The Dave Konig Blog

ED SULLIVAN'S GREATEST INTROS

2009-02-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Ed was truly the master of the variety intro.
From the archives, some of Ed's greatest:

TOPO GIGO
And now for you kids, Topo Gigo will be here, he's an adorabe little gerbil or hamster, some kind of rodent, an entertaining vermin of some sort, Topo Gigo - a disease ridden rodent!

SENOR WENCES
Senor Wences will be here. Right here on this stage, Senor Wences will perform open heart surgery on himself. Senor Wences!

BAVARIAN GAY MIDGETS
From Bavaria - forty two homosexual midgets will perform the world's largest human pyramid!

EARTHA KITT
Eartha Kitt and Cat Stevens will be here to cough up hairballs!

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN

The entire cast of the hit Broadway musical Annie Get Your Gun will be here. They will all get a gun and start shooting people in our studio audience!

FRANK GORSHIN
Coming up next - impressionist Frank Gorshin!

SHTICK-TO-IT-IVNESS!

2009-01-19T19:34:00.000-08:00

YOU WRITE THE JOKE – MULTIPLE CHOICE!

Write your own comedy routine! Each “set up” has three possible “punchlines” – but only one punch line is correct! Find the right punch line and write your own jokes!

1) My brother-in-law is so dumb, he –

(a)…has difficulty accomplishing even the simplest of tasks, such as basic arithmetic and remedial spelling.
(b)…he was eating pie, forgot where his mouth was, and accidentally stabbed himself in the side of his head with a fork.
(c)…thinks manual labor is a Mexican singer.

2) My hotel room is so small –

(a)…it is uncomfortable.
(b)…I got a discounted rate.
(c)…I have to sleep standing up.

3) I just got back from a pleasure trip –

(a)…I went to Florida.
(b)…I took my mother-in-law to Florida.
(c)…I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

(Answers: 1-c, 2-c, 3-c)

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NEW BUSINESS SPEAK

Tired of “going forward”? Looking for new business speak phrases you can use “at the end of the day”? Try these new business speak phrases, and see how they “impact” your life!

1) “Greasing hamsters” (replaces “going forward”)
Use in sentence: “Hey Bob, at the end of the day, how will that new financial plan impact us greasing hamsters?”

2) “In the back of the bus” (replaces “at the end of the day”)
Use in sentence: “Hey Bob, in the back of the bus, how will that new financial plan impact us greasing hamsters?”

3) “Ointment” (replaces “impact”)
Use in sentence: “Hey Bob, in the back of the bus, how will that new financial plan ointment us greasing hamsters?”

I HAD A DREAM

2009-01-19T08:31:00.000-08:00

I MARCHED WITH DR. KING

I marched with Martin Luther King. I was right behind him and I kept accidentally stepping on the heel of his shoe. Oh, he was nice about it - but by the end of the day, you could tell he was starting to get irritated with me.

I HAD A DREAM

Dr. Martin Luther King had a dream. It was his dream that someday all men would live together in peace and brotherly love. I too had a dream. I dreamt I was a registered nurse and I was giving a sponge bath to Salma Hayek.

SHTICK IT TO THE MAN!

2009-01-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

BAD INVENTIONS

Not everyone can be Thomas Edison. These inventions are not only impractical, they’re useless.

1) PANTS OINTMENT – Some kind of ointment you apply directly to your pants.

2) EDIBLE HAIRNETS – The head hygeine product you can eat.

3) 2-D GLASSES – Takes three dimensional images and transforms them into flat, two dimensional images, sucking all the depth right out of them.

4) COFFEE FLAVORED MEAT – For the guy or gal on the go. For meat lovers who love a good cup of joe, but just don’t have time to broil a steak and brew a pot of coffee.

5) THE NUMBER “BLINX” – A new number between “6” and “8” that replaces the increasingly unpopular number “7”. The symbol for “blinx” is kind of hard to describe, but it looks sort of like an ampersand with a slanty line in the middle of it.

6) LOOFAH ACCESSORIES – For people who really like to exfoliate, matching loofah clothes to go with your loofah gloves: loofah hats, loofah pants, loofah socks, loofah scarves…

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ADVICE FOR DADS: NEW BABY IN THE HOUSE?

Are you a new dad trying to get some sleep? Is your wife telling you it’s your turn to get out of bed and go to your crying baby? Try these sure-fire lines:

1) “Honey, that’s not the baby – it’s one of those new baby car alarms! It’s the car alarm that sounds like the ear piercing wail of a crying baby. See, the criminal tries to break into your car, he hears that, and he thinks: ‘I’m being attacked by a giant baby!’ Then, he runs away. Okay, I’m going back to sleep now.”

2) “That’s not the baby – it’s just an ice cream truck. Instead of playing a pleasant sing-songy jingle to entice children to buy ice cream, they’re experimenting with a recording of the ear piercing wail of a crying baby. It’s a new marketing technique. Okay, I’m going back to sleep now.”

3) “What baby? I don’t hear a baby? I have amnesia! Who are you? Who am I? How did you get into my bed? Okay, I’m going back to sleep now.”

Good luck!

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WHAT DO NUDISTS DREAM?

Do nudists have recurring dreams that they are at a party with all their clothes on and no one is staring at them?

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DEATH TO AMERICA DAY

For the past thirty years in Iran they have had a national “Death To America” Day. However, some of the older Iranian revolutionaries feel the original intent of the holiday has been lost, and it is now just an excuse to run Death To America Day sales at the department stores.

Links To All of Dave Konig's National Review Online Columns!

2004-09-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

DAVE KONIG ON JOE BIDEN
http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=ZmQ2NjA4NGNlYzY3MDMwNDE3MDk4ZThhMWQ5ZjcxODE=

DAVE KONIG ON THE NEW YORK GUARD http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NWFiYzZlNGEwNDY1YmYwYWRiYTYzMmRkMDQ2ZmQxZTY=