The Incidentals of Parenting

The Decline in Sportsmanship

2008-08-19T11:26:00.000-04:00

I was watching the Olympics the other night when Dara Torres was swimming in two events. Before one of the races she approached the race judge and asked for them to hold off on starting for a few minutes so that the swimmer from Sweden could change her suit. The judge agreed and they waited.

The announcer was in shock that Torres could have that kind of fortitude and was lauding her sportsmanship while questioning if she could get back in the right frame of mind to race. He asked his co-host more than once if Torres was going to be able to get past doing that to race competitively.

I just sat there with my mouth hanging open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Have we really gotten so petty and had so great a decline in sportsmanship that what she did was considered extraordinary?

After the race they asked Torres, who came away from the race with a silver medal, about it. She said that the other swimmers are her friends. She was laid back about it and had the “that’s what friends do” attitude. It was clear to me that she didn’t think she had done anything outstanding.

Of all places, I expect to see this kind of good sportsmanship from people who are participating in the Olympics. They are supposed to be the best at what they do and are representing their country to the world as goodwill ambassadors. What they do before and after the event is just as important as during the event.

Torres did a good thing and I’m sure the swimmer from Sweden was grateful to her for doing it. It is definitely worthy of noting. I hope others, especially the kids watching at home, learn you can do a good thing and still be competitive, they’re not mutually exclusive.

Where Are the Parents?

2008-08-08T14:52:00.004-04:00

Some may say I am too involved in my daughter's life and know too much about her and her friends. My daughter shares almost everything with me and her friends tend to be more open when they're around me. I seem interested in their lives and it shows by their willingness to share things around me and with me that they wouldn't normally share with their parents. While I think it is good that they have this relationship with a grown-up, it makes me wonder why they don't have a relationship like that with their own parents.

I guess I'm a bit old-fashioned in my thinking. I believe parents have a few simple, basic goals when they give birth to a child: provide food, housing and clothing and provide the tools to become a productive and good citizen of the world. Most parents seem to be doing okay with the first one, even if they struggle a bit here and there, but the second one seems to be seriously lacking.

In order to be a productive adult you need to know how to survive. That includes knowing how to do housework, how to do your laundry, how to cook, how to make and keep friends and significant others, and how to work. That means kids need to do chores and be guided in making decisions and dealing with other people.

Many of my daughter's friends don't have to do chores at home. They rub my daughter's face in it too. I tell her not to worry too much about it. When it is time to be out on their own they will be the ones calling to find out how to do things and stuggling with them; she'll be just doing them and moving on to more fun things. But I feel bad for these kids. They really are not being prepared for life as an adult.

They are also not being taught how to deal with social situations. One of my daughter's friends was going to dump her boyfriend by leaving an instant message for him while he was offline. I told her straight off that was just unacceptable behavior. She tried to back pedal but it was too late. I was seriously appalled. Heck, having a friend tell the guy would have been better! But it made me wonder where are her parents? Why are they not telling her this sort of thing isn't acceptable?

I was talking to some friends about this the other day. One was a teacher in the high school and she said she saw this sort of thing all the time. Kids are just not being given the tools they need to survive as adults. While I know I have a unique relationship with these kids and are more involved in their lives because of it, I don't think it should be considered unique. This is something that all parents should be doing: being involved in their kid's life and knowing what is going on.

Dropping ‘Chores’ from My Vocabulary

2008-07-29T14:53:00.000-04:00

Last week I had given my daughter and her friend a list of chores to do each day while I was at work. There were only a few things for them to do but as soon as I said the word “chores” they got defensive and started grumbling.

It was while I was explaining to them why they do chores that I decided that I was no longer going to call them that. I realized that while they do the chores to earn allowance and do their part in taking care of the home they live in, the most important thing is that I’m imparting on them skills that they will need when they become adults.

This got me to thinking about that last part of it. They’re learning how to load and empty the dishwasher, sweep, do laundry, take out the trash, and so on. These are important basic skills they need to have so that when they get to college or their first apartment on their own they’re not calling to say “How do I do this?” or “What do I need to do that?” They will already know.

I also have always disliked the word chores. It just sounds unpleasant and negative. Maybe it has something to do with my memories of having to do chores when I was a child, not that I had a lot of them but I remember grimacing every time my parents used the word. My daughter and her friends all have the same reaction.

What could I do to change that? For me the answer was simple: come up with a new name for them.

So now I call it Life Experience Training, or LETs. It is much more positive sounding and better describes what it is. I explained to the kids my reasons for changing the name and that I’m doing this as much to help them as I am to get the stuff done. They still roll their eyes when they read their LETs for the day but I definitely don’t get as much grumbling.

YMMV but for us it is working out pretty well.

Nintendo Labelling Charges Anger

2008-07-11T13:31:00.006-04:00

A few years ago my daughter got an Nintendo DS for Christmas. It arrived with a Spongebob accessory pack featuring that lovely yellow on the headphones and car charger. Needless to say, the charger that came with the DS and the one with the accessory pack have gone missing. They're probably in the house somewhere but your guess is as good as mine as to where that might be.

Last night I got an urgent text message from my daughter. "We can't find my cousin's charger!" So I suggest that before they leave for the water park today they stop at Target to get a charger. This is a well received idea and they do that. Problem? It wasn't a DS charger but a DS Lite charger.

It seems they decided to make all the DS accessories incompatible to the DS Lite ones. (I won't get into how much I hate that marketing tactic, suffice it to say it is one of the worst for consumers.) Argh! So they're both going to do without their DS for the two hour round trip to the water park. I told her I'd stop and pick one up before driving down to New Jersey to get her later today and she was most grateful.

I decided to try Circuit City first as I know they have a decent selection of accessories for video games. I find the DS section and start looking at the chargers. I discovered very quickly that it seems the stuff for the DS is being phased out to make room for the sleeker, more stylish DS Lite. That's certainly understandable. What I don't understand, however, is why they didn't change the logo for the Lite version.

All the packages had the lovely Nintendo DS logo on it, then in significantly smaller letters an indication that it was for the DS Lite only. As you can see in this picture. It took me 15 minutes to find one that would actually still charge the original DS and I had the sales guy look at it to make sure the label was right and it would in fact charge my daughter's DS.

I will be writing a letter to Nintendo and whatever government body oversees their labelling practices. The lack of change to the logo for the DS Lite is misleading to buyers. Most of the packaging I saw at Circuit City lacked the bright blue sticker drawing your attention to the fact that it is for the DS Lite only. Even the guy who worked at Circuit City had to read each package closely to see if it would work with the original DS. It would be an easy fix to the logo, too -- just run the letters LITE alongside the DS vertically. Simple, simple fix and there would be no more confusion for consumers. Will anything change? Probably not. But I can't just sit here and watch consumers be tricked by faulty labelling either.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 9

2008-07-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 8

2008-07-05T15:45:00.000-04:00

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 7

2008-07-03T15:05:00.000-04:00

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 6

2008-07-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 5

2008-06-26T13:56:00.001-04:00

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Get Feelings Out There, Good and Bad
Feelings … nothing more than feelings. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. The mom for this one suggested pulling your kid onto your lap, hugging them while you have ‘complain time’ when they’re cranky. You both sit there and just complain about things together to provide a way of verbalizing what’s wrong. That’s a kinda novel idea and I like it for when they’re just generally cranky and there’s nothing specific bothering them.

Getting your kids to talk about how they’re feeling when they’re sad or upset is difficult and it only gets harder as they get older. I believe, like with most things, the earlier you start in trying to get them to verbalize how they’re feeling the more ingrained it will be and as they get older the less likely they are to just clam up.

The ‘complain time’ thing has the bonus of teaching by example. You get to show them that everyone has stuff to complain about and hear you doing it in a positive way, and also gives you a chance to share how you dealt with the situation. For example, you could say, “I had to do Bob’s extra work today causing me to miss my deadline and that made me angry. So I talked to my boss about it and got an extension.”

Another important aspect is recognizing when they’re upset. Sometimes it is really obvious, other times it isn’t as clear. My daughter, for example, will misbehave when she’s upset about something. If she’s misbehaving for more than one or two little incidents or really acting out I know something was up and it’s time for a sit down. That is after she’d had a bit of a time out to figure out why she was acting that way.

She couldn’t always tell me what it was so I would go through a list of possible things that might be the cause. Then I frequently had to drag the information from her but once she got started it would all spill out, everything from the thing that was causing the current issue to stuff that had been building up. It is usually very cathartic for her and occasionally a bit painful for me.

Nowadays we usually use my bed when we talk as we can snuggle better (though she’s not always ready to do that at the beginning of the conversation) and there’s enough room for both of us. Sometimes I still do the time out thing, though I don’t call it that anymore, so she can think about what’s going on and get herself under control before we talk.

After a particularly big discussion last summer with her about things that were upsetting her, we made an agreement that she would tell me when something is bothering her so that I, or we, could fix it – even if that only meant her being able to talking about it. I think it has been a bit better but it is still a bit of a struggle sometimes. Hopefully, though, the more she does it, and the more open I am to it, the easier it will be.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 4

2008-06-25T12:55:00.000-04:00

Mixed Gender Sleepovers

2008-06-24T15:46:00.000-04:00

I guess you could call me a liberal parent. Maybe a very liberal parent. Last night I let my daughter’s male friend spent the night at our house. They (my daughter, her female friend and the guy) were shocked when I said yes, especially since I’d said no before. It was a different situation then and wouldn’t have worked, but this was much different so I could say yes.

I confess, if I didn’t know he was gay then I wouldn’t have allowed it but he is very much so. I knew no hanky-panky was going to take place while I slept so I figured, “Why not?” He could sleep on the futon in the living room and the girls would sleep in my bed, as usual.

They stayed up much later than I did and when I stumbled out of bed this morning I discovered he was on the futon, my daughter was on the love seat and her other friend was curled up on the floor. Apparently they just crashed where they were. Not exactly the way I’d planned but good enough.

It was a very different experience, but it worked out really, really well. They had a great time, he and my daughter bonded while playing Naruto on the PS2, and all were very well behaved. I definitely would let him spend the night again.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 3

2008-06-24T12:31:00.000-04:00

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 2

2008-06-22T12:33:00.000-04:00

Recently I got a newsletter from WebMD with some parenting articles that they thought I might be interested in. The first was an item from Redbook called “10 Secrets of Great Moms” (published April 11, 2008). The author basically got advice from 10 moms on a variety of topics from bringing baby home to sleeping to feelings to homework. I thought it might be fun to share my advice on the same topics.

Help Homework Happen
The mom from the article said she sets up homework stations for her kids and has them do it as soon as they get home from school then stays nearby to help if needed. She commented that the routine makes it a lot easier.

I like the homework stations thing if you have more than one to keep their papers and stuff from getting mixed together. That’s a great idea if you have room. For me, I only have one so anywhere she wants to plop down and do it (other than her bedroom where I can’t see her) works for me. Thankfully for the last three years she’s been going to an afterschool program where they make the kids do their homework while there, or at least try to get through most of it. She admits it makes getting it done a lot easier.

I disagree, however, about making them do it as soon as they get home. Kids need down time when they get out of school. The principal at my daughter’s middle school has always stressed the importance of having a bit of time to relax before having to get in the school frame of mind. This advice convinced the afterschool program where my daughter goes to change their schedule so that the kids have 20 minutes for snack and chatting before the homework time starts. It has made a huge difference for the kids in the program.

For my daughter, before she was in this afterschool program and when she doesn’t go, the schedule is that she gets to have a half hour of down time for snack and TV or computer, then it is homework time. This is true if she goes home or comes to my office. Once it’s done she is free to do whatever she wants. Knowing that this is the way it is going to be makes it so much easier for her to get it done and I don’t have to worry about it.

Routines
Homework is not the only place routine will make a difference. If you define what the routines are and make sure you follow-through then compliance will be easier, over time, and make for less stress for everyone. Also make it clear that unless there is some really special reason there will be no deviation from the routine.

It is never too late to start! It might not be as easy when they’re 12 as it would have been when they were 8 or 9 but if you stick with it you’ll find your success. It will be a lot of work but the benefits will make it well worth it. Make sure you define what is expected and put it in writing somewhere that everyone can see it so no one can forget. This works for household rules and chores too.

But the earlier you start the better. Even toddlers and preschoolers can be included in routines – including homework. If you have school-aged kids and younger ones who don’t have homework, you can have the younger ones use the same time to color or do some pages in a workbook. This also makes it so the older ones don’t feel like they’re missing out on all the fun.

I truly believe kids thrive on schedules. They like knowing what is expected of them and when, even when they’re teens. It makes dealing with everything else life throws at them easier when they don’t have to worry about when to get up, when to be outside to catch the bus, when their classes are, when to do homework and chores, etc. My daughter and her friends, who are 12-16 years old, are always complaining about how much more complicated that day was if there was a special assembly or other deviation in their regular school schedule. It throws everything off for them.

The occasional change, though, is good for them so they learn how to cope with it before they’re adults. Things rarely run like clockwork so being able to deal with unexpected changes or deviations in their schedule is an important skill to have. How you deal with changes also will affect how they deal with similar situations. If you’re calm and relaxed, they’ll learn to be that way too.

10 Secrets of Great Moms: Part 1

2008-06-21T12:07:00.000-04:00

Rediscovering Pleasure in the Little Things

2008-06-17T16:10:00.003-04:00

This post isn’t so much about parenting as it is general living, but it does apply to parenting too. Far too often we take things in our lives for granted and don’t realize how much our lives are affected by them.

Recently I had a lot of work done in my mouth. It took me out of the eating loop much of the first few days and it is only today, nearly three weeks later, that I really feel like I can eat with relative ease. The experience, which will be a once in a lifetime thing, really had a major impact on me and I learned a few things.

First, I really don’t need to eat a lot to sustain myself. My food consumption has gone down drastically and seen a significant drop in the amount of starches I eat. I’ve been forced to eat soft, mushy foods so things like breads, crackers, cookies, pie, pizza, etc. have been gone. Granted some of it hasn’t been good for me – the puddings, canned fruits, and ice cream. I know in the grand scheme they’re not going to hurt nearly as much as they would if the rest of my diet hadn’t changed.

Second, much of the enjoyment of food comes from the actual chewing. I’m sure there’s a scientific reason for it and I probably could remember it if I tried but I’m talking more about the psychological effects. I just haven’t enjoyed eating since my ability to chew has been greatly reduced. Food isn’t nearly as much of an attraction when you can’t really enjoy what you’re eating or have to swallow most of the small bites you’re taking whole. Last night I had two slices of toast and could actually chew the crust. It was the best food I’ve had in days!

Third, I can’t believe how much fun it has been making these little discoveries about things like eating and food, generally overlooked things in my life. I didn’t realize how much I took them for granted. It has caused a whole new way of thinking of these things.

Lastly, I discovered a “new” me. Since the work was done in my mouth I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight, I feel and look healthier (okay, the tan helps with the looking healthier), and I feel much better about myself. I really feel like the bad cycle I’ve been on for most of my life has finally been broken and I can start fresh. The hard part, getting started, is over because I had no choice so now I need to maintain the progress I’ve made and start working towards making more improvements.

I now feel inspired to see where else in my life I can make more of these discoveries and see what I've been missing. If you're looking for me I'll be busy looking for the little things.

A Glimpse at Fatherhood

2008-06-15T16:15:00.001-04:00

As a widowed single mom I don't often get to experience fatherhood upclose, so it has been fun and interesting watching my friend go from discovering his wife was pregnant to where they are now, about half way there.

He is just so adorable. He talks to the baby (even more now that I told him it will help the baby identify and connect with him after he/she is born), gives it kisses through his wife's belly, and goes to all the appointments with his wife. On Father's Day he read his unborn child the picture book about skinks (they have a few of them and a snake!) his wife had got him as his Father's Day present. He wonders how she puts up with it and my answer is simple: it is clear he's in love with his child. What mother would be upset about that?

It reminds me of my pregnancy. My husband was much the same way. He fell in love with our child long before she was born. He went with me to all the appointments he could get to, especially the special ones to make sure her heart was okay. He loved caressing my tummy and feeling our daughter kick. I don't think he ever read to her before she was born but he was as attentive as you could hope for. In the pictures from the day my daughter was born you can see beyond a shadow of a doubt how he felt about his little girl. I wish all moms-to-be could have this experience.

Happy Father's Day!

Maturity, Who Needs It?

2008-06-06T16:37:00.001-04:00

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. – Dave Berry

I love this quote. Your level of maturity can always be pretty much anything you want it to be. At more than 35 years old one might call my occasional lack of maturity being young at heart; though I think most would just call me immature. An example?

Two weekends ago I was sitting at a red light, I was in the left lane in my 2003 Toyota Matrix XRS and there was an early- to mid-20s guy and his buddy in the right lane in an older Suburban kind of vehicle. The light turned green and he started to take off. I, out of the blue, decided I would see if Gidget (yes, that’s what I named my car) could out race him, so I floored it. The guy woo-hoo’d and floored it too. Needless to say, I won. I did have the element of surprise on my side. As he drove past me as I was making a left hand turn he gave me a thumbs up.

I was so proud of myself for winning. I also became more of a Goddess in my daughter’s eyes. She actually went inside and bragged to all her friends about it! They were most impressed. Not so much that I’d won, which they were amazed at given my car is basically a station wagon, but because I’d tried at all. Their parents wouldn’t even think about doing something like that much less actually do it.

I like being able to do stuff simply because I can. Did I waste half a gallon of gas with putting the pedal to the medal? Most likely. Was it worth it? Oh yeah! I suppose doing that when I was counting pennies to even get groceries would be considered reckless but I can afford to drop $2 on about 20 seconds of fun so I did.

Other things I do: watch cartoons, play video games (current ones that most of the teens I know are also playing), listen to the same music as my daughter and her friends – usually with the radio cranked up, read manga/love anime, jump in leaves, build sand castles, do papier mache, wear Happy Bunny stuff, and so on. My daughter and her friends think it is so cool that we naturally have so much in common, even if my appreciation for it is on a different level.

There are definitely times when I have to be a grown up and I think that’s the real sign of maturity: knowing when you need to be a grown up and when you can goof off. I may not always get it right but I think I’m doing pretty good with it. For now though, I’m gonna go feed my video game addiction.

Letting Kids Decide

2008-06-01T01:10:00.004-04:00

“What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?” – Evelyn Waugh

This quote summarizes the view the world had towards children prior to the 1970s. Born in 1903, Arthur Evelyn St. John Waugh was very much a part of the old school of thought when it came to children. He died in 1966, just before children started to gain a voice in society.

Today we generally no longer regard children as unfit humans or little adults. We see them as children who should very much be seen and heard. In doing so we opened up a whole new world of exploration and knowledge of humans.

An article that appeared in Parent Express, the parenting paper I edit, made me think about this. The article, Discovering Your Baby’s Amazing Brain, talked about all the things that you can do to help your child be the most he/she can be. Much of the evidence proving these things was found in the last 40 years. Can you imagine what we’d know now if the social attitudes towards children had changed earlier?

I am much happier to be raising a child today than I would have 50 years or more ago, and a huge part of that is directly related to the changes in social attitudes towards kids. I have always viewed my daughter as a child but also an individual. She has a brain that functions quite well and I believed she should be using it. The earlier, the better.

For example, people used to stare at me like I’d gone insane because at 18 months old I was letting her choose the clothes she wanted to wear. I figured she was the one who was going to have to wear it and be seen in it, so she should have a say in what she got – within reason. She only got to choose between outfits we could afford to buy.

Not only was I teaching her about making decisions, a skill that is still weak for me; I was teaching her about individuality. She has never been one to follow the trends and she has her own sense of style. It is one that I don’t always agree with but as long as she’s dressed decently (aka, everything’s covered that should be and is within the guidelines of school) then it really is none of my concern. Though I confess I do speak up now and again when the outfit just doesn’t work, sometimes a bit of guidance IS required.

Reminds me of something I read in one of Supernanny’s books. As a former nanny I was interested to read some of her views on childrearing, especially since she was giving advice to parents on how to raise their children. I strongly disliked the show but was willing to give the book a chance.

The first thing I turned to was her saying young children should not be allowed to make decisions. They’re not capable of it so you should set out the clothes they’re going to wear, choose what they’re going to eat, etc. I was in the bookstore at the time and I actually laughed out loud when I read it. I made my daughter read it so I knew I hadn’t misread it.

Obviously, what she said went against everything I’ve done in raising my daughter and did when I was a nanny. Children, even as young as 18 months old, can and should be involved in making decisions about what they’re going to wear, eat, play, etc. It is those decisions that will guide them towards defining who they are as an individual. You are not the one eating the food, they are. You don’t have to wear the outfit all day, they do. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to have some say in the matter? Does it really matter if they wear green shirts three days in a row or want cheerios every morning for breakfast?

Obviously, there are times when they can’t choose – wearing a suit to a wedding, eating whatever Grandma cooked for dinner, wearing dress shoes with a suit or fancy dress and not sneakers, etc. Learning and understanding when they can’t be part of the decision making and why is another huge step in becoming an adult.

My daughter has always been very happy about the situation. She has seen her friends who don’t have a choice in things and considers herself very lucky. It has served her well when dealing with other situations in life, and being able to weigh her choices before making a decision knowing she has only herself to hold accountable for it later.

Let your kids start making decisions, discover who they are and forge their identity. They’ll definitely thank you.

I'm back

2008-06-01T01:09:00.001-04:00

A series of life happenings, injuries, and dental surgery has kept my mind distracted and unable to focus on the task at hand. But I'm back now.

Movie Review: Juno

2008-05-05T22:25:00.002-04:00

My daughter had wanted to buy Juno last weekend but I suggested we watch it first. I happened to go to one of the stores in town that has one of those Red Box rental kiosks and it was available so I rented it. My daughter was really happy and we watched it during dinner and for the rest of the evening. It's a long movie.

Going into it all I knew was that the chick got pregnant somehow. I was not expecting to see such a real and compelling story. I felt so bad for Bleeker. His role throughout the pregnancy was so insignificant and dismissive of his part in the making of unwanted baby. It really was a sad commentary on how the fathers are so excluded from the process and decisions being made.

And I so want to be those parents when I grow up! They were the kind of parents I want to be: someone my daughter can come to when she messes up and be there for her, despite what I think of the situation, and make sure she's taken care of while imparting gems of sage wisdom along the way (including my favorite line "Look, in my opinion the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.").

I confess I started crying as Juno was laying on the hospital bed mourning the loss of her son. It reminded me of the loss I feel everytime I think about my decision years ago to have my tubes tied and the baby I'm likely to never have because of it.

The story has a few plot holes, like most stories. The whole thing with Mark falling for Juno and her for him seemed to be lacking in development, though it makes you wonder if that's why things didn't work out the last time he and Vanessa were about to adopt a baby. I also would have like to have seen more of an interaction with Mrs. Bleeker and Juno. She didn't seem to have any knowledge that Juno was carrying her grandchild, and if she did there was no emotion about it.

All in all, though, it was a great movie. Go out and rent it today and watch it with your teens, both boys and girls. You won't regret it.

Learning How to Fail

2008-05-02T14:48:00.004-04:00

I was looking through the Hewlett Packard catalog that came in the mail today. There’s a blurb from Mo Williams that says, “My books are about failure because I write what I know. We, grown-ups and kids, fail daily. But we seem to have lost the sense that failure is okay, that it’s a learning process instead of a catastrophe.”

He said it much more eloquently than I could. Kids are no longer encouraged to win because that would mean there was a loser, so we’ve started teaching our kids that we’re all winners and there are no losers regardless of how well they did. My daughter has asked many times, “Why should I try to be better when everyone is going to be a winner no matter what they do?” How do you answer that one?

I grew up in the 80s when this whole concept of no losers started building momentum. I’m thankful that I missed most of that. I like winning. I like knowing that what I did was better than other people. It gives me justification for putting all the effort into whatever it was. When I come up short I try to learn what I did wrong and, hopefully, find ways to do it better next time. That’s what failure is all about!

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again.”
Kids need to be allowed to fail or lose so that they can learn how to pick themselves back up and try again. It is how we learn to talk, walk, interact with others, learn to share, get educated and, ultimately, become functioning adults. When we don’t allow kids to lose or fail, we end up with children who no longer feel like they need to work to improve or succeed … they’re going to be winners either way.

But what happens to them when they get into high school and start looking at college? Getting scholarships and into the school of their choice is not an easy thing. They have to prove that they belong there and should be helped reaching their goals. What are they going to do when colleges start responding with “Thanks but we’re going to have to pass on your application”?

What about when they start looking for jobs and they’re not hired because they don’t have the skills they need? Or are fired because they have demonstrated they don’t need to improve or succeed on the job? Will they have the coping skills they need to deal with this kind of rejection or failure?

I love the “we’re all winners” attitude and I think it is valuable. Unfortunately, it isn’t realistic. There are many ways we can encourage our children and bolster their self esteem without losing the skills to deal with failure. Here are some suggestions from the National Network for Child Care:
    • Laughing at ourselves when we make mistakes;
    • Providing enough materials and supplies so children always feel they can start over if they make a mistake;
    • Reacting calmly when mistakes do happen (e.g., "Oh, well. It didn't turn out. Too bad. We'll try it again sometime.");
    • Helping children learn from their mistakes by focusing on what they could do next time to avoid the problem;
    • Encouraging children to turn their mistakes into successes (e.g., change the odd-looking bird picture into a very colorful free-form design).

Boys: Getting Them to Communicate

2008-05-01T13:25:00.000-04:00

I don’t have a son and I didn’t have a brother when I was growing up so my knowledge of boys has been limited to my nephew, who is 8; my little brother, who is 12; and my daughter’s male friends. They’re all very different but they all seem to have one thing in common: they don’t know how to talk about how they’re feeling.

I met one of my daughter’s friends when they were in fifth grade. When I first met him I thought he was really obnoxious and didn’t much like his behavior, and much preferred his twin brother. It wasn’t until I got to spend more time with him at the after school program they all attend that I really got to know him and come to appreciate him as a person. He’s now one of my favorite people and I consider him to be a friend.

It turns out that all he really seemed to need is for someone to notice him and that something was wrong. I had a conversation with him once when he was having a really bad attitude day. I wouldn’t let him get away with saying, “Everything’s fine” and I kept gently pushing. He finally told me about the pressures at home with school work and how he was really tired every day. He was feeling really overwhelmed and he knew he shouldn’t be acting the way he was but he didn’t know how to stop it. It was definitely a pivotal moment in our friendship.

I’ve discovered that many of my daughter’s male friends are just looking to be noticed. Another guy from the after school program really had a problem with settling down and not being so ADD. He would ask staffers if he was annoying, they would frequently dismiss him or tell him what he was doing wrong and to stop. He would ask me and I would say yes then make a general comment about what he was doing before sitting down to talk with him or start an activity. He seemed to almost immediately start to behave better; or at least until the ADD got a hold of him again and he was off on another tangent.

Here are some ways I’ve used to get kids, especially boys, to open up:

Do something with them – play a board game, go for a walk, watch TV together, etc. While you’re doing the activity and talking in general it is a great time to casually sneak in questions about how things are going at school, home, with friends, etc. They’re usually in a relaxed frame of mind and more open to talking in general.

Another way to get them to talk is to bring up gossip, I’ve seen boys be worse than any girl I know when it comes time to dish the dirt. I know gossip is generally looked down on but it is a great way to find out what is going on in his life as well as those around him, and at the school.

Encourage him to invite his friends over. Without hovering over them, listen to what they’re talking about and get cues for things to talk about later. This is helped by keeping the computer and video games in the family living area. You may not get much but it is amazing what they’ll talk about when they don’t think you can hear them.

Talking to them about your day and stuff happening in your life will help make them feel more involved and willing to talk. Asking them for advice and help with things also encourages them to open up. Kids often have really amazing insights on things and can help you see things from a whole new perspective.

When Should Teens Be Driving?

2008-04-17T17:03:00.002-04:00

Thankfully I’m a few years away from having to make a decision about when my daughter should drive and if she’s going to get her own car. But the decision about letting her get in a car with a teen driver is looming on the not too distant horizon.

I’ve heard a lot of arguments for and against letting teens get their license at 16, buying them a car vs. having them buy it, providing auto insurance, and when to let your kid get in a car with a teen driver. Factors include how far you live from town, your work schedule vs. their activity schedule, if the teen is working, the maturity of the teen and if you can afford it.

When I turned 15 I got my driver’s permit and started driving with my parents then I took driver’s ed class so I could get my license after I turned 16. Amazingly I passed both the written and driving test the first time around. I was so excited to be able to drive and not have to depend on my parents to get around.

I went to a regional high school so some of my friends were two or three towns away and the drive to their house was at least an hour round trip. The nearest mall and movie theater was also a half hour or so away and my parents weren’t interested in going there every weekend so I could hang out with my friends. Getting a car wasn’t essential but it made life so much easier for everyone.

I paid for two-thirds of my first car: a pea green 1979 Chevy Impala. It had been owned by an older woman who rarely drove very far in it so the miles were quite low given its age and she’d taken care of it really well. I got it for $600 and the only repair it needed in the time I owned it was a new radiator, which I paid for. My parents paid for the car insurance as long as I didn’t get in an accident. Looking back I’m not sure it was the best car to get a new driver: it was huge, very fast and held up to seven teens. I loved it and it served my friends and me very well. I don’t remember there being much if any concern by my parents or friends’ parents about us getting in cars driven by freshly licensed teens.

It seems like only a few days ago I was getting into my dad’s car as a freshly licensed driver; now I have to think about my daughter getting in the car with her friend who just turned 16. The friend doesn’t have her license yet so it isn’t an immediate concern but it is something I’m going to have to deal with soon. My biggest concern is that she probably won’t have her own car for awhile and won’t have access to the family car very much, which means she isn’t going to be able to practice her driving skills. Driving is definitely something you do better the more you do it.

I find myself in the trap I always seem to find myself in lately: torn between wanting to allow them to have their freedom to explore and concern about their safety and the impact on others. It is something that I came face-to-face with over the sex law for teens. It is so hard to know where to draw the line. I don’t want to prevent my daughter from having experiences like I had as a teen but at the same time I have to consider her safety and the safety of others who may be involved.

One of my fellow mailing list friends has a rule about teen drivers and her kids: no getting in a car with a teen driver if they have had their license for less than six months. That seems sensible to me. But I’m going to add one modification: the teen driver has had to have time to practice their driving skills more than every now and again.

I would love to hear how you’ve handled this situation!

A Losing Battle: Positive Reinforcement vs. Negative Memory

2008-04-16T17:05:00.000-04:00

A woman on one of the mailing lists I’m on is making a special project for her daughter’s 18th birthday. It is a list of 100 things that are positive about her daughter that has 20 topics with five supporting statements. A few of the other mothers have said it is something they’re thinking about doing for their daughter’s 18th birthday because their daughters also insist that they never say anything positive about them. I think it is a lovely idea but I can also hear the daughter’s saying, “Yea, right. Sure you do.”

It got me to thinking about my daughter and me. I tell her all the time that I think she’s pretty, funny, smart, creative, compassionate, a good friend, good grades, sings well, and so on. She has a lot of good qualities so there’s never a lack of a place to find something positive to say about her. I tell her positive things all the time, especially when she’s being down on herself.

I do tease her too and we joke about things all the time and I know she knows I’m joking. She’s said so. But if you were to ask her right now she would say that I never have anything nice to say about her and would give you a list of all the ‘negative’ things I have ever said about her from her earliest memories to the present. Every little tease or suggestion to help improve something (like weight loss, exercising, pimples, school work, etc.) from the last 12 years has been recorded then wielded like a sword during battle. She uses them to slice me up one side and down the other. And nothing I can say can counter them.

I can never give helpful tips on things like how to lose weight, something that she herself has identified as an issue; I get back, “Thanks for telling me I’m fat.”

If I suggest she use a different facial cleaner to help with her acne I get told, “Thanks for pointing out my pimples as if I didn’t already feel bad enough about them.”

And it doesn’t matter how you suggest it, you get the same response. It isn’t any better when I try to involve her in the decision making either … “It doesn’t matter what I want, you’re just going to get what you want” or “I don’t even want it, get whatever.” Argh!

It really is enough to make one pull all their hair out! How are we supposed to be supportive and provide guidance when we get cut to the quick every time we try? I’m not giving up but if anyone has advice on how to make it easier, please let me know!

Baby Envy

2008-04-14T19:01:00.000-04:00

One of my friends at work is due in early November. My friend in Maryland’s wife is due in mid-November. Friends of a friend in New Jersey are expecting their second child. Everyone is having a baby! I want a baby! (When I made this declaration at work today I actually stomped my foot, which seemed to really amuse my daughter and friend. Good thing I work in an office tucked away from the rest of the world!)

I’ve wanted a second child since about the time I turned 30. My daughter was six at the time and had been begging for a sibling for at least four years. When I’d (foolishly) gotten my tubes tied when she was four she got really mad at me and started telling people she was pregnant. She was going to have the baby for me since I couldn’t have one anymore. She even told her doctor about it and he laughed. “Is she serious?” he asked. I could only nod my head.

Needless to say, she never had that mythical baby. And I’ve yet to even get close to being at a point where I could seriously consider having a second one. It was one of the top five reasons for wanting to end my marriage six years ago, that’s how serious I was about it. But here I am: still needing to lose weight, find a suitable partner and figure out the best way to do given my tubes have been tied for eight years.

Unfortunately, I’m also working on a tight schedule. I know that every year that passes puts my yet-to-be-conceived child even more at risk for birth defects. Essentially, I have about two, maybe three, years left. I know many women have had healthy babies well into their 40s but they were seriously putting themselves and their unborn child at risk, and those risks go up substantially every year past 35.

I have the first part started and am trying to lose weight. I’ve given up the soda, which means I’m also drinking a lot more liquids, and have a membership to the Y. I’ve even gotten my initial visit with the personal trainer out of the way. Now I just need to start going on a regular basis. Then I can start on the hardest part diet-wise: the carbs.

After I get that going I guess I’ll be in better shape, emotionally and physically, to start looking for the suitable partner and maybe, if I get lucky, I’ll be where I need to be to have a baby before I turn 40. And hopefully I won’t have to deal with the baby envy thing anymore.