beginner's terranese

1/365

2009-02-19T16:29:00.000-08:00

I decided I would finally start the three six five photo project and the first photo will be...

me waiting for a text message.
So as a rule of 365 i have to tell you what my day was about.

i stayed home from school for all the normal reasons.
sick of being around people and not having all my homework done, luckily I still wasn't marked absent in miller's class so I am not on the edge of having to get a C on the exam so I can pass the class. I'm still unsure if he's doing this on purpose or not...who knows.

I got up at ninethirty to a pleading text message asking "Donde!?" from cambria. She is the delight in my life.

Texted tyler and tried to text pat...but Alas!
he doesn't text back.

The reason behind that could be ...anything
but for the sake of my heart i'll say it was him "just not that into me"
oh dear when will I learn.

other than that I've been sitting in my room working on my homework for about seven hours and listening to my top 25 on itunes over and over and over again.

terra signing out.

So This Is The New Year

2008-12-13T12:30:00.001-08:00

to do lists.

-birthday gift
-kellieclock
-macbeth homework
-gov homework

failingggg

de sole.

2008-12-10T11:32:00.001-08:00

this is where I am.

This is where I am not.

tacky sweater day

2008-12-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

it's tree week
and i'm tired..

dissolving one ibuprofen at a time.

this is the moment that you know

2008-11-25T18:20:00.000-08:00

that you told her that you loved her.
but you don't.

half day tomorrow.
and out to lunch with people i haven't been with in a while.

every day...
i dissolve a little more.

maybe I think your cute and funny

2008-11-25T02:31:00.001-08:00

this is the only full day this week and i'm still having the hardest time getting up and making a decision to go to school.

my lang homework isn't done.

And all i want is you to hold...
[I see you today :]]

God...
I am pathetic.

a late night.

2008-11-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

I went to the twilight midnight movie...and was thoroughly enthralled in a makeout scene enough to let out a huge sigh at the end and have lauren giggle at me for a good minute.

My god...that movie made me miss kissing you

It is snowing

2008-11-17T04:03:00.000-08:00

therefore,
I will except that as your rejection.

Wait,
They don't love you...like I love you.

I promise, I'll never ever complain.

2008-11-16T07:16:00.001-08:00

no more text or facebook messages.
poke wars.
or awkward meyer music visits.

i want you for my birthday.
nothing more
and nothing less.

there are just too many things I haven't done yet.
Too many sunsets I haven't seen.
You would've thought by now...
I would've learned something

Will I see you today? I can only hope.

800 mg. ibuprofen

2008-11-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

Do you know that feeling that you get right when you wake up...
like your mind is a clean slate?

You remember nothing.
You feel nothing.
Just the sleepiness of the night before.

I love that feeling.
I could fall in love with that feeling.

swinging on these changing thoughts

2008-11-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

[coffeehouse]
things that make me happy.
-when i feel music...not just hear it but feel it.
-extra chocolate chips in my mocha eclipse
-free wifi
-poetry in unwonted places
-flirting through text messages
-slipper shoes
-teachers making jokes about you
-hysterical laughter
-making the green arrow
-children being mischevious
-snow days
-7 hour beds

these things
will keep me alive.

I'm on the outside of love.

2008-11-09T12:23:00.000-08:00

Someone told me to make it a point
to start writing again.

Well here I am.

I have three papers due this coming week and I have to go to work in about a half hour, which means I need to finish the first of those papers by tonight before I sleep.

It's about chivalry.

The gay man that I have an infatuation with is talking to me via facebook chat every now and then and he makes me smile because I realized after talking to him that

Muskegon
is a very insignificant part of the world.

Did we sacrifice feelings
for facade?

Who the hell am I?

2008-08-05T19:43:00.001-07:00

oh gosh,
I'm so mixed up.

"Who are you?...

2008-07-27T23:26:00.000-07:00

how much of our pain is caused by not knowing
how to answer that question?"
-rob bell

who am i?

24 oz of coffee.

2008-07-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow,
I'm going to the six o clock service at mars hill...
and I'm not apprehensive per say...but
i just...

I feel like things are actually starting to fall into place..
even though everything seems to be falling apart...

things are just starting to make sense.

It's almost one o clock in the morning...
my mom's stalker just called.
and jordan cooper is trying to get a rise out of me.

but none of that matters
because things are becoming
so much less foreign to me.

The Truth.

2008-07-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

This isn't a chance for you to mock me
or a chance to praise me on how strong i am to be admitting this to myself.
this is something i'm doing for me
in a semi-public place
because..
i'm admitting it...
to someone.

Let's start from the beginning.

1. I can almost never keep a secret.
I say almost...because I have kept secrets before
they're big..
but they are kept.

2. I gossip.
It's a habit, a complete weakness
and a very unattractive part of my personality..
but I have to come to terms with it
before I can start to change.

3. I believe in God but...
I doubt it constantly.
This weekend at Mars Hill...I heard this quote
Doubt and belief make faith.
I will grow in my faith...
because...truthfully...
it's the only thing I have sturdy in my life.

4.I stand up for things.
but despite popular belief I am very capable of being torn down.
I don't have all my information memorized..
however..
I know what I believe
and i know what I want and why I want it...
If I tell you I don't...
this brings me to five

5. I lie...because I know
deep down inside it's either
A. something I don't want to hear
or B. something you don't want to hear
I'll admit it to myself later.

6. I want to save myself
for the sanctity of marriage
I know that sounds ridiculous but honestly...
If I had sex now...
I would never forgive myself.

7. I constantly need to be forgiven.
i say sorry more than a person ever should
I think i mean it about half the time...
it was something I was trained to say.
i'm not just blaming it on that either
because alot of the times when I say I'm sorry
I already know it's your forgiveness i should be seeking
not my own pride.

there's so much more...but honestly
I'm only two cups into this pot of coffee
and I have a lot more left to say.

today

2008-07-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

I found out that I have bigger things to think about

than debating my life and death,

neither of which I have that much control over anyway.

I am a speck in the universe.

And I hope to have faith even bigger than that.

I could talk about how upset I am,

worried...or completely disorientated...

or I could ask you to pray...

so pray...would you?

Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?

2008-07-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?

So many thoughts left mangled,
so many knots need to be untangled..

I would rather lie here and write nonsence
and sit in a desheveled mess,
falling back into sleep.

Secretary of a Call Girl.

2008-07-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

i watched an entire season...
in one day.

my paper still isn't done,
but I get to play with my camera now..

Though I'm young and cynical.

2008-07-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

It's not my only crime
I've been stealing all your cigarettes.

Donde es mi cabasa?

I miss being completly lost in language.

Mah-Ree-Ella

2008-07-10T15:41:00.000-07:00

happy in her own little world.

glue-ing my lips together.

I'll never have to speak.

Simply knowing you exist...Ain't good enough for me

2008-07-08T05:50:00.000-07:00

i love kate nash.
thanks cambreeeah.

speaking of her
she's going to be mad because i'm not reading.

i'll get ready
then read a chapter of
death.

i proceeded to get drunk and cry.

2008-07-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

i should be doing my summer reading.

we flew my kite today
and everyone [including myself]
have been in really moods.

we might get on
we could get on
we should get on...

You Change your mind

2008-07-05T07:12:00.001-07:00

like a girl changes clothes

i had a long conversation with my mother today.
and now
all i have to do is get that job at egg roll house.

and my junior year.
is SET.

I'm freaked out and fucked up

2008-07-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

and I want to show you a cure for you hiccups.

this.
is.
what.
i want.
to be.

Underground
by kimya dawson.