[The Little Secret]

I Have Moved!

2009-02-10T13:09:00.003+09:00

Finally it really happened. Since past few weeks I had been updating my new blog but up until now I haven't finished reediting the archives and a few widgets in the blog. But that's not really a big deal and I'm gonna do those one by one when I feel like to. I found out that my new blog platform doesn't support Ph*tobucket and since I used that a lot before, most of the pictures in the previous entries especially the slideshows don't appear as how they should. This is actually the most dreading part for me because I hate to do this kind of editing. I can just ignore all the previous entries but that will not make them look nice and I hate that too. If can... I want to make everything look perfect from the beginning, at least to my eyes ;P I'm gonna still maintain this blog anyway, for me to refer to the updated blog list and I have been thinking that to turn this blog to my link list blog. Well... I haven't really decided yet.

Anyway, I have told a few people the link of my new blog. Keep it hushhh ya! As for others I have been waiting for the right time to reveal/give it to you guys. But this doesn't mean that the firsts been informed are more important compared to those who haven't yet, or whatsoever okay. I even haven't told to my best friend yet about the existing of the new blog. So please don't feel offended at all. After all my blog isn't that interesting or special compared to many others pun.

Actually... instead of putting the new link here... I'm thinking of to make it the other way round. Who wants my new blog URL, please leave me your email address here in this new entry so that I can give it to you. If you don't want me to publish it, don't worry just tell me not to. I intentionally do this because I wanted to know whether there is any other silent reader following my blog. I found some blogs whom stalks this blog (and even I do the same too hehe:P). I just think it might be nice that we could be friends. So, mind coming out from the hiding?:D To my frequent blog readers, please leave me your email address too so that I can inform everyone in one go. Senang keje.

I won't email you the new link right away but please be patient okay. Honestly, I still gonna put the new link here but that's gonna be ages from now;P Tataulah bila... next month?... next 6 months?... next year? hehe:D Itupun pandai2 la carik where it is hidden hehe;P

That's all tah-tah! Leave me your email if you want to. I don't mind at all, seriously.

I'm Back Home Safe & Sound

2009-01-16T15:49:00.006+09:00

We reached our home sweet home on last Sunday, 11th January 2009 at about 12.30 p.m after 22 days PACKED holidays in Mesia. Our holidays seemed to turn out not as what we imagined and wished earlier obviously due to the short holidays and even far from reaching our expectation. Yes, 22 days IS a very LITTLE time to do everything we needed and wanted to do. But somehow Alhamdulillah we managed to settle almost all the important stuffs within the short time frame and of course we were happy and enjoyed our holidays to the max nevertheless.

Despite of that, we sacrificed alot on our own plans in order to consider more on the families. We were happy if they were happy, so that's why. If only it could be prolonged to be a 3 months holidays instead of 3 weeks, I would definitely say SATISFIED already. However gotten to meet all the beloved ones back home was far more priceless moments rather than whining over what I didn't manage to do or EAT or where I didn't get the chance to go. Unfortunately we didn' get to meet EVERY important persons in the families (there were a few numbers of them) though to be exact due to the distance and obviously the short staying (again). But we pray for longevity to all of them and us so that perhaps we can meet up finally someday, InsyaAllah.

What more to meet ALL of my friends since I needed to give more priority to the families first. I only managed to steal some moments to meet a few friends. Even that were done in the same time when I was on other missions for example meeting my friends while doing my own express shopping and bringing my SILs together for some bonding times. That's in other words is 3 in 1. If I didn't do it that way, there would be no more other time left to do each of the said things. I'm so sorry to those whom I had promised to meet up, to whom who wanted to meet me and to whom I didn't contact at all. I did try to organize so that I could squeeze some times for you guys but I just couldn't. So please forgive me. Perhaps there will be next time for us someday. We can't ask for EVERYONE to understand but to those who do... thank you very much.

Anyway... due to the hectic schedule, I can remember everything I do for all the 22 days holidays in Mesia. I'm gonna write a journal of the holidays soon so that you can see how busy we were that at the end of the day (EVERYDAY!) by 9.00 p.m we were already knackered and just couldn't wait to hit the pillow. But... we could only storm the bedroom usually by midnight and feeling dragged for tomorrow to come! We woke up early on next morning at like 8.00 a.m (had to) and the latest was 10.30 a.m (couldn't help ourselves already) and started the day which full with new agendas waiting to be carried out.

Now I'm home... and I have almost nothing to rush for. I already feeling boring, lonely and empty on the Sunday night, only hours we reached home. It was so much felt that way perhaps because of the drastic transition of vast different situations. But I knew the feeling not gonna last long. I'm happy to be back home again where everything seems normal, serene and peaceful as before (but so COLD and everything is WHITE arghhh!)... where there are only me, him and the life around us to revolve about everyday. Life is simpler and more laidback in here. So now I can have all the rests and time for peace of mind as much as I need :)

Last but not least there were so many things that have been happening in our lives lately. Well... after all 2008 held so many major circumstances in our lives... full with both laughters and tears. I'm wishing for more happiness to come in 2009 and we (hubby and I) will be a better us with stronger faith and patience from day to day, InsyaAllah. Anyway I will be back with more stories perhaps soon. But not in here. It's gonna be in my new blog. I'm now in my process of editing and reorganizing everything in the new blog and I will definitely meet you guys there... when I'm ready :)

I think I have had enough to be within this blog. I need a new escapade and of course a new spirit thus that's why I need a new platform.

I'm Tired But Eager :)

2008-12-18T19:29:00.006+09:00

I always feel very excited and can't wait to update the blog whenever I have interesting things to blog about. But unfortunately sometimes when I already reached the middle of the entry, suddenly the mood faded away. That's the time when I would hit the 'save now' button and logged out right away. This cause me to always have a few drafts in my folder and usually... most of them would be gone obviously because I would delete them right after I logged in again later. This entry is also one of them but fortunately I didn't decide to make it vanish so now I'm doing some editing and updating on it ;P

Anyway I'm quite tired today. In fact since last weekend my days have been pretty occupied in a row. I have just done with about 85% of packing the luggage and spring cleaning the house. Now my shoulder is aching and I will have to ask hubby to massage me again tonight. Today's weather isn't really sunny and it was drizzling early in the morning. So now there are damp clothes hanged all over the wall and the hall smells laundry detergent. Perhaps tomorrow the weather is going to be fine since I really want our little crib to be left in a perfect condition. By the way last night I had a nightmare of kids being chased by adults and once the kids captured, they were physically torched violently. The dream was really terrifying and it was vivid too! I hate vivid dreams and I still have them every once in a while up until now. It started once I got pregnant before... and if you don't know vivid dreams is also one among the many pregnancy symptoms. So... I'm quite knackered already by now since I was busy running for my life and witnessing blood spattered everywhere. Luckily I wasn't slaughtered though because I suddenly woke up with my heart pounding very fast and my mouth kept reciting all the prayers came across my mind. Glad that I had been saved ;P Memang boleh buat filem lah mimpi tu!

Actually it shouldn't be that hard in preparing to go back soon. But it is kind of my habit to clean up everything from scrubbing the toilet to washing the teddy bears whenever I'm going to leave the house even for a night. I really mean it everything... no any corners in the house is excluded. You have the idea right? So that's why I'm pretty occupied during these past few days and I'm soo tired!!! Arghhh!!! Hubby said that why I should take all the troubles myself and during his time he cleaned up the house too but it didn't have to be like the idea of my house-cleaning. But I replied that he should be grateful that I wanted to ensure the house to be in great condition so he actually should be supporting and making things easy for me but not questioning me instead ;P ;P ;P Anyway my idea of perfect house cleaning includes cleaning the kitchen clothes to opening new air freshener to rearranging everything back to its' supposed positions to cleaning up the fridge to checking the food stocks to picking up EVERY STRAND OF HAIR I found lying on the floor and so on heeeee~~~ ;P

However... I had quite an interesting thing happened last weekend. On Friday hubby had party and he came back quite late. So I slept late too upon waiting him to come home. While on Saturday we went to visit our friends in M*tsumoto since they just welcomed their first bundle of joy on last 3rd December. We arrived there at about 2.00 pm, left at about 4.15 pm and finally reached home at about 5.45 pm. Our distance is quite far from each other you see... but truly they are the nearest M*lay couple to us. We brought along some of our still new and unused baby stuffs because I thought we don't know when we will be having a baby again plus some of the things couldn't be kept for so long. So I better gave to them whatever could be given so that they can make full use of the stuffs. Not forgetting that we brought a few presents especially for the little one too which we bought like a month ago? before the baby actually popped out from he mom's tummy :D As an overall I hope they like the very humble gifts from us.

This is what's interesting :D Owh it's a baby girl and she was soo adorable that hubby and I took turn to cuddle and kiss her! ;D At first we were scared to hold her in our arms but after seeing her parents doing it then we got confident a bit. And to N*sah if you are reading this... we were actually quite dragged to leave because we were already addicted to N*ha-chan! :D Fortunately we are not living that close or else I would be knocking on their door every there and then! N*ha-chan we definitely miss u lots! Hope we will meet up again some times soon. Please don't grow up too fast okay because it weren't enough for us seeing the fresh-out-of-the-oven you! :D To N*sah and hubby thanks for having us and sorry too that we been there for quite a long hours, 2 hours and half to be exact and actually constantly HOGGED N*ha-chan which came much to her annoyance. If only she could speak surely she would say, "Ummi walid please save me!". Hihihi gomen-ne N*ha-chan ;P Then on Sunday was the day we started doing spring cleaning in the house.

Now on another matter... actually it has been quite some times I have been thinking about moving to a new blog. I started pondering about this since months ago. As much as I love Bl*gger but I think I'm starting to feel boring within the medium. I want a new platform.. with a new environtment which eventually will rejuvenate me more to blog. Plus lately I have came across a few blogs which mentioned about Bl*gger blogs beeing suddenly disappeared. So... I think maybe I shouldn't procrastinate any more longer and moved already, should I? What do you think... should I or should I not? Honestly... I'm thinking to use W*rdpress because it has the private protected entry function. I think that's cool. Although I don't actually write everything regarding my life in the blog but sometimes I like to hide a few things I wished to write. That's why I named the blog The L*ttle S*cret at the first place because I just spilled only a few shareable secret (not really) with public. Like in Bl*gger now... it doesn't offer such function thus I can't filter the readers for some particular entries. Some times I don't feel like sharing the story with EVERYone because... ntahla... saje ngengada ;P Again... although I don't actually write very personal things in the blog. What you read in my blog are only about 20% revelation from my real life. Even some things sometimes I needed to edit a bit for example kalau tak marah I'm going to write it macam marah sangat2 or kalau sedih I'm going to write it macam gembira je including sometimes exaggerating alot ;P and etc.

By the way I think this is gonna be my last entry for this year. I'm not sure whether I will blog once I reached home soon. If I have the kerajinan then you will be able to read my new updates. But I think I would rather fill my times filling up my tummy with glorious foods *perghhh!* rather than updating the blog ;P This also might be my last entry in this blog. I might have moved after this. Who wants my new link? ;P I'm gonna tell to anyone who wants but I warn you it is not in closest times to come since I want to organize and edit my new blog first. But... the whole idea of moving might also not happen. I haven't really decided yet actually.

So... anyway I want to wish everyone Happy N*w Year 2009 and happy holidaying. We will be going back on this Saturday and I'm praying for our safe and smooth journey N*goya-KL-N*goya InsyaAllah. Please pray for us too okay :) We will be boarding S*IA so we are going to transit in S*pore. That will be about if I'm not mistaken 10 or 11 hours dreading journey sighhh~~~ :(

Lastly... as usual here are pictures of what I managed to cook previously. And... I definitely gonna TEMPEK all the pictures of delectable foods I will be having soon buat tatapan kawan2 ku tercinta di N*hon. Don't worry I'm gonna eat for you guys. *evil grin!* Silalah menangis sekarang ;P ;P ;P

Jya mata!

It Is Warm Today

2008-12-10T15:12:00.011+09:00

So that's why I'm here blogging right now ;P Lately I've been not in my blogging-self mainly because of the cold weather. Since today the day is quite sunny and bright thus I should grab the chance to do some updates. Actually, i need to sit facing the wide window because here is where the PC located at. During lower temperature day I need to put my feet facing the heater which situated at my right side because of the coldness. I can't stand to let my feet freezing. So it is pretty hard since I need to twist my body and of course that's so uncomfortable position for me to blog. I need to be in good mood and comfortable before I start thinking crucially on updating my blog. Yeah I know it shouldn't be that crucial merely just to update about what had been happening around me but I guess it is because Engl*sh isn't my mother-tongue, so that's why ;P Furthermore I usually blog in long hours and yeah I don't know what takes me so long to produce an entry ;P

I'm so eager to go back holidaying soon. In fact I've started doing some preparations for this such as cleaning up the kitchen a little bit and checking the food stocks which nearly to reach expiry date. I need to use those foods in my cooking or bake something in order to finish them and by this Sunday I've planned to do spring cleaning in the house. I hope hubby is going to give full cooperation on that day ;P It is not that he is not such a helpful husband except that sometimes he likes to do things in his own pace which would affect what I've planned and needed to do. I've instructed that he will be handling the kitchen simply because I think he is much reliable in that area (I can make full use of him ;P ;P ;P) while I'll be cleaning up the rest of the house. And of course I can't wait to pack the luggage woot-woot! But that will have to wait until next week. However I'm already worried because it seems like the souvenirs for families are like... so many and that's already gonna conquer at least half of the luggage space.

Owh yeah Happy Aid*ladha to all. How's your raya? Hope that it was benefited wisely. Not merely to enjoy with all the foods and new clothes. But the message that lies behind the holy day is what was important. Although actually I didn't perform the Aid*ladha sunat prayer and in fact we lived the day just like any other ordinary day ;P. Hope that we understood what Aid*ladha really means. One more thing is... I came across a few blogs of M*slim bloggers. Some of them commented about the practice of slaughtering the animals. Some said that they think it looked violent to slaughter the animals in the public and they pity the animals. Well, I really can't agree with them. This practice isn't simply be done because of the passed down traditional culture but it is summoned by Allah to Prophet Ibrah*m.

I think the animal are much grateful and proud to be the chosen ones to be slaughtered with the name of Allah rather than died in a non-Islam*c way. They actually died in an honored way. So we shouldn't really be pity for the animals. But this doesn't mean M*slim doesn't pity road killed animal victim or hates animals for examples. And after all the slaughtering of course should be carried out in a very proper way fulfilling all the terms and regulations as stated in Islam*c teaching since one of the reasons is to minimize hurt to the animal. There are reasons why the slaughtering is carried out in the public and why the slaughtering practice being done at the first place (I'm not gonna list them down though) and if I'm not mistaken we are even encouraged to go see the practice. Well... after all who am I to talk about this? But I don't think any M*slim should let his/her mind be affected by the way of non-M*slim (only a few non-M*slim) thinking regarding this or anything that had been stated by Allah. By saying that M*slim is violent and slaughtering animals during Aid*ladha as a proof that Isla*m promotes terros*sm is such a SHALLOW thinking. Sometimes I wonder don't they think how they can get to eat the burger, steak, sausage and so on first before starting accusing others ridiculously? *rolls-eyes* :P :P :P

Anyway this month so far has been a month full with surprises and joy. Congratulations to all my friends who had given birth to cute, healthy and not forgetting miracle babies. Congratulations too to some friends who had just found out that there is bun in the oven on the way! Owh I admit it I really envy you guys and happy for you of course! :D Although I've experienced the wonderful phase of life myself. But now I'm wishing my late 'Ab*d is gonna get baby sister or brother soon too someday, InsyaAllah. Don't even dare to ask about this though and don't even think of it :P I think maybe I miss all the beautiful moments I had before. It was indescribable! After all Allah knows best what's actually best for us. So I'll just keep praying and trying ;P To a few friends who are going through a very difficult moments in life... please keep holding on! There are surely reasons behind what had been fated. May Allah grant them with patience and strengths to go on lives.

On other thing... after months of none M*lay-movie-watching moment together, we finally managed to do so last night. Actually we watched S*pi on the night before but since we started late so we managed to watched about 3 quarter of the movie. So last night we continued to watch the remaining. Honestly I've watched the movie a month ago through a blog. Even though I didn't concentrate while watching it for the first time but truly to say I was really moved by the movie. Seriously I would give 4.5 out of 5 to it. I even think that it is much better than C*nta. I told hubby about the movie and suggested that we really should watch it together. Before we started watching the movie I had warned him to concentrate and keep silent. However there were many interruptions from him and so much comments and questions too. I told him to shut up and just watch since because we were actually in the cinema (as if) so we couldn't make noise. In between when there were touching scenes in the movie he started to kiss, hold hands, hugs and say that he loves me and so on (dia memang slalu macam ni kalau tengok movie ada part2 romantic) which actually came much to my annoyance. I told him again okay okay let's just watch and concentrate until one time I just hugged and totally ignored him until the end of the movie. Thennn only he understood why I didn't answer his comments and questions (I didn't want to spoil it!) plus of course I wanted him to feel all the emotions as in the movie. Sigh... so much of a quality movie time together huh?! Cuba kalau dia tengok One P*ece anime episode ke kalau langit runtuh pun confirm dia tak sedar kot? :P :P :P

By the way I made cinnabon last weekend after days of procrastinating. I need to finish up the cream cheese plus I really crave for some (no I'm not pregnant). However due to some wrong technical methods my cinnabon turned out quite upside-down and soo messy. But you never judge book by its cover. The taste of it was soo yummy that once the combination of sour cheese and sweet cinnamon plus the so soft yet chewy dough combined on the taste buds, would make me craving for more! You guys should try it, really! I got the recipe from here. Here is the picture of my cinnabon. I really didn't do justice to its taste, did I?

I thought of answering the tag given by Kak Azr* but after looking back at it... I think I may save that for next entry. Obviously because I don't think I can give short answer to each questions ;D

Patiently Counting The Days

2008-11-27T13:28:00.020+09:00

It is about 8 degree C at the moment. The weather is gloomy,very windy and actually drizzling too. So it is pretty cold outside and... inside hurm~~~ The autumn is going to an end and soon the winter is gonna sets in. Last week unbelievably it had already been snowing. So of course I was shocked with the sudden freaking cold temperature. We ended up spending the whole day around the heater. Apparently on that day the whole west J*pan from north down to the south received heavy snow due to the cold wind from the northern hemisphere blown down from above. Fortunately it had been snowing very little and the snow melted once it reached the ground on that day in our place. Compared to other places in the west side which got their soil all whitish covered with thick snow.

Somehow living in single unit house made the atmosphere in the house much colder. Sometimes I feel like living in a cool box, really. I wonder how am I gonna face the absolutely much bittering cold coming winter with bountiful snow. It's gonna be like living in the freezer by then. I'm sure I would rather let myself grilled and burnt on the heater rather than shivering in coldness. Imagining myself as a grilled Y*mame fish. Mmm sedap dimakan ;P Even at this moment of time I always get myself covered in my beanie, 1 t-shirt and not only 1 but 2 sweaters, a tight inside of my pant and a pair of warming socks hubby got for me from the pharmacy. Not forgetting that he bought me a tube of warming cream too. That's how crucial I already am within this phase of coldness. Besides, I feel fat within these layers of clothes.

Yesterday was quite sunny and I must say that I was quite relieved. Actually I think I'm starting to catch cold. My nostrils and throat feel hurt. Last night I was sneezing a couple of times and blowing on runny nose. A few days back hubby got the same symptoms too and on Tuesday he was down with cold. He came back as early as 10.00am since he couldn't stand the tiredness once the cold set in. So I was playing nurse and doctor for him until yesterday. He got quite an earful from me of haa tulah... jangan buat tu... kena buat ni... tula degil... dengar ke? and so on. Poor my not-so-little Baby Bucuk! Well... I nagged because I was worried sick and I cared a lot for you, that's why. So just live with it and let me be me okay ;P Now back to me... I think I got this from hubby. Who else?! I hope it is not worsening to real cold what more down with flu. Owh I just got to know 2 days ago while Googling how to prevent and cure cold and flu that cold and flu are actually different sicknesses but only their symptoms are quite the same. However flu is usually followed by fever and more severe compared to cold. Now hubby is playing doctor for me and he nagged me to take the medication. I haven't taken the pill yet because I don't like it. Don't tell him!

Talking about this reminds me of last year's winter when I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant with late Lil Munchkin. I was down with severe cold and flu. It was really one of the most tormenting moments in my life and miserable too! Owh it was hubby too who brought back the virus. I feel angry every time I remember about this because I don't understand why I wasn't given medication to cure the sickness when we went for check-up. Perhaps it was because of our fault too that we didn't insist and due to miscommunication the midwife and doctor thought it wasn't severe. Despite of the truth that I was in agony to catch every single of my breath every night. I cried in the middle of the night and slept in sitting position since lying down would only make me suffocating myself. Well my Hubby Bucuk being the forever great sleeper he is didn't realize what was happening at that time since he slept like a log until the morning. In fact he didn't know many things I used to do when he was asleep since the midnight until dawn. Of course now he already knew. Anyway... last time it took quite some times for me to recover. Since then I am so prone to catch a cold up until now. Maybe the immune system in my body hasn't been so good yet. Perhaps next time if I ever catch a cold or flu again when I'm pregnant I'm going to pester the doctor to prescribe me some medications by hook or by crook! Ayang, please take note of this!

The left side of my head and neck felt hurt too last night. Fortunately it already subsided a little especially after very helpful massages from hubby. Thanks Ucuk! XOXO :D Great thing about him is I can always bug him and be like a baby whenever I feel want to ;P ;P ;P I love being pampered especially when I don't feel physically or emotionally good hmmm~~~ Hey he too lurves being a baby okay ;P That's surely one of the things we share in common. By the way I always got headache at one side of my head especally on the left side since 6 months ago. Luckily most of the times it was just mild headache and it happened very rarely nowadays. Hopefully this is only because of wrong body posture and position or because of the settling hormones in the body. Hmmm, whatever.

Since it is already getting cold day by day, this is the major cause why I found it is so hard for me to blog at the moment. I'm experiencing brain-freezes, fingers-freeze, feet-freeze or by other words everything is getting freaking freezing on me and all around me :P :P :P Owh no! The heater is runned out of gas! Why now?! No, I won't fill the gas. I would rather stay freezing and wait hubby do the task for me ;P It's his job! Siannn lah siapa jadi husband dia ni? ;P Anyway I have listed down some things to do before going back holidaying in Msia. Some of them are of course souvenirs hunting for the families which will be done starting this weekend and spring cleaning the house like to clean up the toilet, kitchen, fridge and so on. I must make sure to leave the house looking gleaming, glowing, and refreshing filled with lovely fragrance so that it will welcome us in the most pleasant setting once we set our feets into the house later :D That surely gonna help us rejuvenating after the long hours journey. By the way, the first thing we wished to do once we reached the KL*A is to storm the K*FC. Arghhh I can't wait! :D Just so you know, I dreamt of eating K*FC's chicken a few nights ago goshhh! This is what happened when you have been away from home for so long. It has been 2 years plus since the last time we got back.

My foods-hunting list ;P

What else to tell? Well... nothing interesthing has been going on lately. Day in day out, everything is pretty much so mundane. I can't share everything in the blog so that left me with almost nothing ehee :D Owh yes, I was craving for cinnabon the other night. In fact I was salivating to sleep! It was all out of a sudden. No, I'm not pregnant duh~~~ and please be warned that is the LEAST favorable tease I wished to recieve. I planned to bake it on the tomorrow of the day but only to realize that the yeast had already finished once I had everything already readied on the table. So, I made some apam pisang instead. Very easy and yummy! Still, I'm planning to bake some cinnabon in time to come since I have like many more days to survive before I reached home soon. Sigh... I really want some!

Some foods.

Whereas these are a few pictures I took when we went up the hill near our village a fortnight ago. Living in this mountainous village make it common to be surrounded by mist and fog. But this is the picture of moving evening cloud during gloomy day. It was raining earlier in the afternoon. So the cloud was quite thick and low and on its way evaporating towards higher altitude. I never thought that I could actually get into the cloud. Seemed like another one of my dreams had actually come true. I DID get into the CLOUD! But... you can't actually jump from cloud to cloud, still. Those cartoons in TV are liars! ;P Actually, we wanted to capture last scenery of autumn from above the hill but we couldn't because the scenery was all vanished hidden within the cloud.

See how the moving cloud nearing the village below the hill at behind of us.

The mountainous autumn view in front of our house.

Sigh... since now the sun sets as early as as at 4.40pm... I use to feel very lonely and boring when it is already dark. I feel like I have to wait longer until hubby comes home from work. Perhaps this is because I'm not feeling well so I'm becoming more cranky and clingy towards him. Ucuk, please bear with me! *smooch-smooch*.

5 Years In Relationhip

2008-11-10T13:54:00.011+09:00

Happy 5th In-Relationship Anniversary to my ever dearest hubby. So, 5 years ago today was the day hubby proposed me to be his girlfriend. We hadn't met each other yet at that time. In fact we only knew each other for only about a month before that. Still... I agreed to accept him as my boyfriend. Although our courtship period was very short which most of the time it happened in the cyberspace, despite of the progress was quite monotonous, I didn't give him much hard times wooing me and in fact he agreed it that it wasn't so thrilling during in the process of stealing my heart.... but still today I'm so glad that it happened anyway 5 years ago :D Not really a big number if compared to many other couples who had gone through like 8 or 10 years of kisah cinta agung before they finally tied the knot. Still, we are in the process of producing our own kisah cinta agung since we got married like 3 years and 9 month ago. I'm praying for more happines in many more years to come, InsyaAllah :) I love you so much Ayang Ucuk XOXO.

However there isn't gonna be any celebration whatsoever except that I'm gonna make some special dinner on today or tomorrow. Even on last night when I wished hubby before sleep he didn't have the idea that it is going to be another anniversary for today. He flatly said that he only wanted to remember the solemnization day, so less the date to remember :P He wished me too anyway, plus some cuddlings and kissings and we reminisced a bit back on the first day. Anyway... by special dinner means, we are going to have foods that I rarely serve on the dinner table. Well, nothing so special actually like burger, some fries and chips, mashed potatoes and some salads. We love burger. Especially for the fact that no place we could order burger in anywhere in this country, had actually turned us into big burger fan. I seldom make burger because it consumes so much time and energy. I have to actually make them from A-Z, you know the patty, the bun, the grilling the baking and so on haaah~~~! That are so many works to do. But still... it all worth it when we take the first bite on the burger then :)

By the way I am fasting today. I missed 14 days of fasting during the R*madhan. I even missed to fulfill my plan to fast during the Sy*wal. I didn't fast even for a single day after raya what more to reach 6 days :P This dawn, I had a doughnut with a plain water in the bed inside the thick blanket beside hubby who was snoring in his sleep. It was so cold! So I took the box containing the remaining 2 donuts from the kitchen and refilled my tumbler. I dozed back to sleep before getting up for the dawn prayer then. This morning while having breakfast hubby asked which doughnut I wanted while his hands were busy opening the box. He was shocked that he had no choice since I gobbled down the one with chocolate flavor earlier, and left him the one with custard flavor hehe ;P

I did the laundry right after hubby off to work since it was sunny in the morning. Unfortunately the sun was hidden right after that up until now duh~~~. In the meantime doing the laundry, I curled myself in bed with the heater on. After I completed with the laundry task, I went back to sleep until noon. I was so tired since I had quite a restless sleep last night. I kept waking up because I didn't feel comfortable with my stomach, the cold weather, the position and so on. I don't know why. Poor hubby that he keept awakened by my constant tossing and turning in bed too. Anyway, it occured in my mind this morning that... why do I always feel tired and hungry as early as getting up in the morning when I decided to fast on that day? Why I don't usually felt like that during the day when I didn't fast even though I didn't even eat for the whole day? ;P Huh... so... I don't feel energetic right now. Usually I would start preparing dinner after As*r prayer but as for today I'm gonna finish up some fried kueteow from last night's first for breaking fast later.

Owh yes, my main reason to blog today is because I wanted to tell what did I do on the weekend. Well, we went for autumn-viewing finally on the Saturday in G*fu. I forgot what is the name's place but it is quite a famous one too. There was calm and wide river far down the terrain and the splendid colors of leaves were all along the rocky terrain from above. The water was green in color and there were boats bringing the visitors to enjoy the view from below. But I didn't know where the port was actually situated at. The view was really enchanting which at one point, we thought that there were gold or coins thrown in the water by the visitors. Then only we realized that it were only the fallen yellow leaves from the trees above. The golden color leaves really sparkled from the surface of deep dark green river. However unfortunately, it was drizzling on that day. The atmosphere was a bit gloomy and misty too. So... we didn't get to see and capture the clear variety colors of the leaves. Or else the colors of the leaves would definitely be more shining and highlighting under the sun rays. By the way the place was actually situated beside the road and the are for the viewing was quite small too.

After about an hour there, we preceded towards T*ki. While we were on the way, we stopped at a restaurant parking area. There was a small garden there and there were beautiful trees with yellow and red color leaves. We spent some minutes taking pictures there too and really satisfied with the outcome :D We reached T*ki at about 1.00 pm. It was our first time going there. That is the nearest outlet from our place actually. Before this we had gone to N*gashima Outlet Mall in M*e-ken and K*ruizawa Prince Shopping Plaza in N*gano-ken. Well... since the place is quite new so there was no other places to visit all around the shopping outlet. The previous outlets we went have more beautiful architectures and scenery compared to T*ki's. We did some shopping of my needed stuffs. Honestly... I had been longing to buy those stuffs since quite some times and by having those stuffs, I could replace the old ones and make things a bit handy for me. Thanks Ayang for buying those things for me *smooch-smooch*! Yeah... you know it I don't have money and as you always said your money is also my money, right? So... I guess that should eliminate the guilt a little bit ;P We were there until about 3.30 pm before finally we decided to go home.

While on the way home, I fed hubby with some lunch box I prepared earlier. We were really starving since we didn't have anything in the between since after the breakfast at home. Actually I thought we could so some picnic under the trees if we found a suitable place and the weather was good. I brought along the picnic mat and stuffed everything in the picnic basket. Unfortunately there was no luck for us to picnic so we had to picnic behind the wheels instead :P We stopped at a R&R to perform prayers and finally reach home before 6.00 pm. Talking about performing prayers while outing. I always feel more comfortable to wear my telekung. Sometimes I would even wear the telekung complete with the bottom kain. Usually the clothes I wore were already covering my aurat from top to toe. But still I always insisted to hubby that I wanted to wear my telekung. Yeah... he always the one who had to stand the stares from others hehe ;P I didn't care though because I was busy praying and I knew that hubby was always there accompanying and guarding me ;P

Whereas on yesterday, we went out for autumn viewing again since the weather was quite better compared to the day before. But still it wasn't sunny in fact it was grey, misty, windy and cold. We went to the park near our home. There weren't many types of trees there and most of them were only orange and red in colors. But still we had fun taking pictures and they turned out very beautiful too :D If only we had a DSLR camera they would be even perfect ;P Then, we went to the suppa... ate and took away some doughnuts and bought some groceries. We reached home when it was already dark. So basically, that was it how our weekend took place. It seemed like the luck wasn't really on our side since past weekends because the weather had been gloomy all the time. Perhaps better luck next week? InsyaAllah. But I hope the trees won't go even halfy naked yet :D

Autumn-viewing pictures taken in G*fu and in our place. (Gambar2 actually lawa tapi jadi tak okay bila upload dalam Ph*tobucket tatau la nape)

Foods I prepared recently.

Honestly I am really not in the mood to update the blog nowadays, even for bloghopping, leaving comments, replying comments or even to say hi. I'm so sorry guys if I just keep being silent. I feel like I'm so occupied with stuffs or is it because of the brain-freeze? Somehow sometimes it makes me feel good just to keep silent and ignorant from what is happening outside of my world :) But still as for today... I'm making an effort to blog also because I wanted to tell about my blogger friend Yatie who is organizing quizes in her blog and the winner will get the chance to receive gifts posted directly form her in Dubai, UAE! Actually I kinda late in promoting her blog but I guess better late than never, right ;D Opsss be warned that you gonna need to read this entry or this which listed down all the regulations and conditions ruled by her first, before you are qualified to take part in her quizes. You might still have the chance to win something from her so go click her blog now!

Last but not least, I found THIS while blog-hopping. I always have this kind of thinking even though I'm not a millionaire, YETTTx1000. So it was really surprising that I got to find a real millionaire who have the same point of view and actually living by it, everyday! This is really inspiring and different from the usual typical thinking most people usually have in mind. Come on, do spend some minutes and take a look at it! :D

Gloomy Weekend

2008-10-28T12:32:00.008+09:00

So... we didn't go to visit the grave in Y*manashi on last weekend. After discussing, seemed like there were some unavoidable circumstances which made at the moment as not a suitable time for us to go there until after our holiday in M*sia. Since I don't need to blog everything in here... so let's just leave it there without elaborating further.

Somehow... maybe it is good for me to not to go there yet in short time to come due to what I said in previous entry. If you could noticed which part. Sebab as usual... I don't share everything in the blog. Moreover, my never-end prayers will always reach him every time; no matter during whenever and wherever I be at for the moment. Lagipun pegi sana bukan ada apa. The cemetery area is also very well-maintained by the monk who also acts as the caretaker for that area. I don't actually need to cabut rumput ke apa ke. Owh in the wide cemetery area ada sections for each religion including Isl*mic Cemetary section ye. Karang tak cakap ada plak yang rajin tanya soklan bernas yang malas sungguh nak dijawab. Anyway I got to see a picture of his grave from a friend when she and her family went to visit their daughther's grave last 2 months. It looks good as always and the small plants we planted were still alive. Basically... that's more than good already. Perhaps, we will go there after coming back from M*sia next year and at that time we can fix new tombstones at the grave too. We are planning to order a new tombstones set for his grave and my PIL had already checked on this and they said it will be better if we go to see by ourselves and select the most suitable one. Hopefully we can find the one that has high resistant with the weather and not soo heavy for us to bring in our luggages later. However... I'm still hoping too that there will be a suitable square fence set for the grave. Or else... we have no choice other than to order the square fence in here much later. Semua ayat2 memujuk hati sendiri hahaha!

Also... we didn't go for any autumn-viewing last weekend mostly because the weather was gloomy almost all the times. It had been drizzling alot every now and then... the ground was wet... the mist was thick and all we could see was grey environment and got our pants soaked every time we got out. We could find a better spot still if we wanted too but the big thing is autumn scenery isn't at its peak yet at our place. We could hardly find any golden and red autumn view yet except 1 or 2 trees at here and there. Well... it has just started in here for the leaves to change to significant colors. Perhaps by next weekend or another week to come the weather will be very promising enough for us to enjoy autumn-viewing. Owh I can't wait! But... there is also a spoiler. Hubby needs to go to T*kyo this Saturday for work and he needs to work too on the next Saturday phbt :P :P :P Which means... I only have like only 2 days of precious Sundays which I must not waste at all. I pray that nothing will spoil the day and especially not from me or hubby. Or else definitely I will meroyan sebab kuciwa tak dapat autumn-viewing. Ayang... you are warned here hahaha! Kalau Rinny sesaja merajuk pun silalah pujuk tauuu! I kan drama queen ;P ;P ;P

Owhhh by the way... yup we are going back on this coming new year, yeay!!! woot-woot!!! Makcik sangat happy yer! :D :D :D We will be going back on December 20th, 2008 until January 10th, 2008. So that's gonna be like 22 days or 3 weeks to be exact. That's actually not so much of time since if we divide by 2... hubby and I are only gonna spend like 11 days for each family side. At the same time, there are lots of things we need and need to do and there are also many places we need to go. I already have such long lists for Things To Do, Things To Buy, Foods To Eat, People To Meet and so on hehehe ;P I'm gonna blog about this and show my lists when the date has reached me nearer. I really want to meet the soo many long-time-no-see friends so I really have to organize our schedule wisely. But still... I just need to say that families and our personal matters are on top our priorities. So, to whom it may concern... I'm gonna try my best so that we can meet up okay? If not, I hope you will understand. Anyway sesiapa nak ajak g open house new year ke nak belanja makan ke nak ajak jenjalan ke sangatlah dipersilakan ye muahaha! ;P All in all... there will be like 55 days? before the exact date. Semoga semuanya dipermudahkan so that we both boleh pergi dan balik dengan selamat, InsyaAllah. Amin. Tolong doakan jugak ye ;D

Lastly, now I'm gonna answer the tag given by Kak Yati previously during the fasting month kot. Kan? :D I don't know thew title of the tag. So... here it is...

1. What were you doing five years ago?
That was in 2003 isn’t it? I was in my 2nd year in university. All I can still remember is, that was the most thrilling years in my life. I didn’t study much and I didn’t know why I was so dumb to waste my time in university not studying. I was busy lazing around. I was at the lowest phase of my life in term of everything. Langsung takde apa nak dibanggakan. Kinda a bit lost but still striving to improve myself in terms of study. The main reason was I got too carried away being in love with my exbf. Although once in a while I could sense we were not suitable for each other but still I stayed in the relationship because I thought love need sacrifices and I didn’t dare to hurt him. But it turned out he was the one who decided to dump me. It was during the beginning of the year. Well the turning point was actually because he had family problem and it was on its most crucial time. Thus he became lost in everything and didn’t care about anything else. Which obviously shown that he wasn’t a good man for me. The incident eventually made me hurt my parents too unintentionally. To cut the story short, I kept chasing him to accept me back and he kept running away from me. That was going on for good 2 months until one day I became soo tired with all of that and was at the point of started to dreadfully hating him. I just realized that why I was being so stupid to put myself with all the troubles when he never care about me at all. That was when I started to hate him so much and kept praying that if only I never met him before. Later… it was during the mid semester holiday that I got to know hubby indirectly via my best friend. It was duirng the end of the year. It all happening so fast and I am so grateful for what had happened between me and my exbf. My exbf did try to befriend me but I said to him thanks alottt for leaving me. It was really a blessing in disguise since actually God had a better plan for me. He blessed me with the most amazing person as my other half who will always loves me back unconditionally and appreciates my presence in his life. The rest is history :) There were so many lesson learned from the breakups (gatal ni banyak exbfs ;P) especially from the latest but one thing I learned the most was it obviously doesn’t worth it at all to hurt all other people who loves me and myself even more merely for a guy. There are so many people around me who really care and love me so I shoudln't be selfish to others and ignore their feelings just like what the exbf did to me. Of course I can say this now since I’ve already met my Mr. Right hahaha! Kepada adik2 yang bercinta… kalau putus cinta jangan sedih lama2 sangat dan jangan buat benda2 yang bukan2. Semestinya ada orang yang lebih baik untuk adik2 nanti. Jangan cakap I can’t live without him ataupun takde orang lain yang lebih baik/sesuai dari dia. Belum bercinta lagi dah luka parah macam mana lah plak dia boleh jadi yang paling baik/sesuai ye tak? So semua itu adalah bullshit hahaha ;P Lebib baik doa kat Tuhan supaya cepat2 bagi kiter lupakan exbf yang berkenaan dan cepat2 temukan jodoh yang betul. Talking from experience. Kalau dah tak suka ur partner pun cepat2lah clash. Buat apa nak go on with the relationship if the love is no longer there kan? Soon or later mesti diri sendiri or the partner will hurt even more badly. Opsss talking from another experience kehkehkeh! Owhhh ditujukan untuk adik2 saje ye hohoho ;P

2. What were the 5 things on your to do list today?
Clean the house
Cook for dinner
Take a look outside
Wash my hair
Do some calculations on a few thing

3. What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?
I don’t really eat snacks. But I love...
Cake
Bun
Pastry like pie and puffs
Chocolate
Green tea/ Red tea/ Coke

4. What are 5 jobs you've had?
I never work officially yet. Owh, only for once as a practical trainee for 4 months during my 2nd year in university. At the moment, I’m a homemaker and I love it to the bits.

5. People I want to tag?
Ainul
Murni
Syana
As Comei
Mai – Mommy Rayyan

Toodles!

The Day Our Paths Crossed

2008-10-16T11:28:00.010+09:00

It is sunny today and the weather is quite lovely. Not cold, not hot :) I woke up pretty early today at 9.00 a.m. Well, actually I got up at 7.15 a.m as usual since I needed to prepare hubby's breakfast and his bentou. But when I was about to complete the chore, he said he wanted to go to work a bit late today. So, I accompanied him to sleep for a little bit more. He called the office and told that he got stomach ache but the truth was he wanted to sleep a bit longer ;P Lame trick. But I guess everybody else also did the same thing every once in a blue moon and after all I think everybody would understand too. So... no one would dare to question each other either since I'm sure everybody else would need to slack off a bit some times ;P

Updated!
Pagi tadi after taking bath hubby rub some V*cks on his perut. I was still baring2 n upon seeing him I asked like... apsal buh v*cks kat perut?. Then he said... sebab sakit perut la. I thought betul la sakit perut sebab muka serius je. Then I said lagi... sakit perut apsal buh v*cks plak bubuh la balm gamat tu. Then dia pun terus campak v*cks n amik balm tu and put it into his jeans pocket. Tadi dah balik keje I saw the balm gamat on the cabinet. I took it to simpan balik in the bedroom. Tetiba terasa macam musykil n terpk nak tanya... Abang bawak balm ni sebab betul2 sakit perut ke sebab sesaja nak buat2 sakit perut? Masa tanya ni memang dah tegelak2 dah. To which he answered... hehehe sesaja la buat2 macam sakit perut... sapu2 sket bagi ada bau. Hahaha terus cubit pipi dia! Keji tau tektik pakcik ni. Ayang tak baik tau tipu2! ;P ;P ;P

Actually I really don't like to blog now or do any massive typing at the moment. It has been since a few days ago I noticed that my right ear is very sensitive to the thumping sounds on the keyboard. It is as like the sound bounces back to my eardrum very hardly thus I could feel like something is hitting it every time. Hubby said that I type too violently on his keyboard. I can still remember that my friends made same exclamation on this too during my university years. Even some times I noticed that the whole people in the lab would look at me when I was typing during open lab and at that time I thought what did I do? I rarely realized this on me. I think I made a lot of noise back then, and now still. I think... this is just my style of typing... but it is not good for my ears and the poor keyboard too :D So... I should train myself to always slow down a bit with the decibel.

Owh yeah first and foremost... lat Thursday, October 16th, 2008 marked the 5th year our paths crossed each other's. Started with a short Hi and the rest is history :) So, that's why the date for today's entry is as above even though it is actually the October 21st, 2008. Well... seems like our relationship is still... very young in age. But amazingly we have gone through so much with each other, ups and downs. I'm not meaning to brag but I feel proud that we actually managed to still standing side by side holding hands with each other to move forward together most of the times. Perhaps all of these would strengthen our love even more for more years to come and even continuing in the afterlife, InsyaAllah. Honestly... I totally forgotten about the day. But on last Saturday morning while waking up; hubby wished me something like this, "Happy belated anniversary first time kenal, Sayang", and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I didn't realize the word belated at first and was quite surprised hubby didn't forget it. I asked him the date of that day, he told me; then only I realized he also had forgotten the day and only remembered it on that Saturday morning cehhh! ;P Well, he said at least he didn't forget it totally like me ;P Then... we reminisced back how the day had taken place on the past 5 years before he went to work :) Yup, he got to work on last Saturday... so it was a quite boring weekend as an overall.

Hmm we are planning to visit our 'Ab*d Darling's grave in near time to come. Actually we have been talking of doing this since past a few months. It is already about 5 months since we last made a visit there and I had been there once, whereas twice for hubby. I think... I should go there very soon since I kinda tend to feel unstable emotionally more frequently nowadays. The tingling sensation would easily arise in me and my eyes would become teary without fail to spill a few tears as soon as my mind rekindle back towards remembering him. I guess I just miss him so much these days. So I need to go there to refill the strength tank in me. Truly... I kinda feel dragged to go there too at the first place. I don't know why. Last time we went there, we were very calm and in fact I didn't feel anything heavy. We even laughing towards each other while taking pictures with 'Ab*d's grave. However this time, Im scared instead of feeling better; I would loose my composure and drown in my sea of emotion there. I don't want to be in that state. I don't want to be weak. I always make myself believe that I am a strong and an amazing mom to him. He would be sad in there if I be sad. Plus, I don't want to be sad in front of his dad too. So... I must make myself believe that I actually can do it. Because actually I really can do it, no? hmm...

Talking about this, my mom did send me a book together with all the food stocks and kuih raya stuffs a month back during R*madhan. When she was here I told her to find me a book which can gimme some explanations to all the questions that kept boggling my mind over what had happened to me. Being in here, it is hard for me to find such particular information especially reading materials. Even the world wide web couldn't be of so much help some times. So apparently she did find one. The book is actually a compilations of hadeeths from many hadeeth narrators and including some verses from the Q*ran. She said there were only 2 copies left in the shop so she took the better one. Both books were already old and isn't published anymore. Once it reached me... I was directly attracted to the some of the titles in the table of contents. So I jumped from one page to another to read them. Truly, I felt as like the book is specially dedicated to me. But... my bad that I haven't finished reading it yet or should I say I haven't started to thoroughly scan the content of the book yet ;P It is my bad habit that I find it is hard for me to start doing whatever I need to do. I need extra efforts to push myself but once I started, I just couldn't stop :) Anyway... maybe this is the right time to start reading it. I'm sure reading by reading the book will make me able to maintain my composure or even more to strengthen it so that I can survive the day without messing my face, InsyaAllah.

Some wordings from the book that manage to put my mind and soul at ease :) I would read them again and again whenever I fee like I need to recharge myself.

At the same time, I wish to go for autumn-viewing too since if I'm not mistaken it is the peak of the season when the scenery becomes very enchanting at least in my place and up to the north. This is my 3rd year experiencing autumn but I never went for autumn-viewing yet and I don't have any pictures of me with the autumn scenery phbt! ;P So... pertaining to my plan of visiting the grave earlier... I think we may give it in one go. Just to save time, energy and COST ;D Furthermore Y*manashi is situated slightly above so most probably the trees has changed to significant colors already. I must tell hubby to find the places that we might pay a visit which situated in the same way towards the cemetary. Anyway for peeps in N*hon, just so you know; there are only two M*slim cemetery areas in N*hon. One is in Y*manashi while the other one is in H*kkaido as what we had been told by the Isl*mic C*nter J*pan. So that's why our son is buried in Y*manashi, okay. This is because many people asked why we buried him there. Hopefully the number is growing perhaps in other parts in N*hon so that it will be more convenient for other M*slims in N*hon in handling a decease especially to those who are living far away from these 2 places. Talking from experiences :)

Anyway, fast come weekend! ;D I love outing moments with hubby bucuk ;) Kiter gi weekend ni lah nak tak Ayang?

Ringo Gari

2008-10-14T13:27:00.010+09:00

How's your weekend? I'm sure most of you have had the chance to stuff your tummies with loads of delicious foods from the open-house, or open-houses to be exact? Well... ours weren't bad either, we managed to fill up our tummies by taking bites on fresh apples and pears from the trees. Except that of course we needed to pay for the entrance, while attending open house is definitely free. It was on last Saturday that suddenly hubby decided that we were going to apple-picking. Actually I didn't have that in mind and thought of doing some window shopping at first. But I didn't object either upon his plan. I did question back for a confirmation but he didn't answer.

Well, he was being cold towards me because we had a fight on the night before. Nothing major really but I reached my limit then burst. But he thought I was being gaga over it and not reasonable thus he got mad and annoyed with me :P :P :P We woke up late due to the dragged fighting until the middle of the night. You know things like... I spoke up to him... he talked back to me... I cried... he ignored me... I asked why he didn't coax me... he told me that it wasn't his fault so he didn't need to... I sulked even more... he got angrier and so on :P... To cut the story short, so after waking up on that day; I thought no way I was going to waste such a lovely day. I went to him and saw there he was lying in front of the tv watching to his anime. I lied next to him and hugged him but he ignored me and said not to disturb him :P :P :P That was when I asked him about going out and he answered me nonchalantly about the apple-picking.

Just so you know, we are living in the town of apple and pear. Which means there are all apple and pear orchards available in every directions from my house as near as a sight away and as far as at the edge of the town. Once got into the car, hubby just drove away and finally decided to stop at a quite appealing apple and pear shop. Just like any other shop, the orchard situated right at the back of the shop. There were quite a number of customers at this shop and in fact there were a small tour bus which brought quite a number of pakcik-pakcik and makcik-makcik from elsewhere. Once I entered the shop all I could here was oishi ne... oishi ne... nak dekat 10000 kali. Which means each of them would say oishi ne... for an average number of about 1000 kali kot? Okay, of course I was exaggerating there hohoho! We scanned the fruits in the shop and then paid 500 Yen per person to get into the orchard. An obasan lead us the way into the orchard and she gave us a basket to put plucked fruits, a small trash pail and a knife. There were about 2 or other 3 families in the orchard too and we sat at the cafe like round table and chairs.

The apples seemed like not at the peak of its ripeness yet but still already ready to be plucked. I noticed that the trees exposed to sun light have the fruits more reddish compared to other trees. The obasan showed us which trees ready for apple picking and which one we couldn't. She also told us the kind of apples available in there. But we couldn't care less and all apples looked the same to us. All we knew was there were green apples, red apples and pears available in the orchard and we just searched for the big ones to pluck. We ate like 3 pears, 2 red apples and 1 green apples before we became so full. The fruits were indeed very big, heavy and definitely fresh and crunchy too! Apparently we didn't take lunch before going out so that's why we managed to gobble down quite a number of fruits. By the way, I brought a peeler along in my handbag since both of us didn't know how to peel a fruits skin using knife hihihi ;P Plus being an ever prepared me, I brought along a tumbler of water to drink, a handkerchief, a small pump bottle consisted of water for easy hand-washing and a few pieces of kitchen towel for cutting space :D That was why I had my spacious tote cramped ;P Nasib baik aku tak bawak sabun sekali ;P

We were there for about 2 hours because we spent like half of our time there taking pictures with trees and fruits hohoho ;P We were the last to left the orchard. We plucked 4 apples to bring back and paid about 400++ Yen. The pakcik thought we were Ind*nesian but we told him we are M*sian. Obviously because I was wearing scarf so that's why he was asking. But we didn't tell him that we actually live quite nearby hehehe ;D Anyway, we were lucky that he gave us 2 more extra apples; not so fresh and big ones but still way much better compared to the ones sold in the supa. Seems like we don't have to stock up our fruits supply for 2 to 3 weeks to come, yippie! :D Actually the orchard we went this time is about 10 minutes away from home. Hubby didn't want to go to the ones nearby the house because it might not be so exciting especially he afraid there would be people he knew in there hehehe ;P Well, think about act-tourists hihihi ;D

Here are our pics on that thay. Well... having the face covered with the smiley, I can't really share what were expressions that we had on that day; right? I'm giving you guys the freedom to imagine how we were feeling like hihihi! ;P But of course we were happy lah ;D I think this kind of place could be a very romantic wedding venue isn't it?

On the Sunday nothing was interesthing since I was left home by hubby. He went to F*ji Q with the trainees. Actually it was as usual one of his job to bring the trainees sight-seeing. I could tag along but as usual we think that it was going to be troublesome if I tagged along. So he promised me to bring me there at another time. He left the house at the wee hours of 6.00 am and reached home at neary 12 midnight. He brought back some H*lal P*kistan-Ind*an foods he bought from Y*amanshi when they stopped for dinner. We don't have any H*lal restaurants in our place by the way. So, I really enjoyed my foods consisted of nan, vege curry, chicken curry, butter rice? fruit yogurt, tandori chicken, beef something and spiced fish, chicken and prawn. Yummeh! *Mekacih ye Yang! XOXO* I saved my tummy since the morning to give space for these foods, you know. But I only managed to eat half of them. The thing about P*kistan or Indi*an curry I noticed is, the smell of their curry could last on the hands for as long as 2 days despite of the amount of soap I put and scrubbings I did.

On yesterday, Monday; apparently hubby was having public holiday. So, in the afternoon I just reheated back my last night's foods and asked hubby to join me. He kept refusing by saying he bought it for me lah... he had have enough on the night before... he pitied me and knew I like the foods very much and bla bla bla. But at the end, the foods were finished by half of them landed into his happy tummy *rolling eyes and gnashing teeth grrr!!!!!* Belakon baik je dia tu. Siap curik2 lagi from my plate. Ceh memang selalu bagi betis nak peha tau ;P ;P ;P *Kasih ditarik baliklah macam ni! hehe* Then after that we went out for some window shopping. There were sales at the places we went but nothing caught my eyes. Finally I only grabbed 1 purple top and a pair of pajamas. I love the pajamas so much because it felt so comfy while trying it last night and it has pink ribbons and small pinky flowers. Soo kawai!!! But I haven't snapped the pictures of the clothes and I have dumped them into the laundry basket. But please believe that the pajamas is really kawai okay ;P Lastly, we brought some groceries and headed back. On last night before going to sleep we had good laughs watching the movie, G*t Smart :D

As of today... the weekdays routine have started back as usual. It is raining today since the morning and it is definitely very cold. I turned the heater on beside me but this heater isn't that powerful I think. No doubt, it is a very old one :P It is 3.40 pm and it is 12 degrees C brrr! Hmm... the rain has come to sprinkle now. I'm gonna cook nasi lemak sambal sotong for tonight's dinner. Balik2 benda sama. I don't have any idea what else to cook ;P Okay, I better drag my butt to the kitchen now.

My Raya Journal

2008-10-07T10:33:00.020+09:00

Hi, I'm back. So... how's your raya? Mine was better if compared to last year. Actually this is my third raya abroad and the sixth for hubby. As of now my raya has officially ended. I didn't really feel sad or syahdu whatever on the 1st Syawal since perhaps because I've gotten used to it and I kinda expected it already of how it should be. But of course I missed the foods more than anything else as always. I'm soo jealous! Yeah... I missed the families too but I do miss them too on every other days. So... basically that didn't make any difference on the raya day itself. My principle is simple... hari2 pun boleh mintak maaf n hari2 pun boleh rindu2. In fact hari2 pun mesti mintak maaf n ingat families sumer tau :) I couldn't care less about raya as long as I have beloved hubby (though sometimes meny*mpah dan rasa nak lari dari rumah ;D) with me, nothing else matter. But of course if I have hubby and could celebrate raya just like in M*sia at the same time it would be a bonus! Perhaps that's gonna be 2 to 3 years to come. Well... we'll see.

*alamak pakcik (xingat nama) tgh potong rumput kat luar lor. bising laa. takut pun ye. tak suka. tapi takpe... rumput dah panjang! mekacih pakcik! jangan potong memain tau! (sebab penah sekali dia potong macam tak potong je :P). nanti cukup bulan mintak kaisya bayar lebey kay haha! ;P alamak... camner nak sidai kain ni?*

Honestly... I really don't have the mood to blog :P Not that I have interesting stories to tell pun kan? Well... I do have lotsss of stories but everything has already gone with the wind and I couldn't care less to even think to write in here. Hihihi I do sound soo lazy right now. Yup, I really am! So, that's why! :D Moreover I have soo many things to do and at this point of time everything has piled up and I feel so unsatisfied with myself. I feel so non-productive. I really have to start back whatever I have planned to do and finish up the projects I have set up one by one. What projects? Nothing important pun but just as for the sake to fulfill my desire, needs, and satisfaction; that's all. One of them is to sew all the clothes that need fixing so that they can be worn again. That is a need and is a must! Hmmm malas! Anyway, my bloghopping activity is going on as usual. I visit all other friends blog as well as all my silent readers blog too. Hmmm yeah... I rarely leave comment nowadays or even a simple Hi. Honestly haritu n skrg macam xsempat2 nak visit sumer blog. Sorryla ye. Even to a few others', I never leave any reciprocate comment yet. I maluew la ;P If not nanti kiter sama2 dah tak jadi silent readers dah la kan hohoho ;P

Throughout past R*madhan I think I only manage to shed off 1 kg more or less thus makes my weight now is about 46.5kg. Not much of losing isn't it? Perhaps it is because the fat that left in me is the stubborn fat which I have restored since before I got pregnant or might be long before that. However as an overall of course I have gotten back in shape already a few months ago. Only that I haven't achieved my target yet. Yes, I want to be kerempeng so let me be okay ;P Well, I'm gonna talk about this next time lah. Somehow I'm afraid if I have gained weight pertained to raya festival's foods. There were lots of foods although not as much as if in M*sia. I ate more than usual but kept reminding myself no to go overboard though. This is also why until now I have restricted myself not to cook various raya foods all at the same time or consequently one after another. There must be breaks in between or else all my efforts of losing weight will go down the drain. I am not gonna let that to happen :P

Owh let's see how did my raya took place. On the night before raya, I cooked chicken rendang, nasi impit, steamed glutanious rice, and prepared some salads and cucumber. Actually I was craving for lemang. Then it occured to me that suddenly it popped in my mind thus blinking the bulb in the center of my skull to improvise the way of cooking the lemang. I shouldn't really need to fire lemang on the ground using bamboo, should I? :P What was important to me was to get to serve the taste of lemang on my tastebuds, that's all. Of course the taste, shape, and texture of my 'improvised-lemang' were huge different compared to the original one. But as long as ada rupa and rasa sket2 dah la hihi ;P So... that was why the steamed glutanious rice was in the menu. I put in thick coconut milk secukup rasa, a bit of salt, a bit of water, pandan leaves for the smell and finally tadahhh! There I was savouring the taste of rendang and 'improvised-lemang' in my mouth, yummeh! Alaa yelah panggil pulut je lah! Poyo je nak panggil lemang jugak haha ;P Ke I am the one yang ketinggalan baru terpikir to make lemang this way? ;P

After having dinner on that night, hubby tried to call his family but all handphones were unanswered. Tengah bertakbir kot sumer orang. Suddenly my father called us and he and my brother insisted to talk with hubby. Hubby told my brother about me making lemang by saying, "Kak In* buat lemang! Terer takyah guna buluh pun! Jadi plak tu!". Hahaha rasa nak gelak guling2 masa ni when I heard hubby cakap semangat plak tu. Comel la Ayang ni kan! XOXO I also called them back when they already got home from my grandparents' house of my mother's side. I got to know that the whole day they were busy membakar lemang untuk makan sendiri and orang2 kampung tempah. They also masak rendang dalam kawah outside of the house as usual. Alamak teringat rendang paru. Sedapnya! :( Then, we continued watching tv. When we were about to end the night, hubby wished raya greeting to me in bed dengan penuh gedik. But I didn't entertain him because he should wished me on the tomorrow of the day itself lah kan.

On the 1st Sy*wal nothing much happened since hubby has got to work on that day. Unfortunately raya fell on weekdays this year. Hubby didn't take leave since kalau cuti pun we weren't going anywhere since we are living quite far from any mosque or surau and nothing much we could do that day. Plus hubby needs to save his annual leave balance for coming holidays in M*sia soon. I served the rendang and my so called lemang I made on the night before for hubby during breakfast and off he went to work as usual. We didn't even wish raya greeting towards each other perhaps because we didn't even remember or feel like raya at all except that we didn't need to fast anymore. Throghout the day... I just called my mom in the morning but I didn't get the chance to talk with others since they were still at the mosque. I asked for forgiveness from her, mintak halal sumer2 and mintak doakan then she suddenly started buat suara sedey. I teased her and langsung dia macam bengang hahaha! ;P Then I told her I would call again on the night because it was so cold and I wanted to continue sleeping. So much of hari raya for me kan? ;P In the afternoon till evening, I started to cook 2kg chicken rendang for the party with the trainees on that night. I also cleaned the house a bit. But when hubby got back from work he told me suddenly the party was cancelled so I just distributed the rendang to them and hubby helped them grilling the satay. He brought back the marvellous satay and peanut sauce. The trainees also sent some chicken rice and marinated fried chicken. All in all... everything was delicious and definitely it was good to taste others cooking. Even tak berapa sedap tapi masih la sedap hingga menjilat jari. How's that? ;P

After hubby was done with all the grilling and lepaking with the trainees; he got back and called his family. He also told MIL about my lemang thingy hoho! Again... hubby was being comel. Dia mesti tak paham why I say like this. In fact I don't think all of you would understand too hihi :) On 2nd Sy*wal... nothing special to tell about. I made some custard marble pudding because hubby said the trainees wanted to visit our house. But they didn't come pun sebab hubby didn't invite them hihihi :P So I told him to send the pudding to them aje. Alah rumah jauh selangkah je takyah datang pun takpe lah hohoho ;P After that, I called my family again and heard to their stories. We were YM-ing with them, talking and webcam-ing. They sent me the raya pictures and we chatted about so many things and of course nearly 80% of them were all non-sense things lah ;P On 3rd Sy*wal also nothing interesting to tell only that I baked yummiest chocolate cake (it was my 2nd time and I'm gonna stick with this recipe always) in the afternoon, ironed our clothes; and prepared for the stuffs to cook chicken rendang again. On the 4th Sy*wal just after the dawn, I started tossing everything into the wok and let the rendang to simmer and dry.

Actually, we were invited to celebrate raya with others in other parts of N*gano and their place happened to be far up north compared to us who are living far down south. Jauh ooo! Masak duduk dalam kete! They invited us last year too but we couldn't make it. Some of them are already working and some of them are still studying. There were only 1 girl but still definitely I had so much fun to be around them. There were lots of foods like laksa, nasi Turki? (I can't remember), beef rendang, mutton rendang, peanut sauce, satay, nasi impit and including the cake and chicken rendang I brought. I didn't eat much since we were busy chitchatting and taking pictures using their canggih DSLR cameras. Actually we reached there quite late at 3.00 pm and we spent time there for only about 2 hours before we decided to leave. It was already dusk in the horizon. Owh yeah everybody was donning in traditional baju raya except hubby who was wearing t-shirt, shirt and jeans. Buat rosak gambar je hihihi ;P Somehow, we went to K*ruizawa Prince Shopping Plaza, the outlet plaza. Hubby managed to grab 2 jeans and a hoody at L*vi's. We got into C*uch outlet too but I couldn't think properly since it was already nearing closing time, 8.00 pm. I hate to shop in a very limited time so I really wasn't in the mood. We also didn't take any picture with the K*ruizawa trademark background since it was already dark and I wasn't in good mood, remember? So we decided to leave since we have long journey home. Finally we reached home by 10.00 pm and feeling incredibly exhausted.

*budak2 trainees tengah bising2 in the compound in between our houses. what on earth they are doing ye? by the way, rumput dah pendek yeay! this time pakcik tu potong betul2. bagus ;)*

Regarding baju raya, my mother ordered baju kurung for me but I told her not to send the baju to me since I thought of wearing that baju during any occasion which gonna take place when I'm home soon. At the first place, I didn't think I was gonna celebrate raya in other place except home either. Fortunately I was offered with a red kebaya from a friend. I got that baju just before hari raya from her since she decided to pass the baju to me because it didn't fit her right when she tried it. Turned out the baju fit me perfectly! :D Somehow the baju has reached me much as a saviour. The best part is I looked slim in that baju kebaya on that day, yippie hahaha! ;D Or else I would have to wear my blue baju kurung without a matching shoes, tudung, and handbag and definitely I would be looking fat. So, thanks very much! :D

Here is the picture of us.

So... that was it how my raya took place. As an overall it was quite an okay one according to perantau standard. Well... although it is already a week after raya but I haven't really got the chance to eat trademark raya foods. I wish to make satay again maybe on this weekend and lontong some times later. Obviously I'm not gonna make rendang anymore since I have had enough of it. As for raya cookies, I only made 1 raya cookies since it seems like I have many other cookies sent by my mother and MIL. I'm afraid to see these varieties of cookies what more to eat them. So... I think I'm gonna postpone making other cookies much later. But if I feel rajin... maybe I'm still gonna make them since actually I plan to give some cookies to some particular people. Hmm we'll see.

Chocolate chip cookies. The only type of cookies I made and it is hubby's favorite too.

All the cookies posted all the way from M*sia. Gigih angkut ke hall nak amik gambar nyer pasal. All are delicious and sinful isk isk!

Hari raya dishes we had at home.

Pictures of some of the foods we had for iftars during past R*madhan.

Now, before I end it... previous entry was actually my first attempt trying on digital scrapbooking hihihi ;P I know it looks well... not creative at all. But not bad for a start I think, no? Now I'm hooked with doing this stuff. I'm so excited and engrossed each time doing it and couldn't complete 1 peace yet even for hours because there are soo many embellishments, fonts, papers and whatnots to choose from. In fact, I even don't know which picture and what theme to start with every time! ;P

Salam Aidil Fitri 1429 Hijrah

2008-10-01T00:26:00.007+09:00

Tagged By Mama Hasif

2008-09-26T14:12:00.001+09:00

I have been tagged by Mama H*sif like an eon ago. I think even Mama H*sif has already long forgotten that she had once tagged me hihihi ;P I love making the tags into 'pickles'. So Kak Y*ti, just prayed that I'm not going to do the same thing to your tag hahaha ;D

Before I proceed with the tag, firstly sorry for the long silence. Well... like you don't know me lah kan as usual I have to wait for the right mood and time for my blogging self. Secondly, let me say thanks to everyone especially to you peeps who left supportive comments in previous entry. Honestly I am already okay even before I wrote that particular entry. It was just the thought of the matter kept bugging my mind. So that's why finally I thought I need to let it out rather than keeping it to myself and hope someday it could be gone just by ignoring it. In fact instead of the latter, the thing had been something like jerawat kecik yang asyik dok berdenyut-denyut ready to pop. Or it could also be like anak nyamuk dok terbang-terbang around your head with the iiiiiiiiiingggggg unwelcome sound playing at the tips of your ears. Sungguh annoying! Susah ek kalau bab-bab sakit hati or jiwa kacau ni. Kadang-kadang buat rasa nak makan orang je. Eh tak. Rasa macam nak ambik penyodok and smash it right at the person's face! :P

Autumn has already setting in so the weather is becoming more lovely these days. However I noticed that since I gave birth, my body especially my feet kinda has low resistance towards cold weather. Well... this is not so comforting. I don't want to wear socks. Because I think my feet prefers to be in open air. But... it seems like I have no choice. Owh regarding the fasting month... well... everything seems like any other months too. Masak simple-simple je sekadar untuk makan berdua. Moreover nafsu nak makan masing-masing pun tak ada lah macam raksasa macam puasa masa kecik-kecik dulu. Teringin tu memang lah ada. Tapi... let the mind controls over the matter. Kiter bukan budak-budak kecik lagi ye tak? Tapi kalau pregnant masa bulan puasa macam tahun lepas... harus meroyan jugak lah huahuahua! Plus kalau ada B*zar R*madhan harus tergugat jugak nafsu ;P Yup... I was super miserable last year masa bulan puasa sebab tak dapat makan macam-macam. Pagi petang siang malam teringat pasal makannn saja! Sedih sebab homesick ke rindu parents ke sket pun takde hihihi ;P

For coming raya... we don't really prepare anything macam sambut raya kat M*sia. You know lah like pasang langsir baru, beli baju raya, beli bekas kuih cantik-cantik, beli sofa baru so on and so forth itu semua tak ada. Just like 2 previous years, this year I'm gonna make like 2 or if I go over rajin I would make 3 raya cookies. Syarat jela kot-kot ada yang nak datang rumah. Then kemas rumah pastu masak la apa-apa patut sekadar untuk makan sendiri on the 1st Syawal because hubby is gonna be working on that day hahaha! My mom and mil ada hantar kuih tapi xtaula bila sampai. As for baju raya... ada 1 baju kurung spare kot-kot nak pakai. Eh tapi ada orang nak bagi baju raya to me hehehe! Sangat soka hati! Betul ke ni nak bagi? Mekaceh ye! ;D We are planning to celebrate raya with some others at their place in other part of N*gano on the Saturday. But hopefully hubby isn't gonna have to work on that day. Kalau tak... I'm surely gonna be kuciwa big time on that day. Honestly bukanlah nak raya sangat. Saja lah nak jalan-jalan jumpa orang hilangkan boring.

Haihhh... actually I got stomach ache on 2 previous days. Probably because salah makan, makan pedas, masuk angin and tak makan nasi for already 2 days. Hubby said, "Janganla melampau sangat diet tu sampai tak makan". But that wasn't the cause. I didn't have the appetite to eat and in fact I didn't really feel hungry at the first place since last weekend. Fortunately by today I am already fully fine after taking my main meals on time since yesterday. Other thing that keep bugging me is my biological clock has been severely disturbed. I sleep when the sun rises until late noon and wide awake when comes midnight. This is so sickening since it affects everything in my daily life and I am still striving to fix my schedule. Technically, this is also the reason why I feel lazy to blog. Last night was quite a big achievement because I successfully fell asleep at the supposed time until the morning. Well... of course there was still a little bit of tossing and turning in the bed. During this morning, I didn't feel so sleepy too like the previous mornings. I should maintain this. So... I have to sleep early tonight the latest before 1.00 a.m. Anyway, hubby is already asleep plus he has to work on tomorrow, Saturday.

I'm gonna reserve my raya wishes in next entry since we are going to have 4 days more to fast. I will also include the pictures of all the foods I prepared for iftars and the cookies that I made and also that I got later hihi ;D

Lastly, let's answer the tag!

38 Questions Tag

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? Hubby darling.

2. What were you doing at 0800? Having breakfast (woops xpuasa!) ;P

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Brushing my teeth and washing my face.

4. What happened to you in 2006? Many. Among of them were attending my convocation, ending our long-distanced husband-and-wife's life after 1 and half years since our solemnization on February 12th, 2005, reuniting with hubby for the final times (perhaps), carrying out our long-postponed wedding reception and finally getting to finally start our lives together in a serene village in N*gano.

5. What was the last thing you said out loud? Ayanggg~~~ (dengan nada gedik di situ ye) and aaa~nakkk (means tak nak). Because he told me he wanted to sleep already.

6. How many beverages did you have today? Hot N*scaffe in the morning, syrup rose M*rni (apsal ada nama dia di sini? ;D) in the afternoon and evening, milk and plain water all in the betweens. So... that makes 4 of them.

7. What color is your hairbrush? White.

8.What was the last thing you paid for? That's hubby's job ;D

9. Where were you last night? Home.

10. What color is your front door? Clear semi transparent glass sliding door.

11. Where do you keep your change? Purse.

12. What’s the weather like today? Gloomy + cold + windy + wet + rainy = Lovely! ;D

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? Whichever I think is delicious at that time.

14. What excites you? Many. 1 of it is when hubby is around and he doesn't cause a fight hihihi ;P

15. Do you want to cut your hair? Yup but not soon.

16. Are you over the age of 25? Over by 8 months.

17. Do you talk a lot? Depends.

18. Do you watch the O.C.? Nope.

19. Do you know anyone named Steven? Nope.

20. Do you make up your own words? Err... nope.

21. Are you a jealous person? Depends.

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. A*nul!!!!!

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. Siapa eh? Do I have one???

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? *pinkblinkinglove*AyangUcuk*pinkblinkinglove*

25. What does the last text message you received say? It was from N*sah. She said bla bla bla (our stuffs lah) ;P

26. Do you chew on your straw? Euwww!

27. Do you have curly hair? What do you think?

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? Bed. The place where I can sniff the most addictive armpits and hear the unmelodious snores ;P Takpela ubat tido tu. Lagi bahagia dia ada daripada dia takde.

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? A few friends. Or maybe I shouldn't call them friend.

30. What was the last thing you ate? Hot from the oven chocolate chip cookies.

31. Will you get married in the future? I am already married and perhaps it lasts until hereafter, InsyaAllah.

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? Hmmm K*ngfu Panda and W*ll-E.

33. Is there anyone you like right now? I am 24/7 head over heals in love with Hubby darling ;D

34. When was the last time you did the dishes? Just now. But hubby helps alot usually after dinner!

35. Are you currently depressed? Alhamdulillah nope.

36. Did you cry today? Nope.

37. Why did you answer and post this? Because I had been tagged by Mama H*sif.

38. Tag 5 people who would do this survey. 1. Ainul 2. Murni 3. Shu 4. Cik Su 5. Anyone who wants to do the tag.

Unwinding Myself

2008-09-10T14:14:00.016+09:00

I feel like blogging today. I think I could kill some times before As*r prayer. So, I really have to make this very fast. I can't compromise my time after As*r until M*ghrib since I would be fully occupied with... stuffs... well u know it.

My mind has been wandering about my postnatal condition. I haven't updated anything regarding my health conditions except a bit indirect explanation of my mental stage right? hihihi :P Okay, that just makes me sounds 'crazy'... 'psychological' state is much better word. Anyway... as an overall I'm just like any mother out there although that I am a bit special (so I say ;P) than they are but I am getting just fine. In fact I should be more than fine I guess since I don't have to carry extra kg in my arms or having to go through sleep deprivation. But... hey I'm not saying I'm luckier or anything. I get advantages in some matters but there are also the disadvantages that I still have to swallow.

I don't feel like my usual self physically as how I was before I got pregnant. Of course! duh~~~ Anyway it is normal I think pertaining to what the body had to go through during labor. In fact I think almost all mothers faced the same basic conditions. To be truth...as for me... I feel like I'm not equally strong or healthy as I was before I got pregnant. Heck... what do I expect? It has only been 4 months! Well... it just makes me think that I'm getting old though. I'm still at my sweet 15... opsss there is additional 10 to that ;D Hmm... that's it... we are getting older each day and our body is never forever strong. But still... I'm striving to get myself to be in better shape even though I know I can't be exactly the same as how I was before... but at least I could slow down the aging-process-effects to the core! To self... think, eat, exercise and pray WELL=GOOD! Bukan telaga ye... :|

Here are some things that I want to highlight regarding my postpartum conditions...

Hair loss: So, after all it is indeed a myth, right? of, 'once your baby starts playing with his/her saliva, your hair will start to fall'. Hehe not that I believed in that before this though. It is definitely just hormones and nothing more than that!!! I hope it won't worsening so badly. I have been experiencing this for a bout more than a month already. Besides, I look after my diet more carefully like take less salt and seasonings... change my shampoo... and consume my zinc supplement. In the mean time before the problem lessen. I should just bear with it to vacuum the house and unplug the plughole frequently. Rajinnyerh bini sapa ni? ehehe ;P
Dizziness: This I don't know why. I noticed that it happens usually when I want to stand after sitting or lying down. It happens once I get my feet straight and ready to move. I would feel whirling sensation in the head... I see double vision... my heart beating fast... there is pain pounding my head... I could feel the blood rush causing my ears to feel warm... and feeling the tendency to fall before at the end I'm panting to catch and control my breath in order to slow down the giddiness. Geee... I found out that this description sounds seems like I'm having low blood pressure symptoms. However it is already lessening by now. So... maybe it is not ;P To be exact since I started taking back my dozen supplements in the basket I rarely experience this anymore. So I guess... might be this is just sign of lack of nutrients, no? Well, I just want to restore everything back whatever I have lost to the optimum.
Insomnia: Is this one of postpartum normal symptoms too? Let me check first... *browsing my pregnancy bible*. Well... not it is not! ;P I think... I just need to give my mind some chances to rest. So to self, think positives and only think of the nicest things. Avoid all resentful stuffs and annoying people. Let bygone be bygone. Take things easy and take one at a time. Just go with the flow. Most importantly always think, work and pray only for the good things to happen and let it be the best for me... and us.
Slight pain in some parts of the body: Sometimes I faced things that I went through during when I was pregnant. Only that it is just very slight this time. Probably this is also the sign of the depleted nutrients and minerals in the body. This is too getting better anyway since I take my Sh*klee supplements religiously nowadays.

*Sheeshhh tak sempat! Now sambung balik before tido.....*

Weight loss: My current weight now is about 47.3 kg when I checked just now. My pre-pregnancy weight was 48.0 kg by the way. Since R*amadhan started, I have stopped exercising and stopped following my diet regime. This is simply because I feel lazy... not having sufficient suitable time of the day and I'm worried if I would feel hungry if I just take rice once a day. Somehow I just couldn't take more than 1 cup of rice during every meal or else I would feel so bloated and nauseous. I think somehow along the way, indirectly I have just successfully trained my mind perception towards food selection and eating regime too. Thus, the number keeps decreasing even a bit slow than before but this is already more than good. HAPPY! :D Perhaps I could reach 46.0 kg or less when Sy*wal arrives soon :D Owh I can't wait! 1 tips I want to share is, drink lotsss of green tea because it increases the body metabolism and eventually helps lose weight. *woot-woot!*
BM: I still have my BM... very little left...nowadays. What I do is I keep expressing and dumping once every 2 or 3 days whenever I feel like remember doing it. I just don't want the BM to harden and thus cause problem in future lactation. Fortunately I'm relieved I never experienced engorgement pain perhaps because I was advised to take 1 very tiny hormone pill to stop the milk production as immediately as after labor. I just have to say this regarding the pill... POWERFUL! On another note... I have mastered the hand expression skill! COOL! :D My tips to share for milk production are starts stimulating e.g massaging and cleaning the nips since early pregnancy, think positively, pray religiously and eat good foods.

Hmmm... I think that's all in my list as my self note during future reference. By the way last night after about 1 hour and 45 minutes turning and tossing around in bed striving to fall asleep, I finally gave up and decided to do some blog hopping. I was hoping that I could be sleepy after the massive reading but I failed when after a while I got too engrossed with the stories I read. Actually, I came across a few moms' blogs whom are now having babies with poor health conditions. Each of them has unique different story of their own. Well... honestly it wasn't my first time for last night but only now I feel like writing my thoughts regarding this. Well... I just feel that I am so redha for what had happened to me after reading to their stories. I might not have such strength as theirs to face such obstacles in life especially when it involved someone most dear to me... in this case... my baby. Yet after a while... I also thought that they might not have such strength as I am to be loosing their dearest babies so suddenly before they even realized it that their babies have already gone.

Well... at least they still have their babies. They can feel the boundless happiness and blessings which comes along with the baby regardless whether he/she is in poor health and the baby's future seems bleak. I never had the chance to shower love to mine and succumbed into his presence in my life though. I am longed for such affection... the bonding part... with the little one. I have yet to feel such experience. Nevermind, there might be another rezeki for me... and as for the said mothers... hopefully there would see sunshine at the end of their very trying times. Perhaps in the future... very soon, InsyaAllah. Absolutely they will keep striving for the best of their loved ones no matter what it takes. Well... what choice do they have other than to redha and keep fighting until the end of the battle? Also... what choice did I have... other than to redha and accept already the fact nothing that I could do anymore? I chose to be strong because the other option wouldn't give me any good either. The sorrow was so heavy and paifnful for me to bear. I just kept fighting to survive the turmoil and I still am. I'm relieved that I'm feeling sort of survived... Alhamdulillah.

Allah knew they are the ones who fit the requirements and Allah won't test them beyond their ability. That's why they are being the chosen ones for this kind of test and not for me. It is their ordeals given by God. And... it is my ordeals that I am fated to take... Why don't they face the same thing like me? It is the same answer for this question.... They might not have the same strength as I am because they are actually stronger than me... and I might not be so strong and patient enough like them to care for a sick child whose life is at stake. This is definitely not at all a moment to judge who is amazing than who. We are all the same. As much as how I feel pity over their fate and proud with their courage... the more I feel redha and relieved with what had been planned for me. Although truly, I still envy them for having the cute little faces to look at everyday. Each and every test comes in a complete package. Allah is just. I am not the only one being tested. In fact... there are many more who are facing greater test than me in various conditions and forms perhaps because they are stronger than me. So... I should be grateful already. At the brighter side... at least my baby is already in Jannah by now, praying and waiting for us. Well, Allah knows best.

4 months is a very long period for me. I'm amazed that I actually survived it to be at this state. For I know I'm just a weak human so this is a great achievement to me. But still there is a long road for me to follow. There is one thing I feel like letting out now... I think I just can't keep it anymore. I need to give some peace to my mind. The thought of it only makes me stress and succumb to anger... To cut the story short... I'm sort of been blamed for losing my baby by some people. Though the words came to me indirectly but I got their point. I didn't know whether they actually mean it or not. But I felt very resented. A few of them are actually close people to me. So now I need to say... Did I actually want that to happen? Did I choose to be fated that way? Did I know what was coming? Was I so damn stupid to even realize what was happening in me? Was I so damn ignorant to take things for granted to actually risk my baby's life? After 38 weeks pregnant with him and having to face all the challenges and obstacles of being pregnant? NO I AM NOT. Some asked me didn't I realize the baby wasn't moving? Well... HOW COULD I KNOW there was something wrong in me if I could still feel the baby's movements? Especially when we had been feeling nothing more than FINE at the first place? In other words... of I course I did realize when the baby stopped moving so that's why I went to the hospital. Get it?

Sigh... It was happening SO FAST. I believed that no matter how hard it was the journey for the baby to see the world... but if Allah wanted him to be alive... he would definitely saved him and led us the way. Somehow... Allah wanted it to be the other way round. Who are we to go against God's will? It was fated by Allah The Almighty that my son would be gone very soon even before I realized it. I did all the things for us as best as I can throughout my pregnancy. I cared for my baby more than I cared for myself. I bear and swallowed all the pregnancy symptoms every day and night just like any other pregnant woman who loves the other life that had become part of their breathing soul. I religiously prayed to Allah for our safety during every prayer. But we human only can propose but still Allah always has the right to dispose. Be careful with whatever we are saying. Do remember we have Allah to control EVERYTHING around us. Speak with the mind and don't simply speak merely with the heart. So that we won't be so proud (takbur, angkuh, bongkak) while talking. Last but not least... again... do remember that there is ALLAH ALONE WHO GIVES LIFE AND HE ALONE BRINGS IT BACK AT A SPECIFIC TIME IN ANY WAY AS HOW HE WISHED.

I am not perfect. I am not God. So not YOU.

PS- Geee... I feel soo GOOOOOD! I should have done this earlier! :D

Happy Fasting!

2008-09-03T14:27:00.014+09:00

I'm feeling so dragged right now but I want to make an update anyway. It is raining cats and dogs outside with the loud thunder and flashes of lightning every once in a while. Should I or should I not stopped already and turn the pc off? It is scaring me. I think I better have a peek outside.

***After 1 minute***

Wow! It is snowing outside! In the middle of summer?! Hihi no it is nottt..... There is a tree beside the house which have small white flowers. The flowers just bloomed lately and the petals keep falling down the trees every time when there is wind blowing. It looks just like a sakura tree to me. Or might be it is also a type of cherry blossom? But it is summer now and cherry blossom only blooms during spring, no? Well... I really don't know what tree it is. But I think it is beautiful and fascinating. There is white petals fully scattered on the grass because of the heavy downpour and strong wind blowing right now. Despite of the gray environment I still feel very peaceful to see such view. I really should take the picture after this :)

I never realized about the tree before. Of course I knew there is tree outside beside the awning where I usually hang the clothes. But I thought it was just a common tree with green leaf. But one day I accidentally had a glanced outside through the sliding door glass from the bedroom and I was gasped with what I had just seen. I straight away said, "Ehhh salji???". I rushed to the glass then only I realized the presence of the blooming white flowers. It was windy on that day and it was indeed captivating to see the petals falling slowly just like snow onto the ground. That instantly reminded me of one type of white flower cherry blossom tree which hubby likes. He kept mentioning about to find such cherry blossom during last spring because he was boring with the usual-well-known-pinkish-sakura type.

Here are the pictures how it looks like outside...

Well... it seems like the downpour has subsided. Good. Now I can blog peacefully. Hmmm on last Tuesday, August 26th marked our 2 years 'wedding-reception anniversary'. Read it carefully... it is 'wedding-reception-anniversary' and not 'wedding-anniversary' hihi :P Yeah... as I had mentioned in the blog a few times before, our wedding reception only carried out 1 and half years after the solemnization ceremony due to we were busy with our studies... we didn't have sufficient time to run everything in a short period... we were far away from each other and also... we simply didn't want to add more headaches to what we were already having. The parents preferred to carry out the reception ceremony right away but we vetoed so that was it! Terbalik plak eh? hihi. Despite of people kept talking like... "Ehh lamanyer tangguh?"... "Ehh peliknyer?"... "Eh baik takyah kawin dulu kalau macam tu!" and so on. Pedulik apa? Bukan korang pun yang nak kawin kan? After all... we were soo glad that we have very ever supportive, understanding, sporting and open minded 'parents'... in fact we still are! Love ya 'parents'! :D Why I use apostrophes there? hihihi ;P It simply means ramai betul orang yang menyibuk bercakap masa tu. Padahal our parents tak cakap apa pun. Eloklah diorang utamakan apa yang wajib daripada benda yang remeh2 tu betul tak? By the way... we will be celebrating our 4th year wedding anniversary coming February 2009, InsyaAllah.

I reminded hubby about the wedding-reception-anniversary last weekend and the conversation we took sounded something like this...

Me: Eh Ayang... next week wedding receptionnya anniversary lah!

To which sepantas kilat he replied...

Him: Alaa tak payah la. Bukan yang tu. Ingat yang lagi satu tu je dah la. Semua nak celebrate-celebrate malas la. Banyak sangat upacara-upacara *pok pek pok pek pok pek*...!

I felt annoyed and instantly retorted back...

Me: Eee apa nih! Orang cakap je nak ingat kan. Sapa nak celebrate. Ish macam makcik! Bising je!

I laughed heartily and pinching-pinching him from behind...

Him: Sayang la... *pok pek pok pek lagi*...huh!

Kehkehkeh! So on the day itself when he was at work, I smsed him saying, "...bla bla bla happy 2nd wedding reception anniversary...bla bla bla arini abang masak...bla bla bla". To which he replied, "...hepi 2nd wedding reception anniversary to u 2 *love-lip-lap-lip-lap*... malam ni rinny masak k..*pink-smiley-with love-love eyes*..." Kehkehkeh it was funny to me. But when he got home he said I must be on cloud nine while reading to his sms. Nyampah! Anyway he hardly replied my sms except for the extraordinary occasions like this one. On the night, I made bolognese sphaghetti... mushroom soup with garlic bread... corn... salad... and mayonnaise roasted chicken. Quite special than usual but it was only a coincident. Not that we wanted to celebrate the day but I wanted to finish up some food stocks like the instant bolognese spaghetti sauce and the instant mushroom soup. Hape? We would be kebuluran lah if semua tu I wanted to masak sendiri. I just improvised the instant ones with fresh stuffs. That's all. But we did wish the anniversary before eating. Syarat je lah hihihi ;P

Anyway I'm now having infection in my right eyes. At my lower eyelid to be exact. Hubby brought me to the eye clinic on Wednesday and the doctor said my eye got inflammation. But when I brought the prescription given by the doctor to the pharmacist. He explained as if I am having a ketumbit. I'm just guessing here. Actually he mentioned that I got 'monomurai' as the name of the illness in N*hongo. Is 'monomurai' means ketumbit? Sapa tau? But I just don't think it is ketumbit lah. Because it feels and looks slightly different than the ketumbit. My eye feels very itchy and the eyelid is red inside. I think it is just inflammation in the eyes. Kena jangkitan bacteria kata doctor ye! I remembered that on Tuesday while we were ready to sleep suddenly something got into my eyes. It was dark and I just rubbed the thing out with my finger. It felt like eyelashes but I wasn't sure. So... I think I got the infection from my dirty finger or the thing that got into my eye. But the irritation has subsided, thank God! since I have been dropping the eye-drop medication that I got.

*********Updated!!!

Well, that was what I wrote on last Friday, August 22, 2008; but I didn't finish the entry hence that is why I'm putting it in today's entry. Okay maybe some of you are wondering apsal tak publish je then today buat je lah entry baru hari ni kan? Tak pun alah citer dah lepas buang jelah kan? Honestly I also don't know why but I think this is my way lah kot in producing an entry. Penat mengarang Friday's entry tu and macam biasalah kalau selagi the entry tak cukup panjang melepasi piawaian I will definitely be feeling dissatisfy and weird. Soo not me lah kalau entry tak panjang hehehe ;P But I'm trying hard actually to write shorter entry. Setakat ni belum membuahkan kejayaan.

So as of today... it is not at all raining and in fact it has been rain-free since Monday. No more flower-snow falling down to the ground. My bacteria infected eye also is getting better. I still put the medication since I can still see the very tiny red spot left in there. Anyway how was your fasting so far? Mine... well I only fasted on the 2nd day since I'm back not fasting today phbt!!! :P :P :P I really don't like this but what choice do I have? I don't want to be left with so many days I have to replace fasting. Hubby came home from work very early on the 1st day. By very early, means he reached the house even slightly before 5.00 p.m. Kecian nyer baru hari 1st puasa dah macam tu hahaha! He said that actually he didn't feel tired or hungry at all but he was feeling soo sleepy that he couldn't really do his work. As for yesterday... he came home at nearly 8.00 p.m. We only had our proper iftar after he got back. By the way imsak at the moment is around 3.55 a.m whereas Maghrib is around 6.14 p.m.

During last year I was newly pregnant with Lil' Munchkin so I was being extra-miserable for the whole 1 month over my craving towards Pasar R*madhan foods. So this year's is way much better. Although I'm trying hard to prepare delicious meals for iftar So that at least I could feel a bit similar like celebrating R*madhan at home. However the good thing was last year I could fast and perform T*rawikh Prayer complete for 30 days. Unfortunately for this year awal2 lagi dah rongak!!!!! Oops I haven't wished you guys yet, have I? So, Salam R*madhan to all of you! Please forgive me if I had done anything wrong towards any of you in any possible ways intentionally or unintentionally. Maaf yerrr sebab saya tau saya tak-jahat tapi tak-baik jugak. Tapi saya tetap chomel! <== biarlah orang nak perasan ;P Semoga R*madhan kali ni akan kiter manfaatkan dengan lebih baik dari tahun2 sebelumnya, InsyaAllah.

Hmmm I think I'm gonna make chicken curry for today. Yummeh! Before I start to cook... let's take a look at what I have cooked during past previously days. Korang kat M*sia lambat lagi bukak poser kan? Tengok2 lah ye? ;P ;P ;P

I don't know what is the name of this fruit. But I think it is the adik-beradik plum or peach kot? It was too sour for us to eat. So I made it into pickle supaya tak membazir...

Past weeks'...

2nd day iftar's...

Below is picture of my right hand fingers. I think I didn't realize that I have touched something which later have caused the skin on my fingertips to peel off. There is slightly a spot on my palm too. It feels very sore and it is hard for me to cook especially when the cooking involves chillies. In fact I am a righty so I use right hand a lot. I hope it will heal fast. I just put lotion anyway and it shows good recovery since my effort of putting some kind of oils were no to avail. <== ni pun nak citer ke?

My poor chomel finger tips ;P (well, they don't look bad enough in the picture though)...

PS- I think this is my first time ever inserting other colors in my entry ;P

I Miss The Sea Breeze

2008-08-14T14:08:00.005+09:00

Don't worry, my entry this time xde part sedih2. Sorry lar I didn't mean to make anyone sad. I just felt that I needed to express my feelings at that time, that's all. Sedey2 jugak dalam hati but we both maintain cool, gelak-gelak, gedik-gedik and happy almost all the times, yeah! :D Apa2 pun kami tetap bahagia dulu, kini dan selamanya, INSYAALLAH. Amin.

I am left all alone in the house since hubby is in Nagoya right now bringing the trainees for sightseeing. Well... it is part of his job and he is paid to do that. I could join them but hubby and myself thought that it is a bit leceh if I tagged along. Last time hubby called me in the morning when they just arrived there and they were at the amusement park near the new outlet center in Mie-ken. Sampai ke situ pegi nyer semata2 nak main roller-coaster panjang tu ;P Kalau belikan handbag baru ke takpe lah jugak kan? kehkehkeh ;P I think at this time they have made their way to the beach sebab nak mandi laut katanya. Jeles nyer!

Anyway we went to Toyama-ken on last Saturday and only came back on Sunday. It was our first time reaching there and it was so much fun I must say. First and foremost thanks a zillion to the host family consists of PG, M*rni and little Za*na-chan for their great hospitality. Nanti boleh kitorang serang lagi ye? hihi ;D Actually M*rni had been inviting us to their place for so many times since she was pregnant with Za*na-chan but we never couldn't make it because of a few reasons which kept restraining us. However Alhamdulillah we finally could make it on last weekend. I just made sausage pizza buns for us to eat during the journey and I also baked simple chocolate chips muffins for them. But despite of the good taste, my bun didn't do justice for its look. Whereas for the muffin, it wasn't soft enough as usual I made it might be because I didn't stir the batter long enough until it was really moistened.

At first we decided not to spend the night there. But once we entered the car, ready to leave the house, we were shocked to see the total number for the time needed to reach there and what more the total distance between our places! We didn't imagine it would be that far since actually technically our places are quite near to each other. Only then I realized there is a HUGE long mountain range between our prefectures so instead of following 'I' shape route as I imagined earlier which is actually non-existed at all, we had to use the only highway available and follow the 'U' shape route as shown on the car navigator. Fortunately I had packed our clothes earlier because I thought just in case we would spend the night there. We started our journey at about 8.00 a.m. M*rni did inform us about the new highway which would consume only half of the earlier total time traveled. Hubby thought that we would find the entrance to the new highway in between our journey. Not that we knew we were already on the wrong route since the beginning because the new highway is actually on the totally opposite direction hihi ;P

We traveled from the bottom part of our prefecture towards the top part, followed by entering into the left to the bottom part of Niigata-ken (the prefecture which was hit by HUGE earthquake a few months back), and then made a U turn and traveled along the high terrain facing the open sea coast before finally entering Toyama-ken phew! We reached there at about 12.40 pm right at their apatto parking area. We were served with Laksa Kel*ntan or L*ksam, tiramisu and rose syrup drink (one of the drinks I craved during pregnant before ;P) once we reached there. We filled our already grumbling tummies heartily and devoured all the delicious foods served burp! It was my 2nd time eating Laksa Kel*ntan and it was interesting to try new food :D Now I cant's stop visualizing the Laksa Kel*ntan M*rni made causing me to crave for the usual Laksa K*dah I make nyum-nyum! Well... I already made it last night! :D Owh this also reminds me to ask for the tiramisu recipe of PG's version. I have a few collection of tiramisu recipes and each has its own specific taste, that's why I like it :)

Then after prayer at about 3.30 pm we left the house and went to the beach. There were so many people there enjoying the sea water or sunbathing. The car parks also were almost occupied. We found a spot and started picnicking and barbecuing there. Apparently the host family had prepared everything and the guys started grilling all the marinated chicken, beef, squid, prawn and etc. We were also joined by other M*laysian and I managed to get to know some of them. Well... as usual it was a good feeling to be surrounded by M*laysian especially the girls after quite some times since it is really a rare occasion in our place. When the sun was about to set... then only we got ourselves into the water. It was so joyful! That was my first time enjoying J*pan sea not like hubby since he had experienced this before for a few times. It was actually an open sea so the wave was quite fierce. Fortunately the authority has put up a few breakwaters over there so it was actually safe for visitors to swim. I got to see some people surfing and it was my first time too seeing such activity alive. Well... actually I don't know how to swim so I just dipped myself all the time. The water was very salty... yeah of course duh~~~, a bit turbid and cold. Whereas for the beach was hurm quite nice actually but quite dirty too might probably because of huge number of visitors thronging the place everyday during this scorching hot summer.

After about 1 hour in the water the darkness was about to set in. So we moved out of the water and had a change. We are not sunburn since we got there when it was already late afternoon and the sun had made its way down to the west. Then after getting all the stuffs into the car, we separated from each other and made our way home. At night after prayer and resting a bit, we went out again with the host family. They brought us to a place up to the hill to see the night view of Toyama. It was e very beautiful scenery and we took some pictures. We never could enjoy this kind of scenery at night in our place since most shops stopped their businesses at 8.00 p.m except izakaya, pub, bar and the likes. Then we made way to a family restaurant and had some late dinner. We were already so sleepy to even eat so I just had a bowl of squid tempura salad, hubby had a plate of spaghetti while M*rni and PG had a glass of ice cream each. Za*na-chan had already fallen asleep on her ummi by that time. Lastly we directly went home then. After taking bath and doing whatever we should, we had a short midnight chit-chat before finally went into bedroom. I continued having some pillow talks with M*rni and finally dozed off at about 2.30 a.m because we were already knackered and it was already too late at that time. Gomen ne M*rni tak pasal2 je kena tdo lewat malam tu :D

On Sunday we woke up at about 9.00 a.m. We took our baths and I packed our bags. Murni cooked some fried noodles, hot strawberry tea and air sirap bandung for us. Sedappp M*rni masak! Memang lah kalau orang masak semua sedap kan? Kalau tuan rumah goreng telur ajer pun mesti menjilat siku kesedapan asalkan jangan diri sendiri yang masak kehkehkeh ;P Actually M*rni is 2months pregnant with her 2nd baby. Betul2 rasa menyusahkan dia je plak. Never mind... nanti datang tempat kitorg lagi... masa musim ringo gari ke kan. I will cook for you plak that time okay :D After filling up our tummies, we left the house towards the Toyama F*mily Park. It was quite fun there only that it was very hot made us drenched with sweat. The park is quite big... since it is actually consists with a zoo area, picnic park, small theme park, activity center and so on. We had fun looking at the animals. Owh yes I love zoo by the way ;P Macam budak2 ke? Eh taklah jiwa aje muda hihi ;P After walking about half of the route around the park we were already tired so we hopped onto the zoo bus and had a thorough sight-seeing around the zoo. Glad that we took the bus because it was still far for us to complete the path and reach back to the entrance. I wished we could spend more time there and actually I really wanted to try the paddle boat but we were already running out of time.

Finally it was time for us to bid goodbye to the host family. They directed us to the T*yama-nishi interchange and we separated there. Again thanks so much to the host family for their treat towards us. Siap tapaukan air sirap bandung lagi sebab I mentioned to her it is hubby's favorite drink and she even gave me some syrup rose cordial lagi. Wat malu je hihihi ;P Tapi suka! Thanks ye! ;D Well... I was rather happy to reach home fast since we were feeling already too tired. But at the same time I was really excited of finally got to reach Niigata-ken. I don't know why I was so excited to reach there. Might be because I always thought that no way I ever gonna reach Niigata since it is quite far from our place. So... I was quite jakun along the journey in Niigata. Ni belum sampai Hokkaido lagi nih. Kalau tak lagi lah pengsan terus sebab excited sangat hahaha! ;P I told hubby we should stop at the borderline between both prefectures and take picture with the Niigata signboard. But of course we couldn't stop since it was beside the highway ;P The highway was on the terrain of the mountain range which separated our prefectures. There were many highway tunnels along the seaside and we had to go through one after another. I was happy to see the blue wide open sea along the coast. I was rather sad too to be leaving such a very nice place. I love sea and I love it for the fact that I felt my mind was so peaceful as wide as the eyes could see upon the ocean. I felt as like all the burdens in my mind could finally be freed, fly away far from me and finally vanished from my view :) Along the way... I tried to snap as many pictures of the sea as I could. I also tried to snap the pictures of any signboard written Niigata on it hihihi ;P Hubby thought I was being funny and non-sense ;P

Hubby decided to follow the long route instead of the new route since we planned to stop at the cosmos garden. The place is actually situated near one of the interchange along our journey. Honestly I kept bugging him since last year to bring me to any flower farm. At first I told him I wanted to go to a sunflower park in K*nazawa. Which meant we had to follow the new highway route. However turned out the park is slightly deviated from the actual highway route and furthermore M*rni said that the sunflower was already started to fall off since its season has coming to an end. So we decided to try going to the cosmos garden. We finally got into Nagano-ken and not long after that we got into the interchange and the garden was only about 1km from there. We reached the highland and I was so excited to finally got to be in that park. The garden is actually a place for snowboarding during winter. So during other seasons the highland park is turned into garden, agriculture park, hiking center or grazing farm.

We got to know that the peak season for cosmos viewing is on coming September. I was quite disappointed since I could only see green all around me and only little non-green colors. There was flower garden which consists of many kinds of flowers grown. I don't know what are the names of the flowers but they were so magnificently beautiful. Same as the cosmos... the flowers were also still not fully grown-up and the buds weren't fully blooming yet. Because of that, we tried to find a suitable spot to snap pictures with the flowers. But I'm sure it would be much more lovely and interesting if the flowers were already fully bloomed. As usual I became the instant-infamous-public-figure and the eyes were on me obviously because I was wearing tudung. It is a very rare scene... owh yeah they should see someone wearing tudung alive rather than in TV. Grab the chance and see me people! ;P ;P ;P Some people tried waving hands to us... some tried to smile and let them noticed and some tried to approach and create a short conversation. Well... they were just being nice and friendly... so that's good actually. Since sometimes I encountered a few who obviously showed that they doesn't like foreigners too especially M*slim.

Lastly, we hurriedly took a chance riding on the gondola. The weather was quite cool and the wind was blowing softly every now and then. I even had to take same picture of us for a couple of times since the blowing wind kept making my tudung kelepet :P We enjoyed the view towards on top of the mountain and told the person in charged that we directly wanted to make way down with the gondola because we wanted to reach before dark. It was a very serene and splendid view with rows of pine trees at our left and right, the view of the town down the highland, the big lake in between the mountains, the cloudy blue grayish sky, the foggy air and the green plants view which easing to the eyes. It was so SPLENDID! :D After reaching the ground we shared a cone of blueberry soft cream and exited the place. I really wish we would go there again next time before going back for good. We continued our journey and stopped once at the R&R? (I don't know what they call it in here) to perform prayers and finally reached home at 7.15 p.m phew! :)

Owh hubby called again just now and they haven't finished enjoying all the rides at the park. They are now queing up to ride the longest roller-coaster there *shriek*! Ambik peluang la tu bini xde kat sebelah ceh :P I hate extreme rides anyway. By the way... we are going to Nagano-shi tomorrow because we want to apply for re-entry visas. Yeah we are planning to go back for holiday during the coming new year holiday. May our wish be granted, InsyaAllah. Semoga Allah murahkan rezeki, mudahkan jalan dan urusan, Amin. Nak balik! Nak makan baaanyak benda! Even list mengidam haritu pun tak habis qada' lagi kehkehkeh! ;P Anyway, on the way back tomorrow we are planning to stop by at N*sah's house in Matsumoto before heading to Suwa Lake to watch hanabi taikai. Tomorrow's night gonna be the biggest hanabi taikai there. Whereas on coming weekend I guess we are going for picnic again beside the river. But I'm stiil not sure to just go with each other or to invite R*gine and her troops to come along. So... basically that's how we are spending our natsu yasumi this time :)

Last but not least, enjoy the latest pictures of us during last picnic in here, holidaying in Toyama-ken and cosmos viewing in upper Nagano-ken :D

It Was Touching To Me

2008-08-05T14:52:00.013+09:00

On Ayang Darling

It was after the Isya' prayer on last Monday night. He recited the do'a. I Amin-ed the do'a. I kissed his hands. I stood up and took off my telekung. While folding my telekung I looked at him. He wasn't moving from the sejadah and he looked at me. Then suddenly.....

Him: Teringat la baby. Kalau tak mesti sekarang dah 3 bulan kan?

Me: Yeke... Hmm dua bulan lebih la.

Before I could continue any further.....

Him: Sedih la

I left the telekung right away. I turned and moved towards him. I knelled in front of him and looked at him in the eyes. His eyes were red and watery. I didn't know weather they were like that merely because he was really tired since it is quite a common nature of him or the eyes really got teary a bit. However I'm sure there was painful feeling bottling inside reflected from his eyes and from the way he voiced it out. I hugged him straight away. I rubbed his back and said.....

Me: Ala jangan la cedih. Sabar ek.

Silenｔ.

Him: Hehe... takde pape lah.

Before I knew it, my voice was already wobbly. I couldn't blurt any more words. I didn't know what was the right thing to say to him and at the same time applicable to me. Everything choked in my throat..... He hugged me and rubbed my back too. I continued.....

Me: Jangan la cakap macam tu. Sedih tau.

I let him off and we looked to each other eyes. Although I did try not to but the tears already welled up my eyes. Just before the tears spilled over my eyelids he pulled me back towards him and I buried my face onto his lap.

Him: Ala jangan la sedih. Sabar kay. Takpela... dia doakan kiter bahagia.......... so on and so forth.

Me: Emm.

I heard what he was saying. But they sounded like bubbles in the water. I was drowned in my emotion and I was trying hard to stabilize myself. Then I looked up to him.

Me: Abang ni orang dah selalu tahan2. Tetiba dia plak buat orang sedih.

Him: Yela sorry2.

I wiped my face. Tears still running down my cheeks. I was trying to shoo all the feelings away. I didn't want to let myself submerging into that sea of emotions again and again.

Me: Dah lah dah lah. Jom lah makan cepat.

I was still sobbing. But we tried to move our minds to anything else except that. Eventually we were back to normal. Fortunately the whole situation only took about less than 10 minutes :) Kononnya nak sabarkan orang lah. Tengok2 diri sendiri yang kena disabarkan hahaha! ;P

Honestly, hubby very rarely talked about that. In fact I am the one who just couldn't stop talking about that again and again. Until there was one time that he told me to stop mentioning anything related to that because every time I did, that would just make him sad. So since then, I started to avoid to even think about what had happened.

I know hubby as a very firm person in the heart. He is so contrast compared to me. So he looks strong and cool almost all the times. Since the day I first knew him I can say that until now he cried less than 10 times in front of me. In fact each session took him less than 2 minutes to cry, only a little tears dropped and sometimes his eyes were only appeared teary for about 1 minute. It was on that particular day that made him cried, for so many times, when he didn't care anymore that there were other people around him and I even heard him sobbed a little. Definitely because that really touched to the core of his heart which made the sturdiest man of mine crumbled and despaired. Yes he was so that sad. It made me even sadder to see him in that miserable state.

So it was very heart rendering when out of the blue he expressed his feeling to me. I then realized how much he had made things bottling inside of him that caused him to finally explode on that night. Truly, I mentioned to him about visiting the grave during this coming summer holiday earlier before the prayer. Might be that was what flashes back all the memories into his mind. It was sad to see him sad. But I was happy to see the person very dear to me was sad over the person we love and miss so much :) Well... I think it was sweet to see the fatherly side of him. Even though it was quite in a different way like most fathers do.

On New Camera

I did mention about going to picnic beside the river in my previous entry, didn't I? We woke up quite early than usual we do on that Sunday. Earlier on the night before hubby decided that we went out to buy new camera first before going to the picnic. Since we were already running out of time, hubby went out alone to purchase a camera and a few things needed for the bbq session. I waited at home and prepared whatever necessary. While at home, hubby kept calling me to inform about the cameras he saw and I checked on the models he mentioned in the internet. At first we decided to take 1 from Canon series but when at the shop he noticed 1 of the latest series from Fujifilm. I like the name Canon more but I knew I shouldn’t make the decision based on the brands only. So I browsed the net and studied hurriedly about both companies, cameras performances and weaknesses, list of top digital cameras and so on. Actually we were considering between Canon Digital IXUS 85 IS and Fujifilm FinePix 100fd. After fast thorough consideration of all aspects we decided to opt the latter since it has 12.0 mega pixels specification　rather than the first one which only has 10.0 mega pixels. The salesperson also recommended the latter since it gives more perfect picture quality in various conditions. After all, that is our first priority on choosing the camera.

I had read the user reviews and I already knew the cons side of the camera. However after configuring the camera I think the cons listed not applicable to me except for one which is it is lack of manual control. This is actually not really a problem at all since I’m just an amateur photographer. I've already tried configuring all the functions in the camera and I must say that it is a very sophisticated compact digital camera. However I will study all the functions available so that I can fully utilize the camera although I kind of very confused with all of the functions all the times :D To me, the most spectacular thing about the camera is it has infrared communication function which enabled me to transmit to and receive file from other hardware. It is fun and I really enjoy transferring the pictures from my hand phone to the camera. Now I have back 1 gadget that I love most to keep me occupied anywhere I go especially during outing and traveling :D Owh yeah hubby chose the black one since he thought it is boring to opt the common grey color. Never mind... black means elegance, right? ;P ;P ;P

Owh I'm so excited, "Listen to me, world! I finally have a new camera!!!. Mekacih ye Yang. XOXO beribu2 lemon!" :D Hehe jakun sekejap ye ;P

On Picnic

Our bbq picnic date went on very well as planned :D It was fun. Even though the thought towards my late Little Munchkin (LM) kept crossing my mind every once in a while. I thought it must be much fun if we could bring LM together and let him play with the cold water. I imagined putting him in the cute inflatable ring tube and see him paddling his hands and feet in the water hmmm :) But after a while I felt annoyed of why such thought kept bugging me hehe ;P Never mind... perhaps next year I could bring another LM together with us, InsyaAllah hohoho ;P

Anyway we brought green tea drinks, satay marinated chickens, peanut sauce, sliced cucumber, sliced onion, salt and yamame fishes? already threaded with sticks which hubby just bought from the suppa. Honestly at first I was quite reluctant to do bbq there since I thought that place would be crowded. Turned out, the river was just a small one, not like the one like in Ulu Yam which imagined. The place was quite deep in the woods and there were a few families were also having bbq there. We arrived there quite late at about 3.00 pm since we needed to charge the newly bought camera first. Hubby set up the bbq grill straight away while I organized the picnic mat and other stuffs before I sat there and looked on to hubby. He was fanning the fiery charcoal alone until he was all sweaty. It was funny to look at him like that. But then suddenly he said, "Tolong lah. Pemalas betul! Duduuuk je kat situ". I laughed at him and replied, "Yelahhh nak tolong lah ni!".

In the meanwhile of barbecuing and eating, we took the chance testing our new camera using the tripod. Obviously the outcome were wayyy better compared to if we used our old camera. So... it worth the money :D The environment was all green and shady. Once in a while the wind blowing softly that made us felt soo nice :) After grilling all the fishes and chickens we rested on the mat devouring all the foods to fill up our grumbling tummies. Hubby kept asking whether I like it or not of doing such activity together since it was actually our first time. Of course I said liked it and hope to do it again soon since the weather is still hot. Hubby said that next time we should build a camp, rested there and he wanted to take a nap there hehe. Anyway after that other visitors started to pack their things and one by one left their spots. As we finished eating... we too packed our stuffs and left them in the car.

We got into the river and surprisingly the water was quite cold despite of the very hot summer weather. The water was moving gently and there wasn't any high water fall there, yet it was so calming and nice. As usual we started to take pictures.... the thing we love to do together the most. We took the chance to use the modes available in the camera but seems like we have to practice more on using it especially the manual mode configuration part. We just played with the water and hubby just wet himself to the waist. He said earlier that he wanted to take a full dip but might be because he was feeling it wasn't fun if I didn't accompany him so he decided just to go back after that. Moreover the sun was about to set already and he also had a few things to do at home. I told him we should go there again with our friends to have simple picnic and take a dip especially during very hot coming weekends :D Kalau betul panas lah.

On National Anthem N*garaku

Last night when we both already tucked ourselves to bed and ready to sleep as usual we recited the do'a. We then wished goodnights and changed pecks to each other as part of our essentials. Then out of sudden I sang N*garaku and Sel*ngor State Anthem melodiously in a cheeky voice. I tried to continue singing the K*dah State Anthem but I forgot the lyric and melody. I just felt like doing it, so I did it. Okay, why N*garaku? It is because hubby kept bugging me since like forever to hear me sing N*garaku. I didn't want to sing it because I think that is non-sense and lame especially when people forced me to. It is annoying when he kept bugging me, "Nyanyi laaaaa nak dengar!". Surely the more he forced me to the more I didn't want to do it. Same as when he likes asking me to repeat my words simply because he loves hearing me saying it. It is spontaneous and the feeling is different if when I tried to repeat it and I just couldn't do it.

When every time I refused he kept accusing that I forgot the N*garaku. Owh COME ON lah! We sing that song since like forever. The song already pinned in the center of the head and we can't forget it even if we want to! But suddenly last night I sang it without him having to ask me first. So, I already sang my N*garaku ye Yang! Honestly, not only that. He asked me to sing Dor*emon song in a very cute way, so he said! Of course I didn't want to do it and he said I didn't obey his order as a husband and I didn't love him lah yada yada yada. He even made sour faces to me and sulked tapi jap je! Saje la tuh tetiba nak gedik! Of course I just ignored him~~~~~ :P :P :P Tak kuasa I tau! Abang sakit eh? ;P

That's all for my new updates. I’m going to put up all the pictures I've been wanting to upload soon! Hope that I'm not gonna be lazy for this. It is tedious and I hate it! But I love showing the pictures I took ;P Before I forgot... I don't think I’m gonna privatize my blog at the moment. Unless if 'kegatalan' ku to privatize the blog suddenly come and I can't resist the temptation of the idea privatizing the blog. But I think that it is just too 'leceh' since I have to log in every time I want view the blog kan? Sesapa, tolonglah halang! hehehe. Hmmm tengoklah :D

When Will It Be?

2008-08-01T13:32:00.012+09:00

***Updated- I forgot that hubby is gonna have to work tomorrow arghhhh! (boringnyerhhh). No one to accompany me golek-golek peacefully on tomorrow morning *sob-sob* :(***

Hmmm hmmm hmmm.......... I'm feeling like want to blog but I don't actually have any specific idea in mind at this moment. First of all... it is windy today even though it is sunny as usual. But I'm pretty comfortable right now. Perhaps the weather is gonna stay like this for this weekend since we have some small agendas to entertain ourselves with.

By the way I didn't join the picnic beside the river on last Monday. As usual I was being sulked with him over a tiny matter which turned huge unexpectedly. So in the morning when he woke up he didn't urge me to wake up too or ask me to get ready. I was in between whether wanted to go or not but actually I silently kept waiting for him to tell me to get up. However apparently he just said flatly, "Abang keluar" and made himself gone *poof!* at the end :P :P :P Grrrrr so I ended up continuing to sleep until the noon. By the way it was gloomy and raining in the afternoon on that day so the bbq session was slightly ruined. But I'm sure they had FUNNNNN nonetheless :P :P :P I wonder why this kind of things should happen during a very important time? duh~~~. Apparently I started it but he was the one who took it wrongly thus caused me to get mad and lastly he became angry towards me too :P Anyway I still blamed it on him for not being understanding enough :P :P :P However he brought back the satay for me during the night still and definitely I didn't turn off the offer. Mekacih Ayang mmuahhh! ;P Mmm yummeh! It tasted like satay K*jang tapi tawar sket. So... since I missed it last week, that's why we (read: he) plans to go there again this weekend but this time only the 2 of us. Owh actually we went to other waterfall earlier on Saturday since it was so hot on that day. Well... it was so refreshing and I think want to go there again this weekend :D

I have a not so good news which is nobody would care less except myself lah! I have slightly added more weight since last weekend might probably due to all the foods I gobbled down during the makan-makan session and also from the bbq. Urghhh so I'm feeling a bit tensed already. Not that I ate that much but probably might be because the foods were high of cholesterol? Owh whatever! What I have been doing is to have a cup of my favorite hot N*scaffe with less sugar and 3 pieces salted biscuits for breakfast, just take Shaklee soy protein during lunch and have meal as usual during dinner but with a smaller portion of rice. I also drink green tea, eat more fruits, don't skip my supplements and avoid sweet stuffs and junk foods as much as I can. Now I'm thinking of to start starving myself :P Besides exercising maybe I should avoid to eat as often as possible? hohoho. I know that is not healthy. But I'm soo can't be patient to get my target weight. As for now it has been like a yo-yo from 49 to 48++ and back to 49 duh~~~. It is so annoying to see the number on the weight scale and sometimes I just feel like this thing is actually playing trick on me. But well... I still have much time right? All I have to do is just to keep determined on exercising and follow balanced diet which means from today onwards I'm gonna call it starving myself. Because that is actually what I'm going to do. I am DESPERATE, that's WHY ;P

It is going to be summer holiday coming soon and we have several plans in mind. But I think most of the times we just gonna spend times visiting several places near to our home only. Since we have some major agendas to take actions in a few months to come... so we need to save some budgets for those *wink-wink* ;P I just can't wait! By the way... why owh whyyy am I feeling the time is crawling so slowwwww?! It has only been 2++ months since I __________. Okay why I want the time to fly fast is because as I said... I have many important and interesting plans to execute. No wild guess is welcomed, I warn ya! :P Besides that... I really should work on my plants this coming holiday. The flower is coming out from my cherry tomato tree and seems like the fruits are coming out soon! As for my chillie tree there are more chillies coming out and I even had plucked some of them for cooking. Anyway, I hope we can really clear all the unwanted trees, weeds, wild flowers and long grass from the front compound. Since they have been the nests for the uninvited little neighbors all these while.

Anyway my everyday is kinda occupied depends on my mood. But most of the time I'm being productive and make use the time of the day. Well... at least by exercising. I don't easily feel tired once I start working out with the gym cycle or the stepper anymore. I guess I should start adding more resistance to them or just working out using them in a longer period. Usually in the morning after sending hubby to the front door to work... I will have my breakfast and at the same time surfing the net. I would check my email... read some blogs which have been my cuppa tea since forever, browsed the news headlines and have a look on some other things. After that I will launch Quran Explorer and let it plays from the start, turn on the volume just nice enough for me to hear the recitation from the bedroom and turned the pc monitor to hibernate. Then I would lie down in the bed and start to SMS to hubby whatever all the things I want to tell him including things I want him to take notes. Most of the times..... usually I would say that I miss him soo much and I can't sleep without him. Well... that is because I really feel of it that way even though he is just going to work as normally he does. Hubby rarely reply to me and even if he did it were just very short ones. But normally he would rise the matter once he reached home... just the important ones lah. As for all the mushy-mushy ones usually I am the one who would mention about it back and ask for him to reply verbally in front of moi hehehe ;P Saya bini yang gedik saya sedar!

I hate being at home alone without him because I don't feel secure since there is no one to look after me. I bet if I have the baby with me I would definitely feel more insecure without him with us. Owh obviously I don't sound like an adult by saying this :P :P :P But actually after all I just feel that I really miss him that's all and I don't like being alone. Due to that..... he had have 1 or 2 days of his annual leaves burned simply because in that morning I held him and told him not to go to work ;P Anyway after sending SMS to hubby I would fall asleep but I rarely able to sleep soundly simply because I feel insecure. Not that I can't take care of myself but the feeling just come hence that's how I feel. I just can't help it to feel that way okay. But at least Quran Explorer recitation keeps me calmer than usual most of the time. It has been my essential since then to keep it playing non-stopped every time I'm alone at home. It gives peace in the mind and heart to me and able to cast all the non-sense and unnecessary thoughts and sadness away :) Instead of listening to it... maybe I should read it myself more than I usually do. Surely I'm gonna get lots calmer by doing the latter more.

Lately I have realized that more silent readers within N*hon are reading my blog too. I really can't stop wondering who you are? hihihi :D Some of them are people I already knew and they also knew that I know them reading my blog. I kinda like to guess who they are from the traffic shown. However there are some whom I really don't have the idea who they are. So... mind to say HI to me? :D :D :D I hope you (read: silent readers in J*pan) don't mind. You don't need to really reveal yourself if you don't want to. You can use pseudonym and just tell me where you come from that's all. But if you don't, I will totally understand ;) Owh silent readers outside J*pan are also welcome to get out from the hiding and say HELLO :D Cehhh perasan macam ada ramai je orang baca blog dia (pointing to myself) ;P ;P ;P It is just that I keep wondering that how far we are from each other and it is interesting to be able to meet even at least in the blog. Itu aje tak lebih dari itu :)

Erm..... honestly sometimes I keep thinking to privatize my blog. I don't know why but I think it is an interesting idea to try though. Gatal kan????? :D Should I or should I not? ngeeeee ;D ;D ;D

PS- Abaikan tajuk di atas :P :P :P

I'm Not So Fond Of Summer

2008-07-25T13:47:00.013+09:00

Sigh... I've just completed the 2nd paragraph of my new entry when suddenly something wrong went on with Mozilla of this pc and everything was gone! Hmmm sabar... sabar... sabar... Kiter tulis balik lagi sekali. Hopefully it is not gonna happen again since now I'm using IE plak. If not aku hempuk jugak pc ni kang. Eheh tapi pc ni xbersalah kan? :P

It is so hot today... in fact since the rest previously days. I've been waiting for rain to come and even though sometimes the weather forecast said that it might be raining for certain particular days, turned out the days were only cloudy before they turned back to sunny. Where has all the rain on earth goes to? Living in the 4 seasons country really can show the obvious effects of global warming. Enough to say that it is only July and I can't imagine how hot it is gonna be when come August. Then... later I'm gonna be able to see how confused all the plants during autumn and spring. Owh I'm not gonna talk about that any further. Tengok jelah sendiri. Kalau takleh tengok... Google jer then click. All the information is on your finger tips right away.

Anyway today's temperature is 31 degree C. That is quite good actually since it is windy too for today. There were days when the temperature shot up to 35 degree C and there were no wind perghhh! Well... the fan isn't being the amazing friend anymore when the weather is getting hotter each day. The previous home has an air-cond installed but the current home is not. We think of buying an air-cond but it is gonna be quite a troublesome. This new home is an old house so the total power supply is low compared to the new houses nowadays. So basically when I use many electrical equipments at the same time such as doing my baking project at night and when at the same time other necessary power sources were switched ON for example the lights, the main power tends to suddenly switched OFF. So, we might need to change these and that if we want to install an air-cond. Furthermore... I'm quite hesitate to spend some amount of money for an air-cond since I think we can still tolerate with the weather. What makes me more dread even more is when to think that we try to save some money for a few long term agendas but there is always something comes up which requires us to spend the money duh~~~. Well... as I said earlier... we are not that desperate yet. After all... it is gonna last for only 2 more months more and plus the air-cond will stay in this house when we move back for good later. At least the house has many windows and it is quite cool at night too... so... it is not that bad actually. So... we are gonna stick to our old friend, the fan :D

At the moment I'm still busy doing my workouts everyday in my mission of loosing some weights. I usually do my workouts during after Asar until Maghrib. Owh yeah... I finally found a stepper but just a 2nd hand one. I tried to find from the shops but couldn't find any that suitable. But I finally found the one I wanted at the 2nd hand shop which we always frequent. As usual, despite of already cheap price of the item... hubby still got great deal from there :D That's why I lurveeeee J*apan because there are many 2nd hand shops and 100 Yen shops in here. All the items in the shops are in great condition and as good as new. Most of the stuffs are in good quality too and even some of them are actually still new which were unsold from the previous shops. What more important is... I can do what I want to do with the stepper. So it doesn't matter if I got it with slight scratches here and there and was quite dusty. Despite of the price I paid, it was still more than worth it. Owh yes... a few days after that, I got a gym cycle from the same shop. This time... the gym cycle is still very new and I was so satisfied to get it at a very cheap price. So everyday... I will do an aerobic exercise especially abs crunches for a few minutes, cycling, stair-climbing using the stepper and once in a while I will do yoga. Bestlah tdo pun nyenyak je and help ease off my stress too.

As a result... I have found out that my metabolism is getting better. Dah tak semput sangat. The last time I really exercise was zaman skolah2 dulu. Dah lamaaa dah kan. Masa tu bulan puasa pun boleh terloncat2 macam monyet macam tak ingat kat padang... xreti penat ;P As for now... I think my weight has reached 49 kg which means I have 1 more kg to lose to get back my pre-pregnancy weight. Actually it is kinda confusing lah. When I woke up int the morning + sleep wear + no breakfast my weight was like 48.5 kg, when I just had my meal either lunch or dinner my weight was like 49.2 kg but when I was ready to go out which means I was clad in my outing clothes my weight might shoot up to 49.9 kg. So I think maybe I should put my target weight to 44 kg so that when I'm ready to go outing, my weight total is 45 kg heeeee! :D That's the problem when you have digital weight scale at home which have 1 decimal place. Asyik2 nak timbang berat je keje 1 hari nak dekat 20 kali kot. Kesian la penimbang tu. Nasib baik dia xleh jerit. I wonder if I have 2 decimal places digital weight scale macam Datin Syana sure aku jadi lagi haru harharhar! Ko timbang berat cmner Datin Syana? Citer sket! Anyway hopefully by the end of Ramadhan I'm gonna achieve my target weight lah, InsyaAllah. Erk sempat ke ni?

Regarding my conditions in 'that' matter... well Alhamdulillah I'm fine and getting better each day. Nowadays I no longer keep being sad and crying for non-stop or suddenly for no reason all the times. Of course I still keep thinking or remembering about him once in a while. Tapi macam angin lalu je lah sedihnya. Even if I do think really hard pun I'm no more deeply disturbed. How can lah if I don't want to think about him at all kan. Bleh ke??? Mana boleh lah! It is just the same of remembering your parents and keep missing them most of the time. Macam tu lah. Basically I can say that I've stopped mourning over my loss. What I do everyday is I keep remembering him in my prayers day and night. Remembering all the moments we had together once even though it was short. I started to reminiscing the memories we had together in a happy way. Well it is kinda therapy for me actually. Orang kata jangan dikenang2. But come to think of it mana boleh xingat langsung xreti lah macam mana. Apatah lagi it is my son lah I'm talking about. Normal lah ingat anak sendiri. Until the end of time pun I'll never can stop thinking about him even if I want to.

Some people thought that it is hurting me to talk about anything related to him. Honestly... I don't mind at all. In fact I'm happy to talk about my son (ada ke mak yang tak suka cakap pasal anak sendiri?...) even though the stories I have might be different than most others. I don't mind for people to ask or anything as long as they don't ask or talk rubbish lah. It isn't a problem for me but somehow what I hate most were when some people trying to act there was nothing at all that really happened and try to make me laugh. Padahal dia tau yang kiter tau dia tau. At least cakaplah takziah ke or sabar lah ke then baru lah buat lawak. Ini tak terus2 buat lawak yang tak lawak padahal dia tau kiter tengah berdokacitah. Malah lawak dia tu pun memang lawak yang tak sama macam selalu dan kiter tau apa tujuan dia buat macam tu. To me... that's not the way to show how you were concerned towards me... Lebih baik senyap je buat2 mcm xtau n then tahun depan baru tegur balik sambil buat lawak. Macam mana ye nak citer? Sama macam tak kena masa dan tempat lah. Kalau adik kiter batuk mestilah kiter bagi ubat batuk kan bukannya bagi ubat sakit mata. So macam tu lah. Takpela... I aprreciate the efforts anyway. Orang lain bukannya boleh baca apa ada dalam kepala kiter ni kan. Hishhh apa sensitif2 nih! (marah diri sendiri n salahkan diri sendiri :P...). Owh jangan risau orang tu memang tak wujud dalam blogosphere ni.

Well.. enough about that... anyway... don't be afraid lah. I don't get sensitive so easily and in fact I've told some people every single detail of the story. I'm not in that delicate state anymore... at least even if I still do... I'm trying to believe that I'm strong. Takde keje la aku nak sedey2 sampai tahun gajah. I happy aper anak I dah selamat berbahagia kat 'sana' :D But this doesn't mean I'm giving green light to anyone to sesuka hati bercakap pasal tu with me. Just wait for my special entry. I'm gonna tell each and every single thing that happened in it. Not that my intention for doing it is to tell others but more towards for my own rememberance because I don't want to forget every single detail of it ;) But when I'm gonna do it?... I still don't know. I need some time for that because it is important for me. Owh yes... I've closed his blog since I don't have anything to write in that blog anymore. I also have transferred those entries into this blog. I think I'm gonna combine all in this blog if I get pregnant again later. This is easier since I don't have to maintain 2 blogs at the same time. After all... sometimes the stories are quite the same and related to each other.

It is gonna be weekend tomorrow owh seronoknyerh! I love it when hubby is around even if when we have declared war between each other. Fortunately we rarely fight these days perhaps he is being more understanding more than he was?... I be more tolerable with him?... He is being more caring and loving towards me?... I be less a nagger towards him?... He got the shocked of his life after having to witness everything happened all around us especially towards me?... I be kinder towards him?... Or it is simply because there is the little angel over 'there' who keeps praying for our happiness always? hihihi... :D Mana2 jelah. All are true. This is good actually... a blessing in disguise I must say. 1 of the among many blessings we are receiving. Tapi gaduh2 pun best. I like the aftermath part ;P Owh by the way... on Sunday I'm gonna welcome new guests for a makan-makan session at our house. They are husband and wife who are just settled down in a town near Matsumoto which is a town that is quite near to ours. I'm so glad and can't wait to meet them! Whereas on Monday there will be bbq picnic at the river near here. If I'm not mistaken the trainees and including hubby are gonna make satay on that day. Sedapnyerh! Well... hopefully jadilah diorg buat. Kalau xsedap pun aku telan jugak asalkan xpayah susah2 sndiri yang buat harharhar! Yup his company will be having holiday on Monday. As usual... they are not having holiday according to the calendar as most others do. Sebab tu lah susah nak jumpa2 orang lain kat tempat lain hurmmm.......... Tapi sekarang panas sangatlah. Tak best nak jalan2 pun. Owh we went to see hanabi down the hill we live on last Saturday but this year's hanabi boring lah. Last year's was better.

Last but not least... before I forgot... hihihi :) about hubby's reactions upon reading previous entry. Truly, I asked him to read it right before sleep on Monday night because I couldn't wait anymore longer for him to stumble upon the entry himself. He was being busy with his stuffs during the weekend and the pc needed to be reformat and so on. Actually at that time he was already lying on the bed but he came to the pc when I coaxed him. As usual he was annoyed and started to complain to me. He thought that I forced him to really give a feedback towards that entry hohoho ;P Anyway he was smiling and buat muka gedik all the time huahuahua! But I know he was touched by reading that entry and dia suka sebenarnya kannn??? ;P Then right before sleep I wished him again happy birthday ;D Sesuka hati je bebila nak wish n bape kali nak wish.

Wah nampak gayanya kiter kena sambung honeymoon berdua balik lah kan Ayang kan? Perhaps for one more year ajelah lagi kot ;P

Happy Birthday To Ayang Darling smooch-smooch

2008-07-09T16:25:00.006+09:00

I MUST update the blog by today! If not I don't know until when I'm going to continue procrastinating on updating the blog. As the title says it, last 2 weeks was my hubby's 25th birthday... so that also tells why I set the entry's date on his birth date July 9th, 2008 even though today is already July 17th, 2008.

Dear Ayang,

Happy 25th birthday to you. Even though I've wished you on your birthday but I think I owe you an entry in this blog for your big day. I kept procrastinating because I didn't think I was prepared yet to write this entry. I need to do this properly. So... I'm sorry for the delay. Not that you care anyway but this is important to me since I have so much to say.

As I told you... when the time you were still fresh out from the oven I was already about 6 months old. I already could crawl and my teeth might start to appear too. I would have bite and bully you at that time if I were there with you. At that time you never can be mad at me if I do anything towards you huahuahua! ;P Honestly I don't know why I have this kind of thinking... but I think it is interesting anyway.

I hope you like the cake I baked for you and I knew you did. I think that cake was much delicious compared to previous cake I made for you last year even though you think otherwise. Truly, my plan was to make a little hand print on your cake and wrote something sound like this... 'Happy 25th Birthday Papa Darling... from _ _ _ _ (you-know-who)'. But unfortunately turned out it couldn't happen that way... yet. But it was still okay... at least I could still make a cake for you this year. If there was an additional little member around at that time... I might have just need to ask you to order or buy a cake from the bakery by yourself simply because I couldn't although I desperately wanted to make one for you. Never mind... perhaps... who knows next year I could realize this tiny dream of mine... InsyAllah :)

Ayang Darling... thank you so much for being the greatest husband from God to me, Alhamdulillah. Thank you for being with me during the times I need you most. Thank you for always never let go my hands and being my inspiration to move on. Thank you for sharing tears with me and always lend your shoulders for me to cry on. Thank you for putting me in the comfort of your arms when I am sad or can't sleep at night. Thank you for sharing with me your strengths when I am at my world's end. Thank you for whispering surety words to comfort me when I am scared of the thought that I'm gonna lose you. Thank you even as much as the uncountable stars in the sky for being the most amazing dad for our son even though it was for a short time. For I knew you too were striving to be the greatest dad for him too. If only he could... I'm sure he would present you with hugs and kisses and tell how proud he was for having a dad like you.

Again... happy 25th birthday to you, Ayang. Semoga Allah melimpahkan lebih rahmat dan petunjuk hingga ke akhir hayat. Semoga Allah mengurniakan kesihatan dan umur yang panjang agar dapat terus beribadat kepada-Nya. Semoga Allah sentiasa mengurniakan ketabahan dan kesabaran dalam menempuhi dugaan dari-Nya. Semoga Allah tingkatkan iman, memurahkan rezeki, mengurniakan kebahagiaan dan memberikan kejayaan dalam apa jua perkara yang dilakukan. Semoga Allah menjadikan kita umat yang sentiasa bersyukur dengan nikmat-nikmat yang diberikan. Semoga Allah permudahkan jalan dan segala urusan yang dilakukan. Last but not least... I pray to Allah for our loves to always grow until forever. Congratulations for actually you are already a Papa... and I pray that someday Allah will grant our wish and there will be the next one who can really call you by that name. Amin.

Also again... thank you so very much. As my appreciation towards you... I want to present you the most precious gift a wife could give... that are MYSELF and lots of I-LOVE-YOUs :D

I-Love-You-Ucuk X infinity = I Love You So Much, Ucuk! XOXO ;P

Your lovingly,
Rinny

Ayang yang sukaaa sangat baca blog orang (sibuk je!)... I want you to response for this entry in the comment box yerr hihihi! Please... I don't want to hear and I don't want to see any bersungut-sungut sesungut or any jelingan-jelingan ke apa ke tau... As I said many times before... make your comment into words ;P

So, that's all for today. I have many other things to update actually but I'm gonna write them in next entry. Tapi rasa nyampah plak sebab font ni asyik jadi macam hape je. Furthermore I'm having this BRAIN-MELTING currently due to the so hot weather. Ya Allah! Panas la sungguh. Malas nak wat pape... asyik rasa nak melepek je. Owh tableh-tableh... kena exercise! Toodles!

Cobwebs Everywhere!

2008-06-30T14:05:00.015+09:00

No... not in this blog but inside and outside the house! Grrrrr! Let's get back to this later.

Well... it is finally sunny today and quite hot too. However fortunately it is quite windy so I'm quite comfortable with the weather today. Berapa banyak 'quite' lah? It was rainy for the past few days and yesterday was the wettest. I love gloomy, rainy, cold and saaad looking day because that really suits the conditions I am in now har har har! No, I'm just kidding. I simply like rainy day since forever except that it is bothersome when I couldn't do the laundry or go outing. I hate it when I got all drenched (who doesn't anyway?...) yesterday when we went out to buy groceries. Anyway my weekend was kinda boooring duh~~~. I planned it that we went to Toyama and Nagaoka for the past weekend but hubby thought it would be too tiring for him to drive for long hours on Friday night after working during the day. Plus he got a few things to settle with so we had to cancel the plan. Though actually I'm quite disappointed or else I could meet some friends and even make new ones. Never mind... there will always be next time.

Turned out... hubby went to help do some wiring at his friend's house on Friday night then continued configuring on 2 new laptops because he needed to change the settings especially from Japanese to English and the operating system. The laptops are white color S*ny Vaio and white color T*shiba which I forgot what model. There are so cool I tell ya and of course there are ours, NOT! :P Well... there are trainees'. They bought for their own since they are going back to M*laysia soon. So as usual want it or not hubby is still gonna have to be their savior... and I'm the one who is suffering from negligence! :P Hubby had settled with 1 S*ny Vaio last week and the T*shiba yesterday. So now he has another 1 S*ny Vaio to work on left. I just hope he can finish with it fast because the laptops got his attention more than I do since for the past 2 weeks! Anyway... I'm not affected with the laptops might be because I once had my own for years... (ceh ayat belagak giles :P) before I gave it to my mom and furthermore not that I'm desperately needing one now. By the way we thought the T*shiba one is much cooler than the S*ny Vaio in terms of various aspects. Rupanya tak lah best sangat2 S*ny Vaio tu... Our own opinions aje kay no offense please.

I still haven't got the chance to do the 'real' gardening activities since my handsome 'gardener'... (kena la bodek sket ;P...) is soo occupied with so many things. I'm not really gonna plant the veges myself in fact I'm just gonna be the 'mandur' who is gonna give orders since I'm scared of the worm from earth. Yes... even the sights of the wiggling earth-worms and the not-earth-worms too will always make me quivers. The tiniest types of worms are much more scarier to me because they could get into the body. You see... the soil around the house is very fertile. It is brown to black in color and in fact the neighborhood is full with orchards everywhere. So this also means there are so many worms around. Last 2 weeks when I was hanging the clothes outside, I saw there was a long black fat earth-worm glided from the underground. I kept looking at it while doing my work since I feared it would come near to me. After a while... the worm reached the dried-soil area which exposed to the sun and suddenly the worm wiggling and jumping (yes it really was!) as if it got the shock of his life! I though might be he got depressed with the hot weather and just decided to perform suicide :P So I finished my work fast and got inside before I would be fainted just by having to look at the very eerie looking creature.

Anyway... I just hope my plants won't die. My mom had helped planted cherry tomatoes and I had bought a chilly plant. I need to relocate them onto the ground before they get too big. My mom had planted curry tree too. But I don't know... I just hope there will be chance left for it to live. I have bought a few tools for gardening and I'm proud to say they are still clean and shiny till today ;P I told ya I'm waiting for my 'gardener' to be available. Sigh... it is a waste of source! I really want to use the fertile soil all around the house but I'm just too scared with the all little creatures and the not-so-little-creatures which could sting and bite erk!!! Furthermore the soil doesn't look interesting and clean like the beach sand you know... so I'm just scared of feeling dirty ewww! (wahhh gediksnyer menyampah! :P). Never mind... slowly there will surely be lovely plants around the house soon. I'm amazed with the locals because they make use every little space available around them by growing vegetables or simply flowers. In fact I believe I can see this kind of sights all around the country. I want to take this chance too... and by that... I have started learning about gardening. Hmmm... I'm sucks at this. By the way I want to try to plant some roses and lavender when the right season comes later weeeee! *grin* :D

I'm feeling so full just now. Owh my weight have reached 50 kg *clap-clap'! so that means I have 2 kg to lose to achieve pre-pregnancy weight and 5 kg to lose to achieve my target-weight. I've just had my lunch of prawn noodle which I used spaghetti as substitution for the noodle. Not bad I must say. Plus if I'm not mistaken spaghetti contains less calories than noodle. Hubby said it was delicious even though the prawn wasn't really enough. It is my first time making it and I'm sure gonna make it again later. The recipe is definitely a keeper! Urgh I'm sorry I can't put up picture like usual I did since our camera is already broken down even though the camera isn't at all that old yet. There is something wrong with the screen and might be we just have to buy new one (when?????). There will be no way I'm gonna buy any S*ny camera anymore phbt :P! My life is sucks without a camera and a baby ;P We have two camera phones and a digicam but I'm not so keen to take pictures using those things. I wish to show progress pictures of my plants too. Perhaps hubby will consider to buy new camera soon, amin. Apa? U nak beli kamera baru untuk I? Buat susah2 je. Thanks ye Yang :D huahuahua!

By the way... people still keep asking whether I'm okay or not. Well... guys I really appreciate the concerns towards me :) I'm fine... most of the times, Alhamdulillah. Of course I tend to be a bit 'jiwa-kacau' sometimes but I think that's normal. Don't worry I'm not gonna bother anyone with my sighs and woes except to 'you-know-who-you-are' hehehe ;P Thanks to 'you-know-who-you-are' for being so faithful to always attend to me and being patient with me whenever I am in the time of needing. Although you might be busy with your own stuffs during your critical limited times to chase dateline and having to deal with your own problems but you would always still be considerate for me. I approached you all in a sudden, spilled out to you whatsoever I wanted to say and right before you managed to say anything about yourself; I was already out since I already got what I wanted from you. That sounds how selfish of me towards you right? Well, I'm so sorry... I just couldn't help myself and of course you knew why. Anyway... just so you know... I owe you a lot and I'm really thankful for that mmuahhh! :)

To others too... well I never believe that I am strong. But might be from the prayers of you guys, I must say that I do feel like I have strengths inside of me and that's why I manage to be strong and move on. This is great you know. Sometimes I just wonder how come I could cope with all these happening around me. What a miracle. Might be I should be proud with myself... NOT AT ALL! :P Obviously it is all from you people... who keeps praying for us and supporting us from behind. Thank you so much... really :) Of course I'm not yet getting over with it. Hey I believe there is no such thing as 'getting over with it completely'. That can never happen. The pain will never vanish completely. There will be birthdays for the coming years and the small special occasion would be enough to rekindle back over what had happened. That definitely will rush back all the feelings towards us and of course we gonna miss him as always. This is the simplest example I could give. Somehow... I never think this is actually the horrible or worst memory in my life... but it is actually the sweetest... the happiest... but yet the saddest too :) Although it is deeply painful for me but when I think back... I should realize there are so many blessings in disguise behind this. It is all about 'my time' or 'my turn'. It is a common thing... people live... and pass away. Apparently my son has completed his cycle. There are many others whom are much more unfortunate than me right? So... I am grateful... and I should accept the fate with open heart :) I'm still trying.

On other point, I'm planning to buy a mini-stepper to help me burn calories fast and then achieve my target-weight. What do you guys think? Does anyone has a stepper at home? Can you share with me how efficient is a stepper to help you lose weight? We went out to buy one yesterday but there weren't any we could find. How unbelievable duh! I have tried workouts and keep on doing it until now. The workouts are more on crunches types and majority of them based on yoga. I even watched yoga video and tried to follow it. But unfortunately I think yoga is kinda slow for me. I am so not a person with high level of patience so I got bored fast. I kept counting the time and thinking when it was going to finish haih~~~ I can't imagine if I try Tai-Chi. That's gonna be much worse for me. But of course I know yoga is good really. Only that I don't have that kind of patience with me. Or may be I should just bear with it and learn to be a more patient person at the same time. Yeah right! ;P I'm just sooo eager to lose weight owh I can't wait! I really want a mini-stepper! Or a treadmill kan Ayang? ;P

I think I better stop now. I need to vacuum the house and also all the cobwebs at every here and there. I really don't understand why there are soo many spiders in the house and outside the house. Exception for the ones outside the house since I also understand that it is summer now so they are everywhere making their own private kingdoms in the bushes and flower beds in front of the house. But the ones inside the house are so annoying and scary too! They are crawling everywhere. Most of them are black in colors and some of them have colors. I'm afraid if they really bite or have poison that can be very dangerous. There were a few times we encountered the big ones hanging on the wall. Of course I definitely will force my charming 'warrior' to battle with the hideous creature. Sometimes I accidentally crashed into the cobwebs with my hands, body and head too! That is so irritating and terrifying! At least why can't they build their home at a more strategic places where we human definitely won't go pass there? Does anyone have tips on how to overcome this? Once I cleared them up... there would be a new ones on the next day. In the meantime, the vacuum will be an excellent help. Maybe it is not that efficient to get rid all the spiders and cobwebs off. But at least I can just suck the spider egg-sac with the vacuum-mouth. Urgh I wonder how many little-spiders can be in one sac...

Anyway... is it really a sin to kill a spider? I've heard about this somewhere. So we just either sucked them using vacuum or caught and threw them outside every time we found one.

It Has Been A While...

2008-06-16T14:16:00.013+09:00

I'm back. I'm fine and I'm getting better from day to day. In other words, my sanity is coming back to normal, Alhamdulillah. I have been like a bitter fierce sea waves during typhoon or roller-coaster riding on deadly 360 degrees loops high in the air for the past 1 month. However it seems like now the wave is becoming calmer and the roller-coaster also is already slowing down before it reaches its' stop. It was so difficult for the past days... really. After all that was the most PRICELESS experience in my life which I will never can forget. But I knew I have no choice at all other than to keep myself to be strong from time to time. It is indeed not easy at all to even think about strength but I keep crawling back to my knees every time after I fall down. Because of my vulnerability, I avoided myself from the Internet, PC and everyone mainly because I didn't want to get hurt or sad. I did many things as for the preparation welcoming our son last time so being in front of the PC reminded me towards my baby. I couldn't even look at any other baby's picture too. Not to forget even some people tried to cheer me up without hurting me but they did hurt me eventually without realizing it. I knew... it's not their fault anyway.

Again, thanks so much to you people for all the encouragements and sympathies. I am just so touched for all the warm and kind words. Though those are only words... but at least we are able to find some strengths in there to help us move on. By writing previous post... I can say that was the most meaningful post to me since I wrote it as like I'm listening to my heart talking. Unintentionally, I attracted more new readers too. Honestly, I didn't mean at all to attract sympathy, I didn't mean at all to attract publicity, I didn't mean at all to make you feel sorry for us, I didn't mean at all to make you sad and cry, I didn't mean at all to show how strong and patient we are in fact I never believe that I am a strong person and I didn't mean at all to be proud to be the chosen ones; but what I meant was only to fully expressed my emotions over what had been happening... that's all. My heart was shattered into million pieces at that time and I am now still collecting those pieces to be attached.

Today marks 1 month and 2 days since I gave birth. This also means that I'm still in my confinement period if I'm following the traditional 40 days of Malay confinement period. But to be truth, I don't really keep myself confined. I already eaten KFC burgers and chickens and McD's burgers which my mother brought all the way from Malaysia on my 4th day after giving birth. I followed the confinement processes like berurut, makan jamu. berparam, berpilis and so on until the 2nd week of confinement. Until now I also avoid some foods because I felt sick after eating them. My mother had just gone back to Malaysia on past Saturday after staying a month in here... leaving the 2 of us to continue recuperating by ourselves. Then today I've just attended my final post-natal check-up at the hospital. Everything is fine with me and I can continue my daily activities as usual. I'm just relieved that I won't be visiting the hospital anymore in time to come. It breaks my heart just to even think about hospital because I just can't stopped all the past memories from keep rewinding in my mind. How weird... before I was in labor, visits to the hospital would always be exciting... sigh...

By this week also we are officially beginning our new lives. We were hoping our lives would just be continued into the next level, yet we are back to the start once again... in a new home, with a new environment, with new perspectives and with new plans waiting ahead. Again, it isn't that easy at all... since we were already imagining how our lives were supposed-to-be like for more than a year before. We thought this time we already could realize our dreams and do all the things we really wished to do. Turned out it is going to be the other way round which we never think of. So, we are still trying to accept and slowly adjusting and adapting within the new conditions. The house had been topsy-turvy for the past one month. So yesterday after overall cleaning in the house, we sat down in the hall together to rest. Suddenly silence crept between us leaving only the sounds of rustling leaves and grass, the chirping of the birds, the roars of moving cars once a while and the waving curtain being blown by the lovely wind slapping the sliding door. That time on we came to realize how lonely we are residing in the spacious house... only the 2 of us. Hubby said it out clear and I replied in agreement. Most probably it might be because earlier, our main intention to move into the new home was because we thought there would be a new little family member in the house. Never we knew that 'Abid was going to stay for only 1 night with us. So now when he is gone this is how we feel. I don't think we are going to feel this way if we didn't expect to extend the family member at the first place. I told this to hubby... and he agreed with me too.

Honestly until now I still feel surreal over what had happened. It is like in a dream. Good dream or bad dream? I don't know. In fact I believe I'm going to be feeling this way for the rest of my life. Actually there are mixed of emotion all at once every time my mind flashes back to the day. It was indeed the most saddest day in my life but still... it was the most happiest day in my life because we finally have a child! We took quite a long time on family planning before finally decided ready to conceive. Only that Allah decided to take back my son so soon and he is now living in other world near to the Creator. You know, I've already imagined bathing him in the tub, myself breastfeeding him, hubby coming back home from work and anxiously searching for his son, to bring him play outside in the lawn and so much else. When it was confirmed 'Abid was already gone, I was admitted straight away. I was induced on the same night and gave birth on the tomorrow's morning. I was sad upon receiving the news but I was still feeling okay... might be I thought I could accept it. Although honestly at that time I felt as like half of my strength and life has already gone. I only thought about to save my own self and get over with whatever we should.

Not that I realized the reality was going to hit me very hard only right after that... It was when I first laid my eyes upon the most beautiful thing which I embraced when he was put on my chest. He was silent of course and his body was lying lifelessly on me... no wail to hear from the cute juicy red mouth, no kick and no push towards me from the small little fingers and feet, no grab from the tiny fair hands... NOTHING! That was the time when I only saw my life was devastating in front of me. I was the one who started to wail... I cried... I sobbed... non-stopped... until I fell into sleep during the night. I felt my heart was crushed even more when every time I looked at him. Only at that time I really understood the chemistry bond between a mother and a child. No matter how cute other people's child might be I would still see my child much more cuter than other's. The more I looked at him the more I able to remember his face. In fact the more I look at him the more I felt he was cuter from the last time I saw him, the more I felt love towards him, the more I missed him, the more I wanted to hug him but I couldn't and in fact... the more I couldn't accept the fate and what more to let him go. It was so painful indeed when someone so dear was being so closed to you... yet you couldn't get him because he was still soo far away...

However, I am more stable now. I was praying that hubby could settle 'Abid fast because I couldn't hold on to look at the face of our precious. That would just make it harder for me to let him go. Alhamdulillah everything was settled in a very smooth way. Although we couldn't treat him like the normal ways most parents do... but still we have on-going responsibilities towards him. Which is most importantly to keep praying for him every day and night especially after the 5 times prayers. Then... to visit his grave... to clean up his grave... to order tombstone for the grave and so the like. In fact we feel so satisfied that we able to manage the jenazah of our own son by ourselves. Of course it was kinda sad when to think back there were no one else around when we were in really desperate situation... when I myself was very weak... when we both were very new about all those things. We had no choice... with the condition we were in... we had to do all by ourselves... only the 2 of us. Now I'm glad we did it and we couldn't believe it that we actually could do it. Alhamdulillah Allah provided us helps from every possible way and especially by presenting wonderful people who became our saviors instantly. We did it with full of affections and care. That was the best that we could do and we hope that Allah accept it, InsyaAllah. If that was happening in Malaysia, I'm sure we would just pass to the experts to manage the jenazah which I'm sure I would regret over it later.

Definitely it is a lie if I say we are not THAT sad. I know some people gone through greater obstacles compared to us. Some people said that I should not be so sad because after all 'Abid had been with us for 38 weeks and 1 day and he only spent 3 days with us in the world and even during the 3 days he actually was already gone. How could you think that way? It is a lost nonetheless no matter how old he was and how long time he had spent with us. He is our first child. He has the flesh of our flesh and the blood of our blood. Although I don't have much memory with him but we have already thought about what we are going to do if he is around. It hurts me to look at the babies every time we went out, to look at the stroller which I had been wishing to buy, to come across shops which we went to buy the baby stuffs and oh... I don't have to look far out of the house. There are loads of baby stuffs inside the house... the baby cot which was only loaded with cot stuffs, the new cute rompers which never been wore yet, the bouncer which I bought only 2 days before we got the shocking news, the swaddling blanket which been bought only the day before I was admitted into the hospital and so much more. I have everything that a baby might need, the knowledge to raise a child which I gathered months before, and was so ready to welcome 'Abid home. Not that we knew, we have to welcome him in a way we never thought of which required us to have knowledge which we didn't think was going to be necessary.

In everything I do I always remember him. In fact how could I forget him? He is my son and I will always be remembering him. Only that he is now in a place so far away that's all. Every corner and every thing in the house has significant memory towards him. When I cook in the kitchen I remember him kicking my tummy when I laid the tummy against the counter, when I sleep I remember him getting up so early in the morning and was so active too, when I look at his clothes I thought it must be very cute if he wears it, when the summer is finally arrived it reminds me of the kind of hat which I wanted to buy for him so that he won't get hot, when I look at the breast pump set it reminds me how I was searching high and low for the set before I finally found it, I also imagining him getting fat with the breast milk I give... which actually since then I only manage to express and dump until today and... the list goes on. Well... I don't actually want to get carried away with the emotions. Some people said to me to ignore them. But I think I should just go with the flow, feel what I need to feel, and pour my heart out over what I want to. It is a part of the healing process don't you think? Once I'm done with it, I will surely keep going on. Surely the path is sloppy here and there along the way. But at least I manage to move on... even slowly... that's already alright, isn't it?

In the past 1 month too so many things took place. My mother came and her presence was really being a very great help towards us. I missed her already during her last week stays in here. She cooked so many things I wanted to eat. So now I am rejuvenated back and I hope I could hold on for at least half a year before feeling boring again in the matter of foods. Hubby brought us to Shiga, Kyoto and Osaka too and we did have a great time except in Osaka. We enjoyed the time at Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan in the morning but after that we had a hard time searching for places to eat. When we finally found one... it happened that the owner got me on my nerve and I had a fight with him across the table har har har!!! I was satisfied that I managed to shut him off. I believed I won even though he didn't apologize but he tried to be nice to us but then I replied annoyingly to him phbbbt :P! But then my mom and hubby criticized me duh~~~! But still I stood back for myself. I just think they shouldn't be so soft always in fact sometimes we should just teach people who thought they are good enough but actually they are NOTTT! On the final day when we went to Kyoto we managed to take picture with a MAIKO with the Kinkakuji Temple in the background arghhhhh! Isn't that great or what??? Might be I'm gonna blog about this some times later... or I might be not... ;P It was a great escapade to give peace to our minds after what we had gone through lately. Anyway... you might see us laughing... but in the hearts we might be crying... who knows right?... :)

Since this is the 1st week of the beginning of our new lives... I'm still reorganizing my schedule. I'm still trying to tune my mind towards current conditions and how to live up my daily life. I have a few things in mind that I really need to do such as to clean and organize our house compound, clean every doors and windows which have yet to be done since we moved in, do more beneficial reading and study more about STILLBIRTH, try new recipes, plant some flowers and vegetables and so on including the most important thing that is to exercise in order to keep fit and get my body weight target that is 45 kg. Now I have like 6 kg more to lose. Actually I was 48 kg before I got pregnant but this time I want to lose more before I get pregnant again. Ermmm yeah I wish to get pregnant as soon as possible when the right time has come especially when I am already fully healed physically and emotionally, InsyaAllah.

I pray that Allah gonna give us chance to raise a child next time and for us to present a baby brother or sister to 'Abid darling, InsyAllah. It worths it all the pain during pregnancy and labor if that was how it felt to be holding your own child you had been carrying in you for the past 9 months and 10 days. The feeling was so incredibly amazing... except of course it wasn't that amazing if he was gone. Sigh... I miss my son so much and it just makes me sad every time. Somehow in order to ease my pain I just keep thinking that at least I should be grateful and relieved that he is gone in the very best way... he wasn't abducted, he wasn't killed, he didn't need to suffer any sickness and so on any other way which I believed would surely break my heart even more if it happened to my son. Even if he is alive I will never know when he will be taken away from me and in what way. Want it or not someday he will still be gone. Although sometimes Allah works thing in a way we never can understand but definitely I knew only Allah knows what is best. So Allah did what is best for him and us. I must accept this... and I must be strong..., InsyaAllah.

Allah tasketh not a soul beyond its scope. For it (is only) that which it hath earned, and against it (only) that which it hath deserved. Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget, or miss the mark! Our Lord! Lay not on us such a burden as thou didst lay on those before us! Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear! Pardon us, absolve us and have mercy on us, Thou, our Protector, and give us victory over the disbelieving folk.
-(286) Al-Baqarah-

May Allah bless the 3 of us always, Amin.

Al-Fatihah To Our Beloved Ahmad 'Abid Qiwaidir Bin Abdul Latif

2008-05-21T19:16:00.005+09:00

Honestly I really don't know how and from where to start. Alhamdulillah, I had safely given birth to our first child, 'Abid on Wednesday, May 14th, 2008 at 8.09 a.m in Iida Municipal Hospital, Iida City, Nagano-ken. Alhamdulillah, highest gratitude to Allah too that 'Abid was more than perfect and so beautiful when he was born..... only that Allah has fated that it was enough to borrow 'Abid to us for 38 weeks and 1 day only. As of today, it has been a week since I gave birth to 'Abid and it also has been 5 days since his burial in Yamanashi-ken. Truly, this has been the most difficult time in our lives but no matter how hard it is we keep striving to recuperate ourselves. As weak servants of Allah, sometimes it is hard for us to believe of what had happened and I do confess that I was really devastated upon accepting the reality. Especially when 'Abid and I sailed on a very smooth pregnancy and we both were healthy. Even the doctor couldn't confirm the exact reason why healthy 'Abid was born stillbirth. Only Allah knows best. We were so confused indeed. It is so surreal to us moreover when everything took place just like in the blink of an eye. Nevertheless, deep down in our hearts we already accepted the fate bestowed upon us right away after we received the never expected news. Maybe this is what is best for us and 'Abid. Somehow maybe we should be grateful as we and 'Abid have been the chosen ones to be bestowed by this wonderful blessing by Him. Even if 'Abid is still alive..... someday he will still be taken away from us..... only that we never know how and when. Now 'Abid had already gone..... in the best way a man can think of. What more can we ask? That is what we think of everyday every time we feel like missing 'Abid to the bits.

Although we wished 'Abid as a child as the one who would send us to the cemetery someday, Allah had decided that it was going to be the other way round. It is really hard indeed... but we never thought that Allah wants to present us an angel who will be waiting for us in the hereafter instead. There are so many things that we have learned along the way of what had happened. I pray that this will teach us to be better Muslims with better faith from day to day. There are hikmahs behind of what had happened which we have yet to discover. I pray that someday we will be able to get into jannah..... to meet our beloved 'Abid that we miss during each and every second of our hearts beating. I pray that 'Abid is now placed at the best place in heaven near to Allah. I pray too that 'Abid will always pray for the well-being of us, the parents so that he can manage to get us to be at the same place with him. Even though we never got the chance to shower our love to 'Abid like most parents do, but we feel so grateful that Allah gave chance to us to perform jenazah bathing to 'Abid in the bathroom, to wipe 'Abid after being bathed in the bedroom, to buy the white clothes for kafan at the suppa, to cut the white clothes for kafan in the hall, to arrange the kafan clothes in the hall, to kafan 'Abid in the hall and put jasmine smell perfume on 'Abid..... all by ourselves alone at our home. Also the chance given by Allah for Papa himself to bring jenazah 'Abid on a 2++ hour journey alone to Yamanashi-ken, for Papa to dig 'Abid's grave alone himself, for Papa to lead the jenazah prayer for 'Abid, for Papa to carry and bury 'Abid in 'Abid's grave and for Papa to lead do'as recital for 'Abid at 'Abid's grave. We still can't believe it that we actually really did experience those things. We will never forget such a very magnificent experience Allah and 'Abid had presented us with, Subhanallah! Alhamdulillah, with the help from Allah we manage to perform our responsibilities during our last moments with 'Abid smoothly. Even though there might be flaws at here and there but that were the best that we could do and we pray that Allah will accept our deeds.

Here, I would like to take the chance to express our highest appreciation and gratitude to those who have involved either directly or indirectly along the way during the process of managing jenazah 'Abid from the beginning until the end and for all the words of sympathy and encouragements which always keep us warm in the hearts and help us gain back to ourselves.....

Thanks to the medical teams especially midwives, Tabata-san and Ichikawa-san in Iida Municipal Hospital who had gave their best to help save me safely delivered 'Abid and never stopped giving their concerns and encouragements to me,

Thanks to Farhan, friends and Yusuf-san in Yamanashi-ken who gave their best in helping hubby to manage jenazah prayer and burial for 'Abid form the beginning until the end,

Thanks to Kak Azra and husband in Asakusa for assisting us with all the information of the right way in managing a jenazah,

Thanks to Murni, Kak Sofea and Kak N for all the information given which makes easy for us to find way on managing jenazah 'Abid,

Thanks to dear friends, blogger friends, silent readers and all others for all the wishes of sympathy and encouragements conveyed.

Thank you so much deep from the bottom of our hearts to all of you very wonderful people presented by Allah during our hardest time of lives. Please accept our apology too for all the hassles that we have caused to some of you. Although to some of you we never met yet but we are so touched by the concerns conveyed. All your efforts given might be small to you but you never knew how much those efforts given were really meaningful and brought huge relieve to us, Alhamdulillah. It is more than words can say of how much we really appreciate the kindness of you guys..... I am speechless I must say. Only Allah can repay back all your kindness with the best blessings from Him. Maybe some of the said people don't even know the existence of this blog but I pray for all the best wishes and may Allah blesses all of you with more blessings and guides in life, InsyaAllah. Please help pray too that we both will always be strong, patient, and can gain fast 'recovery' so that we can get back on our knees as soon as possible, InsyaAllah.

'Abid Sayang..... you will always be missed by Mama and Papa forever, Al-Fatihah.

The Tenth Check-Up At Week 36

2008-05-02T14:14:00.000+09:00

..........Transferred from My Little Munchkin & I

Ahhh~~~ Now only I manage to rest a bit and blog about the check-up I attended this morning. Today's check-up appointment was set at 11.10 a.m and it all ended at about 1.15 p.m. Right after check-up at the hospital, we headed to a kombini to buy milk and onigiris because I was already starving even though I have already eaten in the morning before going to the hospital. I straightly had lunch by the way at that time. Then we stopped by Cainze Home, a DIY superstore to buy a few stuffs needed to be used while packing our things since we are moving out tomorrow. Just now I have just finished cooking for dinner and tomorrow's morning siap2. Before that, hubby and I have started to pack few things into the boxes and bags. Now hubby is out to get and settle few things and so we are going to continue with the packing tonight since the removing process will be done on tomorrow's morning.

Now back to the check-up. The hospital was quite packed today most probably because of the Golden Week holiday which has started since end of this week until early next week. At the maternity clinic too today only I could see many wives accompanied by their partners. Well, my check-up report for today is back to not so good to be heard. My sugar in urine got very high to '++++'. It was 4 '+s' this time while I managed to get '-' for the last time. My blood pressure reading was back to the normal range today but as usual it didn't go down much from the abnormal high blood pressure line. My weight seems to be a bit funny this time... I checked last night using the home scale and I got 57.5 kg. That means I didn't gain much since the last check-up which was only 57.2 kg. After having dinner at a sushi restaurant I checked my weight again and it shown there on the scale the weight was 57.8 kg. So, I was confirmed that I really actually didn't gain much weight since the past weeks and of course I was happy. However this morning after having my breakfast cum lunch, my weight jumped to 58.8 kg! That was about 1 kg extra than last night and of course I was shocked! Lastly while at the hospital, my weight got down a bit at 58.5 kg. So, that was what written in the report book lah. This time I don't believe the one written in the book because I knew I'm actually a bit lighter than that hihihi! It seems soo logic though because I am having constipation right now so that might be the cause of the sudden extra weight gained. I'm gonna check my weight again right after my visit to the toilet later :D Tak puas hati betul lah huh!

Regarding the baby, well... again the doctor said the baby is quite small. His weight is now about 2.159 kg only. The ideal weight for his age now is supposedly be about 2.700 kg at least. She did double check on every part of the baby to be confirmed. Well, of course the machine isn't that accurate lah kan but then there is really the possibility that my baby is indeed quite small. He is progressing good and in a healthy condition but his weight gain progress is a bit slow by 2 to 3 weeks late. The doctor also checked the baby's leg bone length and it was also a bit small than it should. This time, not the usual doctor did the check-up on me and the check-up also was done at other maternity clinic special for pregnant lady who is about to give birth. The abdominal scan was done for quite a long time than usual and the doctor also seemed quite concentrated scanning and taking notes on the baby. Owh yes, this time memang doctor banyak focus kat muka baby aje. Tapiiiii sebab scan tu bukanlah 4D scan sooo we still didn't get it to understand the image or even see the face clearly. Adoiii geram je rasa hihi! Yela orang excited kan nak tengok muka baby. Takpela... dah tak lama lagi leh jumpa baby, InsyaAllah. So here are the pictures of him. Banyak doctor captured sebab dia asyik gerak2 je sepanjang scan tu so susah nak dapat yang clear sket hihihi ;)

Both are pictures of his face but a bit covered by his hand.

The left picture is his face too but it is not clear because he was moving. The right one is also his face.

As usual right after that we preceded with the consultation session with the midwife. The midwife highlighted on my high sugar level again of course... ahhh bosan~~~. She said, might be there is problem with my bile or kidney that causes the sugar I consumed to be processed quite slow. Thus, this causes crowd in my blood stream and eventually causing my blood pressure tends to go over the limit too. The baby is small might probably because my blood circulation is not so efficient thus causing the baby not to receive enough nutrients he needed or by other words the nutrients don't all get to the baby. She said all these based on her analysis on my previous results pattern lah kan. Even doctors and midwives sebelum ni pun cakap macam tu based on the results pattern. Come to think of it... well I really don't know but it might be true. Tapi they all cakap my condition xperlu dirisaukan sebab might be jugak actually takde pape. Honestly I did consume sugar a bit more than for the previous check-up but I never go over the limit. Makan sket2 je pun. Then only last night I ate a piece of cake at the sushi restaurant. Hubby cakap sebab I was degil nak makan jugak2 cake tu semalam sebab tu gula naik. Pastu curik ais-krim hubby sket n then minum orange soft drink... padahal dia yang bawak balik n tayang2 makan depan orang sapa tak teringin kan??? So you see, even if I eat makanan manis sket je pun my sugar in urine level will definitely shoot up. She also told us that the baby's weight will slightly decrease right after birth...that I already knew... tapi if bila lahir2 je berat memang dah ringan... so macam ada harapan la nak kena tahan lama stay kat hospital. She said, only when the baby's weight passes 2.4 kg baru bleh kuar hospital. Alamak... of course I'm worried sebab sekarang dah minggu 36... mana tau 1 week or 2 weeks lagi ke baby dah nak lahir sempat ke berat dia nak naik kan? I definitely don't want to stay kat hospital lama2 huwaaa! Then... the midwife suggested for me to have my bile or kidney checked right after that because of the earlier said reasons.

So, we waited lah to see another doctor at the usual maternity clinic I visited before this. Punya laa lama tunggu last2 baru sampai turn. Jumpa doctornya 5 minit je tak padan tunggu lama2 ceh! The doctor asked lah whether I wanted to straightly proceed with the check-up or not. Sebab dia kata, sebelum ni my sugar level was '-'. So, boleh jadi jugak sebenarnya takde pape pun. Might be sebab ada makan benda manis2 baru2 sebelum check-up tadi sebab tu sugar level tu tinggi sangat. After discussing with hubby, I decided not to go on with the check-up but just to wait and see first how it is going to be during the next check-up. Andai kata tinggi jugak, baru check. Hmmm... honestly mestilah risau jugak sket kan tapi macam dah malas laa nak amik kisah sangat. Baby pun so far sihat je... itu yang penting... cuma kecik sket. But then again la I will strictly banned all sugar intake terus this time. Orang lain lepak je makan macam2 benda manis hari2 masa pregnant tapi I'm not that lucky lah nampaknya huhu. Padahal asal2 before pregnant pun I'm not really sweet-tooth pun. Maybe badan memang jenis sensitif kot hmmm. Yerrr bohsannya. Better be safe than sorry kan untuk mengelakkan any complication. Then... in order to improve my blood circulation... I will have to take the chance of moving out and in of the houses beneficially lah. Masa ni even though dah sarat sangat I will still try to exercise by mengemas rumah keh keh keh! Might be jugak because sebelum ni asyik duduk aje and tercongok depan komputer aje keje kan sebab tu lah blood circulation tak lancar sebab tak active and darah tersekat kat kaki. I have mentioned about this pun dulu sebenarnya masa check-up bila ntah tapi still keje duduk aje jugak depan komputer :P

Before I forgot, while discussing with the midwife we also asked about the placenta again. She wasn't really confirmed but the way she explained as like it can't be brought back lah. She said sebab law negeri ni kata xbleh tanam2 anggota manusia dalam tanah... it is illegal. Then selalunya diorg akan kumpul banyak2 then bakar. Lepas dah bersoal-jawab punya lah lama pasal benda ni...because we really insisted seboleh2nya nak la bawak balik gak kan hihi... so seboleh2nya hubby tak nak la mengalah... tunggu sampai dia kata TAK BLEH haa baru senyap hahaha!... then the midwife suruh tanya doctor. But then bleh plak we totally forgot to ask about that masa jumpa second doctor tu ceh! Yela dah penat tunggu lama punya pasal. Takpela... next week we will try to ask again. Come to think of it yelah kenapa selama ni kitorg tak tanya doctor terus ke kan senang? Takpe... ada masa lagi. Kalau dapat, Alhamdulillah. If xdapat nak wat camner kan tawakal je la.

Continued on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008

Haahhh I'm so tired and sleepy and hungry too. Not really that tired actually but because of the heavy body, it causes me to slow down with the movements. I don't want to force myself in order to avoid any unwanted injury or complication. We have just settled removing all the big stuffs in the house into the new home. Last night we slept at about 1.00 a.m after packing the things. So just now in the morning at about 7.15 a.m the trainees and Namiki-san came to help removing the stuffs into the new house by using Namiki-san's pick-up lorry. At about 8.00 a.m every thing was already settled. Sekejap je siap! Now cuma tinggal barang kecik2 je nanti angkat sendiri dengan kereta and tinggal nak kemas rumah lama ni. Tak sangkanya last night was our last night sleeping in this house. I'm gonna miss this house surely. But for the baby goodness we have to move out into a bigger home. By the way, the baby excited semacam je since check-up yesterday. Active betul! Tatau la nape suka nak pindah rumah kot? Ke suka g hospital? Padahal dia tatau Mama dia tengah geram dengan dia kenapa berat dia tak naik nih grrr! Hihihi! ;D

I think that's all lah for this entry this time. Owh yes... regarding the GBS infection thing... rupanya takde treatment apa pun semalam. Masa on the labor itself baru kena buat treatment tu. Huh lega... Tak suka la kena2 check banyak sangat sana-sini. Well, I really hope sebenarnya takde pape la and I'm healthy. Malas sangat2 nak go on with the check-up sebenarnya. Will really watch out my sugar intake this week. Lil' Munchkin... Mama xkisah la baby nak kecik ke pun takpe senang sket nak bersalin asalkan sihat wal'afiat, InsyaAllah. Mama takdela pecaya sangat dengan estimated weight doctor cakap tu. Dah nama pun anggaran kan. Tapi kalau boleh biar la lebih 2.7 kg or reach 3.0 kg sebab Mama takmo dok hospital lelamaaa huwaaa! Huhu xsabar nak tunggu check-ups seterusnya! As of today, dah 24 days je lagi towards the EDD! Yay xsabar nak jumpa baby! ;D ;D ;D

When She Looks Like A Teddy Bear

2008-05-01T15:54:00.004+09:00

Apparently... the title above has got nothing to do with what I'm going to babble about today. Truly, I can't think of a good title to write so that one still can make do of it because up until this moment since last night I have just realized how much 'gorgeous' my looks have transformed to since the past 9 months hihi :P You got what I mean right? It is just that I hate looking at myself when I wake up from sleep and whenever I'm wearing my in-house attires especially sweater. I look like a pear or balloonfish rather than a teddy bear. I tend to look simply fugly. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I would think of what does hubby has in mind every time he sees me like this? I feel bad of myself but I just ignore it most of the time. Malas lah nak kisah sangat... tak larat lah nak melawa2 bagai. Anyway the good thing is I look kinda cute in a sememeh way, adorable, huggable and sangat sedap, I think ;P Well, hubby said that himself many times and I myself thinks the same too. Orang dah cakap macam tu... kiter iyer kan aje lah. I am 'cute' like a teddy bear hohoho ;P But tatau la if dia tipu only or perli2 je kan. Even if he were just lying pun I don't mind lah since at least he knew that I be like this because of him jugak kan. Berani ler dia cakap tah pape grrrrr hihi ;P

Actually I'm still not in the mood to blog today. I simply lost passion to write in my own blog regarding other things... except anything related to Lil' Munchkin in his blog. So that's why this blog is kinda neglected. I have so many things to tell but every time when I started to write... I only managed to go halfway before suddenly I clicked the 'save now' button and logged out. There are a few drafts in the folder now and just gonna be forgotten soon. Worse, most of the time I would just stare at the blank screen or just clicked the 'delete' button right after I finished the first paragraph. Anyway today I'm kinda force myself to update since I might not be able to go online for a few days. Last night hubby said that we are going to move out this weekend so the internet might not be available for a moment. I hope it's not going to be so long and the longest perhaps for as long as 1 week only. I totally can't live without internet. Who can by the way??? :O Actually, the most important thing are firstly we are in the middle of applying visa to Japan for my mom so we need to update each other between mom and us from time to time. Selagi visa ni tak settle I don't think I can duduk diam and tido nyenyak lah. Secondly, I don't have hand phone... kesiannyaaa bini sapa nih???... so it is going to be a problem for me to call hubby during emergency. Nahhh... really small matters only. I'm sure I can find other ways when I really need to do those 2 things.

Yes, it is confirmed that my mom is coming; InsyaAllah. Her visa application is now on the way to the embassy in KL and we need to wait for like 7-10 days to get the confirmation. She is in Kota Kinabalu you know so she has to use travel agent instead of doing things herself. That's very convenient actually in many aspects and it seems like the travel agent only charged very little for the service provided, cool! Or else it's gonna be sooo leceh and she has to work too. Actually there is J*apan Embassy branch in KK buttt because my mom is originated from Peninsular so she can't do it in KK. What do you guys think? I still pikir benda2 macam ni macam soo ridiculous lah. Menyusahkan je. After all she is Malaysian jugak kan? Owhhh sungguh tak bleh diterima oleh akal ku yang waras nih! Anyway after been contemplating 50-50 the thought of whether to let my mom comes or not, at last we decided for her to come. I just think that I'm afraid I can't be that strong after giving birth. By that, means I won't be able to think rationally and more sucked up into my emotions most of the times. So... that's going to be very bad for hubby, baby and myself. Furthermore, we need things to be very manageable at that time or else many problems will arise. Some more... I really miss family and I can't be sure whether we really will be going back for holiday early next year or not. I can't bear to wait any more longer. Last but not least, I am dreadfully and miserably crave for some foods. So, my mom can help cure my food craving disease if she is here soon. Honestly, I miss foods more than I miss my family. Yes... it is that bad.

During last times... I dealt with the J*apan Embassy 3 times and I did everything myself from A to Z. I went there accompanied by either friend or sister-in-law. Although everything managed to be settled in only 3 days but those particular weeks before going to embassy until the moment I managed to get hold of my passport stamped with valid visa, were the most excruciating moments in my life. Bak kata tido tak lena... mandi tak basah okeh. This is also the reason why I dare not to live far away from each other with hubby anymore. Well... tak la susah mana pun but I really hate doing transaction, dealing with documents, dealing with officers at the counters and that sort kinda things. So stressful! Pernah sekali my visa wasn't approved without any reason. I supposed to get 3 months visa but I only got 15 days padahal my ticket was meant for 1 month stay. When I asked for the reason the officer said something like this, "Susah nak paham. Lain orang lain pikir dalam kepala lain perangai. Ini boss nombor 1 (duta). Takpe nanti I mintak dekat boss nombor 2 (duta lain). Tomorrow you come again". Then only I got my visa valid for 3 month, phew! Kentut ayam betul! Macam la kiter hinginnn sangat nak stay lelama kat N*hon yang buhsan nih :P :P :P Bleh blah! That's why I also don't like going to bank, post office, do payment at the cashier counter and so on. But these are exceptable la jugak kan. Tak suka pun I still do those things occasionally. Kalau tak susah la nak hidup. All in all I just hope semua urusan my mom akan dipermudahkan jalannya, InsyaAllah, Amin!

Hmmm what else to talk about? I'm feeling sleepy at the moment even though it is now already 5.15 p.m. I just can't sleep at night and last night I only dozed off after Subuh. Lately I am soo not energetic in doing everything. Thus making my everyday life seems more dull, duh~~~ I don't experiment recipes especially baking cakes because I have to avoid myself from eating sweet stuffs. I don't really have appetite to eat too especially towards nasi putih berlauk. Because I can't take it to eat my own cookings anymore. I really want to eat some other things but it is either I don't know how to make it or even if I do have the recipe... again back to what I said earlier. If only hubby pandaiii masak kan best? I also don't have mood to read especially books and I have been abandoning my reading materials since last week. Somehow I feel a bit guilty about that because reading is simply very beneficial right? So, I try to replace that by reading via the net but most of the time I tend to only blog hopping from one blog to another keh keh keh! But hey I gained plenty useful information too along the way. So okay lah tu kan? Usually at the end of the days, I would be feeling like don't know what else for me to read or browse. Everything seems not interesting to me. I have read numerously about pregnancy, baby, breastfeeding and so on for already 9 months and now I just feel like I can't force any more input in me or else it is like I'm going to puke! I bet this is also because of this pregnancy thing lah... maybe I'm just tired of everything already... with the waiting... with the preparation... with the on-going fatigue... and so on. Now I'm whining... I'm sure there will be times when I'm going to really wish that the baby can be put back into the tummy once he is born hahaha! ;D Prior to that... let's just enjoy lazying myself within this 1 month left ahhh~~~! ;D

Owh hubby just got back just now and he is already out again to have a look at the house we are going to move in. Betul lah tu jadi kot pindah weekend ni. Err... this reminds me to take pictures and videos of our current house. I'm gonna miss this house lah since this is the first house we are officially starting our lives as husband and wife. Barang2 apa pun tak kemas lagi. Takpe... nak pindahnya sekangkang kera aje. The trainees will be helping too. Berani lah tak tolong... nanti apa2 mintak tolong hubby jugak kan hoho :P So this weekend I'm going to toss all the small2 things into plastic bags, paper bags, boxes or baskets then starts arranging them back in the new house later. Sempoi je kan? Kotak hapa ke mende pun xde lagi nak pack barang. It's okay lah since our stuffs tak banyak pun. But then I have to monitor on how, which stuffs for them to carry and where to put lah if not pening kepala jugak nanti nak susun balik kalau diorg mixed-up everything. Obviously at the end of the day I am the one who is going to arrange everything back to order lah kan sebab I am the manager of the house. So yang kecik2 tu sure lah haku kemas sendiri... kalau tak... rimas nanti sakit mata tengok kalau tak menepati citarasa! By the way honestly I'm really looking forward sebenarnya with this activity berpindah-randah ni. Reason being? Because I want to exercise and do more movements... even though I know mengemas rumah di saat sarat bukanlah safe and efficient exercise pun sebenarnya hohoho :P But don't worry... I will always remember my limit and try to be safe all the time. I hope by doing extra movements ni like...berjalan2 di dalam rumah aje... insyaAllah senang nak bersalin, Amin :D

Actually... I want to to tell something here. Usually during the times when my blog seems to be silent is most of the times probably because of hubby and I were having fights :P The latest, semalam baru je baik itu pun I gave in even though sepatutnya diaaa yang kena made move dulu. Even though actually I don't think dia tau pun what at the first place I was very mad about and he said I started it some more??? He made me mad so of course la dia yang start kan???... Ada ke orang yang sesaja suka nak merajuk? By the way memang dia suka cakap I like to sesaja merajuk pun... ada ke? :P Anyway, "Ayang if you are reading this... I just keep and forget my hurt feelings in order just to be civil with you tau tak? Sebab I don't want to be burden with moreee sins because of mengabaikan suami and syurga di bawah tapak kaki suami some more kan... and I'm going to give birth soon so I don't want lah kena 'tulah' suami ke kan. But I'm sure it's gonna happen again if you don't want to tolerate or cooperate :P :P :P". Biasalah tu kan husband and wife gaduh? Tapi memang tak best okeh... nyampah :P Usually when we got into fights of course I would be the most miserable wife on earth and hubby might be the most person I hate in the entire universe! So if I tend to blog at that times, surely the entries were going to be very sensational lah kan. But of course I don't want to unintentionally memancing more readers to read my blog by publishing the so heart-wrenching (I was sad, remember?) entries. Siapa lah yang tak suka gossip and cerita2 macam ni kan? Elehhh ngaku je la.

Even though sometimes I do really feel like want to pour everything in my blog macam orang lain jugak tapi... I just can't lah. I always feel not right to do that. But maybe hubby also can read and actually know what do I have in my mind and heart kan? Maybe he also can reply by giving comment in order to stand for himself ke kan? That sounds interesting though. Unfortunately... I so know hubby isn't that kind of person especially when it comes to writing2 stuffs relaying heart-to-heart matter. As I always say to him... he is really the hati batu kind of person or... kepala komputer (sebab komputer mana bleh thinking secara abstract kan)... bla bla bla and it happens that he is a person who is more towards actions... caressing... pampering... hugging bla bla bla itu semua pass lah. But that are not enough la... you have to speak you know. Among the example of simple questions he always finds very heard to answer is when I ask, "What makes you want to merry me?" and usually his head starts to ache already and he simply answer, "Because you are cute" duh~~~ Bila tanya why you like me... what makes me special than other person or even soklan2 yang sewaktu dengannya... pun seboleh2nya dia akan jawab jawapan yang sama. Actually I'm expecting la answers like... "Because you complete me bla bla bla... accept me the way I am bla bla bla... understanding bla bla bla..." ke apa ke kan? Memanglah tak romantik pakcik ni haih! "Ehh Ayang, orang dah cakap banyak kali macam ni depan Abang kan? So takpelah kalau cakap dalam blog jugak kan?" Hihihih ;D

Dah tatau nak mengarut apa lagi. Perut pun dah sakit. Si kecik dalam ni macam dah tak sabar2 nak kuar tolak2 sana-sini. Lately slalu la sakit2. Memang cuak okay. Also not to forget, actually we went for sakura hanami on last 2 weeks at Takato. Memang best sangat. Tapi tu lah malas nak update blog. Somehow I have updated the story and uploaded the pictures in my Fotopages. I have joined Fotopages looong ago tapi baru sekarang nak maintain. So, welcome to my Fotopages - My Little Munchkin & I. Ermmmmm by the way, I might delete this link later because I'm not so keen with the idea revealing ourselves to the public. So if you happen to know my Fotopages nanti... fine lah tak kisah. But I don't feel comfortable for people who reads my blog to actually 'know' who I am. So nasib lah ye sapa sempat amik link ni n sapa yang tak sempat hohoho ;P

So as usual, here I'm going to end with pictures of foods I prepared recently.

The Ninth Check-Up At Week 34

2008-04-22T14:07:00.001+09:00

..........Transferred from My Little Munchkin & I

As usual on last Friday we attended the ninth check-up at the hospital in Iida. This time I got '-' for my sugar in urine test woot-woot! Isn't that great?! hihi :) That really means I'm really free from gestational diabetes. Only that I have to be careful since my body is super-duper sensitive with sugar intake. So I have to maintain consuming sugar with a very low amount until the end of my pregnancy. My urine also was free from protein. My leg edema maintained with '+-'. that is still good right? However one thing I noticed, my blood pressure was a little bit slighted than normal but need not to be worried. I took the test using the electronic machine and told hubby that the reading wasn't so good. I thought might be I wasn't really relaxed yet. So after a moment while waiting for my name to be called, hubby urged me to get myself checked one more time. Far from what we expected, we were shocked to see the blood pressure reading was up higher than the first reading. We just giggled in disbelieved and definitely I decided to show the first reading to the midwife then ;P Well, I really still have to watch out my food intakes especially salt and manage my stress wisely. Yes, I always get stressful :(

Let's proceed to Lil' Munchkin... the doctor said his weight was only about 1830 gram that was 2 weeks behind his supposed weight for 34 weeks gestation which should be about 2200 gram. However his leg bone length was according to his current age. Might be Lil' Munchkin was still a bit lean and have yet to develop enough fat in his body. I don't mind about this since the doctor said the baby was fine. Besar sangat nanti susah jugak. Unfortunately I didn't get to see the monitor during abdominal scanning since the doctor's hand was blocking my view. But I got to see that it was getting crowded there... I mean here in my tummy. The funny part was the doctor finally managed to show Lil' Munchkin's face which was half covered by his leg! hihihi :D He was doing yoga I bet! Even the doctor tried to demonstrate the baby's position when hubby was a bit confused. Hahaha klaka la doctor! His right face was covered by his left foot but we still managed to see his eyes, lips, spongy cheeks and his NOSE! Upon seeing the image I asked hubby, "Hidung dia macam sapa?" and hubby said, "Hidung Rinny la". Then I continued..., "Ha'ah laa..." which caused hubby to look at me hihihi ;P Lil' Munchkin did look tembam although his weight was a bit less than he should. But to think back, I was born only with 2460 gram of weight while hubby was at 3050 gram. So, might be Lil' Munnchkin will be born a bit small too since we parents were also born small right? By the way after the check-up hubby said, "Apsal bunyi kecewa je masa tengok hidung tu?". Then I replied, "Eh takdela kecewa. Kena la terima. Nasib baik Tuhan bagi hidung tau. Alaa hidung ni jugakla yang Abang terpikat dulu tu tau". Hubby just laughed knowing that I really wished Lil' Munchkin's nose would take after him hihihi ;P

Below are Lil Munchkin at Week 34's pictures scan. We got 2 pictures which are actually slightly different here and there. But I rotated one of it for easier view.

See his foot and chubby cheek?

I think his head and lips are more like hubby's. See the nose is like mine right? hehehe. Takpe... hidung Mama comel aper kan? ;D

Overall, everything like the consultation with the midwife and doctor went on well just as usual... except for ONE THING. At the end of the check-up, the doctor showed to us the result of my second blood test and vaginal scan which I took recently. Turned out that I have been infected with GBS that is Group B Streptococcus bacteria. I felt the time was frozen and I was like in a time zone or twilight upon hearing the news. Of course I was having the shocked of my life! However the doctor said there was nothing to worry about and my condition will be monitored from time to time. So starting from next check-up and so on I will have to go on for treatment. We were still in vague what GBS was all about. Despite what the doctor said, of course I was worried laaa. Mcm mana xnak risau la, tell me??? So many thing raced in the center of my skull. I was thinking what have I done that caused me to get infected? Didn't I wash my hand clean enough after going to toilet? Was it because of the foods I prepared? bla bla bla and so on. Hubby seems more cool and relax to receive the news thus causing me to ask him, "Abang ni macam xkisah je xrisau ke?". What was I thinking? Of course he was worried sick inside but he didn't show it. I was already devastated upon hearing the news so another person has to be strong to support the other one. After all there is nothing we could do except to undergo the treatment and the rest... to leave it to God to decide. So he said. Yeah, you are right. Besides the support, that was what I need to hear the most. Thanks :)

Once got home, I studied from the net and read numerously on materials regarding GBS. Apparently GBS is among the types of bacteria which can be found in human body. It lives in gastrointestinal track, genital track or urinary track. There are about 1:4 or 25% women on earth being the 'carriers' of this bacteria and it happened that I am one of them. By being the carrier, it means the infected woman's body is being colonized by this bacteria thus caused it to be detected during the test. The carrier of GBS often never realized that they are infected and the GBS also most of the time doesn't gives any symptom to the infected body. The woman can live healthily except when she has very low immune system or very poor health state like suffering from cancer and has to undergo chemotherapy, then only GBS could multiply and cause other diseases. The carrier wouldn't necessarily be the carrier for the rest of her life. The GBS could come and go as it wishes. Men also can be infected by GBS. However, how one can be infected with GBS while others are not, is still UNKNOWN. It isn't sexually transmitted and it isn't one of the sexually transmitted disease though. So what's the fuss here? Even though GBS can bring no harm to the carrier and the carrier doesn't actually bring GBS disease but the GBS can infect the newborn during birth.

If the newborn is infected, the GBS would affect newborn either by early-on-set diseases or late-on-set diseases. The infection can be life threatening to the baby. So it is important for GBS-carrier-mom to get treatment at the end of pregnancy and MOST IMPORTANTLY during labor itself. The carrier will be treated with antibiotic and the labor also will be assisted with antibiotic which I'm not so sure how. But not just by consuming the antibiotic though. It is useless for the carrier to get early treatment during early pregnancy since the GBS still could come back. That's why the test for GBS is carried out during the third trimester. If the carrier get treated the chance for baby to be infected is 1:4000 and if the carrier doesn't get the treatment, the chance to get infected is far higher by 1:200. But 10% of these babies will die. Usually the survived baby, would always get sick and face many health problems throughout his life. So, this is the summary I can tell. For more information, you can click here.

Honestly, that is what has been bothering me since the check-up. I was already thinking for the worst. I was so depressed when to think back that I want more than 3 children but I already have to face this obstacle for my first child. I kept thinking about medical technology in M*sia. I surfed the net and at least I was comforted a bit to find about the acknowledgment of GBS towards pregnant women in M*sia. I hope there, they have the advanced technology and knowledge upon managing GBS since I really hope my next pregnancy will be a very wonderful experience too. Since I got to know that the chance of infection usually would get higher during the next pregnancy. I could feel the feeling of how it feels for a person who really wants a child but still doesn't get one, how does it feels for someone to be having serious illness while pregnant and etc. Okay I know maybe I'm just thinking too much. I shouldn't be worried right?, since the doctor said so himself. After all, there is nothing that I can do except to pray a lot to God for everything going to be fine, InsyaAllah. There must be reason for anything happened right? If infertile person could even get herself or get her wife pregnant after years of waiting and they never gave up to go through the obstacle... why can't I face mine which still can be considered very small problem to theirs? I know I sound too exaggerating. But hey, I really need to let off some steam anyway! So let me be!

Don't worry peeps. I am okay INDEED :D :D :D I'm fine. Of course I was shocked and miserable at first but I have already accepted the fate planned for me. Furthermore with the hormone roller-coaster ride in me... so it is reasonable for me to be EXTRA sensitive and vulnerable. Anyway, I have decided to invite my mom to come and visit us. Actually she already planned to come but we kept telling her to not come since our house is small. But since we are moving to a bigger house... and to think back actually I am already dreadfully homesick and miss my family... plus we can't guaranty that we are really going back to M*sia for holiday early next year and I'm sure I can't bear it anymore IF the plan will be postponed again... so I really think my mom HAS to come... since I really NEED her to save my SANITY! Before everything else I have already right away asked her to bring KFC, McD, cook laksa and kuih chara for me and ended with..., "Haaa apa lagi aaa? Nantilah pk dulu" hihihi ;P Anyway my mom said I'm thinking too much that cause my blood pressure to shoot up too. She said no need to worry and just take it one at a time... relax laaa! Well, that's my bad... I just don't know how to relax laaa!

Hmmm-hmmm what else to tell? Well... I really feel heavy nowadays. It is hard for me to stand-up or sit-down especially. With all the third trimester symptoms I have to deal with... I kind feel tired and can't wait for this to end too. My tummy already looked like a rump and low. It is getting tighter too from day to day which makes the baby's movements soo obvious. Sometimes it is really scary, surreal, amazed or whatever to see my tummy could be wavy because of the baby's legs moving from up-down or left-right and vice-versa. There was one time I shouted to hubby because I felt seriau which caused him to panic. Well, it WAS panicky to see my tummy suddenly shaped like a mountain or banjaran which has sharp point or long top on it. Macam tiga segi pun ye... boleh buat slide! Owh one more thing is... besides the Braxton-Hicks I sometimes feel the contraction and it scaresssss me! It isn't that painful, not synchronized of course and only lasts for a few seconds but I always keep myself alert every time! I really pray that I will reach full term period of pregnancy. Then after that, Lil' Munchkin, you are more than welcome to pop-out! :D Peeps, help pray for us too ya :)