Boys & Girls

The Grim Reaper's Appointment

2008-01-08T13:09:00.000+08:00

You don't want to keep this appointment, Not yet at least. But if you are partying real hard, mixing your drinks, your girls and living the dissipated lifestyle, Guess who's coming to harvest?

The buff Test
We agree you look better with the clothes on. But we need to see if there are any strange developments on your body. A mole here. Red sores. Found any? see a doctor.

The Chee Soh (Toilet) Test otherwise known as urinalysis
Aww, call it whatever you want. Pee Pee test or piss stone diagnosis. Just head to the chee soh (toilet) and take a piss. There is so much to learn here. If it was extra hard to piss and when you did it felt like acid, aren't we in for a real party. Let's see you could have a urinary tract infection. Or our favourite, you picked up gonorrhea from one of those girls you were hanging out with. Either way see a doctor. We loved knowing you. Now while pissing you noticed that everything performed in spurts, you may have a swollen prostrate. Don't take our word for it. Go and see the doctor. It is not over yet. Do the colour code test. Clear piss means you are steady enough to keep on. if it is dark yellow you need to drink more water. If it is murky white you may have kidney stones or a bladder infection. If it's red, oh look someone's in big trouble. Go and see the doctor. As a precaution, check your brother and see if there are strange things on it. Anything from unwanted insects to sores.

Grab those jewels
This is no heist. Just raid your family jewels after a nice warm shower. Your scrotum, that's right - the casing for the nuts gets fully extended once it's all tingly and warm. check for bumps and lumps. There should not be any. Of course moles, pimples and other skin irregularities don't matter. If you find any tender lumps or never before seen growth, call the doctor. and horrors if there are no jewels, apply to join European boys choir.com

What a load of crap
We couldn't agree more with you. But stools can give you an indication whether you have piles, cancer and ulcers. Bowel movement it is crap but check with the doctor. Reliable sources inform us that anything other than dark brown and rocket shaped is a cause for a check. Go and see the doctor.

Ignoring any of these can really mean we will be putting the final touches to your obituary. That's right the king of clubs is dead. He ignored the signs.

In the diner or restaurant

2007-12-26T09:06:00.000+08:00

Everything was going well. The food was good, the music was just right, everything seemed well enough, until they started holding hands right across the flambe. Who knows what ignited right after that? But the management did not find it amusing to see furtive hands working mechanically under nice linen table cloths. All decent restaurant with Michellin stars will add restrictions to their NO pets allowed rule. We accept all card signs and another attention grabing sign and, oh yes, no holding hands.

In the Changing Room

2007-12-19T13:13:00.000+08:00

Now if you go shopping together, for heaven's sake don't hold hands. Otherwise you will be tempted to try out the changing room together. It all begins innocently enough. City council officials know all this sort of behaviour too well. That's why they are stopping people. In KLCC, a couple was stopped. Who knows what might happened.With the number of fashion stores, who knows what these passionate couples might attempt. I mean think about it. There you are, she wants it, he wants it. And the fashion store is just too irresistible. So what does our couple do? that's it. The run into the store holding hands and the next thing they are exchanging sizes inside the dressing room. Choi. Making out in the store. That's it guys stop there frenzied passionate couples.

In Mid-Air

2007-12-06T20:32:00.000+08:00

You have no business holding hands here in the first place. Why you dunno how to show the officer your passport izzit? No holding hands. Otherwise when the plane is in mid-air you have be having all sorts of ideas. Such as heading to the rest room. The turbulence while guareenting all sorts of pleasures is not good for the flight attendants and the airlines knowing that two passengers are getting it off in between dark clouds. Passions can explode under blankets as well.

In The Office

2007-12-04T13:30:00.001+08:00

This is why many offices don't encourage inter-departmental romances. office reports, tables and paper clips will end up being used as props. In some wild places the boss too might end up on table. To avoid the office clerk complaining, stop having those lunches where it is so tempting to hold hands and walk to the diner and the counter. Imagine what can happen on hot afternoons? That's it, staff will be seen rushing back into the office, dropping office reports on the ground, slipping under tables, dashing behind the pantry - all for a quickie. Office management are doubly excited with the ever vigilant eye of the moral brigade that's been on the lookout for men and women holding hands. excuse me, but are you holding her hands? Stop that at once.

In a Furniture Store

2007-11-29T15:39:00.000+08:00

There you are holding hands and walking along. The next thing you know your body is taking over. Dash into the nearest furniture store. What are all those beds for? Test their velocity and spring. Now the guy selling mattresses knows that all people holding hands are bound to be eyeing his merchandise. He's on the lookout, so just be careful. If you give a rousing performance, who knows the store might cheer you on.

At The Laundromat

2007-11-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

weekly routines will no longer be the same. Both of you are separating your coloureds from the whites and before you yell spin dry, you are holding hands to see how to work the machine. The instructions are super clear. But wait a minute what's this, you decide to make out on the washing machine. Oh yeah, she will love this. Women love anything clean or anything that cleans. Or maybe it is the sheer motion and vibration of her sitting on a throbbing washing machine. All because your hands strayed together to discover the detergent. Before you know it she has spun her cycle. Where are those moral brigades when you needed them?

Public Transportation

2007-11-27T09:43:00.000+08:00

If you are not careful, you might not just be exploring cavities and cleavage, there are so many things that can go wrong. From the park you might jump into a taxi and make out in the back distracting the taxi driver and causing a pile-up along the Federal Highway on a busy Monday. All because you were holding hands. Now you are asking yourself, with that small amount of space at the back, how much can you get done? You will be surprised.Then maybe after getting all those interesting stares you decided that you want to go public. Take the LRT, lah. From one end in Taman Mayang all the way to Ampang you might find audience participation Only make sure you are aware of prosecution. And that you are going out with a girl with a name like Varoomba. Oh and check and see if she is an exhibitionist!

Tempting Location

2007-11-27T09:41:00.000+08:00

In the pumpkin PatchYou are on your own here pal. With no girl around but pumpkins your best line will have to be, 'Darn....is it midnight already officer?'

Careless Couple

2007-11-26T09:25:00.000+08:00

Never ever think of taking your girl out to the Ipoh Padang, The Shah Alam Lake Garden or Even KLCC. Why? The roaming moral brigade will descend upon you. That's Right. You might just be holding hands but that's enough to be risking their moral indignation and outrage. You see holding hands can lead to all sorts of other vices and lewd public displays. What? You have never heard of straying hands or groping palms? or inquisitive fingers that do all the walking and talking, is it? Ask Lai Kar Leong from Ipoh. And all he did was merely hold hands. He was booked for indecent behaviour and promptly summoned by Ipoh city council officers. In Ipoh, they want the town morally clean and what's with all this showing affection in public? eeeh, no shame, leh? In Shah Alam they might tolerate the holding hands thing and all, but anything more than that is going to get you a summons. Now you are probably asking yourself how harmful all this holding hands and stroking arms can be? you never heard of temptation, is it? that is why they do not even want you to be holding hands and then get carried away, especially if you are dating a girl or guy who suddenly decides to do more than read your palms...see or not, how much of trouble it is going to cost?

Dark Diary of Miss Red Lantern II

2007-11-25T16:34:00.000+08:00

8PM - I am looking too fabulous for the place. I walk to the bar and ask for a Vodka. Withing minutes, he appears. He looks good enough to eat. I will wait.

8.30pm - He is easy to talk to. We order our meal. I laugh lightly. He touches me. I am impressed. Made mental note to thank Eileen.

9.30pm - We are having creme brulee. And he starts acting up. He begins to probe. He starts innocently and then begins to get insistent. I stop flirting when he started asking me about children. Children? The questions get bizzarre. He wants to know if i like housework. Excuse me, but should i start sending out my CV.

9.45pm - I am bored. And the exciting man is starting to get to me. I light a cigarette. I inhale and he begins to change right before my eyes. What seemed incredibly interesting earlier just evaporated. Now there is this pesky insect sitting here with me. I am not pleased. I put out the cigarette to hear him rattle something about ciggies and how bad it is. I just glared at him and waved my talons at him, dismissing him. I stood up and was ready to leave. He muttered something about coffee. Coffee? couldn't he tell? I mean I was already making him feel like some sort of bug and he still wasn't getting it. "Are you done?," I asked him. He was stunned. I continued. "Just to let you know, this is casual date. What's with the questions and expectations? I like a man with a point. But really there's such a thing a finesse. I don't think this is going anywhere." I smile and leave.

10.45pm - I get into the first cab and head on home. As I reach home, my mobile rings. It is my ex. He's just called to see if I am fine. "I am fine, I went out and tried a date. That's good, I am happy to hear that."

July 17> Eileen calls. She's genuinely disappointed. I spend the day at the florists. Flowers make me happy. I will have an entire bucket of roses. Ooh and no more Mr. Fix-ups for me.

Dark Diary of Miss Red Lantern

2007-10-27T10:30:00.000+08:00

Important note to myself:
Never trust dearest friends who mean well and want to fix you up with anything in pants.

July 12> Love life? What is that? My love life is nothing more than a lurid imagination. Now after numerous coffee cups and ashtrays spilling over, I decide to accept their offers. You see, they want to fix me up. We spend two hours discussing men. Or rather the mean I would want to have. There is so much laughter, giggles and finally I relent. I am already at my lowest point, what difference does it make?

July 13> Self-respect has gone out of the window. I agreed. No, I think not. Oh alright. I will go out with him. Eileen has just fixed me up with this great man.

July 14> I have just gotten off the phone. I am tired. Eileen just told me that my great fix-up is a widower with two kids. I screamed over the phone. Anyway, I reluctantly agree to try it out, since she says he works out, looks great and is a great kisser. That's worth one evening.

July 15> Eileen passes me more details. His CV seems to improve by the minute. He's not only a looker. But has brains and money as well. Hmmm.....

July 16> I am all excited. The day has arrived. Eileen has even picked the place. She has good taste and knows the right location. I spent the last few days thinking oof what to wear. The camisole and jeans looked good. Hell, I looked good. But not suitable for dinner. Dinner dress. Dinner dress...? After some frantic calls and reassurances from the girls, I am playing it safe with the black number. The one i wore to the funeral. It will do. The plunging neckline always worked. Ruby red lipstick. Check. Cracker red nail polish. Check. And the Gucci clutch bag. Check.

UpClose and Personal

2007-10-25T10:07:00.000+08:00

I HAVE A DREAM TOO, MISS MAO. To be a millionaire by 35. Reaching it slowly bu steadily. Nothing to shout about. At least I have a plan. I did not have this dream until she came into my life...and walked away.

She was the sweetest girl on the block. Three years my senior. Not that age was a hindrance. We stuck out perfectly as an item after our annual company's dinner-cum-party. We were the talk if the company we worked in.

I admit that i was first attracted to her sweet innocent look. Of course, her vital statistics and her brain complemented the whole package.

We dated for close to two years. During the courtship, I came to know that she had a male friend whom she regarded as someone she looked up to because he had helped her family a lot financially. Obviously the guy was interested to weave a serious relationship with her. But she was not keen as she said there was no romance between them. I trusted her and believed every word she said. Never in my life was I able to communicate more openly and brilliantly on life's taboos.

Then the candle light table began to turn. I heard a rumour among her colleagues that she was registered, married that was. The fact that several of them wanted me too had me disregarding the rumour on the grounds that they were jeolous and trying to spoils the fairy tale relationship. I asked her if the rumour was true, and she calmly denied it.

Time was the best judge. Her close friend eventually spilled the beans. I was duped. She was, without any further doubts, married. According to her friend, for money.

In between tears, she said it was never her intention to hurt me. She had been burying the truth because she loved me and did not want to lose me.

My naivete fought hard to believe her but my soul couldn't. Much as as I wanted her love, I was too heart broken to stay. I guess I was the one who walked away.

But what has my dream got to do with all this? Sad and shallow but true, deep down I realised if i had been rich enough, we would have been together today. She wanted love....AND money.

(Well, who apart from my cat, is not realistic in this civilised millennium?)

The last time I heard of her, she had since divorced and remarried, hopefully this time for love.No, you and I didn't miss any bus, Miss Mao. The buses were meant for us to board and alight from. The experiences we had gained added spices and sauces and pepper to our lives.

Remember, we wouldn't have known how it would be like if we hadn't tried. Of course, we had expected the best to transpire, but if it didn't, let's not be disheartened. Simply move on. It happened for a purpose. Everything does. Perhaps, whatever happens in our life does not mean anything. It is we who give it a meaning. And the lessons we learn from it.

Thanks to her, I have learnt to let go. Humbly put, very much wiser. Sometimes to the extent that i can quickly snap out of unpleasant situations and mind frames. You label it readjustments. I call it detached attachments!

The best chapter now is that I'm superbly single and fabulously free. I've mellowed in chain-dating. Every now and then, some sweet or simple or silly or sassy or sexy smile will soften my soul and send my spirit soaring.

History seems to repeat myself. I'm now seeing a girl who has - you guessed it right - a boyfriend! But what the (censored) ?! We enjoy each other's company. with ot without her boyfriend's knowledge. (",) Mr and Miss Perfect? I think we will be happier if we expect less and focus on our strengths rather than our limitations or the wrong stations

10. I want to meet more girls. Girls who would accept me

2007-10-22T08:32:00.000+08:00

If you are hoping to get her into the sack, remember that rushing into this can ruin your relationship. Go easy. Don't rush into these things. Study the signals. Never. Never give it to your desires. Make sure it is something that both feel comfortable with. Especially if you plan on seeing each other.

Now if you truly understand all of the above, then the next time you step out be confident and ask a girl out. Stand back and watch what happens. Don't use pick up lines, very few men can pull this off. Just honestly walk up to her and ask her. Don't be overeager. If she says no, smile and then walk away. Don't beg or persuade, it is demeaning. And if she says yes, here's to an entire evening of fun.

9. Expand your Knowledge

2007-10-20T10:56:00.001+08:00

Expand your knowledge. Show interest in the world around you. Pick up a new hobby. Because most girls are quite fastidious about a man who is willing to learn new things and to better himself. Additionally you will have a new things to talk about. It is quite unlikely that she will be interested in lad talk. Pick up a new hobby.

8. May be I don't drive a big car, or eat in expensive restaurants, but I am sure there are girls who will find me interesting.

2007-10-20T10:51:00.000+08:00

Show her concern and understanding. It is not enough to take her out, a date can end in minutes if the girl feels she's dating a self-centred ego driven man. Concern and understanding can sometimes be shown through the little things. Like if she ordered a dish and she finds that it has something she does not want, see if you can send it back. Or improvise. The thing is to show her sensitivity to her needs and comfort. That's the mark of a gentleman. If she gets bad news in the middle of date, do know how to react. Just be there. You don't have to give advice like Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey. "It is these little things that show us signs of what kind of person he is. I remember going out with this man who would drop me off and would only drive away once I get into the house. Or even the times when we went back home on our own, he would call to see if I arrived. These thoughtful gestures meant a lot to me. He was someone I could depend on and trust," says writer Millicent Davies. There you have it guys, she wants a guy who is concern and understanding

7. Be genuine

2007-10-18T09:12:00.000+08:00

Girls are the first to smell a phoney. Especially if you are faking something

6. What can I talk to her about on the first date?

2007-10-18T09:09:00.000+08:00

Sex. Talk dirty to her? Not unless you want her to think less of you. Women rarely appreciate filthy jokes. We are not saying that they are nuns. Test the waters. Her mood. Telling her tampon jokes might not be appropriate if you are at dinner. Women, however progressive, generally steer clear of these things. while you may think talking about sex might get her into the mood, think again. It might turn her off. Safe dinner topics include current news, people and events. Never talk to her about fashion or makeup unless you want her to get suspicious. Stay away from sensitive topics such as women's liberation, religion and politics.

5. Aggression

2007-10-17T09:04:00.001+08:00

Aggression. Yeah she know that you can punch the daylights out of the next guy. But what she doesn't want is to see you get rude and aggressive. Women don't like men who raise their voices in public or even threaten serving staff. It is not reassuring to her. Women have been victims of violence for so long, that the slightest hint of violence may trigger off her fears for own personal safety. Never try to get the upper hand with the parking attendant even if he's asking for it. Be firm with him. Talk to him. Never raise your hands. On the other hand don't be a wimp. If you think he needs to be told off, tell him off firmly. Or act professionally and ask for a superior. She will respect you more.

4. Personal Grooming

2007-10-17T08:51:00.000+08:00

Personal grooming can never be stressed enough. Bad Odours, and poor social skills can make a relationship rot faster than plaque. Men seem to think that burping in public or flossing with whatever's on the table is really acceptable. Women are particular and even fastidious when it comes to this. What sort of woman would not mind going out with a man who smells, has rottings teeth, bad skin, a bad haircut...get the picture. Cut your nails - it is one of the most telling signs for women. If they have to do it for you they might well as be your mother than lover.

3. She stared right through me as if I wasn't there

2007-10-13T18:10:00.000+08:00

Image and dressing. It is a permanent fashion. Take the trouble. Women DO. They are unlikely to be seen with someone badly dressed unless you are horribly famous, and can look good in singlets and red wooden clogs. "I don't see why men can't take the trouble to dress up. Or to own several pairs of sensible clothes. You don't have to dress up like you stepped out of Esquire or GQ. But something close to that can help," says image and brand researcher, Ivy Nathaniel. "A man who dresses up is not only respecting the person he is going out with, But he is respecting himself." There are many books out there. Go read one. Or even log into the internet and check out the various sites on good grooming and fashion.

2. Girls Won's Find Me Ham Sap. I'm A one woman Man.

2007-10-13T17:58:00.000+08:00

Whistling, Eve teasing and making sounds that would suit mating calls in the insect world does not work here. Oh haven't you heard. Girls have never been into that thing. Not before and not now. Do it unless you want to play with yourself for the rest of your life. it is a sign of immaturity and I wonder why men do it. We are not turned on and it is really demeaning to see a man reduce himself to this, "says helma macquilies, author of men have it coming.

1. She took ONE Look and Turned Away

2007-10-13T17:51:00.000+08:00

Women are not really attracted to desperate Men. We've said it before. We'll say it again. Standing with the men along the bar and trying to get women isn't working. Unless they are hookers. Don't cluster together. It sends signals that you are insecure. Be a real man and get the girl on your own. Not with crowd support.

Why we are not getting the Girls

2007-10-07T17:14:00.000+08:00

Getting them on talk shows, pushing them to see an image consultant and scores of well-meaning relationship articles in magazines and men are still clueless. Here is another.

There are men out there who want to go out, meet girls, and wake up happy. But they are always going back, single, lonely and anxious. When Monday comes, they stand at the office water cooler and try to ask to be fixed up. There's Mrs Ng who's been trying to fix up her neighbour's niece for the last three years. Right now the prospect of going out with her seems too bright to even consider rejecting. Or worse still going out with just about anyone, including the cleaning lady with a moustache. Hold on now. That's being desperate. Now is not the time to make mistakes or choices. Especially in this vulnerable state. The things is simply this - some careful planning and seasoned advice can help. There are many things that men need to consider on why they are not attracting the girls.

Q6. Did you know that Ah Kok's been sleeping around?

2007-10-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

This question has nothing to do with Ah Kok, his mother, his girlfriend or his mother-in-law. It has everything to do with YOU and your girlfriend. When she asks you such things about infidelity, she wants to know where you stand when it comes to her. She want to know whether you will do an Ah Kok on her at some point in the relationship. This is why the answer you give will determine whether you go back alone or with her in tow. Tell her you believe he made a mistake. Don't call him names or quote from a tome on adultery. The girl will get suspicious. You can tell her he's still your friend, but that you are sure he made a huge mistake cheating on the girl. Condemn the act and not the perpetrator. The girls have wised up. But don't and never stand up for his actions. Ah Kok may have got you the best deal on workshop repairs and the hair colouur but this is not the time to be standing up for him.