Le ShallowGal

Turducken - gate 2009

2009-07-10T00:37:00.002-04:00

When ShallowGal started blogging, she spent many, many hours deciding what kind of blog she wanted to write. Finally she settled on writing a Canadian blog.

But then SG decided she didn't want to be pigeon-holed. (1) Which is why this particular post has lingered in the draft folder for several weeks. (1.5)

Because nobody likes a cooking-failure blog. But everybody wants to read about turduckens. It's the classic Catch-22 scenerio, just like Joseph Heller alluded to.

Without further ado: ShallowGal's turducken's debacle time line.

This picture borrowed from affordableturducken.com
because the only thing crazier than a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey
is overpaying for it. (2)

1 week prior: See half-price turducken while perusing clearance meat department. Decide to fulfill PCSguy's second greatest poultry-related fantasy.

3 days prior: Move bird from freezer to fridge to begin what box claims will be a 36 hour thaw. ♫ A 36 hour thaw. ♫ (3)

Noon, the big day: Turducken still mostly frozen. Against better judgment and actual health department training, move turducken to kitchen counter.

3:00PM: Place turducken, covered in recycled foil (3.5), in 325 degree preheated oven for its three hour tour. (4)

5:00 PM: Check turducken's temperature. 120 degrees. Boost oven to 350.

5:15 PM: Answer endless questions from 4 year old about whether the chicken swallowed the duck before or after it got eaten by the turkey. Listen to 11 year old laugh uncontrollably at the idea that the chicken was probably stuffed up the turkey's butt.

6:00 PM: Take turducken's temperature. 135 degrees. Boost temperature to 400 degrees and stick a tray of frozen appetizers in as well.

6:20 PM: Feed posse bacon-wrapped filet on teeny toothpicks. Discuss possibility of ordering pizza.

7:00 PM: Scream at PCSguy that this is clearly his fault for coveting such a freak of nature.

It looks more like a chicken and a duck inside a turkey together
while I was led to believe the duck was inside the chicken
or possibly vice versa. At this point, we don't know.

7:30 PM: Decide to serve the posse the outermost pieces. Serve PCSguy a piece that looks like the duck's kidney. Save the rest to make turducken curry the next day. (5)

7:31: The posse announces that it tastes like turkey loaf. Nobody asks for seconds, although everyone does ask if SG plans to blog about this. ShallowGal bites back the words "I told you so" because rather than tasting sweet, it tastes kind of poultry-ish.

1) And there's the slight issue of not being Canadian. Unless I'm in the running for best Canadian blog, and then let's throw another shrimp on the barbie.
1.5) Since May 26th to be exact.
2) That's not their official tag line, but they are welcome to it. I foresee no further use for it here.
3) To the tune of the Gilligan's Island Theme song, in case you're Canadian, like me, since we just watched DeGrassi and ice hockey.
3.5) I may poison my family, but I'm saving the planet, dammit!
4) I really wish I had saved that joke, it's better here.
5) Do I even need to tell you that never happened?

An Accounting of ShallowGal's Summer

2009-07-09T10:39:00.006-04:00

Miles driven, without ever leaving Fairfax county: 490
Times driven past the gym while wearing workout gear (1) : 42
Times SG has entered the gym: 0

Amount spent on emotional / behavioral testing for child who shall remain nameless: $2500
Number of recent tantrums from that child: 0
Number of recent tantrums from other 2 children: 11

Cases of swine flu: 2
Hours spent in ER: 5

Number of swim meets attended: eleventy billion
Number of points Noa has scored this summer for her team: 12 1/2
Number of points Noa scored total her past 3 years on the team: 2 1/2
On a scale from 1-10, Jake's jealousy at his sister's success: 5

Summer workbooks purchased: 4
Summer workbooks opened: 0

Number of ideas SG has had for a blog post: 28
Number of times SG sat down to blog and instead researched Costa Rican surf schools: 28

1) Conveniently located next to Eli's camp and the skating rink.

What happens when 4 year olds are unsupervised on You Tube

2009-06-26T16:40:00.010-04:00

Apparently Jake left the computer browser on You Tube. (1) Eli was following the directions from the nice man on the Disney Channel who told him to go to Disney channel and type in key word Oso. And now he sings this ALL. FUCKING. DAY. LONG.

He's covered in pop tarts, paint and band-aid. He's so gross that even he can't stand it (2)

Eventually ShallowGal remembered some 7th grade Spanish and solved the mystery. (3)

Considering the other words Eli knows how to spell,
I'd say we really dodged a bullet.
Although after a few hundred viewings of this, a little porn doesn't seem so bad.

Next, SG should get Eli to fix the html code because she can't figure out how to un- italics stuff and fix the formatting.

1)Yes, I know.
2) At the end of his video he says "I'm going to go run my bath."
3) Oso must be Spanish for Gummy Bear.

Get your ShallowGal fix here

2009-06-22T08:34:00.002-04:00

Dear Reader:

Yes, ShallowGal's been MIA lately. It's been a giant clusterfuck of stomach flu and burst pipes around here.(1) And lethargy. Lots of lethargy.

But SG did manage to squeak out something over at DC Metro Moms. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but if you feel it in your heart, please head over there and give me some lovin'. Muchas Gracias.

And there are about a dozen posts stacked in my draft file, all with exciting titles like "my garden" and "this is not my mother's gourmet club" so don't give up on me quite yet.

xo, SG

1) Why do those 2 things always occur simultaneously in this house?

Why my book club is better than your book club (1)

2009-06-10T19:48:00.002-04:00

Don't get all up in my grill, it's well past 5 o'clock (2)

2) We're not all caught up in the old-fashioned idea that we actually have to read a book. Don't get me wrong; we all read plenty of books, just not the same one at the same time. That way we can pass around one copy. Saving trees and being fiscally responsible.

3) Really there isn't a number 3 (3) but having the same numbers repeated on the list and footnotes was kind of confusing. (4)

1) Cause he eats kennel rations.
2) In Paris.
3) Cause I don't want you to feel bad about your inferior book club.
4) No footnote either but we could be here all night otherwise trying to conquer my OCD.

Mostly Wordless Weekend. A Public Service Announcement: PCSguy-Style

2009-06-06T20:24:00.011-04:00

Do not pick a fight with your wife while you are on the roof cleaning the gutters.

Because the ladder is light and the ShallowGal, vindictive.

The posse is generally on ShallowGal's side.
Especially when she offers ice cream with the after-dinner show.

Even if they could be bribed from the roof,
the posse's ideas are derived from cartoons and generally impractical.

And for some reason, nobody seems to be out walking their dog tonight.

Note: No PCSguys were harmed in the making of this PSA. Yet.

Just when you thought that ShallowGal had taken the 3 bottles of Pantene and left the country

2009-06-04T07:55:00.006-04:00

But really SG was just overwhelmed with the concept of writing eleven different names on little pieces of paper, finding a hat, rounding up the posse, explaining the concept of just picking one name, taking the paper out of the hat, writing posse's names on little pieces of paper and picking those to determine who gets to pick their little piece of paper first.

You'd consider taking the conditioner and leaving the country too.

But after a week of paralyzing anxiety, SG simply decided to go the random number generator route.

Even the internet is fucking with me this morning

According to the time stamp, it took seven full minutes
for SG to figure out how to handle this mini-catastrophe.

Marathon Mom, Inna and Julie ~ congratulations! Please email me your address.

Where SG's been the past week since clearly she hasn't been here

2009-05-27T07:30:00.002-04:00

1. Trying to break her high score of 91 on scramble, despite not knowing such obvious words as caiques, ngwee, voudouns, dunt, and guiro. (1)

2. Dealing with undisclosed medical problems of a child who will not be identified. (2)

3. Writing a post entitled "Why Bravo needs to cast ShallowGal in The Real Housewives of Northern Virginia." Except then it turns out that they really are casting this. And Jessica A Piss has already written this exact post. (3)

4. Caring for a 10 month old foster baby, planting the garden and debating (endlessly) with PCSGuy and the posse about getting a dog.

5. But mostly playing scramble.

1) Caique: Turkish rowboat: a long narrow rowboat used in the waters around Turkey.
ngwee: subunit of Zambian currency: a subunit of Zambian currency.
We didn't find a match on " voudouns" but we found the following alternate spellings for you.
Dunt: injury from blow: the injury or damage caused by a hit or a blow
Guiro: gourd scraped to make music: a musical instrument of Central and South America, made from a gourd with grooves cut so that a rasping sound is created when a stick is scraped across it.
2) It's not as dire as it sounds, it's just one of those embarrassing issues that said child would never forgive me for writing about.
3) But she also got Lolita Travelsalot and I (and our 4 year olds) advanced screening passes for UP so no hard feelings.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The "she totally deserved the Gold " (1) edition

2009-05-20T14:43:00.005-04:00

Just add it to the list of things my kids can do that I can't. (2)

1) She did get a gold in Interpretative skating, 8 years old, Freestyle 1. In this event she got the silver. Jake won the gold in his event. Which if we were a country, would put us just ahead of Portugal.
2) Already on the list: downloading music to my ipod, a legal 25 meter butterfly and anything to do with the HD setting on the new tv.

It's ironic that SG can't think of a title for this post because lately, SG can think of lots of titles but no posts.

2009-05-18T08:15:00.001-04:00

It's the world's oldest story. Girl meets girl. Girl loses girl. Girl finds girl. Second girl tells first girl about the world's most awesome conditioner that she'd never find on her own because it's actually marketed to women of color. You've heard it a million times, if you've heard it once. (1)

See when Jake was two, we belonged to this playgroup. (2) Not the playgroup that lead to her yearly bay weekend, but the playgroup that sprang from her La Leche League meeting and led to her book club. (3) (Like most mothers, SG uses her kids as a magnet to make new friends.)

Once day, my friend Paula brought her friend Ellen to the playgroup. Ellen was the mother of twin girls and a quiet talker.

Ellen only came to one playgroup, but I ran into her all the time, mostly at Target. And every time say "Hi Ellen" and she'd look at me funny. "I'm Paula's friend" I'd explain. And Ellen would smile politely . Then I'd call Paula and say "I just ran into your friend Ellen" and she'd whisper "the quiet talker?" and I'd whisper back "want to wear my ruffled shirt?" and we'd both laugh. Paula is a very patient friend.

In 2004, SG stopped going to Target. (4) and thus didn't see Ellen for four years. Then last year, SG ran into Ellen at the ice rink, and OMG, she looked fabulous. Everything. Her hair. Her make-up. Her clothes. Her hair. Especially her hair.

I asked her what her secret was. "Pantene," she said quietly. "The relaxed & natural conditioner, for Women of Color."

And the rest is history.

A million times, you've heard this story. But here's your reward for listening to it again:

ShallowGal has three bottles of Pantene to give away.

And SG has some scoop: Pantene is going to be at BlogHer 2009 . And celebrity hair stylist Hallie Bowman will be there too! You've seen her magic on stars like Keri Russell, Emmy Rossum, Isla Fisher, Liv Tyler and Lucy Liu. She'll be doing a few hair makeovers on bloggers too ~ stay tuned for details on that!

To win a bottle of conditioner ~ leave a comment on this post. It can be about anything: BlogHer, Pantene, hair, ruffled shirts, anything. SG will then employ the old school method of writing everyone's name on a tiny piece if paper and having each kid pick one. (5) Contest ends May 22nd, 2009 at midnight.

1) But I'll only tell you once. Today. (Meaning I'll tell you once today and then possibly again tomorrow. Not I'll only tell you once and that time will be today. Punctuation matters (6), kids! Stay in school!
2) It's entirely possible all ShallowGal's stories start circa 1999.
3) It is SO a book club. We've read over 100 books. Shaheen kept a list.
4) Another story for another time.
5) That's why SG is giving away three bottles. If every kid didn't have a chance to pick a tiny piece of paper out of a tupperware container, SG would never hear the end of it.

6) A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

ShallowGal's Cake-tastrophe

2009-05-11T20:02:00.006-04:00

Step 1: Buy cookbook at a yard sale. Find recipe for this cake.

Picture borrowed from this baker (1)

Remember that SG marked the exact same recipe in another cookbook.(2) Clearly it is a sign that SG is meant to make this cake. Decide that since ShallowGal will only turn 40 once (3) proper celebration should ensue. Piss off PCSguy and the posse by announcing plans to bake own birthday cake. (4)

Step 2: Head to the neighborhood Giant. For a teeny neighborhood supermarket, there is rarely an ingredient so obscure, I can't find it here. Until today. The culprit: Dutch processed cocoa powder.

Step 3: Visit four other supermarkets, come up empty handed. Debate canceling birthday.

According to twitter, SG has a long history of canceling holidays
for much less than a missing can of dutch processed cocoa powder

Step 4: Dutch processed cocoa is only needed for cake layers, all ingredients for the pudding layer, clearly the most important part of this cake, are available. Devise plan to use boxed cake mix. Return home to make pudding. Start talking in a fake Dutch accent. (5)

Step 5: Make pudding following cookbook's directions to cook for 2-4 minutes. Assume runny pudding will somehow miraculously jell during its four hour visit to the refrigerator. Consume birthday cocktail.

Step 6: Move on to cake portion. Discover that well-stocked pantry contains 6 boxes of cake mix: five of them carrot and one, Christmas funfetti. Borrow chocolate mix from neighbor. Bake cake with much "help" from the posse. Let cool and slice horizontally into 4 mini layers. Crumble one layer to use as topping.

Step 7: Consume lamb kabobs and a bottle of shiraz. Open fridge to inspect pudding which is still a runny mess. Learn that pudding was actually supposed to cook for 24 minutes. Make one box of instant chocolate pudding and open a can of Pillsbury chocolate frosting.

Step 8: Announce "I have the best idea!" SG's Mom asks "Is it to pour Kahlua over the crumbs? " Indeed it is. PCSguy stops, stunned at this silent melding of great minds. Pour Kahlua over the crumbled layer. Eli shrieks "Mommy is pouring wine over the cake! " Assure Eli that Kahlua crumbs will not touch the rest of the cake. Consider eating Kahlua soaked crumbs right out of the bowl, stopping only because it would be better with cool whip.

Step "For the Love of all things holy just finish the dang cake so we can get on with our lives" : Assemble the cake in the following order: Plate, mini layer of cake, 1/2 the pudding, mini layer of cake, 1/2 can of frosting. Attempt to place the last layer on top, but the middle falls out causing the cake to resemble a volcano made of artificial ingredients and sewage. Fill the hole with pudding. When children run for the camera, sprinkle with Kahlua soaked crumbs.

This looks nothing like the cookbook photo, which makes no sense
since SG followed the directions almost exactly.

Frost sides of cake. (6) Allow 4 year old to dump entire can of sprinkles on top to get him to not blab about the "wine cake" to his brother and sister. Top with a single blue candle.

Like turning 40 wasn't bad enough.

Step "I will never complain about Coldstone Creamery charging $30 for a cake again" Eat and enjoy. Ignore children who laugh at your cake and pronounce it "bad."

Step Because you know ShallowGal never knows when to just call it quits: The next morning pour runny pudding back into a saucepan over medium heat for 24 minutes. Let cool in fridge for 4 hours. Visit seven more supermarkets in search of dutch processed cocoa. Return empty handed. Placate self by eating 3 cups of perfect-layer-cake pudding with a spoon. Plunge into chocolate coma.

1) Who did a double mitzvah in a) lending me this photo and b) pointing out the error in the recipe, albeit just a tad too late.
2) Step 1 1/2: Wonder exactly how many copies of the same cookbook I own.
3) Although I have turned 29 multiple times.
4) Piss off English teachers everywhere by changing grammatical person repeatedly, often within the same sentence.
5) SG's entire knowledge of Dutch accents comes from an Austin Powers movies.
6) Side of cake? How many sides does a circle have?

It's the 4 year old version of "I slept with this girl. You don't know her. She lives in Canada."

2009-05-08T15:49:00.003-04:00

Eli & I were on our way to a DC Metro Mom event sponsored by PBS Kids. Despite the fact that Eli is the single most outgoing child on the planet, I felt the need to prep him for the childcare situation:

SG: We're going to have such a good time. You're going to get to meet your new friend Quinn.

Eli: I already have a friend named Quinn. Can we go to McDonald's instead?

You have a friend named Quinn?

Yes. He's five and lives in New York.

Eli sounds so convinced that I believe him. I run through the various cousins and other people we lump in the "friend" category for someone named Quinn and come up blank.

Really? Where did you meet him?

I mean Paris. He lives in Paris. Now can we go to McDonald's?

Here's someone you don't get to meet at McDonald's. Or Paris.

All John Hughes movies aside (1) , it was fascinating to learn how much work and thought (2) PBSkids puts into each episode. They even shared with the DC Metro Moms the results of an independent study that showed that viewing episodes of SuperWhy helped low-income children improve their early literacy skills.

And all this time, SG was pushing PBS on her kids just to avoid the crush cup commercials.

1) An earlier draft referred to Eli's many friends named Quinn in the Niagra Falls area, having a fake ID so he could vote, his low tolerance to dehydration and warned that "if he gets up, we'll all get up. It'll be anarchy." But the nice people at PBS kids deserved better than that.
2) Someone who shall remain nameless could learn from them. Fine, I mean me.

Passive-aggressive notes, ShallowGal style

2009-05-06T10:24:00.009-04:00

On our Baycation, Noa and Jake fought. A lot.

Here's the thing. Honestly, I don't care if they fight so long as they don't touch each other and I don't have to listen to it. And this fight broke rule #2.

After several warnings, I sat them down to impose my new favorite consequence for making me listen to loud children : writing each other an apology note.

Jake, being the typical first child, sat down and wrote his note:

I wish I could blame the camera, but Jake's handwriting actually is this blurry.

Translation: Dear Noa, I'm sorry I used bad manners to you and I will use better manners in the future and hope you'll forgive me and I'm very sorry I pushed you. (1) It was wrong to do and I'll use better manners. I'm also very sorry I got you into trouble too. Love, Jake.

Fine. Jake is released and goes into the next room to watch television with his friends.

Now Noa HATES to write. It's actually a little upsetting to me, since writing is one of my all-time favorite pastimes. But it does make for a good punishment for her. Maybe.

This exercise in apparent child abuse brought to you by Hyatt

Dear Jake: I'm sorry for doing nothing, Noa. PS: I did not touch you :(

Nobody will ever accuse me of being the Queen of follow-thru, but there is no way I am going to accept this. Noa points out that there is no more hotel stationary and I counter by showing her that the back of her note is blank. Back to the desk Noa heads.

The instructions were to write a full page note.

Noa took advantage of the fact that the hotel stationary was unlined.

Translation: Dear tattle tail, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Noa

This now poses a dilemma for SG: should she submit it to Passive aggressive notes.com or save it for her own blog? Noa takes advantage of SG's confusion and escapes to watch tv. The end.

1) So in writing this note Jake also admitted to breaking rule #1, but at this point, I have bigger fish to fry. Well, I guess technically a littler fish. But a little, mean fish, like those miniature sharks. Or an electric eel.

How to make your own yogurt, ShallowGal style, and other half-assed topics

2009-05-01T14:28:00.014-04:00

Over the past few months, SG has started several posts that were headed absolutely nowhere. So they sat in her draft folder for months and months. Then one day SG posted a ridiculous bunch of random thoughts about comments and got 21 comments in return (1) Turns out you guys don't expect me to have a point.

1) Last month I made yogurt in the crockpot.

Hands down the crunchiest thing I've ever done.
Crunchy in a creamy way.

I used this recipe which called for a gallon of organic milk and (wait for it) yogurt. So it's like if you were going to make a lasagna and the ingredient list called for meat and cheese and, oh yeah, a little tiny lasagna. But everyone in real life that I test drove that joke on, went off on some scientific tangent about starters.

2) Then there was the time that SG decided to solve the Craigs List killer mystery.(2)

This post was thwarted by SG's inability to post a decent screen shot.

Basically SG was trolling Craigs List and found this guy who was willing to barter his income tax expertise for a massage. On April 16th. Busted. But then it wasn't him. I tried.

3) Today is PCSGuy's birthday. But we celebrated that last year, and we have to be careful not to set a precedent here.

4) I think it's only fair to warn you guys that SG is on a diet. The South Beach Diet. The diet where SG can't eat cookies. And she simultaneously gave up diet coke. Because SG is not going to be Forty AND Fat. It's one or the other, and I can't change my birth certificate. Trust me, I've tried.

1) Although PCSGuy claims I was basically begging for comments there. Pity comments, he may have called them.
2) What's the most important part of telling a joke?TIMING. That joke isn't too funny in print but in real life, it's hilarious. And before you accuse me of misnumbering footnotes, the point was that blogging about the Craig's List killer now is akin to blogging about the 2007 Miss Universe Pageant.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: When 4 year olds pack their own lunchbox

2009-04-29T19:59:00.003-04:00

I know the Brita filter seems like an odd choice,
but it fits the school's criteria of being kosher, dairy and nut-free.

No comment

2009-04-24T15:46:00.004-04:00

Here's what I have: A blog that I haven't updated in 4 days, some random thoughts about comments, children interrupting me every 39 seconds for ice cream, and a title. (1)

Here's what I don't have: A point. (2)

We'll make do.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was comment of the day on Jenny's blog? I haven't commented there since because I can't stand the thought of not being COTD. The pressure is too great.

One time Marinka tweeted about a comment I left on her blog. Multi-media!

Kristin once responded to a comment of mine with: "Amy, I don't even care what I write any more. I just pound out any old thing that comes into my head, just HOPING that you'll leave a comment because you're comments are so freaking *funny* : )" Is that bragging?

Someone once left me a comment that said something like "thanks for leaving a comment on my blog." That's when I realized that comments beget comments. However, I'm pretty sure that person never came back. So I don't know what the lesson is.

I base my self worth on the number of comments each entry got. The one about my kids skating got five. That makes me feel like a semi-productive member of society. Ten comments makes me look thinner.

You know what irritates me? When you read someone's blog and they have like 2000 comments. I mean, doesn't person 1997 realize that ~~Dooce~~ that person is never going to read their comment and it's just going to hang there in cyberspace forever? Where as I print out and frame all of my comments?

I've left several comments on other people's blogs recently, that I thought were pretty clever. I even thought about expanding on the idea to make a post of my own. Instead I tracked them down and cut and pasted them here. Which took like 3 times longer than writing an actual post.

In response to a post about how someone said the Craigs List killer "wouldn't hurt a fly" and how people who claim that are usually bonkers, I had this to say:

OK that reminds me of a story. Last year, I was letting Eli smash gypsy caterpillars outside the preschool and another little boy started to do it too. His mother told him to stop, because, and I quote (hence the quotation marks) "We don't do that in our family.

Then she smiled all condescendingly and said "No offense, we're just tree huggers" and I said "Well since gypsy caterpillars KILL the trees, maybe you should squoosh them."

Then I might have said "In your face" or possibly "Geech." Anyway, she moved away the following month, and I like to think it's mostly because of me.

In response to a proposal to start an online book club reading Ulysess:

Before I commit I have a few questions:

1) James Joyce's version? Cause it's really long.

2) It only got 4 stars on Amazon. Nauti Intentions got 5 stars. Shouldn't we read that since it's clearly a superior work of fiction?

1) The title is supposed to be a play on words but it really makes no sense whatsoever because, clearly, I comment.
2) Or a book deal. WTF?

The true cost of raising a non champion.

2009-04-20T07:47:00.010-04:00

A recent article (1) declared that it costs $269,520 to raise a child from birth to age 17. My first thought?

Clearly they aren't raising a figure skater.

I have two. Potentially three.

(Before we go any further, I would like to address my husband: PCSguy, I love you. Look at the size of that cat! Is he gone? Good.)

(I was taught that it's gauche to talk about money. So let's not talk money. Let's talk opportunity costs. And I'm not even sweating the details like the de rigeur figure skater magnet for my car or the coffee needed to chauffeur kids to the rink twice a week before school.)

Every year each child needs new skates. We're not talking those $30 plastic jobs with velcro closures you see at Dicks. We're talking an Italian Mosaic 60-inch Round Dining Room table from Arhaus (on sale).

The kids share three half hour private lessons every week at a yearly cost of a one week villa rental in Tortola. That's just the lesson, the ice time sets me back a bottle of Penfolds Koonunga Hill Shiraz-Cabernet 2006. Each. That's a bottle of wine every night (except Sunday, because c'mon) with dinner.

Two weeks of skating camp = a Tory Burch weekend bag.

Then there's off-ice strength training, competition fees, special skating tights, dresses, pants. . .

So what does this get me? Last month the World's Ice Skating Championships was on television. If you squinted really really hard, you still didn't see my kids. Unless you were looking in my family room window, and then I don't want to know. (1.5) And the winter Olympics in Vancouver in 2010? We saw them building the stadium last summer. And that's the closest we'll get to that.

I'm fully aware that I'm not raising champions on ice. Is their happiness worth a 2009 BMW x5? (2)

Take Jake. Jake used to walk into walls. Jake fell UP the stairs on a regular basis. Now look at him.

Noa didn't walk until she was almost two. Check her out now.

They're happy. They're strong. They're confident.

They are champions to me.

Anyway, if we didn't skate where would I go in my a BMW x5? And what tacky silver magnets would I decorate it with? (3)

1) "A recent article" is the second lamest way to start any piece of writing, following "The dictionary defines. . . " And yet, here we are.
1.5) This is where I remind you that we have a really big dog.
2) Gauche math is hard. Kids enjoyment of skating = 2009 BMW X5 - 2004 Honda Pilot with 60,000 miles.
3) Ending with a preposition is pretty major offense as well.

The one where SG sends you someplace else, again

2009-04-18T19:44:00.002-04:00

ShallowGal's over at DC Metro Moms today. In the dead-zone Saturday spot. (1) Come show me some love.

1) Lesson learned. No more calling the pacifier fairy a bitch.

There are no words Wednesday

2009-04-15T13:05:00.003-04:00

I don't know if it's the weather, or lingering sadness about Maddie, Thalon and Hannah or hormones or the fact it's tax day, but pretty much everyone I know could use a pick-me-up. I dare you to watch this and not feel better.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Her entire performance is here on YouTube (but embedding has been disabled)

How to Plan a Baycation, SG style (Now with music!)

2009-04-14T14:53:00.011-04:00

Baycation
all I ever wanted

Baycation
had to get away

Baycation
meant to be spent alone (1)

Step 1) Plan multiple trips to Costa Rica for Spring Break, but ultimately back out because you don't want to leave grandma. Complain endlessly, to anyone who will listen, about lack of exciting plans.

Step 2) Real life friend, Lolita Travelsalot points out ad in Washington Post for the Hyatt Regency Chesapeake Bay Golf Resort, Spa & Marina. Decide to take combined six children for one night.

Step 3) Pack. Total baggage for a one night trip: six bathing suits and changes of underwear, 5 ipods, 4 Nintendo DS and a cooler full of beer and cheese sticks.

Step 3.5: Load up the car and plug in children

Step 4) Warn children to use potty before leaving house. This car will not stop for the next 101 miles.

Unless the moms get a hankering for an Egg McMuffin & coffee

Step 5) Arrive and enjoy everything the Hyatt has to offer: indoor pool, water slide, moon bounces, chair massages, face painting, exploring the marsh, watching the cooking demonstrations, making s'mores in the fire pit, playing with the giant chess set and the ever popular elevator button pushing. Wear children out.

PCSguy was curious if I turned him back around after taking the picture
Let's just go ahead and say "yes."

Step 6) Return home. Coin phrase 'baycation'. Plan to retire early on royalties.

Bottom Line: Hyatt Regency Chesapeake Bay Golf Resort, Spa & Marina~ sixteen thumbs up!

1) You do not even want to know how long it took SG to come up with that song. Hey Hyatt people, feel free to use it! Thanks for the fruit basket!

ShallowGal's Midlife Blogging Crisis

2009-04-12T15:23:00.005-04:00

I had this new feature planned for Friday, entitled Freaky Friday Fortune, where I was going to feature a bizarre fortune found in a fortune cookie. (1) (2)

Obviously this feature was inspired the following fortune:

A carrot a day, may help keep cancer away

When Jake opened his cookie and read his message, my first thought was "when did the carrot lobby get so influential?" and my second was "I should blog about this."

And then Jake said "Are you going to blog about this?" and I realized I was becoming predictable. And then I lost the fortune and was completely paralyzed; nothing else could be written until I posted this. So now I'm predictable and compulsive. Excellent.

1) This feature has a lifespan of 2 weeks, tops. We just don't eat that much Chinese food.
2) I really overused the word Fortune in this paragraph, considering how flipping obvious this entire concept is.

And now back to our regularly scheduled, um, excuses

2009-04-06T14:42:00.003-04:00

I'm not entirely sure of the etiquette (1) , but please direct your attention to today's DC Metro Moms. Maybe comment while you're there, you know, before they get buyers remorse.

The most exciting part of this adventure: DCMM (2) uses TypePad which has the appropriate function to properly place footnotes. Hello Blogger, I'm looking at you!

I wish I could say that collaborating on a THIRD blog wouldn't cut into the time I spend here, but our entire relationship is built on trust, and I wouldn't want to ruin that. Unless you want to build a new relationship built entirely on cream puffs. Cause I could really go for a cream puff right around now.

1) Also not entirely sure I care.
2) Look at me with the blogger slang. DCMM stands for DC Metro Moms. At least it should.

RIP Alzheimer Grandma

2009-04-03T20:10:00.007-04:00

So here's the thing. I know you think you have the best Grandma, but I'm sorry to say that you were mistaken. I had the best Grandma ever. Had. She died yesterday morning.

I'm going to say this was last Halloween, because I swear I don't usually let him leave the house like this .

Grandma was a real lady. She always gave advice like "moisturize your elbows because otherwise when you go to a dance and wear long gloves and all the boys can see is your elbows and if you have dry elbows then no boys will ask you to dance." If you see me at BlogHer, ask to see my elbows. Like a baby's bottom. Sans poop.

She had a pretty decent sense of humor as well. During a family game of Scattergories, when everyone else filled in the "Question starting with W" with an innocuous "Who's there?" or "When are you coming?" Grandma wanted to know "Where are the fathers of all these bastard children?" (1)

When Papa had a heart attack in the Fall of 2005, my mom & I moved them from their Del Boca Vista condo to a Sunrise facility halfway between our houses. While the circumstances sucked, this afforded my children an amazing opportunity; to spend serious quality time with their great-grandparents.

And we did.

We visited every week, usually two or three times a week. My kids knew every resident of that Sunrise, which ones to avoid and which ones had candy. Every hallway, every passcode. Which aides would sneak them a can of Shasta and where the cat liked to hide. They joined in at Art time, helped with crossword puzzles and generally made themselves at home.

At first, Grandma's Alzheimers wasn't too bad. She was quirky, worried about things like sinking submarines and people stealing her socks (2) But when Papa suffered his second heart attack and was hospitalized, leaving her alone in the strange new surroundings she quickly fell apart. One day I tried to take her to get her hair done and watch Noa's ballet class. We were stopping at the bank to deposit her social security check, when she became convinced that we were actually robbing the bank. (3) Immediately she sprang into action with a plan to hide the car and ditch the fuzz (4) I took her back to the facility and never got the guts to take her out by myself again.

About 8 weeks ago things started deteriorating rapidly. Grandma left the hospital and entered hospice. We upped our visits to as often as possible but it didn't help. Last month she stopped talking and then last week she stopped eating.

Alzheimer's Disease is a real bitch I tell you.

Today, for the first time in four years, my kids are off school and I have no idea what to do with them. In their condolences, people tell me how lucky Grandma was to have us, but they have it wrong. We were the lucky ones.

1) Although in retrospect, it was the first sign of the Alzheimer's disease and she was possibly referring to MY kids. Still, pretty damn funny.
2) Which actually was a real problem, it turned out.
3) Which, fyi, we were not.
4) I have NO idea. I'm guessing movies?

Famous people SG saw, semi-famous people SG met and not at all famous people SG fell in love with

2009-03-31T10:54:00.000-04:00

Although ShallowGal was certainly tempted to drag out this post into 3 separate posts, she kindly consolidated it into one very long and fairly dull post. Which frees up the rest of her week to also not blog. You're very welcome.

Part 1) Famous People SG Saw

Friday night, ShallowGal went to the place where one goes in New York to see famous people ~ a Knicks game.

ShallowGal discovered a use for both her new Nikon camera lens
and the "annotate" function on Preview

Spike Lee wasn't there but SG did spot John Leguizamo, Chloe Sevigny, and Michael Rapaport.

ShallowGal was distracted during halftime, so she isn't entirely sure what happened to Leguizamo.

Admit it, you'd be distracted too.

When the game resumed, John had been replaced by the uber-adorable Ciara. Who SG had honestly never heard of, but now wants to adopt.

ShallowGal also saw Justin Tuck from the Giants and Bucky Dent from the Yankees. (1)

Part 2) Semi famous People that SG Met

Marinka. And Husbandrinka. And not only did SG meet them, she learned the real reason Husbandrinka doesn't read Marinka's blog (2) And then she pet Nicki the cat. And (yes there's more!) SG actually went shopping for her much ballyhooed brownie pan with Marinka. (3) Does it sound like I'm bragging? Cause I totally am. (4)

Part 3) Not-at-all famous People SG Met

Her father's girlfriend Jessara. (5) Who SG loved. No, not loved. Loved, Loved, Loved. And wants her father to marry and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, Jessara lives, I kid you not, on the border of Brazil and Uruguay which is roughly an 11 hour commute from my father's midtown apartment. Which, considering he doesn't even like to date women in Queens, is a bit of a haul.

1) But Bucky pissed me off so no picture of him.
2) Spell check HATED that sentence on so many levels. But I'm pretty durn sure that's how you spell doesn't.
3) Oddly enough, spell check had no problem with ballyhooed, even when SG originally typed it Ballywhoed. Is this the April fools Day virus I keep hearing about?
4) And SG got Marinka's cell phone number and sent her incessant text messages the entire drive home.
5) SG also learned that her father occasionally reads her blog. Which is weird cause she never even told him she had a blog. Hi Dad!

Wrong Word Wednesday: Cause by the time it's actually Wednesday I'll have forgotten

2009-03-26T14:02:00.003-04:00

Well which one is it?