Minkster: Life Is An Eternal Quest

Heaven's Ground

2008-09-25T23:15:00.000-07:00

“As humans we tend to focus on the immediate. Yet all the while, God is orchestrating the entirety of our lives, using specific details, specific people, specific circumstances, specific words. We tend to look at one piece of the puzzle, while God sees the whole picture as well as the detailed specifics within each piece. We see things in black and white, while God sees things in panoramic color.” John Hull and Tim Elmore from Pivotal Praying

Last night, I was watching the sky from my room around 9 o’clock. Since I’m on the 3rd floor, it is much closer to the heaven’s ground and I could see things clearer. As I searched the dark blue canvas, I was struck at how God’s mighty hands are still moving. The clouds were lazily rolling, the cold silver stars were glittering, and the colors were painted in different shades.

It was a comforting reminder to me that even though all of the things in this world go wrong, He, who is existed, has already drawn out the plans for our lives. And we just have to be submissive to His will by being obedient. While we’re performing the tasks He’s given us to do, we’re assured that God is actually the One who carries out those plans for His glory. I love the chorus from a song called “In Me” by Casting Crowns .

“Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me”

When we’re suffocating from the polluted sinful world and being caught in the whirlpool of busyness, it is the time God demands us to lift our bowed head up and inhale deeply the sweet fragrance of His love.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

H-O-M-E

2008-09-14T01:19:00.000-07:00

When I was young, when someone talked about home, my mind would suddenly picture a big white house with orange roof, an apple tree and a swing at its side. It's said that sometimes children's drawing speaks louder than their words. As a child, every time I drew a picture of home, in spite of different backgrounds (sky, mountains, beach, etc.), it'd always include a house, an apple tree, a swing AND 3 people.

As I grew up, the definition of home has changed from time to time. To me, and likely most of the people, home is where your heart dwells. Though I might be living in a shack or in a deep jungle, I could be home if my heart is there. Where is my heart at the present?

I'm not sure if heart and intimacy are the same, but at least there seems to be some related connection between these two words. One thing I'm strongly certain about, though, is that there can be heart and intimacy when one is engaged in another person's life.

Intimacy is defined as a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group (www.dictionary.com).As I've sojourned on this life of Christianity, I've experienced a lot of defining moments where I feel like home: munching the still-hot homemade cookies with friends, sitting cross-legged on the floor with children drawing pictures or playing games, laughing over the delicious Chicken and cashew nut at Mr.Sombats', snuggling in my mom's arms though it is 32 degree outside, fighting over a toy with my sisters, cleaning GES 2nd floor at 3 in the morning with the girls and almost nodding my head off while watching my friend washing her bathub, lying on my back while seeking warmth for my feet under my friend's cool feet under the cold starry night, getting so squished in a taxi that there was almost no space for air, discussing deep in bible study for 3 hours or simply worshipping God without any musical instruments. The list could keep going on. One thing I notice in all these things, again, is there's ALWAYS people involved.

My heart is in the people whom God created. It is where my home on earth is. Those memories, though not fancy or exotic, are the places where intimacy with another living soul was created. Paul Brand, a world-renowned orthopaedic specialist and leprosy surgeon, "expresses the guiding principle of his medical career this way: ' The most precious possession any human being has is his spirit - his will to live, his sense of dignity, his personality. Though technically we may be concerned with tendons, bones, and nerve endings, we must never lose sight of the person we are treating.'" (Soul Survivor by Yancey).

God sent His Spirit to be among His people. In you, in me, there is the heart of the Sacred Love that nothing in this world can seperate us from. I now begin to see a glimpse of the eternal home as my heart is entwined with His people's spirits. One of the most untalented gifts I have is drawing. And if you ask me to draw a picture of home again, it'd probably still be the same with the plain-looking white house with orange roof, an apple tree and people - only that it'll not be just 3 people anymore but it'd be added to 10, 50, 100 or even 1,000.

Mink

"I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love." John 15:9-10 (The Message)

Little by Little

2008-08-18T03:11:00.000-07:00

A lot of times, as busyness has become a major part of my day, I tend to forget the main purposes of life. The initial passion for others died down while my selfishness increased. How pride and self-pitiness are the perfect mixture of a soul's destruction!

I've been inwardly suffering from the mentally paralyzed state. Before I came up to work at Compassion, I seemed to be one of the "key" people who was trusted to be involved in critical matters. I was there to help others, not to be helped. Somehow God has recently flipped my script upside down.

It's been very frustrating to me that I'm not in the place where I can do things as conveniently as I used to. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm partly paralyzed. Everyday as I watch my professional co-workers perform their tasks, I can't help but feeling envious. Though it seems forever to me, it has been nothing but a month and a half since my first day with this organization. While other people are harvesting, I'm just beginning to learn how to plant.

Sigh.

God has His ways to discipline His children. Beloved we are, yet He'd rather choose the hard way. Undoubtedly, that is an act of love. My friend, Heidi Peters, and I used to choose the way to express our love by slapping each other on the back. Sillyness? Yes. But every time we did that, I always walked away feeling happy, and more importantly, loved. Maybe this isn't the best analogy of all, but I think our Father doesn't neglect this strategy either.

Sometimes we need a good "slapping-on-the-back" from God in our daily life so that we may not forget who we are and what we are here for. Some of us may aggressively pursue achievement in the fast-pacing world whereas to some time may have stopped long ago and they just doggedly labor only to feed their empty stomach day by day.

What would life matter then if we let ourselves be consumed by the ways of the world? He really had a big slap for me this past week. And though I don't claim that I'm enlightened, my eyes seem to glimpse the revealing motive more.

I'm pushing myself too hard.

There's no need to be able to run while you are still tumbling.I guess it's in my very own nature. Mom told me that when I wasn't even a year old, as soon as I could stand up, I'd just shoot off to the other side of the room and ran hard into the wall. It was too soon. Look at babies, they don't stand right up and race. Naturally, they take their time as infants learning how to sit, crawl, stand and walk. It's very foolish of me to think that I'd be able to run as fast as everyone now when I can barely plant my feet firmly on this ground.

It's a lesson of humbleness and perserverance. Step by step. Little by little. Day by day.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
Whose confidence is in Him."

Jeremiah 17:7

Beauty

2008-08-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

This morning, while I was sitting in church listening to the soft wind whispering outside (I know that I was supposed to pay attention to sermon...but...), my eyes came to behold the beauty of the arranged flowers in a basket. They were of orange, red, pink and yellow colors and of different shapes and styles. Laying aside the bouquet was a plate of grape-wine cups with 3 violet orchid flowers as a "decoration". As the congregation started singing, I couldn't shift my gaze anywhere.

Simple they were, the beauty of the Most High were gracefully displayed to the eyes of a sinner like me.

Though disoriented and out of place, His assurance to me will always be the same, "I AM in control". Though the earth may crumble or the sun be darkened, the same Voice that called me 5 years ago will always say, "You are My beloved, My creation. I will always love you because I do."

Third Week

2008-08-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

The longer I'm here, the more I realized how weak I am. Let me just start with this story from Mark Hanlon, the senior vice president of sponsor and donor development of Compassion.:: I Shall Not Be In Want:: From the book, "Blessings of the Poor"

"I'd seen lots of poor kids living in squalid conditions, and this was to be just another one. But a home visit in Haiti in 1995 left me unhinged.

An eleven- or twelve-year-old sponsored girl showed us through her home, which was not unlike many others I'd seen. It was a typical Haitian hut. The yard was decorated with rocks, there was no vegetation of which to speak, and the house was made of dung and mud sandwiched roughly between bamboo poles.

The dwelling had four tiny rooms. I remember that the walls were decorated with colourful magazine ads. There were no personal pictures to speak of. The ads were for plain things like soap, hair care products and the like. There was nothing thematic about the decorations; they were colourful and filled a space in the absence of anything better.

An open fire burned in the kitchen. The home was clean- spotless, to be precise. The beds were mattresses on the floor but they were made and not disshevelled. The clothes were hung or neatly folded.

I remember the little girl moving the dirt and collecting the odd leaf and piece of trash. She took great pride and joy in our visit. Amidst the poverty were pride and dignity, and a kidness and contentment that belied the harsh circumstances of their existence. It was an honour for us to be with them.

We asked her to share her favourite Bible verse. It was Psalm 23. I only heard the firsr verse, 'The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want', before I began to cry. A mix of shame and anger welled up from somewhere. How could she not be in want? How was there not that huge desire to want more?

My constant and persisten though would be to get out, or get up, or get better. Not to say she didn't have aspirations, but she was content. She had a skirt and blouse and scuffed shoes. I had everything I could ever want or need.

The poor are so much stronger than I am or could ever hope to be. I visit the poor for a day or a week, returning each night to a nice hotel, clean shirts, a hot shower and safe food. They don't leave.

Just becasue they are poor doesn't make them less important. Their economic situation doesn't make them weak as people.

We don't say it, but sometimes we think they should be impressed to have us in their home. All I know is that I was blessed, and this little girl's home was holy ground."

Little did I know how my life could change as I accepted this book from my friend's hand. Never before had I paid much thought and attention to the word "poverty". All I knew was that if I had no money, I was poor. Worry would cloud my heart, and make it inaccessible for Jesus to perform His miracle. I'd try in every way I could to get what I wanted. Seemingly, I won...but in such worldly way.

Since I began my work at Compassion, the organization's core strategy rings in my mind everyday, "Releasing Children from Poverty in Jesus' Name". My first reaction to the statement was "how?". What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to take action? I didn't even know what poverty meant. I imagined myself as a giver, a wealth-bearer, a stronger and more important person. It was always the subject "I" with an "active" sense. Yet as each day passed by, God started to reveal to me...It is actually I who are a receiver, poor and weak.

Living by myself with no support from family or church leaves me with ONLY one thing - God. Each day I find my soul crushed to the ground, crying out for love and mercy. Fear and loneliness tower over me with its vast shadows. Satan is mockingly laughing at me as I'm trembingly cowed under its wings. Slowly, softly came the whispering in the wind, "Call to Me and I will answer you..." (Jeremiah 33:3).

Jesus is the ONLY source of strength, hope, wisdom, love and all that I could ask for. It's the moment when I'm stripped bare...exposed to the glaring eyes of the world that I realize I need to make a choice: either to doggedly labor myself in the bitterness of the world - the realm of Satan, and believe its lie that I'm a frail and insignificant no-one or to have my pride and dignity as God's beloved back by calling out His name, and be set free.

The Lord uses poverty as a strategy to bend the back of those who are prideful. I always question God why did He often bring judgments on nations (whether Israel or others) by destroying them, putting them in ruin. Now I seem to understand a little better. As Paul O'Rourke shared in his story on worship from the same book, "In a materialistic sense, the poor do not have a whole lot of tangible reasons to worship, but they choose to worship anyway. They have taught me that worship is an attitude of the heart and not an emotional response to the right stimuli - an airconditioned auditorium with soft seats and plush carpet; a veritable orchestra and cast of thousands on the platform; good health; a full stomach."

I, we, have too often numb our bodies, minds and spirits with worldly objects that are unquenchable to our thirst.

God strips us bare, leaves us with nothing, so we can turn to Him where there is everything. His desire is for us to solely rely on Him as a child in his father's arm.

May we come to our sense, and know who we actually are.

Mink

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 5:3

Second week

2008-07-25T02:50:00.000-07:00

Ah, mom just left. She came up for a brief visit, but what a wonderful time! Her presence brought the warm air from home and comfort. I never realized how fun a meal can be until mom came. Most of the time, I simply grab anything that would quench my thirst or stop my hunger, and go on working. I pour down milk into a cereal bowl in the morning, order some fast food at lunch and ride my bike out in search of any food for dinner. But deep down in my heart, I've missed the fellowship around table, random conversations and noisy talks. This is what she said to me on the first night after I had said a constant nos for all the snacks she offered to me, "Mink, you've changed. You don't eat that much." I never noticed that at all until she pointed it out to me. Eating has been only an act of surviving, not an enjoyable habit since I came here. But now I'm gonna cherish it more, and give thanks to God for what He has blessed me.

Life continues. This week has flown by eventfully. I've become better at work and got well-adjusted with the ways things are. I began to feel comfortable being around my co-workers. I'm more familiar with the area, local people and culture. I'm settling in. :) But Mink is still the same - clumsy.

On Monday I got myself injured while I was walking to Carrefour. I didn't really pay attention to the road that I was walking on because my eyes were so focused on the newly advertised billboard, so apparently I didn't see that there was a pretty big hole in front of me. You can guess the rest of the story. My right leg went right into that hole, and got stuck. Surely no one could help me, so I had to pull myself out and got the wound dressed. Afterwards while I was trying to walk back, a guy on a motorbike approached me and asked me for money. He said that he was from Bangkok, and he lost all money (while he still had his wallet with him). Scared and exhausted, I asked him what he wanted. So he asked if he could "borrow" some 300 baht. Of course I couldn't give him that much...but I felt the urge to give. A scripture from Matthew 25 came to me when Jesus said to the righteous, " 'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me' "" (Matt. 25:35-36). Though I knew that it was stupid to give money to strangers, at least I did what Jesus may want me to (or I thought so). Money may be a need for me to survive, but when someone asked for help, should I just turn him away though I may be a fool?

Anyway, I also got to go on my very first trip to Chiang-Rai. P.Yui, my colleague, I and a sponsor from USA drove up to meet with his Karen sponsored child and her family. It was definitely a blessed trip. I really had a pleasant ride because 1) I wasn't a driver and 2) there were different kinds of trees and green hills everywhere. When we got to the project, we met up with the staff and were oriented. Then we drove to the child's home which was nearby but the road to her home was so difficult. It was a dirt and rocky road. Yet when we got there, the beauty of the location AND her beauty took my breath away. It was a small bamboo house snug in the vast arm of the hill. To the left, a cliff rose high to the sky. Right in front of me stood a stunning young lady with her traditional white robe smiling shyly and her good looking mom and dad. Their weather-worn brown skins gave us hints of their long labors under the sky. Yet their broad smile that showed all the broken jagged teeth just told me how content they are. So we were invited in and seated at the front porch. It was neat to see the reunion, if I could call this, of the sponsor and the child. They've been corresponding for 8 years but this was their first time of seeing each other. I was sitting there watching these two lives that are totally different and distinctly opposite. One is from a rich country, and money is not a problem while the other one is still trying to make ends meet each day. But again, I guess earthly wealth isn't what a soul is looking for. What I saw in the girl's eyes were the joy to meet someone she has come to love and gratefulness to what she has received.

On Friday night, mom and I just went to the night bazarre and had burger king! Hmm...happy meal it was. Well, I guess I must end here since the internet cafe is closing. Bonne Nuite!In Christ

First Week

2008-07-07T03:31:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Chiang-Mai

This is the beginning of my 2nd week here. Life goes by quicker than I first thought. I've made new friends, learned new facts and gone on a lot of adventures. It's amazing how my life could change so much: being on my own, having unlimited adventures, witnessing such eye-opening truths, being so close to the nature. Here it is in Chiang-Mai. Here I am in the hands of God.

My day usually starts at 6:30 if I could kick myself out of bed (but usually I'd ignore the clock...and go on sleeping...bad bad). There're lots of time to take a shower, get ready, pray and read and have breakfast because where I live is sharing the same wall with where I work. :) Everyday we have devotion "supposedly" for a half an hour, but most days we spend an hour. So I don't get to start an actual work until 9.

As to answer to the question, "what am I doing exactly?", I am positioned as a tour and visit specialist. I am like a representative, a front-line person for the organization. I'd be the one who gets in touch with the partner countries, sponsors or donors who wish to come visit projects in Thailand. Briefly, I'd do my best to provide as much convenience concerning the visit, and most importantly as much needed information and knowledge of the ministry, projects and children as possible. I act as a part of the advocacy campaign for children. My part is also to encourage the sponsors/ donors to play more important part - that is to be an advocate - by showing them what we, Compassion Thailand, are doing.

So that's briefly what I'm up and about. :) Please pray for my adjustment to the job, people and the living here. It's a challenge but I'm certain that this is where the Lord calls me. I'm also going to a church just a little bit out of town. It's a small church with 20 members, all kinds of people. They do college and prison ministries that I'm now interested in. This church was started by two of my friends since last December. And you'd be surprised if I told you that there're many churches and christians in Chiang-Mai, but they're mostly scattered and shepherdless. Hopefully I can tell you more in my next post. Stay tuned!

Be blessed,

The Journey to the Father

2008-06-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

*This is the first time in my life I could actually put down my story into words. I spent 5 hours writing this as to be sent along with other application papers. But i thought it'd be cool to share this with anyone who wants to read this. So enjoy! I hope you're encouraged at some points. :)

My name is Tuangporn Wiroonchatapunth. I am 24 years old. I now live in Nonthaburi with my mother and two younger sisters. I graduated from Silpakorn University, majored in English and minored in Tour Guide. I am a friendly and outgoing person, but I also tend to be an introvert who adores solitude and peacefulness. I love to get busy with jobs and people, but if there is some spare time, my favorite activities are reading, writing, listening to music and traveling. I would like to break down my journey from the past to the present into 3 stages: the questioning, the seeking and the pursuit.

The Questioning

Just like other Buddhist families, I was raised among idol-worshippers, and taught to do good in order to gain a ticket-pass to heaven. My father used to be a monk for 3 months. My mother was a devout Buddhist who never ceased to pray, make merits and go to temples. My other relatives on both sides are very strict when it comes to rituals and ceremonies. They hardly miss any occasions. My aunt used to offer her body as a temporary abode of a former king’s spirit’s brief visits. She is now a vegetarian. Being surrounded by such belief and tradition, it was doubtless that I had adopted the same motif in living; self-reliance.

I followed my parents’ steps. I was a temple-goer. I never forgot to pray before bed. I could also memorize some lengthy chants. The most important thing of all, I feared death. Ironically, though I tried to obey all rules and made plenty of merits, I was never sure and convinced that I would actually go to heaven. It seemed like the deeds I had done were never enough. Often, I was troubled by the scenes of hell, the fear of passing into the shadow and the nagging curiosity about the after death. I always found myself thinking about what-ifs: what if I died to day; what if the world came to an end; what if the universe didn’t actually exist. What then? Where would I be? What of the others? Would there be any consciousness left in me to be aware of what was going on? And the questions continued. Every time I tried to find a sensible answer, I would be pulled back to the beginning. The thought worked in a cycle. It did not lead me anywhere but nothingness - an utter darkness, a void. The more I spent time thinking about them, the more I got depressed. So, for a while, I pretended to forget and lived only for the moment.

The Seeking

Life went on until I entered into the turning point when my father passed away. He died of bone cancer when I was 15 years old. It was painful, unwelcome and shocking. Dad was my hero. I would usually be seen doing something alongside him: washing our cars, going to movies, reading newspapers, etc. I was daddy’s girl. When I learned that he passed away, my whole world was crumbling right before my eyes. Things were hopeless, and it was almost impossible to get a clear vision of how we, as a family, would go on without the pillar of the household. Those months of mourning were dragged by slowly. Each morning I awoke feeling cumbersome. Each night I went to sleep with loneliness and fear wondering where his spirit would be. The only strength and comfort I could find during that time was from my mother and sisters. Though we gave offerings to monks and did what a good Buddhist was supposed to, I always wondered if it would be any effective. It seemed to me that nothing could stop the forcing power of death, not even the Buddha himself. Despair was my constant companion for the knowledge beyond this world’s realm was too great for me to comprehend.

Being unable to acknowledge the eternal purpose, I thus shifted my focus back into the worldly goals: achievement and success. In high school, I was ranked as one of the top ten students in my class. I had a group of decent friends. My mom had her business going. We were settled in a new house and happy. I also started dating a senior student when I was in grade 11. Seemingly, life was good. After a while, Buddhism had become an obligated religious system of duties and responsibilities, not lifestyle. Yet, deep down in my heart, I was longing to know what lies beyond this world, and still searching for the true meaning of life.

In June 2002, I got a chance to go to an English camp arranged by the Campus Crusade for Christ. I went without much expectation. My only hope and desire was to practice my English with the native-tongues, and to meet new friends. While I was there, I was introduced to the sacrificial love of Christ. My eyes were opened to the truth concerning life and death. During my time at the camp, all the questions I had had were answered on the cross where Jesus died, and my hope in life beyond this world was found in the empty tomb. I realized that I was a prisoner of sins and the bitter past. I reckoned that the self-reliant ways of Buddhism would lead me nowhere near heaven; and no gods in this world could save me from hell but this One. I knew that I needed Him to redeem me. So I received Jesus Christ the Lord into my life.

The Pursuit

I might as well wrap it up now since the story seemed to have a happy ending. But real life is not a fairy tale for the quest is just about to begin (though I could claim that I know how it will end).

When I delivered the news to my mom and sisters, they were neither oppressing nor encouraging. Difficult as it was to be an only Christian in the family, plus being afraid to be a black sheep, I finally yielded to temptations after a month of struggling. I was drawn back into the same tide of worshipping idols. Every single time my head bowed down for those lifeless images, there was always a pang of guilt in my heart. And for a brief moment, I would remember the sweet fragrance of love and the fullness of life in Christ, and long to be back there once again. But the feeling of unworthiness stopped me from repenting. I would hear a mocking voice saying that there was no way to go back since I chose the ways of the world. I would be reminded that I was just a human unworthy of forgiveness, and everything in the camp was nothing but a sweet dream. I would only look up some encouraging bible verses once in a while for comfort, but I dared not claim the rights of salvation.

December 2002 came. One night I got a phone call from my boyfriend who told me that our relationship could go no further than just friends. I was brokenhearted. The same “world-crumbling” happened again that night. I felt betrayed and wondered if there would be any true love apart from my family in this world. After a few weeks of crying and pitying myself, the memories of love and friendship from the English camp began to flow back into my mind like a stream of river again. It was at that time when there was nothing left in my life I remembered God and His love, and actually surrendered my will to Him.

Thus began the pursuit. I spent time reading His words and pondering the truth until I found myself on my knees praying for forgiveness. The Light of hope and joy took place in my spent and weary heart. After conviction, I started to attend church nearby my living area. Nonthaburi Baptist Church has been my spiritual home ever since. Two years later, my mother came to salvation followed by my 2 sisters in a year later. Jesus is the Lord of my life. Each day I find life more meaningful and full of purposes when I abide in Him and seek His will. Though I cannot deny that I still do struggle with sins everyday, I have a hope that, as I pass through each valley, I would be stepping a little higher on the mountain to where He dwells and becoming more conformed into Christ’s likeness.

I do not know about the future. I have no idea where He will lead me next. But one thing I am certain of is that I do know where my true home lies. I want to spend the time He has given to me here on earth to get to know Him more and to live for Him. I have a passion to share this gift of salvation and the Good News to people in the world and guide them the way into God’s kingdom as it is stated in Hebrews 12:28 that, “therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God…”

J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote a song in his novel, the Lord of the rings, when Bilbo ventured off his home:

“The Road goes ever on and

from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can.

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.”

For me, life is an eternal quest, an endless journey, a life-long pursuit. I do not want to rob myself from that journey by giving in to the fear of the unknown

The Road Goes Ever On And On

2008-06-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

Waiting on the Lord is so rewarding. It's beyond my words can say. For six years I've fought in this pursuit of this Arts degree. Now it's over. I don't have classes to go to anymore...nor do I have to be worried about the "due assignments". Weird how it feels empty. Never in my life have I had such mixed feelings: sad but happy, nervous but excited. I was told that there's always a new chapter to begin in this book of life. And now my turn has come after enthusiastically watching many people take on their journeys. The previous chapter is drawing its curtain, and the new one is about to begin.

I am now officially graduated, and about to set out to Chiang-Mai for my new job. It happened so fast that it is still magical. I applied for a job at Compassion International as a director's secretary two weeks ago. Iniatially, there was another spot that would fit me perfectly - Tour and Visit Specialist, but the position got close somehow. So I went for the secretary. I spent a whole month praying and seeking His will because I was really doubtful. The more I sought, the more I felt certain. There was one morning I read in Ezekiel 12, and this verse struck me with such harsh blow. It says, " 'Son of man, you dwell in the midst of a rebellious house, which has eyes to see but does not see, and ears to hear but does not hear;...' (Ezekiel 12:2)" And I personally felt like it was a desperate message from God to this stubborn and hard-headed daughter. There were so many signs earlier that I could allow myself to be sure but I denied them all. First of all, I hate to think of myself working to my bones but do nothing to benefit the others. My passion isn't to sign in at 8:00 and sign out at 5:00 nor to receive a big wad of cash at the end of the month. It may sound ridiculous, which undeniably it does...but...I had this tingly feeling that there should be something more than a mendatory schedule for my life. Second, I often found myself thinking about my countrymen who hardly have any opportunities in society at all. But most importantly, my heart is moved when I see these people so bound in the tide of traditional religious duties and system. Every time I see those on tv, I always hope that their chains would be broke.

I know that these signs aren't tangible but, if you are one of Jesus' followers, you do know what His voice is like. Yet i must admit that I was really hard on myself, and I never allowed any positive thought that I would get the job until I actually heard it. The interview on last Friday went well even though my performance on computer test was way too poor. Man, i've worked in the church office for four years but never have I had to make a statistic chart. I didn't even complete each task I was given at all. There were three programs: Words, Power Point and Excel. And I'd say my skills in these three programs are quite fine and efficient but making chart is a killer. So yah, I didn't expect much afterwards.Anyway, the interview questions were all about the applied position - secretary. But later on, I got to talk to one of the interviewers, who is also my friend. And she asked me if I would rather work as the tour and visit specialist because my skills are more qualified in this field. Of course I am! So without even expecting, I now have got a job at Compassion International as a tour and visit specialist. And man, it just fits me perfectly. I get to travel, take care and serve people while I serve the Lord. Plus, I am also involved in the children ministry that supports kids who lack opportunities. My job starts on July 1st. Actually, I don't start working right away because there'll be a fast-and-pray session in the morning, and the orientation in the afternoon. So it's gonna be a good preparation for me.

But in all these good news and excitement, I can't help feeling sad. It hit me hard this morning that I am actually leaving so many things behind: my beloved mom and sisters, the most amazing friends at church, GES and newsong, etc. There're so many memories out here. Yet I'm not moving far. Chiang-Mai is 9-hour bus ride, 12-hour train ride and 1-hour plane ride. I guess it's just moving out of my comfort zone that's scary but I have never been more excited. :) So wish me luck, guys. Wait, christians don't do luck, do we? ;) Prayers will be a good doze of comfort from you, my beloved siblings in the Spirit, to me.

With much love,Mink ^-^

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:28-31

...God knows...

2008-04-06T07:44:00.000-07:00

I have so many things on my mind right now. And I'm being all by myself with a computer that, apparently, cannot converse with me. So this is a way of redeeming myself in this confusion and loneliness.

Here it comes again. This is probably one of the toughest time of the year. I just happen to be a fortunate person who gets to be a part of this journey along with the other GES teachers. I get to meet new people, establish friendship, learn new things from the other side of the world where i've never been before, experience the "life" outside of my shell, and say goodbye to the ones I love and care pretty much every single year.

But you know, I've only been a part of it. I've watched these wonderful men and women labor on their jobs, struggle with cross-cultural differences and rejoice over their success. Yet I've never been the one who actually experiences it.

It hit me really hard when I sit down and spend time pondering on the situation in my life right now...I am just clueless. It's like I've been taking a walk in this vast jungle on one spring morning...enjoying the birds chirping, the squirrels scurrying from one branch to another, the blooming flowers, the peaceful river...when in all of a sudden, there comes the multiple separated trails. Each one doesn't give me any clear paths. Suddenly I feel helpless and uncertain of the roads ahead.

Now I want to run back to my home sweet home where safety and security are promised. Here are my choices: do I want to continue be a mama's baby, sucking her thumb and begging for food or do i want to become a strong strider of the jungle who unsheaths her sword bravely when danger comes?

Oh, the answer is predictable. I wish for the latter choice. But my question is how do I get there? Really...how do I reach that point when at this present time I am merely clueless.

You tell me.

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them." - Psalm 139:16

It is my hope to continue to trust in the Lord's plan even though it seems hopeless, to hold tight to the last string of faith and believe with all my heart that there is something waiting for me out there. My friend, Emily, spoke right into my heart when I was whining about my uncertain future. I moaned, "I just don't know what to do with my future. I don't know." Then she quietly replies, "But God knows."

Yes, God knows. It's no use trying to get all these questions answered in my time. Sometimes it is more thrilling to stand and witness His miraculous work. I don't know where I'm going to be in a year to come. And honestly, I'm scared...but...I'm also excited as well.

"Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46:10

Pride

2008-03-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had this experience when your heart pierced and stung so painfully that you feel wholeheartedly ready to crush someone down because of their pride? I have. A lot of times in my Christian life, I find it hard to play a Cinderella when the injustice and wrongdoings are being done right in front of my eyes. I suddenly feel a strong sense of hatred towards those people. And all I want to do is to cause them pain the way they’ve done to me.

I know. I am a fool, like Nabal, Abigail’s prideful husband. I am no different than those ones I’m accusing of. I’m carrying my pride on my head like a golden crown when actually it’s just nothing but a wooden one. I’m stubborn just as a donkey is, and as stiff-necked as the Israelites were during the wandering time in the desert. Ernest Gordon, a PoW during the WWII in a Japanese camp, once wrote:

Death was still with us – no doubt about that. But we were slowly being freed from its destructive grip…Selfishness, hatred…and pride were all anti-life. Love…self-sacrifice…and faith, on the other hand, were the essence of life…gifts of God to men…Death no longer had the last word at Chungkai.

It’s hard to think of Jesus when the fire of anger stirred up in me. But think I must. Jesus is God who created heaven and earth…but…He is also the One who lowered Himself down to wash the twelve men’s feet with such humbleness and meekness.

If He so loved us, can we not love each other? Having been forgiven, can we not forgive? Having feasted at the table of grace, can we not share a few crumbs? "My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other" (1 John 4:11 MSG).
Facing Your Giant, Max Lucado

"Pride makes me cry
And I’m tired of being tried
Persecution, pressures, trials
What are these?
Beads of sweat drippin’ on to dirt
My back’s bent, my knees hurt
And now I’m watching those proud dudes
Casually waltzing in to receive the reward they don’t deserve
But who am I to judge?
I ain’t gonna do anything
Because the Righteous and Just
Had gone through the same thing
Humble and meek
Washing the twelve disciples’ feet
Can I do that?
Can you do that?
Prove yourself as a true Christian!

So get rid of your pride
It ain’t easy like a piece of pie
But it can be done
Through Him who is the saving One
Repent and surrender
No excuse whatsoever
“Abide in Me. Abide in Love”
And into Your River I dove
Make me decrease
So You may increase
Take my pride away
Or my faith be swayed"

May we never forget who we are...

Mink

Redeemed

2008-02-24T17:12:00.001-08:00

Since when did I stop writing? Since when did I feel empty when about to put life into words?

I figured that there should be at least one cool story i could write since the last blog entry was in October...yes...you got it right...that long. But again, as I'm staring at the screen, my head is white blank. Human's mind is incomprehensible for me. At one moment, thoughts are flowing like a flood of water. Not a long while later, they are stuck in mud.

Right now it's 8:17 in the morning. The song "We Fall Down" is cooling the room down. The neighborhood is all silent since the rush hour has already passed. And I'm sitting alone, feeling a bit drowsy, in this room.

City life is interesting. Now I'm at my friend/ sister's room in Bangna, somewhere in Bangkok. I'd say it's a middle size community. There're a pool, a gym, a mini mart, a bookstore, a basketball court, a music school, an international school, some restaurants and coffeeshops, a church and a whole bunch of buildings.

This morning, after I got up, I was peering out of my window to look around, and it struck me what a limited life one can get into. Across from my room, a lady stretching her arms, yawning and scratching her head while getting ready for work. Two floors up, a half-awake guy in shorts standing at the balcony smoking his cigarette letting his mind drift off somewhere. It came to me...I feel sorry for these people. I don't know why...but it just hit me. Not only these particular neighborhood but those men and women who have to wake up every morning only to fill their day. It's just sad and depressing. It's all vanity. We are easily satisfied with the engaged busyness, the so-called romance the world offers us which most of it lasts not too long or the practical religious system which makes one feel worthwhile.

Then I thought of a scene from the movie, "the Sound of Music" when the girl, Mary, was running joyously on the top of the hill and singing as if to the whole world and ,of course, God. Every time I think of the scene, it's freeing. There's freedom in that certain shot. She is all exposed to the nature around her...but much more than that...her heart is exposed to the Calling above. And even her body is caged behind the gate of the church, she knows that there is freedom in everything she does because her heart is set free.

My friend, Nookie, introduced me to one of Chris Tomlin's songs - Amazing Grace (my chains are gone). Amazing Grace is forever my favorite hymn but with this new chorus, it made me choke with tears. It goes:

"My chains are gone Ive been set free
My God my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love Amazing Grace"

We should not be limited by area space though we must admit that we have such limited capacity. We should not be trapped in a cage of unhealed wounds, unforgotten past and unforgiven sins. We, God's people, have that freedom. We are no longer the PoW. We are freemen and we are all who we want to be in our Redeemer.

Market Trip

2007-10-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

This morning I had an opportunity to go shopping at the market with my mom for the first time since last two years. I am not fully awake right now since I went to sleep around 2 o'clock last night and had to get up at 6; but I feel the urge to write this note.

We took a Song Taew truck to Nonthaburi market, the busiest place I have ever seen in the morning like that. Vendors after vendors, shops after shops were opening to welcome their customers. People, mostly in their PJs, were swarming in and out to run their early errands. Sellers' bellowing voices trying to get attention from shopppers, street dogs wandering..sniffing for left-over food, buyers hurriedly rush from one aisle to the other to get what they need and Thai Buddhists kneeling down...receiving blessing from a simple looking monk really made me overwhelmed. I have never been good in being in such a crowded, busy place with loud noise like this anyway, so it could probably have been another overwhelming trip. But the truth is...I kinda felt a little different this time.

While I was waiting around for my mom, a group of people caught my attention. A group of five ladies bowing down their heads, kneeling down on the stenched wet dirty floor, holding their hands in a wai form in front of a young monk with such stone, straight, emotionless face made me planted where I was standing.

These folks were joyless! They were hopelessly looking for ways to heaven, trying in vain to do good things...to earn merits...while knowing too well that it may not be the right path. The scene captivated my soul, and my heart was being squeezed so tightly that I thought I was going to collapse. It looks to me that the monk was the only brightest hope they could ever find...and try to cling to... before they started their days living in sins. How depressing that would be when you are not even sure of your salvation? "Do good things, girl, and you will go to heaven."...that's something I had been told since I was a little child. Everything is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Oh! My ultimate desire is to see my countrymen repent and receive Salvation. My dream is to be Jesus' hand to help the poor and the orphans in this place, the country that has been called, "the Land of Freedom". I want to see Thailand being the chosen nation. But I am so little. I am not much. Yet I really want to help. The spiritual warfare is marching on, but I am still stuck with sins. "Lord, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness. Deliver me from sins. Arm me with Your armor. And make me selfless, Lord Jesus. I am Your clay."

Freedom

2007-10-24T23:38:00.000-07:00

While everything on GES campus seems to fall into the rhythm of peacefulness and quietness, the limbs of my soul are struggling to waddle out of the void of turmoil. Restlessness daily comes knocking on my door. And all i could do has been to welcome it with unwillingness.

Restless to follow God's call eventhough being clueless what it is.
Restless to begin the new journey eventhough the road looks so dark.
Restless to take the adventure with the One eventhough it may be dangerous.
Restless to be free from this worldly cage.

I was watching a movie called, "the Ultimate Gift" the other night. It is about the value of gifts that one can find. One phrase that completely blew me away was, "free to dream". Somewhere along the way, it seems like I have lost my dream. I have dropped it for a while. Then it came to me...Jesus came all the way from heaven to earth to SET US FREE, to give us FREEDOM. It is hard for my limitedness to totally understand the whole concept of freedom; but after all these years I have had with Him, I know that to be free in Him is to wholeheartedly and tremblingly rely on the Redeemer. Oh-yes, I don't even want to believe what I just wrote, yet the truth remains.

Often I have heard people ask, "If God is really almighty and sovereign, why didn't He stop Eve from sinning?" And the answer would be, "Well, because God didn't make us a robot. We were fearfully and beautifully made according to His image. He put mind and spirit into us. And He gives us choices. He gives us freedom so that we may glorify Him through this freedom." And I agree. A lot of people, and even I myself, sometimes try to put aside God and venture on our own. Eventually, I always find myself sitting on the floor helplessly, tears streaming down like waterfall and crying out to Jesus for help.

"I will walk about in freedom for I have sought out your precepts.", said David. There is freedom in Jesus. Be free to dance, free to sing, free to shout, free to think and free to dream. There's this phrase, "Nothing is free in this world", but I'm sure there is when you are in Him.

Mink

"For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:20-21

Krabi: retreat, refresh and renew

2007-09-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

Okay...last night (Sat.) I was working on writing this note about my Krabi adventure. And I was half way when all of a sudden the electricity went out! So...now...i'm typing it all over again.Right now it's 9:35 on Sunday morning. Everything in the resort is quiet and still. There're not many noise around here...only the starting engine of a truck, the buzzing noise of some bugs and the barking of 4 puddle dogs here. Where we're staying is called "Jungle Village" and it's 2 km away from Ao Nang city. We pay 750 baht a night but we are treated like a royal family. We have our own driver who takes us anywhere any time. We have hot shower, a fridge, a cable tv (which somehow doesn't have many english channels...but there's Fox news, Matt!) and an air-con in our room. Outside is a well-taken-care-of garden with green field, palm trees and a swimming pool. It is SO private here.

Yesterday we took a long tail boat to the Railey beach and Tub island with a german family. I have to say that i'm wowed! I mean this trip comes as such a blessing! It came to me unexpectedly. It is such a gift from God.Okay...to give you a bit knowledge...this is my first time to Krabi...and it is also my first time flying in a plane!!!!!!!!!! I was excited, happy, nervous and scared all at the same time. When the plane was speeding up and about to soar, i was too overwhelmed with these feelings that i needed to hold both Heidis' hands. But the flight was WONDERFUL. I'd never seen the world i'm living in in this bird-eye view before. Everything magnificently resounds God's glory and I was in awe. Well...to those of you who usually fly may think i'm an idiot...but...as i told you...this is my first time. The sea of the vast blue sky that stretches out all around me, those bushes of puffy white clouds are GORGEOUS. And when i looked below me, everything that is under the sun was like specks of dust to me...everything that usually overshadows me like mighty mountains or even like a house.

How come I could measure God's sovereignty in such a limited, narrow, humanly way? Oh...sinful nature...Before we left to the airport on Friday afternoon, I got an e-mail from my friend, Jason Glass. At the end of his letter he gave me this bible verse from Jeremiah saying, "....is anything too hard for God?" And I had time of reflection on the plane, and i was like...seriously NOTHING is too hard for Him but it's our human nature that always doubts and falls.

Anyway, back to Krabi. Yesterday we went to 2 beaches and i have to admit that it's a total different feeling from Hua-Hin or other beaches that i've been before. This is more natural and still untouched by human's hands. The water is clear turquois, the sand is clean and white and the sky just looks like it's supposed to be....broad blue sky w/o any polluted smog simmering over the edge of the heaven's gate. Me and Heidi D. got to hike around the Pra Nang cave...then we took a boat to another island where i pretty much spent time reading, walking in solitude and getting myself dry. Then we came back to our resort, swam in the pool for a short while, took a shower and drove downtown to have dinner. We ended up eating at a thai-european restaurant. I got Tom Yum Kung that is totally like a farung's taste. No offense, guys, but it wasn't like the spicy soup i used to have AT ALL. It was tasty though. While we're sitting, there's this guy from San Diego named Andrew came to us and asked if he could sit with us. And i was like, "oh-oh...what should we do?" But he looked really decent and there was no evil implication in his manner at all. So we sat talking with him for a while. He was here on the Railey beach when Tsunami hit a few years ago...so he came down to make a movie about that.

So that's pretty much what's going on in my life in the most amazing paradise on earth right now. :) We'll be heading back to Nontahburi, our home sweet home, in a few hours from now. I brought work....but guess what....i never touched it. lol

With love,

The Hungry

2007-08-29T04:40:00.000-07:00

This month has been dragging and long.

This week has been a whirlpool of exhaustion and busyness.

This day has been somewhat crazy and draining....

but at this moment...i am quietly content with my still-hot garlic chicken with vegetable on steamed rice...my first meal of the day. :)

Sometimes men and women can be unexpectably demanding.

It may cause someone's sacrifice....Someone's life....so that we would be satisfied. Human is so selfish. I am VERY selfish.

It has been too long thinking of what is not yet done, whirling my mind about the future is not yet come...

As of right now, I will set it aside for a little while. I will finish my "authentic" meal, drink some water and go to church prayer meeting. My soul is crying out for the Bread and the Water as well...

Change or not?

2007-08-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

I so wish I was better at organizing thoughts. This is maybe my 5th effort in writing this note after typing and erasing. I want to write something but my capability is so limited. My mind is a mess. My thought is whirling about. My heart is racing. And my brain is somewhat tired even though I haven't done anything that much. What is it within that continually bugs me? It causes such confusion...and...depression, the unwanted gift ever.

Apparently, as one of my friends put me this way, I am a 23-year-old girl, who is about to graduate and scared of life in the upcoming real world. Seriously, I am curious if the world I have been living in somewhat is not real. Twenty two years on this earth I have enjoyed all the fun the world has been giving to me. I do exactly the same things as everyone does on one's daily basis. I get up. I shower. I eat. I go to school. I learn. I play with my friends. I watch TV. I sleep. I take special classes. I travel with my family once in a while. Let's talk about feelings. I am pretty much the same as others. I smile and laugh when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I feel melancholy when I encounter loss. I am confused when there are too many choices.

What, then, does make a difference in the world when I am a year older? Will the world change when I graduate? .......................

I guess I have to admit. Yes. I don't think God created us so that He would be able to sit and play with us like a barbie doll. Life is all about changing. From kindergarten, I moved up to primary. Primary to junior-high. Junior-high to highschool. Highschool to college. And college to........what? I haven't figured that one out yet...but good news...I'm about to. :) I think we were created to "live" and "move on" with life even though we feel stuck. Every decision we make, God allows it so that we may learn how to grow more mature, how to deal with circumstances and how to be responsible of the consequences.

Well, guys, I know many of you have already passed this stage...and you might see me as a frantic, worried college girl. You may as well do that. BUT remember...life is all about changing. Today will not be the same as tomorrow. All I have to do is keep it real. I must not be a coward. I must confront it. I must fight with it. I am not only God's daughter but also His warrior. There is no cowardice in the battlefield or else I lose.

Before end, I would like to let those of you who are wondering what I am up to these days that I will be teaching English for G.10B at GES for a while. I don't know for how long yet. I guess until they know how suck I am at teaching. lol No, no..that's a joke. I decided to turn down the position at Shell company because 1) I feel peace about being here even though I personally feel stuck (I thought working far away would somehow make me move on w/ life) 2) I still want to be around those whom I love...especially when my church is really in need of staff 3) I still want to have fun.

So, briefly, I will be teaching at GES for a while and also helping out at the church at the same time. I don't know if I have made a right choice or not, but I already did. And there is no turning back.

The Beautiful Shore

2007-07-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

Right now it is Thursday, July 19, 2007 at 10:23 am. Sitting right here in front of one of the staff room's computer...about to type something in very important. Prior to going any further, I would like to inform you, who knows Manna - the 3rd grader at GES and my beloved little girl at church, that her grandma passed away 3 days ago. And this is what I wrote last night after I got back from the funeral.

"July 18, 2007

Today is the 1st night of Mother Chuanpit's funeral. Since last night, me and some other people were preparing things for the funeral. We ended up staying up until 11:00 pm arranging flowers. I didn't quite look forward to this evening that much. Like everyone knows, two of the things I dislike the most and try to avoid are hospital and funeral. Not that I'm scared of them, but they are a constant reminder of my dad's death. They horrify me at some points.

To be honest, the fact that Mother was dead hadn't quite dawned on me just yet during the day. One of the reasons was because I was being kept busy. But around 4 o'clock when there was nothing for me to look forward to, I started to feel something. It's the feeling that gave me a tickle of pinching pain and emptiness. Though I'm not VERY close to her, we talked a lot. Two weeks ago, some of us even visited her at the hospital and prayed for her health. And she looked okay to me.

I've been thinking a lot...about death, life, possession and the meaning to be alive. I mean...it seemed like yesterday that I talked to her. I still remember her wrinkly freckled pale skin, long crooked fingers, kind gentle loving eyes and her gray beautiful hair. I still saw "life" in her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her talk. Her caressing hands. Her heaving chest. And now...not even her soft breath I can hear.

Days are long but life is so short. We don't even know when will be our time. God alone that is counting our days. Thus, it leads me to this simple question, 'What, then, am I to do with this short life and to make the best of it?' Today during the service, we were singing some songs which all talk about how we are here for a short amount of time. Then when our time is over, we'll be standing on the beautiful shore meeting up with the people I love again.I don't know...it's a joy for me knowing that she is with God now. Maybe she is being wrapped around in His arms, receiving compliments from the Holy One...or she might be standing with Him hand in hand looking at us busying about the things that will not last.

I don't know. But i have to admit...it thrills me just thinking about 'the moment' with Him after I died. I want to know how it feels like to be in awe of Him literally, how would God-the One whom I've been in contact with for my whole life- look, what would I do there...So many things I'm extremely curious about. I seriously can't wait to be with Him.

But then...my human sinfulness struck in...'Mink, you still have a whole bunches of things in your life that you haven't done yet...why would you want to die?' The idea of suffering and death overshadows me.

I fear.

I fear of the pain I would suffer when my whole body started to stop functioning. I fear of darkness and the mystery after passing a world called 'life'. I fear of the moment my breath is being drawn out of me. I fear that I would not get to look into my beloved's eyes again. I fear tht I would feel no more.

Somehow, in this shadow of fear, a light of Hope seeps in. Jesus said, 'Let not your heart be troubled, you believe in God, you believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.' (John 14:1-4)

In my faith, I know where my soul is going to rest. I may not be wealthy enough to buy a tomb or a burial place for my body to lie in this world but I know that in heaven, my Father's house, my King's palace, there is a place for me unto eternity (read Rev. 21). Jesus is my Hope. God says, 'He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.' (Rev. 21:7)

So back to the question: what am I to do with this short life? It's a question every living soul has to ponder. I might as well answer it in an easy selfish way - to do what God has planned. But tonight, I don't feel it quite right to take this question too lightly. Jesus has given up many things so that I may live and have abundant life here on earth. He has prepared and provided things and places so that I may make use of them. He has allowed trials and hardship to happen so that I may learn and be ready for the real battle even though it breaks His heart.

Well, after writing that...i still can't find the right exact answer to this question (sorry if you expected that I would get it..lol). One thing I do know, though, is that I want to live with passion for Him, my beloved King, and others who are beloved by Him. Life is short but it's such a gift. We are not robots being controlled but we are a living, breathing children of the Father of fathers. To have life is probably the greatest gift of all after Redemption because it means I am here to witness His manifested power and glory.

Because God gives me sight, now I get to see those mighty range of mountains rolling by the green pastures under the starry velvety sky.

Because God gives me breath, now I get to smell the sweet crisp fragrance of the blooming buds, the cool earth in the rain and the mouth-watering smell of fresh baked cookies and the just-brewed coffee aroma early in the morning.

Because God gives me ears, now I get to appreciate the sound of music, the quiet silence at nightime, the flowing water and the roaring thunder.

Because God gives me taste, now I get to enjoy eating all kind of yummy food!

Because God gives me touch, now I get to sense the motherly love when my mom holds my hand while walking me to school, to feel red and hot because my blood goes shooting everywhere when being kissed and to feel the warmth of my friends' bodies when being hugged.

These actually keep me ALIVE. Without these senses, everything is meaningless. Even though the world sees me as an insignificant dead person, I am alive in Him. I trust that God has made me, and each one of us, specially, creatively, spontaneously, beautifully, fearfully and godly.

So what I am to do with this life is to live to the fullest. I will hike up until I could reach the topmost part. I will dive down until I touch the bottom ground. I will fly with His wings to the west and the east searching the mystery of life. And in each step, I will continue to worship my Light. I will praise Him when I breathe in and out. I will cherish the moments I have here by myself or with His people. And I will not be sad when I am to leave this world. Death may scare me but my prayer is that in His authority and sovereignty, I will conquer it! Jesus has victory over death and has shone His light brightfully to the world. I am a daughter of the Light and there shall be no fear.

Hear attentively, my friends. When my time has come, do not grieve because I am gone forever. Do cry because tears are made for this purpose...and because you love me...and I love you. But we reckon that in our Hope shall we meet again on the beautiful shore of New Jerusalem. Do not try to find a place for my body to be laid down on this earth because you know where my spirit shall rest peacefully. Please let the fire consume this worldly possession and let what was left of it flow along in the waves of the ocean and blow with the northern wind.

'No guilt in life. No fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, No scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns of calls me Home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand'"

Mink

Teary Goodbye

2007-07-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

There is time to meet and time to depart...King Solomon once said that.I have had some heart-breaking moments before when I was younger: for example, when my mouse died or when my dad passed away. Both of those time, I could only stand there witnessing their last breath and do nothing. I also shed a tank of tears hugging goodbyes to my high-school friends on our last day of school. And these past few years, I have stood at the airport waving goodbyes to the friends I love and hoping we would meet again.Yesterday was no difference. One thing I never understand is why...why leaving is so hard for me? I am hurt. I am sad. My heart is broken. I cry. I lose. It is like a cold sharp sword piercing into my soul, cutting out a part of it and leaving me with such raw bleeding wound. Somehow I know it is alright. Everything is going to work just fine again after I can "pass through" the challenge. I have had this before...but...just RIGHT NOW...everything is too fresh and vivid. The memories keep flashing back moment after moment...and they cause my eyes to be red and teary again.Strange but true...though the memories can hurt, I still allow them to sink in and be tucked tightly and securely in the deepest part of my heart...waiting for you all to come back and unlock this drawyer.

Thank you for your smile and laughter. Thank you for the unforgettable moments. Thank you for sharing the real "you" with me. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the hope that we will meet again.

And so we shall...

"Father,Thank you for the love of my life. Thank you that you have made them so precious...and that You allow us to cultivate such friendships. I pray that it will thrive and grow in Your love, God. It is such a miracle to be their friends. Please bring your healing to me right now...the wound is still too fresh and raw...and it makes my heart ache and sore. But Your lovingkindness, mercy and grace will make my heart complete again. In You, Jesus, I am made whole again. Thank You for the hope that we shall meet again...either here on earth...or in Your home. Amen."

How to Say Goodbye by Michael W. Smith

"Tell me when the time we had slipped away
Tomorrow turned to yesterdayAnd I don’t know how
Tell me what could stop this river of tears
That’s been building up for years for this moment now

Here I stand arms open wideI’ve held you close
Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye

Tell me why
Why this following of dreams
Takes you far away from me
And I knew that it would
Tell me how to fill the space
You left behindAnd how to laugh instead of cry
How to say good bye

Here I stand arms open wide
I’ve held you close Kept you safe till you could fly
Tell me where the road ahead is gonna bend
And how to harness up the wind How to say goodbye"

Cry of the Lonely

2007-06-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

"Being surrounded with familiar faces,
My heart is yet shatteringly broken inside with this stabbing loneliness.
Being wrapped around in the shadow of night,
The intent gaze still keeps eyeing on me tight.
Running away from the painful truth that is chasing after my cry.
Inwardly screaming for the help I thought I'd never find.
Are You here as promised?
Oh-Lord, do what you think is best."

The visa story and my ex-nanny

2007-05-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

I went to the embassy this morning...and it was very intense. I've never thought applying for visa would reck my nerve so much like this. This has been a very long process indeed...and thanks to all of my friends who have been faithfully praying for me...I can endure the struggles.

The music from my cell phone rang when it was 6:30. I sleepily dragged myself out of bed and got a shower. Another day of my life....tiresome. I was finally ready at 7:30. Without a thought of finding something to munch on the way, I unwillingly left home. Calling to God seemed very urgent and important right then when I felt so desperate and helpless. I was scared. I had no clue what would lie ahead at the embassy. And i would give up the whole dream of going to Canada if this was not God's will.

Everyone knows how I hate formality and practicality. I would slack until my last minute to get my works done. I would suddenly feel sick when someone hands me a stack of paper full of ABCs and there's no picture in it. I am a HUGE procrastinator. But God has enduringly taught me to "grow up". There is no "mummy" to call for anymore since I stepped out of the "teen age" and entered the twenties (A little stop here, by this i mean it's my own business i need to deal with...not that she's gone). There is no more present protection, whom I could turn for a soothing hug, when I am turned down or scolded by strangers. I'm ON MY OWN. I need to be mature.

So let's come back to my embassy situation. When I got to the building, where Starbucks and Au Bon Pain are friends w/ "cool businessmen", I, an uptown girl, walked straight into a bank to buy the cashier cheque. Then I flew up to the 15th floor by a small tricky box called, "lift". Now once I got there, my stress level reached 90 degree...a little bit more and i'm sure i'd explode. There were 10 more applicants to go, so I pulled out my documentations and check again and again and again just in case...When my queue number was called, my heart was pounding so loud that i'm sure a lady sitting beside me could hear. I handed in my papers to the lady officer, who sat behind a big glass window looking like she hasn't had her "go" for 2 days. After a moment of stressful silence, she finally spoke up. "Your visit is during the school year eh?" I said yes. "Then you need your school transcript. The student certificate is not enough. No one will listen to your reasons...not enough proof." While I was managing in my head what those words meant, she shot at me w/ her last remark, "Do you understand? Come back later when you have your transcript".

And that was it.

So shocked as I was, I unconsciously walked out of the office not knowing what to do next. But one little voiced said that I needed to come to school....for what reasons I had no idea just yet....so I obeyed. And here I am...sitting in front of the computer screen feeling like I'd better make a move.

Sometimes we just think that God is like a nanny. We turn to Him for help only when we are desperate and helpless. Then when we get what we want, we just carelessly say thanks and ran away for some fake beauty or fun. Now I learned that He is more than that. He is the one whom all must fear and be trembled because He is the Lord, the Righteousness, the just Judge and the King.

Do pray that I'd learn more about fear and obedience, love and reliance, faith and trust. "Whatever the outcome may be, I will daily trust you, Lord."

A time for everything...

2007-05-08T02:04:00.000-07:00

"From this weak, broken-winged sparrow,

You have made it to be a strong eagle with the hawk's vision.

From this bruised, trampled rose,

You have made it to be a fresh, beautiful, delightful sunflower.

From this abandoned, lone scarecrow,

You have made it to be a lively, beloved human who breathes....

I am not the same anymore.

You are the ozone amongst the polluted air,

The sun at the dawn which gracefully gives warmth,

The lovely bright morning star,

The mounting moon in the blanketed night,

The oasis in the vast desert to the parched-throat,

And the rainbow after the rainstorm."

This is my true sincere expression towards my spirituality throughout the time I've been adventuring the world with God. There are times when everything seems to be crumbled down and all dark. But there are also times when the Divine intervenes and my teary eyes are able to see the path clearly again. I know I am not a writer nor a poet...but this I wrote to praise Him, to honor Him, to glorify Him and to thank Him...the Lord God almighty...the One who took human flesh and endured all things so that we are saved.

"Jesus, I love Thee".

"To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, And a time to heal;

A time to break down, And a time to build up;

A time to weep, And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, And a time to lose;

A time to keep, And a time to throw away;

A time to tear, And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;

A time to love, And a time to hate;

A time of war, And a time of peace."

Ecclesiates 3:1-8

In the remembrance of the amazing Grade 2

2007-03-26T01:46:00.000-07:00

Man! Second Graders are the coolest, funniest, brightest kids ever! There are 24 of them altogether and each of them is so unique. Today we went on a field trip to "Siam Ocean World" together, and it was a blast! To many people's eyes, they might be loud, wild, demanding but to my eyes they are smart, quick to learn and bright! (though sometimes i need to confess they aren't like that.) This is the picture taken on Halloween's day. People were supposed to dress fancy. Here we have a witch, a baseball player ghost, a bloody monster, a satan, a skeleton and a cat woman, our homeroom teacher - Miss Jenelle.

This is Seven, the funny, waggly boy. He is such a creative person. He loves to innovate things out of his scrap paper. lol But he is amazing. He cracks us up all the time with his innocent face and naivety. Today he has been all about a "managing my pocket money" person. He had 200 baht (that's quite a lot of money for a second grader. when i was 8 i got 50 baht at the most.) for his shopping. After he bought a drink or a snack, he would take out all of his money and counted how many baht he had left. So cute. And the thing that made him upset the most was that the souvenir shop gave him 10 baht change instead of 30 baht. And he loves coffee. Shocking!

Momae and Mind-Girl. Cuties. Mind-Girl is really smart. You could probably compare her to Hermione, Harry Potter's friend. In class, I always see her hands shot right up waiting eagerly to be picked to answer the questions. And she always gets dressed up beautifully when there's a big event. Momae...such a blessing to me. She used to be in esl2 but her improvement, to my eyes, was really big. It turned out that she didn't have to take esl2 anymore for the 2nd semester. She loves to tickle people and grab my bum. Today she told me, "Miss Mink, you have such a cute bum. Why?" My word...why like this? lol

Jenelle, the beautiful and devoted Grade 2 teacher. Thank God I've been asked to help her out. She loves reading, working out, shouting "QUIET!" to her students, watching chicky movies, listening to audio books, Louie Giglio, Som-Tum and chicken. Sad day, she will be leaving on April 5th but it'll probably be a happy day for so many others at home. Jenelle, You ROCK! I love you so much. You are an amazing, magnanimous teacher!

And the girl beside her, Heidi D., a sweet, gentle girl with beautiful sincere smile. Cracks me up all the time because of her thai. lol (Sorry, Heidi. Didn't mean to offend you.) She has such a respectful effort to learn this foreign language which she'll probably never be using it...but who knows. And to be honest she is pretty good. Eh?

Six crazy days...

2007-03-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

Six more days of school left at GES. What a blast! It'll surely be packed with a lot of parties, field-trips, games and goodbyes. But I'm not going to be here in Nonthaburi when these things happen because I'm going to Chiang-Mai and other northern provinces with my school for the whole week! Leaving Tuesday and coming back Saturday. Oh time is running short and there're so many more things I want to do...so many people I want to get together before leaving.

It is the time that I have to confront every year. Departing. Leaving memories behind. Future. Hug. Tear. Hope. Love. Someone said to me long time ago that, "To leave is to meet". It is true. It's been an invaluable year of struggle, relying on God, friendship and love. Precious treasure you can find nowhere else.

Wait

2007-03-14T02:07:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a whole month, I guess, that I haven't put anything up here at all. Wow...w...I can't believe time has flown by so fast! My teaching at NCA was over for almost 2 weeks now. There are only 2 and a half weeks of school left at GES. And my summer school at college will start pretty soon too. Oh, time never waits for anything. At a moment I thought I would bore myself to death because I didn't have anything to do, but a swift moment later when I look at myself again, there are too many jobs in my hands! What a crazy world! lol

Last two weeks, I got to go to Hua-Hin with a group of teachers. It was such a refreshing time for me. And I will post stories and pictures up pretty soon. But today I just want to welcome you to this Russel Kelfer's prayerful thought through his poem - WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, lovingly, I cried;

quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for clue to my fate…

and the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? You say wait?” my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate,

hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘Yes’ a go-ahead sign

or even a ‘No’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, Dear Lord,that if we believe,

we need but to ask and we shall receive.

Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry.

I’m weary of asking, I need a reply.”

Then quietly, softly I learned of my fate,

as my Master replied again “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair defeated and taunt,

and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting….for what?”
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

…and he tenderly said, “I could give you sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek, and pleased you would be.

You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in me,

when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You’d never experience the fullness of love,

when the peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give and I save for a start.

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,

the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask,

from an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,

when it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

but oh, the loss, if you missed what I am doing in you.
So be silent my child and in time you will see,

that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though my answers seem terribly late,

my most precious answer of all is still….wait.”

My friend, Kristin, shared this to me a while ago. And it suited me perfectly during that time. I am not going to say anything because these words have already spoken for me. When you are in the midst of confusion, your eyes are blurred with tears of anger and frustration, remember this God who knows you even before you were born and who loves you so dearly.

Seek and ye will find...God provides more than you can imagine.

Mink ^-^