Beta Mom's Blog

Movin' on up

2008-05-23T11:56:00.001-04:00

Hey there -
I'm starting over at Wordpress, so if you'd like to catch up, (or relieve the glory years...or days....well, it was really more like a couple of hours...)
come visit me HERE!

Thith ith a thtory that'll till ya!

2008-01-24T17:31:00.000-05:00

As you may have grasped from my last post, I have gladly said goodbye to the clumsy confines of infancy and welcome with open arms the delightful "middle age" of our children. Just young enough not to have attitude, old enough to hold up their end of a fantastic conversation. Young enough to still bend to our will, old enough to use the bathroom on their own. Young enough to still sneak in a good snuggle, old enough to see movies we actually like.

However, I have found myself, as of late, feeling some sadness and nostalgia as the last bits of their early childhood slip away. There are things I am truly sorry to see go. Rocking my kids to sleep. Splashing at bath time. Sippy cups and little Ziploc bags of cheerios.

One of the favorite things I will miss is the simple idiosyncrasy of our children's speech. Our son has outgrown his sweet lisp, which shined magnificently as he rocked out to his favorite song, "Hey now, you're a rock thtar” by that band, Thmathmouth.

In the case of our daughter, all of her "K" sounds would come out as the letter "t". "Goin' to the park to fly a tite" "Gonna have some birthday take" etc. etc.

What would bring us and anyone within earshot to tears is when she would get on a rant about her absolute favorite subject.

Kitties.

"We have two titties in our house."

"Do you have any titties?

"My mommy had an orange titty, but it died."

"My titties names are Ella and Dizzy."

"Ooh, I like your titties."

"Can I pet your titty?"

Quite frankly, I'm not that comfortable typing any more examples, but let me tell you there's no better way to get to know a stranger than to have your youngster engage them in a conversation about the friendliness of their titties.

And I will miss it.

Beta From The Beginning

2008-01-15T06:19:00.000-05:00

We celebrated Beta Boy's tenth birthday this past week. He spent the day reflecting on his "first decade" and contemplating life in the "double digits". (He then went down to the club to play bridge with Marty and Sol; they hit the early bird and called it a day.)

I've been looking back and thinking about how daunting his first few months were. I had no idea at the time how common my fears and insecurities were. I was not a graceful new mom. I wore motherhood like a wool sweater that had gone through the dryer. It didn't fit right, it was itchy and uncomfortable, and I felt as though I was always struggling with it.

The worst for me were the grocery store visits.

Grocery store visits with my newborn had to be timed with the precision and skill of a military manuever, as he was nursing every hour and a half or so. And if the bar wasn’t open when he was thirsty, well he was going to raise holy hell, and I would have to suffer the angry glares of other shoppers, who clearly had NEVER HAD CHILDREN. Oh no, that would not do.

So I would feed him.

One hour, thirty minutes to go.

Then change him.

Then get him in the forty-seven layers he had to wear because it was winter.

One hour, fifteen minutes.

Then he’d poop.

Undo layers, change diaper, redo layers.

One hour, five minutes.

Run to bathroom and pee (knowing that this might be my only chance for the remainder of the day). No poop for mommy. No time. Make a mental note - remember to poop when baby’s older.

One hour to go.

Untangle straps on baby carrier. Strap baby in.

Baby poops.

Take precious minute weighing the pros and cons of letting him stay in his poop.

Conscience wins, take baby out, undo layers, change diaper, redo layers, strap baby in.

Fifty minutes to go.

Grab diaper bag, make sure it has the following contents:
Diapers (the need for which I think we’ve already demonstrated)
Wipes (good god, are there ever enough?)
Binky – take extra five minutes looking for a binky. We DO NOT leave the house without a binky.
“What to Expect The First Year”– should my baby come down with cradle cap, whooping cough or thrush during our shopping expedition.
A change of clothes – in case we are invited to dine with the captain at his table and we need something more appropriate for evening. Or if his diaper leaks.
AT LEAST five different developmentally stimulating baby toys.

Forty minutes to go.

Put carrier in car and drive to store. (Let’s not even think about how I look in my Winnie the pooh sweatpants, glasses, sneakers and baseball cap.)

Arrive at store – take carrier and bag out of car, find a cart, spend a good couple of minutes trying to figure out how exactly the carries fits into cart.

Thirty minutes to go.

Try to remember what it was we needed. Wading through sleep deprivation, looking for clarity. I think I started a list. Where was the list? What was on the list? Food. Yes, there was food. What food? What to cook? How to cook? We need meat, yes meat. Look, there’s some pepperoni - that’s meat! More protein. A dairy product. Look how pretty the Wispride Cheese Spread is, all orange and yellow and pink. Perfect. Oh, how proud Beta Dad will be that I am shopping. I am AWESOME. What else? Vegetables – we need vegetables.

Baby gets restless – my heart starts to race – must go faster. Twenty minutes to go.

Where was I? Vegetables. Oh, look, there’s a whole end cap with canned olives. Olives – plants – vegetables, right. Good. What else?

And so forth and so on. Baby fusses. Lactation begins. Time runs out.

I race my cart full of pepperoni, cheese spread, canned olives, not to mention cool aid, taco seasoning, macadamia nuts, and applesauce through the check-out and race home.

Un-strap screaming baby. Leave groceries in car. Feed screaming baby. Change diaper. Remember that there were groceries in the car. Get groceries. Wonder what to make out of pepperoni, taco seasoning, olives, Wispride and apple sauce.

Order take-out.

If I blogged every day...month...I wouldn't be a Beta!

2007-12-19T06:21:00.001-05:00

Well, I did it! I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but I am proud to announce I just finished NO-BLO-FO-MO-MO, otherwise known as "No blogging for a month...month". It was grueling, and there were times when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I was sure there was no way I was not going to think of anything to write for an entire month, but I did it.

Now, I know there were doubters out there - un-supporters who checked my blog every day, thinking "There's just no possible way she's going to go another day without posting!". To those of you who didn't believe that I could generate a total lack of creativity, well, I think the words of Gandhi expressed it best when he said, "Be the change you wish to see in your blog".

And to those supporters who ditched my blog never to look back because you believed in my total lack of inspiration, let me just say, "Thank You".

Now that's enough of that.

So, I've gotten a few tags, a little bit of bling and a lot to catch up on. I'm going to start with a softball today, however. It's a little photo montage I like to call "Getting the Christmas Card Shot"

ps - Big bonus reader points to anyone who can tell me how to get the link button back on my blogger text bar - it's dissapeared, and I can't get it back!

When Bad Cookies Happen to Good People

2007-11-13T08:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I forget I'm a Beta mom.

Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur and become totally convinced that I can do everything and be everywhere.

Sometimes I forget to give myself permission to let good enough be good enough.

And there's where things go wrong. Very, very wrong.

Sometimes when I'm working all day and then picking up my kids and grocery shopping and getting a husband and a son ready for an opening night production and making a salad for the kindergarten pot luck that we will all go to before the opening night production and baking a batch of cookies and a batch of lemon squares for a bake sale and trying to shower because I didn't have time that morning...

well, sometimes, when all that is happening, I get confused.

And instead of putting one egg in the cookies and three eggs in the lemon squares like the recipe calls for, I put THREE eggs in the cookies. And I end up with cookie dough that looks like pancake batter.

So rather than admit defeat, I add flour to the cookies to thicken the consistency.

Worried that I've created cake-like cookies with no taste, I throw chocolate chips in the batter.

Worried that my monstrosities won't sell, while all the OTHER moms' perfectly baked cookies will fly off the table, I search for something, anything, to add to their appeal.

In a panic, I grab some Hershey kisses. (I've seen that done, right? People put kisses on cookies, right? People will be dying for these awesome awesome chocolate cookies, right?)

I pull the giant, cake-like, lumpy cookies from the oven, slap on the Hershey kisses and stand back to admire my handiwork.

This is what I ended up with:

Hmmmm.....

Look familiar?

Can't quite place it?

Here, let me help you:

Beta Mom's Fake Dog Doo Cookies - Scoop them up at a Bake Sale near you!

Will Rhyme For Food

2007-11-12T14:23:00.000-05:00

Well, there's just going to be no living with me now.

On the heels of my MAJOR newspaper publication (those elementary kids didn't know what hit 'em), I've received word that I'm the winner of Creative-Type Dad's KFC Chicken Checks give-away.

Click on the title above (where, oh where, Blogger have you hidden my tool bar with my link button?) and check out the winning entry, as well as the hilarity that is Creative-Type Dad.

Don't Worry - I Won't Let It Go To My Head

2007-11-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

It pleases me to no end to announce that finally after what feels like days of hard work and patience – I am being published in a major newspaper!

It’s true! Today my article “Local Children Head "Into the Woods"” – a scintillating expose detailing the sordid lives of the children of community theater – is being published in…

Are you ready for it?

The Warrior – our elementary school newspaper!

Not only that, but it’s been syndicated.

To the middle school.

Stop cheering…no, really, your applause is too much. Settle down now.

Not to brag, but this achievment is a direct result of the dedication and commitment I show in my role as our theater’s
publicist/refreshment coordinator.

Now, I know that there are many of you out there who are still toiling away, firing off pieces for lesser know names like Parents Magazine and Time and whatnot and are wondering how you might achieve a level of success like mine. All I can tell you is - hold onto your dreams. These major publication companies can be tough to break into. For example, I had to call Isabel, the school secretary, THREE times before I got the go-ahead.

But in the end, it was worth it. There, between “Illness of the Week” and “Ski Club sign-ups” sits my brilliant debut.

I’ll remember you all in my Pulitzer acceptance speech.

Bananas is hot!

2007-11-08T06:57:00.000-05:00

So, the witty and beautiful Jenny over at Absolutely Bananas (Click on the title above to pay her a visit!) came up with a great idea. Sort of a virtual ladies room, where we gals can get together and dish about our latest beauty secrets and finds. (No, guys, we really are NOT talking about you in there.) Once a month, we post - Bananas keeps the master list at her place - check it out for other great pointers.

After all, none of us is as smart as all of us. Or none of us is smarter than some of us. Or some is smarter than none.....Anywho - here's my tip.

A while back to make the tedium of drinking the recommended 18 gallons of water a day easier, I began adding lemon juice. Sometimes I squeeze half a lemon into my water in the morning. Sometimes I slice up lots of little pieces and just keep them in my bottle as I refill it. (Sometimes I forget to drink water at all and drink 47 cans of Diet Pepsi instead. sigh)

Anyway, while drinking water always makes me feel better, I noticed that drinking the water with lemon made a marked improvement - to my skin, my hair, my energy level - I just all around felt better. Now, I'm not one for fancy book learnin', but I've done some reading and it seems lemon juice is extremely effective in removing toxins from your system. Can't really get into the where and why - I just know that it adds a certain glow!

So, if life hands you lemons - drink lemon juice. Then you can be pretty like this:

An Open Letter to the Retail Industry

2007-11-06T07:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Purveyors of Fine Holiday Merchandise,

Now that the holiday season is upon us I’d like to get a head start on my psychological clarity during what can be a very confusing and stressful time. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

To begin, what is at stake for my children at Christmastime? If they do not receive exactly the most popular and expensive toys will they simply be ostracized, ridiculed on the playground, or do you think they might meet physical harm? To reinforce this message, do you really think that 10 Christmas commercials per every 5 minutes of television viewing time are enough, or should I paste the 27 flyers we get in the mail every day to their walls? Thanks, by the way, for all of the terrific commercials you now show at the movies. I was worried that we might have some wasted time there, but you had us covered.

Further, what do you think the minimum number of gifts should be for our children to know we truly love them? 25? 50? 100? Is there a love to dollar formula you can refer me to so that I can ensure my children's happiness and be spared any potential embarrassment among the neighbors?

While we are on the subject of family, I have some concerns about my husband. I have yet to receive a gift of substantial 4-5 figure worth. Has he lost interest in me? Do you think that kind of gifts I’ve received over the years – a hand-crafted arbor made from cedar trees he cut himself, an original composition – are indications that his eye may be wandering? If it's true, I realize that the blame may be mine. I have not purchased anything recently from The Victoria’s Secret “Flounce Around the House” line. I will work to remedy the situation immediately while I sit amongst my many catalogs sipping international coffees sweetened with Splenda.

Finally, what do you recommend in terms of transportation as we travel from one perfectly decorated house to another, visiting the hundreds of friends and acquaintances we must have to ensure that we have both social standing and worth? I understand that traveling in a forward facing seat without some kind of a table and entertainment center is no longer acceptable, as my children cannot be expected to entertain themselves in the car as we travel 5 miles down the road. Is there a car that actually flies? If so, please notify me immediately; we would not want to appear behind the times.

Cost is no issue; I've see many advertisements for charitable companies offering generous lines of equity to assist us in paying this very small price for the love and comfort of our family.

Thank you in advance for your attention in these very important matters. I greatly appreciate the energy and fervor you put forth in ensuring a meaningful holiday for my family and me.

Best,
Beta Mom

It's ilove...

2007-11-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

Instead of cleaning all of this laundry:

I'm wasting away the day playing with my new computer.

Did imention that ihave a new imac and ilove it. iwill never be without my imac again. ithink ifound true love.

By far our favorite accessory is the photo booth.

While the laundry strangles the pets and makes long distance phone calls, I've been doing this (hope this works):

me

me as a cartoon

me as a character from the 80's hit video "take on me"

me as an Andy Warhol picture

and me as that kid from Mask

What's that behind your back?

2007-11-03T20:14:00.000-04:00

Let's just skip the pretense and cut right to the chase, shall we?

Of all of the candy you steal from your child's pumpkin/basket/bag, which is your favorite?

When sneaking candy past the children, do you -
a) hide it in a pocket?
b) wrap it in a magazine/hide it behind a book?
c) distract the children and then make a dash for it?

What is your favorite re-arranging technique you utilize so the children will not notice their dwindling candy supply?

What's the most outlandish excuse you've come up with when a child discovers an empty candy wrapper in your room?

She who laughs -

2007-11-02T06:49:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems we all (six of us) agree that while Donnie is a little bit rock and roll, Marie's just a little bit creepy. To that end, I thought I'd feature her in the newly revived video clip of the day. (look to the right - see it?!) I found a hilarious bit - only to be amazed that Marie herself is behind it.

Props to her for having a sense of humor!

Check it out!

She was robbed....

2007-10-31T14:08:00.000-04:00

Okay - a self-imposed meme. I've become addicted to Dancing with the Stars. It's like watching some splendid sequined train wreck - I just can't turn my head away. (The fact that it's on one of the two channels we get doesn't hurt, either.)

I'm not one to get in an online debate about who should stay, who should go, who has the improved the most, who uses the most double sided tape and who lifted their feet off the floor and on and on, but I liked that little Cheeta girl's pluck and I'm bummed she got voted off over that vapid male soap star.

Plus, to keep it mommy relevant, I'd like to add that Marie Osmond makes me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in a "middle aged women who unbutton their blouse the extra button and make inappropriate jokes with the bag boys at the supermarket about squeezing their melons" kind of way. I also don't like the fact that she's CONSTANTLY mentioning how she's a single mother. (Alright, she may have only mentioned it once, but my righteousness has no time to check the facts.) I know some amazing single moms who work, manage their houses, love their kids and blog. Don't give me this "ooh I fainted and I'm really busy and I couldn't two step because I'm a single mother of eight children".

Plus, she designs collectible dolls, which are just creepy.

Our Halloween was AWESOME - hope yours was too!

From the geezer files....

2007-10-30T08:34:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling very nostalgic today -

Remember when it was a HUGE DEAL when the holiday specials were on tv? Schedules were cleared for the likes of the Peanuts Gang, Frosty, Rudolf, Peter Cottontail and more. If you missed it - TOO BAD. That was your only chance and it wouldn't be on for another YEAR!

There was a specific protocol to be followed; rituals that were as important as the show itself. Dinner (maybe even something junky like mac and cheese FROM A BOX!) , bath, pajamas, teeth, hair, drag your pillow and blanket from the BED to the COUCH, turn off all the lights, snuggle in and enjoy.

I miss these moments; with DVDs, TiVo, Cable and a million viewing choices that can be enjoyed again and again and again it just doesn't feel as special.

It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown celebrates it's 40th anniversary tonight on television. So tonight to celebrate this momentous occasion, we're going to make dinner (not mac and cheese from a box; maybe some garlic bread from a bag, though) shower (even in a wave of nostalgia, one has to consider our $400 water bill), get the jammies on, drag the bedding down, turn the lights off and enjoy a moment from the dark ages. (For those of you keeing score, it's on ABC - one of the two channels we get.)

I hope you get a chance to enjoy it too.

Stay Tuned....

2007-10-29T08:49:00.000-04:00

Coming soon -

The all new Beta Mom's Blog!

Well.....

The mostly New Beta Mom's Blog!

Maybe more like...

The I've got some new stuff but it's probably more of the same Beta Mom's Blog!

Actually....

It's mostly the same stuff with some new graphics that I'm learning about on my new computer and as soon as I have time between work and parenting and volunteering I'll figure it out and publish!

Cheers,
Beta Mom

You Might Be a Beta Mom if....

2007-10-04T17:49:00.000-04:00

you made up a bunch of fake names for your children's school catalog fundraiser, and then paid for all of the stuff yourself because you actually didn't do a darn thing.

P.S. To my PTO sisters - this is just a hypothetical situation I made up for the amusement of others. I would never, ever do something like that.

Sincerely,
Ethel Mertz.

The "It" girl....

2007-10-03T06:47:00.000-04:00

Apparently I've been tagged by the lovely Anna. Aside from being studied and then released back into my natural habitat, being tagged has given me the opportunity to reflect, share, and most importantly, forced me to finally learn how to post a freakin' link. (I think..if it doesn't work, well, my apologies, but I'm probably not going to fix it.)

Here you go.

Four Jobs I've Had

"Junior Naturalist" at a science center. Once you've scooped Polar Bear poop, life is never the same.

Associate Producer with a video production company. This job led to one of my favorite brushes with fame - shooting a PSA with Fred, the Dunkin Donuts guy ("Time to make the donuts"). This is a very regional reference; my apologies to my friends in the south and west. Just know that a brush with a famed pastry pusher was exhilarating. May Fred rest in peace.

Director of a Victorian holiday-themed progressive play that took place over several acres of a maritime museum. 100 actors, 25 crew members, a dozen scene locations, two wagons, four horses, 180 kerosene lanterns, 10,000 ginger snaps, and 36 tours a night for the month of December. Happy Freakin' Christmas. (This was actually one of my favorite jobs ever!)

Program Developer at a children's museum. For more on all the excitement that can follow, read here.

Four movies I could watch over and over:

Princess Bride

Whale Rider

Any of the Lord of the Rings movies (I'm going to count this as my 3rd, 4th and 5th. Yup, I'm a rule-breaker)

This is a tested theory, as we don't have cable. So we do, in fact, watch these movies over and over again.

Four TV Shows I Like (reality version)

Survivor
Project Runway
Top Chef
My Life on the D List

Four TV Shows I Like (non-reality)

Extras
Arrested Development
Ugly Betty
Grey's Anatomy
Let's also throw Lost in here as my loved, but often neglected older, foster child

Four Places I've Gone on Vacation

Disney World
Disney World
Disney World
Disney World

Four Favorite Foods
Grilled salmon
Almost any pasta dish
Ice cream
Mom's rice pudding

Four Websites I Visit Daily
Craigslist
ProJo
My Blogroll
and.....if you really must know....well....Perez Hilton. There. I've said. Let's move on.

Four Places I Would Rather Be
Sailing on the Mary Day off the coast of Maine
The beach
The movies
Disney World

Four Bloggers I Tag - women who are funny, smart, and cause me to waste entirely too much time in front of the screen -

Nell McCabe
Absolutely Bananas
Alpha Dogma
Canned Laughter

Cheers

A Monday giggle.....

2007-10-01T18:31:00.000-04:00

I can't take credit for this one - thanks to my lovely Aunt Liz for sending this little piece of mind candy.

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I
think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to
the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God,
are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with
wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's
Math teacher."

What's in a name?

2007-09-27T06:05:00.000-04:00

As new parents, there were few decisions we fretted over more than the naming of our children. We were convinced that our baby's name would determine who he was, how people perceived him - it would dictate his future. A name, essentially, could make or break our child's life. No pressure.

To further complicate matters, both my husband and I were teachers. This meant that based on our experiences we had certain qualities attached to names* that otherwise would have been wonderful.

"How about Hercules?"
"Whiner."
"Hmm....Xena's pretty."
"Too bossy."
"Zeus?"
"Nose-picker."

And so forth and so on. In the end, we chose a Celtic name for our son that was somewhat unusual(it warranted a few raised eyebrows from the more traditional members of the family). We did worry that we'd doomed him to a life of mispronunciations and corrections, but as he grows we couldn't imagine him being anyone else. And, in a way, we were right. While he has the ability to dictate his own future, his name is an integral part of who he's become.

To that point, our amazing nine-year-old boy brought this poem home yesterday. He gave me permission to share it with you.

My name is C------
It flows like silk on the wind.
It's crisp and fresh like watermelon
or an autumn day.
It's red and green
like a bird of paradise.
It's spicy like Hot Tamales
and sweet like Twix.
It looks like an outline
in the fog.
All of these things
fit into this uncommon name
that belongs to me.
My name is C------.

Sigh.

*For the record, we did not actually consider the names Hercules, Xena and Zeus. I chose these extreme examples so as not to offend anyone. My apologies if your child has any one of these names....I'm sure he or she is a lovely child who exhibits none of these traits.

Ahhhh....Sunday

2007-09-23T17:56:00.000-04:00

5:30 Awakened by the nine-year-old, who on a weekday moans like a zombie when I DRAG him out of bed at 7:15.

7:30 - 10:00 - Aimlessly surfed the net

10:01 - Refused nine-year-old access to computer, because too much screen time is very, very bad for him.

10:02 - 11:00 - Surfed some more

11:00 - Considered running. Too hot. Ate yummy pastries instead (Thank you, mom). Will run tomorrow. Unless it's too hot again...or something comes up...or if it's a day that ends in "y".

12:00 - Washed dog. Came to a sad realization that dog smelled better than rug.

2:00 - Went to Walmart to purchase rug cleaner and new bike helmet for 5-year-old.

2:15 - Went into shock shopping for bike helmet, which costs as much a trip to the emergency room for head trauma. Weighed options. Decided to go with my legal obligations and purchased said helmet.

2:27 - Left the big blue box forgetting rug cleaner, but spending $60 on stuff I don't need.

3:00 - Purchased first pumpkins of the season. Imagining all the cute things Martha Stewart does with her pumpkins.

3:15 - Piled pumpkins on kitchen counter next to toilet paper and ant traps.

5:30 - Planned exquisite dinner.

5:45 - Threw some Cheez-its in a bowl, popped in a movie and decided to write.

6:40 - Posting.

Picture This...

2007-09-21T06:37:00.000-04:00

and....I'm back.

It's picture day today at school! What I love most about picture day is the certainty of it all. You see, I know on picture day two things are SURE to happen.

1) A child will loose a tooth the day before pictures are to be taken, thereby looking like one has just stumbled into her picture session from a bar fight. Put a beehive wig on my five year old right now and she could be Amy Winehouse post-rehab. Fortunately, and I kid you not, our school photographer now offers "retouching" for a $10 fee. (Of course, I just took the kids for their botox, so that probably won't be necessary.)

2) The other thing that's bound to happen is that I will forget it's picture day. Write it on the calendar, read the reminder notes from school - do everything imaginable to remember, and I will still forget.

Now this second inevitability has several ripple effects. Forgetting it's picture day will mean that I've forgotten to do laundry which means that my children will either be going to school in grocery bags or their Communion clothes. Seeing as we're Unitarians, our choices are reduced to paper or plastic.

Second, as was the case this morning, forgetting that it's picture day means I've lost motivation to remember to order more checks. (For those of you who have not yet entered the delightful realm of school pictures - you have to pay in advance. Because they know that your child looks like she just got into a bar fight and it's very likely you might not want to buy these photos after all of their hard work and they just don't roll that way.)

So, I'm left with ONE check in my checkbook and the Sophie's Choice of school pictures. The instructions are very clear - I CANNOT combine payments if I have more than one child at said school. Nor am I willing to write down my credit card number on the order form. Not that I don't trust people, but if I was a photog's assistant and had just spent 12 hours convincing runny-nosed kids to sit still and smile all for 8.50 an hour, those numbers would be lookin' pretty good to me.

As all things usually do, it all worked out in the end. I got out my pitchfork and dug up two respectable outfits from the laundry pile, forged my husband's signature on a couple of his checks from the account he uses to pay his grad school bills, and biked my kids to school where they ran to join the rest of the impeccably groomed children getting filthy on the playground.

It's all worth it knowing we will have photographic memories of these golden times forever.

Cheers.

An Open Love Letter to my Blog

2007-09-11T17:32:00.000-04:00

My Dearest Blog....

I'm writing to you under the cover of darkness, for fear our secret may be discovered. I believe my husband is becoming suspicious of our love affair. I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself. You're all I think about. I know, I know, we agreed at the beginning that this would just be a casual thing - a summer fling -no expectations - but it's become so much more. When I'm not with you, I'm thinking, " I wonder what blog's doing right now?" If someone tells a funny joke at a party, I can't wait to run home and share it with you. You make me want to be a better blogger. You complete me.

These past two weeks (HIDDEN BLOG MESSAGE) without internet have been hell. Try as I might to resist, I find myself driving around my neighborhood late at night searching for a signal. I know you feel neglected, but how can I possibly write under such duress? You deserve better.

It feels like an eternity, but it's only two more short days (SECOND HIDDEN BLOG MESSAGE) until Friday, September 14th when we begin service with our new provider and we will be reunited.

Counting the moments until then.

Yours,
Beta Mom

They don't call it labor 'cause it's easy.....

2007-09-03T12:40:00.000-04:00

From time to time, I see those juicy little news bits that tell us how much moms (and dads!) would make in income if they were paid for all that they do. These figures come from totaling up the estimated salaries of chefs, chauffeurs, housekeepers, personal assistants, etc.

Personally, I think these lists only cover the tip of the parental iceberg. We switch gears 100 times a day, performing countless tasks that require a wide range of skills. Here, in no particular order, are just a few of the overlooked jobs I think should be calculated into the total sum:

Manicurist/Pedicurist – 35,000/yr
Come on, now…how many toenails have you cut in your house that aren’t yours? I think extra “tip money” should be counted in for anyone who cuts:
Baby nails
Squirming toddler nails
35 year-old husband nails (This is not the case in our house, but I’ve heard stories…oh yes, I’ve heard stories.)

Exterminator – 55,000/yr
Over the years, we’ve removed from our house: ants, flies, spiders, baby snakes, bats, crickets, squirrels and a beagle (he ran into the wrong house – add “dog whisperer” to our list).

Plumber – 90,000/yr
Not only are we continually fishing things out of the drain, but we’re always showing crack bending down and picking up after our kids.

Anesthesiologist - 350,000/yr
This scenario involves a hyperactive toddler and a bottle of Benadryl. For legal reasons, I won’t go into details. (Okay, I’m kidding, but we’ve all thought it.)

Prostitute – Salary commensurate with experience.
Who hasn’t taken one for the team when they’re not in the mood?
(Dads, while I’m trying to be gender-equal I’m not sure this applies to you…you kinda HAVE to be in the mood…right?…if you know what I mean? Otherwise how could you….you know? Never mind -this whole thing is making me very uncomfortable….I’m moving on.)

Magician – 10/yr – 20,000,000/yr
Watch boys and girls as I make an entire four-course meal appear out of thin air, while magically balancing this budget! Oooohhhhhh….Aaaaahhhhhhhh

Mafioso – I’m not really sure how to figure out salary for this one, but it must be pretty good to afford all of those suits.
The buck stops here. We lay down the law in our house – nothing gets past us. We wheel and deal, we negotiate and bargain, we bribe and extort, and if a particular toy is making us crazy, we can arrange an “unfortunate accident”.

And more….so much more. So here's to all of us and our many jobs we do - have a great Labor Day!

These simple gifts...

2007-08-30T18:01:00.000-04:00

"Mommy, I made this for you."

Six words that strike fear in my heart.

I look up momentarily and see, in her shining 5-year-old glory, my clone looking upon me with a toothy grin. She holds before her an offering - to others what must look like a nonsensical assortment ( of what? Is that macaroni? dog hair? some glue? maybe some tissue? was that Kleenex used?) But not to mini-me. To her it a masterpiece that she has poured her soul into, and it is the very symbol of her love for me and her complete devotion and trust that I will do right by her.

Damn it.

Now, before you write me off as heartless please understand - the problem is not my lack of appreciation for my children's efforts. Our walls are plastered with tadpole-like renderings of our family, tissue paper pumpkins, cotton ball faced Santas and the occasional "nature collage", consisting of numerous dried leaves and what I think used to be worms. Not only are our walls covered, but our drawers and closets overflow with the stuff. Therein lies the problem. We want to keep every lovely token of their artistic expression, but we also want to keep our sanity. The guilt nearly overwhelms me when I face the challenge of culling our a year's worth of school projects.

We've even been reduced to shameless preventative tactics.

"What a lovely mobile, sweetie! You know who would REALLY love that? Nana. She was just telling me the other day how she wished he had more art depicting the life cycle of a dragonfly."

"Now honey, I'm sure when the art teacher said to take ALL your work home, she really meant just those things that begin with the letter "q"".

Alas to no avail.

For now, we accept each piece with academy award deserving gratitude. From time to time, in the dead of night, we purge a piece here and there, trying to keep those items that best represent the phase of our children's lives at the time. (A particular favorite is our daughter's "poop" phase where she painted page after page with brown finger paint...at least, I think it was finger paint...)

Anyway, I know that there will come a time when there will be no more scarecrows and groundhog puppets that pop-up out of toilet paper tubes, and I know I'll be glad we kept these tokens.

I'll put them up on the wall in my room at the insane asylum.

Who What Where When Why Wednesday

2007-08-29T06:49:00.000-04:00

Or...the day formerly known as "Informal Survey Wednesday"!

I read this morning that on the next shuttle headed to the International Space Station, NASA will also be including a prop lightsaber from the original Star Wars movie. Can you imagine if this thing somehow found its way to deep space?

"Hey, Bleepborg - check this out"

"Good golly, Bligbot, what in Saturn's moon is that?"

"It looks like some kind of primitive earth weapon..."

"Is that cardboard? And duct tape? They're defending their planet with cardboard and duct tape?"

"We're totally invading Earth."

Which brings us to today's question: If you could send one thing into space (children don't count) that would express who you really are, what would it be?