Not going nowhere

HB to me.

2009-04-22T13:14:00.002+10:00

Today is my 31st birthday.

While I think I can be quite the attention seeking laughwhore, I'm always a bit shy around attention that has been thrown upon me rather than me going out and grabbing attention with ridiculously humourous and impeccibly timed qwips.

The walk along the corridor to my department filled me with supershy, knowing that my workmates were going to make a fuss as soon as they saw me.

I have, however, survived, unscathed and had some cake to boot. Getting older rocks.

One thing that doesn't rock, is getting older (confusing no?). I would say my greatest fear in life, is not public speaking or dying, but getting old. Not old like 35, 40 or 57, but old old. Old where you start to become quite unaware of what's going on around you, where you are deafer, blinder, non working of knees, where you're frustrated with the failings of your own body and start getting grumpy/crotchety but secretly know that any of those youths could break any of your feeble bones just by swinging their iPod at your hip. Damn youths.

Obviously I've got quite some years before all this happens in earnest, but for me, 31 signifies the start of the unstoppable slide. Already, my fast twitch reflexes are slower than a dude half my age. Also, I can describe people, virtual adults even, as half my age. Already, my energy droops and I can make old person noises when I get out of a comfy chair, also some chairs are now becoming comfy.

So, my point to this post is that I'm having a slight freakout. Not because I haven't achieved particular things to tick on the list, but because my dream of becoming a hardcore vigilante dealing death and/or embarrassment to drug dealers is picking up momentum to speed out of my grasp.

My one saving grace of thoughts is that I'm still the youngest and most hopeless dude in my Kung Fu class. Everyone else is better, faster, fitter, older. I wish I was all those things. There might be hope for me yet. Watch out doers of evils!

Friday the night

2009-01-19T10:29:00.002+11:00

On Friday night, we did something totally different.

Cara organised a couple of friends to come over, sit on the couch and watch TV with us.
Social engagements to me have always been about doing something, this was the first time I was in a show about nothing, and I tell you, it was pretty freakin' rockin'.

The kids were sitting on our doorstep when we got home, waiting with their sad little abandoned faces. Cara and I used to live with Danielle, and we've come to know and love her partner Bruce, with them they brought a backpack of wine, biscuits and dips.

We chatted and chilled and laughed so much and did the hang out for ages before it was totally time for dinner. Cara and Bruce decided not to take their cold hard cash transportational devices, and I tried my best to hide Danielle's purse so I could pay for dinner. Cara and I had so far provided just the couches. Danielle, being quite the wiley hunter easily found her purse and I psyched myself up for the oncoming battle of payment to be held at the Thai Takeaway register.

We headed into the DVD place first, and Bruce and I shortly abandoned The Quest To Find The Perfect Movie to be all efficient and stuff to pick up the food down the road. With Cara being supersmart and pre-ordering, Bruce and I walked into the resturant to be greeted with so many smiles. A box of kittens has long been voted the cutest thing ever, but sometimes I think a box of Thai people would come a close second.

Anyway, battlelines were drawn. Two men. One bill. Bruce pulled out his cash, a $20 and a $50, I pulled out mine, also a $20 and a $50. The bill was $45. I suddenly and inexplicably reached down in my pocket and realised I only had my wallet. No house keys.

In my distraction, Bruce fiented to the left, parried and thrust the $50 at the waitress. My brain running several seconds behind I chucked my $20 at Bruce and left the resturant. Confused, he grabbed the food and followed.

"I think...." I started, checking all my pockets.
"..that we're locked out of the house."

Dudes are awesome. Instead of chucking a spazz, Bruce just smirked and asked the usual questions; does Cara have a key, do you have a spare somewhere, is the back door unlocked?
No, no and no. Cara didn't bring anything, I don't think.

Bruce and I, in all our smirkingness, went back to the DVD store where the girls had narrowed down to two. They asked our opinion, and we virtually ignored them as I hugged Cara and sneakily checked her pockets.

"What are you doing?" - Is she immune to ninja sneakiness?

"Just checking if you've got cash" I lied and smirked "To pay for the DVD, we're going to go back to the house."

Danielle objected, wanting help to make a movie decision, but we were out of there so fast. Cara didn't have her keys, and we only had minutes before the girls would be home. We walked with comical haste.

Sometimes when I leave the house, to go to the milkbar or something I don't lock the door. I was hoping this was one of those times. It was not.

We live in a townhouse that is surrounded by other townhouses. The backyards are all next to each other and are completely enclosed by other townhouses. I didn't remember opening the backdoor, nor leaving it unlocked, but to get to it, we'd have to be let into a neighbours house and climb over their fence to get in. It wasn't the best plan.

Being dudes with a problem, we took in all the details. Cara had opened the bedroom window a crack to let some air in after the hotness that had been the past few days. Her balcony door didn't look like it had been opened for a week or so. The front window wasn't unlocked at all.

"Try that top window." Bruce said as he grabbed the wheely bin. He helped me up on the bin, and then held his hands on a wall thing to give me a boost upto the next level. I pulled myself up. Before trying the window, I climbed over to the balcony to check that door, no dice.

Climbing back over to the window, I stuck my hand in, and was able to unwind it out further. It didn't go far, but being athletically trim has it's advantages. I was just able to squeeze in, my bum nearly got stuck, but all my body parts thought skinny thoughts and we pulled through. Bruce cheered from the ground level.

Expecting the police at any moment, I quickly ran downstairs, let Bruce in and we went about setting up for dinner.

Time to break in to our house: 25 seconds.
Police called: 0.
Gnarly cool scratches on chest, stomach: 3.

The girls, in their indecision got both movies and rocked up as we grabbed cutlery and drinks for some couch action.

Dudes solve problems.
Proud of our skillz, we regailed the girls with stories of heroics, physical feats, swift action and the fragility of our security.

The girls, impressed with our awesomeness wanted to know more.

"Why didn't you use my keys?"

"Ah, that's why I was checking your pockets, you didn't have them."

"Yes I did, in my back pocket."

Beat.

"What?"

Gah! Who keeps keys in their back pocket?
You can't sit down with that junk in your trunk.

It might be the hard way.
It might be unnecessary.
But Dudes solve problems.

What bleeds my barracas this week.

2008-12-31T16:48:00.000+11:00

Souvenirs.

Why do I need a memento of your holiday?

"Hey, I see by your socks you've enjoyed Tasmania."

"Ahhh, no, my girlfriend's aunty enjoyed Tasmania, I haven't done the washing for a bit."

ARC has ruined me for bands.

2008-12-29T08:20:00.000+11:00

I've never been much of a spectator.I can watch a whole football game a couple of times a year, but really, it just makes me want to kick some balls, tackle some dudes, way off-time screamers, etc. Bands is the same deal, watching other dudes totally bang out some tunes is fun for like, a couple of minutes, before an overwhelming urge to kick one of them off and rock out on stage takes hold and does not let go. Freakin'.

With Cara's new 2nd band gigging, they asked me to do the lights for one of their shows, and now I've done lighting for almost every one of their gigs. It's awesome! It totally connects me with the band, with the audience and is superfun. I have no idea if I'm doing a good job or not, but I've yet to be punched, so either I'm okayish or peeps are too polite these days.

With the awesomeness, comes the non-awesomeness, which is watching non-Cara bands. Cara loves it, she gets to see what everyone else is doing, gets ideas, inspiration, motivation, makes friends, gets to enjoy music without the luggin' and the setting things up. For me, it's just a bit of standing and being still. Does anyone even like standing?

One of Cara's bandmates little brother posts notes on facebook with a religious ferver about bands he's seen and how much he enjoys it. He seems constantly moved or superimpressed. I just don't really get it.

Of course, I'll still go, I'm more than happy to support the little red rockchick while she does something she loves, I just wish I enjoyed them as much as I enjoy her gigs. Maybe I just need to bring my own lights. Surely the bands won't mind.

One gig I am excited about is Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova doing/being/playing The Swell Season. It's a sit-downery and their songs are so freakin' awes. Maybe I just like bands that I know all the songs of.

Doesn't matter if you're black or white. Doesn't matter, yeah, yeah, yeah.

2008-12-28T13:40:00.003+11:00

I've never really done a shot like this before, but it was ridiculously easy to pull off. Light behind the young lady, light in front/slightly above and bang. Photoshop helped me convert to black and white and I upped the contrast. The only I'd like to improve in this shot is more light on her eyes. Something to keep in mind next time.

Adventures in the dirts

2008-12-28T13:36:00.002+11:00

I'm not sure why we did this, I think everyone was so super over being ridiculously good looking all the time. Anyways, the models loved it, crazy kids.

You have 5 messages (of lurve of similar - surely).

2008-12-27T08:17:00.000+11:00

I've become quite concerned about the lady who did the voice for the messagebank on my phone. I don't know what the market share of the different phone companies are, but there must be a few million Australians who hear her informative yet slightly excited tones each day. What kind of life must she have? Do people subconciously press 1 when she mumbles? Does she find that dudes and chicks press 3 (or 5) halfway through a totally boring sentence? Can she even leave her house? Talk in public? Messagebank lady, are you okay?

What damages my determination this week.

2008-12-24T16:52:00.001+11:00

Driving me mental this week is that at work I seem to have become the focal point of every person's question, comment, ventation, etc. I cop a heap of questions that people could really figure out themselves, comments that I don't really need to hear and ventation that really, isn't particularly relevant to me.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO READ BLOGS ALL DAY WITH THESE INTERUPTIONS?

Honestly, people.

Work is awesomes.

2008-12-24T11:15:00.001+11:00

This week brought me my greatest achievement in my working life thus far. I'm really quite proud and would like to share this with you all.

Two days ago, I managed to convince my colleagues that my nickname is Captain Awesome. This moniker is totally getting more airtime than a 10 year old's rubberband.

Greatest. Achievement. Ever.

Thanks Internetz.

2008-12-24T08:14:00.000+11:00

Thank yous via e-mail? What say you, are they necessary?

Being a Knight of ITness, I've always been about the paperless office and the non-surpurflous e-mails. I link to a document rather than send it, I don't CC anyone unless they absolutely must be included and I'm happy to just chat to someone instead of sending a potentially misunderstood message. IT peeps tend to me on the lazy side and don't read all the words, which leads to confusion, yadda yadda yah.

If someone does something for me, I'll say thank you next time I see them, or I say thank you at the top of any further e-mails I might need to send, but I don't just send a thanking e-mail. Am I a rude sob? I never really thought of it until recently where maybe a 3rd of my e-mails are just the two words.

In the days where you had to open each message, I found that annoying, but since most e-mail programs have that view pane thing, I dunno...

I don't want to be impolite and it's not hard, it just seems like a bit of a waste of their time to read the e-mail. I just totally don't know.

Overheard in NYC/Melbs.

2008-12-23T08:05:00.001+11:00

Shop lady "Well that sounds like a nice day planned."

Customer "C'mon sir, let's go."

Sir jumps up.

Shop lady "Hee hee, he's ready, he's ready. Okay, see you later."

Customer "See you."

Whoa! Adam, your blog is awesome, all these stories of amaze. Wait, the reason I wrote this is because Sir was a guidedog. The shop lady never even gave the phrase 'see ya' a second thought, whereas I'm totally sure I would have been all suave and "Okay, see you later... um, I mean, ah, I'll see you later but ah, you'll um, hear me later or um, ah, what a nice doggie." Grr blind/shop people, making me feel ackward about throwaway farewell words.

Festive Bullies

2008-12-22T12:25:00.000+11:00

The method of operation of the Festive Bully is to heap on the obligation to suspecting friends and relatives using any festivities or celebration as an excuse, ie, "Oh, it's May Day,the day that celebrates the social and economic achievements of the labour movement? YOU MUST COME OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER, BRING PRESENTS!" Festive bullies don't allow the myraid of creative excuses one may use to not spend time with them that the bullied have been perfecting all year long, and alas, society actually sides with the bully by removing all possible excuse derivation mechanisms. Working late, funerals, studying for exams, washing hair, being hungover as all get out are disallowed on many festive occasions under the We're Scared of Festive Bullies too Act 1812.

Elevator at the end.

2008-12-22T08:03:00.002+11:00

Man, I do this every time I'm in a hurry. I run into the building and bolt into the elevator, without checking to see if I'm running into the elevator that really should be avoided at all costs.

This morning, I pressed 10 without even realising I was in the wrong elevator, and Whammo! I'm there hanging with my 10 year old self instead of getting to work on time. Stupid time machine, different colour doors just aren't enough for dumbos like me.

Anyway, waiting for the timemachine to come back round, I thought I'd talk to the kid (ie, me) to kill time. Usually I just ignore him and mutter quasi cursewords.

"Duuuuuuuude, I'm from the future, whoooOOoooOoo."

"Cool, can you come back later, I'm watching Inspector Gadget?"

"Young Adam, I'm from the future, I can tell you amazing things, I can answer any question you have."

"What happens next to Go Go Gadget?"

"Um, I dunno, the dude causes an accident that Brain has to solve. Hey, ever notice that Brain seems a lot like Gromit, as in, 'Wallace and'?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind dude. Man, look how little you are, how do you ever reach anything? Can your arms even lift those hands? Can you possibly have any economic value at that height?"

"Nuh. I can jump real high and run real fast. Wanna see my Batman cards?"

"Heh, I remember those. Anyway, never mind that, I've got some things to tell you."

"What?"

"Hey, whoa! Lego! Man, I loved this so bad, let me build something."

"Hey, stop taking things apart, that's my flying surfboard... stoppiiiittttt, I'll call my Mum."

"Alright, alright, geeez. Anyway, my advice to you is...... play sport in highschool and learn to swim."

"I love going to the pool!"

"Good, make sure you learn to swim. It's a good skill to have, and that way you won't have to pull out of a triathlon when you're older because the sea was crazy rough."

"I also like going to the park. And playing frisbee with my Dad."

"Um, okay, yeah, that's swell."

"Anything else?"

"Um, let's see, maybe do the Violin for more than one semester."

"The violin? Can't I play the drums? Hee hee, An...i..mal hurr hurr hurr."

"Kids are crazy. Later dude."

DING.

"Wait, will we have flying cars and dragons as friends?"

"Nuh man. The future is a total ripoff. We'll have crazy small computers and carry around phones."

"We have a computer, it takes a long time to load Double Dragon."

"Yeah, they still take a long time to do stuff, but the graphics will be much better. So long kiddo."

I got in the real elevator, pressed Level 10 and did the usual round of excuses. Waiting for the machine to boot up and connect to so many networks, I realised that apart from being a bit more sporty as a kid there isn't really anything I'd change.

I think I could have been heaps freakin' good at footy and basketball and whatever else, but by the time I wanted to give it a shot, everyone else had already been playing it forever and had mad ace skills of awes.

Also, just a word of warning, 10 years olds are exactly like talking to a simpleton. I'm sure I remember being smart. Hmmm, maybe I just caught myself at a bad time.

Nothing else has really changed in two decades years. Cars are still pretty much the same, computers are smaller, but still break and take ages to do things, people don't even have any superpowers or laser fingers or anything. There isn't a single hoverboard or death robot in sight. We still have to work and emotions are still running rampant, making all our decisions. Food is still edible and totally required and really not much different.

Am I expecting too much?
C'Mon 20 Years, do something!

What hurts my hummingbird this week.

2008-12-17T16:47:00.000+11:00

People who can't possibly comprehend why you wouldn't want to join their mailing list.

What suits my salad this week.

2008-12-10T16:46:00.000+11:00

People at work who just land at my desk and launch into whatever it is that they want to talk about without checking to see whether I'm busy or not. Being a dude, I really only have brainspace for one thing at a time.

Huh hrm

2008-12-04T10:18:00.001+11:00

Happy Birthday that Cara!

30 years old. That is hard to the core.

Bring on this recession y'all, what's taking so long?

2008-12-03T17:15:00.000+11:00

I had a part-time job from an early age and was super rich for most of my early teenage years. These jobs dried up and by the time I was in uni I was as poor as poor can be. Well......., okay, maybe not ditch-living, bug eating poor, but living on say, $10 a week.

I didn't really need money, I was at uni most of the time, my hobbies weren't expensive and I was too young to go out on the weekends.

As me and my mates neared 18, I painted up some fake IDs and we'd hit the nightclubs. A group of four dudes, maybe not The Dukes of Hotness, struggled to get in to these clubs filled with so much promise. I'd usually get in as I perfected the art of just walking straight through the door, mostly though, one of my mates would get KB'd as they had perfected the art of hovering nervously near the door hoping the bouncers would need an emergency coffee at that very second.

After getting knocked back from pretty much evey hot and not-hot nightspot, we'd end up at Pancake Parlour until the wee hours of Sunday morning recounting tales of how we nearly got in that time, and for such adventures a dude need moola.

I looked in our local paper and found something in the city. I was lucky. We were in the tale end of the recession, but no one knew that at the time. I only had one item that wasn't a black t-shirt, it was a white shirt that had no collar, I was the coolest young adult when I wore it that one time to a cousin's baptism or similar.

I was nervous and the only candidate being interviewed at that time. The offices were small and near the Victoria Market back when the area was still fairly run down and dodgy.
For my first ever interview, I think it went well. I was polite, I was intelligent and enthusiastic, my potential boss seemed pretty suave and gave me the run down on the type of employee the company was looking for. The interview was going so well that I almost forgot to ask what it was that I'd be doing.

The boss dude leaned back on his comfortable office chair, he tapped a flouresent yellow pen on his desk and told me.

"You'll be walking into individual businesses and offering staff a great opportunity. They can purchase a pen like this and a scratchy lottery ticket for $2." Being the ever polite and strategic young man, my smile didn't betray my thoughts. What a scam, this interview - what a waste of my time and bus fare.

"Of course, ..." He continued, "You can't approached any business with a sign out the front."

"A sign?"

"You know, 'No Hawkers' that kind of thing."

"Oh yeah, of course."

I thanked him for his time. I did do alright, he asked me back for a second interview. Despite knowing I wasn't going to touch this job with a kabillion million foot barge pole, I did honestly smile. It's nice to do well at something.

"One word of advice though..."

I turned back, almost alarmed.

"For your next interview, wear a shirt with a collar, you'll need to be professional."

Yeah.

I'll do that.

A mate was telling me recently that when he first moved to Melbourne his first job was to walk around approaching people to sign up to a new mobile phone contract. Who would change their mobile phone providers to a random dude in the street? Needless to say, he lived on just plain rice for fair while.

With a cyclical recession coming, I'm looking forward to the opporunity of maybe getting a dodgy job. I never realised my destiny years ago to be a hawker, swooping down on unsuspecting retail staff to make 1, maybe 2, sales a day. I think I'm ready now. Maybe a dude can follow me around selling 'No Hawker' signs. So much opportunity.

What kills my kissinger this week.

2008-12-03T17:13:00.000+11:00

People who ask a question, who then ask the exact same question of someone else. I'm happy to answer anyone's questions, hit me up, but it's a totally waste of so many things if people are just asking questions so they can get so much attention. It does feel like a total slap in the face too, didn't my opinion slash advice solve all your problems?

Bee Lee Ben Len

2008-11-27T09:28:00.001+11:00

I should like Ben Lee.
After all, we have a number of similarities; thinking dudes trying to make it in a boys world, slightly nerdish appearance but not without some charm, worried about that environment thing, etc.

Despite these things I find it very hard to like him. My first intro to young Mr Lee was through the movie The rage at Placid Lake, which I really liked. I didn't know he was a muso until much later.

I was all set to like him, and may have until 'Catch my Disease'. It was popular here, it broke him in the US and was an incredibly strong marketing move, but he just wasn't a cool person to like. That song never sat right with the person I thought he was.

I heard his new song 'I like Pop Music' and it's all starting to make sense. I think the dude has dumbed his music right down to appeal to the masses so he can talk them out of being retards. This as a move is pretty freakin' smart, he gets the mega wads of cash and might be helping out a planet or similar, but I found myself liking him even less.

I can't really pinpoint why I don't. On some level I admire aiming his music at the masses to communicate thereto, even if it then excludes me. I also admire his putting some strong words in his songs. I think it was smart to tie in those strong words with a fluffy, fluffy chorus so that it does appeal to so many dudes and chicks. I should admire that he could even be trying to trick people into hearing such words, and I tire with songs that just have lyrics that are just words tied together. I totally think it's smart to try and appeal to the wider mainstream market rather than just being a musos muso.

Maybe it's a tall poppy thing, maybe I find the fluffiness too fluffy, maybe he's a bit too smug or thinkery, maybe even too nerdy, but I'd like to like him, I just can't. I should like him, but don't. I feel a bit bad about that, the dude is trying after all.

What assaults my arteries this week.

2008-11-26T16:41:00.001+11:00

People at work who should know better but who don't provide anything close to enough information when they want you to solve a problem for them.

Aaarrgghh!!

2008-11-19T20:25:00.002+11:00

While I don't advocate piracy, hah! who am I kidding, I so do, I think the pirates who hijacked a supertanker full of oil were pretty freakin' genius.

Honestly, who is going to shoot at anyone on an oiltanker. One stray bullet and bye bye pirates, shooter, ocean.

I do know that today's pirates aren't as awesome as I think. There are no parrots, no peglegs, no sailing under the skull and crossbones with plenty of deserted islands to hide behind, no yo, no ho and probably not even a bottle of rum. I do admit that I miss those olden days, all you needed was a good ship, a couple of good canons, some scurvy dogs and a captain smarter than anyone else. Corporate office life just can't compete.

Supertanker pirates = two thumbs up.

What stabs my salami this week.

2008-11-19T16:40:00.000+11:00

The guy at work who asks questions that he knows the answer to, and everyone knows he knows the answer to because he wouldn't ask otherwise, just to try and trip you up.

Schmoneymoon Number 1.

2008-11-18T14:39:00.002+11:00

You may or may not know that Cara and I had a rockin' combined 30th birthday/Not-Wedding a few months ago. We got some massive cool presents, a couple of which were weekend away type bizos. The ARC has rehearsals most Sundays so it's taken a while to take advantage of such gifts.

We decided to rock one gift called 'Private Hot Springs Bath For Two' down at the Mornington Penninsula last weekend (renamed from 'weekend' to 'schmoneymoon'). The gift originally included a stay at the gift givers parent's holiday house, but due to some random holiday house using cousins that fell through, instead, I found the only room left in the area; ~~a barn with a manger~~ a golf resort.

I was late from work on Friday so with Cara at so much rediness we were able to jump in the car mere seconds after I got home. I was the navigator which is a much simpler job since Eastlink rocked Melbourne with a road that goes everywhere (mostly East). Unforts the Melways we have was invented before Australia was settled and so the potential for mishap was given a High rating.

Our house has improved a lot since our Not-Wedding, we were given so many crazy awesome presents that we live in near royal luxary. As the King and Queen of Australia, the room at the resort was not up to our royal standards, quite frankly, it's not as nice as our place. There was nothing wrong, it just was quite small (so much space wasted on manicured grass), the TV was supertiny, there was no DVD or CD player and the lights didn't work and were a bit ugly. I guess I was just expecting a bit more from the word 'resort', as in 'really nice' not as in 'last'.

Saturday was brim-filled with massages and hot baths, Sunday was brim-filled with waking and moving slowly.

See how I was writing the whole story and then just summerised 2 of the 2.2 days in 1 sentences? So unpredictable.

The staff at the resort were great, they were all young and cool and they had a werewolf manning reception which was ace because it meant he was there waiting to service our every need 24/7. I would hotels to employ werewolves on reception.

Obvs the Schmoneymoon meant that young Cara and I spent a whole lot of time together, way more than the usual crashing into the same bed at about the same time, and I think we like each other more for it. She really is a big bit of ace.

What gobbles my gizzard this week.

2008-11-12T16:39:00.000+11:00

My boss who asks me a question, then his eyes glaze over when the answer isn't what he wanted it to be then he asks me the same question the next day.

Photographies still going strong

2008-11-10T20:14:00.001+11:00

Makeup and photographies by a young Adam, modelling done by someone else.
A nice girl called CinaC, she could go far that one...