Roguish Thoughts

30ish...

2009-05-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's nice to know that I made it this far.
I can't imagine how...
hmm...

Words in the wind...

2009-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

Will everything we say fly out the window and catch the drift?
Will our actions forever brand our memories and make them catch fire.
Leaving ashes of sorrow and regret.
What happens when all our tears and screams go unnoticed?

Will anything of this matter in the end?

Suddenly...

2009-03-22T23:15:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, like a wave crashing without warning.
The sudden gust of air lifts me up and makes me tumble in the air.
Like a train-wreck smashing down,
I see twinkles and stars, the realization of a new moment in time,
lost in the most deepest darkest corner of my mind.

Blindsided...

2009-03-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

Out of the corner of my life,
someone who shows up like the sparkle from that fire.
But how will everything go?
Will someone please tell me how this story goes...

How to be cautious about this matter,
the story that repeats with each other.
Could it happen again?
A kiss and a goodbye,
until I see you my friend.

But if we try,
if we try,
we cannot deny
what we know deep inside

Oh the feeling of being blindsided,
something unexpected crashes
our mind jolts with joy
too many sparkles across the board...

Meh, meh... blah!

2009-02-24T00:39:00.001-08:00

Just putting something... Not knowing what to type really. Just filling some space here. A monthly space filling post...

Just so that this month wont feel lonely because I didn't put anything in it. An entry to remind the blog that there is something to put in it. Even if it's just a blabbering post of nothingness...

Still it is occupying some space... so is it really nothing? Or is it just something that is just appearing to be nothing?!? How to take it? How to write it? A nothing or all situation, or maybe it's more like a half-situation... but if that's the case where is the medium?

Where do we draw the line on it?

Hhhhhmmmmm...

How to?

2009-01-09T02:46:00.000-08:00

How to tell that special someone the feeling you have for them...
How to say I love you without feeling rejected...
How to express that someone is always in your thoughts and dreams without having them feel weird about it...
How to apologize for the mistakes in the past...
How to forgive without losing the love of your life...
How to love without remorse...
How to realize that the present is that and nothing else...
How to move on to the best thing ever, which is what you have now...
How to embrace it without any regrets...
How to have reservations about me, and make you realize that it's not about you...
How to tell you that you are everything in my life and I never meant to hurt you the way that I did...

How can I ask you to love me the way you did back when I ask you to kiss me for the first time?

Oh man...

2009-01-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

Can't remember when was the last time I actually wrote on here. Might have been a few minutes ago, or it could have been maybe months... One thing is definitely for sure, things have changed. I have changed, times have definitely changed. It's crazy to see how things can flip at a blink of the eye.

Not much to do, except just keep on moving forward with the times.

Flippin' of the coin

2008-04-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

Seem like every week is like a new flippin' of the coin. You never truly know which side is gonna face up. Is it gonna be the same as last, or are things gonna change?

What IF it lands in the middle? Might seem impossible but it is bound to happen some time. Am I really ready to go out there and face all this uncertainty right now? Prolly not, but then again you never know how you will react until you are thrown into the lions.

It's gonna be a long week... ugh!

A thought...

2008-04-05T02:16:00.000-07:00

Too bad we always forget those little advices...

Those little bits of happiness and sparkles that would make our lives easier...

Why must we never have a pen and paper close to us when we need them?

I guess that's what makes the moment... the excitement and happiness of time!

The moment that you realize is gone, and cherish it in your memory, only to fade away

in the ripples of time...

Monthly Msg...

2008-03-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

Blah!

Still kicking it around here, much happening, not as much writing...

At least not on the digital side...

meh!

Time to check in...

2008-02-27T00:29:00.000-08:00

Well in the long standing tradition(about 3 months or 4)... I now type in the monthly post... Not much too report, well a few things but no biggies. Got bit by a dog, had the flu, bla, bla, bla...

Someday I will write again in my full glory... someday soon...

=oP

Oh! - 8...

2008-01-16T21:40:00.000-08:00

Well not even two weeks into the year and already so much has happened.

Work is pretty good, although very tiring. I'm still trying to adapt to the hours, although not a lot has changed, I'm finding it hard to re-adapt to it. Ugh!

Also a blast from the past surprised me yesterday. It was a good surprise, but definitely I didn't see this one coming(hence... a surprise I guess, duh!). Anyways, yeah M came back and it's good. She brought Eisa back and it definitely brighten my day. It's interesting how someone can have an effect on another person's morale. More than a couple of peeps have told me I look better, even happier and energetic.

What can I say? The return of someone can make a difference...

Yup, it's gonna be an interesting year.

Wow...

2007-12-26T01:18:00.001-08:00

Another monthly post...
Well, at least it's like a sign that I'm still alive and kicking it somewhere huh?
It's funny how things change over time, just a clear example it's this blog. Definitely it's one of the things that I have stopped doing a lot but that doesn't mean that I'm not keeping my thoughts from rambling out and about.

Wow...
Another year has gone by, and it was an interesting one indeed. In an interesting way, I guess I can say that I've grown. Left a lot of old things out there to the wind. Forgetting, but at the same time remembering them as I know that they are part of me, and I'm part of them.

A signature in a frame...
A smile to the wind...
Colors fading away in a stroke of time...
Tears that dried up long before they where ever shed...
Hope in the present,
dreams for the future.

It's gonna be a fun year!

The monthly post...

2007-11-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

Well as it appears the blogger has been demoted to just having a couple of written post per month...

Yeah, yeah, I know I've been busy lately, and also I kinda picked up writing on paper a lot more. But things are ok, the usual ups and downs but I been able to cope with them a lot better.

Looking back on a lot of things this year has definitely been crazy. The best by far, so many down points, and I have been able to overcome them. For the first time in a long time I'm excited to see what the new year is gonna bring.

Of course... I gotta survive the last month of this one first...

=oP

Me and You...

2007-10-14T05:00:00.000-07:00

I never meant
to hurt you tonite...
I never meant
to be so hard when I told you
I've got to move on...

I know you love me
with all of your heart,
But things are not easy and I understand that tonite.

WE might be the best thing
in the world,
but reality just won't let get us be there
right now...

I love you with all of my heart,
but tonite I know you have someone else in your heart...
In your heart...

Either Way

2007-08-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

Many things have been going on lately...
Things change in life, even thought we might not like it, it's something that's always constant. I think the hardest thing is when you can see the change coming and there's nothing you can do to stop it. When you are aware of it, for some reason it becomes even more painful.

Maybe it's because you tend to appreciate things more when they are about to end...
Oh well...
Lyrics to a song which pretty much explains the way I feel as of lately.

Either Way
by: Wilco

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won't feel so afraid
I will try to understand
Either way

Maybe you still love me
Maybe you don't
Either you will or you won't
Maybe you just need some time alone
I will try to understand
Everything has it's plan
Either way
I'm gonna stay
Right for you

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won't be so afraid
I will understand everything has it's plan
Either way

Bits and pieces...

2007-07-31T02:39:00.000-07:00

Found somewhere...
So true, in all the wrong ways...

"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When
you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to
provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or
make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They
usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to
accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use
in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love
is blind but friendship is clairvoyant."

...yet so important in life.

Hhhhmmm...

2007-07-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

Just dawned on me...

I got...

...no girlfriend!
...no money!
...unresolved problems left and right.
...bad ankle.
...bad knee.
...a job that's taking me nowhere.
...no food in the house.
...no plans for the future(at least not anymore).
...no direction in life...

BUT...

hey at least I'm keeping positive and have confidence that things will turn out for the better right?!?

=oP

Long time, no see...

2007-07-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a long while since I've put anything on here... A lot of things have happened in the meantime and I don't know where to start...

I don't think I want to start writing about it, I mean definitely not right now... maybe it's the fear of uncertainty in the coming future. Maybe it's something that it's so painful and personal, that I can't share it right now...

Whatever the reason there is definitely a lot of things I gotta work out. A lot of personal, deep emotional scars which I have to overcome and resolve. It's hard but I have to find a way to clear my mind every once in a while so that I don't get overwhelmed.

Deep inside I know things are gonna be ok, but there's always that little flicker of uneasiness which stick in the back of my mind. I guess that's one of the reasons as to why I'm losing a lot of sleep lately...

I'm confused at times, I feel helpless... There are times definitely when I feel alone and anxious... But I recover, I know that I'm stronger than that and I've overcome a lot of bumps on the road.

I will be ok!

=o)

Everything will float on alright!!!

2007-05-24T04:17:00.000-07:00

Yup!

I do believe it!
Everything happens for a reason, and things will get better...

I know... things the last time I wrote anything on the blog things have been pretty much fucked up!!!

Let's see... Dad past away... M left for her adventure around the world... I almost broke my ankle... M's car got towed because of my fault(pretty much!)... This session at Acro has been shit!!!(I haven't been there half of it!)

Pretty much my life has come down to the lowest point at all... I've been trying to keep everything moving and trying to keep it at a high point, but it's just hasn't been working...

I wish M would be here by my side...
I wish my dad would be be alive and more supportive, and tell me that everything will be alright...
I wish my grannie would bitch me out because things are not alright...
I wish M would be a fucking bitch because I'm not responsible at all...(although I know this will never happen because she believes in me...)

...I know my life has a bigger meaning...

I need to find out what it is...

it's hard but I won't give up... I know I will find it...

I know I can get the car out...
I know M will come back and we can make this work...
I know I will face my biggest fear...
I know our kids will be superstars, and will overcome any obstacle...
I know we are meant to be together, and although I have been wrong before, this time I know that it's the right one...

By the way... thanks for believing in me Jodie... Thanks for trusting your kids to me... even thought I'm the biggest fuck up, I appreciate it. I have to admit that it's still a mystery why so many ppl trust me with their kids. I don't know anything about them... I just try my best to be one of them... I'm just trying to find happiness among them... I guess I'm just trying to be a big kid among them all...

Sad, but that's my life...

I'm a failure after all... just like my father.

Some month!

2007-03-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

Yup I've had crazy months during my life time, but none like this past one...

As this one is coming to an end there's lot of things that can be said. There were a lot of good times, and bad times. Just a roller coaster ride emotionally, mentally, and physical.

Let's do a small recap shall we:

For a moment there I though I was gonna leave my job, and although it's kind of a hard place to be, I gotta admit that I love working with the kids.

Bad news from home, as my dad is gravely ill... No word yet on what's gonna happen, but it sounds as if things are really bad.

I've been plague by injuries as the knee hurts every once in a while, and a nagging ankle sprained has kept me in pain for most of the latter part of the month.

At least I've found someone who's definitely made my life a little easier in Emma. We have been going out for a month now, and things are great. This has been the one bright spot in this month, and pretty much through the year.

Hhhhmmmmm... even thought it's been pretty tough I have to say that just being around Em has been great. It's someone who's bringing a lot of positive things into my life, it's something that has been way overdue and I'm happy that I found her at this time.

It's refreshing to have her around, and I gotta admit that it makes me really happy as well.

=oP

Random Post!

2007-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well I'm just killing time and since I haven't put anything I just thought a small posting of eerrrr... something would work out just fine...

That is, if I had something to talk about... well actually I do have a lot of things I can talk about. A lot has happened these past couple of weeks and even though some of them have been mentally draining, I think they have been for the best.

I do believe that things happen for a reason and these recent events have definitely brought up better things(so far!). There's still a lot of things that need to unfold in the next couple of months but for now things are good.

As I said earlier to one of my co-workers: "Today is much better than yesterday... and definitely worse than tomorrow!"

=oP

The lost cause...

2007-02-26T00:16:00.000-08:00

Yup, apparently the blog has become the lost cause these past couple of months. Funny, because this was a way to relieve myself of any thoughts or random things which would be inside my head...

Oh well, whatever...

Anyhow let's see, today we where able to pull a last second tie in the indoor league and we manage to save one point. At least we are still the only undefeated team, for what it's worth. It came at a cost though as I rolled my ankle and it hurts like a mofo.

On other news the countdown has started and I only got a few weeks left at Acro. Now I'm wondering what the fuck I'm gonna do. Oh well, I guess I'll just go with the flow and see where that takes me. I would be worried, but it's been something I've done before and so far, hhhmmmm... let's just say it hasn't been that bad.

I'm trying not to think about the next couple of weeks, since I know that they are gonna be pretty tough, both mentally and emotionally. It's never easy I guess...

Meh!

=oP

End of an era...

2007-02-22T23:31:00.000-08:00

Well I made up my mind finally... Tomorrow I'm gonna give my notice at Acro and I'm finally gonna move on. Where to is the question now...

Hhhmmmm... the next xouple of months are gonna be very interesting indeed...

=oP

Trying not to fade away...

2007-02-21T02:33:00.000-08:00

Been some time since I've put anything here... There's so many thing I could write about right now, but I'm so tired... So many subjects that I could try to bring upon and just spill my thoughts onto, but not now. I'm just trying to take it all in, and somehow make everything seem like it's gonna be alright.

After all, things happen for a reason right? We learn from every experience and we always try to hope that they will lead to a better situation... Or at least that's what I'm trying to convince myself into thinking...

I've never been so lost... I've never been so uncertain about the future...

It sucks, but like all the things that have happened before, all I can do is just suck it up, and keep on moving forward...

After all, that's what make me the person that I am.