others, or, I found that if I did things for others then they seemed to like me more, it is probable that I may continue to do this even when it is not appropriate.

How many times have you run over on a time boundary legitimising it as offering the client something that other consultants don’t do, or even that your train is not for another hour and you can fit in a bit longer with the client etc. On deeper exploration we can often find we have done so because we believed we “should”, or we wanted to be liked, not because in the here-and-now we firmly believe it is good for our business.

The problem with “going the extra mile” is when we do so in script not because we think it is good for business. The decision does not come from here-and-now Adult ego state and we are discounting ourselves and our value. Add up all the times you have done something because you thought you “should” and check whether you feel resentful.

We need to balance out doing things for free with the business case for doing so. If your exploration into the amount of time and energy you put into “going the extra mile” leaves you severely out of pocket and resentful I would suggest you might be in script.

I am not suggesting however, that there should be a business case made for everything we do for free for others. That is not the point. Businesses thrive on good will and good service. I am sure we can all remember the time a restaurant owner made us something special because of some dietary problem, or a store assistant carried something out to the car, or someone did not charge us for a broken appointment. These instances restore our faith in human nature, let along make good business sense. However, when we do things that are in script this can be bad for business and bad for us, as boundaries get broken which can have a detrimental affect on all concerned. That is why all of us in business for ourselves need to develop an awareness of script and our own script beliefs so that we can be here-and-now in the decision-making processes.

Being Present

2007-09-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

When coaching or training people I frequently find that people are anxious over things that have not yet happened. These anxieties would be eased if people stayed with what is rather than what could happen. For example, the world markets are currently struggling due to the financial crisis in the USA. This situation could apparently lead us into a “bear” situation, that is a situation where markets fall and remain there for the foreseeable future. So, what do most people do – yes, worry. How does that help? They lose sleep at night, become agitated and snappy and decision-making becomes more difficult due to wariness let alone sleepiness. It is different if we consider the appropriate actions we could take and then take them. Worrying never actually got anyone anywhere, except worn out! Staying here and now is one way to avoid worrying.

Eastern philosophies have a lot to teach us about staying present. Meditation teaches us to remain in the moment, ignoring our thoughts which tend to keep us in our heads and out of our bodies. When we are in tune with our selves we are more likely to be in tune with others and with what needs to be done.

Becoming agitated and worried tends serves to move us more into our heads and away from a true sense of ourselves. When we stay with what is, stay connected with others and with our selves then we are more likely to be rested and flexible if / when difficulties do arise. Very often most of the things we have been worrying about don’t happen and yet we may have spent hours being uptight about it, which also wears us out.

Some years ago I read a story about the “precious present” and about a young man who discovered the meaning and the art of being in the present. Being in the present is precious as it holds so much more than the anxiety route. Having goals is great but we can only plan so far. If we hold on too tightly to these goals we can prevent flexibility let alone trust. But how to trust and who to trust? Trust in ourselves is the starting point. Many of us don’t trust. We don’t trust our bodies and what they tell us as we often try to over-ride the information. One way we do this is to rush. Rushing and hurrying up prevents us from getting in touch with now. What do I feel now, what do I think now, what action will I take now? If I don’t get in touch with now how will I know what action I need to take?

Many people are afraid to get in touch with now as they may need to move on from a situation they have been denying for too long. Being in the now is scary for many people as it means saying hello to themselves. It also means really listening to other people and experiencing them in the now, rather than what we project on to them. If I am now I really have to see you and learn who you are, rather than who I want you to be. I have to put all my prejudices and assumptions about others down and be prepared to experience anew. Berne said that “In order to say Hello, you first get rid of all the trash that has accumulated in your head ever since you came home from the maternity ward……..” ( Berne E. 1984, What Do You Say After You Say Hello, p4). This fits with Scott Peck’s theories on communities and relationships –

• Pseudocommunity is when we are conflict avoiding and people can get away with generalisations, and individuals tend to keep their feelings to themselves.
• Chaos is when people attempt to heal or convert others. There is often a vying for leadership. People attempt to Rescue, Persecute of become Victims and this reinforces their view of the world and the situation becomes chaotic.The motivation is to win, as this is about survival for whose norm will prevail. The arguments and struggle go nowhere as participants are not actually listening to each other.
• Emptiness. Other than moving out of the chaos into organisation, the other way to go is through what Peck call emptiness. This is the hardest part and was the point of the chaos stage, which was to resist being here. This is about moving into effective communication and in order to do so then people need to put down their defences. This, for Scott Peck means emptying ourselves of:
o Expectations and preconceptions
o Prejudices, Ideology, Theology and Solutions
o The Need to Heal, Convert, Fix, or Solve
o The Need to Control

• Community. When in this stage the group is quieter and more peaceful. People listen to each other, solve problems and resolve conflicts. Part of the task may be to decide whether to continue or not. Some groups may go back to previous stages and if this occurs it may be easier for some groups to go into authoritarian processes and forget about having a fun in the relationships. In this process they put task and productivity over their individual and the group's development. Whilst this stage offers more happiness it can also be more uncomfortable as conflicts are out in the open, but there is also the willingness to resolve differences. (Scott Peck, 1987, A Different Drum)

So, in their different ways both Berne and Peck both argue for staying in the present. The western culture tends to give recognition to thinking as opposed to feeling and to staying in touch with the now. If we want a more peaceful and healthy life let’s make sure that East meets West and we find ways to say Hello to ourselves and others in the now.

Being Assertive

2007-08-08T08:01:00.001-07:00

Being Assertive

So many times when coaching individuals, or working in teams, people tell me that they cannot be OK with others when others do things that are wrong or when the other person or people treat them as not OK. However, if we treat others as if they are not OK then this is likely to just escalate the difficulty. This happens the world over from the micro to the macro – and where does it get us? It gets us into conflict on a local to an international scale.

Staying OK/OK with ourselves and others means believing that we all have a right to be in the world, it is what we do with those rights that is important.

Transactional Analysis is a method to improve communication and as such it is important to treat others well, even when they are not being so with us. When this occurs we can “cross the transaction”, namely invite them to respond to us in an OK/OK way. For example, I was giving facilitating what the organisation called a “masterclass” on motivation when a participant said very aggressively that I had not mentioned money as a motivator. At this point I had choices – I could become aggressive and respond accordingly, I could become compliant and feel put down, or I could cross his transaction which was from Criticising Mode to my Compliant Mode. I took the latter option and responded from my Accounting Adult mode “No, that’s right, would you like to know how come I haven’t done that?” At this point he either had to say “Yes” or “No”. I was inviting the participant to come and join me in Adult by asking him a question and contracting with him about what he wanted. Having said “Yes” I informed him of my rational and then moved the dialogue from him to other people in the audience and onto another topic. This same participant made similar comments twice more during the seminar and I was able to keep myself and him okay.

There are times when we need to put in the boundary more overtly than I did on that occasion, and at these times we still need to come from an OK/OK place. In this way we can say that someone has gone over a boundary but not ridicule them or be abusive either. In my experience coaching and training leaders and managers as well as working with shopfloor workforce, this ability to keep in relationship, respecting people and yet still be able to discipline people is a must for a productive organisation. This is more likely to encourage loyalty and increase production as everyone experiences fairness and equanimity.

For more on Okayness take a look at our information on TA on our web site.

Getting Buy-In to Decision Making at Work

2007-06-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

How many times at a meeting do you leave wondering if everyone is really going to do what they say they will do?

Here is a brief outline of how to check this out with people.

1. Existence - First clearly outline the issue that has brought about the discussion. Do all parties agree that it needs discussing? If not then the discussion has to be at this level to ensure that everyone is on board with even having the discussion. Without this individuals may sabotage the process.
2. Seriousness - Once everyone agrees that the topic needs discussing then you can move on to the seriousness of the issue i.e. the importance or place it takes at the moment. At this stage, if everyone agrees that there is an issue to discuss and it is sufficiently important then you can move on, if not you will need to return to (1) to ensure that everyone agrees that an issue exists
3. Change Possibilities – Having discussed the issue you can now move on to agreeing what options there are for change. At this stage you will need to check that everyone agrees that change is possible and that there are options. Whilst people rarely say “There are no options” they may well say things like “We’ve tried this before” or “They would never allow that” or other “Yes but….. ” type answers. If this happens you will need to return to the seriousness level and ask questions to establish whether they still agree there is an issue and that it is sufficiently important to take some action about.
4. Personal Ability – This is the stage where you have to decide who will do what and by when. If someone says they will do it, but without conviction, you will need to check their level of commitment or confidence in undertaking the task. Reluctance can lead to sabotage of the process, so ensuring people really do agree to take the action and are motivated is important. If individuals are not willing or confident to take action then the previous levels will need to be returned to.

The point of this checklist is to avoid the tedious outcome where you think you have all agreed something only to find that action is not taken because everyone thought someone else was doing it, they had other priorities, they did not believe change was possible or that they had the ability to do it. Taking time at the meeting is better than waiting six months to find out that nothing has happened.

All of these levels need to considered and discussed in a non-threatening way so people to share their views.

To find out how to improve your communication sign up for our two-day Official Introduction to Transactional Analysis course, to be held on 11/12 September, 2007.

Contact Mountain Associates - www.mountain-associates.co.uk/ta101.html

2007-06-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

Perception and Communication

How we perceive the world affects how we are with others, the decisions we make and how we create what happens to us.

For example, we were recently working in Russia and were taken out to a rather touristy show, some of which was dreadful, but most, interesting. There were Russian folk songs, Cossack dancing and Russian folk music, all of which I thoroughly enjoyed. On talking about the show to our host, Olga, she discussed how much this show bought up memories of her childhood. Her whole village would make the opportunity to sing and dance on the streets. Tables would be brought out and food provided by everyone for everyone. Today this does not happen and Olga was seeing the show through her own eyes and the memories it brought back to her. We, on the other hand were experiencing the performances as examples of Russian folk history and music and because we did not have any personal experiences to go back to purely saw the show in the here and now.

So, what has this to do with work? At work we are all aiming to communicate and very often it goes awry. Often this is because we all have different perceptions of the same issue and even the same experience – just like Olga and I and how we were experiencing the show. Frankie Armstrong, a singer, songwriter, author and performer said that we don’t see “with our eyes we see through our eyes”. We all bring our history, experiences, culture and expectations to the table when we communicate and problem solve. Perhaps if we accepted this fact we might we might be more tolerant and interested in how come the other person thinks or says something rather than trying to beat them over the head with what we believe or think.

Diversity enables us to co-create imaginative responses as long as we are willing to put down our prejudices and expectations and see who is before us.