The Daily Scatter

Nicole Kidman To Sue Make-Up Artist

2009-12-17T14:47:00.006Z

Hollywood starlet Nicole Kidman was left embarrassed and horrified when photographers snapped her on the red carpet for the premiere of her latest film with her face made up like Krusty the Clown.

A spokesman for the leading lady said there'd been a quarrell between the legendary actress and her make-up artist (over the nail polish she was wearing not entirely matching her lipstick and why couldn't she find the exact shade exactly?) but refused to go into details.

However, a source close to the Australian superstar mother-of-three, said that time ticked away so fast, Ms Kidman didn't have time to check her reflection before the limo arrived and was unaware of her make-up artist's stitch-up job.

Thankfully, the argument between Tom Cruise's ex-missus and her make-up artist didn't escalate to the make-up artist's sister, who is Ms Kidman's dresser, and the Aussie red-head was her usual immaculately turned out self in other areas, wearing a fetching oversized pair of bright red stripey trousers and braces ensemble, courtesy of designer to the stars, Zandra Rhodes.

Cheques to be Written off by 2018

2009-12-16T16:15:00.023Z

The UK Payments Council has announced that cheques will be gradually phased out over the next eight years. The 15-strong body, comprising members of the banking industry but funnily enough no pensioners who prefer a paper based system, or account holders who are completely incompetent when it comes to looking after their debit card, or electricians who worry about the implications during a power cut, since supermarkets are already incapable of taking your money during one, said cheques were in "long-term, terminal decline".

Chief executive Paul Smee said: "There are many more efficient ways of making payments than by paper in the 21st century, and the time is ripe for the economy as a whole to reap the benefits of its replacement."

"Which is what, exactly?" Asked our financial correspondent Arthur Crown.

"Ah, well, we haven't quite thought that far ahead yet," replied the Chief Exec. "That's why it's going to take eight years. At the moment, it's looking like myself and my colleagues will be running some kind of express courier system and transferring cash between small businesses and their customers who would normally pay by cheque."

"Isn't that what Securicor do?"

"Well, yes, but on a much smaller scale of course."

"So we're going back to cash then?"

"What, no, no, of course not. I'm sure it'll all work out to everyone's satisfaction."

"So we're going back to cash then? We've already gone back to keeping it under our mattresses."

"I assure you ..."

"Assure me when you've actually thought it through. This is Arthur Crown, for the Daily Scatter, from the Headquarters of the know-it-all smug bastards on the Payment Council."

Capello Wants Egypt and Mexico

2009-12-15T23:04:00.006Z

England manager, Fabio Capello, is not content with conquering the hallowed sports desks in the UK, winning the Coaching Award at the recent BBC Sports Review of the Year. After leading England to victory by way of a place in the final 32 of the World Cup in 2010 and thereby living up to our minimum expectations, Fabio Capello has now set his sights on the Egyptian and Mexican versions.

With the threat of having to return the UK award if our national team don’t actually win in South Africa next year, Capello figures he'd do well to have back up trophies in place.

How exactly he plans to convince the overseas footballing associations of his credentials for winning their awards remains to be seen, but as Rooney himself said: Capello is the key.

With the Egyptian and Mexican teams ranked below England’s international rating, the criteria for winning the awards would appear to be a) Capello passing tactics and scripts for appropriate team talks to his Egyptian counterpart, so that they might hopefully make it to the finals next time and b) Progressing further than Mexico.

A tired old sports hack slumped in a pub corner, justified the selection of Capello as Coach of the Year in the face of all the coaches and managers who'd actually won something, by saying they had to take potential into account. He then slipped off the stool and slid under the table.

GB Economy in Crisis

2009-12-14T19:34:00.008Z

As Alistair Darling informs Prime Minister Gordon Brown that he went for a double or quits 'Girl Power' accumulator bet with Paddy Power, on Ali Bastian and Stacey Solomon to win Strictly Come Dancing and the X-Factor respectively.

Sunday Supplement: Vigilantes Getting Younger?

2009-12-13T21:26:00.001Z

When two armed robbers entered a cafe mid-morning one Saturday, they figured on a docile response to their demands; families sharing quality time over an all-day breakfast; tired workmen, fresh from an all night shift. What they didn’t bargain for was the heroic actions of a have-a-go-hero taking them by surprise.

As they passed his table, a nondescript young lad of around nine years old, according to eye-witnesses, suddenly jumped up, brandishing the cafe’s squeezy bottle of tomato ketchup in one hand and squeezy bottle of brown sauce in the other.

The would be robbers turned to see why there were gasps of surprise and the boy leapt into action, squirting both robbers square in the face with the sauces, causing them to drop their weapons in shock. Fellow diners then joined in and dived into the fray, pinning the robbers to the floor while waiting for the police to arrive.

The boy, now dubbed ‘The Ketchup Kid’, did not stay to give his details and Police have asked anyone with any information on him to come forward. The owners of the cafe itself are also keen to contact the boy, to reward him for his actions in protecting them and their customers. So far, all they’ve received is a handwritten note:

“It is enough to know that I serve a higher purpose; I need not of Lego or Wii games. I am Justice! I am Revenge!”
KK.

PS. I wouldn’t mind a new bike, mine got nicked.

The Saturday Environmental Review: The Copenhagen Summit

2009-12-12T13:42:00.008Z

Green campaigners are still insisting this week that global warming is a very real and present danger. Even with irrefutable evidence against the notion, supplied by Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, via a snapshot from her own kitchen window, the rest of the world has taken it on board and will decide, in due course, hopefully within the next decade or two and certainly before the Polar bears are extinct, what further action may be required. If any.

David Attenborough has said he will be happy to discuss the matter further and would be delighted to meet Sarah Palin halfway. Halfway down a dark alley, preferably.

Health and Safety Officers Raid Craft Shops

2009-12-11T17:57:00.013Z

In an unprecedented move today, officials from the Health and Safety Executive raided Hobbycraft and other stationers, removing vast amounts of tubes of glitter, worth approximately two million pounds on the high street.

A statement issued by the Home Secretary said that the use of glitter by children had been banned after much consultation with paediatrics, social workers and floor covering manufacturers, as it became apparent that the stuff was a bugger to hoover off a carpet once trodden in. Also, tests showed that specks falling between the slats in wooden flooring were causing the floor to rot, with the result that cases of the condition 'Underlay Feet' had seen an increase by 200%, as floorboards gave way, leaving feet trapped in that yucky green stuff underneath.

The Government action was met with dismay by parents and teachers alike, as many children looked forward to making their own Christmas cards at this time of year, which kept them amused and, more importantly, quiet, for hours on end.

Mick Brookes, the General Secretary of the National Association of Head Teachers, said the organisaton would fight the ban, stating: "If we don't stand our ground now ... well, before you know it, they'll stop me popping the grandkids on the back of the motorbike. And they love being roadies for the band at the weekend. We have to make a stand."

Director Defends Movie Pirate

2009-12-10T14:57:00.023Z

New Moon director Chris Weitz has defended the antics of faded movie stuntwoman Samantha Tumpach that landed her in jail for two days.

The 93 year old bodydoubled for Hollywood leading ladies in most of the major motion pictures about pirates in the golden age of movies but celebrations got out of hand when filming a surprise birthday party for her 89 year old sister, at a special screening of Twilight sequel, New Moon. Ms Tumpach tried to recreate the swashbuckling moves that saw her in such high demand for films such as Against All Flags, where she doubled for the lovely Maureen O'Hara, Anne of the Indies featuring feisty Jean Peters and the exotic Yvonne de Carlo in Buccaneer's Girl, but only succeeded in breaking her hip, as she attempted a triple somersault off the screen's gantry, bringing the entire lot crashing down onto the front row of the audience and flipping into the ice cream vendor's tray.

Her sister and friends used to join Samantha on the sets of the films she starred in and hadn't seen the like of the handsome and topless young actors for nigh on sixty years. Having sneaked some rum into the cinema, where New Moon was being premiered in their home town in Illinois, the combination of the rum, the canvas screen reminding them of sails and the sight of the nubile Mr Pattinson tipped them over the edge of their seats, joining Samantha in the front row.

The ice-cream vendor, 72, was said to be recovering nicely.

RSPCA Accused of Cruelty to Celebrities

2009-12-08T14:40:00.010Z

The Welsh RSPCA have been accused of cruelty to celebrities, by beginning legal action against new King of the Jungle, Gino Di Campo, and fellow campmate Stuart Manning, for catching and killing a rat to eat - even though they were in full view of the show's producers and Australian advisers, who could have stepped in immediately to stop them!

Viewers of the popular reality show fronted by this generation's Morecombe and Wise, Ant and Dec, saw the exiled camp tuck heartily into the rat-atouile made by chef Gino, when their meagre rations threatened to leave them incapacitated for the trials that could save them from elimination.

"It's too ridiculous for words," claimed a show insider. "The celebs eat live grubs and insects all the time, not to mention treading thousands underfoot during the trials. I bet the RSPCA never give Ray Mears or Bear Grylls any trouble."

It's true that neither Ray Mears nor Bear Grylls have been prosecuted for animal cruelty, however, the Canadian branch of the RSPCA did investigate whether the latter was a delicacy conjured up by the aforementioned Mr. Mears.

Auditions Open for 2010 Britain's Got Talent.

2009-12-07T17:31:00.008Z

Sunday Art Supplement: The Turner Prize Nominations

2009-12-06T17:31:00.026Z

The nominatons are in and have been in residence at the Tate Britain since October. However, for the first time since it's inception, the artists have been questioned as to just how creative they are, bearing in mind the titles given to their work of art. Apart from David Henry's Lost Sock (left) the other nominees have been strangely uncreative when it comes to naming their submissions.

Roger Thorns has also been criticised for his masterpiece, An Art Less Titled (left) making use of Lego - since workers at Lego themselves provided the blue print for this as they do for all their other designs and Thorns' peers remain unconvinced that he deserves his place.

As for Lucy Skidder's The Road to Titledom, (left) comparisons have been made with Tracey Eminem's Uncooked Pasty, in that it seems to be the work of a lazy cow, one however, able to draw inspiration from one's surroundings with unnerving accuracy.

Finally, Richard Left's Title-Schmitle (left) was praised for it's simplicity of lines and perfectly balanced symmetry of life, with his trademark touch of surrealism.

The winner will be announced on December 7th, until then, spend a fortune travelling to London to view this eclectic collection, many examples of which you could actually find in any good junk shop near home.

Saturday Music Review: Rihanna's Struggle To Record

2009-12-05T15:13:00.042Z

R'n'B megastar Rihanna found it tough to record her latest album 'Rated R' because of the lyrical closeness to the many troubles she was experiencing in her life during it's recording.

A source close to the beautiful singer said it was a difficult time for her but felt that it added a whole new dimension to some of the songs, as she poured her heart and soul into it, even though, at times, she was forced to leave the studio when overcome by emotion.

Rihanna said: "It's the closest album to me, to my heart. I opened up a lot on it and got a little vulnerable and let my emotions out on it. Everything's documented on the album." Only now can she listen to it all through without crying. She said: "I'm able to listen back to it now but in the beginning it was really weird. I couldn't listen to demos or anything. It was too deep for me. I kept leaving the studio when people wanted to listen to the songs."

Our resident music guru, Lil Edna Slippers checked it out and found that the album could well resonate with most of the record buying public.

1. Mad House - We've all been there, the olds call and say the car's broken down and can you go and bring them back from the boot fair they went to fifty miles away; the kids aren't up and you're wearing paint stained holey jogging bottoms and are halfway through the back wall in the living room.

2. Wait Your Turn - Boxing Day Sales at Bluewater. 'Nuff said.

3. Hard featuring Jeezy - it was, he wouldn't keep still. They didn't even get round to titling the track. Don't have him back.

4. Stupid In Love - the struggles to hold something back for later, but, when it comes to chocolate ... we've all been there.

5. ROCKSTAR 101 featuring Slash - it's the smell, it takes forever to get rid. Why can't he use the loo like normal people?

6. Russian Roulade - like normal roulade but covered in fur. Even Gordon Ramsey would weep.

7. Frie Bomb - it's not often you go for a Maccy D's but when you do, it'd be nice to eat it in peace and not spend the lunch time picking potato out of your barnet.

8. Rude Boy - the next door neighbour's little brat, his footballs, your fence, his hand signals.

9. Photographs featuring will.i.am - how a respected musician and singer can be such a pain in the backside, by jumping into every shot; everyone wishes he'd just GROW UP!

10. G4L11. Te Amo - the issues we all have with predictive text.

12. Cold Case Love - Finally, the Waking the Dead episode we all wanted to see: Grace and Boyd getting it on.

13. The Last Song On This CD - laziness, the deadliest of the seven sins and how anyone can be affected by it.

A lasting reminder of the trails and tribulations we can all face during our time on this earth, add it to your Christmas list and do your family a favour by playing it, loudly, all over the remainder of the festive season - they'll love you for it.

Walsh Confirms Jedward Deal

2009-12-04T10:34:00.007Z

Having realised what an albatross around his neck (the one he stuck out when he put them through to the live final) the Jedward phenomena has become, Louis Walsh has struck a deal with a Russian crime lord to make them disappear.

The crime lord, whose identity Louis refused to divulge, is said to bankrolling the next series of Channel Four's flagship show Celebrity Big Brother and has practically demanded that the Irish lads be a part of it, to up the standard of celebrities taking part from 'z' list to 'y' list.

An insider at Louis' management company said he was thrilled with the deal, and was hoping that by the time Jedward got out of the Big Brother house - following a mammoth six month run - they'll have forgotten all about a singing career.

Gillette Chairman: "I just give up!"

2009-12-03T20:28:00.008Z

The marketing team at Gillette is in disarray tonight, after it was disclosed that superstar tennis player Roger Federer is a cross dressing karaoke addict who eats dog food from a cat bowl, while dressed as Dame Edna Everage, much to his wife's obvious distress.

It's the final straw in a previously fantastically successful campaign that featured the cream of sporting superstars from around the world: Former Arsenal and French soccer God Thierry Henry, now under investigation for being a cheating bastard, and US golfing sensation Tiger Woods, now under investigation for being a cheating bastard.

Gillette are understood to now be ready to offer England stars David Beckham, Frank Lampard and Wayne Rooney the lucrative contract instead.

Late Celebs Shocking Antics Caught on Camera!

2009-12-02T12:43:00.009Z

Shocking film has come to light of iconic tragic screen superstar Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana, in a private get together filmed by a close friend, who wishes to remain anonymous.

The late star is seen to take one huge, almighty drag out of the roll-up, pressed into her hands by an unknown person. Her fan club are said to be horrified that this film has passed into the mainstream and devastated that some people will use this to back up ideas that their idol may have taken other drugs during her time in the spotlight.

It's the latest in the scandal rocking Hollywood, where so called "friends" are cashing in on their deceased mates and earning a fortune from private memories of their wrong-doing, with no apparent legal comeback on account of their "friend" being with us no longer.

Iconic tragic rebel without a cause, James Dean, has been shown kicking a cat in his front garden, leading to an outbreak of concern from animal rescue groups, who said that the neighhbour's cat using your garden as a toilet is no excuse for that sort of behaviour, which is what happened on this occasion.

And family of the iconic tragic singing legend Elvis Presley were equally appalled when footage was leaked of Elvis apparently getting away without paying for a complete hamburger, during a quick pit-stop with his road crew. The film clearly shows him counting his change and then smirking, mouthing the words: "She counted it wrong, she's given me ten cents too much. Quick, leg it."

Dancing With The Stars Joanna Krupa Gets Her Puppies Out For The Boys

2009-12-01T13:25:00.005Z

Shock For Strictly as Celebs Join Freemasons?

2009-11-30T12:57:00.021Z

Eagle eyed, and yet, somehow shortsighted, fans have been saying it for months, but it has finally come to the attention of BBC producers that their contestants, whilst waiting backstage in Tess' area when she is interviewing, are constantly making signals to unknown and possibly unsavoury characters.

The latest in a long line of bizarre incidents to have dogged the show, had Ricky Whittle making a secret signal in the form of a 'C' shape, which was immediately taken by the on-line OddsOnBetSomeoneWillWinEventually company, that Ricky is ready to give up and allow Chris Hollins safe passsage to the final, this being a sign to his Masonry friends to put all their money on Hollins.

This follows the alleged and as yet, unsubstantiated rumours that Laila Rouass was seen winking - yes, winking - directly at camera three during her own interview in full view of everybody! Her professional partner, ballroom king Anton Du Beke, defended his partner's unladylike behaviour, saying it was perfectly all right to wink at camera three when you fancied the pants off the cameraman. He then covered his mouth and went: "Oops, did I say that? I was kidding, you know what I'm like, ha ha ha."

"It's getting out of hand," stated Dave Arch, the musical director, although it's unclear if he was answering a question related to the controversy or merely responding to a dropped-packet-of-crisps-in-a-tuba situation in the band pit.

Ali Bastian was also said to be seen by someone, who wished to remain anonymous and who said they only half glanced briefly enough to see a blonde person, but it must have been Ali because who else could it have been and they didn't have to prove anything, just start the rumour, thank you very much, because it's their opinion and they're entitled to it, to drop the crisps into the band pit in the first place and that this was a signal to the wardrobe department to fit her up with a pair of flat shoes, like Natalie C, because that would be sure to give her an advantage, what with her broken leg and all.

Along with the blatant nose thumbing given to James Jordan by the said Chris Hollins, who's been making Mrs Jordan scream in ecstasy every Saturday night and Natalie Lowe's blatant Australianism, continually shown in the form of her competing competitively in the competition every week, it's no wonder that Strictly is losing out to X-Factor in the ratings battle.

Sunday Supplement: Are some 'green' decisions good for all?

2009-11-29T12:40:00.013Z

We all know we should do more for the planet, with environmental concerns affecting countries across the globe, but a new protection group has sprung up defending the humble coco pops right to make it home in a shoppers bag, without being crushed by a six pint plastic bottle of milk.

Cereal Realists Against Persecution have blasted supermarkets for introducing paper bags to carry home their own brand cereals instead of cardboard boxes. The best known brands however, were praised for putting the interests of their cereals first and sticking with their trademark cardboard boxes.

"Our concerns also have the backing of parents, " stated a spokesman for the Realists. "Where else would they get the materials for school art projects if it wasn't for the cardboard packaging found in our store cupboards? How many robots would lie half unmade, lacking the very body at the heart of their design?"

However, the Campaign for the Reduction of Abundant Packaging has hit back at the Realists, saying that failure of all the main brands to act on the supermarkets initiative would have a catastrophic effect on a global scale.

"Which is all very well," said a Mrs. Gruel as she left her local shop recently. "But I tried buying my Oatybreak in a bag but I snagged the trolley as I left, the milk tipped, the bag ripped and before I knew it I was knee deep in porridge. And don't even get me started on my clusters. We're all against excess packaging, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere."

Saturday Review: Keeping it in the showbiz family

2009-11-28T14:23:00.017Z

How far will a showbiz agent go to find the next big superstar? Not very far, according to a Variety magazine report which shows that agents are quite often going no further than an existing star's home to discover the next big thing.

Since the days of the Osmonds, The Jacksons and the Partridge Family, relatives of big names have cashed in on agents laziness. Witness twin brothers Nigel Lythgoe (top right) and Frank Skinner (left) - would Nigel have got his big break if it hadn't been for Frank staking a spot in the limelight with partner David Baddiel all those years ago?

So it comes as no surprise to find out that X-Factor popster Joe McEelderry is actually the long lost son of mentor Cheryl Cole, 37. Just think of those melting brown eyes and glossy thick hair and you wonder how the news managed to stay quiet for so long. Apart from Joe inheriting his father's voice, the likenesses are totally apparent when you point them out.

ITV bosses naturally tried to keep the news from Cheryl, who had no idea she had a long lost son. Pop Svenagli Simon Cowell said he'd known all along, but decided it was in Cheryl's own interest not to know, lest she showed any bias towards Joe in any way.

It was private detectives, hired by Cheryl's agent to follow up a piece of completely unadulterated gossip by an old neighbour of the Tweedy's, who discovered the truth of Joe's birth. They quickly advised Starmaker Simon, who ensured a smooth path into the X-Factor live shows for the boy who will become his new protege.

Motorists Hit by Parking Fines

2009-11-27T16:33:00.009Z

Mr. Fines was subsequently charged with public order offences and will appear at Kensington and Chelsea Magistrates Court next week.

Jetman - Accident or Sabotage?

2009-11-26T19:18:00.010Z

Stelios Haji-Ioannou of Easyjet has denied his company were behind the failure of Swiss 'Jetman' Yves Rossy, to fly solo using a single jet-propelled wing between Africa and Europe.

Rossy set off from Morocco but ditched in the Straights of Gibralter after a problem developed with his right hand wing.

Knowing that Stelios always has an a eye on the competition, Easyjet's detractors were quick to point the finger at the low budget airline's boss, who was said to be developing his own low-cost jetpacks to cut the cost of air travel even further.

A source close to Stelios said it was a "ridiculous" idea to suggest that the airline had anything to do with the Jetman's failure and queried why anyone would think they were. Eye witnesses on the ground in the Sahara Desert however, report seeing a "big orange and white bird" apparently skim the Jetman just after take off. Aviation investigators are set to investigate.

Potter Star in Stage Rage

2009-11-25T19:57:00.011Z

Winky, the former disgraced Hogwarts house elf, has once again fallen foul of critics and fans alike in the West End, as she jumped from the stage and threw herself at an audience member following the final curtain on her latest play.

Playing the love interest of Gollum in the stage production of Smeagol's Lot, the new Alan Ayckbourn play at the Duke of York's theatre in London's West End, the role was seen as a breakthrough for the recovering alcoholic.

However, it appears that though the addiction to Butterbeer is under control, the tiny star is still drinking heavily, having replaced the scarce make-believe drink with Smirnoff Ice.

A theatre insider said: "It got worse of course, when Dobby died, and she was thrown out of Hogwarts but we hoped the worst of it was over."

Winky was discovered by the playwright in a doorway of the theatre one day, and he immediately saw her potential as Gollum's mate and invited her to audition. After winning many fans with her portrayal of the besotted creature, it now looks as though her love affair with the stage may be just a brief encounter.

Price Quits Jungle for Strictly!

2009-11-24T10:35:00.011Z

The sensational news broke today that Katie Price had only agreed to take part in I'm A Celebrity Get Me out of Here, on the condition that she be immediately released from the contract, should any celebrities drop out of Strictly Come Dancing.

With Jade Johnson unable to continue due to her injury, BBC producers have brought in their substitute Katie, who will dance with Jade's devastated partner, Ian Waite, to ensure the competition stays on track for a three couple final. A spokesman stated:

"Of course we had a contingency plan for if this situation occurred - as it has the previous three series - and we took the decision to sign up a reserve contestant, to be brought in at the quarter final stage when two completely new dances would be performed, thus putting the new contestant on a level playing field. We're delighted Katie has honoured her commitment to us; Ian is thrilled to bits to be able to continue."

The two new dances were unveiled on Saturday - Pole Dancing, with Ricky Groves - now back in his day job - brought in to mentor the couples - and a group Dark Morris Dance, although some people have questioned the wisdom of giving amateurs bloody great big sticks to bash around. An insider commented: "Let's be honest, some of 'em can't even stand up straight just holding their partners, let alone props."

But the word from the training room is that the group dance is shaping up to be one of the best ever, and that the male celebrities in particular, are thrilled with the opportunity to wear feathers and bells.

Space Station Instruments Go On Display

2009-11-23T15:59:00.020Z

Two instruments that served aboard the European Space Station for more than 15 years have gone on display in the Barbican Centre in London. The pristine trumpet and violin, kept in fine condition by the zero gravity atmosphere, have pride of place in the iconic venue's Art Gallery and are already attracting fascinated visitors.

Of all the staff sent to the space station, it was decided that at least one of the astronauts had to have a grade eight in one or other of the instruments to ensure that lessons could be given. It is hoped that in due course, astronauts will have enough training to stage the very first classical concert on the moon.

The two instruments have been replaced by a grand piano and a xylophone, and Mezzo Soprano Katherine Jenkins has been invited to train as a cosmonaut, in order to deliver some vocal training and thus ensure a choir can accompany the orchestra in the lunar recital.

Sunday Supplement: The maternity breakthrough favoured by celebrity mums.

2009-11-22T09:39:00.021Z

Coleen Rooney has revealed she had help in ensuring her labour was as quick and painless as possible - Asda's vibrating rubber Passion Panties! She has subsequently recommended them to many of her social circle, and the giant retailer have had to place an order for at least two dozen more pairs!

Wayne's wife was doing the weekly shop in the Hulme branch, and had been wearing the panties on and off for a couple of weeks to stimulate Baby Kai to get a move on - but he chose the most inopportune moment to stage his arrival. As Coleen frantically called Rooney to her side, she struggled to switch off the battery operated panties, so that attending paramedics found the black imitation leather knickers still buzzing when they arrived.

As the face of Asda for some time now, it was fitting that it was one of their own brand products that had the desired effect on Coleen, although a spokesman for Asda said, with a completely straight face: "We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already."

The panties were originally designed by former Asda chief Archie Norman and it's this kind of forward thinking from the ex-Tory MP that has led ITV to bring him on board as the new Chief Executive.